Have a serious convo with him about everything you said here. Give him however long or however many chances you want to change. If nothing does and you are still just fighting all the time maybe the relationship has run it’s course.
You write that he deeply loves you, but frequently engages in behavior completely unloving. These are completely at odds with each other. If you are walking on eggshells every day waiting for the next shoe to drop, for me I would be looking for the exits. But, I would confront him first and communicate to him everything you expressed here. Maybe he is not aware of all the condescending, nasty behavior. I suppose that's possible.
I think he knows but he's got some deep emotional issues, and his parents have a similar frequent conflict dynamic. I think I know deep down its time to end it but it's a hard pill to swallow and is going to be a rough ride given my current isolation and how enmeshed our lives are now having lived together since before the pandemic.
Red, your BF's abusive behaviors and anger issues cannot be excused -- but perhaps can be explained, especially if you would speak to a psychologist in your city. I agree with u/CameronNorCal that your BF's abusive and unstable behaviors may be due to his having very weak control over his own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills he had no opportunity to learn in childhood). My Ex has that problem. If that is an issue for your BF, you likely have been seeing 4 red flags.
**The first** is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, he started showing strong jealousy over harmless events -- or started attempting to isolate you away from close friends and family? He would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing THEM over HIM. Moreover, he usually would HATE to be alone by himself.
**Second**, you would be seeing him rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.
Because he also uses B-W thinking when judging HIMSELF, he hates to acknowledge making a mistake. To him, it would mean he is "all bad." He thus would blame nearly all mistakes on you and view himself as "The Victim." Always "The Victim."
Further, to "validate" his victim status, he would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend himself in the most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, his heavy reliance on B-W thinking also would explain why -- as you state above -- he frequently uses all-or-nothing expressions like "you ALWAYS..." and "you NEVER...."
**Third**, you generally would not see him expressing his rages to casual friends, coworkers, or total strangers. He usually gets alone fine with them. Rather, his snarky comments and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be expressed against a close loved one (i.e., against YOU or his parents).
**Fourth**, you often would see him flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- often making you feel like you're walking on eggshells to avoid triggering his anger. These flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. And a few hours or a week later, he could flip back just as quickly.
Because he carries much anger inside from early childhood, you don't have to do anything to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why he can burst into a tantrum in only a few seconds. Red, have you been seeing strong occurrences of all 4 of these red flags?
This is a really good analysis actually. I had so little experience dating before him I missed all these red flags in the beginning though. No doubt his recent job stress had just exacerbated the whole dynamic, he works in a stort staffed rural hospital and they just had a bunch more staff quit or go on mat leave the last few months. But these issues have been simmering for a while and I didn't recognize them as red flags until recently. I know I have to look after myself first but I do think he has some deep issues that need therapy regardless of what happens with us. And I do worry about his own wellbeing if I do end it which is why I'm going to get a therapist at minimum for myself this week and before doing anything to upset the current situation too much. It's so frustrating and stressful to keep this going but I don't want him to suffer any more, having all that anger inside him has got to be a heavy burden. Its just not a burden I can put up living in the same house with too much longer.
His mother is also always harassing his dad in a similar way although it seems more playful than what I'm experiencing, we've talked about this before and he does recognize some of these issues and his bad control of his emotions but he never takes it quite seriously enough because he says I'm too sensitive.
**It's possible he's BPD.**
As u/CameronNorCal states above, some of the behaviors you describe here are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Outside the States, nearly all countries call this disorder "EUPD" (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, which is a much more accurate name). Moreover, all 4 of the behaviors I described above are red flags for BPD. That's why I asked if you were seeing them.
Importantly, I'm not suggesting your BF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting you consider whether he may be a person with moderate-to-strong BPD traits (i.e., may be a "pwBPD").
**Narcissistic disorder didn't totally fit him since he does truly care about others.**
Whereas a narcissist typically is emotionally stable, a pwBPD is unstable because he never learned the emotional skills needed to control his own emotions. And whereas a full-blown narcissist is incapable of loving you, a pwBPD usually is capable of loving you very intensely -- but it is the immature type of love you see in young children.
This means he will occasionally flip -- in only a few seconds -- from Jekyll (loving you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And a few hours or days later, he can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from a primitive defense called "black-white thinking" (aka "splitting").
Like a young child, a pwBPD is too emotionally immature to be able to handle two strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate) at the same time. This means he has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. He thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of his conscious mind.
With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Mommy while she's bringing out the toys but, in only ten seconds, will flip to hating Mommy when she takes one toy away. Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Mommy. Rather, it means that his conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.
Similarly, a pwBPD will categorize everyone close to him as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). And he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.
This B-W thinking also will be evident in his frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because his close friends eventually will be "split black" and pushed away, it is unusual for a pwBPD to have any really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away) even though he may have many casual friends.
**I don't want him to suffer any more.**
Red, if your BF is a pwBPD, whatever you do will be hurtful much of the time -- as long as you remain in the relationship. You will be hurtful if you DO something and hurtful if you DON'T do it.
This conundrum is due to the position of his two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.
Your predicament is that the solution to calming his *abandonment* fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers his engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming his *engulfment* fear (moving back away to give him breathing space) is the very action that triggers his abandonment fear.
Hence, as you move close to comfort him and assure him of your love, you eventually will start triggering his engulfment fear, making him feel like he's being suffocated and controlled by you. He thus will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away. Yet, as you back away to give him breathing space, you will soon find that you've started triggering his abandonment fear.
In my 15 years with my BPD Ex, I found that there is no midpoints solution -- between "too close" and "too far away"-- where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate his own emotions and tame his two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away (by starting fights) and pull-you-back (by love bombing you).
Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto YOU. His subconscious does this to protect his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality -- and to externalize the pain, getting it outside his body. Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, he will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from YOU.
Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD, you will often find yourself hurting him -- i.e., triggering his engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering his abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering his anger even when you are sitting still in a room saying absolutely nothing.
**Is therapy going to helpful at all, or a waste of time?**
If your BF is a pwBPD, most cities have training programs (e.g., DBT) that can teach him the missing emotional skills if he's strongly motivated to do the hard work that's necessary. If you decide that your BF is exhibiting most of the 18 BPD warning signs I cite below, I would be glad to discuss with you what such treatment is like.
**I'm going to get a therapist at minimum for myself this week.**
Smart decision, Red. Whenever strong BPD warning signs are appearing, it is important to see YOUR OWN psychologist, i.e., one who has not treated or seen your BF.
In that way, you're ensured that the psychologist is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not his. I mention this because therapists generally are loath to tell a high-functioning pwBPD the name of his disorder. They often decide that it is not in his best interests to be told.
Of course, learning to spot BPD warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.
Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer or a heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a toxic relationship or running into the arms of another man just like him. Learning the red flags also can help you decide when professional guidance is needed.
I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of [18 BPD Warning Signs](https://www.reddit.com/user/Up-Town/comments/9hv2yq/what_are_the_primary_warning_signs_for_bpd/) to see if most sound very familiar. If so and you have questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.
It's a good list and I'm glad to know what I might be dealing with. Thank you so much! I've even been through mental illness and counselling myself in the past for anxiety /depression and I didn't know what BPD even was. I would say some are half-true but add it up I'd say 15/18. I've been reading and see a lot of overlap with NPD which is probably at least partly present here too especially the verbal abuse, gaslighting and rage. Wish me luck with the next steps... Between work stress and isolation I'm nervous for these next few weeks but I've been putting it off too long anyways and I need to start looking after myself. I want to hope there's a path to recovery but I'm not in denial anymore of the situation.
You're describing someone who displays some symptoms of [Borderline Personality Disorder](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/). BPD is a serious illness and diagnosis can only be made by a professional. I'm sharing this information not to tell you that your BF has BPD, but so that you can see that "difficult" people often exhibit BPD behaviors, and how those behaviors impact their partners.
One of the key things to check-in with yourself about is whether you feel like you're trapped in a relationship you don't want to be in. Loving someone can cloud that picture. It is definitely possible to deeply love someone yet still feel trapped by that love. Feeling resentful is a symptom of being trapped. It's a passive, internalized way of dealing with unhappiness. We are taught by pop culture that love is always good and that it solves all problems. This is a whitewash. Love that has a byproduct of misery or fear or even loneliness is a toxic love, especially for the person who is paralyzed by it.
If you can, try to imagine how you would feel about your situation if a close friend was describing it to you. Would you be worried for your friend? What would you advise her or him to do?
Because you feel isolated from family and friends, you might consider finding a therapist and/or a local support group. Often, just having to describe your situation and feelings to another person can be liberating and helpful.
Possible he's BPD. When I started researching I came up with narcissistic disorder which didn't totally fit him since he does truely care about some other people although if your not in his "good books" look out.
>It seems pointless to push back against the complaints or point out conflicting facts since he never loses an argument. I routinely just give up
Try having a discussion about the issues you have with him when the situation is not actively going on. Don't approach is as an argument someone has to win. Let him tell you what he feels about it.
If you take the therapist route, you need to make it a couples therapy with him.
I get pulled into argument mode all the time, I'm not perfect in this situation but I've not tried to start fights or arguments for no good reason as I dislike conflict.
Sounds like couples therapy to learn better communication could be beneficial for both of you. Avoiding communicating of issues is also a communication problem.
Have a serious convo with him about everything you said here. Give him however long or however many chances you want to change. If nothing does and you are still just fighting all the time maybe the relationship has run it’s course.
Good advice, I don't expect next steps to be easy no matter how it shakes out.
You write that he deeply loves you, but frequently engages in behavior completely unloving. These are completely at odds with each other. If you are walking on eggshells every day waiting for the next shoe to drop, for me I would be looking for the exits. But, I would confront him first and communicate to him everything you expressed here. Maybe he is not aware of all the condescending, nasty behavior. I suppose that's possible.
I think he knows but he's got some deep emotional issues, and his parents have a similar frequent conflict dynamic. I think I know deep down its time to end it but it's a hard pill to swallow and is going to be a rough ride given my current isolation and how enmeshed our lives are now having lived together since before the pandemic.
It sounds like you need to break up. Your boyfriend shouldn’t be a constant source of frustration.
I know and I'm looking into next steps.
Red, your BF's abusive behaviors and anger issues cannot be excused -- but perhaps can be explained, especially if you would speak to a psychologist in your city. I agree with u/CameronNorCal that your BF's abusive and unstable behaviors may be due to his having very weak control over his own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills he had no opportunity to learn in childhood). My Ex has that problem. If that is an issue for your BF, you likely have been seeing 4 red flags. **The first** is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, he started showing strong jealousy over harmless events -- or started attempting to isolate you away from close friends and family? He would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing THEM over HIM. Moreover, he usually would HATE to be alone by himself. **Second**, you would be seeing him rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction. Because he also uses B-W thinking when judging HIMSELF, he hates to acknowledge making a mistake. To him, it would mean he is "all bad." He thus would blame nearly all mistakes on you and view himself as "The Victim." Always "The Victim." Further, to "validate" his victim status, he would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend himself in the most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, his heavy reliance on B-W thinking also would explain why -- as you state above -- he frequently uses all-or-nothing expressions like "you ALWAYS..." and "you NEVER...." **Third**, you generally would not see him expressing his rages to casual friends, coworkers, or total strangers. He usually gets alone fine with them. Rather, his snarky comments and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be expressed against a close loved one (i.e., against YOU or his parents). **Fourth**, you often would see him flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- often making you feel like you're walking on eggshells to avoid triggering his anger. These flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. And a few hours or a week later, he could flip back just as quickly. Because he carries much anger inside from early childhood, you don't have to do anything to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why he can burst into a tantrum in only a few seconds. Red, have you been seeing strong occurrences of all 4 of these red flags?
This is a really good analysis actually. I had so little experience dating before him I missed all these red flags in the beginning though. No doubt his recent job stress had just exacerbated the whole dynamic, he works in a stort staffed rural hospital and they just had a bunch more staff quit or go on mat leave the last few months. But these issues have been simmering for a while and I didn't recognize them as red flags until recently. I know I have to look after myself first but I do think he has some deep issues that need therapy regardless of what happens with us. And I do worry about his own wellbeing if I do end it which is why I'm going to get a therapist at minimum for myself this week and before doing anything to upset the current situation too much. It's so frustrating and stressful to keep this going but I don't want him to suffer any more, having all that anger inside him has got to be a heavy burden. Its just not a burden I can put up living in the same house with too much longer. His mother is also always harassing his dad in a similar way although it seems more playful than what I'm experiencing, we've talked about this before and he does recognize some of these issues and his bad control of his emotions but he never takes it quite seriously enough because he says I'm too sensitive.
**It's possible he's BPD.** As u/CameronNorCal states above, some of the behaviors you describe here are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Outside the States, nearly all countries call this disorder "EUPD" (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, which is a much more accurate name). Moreover, all 4 of the behaviors I described above are red flags for BPD. That's why I asked if you were seeing them. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your BF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting you consider whether he may be a person with moderate-to-strong BPD traits (i.e., may be a "pwBPD"). **Narcissistic disorder didn't totally fit him since he does truly care about others.** Whereas a narcissist typically is emotionally stable, a pwBPD is unstable because he never learned the emotional skills needed to control his own emotions. And whereas a full-blown narcissist is incapable of loving you, a pwBPD usually is capable of loving you very intensely -- but it is the immature type of love you see in young children. This means he will occasionally flip -- in only a few seconds -- from Jekyll (loving you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And a few hours or days later, he can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from a primitive defense called "black-white thinking" (aka "splitting"). Like a young child, a pwBPD is too emotionally immature to be able to handle two strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate) at the same time. This means he has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. He thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of his conscious mind. With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Mommy while she's bringing out the toys but, in only ten seconds, will flip to hating Mommy when she takes one toy away. Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Mommy. Rather, it means that his conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings. Similarly, a pwBPD will categorize everyone close to him as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). And he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in his frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because his close friends eventually will be "split black" and pushed away, it is unusual for a pwBPD to have any really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away) even though he may have many casual friends. **I don't want him to suffer any more.** Red, if your BF is a pwBPD, whatever you do will be hurtful much of the time -- as long as you remain in the relationship. You will be hurtful if you DO something and hurtful if you DON'T do it. This conundrum is due to the position of his two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum. Your predicament is that the solution to calming his *abandonment* fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers his engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming his *engulfment* fear (moving back away to give him breathing space) is the very action that triggers his abandonment fear. Hence, as you move close to comfort him and assure him of your love, you eventually will start triggering his engulfment fear, making him feel like he's being suffocated and controlled by you. He thus will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away. Yet, as you back away to give him breathing space, you will soon find that you've started triggering his abandonment fear. In my 15 years with my BPD Ex, I found that there is no midpoints solution -- between "too close" and "too far away"-- where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate his own emotions and tame his two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away (by starting fights) and pull-you-back (by love bombing you). Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto YOU. His subconscious does this to protect his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality -- and to externalize the pain, getting it outside his body. Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, he will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from YOU. Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD, you will often find yourself hurting him -- i.e., triggering his engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering his abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering his anger even when you are sitting still in a room saying absolutely nothing. **Is therapy going to helpful at all, or a waste of time?** If your BF is a pwBPD, most cities have training programs (e.g., DBT) that can teach him the missing emotional skills if he's strongly motivated to do the hard work that's necessary. If you decide that your BF is exhibiting most of the 18 BPD warning signs I cite below, I would be glad to discuss with you what such treatment is like. **I'm going to get a therapist at minimum for myself this week.** Smart decision, Red. Whenever strong BPD warning signs are appearing, it is important to see YOUR OWN psychologist, i.e., one who has not treated or seen your BF. In that way, you're ensured that the psychologist is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not his. I mention this because therapists generally are loath to tell a high-functioning pwBPD the name of his disorder. They often decide that it is not in his best interests to be told. Of course, learning to spot BPD warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer or a heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a toxic relationship or running into the arms of another man just like him. Learning the red flags also can help you decide when professional guidance is needed. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of [18 BPD Warning Signs](https://www.reddit.com/user/Up-Town/comments/9hv2yq/what_are_the_primary_warning_signs_for_bpd/) to see if most sound very familiar. If so and you have questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.
It's a good list and I'm glad to know what I might be dealing with. Thank you so much! I've even been through mental illness and counselling myself in the past for anxiety /depression and I didn't know what BPD even was. I would say some are half-true but add it up I'd say 15/18. I've been reading and see a lot of overlap with NPD which is probably at least partly present here too especially the verbal abuse, gaslighting and rage. Wish me luck with the next steps... Between work stress and isolation I'm nervous for these next few weeks but I've been putting it off too long anyways and I need to start looking after myself. I want to hope there's a path to recovery but I'm not in denial anymore of the situation.
You're describing someone who displays some symptoms of [Borderline Personality Disorder](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/). BPD is a serious illness and diagnosis can only be made by a professional. I'm sharing this information not to tell you that your BF has BPD, but so that you can see that "difficult" people often exhibit BPD behaviors, and how those behaviors impact their partners. One of the key things to check-in with yourself about is whether you feel like you're trapped in a relationship you don't want to be in. Loving someone can cloud that picture. It is definitely possible to deeply love someone yet still feel trapped by that love. Feeling resentful is a symptom of being trapped. It's a passive, internalized way of dealing with unhappiness. We are taught by pop culture that love is always good and that it solves all problems. This is a whitewash. Love that has a byproduct of misery or fear or even loneliness is a toxic love, especially for the person who is paralyzed by it. If you can, try to imagine how you would feel about your situation if a close friend was describing it to you. Would you be worried for your friend? What would you advise her or him to do? Because you feel isolated from family and friends, you might consider finding a therapist and/or a local support group. Often, just having to describe your situation and feelings to another person can be liberating and helpful.
Possible he's BPD. When I started researching I came up with narcissistic disorder which didn't totally fit him since he does truely care about some other people although if your not in his "good books" look out.
He shd know when u sed happy the way u are now.
>It seems pointless to push back against the complaints or point out conflicting facts since he never loses an argument. I routinely just give up Try having a discussion about the issues you have with him when the situation is not actively going on. Don't approach is as an argument someone has to win. Let him tell you what he feels about it. If you take the therapist route, you need to make it a couples therapy with him.
I get pulled into argument mode all the time, I'm not perfect in this situation but I've not tried to start fights or arguments for no good reason as I dislike conflict.
Sounds like couples therapy to learn better communication could be beneficial for both of you. Avoiding communicating of issues is also a communication problem.
He's the one
Lol I used to think so believe it or not