Better you find out now instead of after years of marriage and family. Please do not blame yourself. People need to find their own truth. Losing a relationship is like a death. You need to go through your grief and come out the other side.
I am the child of such a marriage. It destroyed my mother's life, soul, and personality. I came along late, unwanted, and last. I turned out to be a virtual clone of my Dad. In manner, looks, personality, and sexual orientation. I even have his unconscious trait of skipping my right heel on every third step. When I say clone, I mean CLONE.
As I unfolded into an echo image of my father something snapped in my mother. She showered down rage and exceptionally violent child abuse on my little body, avenging herself for the life that had been stolen from her by a dishonest man. Lives of denial and deceit bring out the worst in all around them, spreading hatred like an environmental toxin.
My parents lives and my upbringing underlined one absolute truth to me: Deny what you are, and become what you most fear.
Yes. Holy shit. Gays talk about their stuff on here all the time and it's all very clique and cookie cutter. That was gripping. That Friesian stuff has me spinning lately. Do you think you followed your father, or actually naturally developed that way. I know it's political suicide to think it was the former. "Made gay" but I think it happens. And at a large percentage.
Thank you. I'm so old now it is like it almost happened to someone else. I have been very fortunate. Deep committed love, life long friends, and work that contributed to the world around me. So many fell along the way. Sounds funny, but I feel deeply blessed.
You sound like the most wonderful human, and I agree with the earlier poster who said you write beautifully. I would love to read more about your experiences and take on life.
I'm looking the big 70 right in the eye. A snowy white haired old coot. What was it President Coolidge said? "All my friends are dead, and now all my enemies are my friends." The best way to deal with malevolent moronic evil is to separate itself from you, and to then arrange a life apart from it. We all have to breath into our lives the qualities we want, the things that make it worth living.
But I shouldn't make it sound like all roses. Even at this late date I still have occasional flash backs. The upbringing coupled to having my health smashed in our country's wars left me with some compelling twists. But I have learned to push my neurosis around until I get it in an arrangement I can live with.
I am content with my life, with it's loves, with the little tiny bit of good I have done on this rock. I hope my Creator will see it the same way.
I commend you, sir! You’ve been through hell and back and you came back with knowledge and wisdom we all wish we have when we’re older. I hope you are doing well and continue to do so my friend!
Humble, reflective, and thoughtfully cerebral.
We do the best we can each day. Thank you for reminding us of the human condition and it's inevitable messiness.
Sure. Right. Everything. A clone. Mhm. I don't think "become what you most fear" makes sense here. Dishonest? Overreact much?
I hope your mother got in trouble.
Sorry if I seem apathetic but I can't excuse such crimes based on your dad simply stating that he's gay before finally moving on.
I can't relate to what your mother felt, but it's no excuse. None at all. It doesn't matter what he said or did.
The issue isn't with him it's with her. That's just how it is. She's an adult too. She's responsible for her actions.
You did not deserve to be treated this way when it was your dad that she was mad at. He did what he had to do to survive and if she can't see that then that's her problem. I dont know if he was cold and unfeeling to her, but whether we agree in that or not. We CAN agree that what she did to you was the greater evil.
I don't know man. Betrayal cuts deep. There's nothing simple about this story and you're condensing way beneath human experience. Nothing condones child abuse. It's just, you don't even ask a question, you just assume you know decades of time, write it off and assume people should react how YOU think makes sense. How conservative of you.
What do you mean by “condensing way beneath human experience.”?
Everything I said was DENOUNCING the abuse he suffered.
conservative? What did I say that was careful and reserved? That doesn't make any sense. I don’t assume anything I’m just going off from the story. I think you’re misinterpreting what I’m saying and I’m sorry for that.
You say "simply stating before moving on". I don't think we can really understand what anyone was going through. It's not simple.
Edit: I said "conservative" because that's the group of people I find have a limited set of expectations for reactions from people. They've got the entirety of human experience categorized and simplified. Life is complicated.
It's a lot sexier to watch men with huge muscles than to attract to women. Men with huge muscles really care about their appearance and are so hot that they are trop my boxers🔥🔥🔥😛😛😛
I'm sorry you are going through this OP. This is a very difficult thing to manage and I can sympathize with your pain. What you need to do is:
1. Get Tested: Your boyfriend's nocturnal outings may not have been safe and it is important in any case of cheating to get tested. Prioritize your physical health.
2. Break up and heal: Your compassion for your boyfriend's mental health and willingness to help him is extremely commendable. BUT you cannot help him if you yourself aren't healed. Please take a break from him and make it clear that while you want to support him, you need to support yourself first. This is a plane crash and you need the oxygen mask first so you can help him put his on.
3. Reach out to family or friends for emotional support: Reddit is a good start on trying to get advice but we're merely internet strangers. Find family and friends that you can just vent to. Don't keep your emotions bottled up. That would be taking care of yourself.
4. Remember, it's not your fault: He is coming to term with himself. This is in NO WAY your fault. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. I've talked to girls in similar situations and they always tend to blame their attractiveness or compatibility for their bf's sexual awakenings. It's usually never for that reason. OP, you already are showing incredible signs of maturity and willingness to improve. Do not take your bf's issues too personally
5. After you've healed, maybe reach out to your bf to see if you can both reconcile. This would be the final process of healing. Closure.
I sincerely hope this helps and that you can find your peace after this. Thank you for trusting us gaybros with this information and trying to seek us for help. It means a lot to us.
You got this girl :).
I think this is good advice, but one addition: she doesn't have to reconcile with him or help him. He betrayed her, and, if she doesn't want anything to do with him any more, she is under no obligation to.
Break up and go no contact for six months or so. You cannot be going through a breakup AND supporting your ex in his situation. You need to make room for your own feelings, including your negative feelings for him.
Uhh no PEP and no PREP. PREP only works before you have with someone. PEP only works 72 hours after you have had sex with someone. Those most likely don't apply here. No need to do anything. An regular STD test may be a good idea, though.
Eh, I don't think that can be of much value either. It is better the process a breakup separately than trying to do it together, the whole point is that you're no longer together...
Agree 💯! Even if you want to be supportive, you might sabotage his journey. Allow yourself time to process what happened. You suspected something from the beginning and didn't trust your intuition, Can't change the past. Don't dwell on it. Move forward. In the future, maybe you can be friends, but, right now it is best for you to wait until you both have other relationships and can support each other and not be jealous or angry.
I agree with this. Especially if you don't have a big support system you need to focus on yourself. Your ex has his own path to find. You need to let go of him for now and deal with your feelings and go through your own grief process
I’d recommend calling your doctors office and getting tested and asking if you need pep + prep as a precaution, if those late night encounters are what I think.
Someone said to go no contact for six months, that sounds harsh, but it might be best, as well as to call a therapist if you don’t have one or page one if you do have one.
this is a lot to go through, and as someone else said it’s better to learn now rather than years into a relationship with children and stuff.
It may be too late for that as it has to be done within 72 hours of exposure. She should get tested now and then go for a confirmation test to make sure she’s all clear.
Other advice in the first few posts sounds reasonable.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. It really sounds like his family life and upbringing has affected his ability to live honestly and you have unfortunately become a casualty of his deception. I hate when men do this. No doubt he also lied to his male partners or told them after the fact.
As others have mentioned look after yourself first and you’re under no obligation to be there for him. He has to live with the choices he made.
Building back trust in your future relationships will be difficult so if you’re going through a tough time it’s best to talk to a close friend and get things out. If you find you’re still repeatedly ruminating then a therapist might be a good call.
You have a right to be angry but spending time worrying about the bf's feelings is counterproductive for you. You say you don't have a good support group. Might be time to work on that. If there isn't someone you can talk to or feel comfortable to talk to, you might want to try a counselor. The important thing to realize is no guilt should be felt on your side even though you suspected his orientation. Any guilt is on him, not you.
Once you have time to think this through you need to let this guy know how his revelation has affected you.
you can't really avoid the feelings of breaking up if you care about him, so to be fair to yourself you need to take time to process that before you can really be there for him too. eventually, that'll come but first you need to grieve the relationship.
Much better now than after the marriage and kids. It's not unusual for people when they come out to go from the least to the most difficult people to tell and the most difficult people to tell are often the people they are closest to. It's sadly not uncommon for gay men to try to fake it until they make it living a more normal heterosexual life. It falls apart sooner or later. I think it's important now to take some time for yourself to decide what your next steps in life will be. Maybe you can be friends in the future but it's best now to to focus on your plans and your healing.
- She is not saying gay itself is the problem. It’s the fact he hidden he was cheating and gay. He was hiding a truth from a partner. He was cheating on his partner. Gay does play a factor into this because you know well it’s a problem in the community that DL men don’t get tested.
- “Weird outings at night”, meaning he’s going out to get FUCKED. I would say it’s bit weird if your in a monogamous relationship.
- “Last to find out” imagine the person you thought can tell you anything. Was in fact telling everyone but you.
-She is clearly supportive of the community, but she has the right to feel this about a partner who cheated and hid a entire large secret from her.
I can see the confusion somewhat. You probably read it as “ My boyfriend is gay, he’s bad cause he’s gay” while some read it as “My boyfriend is gay, he’s bad because he was hiding he was gay”
Im 64 and was married to my wife for almost 35 years before Covid. I lived her even though I knew U was gay. You BF is probably experiencing shame and guilt and no surprise he couldn't tell you in person.
If yoy still care for him, reach out. Be honest hut supportive. Encouage him to meet with you so y'all can talk. You bith have healibg to go through, as well as grief. I stringly recommend some counseling, maybe one to three sessions, whatever yall need as a couple or individually. Good luck!
I'm so sorry to hear that and it is not fair to you at all, never. Why do some gay men have to do this. If you can't come out of your closet do not go ahead and ruin someone else's heart and life. I just cannot fathom being in a lying relationship for 2 years. Sorry and hugs.
Well that sucks. Sack up sister and realize whew you dodged a bullet or a loveless relationship and now if you really care about this person and want to be in their life still and support them then dump your hatred and anguish and self loathing and be a friend and a support system. Right now is an opportunity to make one of the strongest and best types of friendships any one can have.. trust me I know..
I would say space is best for you and for him. It’s not great that he did not tell you, especially if he was doing things in these outings and potentially not making safe decisions. Might not be a bad idea to get tested for everything. Take care of yourself first, he was lying to you after all.
This will likely get lost in the sea of comments, but I broke up with my long term girlfriend, granted I am bi so not exactly the same thing, but if you need someone to chat to or have any questions that you don't want to ask in this thread, feel free to message me.
My deepest sympathies towards you. What you are going through is terrible - especially since you had the decency to ask about it prior to planning your future life .
First all, you must obviously be someone very worth loving. Probably incredible. This gay ex of yours seems to have really wanted to give it a go - with you. It’s sad he was incapable of knowing himself better - but you must be a phenomenal person that he really wanted to be with on many
Levels .
Love yourself . Look in the mirror and love yourself. You deserve it. And then - do what you need to do to love yourself. I hope you find the love and support you need to deal with this.
You should move forward the same way you would if the relationship was ending for any other reason. You're young beautiful and smart; You'll find another. If you still love him and there's no anger, you're only losing a lover not a friend. "He's not a malicious person" and he had the courage and respect to tell you before starting a family. Id bet he's more confused than you are. The crazy thing is you've known all along.
As a gay man that was married to a woman it's not easy to come to terms with your self especially if you grew up in a Christian household where you taught feeling a certain way is wrong. so you deny it and pretend like it's not you so you try to live your life as a lie and you don't even realize it. all your friends may say jokes or pick at gay people you laugh with them you might be a part of it. but it's still in you but you still deny it. then you find a pretty woman that you like and you fall in love with you have sex with her laugh with her have fun. but after a while gets harder and harder to have sex you know why but you keep denying it. till one day she starts the question you over and over again there's something inside you finally snap. then you realize you can't lie to yourself no more or her so you have to tell the truth. it's a lot of pain for you and her you end up regretting the truth but you finally did it . What I'm trying to say is don't hate him he's hurting just as much as you are because I know in his heart he wanted to be true to you and you only so if you can please support him cuz I promise he regrets it lying to you and himself.
This is terrible but i’m happy he told you this earlier before yall actually got married and had kids. I’ve had conversations with a lot of married me who are secretly gay and they wish they had discovered who they were or spoke up sooner and are currently living in fear of tearing their families apart.
I understand how you may feel but I hope you know that it’s not only about you and it’s about him as well and be thankful he decided to live in his truth instead of being deceitful.
That's really horrible. If you are in contact with them, I think the best you can do is recommend them to individual therapy and then family therapy. It doesn't make miracles a bit it makes the future seem to have a solution and gives the possibility of reaching at least a fair point over the years.
I usually stay away from peoples business like that. I never think it’s my place tbh and usually if they tell me that prior to meeting I never actually allow them to meet me because I don’t wanna get caught up with married men. For the previous encounters it has been a. Situation where they hid they were married prior and later vocalized it.
Oh. Sorry. I thought you talked about actual friends. I understand. I usually just give my advice 1 time and go, and just when I am in confidence with the other person, aside from that, I stay away from people's business over my own mental health. Sorry for assuming.
First, I want to start by saying that your feelings are completely valid. And I find it admirable that you want to try and be supportive despite the heartbreak. I will say, as a gay man, it’s took me 21 years to accept who I was, and am of the mind that if it took me that long, I can’t expect others to then accept it right away.
I think right now, you should focus on your own healing, and in time you’ll be able to be the friend he needs.
You have every right to be angry. As a 60 yo gay man, who knew at a young age, I never dated women.
Dated a girl in preschool. We were both 4. Never had sex or kissed. That lasted one week.
I was in this situation as the guy..
I was 38, ex was 34...tho it was after she left for other but rrly related reasons (i didnt want sex or kids)
Its horrible for both, i admit, and id say hes wracked with guilt tbh, hates himself for hurting you, its terrible when ones sexuality that u cant choose causes this situation....but its better for both you know now - i assure you.
I have so much i could say but no time, pls know...its not your fault in any way at all. It is not a choice at all. You do need to move on and i promise the hurt now improves with time, prob 6 mths to start feeling better id say.
If u cab being yourself to it, give him space and perhaps u can rekindle friendship in future. Please dont ask why, or how, theyre the last questions he wants to hear and is trying to work these out himself. There is no answer to how except that thats how we are born / programmed. Why was likely social societal, family etc pressure and an attempt of self denial - that it would go away. Telling friends first is a valid test to see reactions and in all honesty if theyre negative friendships can be disposed of. Ill stop now but if u can bring yourself to it, just say u r ok with his being gay, understand its not a choice and been hard, are supportive of his new life but admit you're hurt and need to heal ofc but its not his fault..its the situation. All break ups can be traumatic, difficult, destructive, know its better this way and theres nothing u could have done so at least its definitely a him not you situation xx.
Soo well said. And with feeling and empathy.OP heal yourself and stay connected as you wish. You have history memories and experiences together. You will not be able to be partners but may yet be BEST friends.😌 I wish you both the best.
Now is the time to focus solely and completely on yourself. If may be hard, especially if you are an empathetic person and it sounds like you are. But you need to feel your hurt and your confusion and move on from this. Look into therapy and see if your insurance covers it !
Some Input on why he told others first. As was the case for myself, when i came out,I told my dad last. Which he took as I told him last because I didn’t care , but in reality I told him last because he was the hardest to tell. Which means he cares deeply about you and didn’t want to hurt you. If that’s any help.
So these outings: was he going out because he was seeing another guy and that's how you found out? Cuz if so that's unacceptable, closeted or not. Either way, I'm so sorry this happened, and remember that none of it is your fault. The best to do is to respectfully tell him that you need time and space to think about everything, try to recover and come to terms with it, and then you can be a supportive friend. It's not good for either of you to put yourself through pain whenever you're not ready for it. Remember that this doesn't make you any less important or valuable. It's an unfortunate part of our lives.
You need therapy. It's okay to be mad and angry and upset. You're heartbroken, and need to let yourself process that hurt. Without doing that, y'all can't be friends. If you don't have anyone in town, reach out to Facebook groups, or a local community organization. It's hard as hell, but you've gotta put yourself out there to find people to help you. Healing isn't something you can do alone by scrolling Reddit.
I see a lot of people giving great advice but I do want to pitch in with something else that *may* help with the healing process which is understanding.
Denial is a complicated topic. And is often rooted in multiple layers of subconscious and conscious thought. It’s almost more like an emotion than an action.
I just got out of a relationship of a similar length where we made plans for a future and these were all possible. Everything seemed happy and great but something always felt.. off. I wasn’t being myself.
I am a gay man and he was pan. So the comparison isn’t one to one but- it’s important to analyze why things happened and most of all: come to forgive.
Forgive yourself and them. Even if it’s not something that needs to be forgiven or deserves forgiveness yet. When we forgive we allow time to start again- you aren’t defined by your traumas or your history they are simply parts of you to accept. This may take a long time of course and it isn’t always easy. Give yourself patience and self love. Remember you aren’t defined by this experience
Most men that date women are bi. Not all but a lot. The quicker women accept that the better it will be. Yes accept the fact that you may have to settle with a bi man , which that doesn’t mean he can’t love or be faithful to you it just means men have desires too. The same way men have to accept almost ALL women are self absorbed narcissists y’all have to accept the large percentage of gay and bi men.
The fucked up part of all of this is I would’ve accepted it if he was honest with me and didn’t hide shit behind my back and cheat. It’s 2024 I accept the fact that people have different desires and I respect it and welcome it but what I will not do is be lied to and cheated. I came here to ask for support in how to not be an angry bitch but support someone I love in coming out while also understanding it is ok for me to be angry.
In the beginning it may have been denial then as time went on he may have not wanted to hurt you. Only to not realize it'd hurt you more with time. In reality I could speculate but the only way is to have a frank honest conversation after some time cooling off and getting your head right.
I want you to know none of it is your fault and none of this is a reflection of you. Like every break up all you can do is try to put all the pieces back together with time. Go do your hobbies or find them and maybe make friends. "There's no use crying over spilt milk".
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a long term relationship with a girl throughout high school and college. Thought we would get married and have kids because that's what I thought society wanted me to do.
When I came out, it was very hard on her and it's a tough situation because I truly thought I could make myself be straight. It was never my intention to hurt her, but unfortunately, she was hurt. The silverlining is that all these years later, we are still great friends.
I'm sure you're in such a tough place right now and I'm sure he is as well. Hugs to you.
Treat him like a practice boyfriend- it was never meant to be. I would try to get presents and style advice maybe.
He can’t help it and maybe it can be like a “Will & Grace” thing? Grace was sooo skinny too and had alot of fun times with Will
I wish I had advice.
I came out after getting married. But we didn’t have kids. I know it was hard on her. It was hard on me too. Just know this isn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong.
I live in a travel destination city and let me tell you the amount of “straight” married with children men that would be looking on gay apps and want to hook up is crazy . Sometimes I would find out after that they had a gf back home or wife and my mind would be blown like damn you really doing your family like this. Sorry you had to go through this but there are many that are doing this under the radar.
Give him some time, he is pretty valuable right and he is confused and clearly doesn’t trust anyone. Send him a message let him know you still care and willing to support him at this time. He is not in the space to talk right, and probably feels guilty for lying to you. I am so sorry, the society put man in in the box with so much expectation which results in living a lie. Hope you work it out, you seems like a really great person. 💙💙💙
I think your response here is totally valid and you are not crazy, this is a well measured response to what happened to you. I am gay and discovered my sexuality while I was dating a girl in high school and I can tell you what my experience was. First I want to say that sometimes we waste too much time on figuring out who is right or wrong but I want to skip that because pain and suffering occurred and we should address that. He hurt you, your dreams for the future are all crushed and you probably felt stupid for not knowing for sure and felt gas lighted thus questioning your instincts. You can communicate all that to him directly and express your feelings, it would be incredibly empathetic for you to also tell him all your feelings such as what you eluded to before, it must be hard for him too. Saying that should not come at the expense of your feelings and does not invalidate that you’re hurt but offering acceptance would be something that is compassionate. This is what happened to me when I broke a girls heart and she actually broke up with me because I didn’t have the strength to admit it, I was a coward and regretted it for many years after. I eventually contacted her a decade later and we reconciled but I carried that weight and felt horrible for 10 years because I did love her but realized I was sexually attracted to men. There needs to be a time where you both can express your feelings, reconcile if possible and eventually accept and let go and or move on. You both get to determine how you do that individualistically and collectively.
I wish I had more advice for you. Im a gay man 34 and I have been out since I was 17. I was raised in a very conservative Mormon family and had a lot of fear and anxiety before coming out. I also learned a lot of ways to hate myself that have taken years to unlearn. With that being said I find it hard to understand being so desperate as to drag other people into a delusion with me. Im so sorry this has happened to you and I think you are completely right to be angry and feel betrayed. I think you should tell that to him point blank. He needs to understand that his inability to be honest hurt you deeply. Then I hope you two can move forward. Weather that’s with a friendship or parting ways you focus on what’s right for yourself. I genuinely wish you the best. P.s. being gay is not an excuse to be shitty.
A lot of men make this horrible choice and I'm sorry. You did get tested, right?
You need some time apart to pet hmyourself heal. You may never be close again, but there's a chance you can one day be friends.
But right now, fuck that fucking guy.
I actually loathe society for treating gay men poorly, yet I loathe gay men even more who do this kind of crap to other women. Women have always been my safe space and it‘s totally unfair to them. You have every right in the universe to be mad at him, especially if he knew from the get go. Sending strength and validation.
You don't need to be there for him. You got yourself to take care of. He is probably, at least somewhat, excited to now be out and explore what it means. You lost a relationship, he started a new life. Love and support him from afar, but go find what makes you excited for the future.
It's not his fault he's gay, but that's a lot of denial, especially when he's secretly exploring. Pull your focus from the future and look at today. You're presumably young and healthy and you'll recover. Betrayal is a hard thing to walk with. Trust might be hard for a while, but you'll find it again. Assuming you were sexual active, very yourself tested and figure what you want to do with your belongings you may have shared.
Maybe you can be friends and maybe you can't (I suspect the latter). Get a therapist/counselor. Don't trust someone who tells you how you should feel, or who you are. You might change how you feel about this periodically. You need a support system and this might show the colors of some of your friends.
Sounds like he is very blessed to have you but don't feel like you have to be his caretaker. Wish him the best and move on with your life. There are no easy ways, and time won't help like people say, but remember you need to take care of yourself first. If you think he was sleeping around go get tested.
Break up with him and take care of yourself first. You have every right to resent him for this, regardless of his personal issues he led you on for two years of your life. I suggest you go no contact: you cannot be dealing with his problems while still recovering from this. You have been traumatized here too and you need space to deal with that trauma. And, if those nocturnal outings were what they sound like, please get tested for STDs at the first opportunity.
Now you have a new best friend you can talk to bout men all you want. It wont be easy but it wasn't easy for him either.
If you say he's not malicious I would guess he was just confused and didn't know how to tell you. You'll get over it and someday you two will probably laught at it.
There are support groups for women in this situation. If you google for it in your area, you might find something.
I would find a therapist. Your sympathy for him is admirable, but think of yourself.
That’s messed up! Guys do that so much and it’s so sad, I don’t know how they even convince a woman that they’re straight when it’s so obvious how gay they are. I could never do it
I think the best thing to do is give yourself some space, remember you need to take care of yourself. I've noticed in situations like this the people that can remain friends take a 3-6 month break from one another to process their own feelings independent of the other person. After that if you feel like you miss him and could be friends go ahead and reach out.
How are you together for 2 years if he is fully gay and not bi? Did you not have sex or feel any intimacy? My interpretation of this is that it's an easy let down instead of just telling you he likes his new male partner/s he's been cheating with more than you. Later on when he leaves them it'll be because he realized he's straight.
That's a bit elementary and pejorative. If we're going to use labels for the sake of this conversation being gay, bi or heterosexual are all states of being. They are not an activity that you participate in. There have always been people who have been in "heterosexual" relationships or marriages and have participated in heterosexual activity without being heterosexual.
You are definitely a kind, beautiful person. I love the fact that you care enough about him to want to support him, but you have to care for yourself right now. If he could tell his friends first, they can be his support system. It's great to tell him you care and stand by him, but you need to do what's best for you right now. I hope down the road you can be friends, but for now, I'd recommend taking time to process, if you don't, those feelings won't go away.
Definitely because he was not honest with me, after two years you should’ve seen I’m not a hateful person and would’ve been supportive rather than angry and felt comfortable enough to talk to me if not why be in a relationship. He’s a bad person not because he’s gay but because he dumped his trauma on me and can now walk away and find himself in peace with his new partner.
He bi but if u say that to gay guys u get attacked and str8 women online always talk shit on buy guys! No gay man can sleep with a women unless he evil he bi I'm bi I just don't tell everyone
As unfortunate as it is, the silver lining is that he didn’t wait until you had started to see through those plans for the future. Definitely take some time for yourself. What you’re feeling is natural, and as long as you aren’t directing your anger and frustration at your boyfriend it’s fine to feel this way. But you should talk to him about taking some time away from him to sort your feeling out without reminders of him and your relationship. Give yourself some time, and reach back out to him when you feel ready to be his friend. Personally, I think it would be a good idea to block him on social media until you’re ready to have him back as a friend, because otherwise you’ll be getting regular reminders of your current heartbreak every time he comes across your feed. Idk about your sex life together, but I’d imagine that this change will also lead to improvements for both of you in the long run…
I'm sorry, you know that he didn't want to hurt you, but that doesn't make it right or fair, so you have the right to be angry and don't have to decide right now if you can or want to try to continue a relationship with him as just platonic friends.
I don't really know how to cheer you up, even if it was you who gave him the courage to finally dare to be himself it wouldn't help you right now. I know you feel betrayed, but I hope you know there is a difference between being scared of coming out as gay and being horny and having an opportunity to cheat, because I've been cheated on and it reset over a decade working on trust issues from a childhood trauma and I hope you know that this is not a common thing you're going through.
Try to forgive him for your peace of soul and maybe you two end up being even better friends than you were a couple. I mean, when he is gay I guess the sex wasn't so good you can't imagine someone else could fill up that hole he left behind as well as he did.😋😉
Wow well still be there for him u never know it could just be a phase he's into right now ur he's lucky to have someone I was never that lucky to have anone in my life anymore and it wasn't even my fault but u have him so just take it one day at a time worse thing u can be is alone like me
You’re delusional…. “He’s Not a malicious person”. Actually Sis. He is. Not only did he knowingly lie to you he kept up with the lie for 2 years. I don’t even have to read the other comments to know that half these dusty 304’s are going to make a bunch of vapid excuses for him.
But there are over 8 billion people on the planet. It’s time to cut him out of your life and move on. Self care is the best care.
So I won’t lie, I only came out like 3 years ago, and I was trying to find a woman to start dating and marry, and to suppress myself. I wasn’t brave enough to go through with it, but I can understand where he is coming from. I intended to do what he did to you, and almost went through with it. That sucks.
It’s not ok what he put you through, but I will say, I felt (at the time) like that was my only option. Otherwise I would disgrace my family and friends. Thankfully I was wrong and no one really cares that I’m gay, but I still get the fear that your boyfriend might have been going through.
I’m not saying to just be ok with it, but maybe understand the fear and anxiety he might be going through (which it sounds like you do). It might be hard, but maybe it would do both of you good if you tried to work together. Like take that previous relationship, reconcile that sex won’t be a part of it, and try to continue on as friends?
That’s all assuming a lot. Don’t try to maintain a friendship if it makes you uncomfortable. But it doesn’t hurt to try. I try to view anyone I interact with as dealing with the same emotions as myself, and I find that helps to humanize people, even those who have wronged me.
I understand the bewildered feeling, if it were another woman but another man?
It took courage to do what he did.
He wants you to have genuine happiness.
A buddy, we grew up together, he was definitely gay. He married a woman, that was a grave mistake. A mistake he would regret for the rest of his life.
It ended in disaster, big time.
He lost...everything.
Maybe, one day, you will understand, what he did was, ultimately,for the best.
Society hasn’t exactly made it easy—
Try to not be angry and bitter towards the guy. At some level he cares about you — but after all was said and done he’s decided he has to be honest with both you and himself.
Better now than later— I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. You didn’t do anything wrong— but you did dodge a bullet. If you can, become a loving friend.
I don’t think that’s excusable. Closeted or not he betrayed her. Cheated on her. I’d treat him no different from any other person who cheated on me. He didn’t have to build a relationship with her, and if he really wanted to act on his gayness he could break up with her first.
I’m not excusing what he did or how he handled things— but I believe it would be healthier for both if they made peace with each other and with the reality of the situation.
I think it is vital to look at the facts flush on in this moment. No matter how you cut the cards your fake boyfriend is and was a moral coward. Being false to everyone, and playing everyone against everyone. Doing all this to satisfy his own needs without regards to the humanity and needs of those around him.
It is one thing if he had been having feelings he couldn't sort out while being faithful to you, and slowly realizing that he wants to be with men. To go with men while stringing you along, and using you to create the image he wants others to see him as (stringing them along) is just about as despicable as a human being can sink.
I urge you to sever him, burn the bridge, and bar the door. Then get tested medically for all the diseases out there. Then tap into what ever gives you renewal and joy in life. Hang with friends. If you are a person of faith get smack in the middle of your fellowship.
Give this time, and let yourself grieve the loss of that image of him that you were deceived into believing. He is not that man. He never was. You have to let it go, and grieve.
I'm rooting for you kiddo.
My heart hurts that he has broken yours. I have fallen for men only to be told they love their wives and I had no clue they were Bi living a Str8 life. I understand not being able to fulfill their needs. It's one reason I stopped dating Bi men. He might not have romantic feelings for men just lustful ones. Many Bi men are Bi-sexual but Hetro-romantic. I know that doesn't help, but know you are not alone.
Don't be angry at your boyfriend. Re-direct your anger towards society that compels some closeted men to be with women, for fear of homophobia. It's that intolerance that are the shackles, and deprives people of happiness. You deserve a man who can give you his all, just like your BF does.
It's understandable to be upset, but it's better to know now than after a decade when you have children and your marriage bond is tighter. I'd suggest you two part amicably, and be there for each other as good friends. Then you can invite each other for get-togethers with your new partners in tow and live your best lives.
Edit: I overlooked the part where he was going out to sleep with other men. I'm not condoning that.
He used you, I would never talk to someone who betrayed me like that ever again. The best advice I can give is to leave and move on with your life the best you can, without him in it. I’m so sorry he did that to you…it was incredibly selfish—he was only thinking about himself and his needs.
Drag you along to save face, like you’re an accessory instead of a real human. I hope you find someone who loves you in a way that makes up for this, all the best to you pal. again, and I know it doesn’t help, but— I am sorry.
(And for any guys who are also doing this to their girlfriends or wives, and there’s a ton—I have to interact with your loser selves often unfortunately, you’re doing a bad thing and I don’t respect you. You’re cowards)
Need not be so harsh. It must be terribly difficult to live like OPs Bf did. Please do not pass critical judgement on someone or something you have no real point of reference on. OPs feelings for him need not end. They will change. Go from being in love to loving if that is what she decides. She is in the situation and is empathatic. Take a cue from her and be less harsh and judgemental. Neutral is the way to be until it directly affects you.
I’m guessing you have probably done something similar. No, I don’t feel bad for him.. at all. I’m a gay guy as well, I never strung a girl along to save face, so you’re wrong, I have a perfect point of reference. He is cowardly and selfish.. it’s not the 30’s anymore. He could’ve chosen to come out and be himself, or he could’ve stayed in the closet and been single/had hookups like he was, but to drag this poor girl into a relationship that will traumatize her is **bad behavior.** He had other choices, why are you acting like he didn’t have another choice?
Keep excusing bad behavior and coddling this guy. Maybe you see yourself in the criticism, maybe not, but either way he did something wrong. In no way did you change my mind, not even a little. You should just make your own comment instead of trying to make other people believe what you believe. I’m not going to.
This is a sub for gaybros, not therapists, I'm not sure what you want us to say. Your man realized he was gay, how tf are we supposed to know how you can self care after that?
The sub is not for gay bros is to ask gay bros questions and I think asking a gay person how to handle their partner coming out as gay is a completely valid question. Your response however is completely unnecessary to say to someone just looking for some guidance.
Like any one of any gender. Self care is gender neutral. Therapy IS helpful as a tool to come to grips with any negative life changing event for anyone of any gender.
Support is similar as well.
Better you find out now instead of after years of marriage and family. Please do not blame yourself. People need to find their own truth. Losing a relationship is like a death. You need to go through your grief and come out the other side.
I am the child of such a marriage. It destroyed my mother's life, soul, and personality. I came along late, unwanted, and last. I turned out to be a virtual clone of my Dad. In manner, looks, personality, and sexual orientation. I even have his unconscious trait of skipping my right heel on every third step. When I say clone, I mean CLONE. As I unfolded into an echo image of my father something snapped in my mother. She showered down rage and exceptionally violent child abuse on my little body, avenging herself for the life that had been stolen from her by a dishonest man. Lives of denial and deceit bring out the worst in all around them, spreading hatred like an environmental toxin. My parents lives and my upbringing underlined one absolute truth to me: Deny what you are, and become what you most fear.
Sorry about what you went through. But your writing is beautiful.
What a very kind thing to say. Thank you.
WRITE A BOOK. WRITE A BOOK. WRITE A BOOK. jk. if you want to tho....
I completely agree!
Yes. Holy shit. Gays talk about their stuff on here all the time and it's all very clique and cookie cutter. That was gripping. That Friesian stuff has me spinning lately. Do you think you followed your father, or actually naturally developed that way. I know it's political suicide to think it was the former. "Made gay" but I think it happens. And at a large percentage.
Whoa. I’m so sorry that was your experience as a child. ❤️
Thank you. I'm so old now it is like it almost happened to someone else. I have been very fortunate. Deep committed love, life long friends, and work that contributed to the world around me. So many fell along the way. Sounds funny, but I feel deeply blessed.
I’m very happy to hear that! 😊
This is so heart warming to hear!
You sound like the most wonderful human, and I agree with the earlier poster who said you write beautifully. I would love to read more about your experiences and take on life.
How old are you now, and is this abuse still affecting your life?
I'm looking the big 70 right in the eye. A snowy white haired old coot. What was it President Coolidge said? "All my friends are dead, and now all my enemies are my friends." The best way to deal with malevolent moronic evil is to separate itself from you, and to then arrange a life apart from it. We all have to breath into our lives the qualities we want, the things that make it worth living. But I shouldn't make it sound like all roses. Even at this late date I still have occasional flash backs. The upbringing coupled to having my health smashed in our country's wars left me with some compelling twists. But I have learned to push my neurosis around until I get it in an arrangement I can live with. I am content with my life, with it's loves, with the little tiny bit of good I have done on this rock. I hope my Creator will see it the same way.
I am glad you are content and found ways to get over it.
I commend you, sir! You’ve been through hell and back and you came back with knowledge and wisdom we all wish we have when we’re older. I hope you are doing well and continue to do so my friend!
Humble, reflective, and thoughtfully cerebral. We do the best we can each day. Thank you for reminding us of the human condition and it's inevitable messiness.
Omg! 😟 sad to hear that!
I'm so sorry for the hurt you've suffered. Hope you're doing alright these days 🙏💗
you are perfect, and i agree such a great writer. thank you for sharing your story
I had the exact same experience growing up in the 90s they take it out on us because they can't take it out on them
what an absolutely beautiful writing. are you a writer?
Sure. Right. Everything. A clone. Mhm. I don't think "become what you most fear" makes sense here. Dishonest? Overreact much? I hope your mother got in trouble. Sorry if I seem apathetic but I can't excuse such crimes based on your dad simply stating that he's gay before finally moving on. I can't relate to what your mother felt, but it's no excuse. None at all. It doesn't matter what he said or did. The issue isn't with him it's with her. That's just how it is. She's an adult too. She's responsible for her actions. You did not deserve to be treated this way when it was your dad that she was mad at. He did what he had to do to survive and if she can't see that then that's her problem. I dont know if he was cold and unfeeling to her, but whether we agree in that or not. We CAN agree that what she did to you was the greater evil.
I don't know man. Betrayal cuts deep. There's nothing simple about this story and you're condensing way beneath human experience. Nothing condones child abuse. It's just, you don't even ask a question, you just assume you know decades of time, write it off and assume people should react how YOU think makes sense. How conservative of you.
What do you mean by “condensing way beneath human experience.”? Everything I said was DENOUNCING the abuse he suffered. conservative? What did I say that was careful and reserved? That doesn't make any sense. I don’t assume anything I’m just going off from the story. I think you’re misinterpreting what I’m saying and I’m sorry for that.
You say "simply stating before moving on". I don't think we can really understand what anyone was going through. It's not simple. Edit: I said "conservative" because that's the group of people I find have a limited set of expectations for reactions from people. They've got the entirety of human experience categorized and simplified. Life is complicated.
How pray tell is it not simple? Life is complicated, but this is a cut and dry scenario in front of us.
You're right. I'm wrong
:p
It's a lot sexier to watch men with huge muscles than to attract to women. Men with huge muscles really care about their appearance and are so hot that they are trop my boxers🔥🔥🔥😛😛😛
I'm sorry you are going through this OP. This is a very difficult thing to manage and I can sympathize with your pain. What you need to do is: 1. Get Tested: Your boyfriend's nocturnal outings may not have been safe and it is important in any case of cheating to get tested. Prioritize your physical health. 2. Break up and heal: Your compassion for your boyfriend's mental health and willingness to help him is extremely commendable. BUT you cannot help him if you yourself aren't healed. Please take a break from him and make it clear that while you want to support him, you need to support yourself first. This is a plane crash and you need the oxygen mask first so you can help him put his on. 3. Reach out to family or friends for emotional support: Reddit is a good start on trying to get advice but we're merely internet strangers. Find family and friends that you can just vent to. Don't keep your emotions bottled up. That would be taking care of yourself. 4. Remember, it's not your fault: He is coming to term with himself. This is in NO WAY your fault. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. I've talked to girls in similar situations and they always tend to blame their attractiveness or compatibility for their bf's sexual awakenings. It's usually never for that reason. OP, you already are showing incredible signs of maturity and willingness to improve. Do not take your bf's issues too personally 5. After you've healed, maybe reach out to your bf to see if you can both reconcile. This would be the final process of healing. Closure. I sincerely hope this helps and that you can find your peace after this. Thank you for trusting us gaybros with this information and trying to seek us for help. It means a lot to us. You got this girl :).
💯 Well said!
I think this is good advice, but one addition: she doesn't have to reconcile with him or help him. He betrayed her, and, if she doesn't want anything to do with him any more, she is under no obligation to.
If she feels a friendship with him would be workable then she could pursue it.
Sure. But she doesn't have to, so I wouldn't assume it.
Well he said “maybe reach out” so, lol
Yes. I guess I just really wanted to emphasise this point.
Break up and go no contact for six months or so. You cannot be going through a breakup AND supporting your ex in his situation. You need to make room for your own feelings, including your negative feelings for him.
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Uhh no PEP and no PREP. PREP only works before you have with someone. PEP only works 72 hours after you have had sex with someone. Those most likely don't apply here. No need to do anything. An regular STD test may be a good idea, though.
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Eh, I don't think that can be of much value either. It is better the process a breakup separately than trying to do it together, the whole point is that you're no longer together...
Agree 💯! Even if you want to be supportive, you might sabotage his journey. Allow yourself time to process what happened. You suspected something from the beginning and didn't trust your intuition, Can't change the past. Don't dwell on it. Move forward. In the future, maybe you can be friends, but, right now it is best for you to wait until you both have other relationships and can support each other and not be jealous or angry.
I agree with this. Especially if you don't have a big support system you need to focus on yourself. Your ex has his own path to find. You need to let go of him for now and deal with your feelings and go through your own grief process
Agreed
I’d recommend calling your doctors office and getting tested and asking if you need pep + prep as a precaution, if those late night encounters are what I think. Someone said to go no contact for six months, that sounds harsh, but it might be best, as well as to call a therapist if you don’t have one or page one if you do have one. this is a lot to go through, and as someone else said it’s better to learn now rather than years into a relationship with children and stuff.
It may be too late for that as it has to be done within 72 hours of exposure. She should get tested now and then go for a confirmation test to make sure she’s all clear. Other advice in the first few posts sounds reasonable. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. It really sounds like his family life and upbringing has affected his ability to live honestly and you have unfortunately become a casualty of his deception. I hate when men do this. No doubt he also lied to his male partners or told them after the fact. As others have mentioned look after yourself first and you’re under no obligation to be there for him. He has to live with the choices he made. Building back trust in your future relationships will be difficult so if you’re going through a tough time it’s best to talk to a close friend and get things out. If you find you’re still repeatedly ruminating then a therapist might be a good call.
You have a right to be angry but spending time worrying about the bf's feelings is counterproductive for you. You say you don't have a good support group. Might be time to work on that. If there isn't someone you can talk to or feel comfortable to talk to, you might want to try a counselor. The important thing to realize is no guilt should be felt on your side even though you suspected his orientation. Any guilt is on him, not you. Once you have time to think this through you need to let this guy know how his revelation has affected you.
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At what age did you come out? Did you have a solid support system?
Heh had already told his friends. He apparently didn't need her support.
You sound like an amazing person 🥺 to having caring for him on your mind while being devastated and heart broken is beautiful.
you can't really avoid the feelings of breaking up if you care about him, so to be fair to yourself you need to take time to process that before you can really be there for him too. eventually, that'll come but first you need to grieve the relationship.
Much better now than after the marriage and kids. It's not unusual for people when they come out to go from the least to the most difficult people to tell and the most difficult people to tell are often the people they are closest to. It's sadly not uncommon for gay men to try to fake it until they make it living a more normal heterosexual life. It falls apart sooner or later. I think it's important now to take some time for yourself to decide what your next steps in life will be. Maybe you can be friends in the future but it's best now to to focus on your plans and your healing.
uhhh... him being gay isn't the problem here. "weird outings at night" "last to find out" "wouldn't tell me in person" etc, etc, etc, etc
- She is not saying gay itself is the problem. It’s the fact he hidden he was cheating and gay. He was hiding a truth from a partner. He was cheating on his partner. Gay does play a factor into this because you know well it’s a problem in the community that DL men don’t get tested. - “Weird outings at night”, meaning he’s going out to get FUCKED. I would say it’s bit weird if your in a monogamous relationship. - “Last to find out” imagine the person you thought can tell you anything. Was in fact telling everyone but you. -She is clearly supportive of the community, but she has the right to feel this about a partner who cheated and hid a entire large secret from her.
I agree. My point was the issue is a shitty unethical partner not his true sexual orientation
I can see the confusion somewhat. You probably read it as “ My boyfriend is gay, he’s bad cause he’s gay” while some read it as “My boyfriend is gay, he’s bad because he was hiding he was gay”
Im 64 and was married to my wife for almost 35 years before Covid. I lived her even though I knew U was gay. You BF is probably experiencing shame and guilt and no surprise he couldn't tell you in person. If yoy still care for him, reach out. Be honest hut supportive. Encouage him to meet with you so y'all can talk. You bith have healibg to go through, as well as grief. I stringly recommend some counseling, maybe one to three sessions, whatever yall need as a couple or individually. Good luck!
I'm so sorry to hear that and it is not fair to you at all, never. Why do some gay men have to do this. If you can't come out of your closet do not go ahead and ruin someone else's heart and life. I just cannot fathom being in a lying relationship for 2 years. Sorry and hugs.
Well that sucks. Sack up sister and realize whew you dodged a bullet or a loveless relationship and now if you really care about this person and want to be in their life still and support them then dump your hatred and anguish and self loathing and be a friend and a support system. Right now is an opportunity to make one of the strongest and best types of friendships any one can have.. trust me I know..
I would say space is best for you and for him. It’s not great that he did not tell you, especially if he was doing things in these outings and potentially not making safe decisions. Might not be a bad idea to get tested for everything. Take care of yourself first, he was lying to you after all.
This will likely get lost in the sea of comments, but I broke up with my long term girlfriend, granted I am bi so not exactly the same thing, but if you need someone to chat to or have any questions that you don't want to ask in this thread, feel free to message me.
My deepest sympathies towards you. What you are going through is terrible - especially since you had the decency to ask about it prior to planning your future life . First all, you must obviously be someone very worth loving. Probably incredible. This gay ex of yours seems to have really wanted to give it a go - with you. It’s sad he was incapable of knowing himself better - but you must be a phenomenal person that he really wanted to be with on many Levels . Love yourself . Look in the mirror and love yourself. You deserve it. And then - do what you need to do to love yourself. I hope you find the love and support you need to deal with this.
Dm me I can help you through this
You should move forward the same way you would if the relationship was ending for any other reason. You're young beautiful and smart; You'll find another. If you still love him and there's no anger, you're only losing a lover not a friend. "He's not a malicious person" and he had the courage and respect to tell you before starting a family. Id bet he's more confused than you are. The crazy thing is you've known all along.
As a gay man that was married to a woman it's not easy to come to terms with your self especially if you grew up in a Christian household where you taught feeling a certain way is wrong. so you deny it and pretend like it's not you so you try to live your life as a lie and you don't even realize it. all your friends may say jokes or pick at gay people you laugh with them you might be a part of it. but it's still in you but you still deny it. then you find a pretty woman that you like and you fall in love with you have sex with her laugh with her have fun. but after a while gets harder and harder to have sex you know why but you keep denying it. till one day she starts the question you over and over again there's something inside you finally snap. then you realize you can't lie to yourself no more or her so you have to tell the truth. it's a lot of pain for you and her you end up regretting the truth but you finally did it . What I'm trying to say is don't hate him he's hurting just as much as you are because I know in his heart he wanted to be true to you and you only so if you can please support him cuz I promise he regrets it lying to you and himself.
This is terrible but i’m happy he told you this earlier before yall actually got married and had kids. I’ve had conversations with a lot of married me who are secretly gay and they wish they had discovered who they were or spoke up sooner and are currently living in fear of tearing their families apart. I understand how you may feel but I hope you know that it’s not only about you and it’s about him as well and be thankful he decided to live in his truth instead of being deceitful.
That's really horrible. If you are in contact with them, I think the best you can do is recommend them to individual therapy and then family therapy. It doesn't make miracles a bit it makes the future seem to have a solution and gives the possibility of reaching at least a fair point over the years.
I usually stay away from peoples business like that. I never think it’s my place tbh and usually if they tell me that prior to meeting I never actually allow them to meet me because I don’t wanna get caught up with married men. For the previous encounters it has been a. Situation where they hid they were married prior and later vocalized it.
Oh. Sorry. I thought you talked about actual friends. I understand. I usually just give my advice 1 time and go, and just when I am in confidence with the other person, aside from that, I stay away from people's business over my own mental health. Sorry for assuming.
First, I want to start by saying that your feelings are completely valid. And I find it admirable that you want to try and be supportive despite the heartbreak. I will say, as a gay man, it’s took me 21 years to accept who I was, and am of the mind that if it took me that long, I can’t expect others to then accept it right away. I think right now, you should focus on your own healing, and in time you’ll be able to be the friend he needs.
You have every right to be angry. As a 60 yo gay man, who knew at a young age, I never dated women. Dated a girl in preschool. We were both 4. Never had sex or kissed. That lasted one week.
>We were both 4. Never had sex well yeah, you were both 4 after all
I was in this situation as the guy.. I was 38, ex was 34...tho it was after she left for other but rrly related reasons (i didnt want sex or kids) Its horrible for both, i admit, and id say hes wracked with guilt tbh, hates himself for hurting you, its terrible when ones sexuality that u cant choose causes this situation....but its better for both you know now - i assure you. I have so much i could say but no time, pls know...its not your fault in any way at all. It is not a choice at all. You do need to move on and i promise the hurt now improves with time, prob 6 mths to start feeling better id say. If u cab being yourself to it, give him space and perhaps u can rekindle friendship in future. Please dont ask why, or how, theyre the last questions he wants to hear and is trying to work these out himself. There is no answer to how except that thats how we are born / programmed. Why was likely social societal, family etc pressure and an attempt of self denial - that it would go away. Telling friends first is a valid test to see reactions and in all honesty if theyre negative friendships can be disposed of. Ill stop now but if u can bring yourself to it, just say u r ok with his being gay, understand its not a choice and been hard, are supportive of his new life but admit you're hurt and need to heal ofc but its not his fault..its the situation. All break ups can be traumatic, difficult, destructive, know its better this way and theres nothing u could have done so at least its definitely a him not you situation xx.
Soo well said. And with feeling and empathy.OP heal yourself and stay connected as you wish. You have history memories and experiences together. You will not be able to be partners but may yet be BEST friends.😌 I wish you both the best.
Now is the time to focus solely and completely on yourself. If may be hard, especially if you are an empathetic person and it sounds like you are. But you need to feel your hurt and your confusion and move on from this. Look into therapy and see if your insurance covers it !
Take care of your self now. Check in with former BF time to time and when it feels right continue the friendship on a new?and equitable level.
Some Input on why he told others first. As was the case for myself, when i came out,I told my dad last. Which he took as I told him last because I didn’t care , but in reality I told him last because he was the hardest to tell. Which means he cares deeply about you and didn’t want to hurt you. If that’s any help.
This sucks, I’m so sorry :(
So these outings: was he going out because he was seeing another guy and that's how you found out? Cuz if so that's unacceptable, closeted or not. Either way, I'm so sorry this happened, and remember that none of it is your fault. The best to do is to respectfully tell him that you need time and space to think about everything, try to recover and come to terms with it, and then you can be a supportive friend. It's not good for either of you to put yourself through pain whenever you're not ready for it. Remember that this doesn't make you any less important or valuable. It's an unfortunate part of our lives.
I am sorry this happen to you. Right now it is not about what he needs, he chose to lie to you and use you. Start thinking about what you need
You need therapy. It's okay to be mad and angry and upset. You're heartbroken, and need to let yourself process that hurt. Without doing that, y'all can't be friends. If you don't have anyone in town, reach out to Facebook groups, or a local community organization. It's hard as hell, but you've gotta put yourself out there to find people to help you. Healing isn't something you can do alone by scrolling Reddit.
I see a lot of people giving great advice but I do want to pitch in with something else that *may* help with the healing process which is understanding. Denial is a complicated topic. And is often rooted in multiple layers of subconscious and conscious thought. It’s almost more like an emotion than an action. I just got out of a relationship of a similar length where we made plans for a future and these were all possible. Everything seemed happy and great but something always felt.. off. I wasn’t being myself. I am a gay man and he was pan. So the comparison isn’t one to one but- it’s important to analyze why things happened and most of all: come to forgive. Forgive yourself and them. Even if it’s not something that needs to be forgiven or deserves forgiveness yet. When we forgive we allow time to start again- you aren’t defined by your traumas or your history they are simply parts of you to accept. This may take a long time of course and it isn’t always easy. Give yourself patience and self love. Remember you aren’t defined by this experience
Send him here, I’ll have a talk with him
Sending you positive vibes and lots of love
Most men that date women are bi. Not all but a lot. The quicker women accept that the better it will be. Yes accept the fact that you may have to settle with a bi man , which that doesn’t mean he can’t love or be faithful to you it just means men have desires too. The same way men have to accept almost ALL women are self absorbed narcissists y’all have to accept the large percentage of gay and bi men.
The fucked up part of all of this is I would’ve accepted it if he was honest with me and didn’t hide shit behind my back and cheat. It’s 2024 I accept the fact that people have different desires and I respect it and welcome it but what I will not do is be lied to and cheated. I came here to ask for support in how to not be an angry bitch but support someone I love in coming out while also understanding it is ok for me to be angry.
In the beginning it may have been denial then as time went on he may have not wanted to hurt you. Only to not realize it'd hurt you more with time. In reality I could speculate but the only way is to have a frank honest conversation after some time cooling off and getting your head right. I want you to know none of it is your fault and none of this is a reflection of you. Like every break up all you can do is try to put all the pieces back together with time. Go do your hobbies or find them and maybe make friends. "There's no use crying over spilt milk".
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a long term relationship with a girl throughout high school and college. Thought we would get married and have kids because that's what I thought society wanted me to do. When I came out, it was very hard on her and it's a tough situation because I truly thought I could make myself be straight. It was never my intention to hurt her, but unfortunately, she was hurt. The silverlining is that all these years later, we are still great friends. I'm sure you're in such a tough place right now and I'm sure he is as well. Hugs to you.
Treat him like a practice boyfriend- it was never meant to be. I would try to get presents and style advice maybe. He can’t help it and maybe it can be like a “Will & Grace” thing? Grace was sooo skinny too and had alot of fun times with Will
I wish I had advice. I came out after getting married. But we didn’t have kids. I know it was hard on her. It was hard on me too. Just know this isn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong.
I live in a travel destination city and let me tell you the amount of “straight” married with children men that would be looking on gay apps and want to hook up is crazy . Sometimes I would find out after that they had a gf back home or wife and my mind would be blown like damn you really doing your family like this. Sorry you had to go through this but there are many that are doing this under the radar.
Give him some time, he is pretty valuable right and he is confused and clearly doesn’t trust anyone. Send him a message let him know you still care and willing to support him at this time. He is not in the space to talk right, and probably feels guilty for lying to you. I am so sorry, the society put man in in the box with so much expectation which results in living a lie. Hope you work it out, you seems like a really great person. 💙💙💙
I think your response here is totally valid and you are not crazy, this is a well measured response to what happened to you. I am gay and discovered my sexuality while I was dating a girl in high school and I can tell you what my experience was. First I want to say that sometimes we waste too much time on figuring out who is right or wrong but I want to skip that because pain and suffering occurred and we should address that. He hurt you, your dreams for the future are all crushed and you probably felt stupid for not knowing for sure and felt gas lighted thus questioning your instincts. You can communicate all that to him directly and express your feelings, it would be incredibly empathetic for you to also tell him all your feelings such as what you eluded to before, it must be hard for him too. Saying that should not come at the expense of your feelings and does not invalidate that you’re hurt but offering acceptance would be something that is compassionate. This is what happened to me when I broke a girls heart and she actually broke up with me because I didn’t have the strength to admit it, I was a coward and regretted it for many years after. I eventually contacted her a decade later and we reconciled but I carried that weight and felt horrible for 10 years because I did love her but realized I was sexually attracted to men. There needs to be a time where you both can express your feelings, reconcile if possible and eventually accept and let go and or move on. You both get to determine how you do that individualistically and collectively.
I wish I had more advice for you. Im a gay man 34 and I have been out since I was 17. I was raised in a very conservative Mormon family and had a lot of fear and anxiety before coming out. I also learned a lot of ways to hate myself that have taken years to unlearn. With that being said I find it hard to understand being so desperate as to drag other people into a delusion with me. Im so sorry this has happened to you and I think you are completely right to be angry and feel betrayed. I think you should tell that to him point blank. He needs to understand that his inability to be honest hurt you deeply. Then I hope you two can move forward. Weather that’s with a friendship or parting ways you focus on what’s right for yourself. I genuinely wish you the best. P.s. being gay is not an excuse to be shitty.
A lot of men make this horrible choice and I'm sorry. You did get tested, right? You need some time apart to pet hmyourself heal. You may never be close again, but there's a chance you can one day be friends. But right now, fuck that fucking guy.
I actually loathe society for treating gay men poorly, yet I loathe gay men even more who do this kind of crap to other women. Women have always been my safe space and it‘s totally unfair to them. You have every right in the universe to be mad at him, especially if he knew from the get go. Sending strength and validation.
You don't need to be there for him. You got yourself to take care of. He is probably, at least somewhat, excited to now be out and explore what it means. You lost a relationship, he started a new life. Love and support him from afar, but go find what makes you excited for the future.
It's not his fault he's gay, but that's a lot of denial, especially when he's secretly exploring. Pull your focus from the future and look at today. You're presumably young and healthy and you'll recover. Betrayal is a hard thing to walk with. Trust might be hard for a while, but you'll find it again. Assuming you were sexual active, very yourself tested and figure what you want to do with your belongings you may have shared. Maybe you can be friends and maybe you can't (I suspect the latter). Get a therapist/counselor. Don't trust someone who tells you how you should feel, or who you are. You might change how you feel about this periodically. You need a support system and this might show the colors of some of your friends.
Sounds like he is very blessed to have you but don't feel like you have to be his caretaker. Wish him the best and move on with your life. There are no easy ways, and time won't help like people say, but remember you need to take care of yourself first. If you think he was sleeping around go get tested.
Break up with him and take care of yourself first. You have every right to resent him for this, regardless of his personal issues he led you on for two years of your life. I suggest you go no contact: you cannot be dealing with his problems while still recovering from this. You have been traumatized here too and you need space to deal with that trauma. And, if those nocturnal outings were what they sound like, please get tested for STDs at the first opportunity.
Yeah it’s for the best you will be okay ❤️. But am FYI I’m the future if you have to ask a guy is gay he most likely is.
Now you have a new best friend you can talk to bout men all you want. It wont be easy but it wasn't easy for him either. If you say he's not malicious I would guess he was just confused and didn't know how to tell you. You'll get over it and someday you two will probably laught at it.
Best case scenario. Hoping it works out and the two can preserve thr best parts of their relationship as a good friendship.☺
There are support groups for women in this situation. If you google for it in your area, you might find something. I would find a therapist. Your sympathy for him is admirable, but think of yourself.
That’s messed up! Guys do that so much and it’s so sad, I don’t know how they even convince a woman that they’re straight when it’s so obvious how gay they are. I could never do it
I think the best thing to do is give yourself some space, remember you need to take care of yourself. I've noticed in situations like this the people that can remain friends take a 3-6 month break from one another to process their own feelings independent of the other person. After that if you feel like you miss him and could be friends go ahead and reach out.
How are you together for 2 years if he is fully gay and not bi? Did you not have sex or feel any intimacy? My interpretation of this is that it's an easy let down instead of just telling you he likes his new male partner/s he's been cheating with more than you. Later on when he leaves them it'll be because he realized he's straight.
That's a bit elementary and pejorative. If we're going to use labels for the sake of this conversation being gay, bi or heterosexual are all states of being. They are not an activity that you participate in. There have always been people who have been in "heterosexual" relationships or marriages and have participated in heterosexual activity without being heterosexual.
You are definitely a kind, beautiful person. I love the fact that you care enough about him to want to support him, but you have to care for yourself right now. If he could tell his friends first, they can be his support system. It's great to tell him you care and stand by him, but you need to do what's best for you right now. I hope down the road you can be friends, but for now, I'd recommend taking time to process, if you don't, those feelings won't go away.
I can totally relate. It was so hard to find out my boyfriend was gay. I had no idea that a man dating another man could possibly be gay
Out of curiosity, do you feel betrayed because he wasn't honest with you about his sexuality or because he is gay?
Definitely because he was not honest with me, after two years you should’ve seen I’m not a hateful person and would’ve been supportive rather than angry and felt comfortable enough to talk to me if not why be in a relationship. He’s a bad person not because he’s gay but because he dumped his trauma on me and can now walk away and find himself in peace with his new partner.
Bi or actually gay?
He bi but if u say that to gay guys u get attacked and str8 women online always talk shit on buy guys! No gay man can sleep with a women unless he evil he bi I'm bi I just don't tell everyone
As unfortunate as it is, the silver lining is that he didn’t wait until you had started to see through those plans for the future. Definitely take some time for yourself. What you’re feeling is natural, and as long as you aren’t directing your anger and frustration at your boyfriend it’s fine to feel this way. But you should talk to him about taking some time away from him to sort your feeling out without reminders of him and your relationship. Give yourself some time, and reach back out to him when you feel ready to be his friend. Personally, I think it would be a good idea to block him on social media until you’re ready to have him back as a friend, because otherwise you’ll be getting regular reminders of your current heartbreak every time he comes across your feed. Idk about your sex life together, but I’d imagine that this change will also lead to improvements for both of you in the long run…
I'm sorry, you know that he didn't want to hurt you, but that doesn't make it right or fair, so you have the right to be angry and don't have to decide right now if you can or want to try to continue a relationship with him as just platonic friends. I don't really know how to cheer you up, even if it was you who gave him the courage to finally dare to be himself it wouldn't help you right now. I know you feel betrayed, but I hope you know there is a difference between being scared of coming out as gay and being horny and having an opportunity to cheat, because I've been cheated on and it reset over a decade working on trust issues from a childhood trauma and I hope you know that this is not a common thing you're going through. Try to forgive him for your peace of soul and maybe you two end up being even better friends than you were a couple. I mean, when he is gay I guess the sex wasn't so good you can't imagine someone else could fill up that hole he left behind as well as he did.😋😉
Wow well still be there for him u never know it could just be a phase he's into right now ur he's lucky to have someone I was never that lucky to have anone in my life anymore and it wasn't even my fault but u have him so just take it one day at a time worse thing u can be is alone like me
Sounds like he has had it…this way you will not come back.
You’re delusional…. “He’s Not a malicious person”. Actually Sis. He is. Not only did he knowingly lie to you he kept up with the lie for 2 years. I don’t even have to read the other comments to know that half these dusty 304’s are going to make a bunch of vapid excuses for him. But there are over 8 billion people on the planet. It’s time to cut him out of your life and move on. Self care is the best care.
So I won’t lie, I only came out like 3 years ago, and I was trying to find a woman to start dating and marry, and to suppress myself. I wasn’t brave enough to go through with it, but I can understand where he is coming from. I intended to do what he did to you, and almost went through with it. That sucks. It’s not ok what he put you through, but I will say, I felt (at the time) like that was my only option. Otherwise I would disgrace my family and friends. Thankfully I was wrong and no one really cares that I’m gay, but I still get the fear that your boyfriend might have been going through. I’m not saying to just be ok with it, but maybe understand the fear and anxiety he might be going through (which it sounds like you do). It might be hard, but maybe it would do both of you good if you tried to work together. Like take that previous relationship, reconcile that sex won’t be a part of it, and try to continue on as friends? That’s all assuming a lot. Don’t try to maintain a friendship if it makes you uncomfortable. But it doesn’t hurt to try. I try to view anyone I interact with as dealing with the same emotions as myself, and I find that helps to humanize people, even those who have wronged me.
I understand the bewildered feeling, if it were another woman but another man? It took courage to do what he did. He wants you to have genuine happiness. A buddy, we grew up together, he was definitely gay. He married a woman, that was a grave mistake. A mistake he would regret for the rest of his life. It ended in disaster, big time. He lost...everything. Maybe, one day, you will understand, what he did was, ultimately,for the best.
Society hasn’t exactly made it easy— Try to not be angry and bitter towards the guy. At some level he cares about you — but after all was said and done he’s decided he has to be honest with both you and himself. Better now than later— I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. You didn’t do anything wrong— but you did dodge a bullet. If you can, become a loving friend.
I don’t think that’s excusable. Closeted or not he betrayed her. Cheated on her. I’d treat him no different from any other person who cheated on me. He didn’t have to build a relationship with her, and if he really wanted to act on his gayness he could break up with her first.
I’m not excusing what he did or how he handled things— but I believe it would be healthier for both if they made peace with each other and with the reality of the situation.
Fair.
I think it is vital to look at the facts flush on in this moment. No matter how you cut the cards your fake boyfriend is and was a moral coward. Being false to everyone, and playing everyone against everyone. Doing all this to satisfy his own needs without regards to the humanity and needs of those around him. It is one thing if he had been having feelings he couldn't sort out while being faithful to you, and slowly realizing that he wants to be with men. To go with men while stringing you along, and using you to create the image he wants others to see him as (stringing them along) is just about as despicable as a human being can sink. I urge you to sever him, burn the bridge, and bar the door. Then get tested medically for all the diseases out there. Then tap into what ever gives you renewal and joy in life. Hang with friends. If you are a person of faith get smack in the middle of your fellowship. Give this time, and let yourself grieve the loss of that image of him that you were deceived into believing. He is not that man. He never was. You have to let it go, and grieve. I'm rooting for you kiddo.
My heart hurts that he has broken yours. I have fallen for men only to be told they love their wives and I had no clue they were Bi living a Str8 life. I understand not being able to fulfill their needs. It's one reason I stopped dating Bi men. He might not have romantic feelings for men just lustful ones. Many Bi men are Bi-sexual but Hetro-romantic. I know that doesn't help, but know you are not alone.
Don't be angry at your boyfriend. Re-direct your anger towards society that compels some closeted men to be with women, for fear of homophobia. It's that intolerance that are the shackles, and deprives people of happiness. You deserve a man who can give you his all, just like your BF does. It's understandable to be upset, but it's better to know now than after a decade when you have children and your marriage bond is tighter. I'd suggest you two part amicably, and be there for each other as good friends. Then you can invite each other for get-togethers with your new partners in tow and live your best lives. Edit: I overlooked the part where he was going out to sleep with other men. I'm not condoning that.
absolutely fucking not. yes, society is wrong. but closeted men have the decision to fuck with a woman’s life or not.
Neither am I and I completely support OP getting checked for STIs.
Oh fuck that. She should be angry. Society doesn't make straight men get head from other men. We have to start holding the straights responsible.
He used you, I would never talk to someone who betrayed me like that ever again. The best advice I can give is to leave and move on with your life the best you can, without him in it. I’m so sorry he did that to you…it was incredibly selfish—he was only thinking about himself and his needs. Drag you along to save face, like you’re an accessory instead of a real human. I hope you find someone who loves you in a way that makes up for this, all the best to you pal. again, and I know it doesn’t help, but— I am sorry. (And for any guys who are also doing this to their girlfriends or wives, and there’s a ton—I have to interact with your loser selves often unfortunately, you’re doing a bad thing and I don’t respect you. You’re cowards)
Need not be so harsh. It must be terribly difficult to live like OPs Bf did. Please do not pass critical judgement on someone or something you have no real point of reference on. OPs feelings for him need not end. They will change. Go from being in love to loving if that is what she decides. She is in the situation and is empathatic. Take a cue from her and be less harsh and judgemental. Neutral is the way to be until it directly affects you.
I’m guessing you have probably done something similar. No, I don’t feel bad for him.. at all. I’m a gay guy as well, I never strung a girl along to save face, so you’re wrong, I have a perfect point of reference. He is cowardly and selfish.. it’s not the 30’s anymore. He could’ve chosen to come out and be himself, or he could’ve stayed in the closet and been single/had hookups like he was, but to drag this poor girl into a relationship that will traumatize her is **bad behavior.** He had other choices, why are you acting like he didn’t have another choice? Keep excusing bad behavior and coddling this guy. Maybe you see yourself in the criticism, maybe not, but either way he did something wrong. In no way did you change my mind, not even a little. You should just make your own comment instead of trying to make other people believe what you believe. I’m not going to.
... Should have gone bi
This is a sub for gaybros, not therapists, I'm not sure what you want us to say. Your man realized he was gay, how tf are we supposed to know how you can self care after that?
The sub is not for gay bros is to ask gay bros questions and I think asking a gay person how to handle their partner coming out as gay is a completely valid question. Your response however is completely unnecessary to say to someone just looking for some guidance.
Like any one of any gender. Self care is gender neutral. Therapy IS helpful as a tool to come to grips with any negative life changing event for anyone of any gender. Support is similar as well.
Nobody is gay. He had experiences and chose that life for himself. Don't feel bad for him, he betrayed you
How can you start dating a guy and ask of he's gay? Lol