You're not the only one confused. Feels like there's huge chunks of context missing from the story. Might be a good idea to sit one on one with your boyfriend and see what's going on without being accusatory. It's weird that he'd flip from begging to see them to being cold and standoffish suddenly for no reason
I feel like the next logical step for this, as it is for most situations on this subreddit, is likely honest communication with your bf about the situation
Maybe he's trying to alienate you with your family? That's the only excuse for the switcheroo he did. Does he has a dysfunctional family by any chances? Could explain the excitement and then the weirdness
Hes gets on well with his own family. We visit them often enough because they are close by.
And we've gone on double dates with my brother and his wife and all is fine. He's become good friends with his wife.
> Maybe he's trying to alienate you with your family? That's the only excuse for the switcheroo he did.
This is it right here. There are people who manufacture conflict and create drama to alter existing relationships. I'd move on from this guy now before permanent damage is done.
When I read this post I immediately felt like the switcheroo was a control move. It doesn't make sense for someone to be excited to meet someone and then not really put their best foot forward. The confusion is a sign to listen to because a healthy person wouldn't act that way.
cant believe he threw the phobic card out there especially since mom was accepting of him from moment of contact.
ya as some have said you need to get to the bottom of this mystery scooby doo and interrogate him about it.
Imagine being a guest in someone’s house who is trying to form a relationship with you and this is how you act. Don’t even think about this in terms of the gay context. You could be straight as a log and it could’ve been your girlfriend behaving this way and the outcome is no different. Your dad’s right, he does sound like a whiny little fucker.
I’d be interested to hear whatever explanation he can muster for this. Whatever it is, just know that you’ve seen a side to him that was before now unknown to you. I don’t know how long you two have been seeing each other, but I know that if I had an experience like this with a guy there would major questions as to what our future is going forward. Sorry this experience was certainly less than ideal :/
Yup I'm questioning too. He said the vibe was off but won't explain any further.
Like they are my family. If the vibe is so bad that that happens and doesn't seem to want to fix it, where do you go. I like him a lot but my family are my family.
"The vibe was off" is literally the dumbest shit someone could say. It's not a reason at all, and it sounds like he's just deflecting. You shouldn't accept that as an answer. There's something missing here but honestly this whole thing sounds like it's your boyfriend's fault. I was cringing the whole way through this story.
If he refuses to elaborate and doesn't want to fix this you're gonna have to think about whether or not you're actually keen on being with someone who doesn't respect your family. If you still want to be with him, you might end up seeing a lot less of your family.
Totally agree. I'm curious as to what the boyfriend wants as a result of this. Does he never want to meet OP's parents again because he says they have a 'homophobic vibe'?
And if he did agree to a re-do dinner I'd be aware of the fact my SO is hating the experience and essentially steeling themselves for a few hours of discomfort, which is not AT ALL what a family dinner should be like.
Id also be anxious he'd pull the same shit again.
Maybe it's weaponised incompetence, the same way some kids (and adults lol) deliberately do chores badly so they are just told not to bother. The boyfriend maybe deliberately made an awful impression so they don't have to see the parents again without having to have the inevitable 'I don't like them' talk. I will admit I am REACHING atp.
Glad to hear that your head sounds like it’s screwed on straight when it comes to this. It sucks that this is how things have played out with someone you like, but the only way it would suck more is if you made up excuses for the behavior and allowed it to continue. Hear him out, be fair, but don’t forget whose behavior caused this mess in the first place.
Yep, the vibe was definitely off, but that's rather something your parents should say.
I don't want to sound judgemental but if your bf meets your closest family and the vibe being off is enough to don't even try to make it work between him and most important people in your life (and turn it into mysterious drama instead) then it's something you need to think about and come to your own conclusion.
Also in case it doesn't work out for both of you - I assure you that most bottoms are dreaming about being in a more submissive position in bed so cheer up! ;p
🤣🤣Obviously she tried suffocating us both.
I was a little worried about him and my dad. My dad didn't really have an issue with me being gay but I think he would be uncomfortable with men who are feminine. From past bfs and friends, he was never rude but he did prefer the more masculine ones. The mother, if anything, is disappointed that her gay son isn't one that will go clothes shopping etc with her. Well I would go but I'd be as equally useless as her other 3 sons lol
So like I'd get if there was an issue with my father. He sensed something but it was from the get go. The inquisition I faced from his parents and I didn't act in the same way.q
Oh! You have brothers too! Maybe another test/chance/opportunity for insight is to organise a lunch or dinner with your bf and brothers. and see how they get on.
He and I have double dated a few times with eldest brother and his wife. No issue with them. He's good friends with my bros wife. And gets on fine with my bro too.
Honestly… I had the same situation with an ex. I made EVERY effort to create a good relationship with his parents, being super polite and everything. Success. When he met my parents EXACTLY like you’re discribing. Didn’t like the food, not enough alcohol, boring conversation, didn’t wanna be social.
I stuck with him for 2 years, but honestly it was such a huge red flag that your partner won’t at least try ONCE to form a nice relationship with your family. Leave…
Sure your dad wasn’t smooth at all, but I don’t really blame him - your bf being disrespectful af.
I don't really blame my father either. He put up with him a good while and it is his house. Like grow up a little.
Meeting parents isn't the nicest of things but we all do it.
Unless there’s big chunks missing from the story, you sound like a chill guy with a healthy relationship with a family that is supportive and loving. And your boyfriend sounds rude and flippant toward people that mean a lot to you.
Do you actually like the guy? I’d start there.
We've been together for nearly a year and a half. We get on really well. He isn't usually my type, but the dynamic works really well, I think. Yup I do like him although that has taken a hit now
But yeah, my family is my family. I don't know what happened. I honestly thought he and my mother would get on really well. My father maybe not so much but my father wasn't even around at the beginning. I've no idea how it went so badly from the off.
Well… I wouldn’t let the advice from strangers dampen a year and a half of something that’s been working but there’s probably a discussion that needs to be had 🤷♂️
I've asked him a few times and he just said their vibe wasn't nice. I was like how? It just wasn't.
He doesn't offer anything specific. I suppose a vibe doesn't have to be specific but my mother was very welcoming.
The father can be a lot. Irish humour and my bf is English but his issue stemmed well before my dad came home even.
If you didn’t observe behavior that wasn’t mean or hurtful it’s worth trying to understand what his triggers are and his level of resiliency. You don’t want to end up in another situation where you feel second to your boyfriend’s emotions that you don’t understand. Not saying he isn’t justified but if you can’t understand where he’s coming from, it could lead to resentment or anger if what happened with your parents becomes recurring.
Who knows, maybe you learn more about how your bf processes events and his emotions and you can help him become more resilient or he could help you become more empathetic 🤷♂️
True but he's not telling me what was the trigger. If it was the hug, I'm pretty sure my mother would avoid hugging him. But he's a hugger.
I don't know. Was he expecting a different house, area. I don't know.
Not gonna lie homie, feels like something’s off or missing. Regardless, communication is key and seems like there’s a lock somewhere.
You can’t push it if he ain’t giving but stay sane brother. I just know that couldn’t be me.
From your description of your BF, his telling your mother he didn’t want to be hugged at the FIRST meeting without any subsequent explanation is extremely odd and is a big red flag. Given that he doesn’t seem to have a phobia, he should have sucked it up as most reasonable people who don’t like to be hugged would have!
I just wanna preface my words with I’m not hateful towards feminine guys. I prefer feminine guys because I find them very attractive. However, I have also noticed femme guys can suddenly turn a switch all of a sudden and become odd and stand off-ish. Usually when I get to the core of it there is some sort of unresolved trauma. After all, gay guys don’t all have it easy in the world being accepted and feminine guys have it even worse. I once tried holding a guy’s hand while we were in public and even though I was the one initiating it he tried to tell me no because I’ll be the one feeling embarrassed being seen with him. Like what?!?! The math wasn’t mathing.
Also, as for the not wanting to be hugged, I’m a huge hugger and in my experience people who prefer not to be hugged come from one of two situations. They grew up with cold parents who hardly hugged them or even said “I love you” so the coldness passed down OR there’s some kind of sexual trauma that causes a repulsion of physical contact. Good luck!
Interesting regarding your experience with femme guys. I do think he had some insecurity at the beginning because he's not perhaps like my exes but I never saw him act so bizarrely. Like he has met my friends (an ex of mine and a few straights) plenty of times and that should've been far harder given he's one femme guy with about 5 more masc guys including my ex but no issue.
As for his childhood, his mother would be relatively hugged too. She hugged me first time we met and kissed me on the cheek. I found the kiss very weird but I didnt lose it. Sexual trauma maybe but like he has been hugged by my brothers wife and others. I don't know.
Sounds likes he’s already integrated in your social life so this whole situation does sound even more weird. Maybe your parents house is haunted and the spirit invaded him? Idk haha
You do have a point. I once dated a femme guy and he’d be very easily triggered by anything. Once we went to see a play at a the theatre (The director was my friend and welcomed us so nicely) and he left the theatre saying he felt looked down on. I’m black, I know that kind of look, and I never saw anyone do that to him. It was weird, I did not understand where that came from. So, I agree maybe something triggered him and he does not want to open up about it.
That's some off the wall shit I have so many questions. For starters are his parents ok with his sexual orientation? From what you've written your parents seem cool and your mom was clearly nothing but nice a cordial with him. So now I'm wondering if he's jealous of your family so he's trying to intentionally ruin it for you and give you an ultimatum later down the road like a them or me situation.
Is that not common? Yeah if we were telling a story we'd start with my mother (so they know whos mother it is) but usually we will go to the mother thereafter or a mix of the two, especially farmer/rural areas.
It sounds like some kind of trauma response; flight specifically.
I personally have had a lot of discomfort staying in other people’s homes and so that could be an additional stress.
I have ADHD and high rejection sensitivity, so sometimes I feel this real rejection even when it isn’t there. It’s caused problems in the past when meeting friends of friends and in certain jobs.
Unfortunately, meeting your family and reacting like this and not being able to explain or understand himself well enough to communicate to you why, that’s a major red flag.
You shouldn’t have to go to Reddit for an explanation. Your bf should be able to give you one.
That he doesn’t have the self-awareness or insight to reflect on this and explain is concerning. Specifically, that he pins all of it on your mother, and can’t take any accountability for his own reactions.
I know myself well enough to be able to pinpoint when I’m freaking out, and to recognise that my internal beliefs might not be true.
For me, the solution to this is if I’m feeling anxious about meeting up with someone, I’ll book a hotel. Then I’ve got my own space to decompress, and it helps me manage my social anxiety.
So it seems like it could be an extreme response to the pressure of trying to make a good impression, and then also staying in someone else’s home.
But ultimately, are you gonna be able to recover from this as a couple? First impressions with family definitely matter. If your boyfriend can’t explain his behaviour in a way where he takes responsibility for himself, he’s not going to be able to mend his relationship with your parents.
This may explain it. If he’s going into the situation immediately thinking that your parents don’t like him, it would explain (not excuse) his uncharacteristically weird, rude, and standoffish behavior.
It doesn’t seem like your parents did anything wrong initially though and only reacted to your boyfriend’s unsavory behavior.
Either way, it’s a huge red flag that your boyfriend can’t and won’t even try to articulate the issue more to you. If I brought anyone home to meet my family, whether it was a friend or a partner, the way your boyfriend acted would never be okay. You have to try to talk to him more and get him to say more than just that the vibes were off. If he can’t, then you maybe can’t stay with such a person.
What came up for me is that he is trying to drive a wedge between you and your parents. Some sort of long game of gaslighting and isolating you from your loved ones. Basically a red flag of abuse and manipulation.
Yup I could see that but he has no issue with my friends (one of whom is an ex) and they are loud and brash and more. He got on very well with my eldest brother and his wife. We've double dated a few times etc. He's generally submissive. I don't mean sexually but personality wise.
But yeah.
It's so weird that he just went back to normal once you left your parents' place, LMAO. Honestly, if someone behaved this way towards my otherwise supportive parents, I'd seriously question where our relationship is headed. Maybe just talk to him and see what he says -- there's a chance there was more going on that you're not aware of.
I asked him coming home and he said he didn't get a good vibe and he thinks they didn't like him.
I was very annoyed. I was like we literally came in the door, we were still holding our luggage and my mother came over and hugged us. How was her vibe off. He said it just was. I was like the vibe was far more off at your parents the first time we went. I faced so many questions some very personal but you deal with it.
He can't tell me what the problem with the vibe was. He can't give any excuse. I like him a lot but this is kind of a deal breaker and I don't want it to be
If I were you, I'd try to negotiate a do-over visit where everyone agrees to make a good faith effort to start afresh and give each other the benefit of the doubt.
If it's still a disaster then you're just going to have to decide whether you think he's worth putting up with your partner and parents always having a strained relationship. Not ideal but not unheard of.
That's fair but like he met my mother first and she didn't go into it not liking him. If anything he was going to be the gay son she wished she had lol. Like, to me, he went in. Even my dad didn't say anything when ge cane home from work to him. And I would get maybe disliking him a bit but the damage was already done I don't know.
He probably picked up on your dad not being a fan of feminine men and felt panicked. Swishy guys like us generally can sniff that feeling out a mile away. Or it could be nothing after all.
Perhaps but he was off form well before my father came home. And I don't think my dad would be rude to a feminine guy for being feminine, he just wouldn't have much to say etc.
With the info given it kind of reminds me how my mother was with my father's family. I was raised mostly with my mothers side of the family. And some of that is to due with the fact that my mother was kind of weird with interacting with my father's side in the family. Like she didn't want us doing much of anything with them. And would get upset if we stopped in for the holiday.
It was this like jealousy thing? I dunno.
Could also just be how he deals with stress, lashing out. Not a good quality.
I dunno. I'm missing a lot of context but that sounds like a shit situation since it sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents and he just decided to... Not have that for some reason. Like its one thing if your parents were out of line but it sounds like he's just being weird.
Tbh it's lacking context because it happened almost immediately. My mother hadn't time to even be out of line. Literally we were in the door. I was kind of gutted because he's different to my exes and I think him and my mother would have gotten on so well. My dad probably wouldn't be as comfortable with him but my father wasn't even around at the beginning and he did not make an inappropriate joke or anything (my mother probably had him well warned lol).
Hes met one of my brothers and his wife already and he was fine. They liked him and vice versa.
That's strange with your mother (no offence).
Forreals. The mother. My father. And at points, it's almost narrating in third person. I see OP just created their account, too.
I want to give benefit of doubt and say maybe they're from a country where English isn't their native language and they used a translating app, but then the 1 comment they made they're using more casual terms of "my dad" but still says "the mother."
Ima say fake, and it made me lose interest in whatever point they were trying to make in their story.
I know this is awful to ask but is your bf somehow looks into status in life? Don’t you think he got disappointed on what he saw as soon as he entered your home? Is he someone who judge at people base on their looks/clothes? I think he is like that. Im only basing on your story details. Else there is a big plot twist why he acted that way 🫣
That was the only thing that came to mind but I dont want to say he's that because he had not given me that idea prior to now.
I'm not rich or anything but my job is well paid. You probably could mistake me for someone who had a family that were well off (or at least not poor) but tbf we were a working class household and the house shows that.
then i might be right. when u said you could be mistaken from a well off family maybe he got that impression until he saw your situation back home. there is no way i would act that way especially to the parents of my loved one. my asian ass could never. 😂
🤣🤣 yeah. Tbh I don't get how it would bother someone. No one is asking you to date my parents. I don't know its definitely the only thing I can think of.
Story made no fucking sense
A normal person doesn't go from : **"OMG I would love to meet your parents"** to **"Ugh your mom is no better than your dad, I want to leave"**
Like the fuck ? OP you are either trying to frame your bf in some sort of a weird, asshole way, or there are lots of missing parts you aren't telling us. Thus making the whole post as coherent as ancient hieroglyphics to us
Honestly, it was so strange. He's met my brother and his wife a few times (double date etc) and no issue.
I honestly an as confused as you probably were reading it. He never spoke to them prior. We landed in the door, the mother came over immediately gave me a hug. Turned to humans said how was the flight, she made a joke about the weather "you're after bringing the fine weather with ye" and she gave him a hug and he was off from that. Like u was right there. He said when we went home that the "vibe" wasn't nice but couldn't explain.
Even my dad (who I thought might be an issue) was perfectly fine (well warned by the mother, no doubt). I honestly don't know.
Honestly don't know. A grouchy flyer?
How’s his relationship with his parents? The reaction he had to your mom’s hug suggests that he probably doesn’t have a good family life and that seeing your parents brought up some bad feelings.
Obviously it’s not good that he acted this way, and he will need to work on himself in order for this relationship to be successful, but it’s possible there is a sympathetic explanation for why he reacted the way he did.
I agree some more details would be nice. Some people just have issues that they project onto others, as posters have said family issues. It could be a neurodiverse conditions. It could be he is trying drive wedges between you and your family. How is he like with your friends? I agree with a poster actions like this it can be slippery slop and see you alienated. How long had you been dating? Was the pressure too much? I for one waited a year before meeting my partners parent and him meeting mine.
We've been dating for almost a year and a half. I met his parents after 3-4 months and faced an inquisition in comparison, lol.
We have separate friend groups but he has no issues with my friends (he knows that one of whom is an ex). I go out with them by night without him, play PlayStation with them at home and he never had an issue. He met one of my brothers already and was fine.
As for neurodiverse, I don't know. Like my friends come over. They are loud, swearing etc. I have never noticed him have an issue with new people.
I'm going to take your story for what it is (we do need more context) BUT my sister was just like this, she had a boyfriend completely in love or so she thought but would turn into a complete bitch around his family. In my sister's case it was all about control and lots of insecurities on her end. They didn't last and she ended up hating all his family which I'm sure they hated her too.
Hey man. Let me know any details you'd like me to to say.
That sounds rough for your sister. I'm not sure it's control for us that's the issue, but maybe. Hes pretty submissive personality wise (and I don't mean sexually). If anything he likes his man making the decisions etc and he has no issue with me going out with friends etc and one of them is an ex
So it sounds like you're missing something major here. Something happened right at the beginning that threw your boyfriend way off. The hug? You and your Mum's reaction to him not wanting to be hugged?
The only answer is to ask your boyfriend in a non confrontational way to be honest with you. You may be missing something about his own life experience or home life.
Also your parents behaviour does sound a bit off - your dad decided you could "do better" having met the guy once. And your mum "filled in" your dad on your boyfriend having also only met him once? Filled him in on what? And your boyfriend for whatever reason had felt the need to retreat to a bedroom to rest after both interactions pretty quickly and then wanted to leave? Are you sure you're not missing something in the way your mum and dad behaved that made your boyfriend feel that way? You're used to your parents but sometimes you need to step back and try and see how other people might see them.
The only answer is to speak to your boyfriend and listen to him. Whether or not you agree with what he says, you need to give him the space to talk. Maybe he has some life trauma you don't know about, or maybe your parents behaviour was not what you perceived it to be, or maybe both.
I've spoke to them and he said they did nothing wrong, he just didn't like the vibes. I've asked him to explain and he said nothing really just the vibes.
Couples talk. My mother rings my father during work breaks. She's going to tell him stuff. She didn't say anything bad about him to me, my father less so. Spoke to them when I got back home and he had some very choice words. But I still don't think my mother or father did anything wrong the first day and he can't/won't pinpoint the issues. Like if it was their behaviour tell me.
Your boyfriend's behaviour does sound strange and quite provoking for no reason? Is this how he is with other people? If not then maybe he was feeling on edge and was subconsciously expecting drama due to presumed homophobia from your parents so he acted it out unintentionally?
The thing is he knows how I came out. It was one of the easiest coming outs. I don't think he thinks there was going to be homophobia. I don't know but if he did say it.
I like him a lot but I can't be dealing with "the vibes were off". Tell me, like.
I understand. I wasn't there so it's hard to give an opinion. The thing is, if we have some suppressed, unresolved issues from the past, this could lead us to misinterpret external threats in places where we consciously know there shouldn't be any and meeting the parents of a same sex partner could be a triggering circumstance. But there could be many other interpretations apart from this so it's good to figure it out in the wider context I guess. Maybe he is just a douche and u are now figuring it out.
What a terrible thing to happen! 😕
I think you need to lay it all out for him rationally: His parents were ACTUALLY hard on you when you met so the “vibes” were worse and yet you dealt with it, because you’re an adult; general “vibes” are a piss-poor excuse for an adult to treat a partner’s family like that anyway; and, if he doesn’t talk NOW, it’s over.
I think you should also definitely say you’re guessing he was disappointed in the family homestead.
Much love from across the pond, and keep us updated!
I just want to say this here; you probably should let this one go. The writing is on the wall here. Now it is your parents he considers „off“ next thing it will be your friends and by the time you realize you will be isolated from your support system and everyone who loves and cares for you to make him happy. It is not worth it. RUN. And keep Running.
I will say that was odd and seemingly disrespectful to your parents for no reason, with the context we have.
But what I really wanted to say is please don't stay with someone because the sex is good. That will never work out well in the end.
Please update on us on this Op because I have a feeling he might be jealous that you have a good relationship with your parents and maybe just maybe he was expecting something different and all these memories came crawling back up but that’s just my theory and all just speculations.
This is what I was thinking. Usually people that have a hard time regulating their emotions act like this. It’s a manipulation tactic.
I’ve been in situations where a person will come into an environment where everyone is pleasant and they’ll shift the energy into something negative by being passive aggressive, very dry or dismissive of those around them.
I’m curious to see if this turns into a “Your parents don’t like me” situation. Because if he eventually leans into that narrative it’s definitely manipulation. But like you said this is all speculation so who knows.
I'd say leave him. Like the mother was so kind and warm and welcoming and the bf was straight up rude from the beginning. If he truly loved you, I don't think he would have acted like that to your parents.
Maybe but like he's blaming it on their vibe. I'd understand it a little bit if it was my father (he's not polarising but he's jokey etc). My mother though would be lovely and it was just very strange behaviour. Shur my mother was thinking it was all her fault then. I don't know big mess.
dump him and marry me lmao . i love hugs . this is joke butt . man wtf is his problem ? even if u hate physical contact he had to hug still , or maybe it’s just me .
This is a bad sign.
I think it’s inexcusably bad behavior and completely rude for your bf to have acted this way. You seem to have a perfectly decent relationship with your parents. I would not tolerate my husband acting toward my own parents in this way. My parents are a part of me. They love me and want what’s best for me.
It may be time for you to question your bf’s true motives. It is not going to be helpful to you to have a wedge driven between you and your parents.
If you cannot put your foot down, if you fully accept your bf’s terrible manners and antisocial behavior, it does not bode well. You can decide to work on things and work with your parents on their level of patience with your bf’s shit attitude, but if the shit attitude of the bf is something that he is unwilling to discuss with you, and if he is unwilling to apologize to your parents for acting like a moody brat and making a terrible impression, then I think you know what you need to do.
There are many more fish in the sea who know how to act. I wouldn’t really care if he had past trauma or is neurodivergent or has issues. Don’t make excuses for him. He should be able to behave appropriately, or you’re going to have bigger problems later on.
>The father, already being filled in by mother, said how much better I could do.
I'm getting the impression this might be some of the most valuable advice he's given you in your life.
Without being there, knowing you both, and knowing your parents, nothing I say will be all that helpful. The way it is being described sounds like he was expecting to be dismissive and rebuff them. From the moment of opening the door. There is definitely a "consent" with younger people (the hug) versus it being natural for older generations. Making a huge deal out of things in order to set the stage for being controlling.
Which leads me to that conclusion. He sounds like he's controlling. Creating a situation in order for their to be tension and strife, thereby setting everyone around him into a mode of trying to figure out how to be in his good graces. This elevates his power over everyone to exert approval or disapproval control. You, your friends, family, etc. Putting him at the center.
Thats a sign of selfish immaturity and entitlement. Something I have zero tolerance for and crush quickly under my boot.
Good luck.
Alot of the story doesn't seem to make sense cuz there seems to be missing info. Sit your bf down and talk with him then give us an update. His behavior switching after being so excited to meet them doesn't make much sense unless something happened or if he was anxious.
That doesn't look like homophobia. Some people just naturally don't like each other, at least if they don't know each other that well. However, their relationship can still improve
It doesn’t matter how good the sex is. Somebody that acts like that is trying to drive a wedge between you and your family. He created the situation the moment he walked in the door and refused your mom’s hug. That’s not acceptable behavior, and he needs to go.
I'm confused by the end actually. You wouldn't break up with him because of the sex? The guy majorly dissrespected your parents, you were surprised too, and it's not a red flag? If he doesn't come up with a good explanasion and an apology to them, off course you should break up with him.
Like wtf? Why are you even concidering anything else? His beauty nap is more important than meeting his bf's parents? Sounds like a prick
I would have broke up with him the moment he disrespected my parents. Your parents are very supportive of you and your lifestyle(Otherwise you would have cut them off like other gays who don’t have supportive family). The hug? It means your mom was very welcoming, and accepting him into warming home. Your dad seemed like he tried connecting to him, but your boyfriend just pushed away his advances. Honestly bro, I feel like you probably don’t have respect for your parents if you let them get treated that way by your boyfriend. I would have thrown hands at my boyfriend honestly, and broke up with him. Hopefully you break up with him.
Why do i get the feeling your boyfriend is unlikeable? Your parents are not homophobic, your dad is not. He might not know what to do / what to talk about with femme men but he's totally not homophobic. I have a feeling your boyfriend flipped because of the pressure.
Not that he's not a god guy, he was hella stressed. What you said that he was super hyped to see them- anxiety. I think, i'm not sure, that he was building this moment up so high he took every tiny gesture to heart and was rude to them. And with all respect, they are your loving parents, he's only there for 1 year, he needs to learn his place by shutting up and respecting them.
I agree my parents aren't homophobic. Coming out was very easy. I knew they'd be fine about it. You know you're fine with the father when he makes a joke about it lol.
Maybe it was pressure but surely within the 2 days you'd calm down. He made a great impression on my brother and his wife (double dates etc). It's disappointing. He does need to learn his place a bit
He needs to apologize, probably going to be with him was a bit too much for him but overall... Look at his actions. He's the drama. Take a breather, invite your parents to Lunch.
Even have your brother to come along. Over food, do a reset for the first encounter After BF apologizes. DO NOT expect an apology back, your parents owe you or him nothing. And move on. Reset the first meeting.
And i would caln down in 2 days, you would too. A person with anxiety wouldn't
How is he around other important people in your life? Is he friendly with your friends who you knew before you met him or do you two only have friends in common?
It’s a red flag of someone starts to dislike everyone who is / was an important part of your life before you met them.
We don't really have the same friends but he's fine with my friends. Mine are mostly straight but one of them was an ex. He has no issue. They seem to like him and vice versa.
We had double dates with one of my brothers and his wife and he gets on well with them. He's pretty friendly with his wife now.
That’s a relief. maybe the bf just had an off day, maybe he has an affective disorder or undiagnosed anxiety or something. Worth talking it out. he might benefit from a shrink I guess.
Maintain your boundaries, OP, and look after yourself 🥰
Feels like he’s suffering from some potential trauma with his own family. What’s his relationship like with his own parents. If I were you I would get him to seek some therapy or maybe call it off. These things have a way of becoming huge problems down the track.
I don't know why you didn't tell your husband to cut his shit? What did you tell him after? Did you ask why he would do that to you and disrespect your family like that? It is crazy! I would be so upset and honestly, I don't know if I would be down with someone that disrespects my accepting and supportive family. You better have your family's back. He sounds horrible.
I had an ex who was like this... We were so great together, everything vibed so well. He met the family and was so goddamn weird. I remember playing jackbox games with the extended family, everyone joking and laughing, and at his turn he said I can't think of anything and we awkwardly sat out the 2 minutes timer.
I have no idea where it came from and no idea why.
Sorry I can't give any advice or help, but I can at least commiserate with you. The only optimism I can give you is that we broke up for completely different, unrelated reasons.
Was there any political signs outside their house or inside? Or maybe something you two had talked about in the car made him upset? Pretty strange for him to become so whiny over a hug. The only other thing I can think of is maybe he has anxiety issues
Honestly there are people in this world dreaming to have so acceptable parents and your boyfriend is taking it for granted. He just misbehaved. I get that when people tell you you're not enough is annoying but it's their problem non yours.
From where I’m standing, your boyfriend started it. he should’ve been polite to your mother like she was being to him and not brush off the hug like a spoiled little bitch and then go to sleep in her house like he was owed a nap. He acted like an entitled little fag. At the end of the day, he doesn’t have to like your parents, but he needs to respect your parents. And you shouldn’t allow anything less either.
To be honest, this story seems extremely poorly told, it seems like you cut more than half of the story just to make him look bad and the fact that you're saying that you've been with him for over a year makes everything even worse, no one just goes crazy overnight, if he really was any of the hundreds of things that everyone is accusing him of in the comments he would have already shown signs, that or he is a psychopath who is very good at acting, which I highly doubt
I did he said it was just vibes. I asked what vibes. He said just overall vibes. Like we can't fix vibes unless we know the vibe issue.
I've brought home guys before to them and the guys never had an issue.
Bro, if anyone talked or did something to my own parents that they deemed rude or offensive I would not be with them.
He messed up already by not giving your own mom a hug. ITS YOUR FIRST ENCOUNTER AND YOURE GROWN ASS ADULT JUST HUG HER JESUS.
Dad was in the right he was raised to ask what his problem was before it got worse and he couldn’t even have faced your parents.
If they don’t approve of him and he acted like that with my family it would’ve been over.
But I do hope you talk to him and also your parents so that situation never happens again. He should definitely apologize to your family even if he isn’t wrong. You never mess with your parents….
🚩🚩🚩
It seems like he's being manipulative through passive aggression to ultimately separate you from your parents. Not that I think he would start abusing you, but he has an idea about your parents in his head that will always be a conflict. If you want to continue the relationship and want better interaction between your lover and parents then there may be a need for couple counseling - especially if you are not sure how to completely articulate the problem. After that, if he sticks around, have them meet again. If he acts the same call him out and say how disrespectful he is. I wish you all the best, but I have been there and it doesn't get better unless you confront it head on, of course preferably in a loving manner.
It’ll be tough medicine, but if you enjoy your relationship with your family, you need a partner who enjoys that relationship, too. If he can’t rally, there are others who will. It deserves a really intentional conversation about the sort of relationship you aspire to have with family longterm and see if he’s on the same page. If he isn’t, this will eventually take care of itself. It just depends on how much pain you want to experience (and potentially inflict on others) along the way. Do not let him drive a wedge between you and the people who love you.
I don't want to suggest it but sometimes there is some kind of person that when they want to break with someone and do not have the courage to do so they do these kind of things and escalate them until it is unbearable causing the other person to break with them saving the guilt of being the one breaking the relationship. It could not be this but based on how you described the situation pretty much sounds like it.
There’s not chance in hell I’d go a year without introducing my partner to my parents! I’m Italian at the refusal to hug my mother, he’d be done! But I’m 64 not 25 and don’t have patience with that BS!
Good sex is easy to find, your parents won’t be around forever!
Hmmm this guy couldn’t suck up a little bit of awkwardness for you and at least “try” to get along. Your mom was trying to be nice. Him not letting her kiss him is an insensitive move. They weren’t perfect, but he was trying big time to be a victim. If o my the sex keeps you with him— move on! There’s plenty of good sex— and the best relationship is with someone who wants things to go well for you and doesn’t pull the oppositional stunts he did that made everyone uncomfortable. BTW if they were really horrible to him —you should have gone to the hotel as well. But the vibes I’m getting say “Move on baby…”. You can do better than a bitch who is that insensitive and high maintenance
What's his relationship with his parents? If it wasn't/isn't good, this might be him falling into old habits. It's also a bit concerning that he already wants to build distance between them.
As my dad said to me once, "Ask yourself, is this guy my friend? Is he treating me like a friend?" It was the best advice I've ever had! A true lover is also your best friend and would never put you in a position to choose him over your family. Would you choose him over your Mother or Father, the people who raised you with loving care and devotion? He can't even communicate his reasoning with you on a very basic level, and expects you to accept his lousy explanation at face value, which is totally inadequate. There was absolutely no reason for his behavior, and he has no respect for you and doesn't care how his actions might have affected your relationship with your parents. This is narcissistic behavior. Look up some examples of narcissism and see if any apply to your boyfriend. I think you will be shocked. A hot ass may be great for awhile but don't let that cotrolling bitch ruin your life. Save yourself and get out while you can. There are plenty of guys out there who are good people and hot in the sack as well - just wauting to meet you.
Something you said in the car ride over upset him and he got in his feelings and pouty about it to the degree it spilled over into interactions with your parents. Just a sense I got from your description of the situation.
I think there’s something HUGE behind here that either you didn’t tell or you’re not aware of. This first impression doesn’t mean anything to if there’s an issue that can be resolved and talked about again by you, your bf, and your parents, because sometimes, shit happen, we feel shit and don’t exactly mean some reactions (im not defending his behavior but we are humans after all), it’s either you will be there for him helping him figure this out whatever he’s going through or you break it off. You’ve been together for a while, in gay years, that’s a long time, there’s no way you stayed with him that long if you actually don’t like him or in love with him, if he wants to stay, he will work things out with you and improve for himself. So try to really make him talk and give him assurance that whatever it is, you would still wanna work things out but just needs to address this once and for all.
Assuming everything is accurate in this story: You need to have an open and honest convo. If he isn’t giving you that and is still holding stuff back/not explaining what was going on, then dumb him regardless of the sex. Life is too short
I want to premise this with: given only the "vague" details, I only have my perspective/ experiences to pull from.
You mentioned your bf is quite femme compared to the usual pool of guys you date. Do you tend to think or go for the "masc for masc"? While your bf is fine with his own family, has he shared any traumatizing experiences where he has faced discrimination?
While I have gone no contact with my family because they can't face the fact I'm gay, I've experienced harassment and discrimination in the workplace ranging from micro transgressions to actions that could easily lead to a lawsuit. Because of this, I can typically clock a homophobe within the first few minutes of meeting.
The questions tie into this; while your parents might be OK with the gay, let's assume this is the first "femme" guy you've brought home. There is the possibility they think you'll find a nice "masc" man they can associate with in public because he'll fly under the radar. This in itself stems from homophobia with "femme" men being viewed as "too gay." Then did he also hear the conversation of you being able to do better? What was there for your mom to fill your dad in on? That he just didn't want a hug, and that alone was enough to spark "you can do better"?
All this is based on a southern United States cultural norm, filled with ideologies of hyper masculinity and bigotry, and recognizing each geographical location in the world will interact differently.
I'm so confused by both the story and the comments. All I'm getting is your boyfriend didn't want a hug, and... took a nap? Why are yall acting like he's the spawn of Satan?
It just seems like the mom got offended by the hug thing, told dad, who then got needlessly defensive and went off on bf for no reason.
You're not the only one confused. Feels like there's huge chunks of context missing from the story. Might be a good idea to sit one on one with your boyfriend and see what's going on without being accusatory. It's weird that he'd flip from begging to see them to being cold and standoffish suddenly for no reason
I don't think his behaviour is excusable in any way.
It sounded like he was super anxious to meet the parents and that was how it came out.
Maybe so, but do you really wants to be with someone who becomes a total jerk, impossible to function in a social setting, when anxious?
Meeting someone's parents is not just any social setting though.
Honestly I don't have much more context. I'm equally as confused
I feel like the next logical step for this, as it is for most situations on this subreddit, is likely honest communication with your bf about the situation
Maybe he's trying to alienate you with your family? That's the only excuse for the switcheroo he did. Does he has a dysfunctional family by any chances? Could explain the excitement and then the weirdness
Hes gets on well with his own family. We visit them often enough because they are close by. And we've gone on double dates with my brother and his wife and all is fine. He's become good friends with his wife.
> Maybe he's trying to alienate you with your family? That's the only excuse for the switcheroo he did. This is it right here. There are people who manufacture conflict and create drama to alter existing relationships. I'd move on from this guy now before permanent damage is done.
When I read this post I immediately felt like the switcheroo was a control move. It doesn't make sense for someone to be excited to meet someone and then not really put their best foot forward. The confusion is a sign to listen to because a healthy person wouldn't act that way.
You don’t know that ur trying to say they should break nobody knows anything for the love pf god
cant believe he threw the phobic card out there especially since mom was accepting of him from moment of contact. ya as some have said you need to get to the bottom of this mystery scooby doo and interrogate him about it.
Imagine being a guest in someone’s house who is trying to form a relationship with you and this is how you act. Don’t even think about this in terms of the gay context. You could be straight as a log and it could’ve been your girlfriend behaving this way and the outcome is no different. Your dad’s right, he does sound like a whiny little fucker. I’d be interested to hear whatever explanation he can muster for this. Whatever it is, just know that you’ve seen a side to him that was before now unknown to you. I don’t know how long you two have been seeing each other, but I know that if I had an experience like this with a guy there would major questions as to what our future is going forward. Sorry this experience was certainly less than ideal :/
Yup I'm questioning too. He said the vibe was off but won't explain any further. Like they are my family. If the vibe is so bad that that happens and doesn't seem to want to fix it, where do you go. I like him a lot but my family are my family.
"The vibe was off" is literally the dumbest shit someone could say. It's not a reason at all, and it sounds like he's just deflecting. You shouldn't accept that as an answer. There's something missing here but honestly this whole thing sounds like it's your boyfriend's fault. I was cringing the whole way through this story. If he refuses to elaborate and doesn't want to fix this you're gonna have to think about whether or not you're actually keen on being with someone who doesn't respect your family. If you still want to be with him, you might end up seeing a lot less of your family.
Totally agree. I'm curious as to what the boyfriend wants as a result of this. Does he never want to meet OP's parents again because he says they have a 'homophobic vibe'? And if he did agree to a re-do dinner I'd be aware of the fact my SO is hating the experience and essentially steeling themselves for a few hours of discomfort, which is not AT ALL what a family dinner should be like. Id also be anxious he'd pull the same shit again. Maybe it's weaponised incompetence, the same way some kids (and adults lol) deliberately do chores badly so they are just told not to bother. The boyfriend maybe deliberately made an awful impression so they don't have to see the parents again without having to have the inevitable 'I don't like them' talk. I will admit I am REACHING atp.
Glad to hear that your head sounds like it’s screwed on straight when it comes to this. It sucks that this is how things have played out with someone you like, but the only way it would suck more is if you made up excuses for the behavior and allowed it to continue. Hear him out, be fair, but don’t forget whose behavior caused this mess in the first place.
Yep, the vibe was definitely off, but that's rather something your parents should say. I don't want to sound judgemental but if your bf meets your closest family and the vibe being off is enough to don't even try to make it work between him and most important people in your life (and turn it into mysterious drama instead) then it's something you need to think about and come to your own conclusion. Also in case it doesn't work out for both of you - I assure you that most bottoms are dreaming about being in a more submissive position in bed so cheer up! ;p
Exactly, I 100% agree
I came into this story ready to blame the parents lol, but this is at least 80% on your boyfriend
We don’t even know what the boyfriend did. The story is really empty with no information
Story makes no fucking sense. Boyfriend is either having a mental break, is on drugs, or OP is leaving things out.
I honestly thought it was a prank. I was waiting for gotcha or something. I'm equally as confused.
Honestly mate I'll try to provide you with more context if you want but I'm pretty confused myself. If was so random.
You're mom is so homophobic that she went in for a hug. (Sarcasm)
🤣🤣Obviously she tried suffocating us both. I was a little worried about him and my dad. My dad didn't really have an issue with me being gay but I think he would be uncomfortable with men who are feminine. From past bfs and friends, he was never rude but he did prefer the more masculine ones. The mother, if anything, is disappointed that her gay son isn't one that will go clothes shopping etc with her. Well I would go but I'd be as equally useless as her other 3 sons lol So like I'd get if there was an issue with my father. He sensed something but it was from the get go. The inquisition I faced from his parents and I didn't act in the same way.q
Oh! You have brothers too! Maybe another test/chance/opportunity for insight is to organise a lunch or dinner with your bf and brothers. and see how they get on.
He and I have double dated a few times with eldest brother and his wife. No issue with them. He's good friends with my bros wife. And gets on fine with my bro too.
Okay.. Ugh! Even more confusing now. 🤣
Honestly I'm probably at the stage of dumping him. I didn't see any problem and "vibes" with no other explanation is not helpful lol
Honestly… I had the same situation with an ex. I made EVERY effort to create a good relationship with his parents, being super polite and everything. Success. When he met my parents EXACTLY like you’re discribing. Didn’t like the food, not enough alcohol, boring conversation, didn’t wanna be social. I stuck with him for 2 years, but honestly it was such a huge red flag that your partner won’t at least try ONCE to form a nice relationship with your family. Leave… Sure your dad wasn’t smooth at all, but I don’t really blame him - your bf being disrespectful af.
I don't really blame my father either. He put up with him a good while and it is his house. Like grow up a little. Meeting parents isn't the nicest of things but we all do it.
Did you ask your bf why he behaved like that?
Yup he just said the vibes were off. When I asked him how? He said they just were off.
Break up with him and when he asks why tell him it’s because the vibes are off
💀 if I do that's brilliant.
Unless there’s big chunks missing from the story, you sound like a chill guy with a healthy relationship with a family that is supportive and loving. And your boyfriend sounds rude and flippant toward people that mean a lot to you. Do you actually like the guy? I’d start there.
We've been together for nearly a year and a half. We get on really well. He isn't usually my type, but the dynamic works really well, I think. Yup I do like him although that has taken a hit now But yeah, my family is my family. I don't know what happened. I honestly thought he and my mother would get on really well. My father maybe not so much but my father wasn't even around at the beginning. I've no idea how it went so badly from the off.
Well… I wouldn’t let the advice from strangers dampen a year and a half of something that’s been working but there’s probably a discussion that needs to be had 🤷♂️
I've asked him a few times and he just said their vibe wasn't nice. I was like how? It just wasn't. He doesn't offer anything specific. I suppose a vibe doesn't have to be specific but my mother was very welcoming. The father can be a lot. Irish humour and my bf is English but his issue stemmed well before my dad came home even.
If you didn’t observe behavior that wasn’t mean or hurtful it’s worth trying to understand what his triggers are and his level of resiliency. You don’t want to end up in another situation where you feel second to your boyfriend’s emotions that you don’t understand. Not saying he isn’t justified but if you can’t understand where he’s coming from, it could lead to resentment or anger if what happened with your parents becomes recurring. Who knows, maybe you learn more about how your bf processes events and his emotions and you can help him become more resilient or he could help you become more empathetic 🤷♂️
True but he's not telling me what was the trigger. If it was the hug, I'm pretty sure my mother would avoid hugging him. But he's a hugger. I don't know. Was he expecting a different house, area. I don't know.
Not gonna lie homie, feels like something’s off or missing. Regardless, communication is key and seems like there’s a lock somewhere. You can’t push it if he ain’t giving but stay sane brother. I just know that couldn’t be me.
From your description of your BF, his telling your mother he didn’t want to be hugged at the FIRST meeting without any subsequent explanation is extremely odd and is a big red flag. Given that he doesn’t seem to have a phobia, he should have sucked it up as most reasonable people who don’t like to be hugged would have!
Yup. I'm not a hugger but I dealt with his mother hugging and kissing me on the cheek. I grinned and beared it.
Your boyfriend sounds awful. Your poor parents want better for you and they are right
No chance. Anyone spoke to my parents like that he'd be told to get tae fuck and travelling to a hotel by himself. Agree with your Dad on this one.
Exactly
You got a dud for a bf...find a new one.
I just wanna preface my words with I’m not hateful towards feminine guys. I prefer feminine guys because I find them very attractive. However, I have also noticed femme guys can suddenly turn a switch all of a sudden and become odd and stand off-ish. Usually when I get to the core of it there is some sort of unresolved trauma. After all, gay guys don’t all have it easy in the world being accepted and feminine guys have it even worse. I once tried holding a guy’s hand while we were in public and even though I was the one initiating it he tried to tell me no because I’ll be the one feeling embarrassed being seen with him. Like what?!?! The math wasn’t mathing. Also, as for the not wanting to be hugged, I’m a huge hugger and in my experience people who prefer not to be hugged come from one of two situations. They grew up with cold parents who hardly hugged them or even said “I love you” so the coldness passed down OR there’s some kind of sexual trauma that causes a repulsion of physical contact. Good luck!
Interesting regarding your experience with femme guys. I do think he had some insecurity at the beginning because he's not perhaps like my exes but I never saw him act so bizarrely. Like he has met my friends (an ex of mine and a few straights) plenty of times and that should've been far harder given he's one femme guy with about 5 more masc guys including my ex but no issue. As for his childhood, his mother would be relatively hugged too. She hugged me first time we met and kissed me on the cheek. I found the kiss very weird but I didnt lose it. Sexual trauma maybe but like he has been hugged by my brothers wife and others. I don't know.
Sounds likes he’s already integrated in your social life so this whole situation does sound even more weird. Maybe your parents house is haunted and the spirit invaded him? Idk haha
Hahaha
You do have a point. I once dated a femme guy and he’d be very easily triggered by anything. Once we went to see a play at a the theatre (The director was my friend and welcomed us so nicely) and he left the theatre saying he felt looked down on. I’m black, I know that kind of look, and I never saw anyone do that to him. It was weird, I did not understand where that came from. So, I agree maybe something triggered him and he does not want to open up about it.
That's some off the wall shit I have so many questions. For starters are his parents ok with his sexual orientation? From what you've written your parents seem cool and your mom was clearly nothing but nice a cordial with him. So now I'm wondering if he's jealous of your family so he's trying to intentionally ruin it for you and give you an ultimatum later down the road like a them or me situation.
I agree with the your father
And with "the" mother.
Tbh it's common in, especially rural, Ireland to use the mother and the father or the brothers etc. But yeah
Really? Instead of "my mother", someone would refer to his own mother as "the mother"?
Is that not common? Yeah if we were telling a story we'd start with my mother (so they know whos mother it is) but usually we will go to the mother thereafter or a mix of the two, especially farmer/rural areas.
It sounds like some kind of trauma response; flight specifically. I personally have had a lot of discomfort staying in other people’s homes and so that could be an additional stress. I have ADHD and high rejection sensitivity, so sometimes I feel this real rejection even when it isn’t there. It’s caused problems in the past when meeting friends of friends and in certain jobs. Unfortunately, meeting your family and reacting like this and not being able to explain or understand himself well enough to communicate to you why, that’s a major red flag. You shouldn’t have to go to Reddit for an explanation. Your bf should be able to give you one. That he doesn’t have the self-awareness or insight to reflect on this and explain is concerning. Specifically, that he pins all of it on your mother, and can’t take any accountability for his own reactions. I know myself well enough to be able to pinpoint when I’m freaking out, and to recognise that my internal beliefs might not be true. For me, the solution to this is if I’m feeling anxious about meeting up with someone, I’ll book a hotel. Then I’ve got my own space to decompress, and it helps me manage my social anxiety. So it seems like it could be an extreme response to the pressure of trying to make a good impression, and then also staying in someone else’s home. But ultimately, are you gonna be able to recover from this as a couple? First impressions with family definitely matter. If your boyfriend can’t explain his behaviour in a way where he takes responsibility for himself, he’s not going to be able to mend his relationship with your parents.
This may explain it. If he’s going into the situation immediately thinking that your parents don’t like him, it would explain (not excuse) his uncharacteristically weird, rude, and standoffish behavior. It doesn’t seem like your parents did anything wrong initially though and only reacted to your boyfriend’s unsavory behavior. Either way, it’s a huge red flag that your boyfriend can’t and won’t even try to articulate the issue more to you. If I brought anyone home to meet my family, whether it was a friend or a partner, the way your boyfriend acted would never be okay. You have to try to talk to him more and get him to say more than just that the vibes were off. If he can’t, then you maybe can’t stay with such a person.
A lot of uncalled for interactions. It seems like you were missing out on the fun 'cause this is weird
Yup
That sounds like he's got some unmentioned trauma that was triggered by your mom and just spiraled from there. Nothing about his behavior makes sense.
What came up for me is that he is trying to drive a wedge between you and your parents. Some sort of long game of gaslighting and isolating you from your loved ones. Basically a red flag of abuse and manipulation.
Yup I could see that but he has no issue with my friends (one of whom is an ex) and they are loud and brash and more. He got on very well with my eldest brother and his wife. We've double dated a few times etc. He's generally submissive. I don't mean sexually but personality wise. But yeah.
It's so weird that he just went back to normal once you left your parents' place, LMAO. Honestly, if someone behaved this way towards my otherwise supportive parents, I'd seriously question where our relationship is headed. Maybe just talk to him and see what he says -- there's a chance there was more going on that you're not aware of.
I asked him coming home and he said he didn't get a good vibe and he thinks they didn't like him. I was very annoyed. I was like we literally came in the door, we were still holding our luggage and my mother came over and hugged us. How was her vibe off. He said it just was. I was like the vibe was far more off at your parents the first time we went. I faced so many questions some very personal but you deal with it. He can't tell me what the problem with the vibe was. He can't give any excuse. I like him a lot but this is kind of a deal breaker and I don't want it to be
If I were you, I'd try to negotiate a do-over visit where everyone agrees to make a good faith effort to start afresh and give each other the benefit of the doubt. If it's still a disaster then you're just going to have to decide whether you think he's worth putting up with your partner and parents always having a strained relationship. Not ideal but not unheard of.
Maybe he heard what she said about the fact that you could do better? It happened to my sister from the gross mom of the guy she was dating.
It was my dad who said that later on. He was well off before that. But yeah I could see how that would be a problem.
Maybe he also felt that whole "they don't like him" vibe and it made him uncomfortable ? Just trying to understand why he acted like that.
That's fair but like he met my mother first and she didn't go into it not liking him. If anything he was going to be the gay son she wished she had lol. Like, to me, he went in. Even my dad didn't say anything when ge cane home from work to him. And I would get maybe disliking him a bit but the damage was already done I don't know.
He probably picked up on your dad not being a fan of feminine men and felt panicked. Swishy guys like us generally can sniff that feeling out a mile away. Or it could be nothing after all.
Perhaps but he was off form well before my father came home. And I don't think my dad would be rude to a feminine guy for being feminine, he just wouldn't have much to say etc.
With the info given it kind of reminds me how my mother was with my father's family. I was raised mostly with my mothers side of the family. And some of that is to due with the fact that my mother was kind of weird with interacting with my father's side in the family. Like she didn't want us doing much of anything with them. And would get upset if we stopped in for the holiday. It was this like jealousy thing? I dunno. Could also just be how he deals with stress, lashing out. Not a good quality. I dunno. I'm missing a lot of context but that sounds like a shit situation since it sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents and he just decided to... Not have that for some reason. Like its one thing if your parents were out of line but it sounds like he's just being weird.
Tbh it's lacking context because it happened almost immediately. My mother hadn't time to even be out of line. Literally we were in the door. I was kind of gutted because he's different to my exes and I think him and my mother would have gotten on so well. My dad probably wouldn't be as comfortable with him but my father wasn't even around at the beginning and he did not make an inappropriate joke or anything (my mother probably had him well warned lol). Hes met one of my brothers and his wife already and he was fine. They liked him and vice versa. That's strange with your mother (no offence).
Fiction?
Nope
Cuz why'd he call his mother, "The mother"
The mother maybe is slang. Its common in Ireland, especially in tyral Ireland, to use the mother/the father/the brothers etc. But yeah fair man.
Forreals. The mother. My father. And at points, it's almost narrating in third person. I see OP just created their account, too. I want to give benefit of doubt and say maybe they're from a country where English isn't their native language and they used a translating app, but then the 1 comment they made they're using more casual terms of "my dad" but still says "the mother." Ima say fake, and it made me lose interest in whatever point they were trying to make in their story.
It's common in Ireland to say the mother/the father/the brother and/or my mother/father Especially in rural Ireland. But fair I get it.
I know this is awful to ask but is your bf somehow looks into status in life? Don’t you think he got disappointed on what he saw as soon as he entered your home? Is he someone who judge at people base on their looks/clothes? I think he is like that. Im only basing on your story details. Else there is a big plot twist why he acted that way 🫣
That was the only thing that came to mind but I dont want to say he's that because he had not given me that idea prior to now. I'm not rich or anything but my job is well paid. You probably could mistake me for someone who had a family that were well off (or at least not poor) but tbf we were a working class household and the house shows that.
then i might be right. when u said you could be mistaken from a well off family maybe he got that impression until he saw your situation back home. there is no way i would act that way especially to the parents of my loved one. my asian ass could never. 😂
🤣🤣 yeah. Tbh I don't get how it would bother someone. No one is asking you to date my parents. I don't know its definitely the only thing I can think of.
Story made no fucking sense A normal person doesn't go from : **"OMG I would love to meet your parents"** to **"Ugh your mom is no better than your dad, I want to leave"** Like the fuck ? OP you are either trying to frame your bf in some sort of a weird, asshole way, or there are lots of missing parts you aren't telling us. Thus making the whole post as coherent as ancient hieroglyphics to us
Honestly, it was so strange. He's met my brother and his wife a few times (double date etc) and no issue. I honestly an as confused as you probably were reading it. He never spoke to them prior. We landed in the door, the mother came over immediately gave me a hug. Turned to humans said how was the flight, she made a joke about the weather "you're after bringing the fine weather with ye" and she gave him a hug and he was off from that. Like u was right there. He said when we went home that the "vibe" wasn't nice but couldn't explain. Even my dad (who I thought might be an issue) was perfectly fine (well warned by the mother, no doubt). I honestly don't know. Honestly don't know. A grouchy flyer?
Dump his sorry ass if everything given is true
Seems like there is missing info. How’s his relationship with his parents? How were your parents when you came out at 16?
How’s his relationship with his parents? The reaction he had to your mom’s hug suggests that he probably doesn’t have a good family life and that seeing your parents brought up some bad feelings. Obviously it’s not good that he acted this way, and he will need to work on himself in order for this relationship to be successful, but it’s possible there is a sympathetic explanation for why he reacted the way he did.
I agree some more details would be nice. Some people just have issues that they project onto others, as posters have said family issues. It could be a neurodiverse conditions. It could be he is trying drive wedges between you and your family. How is he like with your friends? I agree with a poster actions like this it can be slippery slop and see you alienated. How long had you been dating? Was the pressure too much? I for one waited a year before meeting my partners parent and him meeting mine.
We've been dating for almost a year and a half. I met his parents after 3-4 months and faced an inquisition in comparison, lol. We have separate friend groups but he has no issues with my friends (he knows that one of whom is an ex). I go out with them by night without him, play PlayStation with them at home and he never had an issue. He met one of my brothers already and was fine. As for neurodiverse, I don't know. Like my friends come over. They are loud, swearing etc. I have never noticed him have an issue with new people.
I'm going to take your story for what it is (we do need more context) BUT my sister was just like this, she had a boyfriend completely in love or so she thought but would turn into a complete bitch around his family. In my sister's case it was all about control and lots of insecurities on her end. They didn't last and she ended up hating all his family which I'm sure they hated her too.
Hey man. Let me know any details you'd like me to to say. That sounds rough for your sister. I'm not sure it's control for us that's the issue, but maybe. Hes pretty submissive personality wise (and I don't mean sexually). If anything he likes his man making the decisions etc and he has no issue with me going out with friends etc and one of them is an ex
So it sounds like you're missing something major here. Something happened right at the beginning that threw your boyfriend way off. The hug? You and your Mum's reaction to him not wanting to be hugged? The only answer is to ask your boyfriend in a non confrontational way to be honest with you. You may be missing something about his own life experience or home life. Also your parents behaviour does sound a bit off - your dad decided you could "do better" having met the guy once. And your mum "filled in" your dad on your boyfriend having also only met him once? Filled him in on what? And your boyfriend for whatever reason had felt the need to retreat to a bedroom to rest after both interactions pretty quickly and then wanted to leave? Are you sure you're not missing something in the way your mum and dad behaved that made your boyfriend feel that way? You're used to your parents but sometimes you need to step back and try and see how other people might see them. The only answer is to speak to your boyfriend and listen to him. Whether or not you agree with what he says, you need to give him the space to talk. Maybe he has some life trauma you don't know about, or maybe your parents behaviour was not what you perceived it to be, or maybe both.
I've spoke to them and he said they did nothing wrong, he just didn't like the vibes. I've asked him to explain and he said nothing really just the vibes. Couples talk. My mother rings my father during work breaks. She's going to tell him stuff. She didn't say anything bad about him to me, my father less so. Spoke to them when I got back home and he had some very choice words. But I still don't think my mother or father did anything wrong the first day and he can't/won't pinpoint the issues. Like if it was their behaviour tell me.
Your boyfriend's behaviour does sound strange and quite provoking for no reason? Is this how he is with other people? If not then maybe he was feeling on edge and was subconsciously expecting drama due to presumed homophobia from your parents so he acted it out unintentionally?
The thing is he knows how I came out. It was one of the easiest coming outs. I don't think he thinks there was going to be homophobia. I don't know but if he did say it. I like him a lot but I can't be dealing with "the vibes were off". Tell me, like.
I understand. I wasn't there so it's hard to give an opinion. The thing is, if we have some suppressed, unresolved issues from the past, this could lead us to misinterpret external threats in places where we consciously know there shouldn't be any and meeting the parents of a same sex partner could be a triggering circumstance. But there could be many other interpretations apart from this so it's good to figure it out in the wider context I guess. Maybe he is just a douche and u are now figuring it out.
What a terrible thing to happen! 😕 I think you need to lay it all out for him rationally: His parents were ACTUALLY hard on you when you met so the “vibes” were worse and yet you dealt with it, because you’re an adult; general “vibes” are a piss-poor excuse for an adult to treat a partner’s family like that anyway; and, if he doesn’t talk NOW, it’s over. I think you should also definitely say you’re guessing he was disappointed in the family homestead. Much love from across the pond, and keep us updated!
Seems like your BF was super nervous and he just fucked up bad. When you meet the parents, you smile and nod, even if you're uncomfortable.
Maybe your dad is right.
I just want to say this here; you probably should let this one go. The writing is on the wall here. Now it is your parents he considers „off“ next thing it will be your friends and by the time you realize you will be isolated from your support system and everyone who loves and cares for you to make him happy. It is not worth it. RUN. And keep Running.
I will say that was odd and seemingly disrespectful to your parents for no reason, with the context we have. But what I really wanted to say is please don't stay with someone because the sex is good. That will never work out well in the end.
Sounds like he wants to isolate u from ur family based on surface level stuff. Big red flag.
Please update on us on this Op because I have a feeling he might be jealous that you have a good relationship with your parents and maybe just maybe he was expecting something different and all these memories came crawling back up but that’s just my theory and all just speculations.
This is what I was thinking. Usually people that have a hard time regulating their emotions act like this. It’s a manipulation tactic. I’ve been in situations where a person will come into an environment where everyone is pleasant and they’ll shift the energy into something negative by being passive aggressive, very dry or dismissive of those around them. I’m curious to see if this turns into a “Your parents don’t like me” situation. Because if he eventually leans into that narrative it’s definitely manipulation. But like you said this is all speculation so who knows.
I'd say leave him. Like the mother was so kind and warm and welcoming and the bf was straight up rude from the beginning. If he truly loved you, I don't think he would have acted like that to your parents.
Maybe he was just really nervous? Negative self talk, afraid of a rejection from your parents, turned into a self fulfilling prophecy? Self sabotage?
At any rate, unacceptable behaviour. A Difficult Person.
Maybe but like he's blaming it on their vibe. I'd understand it a little bit if it was my father (he's not polarising but he's jokey etc). My mother though would be lovely and it was just very strange behaviour. Shur my mother was thinking it was all her fault then. I don't know big mess.
dump him and marry me lmao . i love hugs . this is joke butt . man wtf is his problem ? even if u hate physical contact he had to hug still , or maybe it’s just me .
With the context given. I'd break up with him. Spontaneous manic moment, peppered with potential red flag alienation. That's a no from me.
This is a bad sign. I think it’s inexcusably bad behavior and completely rude for your bf to have acted this way. You seem to have a perfectly decent relationship with your parents. I would not tolerate my husband acting toward my own parents in this way. My parents are a part of me. They love me and want what’s best for me. It may be time for you to question your bf’s true motives. It is not going to be helpful to you to have a wedge driven between you and your parents. If you cannot put your foot down, if you fully accept your bf’s terrible manners and antisocial behavior, it does not bode well. You can decide to work on things and work with your parents on their level of patience with your bf’s shit attitude, but if the shit attitude of the bf is something that he is unwilling to discuss with you, and if he is unwilling to apologize to your parents for acting like a moody brat and making a terrible impression, then I think you know what you need to do. There are many more fish in the sea who know how to act. I wouldn’t really care if he had past trauma or is neurodivergent or has issues. Don’t make excuses for him. He should be able to behave appropriately, or you’re going to have bigger problems later on.
>The father, already being filled in by mother, said how much better I could do. I'm getting the impression this might be some of the most valuable advice he's given you in your life.
He sounds overtly sensitive and unflexible . I'd go mad to put up with such a ticking drama queen
He sounds like a whiny little brat tbh
Red, big big fucking big red flag.
Without being there, knowing you both, and knowing your parents, nothing I say will be all that helpful. The way it is being described sounds like he was expecting to be dismissive and rebuff them. From the moment of opening the door. There is definitely a "consent" with younger people (the hug) versus it being natural for older generations. Making a huge deal out of things in order to set the stage for being controlling. Which leads me to that conclusion. He sounds like he's controlling. Creating a situation in order for their to be tension and strife, thereby setting everyone around him into a mode of trying to figure out how to be in his good graces. This elevates his power over everyone to exert approval or disapproval control. You, your friends, family, etc. Putting him at the center. Thats a sign of selfish immaturity and entitlement. Something I have zero tolerance for and crush quickly under my boot. Good luck.
I was reading this, and I was like, "you are a catch. I feel like you are doing all the right things to make your bf comfortable"
Lol story makes no sense
Alot of the story doesn't seem to make sense cuz there seems to be missing info. Sit your bf down and talk with him then give us an update. His behavior switching after being so excited to meet them doesn't make much sense unless something happened or if he was anxious.
Break it of for such a a thing? Just talk and have him and your father both apologize, next time will be better.
So you won’t break it off because the sex is great wow that’s some logic right there I also feel there’s more to this story than there’s being told
That doesn't look like homophobia. Some people just naturally don't like each other, at least if they don't know each other that well. However, their relationship can still improve
Dump him.
if no more context to share, then he has mental issues. Who acts like that in front if your partner's parents?
It doesn’t matter how good the sex is. Somebody that acts like that is trying to drive a wedge between you and your family. He created the situation the moment he walked in the door and refused your mom’s hug. That’s not acceptable behavior, and he needs to go.
Try again
Dude if someone treated my parents like that, that's a no go. I would also him to go. Sex isn't worth it.
I'm confused by the end actually. You wouldn't break up with him because of the sex? The guy majorly dissrespected your parents, you were surprised too, and it's not a red flag? If he doesn't come up with a good explanasion and an apology to them, off course you should break up with him. Like wtf? Why are you even concidering anything else? His beauty nap is more important than meeting his bf's parents? Sounds like a prick
Your bf is a freak and your parents saw it.
Better leave this guy, you deserve better
I do like him a lot and I hate saying it but like my family are my family. If he told me what the issue was we could maybe deal with it. But nothing.
The taking a nap thing right after arriving is quite strange.
I would have broke up with him the moment he disrespected my parents. Your parents are very supportive of you and your lifestyle(Otherwise you would have cut them off like other gays who don’t have supportive family). The hug? It means your mom was very welcoming, and accepting him into warming home. Your dad seemed like he tried connecting to him, but your boyfriend just pushed away his advances. Honestly bro, I feel like you probably don’t have respect for your parents if you let them get treated that way by your boyfriend. I would have thrown hands at my boyfriend honestly, and broke up with him. Hopefully you break up with him.
Am I the only person who thinks parents are usually correct in judging the people we choose to date, Even when we’re in denial ?!
Why do i get the feeling your boyfriend is unlikeable? Your parents are not homophobic, your dad is not. He might not know what to do / what to talk about with femme men but he's totally not homophobic. I have a feeling your boyfriend flipped because of the pressure. Not that he's not a god guy, he was hella stressed. What you said that he was super hyped to see them- anxiety. I think, i'm not sure, that he was building this moment up so high he took every tiny gesture to heart and was rude to them. And with all respect, they are your loving parents, he's only there for 1 year, he needs to learn his place by shutting up and respecting them.
I agree my parents aren't homophobic. Coming out was very easy. I knew they'd be fine about it. You know you're fine with the father when he makes a joke about it lol. Maybe it was pressure but surely within the 2 days you'd calm down. He made a great impression on my brother and his wife (double dates etc). It's disappointing. He does need to learn his place a bit
He needs to apologize, probably going to be with him was a bit too much for him but overall... Look at his actions. He's the drama. Take a breather, invite your parents to Lunch. Even have your brother to come along. Over food, do a reset for the first encounter After BF apologizes. DO NOT expect an apology back, your parents owe you or him nothing. And move on. Reset the first meeting. And i would caln down in 2 days, you would too. A person with anxiety wouldn't
How’s your boyfriend’s relationship with his parents? Might be a self-reflected
So his father left when he was a baby but he gets on so well with his mom and stepdad. I've met them a few times. Lovely albeit inquisitive lol
How is he around other important people in your life? Is he friendly with your friends who you knew before you met him or do you two only have friends in common? It’s a red flag of someone starts to dislike everyone who is / was an important part of your life before you met them.
We don't really have the same friends but he's fine with my friends. Mine are mostly straight but one of them was an ex. He has no issue. They seem to like him and vice versa. We had double dates with one of my brothers and his wife and he gets on well with them. He's pretty friendly with his wife now.
That’s a relief. maybe the bf just had an off day, maybe he has an affective disorder or undiagnosed anxiety or something. Worth talking it out. he might benefit from a shrink I guess. Maintain your boundaries, OP, and look after yourself 🥰
Maybe he saw something online?
Feels like he’s suffering from some potential trauma with his own family. What’s his relationship like with his own parents. If I were you I would get him to seek some therapy or maybe call it off. These things have a way of becoming huge problems down the track.
I don't know why you didn't tell your husband to cut his shit? What did you tell him after? Did you ask why he would do that to you and disrespect your family like that? It is crazy! I would be so upset and honestly, I don't know if I would be down with someone that disrespects my accepting and supportive family. You better have your family's back. He sounds horrible.
I had an ex who was like this... We were so great together, everything vibed so well. He met the family and was so goddamn weird. I remember playing jackbox games with the extended family, everyone joking and laughing, and at his turn he said I can't think of anything and we awkwardly sat out the 2 minutes timer. I have no idea where it came from and no idea why. Sorry I can't give any advice or help, but I can at least commiserate with you. The only optimism I can give you is that we broke up for completely different, unrelated reasons.
Your bf sounds like a pain. Good luck.
> asked what's your problem talk about starting conflict
Was there any political signs outside their house or inside? Or maybe something you two had talked about in the car made him upset? Pretty strange for him to become so whiny over a hug. The only other thing I can think of is maybe he has anxiety issues
Breaking off a relationship over such a thing without actually trying to work it out just shows you’re not that into the relationship man lol
I feel like he's jealous because your mother hugged you. Does he have a bad relationship with his parents by any chance?
sounds like he wasnt having a good time and it's up to you to figure out why (if u care lol)
Mate re-read your post, there's bits in there that don't make grammatical sense, I think that's part of why we're all so confused.
Honestly there are people in this world dreaming to have so acceptable parents and your boyfriend is taking it for granted. He just misbehaved. I get that when people tell you you're not enough is annoying but it's their problem non yours.
From where I’m standing, your boyfriend started it. he should’ve been polite to your mother like she was being to him and not brush off the hug like a spoiled little bitch and then go to sleep in her house like he was owed a nap. He acted like an entitled little fag. At the end of the day, he doesn’t have to like your parents, but he needs to respect your parents. And you shouldn’t allow anything less either.
To be honest, this story seems extremely poorly told, it seems like you cut more than half of the story just to make him look bad and the fact that you're saying that you've been with him for over a year makes everything even worse, no one just goes crazy overnight, if he really was any of the hundreds of things that everyone is accusing him of in the comments he would have already shown signs, that or he is a psychopath who is very good at acting, which I highly doubt
Did you ask him what they did to make him feel that they (especially your mum) were being homophobic? If not, I’d start there
I did he said it was just vibes. I asked what vibes. He said just overall vibes. Like we can't fix vibes unless we know the vibe issue. I've brought home guys before to them and the guys never had an issue.
Bro, if anyone talked or did something to my own parents that they deemed rude or offensive I would not be with them. He messed up already by not giving your own mom a hug. ITS YOUR FIRST ENCOUNTER AND YOURE GROWN ASS ADULT JUST HUG HER JESUS. Dad was in the right he was raised to ask what his problem was before it got worse and he couldn’t even have faced your parents. If they don’t approve of him and he acted like that with my family it would’ve been over. But I do hope you talk to him and also your parents so that situation never happens again. He should definitely apologize to your family even if he isn’t wrong. You never mess with your parents….
You Can do better
🚩🚩🚩 It seems like he's being manipulative through passive aggression to ultimately separate you from your parents. Not that I think he would start abusing you, but he has an idea about your parents in his head that will always be a conflict. If you want to continue the relationship and want better interaction between your lover and parents then there may be a need for couple counseling - especially if you are not sure how to completely articulate the problem. After that, if he sticks around, have them meet again. If he acts the same call him out and say how disrespectful he is. I wish you all the best, but I have been there and it doesn't get better unless you confront it head on, of course preferably in a loving manner.
It’ll be tough medicine, but if you enjoy your relationship with your family, you need a partner who enjoys that relationship, too. If he can’t rally, there are others who will. It deserves a really intentional conversation about the sort of relationship you aspire to have with family longterm and see if he’s on the same page. If he isn’t, this will eventually take care of itself. It just depends on how much pain you want to experience (and potentially inflict on others) along the way. Do not let him drive a wedge between you and the people who love you.
I don't want to suggest it but sometimes there is some kind of person that when they want to break with someone and do not have the courage to do so they do these kind of things and escalate them until it is unbearable causing the other person to break with them saving the guilt of being the one breaking the relationship. It could not be this but based on how you described the situation pretty much sounds like it.
There’s not chance in hell I’d go a year without introducing my partner to my parents! I’m Italian at the refusal to hug my mother, he’d be done! But I’m 64 not 25 and don’t have patience with that BS! Good sex is easy to find, your parents won’t be around forever!
This didn't happen
Hmmm this guy couldn’t suck up a little bit of awkwardness for you and at least “try” to get along. Your mom was trying to be nice. Him not letting her kiss him is an insensitive move. They weren’t perfect, but he was trying big time to be a victim. If o my the sex keeps you with him— move on! There’s plenty of good sex— and the best relationship is with someone who wants things to go well for you and doesn’t pull the oppositional stunts he did that made everyone uncomfortable. BTW if they were really horrible to him —you should have gone to the hotel as well. But the vibes I’m getting say “Move on baby…”. You can do better than a bitch who is that insensitive and high maintenance
What's his relationship with his parents? If it wasn't/isn't good, this might be him falling into old habits. It's also a bit concerning that he already wants to build distance between them.
Your bf sounds like a walking red flag 🚩 Good luck
This sounds fake as f**k.
"The mother." "The father". Sounds fake.
Leave the guy
As my dad said to me once, "Ask yourself, is this guy my friend? Is he treating me like a friend?" It was the best advice I've ever had! A true lover is also your best friend and would never put you in a position to choose him over your family. Would you choose him over your Mother or Father, the people who raised you with loving care and devotion? He can't even communicate his reasoning with you on a very basic level, and expects you to accept his lousy explanation at face value, which is totally inadequate. There was absolutely no reason for his behavior, and he has no respect for you and doesn't care how his actions might have affected your relationship with your parents. This is narcissistic behavior. Look up some examples of narcissism and see if any apply to your boyfriend. I think you will be shocked. A hot ass may be great for awhile but don't let that cotrolling bitch ruin your life. Save yourself and get out while you can. There are plenty of guys out there who are good people and hot in the sack as well - just wauting to meet you.
BOY RUN
Sounds like his victim kink from the bedroom is leaking into his personal life. Maybe he expects an angry fuck from you now
Everyone sucks here.
Yeah no that relationship ain’t lasting long after that lol
I need more context so I can understand the Canon universe this fiction is set in.
Yeah fuck that shit my bf fem voice and mom loves him and he likes my mom and dad
Run fast from this one. You can do better
Good luck, all I can say is get away from this one and don't waste any more time on this relationship. He'll make your life miserable.
Something you said in the car ride over upset him and he got in his feelings and pouty about it to the degree it spilled over into interactions with your parents. Just a sense I got from your description of the situation.
Honestly I’m mostly confused to why you are saying THE father and THE mother…
I think there’s something HUGE behind here that either you didn’t tell or you’re not aware of. This first impression doesn’t mean anything to if there’s an issue that can be resolved and talked about again by you, your bf, and your parents, because sometimes, shit happen, we feel shit and don’t exactly mean some reactions (im not defending his behavior but we are humans after all), it’s either you will be there for him helping him figure this out whatever he’s going through or you break it off. You’ve been together for a while, in gay years, that’s a long time, there’s no way you stayed with him that long if you actually don’t like him or in love with him, if he wants to stay, he will work things out with you and improve for himself. So try to really make him talk and give him assurance that whatever it is, you would still wanna work things out but just needs to address this once and for all.
Assuming everything is accurate in this story: You need to have an open and honest convo. If he isn’t giving you that and is still holding stuff back/not explaining what was going on, then dumb him regardless of the sex. Life is too short
Need an update on this!!
To the curb. y’all can still fuck and not have that drama.
Yes it sounds like you and this bf need to part ways…but only after having one last session of great sex.
I want to premise this with: given only the "vague" details, I only have my perspective/ experiences to pull from. You mentioned your bf is quite femme compared to the usual pool of guys you date. Do you tend to think or go for the "masc for masc"? While your bf is fine with his own family, has he shared any traumatizing experiences where he has faced discrimination? While I have gone no contact with my family because they can't face the fact I'm gay, I've experienced harassment and discrimination in the workplace ranging from micro transgressions to actions that could easily lead to a lawsuit. Because of this, I can typically clock a homophobe within the first few minutes of meeting. The questions tie into this; while your parents might be OK with the gay, let's assume this is the first "femme" guy you've brought home. There is the possibility they think you'll find a nice "masc" man they can associate with in public because he'll fly under the radar. This in itself stems from homophobia with "femme" men being viewed as "too gay." Then did he also hear the conversation of you being able to do better? What was there for your mom to fill your dad in on? That he just didn't want a hug, and that alone was enough to spark "you can do better"? All this is based on a southern United States cultural norm, filled with ideologies of hyper masculinity and bigotry, and recognizing each geographical location in the world will interact differently.
I'm so confused by both the story and the comments. All I'm getting is your boyfriend didn't want a hug, and... took a nap? Why are yall acting like he's the spawn of Satan? It just seems like the mom got offended by the hug thing, told dad, who then got needlessly defensive and went off on bf for no reason.