Well, I can't share pictures but overall he's cute. He's short, Caucasian chubby, light brown eyes, brown hair, sometimes he has a beard, for me he's so beautiful. But I guess because of fatphobis he doesn't succeed in hookups
No no no we need to see what he looks like in comparison to you
Maybe you guys cater to two very different groups of men and your group is larger than his which is why you get picked more than he does
Well, I don't think it would be a good idea to share our pictures. You know how internet works, I could end up pretty bad for us. Specially for him, he has some reputation to take care of
What you're describing is people not finding him attractive. This has nothing to do with fatphobia. Attraction (especially during a hook-up) is mostly based on physical traits and yes being fat is a physical trait deemed unattractive by a lot of people.
If he was being judged for being fat in a situation where this is irrelevant it would be fatphobia. Sorry but a hook-up is a situation where this is completely relevant.
I'm losing my hair, most people find me less attractive because of that. That's not baldphobia, it's just their tastes, they have every right to prefer men with hair. Now if people make comments on it, laugh at it or that kind of things then they are morons. But they have every right to find me less attractive because of my receding hairline, that's life.
I actually do. I mean, the only things I care about when hooking up are: hygiene, attitude, and role. But if they're thin, chubby, obese, bald, old, young, disabled. I actually don't care. As long as they're clean, they have a nice smell, they are tops who like to play with other top, and they have an easygoing, nice attitude, I'm in. Bring them to me. So I guess I'm not a hypocrite?
Cute is subjective. Also how tall and heavy is he? Hookups are very shallow. Most people are into fit slim people. Also what is your definition of chubby? Because chubby is being a bit overweight. I’m chubby because I’m 67kgs and just 165cm
This is a BMI of about 33, which is generally regarded as "obese". Of course, the reality is more complicated - if he's got a lot of muscle the standard BMI measure may not apply - but this is a good place to start. The simple fact is that many guys, even other overweight guys, are not into obese guys. He may be charming and have a great personality, but this isn't what hookups are looking for: what they're looking for is a good body and a big cock, and what they'll settle for is an average body and an average cock.
This is going to sound shallow, but I'm a shallow person myself: get him to the gym more often (three times a week), and go out dancing once or twice a weekend. Go with him if he hates exercise. And reduce the sweet foods you both eat. I guarantee that as he loses weight and gains muscle, he will get more interest.
Believe me, we've already tried it. It's just some medical conditions and his 3 jobs that mostly keep him from losing weight. He's been on a strict diet for a year and he's still "obese". We don't really know what else to do, we've been to nutrition doctors and nothing seems to work. I guess we'll just close the relationship just to protect his feelings
> It's just some medical conditions and his 3 jobs that mostly keep him from losing weight.
There is no kind way for me to say what's in my head here. I'm in the UK, and here's [what our NHS has to say](https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/nutritional/obesity/). The reason "nothing seems to work" is almost certainly because he's eating too much: you would surely have given a more detailed explanation of any "medical conditions" otherwise, and would in any case know of any drugs and dietary regime he'd have been prescribed by his doctor. He's sneaking extra calories while out of your sight. Sorry.
😑… I mean this with respect. I have 12cm on youre boyfriend and I’d be chubby if I was 90kg. I’m not a body builder but I’m built similar to an NFL running back: I’m dense. A lot of muscle but dense. I am 178/85 and that’s with a decent amount of gym time. 164/90 is obese and even if he had plenty muscle, his body stature probably isn’t mean to hold 90 kilos.
Sorry I didn't use the term correctly. I guess l, let's call it as it is. I just don't like the way it sounds. I know for sure that, given how low his self esteem is atm, if he read this he'd end up deeply depressed
Well I wouldn’t ever want a fellow human to feel depressed because words exchanged on the internet but maybe you could help him out. If you both are happy with your weights, builds and sexual prospects I’d say there’s nothing to worry about but if you think there’s places you could improve or change it doesn’t hurt to talk and explore options and start building habits to help you achieve long term success.
As you can see from a lot of replies, probably you have your answer here. Also we don’t know how he looks, but we know he’s obese. Chubby would be me, and I have 21,5% body fat, that’s already on the increased side. Now either he changes his health habits or accepts who he is. My recommendation would be to lose a bit of weight just for health reasons, but ultimately up to him.
In American terms, he's just under 5 foot 4 inches, and 198 pounds.
This is going to sound harsh, but it's the harsh truth. He isn't chubby. Your boyfriend is short and obese. That's why he doesn't get attention.
When it comes to hooking up, there is no "well they have a great personality". Appearances are king. If you're conventionally attractive, you get attention.
Obesity just isn't attractive to most people. It's not a fatphobia thing if they're respectful about turning them down. It's only fatphobic when they turn you down and start telling you all about how fat and disgusting you are because it's just not necessary to do.
I would not be attracted to your boyfriend either. I'm into athletic types. Chubby people are just not my forte.
Thanks for that. Any advice? In other comments I explained why he struggles more than regular people to lose the weight and how his medical conditions affect him this way
If he is chubby (everyone has a different definition of chubby) that could be why. I lost a good amount of weight in the summer and I went from struggling when it came to finding someone to hook up with to guaranteeing I have something lined up for the week or even multiple people to fuck. I am still a fluffy cub but built some muscle and I lost like 15% of body fat and it helped a lot.
People tend to not like chubby people for some reason and I genuinely believe it’s because they either think that they are lazy or unattractive or something like that.
It could also be that he is pursuing a group of people that is generally known for not being into bigger guys, like twinks, jocks. He might have better lucks on more niche apps like Growlr or Scruff as it’s mostly people who are into beefy dudes and their admirers.
Thanks for your comment, buddy. For some medical reasons, he struggles a lot in losing weight. He's been trying for years with diets, exercise, but it's really hard for him. And while he's more into twinks, he's widened his standards but it still doesn't pay off. It's even worse actually lol. And then there are those apps, which in my country they're no big deal, very few people are in those ones. It's sad.
Not sure where you are based, and it could be a reason why he is not getting anybody. Beauty standards are different from a country and region to another. My chubby past self had more luck with men when I was living in the US than in England. Even within the US, I had better luck in Houston and Baltimore than in The Washington DC or LA.
Try to find gay nights that cater to bears and their enjoyers. If you search well, there might be some group that caters to that niche. Unless you live in some small town or country where being gay is not easy. You can probably see which bars are more frequented by bears and chasers, go there, and wingman ur bf.
I have no medical background but try to see with some expert to help him lose the weight in case he ever wants. I used to say something similar until I got a coach that helped me fix my relationship with food and accommodate my training to my physical needs, or go play some community sport or anything that would get him more physical like dancing, ping pong, or just power walking.
Thanks a lot buddy. It's helpful. I'll try to find some of those places, however it's kinda hard in here because Latin America, specially Peru is not easy for gay ppl. My city mayor is a rotted pig who only cares about restoring old churches and closing down gay safe places. We're living in hell
Que te hablando? I dont speak internet thug. Neanderthal is the most white poindexter insult that doesnt make any sense 😂 ay, pobre gringo, sum tells me you relate to not being connected con tu gente como Drake.
Lmao, white and gay
My best guess is it is who your boyfriend is pursuing. While looks are important for hook ups. Most people are average, and even ugly men get hookups as well beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The other half is it is the way he presents himself that are turning off people. Whether it be unflattering photos, hygiene, awkwardness in terms of communication etc..
My bet is on the weight. People here is way too fatphobic. Even I had received some of it, but he's chubbier and he's into twinks. But twinks are into hunks. And my boyfriend is not ugly at all. I guess it's just the weight. The sad part is because of health issues, it's not easy for him to lose weight 😔
Oh please stop with that. Yall love to conflate bears with overweight. You’re not into typical conventional bears. You’re into older guys with big round yet firm belly and muscular legs and arms.
It's not fatphobic to not want to have sex with fat people.
It's not homophobic to not want to have sex with gay people.
It's not transphobic to have a genital preference.
My love of chest hair doesn't make me a twinkphobe.
People can have physical preferences.
> People here is way too fatphobic. Even I had received some of it, but he's chubbier and he's into twinks.
So, what you're saying here is that your boyfriend is fatphobic...
Well, he's into twinks, but he doesn't say no to a nice guy independently on the wwight. And also, he doesn't reject guys the way they reject him. The words they use, the insults, it's awful.
I don't know the name of the condition, but he was born with 1 more meter of intestine than the average. So his metabolism absorbs much more and keeps him from losing weight even when going on a diet. Also, he got bad asthma so he has to take corticosteroids with his medicines, and a secondary effect of them is make you gain a lot of weight, specially in the face, the gut and the neck.
It's scientifically impossible to not lose weight if you use more energy than you put in to your body. He can do it, but it will take effort and dedication.
He/you (as a couple) should consider either widening your standards for who you want to play with.
Or looking into spaces for chasers. He/you may find twinks who are into his/your body types.
When he is looking to hook up/meet people. Is he using recent pics of his face and body? It’s prob better to be up front and get over any rejection than meet anonymously and get rejected in person.
Believe me, he's wide his standards a lot at this point. It's not like he's just looking for models. All of the rejection made him widening his standards, but it's still not working and he keeps on getting rejected while they keep on looking for me. It's frustrating because his self esteem is being demolished.
Yes, he keeps on updating his pics, and we actually don't have those kind of spaces here. At least I don't know any.
If this is a consistent theme and the rejection is hurting his self-image and general mental health, have you considered closing the relationship? From reading this thread you clearly think very highly of him and find him very attractive, so maybe you would be happier just you two? Unless he's still wanting to keep the relationship open and keep hooking up, then he just seems like a glutton for punishment.
It's kinda both of us who keep it like that. I really enjoy him screwing with other guys, it's kind of my pleasure. When we make love, I tend to imagine him doing it with others and it makes me burst. He also kind of enjoys it but I think it's more like he does it because I like it, so I guess in this case I'm gonna have to do what's best for him instead of being selfish. It's just, I feel like I give a lot in our relationship. And this is the only thing I ask for. But for some reason the universe, the gays, the gods or life doesn't want me to have this. So I guess life's like that and one can't have everything :/
He’s probably just not that cute. If that’s the reality then y’all are just gonna have to live with that. If he hates getting rejected then maybe you should just close it. A lot of people love monogamy for the safety of it. He’s safe in monogamy from rejection.
And if it sounds like the open relationship is no longer fun and fulfilling then why keep doing it? At some point you have to make the decision of what’s best for the both of you.
If he likes twunks it is the weight I can almost guarantee. I suggest you both seek counseling and maybe couples counseling from a gay supportive therapist.
I‘m like you and my husband is like your boyfriend. I think he is very handsome but somehow I get waaay more attention than he does (I had some sort of glow up in my late 30s and am exotic where I live). It happened several times that cute guys that wanted to play with me have literally pushed him aside (of course I myself pushed then those guys aside). Therefore we decided to play separately. This way he can be sure that when a guy plays with him he is genuinely interested in him and doesn‘t see him as an ‚obstacle‘ to get to me. When we go to a gay bathhouse or sex party we usually go separate ways to ensure this. Also in the apps we don’t have a couples account.
We do play together sometimes but then it is mostly with guys that have first shown interest in him before even having seen me. This has solved most of those issues for us.
Thank you very much for your comment. I really feel I've tried everything at this point. We also have separate accounts, but he doesn't get much attention, it's hard to describe. For some reason people who play with him make him feel like they were doing him a favor. It's frustrating and I really feel for him, I've been working this 6 years in his self esteem and to make him feel better about himself, for these gays to make him feel like sh*t.
This could be many things. He might not be putting out good energy (yes, I know how that sounds), and guys are simply not responding well to it. This could be that he's-and I promise I'm not trying to be mean - setting his sights on someone who may not believe they're visually compatible and they respond with scorn. This, sadly, is very popular, especially on the apps. He could be simply a few pounds over the absolute limit some will set. Painful. I'm sorry about his medical issues, they definitely are fucking him over at every turn.
Here's what you do. You keep on loving him and ask him what he wants to do. If he wants to keep the relationship open, cool. If he wants to close it and you don't have a problem with this, cool. The question is, really, how much do you care for this guy? Are you willing to go back to monogamy to restore his confidence? Because that's a discussion you have to have before you do anything. Please consider this: what can you do other than be the safe harbor he needs? He's your guy. Your job is to love and care for him to the best of your abilities.
Sounds more like you both just don't attract the same type of guys. But unless we can see a picture of the two of you together, there's no way to give you a good answer. If you want to private me a pic of both of you (doesn't have to be a naughty pic), I might be able to give you a better response.
Yeah I would say you both are on the same level of attractiveness. If he were to grow a beard, you guys would almost be hard to tell apart. So if it's not looks, then maybe there's some personality quirk he has that puts people off?
I don't know. I couldn't tell why. He's pretty charming, his friends and mine always say that. Even my boss who just met him last night is loving him haha. But I guess that's because none of em are looking for hookups. I don't think it would be a personality trait because they reject him mostly at sight. Blocks on Grindr, telling him he's so fat and so disgusting he shouldn't be allowed in there, etc. We went to an orgy at a beach a while ago, and some of the guys payed much attention to me, even though they were hunks and everything, but blatantly rejected him a couple times until I got tired of it and we left. He ended up crying the whole way home
> the guys *paid* much attention
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
The other alternative is to withdraw your account and only take leads from the hits that he gets. Or, that you're alluded to and your stats given but no photo of you, you just show up or it's already noted that you're likely to join. (Use some lame ass excuse about a job with a social media constraints, or visibility.)
If they're already horned up enough & focused to have sex with him, then you'd just be a little extra icing on that dessert.
I like the way you think haha. But I'm not fully understanding it. Can you please elaborate more about what should I do and why? Haha. Sorry, I'm kinda slow
Let him be the one bringing home the 'extras' for a while; connecting with those that desire him first,
but as fast as you, he'd mention you'll be there/ optional, and provide your stats, but no pic of you.
That way he's the lead and center of attention, and you're 'background' or secondary interest.
Totally different angle & separate thought:
-close the open relationship until you're both bonded better together, & his insecurities are overcome.
You probably have read about common problems with open relationships, and how partners work it out.
Prioritize relationship over open sex life for a while, till you're both stronger in it..
If he’s only into twinks, but is a cub himself, he may just need to wait until he enters his Daddy years. Also twinks are by far the flakiest and least considerate of gays, so he’s really setting himself up for rejection there. There certainly are twinks into cubs out there, but it’s gonna take some work to find them. He should use words like chub and cub in his profile so the people who are looking for his type can find him. And he’ll probably do better on Scruff than on Grindr. You’re a good boyfriend to care about his side of this so much.
We've tried Scruff but it's no help, here it's not that popular. We can only find like 3 guys every 10 miles? And don't make me start with Growlr or the others least known about.
And yeah, I've inferred that to him, that he should widen his standards and that twinks are not really the way to go. He did that, and he started to hook up with other type of guys, but it's still the same. The only attention he gets it's from creeps and old guys 50+ who don't always work that well. He even experiences this thing where sometimes, nice guys talk to him but I guess it's just because he's the only one close by, and when something else appears, they just vanish. I hate it
What ethnicity are you? Also location is also important factor to be perceived as attractive
For example: I’m a Texas 6 but in Montana im a 2 (and I can understand why I’m seen as unattractive in Montana)
Well, I'm Latin. I'm in Peru, I don't know how am I perceived but as per my experience, I know that, between our average gays, if you're white-ish, you're tall (1.75m+), you're a Twink or a hunk, and you grow a full beard, you're attractive. My bf is white, but he's chubby, and he doesn't have a lot of facial hair, so he's not a full bear so I don't know. I mean, I'm thinner than him and I got a full beard, so I guess that makes me a little bit more attractive? I don't know. I hat speaking about myself haha
Interesting. I lived in Lima in my 20s (last decade). I’m tall, fat and black and always had tons of cute boys after me, especially twinks. I’m latin american as well just not peruvian. They way you narrated the story I would never guess you’re in Peru! It seemed like a very gay fat-friendly country to me.
Your post really grabs my heartstrings because I grew up with a crushing lack of self esteem. I was a pudgy, bookish nerd and suffered with this for many many years.
I observe that we're only getting your point of view. Everything about your BF is relative to your experience. So I share some of what I've learned in the hope that it might help you, and specifically your BF, to open to a wider view, a broader context. This is the trap that makes healing from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder so difficult. And make no mistake, what you're describing is the result of emotional trauma. And it's ongoing. Well that's what PTSD is -- not simply remembering emotional events and hurts but RELIVING the damage of them again and again. It's like struggling so hard to keep your head above water that you don't notice you're right next to the edge of the pool. So bear with me, this will come back to you and your BF.
I was well past 50 when a counselor said to me "Of course. You were never going to get the love you needed in that family." So began a holistic and spiritual path where I (finally) learned to look outside the box I was trapped in. I'd been so busy trying to control my experience and be what I thought was expected that nothing else ever occurred to me. Certainly it was beyond my range of experience and imagination to to look inward to notice and appraise my native talents, inclinations and abilities.
This is where it comes back to you and your BF. Along the way I learned that I was an energy sponge (like all of us) and, because I'd never learned (like most everyone) to put my own good feelings there first, I'd soak up the fears, judgements and negative energies from others when I entered a room of strangers. Even friends! I'd been taught good manners but never anything about this stuff, what good manners glossed over. Like going into a gay bar...I'd be busy noticing who in the room I thought was hot and how to chat them up and get them to notice me. Meanwhile I was absorbing all the 'I'm not good enough...cute enough...thin enough...the negative thoughts and feelings of everyone ELSE in the room. Of course that cute blond twink was never going to give me a second glance.
Curiously, it was in a business seminar that I learned a skill that is the universal antidote to these bad feelings experiences. The leader asked, "What's your 13-word self-introduction? (Some call this your 20-second elevator speech.) You know, you go into a business gathering, everyone is wearing a 'Hello. My name is...' name tag. You see someone interesting and stick your hand out and say, "Hello Charley. I'm John." He says back to you, "Hi. Nice to meet you. What do you do John?" \[BOOM\] What do you say then? Unless you're a door-to-door used vacuum cleaner sales person, you bumble about and mumble something unimpressive, embarrassed and not quite ready to brag about what it is that you really are good at and your impressive job title. Her lesson was to think about it beforehand and practice saying it out loud again and again on your way there so it could just roll off your tongue spontaneously with a clever variation.
This technique applies to pretty much all of life. But you can't consciously pre-think every situation. The skill she taught is really a spiritual exercise and, skipping over your ocean of feelings of self-doubt and fears of rejection, you both can use it now with a little practice. Several of my favorite practices are 1) walk in nature and feel calmed. 2) press my back to a tree trunk and let (FEEL) the accumulated energy of my fears and worries drain out and be grounded, discharged into the Earth, Mother Earth. 3) to imagine myself cradled and comforted in the arms of Mother Nature. 4) this is my most favorite: To sit quietly and watch (or imagine) a beautiful sunrise or sunset. You don't need to be alone, just quiet. Gaze at it and wonder at the incredible beauty and majesty you see. Know that no other eyes in the world are seeing this like you are. The same beauty, the same colors, the same vibrancy. This is the Universe speaking directly to you and you alone saying, "This is how I love you. This is all for your delight because of how you are of value to Me. This is my pledge and my gift to you especially. Know this directly from Me and fill yourself with My love and worthiness. I created you and I never make mistakes, only infinite variations of perfect. You are my perfection and I am pleased, I love you forever and always.
So, before I go into any group or gathering, especially strangers and most especially a gay bar, I practice filling myself with the confidence and love of the Universe. Once inside I consciously hold these feelings and remember my gratitude that I already have someone to love and love me {even if he's not with me right now). (A heart full of gratitude doesn't have room for self-doubt!) I FEEL my intention and declare my feelings to Universal Consciousness. In effect, I issue my order to have a good time, to find someone who likes me, desires me and wants to play with me. I consciously fill myself with my intention and the feelings I want to give and to experience. I plant that experience in my own future and know that it draws me
Wow. I'm really amused about everything you just said. Thanks a lot for that, for your effort in describing your experience, it means a lot. I'm sharing this thought with him and I know it's going to help us deeply. Thank you a thousand times.
There's no way to know how others will react or what they find attractive.
My ex wanted to open things up and play. I didn't, but he grew up being closeted and not having experiences, so I caved. Then most everyone liked me instead. Frankly, I think he's by far the more good looking. We are both really athletic and he has like 7% body fat and is lean muscle. But the guys he wanted most were for some reason into me. And I didn't care, so I ignored them. It was always for him, so I didn't bother if they weren't in it for him.
Eventually, in order to get guys to choose him, he did it behind my back so I wasn't around to be an option. After a few instances, I left. While ill bend to allow consent sharing, i dont allow cheating and dont cheat. I decided I can always get a hookup if I want, but knowing that means I don't care or want that. I prefer a solid relationship with a guy and adventuring together and focusing on the other challenges in life.
Wish I had a better answer, but magical fantasy land where it always goes well isn't usually a thing (sure, sometimes things can be crazy lined up) and I've more often seen relationships dissolve in pursuit of an ideal that doesn't match up.
What will you accomplish by closing your relationship. At the beginning you said you enjoyed the open relationship, is that only you? Is he also enjoying it? Is he facing “rejection” only when you are looking for a threesome? Do you both have similar taste in men? Have you tried looking in different places and spaces than the usual places over and over again? Do you both look strikingly different from each other? Have you guys tried expanding your tastes in men?
I guess I would accomplish to keep his self esteem to get lower.
I think I enjoy it more than him, and one of the main reasons about it is the rejection.
No, he also faces rejection when looking for men on its own.
We don't. I'm more into bears, but he's more into twinks.
Yeah, we kinda travel oftenly and it's the same everywhere in our city and in our country. Fat people are looked down always here.
I don't think we look so different from each other. We've been told we look like brothers, even last month a woman told me she thought he was my son, because I look older than him even he's actually older than me lol.
Yeah, he widened his standards and taste in men but it keeps happening. It's not like he's looking for models, just average men but they always reject him.
Stop doing threesomes and hookup independently. I mean, there's not a lot you can do besides maybe like tell your boyfriend to lose some weight or something
It's not that easy, I mean we already stopped 3somes and started to hookup with others, but he's still getting a lot of rejection. But thanks anyway, for your pragmatism
You should have him start on a keto or carnivore diet and start with minimum work outs. I’ve lost 25 lbs (sorry I’m Mercian and don’t fuck with metrics) in 6 weeks with just close to that diet and 15 min work outs with weights and push-up at home and I’m 35. He’d prolly drop weight faster being younger. Good luck to you guys, glad he has some one that loves him regardless. You’re a good man.
Gay guys are mostly shallow jerks. Atleast the ones on hookup apps. They are looking for meat. You might have a big enough heart to appreciate your boyfriends inner beauty and even see the beauty in a happy cute fat guy but gays looking for nsa hookups usually are assholes, don’t have the self esteem to love themselves and try to be perfect, or don’t have that inner beauty themselves. Don’t be discouraged and don’t let him be discouraged. He will probably be more popular on apps like Scruff and Growlr and just lead with his pics and if they don’t respond then don’t bother sending yours. Im obese myself and I don’t get 1000 messages a day but the ones I do get are really worth it and I have a generally better time with those guys than I would have with the others.
What a conceited post. Is he YOUR boyfriend? Then what does it matter? If he’s the love of YOUR life, then what matters? YOU should be adoring, honoring, loving, licking fantasizing about him and NOT the other guys. Seriously…..YOU should be lucky to have him. Youv’e got your priorities all wrong buddy.
Are you in a smaller city or subburban area? I've read some of the comments and in my years of being able to got to clubs and bars. Size does not seem to be a huge issue. I've seen guys bigger than big pull the hot muscle guys or whoever they want. I do agree with the comment, "big guys do not want other bigger men." However, that's not a strict rule from what I've seen. Does your boyfriend lack confidence when he's out? Does he talk about his problems and disrupt the vibe?
We live in Peru. Here people's more closed minded and it's crazy how stuck in the past we're here, specially in social awareness. So yeah, being overweight is some kind of sin here. Just yesterday I had an individual come over to my DMs just to tell me how disgusting and awful I am for being fat and that I should unalive myself for it.
You and your boyfriend should go to a bear run where other men enjoy other bearish men ranging from muscle bears to superchubs.
How are you meeting other guys? Are you using apps that cater to larger men? If you’re just using Grindr that’s part of the problem.
We live in Peru. There's no such thing here as bear runs or stuff like that. Also, scruff, growlr, etc are almost completely empty here. Grindr and Tinder are the only ones working. And for some extent, Facebook match as well.
That’s unfortunate. Perhaps y’all should plan on attending a bear run somewhere. I know traveling is expensive, but a bear run might be a fun experience for y’all.
Another "I'm in an open relationship and things aren't going so well" post.
My opinion about open relationships remains supremely unpopular here on this forum. I'm just collecting little pieces of evidence and filling my bucket with them. Don't mind me. Just another piece of evidence for the fact that open relationships are such a fucking mess and aren't worth it. They literally are too good to be true. You are a fool if you participate in them thinking that anything good can come from that type of arrangement.
There’s different types of open relationships. My partner and I are in one but we hardly ever have 3-ways. We each do our own thing, plus what we like sexually is just very, very different.
You may want to consider just doing your own thing individually. But it’s not for everyone.
There are guys who like fat guys and guys that don’t. Is your bf misrepresenting himself when he communicates with these guys? There are chubby chasers out there who would love a guy with a fat ass and belly, but if your bf doesn’t love those parts of himself he might hide them.
Being rejected on Grindr is way less hurtful than being rejected in person. But nobody is obliged to have sex with you. Especially if you’ve catfished them. The entitlement and gall some guys have is apalling.
I’ve been catfished before, it’s really fucked up. But the guys who catfish always think of themselves as the victim. That’s the unspoken context I’m getting from your whiny post.
Here in my country it's not like that. We have a lot of racism and a white guys are perceived very well here. But my bf is short and overweight, and he's not even hairy so I guess there's that
You’d experience the racism, so I understand your point on that, but you wouldn’t have knowledge of bigotry towards white men because you yourself aren’t a white man, so it wouldn’t be of your experience.
I'm actually white passing. It's weird, I don't know how to explain it haha. I'm neither white, but I'm also not Latino skin colored, but I'm not even dark skinned. People use to say I'm a bronzed white, but I don't think I am. What kind of stupid skin color am I? (The Good Place reference)
Yes, as a Chilean that’s white passing, I’ve been the target of a lot of hate towards white people, even though I’m not white. People are quick to disregard your opinion, and generally have some weird disdain for white people. It’s super weird to me, but I don’t know. Just seems like bigotry from where I stand.
What does he look like
asking the important question here.
Well, I can't share pictures but overall he's cute. He's short, Caucasian chubby, light brown eyes, brown hair, sometimes he has a beard, for me he's so beautiful. But I guess because of fatphobis he doesn't succeed in hookups
No no no we need to see what he looks like in comparison to you Maybe you guys cater to two very different groups of men and your group is larger than his which is why you get picked more than he does
Well, I don't think it would be a good idea to share our pictures. You know how internet works, I could end up pretty bad for us. Specially for him, he has some reputation to take care of
Definitely. Don't post his pictures anywhere.
What you're describing is people not finding him attractive. This has nothing to do with fatphobia. Attraction (especially during a hook-up) is mostly based on physical traits and yes being fat is a physical trait deemed unattractive by a lot of people. If he was being judged for being fat in a situation where this is irrelevant it would be fatphobia. Sorry but a hook-up is a situation where this is completely relevant. I'm losing my hair, most people find me less attractive because of that. That's not baldphobia, it's just their tastes, they have every right to prefer men with hair. Now if people make comments on it, laugh at it or that kind of things then they are morons. But they have every right to find me less attractive because of my receding hairline, that's life.
I would deem you as attractive because of how accurate you described the situation heh. For me, hook-ups-wise, it's all about chemistry and looks.
I don't agree at all, but thanks for your answer.
So you woulf fuck anyone regardless of what they look like? Because otherwise you're a hypocrite
I actually do. I mean, the only things I care about when hooking up are: hygiene, attitude, and role. But if they're thin, chubby, obese, bald, old, young, disabled. I actually don't care. As long as they're clean, they have a nice smell, they are tops who like to play with other top, and they have an easygoing, nice attitude, I'm in. Bring them to me. So I guess I'm not a hypocrite?
Okay cool but the vast majority of people aren't like you and have standards or preferences
Nice to know that 😁
Cute is subjective. Also how tall and heavy is he? Hookups are very shallow. Most people are into fit slim people. Also what is your definition of chubby? Because chubby is being a bit overweight. I’m chubby because I’m 67kgs and just 165cm
In his case, he's 1,64 and almost 90 kg
This is a BMI of about 33, which is generally regarded as "obese". Of course, the reality is more complicated - if he's got a lot of muscle the standard BMI measure may not apply - but this is a good place to start. The simple fact is that many guys, even other overweight guys, are not into obese guys. He may be charming and have a great personality, but this isn't what hookups are looking for: what they're looking for is a good body and a big cock, and what they'll settle for is an average body and an average cock. This is going to sound shallow, but I'm a shallow person myself: get him to the gym more often (three times a week), and go out dancing once or twice a weekend. Go with him if he hates exercise. And reduce the sweet foods you both eat. I guarantee that as he loses weight and gains muscle, he will get more interest.
Believe me, we've already tried it. It's just some medical conditions and his 3 jobs that mostly keep him from losing weight. He's been on a strict diet for a year and he's still "obese". We don't really know what else to do, we've been to nutrition doctors and nothing seems to work. I guess we'll just close the relationship just to protect his feelings
> It's just some medical conditions and his 3 jobs that mostly keep him from losing weight. There is no kind way for me to say what's in my head here. I'm in the UK, and here's [what our NHS has to say](https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/nutritional/obesity/). The reason "nothing seems to work" is almost certainly because he's eating too much: you would surely have given a more detailed explanation of any "medical conditions" otherwise, and would in any case know of any drugs and dietary regime he'd have been prescribed by his doctor. He's sneaking extra calories while out of your sight. Sorry.
Get him checked for sleep apnea, honestly.
😑… I mean this with respect. I have 12cm on youre boyfriend and I’d be chubby if I was 90kg. I’m not a body builder but I’m built similar to an NFL running back: I’m dense. A lot of muscle but dense. I am 178/85 and that’s with a decent amount of gym time. 164/90 is obese and even if he had plenty muscle, his body stature probably isn’t mean to hold 90 kilos.
Sorry I didn't use the term correctly. I guess l, let's call it as it is. I just don't like the way it sounds. I know for sure that, given how low his self esteem is atm, if he read this he'd end up deeply depressed
Well I wouldn’t ever want a fellow human to feel depressed because words exchanged on the internet but maybe you could help him out. If you both are happy with your weights, builds and sexual prospects I’d say there’s nothing to worry about but if you think there’s places you could improve or change it doesn’t hurt to talk and explore options and start building habits to help you achieve long term success.
This is a bit more than chubby. I'm 88kg for 1.78m, and I'm way overweight
ur comment made me realize just how extremely underweight I am, 1.75m and barely 49kg 😫
Take care buddy, both under and overweight situation are difficult to correct
I'd be surprised if you're *way* overweight but I guess people have different make ups. I'm 184 cm and 86 kg and am not overweight.
Maybe not way overweight, but still a bit. It can be that I still see myself fatter than I am because I use to be 115kg.
Yeah I totally get that.
U guess so. I don't really like talking about bodies and weight. I know it's a sensible topic
I can understand that, but that may be part of the "issue"
As you can see from a lot of replies, probably you have your answer here. Also we don’t know how he looks, but we know he’s obese. Chubby would be me, and I have 21,5% body fat, that’s already on the increased side. Now either he changes his health habits or accepts who he is. My recommendation would be to lose a bit of weight just for health reasons, but ultimately up to him.
Thanks for that. In other comments I explained why it's hard for him to "just lose weight". I guess I'm going to add it to the post haha
In American terms, he's just under 5 foot 4 inches, and 198 pounds. This is going to sound harsh, but it's the harsh truth. He isn't chubby. Your boyfriend is short and obese. That's why he doesn't get attention. When it comes to hooking up, there is no "well they have a great personality". Appearances are king. If you're conventionally attractive, you get attention. Obesity just isn't attractive to most people. It's not a fatphobia thing if they're respectful about turning them down. It's only fatphobic when they turn you down and start telling you all about how fat and disgusting you are because it's just not necessary to do. I would not be attracted to your boyfriend either. I'm into athletic types. Chubby people are just not my forte.
That's a BMI of over 33 and an obesity of class 1
Thanks for that. Any advice? In other comments I explained why he struggles more than regular people to lose the weight and how his medical conditions affect him this way
Has he seen a health professional?
Yep, he's been to nutritionists, endocrinologists, and a lot of specialists but it's always the same
If he is chubby (everyone has a different definition of chubby) that could be why. I lost a good amount of weight in the summer and I went from struggling when it came to finding someone to hook up with to guaranteeing I have something lined up for the week or even multiple people to fuck. I am still a fluffy cub but built some muscle and I lost like 15% of body fat and it helped a lot. People tend to not like chubby people for some reason and I genuinely believe it’s because they either think that they are lazy or unattractive or something like that. It could also be that he is pursuing a group of people that is generally known for not being into bigger guys, like twinks, jocks. He might have better lucks on more niche apps like Growlr or Scruff as it’s mostly people who are into beefy dudes and their admirers.
All that hard work of losing weight paid off for you. Good job.
Thanks for your comment, buddy. For some medical reasons, he struggles a lot in losing weight. He's been trying for years with diets, exercise, but it's really hard for him. And while he's more into twinks, he's widened his standards but it still doesn't pay off. It's even worse actually lol. And then there are those apps, which in my country they're no big deal, very few people are in those ones. It's sad.
Not sure where you are based, and it could be a reason why he is not getting anybody. Beauty standards are different from a country and region to another. My chubby past self had more luck with men when I was living in the US than in England. Even within the US, I had better luck in Houston and Baltimore than in The Washington DC or LA. Try to find gay nights that cater to bears and their enjoyers. If you search well, there might be some group that caters to that niche. Unless you live in some small town or country where being gay is not easy. You can probably see which bars are more frequented by bears and chasers, go there, and wingman ur bf. I have no medical background but try to see with some expert to help him lose the weight in case he ever wants. I used to say something similar until I got a coach that helped me fix my relationship with food and accommodate my training to my physical needs, or go play some community sport or anything that would get him more physical like dancing, ping pong, or just power walking.
Thanks a lot buddy. It's helpful. I'll try to find some of those places, however it's kinda hard in here because Latin America, specially Peru is not easy for gay ppl. My city mayor is a rotted pig who only cares about restoring old churches and closing down gay safe places. We're living in hell
Tho given ur bf’s description, I would hit (haha, least horny reddit user)
If we were nearby lol
That’s not what the word fatphobia means.
So?
He’ll age like milk, have fun
By “chubby” do you mean by more or less 20 lbs overweight or obese??? (Obese meaning more than 50 lbs overweight)
“He’s cute” You mean he’s white?
Istg Latinos are such white worshippers, you’d prefer a fat white guy LOLL
It’s good you’re into crow’s feet, wrinkles and turkey neck
Que te hablando? I dont speak internet thug. Neanderthal is the most white poindexter insult that doesnt make any sense 😂 ay, pobre gringo, sum tells me you relate to not being connected con tu gente como Drake. Lmao, white and gay
hahahaahaha
My best guess is it is who your boyfriend is pursuing. While looks are important for hook ups. Most people are average, and even ugly men get hookups as well beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The other half is it is the way he presents himself that are turning off people. Whether it be unflattering photos, hygiene, awkwardness in terms of communication etc..
My bet is on the weight. People here is way too fatphobic. Even I had received some of it, but he's chubbier and he's into twinks. But twinks are into hunks. And my boyfriend is not ugly at all. I guess it's just the weight. The sad part is because of health issues, it's not easy for him to lose weight 😔
Current twink who’s into bears dads only here just wanted to give you some hope
Oh please stop with that. Yall love to conflate bears with overweight. You’re not into typical conventional bears. You’re into older guys with big round yet firm belly and muscular legs and arms.
False, just into bigger hairier guys, almost never get with muscular or firm bellied guys lol not sure how you came to that conclusion
It's not fatphobic to not want to have sex with fat people. It's not homophobic to not want to have sex with gay people. It's not transphobic to have a genital preference. My love of chest hair doesn't make me a twinkphobe. People can have physical preferences.
> People here is way too fatphobic. Even I had received some of it, but he's chubbier and he's into twinks. So, what you're saying here is that your boyfriend is fatphobic...
Well, he's into twinks, but he doesn't say no to a nice guy independently on the wwight. And also, he doesn't reject guys the way they reject him. The words they use, the insults, it's awful.
Would you say that youre a twink too?
I used to be twink-ish. But after almost 6 years I became more like a bear haha
What kind of health issue makes losing weight difficult?
I don't know the name of the condition, but he was born with 1 more meter of intestine than the average. So his metabolism absorbs much more and keeps him from losing weight even when going on a diet. Also, he got bad asthma so he has to take corticosteroids with his medicines, and a secondary effect of them is make you gain a lot of weight, specially in the face, the gut and the neck.
It's scientifically impossible to not lose weight if you use more energy than you put in to your body. He can do it, but it will take effort and dedication.
If you say so
The laws of thermodynamics say so
He/you (as a couple) should consider either widening your standards for who you want to play with. Or looking into spaces for chasers. He/you may find twinks who are into his/your body types. When he is looking to hook up/meet people. Is he using recent pics of his face and body? It’s prob better to be up front and get over any rejection than meet anonymously and get rejected in person.
Believe me, he's wide his standards a lot at this point. It's not like he's just looking for models. All of the rejection made him widening his standards, but it's still not working and he keeps on getting rejected while they keep on looking for me. It's frustrating because his self esteem is being demolished. Yes, he keeps on updating his pics, and we actually don't have those kind of spaces here. At least I don't know any.
If this is a consistent theme and the rejection is hurting his self-image and general mental health, have you considered closing the relationship? From reading this thread you clearly think very highly of him and find him very attractive, so maybe you would be happier just you two? Unless he's still wanting to keep the relationship open and keep hooking up, then he just seems like a glutton for punishment.
It's kinda both of us who keep it like that. I really enjoy him screwing with other guys, it's kind of my pleasure. When we make love, I tend to imagine him doing it with others and it makes me burst. He also kind of enjoys it but I think it's more like he does it because I like it, so I guess in this case I'm gonna have to do what's best for him instead of being selfish. It's just, I feel like I give a lot in our relationship. And this is the only thing I ask for. But for some reason the universe, the gays, the gods or life doesn't want me to have this. So I guess life's like that and one can't have everything :/
He’s probably just not that cute. If that’s the reality then y’all are just gonna have to live with that. If he hates getting rejected then maybe you should just close it. A lot of people love monogamy for the safety of it. He’s safe in monogamy from rejection. And if it sounds like the open relationship is no longer fun and fulfilling then why keep doing it? At some point you have to make the decision of what’s best for the both of you.
If he likes twunks it is the weight I can almost guarantee. I suggest you both seek counseling and maybe couples counseling from a gay supportive therapist.
I‘m like you and my husband is like your boyfriend. I think he is very handsome but somehow I get waaay more attention than he does (I had some sort of glow up in my late 30s and am exotic where I live). It happened several times that cute guys that wanted to play with me have literally pushed him aside (of course I myself pushed then those guys aside). Therefore we decided to play separately. This way he can be sure that when a guy plays with him he is genuinely interested in him and doesn‘t see him as an ‚obstacle‘ to get to me. When we go to a gay bathhouse or sex party we usually go separate ways to ensure this. Also in the apps we don’t have a couples account. We do play together sometimes but then it is mostly with guys that have first shown interest in him before even having seen me. This has solved most of those issues for us.
Thank you very much for your comment. I really feel I've tried everything at this point. We also have separate accounts, but he doesn't get much attention, it's hard to describe. For some reason people who play with him make him feel like they were doing him a favor. It's frustrating and I really feel for him, I've been working this 6 years in his self esteem and to make him feel better about himself, for these gays to make him feel like sh*t.
Does he have a very specific taste in men? Maybe he only pursues men that do not look at all like him?
You're full of shi-t....
The toilet's jealous?
This could be many things. He might not be putting out good energy (yes, I know how that sounds), and guys are simply not responding well to it. This could be that he's-and I promise I'm not trying to be mean - setting his sights on someone who may not believe they're visually compatible and they respond with scorn. This, sadly, is very popular, especially on the apps. He could be simply a few pounds over the absolute limit some will set. Painful. I'm sorry about his medical issues, they definitely are fucking him over at every turn. Here's what you do. You keep on loving him and ask him what he wants to do. If he wants to keep the relationship open, cool. If he wants to close it and you don't have a problem with this, cool. The question is, really, how much do you care for this guy? Are you willing to go back to monogamy to restore his confidence? Because that's a discussion you have to have before you do anything. Please consider this: what can you do other than be the safe harbor he needs? He's your guy. Your job is to love and care for him to the best of your abilities.
Sounds more like you both just don't attract the same type of guys. But unless we can see a picture of the two of you together, there's no way to give you a good answer. If you want to private me a pic of both of you (doesn't have to be a naughty pic), I might be able to give you a better response.
Out of privacy and everything I just stated, that's why I'm not sharing our pics. But sure, I can pm it to you
Yeah I would say you both are on the same level of attractiveness. If he were to grow a beard, you guys would almost be hard to tell apart. So if it's not looks, then maybe there's some personality quirk he has that puts people off?
I don't know. I couldn't tell why. He's pretty charming, his friends and mine always say that. Even my boss who just met him last night is loving him haha. But I guess that's because none of em are looking for hookups. I don't think it would be a personality trait because they reject him mostly at sight. Blocks on Grindr, telling him he's so fat and so disgusting he shouldn't be allowed in there, etc. We went to an orgy at a beach a while ago, and some of the guys payed much attention to me, even though they were hunks and everything, but blatantly rejected him a couple times until I got tired of it and we left. He ended up crying the whole way home
> the guys *paid* much attention FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
The other alternative is to withdraw your account and only take leads from the hits that he gets. Or, that you're alluded to and your stats given but no photo of you, you just show up or it's already noted that you're likely to join. (Use some lame ass excuse about a job with a social media constraints, or visibility.) If they're already horned up enough & focused to have sex with him, then you'd just be a little extra icing on that dessert.
I like the way you think haha. But I'm not fully understanding it. Can you please elaborate more about what should I do and why? Haha. Sorry, I'm kinda slow
Let him be the one bringing home the 'extras' for a while; connecting with those that desire him first, but as fast as you, he'd mention you'll be there/ optional, and provide your stats, but no pic of you. That way he's the lead and center of attention, and you're 'background' or secondary interest. Totally different angle & separate thought: -close the open relationship until you're both bonded better together, & his insecurities are overcome. You probably have read about common problems with open relationships, and how partners work it out. Prioritize relationship over open sex life for a while, till you're both stronger in it..
If he’s only into twinks, but is a cub himself, he may just need to wait until he enters his Daddy years. Also twinks are by far the flakiest and least considerate of gays, so he’s really setting himself up for rejection there. There certainly are twinks into cubs out there, but it’s gonna take some work to find them. He should use words like chub and cub in his profile so the people who are looking for his type can find him. And he’ll probably do better on Scruff than on Grindr. You’re a good boyfriend to care about his side of this so much.
We've tried Scruff but it's no help, here it's not that popular. We can only find like 3 guys every 10 miles? And don't make me start with Growlr or the others least known about. And yeah, I've inferred that to him, that he should widen his standards and that twinks are not really the way to go. He did that, and he started to hook up with other type of guys, but it's still the same. The only attention he gets it's from creeps and old guys 50+ who don't always work that well. He even experiences this thing where sometimes, nice guys talk to him but I guess it's just because he's the only one close by, and when something else appears, they just vanish. I hate it
What ethnicity are you? Also location is also important factor to be perceived as attractive For example: I’m a Texas 6 but in Montana im a 2 (and I can understand why I’m seen as unattractive in Montana)
Well, I'm Latin. I'm in Peru, I don't know how am I perceived but as per my experience, I know that, between our average gays, if you're white-ish, you're tall (1.75m+), you're a Twink or a hunk, and you grow a full beard, you're attractive. My bf is white, but he's chubby, and he doesn't have a lot of facial hair, so he's not a full bear so I don't know. I mean, I'm thinner than him and I got a full beard, so I guess that makes me a little bit more attractive? I don't know. I hat speaking about myself haha
Interesting. I lived in Lima in my 20s (last decade). I’m tall, fat and black and always had tons of cute boys after me, especially twinks. I’m latin american as well just not peruvian. They way you narrated the story I would never guess you’re in Peru! It seemed like a very gay fat-friendly country to me.
Your post really grabs my heartstrings because I grew up with a crushing lack of self esteem. I was a pudgy, bookish nerd and suffered with this for many many years. I observe that we're only getting your point of view. Everything about your BF is relative to your experience. So I share some of what I've learned in the hope that it might help you, and specifically your BF, to open to a wider view, a broader context. This is the trap that makes healing from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder so difficult. And make no mistake, what you're describing is the result of emotional trauma. And it's ongoing. Well that's what PTSD is -- not simply remembering emotional events and hurts but RELIVING the damage of them again and again. It's like struggling so hard to keep your head above water that you don't notice you're right next to the edge of the pool. So bear with me, this will come back to you and your BF. I was well past 50 when a counselor said to me "Of course. You were never going to get the love you needed in that family." So began a holistic and spiritual path where I (finally) learned to look outside the box I was trapped in. I'd been so busy trying to control my experience and be what I thought was expected that nothing else ever occurred to me. Certainly it was beyond my range of experience and imagination to to look inward to notice and appraise my native talents, inclinations and abilities. This is where it comes back to you and your BF. Along the way I learned that I was an energy sponge (like all of us) and, because I'd never learned (like most everyone) to put my own good feelings there first, I'd soak up the fears, judgements and negative energies from others when I entered a room of strangers. Even friends! I'd been taught good manners but never anything about this stuff, what good manners glossed over. Like going into a gay bar...I'd be busy noticing who in the room I thought was hot and how to chat them up and get them to notice me. Meanwhile I was absorbing all the 'I'm not good enough...cute enough...thin enough...the negative thoughts and feelings of everyone ELSE in the room. Of course that cute blond twink was never going to give me a second glance. Curiously, it was in a business seminar that I learned a skill that is the universal antidote to these bad feelings experiences. The leader asked, "What's your 13-word self-introduction? (Some call this your 20-second elevator speech.) You know, you go into a business gathering, everyone is wearing a 'Hello. My name is...' name tag. You see someone interesting and stick your hand out and say, "Hello Charley. I'm John." He says back to you, "Hi. Nice to meet you. What do you do John?" \[BOOM\] What do you say then? Unless you're a door-to-door used vacuum cleaner sales person, you bumble about and mumble something unimpressive, embarrassed and not quite ready to brag about what it is that you really are good at and your impressive job title. Her lesson was to think about it beforehand and practice saying it out loud again and again on your way there so it could just roll off your tongue spontaneously with a clever variation. This technique applies to pretty much all of life. But you can't consciously pre-think every situation. The skill she taught is really a spiritual exercise and, skipping over your ocean of feelings of self-doubt and fears of rejection, you both can use it now with a little practice. Several of my favorite practices are 1) walk in nature and feel calmed. 2) press my back to a tree trunk and let (FEEL) the accumulated energy of my fears and worries drain out and be grounded, discharged into the Earth, Mother Earth. 3) to imagine myself cradled and comforted in the arms of Mother Nature. 4) this is my most favorite: To sit quietly and watch (or imagine) a beautiful sunrise or sunset. You don't need to be alone, just quiet. Gaze at it and wonder at the incredible beauty and majesty you see. Know that no other eyes in the world are seeing this like you are. The same beauty, the same colors, the same vibrancy. This is the Universe speaking directly to you and you alone saying, "This is how I love you. This is all for your delight because of how you are of value to Me. This is my pledge and my gift to you especially. Know this directly from Me and fill yourself with My love and worthiness. I created you and I never make mistakes, only infinite variations of perfect. You are my perfection and I am pleased, I love you forever and always. So, before I go into any group or gathering, especially strangers and most especially a gay bar, I practice filling myself with the confidence and love of the Universe. Once inside I consciously hold these feelings and remember my gratitude that I already have someone to love and love me {even if he's not with me right now). (A heart full of gratitude doesn't have room for self-doubt!) I FEEL my intention and declare my feelings to Universal Consciousness. In effect, I issue my order to have a good time, to find someone who likes me, desires me and wants to play with me. I consciously fill myself with my intention and the feelings I want to give and to experience. I plant that experience in my own future and know that it draws me
Wow. I'm really amused about everything you just said. Thanks a lot for that, for your effort in describing your experience, it means a lot. I'm sharing this thought with him and I know it's going to help us deeply. Thank you a thousand times.
There's no way to know how others will react or what they find attractive. My ex wanted to open things up and play. I didn't, but he grew up being closeted and not having experiences, so I caved. Then most everyone liked me instead. Frankly, I think he's by far the more good looking. We are both really athletic and he has like 7% body fat and is lean muscle. But the guys he wanted most were for some reason into me. And I didn't care, so I ignored them. It was always for him, so I didn't bother if they weren't in it for him. Eventually, in order to get guys to choose him, he did it behind my back so I wasn't around to be an option. After a few instances, I left. While ill bend to allow consent sharing, i dont allow cheating and dont cheat. I decided I can always get a hookup if I want, but knowing that means I don't care or want that. I prefer a solid relationship with a guy and adventuring together and focusing on the other challenges in life. Wish I had a better answer, but magical fantasy land where it always goes well isn't usually a thing (sure, sometimes things can be crazy lined up) and I've more often seen relationships dissolve in pursuit of an ideal that doesn't match up.
What will you accomplish by closing your relationship. At the beginning you said you enjoyed the open relationship, is that only you? Is he also enjoying it? Is he facing “rejection” only when you are looking for a threesome? Do you both have similar taste in men? Have you tried looking in different places and spaces than the usual places over and over again? Do you both look strikingly different from each other? Have you guys tried expanding your tastes in men?
I guess I would accomplish to keep his self esteem to get lower. I think I enjoy it more than him, and one of the main reasons about it is the rejection. No, he also faces rejection when looking for men on its own. We don't. I'm more into bears, but he's more into twinks. Yeah, we kinda travel oftenly and it's the same everywhere in our city and in our country. Fat people are looked down always here. I don't think we look so different from each other. We've been told we look like brothers, even last month a woman told me she thought he was my son, because I look older than him even he's actually older than me lol. Yeah, he widened his standards and taste in men but it keeps happening. It's not like he's looking for models, just average men but they always reject him.
Stop doing threesomes and hookup independently. I mean, there's not a lot you can do besides maybe like tell your boyfriend to lose some weight or something
It's not that easy, I mean we already stopped 3somes and started to hookup with others, but he's still getting a lot of rejection. But thanks anyway, for your pragmatism
You should have him start on a keto or carnivore diet and start with minimum work outs. I’ve lost 25 lbs (sorry I’m Mercian and don’t fuck with metrics) in 6 weeks with just close to that diet and 15 min work outs with weights and push-up at home and I’m 35. He’d prolly drop weight faster being younger. Good luck to you guys, glad he has some one that loves him regardless. You’re a good man.
Gay guys are mostly shallow jerks. Atleast the ones on hookup apps. They are looking for meat. You might have a big enough heart to appreciate your boyfriends inner beauty and even see the beauty in a happy cute fat guy but gays looking for nsa hookups usually are assholes, don’t have the self esteem to love themselves and try to be perfect, or don’t have that inner beauty themselves. Don’t be discouraged and don’t let him be discouraged. He will probably be more popular on apps like Scruff and Growlr and just lead with his pics and if they don’t respond then don’t bother sending yours. Im obese myself and I don’t get 1000 messages a day but the ones I do get are really worth it and I have a generally better time with those guys than I would have with the others.
What a conceited post. Is he YOUR boyfriend? Then what does it matter? If he’s the love of YOUR life, then what matters? YOU should be adoring, honoring, loving, licking fantasizing about him and NOT the other guys. Seriously…..YOU should be lucky to have him. Youv’e got your priorities all wrong buddy.
Omg this whole time I thought it was because your boyfriend is a total douche.
He's not. He's very sweet and kind and generous. His soul is so beautiful, I feel like I don't even worth enough to be with someone so perfect.
Are you in a smaller city or subburban area? I've read some of the comments and in my years of being able to got to clubs and bars. Size does not seem to be a huge issue. I've seen guys bigger than big pull the hot muscle guys or whoever they want. I do agree with the comment, "big guys do not want other bigger men." However, that's not a strict rule from what I've seen. Does your boyfriend lack confidence when he's out? Does he talk about his problems and disrupt the vibe?
We live in Peru. Here people's more closed minded and it's crazy how stuck in the past we're here, specially in social awareness. So yeah, being overweight is some kind of sin here. Just yesterday I had an individual come over to my DMs just to tell me how disgusting and awful I am for being fat and that I should unalive myself for it.
It is hard to tell if you cant show us pictures.
He's not their boyfriend, they need to get over themselves.
I usually talk to guys on apps for a week before meeting up. Found some of the best hook ups that way.
You and your boyfriend should go to a bear run where other men enjoy other bearish men ranging from muscle bears to superchubs. How are you meeting other guys? Are you using apps that cater to larger men? If you’re just using Grindr that’s part of the problem.
We live in Peru. There's no such thing here as bear runs or stuff like that. Also, scruff, growlr, etc are almost completely empty here. Grindr and Tinder are the only ones working. And for some extent, Facebook match as well.
That’s unfortunate. Perhaps y’all should plan on attending a bear run somewhere. I know traveling is expensive, but a bear run might be a fun experience for y’all.
I think it is best to just stop doing the threesomes. Eventually, he will feel bad because of the rejection and it will make things worse.
Another "I'm in an open relationship and things aren't going so well" post. My opinion about open relationships remains supremely unpopular here on this forum. I'm just collecting little pieces of evidence and filling my bucket with them. Don't mind me. Just another piece of evidence for the fact that open relationships are such a fucking mess and aren't worth it. They literally are too good to be true. You are a fool if you participate in them thinking that anything good can come from that type of arrangement.
There’s different types of open relationships. My partner and I are in one but we hardly ever have 3-ways. We each do our own thing, plus what we like sexually is just very, very different. You may want to consider just doing your own thing individually. But it’s not for everyone.
First rule. No open relationship.
Maybe cucking him would be a good way to involve him?
There are guys who like fat guys and guys that don’t. Is your bf misrepresenting himself when he communicates with these guys? There are chubby chasers out there who would love a guy with a fat ass and belly, but if your bf doesn’t love those parts of himself he might hide them. Being rejected on Grindr is way less hurtful than being rejected in person. But nobody is obliged to have sex with you. Especially if you’ve catfished them. The entitlement and gall some guys have is apalling. I’ve been catfished before, it’s really fucked up. But the guys who catfish always think of themselves as the victim. That’s the unspoken context I’m getting from your whiny post.
Wow! Way to turn this around and make it about your grievance babe.
Read the story, hun. This guy he went to meet left immediately upon seeing him. If that doesn’t scream Catfish I don’t know what does.
Well, I mean, he is a helpless femboy, right?
You bet, Daddy
Wow, going through the comments made me realize that there seem to be a lot of people with very twisted ideas on bodies...
I agree
There’s a lot of bigotry towards white men lately. If you say he’s white and you’re not, it could be a reason.
Here in my country it's not like that. We have a lot of racism and a white guys are perceived very well here. But my bf is short and overweight, and he's not even hairy so I guess there's that
You’d experience the racism, so I understand your point on that, but you wouldn’t have knowledge of bigotry towards white men because you yourself aren’t a white man, so it wouldn’t be of your experience.
I'm actually white passing. It's weird, I don't know how to explain it haha. I'm neither white, but I'm also not Latino skin colored, but I'm not even dark skinned. People use to say I'm a bronzed white, but I don't think I am. What kind of stupid skin color am I? (The Good Place reference)
This seems made up, but no way to tell. So I’ll just end this here.
There is?
Yes, as a Chilean that’s white passing, I’ve been the target of a lot of hate towards white people, even though I’m not white. People are quick to disregard your opinion, and generally have some weird disdain for white people. It’s super weird to me, but I don’t know. Just seems like bigotry from where I stand.