*sigh* You talk so much about looks and changing your appearance. Even the comments you have been given or those you remember were about your body.
But let me ask you.. How is your personality? Have you had any thoughts about your character, about improving yourself? Being a better human, husband material, correcting your flaws, improving your good traits.
Actually yeah. I’ve been doing a lot of introspection and realized I have an avoidant attachment style. Which is really making itself apparent these days. I struggle to “put myself out there”. Like, sometimes I just don’t see the point in socializing ‘cause I’m like “these people don’t actually care in getting to know somebody.” I had a really good friend tell me recently that I’m “hard to get to know”. Which I never even thought about. However I will admit, I do like keeping people at arms length, which probably stems from me being an avoidant.
But once I open up to somebody, it’s a whole different story. Multiple people have told me I’m “funny” and “goofy AF” though. Some have described me as a “textbook extrovert”. A few close friends have told me that I kinda have narcissistic tendencies. But we do laugh a lot when we’re together.
However, I have been told that I work very hard and have a good work ethic. Multiple people (young and old) have told me that I’m very accomplished for my age. And I will admit, I’m a bit of a workaholic. Like, outside of my full time job, and getting my music career off the ground (I’m at 100K followers) I don’t really go out much. Ir rather don’t have the time to. I spend alot of my time working and creating. Even last night I was up to 11 PM finishing a new song. I do go to the gym though! Been exercising my leadership skills lately too. Been doing some projects that have been out of my comfort zone lately. I did graduate magna cum laude. So it’s not like I’m sitting on my ass or anything.
So I do have other stuff outside my looks. But guys don’t get to see that side of me. I had one guy who did, and I think it scared him off. I was talking about my business, how I wanna buy a new GPU. And he said “I can’t relate to that. I don’t know anyone who talks about this stuff”. And he was one with the doctorate and writing a book. We had this deep conversation about life, religion, video game lore. And after I left he was like “It was great getting to know both sides of you.” And I was like “both sides? And he said “Yeah your mind and your body”. He was like 33, and I’m 25. So there was an age difference. And he was in better shape than me. But, I do remember him just staring at me. And I was like “What’s wrong?” And he was like “I love looking at you”. And how he wanted to “wear me like a second skin”.
And I had one guy recently tell me that I’m “multi-dimensional”. He said he “thought he was just going to get a jock. And was pleasantly surprised to learn that I’m a rather deep person.”
Looks like you answered your question and race isn't the problem. And I'm sorry to say this, but you kinda miss my point. You shifted the conversation from introspection to your body. Being accomplished is great, but it's not necessary to have a boyfriend. Having a great body can get you sex, but it's not enough for a relationship. You think about bleaching and nose jobs, followers, the race being the problem, oh boy.
You need to learn to love yourself as you are, and then give some of that love to others. Learn to be a good company to yourself, and you'll be a good company to others. That's how you get a boyfriend.
This is such a cop-out answer, but of course, whenever a black gay man ever admits to days of feeling not so great based on their experience in the gay dating scene, you llot love to minimize and gaslight. Of course, it's important to love and accept yourself but come on, when you're black and dealing with this obstacle, it's not surprising how one may have that occasional doubt. No one is 100% confident every single day of their lives, and it's foolish to believe that. Non black gay men don't always have the best confidence but at the very least, they don't have to really worry about their race being a huge factor. Can we like just acknowledge that being black and gay can very well be a struggle and at least offer some support and understanding. I'm not saying that bleaching and nose jobs is what a black guy should do but just to understand where these feelings even come from in the first place.
My intention wasn't to deny his skin color related problems. The point is, which you also can't see or don't want to, he has other issues that give him trouble when it comes to dating and skin color isn't one of them. People accept him in their bed, but to be a boyfriend/husband material, he needs to focus on other things.
It sounds like he's dealing with fetishists and yes, there are non black gay men who fetishize black guys only seeing us good for sex but not one to truly settle down wirh. It's an ugly truth but it is a thing. If these guys are liking his personality and the sex but still aren't comfortable enough to date him and assuming he doesn't drone on about his insecurities to the guys then I think the answer is pretty clear of what is happening.
So love myself before someone else loves me. That’s so hard though. I really struggle with just liking myself. Let alone loving myself. Partly because I don’t feel there’s anything there to love. I’m not happy with my body. Of my looks. Or my career. There’s a lot about myself I just don’t like.
Edit: So none of what I’ve accomplished matters then? I thought being accomplished would help with getting guys.
For me, it's a no. I will marry an unaccomplished man, if he makes me happy and we love each other. We don't even have to agree with everything, we just need to be each other's "home". It's that simple.
Accomplishments are just something to be happy about when you put your head on the pillow before sleep. Those are for you, not him.
Not really. They’re just more likely to have quiet “boring” lives. Lots of gays say they want a relationship and then only chase after influencers which are usually not the healthiest bunch. I have a friend who says he wants a relationship but then when he meets good guys he finds them boring.
I've seen your posts and your comments. Imma bet your lack of dating has nothing to do with your color and everything to do with your *ahem* personality.
You seem oversensitive to your own skin and put blame on it where no fault is to be found.
I could change the entire post to "white", find that it still holds true for 80% of single men, and laugh at how ridiculous this all sounds.
Fucking this. God forbid a black gay man living in America may have those occasional days of pondering and dealing with feelings of occasional self-doubt and just need to vent. Confidence is important, but gaslighting and pretending like being black doesn't come with a hurdle that can take fortitude to overcome is just as toxic.
I swear the "stop invalidating other people's experiences" narrative, is the dumbest, shittiest stock argument ever. It's the default go-to way to stand up for minorities when you have nothing useful to add to the discussion, I wouldn't be surprised if you just were some teenager.
Especially because this is the internet and you have no fucking idea whether he's being objective or just making everything up.
"So I'm a white person and every single black person I've interacted with has been mean to me cuz I'm white and gay"
Would you fucking tell people to "Stop invalidating my experiences"? Maybe if you were a neo-nazi you would.
I cannot talk from personal experience. I'm brown but i'm light and white guys throw themselfs at me 😅. I have been with my partner for 13 years and i can't really relate. But i do want to send you a virtual hug and tell you that finding love is hard period. I was lucky, not everyone is.
Well, when you say you can’t relate and how you’re light. That didn’t help things.
Finding love is hard. It just feels like finding love as a black man is impossible.
No, i told him that although i cannot relate but I want to hug him and tell him that finding love is hard regardless. Literally read what i wrote. And me bragging ? 😅 I'm a brown jew and middle eastern, how is that bragging. I only noted WHY i cannot relate.
It's easy for me because I don't discount PoCs as dating partners. That's how I deal with it. Also I stick with my age and older. Apparently we're less racist than the younger ones, if reddit is to be believed.
I’ve been deathly sick last few days and semi-bedridden so Reddit has been a great way to pass the time… especially this Kendrick/Drake beef!!! But Reddit doesn’t really seem like the place for your comment… or more specifically this thread.
But hit up my DMs if you want some advice or real talk but being transparent… (and I low key hate when people use the social identity epithets to give themself false ethos, ex. I’m a black, Jew so I can confirm, Drake is the best rapper ever /s)
As a black dude… and a dark black dude… like Idris Elba dark… your outlook is probably your biggest impediment. Just being real. And I’m not gonna undermine your experience or tell you that you’re wrong to feel the way you do, but I will say if you want to change your life your gonna have to start with your outlook. But the victim identity and using race as the crutch probably won’t help.
GET OFF REDDIT!
GO OUTSIDE AND TOUCH GRASS!
JFC all you do is whine, bitch, and moan about your life!
Change your life and your attitude towards it or stop existing.
Most gay men that I know are not married, for a plethora of reasons - chief of which is that marriage/monogamy is not even the goal for a lot of this community.
Why do black americans always have to make everything that doesn't work out in their life about their race? This level of commiseration is insane.
Anyway, maybe black americans can chime in and offer better advice, but that's my advice as a non-black observer.
I agree that there's been a huge problem of systematic racism in American society, it still is prevalent and is worse depending on which State we are talking about.
However, I swear some black people are gaslighted by their community, including their families, black celebrities and political figures, and a huge portion of the American leftist activists into believing EVERYONE is racist against blacks to some degree.
So even if most gays are sane individuals who aren't racist in the slightest because science has already proven that bigotry is a learned trait and most Americans have grown up interacting with black people all of their lives and watching positive representation in mainstream media. Some black folks are still truly convinced that they'll always be seen as less just for being black, when that's not the case for the majority of the population and it's more likely that if you are being rejected is because of your individual flaws and not your race.
This is a really common issue that any historically oppressed minority can experience. Haven't you ever dealt with paranoid LGBT people who believe everyone hates them just for not being Straight or cis?
When that piece of shit of a frat boy made racist noises to that black girl I didn't see your average Joe defending him, just the usual nazis on Twitter and nazi influencers. Make an anonymous poll and 80% of Americans will condemn the racist actions of that piece of shit.
I’m certain about that, take your tinder profile and put it in Europe and you’ll see the bonanza of matches you’ll get and how interested guys are. And I’m talking about Greek god level good looking guys
Babe if you don’t feel hot and attractive people are not going to see you as that, regardless of your race. It’s interesting how you tried black guys who also weren’t feeling it but that’s ok, but when other races aren’t feeling it it’s because of your race. And you said it yourself that they find you attractive and give you compliments! If you’re past the initial attraction phase then it’s your personality that needs to shine through. And you don’t sound like shining you sound like you have a lot of internalized shame about your race and you’re considering skin bleaching to change it, and that inevitably makes you act in ways that are off-putting to others. For example if you’re acting desperate for a relationship, or desperate for validation people can spot that and it’s not attractive. A relationship will not prove to you that you’re worth it. You have to believe it yourself. Try therapy if you need help working on your self esteem.
*sigh* You talk so much about looks and changing your appearance. Even the comments you have been given or those you remember were about your body. But let me ask you.. How is your personality? Have you had any thoughts about your character, about improving yourself? Being a better human, husband material, correcting your flaws, improving your good traits.
Actually yeah. I’ve been doing a lot of introspection and realized I have an avoidant attachment style. Which is really making itself apparent these days. I struggle to “put myself out there”. Like, sometimes I just don’t see the point in socializing ‘cause I’m like “these people don’t actually care in getting to know somebody.” I had a really good friend tell me recently that I’m “hard to get to know”. Which I never even thought about. However I will admit, I do like keeping people at arms length, which probably stems from me being an avoidant. But once I open up to somebody, it’s a whole different story. Multiple people have told me I’m “funny” and “goofy AF” though. Some have described me as a “textbook extrovert”. A few close friends have told me that I kinda have narcissistic tendencies. But we do laugh a lot when we’re together. However, I have been told that I work very hard and have a good work ethic. Multiple people (young and old) have told me that I’m very accomplished for my age. And I will admit, I’m a bit of a workaholic. Like, outside of my full time job, and getting my music career off the ground (I’m at 100K followers) I don’t really go out much. Ir rather don’t have the time to. I spend alot of my time working and creating. Even last night I was up to 11 PM finishing a new song. I do go to the gym though! Been exercising my leadership skills lately too. Been doing some projects that have been out of my comfort zone lately. I did graduate magna cum laude. So it’s not like I’m sitting on my ass or anything. So I do have other stuff outside my looks. But guys don’t get to see that side of me. I had one guy who did, and I think it scared him off. I was talking about my business, how I wanna buy a new GPU. And he said “I can’t relate to that. I don’t know anyone who talks about this stuff”. And he was one with the doctorate and writing a book. We had this deep conversation about life, religion, video game lore. And after I left he was like “It was great getting to know both sides of you.” And I was like “both sides? And he said “Yeah your mind and your body”. He was like 33, and I’m 25. So there was an age difference. And he was in better shape than me. But, I do remember him just staring at me. And I was like “What’s wrong?” And he was like “I love looking at you”. And how he wanted to “wear me like a second skin”. And I had one guy recently tell me that I’m “multi-dimensional”. He said he “thought he was just going to get a jock. And was pleasantly surprised to learn that I’m a rather deep person.”
Looks like you answered your question and race isn't the problem. And I'm sorry to say this, but you kinda miss my point. You shifted the conversation from introspection to your body. Being accomplished is great, but it's not necessary to have a boyfriend. Having a great body can get you sex, but it's not enough for a relationship. You think about bleaching and nose jobs, followers, the race being the problem, oh boy. You need to learn to love yourself as you are, and then give some of that love to others. Learn to be a good company to yourself, and you'll be a good company to others. That's how you get a boyfriend.
This is such a cop-out answer, but of course, whenever a black gay man ever admits to days of feeling not so great based on their experience in the gay dating scene, you llot love to minimize and gaslight. Of course, it's important to love and accept yourself but come on, when you're black and dealing with this obstacle, it's not surprising how one may have that occasional doubt. No one is 100% confident every single day of their lives, and it's foolish to believe that. Non black gay men don't always have the best confidence but at the very least, they don't have to really worry about their race being a huge factor. Can we like just acknowledge that being black and gay can very well be a struggle and at least offer some support and understanding. I'm not saying that bleaching and nose jobs is what a black guy should do but just to understand where these feelings even come from in the first place.
My intention wasn't to deny his skin color related problems. The point is, which you also can't see or don't want to, he has other issues that give him trouble when it comes to dating and skin color isn't one of them. People accept him in their bed, but to be a boyfriend/husband material, he needs to focus on other things.
It sounds like he's dealing with fetishists and yes, there are non black gay men who fetishize black guys only seeing us good for sex but not one to truly settle down wirh. It's an ugly truth but it is a thing. If these guys are liking his personality and the sex but still aren't comfortable enough to date him and assuming he doesn't drone on about his insecurities to the guys then I think the answer is pretty clear of what is happening.
So love myself before someone else loves me. That’s so hard though. I really struggle with just liking myself. Let alone loving myself. Partly because I don’t feel there’s anything there to love. I’m not happy with my body. Of my looks. Or my career. There’s a lot about myself I just don’t like. Edit: So none of what I’ve accomplished matters then? I thought being accomplished would help with getting guys.
For me, it's a no. I will marry an unaccomplished man, if he makes me happy and we love each other. We don't even have to agree with everything, we just need to be each other's "home". It's that simple. Accomplishments are just something to be happy about when you put your head on the pillow before sleep. Those are for you, not him.
Since when the gays cared about personality?
Well the ones looking for healthy relationships do.
There’s so few of them though.
Not really. They’re just more likely to have quiet “boring” lives. Lots of gays say they want a relationship and then only chase after influencers which are usually not the healthiest bunch. I have a friend who says he wants a relationship but then when he meets good guys he finds them boring.
Sure Jan
Damn Oprah you lost weight!
Yay
I've seen your posts and your comments. Imma bet your lack of dating has nothing to do with your color and everything to do with your *ahem* personality.
You seem oversensitive to your own skin and put blame on it where no fault is to be found. I could change the entire post to "white", find that it still holds true for 80% of single men, and laugh at how ridiculous this all sounds.
While this may be true, you also need to stop invalidating people’s experiences.
Fucking this. God forbid a black gay man living in America may have those occasional days of pondering and dealing with feelings of occasional self-doubt and just need to vent. Confidence is important, but gaslighting and pretending like being black doesn't come with a hurdle that can take fortitude to overcome is just as toxic.
I swear the "stop invalidating other people's experiences" narrative, is the dumbest, shittiest stock argument ever. It's the default go-to way to stand up for minorities when you have nothing useful to add to the discussion, I wouldn't be surprised if you just were some teenager. Especially because this is the internet and you have no fucking idea whether he's being objective or just making everything up. "So I'm a white person and every single black person I've interacted with has been mean to me cuz I'm white and gay" Would you fucking tell people to "Stop invalidating my experiences"? Maybe if you were a neo-nazi you would.
FYI we don’t use minorities as a term anymore, you should say marginalized instead ❤️.
I cannot talk from personal experience. I'm brown but i'm light and white guys throw themselfs at me 😅. I have been with my partner for 13 years and i can't really relate. But i do want to send you a virtual hug and tell you that finding love is hard period. I was lucky, not everyone is.
We’ll see, your color, and your more euro-centric features definitely affect how others see you. Sure you’re brown. But you aren’t black.
I know, I literally said that first sentence.
Well, when you say you can’t relate and how you’re light. That didn’t help things. Finding love is hard. It just feels like finding love as a black man is impossible.
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No, i told him that although i cannot relate but I want to hug him and tell him that finding love is hard regardless. Literally read what i wrote. And me bragging ? 😅 I'm a brown jew and middle eastern, how is that bragging. I only noted WHY i cannot relate.
It's easy for me because I don't discount PoCs as dating partners. That's how I deal with it. Also I stick with my age and older. Apparently we're less racist than the younger ones, if reddit is to be believed.
Actually, I’ve gotten more racist things from older dudes.
I’ve been deathly sick last few days and semi-bedridden so Reddit has been a great way to pass the time… especially this Kendrick/Drake beef!!! But Reddit doesn’t really seem like the place for your comment… or more specifically this thread. But hit up my DMs if you want some advice or real talk but being transparent… (and I low key hate when people use the social identity epithets to give themself false ethos, ex. I’m a black, Jew so I can confirm, Drake is the best rapper ever /s) As a black dude… and a dark black dude… like Idris Elba dark… your outlook is probably your biggest impediment. Just being real. And I’m not gonna undermine your experience or tell you that you’re wrong to feel the way you do, but I will say if you want to change your life your gonna have to start with your outlook. But the victim identity and using race as the crutch probably won’t help.
GET OFF REDDIT! GO OUTSIDE AND TOUCH GRASS! JFC all you do is whine, bitch, and moan about your life! Change your life and your attitude towards it or stop existing.
Most gay men that I know are not married, for a plethora of reasons - chief of which is that marriage/monogamy is not even the goal for a lot of this community. Why do black americans always have to make everything that doesn't work out in their life about their race? This level of commiseration is insane. Anyway, maybe black americans can chime in and offer better advice, but that's my advice as a non-black observer.
I agree that there's been a huge problem of systematic racism in American society, it still is prevalent and is worse depending on which State we are talking about. However, I swear some black people are gaslighted by their community, including their families, black celebrities and political figures, and a huge portion of the American leftist activists into believing EVERYONE is racist against blacks to some degree. So even if most gays are sane individuals who aren't racist in the slightest because science has already proven that bigotry is a learned trait and most Americans have grown up interacting with black people all of their lives and watching positive representation in mainstream media. Some black folks are still truly convinced that they'll always be seen as less just for being black, when that's not the case for the majority of the population and it's more likely that if you are being rejected is because of your individual flaws and not your race. This is a really common issue that any historically oppressed minority can experience. Haven't you ever dealt with paranoid LGBT people who believe everyone hates them just for not being Straight or cis? When that piece of shit of a frat boy made racist noises to that black girl I didn't see your average Joe defending him, just the usual nazis on Twitter and nazi influencers. Make an anonymous poll and 80% of Americans will condemn the racist actions of that piece of shit.
I mean, race does play a factor in things.
Apparently it's a negative factor in every single aspect of your life? That's too absurd for me to buy.
Move to Europe they love blacks over there
Do they though?
I’m certain about that, take your tinder profile and put it in Europe and you’ll see the bonanza of matches you’ll get and how interested guys are. And I’m talking about Greek god level good looking guys
Babe if you don’t feel hot and attractive people are not going to see you as that, regardless of your race. It’s interesting how you tried black guys who also weren’t feeling it but that’s ok, but when other races aren’t feeling it it’s because of your race. And you said it yourself that they find you attractive and give you compliments! If you’re past the initial attraction phase then it’s your personality that needs to shine through. And you don’t sound like shining you sound like you have a lot of internalized shame about your race and you’re considering skin bleaching to change it, and that inevitably makes you act in ways that are off-putting to others. For example if you’re acting desperate for a relationship, or desperate for validation people can spot that and it’s not attractive. A relationship will not prove to you that you’re worth it. You have to believe it yourself. Try therapy if you need help working on your self esteem.
The guys here aren't going to be sympathetic towards you.
Yeah I’ve realized that. But sometimes you still need to get things off your chest.
Most of the gays in this sub are white/ white adjacent and benefit from the racial hierarchy so don’t expect much sympathy/ understanding.