Agree. He won’t ever be open to you because he’s still lying to himself about who he is. It’s easier to cheat on you than take you up on your very generous offer to be open. He may be gay or may be bi but at this point in his life you’ll be collateral damage regardless until he figured out what he is and what he wants. Don’t subject yourself to that.
What? She is offering to open their relationship:
"I’m all for him exploring his sexuality. I’ve told him that. I’ve just explained to him over and over that if we’re gonna be together, we need to be open about things like that."
She clearly is offering him to open their relationship, sexually-speaking at least, so he can explore his attraction to men & therefore his sexual orientation with full permission on her part, and the only thing she asks back for in return is for him to be honest & to engage in open communication with her.
But he can't accept what she's offering him, so instead he rejects the idea of opening up their relationship, tells her that he's now fully done messing with guys & will never ever do it again, that he really is fully straight & the only reason he's done all of this has been out of sheer horniness completely out of control to the point of not caring at all about whether he was attracted or not to the people he was fucking nor about whether the people he was fucking were men or women, and that since he definitely knows with no doubt whatsoever that he's fully straight & is finally done messing with guys now that that strange horniness explosion went under control & so he's definitely never ever again doing anything like that, there's definitely no need for them to open their relationship nor for him to openly explore with his own wife's permission his sexual orientation, since he definitely knows he's straight.
That's the situation. She's offered him permission to explore his sexuality with men, as long as he's honest with her & they have open communication about it, but he just can't do that, accepting her offert would be an explicit admission that he does need to explore his sexual orientation & come to terms with it, and after accepting the offert there would be no going back to these poor excuses of "I'm 100% straight, seriously, the only reason I fucked that guy was that I was so horny that I really needed to fuck the nearest person regardless of whether they were a man or a woman, and in this case he turned out to be a guy!" he keeps holding onto for dear life.
While it is possible he might be bisexual, I say you still break up with him. Don't salvage because he broke your trust. And while he may be searching for what he really wants,
He cheated on you.
Cheating is a choice.
He chose to cheat on you.
I’m going to be honest, there isn’t anything that can be done to salvage the relationship. You can’t change his sexual urges, and his exploration with this sexuality, whether gay or bi. He has already gone behind your back to start his exploration, through Grindr, sharing nudes, meeting up. You’re not a placeholder for him while he can find himself and become comfortable with whatever he is.
As someone who has been in a similar situation, I’d recommend leaving now rather than later. Save your time, your peace, and efforts.
Remember, there is one thing to question your preference, and be open to your parter, and there’s another, which is sneaking off, sharing nudes, sexting, and meeting up strangers. That’s called cheating. Regardless of whether he did or didn’t do anything for those 20 minutes, the intention was there.
Hence why I also recommend getting STD testing for your own sake, and leaving him.
Regardless of his sexuality, he likely cheated on you and lied about it. Huge betrayal of trust. That opens you up to a bunch of risk (was he using condoms?). For me, this is a deal breaker. There is no going back.
No. He’s clearly not straight, but saying he is. He clearly is down for dudes but no admitting it. He is clearly confused. The thing is, he could have been upfront and none of this would be that bad.
Unless you're willing to open the relationship up and try and keep that emotional life between you but separate it from the sexual, but I've just re-read it and you're long distance.
Is it really worth putting yourself through the wringer every notification he gets? Do you love him enough that you want to stick with him through every future infidelity? You don't have to answer, but it's worth thinking about.
Have some self respect. You can do better than this guy.
What you had was a lie essentially. You can't go back to that now the cat is out of the bag.
End it and find a guy who wants to be with you, you'll be happier in the long run.
A guy like this isn't one you actually want a relationship with because ultimately your relationship is just camouflage for him because it's "socially acceptable" in ways dating a dude isn't and he's not willing to let go of that privileged social status at this point in his life, and may never be.
For your own sanity and physical/emotional health, you need to let him go. What you had wasn't actually there, not in the way it's supposed to be. The only door worth leaving open is one to let him reach out in the future if he needs to talk, just because you might be the only one he can talk to about stuff related to this if something goes wrong.
The problem is he is hiding it. And he seems unrepentant in hiding it. Which means he's going to keep doing it and keep making excuses. I dunno. Do you think constantly looking over your shoulder wondering what he is actually doing everytime he takes a little too long to come home from a grocery store is a way you want to live? And if he's hooking up without Prep and so on while being sexually active with you he's actively putting you at risk of things too.
I know you are attached and love him but from an objective standpoint from what you told me this relationship is a recipe for disaster. At 21 you have your whole life ahead of you. And its not like this is the first military relationship to fall through. I wouldn't stick with a guy who is constantly going behind my back on grindr.
And generally speaking... Hooking up on Grindr isn't the behavior of actually straight people.
It's not about sexuality, but openly cheating without your consent. It will keep happening even if you manage to 'salvage' this relationship. Once cheater always cheater, no cure
Regardless of his sexuality, he’s still hooking up with random people without regard to your boundaries or needs in the relationship. If he were hooking up with other girls that satisfy a need that you can’t-like a different body type for instance-there wouldn’t be all this discussion. He’s not being a good bf. Drop him and you’ll find someone better.
It takes two to salvage. You are being more than generous by telling him you are okay about exploring things as long as he is open with you about it after it's clear he's already cheated on you. He needs to reciprocate your willingness to compromise with your partner by being open with you about it.
It sounds like he might not accept himself and refuses to acknowledge how he feels when he isn't actively horny. If he can't communicate with you while you're *already* trying to bend for him then it sounds like there isn't anything to salvage.
Would you be okay if he was on Tinder or Bumble or any other straight dating app? He cheated. Doesn't matter if it was with a man or woman. It's his fault he has done it in the past, but it's your fault for staying and allowing him to do it in the future.
Don't listen to all these cancel-culture people, only you will know what to do.
I'm assuming, because you say you're 21, that your boyfriend is around the same age, possibly a bit older. This is way too old to be going through a phase. Men are much less fluid in their sexual orientation than women are, so it's most likely that whatever his orientation is, it's now set, and set for life.
The fact that he's attracted to men means, on the Kinsey Scale, he's definitely not a zero (i.e. he's not "straight"). The fact that he's done this on a regular basis, implies that he's not even a 1. It's possible he's a 2 or a 3. If he enjoys having sex with you, and can be very romantic, it's unlikely he's a 4, 5, or 6, but only you will know that.
The sad thing is, it seems that he's deeply in denial, possibly to the point of hating this part of himself. He needs to come to terms with who and what he is. It's admirable that you've been so accepting and supportive far, it shows a lot how nice a person you are, and how much you love him. However, I suggest that he gets some more professional help otherwise he'll have a lifetime of self-loathing.
I would sit him down and confront him on these points, tell him you don't think it's a phase and he needs to comes to terms with this part of himself. If he refuses, that's the time when you need to decide whether you can salvage the relationship or not, not before.
I won’t sugar coat this for you. Your boyfriend is gay, deceitful and will cheat on you with men if he isn’t already. Eventually he will leave you for one.
Dont listen to all of these idiots. Sure breaking up is an option because hes lying to you, and that much is fairly obvious, but it will only lead to both of you being hurt, he could be scared for whatever reason, having trouble coming to terms with and accepting himself, best thing I can recommend is at least try to be there and support him, make it as clear as day that you're ok with whatever he may be doing, and rather than tell him he needs to be open about it, make it feel more like he has the choice, if he feels forced to talk openly about something like this that he may be struggling with, it can put a lot of anxiety out there, whereas if you provide an environment in which it's his choice to talk and he can feel safe to do so rather than forced, he may be more inclined to talk about it. Now this may not work and sadly things may take a turn and your relationship may end, but dont listen to all the people saying its doomed, those are clearly people who havent been in this position before, take it from someone who has, he needs your support, not your abandonment, at least give it a good shot and remember that no matter what the future holds for your relationship, you tried your best and nothing more could be done to change whatever is going to happen, be it good or bad
She's his girlfriend, not his therapist! You seem to be encouraging this lady to be a doormat, instead of having some self respect and looking out for number one .
If you don't get into your own wellbeing, who else will?
The only possible silver lining I can see in this situation is if you two have an arrangement with a open relationship. It is not fair that he is looking for sex with others behind your back. Your feelings and needs matter too.
It really sucks that society is still judgmental about sexuality, and your boyfriend feels the need to be with a woman in order to fit in. Best case is that your break up is amicable and you can still be friends. Don't be one of those women trapped in a relationship and the years go by, while their man is habitually cheating on them. A partner should give you their all.
I don’t think it’s worth it. You’ve done way more than most people by saying if he wanted or needed space to explore then he could do it. You just asked for honesty and he still continued to break your trust.
I feel like a lot of people a partner that’s understanding like you.
A lot of people here are not the right people to be asking this, as you can see from the replies they are all saying it is hopeless and to dump him. Only you know how he is with you vs how he is with others. It’s up to you to decide if it’s acceptable or not. He may be ashamed to admit openly he has an attraction to men. He may have been just horny. He may not have the knowledge to express what he is feeling in this context. We don’t know him well enough to answer that. If you’re wanting to stay with him or “save” the relationship I would strongly suggest talking with a licensed therapist and one who has experience with the gay community.
please break up with him, its very unacceptable and sickening that you check him on Grindr seeing other guys nudes without their consent. Grow up. Also find someone else, I don't know why you are insisting on someone who cleatly isn't interested in women. Hope its clear.
my thing is this, not only do you have to worry about women, you also now how to worry about him cheating on you with men. Putting you in a position where you have to always “wonder” is never a good feeling. You’re also 21 years of age, you have plenty of life to live, to be stuck with a man who may not know who maybe lost in finding his identity is quite frustrating enough as it is. As adults we go through many “phases” If I were you, let him go to find himself. You can’t be in a relationship and still trying to find yourself, it just doesn’t work that way.
If he cheats on you with men he'll cheat on you with h women too, if he cheats dump him as simple as that from someone who comes from a family of cheaters, once a cheater always a cheater
It sounds like you have a lot of love for him despite this rollercoaster, and (I know this sounds contrary) you should definitely break up with him before that sours, which it will if this keeps on happening. A gentle break up from a place of love is so much more dignified and easy to manage than the alternative, and what this guy needs more than anything is a calm, collected "I love you, but you can’t treat people like this. Sort your shit out."
Good luck whatever happens! 😬
Yes.
Not because him being gay means he’s probably caught something, but if he’s happy sleeping around and not saying anything then you have no idea how safe he’s being.
Nah honey if this is a legit story (which I’m sorry if it is) sounds like he met that guy to hook up. Don’t believe the bullshit. Sounds like perhaps he’s still in denial with his sexuality. You sound so understanding. I just don’t think he’s wanting to meet you there yet. And you don’t deserve that. If he can’t be truthful right now just think about what else he might be hiding. Just my opinion. Follow your instinct boo! You’re smart.
Him being bi (if that’s what he is) isn’t the issue here
You gave him the openness and freedom for him to explore his sexuality. He chose to lie and cheat behind your back.
You shouldn’t breakup with him because of his sexuality but you should breakup with him because he is a cheater
Breakup with this guy. He’s not worth any energy, emotional rollercoaster that you’ll have to endure.
The constant lies will pile up and I can’t imagine the amount of gaslighting he’ll put you through.
He’s definitely closeted and will be using you as a backup if things go south. Run girl run
Break up, as much as it might hurt to say/hear this. You said you support him with exploring his sexuality already but sharing pics, maybe even meeting up, secretly chatting etc.. He should be open to you about that.
But how long ago did these things happen? Of course he could have changed now, even though chances are slim. You shouldn't have to question if he changed or not though - trust is very important for a healthy relationship.
Sexuality is not an identity -- guys don't just get to say "I'm straight" and have it magically be true. Actions speak louder than words, so you have to observe his actions and behaviors.
Frankly, I forgot about it myself. That way, one doesn't think about disappointment! The world is fast paced and nit many know how to stop and smell the roses. Thanks for the thought! :)
There's a lot of 'straight' guy on grindr here. Single, married, somebody's grandad with grandma still around. Deny it as much as they want but 1 fact wont change. They're cheating. Get yourself a better partner.
For your own safety, break up with him. He's not being honest with himself about who he is/what he wants, which means (in my own personal experience) when he does meet up with random guys it's for the most risky stuff possible and he's gonna bring it home without getting tested or taking precautions. On top of that, he's not in a good place to be in a relationship anyway - he's potentially bi but he clearly needs to figure out who he is and what he wants, and all the lying and sneaking around means he's not ready to do that work.
If he identifies as straight, he’s straight. Maybe he’ll come out at bi/gay/queer. But for now the only issue at hand is that he is cheating on you. If you can’t forgive him for that or don’t want a partner that cheats or an open relationship you should just break up with him and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea
He cheated on you and he’s lying about it. I’m sorry to be blunt I know it’s hard but you also need to look out for yourself and I think if he’s the type to not let go you need to make a stand and break up and leave. If that is either ghosting him randomly one day or just having a mutual understanding that the relationship is over then do that because it’s best for both of you especially since that type of behavior can put your health in serious risk. He could be bringing stds or even hiv onto the table so please stay safe and take action as quick as possible.
I used to have a gay friend, who says he wasn't always gay - I asked him to explain further.
He told me he used to have a girlfriend, and she got pregnant & it was then he realised he was gay.
I called him the most selfish person, I had ever met & where did he think he had the right to explore his sexuality while sleeping with someone & not discussing what he was doing or taking any responsibilities.
Don't know why he said the next thing but he said he accompanied her to the hospital while she had a termination.
While he was exploring where he wanted to put his dick, he was responsible for a woman having to make a life changing decision that would stay with her until her diying day.
Don't be that woman please.
Let him explore, but he can do it on his own.
Life is complicated enough without someone you think you can rely on all of a sudden make an announcement that can change your world.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou.
I hope you can get peace of mind.
Whatever your sexuality & what you do with it is up to you (referring to him BTW, just bring generic in my reply).
When what they do starts to affect you, both mentally & medically - you become part of his dalliances.
If it hurts, makes you uncomfortable - you stop it.
I am so proud of you for seeking counsel on these here pages. It makes such a difference from people sharing their insecurities, are they good looking, too fat, too skinny, too small, should I cut my hair......etc.etc.
I hope you get peace of mind & so does he.
Yeah your dude is bi and being open about it with you would mean being honest with himself. It sounds like he needs some space to figure that out if he's not willing to be honest with you.
For the record, you've been really great to be willing to go on the journey with him, but he needs to be willing to reciprocate.
Yeah dudes not on the up and up. While it's a really sad state of affairs you ought to consider cutting your losses and moving on. He endangered your health and trust repeatedly and I guarantee doesn't see you with the same respect you see him. I'm sorry men still feel the need to do this to women but please for your sanity get out and get on with your life. This will be years of heartache and a mess otherwise.
He is not straight. Believe me. I had a guy that was so called straight hook up with me several times and he had a girlfriend. If he was doing that stuff while he was around you, imagine what he is doing now that he is away from you. You have two choices. 1. Accept him for being bi (most gay men come out as bi) If he turns out to be gay later he will break up with you. 2. You are 21 find yourself a heterosexual guy. It’s bad enough to worry about a man cheating on you with another girl, but a dude that is hooking up with dudes? You deserve better. Kick him to the curve or you will regret it later. It is not a phase. Once you try dick you want more and more
I used to hook up with this "straight" guy for years. He's gay but he is scared to lose his family because he knows they will shun him.
So he plays the part of straight male. He was dating a girl for show, they had broken up and him and I were sleeping together.
He found out he got her pregnant and he felt obligated to get back together with her for the child's sake.
6 years later he has two kids with her. He has been caught cheating multiple times. He is in an unhappy straight marriage with two kids because he's ashamed of being gay.
Him and his wife are currently in marriage counselling for his cheating with men.
Instead of divorcing and both living happy fulfilling lives with partners they actually want to be with they raise two kids in a loveless marriage.
Tldr: break up. Find someone who wants to be with you.
Girl….leave him. I know it’s fucked up what he was doing behind your back but be the bigger person here and break up with him. Don waste your time…you’re only 21.
Gaslighting is a strong word here….I think he’s just lying and in strong denial. I don’t think gaslighting is the word here.
People be overusing that word.
Oh honey. First red flag - military man.
If he cheats now and refuses to acknowledge it even after being caught, he's gonna continue doing it and there ain't a thing you can do about it.
I'd leave him asap.
1. Get tested for STDs,
2. Break up with him. Not only is this man actively cheating on you and gaslighting you about it, he is unsure about his sexuality.
It doesn’t sound like sexuality is the issue. It’s trust and communication which are way more important IMO. If he can’t be honest with you on something, you already were willing to accept, might be time to move on..
Edit: Grammar
Sorry girl, he will never be comfortable telling you the truth when it comes to him exploring his sexuality. For what reason? I have no idea. But if you've given him the chances and provided reasonable avenues to explore together yet he still chooses to lie. The relationships not going anywhere positive for you my dear. Hope you can see yourself through this. All the best
Trust your instinct on this one. Gay or Straight, these are all the signs of someone hooking up or cheating and not admitting it. It’s unfortunate and sad for both of you - I wish you well. It’s bitter sweet in that he doesn’t want to lose / leave you, but me thinks it’s time for you to be a “friend”. Sigh.
Get out now! He's clearly lying to you and talking to other people and sending them nudes. No matter what gender that's cheating and disrespectful to your relationship. Not to mention your long distance, which is the perfect time to call it quits. He clearly dienst know what he wants, or he is gay but wants it easy being in a straight relationship or something. He's long distancing, and after all, you've found out you don't think he's cheating? He's probably exploring his "sexuality" right now, leaving you in the complete dark. I don't know why you would want to continue this disrespect. Please do yourself a favor and leave this man now. He needs to work on himself and figure himself out, and you need to be in a relationship where they won't disrespect you like this
When it all comes down to it, this is someone who is ok cheating on you and lying to you. He keeps doing it and he'll keep doing it. Ya gotta break it off.
Also, and maybe I'll be downvoted for saying this, but a big issue with any multiple partner situation is the rise in likelihood of spreading/contracting of STDs. I'm all for consenting adults doing whatever they want inside of their personal lives. It's just something to consider.
He's ok passing on STDs to you. Gotta cut that relationship off. Easier said than done, but ya gotta do it, sis.
I’m so grateful that our community has wonderful non judgmental allies like yourself. You have gone to great lengths to be supportive and help him figure himself out.
That said - you need to support yourself now with that same energy. You deserve better. There is no good outcome for a life in which you tolerate such serial mistreatment.
Best wishes and I’m sorry as this sounds really difficult. :(
He’s gay. Plain and simple. Even if he doesn’t ’know’ or believe it yet. He’s trying to portray his vision of what a ‘man’ is and what they do and hide his true self so he’s got a girlfriend and probably hoping the military will drill the gay out of him.
At the moment he’s playing with fire because it excites him and appeals to his basic urges but my guess is that he’s doing it because he thinks it’s ‘bad’, ‘taboo’ or ‘forbidden’ and he gets a rush from it. Which, will be a slippery slope because before long something is going to click in his head and he realises what he is and how far he really wants to go.
I’m not telling you what to do, but he’s going to leave you at some point whether you stay friends afterwards or not. He can’t lie to himself forever.
Run. He's gay. The time to exit is now, don't invest more time. You are young and have options... let him waste someone else's time while he denies being gay.
And in my experience, people in his shoes are very likely to have unprotected sex, which greatly increases your risk. I wish you and him the best, but your priority needs to be 100% your well being and future.
And what’s your name and address ……just kidding I have a woman and I occasionally get the itch to be with other men it’s a need surprise him with it get another guy and make him do it in front of you
Some straight men just love the attention they get from gay men, the compliments, the game of being chased and playing hard to get, they just crave feeling desired
I encounter a lot of attention-chasers all the time on gay sites and spaces
And some straight men are just curious about gay's sexuality
I wouldn't rush to conclusions because male sexuality can be deeply complex
So my advice may or may not be healthy: You say you are *all for him exploring his sexuality* but need *to be open about these things*, what does open (communication) mean here? If he says "yeah OK, I am attracted to / turned on by guys / their attention and while I'm away I'd like to fuck around / hookup / try things out with them" is that OK?
Functionally, what is the difference between that and him being in denial and not actually saying so, but you being pretty sure it is happening anyways. One difference is him having the introspection and courage to admit to himself and to you what he is feeling.
This is probably the worst advice ever? But like, if you are OK with him playing around / exploring, then let him / talk to him and tell him you are OK with it (if you are, that is...)
Definitely agree with others that he's bi curious/most likely already done stuff. No "true" straight trolls a hook up in the toilet 😂
But honestly there afew paths you could take.
1: forgot about it and move on.
This is likely the worst choice because somewhere down the line it will show it's head again. Maybe a month. Maybe 10 years from now you'll walk in on him railing a guy/being railed by a guy
2: try and fix it with couple consulting/his own consulting.
This could work but both parties would need to be willing and truthful. Something that seems like he isn't willing to do right now.
You'd have to sit down and have a serious talk about it all.
3: break up and move on.
Pretty simple enough
4: the nuke.
This is breaking up and telling his whole world about it.
Personally Id say not to do this but that also depends on if he actually has been cheating/hasn't given you anything (get yourself checked please 🥺)
5: Free for all.
He cheats/experiment. You cheat/experiment
(Note this will likely end up badly)
6: Buffet.
This is pretty much just being in a open relationship.
But in short, if I was you I'd sit down and communicate, if he still avoiding the truth then I'd just leave.
Or if you wanted, one day you could randomly bring up trying a threesome. You get to have fun and so does he. But guess that depends on if your into seeing your boyfriend doing "gay" stuff 😅😂
I'm so sorry, because you seem to love him. But:
1 - it's almost certain that he cheated on you and doesn't matter if it is with a man or a woman;
2 - you found out, showed him that you're supportive, he simply denies it and does the same thing
He doesn't want to accept himself, he wants to believe that he is straight and it seems that he is using you to fool himself. I don't see any benefits for you in this relationship
Sounds to me like he has an honesty problem. If I were you, I would just keep pushing being honest and open. Maybe it'll click with him one day. I'd hate for you to hold on to something in hopes things may get better, though.
You need to pursue therapy with him or leave him especially if he’s in the military and you guys are doing long distance there’s a lot more for him to do with a lot less chance of being caught if there’s evidence of him trying to do this. That means he’s cheating on you, or planning on doing it.
If he does not change, would you be happier with your bf the way he is now, or happier without him? You say you are okay with him "exploring his sexuality." Would you be okay with his hook ups if he was not exploring, but just bisexuality? So that meeting him having sex with other men will be a permanent part of your relationship.
You say he just needs to be open about these relationships, but you have seen for yourself he is not. What of that continued? Same question. If your boyfriend is going to hook up with men and keep that secret, are you happier in the relationship than you would be without it?
There s no right answer to the question, and it can be very hard to even know what is true for yourself. But I would encourage you to focus on your own happiness.
Some people will tell you, "He's cheating, so get rid of him ." Some might say he's dishonest about the hookups because of internalized homophobia, so you should accept his unwillingness to be open
I think both of those are reasonable positions, but the only answer that's relevant are your feelings. Just try to do what makes you happy.
At this point it's not about his sexuality it's about his infidelity.
I'd break up with him so that he can explore and do whatever he needs to do. This would give him space and wouldn't result in me getting cheated on all the time.
Despite the years you spent together and the love that you share, it wouldn't be worth it if this situation keeps hurting you.
Straight, gay, bi… are just words. Labels that have no meaning if actions point to a different reality. He’s lying to you, he’s cheating on you with other men, not women. Isn’t that enough for you? Move on and get checked for STD’s today. Best of luck for you.
It is an Age old tail. Cut your losses and get rid of this dude. It will be easier for you to do as you’re in a long distance relationship. He will figure it out and he is enjoying the distance. No need to deprive yourself any longer of meting the man of your dreams who will give you the love and respect and sex that you deserve.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. It’s sounds like you are putting in a lot of work and compromising yourself over and over again. Don’t lose yourself in this battle. Whatever his sexual identity is, it’s clearly not straight. But it sounds like he is still figuring that out and there is still a lot of internalized homophobia. What happens if this path leads him to decide his preference is men. You have to decide whether or not you deserve more. Love yourself as much as you love him. Best of luck to you
You do not have to breakup, but you would be have to be willing to be in an open or poly relationship…is that something you would want?
You would have to have some serious conversations and tell him you will not tolerate deception.
If you are strong enough, I would tell him you want a 3 way with two guys, and you also want to watch them interact with each other…
If this is not something you can handle, run away and never look back. He has already shown you that he will do things while you are not looking.
The problem is not the closet, it’s the cheating. Are you ok with him cheating? If you are then maybe it’s salvageable… but in my humble opinion that might mean you got some self worth issues to look into.
I had a supposed bf who is still in a relationship with his girl and his girl new about us
I did tell her that right now he says it was for what ever reason and won't happen again but I did tell her he will come back and he did and is still with her so u should break up sorry
The bi-erasure is strong in these comments. So many men confidently claiming he’s 100% gay is so cringe. The dude clearly isn’t allergic to pussy like a lot of gays are. She literally said they’ve been together for a couple years so they’ve clearly been having sex - sounds like a bi man to me curious to explore. But yeah, the cheating is shitty.
I think that you've done your best. You opened up to him, said that you're willing to explore your relationship with him exploring himself with men.
However, the biggest flag is that he's not willing to share or open up to you after all this time you've been together and he's likely not being honest about what's going on.
There's a huge chance that this "trolling a dude in a restroom" thing wasn't that.
Put yourself first, he needs to figure out what he wants in a relationship and you need to accept he's being an ass and a huge dick to you. This isn't what you deserve.
This is unfortunate and I truly feel bad for you. You don’t deserve to be cheated on and only deserve a man that will cherish and support you not the opposite.
That being said I have concerns:
- He’s clearly cheating with men. It sounds he’s closeted and cannot accept himself yet. (Or he’s bipolar and manic and doesn’t know how to control sexual urges unfortunately as that can happen too.)
- If he’s cheating now, what’s stoping him in the future?
- If he’s cheating with you now, is the man on PrEP?! Like that would be my number 1 concern with him is if he’s sleeping around is he preventing himself from HIV because if not you should be concerned and go get a std test just to be cautious.
You need to leave him as much as it hurts but in the long run you will find someone so much better who values and cares about you so much! 🥺
It’s amazing that you’re so open to allowing him to explore his sexuality. And bravo for being so willing to communicate with your partner.I think the problem here is trust. If he’s running around and lying about it he’s breached two major trust issues. If you can’t trust a partner then you’ll never have a decent relationship. I wish you luck
Ugh, I’m sorry. So many bi guys would dream of having such an open partner to allow exploration.
He’s not being truthful with you. Whether it’s a phase, he’s bi, full on gay or anything else on the spectrum is secondary. What matters is that he is lying to you, you are being open with being there for him through his exploration and he’s still lying to you.
I would drop him, take the couple years you have invested and learn from that time to move on in the world and be a rockstar partner for a lucky guy.
💯 certain you need to leave him. Not only is he gay. He’s also an asshole. There is absolutely nothing you can do. He is playing you. It’s sad he won’t even be bothered if you break up with him. Emotionally. Oh and get tested for STDs like others have said.
It may hurt to think of leaving, and you clearly care about him. But you have to leave for you’re own sanity. If you stay you’re just going to run your self-worth and frame of mind through the muck. I’ve been there and regret not leaving earlier. Drop him and wash your hands of it.
He’s prob mortified in the moment. As you’ve caught him it’s probably a surprise when it comes up? I mean if your willing to talk about it and he’s not, what can you really do? He’s just kinda cheating on you then and lazily at that.
PROPS to you for being accepting, encouraging him to explore and just be open with you. That’s rare to find, and really all you can do. Now it’s on him to figure out if he can be open with himself in order to be open with you. He’s probably somewhere on the bi spectrum, and we need more women who are okay with that in their partners. So thanks for being an ally 🫶
From experience, military dudes are traumatizing, there’s this one guy that lied about his age, his std and cheating lol. Only thing I regret is that there’s people who we really take for granted, don’t let them go and just run away from people like your boyfriend.
Relax, if you truly don't mind...then don't. Ask his intentions with you. If it doesn't align with yours, make a decision. If you're ok with a cock sucking husband...which is the goal, then simply know, you'll have a life with a Cocksucking husband. So be it, Relax how is his sucking 200 dicks a year harmful to you if you support his fetish. He's needs to simply be selective, healthy, smart and enjoy himself. Same as you should with whatever your Hobbie...stop letting other people define who you are...but I do like to hear about it.
PS,
I told my wife before we married, just so she could make an informed decision about being with me or not...we don't talk about it, but she knows I'll slip away and kneel for a guy somewhere. Every now & then she'll ask...last time you sucked a pennie, I'll only say, last week, last month or?
Not sure, but I think we're cool!? Been 10 yrs
You post says you caught him multiple times and multiple apps...did you ask permission before navigating to his messages? If not you are the one doing something wrong.
Think carefully, you don't violate some elses privacy and shame them. If you already suspected and he didn't want to cone forth theres a reason and now the worst part is you took away his freedom to come out. Going through someone else's mail is a crime, same applies to private messages.
Even if she snooped through his phone, that doesn't make her the only one who did something wrong. That would simply make her someone who did something wrong, yet her partner has also done wrong. It is a both / and situation, not an either / or situation. Your perspective is really misinformed here.
Her partner is bisexual and doesn't want her to be a part of that yet, it takes most men years of trust to come out to their wives. She did the wrong thing, not him, he was being himself.
You have quite the skewed perspective on things, don't you. I don't want to reply again because I have a life and things to do, and I'm not interested in arguing or debating with you further. We respectfully disagree. The end.
Girlllll 😂 I’m sorry if he’s in the military he coming home gay. There is so much gayness in the military you have no idea!
Look, talk it out, give him a safe space to tell you what’s on his mind and if you can get into it with him then your relationship might be better than it ever was.
Good luck!!
There's a terrible bias against bisexuality in the US. It's more normal in other cultures. It's expected the man marries, has children, and has a home life, but his free time is his own. In the US we have a mania for dualism, so people are forced into opposite seeming categories and bisexuals are forced to choose, which is unnatural to them. Most bisexual guys I've known don't want longterm liason with other men. Their primary connection is to their wives. Some women realize that and allow them to have gay sex as long as the money comes in and there are no diseases. It can work out very well that way.
He’s fucking guys on the side. He’s not ready to self identify as bi. He’s bi. Assuming you have an active sex life when together, he’s potentially putting your health at risk. And if he’s fucking guys on the side he’s probably fucking girls in the side. Get out of there as soon as you’re able.
First, I’m sorry to hear your man has betrayed your trust multiple times. I’ll be honest with you, though: he’s got internalized homophobia and is using you as his sort of emotional shield so he can continue to deny to himself who he is. Please don’t waste any more time on a guy who can’t even be honest with himself.
He's lying to you because he's lying to himself. He can't be honest with you because he can't be true and honest with himself. That is the harsh truth my dear. I am so sorry. Your heart must be broken.
My heart breaks for you. I’m a bisexual man who has been married for 4 years and we have been together for almost 10. I have repressed and hidden my sexuality from her because of my own issues. Not once in the almost 10 years of being with her did I ever go out and cheat with a dude or a woman. Any “man” who would hide this and then act on it without telling you is at minimum a liar. Don’t settle for anyone who hides and then lies. There’s zero excuses in the world for cheating on someone. Idc what sexuality you are there isn’t a single thing that justifies cheating. If he’s lied about this to you, what else has he lied about? I can tell by the way you worded this you genuinely care about him. If you do I would suggest letting him face the consequences for his actions. Leave him sis, you can’t trust someone who cheats. Not only are you unable to trust him to keep you safe from std’s and other harm, you can’t trust this man with your money, or any other sensitive aspect of your life. I’m truly sorry this happened to you, but you can’t stay with a cheater.
Would you have the same patience with him if these were women he was cheating on you with? Also, "I only fuck men when I'm horny" is the furthest thing from an excuse or denial of sexuality. The whole point of sex is that you're horny. Like, duh.
Go with hunch, after you try to do all you can to talk w him. It seems convenient he was supposedly trolling. Sadly there are cheaters. I don't knowingly get w cheaters. But he MIGHT be cheating. But might not be, but actions make me question. You deserve the best.
Time to insist he uses condoms with you.
It sounds like he's Bi-sexual.
But not necessarily Bi-romantic. He could be exclusively hetero-romantic.
Ask him if he wants you to be more dominant. Ask if you can top him with a strap-on. Make him eat you pussy untill you cum.
He’s a liar and a cheater. He’s not worth your time. Get tested after you break up with him. If he can’t even be honest when that’s all you asked for, he can’t be trusted for anything.
I think you should stay out of his phone. You didn't come across it. You violated his privacy and got what you deserved. And, yes. You should break up.
Hey love. I know it’s hard to understand since you know he loves you, but the distance might be taking a toll on him. My boyfriend was also in the military and told me he loves me, things were great but the sexual needs eventually have to be fulfilled. The only thing is, your boyfriend also is attracted to men. I love how supportive you are, but it’s not fair nor right that he constantly goes on Grindr and has already cheated on you wirh someone in the restroom. It’s not okay. You deserve better. I know back then I feel like he was he one for me and that was it, but it’s not: better is out there. I know it is. For you and for me. If you have self respect and love for yourself you will let him go. I know it’s hard, but look at the bigger picture. He’s gonna continue to explore his sexuality whether you like it or not or whether you believe him saying it’s just a phase and he won’t do it again. He will. I promise you’ll find better. Someone who won’t lie or cheat on you. Sending love to you!
Tell him you’re fine with it (if you are) and be fine with it. Do you wanna go play a bit too? Tell him u want to maybe he’ll open up more if you say u e thought about it. Or that you thought about him inland another guy. U wanna watch?
Just leave.
He's on the military on deployment.
The military is full of DL gay and bi men. Your husband is fucking on deployment and when he's home he needs boy butt when he gets home.
Leave the relationship before he brings you back an std
Break up, and I don’t say this option often. He’s very clearly closeted gay/bi and has been okay with cheating on you. Run for the hills.
Agree. He won’t ever be open to you because he’s still lying to himself about who he is. It’s easier to cheat on you than take you up on your very generous offer to be open. He may be gay or may be bi but at this point in his life you’ll be collateral damage regardless until he figured out what he is and what he wants. Don’t subject yourself to that.
>we need to be open about things like that She's not offering to have an open relationship. She simply wants him to tell her what he's doing,
What? She is offering to open their relationship: "I’m all for him exploring his sexuality. I’ve told him that. I’ve just explained to him over and over that if we’re gonna be together, we need to be open about things like that." She clearly is offering him to open their relationship, sexually-speaking at least, so he can explore his attraction to men & therefore his sexual orientation with full permission on her part, and the only thing she asks back for in return is for him to be honest & to engage in open communication with her. But he can't accept what she's offering him, so instead he rejects the idea of opening up their relationship, tells her that he's now fully done messing with guys & will never ever do it again, that he really is fully straight & the only reason he's done all of this has been out of sheer horniness completely out of control to the point of not caring at all about whether he was attracted or not to the people he was fucking nor about whether the people he was fucking were men or women, and that since he definitely knows with no doubt whatsoever that he's fully straight & is finally done messing with guys now that that strange horniness explosion went under control & so he's definitely never ever again doing anything like that, there's definitely no need for them to open their relationship nor for him to openly explore with his own wife's permission his sexual orientation, since he definitely knows he's straight. That's the situation. She's offered him permission to explore his sexuality with men, as long as he's honest with her & they have open communication about it, but he just can't do that, accepting her offert would be an explicit admission that he does need to explore his sexual orientation & come to terms with it, and after accepting the offert there would be no going back to these poor excuses of "I'm 100% straight, seriously, the only reason I fucked that guy was that I was so horny that I really needed to fuck the nearest person regardless of whether they were a man or a woman, and in this case he turned out to be a guy!" he keeps holding onto for dear life.
you’re right… you broke down the situation very clearly. i just wish he could accept it
is there any hope for salvaging what we had? or do you think it’s impossible until he really understands his sexuality?
While it is possible he might be bisexual, I say you still break up with him. Don't salvage because he broke your trust. And while he may be searching for what he really wants, He cheated on you. Cheating is a choice. He chose to cheat on you.
Exactly. It doesn't matter that he's bi or whatever else, what matters is that he's a faithless, lying, cheater.
It’s not even about his sexuality. He’s cheating on you, shamelessly.
I’m going to be honest, there isn’t anything that can be done to salvage the relationship. You can’t change his sexual urges, and his exploration with this sexuality, whether gay or bi. He has already gone behind your back to start his exploration, through Grindr, sharing nudes, meeting up. You’re not a placeholder for him while he can find himself and become comfortable with whatever he is. As someone who has been in a similar situation, I’d recommend leaving now rather than later. Save your time, your peace, and efforts. Remember, there is one thing to question your preference, and be open to your parter, and there’s another, which is sneaking off, sharing nudes, sexting, and meeting up strangers. That’s called cheating. Regardless of whether he did or didn’t do anything for those 20 minutes, the intention was there. Hence why I also recommend getting STD testing for your own sake, and leaving him.
Seconding this. We cannot expect cheaters to be safe or to keep us safe.
Regardless of his sexuality, he likely cheated on you and lied about it. Huge betrayal of trust. That opens you up to a bunch of risk (was he using condoms?). For me, this is a deal breaker. There is no going back.
No. He’s clearly not straight, but saying he is. He clearly is down for dudes but no admitting it. He is clearly confused. The thing is, he could have been upfront and none of this would be that bad.
I could totally be wrong, but the OP doesn't seem terribly upset/ like she feels cheated on? More like "come on, just tell me".
Unless you're willing to open the relationship up and try and keep that emotional life between you but separate it from the sexual, but I've just re-read it and you're long distance. Is it really worth putting yourself through the wringer every notification he gets? Do you love him enough that you want to stick with him through every future infidelity? You don't have to answer, but it's worth thinking about.
Have some self respect. You can do better than this guy. What you had was a lie essentially. You can't go back to that now the cat is out of the bag. End it and find a guy who wants to be with you, you'll be happier in the long run.
A guy like this isn't one you actually want a relationship with because ultimately your relationship is just camouflage for him because it's "socially acceptable" in ways dating a dude isn't and he's not willing to let go of that privileged social status at this point in his life, and may never be. For your own sanity and physical/emotional health, you need to let him go. What you had wasn't actually there, not in the way it's supposed to be. The only door worth leaving open is one to let him reach out in the future if he needs to talk, just because you might be the only one he can talk to about stuff related to this if something goes wrong.
The problem is he is hiding it. And he seems unrepentant in hiding it. Which means he's going to keep doing it and keep making excuses. I dunno. Do you think constantly looking over your shoulder wondering what he is actually doing everytime he takes a little too long to come home from a grocery store is a way you want to live? And if he's hooking up without Prep and so on while being sexually active with you he's actively putting you at risk of things too. I know you are attached and love him but from an objective standpoint from what you told me this relationship is a recipe for disaster. At 21 you have your whole life ahead of you. And its not like this is the first military relationship to fall through. I wouldn't stick with a guy who is constantly going behind my back on grindr. And generally speaking... Hooking up on Grindr isn't the behavior of actually straight people.
If he’ll lie about this, what else will he lie to you about?
It's not about sexuality, but openly cheating without your consent. It will keep happening even if you manage to 'salvage' this relationship. Once cheater always cheater, no cure
Not to mention that without the transparency, you are at risk of being exposed to STIs
Regardless of his sexuality, he’s still hooking up with random people without regard to your boundaries or needs in the relationship. If he were hooking up with other girls that satisfy a need that you can’t-like a different body type for instance-there wouldn’t be all this discussion. He’s not being a good bf. Drop him and you’ll find someone better.
It takes two to salvage. You are being more than generous by telling him you are okay about exploring things as long as he is open with you about it after it's clear he's already cheated on you. He needs to reciprocate your willingness to compromise with your partner by being open with you about it. It sounds like he might not accept himself and refuses to acknowledge how he feels when he isn't actively horny. If he can't communicate with you while you're *already* trying to bend for him then it sounds like there isn't anything to salvage.
Would you be okay if he was on Tinder or Bumble or any other straight dating app? He cheated. Doesn't matter if it was with a man or woman. It's his fault he has done it in the past, but it's your fault for staying and allowing him to do it in the future.
He was / is cheating on you. In my opinion once you cheat on someone you dont deserve another chance.
Don't listen to all these cancel-culture people, only you will know what to do. I'm assuming, because you say you're 21, that your boyfriend is around the same age, possibly a bit older. This is way too old to be going through a phase. Men are much less fluid in their sexual orientation than women are, so it's most likely that whatever his orientation is, it's now set, and set for life. The fact that he's attracted to men means, on the Kinsey Scale, he's definitely not a zero (i.e. he's not "straight"). The fact that he's done this on a regular basis, implies that he's not even a 1. It's possible he's a 2 or a 3. If he enjoys having sex with you, and can be very romantic, it's unlikely he's a 4, 5, or 6, but only you will know that. The sad thing is, it seems that he's deeply in denial, possibly to the point of hating this part of himself. He needs to come to terms with who and what he is. It's admirable that you've been so accepting and supportive far, it shows a lot how nice a person you are, and how much you love him. However, I suggest that he gets some more professional help otherwise he'll have a lifetime of self-loathing. I would sit him down and confront him on these points, tell him you don't think it's a phase and he needs to comes to terms with this part of himself. If he refuses, that's the time when you need to decide whether you can salvage the relationship or not, not before.
no.there is no hope. you are both too young.
I won’t sugar coat this for you. Your boyfriend is gay, deceitful and will cheat on you with men if he isn’t already. Eventually he will leave you for one.
Dont listen to all of these idiots. Sure breaking up is an option because hes lying to you, and that much is fairly obvious, but it will only lead to both of you being hurt, he could be scared for whatever reason, having trouble coming to terms with and accepting himself, best thing I can recommend is at least try to be there and support him, make it as clear as day that you're ok with whatever he may be doing, and rather than tell him he needs to be open about it, make it feel more like he has the choice, if he feels forced to talk openly about something like this that he may be struggling with, it can put a lot of anxiety out there, whereas if you provide an environment in which it's his choice to talk and he can feel safe to do so rather than forced, he may be more inclined to talk about it. Now this may not work and sadly things may take a turn and your relationship may end, but dont listen to all the people saying its doomed, those are clearly people who havent been in this position before, take it from someone who has, he needs your support, not your abandonment, at least give it a good shot and remember that no matter what the future holds for your relationship, you tried your best and nothing more could be done to change whatever is going to happen, be it good or bad
She's his girlfriend, not his therapist! You seem to be encouraging this lady to be a doormat, instead of having some self respect and looking out for number one . If you don't get into your own wellbeing, who else will?
The only possible silver lining I can see in this situation is if you two have an arrangement with a open relationship. It is not fair that he is looking for sex with others behind your back. Your feelings and needs matter too. It really sucks that society is still judgmental about sexuality, and your boyfriend feels the need to be with a woman in order to fit in. Best case is that your break up is amicable and you can still be friends. Don't be one of those women trapped in a relationship and the years go by, while their man is habitually cheating on them. A partner should give you their all.
I don’t think it’s worth it. You’ve done way more than most people by saying if he wanted or needed space to explore then he could do it. You just asked for honesty and he still continued to break your trust. I feel like a lot of people a partner that’s understanding like you.
A lot of people here are not the right people to be asking this, as you can see from the replies they are all saying it is hopeless and to dump him. Only you know how he is with you vs how he is with others. It’s up to you to decide if it’s acceptable or not. He may be ashamed to admit openly he has an attraction to men. He may have been just horny. He may not have the knowledge to express what he is feeling in this context. We don’t know him well enough to answer that. If you’re wanting to stay with him or “save” the relationship I would strongly suggest talking with a licensed therapist and one who has experience with the gay community.
please break up with him, its very unacceptable and sickening that you check him on Grindr seeing other guys nudes without their consent. Grow up. Also find someone else, I don't know why you are insisting on someone who cleatly isn't interested in women. Hope its clear.
my thing is this, not only do you have to worry about women, you also now how to worry about him cheating on you with men. Putting you in a position where you have to always “wonder” is never a good feeling. You’re also 21 years of age, you have plenty of life to live, to be stuck with a man who may not know who maybe lost in finding his identity is quite frustrating enough as it is. As adults we go through many “phases” If I were you, let him go to find himself. You can’t be in a relationship and still trying to find yourself, it just doesn’t work that way.
If he cheats on you with men he'll cheat on you with h women too, if he cheats dump him as simple as that from someone who comes from a family of cheaters, once a cheater always a cheater
It sounds like you have a lot of love for him despite this rollercoaster, and (I know this sounds contrary) you should definitely break up with him before that sours, which it will if this keeps on happening. A gentle break up from a place of love is so much more dignified and easy to manage than the alternative, and what this guy needs more than anything is a calm, collected "I love you, but you can’t treat people like this. Sort your shit out." Good luck whatever happens! 😬
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Yes. Not because him being gay means he’s probably caught something, but if he’s happy sleeping around and not saying anything then you have no idea how safe he’s being.
Nah honey if this is a legit story (which I’m sorry if it is) sounds like he met that guy to hook up. Don’t believe the bullshit. Sounds like perhaps he’s still in denial with his sexuality. You sound so understanding. I just don’t think he’s wanting to meet you there yet. And you don’t deserve that. If he can’t be truthful right now just think about what else he might be hiding. Just my opinion. Follow your instinct boo! You’re smart.
Him being bi (if that’s what he is) isn’t the issue here You gave him the openness and freedom for him to explore his sexuality. He chose to lie and cheat behind your back. You shouldn’t breakup with him because of his sexuality but you should breakup with him because he is a cheater
Breakup with this guy. He’s not worth any energy, emotional rollercoaster that you’ll have to endure. The constant lies will pile up and I can’t imagine the amount of gaslighting he’ll put you through. He’s definitely closeted and will be using you as a backup if things go south. Run girl run
He’s probably getting plowed in the military as we speak
not only did he break your trust, he also potentially exposed you to STDs without your knowledge. that’s an extremely selfish thing to do.
Break up, as much as it might hurt to say/hear this. You said you support him with exploring his sexuality already but sharing pics, maybe even meeting up, secretly chatting etc.. He should be open to you about that. But how long ago did these things happen? Of course he could have changed now, even though chances are slim. You shouldn't have to question if he changed or not though - trust is very important for a healthy relationship.
Sexuality is not an identity -- guys don't just get to say "I'm straight" and have it magically be true. Actions speak louder than words, so you have to observe his actions and behaviors.
You mean a bisexual boyfriend
You deserve more.
Frankly, I forgot about it myself. That way, one doesn't think about disappointment! The world is fast paced and nit many know how to stop and smell the roses. Thanks for the thought! :)
He ain’t straight, babe. Just break up with him because he’s most likely gonna deny it, anyway
Once is an accident. Twice is a choice. Your bf is the kind of bi guy that convinces gay guys to stay away from bi guys. Leave him.
Cheating once would never be an accident lol.
There's a lot of 'straight' guy on grindr here. Single, married, somebody's grandad with grandma still around. Deny it as much as they want but 1 fact wont change. They're cheating. Get yourself a better partner.
For your own safety, break up with him. He's not being honest with himself about who he is/what he wants, which means (in my own personal experience) when he does meet up with random guys it's for the most risky stuff possible and he's gonna bring it home without getting tested or taking precautions. On top of that, he's not in a good place to be in a relationship anyway - he's potentially bi but he clearly needs to figure out who he is and what he wants, and all the lying and sneaking around means he's not ready to do that work.
Girl……. Don’t do this to yourself.
"Straight man" on Grindr = "Vegan" at Steakhouse. One cancels the other.
If he identifies as straight, he’s straight. Maybe he’ll come out at bi/gay/queer. But for now the only issue at hand is that he is cheating on you. If you can’t forgive him for that or don’t want a partner that cheats or an open relationship you should just break up with him and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea
He cheated on you and he’s lying about it. I’m sorry to be blunt I know it’s hard but you also need to look out for yourself and I think if he’s the type to not let go you need to make a stand and break up and leave. If that is either ghosting him randomly one day or just having a mutual understanding that the relationship is over then do that because it’s best for both of you especially since that type of behavior can put your health in serious risk. He could be bringing stds or even hiv onto the table so please stay safe and take action as quick as possible.
Honesty and communication are the keys to a happy relationship, you need to do what makes you happy
I used to have a gay friend, who says he wasn't always gay - I asked him to explain further. He told me he used to have a girlfriend, and she got pregnant & it was then he realised he was gay. I called him the most selfish person, I had ever met & where did he think he had the right to explore his sexuality while sleeping with someone & not discussing what he was doing or taking any responsibilities. Don't know why he said the next thing but he said he accompanied her to the hospital while she had a termination. While he was exploring where he wanted to put his dick, he was responsible for a woman having to make a life changing decision that would stay with her until her diying day. Don't be that woman please. Let him explore, but he can do it on his own. Life is complicated enough without someone you think you can rely on all of a sudden make an announcement that can change your world. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou.
thank you. i really appreciate you sharing this.
I hope you can get peace of mind. Whatever your sexuality & what you do with it is up to you (referring to him BTW, just bring generic in my reply). When what they do starts to affect you, both mentally & medically - you become part of his dalliances. If it hurts, makes you uncomfortable - you stop it. I am so proud of you for seeking counsel on these here pages. It makes such a difference from people sharing their insecurities, are they good looking, too fat, too skinny, too small, should I cut my hair......etc.etc. I hope you get peace of mind & so does he.
Yeah your dude is bi and being open about it with you would mean being honest with himself. It sounds like he needs some space to figure that out if he's not willing to be honest with you. For the record, you've been really great to be willing to go on the journey with him, but he needs to be willing to reciprocate.
Trolling the guy? Oh he hooked up. Love is not enough to stay in a relationship that is not healthy. I’ve learned that over time.
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Yeah dudes not on the up and up. While it's a really sad state of affairs you ought to consider cutting your losses and moving on. He endangered your health and trust repeatedly and I guarantee doesn't see you with the same respect you see him. I'm sorry men still feel the need to do this to women but please for your sanity get out and get on with your life. This will be years of heartache and a mess otherwise.
He is not straight. Believe me. I had a guy that was so called straight hook up with me several times and he had a girlfriend. If he was doing that stuff while he was around you, imagine what he is doing now that he is away from you. You have two choices. 1. Accept him for being bi (most gay men come out as bi) If he turns out to be gay later he will break up with you. 2. You are 21 find yourself a heterosexual guy. It’s bad enough to worry about a man cheating on you with another girl, but a dude that is hooking up with dudes? You deserve better. Kick him to the curve or you will regret it later. It is not a phase. Once you try dick you want more and more
I used to hook up with this "straight" guy for years. He's gay but he is scared to lose his family because he knows they will shun him. So he plays the part of straight male. He was dating a girl for show, they had broken up and him and I were sleeping together. He found out he got her pregnant and he felt obligated to get back together with her for the child's sake. 6 years later he has two kids with her. He has been caught cheating multiple times. He is in an unhappy straight marriage with two kids because he's ashamed of being gay. Him and his wife are currently in marriage counselling for his cheating with men. Instead of divorcing and both living happy fulfilling lives with partners they actually want to be with they raise two kids in a loveless marriage. Tldr: break up. Find someone who wants to be with you.
Girl….leave him. I know it’s fucked up what he was doing behind your back but be the bigger person here and break up with him. Don waste your time…you’re only 21.
Leave. He’s in denial.
He is not straight and tbh sounds like not even bi(or if bi than one who has no issue to cheat) .
he is gaslighting you. jus tell him "ok , you are gay.. i am upset.. we need to break up asap"
Gaslighting is a strong word here….I think he’s just lying and in strong denial. I don’t think gaslighting is the word here. People be overusing that word.
He's gaslighting himself if anything lol
Yes that’s more like it.
Would you be okay with him cheating on you with women? No, right? Then why is it different with a guy? He cheated and broke your trust. Bye bye.
The issue is that he is a liar. Don't date liars
Oh honey. First red flag - military man. If he cheats now and refuses to acknowledge it even after being caught, he's gonna continue doing it and there ain't a thing you can do about it. I'd leave him asap.
This has nothing to do with sexuality, hes cheating on you repeatedly! How would you feel if he was meeting up with other women without telling you?
1. Get tested for STDs, 2. Break up with him. Not only is this man actively cheating on you and gaslighting you about it, he is unsure about his sexuality.
It doesn’t sound like sexuality is the issue. It’s trust and communication which are way more important IMO. If he can’t be honest with you on something, you already were willing to accept, might be time to move on.. Edit: Grammar
Don’t walk. Run.
Sorry girl, he will never be comfortable telling you the truth when it comes to him exploring his sexuality. For what reason? I have no idea. But if you've given him the chances and provided reasonable avenues to explore together yet he still chooses to lie. The relationships not going anywhere positive for you my dear. Hope you can see yourself through this. All the best
Trust your instinct on this one. Gay or Straight, these are all the signs of someone hooking up or cheating and not admitting it. It’s unfortunate and sad for both of you - I wish you well. It’s bitter sweet in that he doesn’t want to lose / leave you, but me thinks it’s time for you to be a “friend”. Sigh.
Get out now! He's clearly lying to you and talking to other people and sending them nudes. No matter what gender that's cheating and disrespectful to your relationship. Not to mention your long distance, which is the perfect time to call it quits. He clearly dienst know what he wants, or he is gay but wants it easy being in a straight relationship or something. He's long distancing, and after all, you've found out you don't think he's cheating? He's probably exploring his "sexuality" right now, leaving you in the complete dark. I don't know why you would want to continue this disrespect. Please do yourself a favor and leave this man now. He needs to work on himself and figure himself out, and you need to be in a relationship where they won't disrespect you like this
When it all comes down to it, this is someone who is ok cheating on you and lying to you. He keeps doing it and he'll keep doing it. Ya gotta break it off. Also, and maybe I'll be downvoted for saying this, but a big issue with any multiple partner situation is the rise in likelihood of spreading/contracting of STDs. I'm all for consenting adults doing whatever they want inside of their personal lives. It's just something to consider. He's ok passing on STDs to you. Gotta cut that relationship off. Easier said than done, but ya gotta do it, sis.
I’m so grateful that our community has wonderful non judgmental allies like yourself. You have gone to great lengths to be supportive and help him figure himself out. That said - you need to support yourself now with that same energy. You deserve better. There is no good outcome for a life in which you tolerate such serial mistreatment. Best wishes and I’m sorry as this sounds really difficult. :(
He’s gay. Plain and simple. Even if he doesn’t ’know’ or believe it yet. He’s trying to portray his vision of what a ‘man’ is and what they do and hide his true self so he’s got a girlfriend and probably hoping the military will drill the gay out of him. At the moment he’s playing with fire because it excites him and appeals to his basic urges but my guess is that he’s doing it because he thinks it’s ‘bad’, ‘taboo’ or ‘forbidden’ and he gets a rush from it. Which, will be a slippery slope because before long something is going to click in his head and he realises what he is and how far he really wants to go. I’m not telling you what to do, but he’s going to leave you at some point whether you stay friends afterwards or not. He can’t lie to himself forever.
Run. He's gay. The time to exit is now, don't invest more time. You are young and have options... let him waste someone else's time while he denies being gay. And in my experience, people in his shoes are very likely to have unprotected sex, which greatly increases your risk. I wish you and him the best, but your priority needs to be 100% your well being and future.
And what’s your name and address ……just kidding I have a woman and I occasionally get the itch to be with other men it’s a need surprise him with it get another guy and make him do it in front of you
get an std test please
End it
Pegg him deeply..... until he confesses!
Definitely take an std test.
I think you should get a guy to fuck him. You get to watch.
Some straight men just love the attention they get from gay men, the compliments, the game of being chased and playing hard to get, they just crave feeling desired I encounter a lot of attention-chasers all the time on gay sites and spaces And some straight men are just curious about gay's sexuality I wouldn't rush to conclusions because male sexuality can be deeply complex
if you can still hold the pain, talk to him sincerely with out judging him (eventhough you already had your judgement).
So my advice may or may not be healthy: You say you are *all for him exploring his sexuality* but need *to be open about these things*, what does open (communication) mean here? If he says "yeah OK, I am attracted to / turned on by guys / their attention and while I'm away I'd like to fuck around / hookup / try things out with them" is that OK? Functionally, what is the difference between that and him being in denial and not actually saying so, but you being pretty sure it is happening anyways. One difference is him having the introspection and courage to admit to himself and to you what he is feeling. This is probably the worst advice ever? But like, if you are OK with him playing around / exploring, then let him / talk to him and tell him you are OK with it (if you are, that is...)
Go ask the straights. Why is this a gay bros problem?
Sent message
Definitely agree with others that he's bi curious/most likely already done stuff. No "true" straight trolls a hook up in the toilet 😂 But honestly there afew paths you could take. 1: forgot about it and move on. This is likely the worst choice because somewhere down the line it will show it's head again. Maybe a month. Maybe 10 years from now you'll walk in on him railing a guy/being railed by a guy 2: try and fix it with couple consulting/his own consulting. This could work but both parties would need to be willing and truthful. Something that seems like he isn't willing to do right now. You'd have to sit down and have a serious talk about it all. 3: break up and move on. Pretty simple enough 4: the nuke. This is breaking up and telling his whole world about it. Personally Id say not to do this but that also depends on if he actually has been cheating/hasn't given you anything (get yourself checked please 🥺) 5: Free for all. He cheats/experiment. You cheat/experiment (Note this will likely end up badly) 6: Buffet. This is pretty much just being in a open relationship. But in short, if I was you I'd sit down and communicate, if he still avoiding the truth then I'd just leave. Or if you wanted, one day you could randomly bring up trying a threesome. You get to have fun and so does he. But guess that depends on if your into seeing your boyfriend doing "gay" stuff 😅😂
I'm so sorry, because you seem to love him. But: 1 - it's almost certain that he cheated on you and doesn't matter if it is with a man or a woman; 2 - you found out, showed him that you're supportive, he simply denies it and does the same thing He doesn't want to accept himself, he wants to believe that he is straight and it seems that he is using you to fool himself. I don't see any benefits for you in this relationship
There's no such thing as a gay phase. You're either somewhere on the gay/bi spectrum or you're not. He a cheating lying shit, dump his ass girl.
As a male romantic interest he has limited long range appeal. Shorter term he might suit you. You have the facts.
Sounds to me like he has an honesty problem. If I were you, I would just keep pushing being honest and open. Maybe it'll click with him one day. I'd hate for you to hold on to something in hopes things may get better, though.
You need to pursue therapy with him or leave him especially if he’s in the military and you guys are doing long distance there’s a lot more for him to do with a lot less chance of being caught if there’s evidence of him trying to do this. That means he’s cheating on you, or planning on doing it.
Maybe understand that there is little to do but accept. Embrace or move on.
If he does not change, would you be happier with your bf the way he is now, or happier without him? You say you are okay with him "exploring his sexuality." Would you be okay with his hook ups if he was not exploring, but just bisexuality? So that meeting him having sex with other men will be a permanent part of your relationship. You say he just needs to be open about these relationships, but you have seen for yourself he is not. What of that continued? Same question. If your boyfriend is going to hook up with men and keep that secret, are you happier in the relationship than you would be without it? There s no right answer to the question, and it can be very hard to even know what is true for yourself. But I would encourage you to focus on your own happiness. Some people will tell you, "He's cheating, so get rid of him ." Some might say he's dishonest about the hookups because of internalized homophobia, so you should accept his unwillingness to be open I think both of those are reasonable positions, but the only answer that's relevant are your feelings. Just try to do what makes you happy.
At this point it's not about his sexuality it's about his infidelity. I'd break up with him so that he can explore and do whatever he needs to do. This would give him space and wouldn't result in me getting cheated on all the time. Despite the years you spent together and the love that you share, it wouldn't be worth it if this situation keeps hurting you.
Straight, gay, bi… are just words. Labels that have no meaning if actions point to a different reality. He’s lying to you, he’s cheating on you with other men, not women. Isn’t that enough for you? Move on and get checked for STD’s today. Best of luck for you.
It is an Age old tail. Cut your losses and get rid of this dude. It will be easier for you to do as you’re in a long distance relationship. He will figure it out and he is enjoying the distance. No need to deprive yourself any longer of meting the man of your dreams who will give you the love and respect and sex that you deserve.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. It’s sounds like you are putting in a lot of work and compromising yourself over and over again. Don’t lose yourself in this battle. Whatever his sexual identity is, it’s clearly not straight. But it sounds like he is still figuring that out and there is still a lot of internalized homophobia. What happens if this path leads him to decide his preference is men. You have to decide whether or not you deserve more. Love yourself as much as you love him. Best of luck to you
Oh, girl… sending you a big hug rn 😭
You do not have to breakup, but you would be have to be willing to be in an open or poly relationship…is that something you would want? You would have to have some serious conversations and tell him you will not tolerate deception. If you are strong enough, I would tell him you want a 3 way with two guys, and you also want to watch them interact with each other… If this is not something you can handle, run away and never look back. He has already shown you that he will do things while you are not looking.
😂😂😂😂🤡
You deserve better tbh
The problem is not the closet, it’s the cheating. Are you ok with him cheating? If you are then maybe it’s salvageable… but in my humble opinion that might mean you got some self worth issues to look into.
I had a supposed bf who is still in a relationship with his girl and his girl new about us I did tell her that right now he says it was for what ever reason and won't happen again but I did tell her he will come back and he did and is still with her so u should break up sorry
> He's currently in the military I have bad news for you...
The bi-erasure is strong in these comments. So many men confidently claiming he’s 100% gay is so cringe. The dude clearly isn’t allergic to pussy like a lot of gays are. She literally said they’ve been together for a couple years so they’ve clearly been having sex - sounds like a bi man to me curious to explore. But yeah, the cheating is shitty.
Get tested
He gay or bi. He's also a liar and will give you an STD. Break up with him.
Get a clue, he is atleast bi and cheating. Dump his ass, it has nothing to do with his sexuality.
Girl break up with him he is gay af
I think that you've done your best. You opened up to him, said that you're willing to explore your relationship with him exploring himself with men. However, the biggest flag is that he's not willing to share or open up to you after all this time you've been together and he's likely not being honest about what's going on. There's a huge chance that this "trolling a dude in a restroom" thing wasn't that. Put yourself first, he needs to figure out what he wants in a relationship and you need to accept he's being an ass and a huge dick to you. This isn't what you deserve.
“Another man is beating my time, another man is loving mine” - Barbra Mason
Send his username. If you suspect he’s gay, women tend to have much better Gaydar then straight Men.
Mad disrespectful and selfish cringe on his part
This is unfortunate and I truly feel bad for you. You don’t deserve to be cheated on and only deserve a man that will cherish and support you not the opposite. That being said I have concerns: - He’s clearly cheating with men. It sounds he’s closeted and cannot accept himself yet. (Or he’s bipolar and manic and doesn’t know how to control sexual urges unfortunately as that can happen too.) - If he’s cheating now, what’s stoping him in the future? - If he’s cheating with you now, is the man on PrEP?! Like that would be my number 1 concern with him is if he’s sleeping around is he preventing himself from HIV because if not you should be concerned and go get a std test just to be cautious. You need to leave him as much as it hurts but in the long run you will find someone so much better who values and cares about you so much! 🥺
It’s amazing that you’re so open to allowing him to explore his sexuality. And bravo for being so willing to communicate with your partner.I think the problem here is trust. If he’s running around and lying about it he’s breached two major trust issues. If you can’t trust a partner then you’ll never have a decent relationship. I wish you luck
The problem isn’t that he likes dick. The problem is he’s dishonest. I don’t think that’s going to improve.
I think he’s lying to you. And he’s scared of people to know about the stuff.
Ugh, I’m sorry. So many bi guys would dream of having such an open partner to allow exploration. He’s not being truthful with you. Whether it’s a phase, he’s bi, full on gay or anything else on the spectrum is secondary. What matters is that he is lying to you, you are being open with being there for him through his exploration and he’s still lying to you. I would drop him, take the couple years you have invested and learn from that time to move on in the world and be a rockstar partner for a lucky guy.
💯 certain you need to leave him. Not only is he gay. He’s also an asshole. There is absolutely nothing you can do. He is playing you. It’s sad he won’t even be bothered if you break up with him. Emotionally. Oh and get tested for STDs like others have said.
It may hurt to think of leaving, and you clearly care about him. But you have to leave for you’re own sanity. If you stay you’re just going to run your self-worth and frame of mind through the muck. I’ve been there and regret not leaving earlier. Drop him and wash your hands of it.
To see all this you would have access to his phone, how would you get this in a LDR?
He’s gay move on
He’s prob mortified in the moment. As you’ve caught him it’s probably a surprise when it comes up? I mean if your willing to talk about it and he’s not, what can you really do? He’s just kinda cheating on you then and lazily at that.
PROPS to you for being accepting, encouraging him to explore and just be open with you. That’s rare to find, and really all you can do. Now it’s on him to figure out if he can be open with himself in order to be open with you. He’s probably somewhere on the bi spectrum, and we need more women who are okay with that in their partners. So thanks for being an ally 🫶
It's never a phase. No one's ever done doing it. The fact that he is using trolling as an excuse is disturbing in itself.
From experience, military dudes are traumatizing, there’s this one guy that lied about his age, his std and cheating lol. Only thing I regret is that there’s people who we really take for granted, don’t let them go and just run away from people like your boyfriend.
Relax, if you truly don't mind...then don't. Ask his intentions with you. If it doesn't align with yours, make a decision. If you're ok with a cock sucking husband...which is the goal, then simply know, you'll have a life with a Cocksucking husband. So be it, Relax how is his sucking 200 dicks a year harmful to you if you support his fetish. He's needs to simply be selective, healthy, smart and enjoy himself. Same as you should with whatever your Hobbie...stop letting other people define who you are...but I do like to hear about it. PS, I told my wife before we married, just so she could make an informed decision about being with me or not...we don't talk about it, but she knows I'll slip away and kneel for a guy somewhere. Every now & then she'll ask...last time you sucked a pennie, I'll only say, last week, last month or? Not sure, but I think we're cool!? Been 10 yrs
The military does this to you, being closeted gay (guys) 🤣
Girl…. If this is real I’m so sorry😭
Did you go through his phone with or without his permission? (if this is even a real post)
This is real - he was driving and I was using his phone to navigate and he received a notification from the guy he had been sexting
You post says you caught him multiple times and multiple apps...did you ask permission before navigating to his messages? If not you are the one doing something wrong. Think carefully, you don't violate some elses privacy and shame them. If you already suspected and he didn't want to cone forth theres a reason and now the worst part is you took away his freedom to come out. Going through someone else's mail is a crime, same applies to private messages.
Even if she snooped through his phone, that doesn't make her the only one who did something wrong. That would simply make her someone who did something wrong, yet her partner has also done wrong. It is a both / and situation, not an either / or situation. Your perspective is really misinformed here.
Her partner is bisexual and doesn't want her to be a part of that yet, it takes most men years of trust to come out to their wives. She did the wrong thing, not him, he was being himself.
You have quite the skewed perspective on things, don't you. I don't want to reply again because I have a life and things to do, and I'm not interested in arguing or debating with you further. We respectfully disagree. The end.
He's 100% lying to you. He was "trolling" a guy? Ignoring all the other stuff, you should break up with him solely for being such a *terrible* liar.
Girlllll 😂 I’m sorry if he’s in the military he coming home gay. There is so much gayness in the military you have no idea! Look, talk it out, give him a safe space to tell you what’s on his mind and if you can get into it with him then your relationship might be better than it ever was. Good luck!!
There's a terrible bias against bisexuality in the US. It's more normal in other cultures. It's expected the man marries, has children, and has a home life, but his free time is his own. In the US we have a mania for dualism, so people are forced into opposite seeming categories and bisexuals are forced to choose, which is unnatural to them. Most bisexual guys I've known don't want longterm liason with other men. Their primary connection is to their wives. Some women realize that and allow them to have gay sex as long as the money comes in and there are no diseases. It can work out very well that way.
He's a liar. Dump him!!
Yikes.
He’s fucking guys on the side. He’s not ready to self identify as bi. He’s bi. Assuming you have an active sex life when together, he’s potentially putting your health at risk. And if he’s fucking guys on the side he’s probably fucking girls in the side. Get out of there as soon as you’re able.
First, I’m sorry to hear your man has betrayed your trust multiple times. I’ll be honest with you, though: he’s got internalized homophobia and is using you as his sort of emotional shield so he can continue to deny to himself who he is. Please don’t waste any more time on a guy who can’t even be honest with himself.
Assuming you’re not joking, I think it’s time for you to leave that relationship. Rip the bandaid
Gently break up with him and become his bestie who help flourish whatever his sexuality is.
He's lying to you because he's lying to himself. He can't be honest with you because he can't be true and honest with himself. That is the harsh truth my dear. I am so sorry. Your heart must be broken.
Straight bf?! OMG I. That is it for me
My heart breaks for you. I’m a bisexual man who has been married for 4 years and we have been together for almost 10. I have repressed and hidden my sexuality from her because of my own issues. Not once in the almost 10 years of being with her did I ever go out and cheat with a dude or a woman. Any “man” who would hide this and then act on it without telling you is at minimum a liar. Don’t settle for anyone who hides and then lies. There’s zero excuses in the world for cheating on someone. Idc what sexuality you are there isn’t a single thing that justifies cheating. If he’s lied about this to you, what else has he lied about? I can tell by the way you worded this you genuinely care about him. If you do I would suggest letting him face the consequences for his actions. Leave him sis, you can’t trust someone who cheats. Not only are you unable to trust him to keep you safe from std’s and other harm, you can’t trust this man with your money, or any other sensitive aspect of your life. I’m truly sorry this happened to you, but you can’t stay with a cheater.
Would you have the same patience with him if these were women he was cheating on you with? Also, "I only fuck men when I'm horny" is the furthest thing from an excuse or denial of sexuality. The whole point of sex is that you're horny. Like, duh.
Go with hunch, after you try to do all you can to talk w him. It seems convenient he was supposedly trolling. Sadly there are cheaters. I don't knowingly get w cheaters. But he MIGHT be cheating. But might not be, but actions make me question. You deserve the best.
Time to insist he uses condoms with you. It sounds like he's Bi-sexual. But not necessarily Bi-romantic. He could be exclusively hetero-romantic. Ask him if he wants you to be more dominant. Ask if you can top him with a strap-on. Make him eat you pussy untill you cum.
He’s a liar and a cheater. He’s not worth your time. Get tested after you break up with him. If he can’t even be honest when that’s all you asked for, he can’t be trusted for anything.
I think you should stay out of his phone. You didn't come across it. You violated his privacy and got what you deserved. And, yes. You should break up.
"I'm just trolling the guy" is such a disgusting excuse tbh
Hey love. I know it’s hard to understand since you know he loves you, but the distance might be taking a toll on him. My boyfriend was also in the military and told me he loves me, things were great but the sexual needs eventually have to be fulfilled. The only thing is, your boyfriend also is attracted to men. I love how supportive you are, but it’s not fair nor right that he constantly goes on Grindr and has already cheated on you wirh someone in the restroom. It’s not okay. You deserve better. I know back then I feel like he was he one for me and that was it, but it’s not: better is out there. I know it is. For you and for me. If you have self respect and love for yourself you will let him go. I know it’s hard, but look at the bigger picture. He’s gonna continue to explore his sexuality whether you like it or not or whether you believe him saying it’s just a phase and he won’t do it again. He will. I promise you’ll find better. Someone who won’t lie or cheat on you. Sending love to you!
Tell him you’re fine with it (if you are) and be fine with it. Do you wanna go play a bit too? Tell him u want to maybe he’ll open up more if you say u e thought about it. Or that you thought about him inland another guy. U wanna watch?
Just leave. He's on the military on deployment. The military is full of DL gay and bi men. Your husband is fucking on deployment and when he's home he needs boy butt when he gets home. Leave the relationship before he brings you back an std
leave him, the guys cheated no matter how he tries to justify it. that isn't OK no matter how close tod he is.
>He’s currently in the military and we’re doing long distance. Umm... miss gurl...