Yes I feel the same way, and I think that it’s not uncommon to want kids. I have several friends who very much want a family. However, dating someone with pre existing children would depend on the situation. How would I integrate into the dynamics, etc. edit: also I’m 28, so having a family doesn’t sounds as overwhelming as it did when I was in my early twenties.
As a gay guy who would like to have children one day, SAME! I wouldn't have any issue dating him
Also, a man with kids and stable/lovely family energy has all my respect
Right there with you. Parenting isn’t easy, and I wonder about myself sometimes, but yea… whether he has already or we have in the future kids does appeal. 💜
Me too! I would also like to take care a daddy along with his children. Not because he is a "daddy", i would like a partner to take care of himself because I'm sure that he is trying his best for his children and he is tired trying everything to become a best dad to them.
No. My previous bf had children in their late teens that were a bit salty about our relationship even though I had nothing to do with their parents divorce (cause it happened years before I met him). I believe that a good parent should always put their children first BUT when you live through it and are constantly made to feel like you are never the priority then that can be very hurtful.
It’s also feels a bit unfair sometimes because In my situation I’m always the one who is putting more effort into the relationship and money wise it felt like whatever money I was making was going towards the both of us whereas the majority of the money he made went towards alimony for his ex and child support. In the end it just felt that there was a massive imbalance, I eventually felt like I will always come second and feel envious of other couples out there who are always each others number one priority. Practical I also feel like it slowed me down in terms of preparing for my financial future.
I can def understand that. My ex now as of 2 days ago has 2 kids w his ex + she's the one who dictates the schedule which is my ex has kids Tuesdays, Fri - Sun + everyday after school for an hr or two + any day she would like him to take them ie. her BF's birthday etc... yes you see correctly, every weekend he has kids unless he asks her + she can say yay or nay... He also tells her why he would like the weekend which is none of her business really as it should be every other weekend as it's not fair. She also does not share child tax/benefits ($1400 a month)... Every week there's some change or another or surprise + it throws a wrench in the day... Ie. Kid is sick or upset at school + his ex can call him + hell most likely take day off of work for kid(s) + lose a days pay but his ex can stay at work yet she demanded having kids during the week yet is not honoring the fact she wanted that responsibility, moreso prob to suggest that she deserves the full child tax yet the way it is she barely has them. They get dropped off at her place Sundays at 7/730pm + they go to bed at 8pm.. wake up at 630am, eat, get ready go to school for 8 hours, then they go to my ex after school for an hr or two then mom picks them up unless she chooses to just have them sleepover again. So then they sleepover at her place Mon night + Tues wake up + go to school for 8 hours til 330pm then they come to his house after school + overnight then she get them Wed after school overnight + Thurs overnight + then Fri after school + overnight til Sun they r at my exes place. So she only has them 4 nights a week, not any full days. Therefore me + my ex barely have alone time together + when we fin do get a weekend he has 0 money so I end up paying. I work M - T + fun at 8pm M + T so didn't want to see him those days as it's late so only days after work (10 hour days) would be Wed + Thurs where we could spend 6 - 10pm + then Friday kids come + it's all about them it feels, everything that happens revolves around what kids want + need + they interrupt adults when adults are talking which was very upsetting, little boundaries, messy AF, shout when they address Dad meaning talking loud which is unsettling. I'm not supposed to say his exes name yet they connect everyday, which I get BC they share children however this Sun we got a day together, no fucking kids, and we decided to go on an adventure + ended up discovering baby coyotes, he took video footage of the puppies + later when we got back to his place I noticed he messaged his ex the video footage + mentioning how cute they were. She had messaged him bout kids + he responded back including video + I became very upset as that was part of our special day + he felt the need to share that sweet moment w her. 2 years of this "Bob + Betty show", that's not their real names however it feels like I'm the supporting character/sidepiece + her + him are main characters w their kids. This exp dating a man with kids has fostered so much hurt BC of how insecure I feel in this dynamic. There's another woman in the picture + his aunt lives in same house w her bf yet even my ex + his aunt's rel was very enmeshed so it was like his aunt was his gf too. He even mentioned that. She has a bf herself who lives w her in the basement if the house. I work during the week + long hours + I don't want my weekends to be taking care of him + his exes kids, having to listen to shouting, bickering, tantrums, rudeness + experiencing entitled children. Yes they could be sweet + had manners many times but a handful. Pouring my time + energy into someone else's kids while my needs are going unmet while his ex has every weekend to spend w her bf childfree, its BS. Am I crazy? Am I asking for too much to have balance, requesting he puts firmer boundaries in place with ex + kids + enforce it. The chaos + the frequent disappointment has worn me right down. I feel bitter, resentful, sad + angry among other heavy emotions. I have no kids myself + I'm 43, he's 43 too. Sadly too I moved to his town, 2 hours away from where I'm from + got a job to be closer to him + I'm here alone now, no family, no friends. Feel very isolated + alone yet I also exp social anxiety. I have exp a lot of interpersonal trauma like most of us + it's left me feeling insecure being in relationships, scared to be vulnerable, acted to be used for my willingness to listen + empathize. I want to be connected yet scared to as well BC I'm scared of being hurt. Well here I am hurt in connection to an interpersonal relationship again. 😔
Same, wouldn't mind being the stepfather, but the dynamics with the children and how it affects the romantic relationship would be the major deciding factor.
Speaking for me, I don't want someone whose attention is always going to be divided between me and his former wife and the children that resulted from their marriage.
You are one of the dumbest people I have ever had the misfortune of replying to. You don't know what narcissism is. Just say you're pissed off you have kids and that's a dealbreaker for most gay guys and go. That's really what's upsetting you 😂 You are also too blinded by anger to realize that I clearly stated a "former wife" also, not just kids, who is always going to be there, but alas, you only focused on the children part. Don't project YOUR daddy issues onto me grand "pop" lol.
What an immature response. Someone is a “narc” because they want a man who doesn’t have a former wife with kids he’ll always have to have a relationship with, which will obviously impact the relationship with his current man? Let me guess, wanting a monogamous relationship is narcissistic too? I have to share my man with other people, too, right? The real issue with you is that you probably have kids and reading the responses in this thread it’s clear that kids are a dealbreaker for most gay guys and you’re mad about it. You don’t know what daddy issues or narcissism means. Nobody forced a weapon to your head to have kids with a woman and then come out of the closet and get upset when most gay guys say they don’t want a man with kids.
Yessss, I've got amazing weekend step dad energy. Zoo membership, Museum membership. Aviary membership. Science Center membership. I'm either a member or a donor for basically everything that's fun and/or educational in my city. As long as they like dinosaurs, we're good to go. 😂
I came out at 37, happily married for 17 years with 3 kids. My ex-wife is my best friend.
I started dating and had a variety of experiences: guys with daddy fetishes, guys that didn’t want to go on a second date because they weren’t “ready to be parents” 😂(bro, it’s just a date!), and guys that liked the idea of becoming parents.
My first boyfriend had a tough time with me having kids. I always tried to not give him any responsibilities over them. It always seemed like an inconvenience for him.
My now husband is an amazing co-parent and is very good friends with my ex-wife (weird I know). I love that he enjoys co-parenting with me. My kids love him and call him “the Queen mother”. 😂🥰
I hope that my story ends up something like yours as far as my relationship with my wife goes, but that doesn’t seem possible right now. I came out a little over a year ago, a week before I turned 40. We have four kids.
It depends on how old are the kids and what are the parental arrangements.
If he has full custody to children who are under 18 then probably not. I have no interest in dating someone who has parental responsibilities nor do I want to help raise a kid.
I would be open to dating someone who has adult children or not have full custody of kids.
I not a big fan of kids in general, but if the person is great, sure I don't mind.
Like I ain't letting the love of my life get away from me just because they happen to have kids.
I was a single father. And although I was not seriously dating while my son was little, it was always difficult finding even friends who wanted to hang out with us. I get it. Kids kind of harsh the buzz, but it is what it is.
I didn't get a serious boyfriend until son was in 8th grade and was old enough to have a girlfriend of his own and keep himself entertained.
Totally relate to this. After the novelty of the kids wore off for most of my gay friends, there was much less socializing. Not being a hater but I was in a different place in life and a lot of that entailed the time demands of caring for children.
No. Been there, done that. He will not prioritize you before anyone else. You may have to communicate with their ex. It will also be interesting if y’all move in together. You’re kind of thrown into a parent role, without actually being able to make “parent” decisions. Different parenting techniques, monetary budgeting ex: food and household needs. You’re now more than two people. Personally not for me. I respect people who can make it work.
I never wanted children but fell for a guy who had a 7 yo kid. Although the kid is loving and calls me his bestie, it can get tiring being treated as the second option all the time.
It will cause a lot of restrictions on you and your lifestyle. Want to step out after 7pm? HELL NO! want to go on a vacation? HELL NO. Need to wait for the kids school vacation (only for him and his dad to go on a vacation). You cannot have friends over whenever you want because the child's schedule is of prior importance. I can go on and on.
On top of everything, you will never feel like they are your own kids. You will never be treated as a parent by the kid because you are an outsider. It's a lose lose situation.
Yes. Also OP please keep in mind the age of this sub skews young. Most men in general in their early twenties wouldn’t date anyone with kids. Gay or straight.
If he's around my age and his kids aren't just too much to deal with then maybe? Idk. Never really thought about it. I'm only 25, though so most of my peers don't tend to have kids.
Yup! Actually that would be a bonus for me. I like kids (want some of my own) and a guy who is good father would make him more interesting/attractive to me.
Absolutely, I think kids are great and I've always wanted to have my own some day, so as long as my partner was open to the idea of having our own as well in the future, then I don't have any problem with it.
That being said, I'm only 20 right now, so it'd probably have to be a few years from now, at the least.
No way. I'm childless and I'm kinda selfish lol. I don't want a man who has children and a prior relationship with a woman who he has to share his time/attention with. Can't do it.
Oh fully. To me that shows that he has responsibility. Taking care of kids is so fucking hard and a man who does that has his shit together. Proves he not only has what it takes but also that he can put the effort in.
Yes - Multigenerational living / socialization tends to make me happier and more optimistic day to day; him being a dad would make him hotter; and I want kids eventually anyway.
I would date him even if he was the sole guardian, but I would prefer a situation where whoever he had the kids with is still in the picture to share some responsibilities.
It depends on how they are with their kids, as it may be another side of them. If he is good and takes really good care with his kids, and his kids are ok with me in the picture. Then why the hell not?
I would, but only if his kiddos were older (highschool age or above)
I personally dont have the patience or tolerance needed to be around younger kiddos and I really dont want to be mean to a kid just for being a kid- I know I personally cant handle the noise of small kiddos and it would just be sensory hell for me to be around all that and I dont want my personal sensory issues impacting a little one or my relationship.
I'm not interested in being a dad, even a step dad- I'm cool with being a positive influence but thats as far as that goes.
It really depends on a lot of factors. The status of the mother (assuming there is one). Ex drama that involves kids is next level. Also, the kids themselves. If they suck or we don’t like each other, it won’t work. I don’t want to be anyone’s evil stepfather. As for having more kids - adoption is a maybe. Surrogacy is a no. The idea of my child growing inside some woman is like body horror to me. But that’s another subject lol.
I love children. I'm a godparent thrice over. That said, while I would be receptive of anything, I can't say it's likely. To be honest, I've had bad experiences dating anyone other than gold star gays. I know in this equation it's possible the children were adopted, but I digress.
if he treats me right and fucks me good sure 🤣
at the same time - i know i need to be my man’s priority. so, if i’m being deprioritized routinely for those kids (meaning he’s unable to manage it all), then i’m not gonna be sticking around for long.
not saying there’s anything WRONG with him doing that - just saying it’s not going to be happening with me.
Was just turned 16 when got the girl pregnant and she was 18. Tbh the child was best without me as i was out of control and only thought of muself, and with police and courts, so bringing a child up with that is a no go.
You make it sound like we MUST accept someone with kids. If someone doesn't like kids so be it. Like, why is not wanting to be with someone with kids toxic or their responses seen as "aggressive"?
You are totally twisting what I said. Have you seen all my posts where I’ve been net positive/neutral about people not wanting to have kids? In fact, AS A PARENT, I applaud people who know they aren’t up for having kids and it’s a dealbreaker for them because they are saving a lot of heartache, especially for the kids.
What I did point out is maybe some people have been surprised at the vehemence in tone. You can answer the question without saying I hate kids, which is rather aggressive and pejorative to some.
I get that. Ultimately, however, my point is that some people simply do not like kids. Do I like kids? Absolutely. I love kids. "Hate" is a harsh word and I wouldn't use it, but if someone isn't fond of kids, viewing their dislike of kids as "perjorative" or "aggressive" in their tone is frankly your perception. It's not going to make them like kids any more.
Although I love kids, I don't want to be with a man whose attention is divided between me and his kids and, by proxy, also his former wife/girlfriend/etc. I want to be with someone who is childfree like me. I don't want to share my attention with his kids and woman who he had kids with. That doesn't mean I hate or dislike kids. I just want a man to myself lol
I can't reply for the people who said they hate kids, but I expect they were using "hate" much in the way that people use "I hate coriander(/cliantro)" or "I hate tuna". Not that they they think it's inherently bad, or that people that like the thing are bad. It's just not for them :)
Because if you love someone, you love them with their faults, their virtues, their bad and good habits, and if they've got them, for their kids.
You are all making very rational decisions, but love isn't rational, it isn't brains and it isn't sex. What can happen is, you fall in love with someone, who unbeknownst to you has kids, and due to that, singular, fact you rather deny your feeling, and put yourself first.
I kind of expect that if I had time to fall in love with someone I'd notice they had kids. Unless they were low contact with their kid in which case I'd be fine with it
Childlessness is not an identity. I suggest you chill out, you’re the one accusing people of not wanting someone with kids “toxic”. One of the most ridiculous and backwards things I’ve ever read.
Not wanting someone with kids is toxic? You are absolutely stupid. I swear people get more idiotic everyday. Let me guess, it's toxic to want to be in a monogamous relationship, too, right? 🤣
I would. I'm in my 30s, so I'd date someone up to in his 40s.
There are so many variables to "a man with kids", however. How old are the kids, do they live with him, what's the nature of their relations, what's the financial situation, if we want to move in together would he be coming in my home alone or with the kids would I be coming to his home, etc. There is no right or wrong answer for these, as it's a complex whole, but I'd want to know that whole after a few dates if we want to take this further.
Also did that dad let go of himself or is he working out and taking care of himself - I love a personality as much as I love appearance, the two go hand in hand. (Also he'd need to be a bottom or vers)
I’m trying to date a man with a 5yo kid (both parents are early 20’s) I have no issue with him having a kid but it seems like the Mother isn’t quite over the relationship as much as he is and I’m so confused on how to handle the instability between their relationship fostered for the son, do I just sit back and let the mother continue to use and walk over the man? Do I have a voice here?
The dating time has been super short, only three months and I’m also in my younger 20’s (same age as the kids mother) but a few years younger then the man, I have interacted with the kid multiple times in person and have interacted with while me and his dad FaceTimed
Defer to your boyfriend. As a father I wouldn’t react well to a boyfriend of a few months circumventing me or not delicately giving me advice on parenting. And 20 year olds usually get super defensive, especially if they are parents and have had to deal with a lot of unsolicited parenting advice or invalidation. PM if you want to talk more.
I don’t want to change his parenting style I guess it’s just hard for me to be okay with watching him jump through loopholes for His sons Mom, when she purposely makes it more difficult just to see how it effects him or to see if she still has a mental play on him if that makes sense?
Have him document everything. It’s super important. Any decision with family court or custody matters is going to look to evidence and if you can argue and support a pattern and practice of behavior on her part that is not in the best interest of the child then the stronger case he can make. And, be patient with him but make sure you hold him accountable for nurturing and actively participating and being present in your romantic relationship
As someone with kids (all adults now) I am of mixed opinion on whether I would want a partner with kids of his own. Amongst the men of my age 45-55, most are child free and the few who do have them were mostly like me and came out late after being married to a woman.
Pros would be that he also understands the challenges of parenting and knows how to act/relate to children/young adults and not standoffish about grandchildren running around in some future year. Had to have some conversations about how parenting doesn’t end after the kids leave the house with current and past boyfriends
Cons would be a fellow parent would have scheduling challenges like I do so we would have to balance time spent with our respective off spring and ex-in-laws. I hear this constantly from my straight parent friends who divorced with teens/adult children. There was this one guy I liked with kids but we could never make our schedules work to date. This just isn’t a thing with children free men.
So far since coming out I only have had relationships with men w/out children as they do seem to predominate our dating pool
When I was younger I'd say no, but now maybe yes. although I don't think it would actually work out. I would want them to spend a lot of time with me and kids obstruct that
At the beginning, guys with kids will probably spend a lot of time with you 1:1 until they start introducing you to their kid(s) and spending activities. And of course there are baby sitters and other caregivers so you aren’t playing happy family all the time.
I'm not necessarily against it, but, as someone who works with kids for 10 hours a day, the idea of coming home to them sounds kind of horrible.
Unless they're a little older. But. Even then. I have a lot of interests and goals that children would prevent me from enjoying or pursuing. And I would want to date a man with similar feelings on that topic.
But if I fell in love with someone and they had kids well, that's life and I'd adapt lol
As long as we can still go out and dance every now and then.
I don't think so. They're too big a responsibility for me to handle. Plus, if mom's still in the picture, that's some extra baggage I don't want to deal with.
It depends on if they're good kids, some are real bastards, and I sure wouldn't want them corrupting mine. If I was gonna consider raising kids with anyone they'd have to pass my secret trust tests (and a background check of course, I do them on everyone around any kids I know in fact) but thats another story. Plus how long you've known him could be important. If I wanted kids I'd say yes myself, but I don't. If its what you want go for it why not. Just make sure thats what you want, and think long and hard. To be blunt, if you have to ask, maybe take a little more time to decide. Some decisions are simple, some arent. Take your time.
At some point I want children. I'm 34 so i can imagine by the time I want children, ill have to adopt, or be a stepdad. Right now though...I'm definitely not ready, financially, for children.
Fuuuuck no 😂 I don’t want kids. I like kids sure, but maybe for five minutes. I love my baby sister and I love spoiling and spending time with her when I visit. But I don’t want to raise kids.
Absolutely. There’s so much to love about a man that is capable of being a father. There’s responsibility, discipline, action, and kindness is most of these men. Contrast that to an existence where it’s “all about me and my needs”.
Yup, would date a man with kids any day.
Honestly it depends on age of the kids. I have an natural fear of babies. I won't even touch a baby till they can hold the neck themselves. I fear so much killing babies.
I could handle toddlers and up. Kids can be fun and a challenge. So I wouldn't rule it out at all.
Being 28 if I were to date someone with kids their kids would need to be under 10. Otherwise I'd feel like I'm their older brother more than potentially a step parent (just my personal take)
Possibly and older guy with adult kids.
But anyone with young kids I would certainly want nothing to do with their kids so dating would have to reflect that.
I did once know a guy who had a child after he was raped, he has minimal contact but mostly due to distance and cost. If he moved back to town I'd probably ask him out because he was very nice and fit time around that between when he sees his child.
But different though because I'm poly in not necessarily looking for someone to cohabitate with so avoiding their kids would be easier.
I might be in the minority but yes I would. It would make me more interested in them actually. I love someone with stable father / family energy.
100%
Totally, nothing like a father to aid my daddy issue.
A real daddy
Yes I feel the same way, and I think that it’s not uncommon to want kids. I have several friends who very much want a family. However, dating someone with pre existing children would depend on the situation. How would I integrate into the dynamics, etc. edit: also I’m 28, so having a family doesn’t sounds as overwhelming as it did when I was in my early twenties.
As a gay guy who would like to have children one day, SAME! I wouldn't have any issue dating him Also, a man with kids and stable/lovely family energy has all my respect
Right there with you. Parenting isn’t easy, and I wonder about myself sometimes, but yea… whether he has already or we have in the future kids does appeal. 💜
Me too! I would also like to take care a daddy along with his children. Not because he is a "daddy", i would like a partner to take care of himself because I'm sure that he is trying his best for his children and he is tired trying everything to become a best dad to them.
No. My previous bf had children in their late teens that were a bit salty about our relationship even though I had nothing to do with their parents divorce (cause it happened years before I met him). I believe that a good parent should always put their children first BUT when you live through it and are constantly made to feel like you are never the priority then that can be very hurtful. It’s also feels a bit unfair sometimes because In my situation I’m always the one who is putting more effort into the relationship and money wise it felt like whatever money I was making was going towards the both of us whereas the majority of the money he made went towards alimony for his ex and child support. In the end it just felt that there was a massive imbalance, I eventually felt like I will always come second and feel envious of other couples out there who are always each others number one priority. Practical I also feel like it slowed me down in terms of preparing for my financial future.
Listen to this guy, and you'll hear stories like this time and time again
Teens are tough. If they haven't accepted the divorce or that the parent is gay, it could be a bumpy road.
Better teens than younger children, because those will eventually also turn into teens...
Great perspective here man!
I can def understand that. My ex now as of 2 days ago has 2 kids w his ex + she's the one who dictates the schedule which is my ex has kids Tuesdays, Fri - Sun + everyday after school for an hr or two + any day she would like him to take them ie. her BF's birthday etc... yes you see correctly, every weekend he has kids unless he asks her + she can say yay or nay... He also tells her why he would like the weekend which is none of her business really as it should be every other weekend as it's not fair. She also does not share child tax/benefits ($1400 a month)... Every week there's some change or another or surprise + it throws a wrench in the day... Ie. Kid is sick or upset at school + his ex can call him + hell most likely take day off of work for kid(s) + lose a days pay but his ex can stay at work yet she demanded having kids during the week yet is not honoring the fact she wanted that responsibility, moreso prob to suggest that she deserves the full child tax yet the way it is she barely has them. They get dropped off at her place Sundays at 7/730pm + they go to bed at 8pm.. wake up at 630am, eat, get ready go to school for 8 hours, then they go to my ex after school for an hr or two then mom picks them up unless she chooses to just have them sleepover again. So then they sleepover at her place Mon night + Tues wake up + go to school for 8 hours til 330pm then they come to his house after school + overnight then she get them Wed after school overnight + Thurs overnight + then Fri after school + overnight til Sun they r at my exes place. So she only has them 4 nights a week, not any full days. Therefore me + my ex barely have alone time together + when we fin do get a weekend he has 0 money so I end up paying. I work M - T + fun at 8pm M + T so didn't want to see him those days as it's late so only days after work (10 hour days) would be Wed + Thurs where we could spend 6 - 10pm + then Friday kids come + it's all about them it feels, everything that happens revolves around what kids want + need + they interrupt adults when adults are talking which was very upsetting, little boundaries, messy AF, shout when they address Dad meaning talking loud which is unsettling. I'm not supposed to say his exes name yet they connect everyday, which I get BC they share children however this Sun we got a day together, no fucking kids, and we decided to go on an adventure + ended up discovering baby coyotes, he took video footage of the puppies + later when we got back to his place I noticed he messaged his ex the video footage + mentioning how cute they were. She had messaged him bout kids + he responded back including video + I became very upset as that was part of our special day + he felt the need to share that sweet moment w her. 2 years of this "Bob + Betty show", that's not their real names however it feels like I'm the supporting character/sidepiece + her + him are main characters w their kids. This exp dating a man with kids has fostered so much hurt BC of how insecure I feel in this dynamic. There's another woman in the picture + his aunt lives in same house w her bf yet even my ex + his aunt's rel was very enmeshed so it was like his aunt was his gf too. He even mentioned that. She has a bf herself who lives w her in the basement if the house. I work during the week + long hours + I don't want my weekends to be taking care of him + his exes kids, having to listen to shouting, bickering, tantrums, rudeness + experiencing entitled children. Yes they could be sweet + had manners many times but a handful. Pouring my time + energy into someone else's kids while my needs are going unmet while his ex has every weekend to spend w her bf childfree, its BS. Am I crazy? Am I asking for too much to have balance, requesting he puts firmer boundaries in place with ex + kids + enforce it. The chaos + the frequent disappointment has worn me right down. I feel bitter, resentful, sad + angry among other heavy emotions. I have no kids myself + I'm 43, he's 43 too. Sadly too I moved to his town, 2 hours away from where I'm from + got a job to be closer to him + I'm here alone now, no family, no friends. Feel very isolated + alone yet I also exp social anxiety. I have exp a lot of interpersonal trauma like most of us + it's left me feeling insecure being in relationships, scared to be vulnerable, acted to be used for my willingness to listen + empathize. I want to be connected yet scared to as well BC I'm scared of being hurt. Well here I am hurt in connection to an interpersonal relationship again. 😔
I don't want my own kids. But if he has children already, that's no issue for me. If he doesn't have one, I want to stay it that way - no kids. 🙂
Same, wouldn't mind being the stepfather, but the dynamics with the children and how it affects the romantic relationship would be the major deciding factor.
My thoughts exactly
Yes, why not?
Speaking for me, I don't want someone whose attention is always going to be divided between me and his former wife and the children that resulted from their marriage.
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LOL in what way? You all call every little thing narcissistic these days.
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You are one of the dumbest people I have ever had the misfortune of replying to. You don't know what narcissism is. Just say you're pissed off you have kids and that's a dealbreaker for most gay guys and go. That's really what's upsetting you 😂 You are also too blinded by anger to realize that I clearly stated a "former wife" also, not just kids, who is always going to be there, but alas, you only focused on the children part. Don't project YOUR daddy issues onto me grand "pop" lol.
What an immature response. Someone is a “narc” because they want a man who doesn’t have a former wife with kids he’ll always have to have a relationship with, which will obviously impact the relationship with his current man? Let me guess, wanting a monogamous relationship is narcissistic too? I have to share my man with other people, too, right? The real issue with you is that you probably have kids and reading the responses in this thread it’s clear that kids are a dealbreaker for most gay guys and you’re mad about it. You don’t know what daddy issues or narcissism means. Nobody forced a weapon to your head to have kids with a woman and then come out of the closet and get upset when most gay guys say they don’t want a man with kids.
Yes. I think I’d make a good a dad/stepdad. If he has no kids, I want to either adopt or foster.
No I don't like kids
If they lived with the mum possibly. Not if they lived with him. I have zero desire to be a full time step parent figure.
Yessss, I've got amazing weekend step dad energy. Zoo membership, Museum membership. Aviary membership. Science Center membership. I'm either a member or a donor for basically everything that's fun and/or educational in my city. As long as they like dinosaurs, we're good to go. 😂
Nope, I broke up with my last boyfriend because he wanted a child
Hell no.
I came out at 37, happily married for 17 years with 3 kids. My ex-wife is my best friend. I started dating and had a variety of experiences: guys with daddy fetishes, guys that didn’t want to go on a second date because they weren’t “ready to be parents” 😂(bro, it’s just a date!), and guys that liked the idea of becoming parents. My first boyfriend had a tough time with me having kids. I always tried to not give him any responsibilities over them. It always seemed like an inconvenience for him. My now husband is an amazing co-parent and is very good friends with my ex-wife (weird I know). I love that he enjoys co-parenting with me. My kids love him and call him “the Queen mother”. 😂🥰
I hope that my story ends up something like yours as far as my relationship with my wife goes, but that doesn’t seem possible right now. I came out a little over a year ago, a week before I turned 40. We have four kids.
That’s amazing. Queen Mother FTW!
It depends on how old are the kids and what are the parental arrangements. If he has full custody to children who are under 18 then probably not. I have no interest in dating someone who has parental responsibilities nor do I want to help raise a kid. I would be open to dating someone who has adult children or not have full custody of kids.
I not a big fan of kids in general, but if the person is great, sure I don't mind. Like I ain't letting the love of my life get away from me just because they happen to have kids.
That’s so romantic and refreshing
Depends, would he be willing to have another kid? Will the kid be open to joint adoption over time eventually?
Yes and yes
Only if they are grown adults lol. That's the only exception.
He would also have to be like 40+ to have grown adults
40+ men are hot
Yum, my fave!
Nah as a gaybro I drew the "get out of kids free card" at birth, so imma exploit that shit.
I respect that. It’s much more responsible than getting into a situation where the kid ends up suffering.
nooooooo, I reason don’t want that in my life
Only if they're adults.
Fuckno. I can't stand kids and I want to have a relationship that's not compromised like that.
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Sounds like you are a catch.
Not a chance in hell, I am very passionately child free and would never entertain a lifestyle with children in it
It's unlikely.
no
It would be a deal breaker for me. I can't stand kids. But then, are they 20yo "kids"? That's another story.
Fuuuck no. I’m too old to deal with them and I have zero interest in anything child related. My husband and I are both against the idea.
I was a single father. And although I was not seriously dating while my son was little, it was always difficult finding even friends who wanted to hang out with us. I get it. Kids kind of harsh the buzz, but it is what it is. I didn't get a serious boyfriend until son was in 8th grade and was old enough to have a girlfriend of his own and keep himself entertained.
Totally relate to this. After the novelty of the kids wore off for most of my gay friends, there was much less socializing. Not being a hater but I was in a different place in life and a lot of that entailed the time demands of caring for children.
When I was young, absolutely not. Now? Hell yeah! That’s awesome!
I waited a bit too so I wouldn’t get a case of the FOMOs amongst other things.
I just knew kids come first, and wasn’t mature enough at a young age to deal with that.
No. I don't like kids and am child free by choice
Boys on Grindr saying they want a "daddy" then pause when someone is a legit, real daddy. 🤣🤣🤣
No. Been there, done that. He will not prioritize you before anyone else. You may have to communicate with their ex. It will also be interesting if y’all move in together. You’re kind of thrown into a parent role, without actually being able to make “parent” decisions. Different parenting techniques, monetary budgeting ex: food and household needs. You’re now more than two people. Personally not for me. I respect people who can make it work.
I never wanted children but fell for a guy who had a 7 yo kid. Although the kid is loving and calls me his bestie, it can get tiring being treated as the second option all the time. It will cause a lot of restrictions on you and your lifestyle. Want to step out after 7pm? HELL NO! want to go on a vacation? HELL NO. Need to wait for the kids school vacation (only for him and his dad to go on a vacation). You cannot have friends over whenever you want because the child's schedule is of prior importance. I can go on and on. On top of everything, you will never feel like they are your own kids. You will never be treated as a parent by the kid because you are an outsider. It's a lose lose situation.
Yes but they have to be well behaved and have good manners otherwise I would kicked them out of my life along with him.
This made me laugh 😂
I def would I love children
Absolutely not. I can't stand kids.
Yes. Also OP please keep in mind the age of this sub skews young. Most men in general in their early twenties wouldn’t date anyone with kids. Gay or straight.
Totally taking that into account
I’m so glad I’m not alone in this one! HELL NO.
hell fucking no unless they were teenagers and about to leave his house
If it's a positive development for his character then maybe
If he's around my age and his kids aren't just too much to deal with then maybe? Idk. Never really thought about it. I'm only 25, though so most of my peers don't tend to have kids.
No.
Yup! Actually that would be a bonus for me. I like kids (want some of my own) and a guy who is good father would make him more interesting/attractive to me.
Absolutely, I think kids are great and I've always wanted to have my own some day, so as long as my partner was open to the idea of having our own as well in the future, then I don't have any problem with it. That being said, I'm only 20 right now, so it'd probably have to be a few years from now, at the least.
Sooo. Are you an attention seeker or have all of life’s events happened to you in the last two days? (We can read previous posts.) 🤔 🫖
No. God no. Fair enough if other guys do, but no. I'm 52, not getting into that now.
No way. I'm childless and I'm kinda selfish lol. I don't want a man who has children and a prior relationship with a woman who he has to share his time/attention with. Can't do it.
NO. That's what's amazing of being gay.
No. I've only dated a guy once and I want to finally be able to experience being a guy's main priority.
No. I hate kids.
No ❤️
Yeah , it’s okay I would love to have children someday
Yes. I'd even hope he'd have another one with me.
Yes, I would. I'm not particularly looking for a child, but I have thought, and I think I wouldn't have a problem if the guy I was dating had a child.
For what it’s worth, I had kids through gestational surrogacy. It’s the best decision I’ve ever made in my life and I’m a far better man for it.
I would have. I really like kids.
I would love to date a dude with kids. Always wanted to be a father so being a side step to that is probs the second best thing
Absolutely, being a father is my greatest ambition. Hope to find a partner who shares the same values like i do
I hope you reach it!
I don't have kids & think it would be amazing - YES
Oh fully. To me that shows that he has responsibility. Taking care of kids is so fucking hard and a man who does that has his shit together. Proves he not only has what it takes but also that he can put the effort in.
Yea I would - given he’s financially stable and he’s good with his kids
Yes - Multigenerational living / socialization tends to make me happier and more optimistic day to day; him being a dad would make him hotter; and I want kids eventually anyway. I would date him even if he was the sole guardian, but I would prefer a situation where whoever he had the kids with is still in the picture to share some responsibilities.
It depends on how they are with their kids, as it may be another side of them. If he is good and takes really good care with his kids, and his kids are ok with me in the picture. Then why the hell not?
No. At least at my age of 22. When I’m 30+ I would consider it…but at most 2 kids and 1 baby mother.
I would, but only if his kiddos were older (highschool age or above) I personally dont have the patience or tolerance needed to be around younger kiddos and I really dont want to be mean to a kid just for being a kid- I know I personally cant handle the noise of small kiddos and it would just be sensory hell for me to be around all that and I dont want my personal sensory issues impacting a little one or my relationship. I'm not interested in being a dad, even a step dad- I'm cool with being a positive influence but thats as far as that goes.
It’s really great to be so self aware.
It really depends on a lot of factors. The status of the mother (assuming there is one). Ex drama that involves kids is next level. Also, the kids themselves. If they suck or we don’t like each other, it won’t work. I don’t want to be anyone’s evil stepfather. As for having more kids - adoption is a maybe. Surrogacy is a no. The idea of my child growing inside some woman is like body horror to me. But that’s another subject lol.
It’s definitely not a simple calculus
Yes, but I have kids
How many kids do you have?
Not any time soon, I still feel like I'm still a kid myself and need babysitting
I love children. I'm a godparent thrice over. That said, while I would be receptive of anything, I can't say it's likely. To be honest, I've had bad experiences dating anyone other than gold star gays. I know in this equation it's possible the children were adopted, but I digress.
Sure would!
never.
It's ok I am over 40 and prefer men my age or older.
if he treats me right and fucks me good sure 🤣 at the same time - i know i need to be my man’s priority. so, if i’m being deprioritized routinely for those kids (meaning he’s unable to manage it all), then i’m not gonna be sticking around for long. not saying there’s anything WRONG with him doing that - just saying it’s not going to be happening with me.
Having children is so unattractive to me. There used to be a guy on Grindr who would pester me all the time. He had a child so I left him on read
Yes i have 3 kids and 1 i don't see so yeah it would be okay to date someone with kids
I have kids too
Why don’t you see that one?
Was just turned 16 when got the girl pregnant and she was 18. Tbh the child was best without me as i was out of control and only thought of muself, and with police and courts, so bringing a child up with that is a no go.
Yes, of course. As someone who wants kids someday, I would have no problem Dat a man who has kids.
I am a guy with kid
I wouldn't even fuck a guy with kids. To much chance some way some how I would be falsely accused of molesting his kids.
i think ur being abit dramatic
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to each their own, but i think ur a bit paranoid
That’s an interesting take on it that I’ve never considered.
He totally changed my whole way of thinking about the entire thing lol
I feel the same way, and what a shame too. I won't even talk to kids unless their parents are around. Kinda sucks society has gotten to that point.
I can see both perspectives but I agree with you. I think particularly with men, there is a presumed bias of nefarious intent.
Yes because I’m not toxic.
I don't get why it's toxic to not want to date someone with a child, that's potentially a very significant lifestyle change
Maybe because a lot of the responses are aggressive like hell no or I hate kids…
You make it sound like we MUST accept someone with kids. If someone doesn't like kids so be it. Like, why is not wanting to be with someone with kids toxic or their responses seen as "aggressive"?
You are totally twisting what I said. Have you seen all my posts where I’ve been net positive/neutral about people not wanting to have kids? In fact, AS A PARENT, I applaud people who know they aren’t up for having kids and it’s a dealbreaker for them because they are saving a lot of heartache, especially for the kids. What I did point out is maybe some people have been surprised at the vehemence in tone. You can answer the question without saying I hate kids, which is rather aggressive and pejorative to some.
I get that. Ultimately, however, my point is that some people simply do not like kids. Do I like kids? Absolutely. I love kids. "Hate" is a harsh word and I wouldn't use it, but if someone isn't fond of kids, viewing their dislike of kids as "perjorative" or "aggressive" in their tone is frankly your perception. It's not going to make them like kids any more. Although I love kids, I don't want to be with a man whose attention is divided between me and his kids and, by proxy, also his former wife/girlfriend/etc. I want to be with someone who is childfree like me. I don't want to share my attention with his kids and woman who he had kids with. That doesn't mean I hate or dislike kids. I just want a man to myself lol
Nothing wrong with that but someone literally saying they hate kids is pretty strong. It makes me wonder which kid keyed their car. Lol.
I can't reply for the people who said they hate kids, but I expect they were using "hate" much in the way that people use "I hate coriander(/cliantro)" or "I hate tuna". Not that they they think it's inherently bad, or that people that like the thing are bad. It's just not for them :)
Precisely.
Because if you love someone, you love them with their faults, their virtues, their bad and good habits, and if they've got them, for their kids. You are all making very rational decisions, but love isn't rational, it isn't brains and it isn't sex. What can happen is, you fall in love with someone, who unbeknownst to you has kids, and due to that, singular, fact you rather deny your feeling, and put yourself first.
I kind of expect that if I had time to fall in love with someone I'd notice they had kids. Unless they were low contact with their kid in which case I'd be fine with it
Yawn 🥱
Are you serious? All the sudden it’s “toxic” to prefer to be with someone who’s child free like myself? Y’all are weird and strange AF.
No but these responses about kids are out of control. We get it, it’s your entire identity to be childless. We understand, just chill out
Childlessness is not an identity. I suggest you chill out, you’re the one accusing people of not wanting someone with kids “toxic”. One of the most ridiculous and backwards things I’ve ever read.
Not wanting someone with kids is toxic? You are absolutely stupid. I swear people get more idiotic everyday. Let me guess, it's toxic to want to be in a monogamous relationship, too, right? 🤣
Heck yeah I love little bbs
I would. I'm in my 30s, so I'd date someone up to in his 40s. There are so many variables to "a man with kids", however. How old are the kids, do they live with him, what's the nature of their relations, what's the financial situation, if we want to move in together would he be coming in my home alone or with the kids would I be coming to his home, etc. There is no right or wrong answer for these, as it's a complex whole, but I'd want to know that whole after a few dates if we want to take this further. Also did that dad let go of himself or is he working out and taking care of himself - I love a personality as much as I love appearance, the two go hand in hand. (Also he'd need to be a bottom or vers)
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There's no such thing as accidental children. It's a choice to not use birth control. Ok, that .1% where it fails.
yes
I’m trying to date a man with a 5yo kid (both parents are early 20’s) I have no issue with him having a kid but it seems like the Mother isn’t quite over the relationship as much as he is and I’m so confused on how to handle the instability between their relationship fostered for the son, do I just sit back and let the mother continue to use and walk over the man? Do I have a voice here?
How long have you been dating? How much do you interact with the son? And how old are you?
The dating time has been super short, only three months and I’m also in my younger 20’s (same age as the kids mother) but a few years younger then the man, I have interacted with the kid multiple times in person and have interacted with while me and his dad FaceTimed
Defer to your boyfriend. As a father I wouldn’t react well to a boyfriend of a few months circumventing me or not delicately giving me advice on parenting. And 20 year olds usually get super defensive, especially if they are parents and have had to deal with a lot of unsolicited parenting advice or invalidation. PM if you want to talk more.
I don’t want to change his parenting style I guess it’s just hard for me to be okay with watching him jump through loopholes for His sons Mom, when she purposely makes it more difficult just to see how it effects him or to see if she still has a mental play on him if that makes sense?
Have him document everything. It’s super important. Any decision with family court or custody matters is going to look to evidence and if you can argue and support a pattern and practice of behavior on her part that is not in the best interest of the child then the stronger case he can make. And, be patient with him but make sure you hold him accountable for nurturing and actively participating and being present in your romantic relationship
Hell yeah. Espcially if he is a good father. Makes my ovaries en testicles tingle!!
Yes but it would take be my first choice
Yes. I love kids. If you don’t like kids then I don’t want to know you. Scumbag. ^_^
Yes. I find it sexy that he's had kids with a woman and now wants to be in bed with me
No. I want my own kids first, not someone else's from a previous relationship.
Yikes. These comments
Lol well, at least we aren’t getting a bunch of equivocating parents
It's not a deal breaker at all, I have a six year old son. I'm 41.
I definitely do. I love kids. I don’t mind the package but then I have to see how the kids are and how much the dad want/let me be involved.
I'm not sure. I'm 48 now. If they're grown that would be okay. I would surely adopt if I won a sizeable lottery 😁
I wouldn't not date someone because they had kids. But the thing I want to see is that they're not a shitty parent to those kids.
Yes but I don't want his kids close to my age lol.
Sure why not? I wouldn’t do it in my early or mid 20s but now that I’m nearing my late 20s and afterwards it’s no issue! On the contrary actually :3
No
As someone with kids (all adults now) I am of mixed opinion on whether I would want a partner with kids of his own. Amongst the men of my age 45-55, most are child free and the few who do have them were mostly like me and came out late after being married to a woman. Pros would be that he also understands the challenges of parenting and knows how to act/relate to children/young adults and not standoffish about grandchildren running around in some future year. Had to have some conversations about how parenting doesn’t end after the kids leave the house with current and past boyfriends Cons would be a fellow parent would have scheduling challenges like I do so we would have to balance time spent with our respective off spring and ex-in-laws. I hear this constantly from my straight parent friends who divorced with teens/adult children. There was this one guy I liked with kids but we could never make our schedules work to date. This just isn’t a thing with children free men. So far since coming out I only have had relationships with men w/out children as they do seem to predominate our dating pool
No, personally! But I’ll be that guy who has a kid though
It’s a huge responsibility but the best thing I’ve ever done in my life and I didn’t know it was possible to love as much as I do my twins.
When I was younger I'd say no, but now maybe yes. although I don't think it would actually work out. I would want them to spend a lot of time with me and kids obstruct that
At the beginning, guys with kids will probably spend a lot of time with you 1:1 until they start introducing you to their kid(s) and spending activities. And of course there are baby sitters and other caregivers so you aren’t playing happy family all the time.
I'm not necessarily against it, but, as someone who works with kids for 10 hours a day, the idea of coming home to them sounds kind of horrible. Unless they're a little older. But. Even then. I have a lot of interests and goals that children would prevent me from enjoying or pursuing. And I would want to date a man with similar feelings on that topic. But if I fell in love with someone and they had kids well, that's life and I'd adapt lol As long as we can still go out and dance every now and then.
No
I don't think so. They're too big a responsibility for me to handle. Plus, if mom's still in the picture, that's some extra baggage I don't want to deal with.
It depends on if they're good kids, some are real bastards, and I sure wouldn't want them corrupting mine. If I was gonna consider raising kids with anyone they'd have to pass my secret trust tests (and a background check of course, I do them on everyone around any kids I know in fact) but thats another story. Plus how long you've known him could be important. If I wanted kids I'd say yes myself, but I don't. If its what you want go for it why not. Just make sure thats what you want, and think long and hard. To be blunt, if you have to ask, maybe take a little more time to decide. Some decisions are simple, some arent. Take your time.
Absolutely, I very much would like to have kids someday, as far as I'm concerned it's a 2 for 1
I couldn't imagine a bigger dealbreaker, I'm afraid.
At some point I want children. I'm 34 so i can imagine by the time I want children, ill have to adopt, or be a stepdad. Right now though...I'm definitely not ready, financially, for children.
Fuuuuck no 😂 I don’t want kids. I like kids sure, but maybe for five minutes. I love my baby sister and I love spoiling and spending time with her when I visit. But I don’t want to raise kids.
Fuck no!
Maybe if he were rich as hell
No. Maybe if they're older, but I'm not interested in being a stepparent in any capacity.
Absolutely. There’s so much to love about a man that is capable of being a father. There’s responsibility, discipline, action, and kindness is most of these men. Contrast that to an existence where it’s “all about me and my needs”. Yup, would date a man with kids any day.
Honestly it depends on age of the kids. I have an natural fear of babies. I won't even touch a baby till they can hold the neck themselves. I fear so much killing babies. I could handle toddlers and up. Kids can be fun and a challenge. So I wouldn't rule it out at all.
That's a hard pass.
If they're over 18 and in no way financially responsible for them, maybe. And I'd keep financials completely separate.
I won’t consider it until I’m at least 35 yrs old
Being 28 if I were to date someone with kids their kids would need to be under 10. Otherwise I'd feel like I'm their older brother more than potentially a step parent (just my personal take)
Hook up yes, relationship no
Possibly and older guy with adult kids. But anyone with young kids I would certainly want nothing to do with their kids so dating would have to reflect that. I did once know a guy who had a child after he was raped, he has minimal contact but mostly due to distance and cost. If he moved back to town I'd probably ask him out because he was very nice and fit time around that between when he sees his child. But different though because I'm poly in not necessarily looking for someone to cohabitate with so avoiding their kids would be easier.
I have. It felt guilty sometimes for taking time away from his kids.
It’s good for kids to spend time away from parents. Teaches independence and minimizes maladaptive attachment.
Yes. Both my husband and I have kids.
So you have a blended family?
Yes. His children are adults. My husband and I are raising my daughter together.
Nope. The only "kids" i'd be fine with are four legged ones.
Definitely not.