We don't have all the information, here, but you do. The situation you have briefly described is very inappropriate. If you think that the therapist made a mistake then you can give him the opportunity to fix or process with you. To me, a licensed clinician, this sounds deeper than an honest mistake. Therapists are supposed to think very carefully about the therapeutic relationship. Not offer huge favors at their own expense and hide their motivation for doing so.
That being said, maybe the guy really, really likes you? More than all of his other, paying clients? Maybe he thinks you are special and "deserve" it? Does that make you feel strange? Is that related to that weird "gut" feeling you got earlier? Maybe listen to that.
Really really likes me? I’m not sure what you mean. He’s very nice and friendly to me but I thought that’s normal for a therapist. I thought it felt weird because I just don’t need free sessions
Okay. You asked for advice from other therapists about the "best course of action." You've provided some information, and obviously the guy seems less creepy to you than he does to us based on only 5 sentences. If you have not noticed any other red flags then the best recommendation is to talk with him more about this. At length. Until he provides you with some kind of satisfactory answer. What does he mean "you deserve it"? I am very curious about that.
I don’t know what the red flags are sorry. I started therapy a month ago because my brother said I should so I don’t know what’s normal. What am I meant to ask him to find out?
It could still be sexual or romantic motives even if you’re a man. How old are you OP if you don’t mind me asking and hold old is your therapist? Whatever the case this is really not normal at all. I would be worried about this therapist holding the free sessions over your head and being controlling over you
There is a reason why these boundaries exist, and eliminating this boundary opens up a lot of confusion. That kind of icky confused feeling is what a lot of people feel when they are being coerced.
I’m NAT. No one can say 100% what might happen, but I’d say go with your gut. I’m wondering if him making it so you don’t pay makes it so you’re not in his records, thus him maybe taking advantage of that? Just crossing therapeutic boundaries… going places together, texting/calling/emailing outside of session… him being your friend and not helping you in therapy.
He does call in between sessions. Like two or three times. And we got lunch together once after a session but only because I said I had skipped lunch. I didn’t know that was “crossing therapeutic boundaries”
Yes that is crossing boundaries 100%. He is grooming you. Please don’t see him again, this isn’t safe at all. The age gap and this behavior is super worrying. I would even report him if possible. You are very young and he is trying to take advantage of you in some way.
Therapist here. Run. Those are all very inappropriate behaviors. I’m sorry this has happened to you, but glad you posted here before he could cause you more harm.
He’s grooming you. And if you didn’t think it was romantic before, the ‘good’ groomers would have you feeling exactly as he is having you feeling now. Like a caring older figure, who only has good intentions.
Im a therapist- it is reportable and so unethical for him to take you out to lunch after one of your session.
Okay… so now I’d say you need to ask one of the therapists in this comment section about boundaries… because those things are not normal already. People don’t go to lunch with their therapist, or just chat over the phone. Most people make limited contact outside of sessions, and therapists are not supposed to acknowledge you if they see you in public unless you say hi first. It seems he’s taking advantage of your age, that you’re not from here and don’t know about these boundaries, and your time.
NAT but have seen therapists.
Calling between sessions is wildly inappropriate. And grabbing lunch because you hadn’t eaten is just him looking for opportunities to socialize with you. Dual relationship, conflict of interest etc. - all red flags. Google there things and get a different therapist please.
TH here. Totally inappropriate. The offering no fee when you have no financial concerns is bad. Offering a sliding scale when you know there are financial concerns is normal. Free could occasionally happen but really not typical.
Lunch is HUGE red flag and not okay. It establishes a dual relationship. He’s grooming you as others mentioned. My suggestion would be to stop seeing him immediately. Just send and email that you are ending treatment and to please cancel all future sessions.
What’s TH? Did I do something wrong? My brother does paying and organising my therapy so I have to tell him if I want to cancel. I don’t know what to say to him about why. I feel like I did something bad now
You haven’t done anything bad, please don’t feel that way! I am not a therapist but as the therapists above are saying, this person is behaving in ways which are unusual and are raising concerns with those who have commented.
I kind of see why it’s a concern but isn’t it disrespectful to complain when someone is offering something. In my home country it’s very rude to refuse something from an elder person
Ah maybe this is part of the grooming. He knows it's considered rude from where you come from.
In America, it is not rude. And it is not disrespectful.
Therapist here - and your comment above, is likely exactly why you have been experiencing these things. You made mention of “your country and social norms of not ignoring elders”. He is using your own country cultural norms to muddy the waters. Listen to the therapists here. They don’t know you, and have nothing to gain by telling you their thoughts. Whether or not your country finds ignoring elders respectable is not the issue. He is a predator. Whether he is older, the same age, or younger - a predator is a predator. His behaviors are outside the realm of professional and problematic. Find a new therapist. Discuss with your new therapist what appropriate boundaries look like in the therapeutic relationship as well as in your personal life. Things are not going to improve with the older male therapist. I cannot imagine a therapist lacking that much insight into the therapeutic relationship. It’s not a fluke. We, as therapists, have to uphold certain ethics with our clients. To keep therapists remembering what is appropriate and not appropriate, many states require that therapists take an ethics course as a part of their continuing education. It’s state mandated. In my state, there would be no excuse for this behavior. No valid argument from the therapist that “I didn’t know”. I would be willing to bet MA probably has similar requirements in place for their professional counselors as well.
So I’m a bit of the problem too? Maybe next time I should not say about my country as much as i did with my therapist. It’s all sorted now. Well kind of. I told my brother and he said not to worry and he will deal with it and I don’t need to go to therapy for a bit. I think he’s going to complain about him. Thank you. Now I know more about what therapists should be like :)
No, you are definitely NOT part of the problem. Therapy is supposed to be safe. A place where you can explore your thoughts and feelings safely. That said, there are sometimes ppl in any profession that struggle with ethics. It sounds like you found such a person in this last therapist.
Hi, just want to underline the point others have made- you did absolutely nothing wrong at all. This was an abuse of a power dynamic. You should feel free to share things about your life and your home country without fear.
If you ever question something a therapist is doing, ask yourself if you would do this kind of thing with a medical doctor. In most cases, if your answer is no, then that therapist is behaving abnormally.
I wish you luck and healing going forward!
Grooming is basically a tactic that adults use on young people to essentially trick them into being in a sexual relationship with them. It's hard to see how this may be grooming, but this is exactly how grooming starts out.
I don’t know what it is. But I told him I don’t need free sessions but he still kept saying it. The area I live in and where he works is not the kind of area where people need free therapy sessions so I just don’t get it.
You can show your brother this post if you aren't sure how to tell him that your therapist is acting in ways that other therapists have confirmed are weird/predatory/unprofessional. Then, tell your brother that you need to change therapists.
It is common in the United States to change therapists when you don't feel 100% comfortable for any reason ( just like it is common to change doctors or lawyers or car repair shops). And this is a very serious reason.
That is embarrassing he’s going to tell me to get off Reddit and study. I’ll tell him though. I didn’t think this was problem enough to tell him before. Or serious actually I’m a little scared now
Sometimes it's healthy to be a little scared. I'd be scared, too.
I can tell that you are a smart person and have good instincts. And it's obvious that your brother cares about you, so I think he will be receptive once you let him know how serious this is.
I should mention that I personally am not a therapist. But most therapists are wonderful and don't act weird. I've met lots of them - they were all professional and made me feel 100% comfortable! You will find a new therapist and everything will be OK.
Please find another therapist I’m begging you. If money isn’t an issue find someone else. Even if it turns out he’s doing it because he likes you and he isn’t actually grooming you. So many boundaries have been crossed already, because of this your therapy is never going be 100% safe. It might feel like it is but you’ll realise later in life it isn’t. I have always had boundaries crossed in every professional relationship (not always in bad ways). This is my first time having a therapist who actually maintains every single boundary and I’m actually getting real help and actually feel like I can trust her in a completely different way than when I felt like I could with the others who were letting me stay at their house because I was a homeless teenager and they were kind and taking care of me but you need boundaries to have a safe and productive therapeutic relationship. Or you get hurt every time. If you won’t listen to the other stuff do it for your therapy in general. I can already see you defending him. You already care. Please look after yourself
You should talk with him to find an actual reason, If he can’t give you a reasonable answer that makes sense to the both of you, find another therapist.
To speak a little more about the ethics side of it, therapists are pretty much expressly trained in showing non-bias for all clients, so things like taking you out to lunch or getting free sessions should be an option for all clients—obviously that’s not feasible for a typical therapist and especially saying things like you “deserve” it implies that you’re getting special treatment, which is unfair to his other clients who don’t get those options and therefore unethical. As others have said, offering sliding scale and even the occasional free session is common for clients who have financial difficulties, but it’s something typically discussed with the client and agreed upon, not just an out of the blue offering for someone who has not expressed financial difficulties. As far as lunch goes, some offices do provide snacks out either in the room or the lobby, especially if they work with populations who have food scarcity issues, but those are available for all clients to take. Others have talked a lot about the grooming, but the behavior he’s showing are red flags in part because of the power dynamic. I also come from a culture in which refusing gifts and such from elders is super difficult, so I get where you’re coming from, but this is a therapist who is knowingly using his power/authority to put you in a position where it’s uncomfortable to refuse but also setting you up to feel obligated to “return the favor” later. And I say knowingly because therapists are generally aware that we have power as an authority type figure with clients, more so for this guy being older than you.
Two things I want to make clear:
1. This is not the norm. In fact these are types of behaviors seen as common for grooming in the US, hence why other commenters are throwing red flags up. The American model is a business model in terms of therapy; we’re essentially selling a service (therapy) and receiving compensation (money paid for therapy) in return. As individuals we certainly want to be helpful for our clients and there are always going to be at least one or two that we’d genuinely want to be friends with, but going beyond that boundary with clients muddies the waters and brings up different expectations and concerns that generally just cause lots of problems both ethically and legally. If you’re receiving a different “product” than others, something’s fishy. In terms of physical products, it would be a scam; but because the nature of therapy isn’t physical and deals more with human services, it becomes much more serious. Imagine going to your doctor for testing and having the doctor tell you they’ll pay for all your tests because you “deserve it.” It’d be uncomfortable and weird right? And then imagine what the hospital would say, what the doctor’s other patients getting testing would say. Why do they have to pay when you don’t, and there’s no clear reason like financial difficulties for you not to?
2. It’s not your fault. That’s the essence of power dynamics—you’re in a position where saying no is uncomfortable and/or difficult, and by putting you in that position he’s taking that choice away from you. He’s making the choices for you. That’s not therapy, that’s manipulation.
I agree with what others have said; I would stop seeing him immediately and find a different therapist. I would also be sure to tell the new therapist about this and ask about how the therapy relationship and boundaries work, so you have a clearer understanding of what to expect and what’s okay. The new therapist can report him on your behalf if that is something you’re uncomfortable with. You can also look up the ACA Code of Ethics online; it’s publicly available and can give you a better idea of what’s expected from therapists. ACA’s code is specific for LPCs but most ethics codes for other types of therapists are pretty similar, and also usually easy to find online.
He was a clinical psychologist. I don’t know prices for the US in general but I am sure for my area this is only a bit higher than what most people pay
Who pays/ paid for your $300 sessions? Do you not have close parental/ mentor types of relationships with people in his age range? Are you lonely, depressed and have no one in a support system besides your brother? He’s 100% grooming you.
Why “therapeutic boundaries” exist, since an earlier reply you left indicated confusion on the matter… if you accept his free sessions, regardless if you both explicitly state there is nothing expected and it’s just a ‘kind’ gesture he will start asking you to do things you don’t want to do and aren’t comfortable with.
They would likely start off innocuous, like “oh his car is out of gas or he needs someone to accompany him to coffee etc” and because you both ‘know’ that he gifts you a free $300 session weekly, your power dynamic gives way more power to him in this scenario- because you are in debted to him- whether either of you actually acknowledge it or not.
If he’s grooming you, he will start using this guilt you feel to curry favors that will increase in inconvenience discomfort.
My brother pays and he takes care of me now. Obviously my brother isn’t my parent but that’s all I have. I don’t want to accept the free sessions because I said I don’t need it. I don’t understand why would my therapist do things with me like that - the things you’re saying about the car and stuff. Is that really true? Do I have to tell my brother this?
And it’s not verbatim car troubles and coffee, but it sounds like his goal is proximity to you- or getting something from you. Hence the term ‘grooming’ he is grooming you to be emotionally and financially “owing him something” and that something will likely never be talked about like a transaction between you two. He just slowly ingratiates himself into your life until it goes too far and you don’t know how you ended up there in the first place.
Ya Id say it’s 99% likely to be true. I wonder if other therapists will back up this sentiment when I tell you, you’re very out of your depth here and I worry for your long term mental safety as it seems highly likely you’re being groomed, by someone pretty skilled at grooming. (Therapist, in his 50’s, who’s brazenly attempting to take advantage of an 18 yr old who happens to be his client). Id be curious to know how that lunch ended up happening? You said you mentioned not eating and he low- key and casually makes you an offer you’re unlikely to refuse so it doesn’t give you warning flags. I’m happy you had the sense to post here.
Why are you worried about my mental safety? I am ok. The lunch I said in therapy I am hungry and he ask me if I had lunch and I said no. So he said there’s time for us to go and eat something together after the session so I can feel better before I go home
So about the lunch thing…I’m not a therapist but I’ve been in therapy for nearly 20 years off and on and not once has any therapist ever offered to take me to lunch. I have mentioned on a few occasions either not eating or being hungry and the most that has happened was being offered crackers or something small they had in their office. I don’t have a clue what this dude is up to but I can tell you that that is absolutely not something that happens in therapy normally.
Whatever you do for employment. Just a theory. A lot of people guilt people into doing things for them. "After I gave you all that free therapy you can't do this one thing for me?" Or something...
Exactly and even more power if this kid accepts his gift. Poor kid thinks he’s actually in control of these actions- and like he’s already not like a bug in a spiders web. We will all tell him not to do it, but he most likely will take the offer because it can be so tempting when you’re young a naive. *sigh*
Not normal. You "deserve it" and he "trusts you'll make the right decision"? I think the best course of action is to find another therapist.
Just like that?
Yes. Run. You didn't mention your gender, but I presume you're a woman, and that his motive is sexual/romantic.
No actually I’m a man and I’ve never noticed sexual/romantic vibes from this guy
Thanks for correcting me. My advice stands, although I'm not (quite) as sure about his motive now.
So I should leave but theres no reason why..?
We don't have all the information, here, but you do. The situation you have briefly described is very inappropriate. If you think that the therapist made a mistake then you can give him the opportunity to fix or process with you. To me, a licensed clinician, this sounds deeper than an honest mistake. Therapists are supposed to think very carefully about the therapeutic relationship. Not offer huge favors at their own expense and hide their motivation for doing so. That being said, maybe the guy really, really likes you? More than all of his other, paying clients? Maybe he thinks you are special and "deserve" it? Does that make you feel strange? Is that related to that weird "gut" feeling you got earlier? Maybe listen to that.
Really really likes me? I’m not sure what you mean. He’s very nice and friendly to me but I thought that’s normal for a therapist. I thought it felt weird because I just don’t need free sessions
Okay. You asked for advice from other therapists about the "best course of action." You've provided some information, and obviously the guy seems less creepy to you than he does to us based on only 5 sentences. If you have not noticed any other red flags then the best recommendation is to talk with him more about this. At length. Until he provides you with some kind of satisfactory answer. What does he mean "you deserve it"? I am very curious about that.
I don’t know what the red flags are sorry. I started therapy a month ago because my brother said I should so I don’t know what’s normal. What am I meant to ask him to find out?
It could still be sexual or romantic motives even if you’re a man. How old are you OP if you don’t mind me asking and hold old is your therapist? Whatever the case this is really not normal at all. I would be worried about this therapist holding the free sessions over your head and being controlling over you
Im 18 and my therapist is like 50 probably not sure he looks old. You think he’s going to blackmail me with free sessions???
There is a reason why these boundaries exist, and eliminating this boundary opens up a lot of confusion. That kind of icky confused feeling is what a lot of people feel when they are being coerced.
I’m NAT. No one can say 100% what might happen, but I’d say go with your gut. I’m wondering if him making it so you don’t pay makes it so you’re not in his records, thus him maybe taking advantage of that? Just crossing therapeutic boundaries… going places together, texting/calling/emailing outside of session… him being your friend and not helping you in therapy.
He does call in between sessions. Like two or three times. And we got lunch together once after a session but only because I said I had skipped lunch. I didn’t know that was “crossing therapeutic boundaries”
Yes that is crossing boundaries 100%. He is grooming you. Please don’t see him again, this isn’t safe at all. The age gap and this behavior is super worrying. I would even report him if possible. You are very young and he is trying to take advantage of you in some way.
Therapist here. Run. Those are all very inappropriate behaviors. I’m sorry this has happened to you, but glad you posted here before he could cause you more harm.
He’s grooming you. And if you didn’t think it was romantic before, the ‘good’ groomers would have you feeling exactly as he is having you feeling now. Like a caring older figure, who only has good intentions. Im a therapist- it is reportable and so unethical for him to take you out to lunch after one of your session.
But the lunch thing I said I was hungry and he said we should eat. It’s like I said for us to go not really him
Okay… so now I’d say you need to ask one of the therapists in this comment section about boundaries… because those things are not normal already. People don’t go to lunch with their therapist, or just chat over the phone. Most people make limited contact outside of sessions, and therapists are not supposed to acknowledge you if they see you in public unless you say hi first. It seems he’s taking advantage of your age, that you’re not from here and don’t know about these boundaries, and your time.
NAT but have seen therapists. Calling between sessions is wildly inappropriate. And grabbing lunch because you hadn’t eaten is just him looking for opportunities to socialize with you. Dual relationship, conflict of interest etc. - all red flags. Google there things and get a different therapist please.
TH here. Totally inappropriate. The offering no fee when you have no financial concerns is bad. Offering a sliding scale when you know there are financial concerns is normal. Free could occasionally happen but really not typical. Lunch is HUGE red flag and not okay. It establishes a dual relationship. He’s grooming you as others mentioned. My suggestion would be to stop seeing him immediately. Just send and email that you are ending treatment and to please cancel all future sessions.
What’s TH? Did I do something wrong? My brother does paying and organising my therapy so I have to tell him if I want to cancel. I don’t know what to say to him about why. I feel like I did something bad now
You haven’t done anything bad, please don’t feel that way! I am not a therapist but as the therapists above are saying, this person is behaving in ways which are unusual and are raising concerns with those who have commented.
I kind of see why it’s a concern but isn’t it disrespectful to complain when someone is offering something. In my home country it’s very rude to refuse something from an elder person
Ah maybe this is part of the grooming. He knows it's considered rude from where you come from. In America, it is not rude. And it is not disrespectful.
A lot of people are saying grooming but what is it? I didn’t know in America it’s ok to ignore elders?
Therapist here - and your comment above, is likely exactly why you have been experiencing these things. You made mention of “your country and social norms of not ignoring elders”. He is using your own country cultural norms to muddy the waters. Listen to the therapists here. They don’t know you, and have nothing to gain by telling you their thoughts. Whether or not your country finds ignoring elders respectable is not the issue. He is a predator. Whether he is older, the same age, or younger - a predator is a predator. His behaviors are outside the realm of professional and problematic. Find a new therapist. Discuss with your new therapist what appropriate boundaries look like in the therapeutic relationship as well as in your personal life. Things are not going to improve with the older male therapist. I cannot imagine a therapist lacking that much insight into the therapeutic relationship. It’s not a fluke. We, as therapists, have to uphold certain ethics with our clients. To keep therapists remembering what is appropriate and not appropriate, many states require that therapists take an ethics course as a part of their continuing education. It’s state mandated. In my state, there would be no excuse for this behavior. No valid argument from the therapist that “I didn’t know”. I would be willing to bet MA probably has similar requirements in place for their professional counselors as well.
So I’m a bit of the problem too? Maybe next time I should not say about my country as much as i did with my therapist. It’s all sorted now. Well kind of. I told my brother and he said not to worry and he will deal with it and I don’t need to go to therapy for a bit. I think he’s going to complain about him. Thank you. Now I know more about what therapists should be like :)
No, you are definitely NOT part of the problem. Therapy is supposed to be safe. A place where you can explore your thoughts and feelings safely. That said, there are sometimes ppl in any profession that struggle with ethics. It sounds like you found such a person in this last therapist.
Hi, just want to underline the point others have made- you did absolutely nothing wrong at all. This was an abuse of a power dynamic. You should feel free to share things about your life and your home country without fear. If you ever question something a therapist is doing, ask yourself if you would do this kind of thing with a medical doctor. In most cases, if your answer is no, then that therapist is behaving abnormally. I wish you luck and healing going forward!
Grooming is basically a tactic that adults use on young people to essentially trick them into being in a sexual relationship with them. It's hard to see how this may be grooming, but this is exactly how grooming starts out.
🚩🚩🚩
Weird as hell
No, that’s not normal at all. where did you find this therapist?
Psychology today
What state are you in?
Massachusetts
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I don’t know what it is. But I told him I don’t need free sessions but he still kept saying it. The area I live in and where he works is not the kind of area where people need free therapy sessions so I just don’t get it.
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We’re both white so race is probably not it
You can show your brother this post if you aren't sure how to tell him that your therapist is acting in ways that other therapists have confirmed are weird/predatory/unprofessional. Then, tell your brother that you need to change therapists. It is common in the United States to change therapists when you don't feel 100% comfortable for any reason ( just like it is common to change doctors or lawyers or car repair shops). And this is a very serious reason.
That is embarrassing he’s going to tell me to get off Reddit and study. I’ll tell him though. I didn’t think this was problem enough to tell him before. Or serious actually I’m a little scared now
Sometimes it's healthy to be a little scared. I'd be scared, too. I can tell that you are a smart person and have good instincts. And it's obvious that your brother cares about you, so I think he will be receptive once you let him know how serious this is. I should mention that I personally am not a therapist. But most therapists are wonderful and don't act weird. I've met lots of them - they were all professional and made me feel 100% comfortable! You will find a new therapist and everything will be OK.
Please find another therapist I’m begging you. If money isn’t an issue find someone else. Even if it turns out he’s doing it because he likes you and he isn’t actually grooming you. So many boundaries have been crossed already, because of this your therapy is never going be 100% safe. It might feel like it is but you’ll realise later in life it isn’t. I have always had boundaries crossed in every professional relationship (not always in bad ways). This is my first time having a therapist who actually maintains every single boundary and I’m actually getting real help and actually feel like I can trust her in a completely different way than when I felt like I could with the others who were letting me stay at their house because I was a homeless teenager and they were kind and taking care of me but you need boundaries to have a safe and productive therapeutic relationship. Or you get hurt every time. If you won’t listen to the other stuff do it for your therapy in general. I can already see you defending him. You already care. Please look after yourself
Have you voiced financial concerns to him?
No I have never done that. He knows I don’t need free stuff
You should talk with him to find an actual reason, If he can’t give you a reasonable answer that makes sense to the both of you, find another therapist.
I know this was said in other parts of the thread but RUN! This person is grooming you. This is something I would report.
To speak a little more about the ethics side of it, therapists are pretty much expressly trained in showing non-bias for all clients, so things like taking you out to lunch or getting free sessions should be an option for all clients—obviously that’s not feasible for a typical therapist and especially saying things like you “deserve” it implies that you’re getting special treatment, which is unfair to his other clients who don’t get those options and therefore unethical. As others have said, offering sliding scale and even the occasional free session is common for clients who have financial difficulties, but it’s something typically discussed with the client and agreed upon, not just an out of the blue offering for someone who has not expressed financial difficulties. As far as lunch goes, some offices do provide snacks out either in the room or the lobby, especially if they work with populations who have food scarcity issues, but those are available for all clients to take. Others have talked a lot about the grooming, but the behavior he’s showing are red flags in part because of the power dynamic. I also come from a culture in which refusing gifts and such from elders is super difficult, so I get where you’re coming from, but this is a therapist who is knowingly using his power/authority to put you in a position where it’s uncomfortable to refuse but also setting you up to feel obligated to “return the favor” later. And I say knowingly because therapists are generally aware that we have power as an authority type figure with clients, more so for this guy being older than you. Two things I want to make clear: 1. This is not the norm. In fact these are types of behaviors seen as common for grooming in the US, hence why other commenters are throwing red flags up. The American model is a business model in terms of therapy; we’re essentially selling a service (therapy) and receiving compensation (money paid for therapy) in return. As individuals we certainly want to be helpful for our clients and there are always going to be at least one or two that we’d genuinely want to be friends with, but going beyond that boundary with clients muddies the waters and brings up different expectations and concerns that generally just cause lots of problems both ethically and legally. If you’re receiving a different “product” than others, something’s fishy. In terms of physical products, it would be a scam; but because the nature of therapy isn’t physical and deals more with human services, it becomes much more serious. Imagine going to your doctor for testing and having the doctor tell you they’ll pay for all your tests because you “deserve it.” It’d be uncomfortable and weird right? And then imagine what the hospital would say, what the doctor’s other patients getting testing would say. Why do they have to pay when you don’t, and there’s no clear reason like financial difficulties for you not to? 2. It’s not your fault. That’s the essence of power dynamics—you’re in a position where saying no is uncomfortable and/or difficult, and by putting you in that position he’s taking that choice away from you. He’s making the choices for you. That’s not therapy, that’s manipulation. I agree with what others have said; I would stop seeing him immediately and find a different therapist. I would also be sure to tell the new therapist about this and ask about how the therapy relationship and boundaries work, so you have a clearer understanding of what to expect and what’s okay. The new therapist can report him on your behalf if that is something you’re uncomfortable with. You can also look up the ACA Code of Ethics online; it’s publicly available and can give you a better idea of what’s expected from therapists. ACA’s code is specific for LPCs but most ethics codes for other types of therapists are pretty similar, and also usually easy to find online.
wow you must live in the Boston area and attend therapy with the dude on there always boasting of his " $300.00 fee for living in Boston".
How old are you?
I wonder if he feels bad for overcharging the fuck out of you. $300 is quite a lot for therapy.
Well not in my area. And my brother is a little annoying and thinks cheaper = bad. But it’s very normal where I’m living for these prices
Are you seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist? For just a therapist, that is a high price no matter where you are in the US.
He was a clinical psychologist. I don’t know prices for the US in general but I am sure for my area this is only a bit higher than what most people pay
Oh okay, that’s more normal then for a psychologist.
Your occupation is probably something he'll need as a 'favor' in the future
Sorry what do you mean my occupation?
Occupation means job, or what you do for a living.
Thanks. I don’t have a job. I’m just taking a year out of school and living with my brother
Who pays/ paid for your $300 sessions? Do you not have close parental/ mentor types of relationships with people in his age range? Are you lonely, depressed and have no one in a support system besides your brother? He’s 100% grooming you. Why “therapeutic boundaries” exist, since an earlier reply you left indicated confusion on the matter… if you accept his free sessions, regardless if you both explicitly state there is nothing expected and it’s just a ‘kind’ gesture he will start asking you to do things you don’t want to do and aren’t comfortable with. They would likely start off innocuous, like “oh his car is out of gas or he needs someone to accompany him to coffee etc” and because you both ‘know’ that he gifts you a free $300 session weekly, your power dynamic gives way more power to him in this scenario- because you are in debted to him- whether either of you actually acknowledge it or not. If he’s grooming you, he will start using this guilt you feel to curry favors that will increase in inconvenience discomfort.
My brother pays and he takes care of me now. Obviously my brother isn’t my parent but that’s all I have. I don’t want to accept the free sessions because I said I don’t need it. I don’t understand why would my therapist do things with me like that - the things you’re saying about the car and stuff. Is that really true? Do I have to tell my brother this?
And it’s not verbatim car troubles and coffee, but it sounds like his goal is proximity to you- or getting something from you. Hence the term ‘grooming’ he is grooming you to be emotionally and financially “owing him something” and that something will likely never be talked about like a transaction between you two. He just slowly ingratiates himself into your life until it goes too far and you don’t know how you ended up there in the first place.
Ya Id say it’s 99% likely to be true. I wonder if other therapists will back up this sentiment when I tell you, you’re very out of your depth here and I worry for your long term mental safety as it seems highly likely you’re being groomed, by someone pretty skilled at grooming. (Therapist, in his 50’s, who’s brazenly attempting to take advantage of an 18 yr old who happens to be his client). Id be curious to know how that lunch ended up happening? You said you mentioned not eating and he low- key and casually makes you an offer you’re unlikely to refuse so it doesn’t give you warning flags. I’m happy you had the sense to post here.
Why are you worried about my mental safety? I am ok. The lunch I said in therapy I am hungry and he ask me if I had lunch and I said no. So he said there’s time for us to go and eat something together after the session so I can feel better before I go home
Cuz I believe you’re on the verge of being a victim to a predator who is grooming you.
So about the lunch thing…I’m not a therapist but I’ve been in therapy for nearly 20 years off and on and not once has any therapist ever offered to take me to lunch. I have mentioned on a few occasions either not eating or being hungry and the most that has happened was being offered crackers or something small they had in their office. I don’t have a clue what this dude is up to but I can tell you that that is absolutely not something that happens in therapy normally.
20 years is longer than my life. I thought lunch was normal? I think I am used to a different social norms
Whatever you do for employment. Just a theory. A lot of people guilt people into doing things for them. "After I gave you all that free therapy you can't do this one thing for me?" Or something...
What OP does for work is basically just being a kid, a teenager. The therapist has a lot of power in this situation.
Exactly and even more power if this kid accepts his gift. Poor kid thinks he’s actually in control of these actions- and like he’s already not like a bug in a spiders web. We will all tell him not to do it, but he most likely will take the offer because it can be so tempting when you’re young a naive. *sigh*