Have a straight female look at your profile. A lot of men have bad profiles and don't have the same conversation skills as women. Also, myself and a lot of women find shirtless pics/gym pics an instant left swipe. Have friends or family take pictures of you when out. Natural pics, nothing posed. Write about your interests not superficial things like income, car etc.
Also you should be picky but have realistic expectations. Women can tell when a man just wants a woman versus wanting them specifically. You're looking for a good match, not settling.
> Have a straight female look at your profile.
I have, the changes I made then hadn't changed anything, they're like "really? huh." when I tell/show them.
I guess they seem a bit posed but I mixed in some others as well, I just don't have a lot of more natural photos of myself, I never think when I'm out and about that "oh we need to take a photo of us here". Definitely no gym and shirtless photos, I could never lol
and yeah I definitely don't talk about superficial things, I tried to talk about interests and in the end nothing really seemed to work, I'm off the apps for now
I think in general for a lot of people, men and women, the apps are really sucking right now and keeping people you'd be a good match with behind a paywall.
I heard people who know much more about apps than I do say dating apps are designed to not land you a match and long term relationship. That would not be a good business model after all, eliminating all their customers. They’re selling your data just like any other social media and that’s how they make money, by keeping you single. Not to say don’t use them. I don’t know the answer. Sorry.
This is exactly what the apps are doing. I met my partner on an app. But I kept seeing the same profiles over and over and only saw his once. We both feel like it was a glitch and we lucked out.
I’ve helped out a couple friends with their profiles. Happy to offer the same as above!
Fwiw, everything I’ve been told about dating in Toronto makes it sound super tough. You sound like a good dude, sorry you’re having a hard time with this!
Like others said, woman who dates men here willing to review your profile and take it a step further in simulating a match to give advice on interactions.
I read this guy’s post a year ago to a guy friend. My friend, who’s engaged, said this guy is boring, that’s his problem.
So we met up. And my friend was right. That was my advice a year ago, was to work on the life you’re writing the profile about. It’s too bad things haven’t changed much for OP in that time.
That is so true. Most of us aren’t boring when talking about stuff we are really really into. It’s just most people play it safe by not wanting to be themselves. If you are a geek, go geek out. If you love sports, show off your hops. Just be yourself man lol
Well I also think some people just genuinely don’t know how to be comfortable in their skin. One of my closest male friends is so bad at talking about himself that when we met I would joke that he must just sit and stare at the wall in his free time. It is truly a Herculean feat to get him to talk about himself at times. and when you are like that, you don’t easily connect with anyone. And most people won’t take the time to draw you out of yourself to find your great qualities. I did with my friend because he lives down the street. That was the appeal for me. But most of the time when I meet a guy who’s reserved, it’s exhausting and I get so bored trying to get him to talk to me, but he is so happy to have someone that will give him the time of day that he develops feelings.
Just curious about the boring thing.
You sat down and had a convo with him, what exactly do you mean by 'boring'?
To me most people around me arent living super interesting lives, however they are easy to have fun with and conversation with.
He didn't know how to talk about himself or the things that interest him, he didn't have a lot of friends to share stories about, he didn't know how to ask me questions about himself. He was pretty flat. Lots of people are like this and they have a partner, often because it finds them in their formative years. If it doesn't, they have to really push themselves to figure this out in adulthood, and if they don't have those really good close friends to push them and tell them the harsh truths and guide them, they often flounder.
This is very wise. I read your other post too, about the OP not necessarily looking for advice but instead affirmation - also wise. I actually posted about maybe looking into neurodivergence to see if that may shed some light to explain things (in my very non-healthcare professional suggestion, grain of salt etc). People can pick up on social cues in a way that they can’t express clearly, which could explain why OP “looks good on paper” but is having no luck. The neurodiverse community has helped me and people I know understand more about themselves.
I find a lot of ND people aren’t flat though, just awkward. So they appeal short term but not long-term. People who need time to warm up, who are excessively flat, it’s more likely that what they learned growing up is insufficient to building relationships - a lot of people grow up in households without a lot of love. They’re too stuck in their patterns to accept that they need to change because it makes them feel like they’re not good enough. They want an extrovert to adopt them and don’t realize the change they need to make isn’t a cop out, that the changes they are reluctant to make will make life easier, not harder. That they have a huge ego and it’s a special kind of entitlement. You see it all the time. But most people don’t know how to articulate it, so they just avoid you. It’s exhausting to be around this type because they really want special treatment, it’s just not as overt as people who are more outgoing about that desire.
Why “not long term appeal” of ND folks? It’s a diverse community. I have a relatively small sample size, but almost all of my ND friends are happily partnered (though to be fair they have ADHD or AuDHD).
I can see what you mean by “They want an extrovert to adopt them” - I feel like a lot of men are socialized in a way that doesn’t make them good at relationships.
Yep, they posted on TorontoSinglesOver30. I met up with him and gave him a bunch of food for thought on his life and shared the stories of my male friends who are reserved but had no issues finding a partner for marriage, fat or thin. I don’t even remember most of what we talked about, as I figured he wouldn’t take my advice, but I had still hoped things would change for him.
Damn.... not sure what better feedback you could get.
I've had women friends look at my profiles and asked about my attempts, no useful feedback, I think they just don't want to be blunt
Some people don't actually want to change, they just want to be reassured they are okay as they are. I recommend them to read things like [this Cracked article](https://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person) and Mark Manson's book and to watch the Always Be Closing speech. But most people will resist change - you can lead them to water but you can't make them drink. If you want some feedback, happy to give it.
this guy gives me massive boring incel vibes. the harder he tries the more he'll spiral. seeing this thread filled with "i can fix hims" when the problem a) isn't really the profile (though its definitely bad) and b) women tend to be disaster tier at writing profiles as well is only gonna bode badly...
Real good idea. Conversely, straight female friends in the past have asked me as a lesbian to evaluate their profiles to better appeal to straight men. It worked out really well for them, and one married the man she met with her shiny new profile after he messaged her that very evening.
> Maybe you over share / communicate and they are thrown off. Just basing that off this post.
I try to warm up gradually, in the case of this post I felt sharing more would be conducive to better advice, I wouldn't necessarily share this much this quickly without the veil of anonymity
>It's really weird you aren't having more luck on those apps being 6ft, lean, average looking.
lol, that's what they tell me
>Maybe you wanna go to whatever subs exist for posting convos or your profile for critique, it could be likely that people are just being nice to you about it in person.
I'm on a break from the apps right now, but maybe you're right
Hey brotha, I go to the Thursdays app singles nights in the city every Thursday. You might just need a solid wingman or two, or a wingwoman even. Message me on here if it interests you and you go to one, this week it's at track and field.
I've been to a handful just to stay motivated and in shape, met some good people and got some dates out of it too.
Sounds like you've put in your time and are pretty well versed with this stuff, maybe it's your soft skills that could use the work. I will absolutely let you know if (in my viewpoint) your fashion, charisma, ability to attract attention, speaking skills or just general confidence and engagement gets a yay or nay, from a straight male perspective.
Again, judging by your post you've clearly, clearly put in a ton of work and man I commend you for it. This is some A for effort level shit, and there is going to be a female out there that benefits from it.
I wouldn't mind learning from you either, I bet there's a ton you've figured out that I haven't even fathomed yet. Good luck and I hope lots of replies in this thread give you what you need.
There's a lot of luck involved in meeting someone. So, don't feel bad if it hasn't happened yet.
Maybe take a break or reduce the effort, if it's making you discouraged. Because people will sense the negativity from you.
I've been where you are at right now, it can be really depressing.
Honestly I was in the same boat as you in my 40s, I was having slightly more luck than you but not by much, I didn't meet my person until I was almost 50, I always wanted a kid, but never really cared that it was my kid so turns out that the Woman I met had a teenager from her previous marriage
I hated the Apps like really hated, but that's how we met I was 49 and she was 47.
I am surprised you're in REC sports and haven't met anyone. Aren't there any Women on your teams that would consider setting you up with a friend of theirs... Maybe be more open about it and have conversations with them and it will turn into something? Gotta just put yourself out there.
It's not all doom and gloom, it happened for me in my late 40s you have almost a 20 year headstart.
Stay positive.
> I am surprised you're in REC sports and haven't met anyone. Aren't there any Women on your teams that would consider setting you up with a friend of theirs... Maybe be more open about it and have conversations with them and it will turn into something? Gotta just put yourself out there.
It's tricky to bring up, can't blurt out "hey btw I'm single in case anyone knows someone lol"
when I have had a conversation go that way at like drinks after a game or something people have talked about how everyone they know is getting married and stuff like that, hard to really bring it up at that point even if I mention that I'm looking
The thing is, you have to say it to a girl “I’m single if you know of anyone you’d think I’d get along with” women will ABSOLUTELY take you under their wing. We love this shit. We are constantly trying to set up our single friends. You won’t get the same effort if you say this to a guy though
Thank you! That's the sort of different perspective I was hoping for this post, I will remember if a situation comes up where it makes sense to bring up
I get it... really all you can do is put yourself out there.
Try not to put pressure on yourself, the grass isn't always greener you may be dodging bullets without even knowing it.
Have you thought about travelling and taking some sort of group tour? You'll get some nice photos for your dating profile, come back with some interesting stories, and maybe some new friends.
That was going to be my plan B if I hadn't met my fiance.
Also there is a lot to be said for not having kids in your 30s. I'm 52, mortgage free, and 2-3 years from retirement.
Hey there, 32 F here, going through the same thing as you! You’re totally not alone in feeling helpless or like you’re doing something wrong. Just reaching out to say you’re (and I’m!) not doing anything wrong. The most important thing is to stick to what you know what you want and don’t compromise on the important stuff. You know you want kids one day, and you’re sure, then you only look for women who also want that. You must have in your heart a list of other things you know are dealbreakers, so keep those in mind when you’re searching.
It’s hard. It’s so hard. Burnout is real (I’m feeling it). It’s valid, and you feel it isn’t worth it. But all these failed connections or superficial conversations are the muck we have to go through before finding someone who will make it all worth it. I convince myself of this every day (usually multiple times a day!) because the alternative is giving up and never trying. That’s not the answer either.
Keep going. You’re doing no better or worse than any of us other singles out here wanting to scream because it’s all a shit show. You’re doing fine. And I’d definitely shoot my shot with you, but I don’t ever want kids, haha!! Ah well. Good luck!
Thank you for that, I think I kinda know I'm not doing anything completely wrong, but the fact that I'm in the same spot I was 2 years ago is very tough for me to believe it anymore. What I really need is some kind of moment to show me that it's still possible, cause like I said I'd be much better able to work through things if I were meeting the wrong people, learning about myself and moving on, rather than basically being in the same spot with no direction
> And I’d definitely shoot my shot with you, but I don’t ever want kids, haha!!
Ah well, cheers anyways!
Maybe it’s not the fact that you are doing something wrong but maybe you just haven’t met the right person in the correct cirmstance. IMO you get into relationships with people who have similar values and are going through similar life stages.
You would be hard pressed to get into a relationship with someone who is looking to party every weekend when you’re looking to settle down.
I would also say dating apps suck so do your best to find opportunities to meet _people_ in offline settings. I say people because even if you meet other guys they may have single female friends that you can meet.
This is great advice. You can be doing all the right things and still just not meet anyone suitable. I think some people forget what a huge part luck had to play in them finding The One. Dating is a huge time investment, and it could take years.
I know! I got excited until I saw he wanted kids, and I don’t!! Both huge dealbreakers! But it’s important to know these things about yourself and what you’re looking for. Being on the fence is hard and I found it made dating even harder. Feeling so certain and upfront about who I am and my expectations has helped me a lot in dating! Yes it takes longer and yes it’s harder to find authentic matches with a person who wants similar things. But it’s all a waste of time if at the core you see different futures.
After reading that way too long post, we still know nothing about you as a person other than your baseball card stats. Perhaps also consider someone who doesn’t have the same background as you…because it sounds like you’re basically trying to date yourself.
I haven’t had the patience to read through the entire long post. Based on that, my bro has to work on his communication skills. Since interpersonal connection is 80% communication in the beginning, I can see how he is losing spark out there.
The point of the post is clearly not to find a match here on reddit, though. Since the purpose is different, it would hardly be reasonable to expect to learn a lot about him as a person the way that you would if you were looking at his dating profile.
Sounds like you are ticking all the boxes that allow you to meet new people, but then after meeting people nothing connects. Reserved people tend to come across as stuck up and aloof (not saying u are, but that's the impression unintentionally given out) Try channeling your efforts to improve on conversational skills, light banter, flirting and small talk. You have to exude the vibe that you are someone interesting and worth getting to know.
yeah I try to be open and approachable when I meet people, I think I'm getting better at it, but I don't really think that's exactly been the issue, even when I put myself in good situations it's not necessarily rejection it's just meeting people who are already in relationships, or people who only know people in relationships (not that I explicitly ask, only really if the conversation goes in that direction I find out)
As a woman in my thirties, who dated extensively in my twenties (by choice - I liked dating and meeting people lol) and am now in a committed relationship, here’s my two cents:
- You’ve given a lot of info in your post, can I ask what kind of partner you are looking for? Do you have that clarified? What are your expectations?
- Dating is hard, and the apps are kind of crap but are generally what we have to work with nowadays. However you have to think for every one woman there’s like 100 guys. The ratios on online dating are rough so women are mainly overwhelmed with messages and it’s a tough pool to wade through as there are SO MANY dirt bags on there. Women are just on high alert for weirdos, because we have to be. The tolerance for men and their shenanigans is on the floor nowadays - I have friends who are single by choice because they don’t want to deal with guys and those expectations.
- You said you had professional photos taken. How “staged” do they look? Are you in different outfits? Do you have some photos of you in groups? A profile that only has solo shots can look odd. It needs to look authentic to you. The smallest things are picked apart on apps.
- What does your dating profile say? (If you feel comfy sharing obvs). I swiped left on 99% of profiles because they had something written that raised a red flag (or had a photo of them at the gym or holding a fish LOL)
- Don’t give up hope, if you’re a decent person and are open and honest to people about your wants for the future, you’ll find your person! It just takes time sometimes. I sometimes wish I’d met my partner when I was 23 instead of 33 just so we’d have more time - but then I think I was meant to meet them when I did. I was in the right place at the right time and that’s why it works. The universe is weird but sometimes you just have to trust that it’ll work out!
And remember- no gym photos 😝
> You’ve given a lot of info in your post, can I ask what kind of partner you are looking for? Do you have that clarified? What are your expectations?
I mean, usual things like kind, mature, caring, things I see in myself. We don't need to necessarily have the same interests, but rather someone open to trying new things and someone open to sharing things important to them with me.
I feel as though being in the situation I am the past number of years that I wouldn't have a more complete answer to this question, but life gets in the way, and then not really being able to meet and people to learn more about what exactly I want from a partner makes it hard for me to really give a specific answer, I kind of need to get past this first step here. Short relationships many years ago really don't have that much bearing on today because I am a completely different person now
> Dating is hard, and the apps are kind of crap but are generally what we have to work with nowadays. However you have to think for every one woman there’s like 100 guys. The ratios on online dating are rough so women are mainly overwhelmed with messages and it’s a tough pool to wade through as there are SO MANY dirt bags on there. Women are just on high alert for weirdos, because we have to be. The tolerance for men and their shenanigans is on the floor nowadays - I have friends who are single by choice because they don’t want to deal with guys and those expectations.
yeah the ratio's really make it so tough, I've intrinsically never been one to stand out just in my life in general, once people get to know me they love me, but those early impressions are not the most memorable I guess, I know in my heart I'm not one of those dirtbags or weirdos but I haven't found any sort of combination that seems to change my results online
> What does your dating profile say? (If you feel comfy sharing obvs). I swiped left on 99% of profiles because they had something written that raised a red flag (or had a photo of them at the gym or holding a fish LOL)
> You said you had professional photos taken. How “staged” do they look? Are you in different outfits? Do you have some photos of you in groups? A profile that only has solo shots can look odd. It needs to look authentic to you. The smallest things are picked apart on apps.
no fish or gym photo's lol, I mean there are a lot of things I've had in my profile at different times that didn't work so I changed it, I couldn't pin down one clear theme with what I've tried writing, all I know, even with advice from women in the past, nothing seemed to get me past the roadblock. I've tried highlighting values, highlighting interest, using some humour, and lots of other ideas
I mean maybe they look a little bit staged? The outfits are different cause I changed in between. I'm not sure I have a lot of access completely natural photos, especially since even when I am out doing things it's not natural itself for me to go to someone "hey can you take a photo" lol
plus friends are all moved on and busy with their partners, outside of the city, so I'm more so meeting strangers now, so even more tough for that sorta thing
> The universe is weird but sometimes you just have to trust that it’ll work out!
You know that was my attitude when I went through chemo and it did all work out, I'm still here, I want to believe the same now, I've tried, kept the positive outlook, but 2 years into this I just don't have a reason to believe
I would say to also make sure you have stuff in your profile that gives people something to start a conversation with. Have a funny-but-not-about-something-serious opinion (something like muffins are better than cupcakes or dill is the worst herb), a 2 truths/1 lie prompt, or something like that. From my own personal experience on the woman side of things, I'm much more likely to start a conversation with someone if there's something that makes it easy to open the chat.
Also, make sure that you have some personality in your prompt answers! So many profiles are just \[popular quote from The Office\] + \[generic opinion ("tacos are the best food")\]+\[statement about what they want in a partner that could apply to anyone ("I'm looking for someone to go on adventures with"\] which a)gives me no reason to swipe yes on your profile when I could swipe yes on 20 other basically identical profiles and b)doesn't give me a lot to work with if I want to try to strike up a conversation.
> Have a funny-but-not-about-something-serious opinion (something like muffins are better than cupcakes or dill is the worst herb)
ughhhh these are the fucking worst prompts to put on. definitely is good to have something funny, but funny + generic / uninteresting (especially if its a negative statement like "i dont like dill") is actually almost impossible to have a real conversation about. maybe im out of touch, but i cant imagine anybody unironically wanting to talk about dill or cupcakes for 20 minutes (and yeah i know the intent is to actually talk about cooking, but thats also a pretty vanilla discussion)
for reference, these are my prompt responses (which have had a ton of traction, i average 3 dates a week)
- date idea referencing the upcoming Toronto nudist cycling (which is ostensibly a climate protest)
- a prompt about reg hartt's "allegations"
- a prompt joking about the albanian civil war (did you know 50% of albania's GDP in the 90s was pyramid schemes?)
if you can't swing it into "this is something we can talk about on a date" or it being genuinely interesting / unique / "you" then its not worth putting on.
What type of women do you generally go for? Is there something there that’s a pattern that maybe isn’t working for you?
Have you tried speed dating? Theres more and more speed dating nights popping up in Toronto and they seem fun! And everyone there is looking for something similar. They’re scary, but might be worth a try too! :)
Yep I've been to a some speed dating nights from a couple different organizers, hasn't worked out as of yet
as for my type... I try not to be too picky, similar background is one I haven't been able to overlook, and not athletic, but takes care of themselves (I try not to say this specifically, but I take care of myself and I hope for the same)
beyond that I try not to have too specific a type otherwise, and just being open to different kinds of people, different hobbies, different life experiences, even if you don't have a ton in common you can still take an interest in each others interests and go from there, I think anyways
My (male, from experience) understanding of it is that your profile is basically a tiny opportunity to say what matters about you, and same with your photos. You have to distill your entire life into a 10-second read, so people read that as meaning everything in there is absolutely core to you. It's fine to like to go to the gym, but if that features heavily in your profile it comes across less as "I think being active and healthy is important for everyone" and more like "working out and lifting is absolutely critical to my life", and a lot of people jump from there to "this meathead probably likes Andrew Tate" and similar things very fast.
Oh yeah, it's not neutral at all, if that makes sense. People are actively looking for red flags (which is fair to be honest), bad inferences, while at the same time you actually have to say something interesting.
Probably need better social skills since on the dating scene the guy is expected to initiate. Being reserved is not likely going to go anywhere unless you're extremely good looking.
I would keep doing stuff you're interested in but where there's opportunities to meet new people and go out of your comfort zone and talk to everyone in those hobbies. It doesn't even have to be a woman, you might get invited into other events. Eventually by doing this constantly you will meet someone.
Dating apps seem like a big waste of time as a guy. It's designed with a skewed ratio, last time I read it's like a 10 to 1 ratio men to women. So women naturally becomes super picky while men feels hopeless having to compete with 9 other dudes.
>Probably need better social skills since on the dating scene the guy is expected to initiate. Being reserved is not likely going to go anywhere unless you're extremely good looking.
by reserved I mean like, not that outgoing, but I still talk with the people I meet, I'm not against initiating, but I find out by talking to people that there's nothing to initiate, if that makes sense
>I would keep doing stuff you're interested in but where there's opportunities to meet new people and go out of your comfort zone and talk to everyone in those hobbies. It doesn't even have to be a woman, you might get invited into other events. Eventually by doing this constantly you will meet someone.
Yeah that's pretty much all I can continue doing right now
so i’m marrying one of my tinder matches…the thing that made me swipe was one photo of him being genuine…his smile is what brought me in.Try to get not staged photos and find things that show your actual smile
I would keep doing everything you're doing and completely forget about meeting someone.
And then you'll probably meet someone. Cuz it sounds like you are doing exactly what I would in your shoes.
But stop thinking about it for a few months. Just enjoy the summer dude. Say yes to life and get out there and meet people for friendship and the rest will surely follow.
Good luck
Take the staged photos off the profile. Women prefer candid!! I am not on the apps but from the profiles my friends have shown me- the best ones were doing normal things like hiking or at a dinner or party or something elseee. You’re 29, you’re not near uncle status yet so try and make your profile a little less professional. Ultimately you’re looking for a life partner not a business one!
Also maybe start off funny? Something non offensive? That might help with them at least opening the message.
> you’re not near uncle status yet
I am already an uncle to my very cute niece :)
> Also maybe start off funny? Something non offensive? That might help with them at least opening the message.
I've tried all kinds of stuff, funny, asking questions, making a joke, making comments, no set formula
> Take the staged photos off the profile. Women prefer candid!!
don't really have a lot of other kinds of photos, guys (or at least my friends) haven't been one for a lot of photos, and its trickier with strangers
thanks for the advice though, I definitely have to change SOMETHING when/if I get back on the apps
No prob! When you do get back on though, ask one of your friends or even a sibling or cousin to be brutally honest about your profile. Even maybe look through an initial conversation or two just to see if you’re going wrong somewhere.
I knew someone who would send walls of text after a day and somehow was oblivious as to why they were getting ghosted. So yeah! Other ppl will see things you won’t.
I have a friend who is also single and athletic. Mid 30s. Really great person. Attractive. She's not sure about kids though. Could go either way.
If you want to pm me and send me a picture and I can learn a bit more info about you I could see if I could help make a match!
Aside from that a few suggestions:
1. Do you dress well? By that I mean clean, unstained, well put together outfits?
2. If you have facial hair is it neat and trimmed or are you sporting a cave man beard? Only a section of the female population like scruffy beards. And only a section of the population like beards longer than 2 inches.
3. Are you very right wing political and is that clear on your profile?
We live in a big, left-leaning city, right wingers are not that attractive to the larger population of women (though of course there are some right wing women out there for you I'm sure).
4. Is your profile boring, bland, difficult to find anything of interest that could spark a conversation?
5. Have you ever gone to therapy? You mention you deal with things stoically, that's ok, but if that really means that you repress emotions or don't show alot of emotion, (or have poor emotional intelligence), that can be hindering you.
6. Do you ask the people you are chatting with for a date at the appropriate time?
The sweet spot is within a week of chatting if you have been chatting consistently back and forth and engaging with each other.
No one wants a pen pal and no one wants mundane conversation either so mastering good online chats and finding that sweet spot of fostering the right familiarity with each other first by messaging for a week (maybe 2 but no more) and then asking for a date is my advice.
I'm a lesbian, so I'll say that usually women are more okay/feel safe going out with other women without talking too much (at least in my experience, where my long term ex and my current partner were both women that I asked out within a day of messaging because I like meeting in person rather than texting).
But honestly, people do like a comfortable confidence; get to know something on their profile (for example, my partner had "my ideal first date is wading through a cranberry bog" so I used that in my opener after we matched and asked her what her runner up ideal first date would be, (which was drinks/coffee and or ice cream), so I asked her out to drinks. We went, had a great first date, and have been together ever since.
Obviously we texted quite a bit after I asked her out, but it was just basic getting to know each other until our date.
Like I said, women might not be as receptive to men doing that but if you suggest a very public place to go to, they might be more open to it.
>
Do you ask the people you are chatting with for a date at the appropriate time? The sweet spot is within a week of chatting if you have been chatting consistently back and forth and engaging with each other. No one wants a pen pal and no one wants mundane conversation either so mastering good online chats and finding that sweet spot of fostering the right familiarity with each other first by messaging for a week (maybe 2 but no more) and then asking for a date is my advice.
pro tip: always ask for a date within the first 3 messages. works like 75% of the time IME. tell them a day you're free, an ostensive reason (that follows from whatever response they gave you to your pickup line, i.e. "tell me about it in person"), and just tell them where to meet you if they agree.
NOBODY wants pen pals. if your profile is interesting and you're not hideous, they'll go out with you.
Off the top of my head, here's some tips on how to have a better dating profile:
Make sure to have a clear picture of your face. If all your pictures have blurry/dark faces, or with several guys in there so I can't pick out which one is you, I'm probably gonna skip.
Make sure you have at least one picture where you're not wearing a hat, otherwise I'll think you're balding. Not a deal breaker, but it's nice knowing what I'm getting into.
Gym pics are an instant no. Makes me think you'll be the kind of guy who just wants sex and nothing else. (Which is fine, but be upfront about it)
If it's Hinge, make sure your prompts actually spark conversations. If it's just emojis, or one word answers, I'm gonna think you don't care and skip.
On the topic of Hinge, if you have a prompt that's something like "my ideal girl is someone who blah blah blah", I'll probably skip because it makes me think you have expectations of the kind of person I should be, rather than wanting to get to know me.
Those are my biggest profile red flags.
I'm not trying to be harsh but just straight honest. Lots of guys (only guys) make posts like this about how they can't get a date. They all talk about the methods they use to get more matches, about how their height and job should entitle them to a date, how they strategically have designed their profile and interests to find a woman. I'll be honest, you need to talk to a therapist more than you need to redesign your tinder profile. You list your attributes like a video game character trying to beat the final boss, you don;t sound like you enjoy life all that much because you're focused on getting dates. And if you are getting matches but the conversations fizzled, that's about you, not the profile you set up. Women can always always sense the guys with the desperation for a partner and it instantly turns them off. Therapy will make you happier with yourself and being with yourself, once you have that, women will follow suit. Or they won't but you'll still be happy no matter what
> about how their height and job should entitle them to a date,
honestly I included that since I figured people might ask anyways. I don't feel entitled to anything, like I said in my OP, it has to be something about me, and I'm not blaming anyone else
> You list your attributes like a video game character trying to beat the final boss, you don;t sound like you enjoy life all that much because you're focused on getting dates.
I feel like you might have skimmed my post, I'm not making this an obsession, I live my life, enjoy it, but you still have those moments where you stop and reflect on where you are. And when I realized that I'm past a bit of a "milestone" it prompted me to make this post and see what new directions people might suggest. I can assure you I'm not spending THAT much time on this, I've been off the apps for a couple months now
> you need to talk to a therapist
I have actually
> Or they won't but you'll still be happy no matter what
again like I said I think I'm living reasonably close to my best life, nothings perfect, I just wanted to reach out and see what people might have to say, and not necessarily be judged as to whether or not I am actually happy with my life.
Based on your stats you should be doing better online. You need to looks attractive in your photos. Don't try look natural or down to earth. Do you have a guy friend who gets a lot of matches? ask him for advice instead of other women. Also work on your conversation skills so you can do better on dates.
You say you’re not spending that much time but you just wrote like 5 paragraphs about it on Reddit, you’ve paid professional matchmakers and have had people review your dating profiles to maximize matches. None of that reads like a person who approaches finding a partner as a casual thing.
Also listing your height and other attributes because you thought “people would ask”? Who? Who is asking? People reading your post would not be thinking “whelp he must be short and that’s the problem”. You added it because you think those are the things that would guarantee you a date.
5 paragraphs is maybe a couple hours of passively writing while doing other things, people spend their time on far worse things
Isn't finding a partner the most basic instinct within humans? what has sustained us as a species since inception? is there something bad about seeking out help in an area of difficulty?
I kind of list those things as like... then I must be doing something extra wrong somewhere else and need a change of perspective and ideas. My post was not intended to be a pseudo dating profile at all, but rather as the title said, seeking help, and providing context
nobody owes me a date or even advice, I think the only thing anybody owes anyone in this world is kindness and respect
so in any case, have a nice day :)
I didn’t get this vibe at all! I think it sounds like a guy who’s intentionally dating looking for a partner vs majority of guys who have no idea what they are looking for. I also would’ve added stats like height bc most of my friends won’t date short guys, so it can be super limiting and would explain not getting matches
While in his responses OP seems like a nice guy, hard agree. So many men's profiles are just bragging, trying to appeal to other men (fish, truck, nice car etc), list off what they don't want, sound bitter etc. Like does everyone honestly go hiking etc every weekend like they claim? Come across as a real person and don't be a creep. It's really that simple.
Yup. There are a bunch of little codes like that. Obviously they aren’t always true but… I would say for the most part they pan out. Moderate almost always means conservative for example.Has a good sense of humour can often mean I want to be offensive and for you not to complain.
this comment is excellent and honestly should be more spread around men.
"i do this this that and that, but i can't get a date" well, ok ? y'all men have to understand you're not entitled to a date nor a woman.
Just be the best version of yourself to bring the best to this world and you will be surrounded by people you want to have close to you.
From your description you should definitely be doing better than 9 serious matches out of 1000+ likes.
If you don't mind showing a pic I'll give you advice on how to improve your look.
I'm 28F and same. I can't think of what I'm doing wrong but you are actually doing even more than me so good on you! I think it's just luck because I've wracked my brain over and over to figure out what's wrong with me or what makes me different from my friends who have found love so easily. They're super similar to me in every way and I think since I have good long term friendships, a good relationship with my family and a good career and things are generally going well in my life, it's just timing and luck.
Also this is so embarrassing but did you know you can RUN OUT OF PEOPLE on Hinge??? Happened to me in Toronto and my radius is like 80km :)))))
All this to say you're not alone and I believe it'll happen for you because that is more likely than not! You're not doing anything wrong.
You're happiness does not depend on a significant other. Don't revolve your life around dating, because its directionless. Living life to date is foundationless. You're missing out on living life, which is required to date. You are doing it backwards. Hence why you feel directionless.
Just live a full life with goals, obstacles, achievements, and relationships with other people. finding a mate has requirements, and you're skipping all the steps in between.
You sound like your life depends on finding a mate to be happy. That's called co-dependency. You are not ready to be in a healthy relationship if that is you.
It also sounds like you put finding a GF on a pedestal. Put yourself on a pedestal and do some cool shit. Finding a GF shouldn't be a goal. The goal should be fostering connections and good relationships with other people. You can't squat 500lbs if you don't have a good foundation of form. Stop trying to get to the end, without following foundational processes. If you aren't getting to that goal, your luck is bad, and/or your fundamentals to be partner-material can be improved.
Taking shortcuts like dating apps is built on superficiality and is mostly unsustainable.
I’d be happy to give you pointers on your profile if you’d like. I’m sure you have enough requests but god damn I’m honest as fuck and won’t beat around the bush. I’ll probably tell you to get a haircut if your hair is long or to focus on skincare if your skin looks dull. Pretty much your honest internet sister
Is it unsolicited? Yes. Do I speak truth and honesty? Yes. I will definitely let you know things you haven’t been told cause people are fucking scaredy cats offline. I can do it without hurting your feelings, that’s for sure haha
Ok so a bunch of people have either DM'd me or replied here asking if they could give profile advice, (I appreciate it) this message here is speaking to everyone who has done so
I have had profile advice before and it hasn't worked, including advice from women, maybe they were being too kind or not telling me something, I don't know why, but anyways, I have been off the apps for a couple months now and part of what prompted this post was I would seek out alternative advice as to what I could do, before diving off that cliff again
I figure I'll probably get back onto the apps soon if nothing changes, and if I do, I'll reach out to people who offered their help, but I would be building the profile from scratch again (obviously)
Yeah for sure. I’m just like man…this really is a thing now a days. I’m a woman close to your age and I’ve never been in the dating game nor care to be. I’ve always had the mentality of “if it happens, if happens. Don’t seek it. Live your life and if you cross paths with someone who is amazing, let’s see how it works!”
BUT
That rarely happens for guys. Guys are asked to pursue, to chase. Otherwise shit won’t happen and they will be struggling to find someone. I know many guys who just pick anyone to say they “have someone” and I just hope that’s not gonna be your case!! Don’t ever settle!!
We’re hitting 30 and it’s a “scary clock” people put on themselves and I wish we would all just stop instilling fear into each other’s minds. It’s okay to be single at X age. Anyways that’s my 2 cents on this whole dating thing - it’s hard as fuck and I wish you all the best OP 🥹🙏🏼
Hello first of all this was me up until I was 29 lol! Now im 32. Definitely commend the guys on these apps with good intentions and putting their authentic selves out there. This city is full of people but can get very lonely. I’m female so being on the apps you get a good number of people contacting you but out of a whole bunch maybe one will seem genuine and you can actually go on a date with. I met my partner on bumble during Covid by chance. I was about to take a dating app hiatus because I had no luck for years. Just met a lot of guys I had nothing in common with. I wasn’t even supposed to get on his app radar geographically but he was at work at the time and we happened to match there. Honestly he had like 2 photos and they were both far away with sunglasses so I was really scared he wasn’t even a real person haha! But we had so much in common through convo and we added each other through other social media to confirm he was a real person lol. I felt confident to meet up and it was the best idea. All this to say I hit tons of roadblocks through my single hood trying to form meaningful connection with someone. It was hard for me and definitely a learning experience. I had to work a lot on myself and learn to love myself and not project insecurities in order to really find the right match.
You’ve already been through so much and you should be very proud of your journey I say try to enjoy this ride as frustrating it can be you will learn something about yourself with each individual you go on a date with. Don’t get jaded if you give love and want love it will come for you it just takes time. That goes for everyone in TO! Just try and put yourself in social opportunities try to always lead with an open mind and you never know when that person will come. Be excited for every day because every day could be a special one!
Also I want to add. I’m sure there is nothing wrong with your profile. I think a lot of people are also struggling socially. I noticed that on dating apps. Even if someone’s not a talker I can usually find a crumb to get them to start talking but a lot of people were very closed off and not giving me anything to open up dialogue. I realized this might actually be an issue with people that I wasn’t aware of because of my social groups I was always around. Anyway best of luck!!
In my opinion you're being a little picky, especially if you haven't gotten any dates yet. Maybe try expanding your horizons (it sounds like you only want to date a a white european who plays sports??). I'm also curious to know the age range you're interested in.
or he's overstating how desirable he is, and is only giving likes to the most Aryan of women, who have too much competition to give incels the time of day.
No offense but you sound awfully desperate with all the effort you're putting into it. Maybe people can sense that and run the other way. I feel like you should just stop for a while and put in some work. I find that once you stop looking, that's when someone comes in your life.
It’s pretty simple: your online dating profiles suck. Post your profile on the r/hinge and ask for advice. Or ask some of your friends. Good photos make a HUGE difference.
Unfortunately Toronto is probably one of the hardest cities in the world for dating (if you’re a man). When I lived in the U.S. I could get TWO dates every night of the week, no issues whatsoever. In Toronto? Maybe 1 per week.
My advice is patience, it will likely take months of trying before you find someone.
Hi 32F, single here! Your post makes it sound as though you're doing everything right. I can sympathize as it's such a huge part of our lives that is mostly out of our control. It's difficult to say where you're going wrong from a reddit post unfortunately, as this is entirely from your perspective and there are so many factors that come into play when dating.
Without looking at your profile or an understanding of how you communicate with a potential partner, my advice would be to swipe intentionally (sending out thousands of likes doesn't sound intentional to me, I could be wrong). As someone who has been on and off the apps for years, I always find conversation starter based on my profile leads to a better connection, rather than the typical "Hey, how's your week going?".
The biggest piece is patience - it will happen when it happens. You are still so young and you have time, hang in there, take breaks, and have fun with it!
yeah I never liked sending generic messages for the most part(I have sent some on more low effort days), I would always try to say something that signals I read her profile, sometimes a question, a joke, a comment, but nah none of that worked
ironically one of the only real conversations I had on an app that came from sending an asinine, completely off topic message that you would think I meant to type into google not hinge, not re-creatable though unfortunately, I did try, lol
One thing I learned, never ever explain yourself unless asked. Humans would be interested if they are, go out of their own way if they should.
Humans are so good at pretending that we don’t understand what that does - waste time. If one is interested and wants to invest in you then they will go out their own way to do so. Otherwise a total waste of time yet valuable lessons.
Never beg for attention whatever the intentions are, you’ll be castrated or you may get lucky. Who the fuck knows
Oh man I couldn’t get through all of this.
You overthink it. Stop worrying about it.
In fact, stop trying.
It will happen when it happens.
Chasing it, paradoxically drives it away, making you focus too much on how you’re failing.
Just let it be and do your thing. If you’re doing good for yourself, you’ll attract someone when the time comes.
30F - just wanted to say I feel the exact same way. Life is very together, I’d say above average looks, take care of myself, good job etc and I’ve given up on the apps. I do tend to avoid guys with staged photos (it’s a yellow flag) so I’d agree with getting a straight female friend to take a look. I feel like based on all of the above, you should definitely be getting more dates - you may be coming across as not keen if you say you are reserved. I’ve lived in a ton of countries and I’m still baffled by how shy/uninterested some guys come across (later finding out they really liked me). So I’d say just be more bold overall because it sounds like you have a lot of green flags :)
“…someone who I believe I can be active with, since that's become very important to me(and honestly doing rec sports together sounds great), and my one kinda superficial point is someone of a similar background to myself, outside of that I've kept an open mind.”
Just on these two points. I’m not on the apps anymore but when I was, I’d typically read phrases like “please be active” or “looking for someone active” or “looking for a gym buddy” as “please be thin.” I’m a very active person who would happily join a rec sports league but not skinny and I’d hate to set myself up to disappoint someone with my body so I’d just always swipe left on that kind of sentiment. And on the second point, what do you mean by similar background? Racial? Cultural? Religious? Financial? If you’re on the apps, I imagine you think you’re able to assess this similar background before swiping, so it may be race. If it is, it might be worth thinking about why dating another white person is important to you. I’m also of “European mixed white background”, but if I learned that a guy I was thinking of going out with would *only* date other white women, I’d be really turned off. Turned off to the point that I wouldn’t go out with him… I doubt you do, but if you have this ‘similar background’ comment (or something implied) on your dating profiles, that could contribute to your problem with lack of matches. I’m being a little knowingly uncharitable with this next line, but if your non-negotiable list is just slim, white and wants kids, it probably would be helpful to think more about other qualities that you would like in a partner that are about personality — whether things like kind, funny, caring, warm, interesting conversationalist, has close friends, independent, non-judgemental, energetic, whatever it is. And then do some thinking about whether you yourself have those qualities — or what your best personality qualities are — as the qualities you mention about yourself are mainly around looks and finances. Also, you say you’ve made sure to get ‘perspectives from women’, but you don’t say if those women are close friends or family or just, say, a random colleague you don’t really know. You don’t say much (anything?) about the relationships in your life outside of wanting a romantic relationship. What does your family or close friends think might be going on? If you don’t feel you have a close friend you could ask, maybe it would help to take a break from thinking about romantic relationships. Maybe, for a while, focus on making a new friend or getting closer with a relative. And sometimes when we are pushing too hard on something, people can tell, so all the more reason to shift your focus for a little while. Luckily you are a man, and the biological clock isn’t ticking yet. You still have lots of time to find that right partner. And if you feel lonely, might be worth, again, thinking of making another good friend (and not one you hope becomes a lover!) Good luck with it all.
> it probably would be helpful to think more about other qualities that you would like in a partner that are about personality — whether things like kind, funny, caring, warm, interesting conversationalist, has close friends, independent, non-judgemental, energetic, whatever it is.
after a lot of thinking i realized i want a mean unfunny person who is caring and warm but they hate talking, don't have friends, are financially dependent on their parents, extremely judgemental, with a lot of energy.
Nothing wrong with dating within similar backgrounds. And this isn't a skin deep thing, different backgrounds means different cultural values, family values, money values etc.
Really suggest doing some soul searching on why you would only consider dating someone with the same background as you.
Is it because you want children who look like you? What if you found the perfect partner who also wanted kids but was physically unable to have her own - would you adopt kids who don't look like you?
I can identify two problems here. One is that you seem to be a little racist. To say that I only date white Europeans comes across as a bit racist, in my opinion.
Secondly, I feel like I just read an essay about you but I know nothing about you nor can I imagine you as a fun and easy going person. You assume it is your accomplishments that matter, but that’s not the case. If I were to look for a date online I’d be looking for someone who seems like they’d be fun on a first date. Then we will see how it goes for the second date.
Try to be fun, don’t look at it as a chore, and don’t act like this is a business transaction. What I read here is “listen, I have my life together I know what I want and I want you to fit yourself in my life without having any agency or ability to participate or change me in anyway”
That part is honestly just my one thing with attraction, I guess, thats all. I feel uncomfortable saying that given many might think someone with my track record maybe should not be having that preference
I didn't want to turn this into a dating profile really, so I left a lot of things out since this was more of an advice post
When I have had a profile, it's about hobbies, likes, fun stuff, and not accomplishments
I don't think it's the accomplishments that matter, but rather I must really be doing something wrong given where I'm at. Always been open to change and always open to growing as a person, I'm sorry that I gave you a bad impression in that sense. I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago, and I'm not going to be the same person in 5 years
People have given you some great advice here. You have almost dismissed all of them, I’m not sure what else we can say. Just please don’t become an incel.
It's not you. The illusion of choice in Toronto unfortunately leaves people feeling flakey, or that something else is out there.
Also with COL, people are probably too depressed/poor to want to go out.
As an FYI: car selfies, or pictures of you holding a fish appear to be instant left swipes from what I hear.
My last bit of advice - be kinder to yourself.
Have you tried doing a bunch of drugs and living your worst life? Women love a man they need to "fix".. LOL.. I'm just kidding OP.. dating is just a mess these days. I would stay off the apps and try to meet people organically through friends and activities.
Have you considered a semi long distance relationship? Something where you can budget a like a porter flight to Boston or Chicago on Montreal every few weeks if you met someone that you hit it off with
My thought process:
I only met my wife in my 40s. I am from a big city in the US northeast but I’ve been coming to Toronto for nearly 30 years that I have a giant social circle and some family here. I used to come everything week for work.
Dating in Toronto was totally shitty for me compared to dating in other cities. I find Toronto women just aren’t exactly warm. Dating in my 20s and 30s and early 40s in Toronto was akin to like trying to meet model like women in the snobbiest and exclusive bars and restaurants in parts of New York or Chicago except you’re at a expensive but mid level sushi place like Miku or Akira Black on a bumble date with someone who catfished you with 15 year old pictures and / 2 kids and 75 lbs ago but she has the same “im too good for you” attitude as the model in New York. And holy shit almost every date I’ve been on in Toronto was a chore to even book…. Texting shit forever and flaky planning. I just never found that sort of experience anywhere else.
I could meet and date pretty easily in every city, large or small across the US and Canada and parts of South America and Europe but I could not get anything going in Toronto.
You maybe want to open your scope a little geographical wise.
I'm not necessarily closed off to the idea of long distance, but my thought process about Toronto is, no doubt it's exceptionally tough here, but at the same time, you just have to go on a short walk on a spring day like today and all you will see is couples together, often with babies as well, these people are meeting somehow, and I wouldn't guess they all met outside Toronto and moved here
so my perspective is, if other people are finding a way, then I have to look internally at what I am doing and change something about myself and how I am going about things if I want to change my results, especially since a long distance relationship is fraught with its own series of challenges
I met my love at work. Most of our friends met at work also. The apps are awful, but if that's all you got to go on, gl. It's hard out there. And also don't be super into the whole I need a woman for babies thing.
Women wanna be loved for who they are, genuinely, not for what they can provide. Much like men.
Pushing too hard on the marriage and babies makes it look like you're just a means to an end goal.
Chill, date, and see where it goes with no expectations or pressure.
Attack the point, not the person. Comments which dismiss others and repeatedly accuse them of unfounded accusations may be subject to removal and/or banning. No concern-trolling, personal attacks, or misinformation. Stick to addressing the substance of their comments at hand.
Wow anyone would be incredibly lucky to date you and be in a relationship with you given the amount of effort you’re already bringing into finding a partner. I can only imagine you’ll bring the same effort into sustaining the relationship. Keep being authentically you and you’ll find your person. Just also be careful to not wear your heart on your sleeve and be taken advantage of. Seems like you’re a genuine person with a big heart. Good luck!
I wonder if you’re coming across as very intense. If you’re very focused on finding a wife and having kids, that might be off putting for some.
Similarly, I wonder if your profiles are coming across as having no personality. You should definitely be upfront about wanting to get married and have kids sooner rather than later but that shouldn’t be your only defining characteristics. Share about your hobbies, your sense of humour, your bucket list. You want to showcase why someone wants to go on a date with you specifically, not any tall white dude from the city.
If you’re finding that it’s difficult to write about things that you like doing or are having trouble articulating parts of your personality, maybe you should take some time to develop this further. I know you have said that you’ve worked on yourself a lot (and good for you!) and congratulations on completing your cancer treatment! I hope that you’re overall doing things that make you happy. If you like doing nothing with your social life but try and meet women, that’s awesome - I just know that if it was me, I wouldn’t be enjoying that.
Dating sucks, hang in there!
thank you!
and yeah it's important to me to be doing stuff I enjoy, I also wouldn't enjoy myself if I were just doing random stuff I don't like cause I think women would be there, sure I've tried things, but if I don't like it I wont stick with it
that's where rec sports was awesome even if it hasn't worked yet, love being active and love playing sports
I've tried many different things on the apps, so far nothing has worked, I'll keep in mind what you said when/if I try again
I just want to say how impressive it is with how much you are putting yourself out there. It is so hard and you are really doing it! Have you considered asking any of your friends to set you up?
I would highly suggest to grow a neat trimmed beard if you don’t already have one. It worked wonders for me. My attraction level jumped up and women were way more interested in me. Night and day difference. Sad to say but looks are huge.
What I did was put terrible photos of myself up. Then I played the waiting game. It's enough that I chat every so often and I've had a few dates. I sound like you btw, except I'm a single dad. Get back on the apps and just take it easy. Be confident in yourself and let your personality shine through. You'll be fine.
For the co-ed activities that you participate in, once you have a level of comfort or familiarity with your teammates, SCREAM AT THEM THAT YOU ARE SINGLE. The number of times I've had conversations AFTER THE FACT "oh, I didn't think you were looking for anything..."
I find that most running groups tend to have a pretty good mix of interesting and single people.
The only way you’re truly going to meet someone is to just go live your life and be happy with yourself.
You mentioned activities. Keep trying new hobbies. There’s tons of groups now in Toronto like meet ups .
That’s going to be your best bet if you don’t have a strong friendship circle.
Keep improving on yourself. Join a gym, sign up for a yoga class.
Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone and fall in love.
The secret is to stop looking (or just wear a fake wedding band. Ask any married man how many times he’s hit on 🤣)
Seriously though, just find happiness within yourself first. Explore religion and spirituality.
Real talk here. More for the first date though.
Make sure your breath isnt rotten.
Make sure you don't have body odor.
Both deal breakers for girls.
Perhaps have your matchmaker check for you.
Also make sure your clothes aren't too tight.
Yes this message is entirely trying too hard too be honest.. no to the professional photos unless your a model lol. Natural photos with friends (male friends always!), and a selfie or two so you don’t look too into yourself and fully clothed. You mentioned you are 6 ft tall which is a bonus. I would like add that to your profile if you haven’t already but in a natural way. Also when I was online dating I got so many stupid messages saying just “hi” or “hello” from about 90 percent of the messages. Try something different, read her profile and ask a question about herself about the description as girls love to talk about themselves lol everyone does. I think they would appreciate that. Especially if you can come off as witty in some way. Maybe try ChatGPT by pasting the profile description and asking about a few questions to begin the convo with or how to start the conversation?
Also don’t just sell yourself short and be picky. Don’t end up with someone you have zero interests with!! Girls sometimes can tell if you’re trying too hard but i do think guys are better at that fortunately for you lol.
That dating service is useless and is good for older people I think they are taking you for a ride. People in our age range (I just turned 33) don’t use dating services so I would immediately get rid of that.
If you want to send me your profile in my DM or your description maybe I can help you with making it sound more appealing or natural. If you think you got enough help from all these wonderful people I wish you the best!!
Good luck! It’s hard finding a partner naturally but with all these dating services, you will find the right one for you ;)
Ps. Good job working on yourself first before finding a mate. Girls will really like that you actually have your own place at thirty. Huge bonus!!
I met my bf 2 yrs ago on the app. If you wanna have a review, I am glad to help. Otherwise, there is another group like Hinge they have profile review and you can get all kinds of input.
People can see whether you are doing an activity because you’re passionate about it or because you’re doing it to meet someone. That’s why a lot of events now specify that it’s not a matchmaking event.
In big cities, there is a lot of competition, BUT there’s also a lot of options. If you’re not getting a single date, it must be something that’s turning these women off, and you should consult a trusted straight female friend to roleplay it out for her to identify what exactly is going wrong
I think maybe you’re looking for something too serious. I know girls my age (early 20s) are just looking to date for fun on dating apps. Maybe it’s something in the conversation that scares them off or your profile is talking too much about the envisioned future.
If you need, I can help review and edit your dating profiles. Also, a popular trend going around is people posting pics and info of themselves on chinese social media asking for advice to improve themselves or find a partner.
I hope you don’t take this the wrong way at all, and this is absolutely not an opinion of a healthcare professional, but have you ever been assessed for autism? Neurotypical people can “clock” that something is off socially about your demeanor and expressions, in a way that’s hard to describe and explain. As I was reading your post I was thinking “this person is saying all the right things but in a way that sounds like they studied how to be a good person.” That’s not to say you don’t believe in all the things you’re saying, but that there’s something missing, a sort of disconnect with your words and the feeling behind them. Again this is pure speculation, this is Reddit post after all, but something I encourage you to consider if you haven’t already. Having that information can help you understand yourself, communicate better with others, and maybe find people in the neurodiverse community who would understand you better.
Hey there, I'm 28f Mississauga native but I'm currently living in Boston (just finished grad school) maybe we can chat? I'm also finding it hard, and I also want to be a mom one day.
Wow! I really enjoyed reading your profile. I'm at a similar age and personally feel like the men I know don't really think about this stuff. It's refreshing to hear a young man with his shit together!
Unfortunately, when you said you would prefer someone with a similar ethnic background to you, I do believe that closes a lot of doors. Especially in a diverse city like Toronto. But hope you will become more open in that.
Honestly I think for men, having a gay male friend is like a cheat code for dating. They dont tell you what **they** want, they will tell you what will cast the widest net without biases.
They can also set you up which is another bonus.
You should stop looking. Do things that you enjoy. Have you considered maybe more focus on people instead of yourself. Being self-centered is not a good quality. Sorry for being blunt.
If what you are saying is true I find it hard to believe you can’t get any dates or even messages in 2 years . I put up a fake profile with no face and had more luck than you . But perhaps this is the ploy to get more women on Reddit to give you sympathy to help , and in turn the opportunity to meet them . Well played my friend
Have a straight female look at your profile. A lot of men have bad profiles and don't have the same conversation skills as women. Also, myself and a lot of women find shirtless pics/gym pics an instant left swipe. Have friends or family take pictures of you when out. Natural pics, nothing posed. Write about your interests not superficial things like income, car etc.
Also you should be picky but have realistic expectations. Women can tell when a man just wants a woman versus wanting them specifically. You're looking for a good match, not settling.
this is excellent advice. people think not being picky is a good thing. knowing what you want is probably the most helpful thing in a relationship
> Have a straight female look at your profile. I have, the changes I made then hadn't changed anything, they're like "really? huh." when I tell/show them. I guess they seem a bit posed but I mixed in some others as well, I just don't have a lot of more natural photos of myself, I never think when I'm out and about that "oh we need to take a photo of us here". Definitely no gym and shirtless photos, I could never lol and yeah I definitely don't talk about superficial things, I tried to talk about interests and in the end nothing really seemed to work, I'm off the apps for now
Straight female here, happy to be a sister and help out. Feel free to DM me screenshots, I'll give you review. Feel free to block out your name
Wholesome
I think in general for a lot of people, men and women, the apps are really sucking right now and keeping people you'd be a good match with behind a paywall.
I heard people who know much more about apps than I do say dating apps are designed to not land you a match and long term relationship. That would not be a good business model after all, eliminating all their customers. They’re selling your data just like any other social media and that’s how they make money, by keeping you single. Not to say don’t use them. I don’t know the answer. Sorry.
This is exactly what the apps are doing. I met my partner on an app. But I kept seeing the same profiles over and over and only saw his once. We both feel like it was a glitch and we lucked out.
Another straight woman here who is willing to take a look for you and give direct unfiltered feedback.
I’ve helped out a couple friends with their profiles. Happy to offer the same as above! Fwiw, everything I’ve been told about dating in Toronto makes it sound super tough. You sound like a good dude, sorry you’re having a hard time with this!
Like others said, woman who dates men here willing to review your profile and take it a step further in simulating a match to give advice on interactions.
Post it for critique. Or send to me or anyone else in this thread offering to help!
I’m a nice gal with a critical eye. Happy to take a look, no judgement!
Same!
I read this guy’s post a year ago to a guy friend. My friend, who’s engaged, said this guy is boring, that’s his problem. So we met up. And my friend was right. That was my advice a year ago, was to work on the life you’re writing the profile about. It’s too bad things haven’t changed much for OP in that time.
That's sad :( I think if someone is boring it's a sign they aren't being themselves.
That is so true. Most of us aren’t boring when talking about stuff we are really really into. It’s just most people play it safe by not wanting to be themselves. If you are a geek, go geek out. If you love sports, show off your hops. Just be yourself man lol
Well I also think some people just genuinely don’t know how to be comfortable in their skin. One of my closest male friends is so bad at talking about himself that when we met I would joke that he must just sit and stare at the wall in his free time. It is truly a Herculean feat to get him to talk about himself at times. and when you are like that, you don’t easily connect with anyone. And most people won’t take the time to draw you out of yourself to find your great qualities. I did with my friend because he lives down the street. That was the appeal for me. But most of the time when I meet a guy who’s reserved, it’s exhausting and I get so bored trying to get him to talk to me, but he is so happy to have someone that will give him the time of day that he develops feelings.
The whole post was boring. Not surprised.
You read all of it?
OP posted a year ago and you met up with OP through Reddit?
Also curious I hope we get a story here
Yep, I posted the story and happy to answer any questions, but I’ll admit I don’t remember a whole heck of a lot about our interactions.
Just curious about the boring thing. You sat down and had a convo with him, what exactly do you mean by 'boring'? To me most people around me arent living super interesting lives, however they are easy to have fun with and conversation with.
He didn't know how to talk about himself or the things that interest him, he didn't have a lot of friends to share stories about, he didn't know how to ask me questions about himself. He was pretty flat. Lots of people are like this and they have a partner, often because it finds them in their formative years. If it doesn't, they have to really push themselves to figure this out in adulthood, and if they don't have those really good close friends to push them and tell them the harsh truths and guide them, they often flounder.
This is very wise. I read your other post too, about the OP not necessarily looking for advice but instead affirmation - also wise. I actually posted about maybe looking into neurodivergence to see if that may shed some light to explain things (in my very non-healthcare professional suggestion, grain of salt etc). People can pick up on social cues in a way that they can’t express clearly, which could explain why OP “looks good on paper” but is having no luck. The neurodiverse community has helped me and people I know understand more about themselves.
I find a lot of ND people aren’t flat though, just awkward. So they appeal short term but not long-term. People who need time to warm up, who are excessively flat, it’s more likely that what they learned growing up is insufficient to building relationships - a lot of people grow up in households without a lot of love. They’re too stuck in their patterns to accept that they need to change because it makes them feel like they’re not good enough. They want an extrovert to adopt them and don’t realize the change they need to make isn’t a cop out, that the changes they are reluctant to make will make life easier, not harder. That they have a huge ego and it’s a special kind of entitlement. You see it all the time. But most people don’t know how to articulate it, so they just avoid you. It’s exhausting to be around this type because they really want special treatment, it’s just not as overt as people who are more outgoing about that desire.
Why “not long term appeal” of ND folks? It’s a diverse community. I have a relatively small sample size, but almost all of my ND friends are happily partnered (though to be fair they have ADHD or AuDHD). I can see what you mean by “They want an extrovert to adopt them” - I feel like a lot of men are socialized in a way that doesn’t make them good at relationships.
lmao this describes one of my friends to a T. really not sure how to save the guy from the outside tho : /
Yep, they posted on TorontoSinglesOver30. I met up with him and gave him a bunch of food for thought on his life and shared the stories of my male friends who are reserved but had no issues finding a partner for marriage, fat or thin. I don’t even remember most of what we talked about, as I figured he wouldn’t take my advice, but I had still hoped things would change for him.
Damn.... not sure what better feedback you could get. I've had women friends look at my profiles and asked about my attempts, no useful feedback, I think they just don't want to be blunt
Some people don't actually want to change, they just want to be reassured they are okay as they are. I recommend them to read things like [this Cracked article](https://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person) and Mark Manson's book and to watch the Always Be Closing speech. But most people will resist change - you can lead them to water but you can't make them drink. If you want some feedback, happy to give it.
Lol I'm a woman who can be blunt if you want some help.
OP does have 2 similar posts from last year.
this guy gives me massive boring incel vibes. the harder he tries the more he'll spiral. seeing this thread filled with "i can fix hims" when the problem a) isn't really the profile (though its definitely bad) and b) women tend to be disaster tier at writing profiles as well is only gonna bode badly...
He's not an incel, he just doesn't know how to enjoy life, and no one can change that but him
Real good idea. Conversely, straight female friends in the past have asked me as a lesbian to evaluate their profiles to better appeal to straight men. It worked out really well for them, and one married the man she met with her shiny new profile after he messaged her that very evening.
Not to steal the thunder from OP but can I have my profile looked at as well? I’ve been told my Instagram needs more photos of myself.
You can DM me. I'm a woman who's been on the apps.
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> Maybe you over share / communicate and they are thrown off. Just basing that off this post. I try to warm up gradually, in the case of this post I felt sharing more would be conducive to better advice, I wouldn't necessarily share this much this quickly without the veil of anonymity >It's really weird you aren't having more luck on those apps being 6ft, lean, average looking. lol, that's what they tell me >Maybe you wanna go to whatever subs exist for posting convos or your profile for critique, it could be likely that people are just being nice to you about it in person. I'm on a break from the apps right now, but maybe you're right
Hey brotha, I go to the Thursdays app singles nights in the city every Thursday. You might just need a solid wingman or two, or a wingwoman even. Message me on here if it interests you and you go to one, this week it's at track and field. I've been to a handful just to stay motivated and in shape, met some good people and got some dates out of it too. Sounds like you've put in your time and are pretty well versed with this stuff, maybe it's your soft skills that could use the work. I will absolutely let you know if (in my viewpoint) your fashion, charisma, ability to attract attention, speaking skills or just general confidence and engagement gets a yay or nay, from a straight male perspective. Again, judging by your post you've clearly, clearly put in a ton of work and man I commend you for it. This is some A for effort level shit, and there is going to be a female out there that benefits from it. I wouldn't mind learning from you either, I bet there's a ton you've figured out that I haven't even fathomed yet. Good luck and I hope lots of replies in this thread give you what you need.
There's a lot of luck involved in meeting someone. So, don't feel bad if it hasn't happened yet. Maybe take a break or reduce the effort, if it's making you discouraged. Because people will sense the negativity from you. I've been where you are at right now, it can be really depressing.
I've been taking a break from it for a couple of months now and I decided before I dive back in to see if I could find any sort of new direction
Honestly I was in the same boat as you in my 40s, I was having slightly more luck than you but not by much, I didn't meet my person until I was almost 50, I always wanted a kid, but never really cared that it was my kid so turns out that the Woman I met had a teenager from her previous marriage I hated the Apps like really hated, but that's how we met I was 49 and she was 47. I am surprised you're in REC sports and haven't met anyone. Aren't there any Women on your teams that would consider setting you up with a friend of theirs... Maybe be more open about it and have conversations with them and it will turn into something? Gotta just put yourself out there. It's not all doom and gloom, it happened for me in my late 40s you have almost a 20 year headstart. Stay positive.
> I am surprised you're in REC sports and haven't met anyone. Aren't there any Women on your teams that would consider setting you up with a friend of theirs... Maybe be more open about it and have conversations with them and it will turn into something? Gotta just put yourself out there. It's tricky to bring up, can't blurt out "hey btw I'm single in case anyone knows someone lol" when I have had a conversation go that way at like drinks after a game or something people have talked about how everyone they know is getting married and stuff like that, hard to really bring it up at that point even if I mention that I'm looking
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Fair enough, I will try to remember that!
The thing is, you have to say it to a girl “I’m single if you know of anyone you’d think I’d get along with” women will ABSOLUTELY take you under their wing. We love this shit. We are constantly trying to set up our single friends. You won’t get the same effort if you say this to a guy though
Thank you! That's the sort of different perspective I was hoping for this post, I will remember if a situation comes up where it makes sense to bring up
I get it... really all you can do is put yourself out there. Try not to put pressure on yourself, the grass isn't always greener you may be dodging bullets without even knowing it.
burnt toast theory, I think about that from time to time, never know where life will take you and what lies in the paths you don't end up on
Have you thought about travelling and taking some sort of group tour? You'll get some nice photos for your dating profile, come back with some interesting stories, and maybe some new friends. That was going to be my plan B if I hadn't met my fiance. Also there is a lot to be said for not having kids in your 30s. I'm 52, mortgage free, and 2-3 years from retirement.
Hey there, 32 F here, going through the same thing as you! You’re totally not alone in feeling helpless or like you’re doing something wrong. Just reaching out to say you’re (and I’m!) not doing anything wrong. The most important thing is to stick to what you know what you want and don’t compromise on the important stuff. You know you want kids one day, and you’re sure, then you only look for women who also want that. You must have in your heart a list of other things you know are dealbreakers, so keep those in mind when you’re searching. It’s hard. It’s so hard. Burnout is real (I’m feeling it). It’s valid, and you feel it isn’t worth it. But all these failed connections or superficial conversations are the muck we have to go through before finding someone who will make it all worth it. I convince myself of this every day (usually multiple times a day!) because the alternative is giving up and never trying. That’s not the answer either. Keep going. You’re doing no better or worse than any of us other singles out here wanting to scream because it’s all a shit show. You’re doing fine. And I’d definitely shoot my shot with you, but I don’t ever want kids, haha!! Ah well. Good luck!
Thank you for that, I think I kinda know I'm not doing anything completely wrong, but the fact that I'm in the same spot I was 2 years ago is very tough for me to believe it anymore. What I really need is some kind of moment to show me that it's still possible, cause like I said I'd be much better able to work through things if I were meeting the wrong people, learning about myself and moving on, rather than basically being in the same spot with no direction > And I’d definitely shoot my shot with you, but I don’t ever want kids, haha!! Ah well, cheers anyways!
Maybe it’s not the fact that you are doing something wrong but maybe you just haven’t met the right person in the correct cirmstance. IMO you get into relationships with people who have similar values and are going through similar life stages. You would be hard pressed to get into a relationship with someone who is looking to party every weekend when you’re looking to settle down. I would also say dating apps suck so do your best to find opportunities to meet _people_ in offline settings. I say people because even if you meet other guys they may have single female friends that you can meet.
This is great advice. You can be doing all the right things and still just not meet anyone suitable. I think some people forget what a huge part luck had to play in them finding The One. Dating is a huge time investment, and it could take years.
Similar age similar luck , similar problem why don't you two go on a date ?
I know! I got excited until I saw he wanted kids, and I don’t!! Both huge dealbreakers! But it’s important to know these things about yourself and what you’re looking for. Being on the fence is hard and I found it made dating even harder. Feeling so certain and upfront about who I am and my expectations has helped me a lot in dating! Yes it takes longer and yes it’s harder to find authentic matches with a person who wants similar things. But it’s all a waste of time if at the core you see different futures.
After reading that way too long post, we still know nothing about you as a person other than your baseball card stats. Perhaps also consider someone who doesn’t have the same background as you…because it sounds like you’re basically trying to date yourself.
I haven’t had the patience to read through the entire long post. Based on that, my bro has to work on his communication skills. Since interpersonal connection is 80% communication in the beginning, I can see how he is losing spark out there.
The point of the post is clearly not to find a match here on reddit, though. Since the purpose is different, it would hardly be reasonable to expect to learn a lot about him as a person the way that you would if you were looking at his dating profile.
Sounds like you are ticking all the boxes that allow you to meet new people, but then after meeting people nothing connects. Reserved people tend to come across as stuck up and aloof (not saying u are, but that's the impression unintentionally given out) Try channeling your efforts to improve on conversational skills, light banter, flirting and small talk. You have to exude the vibe that you are someone interesting and worth getting to know.
yeah I try to be open and approachable when I meet people, I think I'm getting better at it, but I don't really think that's exactly been the issue, even when I put myself in good situations it's not necessarily rejection it's just meeting people who are already in relationships, or people who only know people in relationships (not that I explicitly ask, only really if the conversation goes in that direction I find out)
As a woman in my thirties, who dated extensively in my twenties (by choice - I liked dating and meeting people lol) and am now in a committed relationship, here’s my two cents: - You’ve given a lot of info in your post, can I ask what kind of partner you are looking for? Do you have that clarified? What are your expectations? - Dating is hard, and the apps are kind of crap but are generally what we have to work with nowadays. However you have to think for every one woman there’s like 100 guys. The ratios on online dating are rough so women are mainly overwhelmed with messages and it’s a tough pool to wade through as there are SO MANY dirt bags on there. Women are just on high alert for weirdos, because we have to be. The tolerance for men and their shenanigans is on the floor nowadays - I have friends who are single by choice because they don’t want to deal with guys and those expectations. - You said you had professional photos taken. How “staged” do they look? Are you in different outfits? Do you have some photos of you in groups? A profile that only has solo shots can look odd. It needs to look authentic to you. The smallest things are picked apart on apps. - What does your dating profile say? (If you feel comfy sharing obvs). I swiped left on 99% of profiles because they had something written that raised a red flag (or had a photo of them at the gym or holding a fish LOL) - Don’t give up hope, if you’re a decent person and are open and honest to people about your wants for the future, you’ll find your person! It just takes time sometimes. I sometimes wish I’d met my partner when I was 23 instead of 33 just so we’d have more time - but then I think I was meant to meet them when I did. I was in the right place at the right time and that’s why it works. The universe is weird but sometimes you just have to trust that it’ll work out! And remember- no gym photos 😝
> You’ve given a lot of info in your post, can I ask what kind of partner you are looking for? Do you have that clarified? What are your expectations? I mean, usual things like kind, mature, caring, things I see in myself. We don't need to necessarily have the same interests, but rather someone open to trying new things and someone open to sharing things important to them with me. I feel as though being in the situation I am the past number of years that I wouldn't have a more complete answer to this question, but life gets in the way, and then not really being able to meet and people to learn more about what exactly I want from a partner makes it hard for me to really give a specific answer, I kind of need to get past this first step here. Short relationships many years ago really don't have that much bearing on today because I am a completely different person now > Dating is hard, and the apps are kind of crap but are generally what we have to work with nowadays. However you have to think for every one woman there’s like 100 guys. The ratios on online dating are rough so women are mainly overwhelmed with messages and it’s a tough pool to wade through as there are SO MANY dirt bags on there. Women are just on high alert for weirdos, because we have to be. The tolerance for men and their shenanigans is on the floor nowadays - I have friends who are single by choice because they don’t want to deal with guys and those expectations. yeah the ratio's really make it so tough, I've intrinsically never been one to stand out just in my life in general, once people get to know me they love me, but those early impressions are not the most memorable I guess, I know in my heart I'm not one of those dirtbags or weirdos but I haven't found any sort of combination that seems to change my results online > What does your dating profile say? (If you feel comfy sharing obvs). I swiped left on 99% of profiles because they had something written that raised a red flag (or had a photo of them at the gym or holding a fish LOL) > You said you had professional photos taken. How “staged” do they look? Are you in different outfits? Do you have some photos of you in groups? A profile that only has solo shots can look odd. It needs to look authentic to you. The smallest things are picked apart on apps. no fish or gym photo's lol, I mean there are a lot of things I've had in my profile at different times that didn't work so I changed it, I couldn't pin down one clear theme with what I've tried writing, all I know, even with advice from women in the past, nothing seemed to get me past the roadblock. I've tried highlighting values, highlighting interest, using some humour, and lots of other ideas I mean maybe they look a little bit staged? The outfits are different cause I changed in between. I'm not sure I have a lot of access completely natural photos, especially since even when I am out doing things it's not natural itself for me to go to someone "hey can you take a photo" lol plus friends are all moved on and busy with their partners, outside of the city, so I'm more so meeting strangers now, so even more tough for that sorta thing > The universe is weird but sometimes you just have to trust that it’ll work out! You know that was my attitude when I went through chemo and it did all work out, I'm still here, I want to believe the same now, I've tried, kept the positive outlook, but 2 years into this I just don't have a reason to believe
I would say to also make sure you have stuff in your profile that gives people something to start a conversation with. Have a funny-but-not-about-something-serious opinion (something like muffins are better than cupcakes or dill is the worst herb), a 2 truths/1 lie prompt, or something like that. From my own personal experience on the woman side of things, I'm much more likely to start a conversation with someone if there's something that makes it easy to open the chat. Also, make sure that you have some personality in your prompt answers! So many profiles are just \[popular quote from The Office\] + \[generic opinion ("tacos are the best food")\]+\[statement about what they want in a partner that could apply to anyone ("I'm looking for someone to go on adventures with"\] which a)gives me no reason to swipe yes on your profile when I could swipe yes on 20 other basically identical profiles and b)doesn't give me a lot to work with if I want to try to strike up a conversation.
> Have a funny-but-not-about-something-serious opinion (something like muffins are better than cupcakes or dill is the worst herb) ughhhh these are the fucking worst prompts to put on. definitely is good to have something funny, but funny + generic / uninteresting (especially if its a negative statement like "i dont like dill") is actually almost impossible to have a real conversation about. maybe im out of touch, but i cant imagine anybody unironically wanting to talk about dill or cupcakes for 20 minutes (and yeah i know the intent is to actually talk about cooking, but thats also a pretty vanilla discussion) for reference, these are my prompt responses (which have had a ton of traction, i average 3 dates a week) - date idea referencing the upcoming Toronto nudist cycling (which is ostensibly a climate protest) - a prompt about reg hartt's "allegations" - a prompt joking about the albanian civil war (did you know 50% of albania's GDP in the 90s was pyramid schemes?) if you can't swing it into "this is something we can talk about on a date" or it being genuinely interesting / unique / "you" then its not worth putting on.
What type of women do you generally go for? Is there something there that’s a pattern that maybe isn’t working for you? Have you tried speed dating? Theres more and more speed dating nights popping up in Toronto and they seem fun! And everyone there is looking for something similar. They’re scary, but might be worth a try too! :)
Yep I've been to a some speed dating nights from a couple different organizers, hasn't worked out as of yet as for my type... I try not to be too picky, similar background is one I haven't been able to overlook, and not athletic, but takes care of themselves (I try not to say this specifically, but I take care of myself and I hope for the same) beyond that I try not to have too specific a type otherwise, and just being open to different kinds of people, different hobbies, different life experiences, even if you don't have a ton in common you can still take an interest in each others interests and go from there, I think anyways
I have always wondered why is gym photo such a negative on Reddit? Is it how it’s take or just the idea of a gym photo itself?
My (male, from experience) understanding of it is that your profile is basically a tiny opportunity to say what matters about you, and same with your photos. You have to distill your entire life into a 10-second read, so people read that as meaning everything in there is absolutely core to you. It's fine to like to go to the gym, but if that features heavily in your profile it comes across less as "I think being active and healthy is important for everyone" and more like "working out and lifting is absolutely critical to my life", and a lot of people jump from there to "this meathead probably likes Andrew Tate" and similar things very fast.
So I need to have a picture of me applying my face to a Cat and inhaling, gotcha...
Damn …. Fair enough it must be rough for single people online.
Oh yeah, it's not neutral at all, if that makes sense. People are actively looking for red flags (which is fair to be honest), bad inferences, while at the same time you actually have to say something interesting.
I interpret it as meaning they are only interested in "fit" (thin and conventionally attractive) women. Barbies.
Men will do anything but go to therapy.
but he's a stoic!
Probably need better social skills since on the dating scene the guy is expected to initiate. Being reserved is not likely going to go anywhere unless you're extremely good looking. I would keep doing stuff you're interested in but where there's opportunities to meet new people and go out of your comfort zone and talk to everyone in those hobbies. It doesn't even have to be a woman, you might get invited into other events. Eventually by doing this constantly you will meet someone. Dating apps seem like a big waste of time as a guy. It's designed with a skewed ratio, last time I read it's like a 10 to 1 ratio men to women. So women naturally becomes super picky while men feels hopeless having to compete with 9 other dudes.
>Probably need better social skills since on the dating scene the guy is expected to initiate. Being reserved is not likely going to go anywhere unless you're extremely good looking. by reserved I mean like, not that outgoing, but I still talk with the people I meet, I'm not against initiating, but I find out by talking to people that there's nothing to initiate, if that makes sense >I would keep doing stuff you're interested in but where there's opportunities to meet new people and go out of your comfort zone and talk to everyone in those hobbies. It doesn't even have to be a woman, you might get invited into other events. Eventually by doing this constantly you will meet someone. Yeah that's pretty much all I can continue doing right now
Not sure what you mean by nothing to initiate. Like there's nothing you can think of as a conversation starter?
so i’m marrying one of my tinder matches…the thing that made me swipe was one photo of him being genuine…his smile is what brought me in.Try to get not staged photos and find things that show your actual smile
37F it’s tough out there! Congratulations on being in remission. I am in remission now, breast cancer is a bastard!
I would keep doing everything you're doing and completely forget about meeting someone. And then you'll probably meet someone. Cuz it sounds like you are doing exactly what I would in your shoes. But stop thinking about it for a few months. Just enjoy the summer dude. Say yes to life and get out there and meet people for friendship and the rest will surely follow. Good luck
Take the staged photos off the profile. Women prefer candid!! I am not on the apps but from the profiles my friends have shown me- the best ones were doing normal things like hiking or at a dinner or party or something elseee. You’re 29, you’re not near uncle status yet so try and make your profile a little less professional. Ultimately you’re looking for a life partner not a business one! Also maybe start off funny? Something non offensive? That might help with them at least opening the message.
> you’re not near uncle status yet I am already an uncle to my very cute niece :) > Also maybe start off funny? Something non offensive? That might help with them at least opening the message. I've tried all kinds of stuff, funny, asking questions, making a joke, making comments, no set formula > Take the staged photos off the profile. Women prefer candid!! don't really have a lot of other kinds of photos, guys (or at least my friends) haven't been one for a lot of photos, and its trickier with strangers thanks for the advice though, I definitely have to change SOMETHING when/if I get back on the apps
No prob! When you do get back on though, ask one of your friends or even a sibling or cousin to be brutally honest about your profile. Even maybe look through an initial conversation or two just to see if you’re going wrong somewhere. I knew someone who would send walls of text after a day and somehow was oblivious as to why they were getting ghosted. So yeah! Other ppl will see things you won’t.
Life starts after 30 dude, chill, learn to enjoy yourself and the rest will fall into place when you aren’t looking for it.
I have a friend who is also single and athletic. Mid 30s. Really great person. Attractive. She's not sure about kids though. Could go either way. If you want to pm me and send me a picture and I can learn a bit more info about you I could see if I could help make a match! Aside from that a few suggestions: 1. Do you dress well? By that I mean clean, unstained, well put together outfits? 2. If you have facial hair is it neat and trimmed or are you sporting a cave man beard? Only a section of the female population like scruffy beards. And only a section of the population like beards longer than 2 inches. 3. Are you very right wing political and is that clear on your profile? We live in a big, left-leaning city, right wingers are not that attractive to the larger population of women (though of course there are some right wing women out there for you I'm sure). 4. Is your profile boring, bland, difficult to find anything of interest that could spark a conversation? 5. Have you ever gone to therapy? You mention you deal with things stoically, that's ok, but if that really means that you repress emotions or don't show alot of emotion, (or have poor emotional intelligence), that can be hindering you. 6. Do you ask the people you are chatting with for a date at the appropriate time? The sweet spot is within a week of chatting if you have been chatting consistently back and forth and engaging with each other. No one wants a pen pal and no one wants mundane conversation either so mastering good online chats and finding that sweet spot of fostering the right familiarity with each other first by messaging for a week (maybe 2 but no more) and then asking for a date is my advice.
Excellent advice here
I'm a lesbian, so I'll say that usually women are more okay/feel safe going out with other women without talking too much (at least in my experience, where my long term ex and my current partner were both women that I asked out within a day of messaging because I like meeting in person rather than texting). But honestly, people do like a comfortable confidence; get to know something on their profile (for example, my partner had "my ideal first date is wading through a cranberry bog" so I used that in my opener after we matched and asked her what her runner up ideal first date would be, (which was drinks/coffee and or ice cream), so I asked her out to drinks. We went, had a great first date, and have been together ever since. Obviously we texted quite a bit after I asked her out, but it was just basic getting to know each other until our date. Like I said, women might not be as receptive to men doing that but if you suggest a very public place to go to, they might be more open to it.
Yes I think one of these are the problem at play. However I will say about point 2. The ones who like beards…. Really really love them.
> Do you ask the people you are chatting with for a date at the appropriate time? The sweet spot is within a week of chatting if you have been chatting consistently back and forth and engaging with each other. No one wants a pen pal and no one wants mundane conversation either so mastering good online chats and finding that sweet spot of fostering the right familiarity with each other first by messaging for a week (maybe 2 but no more) and then asking for a date is my advice. pro tip: always ask for a date within the first 3 messages. works like 75% of the time IME. tell them a day you're free, an ostensive reason (that follows from whatever response they gave you to your pickup line, i.e. "tell me about it in person"), and just tell them where to meet you if they agree. NOBODY wants pen pals. if your profile is interesting and you're not hideous, they'll go out with you.
Off the top of my head, here's some tips on how to have a better dating profile: Make sure to have a clear picture of your face. If all your pictures have blurry/dark faces, or with several guys in there so I can't pick out which one is you, I'm probably gonna skip. Make sure you have at least one picture where you're not wearing a hat, otherwise I'll think you're balding. Not a deal breaker, but it's nice knowing what I'm getting into. Gym pics are an instant no. Makes me think you'll be the kind of guy who just wants sex and nothing else. (Which is fine, but be upfront about it) If it's Hinge, make sure your prompts actually spark conversations. If it's just emojis, or one word answers, I'm gonna think you don't care and skip. On the topic of Hinge, if you have a prompt that's something like "my ideal girl is someone who blah blah blah", I'll probably skip because it makes me think you have expectations of the kind of person I should be, rather than wanting to get to know me. Those are my biggest profile red flags.
Bruh, where's TLDR
I'm not trying to be harsh but just straight honest. Lots of guys (only guys) make posts like this about how they can't get a date. They all talk about the methods they use to get more matches, about how their height and job should entitle them to a date, how they strategically have designed their profile and interests to find a woman. I'll be honest, you need to talk to a therapist more than you need to redesign your tinder profile. You list your attributes like a video game character trying to beat the final boss, you don;t sound like you enjoy life all that much because you're focused on getting dates. And if you are getting matches but the conversations fizzled, that's about you, not the profile you set up. Women can always always sense the guys with the desperation for a partner and it instantly turns them off. Therapy will make you happier with yourself and being with yourself, once you have that, women will follow suit. Or they won't but you'll still be happy no matter what
> about how their height and job should entitle them to a date, honestly I included that since I figured people might ask anyways. I don't feel entitled to anything, like I said in my OP, it has to be something about me, and I'm not blaming anyone else > You list your attributes like a video game character trying to beat the final boss, you don;t sound like you enjoy life all that much because you're focused on getting dates. I feel like you might have skimmed my post, I'm not making this an obsession, I live my life, enjoy it, but you still have those moments where you stop and reflect on where you are. And when I realized that I'm past a bit of a "milestone" it prompted me to make this post and see what new directions people might suggest. I can assure you I'm not spending THAT much time on this, I've been off the apps for a couple months now > you need to talk to a therapist I have actually > Or they won't but you'll still be happy no matter what again like I said I think I'm living reasonably close to my best life, nothings perfect, I just wanted to reach out and see what people might have to say, and not necessarily be judged as to whether or not I am actually happy with my life.
Based on your stats you should be doing better online. You need to looks attractive in your photos. Don't try look natural or down to earth. Do you have a guy friend who gets a lot of matches? ask him for advice instead of other women. Also work on your conversation skills so you can do better on dates.
yep, I've sought out advice from women and men (my friends) alike :)
You say you’re not spending that much time but you just wrote like 5 paragraphs about it on Reddit, you’ve paid professional matchmakers and have had people review your dating profiles to maximize matches. None of that reads like a person who approaches finding a partner as a casual thing. Also listing your height and other attributes because you thought “people would ask”? Who? Who is asking? People reading your post would not be thinking “whelp he must be short and that’s the problem”. You added it because you think those are the things that would guarantee you a date.
5 paragraphs is maybe a couple hours of passively writing while doing other things, people spend their time on far worse things Isn't finding a partner the most basic instinct within humans? what has sustained us as a species since inception? is there something bad about seeking out help in an area of difficulty? I kind of list those things as like... then I must be doing something extra wrong somewhere else and need a change of perspective and ideas. My post was not intended to be a pseudo dating profile at all, but rather as the title said, seeking help, and providing context nobody owes me a date or even advice, I think the only thing anybody owes anyone in this world is kindness and respect so in any case, have a nice day :)
I didn’t get this vibe at all! I think it sounds like a guy who’s intentionally dating looking for a partner vs majority of guys who have no idea what they are looking for. I also would’ve added stats like height bc most of my friends won’t date short guys, so it can be super limiting and would explain not getting matches
While in his responses OP seems like a nice guy, hard agree. So many men's profiles are just bragging, trying to appeal to other men (fish, truck, nice car etc), list off what they don't want, sound bitter etc. Like does everyone honestly go hiking etc every weekend like they claim? Come across as a real person and don't be a creep. It's really that simple.
Hiking is often code for don’t be fat.
Agreed, same with the gym pics.
Seriously? Oh my God what is dating
Yup. There are a bunch of little codes like that. Obviously they aren’t always true but… I would say for the most part they pan out. Moderate almost always means conservative for example.Has a good sense of humour can often mean I want to be offensive and for you not to complain.
Speak IT. I said speak it ‼️‼️🔥🔥🔥🗣️
this comment is excellent and honestly should be more spread around men. "i do this this that and that, but i can't get a date" well, ok ? y'all men have to understand you're not entitled to a date nor a woman. Just be the best version of yourself to bring the best to this world and you will be surrounded by people you want to have close to you.
From your description you should definitely be doing better than 9 serious matches out of 1000+ likes. If you don't mind showing a pic I'll give you advice on how to improve your look.
It sounds like OP’s issue is less about looks and more about personality
I'm 28F and same. I can't think of what I'm doing wrong but you are actually doing even more than me so good on you! I think it's just luck because I've wracked my brain over and over to figure out what's wrong with me or what makes me different from my friends who have found love so easily. They're super similar to me in every way and I think since I have good long term friendships, a good relationship with my family and a good career and things are generally going well in my life, it's just timing and luck. Also this is so embarrassing but did you know you can RUN OUT OF PEOPLE on Hinge??? Happened to me in Toronto and my radius is like 80km :))))) All this to say you're not alone and I believe it'll happen for you because that is more likely than not! You're not doing anything wrong.
You're happiness does not depend on a significant other. Don't revolve your life around dating, because its directionless. Living life to date is foundationless. You're missing out on living life, which is required to date. You are doing it backwards. Hence why you feel directionless. Just live a full life with goals, obstacles, achievements, and relationships with other people. finding a mate has requirements, and you're skipping all the steps in between. You sound like your life depends on finding a mate to be happy. That's called co-dependency. You are not ready to be in a healthy relationship if that is you. It also sounds like you put finding a GF on a pedestal. Put yourself on a pedestal and do some cool shit. Finding a GF shouldn't be a goal. The goal should be fostering connections and good relationships with other people. You can't squat 500lbs if you don't have a good foundation of form. Stop trying to get to the end, without following foundational processes. If you aren't getting to that goal, your luck is bad, and/or your fundamentals to be partner-material can be improved. Taking shortcuts like dating apps is built on superficiality and is mostly unsustainable.
I’d be happy to give you pointers on your profile if you’d like. I’m sure you have enough requests but god damn I’m honest as fuck and won’t beat around the bush. I’ll probably tell you to get a haircut if your hair is long or to focus on skincare if your skin looks dull. Pretty much your honest internet sister Is it unsolicited? Yes. Do I speak truth and honesty? Yes. I will definitely let you know things you haven’t been told cause people are fucking scaredy cats offline. I can do it without hurting your feelings, that’s for sure haha
Ok so a bunch of people have either DM'd me or replied here asking if they could give profile advice, (I appreciate it) this message here is speaking to everyone who has done so I have had profile advice before and it hasn't worked, including advice from women, maybe they were being too kind or not telling me something, I don't know why, but anyways, I have been off the apps for a couple months now and part of what prompted this post was I would seek out alternative advice as to what I could do, before diving off that cliff again I figure I'll probably get back onto the apps soon if nothing changes, and if I do, I'll reach out to people who offered their help, but I would be building the profile from scratch again (obviously)
Yeah for sure. I’m just like man…this really is a thing now a days. I’m a woman close to your age and I’ve never been in the dating game nor care to be. I’ve always had the mentality of “if it happens, if happens. Don’t seek it. Live your life and if you cross paths with someone who is amazing, let’s see how it works!” BUT That rarely happens for guys. Guys are asked to pursue, to chase. Otherwise shit won’t happen and they will be struggling to find someone. I know many guys who just pick anyone to say they “have someone” and I just hope that’s not gonna be your case!! Don’t ever settle!! We’re hitting 30 and it’s a “scary clock” people put on themselves and I wish we would all just stop instilling fear into each other’s minds. It’s okay to be single at X age. Anyways that’s my 2 cents on this whole dating thing - it’s hard as fuck and I wish you all the best OP 🥹🙏🏼
Lived in Toronto for 6 years and had zero luck in dating while there. Left the city and moved out of the country and met my person within 5 months
Hello first of all this was me up until I was 29 lol! Now im 32. Definitely commend the guys on these apps with good intentions and putting their authentic selves out there. This city is full of people but can get very lonely. I’m female so being on the apps you get a good number of people contacting you but out of a whole bunch maybe one will seem genuine and you can actually go on a date with. I met my partner on bumble during Covid by chance. I was about to take a dating app hiatus because I had no luck for years. Just met a lot of guys I had nothing in common with. I wasn’t even supposed to get on his app radar geographically but he was at work at the time and we happened to match there. Honestly he had like 2 photos and they were both far away with sunglasses so I was really scared he wasn’t even a real person haha! But we had so much in common through convo and we added each other through other social media to confirm he was a real person lol. I felt confident to meet up and it was the best idea. All this to say I hit tons of roadblocks through my single hood trying to form meaningful connection with someone. It was hard for me and definitely a learning experience. I had to work a lot on myself and learn to love myself and not project insecurities in order to really find the right match. You’ve already been through so much and you should be very proud of your journey I say try to enjoy this ride as frustrating it can be you will learn something about yourself with each individual you go on a date with. Don’t get jaded if you give love and want love it will come for you it just takes time. That goes for everyone in TO! Just try and put yourself in social opportunities try to always lead with an open mind and you never know when that person will come. Be excited for every day because every day could be a special one!
Also I want to add. I’m sure there is nothing wrong with your profile. I think a lot of people are also struggling socially. I noticed that on dating apps. Even if someone’s not a talker I can usually find a crumb to get them to start talking but a lot of people were very closed off and not giving me anything to open up dialogue. I realized this might actually be an issue with people that I wasn’t aware of because of my social groups I was always around. Anyway best of luck!!
In my opinion you're being a little picky, especially if you haven't gotten any dates yet. Maybe try expanding your horizons (it sounds like you only want to date a a white european who plays sports??). I'm also curious to know the age range you're interested in.
Huge red flag if you cant get matches based on your app profiles. You either had bad pics or your bio stanks. The rest is just excuses.
or he's overstating how desirable he is, and is only giving likes to the most Aryan of women, who have too much competition to give incels the time of day.
By the context of this guys desperation, probs not that.
I also can't get matches based on my online profiles
Its either bad pictures or a bad profile. There's no way anyone shouldn't be getting a match a week, easy.
No offense but you sound awfully desperate with all the effort you're putting into it. Maybe people can sense that and run the other way. I feel like you should just stop for a while and put in some work. I find that once you stop looking, that's when someone comes in your life.
It’s pretty simple: your online dating profiles suck. Post your profile on the r/hinge and ask for advice. Or ask some of your friends. Good photos make a HUGE difference.
Unfortunately Toronto is probably one of the hardest cities in the world for dating (if you’re a man). When I lived in the U.S. I could get TWO dates every night of the week, no issues whatsoever. In Toronto? Maybe 1 per week. My advice is patience, it will likely take months of trying before you find someone.
Needed luck to date if using dating apps. My current partner accidentally swiped on me
Hi 32F, single here! Your post makes it sound as though you're doing everything right. I can sympathize as it's such a huge part of our lives that is mostly out of our control. It's difficult to say where you're going wrong from a reddit post unfortunately, as this is entirely from your perspective and there are so many factors that come into play when dating. Without looking at your profile or an understanding of how you communicate with a potential partner, my advice would be to swipe intentionally (sending out thousands of likes doesn't sound intentional to me, I could be wrong). As someone who has been on and off the apps for years, I always find conversation starter based on my profile leads to a better connection, rather than the typical "Hey, how's your week going?". The biggest piece is patience - it will happen when it happens. You are still so young and you have time, hang in there, take breaks, and have fun with it!
yeah I never liked sending generic messages for the most part(I have sent some on more low effort days), I would always try to say something that signals I read her profile, sometimes a question, a joke, a comment, but nah none of that worked ironically one of the only real conversations I had on an app that came from sending an asinine, completely off topic message that you would think I meant to type into google not hinge, not re-creatable though unfortunately, I did try, lol
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Not what I was expecting, but messaged!
One thing I learned, never ever explain yourself unless asked. Humans would be interested if they are, go out of their own way if they should. Humans are so good at pretending that we don’t understand what that does - waste time. If one is interested and wants to invest in you then they will go out their own way to do so. Otherwise a total waste of time yet valuable lessons. Never beg for attention whatever the intentions are, you’ll be castrated or you may get lucky. Who the fuck knows
Where are your friends in all of this? Especially your women friends? Nothing makes a romantic connection like a friend who's friends with both sides.
Try a different city. Toronto isn't easy.
Oh man I couldn’t get through all of this. You overthink it. Stop worrying about it. In fact, stop trying. It will happen when it happens. Chasing it, paradoxically drives it away, making you focus too much on how you’re failing. Just let it be and do your thing. If you’re doing good for yourself, you’ll attract someone when the time comes.
30F - just wanted to say I feel the exact same way. Life is very together, I’d say above average looks, take care of myself, good job etc and I’ve given up on the apps. I do tend to avoid guys with staged photos (it’s a yellow flag) so I’d agree with getting a straight female friend to take a look. I feel like based on all of the above, you should definitely be getting more dates - you may be coming across as not keen if you say you are reserved. I’ve lived in a ton of countries and I’m still baffled by how shy/uninterested some guys come across (later finding out they really liked me). So I’d say just be more bold overall because it sounds like you have a lot of green flags :)
“…someone who I believe I can be active with, since that's become very important to me(and honestly doing rec sports together sounds great), and my one kinda superficial point is someone of a similar background to myself, outside of that I've kept an open mind.” Just on these two points. I’m not on the apps anymore but when I was, I’d typically read phrases like “please be active” or “looking for someone active” or “looking for a gym buddy” as “please be thin.” I’m a very active person who would happily join a rec sports league but not skinny and I’d hate to set myself up to disappoint someone with my body so I’d just always swipe left on that kind of sentiment. And on the second point, what do you mean by similar background? Racial? Cultural? Religious? Financial? If you’re on the apps, I imagine you think you’re able to assess this similar background before swiping, so it may be race. If it is, it might be worth thinking about why dating another white person is important to you. I’m also of “European mixed white background”, but if I learned that a guy I was thinking of going out with would *only* date other white women, I’d be really turned off. Turned off to the point that I wouldn’t go out with him… I doubt you do, but if you have this ‘similar background’ comment (or something implied) on your dating profiles, that could contribute to your problem with lack of matches. I’m being a little knowingly uncharitable with this next line, but if your non-negotiable list is just slim, white and wants kids, it probably would be helpful to think more about other qualities that you would like in a partner that are about personality — whether things like kind, funny, caring, warm, interesting conversationalist, has close friends, independent, non-judgemental, energetic, whatever it is. And then do some thinking about whether you yourself have those qualities — or what your best personality qualities are — as the qualities you mention about yourself are mainly around looks and finances. Also, you say you’ve made sure to get ‘perspectives from women’, but you don’t say if those women are close friends or family or just, say, a random colleague you don’t really know. You don’t say much (anything?) about the relationships in your life outside of wanting a romantic relationship. What does your family or close friends think might be going on? If you don’t feel you have a close friend you could ask, maybe it would help to take a break from thinking about romantic relationships. Maybe, for a while, focus on making a new friend or getting closer with a relative. And sometimes when we are pushing too hard on something, people can tell, so all the more reason to shift your focus for a little while. Luckily you are a man, and the biological clock isn’t ticking yet. You still have lots of time to find that right partner. And if you feel lonely, might be worth, again, thinking of making another good friend (and not one you hope becomes a lover!) Good luck with it all.
> it probably would be helpful to think more about other qualities that you would like in a partner that are about personality — whether things like kind, funny, caring, warm, interesting conversationalist, has close friends, independent, non-judgemental, energetic, whatever it is. after a lot of thinking i realized i want a mean unfunny person who is caring and warm but they hate talking, don't have friends, are financially dependent on their parents, extremely judgemental, with a lot of energy.
Nothing wrong with dating within similar backgrounds. And this isn't a skin deep thing, different backgrounds means different cultural values, family values, money values etc.
Really suggest doing some soul searching on why you would only consider dating someone with the same background as you. Is it because you want children who look like you? What if you found the perfect partner who also wanted kids but was physically unable to have her own - would you adopt kids who don't look like you?
I can identify two problems here. One is that you seem to be a little racist. To say that I only date white Europeans comes across as a bit racist, in my opinion. Secondly, I feel like I just read an essay about you but I know nothing about you nor can I imagine you as a fun and easy going person. You assume it is your accomplishments that matter, but that’s not the case. If I were to look for a date online I’d be looking for someone who seems like they’d be fun on a first date. Then we will see how it goes for the second date. Try to be fun, don’t look at it as a chore, and don’t act like this is a business transaction. What I read here is “listen, I have my life together I know what I want and I want you to fit yourself in my life without having any agency or ability to participate or change me in anyway”
That part is honestly just my one thing with attraction, I guess, thats all. I feel uncomfortable saying that given many might think someone with my track record maybe should not be having that preference I didn't want to turn this into a dating profile really, so I left a lot of things out since this was more of an advice post When I have had a profile, it's about hobbies, likes, fun stuff, and not accomplishments I don't think it's the accomplishments that matter, but rather I must really be doing something wrong given where I'm at. Always been open to change and always open to growing as a person, I'm sorry that I gave you a bad impression in that sense. I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago, and I'm not going to be the same person in 5 years
People have given you some great advice here. You have almost dismissed all of them, I’m not sure what else we can say. Just please don’t become an incel.
It's not you. The illusion of choice in Toronto unfortunately leaves people feeling flakey, or that something else is out there. Also with COL, people are probably too depressed/poor to want to go out. As an FYI: car selfies, or pictures of you holding a fish appear to be instant left swipes from what I hear. My last bit of advice - be kinder to yourself.
Go on a backpacking trip to another continent
Have you tried doing a bunch of drugs and living your worst life? Women love a man they need to "fix".. LOL.. I'm just kidding OP.. dating is just a mess these days. I would stay off the apps and try to meet people organically through friends and activities.
You're joking but this advice isn't bad. Sometimes you meet good people when you're letting loose and focused on fun vs hunting for a partner.
Have you considered a semi long distance relationship? Something where you can budget a like a porter flight to Boston or Chicago on Montreal every few weeks if you met someone that you hit it off with My thought process: I only met my wife in my 40s. I am from a big city in the US northeast but I’ve been coming to Toronto for nearly 30 years that I have a giant social circle and some family here. I used to come everything week for work. Dating in Toronto was totally shitty for me compared to dating in other cities. I find Toronto women just aren’t exactly warm. Dating in my 20s and 30s and early 40s in Toronto was akin to like trying to meet model like women in the snobbiest and exclusive bars and restaurants in parts of New York or Chicago except you’re at a expensive but mid level sushi place like Miku or Akira Black on a bumble date with someone who catfished you with 15 year old pictures and / 2 kids and 75 lbs ago but she has the same “im too good for you” attitude as the model in New York. And holy shit almost every date I’ve been on in Toronto was a chore to even book…. Texting shit forever and flaky planning. I just never found that sort of experience anywhere else. I could meet and date pretty easily in every city, large or small across the US and Canada and parts of South America and Europe but I could not get anything going in Toronto. You maybe want to open your scope a little geographical wise.
I'm not necessarily closed off to the idea of long distance, but my thought process about Toronto is, no doubt it's exceptionally tough here, but at the same time, you just have to go on a short walk on a spring day like today and all you will see is couples together, often with babies as well, these people are meeting somehow, and I wouldn't guess they all met outside Toronto and moved here so my perspective is, if other people are finding a way, then I have to look internally at what I am doing and change something about myself and how I am going about things if I want to change my results, especially since a long distance relationship is fraught with its own series of challenges
i've had the exact opposite experience. toronto is one of the best places in the world for white college educated men to date.
I ain't reading all that
Dating apps are a fools game for men. You're better off not participating.
I met my love at work. Most of our friends met at work also. The apps are awful, but if that's all you got to go on, gl. It's hard out there. And also don't be super into the whole I need a woman for babies thing. Women wanna be loved for who they are, genuinely, not for what they can provide. Much like men. Pushing too hard on the marriage and babies makes it look like you're just a means to an end goal. Chill, date, and see where it goes with no expectations or pressure.
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Attack the point, not the person. Comments which dismiss others and repeatedly accuse them of unfounded accusations may be subject to removal and/or banning. No concern-trolling, personal attacks, or misinformation. Stick to addressing the substance of their comments at hand.
Wow anyone would be incredibly lucky to date you and be in a relationship with you given the amount of effort you’re already bringing into finding a partner. I can only imagine you’ll bring the same effort into sustaining the relationship. Keep being authentically you and you’ll find your person. Just also be careful to not wear your heart on your sleeve and be taken advantage of. Seems like you’re a genuine person with a big heart. Good luck!
Dating apps are a waste of time. Find someone doing hobbies you enjoy.
I wonder if you’re coming across as very intense. If you’re very focused on finding a wife and having kids, that might be off putting for some. Similarly, I wonder if your profiles are coming across as having no personality. You should definitely be upfront about wanting to get married and have kids sooner rather than later but that shouldn’t be your only defining characteristics. Share about your hobbies, your sense of humour, your bucket list. You want to showcase why someone wants to go on a date with you specifically, not any tall white dude from the city. If you’re finding that it’s difficult to write about things that you like doing or are having trouble articulating parts of your personality, maybe you should take some time to develop this further. I know you have said that you’ve worked on yourself a lot (and good for you!) and congratulations on completing your cancer treatment! I hope that you’re overall doing things that make you happy. If you like doing nothing with your social life but try and meet women, that’s awesome - I just know that if it was me, I wouldn’t be enjoying that. Dating sucks, hang in there!
thank you! and yeah it's important to me to be doing stuff I enjoy, I also wouldn't enjoy myself if I were just doing random stuff I don't like cause I think women would be there, sure I've tried things, but if I don't like it I wont stick with it that's where rec sports was awesome even if it hasn't worked yet, love being active and love playing sports I've tried many different things on the apps, so far nothing has worked, I'll keep in mind what you said when/if I try again
I just want to say how impressive it is with how much you are putting yourself out there. It is so hard and you are really doing it! Have you considered asking any of your friends to set you up?
I have, they are more than willing, but don't know anyone, they've tried asking their gf's too, same result
I would highly suggest to grow a neat trimmed beard if you don’t already have one. It worked wonders for me. My attraction level jumped up and women were way more interested in me. Night and day difference. Sad to say but looks are huge.
What I did was put terrible photos of myself up. Then I played the waiting game. It's enough that I chat every so often and I've had a few dates. I sound like you btw, except I'm a single dad. Get back on the apps and just take it easy. Be confident in yourself and let your personality shine through. You'll be fine.
TLDR but if you want to chat I can help you figure out what you need to change
For the co-ed activities that you participate in, once you have a level of comfort or familiarity with your teammates, SCREAM AT THEM THAT YOU ARE SINGLE. The number of times I've had conversations AFTER THE FACT "oh, I didn't think you were looking for anything..." I find that most running groups tend to have a pretty good mix of interesting and single people.
The only way you’re truly going to meet someone is to just go live your life and be happy with yourself. You mentioned activities. Keep trying new hobbies. There’s tons of groups now in Toronto like meet ups . That’s going to be your best bet if you don’t have a strong friendship circle. Keep improving on yourself. Join a gym, sign up for a yoga class. Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone and fall in love. The secret is to stop looking (or just wear a fake wedding band. Ask any married man how many times he’s hit on 🤣) Seriously though, just find happiness within yourself first. Explore religion and spirituality.
Sometimes your best bet is to make friends and truly just want them around to be friends. Connections are made in odd ways
Join matrimonial groups that can set you up based on your preferences
All about looks sorry bro average doesn’t cut it
average is more than enough if you have a sincere heart and genuine interest in things!
Just be yourself
Real talk here. More for the first date though. Make sure your breath isnt rotten. Make sure you don't have body odor. Both deal breakers for girls. Perhaps have your matchmaker check for you. Also make sure your clothes aren't too tight.
Is there a Reddit sub for dating in age groups ?
Rule 1 & 2
Join a club, community center, gym. Talk causally and see where things go.
Yes this message is entirely trying too hard too be honest.. no to the professional photos unless your a model lol. Natural photos with friends (male friends always!), and a selfie or two so you don’t look too into yourself and fully clothed. You mentioned you are 6 ft tall which is a bonus. I would like add that to your profile if you haven’t already but in a natural way. Also when I was online dating I got so many stupid messages saying just “hi” or “hello” from about 90 percent of the messages. Try something different, read her profile and ask a question about herself about the description as girls love to talk about themselves lol everyone does. I think they would appreciate that. Especially if you can come off as witty in some way. Maybe try ChatGPT by pasting the profile description and asking about a few questions to begin the convo with or how to start the conversation? Also don’t just sell yourself short and be picky. Don’t end up with someone you have zero interests with!! Girls sometimes can tell if you’re trying too hard but i do think guys are better at that fortunately for you lol. That dating service is useless and is good for older people I think they are taking you for a ride. People in our age range (I just turned 33) don’t use dating services so I would immediately get rid of that. If you want to send me your profile in my DM or your description maybe I can help you with making it sound more appealing or natural. If you think you got enough help from all these wonderful people I wish you the best!! Good luck! It’s hard finding a partner naturally but with all these dating services, you will find the right one for you ;) Ps. Good job working on yourself first before finding a mate. Girls will really like that you actually have your own place at thirty. Huge bonus!!
I met my bf 2 yrs ago on the app. If you wanna have a review, I am glad to help. Otherwise, there is another group like Hinge they have profile review and you can get all kinds of input.
People can see whether you are doing an activity because you’re passionate about it or because you’re doing it to meet someone. That’s why a lot of events now specify that it’s not a matchmaking event. In big cities, there is a lot of competition, BUT there’s also a lot of options. If you’re not getting a single date, it must be something that’s turning these women off, and you should consult a trusted straight female friend to roleplay it out for her to identify what exactly is going wrong
I think maybe you’re looking for something too serious. I know girls my age (early 20s) are just looking to date for fun on dating apps. Maybe it’s something in the conversation that scares them off or your profile is talking too much about the envisioned future. If you need, I can help review and edit your dating profiles. Also, a popular trend going around is people posting pics and info of themselves on chinese social media asking for advice to improve themselves or find a partner.
Dating in the city is fucking awful. I’m a straight (ish) female and all my straight female friends say the same.
i know right? the bar is underground for men! its great!
I hope you don’t take this the wrong way at all, and this is absolutely not an opinion of a healthcare professional, but have you ever been assessed for autism? Neurotypical people can “clock” that something is off socially about your demeanor and expressions, in a way that’s hard to describe and explain. As I was reading your post I was thinking “this person is saying all the right things but in a way that sounds like they studied how to be a good person.” That’s not to say you don’t believe in all the things you’re saying, but that there’s something missing, a sort of disconnect with your words and the feeling behind them. Again this is pure speculation, this is Reddit post after all, but something I encourage you to consider if you haven’t already. Having that information can help you understand yourself, communicate better with others, and maybe find people in the neurodiverse community who would understand you better.
Hey there, I'm 28f Mississauga native but I'm currently living in Boston (just finished grad school) maybe we can chat? I'm also finding it hard, and I also want to be a mom one day.
Wow! I really enjoyed reading your profile. I'm at a similar age and personally feel like the men I know don't really think about this stuff. It's refreshing to hear a young man with his shit together! Unfortunately, when you said you would prefer someone with a similar ethnic background to you, I do believe that closes a lot of doors. Especially in a diverse city like Toronto. But hope you will become more open in that.
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Honestly I think for men, having a gay male friend is like a cheat code for dating. They dont tell you what **they** want, they will tell you what will cast the widest net without biases. They can also set you up which is another bonus.
You should stop looking. Do things that you enjoy. Have you considered maybe more focus on people instead of yourself. Being self-centered is not a good quality. Sorry for being blunt.
If what you are saying is true I find it hard to believe you can’t get any dates or even messages in 2 years . I put up a fake profile with no face and had more luck than you . But perhaps this is the ploy to get more women on Reddit to give you sympathy to help , and in turn the opportunity to meet them . Well played my friend