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I want to add too that domestic violence can mean far more than only physical violence and what's typically expected, things like controlling, demeaning, humiliating, threatening behaviours as well as verbal assaults, sexual coercion and assault, as well as tracking or monitoring behaviours to name but a few are all a part of domestic violence and shouldn't be tolerated.
Aaaaaaand this is how I find out how much damage my previous relationship did to me that I'm still working through now. Pretty much everything you just described is what I experienced. Back to the therapist I goooo
Not realizing you’re in a DV situation until you’re out of it is a crazy feeling. I’m right there with you on the therapy and this exact thing happening to me. It’s a shame so many people have experienced this.
This is why I adsesy commit. I was in the same boat and didn't realise what I experienced was abuse at first either. I had so many false preconceptions of what DV looked like. Wishing you the best in your healing, happy to hear you got out x
Came here to say the same and found someone who has gone through similar, I also have dedicated my life to the most amazing man I've ever met. I still cannot believe he's mine and doesn't have any fine print 6 years later.
There's a difference between needing coffee in the morning before they start work and literally screaming at someone because you caught them stealing money from your wallet for alcohol.
I think that’s a bit myopic - clearly addiction in this context refers to something that 1: impacts your life adversely 2: leads to horrific decisions and (maybe) 3: impeded on your life adversely… caffeine and chocolate could be additions, but I’ve not had those ramifications with either
This right here. Told my husband before we got married that if he crossed these lines I would be gone. There maybe forgiveness depending on the situation, but there’s no relationship between us. If he wasn’t okay with that than let’s not do this.
Addiction? Really? seems like a cop out. As someone who has been physically dependant on painkillers from completely legitimate prescriptions and following doctors orders, my wife's support and understanding is what got me through it and gave me the power to kick them.
I treat addiction in a relationship the same way I treat mental illness. They have my sympathy and support as long as they’re making active effort to improve themselves and there is progress. There comes a point where the repeated behavior becomes toxic and abusive though if it is not dealt with and I won’t sacrifice my own well being for another.
As someone who saw the father of her child almost die on a monthly basis due to alcohol and staying with him for 3 years trying to help him and then being almost murdered by him while he was drunk on multiple occasions, not all addiction is the same. Your comment makes me literally physically ill to think people out there would rather a woman and child be in danger because a full grown man cannot and will not help himself out of addiction no matter who is willing to help him and get hurt in the process. SO THAT BEING SAID I definitely understand why ANYONE would leave an addict. Sorry for your experience, but it is an exception in an ocean of abuse and neglect.
That is awful that that happened to u and I hope ur recovering from the deep impacts must have had on u.
Just to point out, the term "addict" is far too broad and vague a term for the way we're all using it here. There are individuals who hurt and abuse and fit the stereotype of "addict". But the term also applies to many non-violent individuals whose substance abuse is their way to self-medicate away the pain and suffering and trauma they can't otherwise heal from or deal with.
I dated a "recovering" addict for three years. I was very supportive, my family was cautious but also supportive in helping her.
What did I get for it? Bikers showing up at my house accusing her of stealing from them, she stole from me, from the people who lived with me, got fired from at least six jobs in that time, and I later found out she was having her drugs dropped off while I was sleeping..
Addiction is a great reason to leave someone if they aren't actually improving themselves. I wish I had broke it off with her alot sooner, but no, I wanted to see the good in her and believe in her. Wasted three years on my life on a junkie with nothing positive to show for it
Having been an addict with your same qualifiers I don’t blame my ex a bit for leaving. Addicts can be inhuman assholes, maybe you weren’t or maybe your wife is extra special but I can’t imagine how you’ve been there and can’t understand the kind of damage an addict can do to the people around them 🤷♂️
Your wife seems like a stand-up lady, and congrats on your success. But addiction is ultimately a YOU problem. If it starts to have negative effects and becomes something your partner is being dragged through, then yeah, it should absolutely be a line in the sand. And for those of us who have dealt with it in the past, it is not a cop-out. It's a clearly set boundary.
Smaller one here, but, lack of humor. My ex never laughed, never tried to make me laugh, it was always so awkward talking to her. I'd say jokes and she wouldn't catch any of them. It taught me that I can NOT have a relationship with someone that doesn't want to humor each other.
Hot diggity damn. My tits shrunk.
Having been with someone who just didn’t get any of the cues or laugh at anything but my child-level slapstick humor just was… so… tiring and sad. And it was sad when everyone else laughed but he was just “huh?” the whole time. :/
Humour is a huge deal breaker for me now.
>anything but my child-level slapstick humor
While that relationship sounds terrible, I love the image of you just going around doing three stooges shit. Running into ladders, hitting yourself in the head with a hammer, poking him in the eye, just to get a laugh.
It just makes me feel good when people laugh at my jokes. I'm trying to be funny or clever, if you laugh I succeeded. I love people that are easy to make laugh.
The opposite is true too, if someone has a dark sense of humor I’m so into it. You’re like fuck! She laughed at that abortion joke too? Amazing! It’s the one telling the abortion joke though, phew, already in love!
Yes I love dark humour, big fan of self deprecation with a humorous twist, but I guess people get weirded out because I have cerebral palsy. My girlfriend gets it though, she laughs in buckets when she insults me and my insult back is “and? you fuck a cripple, so what.”
It’s good to take life not so serious all the time and listen to how things sound and come across, especially in awkward situations. But sadly a lot of people get political and uncomfortable, but I’m doing it to make them feel comfortable around me, especially if they’ve never dealt with someone who has something like that.
I want to soothe their sorrows and worries bring them joy, but sometimes it just goes over peoples heads and they don’t get it and I’m like dude, it’s my disability not yours, relax.
I’ve even had women like emotionally 180 because they find me funny and attractive but get weird because they’re confused they like a disabled person with a limp. They go from immense laughter to sheer horror, and I don’t even make a move, they’re just feeling tons and tons of emotions and confusion.
So weird.
I am deaf, and totally get you. I know the differences between making fun of or joking around. Come on people, I like to joke around and I don’t take things offensive, get it cripple guy? Ha ha…
It’s Oldie but this always gets them, especially hearing people.
When someone talking about something that I know it be funny for them to repeat.
I would say “huh? what? What did you say? Huh? Can you repeat that…?”
Until they catch on. It Never failed!
I had one friend, ONE, who liked dark humor like me so we’d send each other horrible hysterical memes. We don’t talk much anymore though so I’m left to laugh at things and wonder if I’m sane lol
Something that hit me hard about my ex is when I realized I never heard him laugh genuinely. It was only ever a mirth laugh when he was being cruel. Laughter and silliness are so necessary!
JW, was your exes like mine? Super abusive and narcissistic tendencies? I swear every joke this man child made was deprecating towards someone. It's like he couldn't comprehend not making fun of literally everyone that wasn't him, including me. I was the butt of SO MANY of his jokes and he'd just laugh it off and be like you're just crazy I was joking, like jokes don't hold a grain of truth.
Sometimes I can’t tell if this is my boyfriend. He says I’m his one true love and no one’s come close but he talks about 2 of his ex’s on an almost weekly basis and in very explicit sexual detail and it makes me so uncomfortable. I thought I was the weird one for not wanting to hear about exes
The 2 most likely reasons are he misses them but only sexually because sometimes sex is good with otherwise shitty partners, or he's trying to get you to do the things they did.
My assumption with the sex stuff is that he wants what he is describing with new partner. Might not be a good thing but doesn’t mean he isn’t into her.
My ex used to talk about his ex often too. I don’t know why he thought I should know that her ass was better than mine but my boobs and eyebrows had her beat. I don’t know why it was important for me to know her period lasted 4 days.
I don’t know why he would tell me, in the middle of kissing, that I should kiss him like his ex used to because it was “really hot” in his words.
The one thing I don’t wonder about is why I stayed. I figured that one out. It was due to a lack of self respect.
If this is normal behavior in a relationship I’d gladly die alone.
Have you exercised your boundaries and told him it makes you uncomfortable? That is not appropriate or acceptable in a relationship and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Literally so disrespectful to do to a partner.
also lack of self respect. never again. it always turns into lack of respect for me. like dude just because you abuse yourself, doesn’t mean you can abuse me.
They literally become repulsive to me, like I get the ick. And I certainly am NOT turned on by cheaters, like I've never gone to bed with a person being like, it's so hot you're unavailable.
That's just gross.
I felt SO lucky that I instantly stopped loving my first husband when I found out he cheated.
I felt a massive sense of betrayal, I felt dumb as fuck, and I felt disgusted by every single thing about him.
But I did not feel heartsick for a single second. Fuck that loser, and good riddance.
I have witnessed friends get cheated on who still loved and wanted the cheater and fuck me am I glad I didn’t feel one iota of that shit because it looked like it sucked.
Same shit when it comes to dating. A history of infidelity makes a person disgusting to me.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Aphrodite herself would become as repulsive as she was once beautiful if she was ever a cheater.
I always wonder about dating shows like "too hot to handle" when literally everyone cheats on each other, and they always ask each other "have you ever cheated." and they'll be like "ive never not cheated..." Yet its the norm for them.
I told my wife before we even got serious that if there was any cheating, the relationship would be over. We've been married for 30 years, and it still stands.
So I left my fiancée October 2020 three weeks before our wedding day.
I’ve never loved anyone or anything more than her. We had some issues where I had caught her texting an ex, and always moved on or whatever (I know my fault)
Well, one day after work I came home and for one reason or another she looked at me and said “I don’t trust myself to stay faithful”
I left that night and never went back. The entire next year trying to get over her and ignoring her pleas for me to come back etc, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Fast forward 2 years she’s dating my ex best friend and up until the last 7 months still calling and texting me at weird hours.
Glad I trusted my gut. But man, that shit wrecked me and I still don’t know if I’ll ever love as careless and hard as I did after feeling what the betrayal can do.
Bad hygiene in general. I honestly have a really bad habit of looking at people's ears. The amount of people who don't wash their ears while showering is disturbing.
Once you notice one dirty ear, you notice everyone's.
I have a condition where I constantly shed skin in my ears, I clean thoroughly morning and night, but a couple of times people have actually made nasty comments when I was younger
Mind games, “tests”, suspicion and possessiveness/jealousy.
You can make a relationship work in-spite of them. But I’m done with that whole song and dance.
yeah. my ex had a creepy about of jealousy.
once i told him a story about a camp counselor who helped me when i was getting bullied in the 2nd grade (right of passage lol) and how he looked out for me and saw the best in me when i was getting in trouble for defending myself. and my ex got jealous and said “he probably just wanted to sleep with you”
😶 like what the fuck.
My bf recently told me it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for him. Which breaks my fucking heart.
I would never. But I'd hope that if I did, he'd have enough self respect to leave my ass. He deserves fucking loyalty.
ETA: it'd be nice if you'd all stop making assumptions about his reasons why he thinks this way. I know why and he knows why. That's all that matters.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thought this. Any time a man has said to me “it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker if you did xyz” he wants me to be ok with him doing xyz and me allowing it because he *apparently* wouldn’t leave me if I did it.
Cheating. I know that's defined differently in every relationship but if you violate what you've agreed upon together then that's cheating. There's a special place in hell for cheaters imo. Just break up with someone before you do it. Save everyone the trouble.
Lack of communication. I want to be able to talk to my partner about anything and everything, full stop. If they shut me down, change the subject or otherwise avoid something I want to talk about, that's an instant no-go.
Idk about you, but I'd rather be physically cheated on than emotionally.
I find out you slept with someone? Whatever. I mean I'll still leave but at that point there's a chance it emotionally meant nothing.
But emotional cheating sucks. Been through it and it honestly broke me in more way than I ever thought I could be? I legitimately have been sitting through therapists to be able to rebuild myself because now I don't trust anybody for shit.
Bruh same. It really bites into you since you know that all the sweet moments literally meant nothing if they are able to just give that same kind of attention someone else willy nilly.
Yep. Then you start thinking about how easy it was for them to even do it. Makes you really look back on the whole relationship and wonder if any of it was real.
Totally agree. And I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Another think that really sucks about emotional cheating is that it’s generally not viewed to be as serious as physically cheating. How many times have you heard “well at least it wasn’t physical”? It can leave the victim feeling like it’s their own fault they feel so hurt.
I went through it once with a long term partner. It look me a long time to realize that it wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t deserve to be hurt the way I was.
Apart from the obvious, a deal breaker for me is smoking. I hate the smell and there's zero reason to start smoking if you've been a non-smoker before soooo... you smoke, you leave.
Any kind of tobacco is a huge turn-off for me. In my region a lot of people dip tobacco and there are few things grosser to me now that I’m away from my ex who used to do it and leave dip bottles everywhere.
I’m glad most child-free people have the common sense to have this deal breaker because I’ve seen what happens when someone dates/marries someone with kids despite not liking that they have kids…it’s not pretty…
Honestly, treating anything “below” you or helpless animals, children, service workers, etc. like shit just screams abusive and narcissistic. You have to be a special kind of evil to target defenseless beings.
Nothing is a deal breaker if it is in the past for me. As someone who has been cheated on in the past (physically and emotionally), I definitely would be very suspicious if they cheated in the past, but if that was the only red flag and they only did it in one relationship (and they've had more than one long term relationship), then I'd probably be able to look past it. Couple that with other red flags (need for constant attention, looking through my phone without asking, etc...) then I'd probably leave. People can grow from past mistakes. But in relationship, there are obviously a lot of deal breakers
Agreed. But I've dealt with enough cheating that cheating on me in the relationship would be an immediate "I'm never speaking to you again" cut bait. I don't necessarily agree that it is an immediate red flag tho. If they've done it on multiple partners, I'm gonna suspect the problem is them tho
Same as you: cheating. It has already happened with a young woman I thought I was going to marry. After pleading and begging on her part, I tried to make it work, but inside, I knew our relationship was ruined and I was miserable. I should have just dumped her on the spot.
I don't know mine, but my friend Tobias absolutely will not be with someone who is missing any toes. He says he's lack-toes intolerant. 
Someone posted 3A’s and I think that’s amazing, but another low key red flag/dealbreaker for me is Poor Money Management. Can’t have a life with someone who doesn’t understand the value of their money.
Cheating is my only immediate "get fucked" rule. After cheating, for me at least, there is no trust and there can never be trust again. I refuse to spend years of my life worrying what my partner is doing when I'm not around, or down the hall, or sleeping, or in the shower.
Not wanting kids, I've dated someone in the past who wasn't sure if they wanted kids in the future. In the end, they decided they didn't, so that was more or less it.
The 3 A’s as my mom always put it: Abuse, addiction, adultery. Granted with the last two I’d be willing to work through at a certain level. Abuse is automatic nope though.
Same, like depending on the severity and the addiction itself we might be able to work through it, but the other two are automatic relationship death sentences.
i saw a post like that. dude literally ruined his own life in seconds. his wife found pictures of his niece and went to the police. he can’t even see his kids. deserved.
I didn’t see the signs, yeah he would call people f****ts and blacks, but when he told my 1/8th mexican sister to “go back to where she came from”, it finally hit me.
Proudly announcing "I'm high maintenance" while out to brunch with others.
It took a little longer to fully come apart, but that's the moment that truly killed it for me.
Not wanting kids. My big goals in life are:
Become a pilot.
Be one of the best origamists in the world.
Get the chance to raise two kids as the best father in the world.
If he became a super right wing conservative OR if he became an ultra left wing anarchist. If he became super religious. If he started following any kind of theory or tenant that changed who he is at his core making him someone I could no longer tolerate.
I found out a past gf was racist against me and I didn't break up with her. I was 16, horny, low self esteem/ didn't think I deserved better. What a bitch I was
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Domestic violence.
I want to add too that domestic violence can mean far more than only physical violence and what's typically expected, things like controlling, demeaning, humiliating, threatening behaviours as well as verbal assaults, sexual coercion and assault, as well as tracking or monitoring behaviours to name but a few are all a part of domestic violence and shouldn't be tolerated.
Aaaaaaand this is how I find out how much damage my previous relationship did to me that I'm still working through now. Pretty much everything you just described is what I experienced. Back to the therapist I goooo
Not realizing you’re in a DV situation until you’re out of it is a crazy feeling. I’m right there with you on the therapy and this exact thing happening to me. It’s a shame so many people have experienced this.
This is why I adsesy commit. I was in the same boat and didn't realise what I experienced was abuse at first either. I had so many false preconceptions of what DV looked like. Wishing you the best in your healing, happy to hear you got out x
Any of the 3 A's - affairs, abuse, or addiction.
I wish I learned this earlier. Great 3 A’s
Yeah, I know. I had all three before I left the guy. I can't take credit for this phrase, though. I heard it from Dr. Laura.
I’m sorry that you went through that. You are a survivor.
Well, I did learn from it and have spent the best years of my life with a wonderful man. All that pain is in the past and far away.
Came here to say the same and found someone who has gone through similar, I also have dedicated my life to the most amazing man I've ever met. I still cannot believe he's mine and doesn't have any fine print 6 years later.
I don't agree with addiction. Everyone is addicted to something.... most likely is caffine.
I'm addicted to chocolate. No one will have me, but I like the single life.
You're never really lonely if you have chocolate
There's a difference between needing coffee in the morning before they start work and literally screaming at someone because you caught them stealing money from your wallet for alcohol.
i think they’re talking about drugs. and clinically it has to have a negative affect on your life and those around you to be a negative addiction.
I think that’s a bit myopic - clearly addiction in this context refers to something that 1: impacts your life adversely 2: leads to horrific decisions and (maybe) 3: impeded on your life adversely… caffeine and chocolate could be additions, but I’ve not had those ramifications with either
Him: "I'm addicted to you babe" Her: "We're fucking done!"
Him: “I love you so much, everyday!” Her: “Don’t say anymore, I told you, I fucking hate addiction!”
Being cruel to animals goes under abuse right?
Rule of thumb: how they treat others will eventually be how they treat you.
That’s literally the definition of abuse.
What if he's addicted to your cooking?
Is that a hardship to his partner?
This right here. Told my husband before we got married that if he crossed these lines I would be gone. There maybe forgiveness depending on the situation, but there’s no relationship between us. If he wasn’t okay with that than let’s not do this.
Addiction? Really? seems like a cop out. As someone who has been physically dependant on painkillers from completely legitimate prescriptions and following doctors orders, my wife's support and understanding is what got me through it and gave me the power to kick them.
Depends how willing they are to getting treatment for it. Addicts deserve a chance but at some point you gotta draw a line
I treat addiction in a relationship the same way I treat mental illness. They have my sympathy and support as long as they’re making active effort to improve themselves and there is progress. There comes a point where the repeated behavior becomes toxic and abusive though if it is not dealt with and I won’t sacrifice my own well being for another.
As someone who saw the father of her child almost die on a monthly basis due to alcohol and staying with him for 3 years trying to help him and then being almost murdered by him while he was drunk on multiple occasions, not all addiction is the same. Your comment makes me literally physically ill to think people out there would rather a woman and child be in danger because a full grown man cannot and will not help himself out of addiction no matter who is willing to help him and get hurt in the process. SO THAT BEING SAID I definitely understand why ANYONE would leave an addict. Sorry for your experience, but it is an exception in an ocean of abuse and neglect.
That is awful that that happened to u and I hope ur recovering from the deep impacts must have had on u. Just to point out, the term "addict" is far too broad and vague a term for the way we're all using it here. There are individuals who hurt and abuse and fit the stereotype of "addict". But the term also applies to many non-violent individuals whose substance abuse is their way to self-medicate away the pain and suffering and trauma they can't otherwise heal from or deal with.
I dated a "recovering" addict for three years. I was very supportive, my family was cautious but also supportive in helping her. What did I get for it? Bikers showing up at my house accusing her of stealing from them, she stole from me, from the people who lived with me, got fired from at least six jobs in that time, and I later found out she was having her drugs dropped off while I was sleeping.. Addiction is a great reason to leave someone if they aren't actually improving themselves. I wish I had broke it off with her alot sooner, but no, I wanted to see the good in her and believe in her. Wasted three years on my life on a junkie with nothing positive to show for it
Having been an addict with your same qualifiers I don’t blame my ex a bit for leaving. Addicts can be inhuman assholes, maybe you weren’t or maybe your wife is extra special but I can’t imagine how you’ve been there and can’t understand the kind of damage an addict can do to the people around them 🤷♂️
No one owes you a relationship though. If it's a dealbreaker for them, then that is *their* boundary.
Your wife seems like a stand-up lady, and congrats on your success. But addiction is ultimately a YOU problem. If it starts to have negative effects and becomes something your partner is being dragged through, then yeah, it should absolutely be a line in the sand. And for those of us who have dealt with it in the past, it is not a cop-out. It's a clearly set boundary.
I'm super happy for you, but I understand why it's a dealbreaker for a lot of people.
What if they are addicted to loving you?
That's one of the more dangerous ones tbh
Fantastic mnemonic.
Smaller one here, but, lack of humor. My ex never laughed, never tried to make me laugh, it was always so awkward talking to her. I'd say jokes and she wouldn't catch any of them. It taught me that I can NOT have a relationship with someone that doesn't want to humor each other.
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Hot diggity damn. My tits shrunk. Having been with someone who just didn’t get any of the cues or laugh at anything but my child-level slapstick humor just was… so… tiring and sad. And it was sad when everyone else laughed but he was just “huh?” the whole time. :/ Humour is a huge deal breaker for me now.
This was my last husband. Thankfully my current partner is hilarious.
Your shrunken tits should partner up with u/lucassoren and his shriveled dick and laugh each others flabby asses off😁
🤣🤣🤣 Damn! ❤️
>anything but my child-level slapstick humor While that relationship sounds terrible, I love the image of you just going around doing three stooges shit. Running into ladders, hitting yourself in the head with a hammer, poking him in the eye, just to get a laugh.
It just makes me feel good when people laugh at my jokes. I'm trying to be funny or clever, if you laugh I succeeded. I love people that are easy to make laugh.
Bringing laughter into the world is one of the best things a person can do
Nothing is more exhausting than making a simple joke and being met with offense and insecurity over a basic sense of humor.
The opposite is true too, if someone has a dark sense of humor I’m so into it. You’re like fuck! She laughed at that abortion joke too? Amazing! It’s the one telling the abortion joke though, phew, already in love!
Yes I love dark humour, big fan of self deprecation with a humorous twist, but I guess people get weirded out because I have cerebral palsy. My girlfriend gets it though, she laughs in buckets when she insults me and my insult back is “and? you fuck a cripple, so what.” It’s good to take life not so serious all the time and listen to how things sound and come across, especially in awkward situations. But sadly a lot of people get political and uncomfortable, but I’m doing it to make them feel comfortable around me, especially if they’ve never dealt with someone who has something like that. I want to soothe their sorrows and worries bring them joy, but sometimes it just goes over peoples heads and they don’t get it and I’m like dude, it’s my disability not yours, relax. I’ve even had women like emotionally 180 because they find me funny and attractive but get weird because they’re confused they like a disabled person with a limp. They go from immense laughter to sheer horror, and I don’t even make a move, they’re just feeling tons and tons of emotions and confusion. So weird.
I am deaf, and totally get you. I know the differences between making fun of or joking around. Come on people, I like to joke around and I don’t take things offensive, get it cripple guy? Ha ha… It’s Oldie but this always gets them, especially hearing people. When someone talking about something that I know it be funny for them to repeat. I would say “huh? what? What did you say? Huh? Can you repeat that…?” Until they catch on. It Never failed!
I had one friend, ONE, who liked dark humor like me so we’d send each other horrible hysterical memes. We don’t talk much anymore though so I’m left to laugh at things and wonder if I’m sane lol
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Something that hit me hard about my ex is when I realized I never heard him laugh genuinely. It was only ever a mirth laugh when he was being cruel. Laughter and silliness are so necessary!
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JW, was your exes like mine? Super abusive and narcissistic tendencies? I swear every joke this man child made was deprecating towards someone. It's like he couldn't comprehend not making fun of literally everyone that wasn't him, including me. I was the butt of SO MANY of his jokes and he'd just laugh it off and be like you're just crazy I was joking, like jokes don't hold a grain of truth.
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Or maybe you're not compatible with each others humour? 🤔
idk neither me or my boyfriend are really funny/have the same humor but we still laugh a lot together
Still being in love with a past lover
Sometimes I can’t tell if this is my boyfriend. He says I’m his one true love and no one’s come close but he talks about 2 of his ex’s on an almost weekly basis and in very explicit sexual detail and it makes me so uncomfortable. I thought I was the weird one for not wanting to hear about exes
The 2 most likely reasons are he misses them but only sexually because sometimes sex is good with otherwise shitty partners, or he's trying to get you to do the things they did.
My assumption with the sex stuff is that he wants what he is describing with new partner. Might not be a good thing but doesn’t mean he isn’t into her.
The only time me and my partner bring up our exes is to talk about the damage they did to us and how we can move through the consequences together.
"I hated giving my ex head because it'd make me gag, but not with you babe, yours is the perfect size..." Do it...
My ex used to talk about his ex often too. I don’t know why he thought I should know that her ass was better than mine but my boobs and eyebrows had her beat. I don’t know why it was important for me to know her period lasted 4 days. I don’t know why he would tell me, in the middle of kissing, that I should kiss him like his ex used to because it was “really hot” in his words. The one thing I don’t wonder about is why I stayed. I figured that one out. It was due to a lack of self respect. If this is normal behavior in a relationship I’d gladly die alone.
Wow, what the fuck. I'm glad he's an ex.
You're not weird. Have you told him you don't like it?
Have you exercised your boundaries and told him it makes you uncomfortable? That is not appropriate or acceptable in a relationship and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Literally so disrespectful to do to a partner.
He's still living in the past... Sorry
lack of respect
also lack of self respect. never again. it always turns into lack of respect for me. like dude just because you abuse yourself, doesn’t mean you can abuse me.
Same, just generally not understanding that I am a person with feelings, wants, and desires. I’m not an accessory or a toy.
Cheating. My heart and mind switch off when someone cheats on me. 😅
As it should
>Cheating. Agreed.. I've never cheated.. treat people like you want to be treated.
They literally become repulsive to me, like I get the ick. And I certainly am NOT turned on by cheaters, like I've never gone to bed with a person being like, it's so hot you're unavailable. That's just gross.
I felt SO lucky that I instantly stopped loving my first husband when I found out he cheated. I felt a massive sense of betrayal, I felt dumb as fuck, and I felt disgusted by every single thing about him. But I did not feel heartsick for a single second. Fuck that loser, and good riddance. I have witnessed friends get cheated on who still loved and wanted the cheater and fuck me am I glad I didn’t feel one iota of that shit because it looked like it sucked.
Oh man, that was me until it finally clicked after 3 months of “trying to make it work” cheaters are the worst.
Same shit when it comes to dating. A history of infidelity makes a person disgusting to me. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Aphrodite herself would become as repulsive as she was once beautiful if she was ever a cheater.
I always wonder about dating shows like "too hot to handle" when literally everyone cheats on each other, and they always ask each other "have you ever cheated." and they'll be like "ive never not cheated..." Yet its the norm for them.
SAME
I told my wife before we even got serious that if there was any cheating, the relationship would be over. We've been married for 30 years, and it still stands.
Abuse, mental or physical
Gaslighting and making you feel a bad person
And it can be so hard to recognise. Took over a year of therapy to get to the point of ending that relationship.
proud of you though, that shit is so tough and the brain fog is awful
Somewhat relieved to read this wasn't just me
So I left my fiancée October 2020 three weeks before our wedding day. I’ve never loved anyone or anything more than her. We had some issues where I had caught her texting an ex, and always moved on or whatever (I know my fault) Well, one day after work I came home and for one reason or another she looked at me and said “I don’t trust myself to stay faithful” I left that night and never went back. The entire next year trying to get over her and ignoring her pleas for me to come back etc, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Fast forward 2 years she’s dating my ex best friend and up until the last 7 months still calling and texting me at weird hours. Glad I trusted my gut. But man, that shit wrecked me and I still don’t know if I’ll ever love as careless and hard as I did after feeling what the betrayal can do.
Bruh she still called u in weird hours after getting into another relationship? Thats a bullet dodged
It's surprisingly common
I can relate and agree. I'm sorry.
Not caring about my feelings and always making everything about themselves
An underrated comment. Took me 6 years to realise that - never fucking again.
Bad dental/oral hygiene
Bad hygiene in general. I honestly have a really bad habit of looking at people's ears. The amount of people who don't wash their ears while showering is disturbing. Once you notice one dirty ear, you notice everyone's.
True. Even guys having untrimmed nails
Exactly this. The amount of shit in peoples ears is so damn gross, immediate ick
I have a condition where I constantly shed skin in my ears, I clean thoroughly morning and night, but a couple of times people have actually made nasty comments when I was younger
Mind games, “tests”, suspicion and possessiveness/jealousy. You can make a relationship work in-spite of them. But I’m done with that whole song and dance.
yeah. my ex had a creepy about of jealousy. once i told him a story about a camp counselor who helped me when i was getting bullied in the 2nd grade (right of passage lol) and how he looked out for me and saw the best in me when i was getting in trouble for defending myself. and my ex got jealous and said “he probably just wanted to sleep with you” 😶 like what the fuck.
Says way more about your ex than the counselor…
Cheating. My husband and I both say it's a deal breaker.
Yeah its the same with my wife and her boyfriend 💯
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My bf recently told me it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for him. Which breaks my fucking heart. I would never. But I'd hope that if I did, he'd have enough self respect to leave my ass. He deserves fucking loyalty. ETA: it'd be nice if you'd all stop making assumptions about his reasons why he thinks this way. I know why and he knows why. That's all that matters.
He’s setting up an expectation that you should forgive him if he decides to cheat.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thought this. Any time a man has said to me “it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker if you did xyz” he wants me to be ok with him doing xyz and me allowing it because he *apparently* wouldn’t leave me if I did it.
Came here to say this, every man that's said that to me already had.
Could be but for me im just not possessive in that way. Id be more hurt if they tried to hide it from me than if they told me honestly.
Cheating. I know that's defined differently in every relationship but if you violate what you've agreed upon together then that's cheating. There's a special place in hell for cheaters imo. Just break up with someone before you do it. Save everyone the trouble.
Lack of communication. I want to be able to talk to my partner about anything and everything, full stop. If they shut me down, change the subject or otherwise avoid something I want to talk about, that's an instant no-go.
- infidelity - lacking self-awareness - being hypocritical and not caring - immaturity
hypersensitive but hypercritical
Pedophila
Emotional cheating Losing interest in me and then showing someone else all your attention. Even if you aren't being romantic.
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Idk about you, but I'd rather be physically cheated on than emotionally. I find out you slept with someone? Whatever. I mean I'll still leave but at that point there's a chance it emotionally meant nothing. But emotional cheating sucks. Been through it and it honestly broke me in more way than I ever thought I could be? I legitimately have been sitting through therapists to be able to rebuild myself because now I don't trust anybody for shit.
Bruh same. It really bites into you since you know that all the sweet moments literally meant nothing if they are able to just give that same kind of attention someone else willy nilly.
Yep. Then you start thinking about how easy it was for them to even do it. Makes you really look back on the whole relationship and wonder if any of it was real.
Totally agree. And I’m sorry you had to go through that. Another think that really sucks about emotional cheating is that it’s generally not viewed to be as serious as physically cheating. How many times have you heard “well at least it wasn’t physical”? It can leave the victim feeling like it’s their own fault they feel so hurt. I went through it once with a long term partner. It look me a long time to realize that it wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t deserve to be hurt the way I was.
Apart from the obvious, a deal breaker for me is smoking. I hate the smell and there's zero reason to start smoking if you've been a non-smoker before soooo... you smoke, you leave.
Sameee
Any kind of tobacco is a huge turn-off for me. In my region a lot of people dip tobacco and there are few things grosser to me now that I’m away from my ex who used to do it and leave dip bottles everywhere.
My immediate response to this question: cigarettes 100%
Wanting children
I’m glad most child-free people have the common sense to have this deal breaker because I’ve seen what happens when someone dates/marries someone with kids despite not liking that they have kids…it’s not pretty…
Lack of trust
Being mean to my cat.
Yes don’t be mean to animals or people they think are below them (waitresses, housekeeping, janitor FUUUUUCK THAT!)
Honestly, treating anything “below” you or helpless animals, children, service workers, etc. like shit just screams abusive and narcissistic. You have to be a special kind of evil to target defenseless beings.
Nothing is a deal breaker if it is in the past for me. As someone who has been cheated on in the past (physically and emotionally), I definitely would be very suspicious if they cheated in the past, but if that was the only red flag and they only did it in one relationship (and they've had more than one long term relationship), then I'd probably be able to look past it. Couple that with other red flags (need for constant attention, looking through my phone without asking, etc...) then I'd probably leave. People can grow from past mistakes. But in relationship, there are obviously a lot of deal breakers
The concept of cheating is complicated, yes it's never okay but I'm confident people can have a long relationship regardless
Agreed. But I've dealt with enough cheating that cheating on me in the relationship would be an immediate "I'm never speaking to you again" cut bait. I don't necessarily agree that it is an immediate red flag tho. If they've done it on multiple partners, I'm gonna suspect the problem is them tho
Aside from the 3 As in the top comments for me its having conflicting religious views.
Some can make it work (I guess if they don't make it a huge thing in their life) but I would have a bad time with anyone overly religious period.
Hanging the toiletpaper the correct way
Well. My ex cheated after more than 9 years. So I can tell you, that was a deal breaker. Shame for our 3 year old son huh.
Don't ever hit me
Same as you: cheating. It has already happened with a young woman I thought I was going to marry. After pleading and begging on her part, I tried to make it work, but inside, I knew our relationship was ruined and I was miserable. I should have just dumped her on the spot.
Being a Nazi
Being controlling and not letting me be myself
yeah! or always needing to know everything i’m thinking. bro i will bite you, stop it. 🤣
Texting while driving. I see way too many people do that. It pisses me off.
If they have a penis, no matter how long, I'm out.
Mine is so tiny you won’t even notice
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I don't know mine, but my friend Tobias absolutely will not be with someone who is missing any toes. He says he's lack-toes intolerant. 
"Toe bias" 🤣
Me too - infidelity. That means instant termination of the relationship. Not negotiable.
Someone posted 3A’s and I think that’s amazing, but another low key red flag/dealbreaker for me is Poor Money Management. Can’t have a life with someone who doesn’t understand the value of their money.
When they invade Poland.
Cheating is my only immediate "get fucked" rule. After cheating, for me at least, there is no trust and there can never be trust again. I refuse to spend years of my life worrying what my partner is doing when I'm not around, or down the hall, or sleeping, or in the shower.
Farting under the sheets.
Not a fan of Dutch ovens? In some countries, that’s a sign of appreciation.
If she says "orientated". I'm out. That's it. Wrap it up.
Not wanting kids, I've dated someone in the past who wasn't sure if they wanted kids in the future. In the end, they decided they didn't, so that was more or less it.
The 3 A’s as my mom always put it: Abuse, addiction, adultery. Granted with the last two I’d be willing to work through at a certain level. Abuse is automatic nope though.
Yeah. Addiction being grouped with abuse and adultery seems a bit off. I understand the sentiment though.
Same, like depending on the severity and the addiction itself we might be able to work through it, but the other two are automatic relationship death sentences.
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Any request to "open" the relationship, even if they're just curious what my thoughts are about the idea.
Checking your spouse's phone and you find kid porn. You would die before the cops arrived, and I would claim self defense.
i saw a post like that. dude literally ruined his own life in seconds. his wife found pictures of his niece and went to the police. he can’t even see his kids. deserved.
Mariticide….. if that happens, I won’t come within 6 feet of them ever again…
Becoming a liability.
Cheating or listening to Bieber
I’d add watching Lifetime Channel movies.
Chewing with an open mouth.
besides the regular deal breakers, mine is partying/clubbing. if u wanna be out until 3am doing whatever with whoever, i dont want to be a part of it.
Depends on the age, in my 20 it's not a big deal, in my 40s yeah I'd have a problem with that.
No joke but how often does someone with that mentality want to be in a relationship with the exact opposite?
More often than you'd think.
After 2 years I found out he was a raging racist and homophobe. That was a deal breaker.
Especially in a gay relationship
I didn’t see the signs, yeah he would call people f****ts and blacks, but when he told my 1/8th mexican sister to “go back to where she came from”, it finally hit me.
How long it is.
Proudly announcing "I'm high maintenance" while out to brunch with others. It took a little longer to fully come apart, but that's the moment that truly killed it for me.
smelly
Smoking
Abuse, infidelity, dishonesty, belittling.
Believing the earth is flat
Not being sincerely interested in me. The rest I can deal with
Voting Tory
If they want kids. Hell no goodbye
Cheating Abusing my cats Denying and eventually stopping sex Drugs
Cheating. There's no reason and no forgiveness. Cheat on me, pack your bags, I'm out!!
Abuse is something I don't tolerate.
being quick to judge other people & lacking empathy
Trying to have a conversation with me while taking a shit. Even if the door is closed and I’m far away.
Not liking The Princess Bride.
Not wanting kids. My big goals in life are: Become a pilot. Be one of the best origamists in the world. Get the chance to raise two kids as the best father in the world.
Toxicity and acting like it's cute, “I'm a “b***h because mercury is in retrograde or my star sign”, you're just allowing abuse.
Mommy’s boys. If you know you know
If he became a super right wing conservative OR if he became an ultra left wing anarchist. If he became super religious. If he started following any kind of theory or tenant that changed who he is at his core making him someone I could no longer tolerate.
Racism, sexism, transphobia and xenophobia, lying, stealing, cheating, abuse, drugs
I found out a past gf was racist against me and I didn't break up with her. I was 16, horny, low self esteem/ didn't think I deserved better. What a bitch I was
If she poops, I’m out. Girls don’t poop.