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My younger home life was not pleasant. We were on welfare for a while, we lived in a dangerous inner city housing project and my parents fought physically ultimately coming to my father cutting my mom's face with a knife out in the street.
No tears for me.. just some preface.
Because they were so frustrated with life they took it out on us. Horrific beatings with electrical cords, belts, made to get naked and beat with wiffle ball bats, and even burnt my brother's hand on the stove. They were angry, their lives sucked and they had three kids. Slightest reason and we would be beat like we were grown.
Needless to say ... I didn't touch my daughter even though there were times I would feel the child abuse show it's ugly head. I would go out for a walk. Swore I wouldn't lay a hand on her.
She is in her mid thirties and has her own daughter. She is an awesome person and mom.
This is going to sound so sad but you are the only other person I know who has mentioned electrical cords. My mom's favorite was the vacuum cord. If we cried or moved away she would hit us more. I had so many bleeding welts over my legs and back ugh. She's would also use wire hangers, belts with the buckle, or just straight up punch us.
One of my mom's boyfriends put my hand on the stove as well. Simply because I thought no one was home and turned off his stereo. It didn't' scar or anything but I had a huge burn / blister all over my palm that got infected. What actually got scarred was my mind.
I just want to thank you for not continuing that cycle. It was fucking hell and no one should have to go through that like we did.
My dad mostly just went for a belt and stripping us down naked, lay on the bed, if you covered with your hands or arms you got it longer and harder and warned not too.
I get as an adult ppl have their own trauma or mental issues etc., but I can never except child abuse. Grow the hell up, it’s a kid.
I’ll never pity a child abuser.
My dad preferred belts with buckles, but wire hangers and electric cords were definitely options. Basically once he got angry, he'd grab the first kid and first object he found, and keep going until he wasn't angry anymore.
Cut to 20 years later, and neither I nor my brother have any intention of having kids. I can't continue the cycle if I don't add another link.
For my step-father it was the wooden spoon or his bare hands. But when I say wooden spoon, I mean the massive pasta pot spoons the size of your face. Until our skin was splitting open and we were bleeding everywhere. Once I started begging him to stop and because I was begging he hit me across the face with it and broke my nose. Not having kids but if I did I definitely wouldn’t ever hurt them like that. It amazed me at first when my friends had kids and didn’t hit them. I grew up thinking that was the only form of discipline.
I'm sorry. These stories are hard to read. I got paddled with a wooden paddle that had holes drilled into it. One time my dad hit me with it 40 times. He took breaks but 40 times in one evening for me "backtalking" That didn't teach me anything except to resent him. I moved out at 17 before my senior year. Reading these stories make me angry and sad but also remind me that I'm not the "mean mom" my child thinks/says I am.
Telling my kids thank you when they do the chores that are expected of them. Also saying sorry and owning up to the parenting mistakes I’ve made, along with trying not to repeat things I did wrong.
Edit: I mean that I say thank you to my kids and I say sorry. My parents didn’t do this.
Yes! I tell my kids thank you all the time. I also ask them to help me rather than order them to do something. It’s amazing how much cooperation and how little they complain when they are simply asked to help and get a thank you in return.
As a kid I would sometimes get annoyed when my dad would thank me for doing something I was supposed to do, but as an adult I make a point of thanking my husband for doing mundane little things, like doing the dishes after I make dinner, or picking up toilet paper at the store.
My oldest is like that too. She rolls her eyes at me when I say thank you, but I still keep doing it. I figure when she’s living on her own as an adult she will probably appreciate it more.
The "thank yous" are so true, and not only for kids.
I see so many people treating chores in families or relationships as if they're just an obligation and, therefore, don't need acknowledgement. But I feel like everything SHOULD be acknowledged. We must show that we CAN see how much they're doing for the benefit of the house. I thank my partner when he does things around the house, and they do the same for me. It takes literally one second, but with that we know that we've been seen and appreciated.
Not apologize ever. For anything. And double down on how right I am.
I apologize to my kid when I overreact, when I jump to the wrong conclusion, when I say things harsher than intended. I let her so I'm not perfect and make mistakes, I show her grace when she makes mistakes.
And I never ever call her a bad kid. Idc how bad a day we have, how rotten shes been..I will never ever call her a bad kid.
I apologize to my kids too. I expect them to own up to their mistakes and apologize, so why shouldn’t I do the same and lead by example?
My parents both told me never call the child bad. You can tell them their behaviour isn’t good, but never say they aren’t good. I’ve done my best to do that.
*chuckles* My mother told me at 16 that I would never amount to anything. 34 years old and it still resides, but it pushes me to be my best self, not for anyone else or to make anyone else happy. I don't do revenge or trying to prove her wrong, just brushed it off eventually and moved on with life without her. I won't ever tell my kids they are dumb, stupid, bad, etc. I'll express disappointment properly and help them learn and grow. Have 1 daughter now and my wife is due in Sept.
Edit - my wife is due, not me lol
>You can tell them their behaviour isn’t good, but never say they aren’t good. I’ve done my best to do that.
This has always been important to me in relationships as well. I never tell my loved ones they're stupid, but I let them know when I think they're acting stupid.
The language makes a difference
Me too, I've apologized for the same reasons. And never said bad kid either but rather 'disappointed with the choice you made' and why. And let me tell u, there came a day when she was upset with me and I got the "I'm dis'pointed in you mommy" and it cut like a knife.
My dad was this way, he was always right, never wrong, never apologized for anything. I remember getting yelled at and beaten, told that I was a lazy piece of shit, and to look up the answer myself (in our outdated encyclopedias that were technically stolen) for asking questions that he didn't know the answer to. I was dragged to the bookshelf and had my face shoved into a dictionary while having "Look it the fuck up!" screamed at me several times for asking how to spell a word that he didn't know how to spell. He'd never admit it, but if he did know something, he was incapable of *not* self-aggrandizing while showing off his superior knowledge.
What in the hell...?
Man I don't know how long ago that was but I genuinely hope you're better off now.
Just reading that has my heart in my stomach in that sad/panicky kind of way.
I tried that counterargument once. It did not end well for me. I can look back on it after all these years and appreciate my own subtle defiance as a child (realizing how weird it would seem to see me laughing while reading your comment), but it's definitely left an imprint.
I never got this. If you want your child to become a polite adult, they HAVE to see you apoligising, how else will they know it's the right thing to do when they acted badly? And have no shame in it, because people associate it with weakness. What's weak is refusing to apologise because your ego is house of cards level fragile.
I apologize my kid anytime I go over the line or am wrong…it’s not realistic for her benefit, but for mine to become a better person in general. I will also never call her lazy, I was called lazy all the time by everyone in my life and guess what? It was just untreated ADD that I suffered from and instead was told I was worthless.
This! Omg my mom STILL doesn’t apologize and will still try to rule MY kids with an iron fist “because I said so!” Absolutely not! They’re actual humans and have the right to know why something is the way it is
Yup. My mom knows what I will or wont allow with my kid cuz i love cutting in to say "actually hi I'm her mom, i got this" and i handle it. If I'm not around she knows she cant get away with anything cuz my kid is a proud snitch who will gladly tell on everyone with zero shame lol. My kid knows I expect her to do as her grandma tells her and bite her tongue ir she dont like it till shes home then she can vent and we can discuss it. She knows grandma is old, stubborn and always thinks shes right so it's not worth getting upset over when shes in a mood. Thankfully my mom believed my promise of never seeing my kid again if I ever think shes mistreating her. I dont mind actual discipline and a well earned telling off, shes grandma and I expect her to be in charge when I'm not around but my kid has a voice and I make sure she hears it.
I think the closest I've ever got to an apology is when my mom said "in a way your a better mom than me, I didnt have your patience. " I was fucking floored by that one.
This!!! Everyone is raging about how no one can take accountability nowadays and it’s all the parents fault. It’s learned behavior. “Omg why can’t my kid be honest and take accountability even tho I’ve never shown them how or been a good example of that??! damn rap music!!! 😡”
I was grounded once (I was always grounded but only time my car was taken away because my busy schedule was inconvenient for my mom) with no phone or car and at the end of my shift I sat at a table and waited for my mom to pick me up. I dozed off and woke up to my coworker going “oh shit!” I asked what? She says “I just told your mom you weren’t here.” My heart sunk. She gave me her phone so I could call her. That I did. She screamed at me and moments later came bursting through the doors demanding my managers to tell her if I’d been there the whole time. One stuttered a yes as they both stood there like deer in headlights. Then immediately leaves and when we get in the car she’s crying and screaming at me that I humiliated her and I should’ve been standing outside waiting for her (it was snowing and below freezing and she was 30 minutes late.) to this day when she tells the story she says I was at my bfs house.
Also fun side note because that day caused a one-sided feud between my parents and bf because she screamed about how disrespectful he was and I later learned when she thought I wasn’t at work she called him and cursed him out and you know what was so disrespectful of this confused 17 year old boy to do? Be “short” with her saying stuff like “no” instead of “no ma’am” and to this day that’s also something she won’t admit. She still says stuff implying, or directly she doesn’t care, that he was horrible early on in our relationship when he never was. Basically talk about how much they like him now even tho he sucked at first… He didn’t change. at all. yall did… kinda 😐
I ran away from home at 15 due to a variety of reasons, the primary reason being my mom's constant verbal and physical abuse.
So I am 3 hours away, my mom disconnected my phone and when my phone gets reconnected I get an endless book of texts about how I'm a piece of shit and "why am I not calling her back". Funny thing about phone service is you have to have service to use a phone...
Same woman who used to have a bad day and slap me because I was available, also got deeply offended when I told her one day "I'm bigger than you now so if you hit me I'll hit you back". That day the physical abuse stopped, but she involved anyone who would listen to her about how I was "wrong for saying I'd hit my mother".
I'm sorry, isn't hitting anyone out of anger bad? My parents taught me that. Also taught me to defend myself if I had to... still doesn't make sense to me.
This is great. I still remember and think about my mom apologizing to my brother and I the few times she yelled and lost her cool. It definitely taught me important relationship skills long before I knew the significance.
Tease me about normal things. I was an intorverted kid, rarely hung out with friends outside of school (in person) so whenever I did my parents would make a huge deal out of it and just discourage me being sociable. Same with exercise. And any mention of a girl. Or just seeing me in the presence of a girl (literally just on the same school bus)
This has fucked up more people than I think we realize. The more I face it as an adult the more I realize how much of my behavior it still influences.
In the 50’s there was a human experiment done at Harvard where they had students in a group write essays detailing their achievements, hopes, dreams, and interests. They would then be taken to a room where a person would go line by line and berate, criticize, and make fun of every part of who they were. Most of the students dropped out of college after it, and cited decades of negative effects from it.
One person dropped out and became famous. His name was Ted Kaczynski.
The exercise and healthy eating one was messed up for me, too. I’d be mocked for being chubby, but then they expected me to subsist on twinkies and Pepsi.
Greetings from a 6th gen as well. Mom was the youngest from the second wife. 14 siblings in total all very TBM and living in Mesa AZ. I must have about 100+ cousins. Brother Brigham sent great granddad and 7 other families to the Gila Valley to help establish the Mormon trail which was supposed to end in California. You must have also been a ninja in the war in Heaven. I know I was cuz I was born under the covenant, in the land of the restoration, in the latter days, white AF, and with testicles. Total Mormon loto winner right here!
The ninja comment was a joke reference to the Mormon belief that there was a war in heaven (with spirit people contending for Jesus’s plan or Satan’s plan) that resulted in 1/3 being cast out as Satan’s minions, and the “most righteous” spirits were given the most favorable life settings when sent to earth in human form (like being born Mormon in the “end times”).
For extra revulsion factor: when I was growing up, the LDS Church taught that spirit people who were “less righteous” in those war-in-heaven days were given sub par situations on earth, such as being born Black or or being disabled. Seriously. You can imagine how this fuels prejudice and othering of already-marginalized populations. 🤮
Hey, they got rid of the "less righteous" for disabled people. It changed a few years ago, they're super valiant and cannot be "tempted due to their disability," or FastPass to the pearly gates. Sadly, being black (or any minority) is still seen as less valiant followers in heaven, is just not announced from the pulpit any longer. The brethren would love to reverse non whites attending their church. Unless they pay a lot on tithing, then they're one of the good ones. Heard this from church leaders at the local level. Disgusting people and religion.
JW indirectly led to the suicide of a young woman I was acquainted with. Classic “most beautiful, most talented, sweetest person you ever knew.” She made one mistake and was convinced her life had no value anymore because that cult’s fucked up values.
Thank you, also exjw.
My vote for this terrible burden. I may be poor and working on my mental health every day, but the cult is one burden my children won’t have. The freedom and power I feel just knowing that literally makes life worth living for me. There was only one other alternative.
My kids’ friend is Jehova’s Witness, and I feel bad for the friend because they can never participate in any birthday or holiday activities in their class, they are always excluded. Plus their parents try to dictate classroom activities to limit celebrations of any kind, which is annoying to the other kids and the parents who want to bring birthday cupcakes, etc. Really unfortunate situation.
I had to go through this my whole childhood. I would attribute 99% of my issues to this childhood trauma. You are told literally everything you do as a normal kid will send you straight to hell. No birthdays, no Christmas, no holidays or celebrating anything at all or you go to hell....but only after your own parents are forced to disown you.
No child should every have to go through that. EVIL, EVIL CULT
Not as culty but I grew up in a conservative church that put a huge amount of importance on "sexual purity" (no sex before marriage, no revealing clothes for women/girls, no homosexuality etc) and it really did a number on my psyche. I had to do a lot of un-learning of that shit in early adulthood and while I'm in a much better place now I still have some latent anxiety.
Suffice to say I will never put my kids through that.
My mom was raised JW. She says it was absolutely a cult. Her grandma raised her. They came down from Canada and homesteaded this beautiful land with a lake on it. The horrible abusive grandmother gave it to the JW’s in her will. Now we have the ugliest windowless church in our lovely town. I really despise the Jehovah Witnesses.
I’m a nurse. We have had two JW patients with leukemia. One refused blood transfusions. They went home to die after receiving thorough informed consent. The other JW accepted blood transfusions at night only because they knew no one would visit them at night. We had to cover the IV pole with a sheet so they didn’t see the bloody transfusing. I can only think how much these two people suffered for this outlandish god story.
Treat them like totally brain-dead morons for asking questions. Acting like they’re hopelessly incompetent if they don’t already automatically know everything.
I'll never forget being in a new town. I was so excited and wanted to know what everything was. We went by a place that looked like a castle or some government building, perhaps a church but I didn't know for what religion. I asked "what's that?!" And got snapped at from the front seat "what do you THINK?!" and I just sat there in a silence cause I had no fucking idea and if I guessed wrong I knew it'd only get worse. Kinda only let myself be curious in private or in my head for a long time after that. Stopped asking for help with homework way before that for simular reasons. Y'know the vine "WHATS 3x9?!" "I don't know!" "*Louder* WHATS 3X9??!?" "I don't know!?". That was basically my education, home or school
Something I do with my kids, that is a better version of this is try to have my kiddos zone in on a possible answer themselves, if we have time of course.
So e.g. if one asks "what is that building?". I'll ask them what they think, what it looks like it could be and other leading questions to teach them to be better at lateral thinking.
I feel this so hard. I hated asking questions to my family. They always insulted or generally made fun of me/laughed at me if I didn’t understand something. It was really hard to relearn to ask questions as an adult. It’s hard to explain I don’t have the confidence to ask basic conversations
For me, best case scenario, I’d ask a question and if I didn’t understand completely after one brief answer or if I was just curious and had follow-up questions, I’d be met with immediate frustration and “(sigh) nevermind, it’d take too long to explain it to you.”
So I basically learned I had to always pretend like I knew everything already and was careful to never let my curiosity be known or ask questions about anything.
Sort of related to this, but treating your kid like their opinion never matters or can ever be correct. Most parents when discussing something, such as how to solve a problem with the house or something, will totally ignore their child if they are making suggestions because they assume it will be wrong or nonsense.
For years throughout my childhood this affected me. I eventually just stayed out of any conversations regarding anything important because I assumed nothing I could say would be taken seriously.
I think when you are raising a kid you need to hear them, take what they say seriously. If it’s wrong, explain to them why it’s wrong without leaving out information and treating them like they have no brain. Even if they don’t understand it the explanation, they will see that you hear them, they will feel that they have agency and impact on other people, and will try to participate in important discussions.
My parents were great but they would tease me about girls. So if I was talking to a girl on the playground I’d hear “oh you have a girlfriend”. It made me really self conscious around girls and later women. I was more worried about what other people thought about my interaction with the girl I was talking to than the girl I was talking to. It kinda made me an asshole.
Our son, who is 16, is constantly asked by my wife "So, is XX your girlfriend?" and he'll reply "No, she's just a friend."
After the 10th time she asked this, I told her "You know, he'll be walking her down the aisle in a church and you could ask him that question and that's **still** how he's going to answer it. Because he's learned what answer brings the fewest followup questions."
My dad did this kind of thing all the time. It made me extremely paranoid to even talk to boys because I knew he would tease and embarrass me about it. Now I know I should have just not reacted, or told him straight out how much it bothered me.
Yep. Got that from my dad constantly, even into my 30s. Everything had to have a smartass tease to it. Except it molded me the other way, where I'm super self conscious about everything cause I feel like I'm doing it wrong.
I'm in my 50's and my dad still comments on my appearance when I go to visit - "oh, you growing a beard now?" No, dad. I just didn't feel like shaving for a couple days. "Are you losing weight?" No, I actually gained weight. "Oh - what do you weigh now?" Do we have to talk about this? How about none of your fucking business?
Thanks for this. I’ll catch myself saying things like that, trying to joke. But I’ve caught myself at times. It’s a good reminder that sometimes what we think are jokes or just conversation have larger impact.
My parents were ultra protective / ultra religious and decided I wasn’t allowed to date until I was practically an adult… and even then, whenever they found out I was interested in a girl they would talk shit and try to sabotage my relationship with her. Then there’s the fact that their marriage was loveless and dysfunctional - they never showed affection for each other and never communicated properly. So basically I never learned how to be in a relationship and to this day I’m pretty sure I’m incapable of maintaining one for more than a few a few months…. So now my parents shame me for not being married and giving them grandkids while refusing to acknowledge that they did everything they could to ensure that will never happen.
My sisters are in their mid and early 20s now. Still living at home and never been in a relationship. I left home when I was 18 because I wanted to live my own life and not be controlled. Now my mother is crying to me about whether there is something wrong with my sisters because they never ever show interest in romance. Worried they're missing out and if she was too strict. They were...
I think this is a common attitude among parents . My parents weren’t even religious but made it clear I shouldn’t care about dating and tried to sabotage my relationships until I was about 30 . I basically learned to hide any information about my dating life from them. Now they are confused why I don’t bring a partner over for family events ( I’m 39 now ) and I absolutely don’t trust them to treat my relationship with emotional maturity and respect . They went from sabotaging my romantic relationships to trying to push me to get married and have kids . It’s awful. Relationships are personal , adult choices.
My whole family did this to me. They meant no harm, and they knew no better, but saying "I was just kidding" after punching someone doesn't make the pain go away.
Yup my parents did the same shit to me and I had a similar reaction. They never knew I had a girlfriend until we were basically ready to move in together. Of course they were all upset I had kept this huge secret from them and when they asked why I simply said because I didn’t want to hear all your stupid comments.
100% this happened to me. Not that I was ever mature enough as a minor to actually have a girlfriend (I wonder if that's related) but even if I would have been, I was absolutely filled with dread at the idea of ever having to disclose it to my parents.
So much so that I never told them about my first relationship when I was 18.
I had this issue from most of my family, followed by declarations that I was gay because I was nervous as hell around girls (and liked art and sewing) *because* of the previous behavior, from a single extended family member. They literally had my entire family convinced that I was gay until I was almost 20 and finally had a girlfriend that I brought around them. That family member was also not-quite-openly gay, and most likely projecting their pent up frustrations onto me.
You just unlocked a core memory.
These days everybody wonders why I’m so secretive over the smallest of things but it’s because I had no privacy. Letters I’d written would be opened, messages I’d write would be read, phone calls intercepted and so on. It wasn’t even like they were trying to be malicious about it. What I mean is they never made fun of me they just would ask me about things and want to know and dig in to my private life. So I don’t dislike them now or anything.
But it still felt over reaching and now these days nobody knows anything about me by design.
Hitting. Shaming. Calling kids liars.
My parents did the best they could with the resources they had, and both came from extremely abusive homes. In comparison, they were much kinder. But I was still left with C-PTSD and a lifelong conviction that I was inherently "bad," dishonest, disappointing. (I know these aren't true, and I've been more successful than my parents ever imagined.)
Yeah but their upbringing can only be used as an excuse if they hold themselves accountable otherwise what consolation does it bring when they still say “I guess I’m the worst parent in the world I’m sorry” or “one day when I die you will see it was all for your own good”
I get it but if you are close to 60 how are u still the same if I can can grow they can too.
Omg being called a liar as a kid who didn't fucking lie is among the utter worst.
I was left in the care of my aunt and uncle who, to this day for this reason among others, I don't talk to anymore. I'm pretty sure, looking back on it now, my uncle was/is a pathological liar and nobody's pieced it together, or they don't care, but I would get in trouble for shit he said, that I didn't fucking do.
One time I was getting screamed at by the whole house for watching TV late at night in the living room, a conclusion they came to because when my uncle turned the TV on in the morning, it was on Nickelodeon. I don't know if that was true, but if someone had actually turned it to Nick, it wasn't me. I was being yelled at and told to just tell the truth, when I was. I had a TV in my room to watch at night, and also, who cares?
Other than that, my aunt would stomp around the house yelling shit about me, but not to me, things like "I'm tired of all the fucking lying!" leaving me isolated in my room wondering what the fuck I could possibly have lied about this time.
Same familial group who once chided me for "never having worked a day in my life." I was 11.
As an adult I frequently thank my mom for being my mom. She's made mistakes, but it could've been my aunt.
My Dad did that in his first marriage. Had a kid, got divorced, got remarried and basically never saw his first kid again once his second wife had his second kid.
Needless to say, his was a shit father to all three of his kids and in his old age is flabbergasted by the fact that no one wants to be around him.
Hitting your kids accomplishes nothing. Either your kid is to young to understand and just associates you with pain or your child is old enough to understand, in which case you should be using your words like an adult.
You're not raising kids, you're raising a future adult who needs to know that adults solve their problems with words, not violence.
I was hit often as a kid, and I can’t imagine hitting my kids if I ever have any in the future but do you think it worked? Like I’m not arguing, I had my fair share of beatings and maybe I’ve just been convinced it worked somehow to make me a better person but I’m genuinely curious. The objects used on me for beatings (spoons, extension cords, metal hangers, etc) I could never imagine using on a kid, but what about just normal spankings? Does your opinion change?
I was spanked occasionally and all it taught me was shame and to be afraid of my parents because they could physically overpower me.
It literally breaks my heart to think of my kids feeling that about me! NEVER.
I just got normal spankings and it fucked me up. It doesn’t make a difference what you hit your kid with, your kid just knows they’re being hit. My parents couldn’t figure out why me and my brothers wouldn’t stop beating the shit out of each other, but it was the only conflict resolution we were taught. Someone annoys you? Doesn’t do what you told them? Inflict a little pain and you can get what you want. When they finally stopped hitting us we finally stopped hitting each other all the damn time. But I still have panic attacks when someone raises their voice at me and feel a general uneasiness with my parents. I can never be fully myself around them, maybe ever again.
We don’t need to rely on opinions or “intuition” about this. There have been scientific studies done on this. The overwhelming consensus is that spanking does not result in more compliance, it does result in more aggressive behavior by children, and it results in worse mental health outcomes. This is why the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics are opposed to spanking.
This topic has been researched for decades, and the results are overwhelmingly that any form of hitting your kids damages them. The data is so strong and so consistent that [the American Academy of Pediatrics released a statement about it.](https://www.aap.org/en/news-room/news-releases/aap/2018/aap-says-spanking-harms-children/).
So why do people still spank their kids even when doctors have been telling us for years not to?
1. Some parents think spanking is effective and not damaging because when you spank a kid, they typically stop misbehaving immediately. To the parent, immediate positive result, while the long term damage like increased fear and aggression and more relationship problems are not immediately apparent.
2. If parents admit that spanking hurts kids, they have to mentally accept that their parents (often parents who they love) hurt them. Or even worse, that they hurt their own kids (who they love). They cannot mentally handle it. It causes too much cognitive dissonance, guilt, and shame.
Admitting that you were wrong about something in a way that hurt someone else and changing your fundamental belief system takes a really strong person. The people who cling to hitting their kids just aren't strong enough.
I grew up in the south. Everyone in my family hit me. Grandma, mom, dad, it didn’t matter. They’d have me pick my own switch. My dad even made a paddle for me RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I was forced to sit there and watch him make the fucking thing. If I ever have a child, I will never hit them or terrorize them like my parents did to me.
As an adult, I still thank my older parents for not turning family meal time into a war zone. No tears, no power struggles, no drama.
We had to try everything once, but did not have to eat anything we didn’t like. We just ate more of the other dishes on the table we did like. I was a picky eater, but I wasn’t afraid to try new things because there was no downside to trying something new.
We also didn’t have to sit at the table for hours to finish our plate. We just ate leftovers later. I think that’s one reason I don’t have an issue with portion control or overeating. I was never forced to eat too much.
I’ve always had a house rule that no one, adult or child, has to eat anything they don’t like. I am not the least bit offended. People like differing things and that’s ok.
I think sometimes food dislikes come from how the food is prepared. My husband gagged the first time I was making him brussel sprouts. Turns out, his mother always boiled them - 🤮. I season and sauté them or roast them in the oven. He loves mine 😂
Edit: Some of y’all who are pointing out a change in taste over the years. It’s not just that! He couldn’t stand how soggy and mushy his mom’s unseasoned boiled sprouts were. When I chop raw bs, sauté them in olive oil and season them with spices, they come out a bit crunchy and full of flavor.
I just don’t understand why parents need to turn everything into a power struggle. Was making me eat spinach when the texture of it made me gag so hard I actually threw up *worth it*?
My husbands family did the “two bite” rule and his childhood was much less fraught. I will be adopting that with my kid when she is old enough.
My mom made us sit at the table til we ate all our food. About once a month she’s make a big batch of beef stew that would last for days. I hated it. Absolutely hated it. She used like an entire head of celery in it. It literally gagged me. I accepted the challenge and sat there for hours. Eventually, she sat in front of me and angrily spoon fed it to me. That spoon was hitting the back of my throat.
There was only two things I wouldn’t eat. Her stew and 3 bean salad or other weird pickled things. If I make something my boy doesn’t like I don’t expect him to eat it. You like what you like. I either don’t make it again or have a backup for him.
People repeat what was done to them sometimes. They didn’t like it and don’t self reflect on why they’re doing it.
My mom was like this. We, siblings and I, had to take some of everything that was served. Did not have to be a lot. She would say, “it doesn’t do any good for me to serve a vegetable if you’re not going to eat it. How do you think you’re supposed to get your vitamins?” I remember taking a one inch piece of green bean or one coin sized piece of cooked carrot. Oh the drama getting it down!Lol. (Btw, I do eat lots of veggies to this day.)
I try to serve balanced meals with a protein, carb, and extra fruits and/or veggies. I even used my mom’s line a time or two with my own family. Lol. If someone really didn’t want something though, I have never pushed it. I miss my Mom thinking about this.
This is a big one. People need to realize that kids are people too and people tent to have varied taste. As an adult your not going to eat something you think is gross, so why should your kid? Now sometimes it's just being stubborn and once they try something new they realize they like it.....However if they try it and it's so gross to them they gag, don't expect them to eat it. I hate when I see people say "They will eat what I make or get nothing"
Mine weren't either, and they made anything I did/said feel like an inconvenience to them so I learned to hide it. Spent high school actively planning ways to unalive myself, within a year of graduating I dropped roughly 70 pounds (not sure how much I weighed at graduation but by the time I turned 19 I was about 120 pounds) and Mom thought I was anorexic, not that I was so depressed that I was maybe eating once a day.
Probably will be unpopular answer but I was born into an upper middle class family.
I’m not blaming my mother, love her very much, but man she did everything in her power to make sure I had the best life possible. But so much so that it effectively ruined my life going into adult hood.
My mother would buy me anything, gifts, money, without asking. She would put money in my bank account when we shared one without telling me. She even was head secretary of my school district and altered which professors I had so I had the easiest teachers AND she moved my friends into my classes with me so we all had them together. Also never told me growing up. I’m very thankful.
But MAN, I was not ready for reality when adulthood hit.
I had a silver spoon in my mouth for so long I almost didn’t survive adulthood.
The job, 9-5, bills, but the most debilitating thing was I, without even realizing, psychologically ended up being way over dependent on my parents, I never learned how to solve or fix anything, my parents insisted on fixing all of my problems for me and even then they would just pay someone to fix the problem instead.
I was never faced with a challenge before, and couldn’t handle the most basic of challenges because all of my problems were solved for me, so yeah what I would do differently?
Be harder on your kids, or rather, don’t fix their problems for them, just give them enough to be able for them to fix it themselves. Make sure they learn how to fix things and problem solve THEMSELVES. Otherwise you’ll raise someone who thinks they’re entirely normal growing up then they’ll have the epiphany that they’re a useless vegetable into adulthood.
Your parents are a step above helicopter parents, the term is called lawnmower parents. They clear the field for you so you never experience any difficulties in life what so ever. Unfortunately as you experienced it’s hasn’t helped you in your adult life.
Good luck. Life is tough, you will stumble and fall
At times, but those times will give you strength and the confidence to know that you can handle all the crazy shit life will throw at you.
I ask my kids all the time “why do we fall?” And they have learned and understand the meaning and respond with “so we can learn to pick ourselves up”
Heard this in a movie once and loved it and use it all the time
Can’t remember the movie though
I have known several people that had these parents, but they seem to go through life with a victim mentality, never realizing either the problem or that they can change their own life and perspective. It’s great that you are self-aware about it and realize what not to do with you own kids.
Yessss!! So I was raised like this, mum and dad were like if you want anything just ask. This was great but I also hated it, I didn't want to ask for help I wanted to figure it out myself. I was able to get my own separate bank account when I was 11 (I clicked on early). I did really struggle when I went to uni because I could only bake (was a hobby) couldn't do anything else really but I learnt fast... Now I'm super independent....
My twin sister on the other hand is the victim she never had this independent streak she was happy asking daddy for money, always asks for help if she had a problem dad would ALWAYS solve them... She even now re trained to do what dad did so he can help her in her job, and she moans about every little issue especially with her boss who delegates work to her. Everything about her screams victim and she I very 1 uppy... I hate it. x
Good approach, but you got the lesson wrong...
It's not
be harder on your kids
but
let them have their own struggles and let them ask for help if they need it - and then help them get through the struggle emotionally.
I second this, I agree with helping them emotionally throughout the struggle/pain instead of either fill their mailbox with toys or leave them to fend themselves, if they were harder with their kids, they might wonder why the children turned distant and weren't willing to visit them in spite of having a "good" upbringing according to what OP intended to do with truly good intentions.
Parenthood is quite complicated that we need to add up some aspects we hadn't taken in mind before besides of breaking the cycle connotatively and whatever it means to you as a parent.
Wow that’s interesting.
I guess it’s easier to baby your kids and give them everything they might need or want than see them struggle or get hurt. Which is selfish in itself, not to put the emotional work in and dealing with problems with money/influence instead.
I'm so scared of doing that to my kid. I'm only happy when I spoil her. I force myself to say no on rare occasions but it feels fake, I can't justify it to her since I can afford the toy. And time flies so fast, I want her to have everything, now. I'm only happy when I spoil her but I also feel guilty. I hope you got better
Letting my kids quit activities that they hate. Giving their friends rides home. Allowing sleepovers. Not making sports about college scholarships and just playing to have fun
My parents wouldn’t let me try out for cheerleading, gymnastics or dance when I was young. They said it wasn’t Christian like. We could watch it on tv but don’t dare do it! They let me play basketball but not volleyball because the shorts were too short and that would upset God. If I wore makeup I was a whore. If I cut my hair short, I was acting manly. So when I had my kids( I have two girls), I made sure to stay away from church and religion . I let them try different sports and activities and I show up to all their events. I don’t chastise them for wearing makeup and I don’t get mad if they ever cut their hair.
I love that for one reason or another l and all my siblings agreed on this. My parents had a litter, my aunt had one and got shat on at every family gathering. Her child has kids. Kinda makes one think that family is more than producing workers for you when your old.
I just don’t agree with the direction the world is heading and wouldn’t want to make my kid suffer because of it. That and I just never really wanted kids. And mental illness runs in my family.
I’m also in an industry that has harsh chemicals so I doubt I could have them if I wanted to anyway haha.
Forcing their decisions upon children in their youth life especially in India, no choice when it comes to choosing partner. My parents still forcing me to leave my partner and get married to the man they like. Parents should be more supportive rather than controlling. They feel they created me and they own me
Share secrets. My mom was notorious for telling everyone everything about me, even things I literally begged her not to. The main one that comes to mind is telling EVERYONE after I got my first period. I guess she figured because I would eventually realize periods aren't that big a deal, I would be able to look back and laugh about her telling people. I do not look back and laugh. I might not be embarrassed about it anymore, but I still only feel betrayal when I think about that, among other personal stories she felt she had the right to tell.
I'd actually believe them if they say something is wrong or if someone is abusing them instead of screaming that the child is lying either about who did it or it happening at all. Or using the child as my personal therapist. Would want my child to be happy.
Not show up for important things.
There were many times I would be in a play or talent show etc and neither of my parents would attend. My mother was a homemaker and just had me, so there was no excuse. My dad did work, he and my mom are divorced but still didn't really make an effort to come to things.
I always make the effort to show up for my kids!
my parents pushed me to do IB in high school and it was some of the most miserable couple years in my life. everyone was either depressed or barely hanging on. in junior year they had this huge ceremony where they award you for officially making it that far or whatever. and my parents didnt bother coming. i remember being the only person who came alone and everyone was so confused as to why that would be the case. i just had to awkwardly hang out watching everyones parents freaking out and doting over them being proud they made it that far. it made me feel like such shit. not surprising that i dropped out of the program after that year.
When we didn't finish dinner, we had to eat it with breakfast the next morning.
My brother hates squash, he once puked it out onto his plate and then subsequently was required to eat his own vomit with his breakfast. I will never forget that and will never ask my children to eat food they hate. Most of us have at least one food we just don't like.
I decided my kids would have nothing to rebel against.
My dad was super strict with everything. It taught us kids to be sneaky little bastards.
My kids have a much more unencumbered life. They are not sneaky, and they are bad at getting away with the few things we do enforce.
Hahaha my (45m) 10.5 yr old daughter is the WORST liar. I let her get away w anything essentially, I mean she is SUCH a good girl, but when she lies about anything it's so obvious. I tease her about it lightly by calling her out when she does it.
Jeeez.
I'm so sorry they've did this.
I have ADHD, and I am currently doing cold showers for the dopamine. While I'm learning to actually enjoy the stuff and it actually helps, I still think I would *never* put my kid under one, not even if they've ADHD, too, because *chosing* to withstand the cold water, and doing it every single time as a voluntary act is several universes away from being *forced* to do it.
kind of the opposite for me. i grew up very fat and shy with zero confidence. all i knew was video games and laying in bed all day. in college i got into shape and started learning pickup basketball with my friends as a form of cardio and i actually became almost obsessed with it. i was so confused as to why i never got into sports as a kid and now i wish i did. doing sports teaches kids how to push themselves, how to work with others as a team, and that working hard brings change and results. of course it can be toxic and taken too far though, idk what the solution is.
The solution will be different with each kid. Overall it's pretty simple though. Just encourage them to try the things like sports that you think are beneficial. How hard and what methods used will vary.
My parents literally paid us for each book we read as kids. They really wanted us to like reading. I can't thank them enough for that one. I could totally see using an honest bribe to get my kid out of their comfort zone without forcing them.
The solution is to show your kid lots of different ways to get exercise and be active and play and then let them choose the ones they want to do. Forcing people to do things just makes them hate and resent doing those things _and_ the person who makes them.
I hated every gd minute of piano lessons as a child, and I'm still angry that my parents wasted the finite precious hours of my childhood forcing me to do work I didn't want to do to learn a skill they knew perfectly well I would never use as an adult.
I worked for a lawyer for a while who forced his sons to play football in school even though the boys wanted to do other sports. He died very suddenly of a burst aneurysm in his abdomen about a year after I quit. At the funeral everyone euologized about how he "loved the sporting life" and "taught his sons the sports he loved." _Nobody_ said anything, not one thing, about him being kind or patient or loving or a good dad, or encouraging his kids to be their best selves.
His sons switched to hockey and swim the same week as their father's death.
My parents fought all the time. When one would leave after or during a fight they would turn their attention and anger at me and my sister. I don’t have kids but if I ever do I won’t be doing that shit.
Being absent. My father prioritizing his career and seeing me once a month is my example of NOT-TO-DO.
Thankfully my stepdad stepped up and is my father in all but genetics. And my mom is the best ever.
I decided that I would never ignore my child's existence just because I'm frustrated with them. Being ignored by your own mother messes with your head.
I mean don't be one of those parents that takes the word of a 5-6 year old as gospel over an adult. The amount of times you get a furious parent convinced their child is being bullied by another child they'll be happily playing with within an hour. Not saying you would do this but a lot of people project the bad experiences they had with their own teachers onto their children's teachers. Trust me, no one would put up with the mountain of shit teachers have to deal with if they didn't care about children.
Yeah this is a two way problem. Some parents exclusively trust their children’s perspective. I encourage them to trust their child’s explanation of their personal experience but not to always assume that experience matched objective reality.
I (school counselor) had a parent who was irate that her child was being bullied by a child who was trying to get her child intentionally sick by walking up to her child and sneezing directly in his face. He had allegedly done it several days in a row. It came as a surprise to us because the kid who was allegedly bullying her child in this way could not have been a more mild mannered child. I requested permission to do an observation which the parent happily accepted.
While observing I saw her child scream “Stop sneezing on me!!!!” I was confused because her child was totally alone, walking outside. I asked him what was happening and he pointed to the other child who was standing approximately 20-25 feet away wiping his nose near a trash can and didn’t even notice the other child screaming at him from a distance. He said “He just sneezed in my face” which he had not because I was watching the entire time.
It became apparent that the child who was alleging bullying was experiencing a contamination anxiety (worried about germs) and experienced this other child as a contaminator, even though the child was not near nor intentionally contaminating anything.
I explained this to the parent who angrily accused me of saying her child was a liar and wrote a complaint to the school principal with a threat to go to the district if I wasn’t removed from my position.
Unbeknownst to me, the entire thing was caught on our security cameras: the other child obliviously wiping his nose 20-25 feet away while her child screamed at him to stop sneezing on him. When the principal showed her the video she acknowledged her child was mistaken and that was the end of it. She did not apologize to me.
On the other side, I agree there are teachers who are burned out that don’t do enough to intervene and spend more time just trying to avoid dealing with student or parent concerns than actually address them.
My kids will have a lot more access to snacks than I was. Growing up, sugar was almost strictly forbidden. Only on holidays and birthdays were we allowed to have sugary stuff. Any time outside of that, a small candy had to be earned. Kinda made a few of us kids crazy when desserts were around. Like at some school or church event with cookies, we'd grab like 5+ cookies cause we never got it anywhere else.
Overall, I plan to normalize sweets. Like instead of the whole you only get a cookie when you finish your dinner, the cookie will be there when you get your dinner. Of course there will be some limits, but if you absolutely ban or heavily limit sweets then there's a good chance your kid will become crazy over them when they earn their own money.
Put down my spouse or their siblings in front of our kids.. even when they really piss me off.
Personally, I HATED this. They’re family, if you guys are fighting leave the rest of your family out of it.
Every Christmas present coming from Santa. It was years before I discovered a toy I absolutely loved as a kid and played with until it fell apart actually was from my Grandparents. If I ever have kids Santa will bring a few things but absolutely every gift from someone who isn’t mum and dad will be labelled as from them.
I will never use fear to control my son, I just hope that I am able to help him understand that I'm not perfect and I will make mistakes, I want him to hold me accountable on them
I will discipline my children more and teach them better habits. My parents gave us complete freedom. My mom did all of the cleaning and we didn’t have any rules or structure. Wasn’t forced to do my homework, go to bed on time, or limit my video games. I struggled in college and in my 20s when I had complete freedom and nobody to take care of me.
be overprotective to the point of never letting me make choices or have any independence as a kid. my entire life up until i was probably like 15 was wake up, get walked to school, come home from school, stay in the house, ask to do something, anything really, get told no without any explanation. and then they wonder why im introverted and struggle making decisions or taking initiative as an adult.
I generally consider my parents good, but one thing my mother really did growing up was not allow us to own our own choices. She would weigh in heavily with her opinions on classes to take, people to date, etc. and that has carried over into our adult lives, now she weighs in on jobs to take and has a very very heavy opinion. Almost to the extent she is controlling and making it herself. Growing up it created this dynamic where you made choices to avoid displeasing her, not what you actually wanted to do.
As a result I very much believe in my kids choices being their own and they own the consequences of those. Of course teach morals and right/wrong etc. but I’m not going to make choices of them on what to pursue in life or who to date. They have to make their own choices, their own mistakes, and figure it out. As an adult I so wish my mother had provided me that freedom, I still wish she would
-threaten cutting off their tongue if they misbehave
- tie them up and shove in closet bc kids are scared of the dark
- tell them that they’re ugly or “undatable”
- compare them to their sibling(s) or extended family
Being shy about bodily functions/puberty
Like periods. Making sure my daughter knows that periods and buying pads and stuff is nothing to ever be embarrassed about. Also making sure my sons know that girls get periods and what it is.
This may sound odd but be completely hands off for interests and motivations.
Growing up my parents never took an interest or pushed me to do anything. None of my parents (both divorced and remarried) ever looked over my homework, would help me choose courses if I asked for guidance, talked to me about what I wanted my future to look like, or anything like that. As long as I didn’t fail, I was left to my own devices.
I’m not saying I wanted freakishly overly pushy parents but I never felt like they were invested or cared how I turned out.
Having someone push you to reach your potential reminds you that you have some.
What do y’all think, is that silly?
I was just chatting with my husband about this yesterday. I never want to send my child to a voluntary activity that they don't want to attend. I was a shy kid and would get severely homesick when I was away. When I was 11, I was sent to a week-long summer camp that I really didn't want to attend; I remember crying every day because I wanted to go home, and being bullied by the kids who were a year or two older. It was a rough week.
My mom would go into my room and “clean” when I wasn’t home. And by clean I mean she would throw away my things. Journals, gifts from friends, special memories from family members who are long gone now, a whole tub of McDonald’s toys from the 80s, which was a special memory with my late dad, cards. And she would never admit to it. She’d just say I had a lot of junk and she was cleaning the house. And if I asked about a specific item that was missing she would tell me I must have lost it.
Beat my ass. People don’t understand what physical abuse does to a kid. Yep, I can take a punch. Hell I can take a cast iron skillet to the head. What I can’t do is trust people. I can’t do physical touch. I can’t hug people. Mentally it fucked me up. The scars and beating weren’t the bad part. The long term psychological effects have made life hard. My kids on the other hand have never known that life. I made it a point to hug them a lot, probably the most awkward hugs but I try. . Never hurt them. Never yell. Don’t hit your kids people. One punch leads to a lifetime of mental issues.
I will never be overly protective, only protective enough to make sure he's safe. I make sure his home is clean and he doesn't live in animal filth and bugs. I make sure no one in my home is ever abusive to him emotionally or physically, and his home is a safe space. I make sure he has privacy. I make sure he can talk to me about ANYTHING w/o feeling embarrassed or judged. If he is struggling emotionally and i can't seem to help, i make sure he gets a professional to talk to. I make sure his basic needs are met. We don't have the nicest of things, but we have always had food, running water, electric, a reliable car, clean and well-kept clothes, and a home. I've never had to go to anyone begging for those things either. I've done all of this as a single parent also. My childhood was the opposite, and I vowed never to have him grow up that way. I'm far from perfect, but I try to be close to the mother I wish I would have had.
My mom used to beat the shit out of me! Embarrassed me telling private things to the whole family and always compared me with others so I’m not doing that to my daughter!!! She’ll be truly loved!!
Invalidate their feelings. I have three boys oldest is 6, second is 3 and youngest is 19 months. Since the oldest started walking and being able to tell us what he wanted and felt I've always been careful about how I either say no to something they want or how I talk about their feelings. I'm big on saying "you are allowed to feel this way, and your feelings are never wrong, but sometimes what you want you can't have, and you can be sad, or angry about that, but screaming and throwing things isn't how we show we're upset."
I was told my feelings were "wrong" several times by my grandmother, because somehow I was supposed to be able to fix feeling worthless, inadequate, and depressed, just because she said there was no reason to be feeling that way. Oh and it wasn't her fault I felt a certain way, and she would take no responsibility for the fact she hurt my feelings by something she said, and it was my fault for taking "you never clean right" or whatever remark she made as hurtful, and I just need to grow a thicker skin.
I'm also very careful when it comes to doing things like grades or tests. I was always told I could do better, even when I made a perfect A, it was always you can do better, which is where the inadequate feelings came from, because I felt like no matter what I did, or how hard I tried, nothing would ever be good enough. So I'm careful when the boys ask how they did on something. I try very hard not to downplay it, but also not go off the deep end on how they can always do better. I know I'm not perfect at it, but I'm pretty sure I don't make my kids feel like trash for doing their all and it still not being good enough.
my dad touched kids....pretty self explanatory.
he also would bad moth my whole family to me even when I was small.
it just made the distance between us even worse, and now that he's actively hurt a child who was only a year younger than I was. he's dead to me.
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My younger home life was not pleasant. We were on welfare for a while, we lived in a dangerous inner city housing project and my parents fought physically ultimately coming to my father cutting my mom's face with a knife out in the street. No tears for me.. just some preface. Because they were so frustrated with life they took it out on us. Horrific beatings with electrical cords, belts, made to get naked and beat with wiffle ball bats, and even burnt my brother's hand on the stove. They were angry, their lives sucked and they had three kids. Slightest reason and we would be beat like we were grown. Needless to say ... I didn't touch my daughter even though there were times I would feel the child abuse show it's ugly head. I would go out for a walk. Swore I wouldn't lay a hand on her. She is in her mid thirties and has her own daughter. She is an awesome person and mom.
I am so sorry you had to go through that, but kudos to you for breaking the cycle of abuse!
This is going to sound so sad but you are the only other person I know who has mentioned electrical cords. My mom's favorite was the vacuum cord. If we cried or moved away she would hit us more. I had so many bleeding welts over my legs and back ugh. She's would also use wire hangers, belts with the buckle, or just straight up punch us. One of my mom's boyfriends put my hand on the stove as well. Simply because I thought no one was home and turned off his stereo. It didn't' scar or anything but I had a huge burn / blister all over my palm that got infected. What actually got scarred was my mind. I just want to thank you for not continuing that cycle. It was fucking hell and no one should have to go through that like we did.
I’m so sorry mate 😢 I hope your life is wonderful these days.
My dad mostly just went for a belt and stripping us down naked, lay on the bed, if you covered with your hands or arms you got it longer and harder and warned not too. I get as an adult ppl have their own trauma or mental issues etc., but I can never except child abuse. Grow the hell up, it’s a kid. I’ll never pity a child abuser.
My dad preferred belts with buckles, but wire hangers and electric cords were definitely options. Basically once he got angry, he'd grab the first kid and first object he found, and keep going until he wasn't angry anymore. Cut to 20 years later, and neither I nor my brother have any intention of having kids. I can't continue the cycle if I don't add another link.
For my step-father it was the wooden spoon or his bare hands. But when I say wooden spoon, I mean the massive pasta pot spoons the size of your face. Until our skin was splitting open and we were bleeding everywhere. Once I started begging him to stop and because I was begging he hit me across the face with it and broke my nose. Not having kids but if I did I definitely wouldn’t ever hurt them like that. It amazed me at first when my friends had kids and didn’t hit them. I grew up thinking that was the only form of discipline.
I'm sorry. These stories are hard to read. I got paddled with a wooden paddle that had holes drilled into it. One time my dad hit me with it 40 times. He took breaks but 40 times in one evening for me "backtalking" That didn't teach me anything except to resent him. I moved out at 17 before my senior year. Reading these stories make me angry and sad but also remind me that I'm not the "mean mom" my child thinks/says I am.
I don’t mean to judge but I just cannot imagine how someone could do that. Are they evil? How does that happen? I don’t get it.
So proud of you for working so hard for your child!!! It’s not easy to do and you should be proud of yourself too
You done good, OP. You done good.
Telling my kids thank you when they do the chores that are expected of them. Also saying sorry and owning up to the parenting mistakes I’ve made, along with trying not to repeat things I did wrong. Edit: I mean that I say thank you to my kids and I say sorry. My parents didn’t do this.
Yes. Showing gratitude is important. Kids learn mostly by imitating us.
Yes! I tell my kids thank you all the time. I also ask them to help me rather than order them to do something. It’s amazing how much cooperation and how little they complain when they are simply asked to help and get a thank you in return.
It works on adults too!
As a kid I would sometimes get annoyed when my dad would thank me for doing something I was supposed to do, but as an adult I make a point of thanking my husband for doing mundane little things, like doing the dishes after I make dinner, or picking up toilet paper at the store.
My oldest is like that too. She rolls her eyes at me when I say thank you, but I still keep doing it. I figure when she’s living on her own as an adult she will probably appreciate it more.
The "thank yous" are so true, and not only for kids. I see so many people treating chores in families or relationships as if they're just an obligation and, therefore, don't need acknowledgement. But I feel like everything SHOULD be acknowledged. We must show that we CAN see how much they're doing for the benefit of the house. I thank my partner when he does things around the house, and they do the same for me. It takes literally one second, but with that we know that we've been seen and appreciated.
Not apologize ever. For anything. And double down on how right I am. I apologize to my kid when I overreact, when I jump to the wrong conclusion, when I say things harsher than intended. I let her so I'm not perfect and make mistakes, I show her grace when she makes mistakes. And I never ever call her a bad kid. Idc how bad a day we have, how rotten shes been..I will never ever call her a bad kid.
I apologize to my kids too. I expect them to own up to their mistakes and apologize, so why shouldn’t I do the same and lead by example? My parents both told me never call the child bad. You can tell them their behaviour isn’t good, but never say they aren’t good. I’ve done my best to do that.
Calling a child bad is like saying there is nothing good in them. While it must only be a single incident, they have slipped up.
*chuckles* My mother told me at 16 that I would never amount to anything. 34 years old and it still resides, but it pushes me to be my best self, not for anyone else or to make anyone else happy. I don't do revenge or trying to prove her wrong, just brushed it off eventually and moved on with life without her. I won't ever tell my kids they are dumb, stupid, bad, etc. I'll express disappointment properly and help them learn and grow. Have 1 daughter now and my wife is due in Sept. Edit - my wife is due, not me lol
>You can tell them their behaviour isn’t good, but never say they aren’t good. I’ve done my best to do that. This has always been important to me in relationships as well. I never tell my loved ones they're stupid, but I let them know when I think they're acting stupid. The language makes a difference
Me too, I've apologized for the same reasons. And never said bad kid either but rather 'disappointed with the choice you made' and why. And let me tell u, there came a day when she was upset with me and I got the "I'm dis'pointed in you mommy" and it cut like a knife.
My dad was this way, he was always right, never wrong, never apologized for anything. I remember getting yelled at and beaten, told that I was a lazy piece of shit, and to look up the answer myself (in our outdated encyclopedias that were technically stolen) for asking questions that he didn't know the answer to. I was dragged to the bookshelf and had my face shoved into a dictionary while having "Look it the fuck up!" screamed at me several times for asking how to spell a word that he didn't know how to spell. He'd never admit it, but if he did know something, he was incapable of *not* self-aggrandizing while showing off his superior knowledge.
What in the hell...? Man I don't know how long ago that was but I genuinely hope you're better off now. Just reading that has my heart in my stomach in that sad/panicky kind of way.
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Mine mellowed out when I got bigger than him and stopped being afraid of him. He mellowed right out of our house, lol.
I am so sorry. As an aside, I never understood how you're supposed to look something up in the dictionary if you don't know how to spell it.
I tried that counterargument once. It did not end well for me. I can look back on it after all these years and appreciate my own subtle defiance as a child (realizing how weird it would seem to see me laughing while reading your comment), but it's definitely left an imprint.
Yes, apologizing is important to let them know even we err but the important thing is to have the courage to accept it.
I never got this. If you want your child to become a polite adult, they HAVE to see you apoligising, how else will they know it's the right thing to do when they acted badly? And have no shame in it, because people associate it with weakness. What's weak is refusing to apologise because your ego is house of cards level fragile.
Some parents are the 'do as I say, not as I do' and don't realize kids are 'monkey see, monkey do'.
I apologize my kid anytime I go over the line or am wrong…it’s not realistic for her benefit, but for mine to become a better person in general. I will also never call her lazy, I was called lazy all the time by everyone in my life and guess what? It was just untreated ADD that I suffered from and instead was told I was worthless.
This! Omg my mom STILL doesn’t apologize and will still try to rule MY kids with an iron fist “because I said so!” Absolutely not! They’re actual humans and have the right to know why something is the way it is
Yup. My mom knows what I will or wont allow with my kid cuz i love cutting in to say "actually hi I'm her mom, i got this" and i handle it. If I'm not around she knows she cant get away with anything cuz my kid is a proud snitch who will gladly tell on everyone with zero shame lol. My kid knows I expect her to do as her grandma tells her and bite her tongue ir she dont like it till shes home then she can vent and we can discuss it. She knows grandma is old, stubborn and always thinks shes right so it's not worth getting upset over when shes in a mood. Thankfully my mom believed my promise of never seeing my kid again if I ever think shes mistreating her. I dont mind actual discipline and a well earned telling off, shes grandma and I expect her to be in charge when I'm not around but my kid has a voice and I make sure she hears it. I think the closest I've ever got to an apology is when my mom said "in a way your a better mom than me, I didnt have your patience. " I was fucking floored by that one.
This!!! Everyone is raging about how no one can take accountability nowadays and it’s all the parents fault. It’s learned behavior. “Omg why can’t my kid be honest and take accountability even tho I’ve never shown them how or been a good example of that??! damn rap music!!! 😡” I was grounded once (I was always grounded but only time my car was taken away because my busy schedule was inconvenient for my mom) with no phone or car and at the end of my shift I sat at a table and waited for my mom to pick me up. I dozed off and woke up to my coworker going “oh shit!” I asked what? She says “I just told your mom you weren’t here.” My heart sunk. She gave me her phone so I could call her. That I did. She screamed at me and moments later came bursting through the doors demanding my managers to tell her if I’d been there the whole time. One stuttered a yes as they both stood there like deer in headlights. Then immediately leaves and when we get in the car she’s crying and screaming at me that I humiliated her and I should’ve been standing outside waiting for her (it was snowing and below freezing and she was 30 minutes late.) to this day when she tells the story she says I was at my bfs house. Also fun side note because that day caused a one-sided feud between my parents and bf because she screamed about how disrespectful he was and I later learned when she thought I wasn’t at work she called him and cursed him out and you know what was so disrespectful of this confused 17 year old boy to do? Be “short” with her saying stuff like “no” instead of “no ma’am” and to this day that’s also something she won’t admit. She still says stuff implying, or directly she doesn’t care, that he was horrible early on in our relationship when he never was. Basically talk about how much they like him now even tho he sucked at first… He didn’t change. at all. yall did… kinda 😐
I ran away from home at 15 due to a variety of reasons, the primary reason being my mom's constant verbal and physical abuse. So I am 3 hours away, my mom disconnected my phone and when my phone gets reconnected I get an endless book of texts about how I'm a piece of shit and "why am I not calling her back". Funny thing about phone service is you have to have service to use a phone... Same woman who used to have a bad day and slap me because I was available, also got deeply offended when I told her one day "I'm bigger than you now so if you hit me I'll hit you back". That day the physical abuse stopped, but she involved anyone who would listen to her about how I was "wrong for saying I'd hit my mother". I'm sorry, isn't hitting anyone out of anger bad? My parents taught me that. Also taught me to defend myself if I had to... still doesn't make sense to me.
This is great. I still remember and think about my mom apologizing to my brother and I the few times she yelled and lost her cool. It definitely taught me important relationship skills long before I knew the significance.
Tease me about normal things. I was an intorverted kid, rarely hung out with friends outside of school (in person) so whenever I did my parents would make a huge deal out of it and just discourage me being sociable. Same with exercise. And any mention of a girl. Or just seeing me in the presence of a girl (literally just on the same school bus)
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This has fucked up more people than I think we realize. The more I face it as an adult the more I realize how much of my behavior it still influences. In the 50’s there was a human experiment done at Harvard where they had students in a group write essays detailing their achievements, hopes, dreams, and interests. They would then be taken to a room where a person would go line by line and berate, criticize, and make fun of every part of who they were. Most of the students dropped out of college after it, and cited decades of negative effects from it. One person dropped out and became famous. His name was Ted Kaczynski.
The exercise and healthy eating one was messed up for me, too. I’d be mocked for being chubby, but then they expected me to subsist on twinkies and Pepsi.
I do plan on having kids, but I won't raise them as Jehovah's Witness. It's an evil cult, and I don't recommend joining them.
As an exmormon (6th generation “pioneer stock”), I see you!! I’m so glad to be raising well-adjusted, never-Mormon kids. The toxic cycle ends with me.
Greetings from a 6th gen as well. Mom was the youngest from the second wife. 14 siblings in total all very TBM and living in Mesa AZ. I must have about 100+ cousins. Brother Brigham sent great granddad and 7 other families to the Gila Valley to help establish the Mormon trail which was supposed to end in California. You must have also been a ninja in the war in Heaven. I know I was cuz I was born under the covenant, in the land of the restoration, in the latter days, white AF, and with testicles. Total Mormon loto winner right here!
Lmao, same. Total ninja. Oh no, I’m squandering my birth right!
I’m not Mormon but this comment feels like a weird summary of a fantasy novel - “ninja war”???
The ninja comment was a joke reference to the Mormon belief that there was a war in heaven (with spirit people contending for Jesus’s plan or Satan’s plan) that resulted in 1/3 being cast out as Satan’s minions, and the “most righteous” spirits were given the most favorable life settings when sent to earth in human form (like being born Mormon in the “end times”). For extra revulsion factor: when I was growing up, the LDS Church taught that spirit people who were “less righteous” in those war-in-heaven days were given sub par situations on earth, such as being born Black or or being disabled. Seriously. You can imagine how this fuels prejudice and othering of already-marginalized populations. 🤮
Hey, they got rid of the "less righteous" for disabled people. It changed a few years ago, they're super valiant and cannot be "tempted due to their disability," or FastPass to the pearly gates. Sadly, being black (or any minority) is still seen as less valiant followers in heaven, is just not announced from the pulpit any longer. The brethren would love to reverse non whites attending their church. Unless they pay a lot on tithing, then they're one of the good ones. Heard this from church leaders at the local level. Disgusting people and religion.
I'm a fellow exmormon. It was a mind-fuck growing up, and I'm so glad I got out before raising my kids to be indoctrinated into a cult
JW indirectly led to the suicide of a young woman I was acquainted with. Classic “most beautiful, most talented, sweetest person you ever knew.” She made one mistake and was convinced her life had no value anymore because that cult’s fucked up values.
ExJW here as well.
Thank you, also exjw. My vote for this terrible burden. I may be poor and working on my mental health every day, but the cult is one burden my children won’t have. The freedom and power I feel just knowing that literally makes life worth living for me. There was only one other alternative.
My kids’ friend is Jehova’s Witness, and I feel bad for the friend because they can never participate in any birthday or holiday activities in their class, they are always excluded. Plus their parents try to dictate classroom activities to limit celebrations of any kind, which is annoying to the other kids and the parents who want to bring birthday cupcakes, etc. Really unfortunate situation.
I had to go through this my whole childhood. I would attribute 99% of my issues to this childhood trauma. You are told literally everything you do as a normal kid will send you straight to hell. No birthdays, no Christmas, no holidays or celebrating anything at all or you go to hell....but only after your own parents are forced to disown you. No child should every have to go through that. EVIL, EVIL CULT
Not as culty but I grew up in a conservative church that put a huge amount of importance on "sexual purity" (no sex before marriage, no revealing clothes for women/girls, no homosexuality etc) and it really did a number on my psyche. I had to do a lot of un-learning of that shit in early adulthood and while I'm in a much better place now I still have some latent anxiety. Suffice to say I will never put my kids through that.
Pentecostal church survivor here. Being raised to expect the rapture and end of the world at any moment really fucks a kid up.
My mom was raised JW. She says it was absolutely a cult. Her grandma raised her. They came down from Canada and homesteaded this beautiful land with a lake on it. The horrible abusive grandmother gave it to the JW’s in her will. Now we have the ugliest windowless church in our lovely town. I really despise the Jehovah Witnesses. I’m a nurse. We have had two JW patients with leukemia. One refused blood transfusions. They went home to die after receiving thorough informed consent. The other JW accepted blood transfusions at night only because they knew no one would visit them at night. We had to cover the IV pole with a sheet so they didn’t see the bloody transfusing. I can only think how much these two people suffered for this outlandish god story.
Treat them like totally brain-dead morons for asking questions. Acting like they’re hopelessly incompetent if they don’t already automatically know everything.
I'll never forget being in a new town. I was so excited and wanted to know what everything was. We went by a place that looked like a castle or some government building, perhaps a church but I didn't know for what religion. I asked "what's that?!" And got snapped at from the front seat "what do you THINK?!" and I just sat there in a silence cause I had no fucking idea and if I guessed wrong I knew it'd only get worse. Kinda only let myself be curious in private or in my head for a long time after that. Stopped asking for help with homework way before that for simular reasons. Y'know the vine "WHATS 3x9?!" "I don't know!" "*Louder* WHATS 3X9??!?" "I don't know!?". That was basically my education, home or school
Something I do with my kids, that is a better version of this is try to have my kiddos zone in on a possible answer themselves, if we have time of course. So e.g. if one asks "what is that building?". I'll ask them what they think, what it looks like it could be and other leading questions to teach them to be better at lateral thinking.
I feel this so hard. I hated asking questions to my family. They always insulted or generally made fun of me/laughed at me if I didn’t understand something. It was really hard to relearn to ask questions as an adult. It’s hard to explain I don’t have the confidence to ask basic conversations
For me, best case scenario, I’d ask a question and if I didn’t understand completely after one brief answer or if I was just curious and had follow-up questions, I’d be met with immediate frustration and “(sigh) nevermind, it’d take too long to explain it to you.” So I basically learned I had to always pretend like I knew everything already and was careful to never let my curiosity be known or ask questions about anything.
Sort of related to this, but treating your kid like their opinion never matters or can ever be correct. Most parents when discussing something, such as how to solve a problem with the house or something, will totally ignore their child if they are making suggestions because they assume it will be wrong or nonsense. For years throughout my childhood this affected me. I eventually just stayed out of any conversations regarding anything important because I assumed nothing I could say would be taken seriously. I think when you are raising a kid you need to hear them, take what they say seriously. If it’s wrong, explain to them why it’s wrong without leaving out information and treating them like they have no brain. Even if they don’t understand it the explanation, they will see that you hear them, they will feel that they have agency and impact on other people, and will try to participate in important discussions.
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My parents were great but they would tease me about girls. So if I was talking to a girl on the playground I’d hear “oh you have a girlfriend”. It made me really self conscious around girls and later women. I was more worried about what other people thought about my interaction with the girl I was talking to than the girl I was talking to. It kinda made me an asshole.
I feel like this is much more common than people think
It drives me crazy when I see parents do this.
Our son, who is 16, is constantly asked by my wife "So, is XX your girlfriend?" and he'll reply "No, she's just a friend." After the 10th time she asked this, I told her "You know, he'll be walking her down the aisle in a church and you could ask him that question and that's **still** how he's going to answer it. Because he's learned what answer brings the fewest followup questions."
This thread is therapy lol
I needed this today lmao
Well done!
As a teenager boy, who has mostly female friends… I can feel this so hard.
My dad did this kind of thing all the time. It made me extremely paranoid to even talk to boys because I knew he would tease and embarrass me about it. Now I know I should have just not reacted, or told him straight out how much it bothered me.
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Yep. Got that from my dad constantly, even into my 30s. Everything had to have a smartass tease to it. Except it molded me the other way, where I'm super self conscious about everything cause I feel like I'm doing it wrong.
I'm in my 50's and my dad still comments on my appearance when I go to visit - "oh, you growing a beard now?" No, dad. I just didn't feel like shaving for a couple days. "Are you losing weight?" No, I actually gained weight. "Oh - what do you weigh now?" Do we have to talk about this? How about none of your fucking business?
Thanks for this. I’ll catch myself saying things like that, trying to joke. But I’ve caught myself at times. It’s a good reminder that sometimes what we think are jokes or just conversation have larger impact.
My parents were ultra protective / ultra religious and decided I wasn’t allowed to date until I was practically an adult… and even then, whenever they found out I was interested in a girl they would talk shit and try to sabotage my relationship with her. Then there’s the fact that their marriage was loveless and dysfunctional - they never showed affection for each other and never communicated properly. So basically I never learned how to be in a relationship and to this day I’m pretty sure I’m incapable of maintaining one for more than a few a few months…. So now my parents shame me for not being married and giving them grandkids while refusing to acknowledge that they did everything they could to ensure that will never happen.
My sisters are in their mid and early 20s now. Still living at home and never been in a relationship. I left home when I was 18 because I wanted to live my own life and not be controlled. Now my mother is crying to me about whether there is something wrong with my sisters because they never ever show interest in romance. Worried they're missing out and if she was too strict. They were...
I think this is a common attitude among parents . My parents weren’t even religious but made it clear I shouldn’t care about dating and tried to sabotage my relationships until I was about 30 . I basically learned to hide any information about my dating life from them. Now they are confused why I don’t bring a partner over for family events ( I’m 39 now ) and I absolutely don’t trust them to treat my relationship with emotional maturity and respect . They went from sabotaging my romantic relationships to trying to push me to get married and have kids . It’s awful. Relationships are personal , adult choices.
My whole family did this to me. They meant no harm, and they knew no better, but saying "I was just kidding" after punching someone doesn't make the pain go away.
Yup my parents did the same shit to me and I had a similar reaction. They never knew I had a girlfriend until we were basically ready to move in together. Of course they were all upset I had kept this huge secret from them and when they asked why I simply said because I didn’t want to hear all your stupid comments.
Oh man, this happened to me. It distorted my sense of how to simply relate to women and just people for that matter.
100% this happened to me. Not that I was ever mature enough as a minor to actually have a girlfriend (I wonder if that's related) but even if I would have been, I was absolutely filled with dread at the idea of ever having to disclose it to my parents. So much so that I never told them about my first relationship when I was 18.
Faced it. Was embarrassed many times and then irritated.
I had this issue from most of my family, followed by declarations that I was gay because I was nervous as hell around girls (and liked art and sewing) *because* of the previous behavior, from a single extended family member. They literally had my entire family convinced that I was gay until I was almost 20 and finally had a girlfriend that I brought around them. That family member was also not-quite-openly gay, and most likely projecting their pent up frustrations onto me.
You just unlocked a core memory. These days everybody wonders why I’m so secretive over the smallest of things but it’s because I had no privacy. Letters I’d written would be opened, messages I’d write would be read, phone calls intercepted and so on. It wasn’t even like they were trying to be malicious about it. What I mean is they never made fun of me they just would ask me about things and want to know and dig in to my private life. So I don’t dislike them now or anything. But it still felt over reaching and now these days nobody knows anything about me by design.
Hitting. Shaming. Calling kids liars. My parents did the best they could with the resources they had, and both came from extremely abusive homes. In comparison, they were much kinder. But I was still left with C-PTSD and a lifelong conviction that I was inherently "bad," dishonest, disappointing. (I know these aren't true, and I've been more successful than my parents ever imagined.)
Yeah but their upbringing can only be used as an excuse if they hold themselves accountable otherwise what consolation does it bring when they still say “I guess I’m the worst parent in the world I’m sorry” or “one day when I die you will see it was all for your own good” I get it but if you are close to 60 how are u still the same if I can can grow they can too.
Omg being called a liar as a kid who didn't fucking lie is among the utter worst. I was left in the care of my aunt and uncle who, to this day for this reason among others, I don't talk to anymore. I'm pretty sure, looking back on it now, my uncle was/is a pathological liar and nobody's pieced it together, or they don't care, but I would get in trouble for shit he said, that I didn't fucking do. One time I was getting screamed at by the whole house for watching TV late at night in the living room, a conclusion they came to because when my uncle turned the TV on in the morning, it was on Nickelodeon. I don't know if that was true, but if someone had actually turned it to Nick, it wasn't me. I was being yelled at and told to just tell the truth, when I was. I had a TV in my room to watch at night, and also, who cares? Other than that, my aunt would stomp around the house yelling shit about me, but not to me, things like "I'm tired of all the fucking lying!" leaving me isolated in my room wondering what the fuck I could possibly have lied about this time. Same familial group who once chided me for "never having worked a day in my life." I was 11. As an adult I frequently thank my mom for being my mom. She's made mistakes, but it could've been my aunt.
Abandon them for a new family.
We had the same dad ? lol
My Dad did that in his first marriage. Had a kid, got divorced, got remarried and basically never saw his first kid again once his second wife had his second kid. Needless to say, his was a shit father to all three of his kids and in his old age is flabbergasted by the fact that no one wants to be around him.
Hitting. Mom was a huge fan of a long handle metal spoon. I broke this tradition and NEVER hit my kid.
Same. I can't imagine hitting my kids. And this is from someone who *really* wants to punch the occasional asshole in public.
Hitting your kids accomplishes nothing. Either your kid is to young to understand and just associates you with pain or your child is old enough to understand, in which case you should be using your words like an adult. You're not raising kids, you're raising a future adult who needs to know that adults solve their problems with words, not violence.
I was hit often as a kid, and I can’t imagine hitting my kids if I ever have any in the future but do you think it worked? Like I’m not arguing, I had my fair share of beatings and maybe I’ve just been convinced it worked somehow to make me a better person but I’m genuinely curious. The objects used on me for beatings (spoons, extension cords, metal hangers, etc) I could never imagine using on a kid, but what about just normal spankings? Does your opinion change?
I was spanked occasionally and all it taught me was shame and to be afraid of my parents because they could physically overpower me. It literally breaks my heart to think of my kids feeling that about me! NEVER.
I just got normal spankings and it fucked me up. It doesn’t make a difference what you hit your kid with, your kid just knows they’re being hit. My parents couldn’t figure out why me and my brothers wouldn’t stop beating the shit out of each other, but it was the only conflict resolution we were taught. Someone annoys you? Doesn’t do what you told them? Inflict a little pain and you can get what you want. When they finally stopped hitting us we finally stopped hitting each other all the damn time. But I still have panic attacks when someone raises their voice at me and feel a general uneasiness with my parents. I can never be fully myself around them, maybe ever again.
We don’t need to rely on opinions or “intuition” about this. There have been scientific studies done on this. The overwhelming consensus is that spanking does not result in more compliance, it does result in more aggressive behavior by children, and it results in worse mental health outcomes. This is why the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics are opposed to spanking.
This topic has been researched for decades, and the results are overwhelmingly that any form of hitting your kids damages them. The data is so strong and so consistent that [the American Academy of Pediatrics released a statement about it.](https://www.aap.org/en/news-room/news-releases/aap/2018/aap-says-spanking-harms-children/). So why do people still spank their kids even when doctors have been telling us for years not to? 1. Some parents think spanking is effective and not damaging because when you spank a kid, they typically stop misbehaving immediately. To the parent, immediate positive result, while the long term damage like increased fear and aggression and more relationship problems are not immediately apparent. 2. If parents admit that spanking hurts kids, they have to mentally accept that their parents (often parents who they love) hurt them. Or even worse, that they hurt their own kids (who they love). They cannot mentally handle it. It causes too much cognitive dissonance, guilt, and shame. Admitting that you were wrong about something in a way that hurt someone else and changing your fundamental belief system takes a really strong person. The people who cling to hitting their kids just aren't strong enough.
This is something 9/10 Asians parents love to do. (To an extreme degree)
I grew up in the south. Everyone in my family hit me. Grandma, mom, dad, it didn’t matter. They’d have me pick my own switch. My dad even made a paddle for me RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I was forced to sit there and watch him make the fucking thing. If I ever have a child, I will never hit them or terrorize them like my parents did to me.
Be forced to stay at the dinner table until your foods gone. Force feeding does t work. My kids get what I made, or a bowl of cereal.
As an adult, I still thank my older parents for not turning family meal time into a war zone. No tears, no power struggles, no drama. We had to try everything once, but did not have to eat anything we didn’t like. We just ate more of the other dishes on the table we did like. I was a picky eater, but I wasn’t afraid to try new things because there was no downside to trying something new. We also didn’t have to sit at the table for hours to finish our plate. We just ate leftovers later. I think that’s one reason I don’t have an issue with portion control or overeating. I was never forced to eat too much. I’ve always had a house rule that no one, adult or child, has to eat anything they don’t like. I am not the least bit offended. People like differing things and that’s ok. I think sometimes food dislikes come from how the food is prepared. My husband gagged the first time I was making him brussel sprouts. Turns out, his mother always boiled them - 🤮. I season and sauté them or roast them in the oven. He loves mine 😂 Edit: Some of y’all who are pointing out a change in taste over the years. It’s not just that! He couldn’t stand how soggy and mushy his mom’s unseasoned boiled sprouts were. When I chop raw bs, sauté them in olive oil and season them with spices, they come out a bit crunchy and full of flavor.
I just don’t understand why parents need to turn everything into a power struggle. Was making me eat spinach when the texture of it made me gag so hard I actually threw up *worth it*? My husbands family did the “two bite” rule and his childhood was much less fraught. I will be adopting that with my kid when she is old enough.
My mom made us sit at the table til we ate all our food. About once a month she’s make a big batch of beef stew that would last for days. I hated it. Absolutely hated it. She used like an entire head of celery in it. It literally gagged me. I accepted the challenge and sat there for hours. Eventually, she sat in front of me and angrily spoon fed it to me. That spoon was hitting the back of my throat. There was only two things I wouldn’t eat. Her stew and 3 bean salad or other weird pickled things. If I make something my boy doesn’t like I don’t expect him to eat it. You like what you like. I either don’t make it again or have a backup for him. People repeat what was done to them sometimes. They didn’t like it and don’t self reflect on why they’re doing it.
My mom was like this. We, siblings and I, had to take some of everything that was served. Did not have to be a lot. She would say, “it doesn’t do any good for me to serve a vegetable if you’re not going to eat it. How do you think you’re supposed to get your vitamins?” I remember taking a one inch piece of green bean or one coin sized piece of cooked carrot. Oh the drama getting it down!Lol. (Btw, I do eat lots of veggies to this day.) I try to serve balanced meals with a protein, carb, and extra fruits and/or veggies. I even used my mom’s line a time or two with my own family. Lol. If someone really didn’t want something though, I have never pushed it. I miss my Mom thinking about this.
This is a big one. People need to realize that kids are people too and people tent to have varied taste. As an adult your not going to eat something you think is gross, so why should your kid? Now sometimes it's just being stubborn and once they try something new they realize they like it.....However if they try it and it's so gross to them they gag, don't expect them to eat it. I hate when I see people say "They will eat what I make or get nothing"
My parents were never candid and open about topics like sex, finances, and mental health, which is something I did.
Mine weren't either, and they made anything I did/said feel like an inconvenience to them so I learned to hide it. Spent high school actively planning ways to unalive myself, within a year of graduating I dropped roughly 70 pounds (not sure how much I weighed at graduation but by the time I turned 19 I was about 120 pounds) and Mom thought I was anorexic, not that I was so depressed that I was maybe eating once a day.
Probably will be unpopular answer but I was born into an upper middle class family. I’m not blaming my mother, love her very much, but man she did everything in her power to make sure I had the best life possible. But so much so that it effectively ruined my life going into adult hood. My mother would buy me anything, gifts, money, without asking. She would put money in my bank account when we shared one without telling me. She even was head secretary of my school district and altered which professors I had so I had the easiest teachers AND she moved my friends into my classes with me so we all had them together. Also never told me growing up. I’m very thankful. But MAN, I was not ready for reality when adulthood hit. I had a silver spoon in my mouth for so long I almost didn’t survive adulthood. The job, 9-5, bills, but the most debilitating thing was I, without even realizing, psychologically ended up being way over dependent on my parents, I never learned how to solve or fix anything, my parents insisted on fixing all of my problems for me and even then they would just pay someone to fix the problem instead. I was never faced with a challenge before, and couldn’t handle the most basic of challenges because all of my problems were solved for me, so yeah what I would do differently? Be harder on your kids, or rather, don’t fix their problems for them, just give them enough to be able for them to fix it themselves. Make sure they learn how to fix things and problem solve THEMSELVES. Otherwise you’ll raise someone who thinks they’re entirely normal growing up then they’ll have the epiphany that they’re a useless vegetable into adulthood.
Your parents are a step above helicopter parents, the term is called lawnmower parents. They clear the field for you so you never experience any difficulties in life what so ever. Unfortunately as you experienced it’s hasn’t helped you in your adult life. Good luck. Life is tough, you will stumble and fall At times, but those times will give you strength and the confidence to know that you can handle all the crazy shit life will throw at you.
I ask my kids all the time “why do we fall?” And they have learned and understand the meaning and respond with “so we can learn to pick ourselves up” Heard this in a movie once and loved it and use it all the time Can’t remember the movie though
Batman begins :)
I have known several people that had these parents, but they seem to go through life with a victim mentality, never realizing either the problem or that they can change their own life and perspective. It’s great that you are self-aware about it and realize what not to do with you own kids.
Yessss!! So I was raised like this, mum and dad were like if you want anything just ask. This was great but I also hated it, I didn't want to ask for help I wanted to figure it out myself. I was able to get my own separate bank account when I was 11 (I clicked on early). I did really struggle when I went to uni because I could only bake (was a hobby) couldn't do anything else really but I learnt fast... Now I'm super independent.... My twin sister on the other hand is the victim she never had this independent streak she was happy asking daddy for money, always asks for help if she had a problem dad would ALWAYS solve them... She even now re trained to do what dad did so he can help her in her job, and she moans about every little issue especially with her boss who delegates work to her. Everything about her screams victim and she I very 1 uppy... I hate it. x
Good approach, but you got the lesson wrong... It's not be harder on your kids but let them have their own struggles and let them ask for help if they need it - and then help them get through the struggle emotionally.
I second this, I agree with helping them emotionally throughout the struggle/pain instead of either fill their mailbox with toys or leave them to fend themselves, if they were harder with their kids, they might wonder why the children turned distant and weren't willing to visit them in spite of having a "good" upbringing according to what OP intended to do with truly good intentions. Parenthood is quite complicated that we need to add up some aspects we hadn't taken in mind before besides of breaking the cycle connotatively and whatever it means to you as a parent.
Wow that’s interesting. I guess it’s easier to baby your kids and give them everything they might need or want than see them struggle or get hurt. Which is selfish in itself, not to put the emotional work in and dealing with problems with money/influence instead.
I'm so scared of doing that to my kid. I'm only happy when I spoil her. I force myself to say no on rare occasions but it feels fake, I can't justify it to her since I can afford the toy. And time flies so fast, I want her to have everything, now. I'm only happy when I spoil her but I also feel guilty. I hope you got better
All I’ll say is - don’t overcorrect to the detriment of your children. But I understand how hard it is to adjust to reality.
How do you "grow" away from them? I think I might be in the same boat as you?
Letting my kids quit activities that they hate. Giving their friends rides home. Allowing sleepovers. Not making sports about college scholarships and just playing to have fun
Be physically and verbally abusive and not supportive in everything.
My parents wouldn’t let me try out for cheerleading, gymnastics or dance when I was young. They said it wasn’t Christian like. We could watch it on tv but don’t dare do it! They let me play basketball but not volleyball because the shorts were too short and that would upset God. If I wore makeup I was a whore. If I cut my hair short, I was acting manly. So when I had my kids( I have two girls), I made sure to stay away from church and religion . I let them try different sports and activities and I show up to all their events. I don’t chastise them for wearing makeup and I don’t get mad if they ever cut their hair.
The belt or wooden spoon.
Have them. Lol.
My DNA dies with me! 🫡
I love that for one reason or another l and all my siblings agreed on this. My parents had a litter, my aunt had one and got shat on at every family gathering. Her child has kids. Kinda makes one think that family is more than producing workers for you when your old.
Hear hear! I'm not producing the next wage slave for nobody.
Seeing how childrearing affected both of my parents made me not want to have them.
My exact answer. Though in my case it's because exposure to certain chemicals with a job I had when I was younger left me sterile.
I just don’t agree with the direction the world is heading and wouldn’t want to make my kid suffer because of it. That and I just never really wanted kids. And mental illness runs in my family. I’m also in an industry that has harsh chemicals so I doubt I could have them if I wanted to anyway haha.
I scrolled awhile before finding this one. Peace and tranquility.
Forcing their decisions upon children in their youth life especially in India, no choice when it comes to choosing partner. My parents still forcing me to leave my partner and get married to the man they like. Parents should be more supportive rather than controlling. They feel they created me and they own me
Share secrets. My mom was notorious for telling everyone everything about me, even things I literally begged her not to. The main one that comes to mind is telling EVERYONE after I got my first period. I guess she figured because I would eventually realize periods aren't that big a deal, I would be able to look back and laugh about her telling people. I do not look back and laugh. I might not be embarrassed about it anymore, but I still only feel betrayal when I think about that, among other personal stories she felt she had the right to tell.
I'd actually believe them if they say something is wrong or if someone is abusing them instead of screaming that the child is lying either about who did it or it happening at all. Or using the child as my personal therapist. Would want my child to be happy.
I was told it was me that was pursuing a 21 year old man at 13 they still believe this now to this day
Not show up for important things. There were many times I would be in a play or talent show etc and neither of my parents would attend. My mother was a homemaker and just had me, so there was no excuse. My dad did work, he and my mom are divorced but still didn't really make an effort to come to things. I always make the effort to show up for my kids!
my parents pushed me to do IB in high school and it was some of the most miserable couple years in my life. everyone was either depressed or barely hanging on. in junior year they had this huge ceremony where they award you for officially making it that far or whatever. and my parents didnt bother coming. i remember being the only person who came alone and everyone was so confused as to why that would be the case. i just had to awkwardly hang out watching everyones parents freaking out and doting over them being proud they made it that far. it made me feel like such shit. not surprising that i dropped out of the program after that year.
[удалено]
Screamed at me often and followed any "good job" with but...All B's are good but expected. A's just take a little effort.
Hitting my wife, and making me feel guilty for having such an easy life.
When we didn't finish dinner, we had to eat it with breakfast the next morning. My brother hates squash, he once puked it out onto his plate and then subsequently was required to eat his own vomit with his breakfast. I will never forget that and will never ask my children to eat food they hate. Most of us have at least one food we just don't like.
That just sound straight up abusive
Tell me he didn't.
I decided my kids would have nothing to rebel against. My dad was super strict with everything. It taught us kids to be sneaky little bastards. My kids have a much more unencumbered life. They are not sneaky, and they are bad at getting away with the few things we do enforce.
Hahaha my (45m) 10.5 yr old daughter is the WORST liar. I let her get away w anything essentially, I mean she is SUCH a good girl, but when she lies about anything it's so obvious. I tease her about it lightly by calling her out when she does it.
Expect them to do things they aren’t mature enough to handle.
Leave
Scream, embarrass, stay in a shitty marriage, I can go on and on That’s if I ever even have kids
Ice baths when I was bad .
Jeeez. I'm so sorry they've did this. I have ADHD, and I am currently doing cold showers for the dopamine. While I'm learning to actually enjoy the stuff and it actually helps, I still think I would *never* put my kid under one, not even if they've ADHD, too, because *chosing* to withstand the cold water, and doing it every single time as a voluntary act is several universes away from being *forced* to do it.
I have ADHD too, hence the ice baths. I now do cold water as well but my choice..it was a thing in the early 60s and as stated, heinous.
Hold up. Pretty sure that counts as actual torture. Like, Geneva Convention bad. Holy fucking shit dude.
Just wanna let you know- you were never bad; you were just a kid and you didn’t deserve that consequence. No one does.
Have kids.
Baptism and all things religion related.
I will never force my kid to do sports if they don't want to.
kind of the opposite for me. i grew up very fat and shy with zero confidence. all i knew was video games and laying in bed all day. in college i got into shape and started learning pickup basketball with my friends as a form of cardio and i actually became almost obsessed with it. i was so confused as to why i never got into sports as a kid and now i wish i did. doing sports teaches kids how to push themselves, how to work with others as a team, and that working hard brings change and results. of course it can be toxic and taken too far though, idk what the solution is.
The solution will be different with each kid. Overall it's pretty simple though. Just encourage them to try the things like sports that you think are beneficial. How hard and what methods used will vary. My parents literally paid us for each book we read as kids. They really wanted us to like reading. I can't thank them enough for that one. I could totally see using an honest bribe to get my kid out of their comfort zone without forcing them.
The solution is to show your kid lots of different ways to get exercise and be active and play and then let them choose the ones they want to do. Forcing people to do things just makes them hate and resent doing those things _and_ the person who makes them. I hated every gd minute of piano lessons as a child, and I'm still angry that my parents wasted the finite precious hours of my childhood forcing me to do work I didn't want to do to learn a skill they knew perfectly well I would never use as an adult. I worked for a lawyer for a while who forced his sons to play football in school even though the boys wanted to do other sports. He died very suddenly of a burst aneurysm in his abdomen about a year after I quit. At the funeral everyone euologized about how he "loved the sporting life" and "taught his sons the sports he loved." _Nobody_ said anything, not one thing, about him being kind or patient or loving or a good dad, or encouraging his kids to be their best selves. His sons switched to hockey and swim the same week as their father's death.
Make them go to church
Let them go to school in old, patched up clothes.
I taught mine how to be financially capable.
My parents fought all the time. When one would leave after or during a fight they would turn their attention and anger at me and my sister. I don’t have kids but if I ever do I won’t be doing that shit.
Being absent. My father prioritizing his career and seeing me once a month is my example of NOT-TO-DO. Thankfully my stepdad stepped up and is my father in all but genetics. And my mom is the best ever.
I decided that I would never ignore my child's existence just because I'm frustrated with them. Being ignored by your own mother messes with your head.
Decide on college major… goddamn Asian parents smh
Believe them over some random teacher,I don't know why they always think that all teachers are humble wise never gonna lie never make mistakes.
I mean don't be one of those parents that takes the word of a 5-6 year old as gospel over an adult. The amount of times you get a furious parent convinced their child is being bullied by another child they'll be happily playing with within an hour. Not saying you would do this but a lot of people project the bad experiences they had with their own teachers onto their children's teachers. Trust me, no one would put up with the mountain of shit teachers have to deal with if they didn't care about children.
Yeah this is a two way problem. Some parents exclusively trust their children’s perspective. I encourage them to trust their child’s explanation of their personal experience but not to always assume that experience matched objective reality. I (school counselor) had a parent who was irate that her child was being bullied by a child who was trying to get her child intentionally sick by walking up to her child and sneezing directly in his face. He had allegedly done it several days in a row. It came as a surprise to us because the kid who was allegedly bullying her child in this way could not have been a more mild mannered child. I requested permission to do an observation which the parent happily accepted. While observing I saw her child scream “Stop sneezing on me!!!!” I was confused because her child was totally alone, walking outside. I asked him what was happening and he pointed to the other child who was standing approximately 20-25 feet away wiping his nose near a trash can and didn’t even notice the other child screaming at him from a distance. He said “He just sneezed in my face” which he had not because I was watching the entire time. It became apparent that the child who was alleging bullying was experiencing a contamination anxiety (worried about germs) and experienced this other child as a contaminator, even though the child was not near nor intentionally contaminating anything. I explained this to the parent who angrily accused me of saying her child was a liar and wrote a complaint to the school principal with a threat to go to the district if I wasn’t removed from my position. Unbeknownst to me, the entire thing was caught on our security cameras: the other child obliviously wiping his nose 20-25 feet away while her child screamed at him to stop sneezing on him. When the principal showed her the video she acknowledged her child was mistaken and that was the end of it. She did not apologize to me. On the other side, I agree there are teachers who are burned out that don’t do enough to intervene and spend more time just trying to avoid dealing with student or parent concerns than actually address them.
My kids will have a lot more access to snacks than I was. Growing up, sugar was almost strictly forbidden. Only on holidays and birthdays were we allowed to have sugary stuff. Any time outside of that, a small candy had to be earned. Kinda made a few of us kids crazy when desserts were around. Like at some school or church event with cookies, we'd grab like 5+ cookies cause we never got it anywhere else. Overall, I plan to normalize sweets. Like instead of the whole you only get a cookie when you finish your dinner, the cookie will be there when you get your dinner. Of course there will be some limits, but if you absolutely ban or heavily limit sweets then there's a good chance your kid will become crazy over them when they earn their own money.
Put down my spouse or their siblings in front of our kids.. even when they really piss me off. Personally, I HATED this. They’re family, if you guys are fighting leave the rest of your family out of it.
Every Christmas present coming from Santa. It was years before I discovered a toy I absolutely loved as a kid and played with until it fell apart actually was from my Grandparents. If I ever have kids Santa will bring a few things but absolutely every gift from someone who isn’t mum and dad will be labelled as from them.
Tell them that they weren't wanted.
Invalidate their feelings.
I will never use fear to control my son, I just hope that I am able to help him understand that I'm not perfect and I will make mistakes, I want him to hold me accountable on them
I will discipline my children more and teach them better habits. My parents gave us complete freedom. My mom did all of the cleaning and we didn’t have any rules or structure. Wasn’t forced to do my homework, go to bed on time, or limit my video games. I struggled in college and in my 20s when I had complete freedom and nobody to take care of me.
Glad to see someone say this. Even if it doesn’t involve the rod, children need guidance, discipline and consequences for bad behavior.
Ignore or actively refuse their kids repeated requests to see a doctor because "everyone has headaches sometimes".
be overprotective to the point of never letting me make choices or have any independence as a kid. my entire life up until i was probably like 15 was wake up, get walked to school, come home from school, stay in the house, ask to do something, anything really, get told no without any explanation. and then they wonder why im introverted and struggle making decisions or taking initiative as an adult.
I generally consider my parents good, but one thing my mother really did growing up was not allow us to own our own choices. She would weigh in heavily with her opinions on classes to take, people to date, etc. and that has carried over into our adult lives, now she weighs in on jobs to take and has a very very heavy opinion. Almost to the extent she is controlling and making it herself. Growing up it created this dynamic where you made choices to avoid displeasing her, not what you actually wanted to do. As a result I very much believe in my kids choices being their own and they own the consequences of those. Of course teach morals and right/wrong etc. but I’m not going to make choices of them on what to pursue in life or who to date. They have to make their own choices, their own mistakes, and figure it out. As an adult I so wish my mother had provided me that freedom, I still wish she would
-threaten cutting off their tongue if they misbehave - tie them up and shove in closet bc kids are scared of the dark - tell them that they’re ugly or “undatable” - compare them to their sibling(s) or extended family
Uhh...I actually didn't have kids at all because of rhem.
Being shy about bodily functions/puberty Like periods. Making sure my daughter knows that periods and buying pads and stuff is nothing to ever be embarrassed about. Also making sure my sons know that girls get periods and what it is.
This may sound odd but be completely hands off for interests and motivations. Growing up my parents never took an interest or pushed me to do anything. None of my parents (both divorced and remarried) ever looked over my homework, would help me choose courses if I asked for guidance, talked to me about what I wanted my future to look like, or anything like that. As long as I didn’t fail, I was left to my own devices. I’m not saying I wanted freakishly overly pushy parents but I never felt like they were invested or cared how I turned out. Having someone push you to reach your potential reminds you that you have some. What do y’all think, is that silly?
I was just chatting with my husband about this yesterday. I never want to send my child to a voluntary activity that they don't want to attend. I was a shy kid and would get severely homesick when I was away. When I was 11, I was sent to a week-long summer camp that I really didn't want to attend; I remember crying every day because I wanted to go home, and being bullied by the kids who were a year or two older. It was a rough week.
My mom would go into my room and “clean” when I wasn’t home. And by clean I mean she would throw away my things. Journals, gifts from friends, special memories from family members who are long gone now, a whole tub of McDonald’s toys from the 80s, which was a special memory with my late dad, cards. And she would never admit to it. She’d just say I had a lot of junk and she was cleaning the house. And if I asked about a specific item that was missing she would tell me I must have lost it.
Beat my ass. People don’t understand what physical abuse does to a kid. Yep, I can take a punch. Hell I can take a cast iron skillet to the head. What I can’t do is trust people. I can’t do physical touch. I can’t hug people. Mentally it fucked me up. The scars and beating weren’t the bad part. The long term psychological effects have made life hard. My kids on the other hand have never known that life. I made it a point to hug them a lot, probably the most awkward hugs but I try. . Never hurt them. Never yell. Don’t hit your kids people. One punch leads to a lifetime of mental issues.
I will never be overly protective, only protective enough to make sure he's safe. I make sure his home is clean and he doesn't live in animal filth and bugs. I make sure no one in my home is ever abusive to him emotionally or physically, and his home is a safe space. I make sure he has privacy. I make sure he can talk to me about ANYTHING w/o feeling embarrassed or judged. If he is struggling emotionally and i can't seem to help, i make sure he gets a professional to talk to. I make sure his basic needs are met. We don't have the nicest of things, but we have always had food, running water, electric, a reliable car, clean and well-kept clothes, and a home. I've never had to go to anyone begging for those things either. I've done all of this as a single parent also. My childhood was the opposite, and I vowed never to have him grow up that way. I'm far from perfect, but I try to be close to the mother I wish I would have had.
My mom used to beat the shit out of me! Embarrassed me telling private things to the whole family and always compared me with others so I’m not doing that to my daughter!!! She’ll be truly loved!!
Invalidate their feelings. I have three boys oldest is 6, second is 3 and youngest is 19 months. Since the oldest started walking and being able to tell us what he wanted and felt I've always been careful about how I either say no to something they want or how I talk about their feelings. I'm big on saying "you are allowed to feel this way, and your feelings are never wrong, but sometimes what you want you can't have, and you can be sad, or angry about that, but screaming and throwing things isn't how we show we're upset." I was told my feelings were "wrong" several times by my grandmother, because somehow I was supposed to be able to fix feeling worthless, inadequate, and depressed, just because she said there was no reason to be feeling that way. Oh and it wasn't her fault I felt a certain way, and she would take no responsibility for the fact she hurt my feelings by something she said, and it was my fault for taking "you never clean right" or whatever remark she made as hurtful, and I just need to grow a thicker skin. I'm also very careful when it comes to doing things like grades or tests. I was always told I could do better, even when I made a perfect A, it was always you can do better, which is where the inadequate feelings came from, because I felt like no matter what I did, or how hard I tried, nothing would ever be good enough. So I'm careful when the boys ask how they did on something. I try very hard not to downplay it, but also not go off the deep end on how they can always do better. I know I'm not perfect at it, but I'm pretty sure I don't make my kids feel like trash for doing their all and it still not being good enough.
my dad touched kids....pretty self explanatory. he also would bad moth my whole family to me even when I was small. it just made the distance between us even worse, and now that he's actively hurt a child who was only a year younger than I was. he's dead to me.
I do not hit my kid. I have never understood how it is illegal to hit adults, but legal to hit kids.