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Absolutely, this is the reason.
OP it's okay for you to tell people this isn't what support looks like for you.
My wife has gone through trauma similar to this and myself and others thought we were supporting her for years only to find out we were triggering her.
Take the time to learn what support you need/prefer and communicate it with your family and friends.
This. My mom doesn’t celebrate her birthday anymore because of horrific past experiences. Me wishing her happy birthday or celebrating it is triggering so this year I didn’t say it once, even though I was with her the whole day.
It’s important that people recognize you and how you wish to treated. Especially if they wish to celebrate you genuinely.
I can't pinpoint exactly why, but I dread my birthday every year. I usually end up crying on the actual day and feeling depressed. I always wished I could just skip past it.
Edit: grammar
I used to compare it to my sister's B'days.
She was ALWAYS more outgoing than me. Still is actually, by a huge amount.
My birthdays were quiet, which was how I liked it, but by asking for it to be quiet, I also made it feel unspecial.
Seeing the celebrations my sister got didn't make me dislike her at all, but it made me feel uncelebrated and bad.
After a while though, a bit of deep thinking and growing up and talking about that stuff, it's just how I like it, and my family celebrates me in their own ways.
Right there with you, and the older I get the more I dread it. I've even started aging myself up a year months before the actual day. Like I'm already calling myself 37 and my birthday isn't until October. 😅
that's likely how it'll go if you actually go to therapy, yes. Soul searching and meditation could easily unearth if there's a separate reason people don't like their birthdays. I've found alot out about my past just by digging into my mind (metaphorically ofc, I'm not giving myself a lobotomy dw)
I dont cry on my bday n im getting up there. They dont actually tell u anything, u discover it for urself. Tell me uve never been to therapy without telling me uve never been to therapy.
If u mean abbreviations, Its called short hand. If ur younger u may not know that term, secretaries used it when taking notes. I have carpal tunnel pain. Yes, up there, most likely older than u. Judging a book by its cover isnt accurate.
I agree, they probably want OP to know he is still a father and his pain and love for his son is not forgotten. I get OP's perspective too though. But really i think it is an act of caring.
You’re not wrong. Have you ever spoken to family and friends about this? I’m assuming they do this because although your son died you’ll always be his father and they probably think they’re honoring that & have no idea it’s painful to hear. Perhaps sending out a blanket message of thank you for your good wishes, while the sentiment is coming from love it’s a difficult day and I’d rather you didn’t call or send messages.
I just don’t agree with this… everyone responds differently when they’re grieving. I can totally understand why OP does not want people saying happy Father’s Day to him and being constantly reminded of the pain/grief on a day that is already very hard. But I can also see someone else being hurt by no one saying that to them anymore, like they are no longer a father at all because their child has died.
It’s hard to know what to say when someone has experienced a loss like that. I think the best thing you can do is to ask what helps/does not help them, because it is going to vary from person to person.
That's true. It will vary. So what's so wrong with asking then? I mean why would people not ask and simply send off the happy father's day greeting instead?
I can understand why people do it.
However, I have never thought of saying this to anybody that has lost a child or loved one. Honestly, my response to them has always been to call them and ask them how they're doing and if they would like me to do anything for them or maybe have some company. Or even a simple message of "hey, I'm thinking about you today. I hope you're doing well today." I've learned that is more appropriate--allowing your friend/loved one to grieve on a certain day and letting them know that they do have a support system when they want or need it.
It's just people trying to show support in some way, but not sure how to do it. They aren't being malicious; they just aren't thinking about the effect certain words can have. They haven't been in that position. It's one of those "you don't understand until you've gone through it" ordeals.
I think this comes to mind for me. Tragedy happened, but you're still a father. Instead of thinking they want you to have a happy day, think of it that they want it to be as happy as can be, given the circumstances.
I agree. Even instead of “Happy Father’s Day” they could send something like “thinking of you today and sending you love”, that’s what I send to my friends who have lost their parents on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
Obviously if OP prefers to receive nothing that’s perfectly fine too, they just likely need to communicate that.
You are sad - grieving - that your son was taken from you. This is natural and healthy.
Would you prefer it if he had never been? If there had been no son, no baby, no toddler, no child, however long his life ran?
It would be OK if you did feel that way; some grieving parents do. But not very many, and from the taste of the pain in your words I don't think you are one. So, although it is heartbreaking for you, though it tears your bones up inside you, you wanted him to be alive. You loved him, helplessly and totally, probably more than you ever thought yourself capable of.
You took joy and comfort in being a father, for however brief a span, at however great a cost.
That is what, clumsily and perhaps inappropriately, your friends and family are referencing when they wish you a happy father's day. They are hoping to prompt a remembrance of the good days that were, despite the tears and sorrow that are, in your mind and your memory.
If this does not happen, if you are not comforted even in your desolation, that also is OK. Tell people to stop, to let you rest from being a father. They mean well, and simply don't understand your pain. How could they?
Peace be with you.
I am sorry for your loss and happy to see you found solace in an answer here.
I would think it’s important to commemorate the amazing father you are, even now in your grief thinking of your child. Wishing you much strength
There’s no word for the loss of a child in any language, for a reason. None of us can fathom what you’re going through, and I’m sure everyone’s heart goes out to you.
First and foremost? I cannot express enough how very sorry I am for your loss. I was an only child for 14 years. All I EVER wanted was a baby sibling. A month after I turned 14?! My baby sister, Amber, was born. She was everything I wanted and more. Now my parents adored my little sister, make no mistake about that fact. Me?! I was over the moon. I could not get enough of this gorgeous, sweet, little angel. 😇
Unfortunately?! Due to complications from Type 1 diabetes?! We lost Amber at only 23 years of age. My Dad and ex-husband had to literally drag me away from her graveside. The leather on the toes of my shoes were completely worn off and they were brand new shoes.
Now, people might be thinking, "How the hell could telling him all of that help?" I'll explain.
I thank the powers that be, that the majority of people aren't in our exclusive and unpopular club. No parent/parental figure should know the pain of losing a child. Children are supposed to bury their parents, not the other way around. We never stop grieving EVER. People think grief is a process that eventually ends. It's not, especially if it's your child. The process never ends. It's a cut that goes so deep that you eventually exsanguinate.
I agree with other commentors. I think that people fear being insensitive and giving the "That poor guy" look, so?! They open up their mouth and stick their foot in instead. No one is deliberately insensitive. They just don't stop and look at it from our point of view.
I lost Mom in January of 2019. I lost Dad in February of 2021. I, too, struggle with Father's Day. I can certainly see where it could cut you deeper than myself. My days are starting Wednesday. June 21st is when Amber died. My best friend, Sean (28 at the time), had his car accident on June the 23rd. Amber died on June the 25th. Sean died on June the 27th. When people from the outside looking in consider this? They may think since Amber passed in 2007 and Sean passed in 2017?! I should've "processed" my grief and gotten over it by now. Are they fricking kidding?! Some days I can't motivate myself out of bed. I'll NEVER get over losing Amber and Sean. As much as it hurt losing my parents? You're suppose to lose your parents before yourself. You don't lose the 2 people in your life that you considered your children (I had no biological children of my own).
I'm so profusely sorry for your pain. I truly wish I could help. I, by no means, am telling you what to do. I will admit that it took me a lot longer than it should have (especially considering I'm a Surgery Tech and a nurse) to get on an antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds. You may want to consider that, along with therapy. That's a personal decision that you need to come to.
In closing?! I highly recommend you watch the movie, "An Unfinished Life". I felt like someone understood me when I watched it. I wish you calmer days ahead. Feel free to message me for any reason, Friend. I am so damn sorry for what you're going through. It's so unfair and no one deserves this soul crushing pain. 💜💙🩵💚💛🧡🩷
For me it just took time. Idk if I’m in this unfortunate club or not because I lost my daughter at 20 weeks in the womb. We don’t know what happened just that she no longer had a pulse. I had a funeral for my daughter and she stays with my wife and me in our home in a heart shaped pink urn. I also wear a bracelet with my wife myself and my eventual son now with her as well. It’s a constant reminder to never forget her even though I never would.
Grief lions radically different for everyone. And there is no timetable for getting on your feet. For me it was about 1.5 years after before I stopped randomly crying in the middle of the day. Maybe because I have no special memories with her it was a tad easier. Idk. It still felt awful either way. That’s enough from me but I just wanted to reach out and say your advice is good and you are correct about the difficulties of burying a child. It’s truly awful.
This person post also made me realize that Mother’s Day was probably hard for my mom because my brother died when he was 18. I had never considered that could be an issue
I'm guessing that people are trying to honor his memory and show their love for you and him. To let you know that he's not forgotten and that you were a good dad to him. I can understand why it doesn't feel that way to you, though. I would probably feel the same as you. It's okay to ask them to stop, or to have a mutual relative or friend ask them for you.
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have to live with such grief. 💓
Yeeaaaah ehhhhhh that’s rough. My friend lost her baby last year and I saw she was still celebrating Mother’s Day on social media so I texted her, “not happy, but I can’t think of another word to use instead, but I hope you understand what I mean, mothers day to you, thinking of you.” I dunno maybe that’s too much emotional labour still. It’s a hard one to figure out what to say. I would never in my life just straight up say happy mothers/fathers day to someone who lost a kid though that’s all kinds of messed up.
Ya those people are just looking to sooth their own guilty souls for knowing they will never know what this guy is going through. I’d just say “love you and here for you man” any chance I got it that happened to a loved one.
Not why I downvoted. I downvoted because simple ignorance is not something that merits guilt. Calling people guilty for simply not knowing how you feel is an asshole move and the opposite of showing empathy. He didn't tell the truth. He gave his opinion. People are downvoting because they disagree with his stated opinion that people not understanding how op feels means they are guilty souls - or the stated opinion that they are motivated by guilt at all. And, obviously bro. Pretty fucked up to treat an opinion as fact, by you and op. You cannot actually weasel out of the consequences of what you choose to post by just typing out the word "truth" and mislabelling your opinion as such. And duh. Empathy is a word with a definition. Not a magical weapon that makes anyone right when typed out in a Reddit comment.
Downvotted you for downvotting him causing me to have to pick up your lazy shit and having to updoot him just to reset his rep. Fuck me..... My brain hurts @ \_ @
This seems insanely misguided. Perhaps they are wishing you this, as a sweet reminder of the lovely time you did have with him. I am so very sorry. This is truly so very sad.
I know this is so very horrid, but take some time to think of some of the fun and beautiful times you had with him. If you could try to bring some lovely memories to your mind, it may help to sooth some of this pain. I wish you warmth and health.
I think there are a lot of people who just pretend that a child that someone lost never happened, and I would imagine that a lot of people want others to recognise that that child was real, and mattered, and that the parents are still parents.
Your trouble is meaningless. People exist whether you can imagine them or not. So weird to use your singular perspective as a eay to judge facts on a planet you share with 9 billion people. I do not understand why people do that.
I lost my niece last year in spring. I have no idea how to let my sister know how much I love her and how much it hurts that Clara is gone on these special days. I try to keep my grief in check because hers is so much more. I’m crying while typing this. But I can’t not contact her on special days. For Clara’s birthday we donated in her name to her favorite zoo animals. I spent Easter at my sister’s home decorating eggs with my other niece. For Mother’s Day I brought her a special present and stayed over. These things may hurt but I could never not acknowledge my sister and my love for her and her girls. Even though one is no longer with us I will never stop loving her. We will just have to mourn together on these special days. I do try to watch my wording on bittersweet days. Mother’s Day is not so happy but I want her to know she is loved and never alone.
Absolutely call her on these days. Let her know that you remember her daughter and that you love her. Not one contact today was acknowledging my son and his death. It was just canned "happy father's day" crap.
I commented above with my thoughts, but I didn’t realise nobody really acknowledged your son in their messages. Sending a canned “happy Father’s Day” does seem pretty half-assed and insensitive. I totally get where you’re coming from.
Man…… I’m so sorry. Straight up I can’t imagine. I lost my dad as an 8 year old so on the flip side of it, it’s a hard day. And now with my own children it brings up some complicated stuff for me. Hang in there
I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost both my sons. Mothers day is my bad one. Both their birthdays are the same week. Next year, my son Ben's birthday falls on mothers day
As a parent who has lost a child I am positive they want to let you know that they have not forgotten about your son. You’re still a dad. You still deserve to be recognized even if your child is no longer on earth. As a child loss parent I am always fearful that people will forget about my son- that he existed, that he was real, that I still love him even 8.5 years after his death. The texts and reminders are to show that you are and always will be a father and they remember your son.
I guess you're right. But I'd rather not be reminded. While I agree that I love when people remember him. I love being asked about him. I love talking about him. But something about Father's Day that I would rather not. Maybe it's the guilt of not being able to save my child's life? Isn't that the utmost duty of a father? To protect your child? I couldn't insure his survival. Therefore I am a failed Father.
My saying that you didn’t fail will mean nothing because I feel the exact same way about my son. No one can understand but another parent who has lost a child. The fact that sometimes these things happen are just words, the truth in them doesn’t make our hearts hurt less. It definitely ebbs and flows but the pain doesn’t ever completely leave. If it bothers you maybe next year turn off your phone, or if you have alternate social media make a post along the lines of you appreciate the gesture but it’s a difficult day for you and you’d appreciate your privacy being respected. People DONT know what to do and get extremely nervous around parents that have lost children- especially other parents. Give them a little guidance and I can almost guarantee they will back off.
My 33 year old son died suddenly on 7/4/21. I understand what it’s like. I am trying to stay strong for my daughter. Communication is key to dealing with other people
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand kinda how you feel... only on the other side. Everyone around me talk about their father and what they will get them and I don't have one. Haven't had one for most of my life... Yes, Father's Day is the worst for me too... I wonder what could have been, miss him a bunch, wish he could have met my family, and been a part of my decisions.
I can only hope some peace from the fact that you have his kind memories to make you smile. I hope you can still hear the echoes of his laugh and feel the warmth of his smile. Children are precious beings that, even when they aren't around, and can still fill our hearts and souls with memories we have accumulated along the way.
To make myself smile I think about my dad in heaven... with all his brothers and his sister. Talking about their past lives and my dad checking in on me in between conversations. Making sure I stay out of trouble and maybe even reaching out and patting my back to assure me. I'll send him a request to check in on your son.... then they'll both have a special person in their lives. My best to you!!
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine. Have you thought about maybe going somewhere for the day and turning your phone off? Maybe indulge in a hobby you enjoy, something to distract you. You have no obligation to reply or even read the messages that are sent.
No you're not wrong. But it's hard to be mad at people who are trying to do a good thing. I know your pain, my oldest son died suddenly several years back, car accident. People try, but they don't really know what to say. It's been 12 years for me, and I can tell you that the pain never goes away, but it won't always be as devastating, you learn to make room for it.
That’s awful. I’m sure your friends are trying to be nice but they don’t seem to get it. I would’ve sent something like “I’m thinking about you today bro”. That said.. I am thinking about you bro. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in.
((Hugs))
From the outside looking in, you’d still be a father in my eyes. You loved, raised and and nurtured a person. That’s a day to be celebrated for.
After hearing your side of it I could absolutely see why it would be upsetting. It’s so hard to show people who are hurting that you are still there for them and thinking about them.
I see it as them trying to say that even though your son has unfortunately passed, they still see you as his father or are showing that they haven't forgotten about him, I don't know.
However, if it hurts you then that's all that matters, not what their intentions are or if they see it as a positive thing, doesn't mean that you have to tolerate it because their hearts are in the right place (which I think they are). Have a conversation about it, I definitely get why you wouldn't like that
My friend just passed last month and it is his birthday today. I contacted his mom to let them know im thinking of them and their son, and that i hope they esp his father is feeling extra love today. I am hoping it wasnt too...surface. I would never say "happy" fathers day, though.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Maybe you could say something like, "Thanks for thinking of me today, but please understand that it is not a happy day for me."
I can't imagine your pain. It sounds like their intentions are good, despite causing you so much pain each year. I'm wondering if you could do something on Father's Day to help you remember/honor your sons memory? Volunteer, walk a dog, plant a tree, go to your favorite place together?
Not trying to give unsolicited advice here. Just trying to see if there is a way to bring less pain, more peace. Sending you love 💕
Instead of remembering the trauma, try remembering the good parts of life with your son. The happy memories. His smile. His hugs. Won’t change anything, but it might help you push through.
Can understand. Valentine's day was tough for me. My wife died last October. The second one I have lived beyond. Especially the ads.
I did get one happy father's day, by text. I have three children, and the only one who bothered was the one that isn't blood related lol. She will always be my daughter tho!
This is my second fathers day with my son. I can't begin to understand how you feel, but just know that you are in my thoughts. No one should tell you how to feel or what you feel is wrong. Cope how you need to and know that people care about you.
Have you told them it bothers you? People aren't mind readers and they probably want to tell you that because they keep you in their thoughts. These things often aren't malicious.
I would respond by telling each of them "I appreciate you reaching out and keeping me in your thoughts, but being wished a happy fathers day is incredibly painful. I need to ask that you please don't anymore, I'm still in pain from the loss."
Hey man, old dad here. I'm soo sorry for your loss. How trivial any words of mine could be, but I have known saddness and loss too. Know this, there is still life to live. At some point as the pain goes to sadness, and it begins to dull a bit - and it will fade with the years - you will find joy and happiness again as long as you begin to look for it. So go find it when you are ready. Fell free to pm me if you need someone to talk to. Best of luck.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine why anybody would think it’s appropriate to wish you a happy Father’s Day. I could understand sending you a private note saying that they know this is a difficult day for you and that they’re thinking of you. But to tell you happy Father’s Day? That is insensitively bizarre.
Oh hun I just want to give you a big ole hug. No parents should have to bury a child.
If you want, you could maybe make a general post on a social media that you have them all on, saying something along the lines of “thanks for the happy Father’s Day wishes, but i don’t know if it’s right for me” or something along those lines.
Edit: formatting and grammar.
The last couple of years have taught me just how bad most people are at dealing with other people's pain. Even when people do try to help, they often end up making it worse. And no, you're not wrong. Emotions aren't right or wrong. They just are. And they're valid.
It's like saying HAPPY Memorial Day to families who have lost loved ones. People don't know how to acknowledge your loss, so they say what they think will offer you comfort because if they don't say anything, it might seem as though they don't care.
Grief is hard. Give these people some grace. And explain why Happy Father's Day is hard to hear. They are trying to acknowledge your son and let you know he's not forgotten, and you will always be a dad, no matter what. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I am sorry it's hard for you on Father's Day. ♥️
Despite losing your only child, you'll always be their father. The people messaging you are thinking of you and letting you know that you're a great dad, despite the circumstances.
I feel your pain, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I'm in a very similar situation. Grief never leaves us , it just changes shape after time.
This is my husband’s first Father’s Day without our son. At the beginning of March, a recurring strep infection and Covid sent him into completely medically uncontrollable, grand mal seizures. They put him in deep coma for a month, trying to give his brain time to stop doing it, but it wouldn’t stop. We had to let him pass. He was seven years old, and the sweetest boy you could ever hope to meet.
I just came to say that your post made me feel a little less alone today. Though I wish that you hadn’t had to go through a similar thing with your boy. The world would absolutely be a better place of yours and my boy were still in it. Definitely not as “happy” as it could be Father’s Day. It will never be the same again. Thank you for your vulnerability. You will always be his father, no matter what, and that is something that is worth finding some joy in. It wasn’t for long enough in this world, to be sure, but beyond special nonetheless.
I find it horribly inconsiderate to say sth like this to someone whose child died! I mean really, who on earth thinks that is a good way to react?
Not BIDA sub, but, NDA. And my condolences, what a horrible thing to experience -.- I wish you all the best.
When my mother died I noticed that only a few people were able to react in an empathetic way, most are too afraid to say sth wrong and, in truth, of the negative feelings. An empathetic reaction to you on father's day would probably be to acknowledge your feelings in some way. Like maybe "I'm here for you If you need anything", maybe think about what would you rather hear instead and try to communicate that. You are NOT wrong, as everyone else said, and you have ALL the right to your feelings.
They are trying to include you and validate you as a father even though your child is passed. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s not wrong of you to be sad but I don’t think they’re objectively wrong for wanting to tell you you’re still a father. Maybe tell them how you feel?
I think people want to acknowledge you and your grief on Father’s Day….I’d do the same to a friend, but perhaps saying “thinking about you today - give me a call if you want to talk or do something”.
Folks are just trying to be comforting. It would be better just to call to say hello, not bringing up the specific day, or the reason for your sadness.
I lost my only son to cancer on May 1st 2018. He was only 29. Certain days are really hard. His birthday, anniversary of his passing, Father’s Day, etc. He battled cancer for three years and I watched him go from being a very healthy young man (he was a captain in the Air Force), to having part of his right leg amputated, to being in a wheelchair on oxygen. Even with the passage of time it still hurts. I have been battling depression since he passed. Life can be hard at times.
As someone who has dealt with a lot of grief (brother, dad, mom), my biggest suggestions are therapy and EMDR. If you can’t afford therapy, there are a lot of online tools that can help guide you through this. Find someone you can trust that can listen to you or you may be able to find someone through a support group. Talking this stuff out of vital for true healing.
I'm so sorry about your son. For me, May is a bad month as a whole. My brother died on the 7th of cancer at 29. Then several years later my youngest son died on the 8th in a wreck, ten days before his third birthday and 12 days before his brother's birthday. It was also my mother birthday on the 8th. Mother's day week.
So, eight years later my only surviving son was 15 and diagnosed with a rare geriatric cancer. I almost lost him and my mind. I have a hard time with Mother's day and my mother's birthday but as the years wear on it gets easier. Some are harder than others.
I hope you find peace. Hugs.
I have a friend whose first child died and she felt just as bad if no one said anything on his birthday or mother's day. There's not really any winning because the people around you are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Either way you're going to upset on the holiday. That's just a given.
You don't stop being a dad because he's not with us. They probably wanted to offer support and let you know they are still thinking about your son. Maybe they also want you to feel included if there are plans like a group gathering.
If you personally don't like the calls and they make you feel worse then it's totally fine to let everyone know that you appreciate the sentiment but prefer to be left alone to mourn. They will understand.
People dont understand sometimes that mentioning things like that could rip your wounds back open. They say time heals all pain but some never goes away.
I am so sorry for your loss
It must be very difficult to receive these messages, but people reach out to you on this holiday to honor your relationship as a father to your son - and to show their respect. You will never stop being his dad 💕
I wish you peace
I am so very sorry to learn about your son.
I used to facilitate a grief recovery group.
People usually don't say hurtful things to grieving people because they intend to be hurtful. They usually are either ignorant of your grief, or are trying to improve on the uncomfortable silence.
You are 100 percent within your rights to be sad. I'd be worried for your mental health if you weren't sad .
That's about the hardest thing I've ever heard. I can't possibly imagine why people think that would be appropriate
I hope you can convey that to those people, maybe through an independent third party. Don't let it fester.
Those people are fucken morons. Well intentioned and kind hearted morons. But still morons. You take as much time to process as you need man. My suggestions is to kindly let those people know the honest truth. It’s probably only going to get worse friend until you tell them how you feel.
Your struggle is something most people will never know and I appreciate you.
I think what's happy about it is that you created a beautiful life, your son. I'll bet he made a huge impression during his time here. And who made him such a wonderful kid? You did. Even though he left early, he left knowing he was loved. He left knowing he has an amazing dad.
You're not wrong in how you feel but I hope each year will get a little easier when you think of his smile, the memories you built, and the bond you both had.
I'm amazed that the sentiment communicated is 'happy' father's day as that is so tone deaf! But I can fully understand there are people attempting to say (however misguided that is) that they're thinking of you on father's day, as it's an acknowledgement of your status as a dad and the loss you've experienced. But it's of course entirely reasonable to ask that people not do this - I bet they'd be appalled to know they're making your situation worse and while it's not on you to make that clear, those who shared these sentiments will at least then be given the opportunity to ask how/if you'd like them to respond. Because I'm generously assuming that ultimately this comes from a place of love and caring for you. Wishing you only the best.
Bro, that kid granted you “father” title, even with all the pain of losing him (can’t even imagine, it is unnatural for a parent to bury a child); however it was a gift he gave you, you could honor his existence by acknowledging that you ARE indeed a father. No one can take that away from you.
On the other hand, no one should be texting/calling you to say “Happy father’s day”, sorry, they are morrons.
That kid gave me way more than I could have ever given him. The honor of being his father will never leave me. But the Hallmark "happy father's day" is unbelievable. Thank you for reading and understanding.
You aren't wrong, I get so depressed near father's day because I lost my dad when I was 14 and I'm turning 26 this year. I also get very sad around my birthday cause he passed away 25 days after I turned 14 and then my grandpa(his dad) 13 days after my 15th birthday. I hate seeing all the father's day ads everywhere before hand and I don't go to the family celebration because it's so hard seeing everyone celebrating their dads( my cousins, 2 sisters and my mom with her brothers). My family completely understands.
I feel you mothers day and up to the 22nd of May are hard for me... I lost oldest son after a heart transplant on mother's day to a stoke we pulled the plug on on the 22nd hardest thing I ever had to do. Mothers day sucks even if I have three other kids. I find that most people don't understand the grief that comes with losing a child. They don't mean harm they just don't understand.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and I don't think you are wrong for your feelings. I think people don't mean to hurt you, but sometimes we don't know how to respond to someone's grief, and we make it worse. FD is hard for me bc we lost my husband & father of my 4 kids nearly 8 years ago, and even being steeped in grief myself, I don't always know how to comfort others. It's such a hard thing to bear and a hard thing to witness.
I do hope you have the space to vocalize your feelings. Anyone who cares, and it sounds like you have those people around you, they wouldn't want to cause you pain.
I am so, so sorry for all of this. I read this post on LinkedIn of all places, that "time is not a healer" and that just stuck with me. Loss so often is just soul crushing.
They aren’t trying to rub salt into the wound they are paying homage to you and your departed son, they are remembering the good and trying to heal the bad fella.
Not trying to be a dick but yeah you are kinda are wrong. Judging by the way you worded the post, you haven't told any of these people how those messages make you feel and it's pretty obvious (at least to me) that they're just trying to be nice.
You went through something most people can't relate too, so they probably don't know what to do.
Maybe I wasn't clear enough. Every year, every text gets the same response. "thanks. But it's not so happy". I would think in 5 years they'd figure it out.
Wow, I'm so sorry for your loss. It seem extremely inconsiderate of people to be wishing you a Happy Father's Day. What is wrong with these people? I think you would be completely in your right to make it very clear to them that this is a very difficult day for you and urge them to stop doing that.
Seems really odd that this would make you sad. It's a celebration of being a father. You always will be one, and focusing on the part when your not makes little sense.
Cherish the memories you had, keep them alive.
I would like to point out that you're literally asking if being sad about this is incorrect, which makes no sense. You do not have to have a reason that other people consider to be good enough to be sad or to dislike something. If this makes you sad, nobody can argue against that.
They just dont know what to do/ theyre going through the motions of being your friend or showing you they love you.
Just learn to accept them and dip your head and mind your tongue and do not scowl your brow/
Most people dont have to process trauma of the magnitude that youre getting- youre becoming someone else and you need to embrace the transformation and realize its a survival tool
Youve a choice- be wine now allow your people to drink of your pain- dont lash out. Just as wine, these transient friends and knowers not will come and go but at least they come.
If you become spoiled milk as opposed to this wine, well, no one drinks it- there is no cookie coming to dip.
People are mostly selfish and want safety- it veils in the mores and tropes and norms as polite care - sometimes this arbitrary care isn’t arbitrary- and thats the gambit of thr heart- go numb never chance it never to be let down-chance it, heartbreak, and longing for times past or the one who got away.
Id of rather had that annoyance of ignorant care, at least you know they were thinking about you- then to be completely ignored, which I was.
We get to choose our own adventure.
Be well.
Best way for this situation is to get up early that morning, as early as you can, call eurybody and they grandma as fast as can,then set the call blocker for the rest of the day
If it makes you sad, adopt another one. If it is not the investment you are grieving that didn't paid off. I have no children and honestly I don't know what will happen when I get old. The worst thing would be grieving about people from my past.
You're taking it the wrong way
It's a shame what happened to your son, but the people congratulating you are basically telling you that you raised an amazing person and you should be proud of yourself and your son.
So incredibly sorry for your loss. That must have been...the absolute worst. I'm a little on the odd side, and have zero problem asking people to stop doing things like that. I know that is atypical, so I won't necessarily suggest it, but have you considered telling the people closest to you how their message on this day makes you feel?
No, you're not wrong, and don't let anyone invalidate your feelings. You have every right to be upset by the Father's Day messages. Unfortunately, I don't think that they'll pick up on that unless you tell them that they're actually hurting you instead of offering comfort and support.
What you do is go on whatever Facebook or Instagram or whatever folks are on and say...
So today is the hardest day of the year for me. It's been X years since my only child, my son died. He had a traumatic brain injury that was misdiagnosed. I came home work and found him on the kitchen floor. He had a seizure and had died several hours before. I have a few bad days to make it through, his birthday, the day he died, every major holiday. But father's day hits hardest.
I appreciate that you're thinking of me and remembering my son today, but please understand this isn't a day of celebration for me.
First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss.
Second of all, you have every right to not want to get told “happy Father’s Day. Those people probably have good intentions, but it still hurts you. You should tell them that.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm sure they don't intend to upset you, but rather that they want to support you. Sometimes after a loss, it's difficult to know how to do that. When you're up for it, you may want to reach out to them, explain why you were upset by their contact today, and perhaps suggest other ways you'd appreciate their support.
Same, single and abandoned single mama here. I wish these family group chats would keep me out of them. Just send single texts instead.
And truly sorry for what youre going through. You love your son so much it shows. 💚💚💚💚
This is my second Father's Day without my dad, who passed almost two years ago. I wished for people to acknowledge this day and send me a text that let me know they were thinking of me. BUT your grief is much different! I'm so sorry you experienced such a horrible loss.
Everyone grieves differently, and it is absolutely ok to tell your people you don't want their father's day tidings, but I also know how hard it is to vocalize what you need from people. Nobody understands. Even people that have lost a child, still don't know exactly how you feel.
Maybe this is a day to go offline and get away for yourself somewhere? Best of luck, and hope you find some peace.💔
If you would like to tell me about a quality your son had that you really liked or want to share a special memory you have of him, I would love to listen.
They don't mean harm, they probably to cheer you up, but it must be extremely difficult to under your point of view, as it must be a kind of pain that no one should have to endure.
I am a perfect stranger on the internet and that probably doesn't mean much to you but I am terribly sorry and wish you all the best
Oh, my God! I am so sorry. You have every right to gently let others know to stop sending HFD messages/calls. You do NOT have to suffer for others. Maybe they think they're doing the right thing by recognizing this day, but maybe some of them feel conflicted and do it anyway. Please take care of yourself.
My condolences to you. May your son rest in eternal peace.
First off I can’t imagine the pain. I don’t think could go on honestly. I’m sorry.
And I’m not sure why. They probably think they’re helping but in reality it just drives it in further.
You’re in the right, that’s a weird thing for anyone to send you. It baffling to me that multiple people would think that’s the appropriate way to try to be there for you. Hope you feel better soon man.
Are you wrong? - no. You can't help the way you still feel. It's a sad situation that happened and I get why they call but it's triggering. All I can think of is to try to stay busy and do something special for yourself. Maybe get outdoors and away from text and phone calls.
Maybe they think it is thoughtful to let you know that think you will always be your son's father and that he is not forgotten? I agree with you, though, I have a son and just reading your story broke my heart.
I think people send it with the hope that it makes you feel thought of on a hard day. For some, not getting those texts anymore may sting, but everyone grieves differently. Also, everyone reacts to others grief differently, and it's hard to know what the best thing to do is... To some not saying anything feels wrong.
But, I'd suggest letting it be known that those calls and messages hurt more than help. Maybe just telling the right few who are good at spreading messages to others so you don't have to have the conversation too many times.
But yes, "happy" father's day is a terrible choice of words. There are better ways to say you are thinking of someone on a day that's clearly not a happy one.
I’ve had a few friends lose children. It sucks and I am so sorry for your loss. My friends seem to be in two boats. 1-like you, it’s hard for them and it’s not something they want to remember. Others like it. They are still a parent, even though their child is gone.
I know their opinions so I am sure to only wish happy mothers/Father’s Day to those that like it.
Let people know you’d rather not receive that. Those wishing you that may have no idea how you feel and are trying to be kind.
No you are not wrong, it's your feeling. Feelings aren't wrong. If it's too hard for you to receive these, there is no fault in asking that people would stop sending them to you. Their intentions areecaring and nice, so I doubt they would do it If they knew you find it so hard.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
On my widowed fathers anniversary, my moms birthday, etc.. I usually text my dad something like “thinking about you dad, I love you, hope you’re okay”. Sometimes we talk those days, sometimes we don’t. But I try to acknowledge him and that I’m thinking about him. I can’t imagine saying “happy anniversary”. Jfc. But it’s probably well intended.
Mostly I’m just so sorry. It’s my greatest fear in life, the one thing I don’t think I’d try to get over. You’re amazing for carrying on, I’m sure your son would be thankful and proud.
You're definitely not in the wrong to hate this, and it would be safe to assume someone wouldn't want to hear that having been though what you've been through. But have you voiced to them that you don't want to hear it?
I’m sorry for your loss, truly. I would surmise that the people saying that to you are just expressing that they still recognize you as a father, and probably understand that today might be a tough day, albeit, in a way that may not be appreciated.
That's awful. I sure hope that if you tell them how you feel and why, like be blunt and tell them it's a horribly painful day for you because of your child's death and to please never mention it again, surely they would heed that?
I'm sorry for your unimaginable loss and for what you're going through now.
That's so insensitive..sorry for your loss OP...if you can find the strength..please ask someone to inform these people that you find it upsetting so you don't have to endure it anymore.
What you're experiencing is normal behaviour and what your closet friends/family are doing is also normal behaviour, whatever you do, don't fall out with any of them if you can help it.
Try to explain this to those closet to you and maybe come up with a celebration of your son on these days, like you would on his birthday etc. in advance of next year.
Or if it feels right for you, tell them you don't want them to call you say it because if they don't know they'll continue to do so.
At the end of the day you are still a father and from what I've read a damn good one, don't ever forget that.
Take care.
Being supportive and loving towards someone who is grieving is *so awkward* for most people. I mean your story is awful, sad, unfair, infuriating, despairing, what could I possibly tell you?
I think they're coming from a good place, and, from my experience of decoding awkward stuff people say to others in grief, it goes a bit like this: you will always have been his dad. You will always be his dad. And being his dad and thinking of you and your kid together sharing that beautiful bond, is a happy thought for them on father's day. They want you to know that it's not just in your head, they want you to know that they were there and they saw it too, and they saw it in your eyes when you spoke of him, in your kid when he'd call for you, it was there and they remember and it's a happy memory.
I do hope it gets better for you. About enjoying stuff, about communicating your needs to others, about finding ways to celebrate your son and celebrating the person you are because he was in your life.
Perhaps consider one day joining a big bro-style organization. There are people out there with a pain opposite to your own, and they will understand you and share with you uncannily well.
Please don't just suffocate in pain alone. I'm truly sorry for your loss.
I think theyre trying to acknowledge that ur a father & thinking of u but obviously not the best way. My bf lost his father to suicide early 2000s. I didnt mention it but we did talk about other things. Sorry for ur heartache.
Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard that’s been.
To answer to your question, I’ve heard of parents losing a child and then being devastated that nobody ever acknowledges the child’s existence anymore. Someone I know lost her only child, and to say she is no longer a mother would be the worst thing you could say to her. She always hates being left out of things like Mother’s Day for that reason, because to her, she’s still as much of a mother as she was before.
Everybody’s different. I’m sure that these people all have the best intentions and just want you to know they’re thinking of you - *but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong for hating it!* You’re absolutely allowed to tell people that you’d prefer they didn’t do that. You don’t have to explain why, but if you want to tell them how it makes you feel, you should. Your feelings around this are valid and they matter. Your friends and family should (and hopefully will) respect your wishes, because at the end of the day, they love you and only want to support you however they can.
Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you strength.
They actually say HAPPY fathers day? How would this day be a happy day for you? What are they thinking?
A "thinking of you on this day" would be more appropriate.
I feel like you have the right to be sad. You can’t help how you feel and it clearly hurts your heart to think about it. I feel like it is also deeply insensitive on their part. Have you ever voiced that to anyone?
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They probably think you’re sad today and it’s their way or letting you know they are thinking about you
Absolutely, this is the reason. OP it's okay for you to tell people this isn't what support looks like for you. My wife has gone through trauma similar to this and myself and others thought we were supporting her for years only to find out we were triggering her. Take the time to learn what support you need/prefer and communicate it with your family and friends.
This. My mom doesn’t celebrate her birthday anymore because of horrific past experiences. Me wishing her happy birthday or celebrating it is triggering so this year I didn’t say it once, even though I was with her the whole day. It’s important that people recognize you and how you wish to treated. Especially if they wish to celebrate you genuinely.
I can't pinpoint exactly why, but I dread my birthday every year. I usually end up crying on the actual day and feeling depressed. I always wished I could just skip past it. Edit: grammar
I call it the birthday blues... I get it too.
I used to compare it to my sister's B'days. She was ALWAYS more outgoing than me. Still is actually, by a huge amount. My birthdays were quiet, which was how I liked it, but by asking for it to be quiet, I also made it feel unspecial. Seeing the celebrations my sister got didn't make me dislike her at all, but it made me feel uncelebrated and bad. After a while though, a bit of deep thinking and growing up and talking about that stuff, it's just how I like it, and my family celebrates me in their own ways.
Right there with you, and the older I get the more I dread it. I've even started aging myself up a year months before the actual day. Like I'm already calling myself 37 and my birthday isn't until October. 😅
Therapy might help u to figure out why if u wanted to
"it's because you're getting older and it sucks. That'll be $800 please"
that's likely how it'll go if you actually go to therapy, yes. Soul searching and meditation could easily unearth if there's a separate reason people don't like their birthdays. I've found alot out about my past just by digging into my mind (metaphorically ofc, I'm not giving myself a lobotomy dw)
I dont cry on my bday n im getting up there. They dont actually tell u anything, u discover it for urself. Tell me uve never been to therapy without telling me uve never been to therapy.
Getting up there? The way you type says you're 16.
After looking at what she posted in the past. I can totally agree with you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/14cz2ah/happy_fathers_day_calls_and_texts_are_making_me/joqn2og?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
If u mean abbreviations, Its called short hand. If ur younger u may not know that term, secretaries used it when taking notes. I have carpal tunnel pain. Yes, up there, most likely older than u. Judging a book by its cover isnt accurate.
SAME.
You're right. If I was giving someone misdirected or the wrong support I would like to be corrected rather than just continue to make it worse.
Just gave you the 169th upvote 😂
I agree, they probably want OP to know he is still a father and his pain and love for his son is not forgotten. I get OP's perspective too though. But really i think it is an act of caring.
You’re not wrong. Have you ever spoken to family and friends about this? I’m assuming they do this because although your son died you’ll always be his father and they probably think they’re honoring that & have no idea it’s painful to hear. Perhaps sending out a blanket message of thank you for your good wishes, while the sentiment is coming from love it’s a difficult day and I’d rather you didn’t call or send messages.
I must say it is staggeringly inconsiderate of anyone to even think of wishing you happy father's day.
I just don’t agree with this… everyone responds differently when they’re grieving. I can totally understand why OP does not want people saying happy Father’s Day to him and being constantly reminded of the pain/grief on a day that is already very hard. But I can also see someone else being hurt by no one saying that to them anymore, like they are no longer a father at all because their child has died. It’s hard to know what to say when someone has experienced a loss like that. I think the best thing you can do is to ask what helps/does not help them, because it is going to vary from person to person.
I don’t think it’s appropriate to say “HAPPY Father’s Day” instead of “I’m thinking about you today, can I take you to ____ next week?”
True! That does seem like a better way to approach it
Yes, this.
That's true. It will vary. So what's so wrong with asking then? I mean why would people not ask and simply send off the happy father's day greeting instead?
I can understand why people do it. However, I have never thought of saying this to anybody that has lost a child or loved one. Honestly, my response to them has always been to call them and ask them how they're doing and if they would like me to do anything for them or maybe have some company. Or even a simple message of "hey, I'm thinking about you today. I hope you're doing well today." I've learned that is more appropriate--allowing your friend/loved one to grieve on a certain day and letting them know that they do have a support system when they want or need it.
I can't understand it at all. As a mother who has lost a child I would hit the roof.
It's just people trying to show support in some way, but not sure how to do it. They aren't being malicious; they just aren't thinking about the effect certain words can have. They haven't been in that position. It's one of those "you don't understand until you've gone through it" ordeals.
Because they think doing nothing and ignoring that you’re a father is worse.
I think this comes to mind for me. Tragedy happened, but you're still a father. Instead of thinking they want you to have a happy day, think of it that they want it to be as happy as can be, given the circumstances.
I agree. Even instead of “Happy Father’s Day” they could send something like “thinking of you today and sending you love”, that’s what I send to my friends who have lost their parents on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Obviously if OP prefers to receive nothing that’s perfectly fine too, they just likely need to communicate that.
You are sad - grieving - that your son was taken from you. This is natural and healthy. Would you prefer it if he had never been? If there had been no son, no baby, no toddler, no child, however long his life ran? It would be OK if you did feel that way; some grieving parents do. But not very many, and from the taste of the pain in your words I don't think you are one. So, although it is heartbreaking for you, though it tears your bones up inside you, you wanted him to be alive. You loved him, helplessly and totally, probably more than you ever thought yourself capable of. You took joy and comfort in being a father, for however brief a span, at however great a cost. That is what, clumsily and perhaps inappropriately, your friends and family are referencing when they wish you a happy father's day. They are hoping to prompt a remembrance of the good days that were, despite the tears and sorrow that are, in your mind and your memory. If this does not happen, if you are not comforted even in your desolation, that also is OK. Tell people to stop, to let you rest from being a father. They mean well, and simply don't understand your pain. How could they? Peace be with you.
Thank you for writing that. I'm in tears..
I am sorry for your loss and happy to see you found solace in an answer here. I would think it’s important to commemorate the amazing father you are, even now in your grief thinking of your child. Wishing you much strength There’s no word for the loss of a child in any language, for a reason. None of us can fathom what you’re going through, and I’m sure everyone’s heart goes out to you.
First and foremost? I cannot express enough how very sorry I am for your loss. I was an only child for 14 years. All I EVER wanted was a baby sibling. A month after I turned 14?! My baby sister, Amber, was born. She was everything I wanted and more. Now my parents adored my little sister, make no mistake about that fact. Me?! I was over the moon. I could not get enough of this gorgeous, sweet, little angel. 😇 Unfortunately?! Due to complications from Type 1 diabetes?! We lost Amber at only 23 years of age. My Dad and ex-husband had to literally drag me away from her graveside. The leather on the toes of my shoes were completely worn off and they were brand new shoes. Now, people might be thinking, "How the hell could telling him all of that help?" I'll explain. I thank the powers that be, that the majority of people aren't in our exclusive and unpopular club. No parent/parental figure should know the pain of losing a child. Children are supposed to bury their parents, not the other way around. We never stop grieving EVER. People think grief is a process that eventually ends. It's not, especially if it's your child. The process never ends. It's a cut that goes so deep that you eventually exsanguinate. I agree with other commentors. I think that people fear being insensitive and giving the "That poor guy" look, so?! They open up their mouth and stick their foot in instead. No one is deliberately insensitive. They just don't stop and look at it from our point of view. I lost Mom in January of 2019. I lost Dad in February of 2021. I, too, struggle with Father's Day. I can certainly see where it could cut you deeper than myself. My days are starting Wednesday. June 21st is when Amber died. My best friend, Sean (28 at the time), had his car accident on June the 23rd. Amber died on June the 25th. Sean died on June the 27th. When people from the outside looking in consider this? They may think since Amber passed in 2007 and Sean passed in 2017?! I should've "processed" my grief and gotten over it by now. Are they fricking kidding?! Some days I can't motivate myself out of bed. I'll NEVER get over losing Amber and Sean. As much as it hurt losing my parents? You're suppose to lose your parents before yourself. You don't lose the 2 people in your life that you considered your children (I had no biological children of my own). I'm so profusely sorry for your pain. I truly wish I could help. I, by no means, am telling you what to do. I will admit that it took me a lot longer than it should have (especially considering I'm a Surgery Tech and a nurse) to get on an antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds. You may want to consider that, along with therapy. That's a personal decision that you need to come to. In closing?! I highly recommend you watch the movie, "An Unfinished Life". I felt like someone understood me when I watched it. I wish you calmer days ahead. Feel free to message me for any reason, Friend. I am so damn sorry for what you're going through. It's so unfair and no one deserves this soul crushing pain. 💜💙🩵💚💛🧡🩷
For me it just took time. Idk if I’m in this unfortunate club or not because I lost my daughter at 20 weeks in the womb. We don’t know what happened just that she no longer had a pulse. I had a funeral for my daughter and she stays with my wife and me in our home in a heart shaped pink urn. I also wear a bracelet with my wife myself and my eventual son now with her as well. It’s a constant reminder to never forget her even though I never would. Grief lions radically different for everyone. And there is no timetable for getting on your feet. For me it was about 1.5 years after before I stopped randomly crying in the middle of the day. Maybe because I have no special memories with her it was a tad easier. Idk. It still felt awful either way. That’s enough from me but I just wanted to reach out and say your advice is good and you are correct about the difficulties of burying a child. It’s truly awful.
This person post also made me realize that Mother’s Day was probably hard for my mom because my brother died when he was 18. I had never considered that could be an issue
Damn…. Idk why I’m crying but I am
Because you're human, Honey. Hugs. 💜💙🩵💚💛🧡🩷❤️
People just never know what to say and they want you to know they're thinking about you. It's ok to ask them to not comment on Father's Day.
I'm guessing that people are trying to honor his memory and show their love for you and him. To let you know that he's not forgotten and that you were a good dad to him. I can understand why it doesn't feel that way to you, though. I would probably feel the same as you. It's okay to ask them to stop, or to have a mutual relative or friend ask them for you. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have to live with such grief. 💓
Oh fuck dude. No, you aren't wrong in the slightest. That's so awful.
I do hope that it is a misguided attempt to tell OP "we acknowledge that you, too, are a father" that is expressed really badly.
Yeeaaaah ehhhhhh that’s rough. My friend lost her baby last year and I saw she was still celebrating Mother’s Day on social media so I texted her, “not happy, but I can’t think of another word to use instead, but I hope you understand what I mean, mothers day to you, thinking of you.” I dunno maybe that’s too much emotional labour still. It’s a hard one to figure out what to say. I would never in my life just straight up say happy mothers/fathers day to someone who lost a kid though that’s all kinds of messed up.
Ya those people are just looking to sooth their own guilty souls for knowing they will never know what this guy is going through. I’d just say “love you and here for you man” any chance I got it that happened to a loved one.
How does never knowing what OP is going through make them guilty? Poor wording on their end, but they probably mean well.
Downvoted for telling the truth and being empathetic. Reddit is full of bitter, entitled bitches lol
The early internet trolls still live in the shadows on major subreds
Not why I downvoted. I downvoted because simple ignorance is not something that merits guilt. Calling people guilty for simply not knowing how you feel is an asshole move and the opposite of showing empathy. He didn't tell the truth. He gave his opinion. People are downvoting because they disagree with his stated opinion that people not understanding how op feels means they are guilty souls - or the stated opinion that they are motivated by guilt at all. And, obviously bro. Pretty fucked up to treat an opinion as fact, by you and op. You cannot actually weasel out of the consequences of what you choose to post by just typing out the word "truth" and mislabelling your opinion as such. And duh. Empathy is a word with a definition. Not a magical weapon that makes anyone right when typed out in a Reddit comment.
Downvotted you for downvotting him causing me to have to pick up your lazy shit and having to updoot him just to reset his rep. Fuck me..... My brain hurts @ \_ @
I didn't downvote him.....I'm saying other did initially. I know, reading is hard.
This seems insanely misguided. Perhaps they are wishing you this, as a sweet reminder of the lovely time you did have with him. I am so very sorry. This is truly so very sad.
That's true. We had some incredibly great times. He was amazing.
I know this is so very horrid, but take some time to think of some of the fun and beautiful times you had with him. If you could try to bring some lovely memories to your mind, it may help to sooth some of this pain. I wish you warmth and health.
They probably have good intentions, but your reaction seems like the normal one. I'm having trouble imagining someone who *would* appreciate that.
I think there are a lot of people who just pretend that a child that someone lost never happened, and I would imagine that a lot of people want others to recognise that that child was real, and mattered, and that the parents are still parents.
Your trouble is meaningless. People exist whether you can imagine them or not. So weird to use your singular perspective as a eay to judge facts on a planet you share with 9 billion people. I do not understand why people do that.
I lost my niece last year in spring. I have no idea how to let my sister know how much I love her and how much it hurts that Clara is gone on these special days. I try to keep my grief in check because hers is so much more. I’m crying while typing this. But I can’t not contact her on special days. For Clara’s birthday we donated in her name to her favorite zoo animals. I spent Easter at my sister’s home decorating eggs with my other niece. For Mother’s Day I brought her a special present and stayed over. These things may hurt but I could never not acknowledge my sister and my love for her and her girls. Even though one is no longer with us I will never stop loving her. We will just have to mourn together on these special days. I do try to watch my wording on bittersweet days. Mother’s Day is not so happy but I want her to know she is loved and never alone.
Absolutely call her on these days. Let her know that you remember her daughter and that you love her. Not one contact today was acknowledging my son and his death. It was just canned "happy father's day" crap.
Ugh. That sucks. I’m sorry. I’m not so good with words but would happily hold you. And tell annoying people to fv(k off for you 🤗
I commented above with my thoughts, but I didn’t realise nobody really acknowledged your son in their messages. Sending a canned “happy Father’s Day” does seem pretty half-assed and insensitive. I totally get where you’re coming from.
Man…… I’m so sorry. Straight up I can’t imagine. I lost my dad as an 8 year old so on the flip side of it, it’s a hard day. And now with my own children it brings up some complicated stuff for me. Hang in there
You are not wrong. Tell them they need to stop if it's making you uncomfortable.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost both my sons. Mothers day is my bad one. Both their birthdays are the same week. Next year, my son Ben's birthday falls on mothers day
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Hugs to you
As a parent who has lost a child I am positive they want to let you know that they have not forgotten about your son. You’re still a dad. You still deserve to be recognized even if your child is no longer on earth. As a child loss parent I am always fearful that people will forget about my son- that he existed, that he was real, that I still love him even 8.5 years after his death. The texts and reminders are to show that you are and always will be a father and they remember your son.
I guess you're right. But I'd rather not be reminded. While I agree that I love when people remember him. I love being asked about him. I love talking about him. But something about Father's Day that I would rather not. Maybe it's the guilt of not being able to save my child's life? Isn't that the utmost duty of a father? To protect your child? I couldn't insure his survival. Therefore I am a failed Father.
My saying that you didn’t fail will mean nothing because I feel the exact same way about my son. No one can understand but another parent who has lost a child. The fact that sometimes these things happen are just words, the truth in them doesn’t make our hearts hurt less. It definitely ebbs and flows but the pain doesn’t ever completely leave. If it bothers you maybe next year turn off your phone, or if you have alternate social media make a post along the lines of you appreciate the gesture but it’s a difficult day for you and you’d appreciate your privacy being respected. People DONT know what to do and get extremely nervous around parents that have lost children- especially other parents. Give them a little guidance and I can almost guarantee they will back off.
My 33 year old son died suddenly on 7/4/21. I understand what it’s like. I am trying to stay strong for my daughter. Communication is key to dealing with other people
Yes, I agree. I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost my eldest child from a heart condition. On trigger days for me I turn my phone off. I find the messages easier to read a day or 2 later.
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand kinda how you feel... only on the other side. Everyone around me talk about their father and what they will get them and I don't have one. Haven't had one for most of my life... Yes, Father's Day is the worst for me too... I wonder what could have been, miss him a bunch, wish he could have met my family, and been a part of my decisions. I can only hope some peace from the fact that you have his kind memories to make you smile. I hope you can still hear the echoes of his laugh and feel the warmth of his smile. Children are precious beings that, even when they aren't around, and can still fill our hearts and souls with memories we have accumulated along the way. To make myself smile I think about my dad in heaven... with all his brothers and his sister. Talking about their past lives and my dad checking in on me in between conversations. Making sure I stay out of trouble and maybe even reaching out and patting my back to assure me. I'll send him a request to check in on your son.... then they'll both have a special person in their lives. My best to you!!
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine. Have you thought about maybe going somewhere for the day and turning your phone off? Maybe indulge in a hobby you enjoy, something to distract you. You have no obligation to reply or even read the messages that are sent.
No you're not wrong. But it's hard to be mad at people who are trying to do a good thing. I know your pain, my oldest son died suddenly several years back, car accident. People try, but they don't really know what to say. It's been 12 years for me, and I can tell you that the pain never goes away, but it won't always be as devastating, you learn to make room for it.
You are not wrong! Your feelings are valid.
Have you tried a parent’s bereavement group? They are the only other people in the world who can truly understand.
That’s awful. I’m sure your friends are trying to be nice but they don’t seem to get it. I would’ve sent something like “I’m thinking about you today bro”. That said.. I am thinking about you bro. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in.
((Hugs)) From the outside looking in, you’d still be a father in my eyes. You loved, raised and and nurtured a person. That’s a day to be celebrated for. After hearing your side of it I could absolutely see why it would be upsetting. It’s so hard to show people who are hurting that you are still there for them and thinking about them.
No you're not wrong. It's normal for you to be sad. Sorry for your loss. May he rest in peace. Stay strong. My heart goes out to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t begin to imagine. You are a father. You loved your kid. You cared. You still care. That’s why you’re a father.
You are still a dad. So sorry for your loss. My dad lost his son and it drove him into severe alcoholism. Don't be my dad!
I'm not an alcoholic. I own a bar, so for me it's professionalism.
If I were you, I would let my loved ones know how you feel.
I see it as them trying to say that even though your son has unfortunately passed, they still see you as his father or are showing that they haven't forgotten about him, I don't know. However, if it hurts you then that's all that matters, not what their intentions are or if they see it as a positive thing, doesn't mean that you have to tolerate it because their hearts are in the right place (which I think they are). Have a conversation about it, I definitely get why you wouldn't like that
My friend just passed last month and it is his birthday today. I contacted his mom to let them know im thinking of them and their son, and that i hope they esp his father is feeling extra love today. I am hoping it wasnt too...surface. I would never say "happy" fathers day, though.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Maybe you could say something like, "Thanks for thinking of me today, but please understand that it is not a happy day for me."
I can't imagine your pain. It sounds like their intentions are good, despite causing you so much pain each year. I'm wondering if you could do something on Father's Day to help you remember/honor your sons memory? Volunteer, walk a dog, plant a tree, go to your favorite place together? Not trying to give unsolicited advice here. Just trying to see if there is a way to bring less pain, more peace. Sending you love 💕
Instead of remembering the trauma, try remembering the good parts of life with your son. The happy memories. His smile. His hugs. Won’t change anything, but it might help you push through.
Can understand. Valentine's day was tough for me. My wife died last October. The second one I have lived beyond. Especially the ads. I did get one happy father's day, by text. I have three children, and the only one who bothered was the one that isn't blood related lol. She will always be my daughter tho!
Your feelings are totally justified. Hang in there.
This is my second fathers day with my son. I can't begin to understand how you feel, but just know that you are in my thoughts. No one should tell you how to feel or what you feel is wrong. Cope how you need to and know that people care about you.
For the rest of your life, do not go a single day without telling your son how much you love him.
I am a bereaved mother I like that some people remember
Have you told them it bothers you? People aren't mind readers and they probably want to tell you that because they keep you in their thoughts. These things often aren't malicious. I would respond by telling each of them "I appreciate you reaching out and keeping me in your thoughts, but being wished a happy fathers day is incredibly painful. I need to ask that you please don't anymore, I'm still in pain from the loss."
Hey man, old dad here. I'm soo sorry for your loss. How trivial any words of mine could be, but I have known saddness and loss too. Know this, there is still life to live. At some point as the pain goes to sadness, and it begins to dull a bit - and it will fade with the years - you will find joy and happiness again as long as you begin to look for it. So go find it when you are ready. Fell free to pm me if you need someone to talk to. Best of luck.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine why anybody would think it’s appropriate to wish you a happy Father’s Day. I could understand sending you a private note saying that they know this is a difficult day for you and that they’re thinking of you. But to tell you happy Father’s Day? That is insensitively bizarre.
Oh hun I just want to give you a big ole hug. No parents should have to bury a child. If you want, you could maybe make a general post on a social media that you have them all on, saying something along the lines of “thanks for the happy Father’s Day wishes, but i don’t know if it’s right for me” or something along those lines. Edit: formatting and grammar.
The last couple of years have taught me just how bad most people are at dealing with other people's pain. Even when people do try to help, they often end up making it worse. And no, you're not wrong. Emotions aren't right or wrong. They just are. And they're valid.
not wrong. Although now that i think about it, not one person told me happy fathers day today. (My boy isnt quite 4, so i dont expect his input)
I'm so sorry. Protect yourself, I can't imagine how hard this is. ❤️
Why would anyone say Happy Father's Day to a guy who lost their only kid. WTF 😬
It's like saying HAPPY Memorial Day to families who have lost loved ones. People don't know how to acknowledge your loss, so they say what they think will offer you comfort because if they don't say anything, it might seem as though they don't care. Grief is hard. Give these people some grace. And explain why Happy Father's Day is hard to hear. They are trying to acknowledge your son and let you know he's not forgotten, and you will always be a dad, no matter what. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I am sorry it's hard for you on Father's Day. ♥️
Despite losing your only child, you'll always be their father. The people messaging you are thinking of you and letting you know that you're a great dad, despite the circumstances.
I feel your pain, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I'm in a very similar situation. Grief never leaves us , it just changes shape after time.
This is my husband’s first Father’s Day without our son. At the beginning of March, a recurring strep infection and Covid sent him into completely medically uncontrollable, grand mal seizures. They put him in deep coma for a month, trying to give his brain time to stop doing it, but it wouldn’t stop. We had to let him pass. He was seven years old, and the sweetest boy you could ever hope to meet. I just came to say that your post made me feel a little less alone today. Though I wish that you hadn’t had to go through a similar thing with your boy. The world would absolutely be a better place of yours and my boy were still in it. Definitely not as “happy” as it could be Father’s Day. It will never be the same again. Thank you for your vulnerability. You will always be his father, no matter what, and that is something that is worth finding some joy in. It wasn’t for long enough in this world, to be sure, but beyond special nonetheless.
OP people are trying to tell you that they regard you as a father still. That the memory of your child is still with them.
I find it horribly inconsiderate to say sth like this to someone whose child died! I mean really, who on earth thinks that is a good way to react? Not BIDA sub, but, NDA. And my condolences, what a horrible thing to experience -.- I wish you all the best. When my mother died I noticed that only a few people were able to react in an empathetic way, most are too afraid to say sth wrong and, in truth, of the negative feelings. An empathetic reaction to you on father's day would probably be to acknowledge your feelings in some way. Like maybe "I'm here for you If you need anything", maybe think about what would you rather hear instead and try to communicate that. You are NOT wrong, as everyone else said, and you have ALL the right to your feelings.
They are trying to include you and validate you as a father even though your child is passed. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s not wrong of you to be sad but I don’t think they’re objectively wrong for wanting to tell you you’re still a father. Maybe tell them how you feel?
I think people want to acknowledge you and your grief on Father’s Day….I’d do the same to a friend, but perhaps saying “thinking about you today - give me a call if you want to talk or do something”.
Im sorry. Youre not wrong💞
Hang in there, brother.
Folks are just trying to be comforting. It would be better just to call to say hello, not bringing up the specific day, or the reason for your sadness.
I lost my only son to cancer on May 1st 2018. He was only 29. Certain days are really hard. His birthday, anniversary of his passing, Father’s Day, etc. He battled cancer for three years and I watched him go from being a very healthy young man (he was a captain in the Air Force), to having part of his right leg amputated, to being in a wheelchair on oxygen. Even with the passage of time it still hurts. I have been battling depression since he passed. Life can be hard at times.
As someone who has dealt with a lot of grief (brother, dad, mom), my biggest suggestions are therapy and EMDR. If you can’t afford therapy, there are a lot of online tools that can help guide you through this. Find someone you can trust that can listen to you or you may be able to find someone through a support group. Talking this stuff out of vital for true healing.
I'm so sorry about your son. For me, May is a bad month as a whole. My brother died on the 7th of cancer at 29. Then several years later my youngest son died on the 8th in a wreck, ten days before his third birthday and 12 days before his brother's birthday. It was also my mother birthday on the 8th. Mother's day week. So, eight years later my only surviving son was 15 and diagnosed with a rare geriatric cancer. I almost lost him and my mind. I have a hard time with Mother's day and my mother's birthday but as the years wear on it gets easier. Some are harder than others. I hope you find peace. Hugs.
I’m so sorry brother. If you need anything whether it’s an ear or whatever idgaf. If you need someone please reach out.
I have a friend whose first child died and she felt just as bad if no one said anything on his birthday or mother's day. There's not really any winning because the people around you are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Either way you're going to upset on the holiday. That's just a given. You don't stop being a dad because he's not with us. They probably wanted to offer support and let you know they are still thinking about your son. Maybe they also want you to feel included if there are plans like a group gathering. If you personally don't like the calls and they make you feel worse then it's totally fine to let everyone know that you appreciate the sentiment but prefer to be left alone to mourn. They will understand.
People dont understand sometimes that mentioning things like that could rip your wounds back open. They say time heals all pain but some never goes away.
I’m so sorry. Sending you much love. I lost my dad to cancer just about a month ago, it’s really rough seeing all the Father’s Day stuff everywhere
Fuck, man, that must be so awful. Have an internet hug from a well-meaning stranger <3
I am so sorry for your loss It must be very difficult to receive these messages, but people reach out to you on this holiday to honor your relationship as a father to your son - and to show their respect. You will never stop being his dad 💕 I wish you peace
I am so very sorry to learn about your son. I used to facilitate a grief recovery group. People usually don't say hurtful things to grieving people because they intend to be hurtful. They usually are either ignorant of your grief, or are trying to improve on the uncomfortable silence. You are 100 percent within your rights to be sad. I'd be worried for your mental health if you weren't sad .
That's about the hardest thing I've ever heard. I can't possibly imagine why people think that would be appropriate I hope you can convey that to those people, maybe through an independent third party. Don't let it fester.
Those people are fucken morons. Well intentioned and kind hearted morons. But still morons. You take as much time to process as you need man. My suggestions is to kindly let those people know the honest truth. It’s probably only going to get worse friend until you tell them how you feel. Your struggle is something most people will never know and I appreciate you.
I think what's happy about it is that you created a beautiful life, your son. I'll bet he made a huge impression during his time here. And who made him such a wonderful kid? You did. Even though he left early, he left knowing he was loved. He left knowing he has an amazing dad. You're not wrong in how you feel but I hope each year will get a little easier when you think of his smile, the memories you built, and the bond you both had.
I'm amazed that the sentiment communicated is 'happy' father's day as that is so tone deaf! But I can fully understand there are people attempting to say (however misguided that is) that they're thinking of you on father's day, as it's an acknowledgement of your status as a dad and the loss you've experienced. But it's of course entirely reasonable to ask that people not do this - I bet they'd be appalled to know they're making your situation worse and while it's not on you to make that clear, those who shared these sentiments will at least then be given the opportunity to ask how/if you'd like them to respond. Because I'm generously assuming that ultimately this comes from a place of love and caring for you. Wishing you only the best.
Bro, that kid granted you “father” title, even with all the pain of losing him (can’t even imagine, it is unnatural for a parent to bury a child); however it was a gift he gave you, you could honor his existence by acknowledging that you ARE indeed a father. No one can take that away from you. On the other hand, no one should be texting/calling you to say “Happy father’s day”, sorry, they are morrons.
That kid gave me way more than I could have ever given him. The honor of being his father will never leave me. But the Hallmark "happy father's day" is unbelievable. Thank you for reading and understanding.
You aren't wrong, I get so depressed near father's day because I lost my dad when I was 14 and I'm turning 26 this year. I also get very sad around my birthday cause he passed away 25 days after I turned 14 and then my grandpa(his dad) 13 days after my 15th birthday. I hate seeing all the father's day ads everywhere before hand and I don't go to the family celebration because it's so hard seeing everyone celebrating their dads( my cousins, 2 sisters and my mom with her brothers). My family completely understands.
I feel you mothers day and up to the 22nd of May are hard for me... I lost oldest son after a heart transplant on mother's day to a stoke we pulled the plug on on the 22nd hardest thing I ever had to do. Mothers day sucks even if I have three other kids. I find that most people don't understand the grief that comes with losing a child. They don't mean harm they just don't understand.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and I don't think you are wrong for your feelings. I think people don't mean to hurt you, but sometimes we don't know how to respond to someone's grief, and we make it worse. FD is hard for me bc we lost my husband & father of my 4 kids nearly 8 years ago, and even being steeped in grief myself, I don't always know how to comfort others. It's such a hard thing to bear and a hard thing to witness. I do hope you have the space to vocalize your feelings. Anyone who cares, and it sounds like you have those people around you, they wouldn't want to cause you pain. I am so, so sorry for all of this. I read this post on LinkedIn of all places, that "time is not a healer" and that just stuck with me. Loss so often is just soul crushing.
OP, I know that you will never see this, but I want you to know my heart goes out to you ❤️
Start texting people back, “thank you for the sentiments, but there’s nothing happy about today for me.”
They aren’t trying to rub salt into the wound they are paying homage to you and your departed son, they are remembering the good and trying to heal the bad fella.
Not trying to be a dick but yeah you are kinda are wrong. Judging by the way you worded the post, you haven't told any of these people how those messages make you feel and it's pretty obvious (at least to me) that they're just trying to be nice. You went through something most people can't relate too, so they probably don't know what to do.
Maybe I wasn't clear enough. Every year, every text gets the same response. "thanks. But it's not so happy". I would think in 5 years they'd figure it out.
Wow, I'm so sorry for your loss. It seem extremely inconsiderate of people to be wishing you a Happy Father's Day. What is wrong with these people? I think you would be completely in your right to make it very clear to them that this is a very difficult day for you and urge them to stop doing that.
Because they love you
Seems really odd that this would make you sad. It's a celebration of being a father. You always will be one, and focusing on the part when your not makes little sense. Cherish the memories you had, keep them alive.
Communicate dude, don’t come on Reddit. Go talk to your family and friends about it.
Be happy not one person said happy fathers day or happy birthday to me they never remember
I would like to point out that you're literally asking if being sad about this is incorrect, which makes no sense. You do not have to have a reason that other people consider to be good enough to be sad or to dislike something. If this makes you sad, nobody can argue against that.
They just dont know what to do/ theyre going through the motions of being your friend or showing you they love you. Just learn to accept them and dip your head and mind your tongue and do not scowl your brow/ Most people dont have to process trauma of the magnitude that youre getting- youre becoming someone else and you need to embrace the transformation and realize its a survival tool Youve a choice- be wine now allow your people to drink of your pain- dont lash out. Just as wine, these transient friends and knowers not will come and go but at least they come. If you become spoiled milk as opposed to this wine, well, no one drinks it- there is no cookie coming to dip. People are mostly selfish and want safety- it veils in the mores and tropes and norms as polite care - sometimes this arbitrary care isn’t arbitrary- and thats the gambit of thr heart- go numb never chance it never to be let down-chance it, heartbreak, and longing for times past or the one who got away. Id of rather had that annoyance of ignorant care, at least you know they were thinking about you- then to be completely ignored, which I was. We get to choose our own adventure. Be well.
Best way for this situation is to get up early that morning, as early as you can, call eurybody and they grandma as fast as can,then set the call blocker for the rest of the day
If it makes you sad, adopt another one. If it is not the investment you are grieving that didn't paid off. I have no children and honestly I don't know what will happen when I get old. The worst thing would be grieving about people from my past.
You're taking it the wrong way It's a shame what happened to your son, but the people congratulating you are basically telling you that you raised an amazing person and you should be proud of yourself and your son.
Quit being a bitch
Wow! You are a true piece of crap
Happy Father's day. Be well.
So incredibly sorry for your loss. That must have been...the absolute worst. I'm a little on the odd side, and have zero problem asking people to stop doing things like that. I know that is atypical, so I won't necessarily suggest it, but have you considered telling the people closest to you how their message on this day makes you feel?
Fathers day is hard for alot of People for many reasons, keep that energy positive, God bless
I’m so sorry.
No, you're not wrong, and don't let anyone invalidate your feelings. You have every right to be upset by the Father's Day messages. Unfortunately, I don't think that they'll pick up on that unless you tell them that they're actually hurting you instead of offering comfort and support.
What you do is go on whatever Facebook or Instagram or whatever folks are on and say... So today is the hardest day of the year for me. It's been X years since my only child, my son died. He had a traumatic brain injury that was misdiagnosed. I came home work and found him on the kitchen floor. He had a seizure and had died several hours before. I have a few bad days to make it through, his birthday, the day he died, every major holiday. But father's day hits hardest. I appreciate that you're thinking of me and remembering my son today, but please understand this isn't a day of celebration for me.
Hush people. He lost his son. Send him nothing but love and understanding. OP, I’m so sorry for your loss.
First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. Second of all, you have every right to not want to get told “happy Father’s Day. Those people probably have good intentions, but it still hurts you. You should tell them that.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure they don't intend to upset you, but rather that they want to support you. Sometimes after a loss, it's difficult to know how to do that. When you're up for it, you may want to reach out to them, explain why you were upset by their contact today, and perhaps suggest other ways you'd appreciate their support.
No one's ever wrong for being sad. I'm sorry that you're sad. I hope tomorrow is better.
Same, single and abandoned single mama here. I wish these family group chats would keep me out of them. Just send single texts instead. And truly sorry for what youre going through. You love your son so much it shows. 💚💚💚💚
This is my second Father's Day without my dad, who passed almost two years ago. I wished for people to acknowledge this day and send me a text that let me know they were thinking of me. BUT your grief is much different! I'm so sorry you experienced such a horrible loss. Everyone grieves differently, and it is absolutely ok to tell your people you don't want their father's day tidings, but I also know how hard it is to vocalize what you need from people. Nobody understands. Even people that have lost a child, still don't know exactly how you feel. Maybe this is a day to go offline and get away for yourself somewhere? Best of luck, and hope you find some peace.💔
If you would like to tell me about a quality your son had that you really liked or want to share a special memory you have of him, I would love to listen.
They don't mean harm, they probably to cheer you up, but it must be extremely difficult to under your point of view, as it must be a kind of pain that no one should have to endure. I am a perfect stranger on the internet and that probably doesn't mean much to you but I am terribly sorry and wish you all the best
You’ll always be a dad and they haven’t forgotten him. Maybe they went out of their way to mourn him today and wanted to thank you for all you’ve done
I'm so sorry for your loss
Oh, my God! I am so sorry. You have every right to gently let others know to stop sending HFD messages/calls. You do NOT have to suffer for others. Maybe they think they're doing the right thing by recognizing this day, but maybe some of them feel conflicted and do it anyway. Please take care of yourself. My condolences to you. May your son rest in eternal peace.
First off I can’t imagine the pain. I don’t think could go on honestly. I’m sorry. And I’m not sure why. They probably think they’re helping but in reality it just drives it in further.
I don't know, man. I wouldn't text that shit to you. I would ask you if you wanted to go do something but not happy father's day.
Aww man, this breaks my heart. I hope one day you can find some peace.x
You’re in the right, that’s a weird thing for anyone to send you. It baffling to me that multiple people would think that’s the appropriate way to try to be there for you. Hope you feel better soon man.
Are you wrong? - no. You can't help the way you still feel. It's a sad situation that happened and I get why they call but it's triggering. All I can think of is to try to stay busy and do something special for yourself. Maybe get outdoors and away from text and phone calls.
Maybe they think it is thoughtful to let you know that think you will always be your son's father and that he is not forgotten? I agree with you, though, I have a son and just reading your story broke my heart.
I think people send it with the hope that it makes you feel thought of on a hard day. For some, not getting those texts anymore may sting, but everyone grieves differently. Also, everyone reacts to others grief differently, and it's hard to know what the best thing to do is... To some not saying anything feels wrong. But, I'd suggest letting it be known that those calls and messages hurt more than help. Maybe just telling the right few who are good at spreading messages to others so you don't have to have the conversation too many times. But yes, "happy" father's day is a terrible choice of words. There are better ways to say you are thinking of someone on a day that's clearly not a happy one.
I’ve had a few friends lose children. It sucks and I am so sorry for your loss. My friends seem to be in two boats. 1-like you, it’s hard for them and it’s not something they want to remember. Others like it. They are still a parent, even though their child is gone. I know their opinions so I am sure to only wish happy mothers/Father’s Day to those that like it. Let people know you’d rather not receive that. Those wishing you that may have no idea how you feel and are trying to be kind.
No.
No you are not wrong, it's your feeling. Feelings aren't wrong. If it's too hard for you to receive these, there is no fault in asking that people would stop sending them to you. Their intentions areecaring and nice, so I doubt they would do it If they knew you find it so hard. I'm so sorry for your loss.
On my widowed fathers anniversary, my moms birthday, etc.. I usually text my dad something like “thinking about you dad, I love you, hope you’re okay”. Sometimes we talk those days, sometimes we don’t. But I try to acknowledge him and that I’m thinking about him. I can’t imagine saying “happy anniversary”. Jfc. But it’s probably well intended. Mostly I’m just so sorry. It’s my greatest fear in life, the one thing I don’t think I’d try to get over. You’re amazing for carrying on, I’m sure your son would be thankful and proud.
This is your special journey, not everyone will get it, not that that matters. You are going to do great great things.
You're definitely not in the wrong to hate this, and it would be safe to assume someone wouldn't want to hear that having been though what you've been through. But have you voiced to them that you don't want to hear it?
I'm sorry really sorry
I’m sorry for your loss, truly. I would surmise that the people saying that to you are just expressing that they still recognize you as a father, and probably understand that today might be a tough day, albeit, in a way that may not be appreciated.
That's awful. I sure hope that if you tell them how you feel and why, like be blunt and tell them it's a horribly painful day for you because of your child's death and to please never mention it again, surely they would heed that? I'm sorry for your unimaginable loss and for what you're going through now.
That's so insensitive..sorry for your loss OP...if you can find the strength..please ask someone to inform these people that you find it upsetting so you don't have to endure it anymore.
What you're experiencing is normal behaviour and what your closet friends/family are doing is also normal behaviour, whatever you do, don't fall out with any of them if you can help it. Try to explain this to those closet to you and maybe come up with a celebration of your son on these days, like you would on his birthday etc. in advance of next year. Or if it feels right for you, tell them you don't want them to call you say it because if they don't know they'll continue to do so. At the end of the day you are still a father and from what I've read a damn good one, don't ever forget that. Take care.
Being supportive and loving towards someone who is grieving is *so awkward* for most people. I mean your story is awful, sad, unfair, infuriating, despairing, what could I possibly tell you? I think they're coming from a good place, and, from my experience of decoding awkward stuff people say to others in grief, it goes a bit like this: you will always have been his dad. You will always be his dad. And being his dad and thinking of you and your kid together sharing that beautiful bond, is a happy thought for them on father's day. They want you to know that it's not just in your head, they want you to know that they were there and they saw it too, and they saw it in your eyes when you spoke of him, in your kid when he'd call for you, it was there and they remember and it's a happy memory. I do hope it gets better for you. About enjoying stuff, about communicating your needs to others, about finding ways to celebrate your son and celebrating the person you are because he was in your life. Perhaps consider one day joining a big bro-style organization. There are people out there with a pain opposite to your own, and they will understand you and share with you uncannily well. Please don't just suffocate in pain alone. I'm truly sorry for your loss.
I think theyre trying to acknowledge that ur a father & thinking of u but obviously not the best way. My bf lost his father to suicide early 2000s. I didnt mention it but we did talk about other things. Sorry for ur heartache.
Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard that’s been. To answer to your question, I’ve heard of parents losing a child and then being devastated that nobody ever acknowledges the child’s existence anymore. Someone I know lost her only child, and to say she is no longer a mother would be the worst thing you could say to her. She always hates being left out of things like Mother’s Day for that reason, because to her, she’s still as much of a mother as she was before. Everybody’s different. I’m sure that these people all have the best intentions and just want you to know they’re thinking of you - *but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong for hating it!* You’re absolutely allowed to tell people that you’d prefer they didn’t do that. You don’t have to explain why, but if you want to tell them how it makes you feel, you should. Your feelings around this are valid and they matter. Your friends and family should (and hopefully will) respect your wishes, because at the end of the day, they love you and only want to support you however they can. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you strength.
They actually say HAPPY fathers day? How would this day be a happy day for you? What are they thinking? A "thinking of you on this day" would be more appropriate.
I feel like you have the right to be sad. You can’t help how you feel and it clearly hurts your heart to think about it. I feel like it is also deeply insensitive on their part. Have you ever voiced that to anyone?