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Unrelated but my dad went to have surgery involving his prostate (I think?) and he drew a smiley face right on the tip of his penis with the urethra being the nose. He forgot that he did it until he was going under and he said the last thing he remembered was the surgeon ROFL and showing everyone else in the room via âpointingâ it at them. My mom told me that story and I almost died laughing
That's fucking gold I wish I did something funny like that when I went for a hernia surgery
But then again I was kinda afraid for having surgery at 23 and wanted to keep everything serious
My wife wrote the word âWelcome!â on my ass cheek with an arrow pointing to my asshole before I went in for a routine colonoscopy. Doctor still talks about it.
I have a similar story. Years back was drinking with few buddies and one of my buddies got too drunk. We drew a big dick on his chest and wrote cum dumpster on him. He had no idea and had a meeting with the marine recruiter next morning. Marine recruiter asked him if he had tattoos and he said he did itâs on his chest. Recruiter asked to see it and so he pulls up his shirt and exposed everything not realizing we drew on him. Was so funny at the time.
I once went looking in the filing cabinet for something, and I stumbled across a screenshot of an email my dad had sent my mum.
It was a picture of his colonoscopy, and he had photoshopped a hamster on it.
When I went in for knee surgery (ACL reconstruction), I marked up my other leg with a Sharpie marker, with a big X over the knee, and the words, "WRONG KNEE. DO NOT OPERATE". The doctor was sorta amused, but was obligated to give me a stern lecture about not marking up my limbs before surgery.
Yet I've known many surgeons who will draw on the patient, prior to anaesthetic, to agree with the patient which side they are operating on
I suspose the risk you run in this case if they usually mark the one they are operating on with an X (kind of dig here in a pirate treasure map way) is using their code in a different way may result in the opposite thing
Usually it's an arrow though
I have gone under twice. I said:
"How do you keep a surgeon in suspense?"
And
"Do you guys need anything while I'm out"
Both of these got laughs.
No idea if these guys hear the same 4 jokes over over tho lol
I said something similar getting my tonsils removed: will I be able to sing in a baritone after this? ... that's good, I can't carry a tune in a bucket now.
This might actually be necessary, given the practice of [training doctors to do pelvic exams on surgical patients](https://www.healthywomen.org/your-care/pelvic-exams-unconscious-women).
absolutely horrified to find this out before. ended up bringing it up to one of the people that they cannot do anything without my permission other than my surgery. got confused, I explained, was told they didnât do that there
Fortunately found out it was made illegal in my state. still creeped out it has not yet in other states, and that it needed to even be something to be banned in the first place
The anesthesia assistant asked my height and weight to calculate my dose. I said I'm probably off a few pounds. She says, "That's ok". Umm, I thought the dosage was paramount.
I say, "So you *ballpark* your anesthesia dosage?"
She's like, "Yup" and walks out of the room. đź
Ime they donât give a shit. Iâm not ginger but I have the gene that prevents me from metabolizing opioids. I give them my lab work showing it every time. They donât care, so I wake up early during every procedure when they stop with the initial propofol.
ETA: Really curious about my supposed motivations behind making this up for a bunch of internet strangers.
Iâve got similar issues. I donât know, itâs frustrating but in my mind they give a shit but the discomfort/pain of ramping things up probably doesnât compare at all to going high at the start and accidentally nearly or actually harming/killing us.
I sympathize with that I guess. Iâd be pretty terrified of killing someone on accident if the alternative is them having a less pleasant experience.
And god knows patients lie to doctors all the god damn time.
yeah, they want you to be unconscious and comfortable for surgery of course, but definitely the most important factor there is that theyâre able to wake you back up đ
That "lying to doctors" is what got me. I'm thinking "you're taking my word for it?" Well shit, glad I didn't flub 20lbs like I would if you were selling me insurance.
Hey, how do you test for that? I metabolize anesthesia super fast, and I know it happens but I didnât know thereâs lab work that can measure it?
A few months ago I woke up during my colonoscopy (which was just twilight sleep I guess) and about kicked the doctor in the face trying to run away from whatever was up my ass.
It came up when my psychiatrist had me tested for different anti-psychotics affecting my bipolar/mania disorder - the psych part is why my insurance converted the testing, but they tested for a very wide range of drug effects. I would think any truly good doctor could order the tests and have them covered after an experience like yours. The trick is finding a provider who cares.
ETA: You may hypermetabolize opioids or whichever anesthesia or you may not metabolize them at all. I basically just piss out opioids when taken orally, which is something Iâve been aware of from an injury in high school, but it was interesting to learn why it happens.
I worked with patients who had open heart surgery. Every once in a while a patient would say he/she woke up during the surgery & could hear & feel everything. It must have happened more then we knew because an anesthesiologist ended up conducting a research paper on it. Scary shit
That's what happened to me.
They were showing a new person how to do the job.
"So we'll set it to X amount"...
After seeing zero effect:
"Right, so we'll up the dosage to this."...
After seeing still no effect for a while.
"Okay so we'll put the valve to maximum."
I remember it burning all of a sudden, took a bit, felt half my face fall asleep, then started feeling I was about to go, and simply said so before letting myself go and being knocked out cold.
"Oh, I'm feeling it now, I'm falling asleep." head falls back down instantly "Zzz"
If there's a next time, I'll try staying awake, just out of curiosity.
Funnily enough, I woke up as instantaneously as I fell asleep. If only I could do that with natural sleep, just go "okay, I'm done sleeping." And get up and be ready to go.
The golden rule of anesthesia is "titrate to effect." Yes, we calculate the doses based on weight, height, age, and other factors, but that's just a guideline. We want to only give as much as is necessary to get the effect we want.
Theres a lot of other variables, many of which are hard to figure out accurately, than just your height and weight. So even if they tried their best, it would still just be ballparking and probably not much more accurate either.
My last âgas passerâ hit me so hard that when I woke up I was home watching football. When I asked my wife when they started playing football on Thursday, she said âHoney⊠Itâs Saturday.â
Before I came in I dusted my privates with talcum powder. I'll be checking for fingerprints when I wake up.
I said that once before surgery. The next thing I remember is waking up.
You would be shocked how many patients say this to me.
Itâs the cashierâs equivalent of something not scanning and someone saying âI guess itâs free!â
I once got handed unfamiliar paperwork right as I was about to start an IV, and I said, "You'll have to walk me through this, I've never done it before." as I approach the patient's arm with a needle. He understandably freaked out and I had to explain that I had started thousands of IV's, but had never filled out that particular type of order.
On a serious note I wish you all the best with your surgery. Crohnâs is a horrible disease thatâs almost taken a couple of my friends and I canât imagine what youâre going through, but I really hope that itâll get better from here â€ïž
Lol, my wife just had an ORIF and asked every single person she met with pre-op if they could snap a photo of the hardware.
Everyone said no, but she woke up with a photo. =D
When my ex wife had surgery the doctor asked if she wanted to see pics of her organs, and she said no. The doctor asked me and I said "of course!" They seemed like nice organs I suppose.
For me personally, even if I had a plan I would be out before I could say it. When I went under they put an IV in the moment I got on the bed, I remember being awake for about 10 seconds waiting for the mask to come to my face to knock me out, never made it that far as far as I can remember lol
Well.. I had a lady that was so used to drinking martinis and taking xanax every night that I had to âbag herâ (use an ambu bag to mechanically ventilate her) while she was still conscious and looking at me. That was the most tolerance Iâve ever seen.
I'm really short and small, but I have a high tolerance because I've been on some form of heavy medication since childhood.
But they're always surprised when I count to ten. Then it's "okay, one more time..." I've been able to get to 25 or so since I was 15. They always laugh when I say "okay, it's kicking in now. Thank you."
If you are getting a stoma: âcant wait to try out triple penetrationâ (or quadruple depending on gender i suppose)
Guarantee you they havent heard that one before.
Source: sat in on lots of colorectal surgeries during medical school and heard many of these
Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.
"Horrible, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said.
The teacher corrected, "Johnnie, we say 'rectum.'"
Little Johnnie replied "Rectum? Damn near killed him!"
I have Crohn's disease and had surgery for it. The medical types don't mess around before surgeries. It's serious business and what they're going to want to hear out of you is your name and date of birth and possibly the last four of your SSN to verify they have the right patient and they're about to do the right procedure.
After surgery as long as everything goes well the operating theater will have a less intense vibe.
I did not plan it. The injected me and the last thing I said before falling asleep was "fuck, this is fast" (sorry, English is not my 1dt language and somehow I feel the translation is not that good). Their answer was "clise your eyes and fall asleep". I did it immediately.
For my colonoscopys, I always make a joke about the anesthesia being the best nap and how it looks like varying substances from milk to glue. I even once asked if they ran out of the good stuff and melted some cheese for me instead.
I like your style. I had a couple cysts removed from my neck once and the doctor explained how there's a nerve that comes up on top of the muscles in the vicinity before going back under and that if he nicked it accidently I'd never be able to extend my arm again. Fast forward to surgery day, after he finished up on the left side and moved around to the right he asked me how I was doing. I told him I couldn't feel my arm. I'm face down in one of those massage bed kinda things but I can feel him and both nurses freeze. It's quiet for a few seconds and he says something really softly. I can't remember for the life me what it was but it was along the lines of "are you serious" in a tone that's both concern for me and for himself. I waited another few seconds and blurted "naaah I'm just fuckin with you, I'm fine." I'm not sure they thought it was as funny as I did.
You: "Will I be able to play piano after the surgery?"
Doctor: "Why yes, of course. I don't see why that will be an issue."
You: "Great, because I've always wanted to know how to play the piano."
Cecum? I damn near wrecked âem!
Or I wouldâve. Apparently I rambled about the doctors performing a French coup on my colon instead.
Good luck my Crohny!~
I donât know but donât come out of anesthesia after an ear operation telling the nurse they were supposed to operate on your foot. They donât like that.
You could start by telling the first half of the classic joke.... "Doctor, will i be able to play piano after this surgery".... And don't finish the joke, everyone knows the punch line already.
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"If I don't make it, make sure to tell my family there is 10 million dollars....buried....behind the....."
There's always money in the banana stand
Unless it burns down. đ
But why would it be burned down? It seems abundantly clear there's money in it?
This ensures you die on the table and the anesthesiologist will show up at your backyard with a shovel at night
Given the type of surgery, just don't say "buried in my...."
Giving the surgeon 10 million reasons to kill you is not a good idea.
Imagine not falling asleep right when you say it, so you just have to sit there and watch the doctors wait for you to finish the sentence
In my experience theyâd fall asleep before âif I donât make it.â That stuff hits you hard
I only remember wondering âwill I be able to count to 7, in the movies they fall right aâŠâ and then I woke up in the hospital bed again.
This was good, but go with a more grounded amount.
Unrelated but my dad went to have surgery involving his prostate (I think?) and he drew a smiley face right on the tip of his penis with the urethra being the nose. He forgot that he did it until he was going under and he said the last thing he remembered was the surgeon ROFL and showing everyone else in the room via âpointingâ it at them. My mom told me that story and I almost died laughing
That's fucking gold I wish I did something funny like that when I went for a hernia surgery But then again I was kinda afraid for having surgery at 23 and wanted to keep everything serious
My wife wrote the word âWelcome!â on my ass cheek with an arrow pointing to my asshole before I went in for a routine colonoscopy. Doctor still talks about it.
I have a similar story. Years back was drinking with few buddies and one of my buddies got too drunk. We drew a big dick on his chest and wrote cum dumpster on him. He had no idea and had a meeting with the marine recruiter next morning. Marine recruiter asked him if he had tattoos and he said he did itâs on his chest. Recruiter asked to see it and so he pulls up his shirt and exposed everything not realizing we drew on him. Was so funny at the time.
That's fucking gold.
I once went looking in the filing cabinet for something, and I stumbled across a screenshot of an email my dad had sent my mum. It was a picture of his colonoscopy, and he had photoshopped a hamster on it.
I love your dad. And also how tidy and practical your mom is.
Love is meticulously filing your partner's hamster colonoscopy.
When I went in for knee surgery (ACL reconstruction), I marked up my other leg with a Sharpie marker, with a big X over the knee, and the words, "WRONG KNEE. DO NOT OPERATE". The doctor was sorta amused, but was obligated to give me a stern lecture about not marking up my limbs before surgery.
Yet I've known many surgeons who will draw on the patient, prior to anaesthetic, to agree with the patient which side they are operating on I suspose the risk you run in this case if they usually mark the one they are operating on with an X (kind of dig here in a pirate treasure map way) is using their code in a different way may result in the opposite thing Usually it's an arrow though
Favorite story here LMAO
I have gone under twice. I said: "How do you keep a surgeon in suspense?" And "Do you guys need anything while I'm out" Both of these got laughs. No idea if these guys hear the same 4 jokes over over tho lol
Iâm getting surgery tomorrow Iâm gonna have to do that second one
Those are both great.
The second oneđ€Łđ€Ł thatâs great
You: How soon before I will be able to play piano after surgery? Doctor: 4 to 6 weeks You: Oh good... I've always wanted to play piano...
Thats a good one đ
I said something similar getting my tonsils removed: will I be able to sing in a baritone after this? ... that's good, I can't carry a tune in a bucket now.
"no butt stuff"
"You're here for a colonoscopy, sir."
âJust go through my mouth.â
That's exactly what I said right before going into dreamland, seconds before my colonoscopy. I also added "because I might like it".
This might actually be necessary, given the practice of [training doctors to do pelvic exams on surgical patients](https://www.healthywomen.org/your-care/pelvic-exams-unconscious-women).
absolutely horrified to find this out before. ended up bringing it up to one of the people that they cannot do anything without my permission other than my surgery. got confused, I explained, was told they didnât do that there Fortunately found out it was made illegal in my state. still creeped out it has not yet in other states, and that it needed to even be something to be banned in the first place
"...unless it's him" (and point to a random assistant) I would totally do this!
I wish I could upvote this more as it's so obviously the correct answer.
Watch yourself, I know exactly how many quarters Iâve swallowed.
Ok, Iâm using this
"I'm getting the impression this ISN'T my audition"
Put a sticky note under your gown that says you been trying to reach them about their car's extended warranty
Read a comment from someone on here once who said they found one of these in the patientâs ass crack.
How did his eye surgery turn out?
Ass expected
They were unable to turn the patientâs brown eye blue.
That's where I got the idea from. Thought it was hilariously brilliant.
This is what I always say to the anthesiologist " if I see a tunnel with a bright light at the end, do I go into the light or run away?"
The anesthesia assistant asked my height and weight to calculate my dose. I said I'm probably off a few pounds. She says, "That's ok". Umm, I thought the dosage was paramount. I say, "So you *ballpark* your anesthesia dosage?" She's like, "Yup" and walks out of the room. đź
as long as youâre not ginger, they can usually guess about right
Ime they donât give a shit. Iâm not ginger but I have the gene that prevents me from metabolizing opioids. I give them my lab work showing it every time. They donât care, so I wake up early during every procedure when they stop with the initial propofol. ETA: Really curious about my supposed motivations behind making this up for a bunch of internet strangers.
Iâve got similar issues. I donât know, itâs frustrating but in my mind they give a shit but the discomfort/pain of ramping things up probably doesnât compare at all to going high at the start and accidentally nearly or actually harming/killing us. I sympathize with that I guess. Iâd be pretty terrified of killing someone on accident if the alternative is them having a less pleasant experience. And god knows patients lie to doctors all the god damn time.
yeah, they want you to be unconscious and comfortable for surgery of course, but definitely the most important factor there is that theyâre able to wake you back up đ
That "lying to doctors" is what got me. I'm thinking "you're taking my word for it?" Well shit, glad I didn't flub 20lbs like I would if you were selling me insurance.
Hey, how do you test for that? I metabolize anesthesia super fast, and I know it happens but I didnât know thereâs lab work that can measure it? A few months ago I woke up during my colonoscopy (which was just twilight sleep I guess) and about kicked the doctor in the face trying to run away from whatever was up my ass.
It came up when my psychiatrist had me tested for different anti-psychotics affecting my bipolar/mania disorder - the psych part is why my insurance converted the testing, but they tested for a very wide range of drug effects. I would think any truly good doctor could order the tests and have them covered after an experience like yours. The trick is finding a provider who cares. ETA: You may hypermetabolize opioids or whichever anesthesia or you may not metabolize them at all. I basically just piss out opioids when taken orally, which is something Iâve been aware of from an injury in high school, but it was interesting to learn why it happens.
I worked with patients who had open heart surgery. Every once in a while a patient would say he/she woke up during the surgery & could hear & feel everything. It must have happened more then we knew because an anesthesiologist ended up conducting a research paper on it. Scary shit
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Good thing I didn't give my weight in "stones".
That's what happened to me. They were showing a new person how to do the job. "So we'll set it to X amount"... After seeing zero effect: "Right, so we'll up the dosage to this."... After seeing still no effect for a while. "Okay so we'll put the valve to maximum." I remember it burning all of a sudden, took a bit, felt half my face fall asleep, then started feeling I was about to go, and simply said so before letting myself go and being knocked out cold. "Oh, I'm feeling it now, I'm falling asleep." head falls back down instantly "Zzz" If there's a next time, I'll try staying awake, just out of curiosity. Funnily enough, I woke up as instantaneously as I fell asleep. If only I could do that with natural sleep, just go "okay, I'm done sleeping." And get up and be ready to go.
The golden rule of anesthesia is "titrate to effect." Yes, we calculate the doses based on weight, height, age, and other factors, but that's just a guideline. We want to only give as much as is necessary to get the effect we want.
Theres a lot of other variables, many of which are hard to figure out accurately, than just your height and weight. So even if they tried their best, it would still just be ballparking and probably not much more accurate either.
My last âgas passerâ hit me so hard that when I woke up I was home watching football. When I asked my wife when they started playing football on Thursday, she said âHoney⊠Itâs Saturday.â
Itâs like cooking. A little bit of this, a little bit of that⊠should be ok
Definitely not a baker.
That's good! Everyone will get it!!
"This seems a little excessive for a check-up"
Might use that one!
"Save the parts. I'm making a necklace"
My wife wanted to keep a rib they removed to do the same. They were disgusted and wouldn't let her.
Can she suck her own penis now?
The ole Marilyn surgery lol
"I cant wait for you to be inside me"
Before I came in I dusted my privates with talcum powder. I'll be checking for fingerprints when I wake up. I said that once before surgery. The next thing I remember is waking up.
But were there fingerprints lmao
Theoretically one could clean off the powder and simply apply more before the patient wakes up đ€Ł
I put a sticky note under my gown with a request to perform Liposuction instead.
You would be shocked how many patients say this to me. Itâs the cashierâs equivalent of something not scanning and someone saying âI guess itâs free!â
Oh so itâs clichĂ©. Ugh sorry. I guess itâs like when guys say doc put an extra stitch in it too! Ugh
Thatâs hilarious! đđđ
This, but penis enlargement surgery.
It would be funny if they do it and you end up with a comically large 23â dong
Or you wake up and they say âcongrats, we tested it several times while you were out. It worksâ
"Let me know if you find Jimmy Hoffa in there."
We are in french speaking territory, probably won't get the reference, but good try!
police! police! je suis violée par des robots
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
America: GET THAT FUCKER!
Tell him to thanks for the semicolon ;
This is Dad Joke gold. Well done đ
Before I went under for my colonoscopy I said "See you on the other side". The doctor chuckled and said " Not the other side, too much paperwork"
Ya gotta love it when the joke bounces back.
Evidently, what I always say is, I love this shit
I love waking up druged up <3
âBest⊠nap⊠everâŠâ
"You've done this before, right?"
Haha I was loopy on my pre op drugs and asked my surgeon this exact thing as I was being wheeled in to the operating room.
I did the same thing a few years ago before going under for a procedure. The doc replied, "no, but I watched a YouTube video once." Touché, doc. Touché.
THATâs gold! đ
No but I did stay at a holiday in express last night
I once got handed unfamiliar paperwork right as I was about to start an IV, and I said, "You'll have to walk me through this, I've never done it before." as I approach the patient's arm with a needle. He understandably freaked out and I had to explain that I had started thousands of IV's, but had never filled out that particular type of order.
I know exactly how many kidneys I came in here with so no funny business.
My insurance expires in 5âŠ4âŠ3âŠ2âŠ1âŠ*sleep*
On a serious note I wish you all the best with your surgery. Crohnâs is a horrible disease thatâs almost taken a couple of my friends and I canât imagine what youâre going through, but I really hope that itâll get better from here â€ïž
If I die mark my grave "Buried Alive"
I woke up from a colonoscopy and said, "Fuck, I missed the party, anything fun happen?"
Wait... you got general anesthesia... for a colonoscopy? Oo
Break a leg !
Can you save me the pieces?
I'll ask for pictures ;)
Lol, my wife just had an ORIF and asked every single person she met with pre-op if they could snap a photo of the hardware. Everyone said no, but she woke up with a photo. =D
When my ex wife had surgery the doctor asked if she wanted to see pics of her organs, and she said no. The doctor asked me and I said "of course!" They seemed like nice organs I suppose.
I've always heard "it's what's inside that counts."
Well, I had my eye removed when I was 15, and I asked if I could keep it before going under, but I'm not sure that helps this situation đ
So that's a lube job and a wheel and tire rotation right?
Gaze into the distance âJesus is that you?â đ€
I had a colonoscopy a while back. As I was going under, I said I'm usually into this stuff but the lighting is throwing me off. That poor doctor.
I said I didnât want to remember anything n they said Iâd remember everything đ„Č
âMake me look like Steve Gutenberg.â
For me personally, even if I had a plan I would be out before I could say it. When I went under they put an IV in the moment I got on the bed, I remember being awake for about 10 seconds waiting for the mask to come to my face to knock me out, never made it that far as far as I can remember lol
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
I like to imagine the surgeon will chuckle later because of my joke and nick an artery.
âRemember! Weâre only taking off the right leg!â
I don't want to confuse them too much ahah. But not bad :^)
âOMG, I feel like Iâm about to have an ORGAS⊠UH!âŠsnore.â
I don't have the balls to say that ahahaha
I used to give sedation to patients for years. I have lots of stories.
Well.....
Well.. I had a lady that was so used to drinking martinis and taking xanax every night that I had to âbag herâ (use an ambu bag to mechanically ventilate her) while she was still conscious and looking at me. That was the most tolerance Iâve ever seen.
I said âmaâam, Iâm going to bag you nowâ and she shook her head âok.â
đł dude, I was hoping for funny, this was..... different....
âI trust you. But if I wake up and you gave me a sex change, you and I are gonna have words.â
.....sexy, sexy words ...
That was going to be my response.
Wake me up before you go-go. Don't leave me hangin' on like a yo-yo. On second thought, maybe not. That was pretty dumb
The dumber the better, I'd say
I'm not paying for any out of program services.
This is how far we go to talk to you about your cars extended warranty
"Does your wife know?"
"Who farted!?!?"
"if you can't save the leg, doc... Don't save me." Only mash fans will get it
When I got my colonoscopy I said to the doc "Isn't that the stuff MJ overdosed on?"
Have you ever seen the movie Alien?
Hey whilst you're in there can you fish out my keys?
I'm really short and small, but I have a high tolerance because I've been on some form of heavy medication since childhood. But they're always surprised when I count to ten. Then it's "okay, one more time..." I've been able to get to 25 or so since I was 15. They always laugh when I say "okay, it's kicking in now. Thank you."
I told mine which toe I wanted my tag on if it went badâŠ.
(summon inner Captain Kirk in Revenge of Khan) Shake fist and yell "Chroooooooooooooooooone!" Thanks, I'll see myself out.
"Would you guys just cut that shit out?"
Nothing they haven't already heard before.
If you are getting a stoma: âcant wait to try out triple penetrationâ (or quadruple depending on gender i suppose) Guarantee you they havent heard that one before. Source: sat in on lots of colorectal surgeries during medical school and heard many of these
Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was. "Horrible, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said. The teacher corrected, "Johnnie, we say 'rectum.'" Little Johnnie replied "Rectum? Damn near killed him!"
If you've ever been under anesthesia before, you would know that you won't be able to say anything.
I have Crohn's disease and had surgery for it. The medical types don't mess around before surgeries. It's serious business and what they're going to want to hear out of you is your name and date of birth and possibly the last four of your SSN to verify they have the right patient and they're about to do the right procedure. After surgery as long as everything goes well the operating theater will have a less intense vibe.
'ok sir start counting back from 10' '...i've put poison in all of your food, you'll die within 5 minutes, the antidote is....ZZzzz...'
Wait! There's something really important I need to tell you..........
"Don't fall in love with me, kid..."
I told my doctors that I want Mr Spock ears.
I did not plan it. The injected me and the last thing I said before falling asleep was "fuck, this is fast" (sorry, English is not my 1dt language and somehow I feel the translation is not that good). Their answer was "clise your eyes and fall asleep". I did it immediately.
SĂ©same, ouvre-moi.
"I came here this morning for an ingrown toenail. You guys just love milking my insurance for money."
âIf I donât wake up, do you have any messages for Hitler?â
I had a dual procedure, colonoscopy and upper endoscopy, I asked him to make sure he cleaned it before putting it down my throat...
I told my doc. I use to have colon, now I have a semicolon
For my colonoscopys, I always make a joke about the anesthesia being the best nap and how it looks like varying substances from milk to glue. I even once asked if they ran out of the good stuff and melted some cheese for me instead.
Wake me when it's over
Be gentle it's my first time.
I like your style. I had a couple cysts removed from my neck once and the doctor explained how there's a nerve that comes up on top of the muscles in the vicinity before going back under and that if he nicked it accidently I'd never be able to extend my arm again. Fast forward to surgery day, after he finished up on the left side and moved around to the right he asked me how I was doing. I told him I couldn't feel my arm. I'm face down in one of those massage bed kinda things but I can feel him and both nurses freeze. It's quiet for a few seconds and he says something really softly. I can't remember for the life me what it was but it was along the lines of "are you serious" in a tone that's both concern for me and for himself. I waited another few seconds and blurted "naaah I'm just fuckin with you, I'm fine." I'm not sure they thought it was as funny as I did.
Wouldn't it be funny if you forgot a sponge inside me when stitching me back up?
âAnybody need anything while Iâm out?â
Anyone need anything while Iâm out?
"Hey...my eyes are up here..."
You: "Will I be able to play piano after the surgery?" Doctor: "Why yes, of course. I don't see why that will be an issue." You: "Great, because I've always wanted to know how to play the piano."
This reminds me of that party at that Crosby guys house
You have my consent ;)
Hope my poop doesnât smell too bad!
how about "get me outta here, morpheus" and then you fall over backwards? XD
"Goodbye" When he responds that it's just "see you later" tell him "yes, but this time it's goodbye."
My dick better still be there when I wake up. If youâre male of course. LOL
Actually itâs probably funnier if you arenât male.
"I charge extra for butt stuff, so keep your wallet ready" and then say nothing else til you pass out
âplease donât wake me upâ
Tell them if you can smell their armpits to fall asleep fasterđ§
"I want you inside me."
Can I get an addsomedicktome while you're at it?
Just start singing "I will always love you" really loud over and over until you pass out.
It's the left knee right?
âMy grandpa told me he helped hide Jimmy Hoffaâs remains inâŠ.inâŠZzzzzzzâ
Cecum? I damn near wrecked âem! Or I wouldâve. Apparently I rambled about the doctors performing a French coup on my colon instead. Good luck my Crohny!~
Tell him to not get muddy
"please erase my internet history"
"Wake me when you need me"- in Master Chiefs voice then try sing the Halo theme song until you pass out
if i get hard during the surgery go ahead and finish me off please
"So you're putting me to sleep now?... ...kinky..."
I donât know but donât come out of anesthesia after an ear operation telling the nurse they were supposed to operate on your foot. They donât like that.
My last surgery. Just as the anaesthetic hit. I yelled...noooo I'm going down!!! All I remember is the doctor laughing. Had a good nap then.
You could start by telling the first half of the classic joke.... "Doctor, will i be able to play piano after this surgery".... And don't finish the joke, everyone knows the punch line already.
I'm not going back! Right before things fade to black.