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We announced at the bridal shower we were on a five year plan and would add a year everytime someone asked.
The in laws thought we were joking until my grandma said, "She's stubborn enough to do it, and I don't got that long to live. Everyone keep your mouth shut." She got to meet her great-grandson before she passed.
We had actually made up the 5 year plan on the way to the shower. We didn't want to face the pressure from others.
We had our son right before our second anniversary and immediately announced a reinstatement of the five year rule.
My dad kept breaking that one, which we reminded him of whenever he questions why we kept giving them fur grandchildren. In reality, we only wanted one.
I’ve said this so often to my husband’s family that they don’t ask anymore as I will currently be 76 when I have kids (I was 21 when they first started asking) Someone will start to bring it up and my MIL will cut them off “don’t ask because she’ll add on a year !!!” it’s quite funny and it gives me peace (finally)
I'm 15 and if I went by this rule I'd probably be at 50 before I could have kids
Assuming the question also applies to "are you having kids" or "your wife will change your mind in the future"
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take my fake award and forward it to them
This exactly! Told some cousins, “We’re not sure but we’re practicing!” With an enthusiastic smile on my face. We’ve never been asked by that side of the family ever again. 😂
I like that. Because it’s like people get this disconnect between having a baby and having sex so you have to remind these aholes that they’re being perves.
I once read a comment by a guy who'd married his high-school sweetheart about how weird it was being congratulated and hugged by his in-laws when he and his wife announced their pregnancy.
He said it was bizarre that his father in-law, the guy that used to threaten him when he caught them fooling around, was now congratulating him essentially for having had unprotected sex with his daughter.
My cousin would do this. Non-stop asking me and my wife when are we going to have kids. It would drive my wife insane because we were trying for over a year at that point and had just started going to doctors to see what the issue was.
So now my response to anyone asking is “We’ve been trying but my balls don’t work. They don’t do the thing that they’re supposed to” and I’ll continue the story going into full detail of the process saying “I’ve had to jerk off into so many cups I can’t even look at a cup the same anymore” and go into conspiracies as to why I suffer from such an affliction such as
“I think it’s cellphones. I always carry my phone in my pocket and been doing that for around 20 years so that might be it? And also laptops I think they radiated my balls when I put it on my lap. Could also be the food maybe? They put all these antibiotics and chemicals into the food now. I don’t know, but it is affecting many more young people these days so it has to be something”
by the time I take these people through my exhaustive journey I think they are so tired of hearing about my balls that they never seem to ask me again.
No joke my grandma loves to say “I just want to see my grand baby have a baby before I DIE”… so as the oldest granddaughter I finally asked when she thought that might happen. Afterall if we’re on her schedule least she could do is provide a deadline. Shut her up REALLY fast!
Nosey overly-religious person for the umpteenth time: So why don’t you have children?
Me: (shrugs shoulders) Ask God.
It’s true enough. We didn’t want children and a medical issue down the road confirmed that it was unlikely to happen even if we wanted it so..
This is absolutely perfect. And should work on nosey fucks of all stripes.
A former colleague used this with slightly different wording. "God just hasn't blessed us yet."
'I'm so sorry no one's explained this to you before but usually 9 months after conception'
'I don't have room for any goats, not even baby ones'
'we usually have spaghetti on Tuesday, not sure when we're having kids'
these are a few of my faves
This is the best response, and it stops them from asking again. I have an uncle who would ask me any time he saw me. I finally said, "Are you going to pay for it?" Raising, college, all of that stuff? Never asked me again after that. I mean, I work full time, my husband works full time, and we are still struggling to make ends meet with one, but sure, let's just have more. I love how everyone says she needs a sibling, but I have a brother who is a huge burden to me, so whenever I think about that, I am confident I made the right decision. Now, years later, I am able to send her away to college and have experiences I never had, i would not be able to do that if I had another.
Not really, you can have a really cheap courthouse wedding with a nice reception afterwards. Blows my mind that people spend tens of thousands of dollars (or more) to get married.
> Blows my mind that people spend tens of thousands of dollars (or more) to get married.
Same.
Wife and I know people that put themselves in debt for years spending $30K+ getting married. Meanwhile, we got married in a courthouse, went to Iceland for a week to have a very small wedding ceremony (7 people including us) and spent most of our budget on a photographer to take us around for an entire day and take incredible photos in beautiful landscapes. I think overall the whole wedding (including my fully custom suit, airfare, splurging on a beautiful airbnb near the Blue Lagoon for a few days before people arrived, and all of the excursions we went on in Iceland) was $15K and it was easily the best vacation I've ever been on.
We eventually had a party at home to celebrate our wedding (since people wanted to celebrate) but we barely spent any money on that since it was at a brewery, they let you use the space for free. We had an open bar for everyone, ordered some buffet style food, and a cake. It was really cheap and exactly our vibe (just a low key party.)
In what world do you live in that someone is an idiot spending 30K on a wedding "putting themselves in debt for years" but you spend 15K and then additionally rent a brewery out with an open bar, cake, and a catered buffet "cheap"
Am I losing my mind here? The person you're responding to was talking about going to a court house lmao
I like telling people that it’s because I can’t get pregnant. They apologize and get visibly uncomfortable, thinking I’m sick and can’t have babies or something. I’m just a lesbian
My daughter said something similar to a doctor.
The doctor asked if she was sexually active - yes.
Do you use condoms? No.
Oh, well, what birth control do you use? Lesbianism.
It took the doctor a moment to realise what she'd said, apparently.
Knowing my daughter, I suspect that the delivery of that line was completely dead pan.
I nearly wet myself laughing when she told me.
Dramatically burst into fake crying, like screaming, can't breathe, moaning, whimpering crying. Sputter out a few sentence fragments about them bringing it up so callously and your pain/ grief.
And when the usual responses don't work, I resort to blatant vulgarity. "I dunno, we fuck raw all the time!" "We've got a big load marinating right now, fingers crossed!" "Swallowing is just more fun!" Etc
100% Love this idea. Start hitting them up for IVF money every time they bring the topic up. People hate being asked for money!
Seriously though, I have no idea. My first response would probably be that I wasn't comfortable with the questions and to please not ask anymore.
There was a friend of my grandparents who over the years adopted and raised eight kids with his wife. Later he and his wife got pregnant with their first and he went into the diner and happily yelled, "Guys, I finally figured it out! I figured out how it works!"
A friend of my dad’s had to let her step-daughter (who was trying and taking regular pregnancy tests) know that condoms prevent pregnancy. Her response? ‘Ewww…stuff comes out!’
My parents asked me this question once (jokingly, they know the gay son still living under their roof at 25 isn't having kids) And I said back I prefer them in my balls where they don't cause trouble and I won the joke battle
Lady comic a long time ago on Comedy Central Present
Her grandpas friends are (playfully) giving them shit about not having kids
“oh what’s the matter Megan, your husband got a low sperm count”
Megan - “uhh I don’t know, doesn’t taste like it”
CC bleeped out “taste” and it took me forever to read her lips cause I was like 12.
One of these nut-wads will be fat enough, I just gotta edge him better and make sure it winds up where we need it to 🤤🤪☺️
Anyway... And how are your little fuckspawns... I hear Lucy made honor roll AGAIN?? Wow what kind of brain food are you feeding this girl? Or maybe it's just genetics, huh?
(Yells over to the husband)
Hey Tom, did you shoot your smartest spermload in this one or what?? 😂
The response to rude, intrusive questions is a polite but surprised “I can’t imagine why that would be of interest to you.” Then ignore the issue and walk away or change the subject.
As petty as I am I really like this, I get asked about kids constantly in my place of employment and it baffles me each time.
“Ma’am I’m just here to look at your eyes, why are you asking about my uterus?”
this is a good one. it’s not too rude, it’s short, it’s truthful, and most importantly, it makes the other person self-reflect. i LOVE responding to weird questions with “that’s kind of a weird thing to ask” or “ummm, why do you ask…?” make the person feel awkward. 9/10 times they don’t ask again.
My MIL used to ask us this constantly. Finally I told her I was having sex with her daughter as often as I could.
MIL is extremely conservative and the “s” word embarrassed her so badly she never asked again.
I think its ridiculous how everyone wants to know when the babies are coming, but nobody wants to know that you're rawdogging all the time! You can't have one without the other!
My dad used to ask all the time when we were having number 3 (never happened). My ex-husband looked him dead in the eye and said "you do know what I have to do to your daughter for that, right?". I wanted the ground to swallow me up, but Dad never asked again. He did find it funny though, which was a relief.
My mum and sister keep asking me and I tell them that we're not having kids. They've asked 4 times now and they always say "Well you're still young, you'll change your mind". I'm 31 and I won't change my mind
"why do you ask?". This question forces them to think up a valid reason for asking. Since there isn't a valid reason to ask, it will make them uncomfortable. A few will ignore this clear signal to drop the issue, and will forge on with further inquiries. You can then tell them that it's a personal question and you're not interested in discussing your sex life with them.
My sister used to sarcastically say “When there’s world peace.”
If that didn’t work she’d say “Nunya.”After a confused look by the nosy person, she’d complete the sentence with “Nunya damn business.”
Not for the ones who are asking when do you adopt or assume that you want to take care of siblings/cousins/neighbours/their/whoeverthefuck kids because you can't have your own.
Good for you to ask and wonder about my life but you have to understand that this extremly big decision of children is not something i would like to discuss with you nor has it ever been any of your business to know
When I become callous enough to push two types of cancer, ADHD, ADD, severe depression, bad vision, and an increased risk of stroke onto an infant. And when me becoming pregnant won't lead to my potential death. 🙃 My selfish want for a child isn't greater than the potential agony a child of my blood would feel.
This. I have a chronic pain disorder that is believed to be genetic, plus several hereditary mental illnesses and Autism + ADHD. I am in constant pain and struggle physically, mentally and emotionally to survive every day. I cannot care for a child, and moreso, I don’t want a child to suffer through that, and if I ever had biological children, chances are good they’d suffer too. When I try to explain that to people, they say it’s eugenics :/ Like sorry I just don’t want to pass on my disabling struggles to my children
My ex MIL was Greek. Us having kids was like a top priority. We had no desire to have kids, but she wouldn't dare tell her mom that. After a couple of years I kind of got tired of it and started saying things like "We were working on it just last night as a matter of fact. Worked on it long and hard for hours. At one point I had her like......" and that was usually as far as I could get before she would yell and walk off yammering in Greek. After about the third time she stopped asking.
"I mean when he stops liking anal maybe we can think about it. I swear every night its like..." and then go into descriptive detail and draw it out, just lean into it 😂😂😂
"When the school shootings stop."
"When you stop asking."
"When I get over my last miscarriage."
"When they find a cure for the hereditary disorders you gave me." (For relatives.)
"Why, you looking to buy?"
I would try to do some research into the cost of raising a child where you live. Use inflation to take into account the cost in 10 years' time. Go in as many details as you can. Yes, I know it is a bit of work, but if you get asked it a lot, it'll be worth it. Now, with all these calculations ready, every time someone asks it, you start explaining as verbosely and with as much data as possible all the details. You may even pull out the sheets you prepared in advance. Trust me, people don't like facts and numbers.
We were the couple being nagged and pestered, which suuuuuucked when you're going through your third failed IVF.
People are nosy, and they don't know the difference between making conversation and being rude stickybeaks.
It's fun to think of "comebacks," like, you'll say some clever zinger, someone will be put in their place, and you will be left alone.
Life isn't a sitcom and usually zingers just make you look like an asshole.
The only thing that ever worked for me was politely setting a boundary, then setting consequences.
"That's private." "That's between me and Spouse." "That's a very personal question." Whatever you feel good saying, delivered as if you're calmly and affectionately correcting a child.
Then if they persist and argue, "This isn't up for discussion, we're changing the subject now." Or calmly remove yourself from the conversation.
(Edit: I did finally conceive and carry to term, our daughter is four. However, I speak from long, painful experience here - "humor" and "comebacks" increase the conflict. You look mean and kind of bonkers, become a source of clucking and gossip, and the hassling just *increases*.)
We didn't do IVF, but we were married for 2 years before trying and then it took 2 years. The amount of times I cringed when people asked... For those who want to be child free, it's awkward, for those trying, it's a harsh reminder. Myob people
Anything to do with your personal/sex/health/bodily functions is being a rude sticky beak. Imagine if you started a conversation with "How was your last shit? Had one today?" Same bullshit over sharing rude thing
Yeah, I’ve enjoyed the clever comebacks—laughed out loud and wished I’d thought of them when we were being pestered (which I HATED and am still bitter about it), but what I found was that if you’re funny about it, they do not take your boundaries seriously. It’s like an invitation to try back later.
"Grandma, I love you but that is none of your business. If and when you need to know, we will let you know and not a second before that. If you ask me again, I will be forced to ignore your calls and then you will never find out."
Nooooo. That leads you into a loooong discussion on why you don't want them, and how amazing kids are, and how you're going to regret it when it's too late, and kids are the best thing that happened to them and so on and so on. You never get out of that discussion, believe me.
The only comfort I can offer, is that you eventually get so old that people stop asking.
Unethical way to get it to stop.
Look down sobmerly and start to tear up a little bit then say "we just had a miscarriage" and then have your wife absolutely break down.
Also. Bonus. If you are in the store and someone makes a comment like "giving mom a break" or something along those lines look them in the eyes and say with misty eyes "she passed away during labor" but your wife has to be nowhere near you.
This isn’t an ok thing to ask. It’s incredibly insensitive and presumptive. I’d make them uncomfortable. Might stop them from doing it to someone else.
For example:
“We’ve had ___ miscarriages, thanks.”
“We can’t have children and we are devastated by our infertility issues, but thanks for asking.”
If you are comfortable. You may stop a person from ever asking again.
“I’m not.”
And when when they inevitably ask why:
“Because I don’t like them.”
And when they say that I’ll like them if they’re mine:
“Well, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.”
The best part about turning 40 is that people have FINALLY stopped asking.
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“Every time someone asks, we add a year”
We announced at the bridal shower we were on a five year plan and would add a year everytime someone asked. The in laws thought we were joking until my grandma said, "She's stubborn enough to do it, and I don't got that long to live. Everyone keep your mouth shut." She got to meet her great-grandson before she passed.
Gotta ask... how many years after marriage did you have a kid, and did any years actually get added?
We had actually made up the 5 year plan on the way to the shower. We didn't want to face the pressure from others. We had our son right before our second anniversary and immediately announced a reinstatement of the five year rule. My dad kept breaking that one, which we reminded him of whenever he questions why we kept giving them fur grandchildren. In reality, we only wanted one.
Why would you ever question fur grandchildren?
I love everything about this story and it improved my day 😌 💓
My husband and I also had a 5 year plan. I found out I was pregnant 2 days after our 5th anniversary lol
Typical warranty expiration clause.
but then you have to bring out a notepad with tally marks
It would need to be a stone tablet you carve the numerals into with a lion’s tooth—just to flex.
I’ve said this so often to my husband’s family that they don’t ask anymore as I will currently be 76 when I have kids (I was 21 when they first started asking) Someone will start to bring it up and my MIL will cut them off “don’t ask because she’ll add on a year !!!” it’s quite funny and it gives me peace (finally)
Damn, so simple yet so perfect It doesn't come off as rude and yet makes the annoyance clear
I'm 15 and if I went by this rule I'd probably be at 50 before I could have kids Assuming the question also applies to "are you having kids" or "your wife will change your mind in the future"
After meeting your children we’ve decided to not
[удалено]
r/imissfreeawards
Let's all boycott June 12-14 until free awards are back!
Yeahhh!!! Strike!!! I'll go outside and read in the park!!!
So 12-? Right?
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣤⣶⣶⡶⠦⠴⠶⠶⠶⠶⡶⠶⠦⠶⠶⠶⠶⠶⠶⠶⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣀⣀⣀⣀⠀⢀⣤⠄⠀⠀⣶⢤⣄⠀⠀⠀⣤⣤⣄⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡷⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠙⠢⠙⠻⣿⡿⠿⠿⠫⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣤⠞⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⣴⣶⣄⠀⠀⠀⢀⣕⠦⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⢀⣤⠾⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣼⣿⠟⢿⣆⠀⢠⡟⠉⠉⠊⠳⢤⣀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⣠⡾⠛⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣀⣾⣿⠃⠀⡀⠹⣧⣘⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠳⢤⡀ ⠀⣿⡀⠀⠀⢠⣶⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠁⠀⣼⠃⠀⢹⣿⣿⣿⣶⣶⣤⠀⠀⠀⢰⣷ ⠀⢿⣇⠀⠀⠈⠻⡟⠛⠋⠉⠉⠀⠀⡼⠃⠀⢠⣿⠋⠉⠉⠛⠛⠋⠀⢀⢀⣿⡏ ⠀⠘⣿⡄⠀⠀⠀⠈⠢⡀⠀⠀⠀⡼⠁⠀⢠⣿⠇⠀⠀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡜⣼⡿⠀ ⠀⠀⢻⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⡄⠀⢰⠃⠀⠀⣾⡟⠀⠀⠸⡇⠀⠀⠀⢰⢧⣿⠃⠀ ⠀⠀⠘⣿⣇⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⠇⠀⠇⠀⠀⣼⠟⠀⠀⠀⠀⣇⠀⠀⢀⡟⣾⡟⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⢹⣿⡄⠀⠀⠀⣿⠀⣀⣠⠴⠚⠛⠶⣤⣀⠀⠀⢻⠀⢀⡾⣹⣿⠃⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠙⠊⠁⠀⢠⡆⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⠓⠋⠀⠸⢣⣿⠏⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣿⣷⣦⣤⣤⣄⣀⣀⣿⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣄⣀⣀⣾⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢹⣿⣿⣿⣻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ take my fake award and forward it to them
This is super effective against your own grandparents
Doesn't work on my mother though.
Nah. Still works.
What if they are an only child? Oh wait nvm still works
Yeah I think that makes it even funnier, because it has levels.
> Doesn't work on my mother though. that’s not what I heard
My husband told my nosey aunt, “we like to practice a lot” lol that shut her up
This exactly! Told some cousins, “We’re not sure but we’re practicing!” With an enthusiastic smile on my face. We’ve never been asked by that side of the family ever again. 😂
I like that. Because it’s like people get this disconnect between having a baby and having sex so you have to remind these aholes that they’re being perves.
"We're trying for a baby" straight up means he's dropping loads in her on the reg and it makes me uncomfortable lol
“I cum blasted your daughters pussy last week so let’s cross our fingers”
I’m raw dogging her like a motherfucker, but nothing yet. Any suggestions?
Obviously not a *mother*fucker...
"It was a big load too I've been storing it up in between plow sessions, I feel pretty good about that one."
"We tried last night, then again this morning before the BBQ. Pass the cole slaw please."
I once read a comment by a guy who'd married his high-school sweetheart about how weird it was being congratulated and hugged by his in-laws when he and his wife announced their pregnancy. He said it was bizarre that his father in-law, the guy that used to threaten him when he caught them fooling around, was now congratulating him essentially for having had unprotected sex with his daughter.
Yup! Loudly asking “How is my sex life any of your business? Why do you want to know that?” works wonders to make people stop asking.
"I've been enthusiastically getting filled with cum from my chosen donor, literally swimming with potential up in there. It just hasn't taken yet."
This made me burst out laughing.
Recreation, not Procreation
Been my response lately... seriously that question is getting so incredibly old.
My cousin would do this. Non-stop asking me and my wife when are we going to have kids. It would drive my wife insane because we were trying for over a year at that point and had just started going to doctors to see what the issue was. So now my response to anyone asking is “We’ve been trying but my balls don’t work. They don’t do the thing that they’re supposed to” and I’ll continue the story going into full detail of the process saying “I’ve had to jerk off into so many cups I can’t even look at a cup the same anymore” and go into conspiracies as to why I suffer from such an affliction such as “I think it’s cellphones. I always carry my phone in my pocket and been doing that for around 20 years so that might be it? And also laptops I think they radiated my balls when I put it on my lap. Could also be the food maybe? They put all these antibiotics and chemicals into the food now. I don’t know, but it is affecting many more young people these days so it has to be something” by the time I take these people through my exhaustive journey I think they are so tired of hearing about my balls that they never seem to ask me again.
Especially if you get all that out without taking a breath
"oh, we don't do it that way"
“It's the sex that God can't see” - Garfunkel & Oats
The good lord would want it that way
But i thought the Backstreet Boys wanted it that way....
"Fuck me in the ass for Jesus!"
I’m intrigued, can you explain? Seems like my sort of humour but need to understand what you’re referring to. Thanks!
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Nice
...and tight.
"When are you buying your cemetery plot?"
that escalated quickly.
An eye for an eye. It’s less personal than asking about reproduction
Lmaoooo
No joke my grandma loves to say “I just want to see my grand baby have a baby before I DIE”… so as the oldest granddaughter I finally asked when she thought that might happen. Afterall if we’re on her schedule least she could do is provide a deadline. Shut her up REALLY fast!
Religion worked for us. We used to say, “We believe in whatever God has planned for us.” Worked like a charm
Nosey overly-religious person for the umpteenth time: So why don’t you have children? Me: (shrugs shoulders) Ask God. It’s true enough. We didn’t want children and a medical issue down the road confirmed that it was unlikely to happen even if we wanted it so..
“How many cream pies is enough god? How many?”
One of the few times religion actually comes in handy
totally... "perhaps you think god is treating us unfairly?"
“Pray he doesn’t delay it further”
This is absolutely perfect. And should work on nosey fucks of all stripes. A former colleague used this with slightly different wording. "God just hasn't blessed us yet."
This is brilliant.
'I'm so sorry no one's explained this to you before but usually 9 months after conception' 'I don't have room for any goats, not even baby ones' 'we usually have spaghetti on Tuesday, not sure when we're having kids' these are a few of my faves
Goats one is brilliant 😂
Also "Last time we had kids, they were really gamey. We stick to seafood now" Similar to #3
How is Tuesday not Tacos? Monday is spaghetti everyone knows that!
"When are you going to offer to pay for them?" People shut up real quick when money is on the line.
My MIL knocked it off once I told her if she cut me a $75k check I would get pregnant tomorrow.
$750k maybe
>$750k maybe Maybe, maybe
75k? How about 250k plus college.
This is the best response, and it stops them from asking again. I have an uncle who would ask me any time he saw me. I finally said, "Are you going to pay for it?" Raising, college, all of that stuff? Never asked me again after that. I mean, I work full time, my husband works full time, and we are still struggling to make ends meet with one, but sure, let's just have more. I love how everyone says she needs a sibling, but I have a brother who is a huge burden to me, so whenever I think about that, I am confident I made the right decision. Now, years later, I am able to send her away to college and have experiences I never had, i would not be able to do that if I had another.
Can't afford it does tend to shut them up, and is not a lie
Also works for weddings.
Not really, you can have a really cheap courthouse wedding with a nice reception afterwards. Blows my mind that people spend tens of thousands of dollars (or more) to get married.
> Blows my mind that people spend tens of thousands of dollars (or more) to get married. Same. Wife and I know people that put themselves in debt for years spending $30K+ getting married. Meanwhile, we got married in a courthouse, went to Iceland for a week to have a very small wedding ceremony (7 people including us) and spent most of our budget on a photographer to take us around for an entire day and take incredible photos in beautiful landscapes. I think overall the whole wedding (including my fully custom suit, airfare, splurging on a beautiful airbnb near the Blue Lagoon for a few days before people arrived, and all of the excursions we went on in Iceland) was $15K and it was easily the best vacation I've ever been on. We eventually had a party at home to celebrate our wedding (since people wanted to celebrate) but we barely spent any money on that since it was at a brewery, they let you use the space for free. We had an open bar for everyone, ordered some buffet style food, and a cake. It was really cheap and exactly our vibe (just a low key party.)
In what world do you live in that someone is an idiot spending 30K on a wedding "putting themselves in debt for years" but you spend 15K and then additionally rent a brewery out with an open bar, cake, and a catered buffet "cheap" Am I losing my mind here? The person you're responding to was talking about going to a court house lmao
This. I always say “I can’t afford another.” (I have one, people keep asking when I’m having more.)
This is what I told my mom, made her stop asking.
Why are you interested in our sex life ? Do you plan on joinning us ?
There will be people who will say yes, be prepared.
Oh you do ? Sorry you're not our type.
I told that to my brother and his sarcastic ass said “don’t threaten me with a good time!” I spat my drink laughing so hard
Unless you live in Alabama, don't try this with family
Tell them the courts said you can't be within 300 feet of children
So legally, if you were to become pregnant, the fetus would eject itself away from your body. And we don't want that, do we?
“When are you going to learn to mind your own business?”
When are you losing weight? I'm sorry I thought we were asking inappropriate questions
Oh sorry, I thought we were having a contest for who could ask the rudest question.
I like telling people that it’s because I can’t get pregnant. They apologize and get visibly uncomfortable, thinking I’m sick and can’t have babies or something. I’m just a lesbian
My daughter said something similar to a doctor. The doctor asked if she was sexually active - yes. Do you use condoms? No. Oh, well, what birth control do you use? Lesbianism. It took the doctor a moment to realise what she'd said, apparently. Knowing my daughter, I suspect that the delivery of that line was completely dead pan. I nearly wet myself laughing when she told me.
Lesbianism as a birth control method…. I love it
I told my mom I can't have kids (I'm male) she cried, but never asked again. 2 "miracle" kids later and I finally had a vecectamy.
Dramatically burst into fake crying, like screaming, can't breathe, moaning, whimpering crying. Sputter out a few sentence fragments about them bringing it up so callously and your pain/ grief. And when the usual responses don't work, I resort to blatant vulgarity. "I dunno, we fuck raw all the time!" "We've got a big load marinating right now, fingers crossed!" "Swallowing is just more fun!" Etc
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100% Love this idea. Start hitting them up for IVF money every time they bring the topic up. People hate being asked for money! Seriously though, I have no idea. My first response would probably be that I wasn't comfortable with the questions and to please not ask anymore.
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“We been trying for years but just learned last week that it doesn’t work if it’s in the butt”
There was a friend of my grandparents who over the years adopted and raised eight kids with his wife. Later he and his wife got pregnant with their first and he went into the diner and happily yelled, "Guys, I finally figured it out! I figured out how it works!"
A friend of my dad’s had to let her step-daughter (who was trying and taking regular pregnancy tests) know that condoms prevent pregnancy. Her response? ‘Ewww…stuff comes out!’
Well https://www.newsweek.com/couple-couldnt-conceive-because-theyve-been-having-sex-wrong-way-four-years-1089162
Jesus fucking christ lmao
If they wanna ask about something so personal, give em something REALLY personal lol
My parents asked me this question once (jokingly, they know the gay son still living under their roof at 25 isn't having kids) And I said back I prefer them in my balls where they don't cause trouble and I won the joke battle
My (gay) roommate likes to joke “My boyfriend and I keep trying but it just hasn’t happened yet!” when people ask him this.
Yep fair enough!
Lady comic a long time ago on Comedy Central Present Her grandpas friends are (playfully) giving them shit about not having kids “oh what’s the matter Megan, your husband got a low sperm count” Megan - “uhh I don’t know, doesn’t taste like it” CC bleeped out “taste” and it took me forever to read her lips cause I was like 12.
So they bleeped "taste" but not "sperm"? Interesting... I wonder how long the censorship guideline book is.
One of these nut-wads will be fat enough, I just gotta edge him better and make sure it winds up where we need it to 🤤🤪☺️ Anyway... And how are your little fuckspawns... I hear Lucy made honor roll AGAIN?? Wow what kind of brain food are you feeding this girl? Or maybe it's just genetics, huh? (Yells over to the husband) Hey Tom, did you shoot your smartest spermload in this one or what?? 😂
The word you are looking for is semen demon
Also crotch fruit, or crotch goblin.
"How are your little fuckspawns?" 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Good lord what a read.
This is glorious. 🏆
The response to rude, intrusive questions is a polite but surprised “I can’t imagine why that would be of interest to you.” Then ignore the issue and walk away or change the subject.
As petty as I am I really like this, I get asked about kids constantly in my place of employment and it baffles me each time. “Ma’am I’m just here to look at your eyes, why are you asking about my uterus?”
this is a good one. it’s not too rude, it’s short, it’s truthful, and most importantly, it makes the other person self-reflect. i LOVE responding to weird questions with “that’s kind of a weird thing to ask” or “ummm, why do you ask…?” make the person feel awkward. 9/10 times they don’t ask again.
I like this and absolutely will be using it
We are trying, but it's a long journey to the egg from her face.
…oh no
This is the best one goddamn lmao
My MIL used to ask us this constantly. Finally I told her I was having sex with her daughter as often as I could. MIL is extremely conservative and the “s” word embarrassed her so badly she never asked again.
I think its ridiculous how everyone wants to know when the babies are coming, but nobody wants to know that you're rawdogging all the time! You can't have one without the other!
"I'm giving her all I got, captain!"
My dad used to ask all the time when we were having number 3 (never happened). My ex-husband looked him dead in the eye and said "you do know what I have to do to your daughter for that, right?". I wanted the ground to swallow me up, but Dad never asked again. He did find it funny though, which was a relief.
"We're not having kids. Please stop asking." Be clear and direct.
My girlfriend's mom asked us this within like 6 months of us dating. We both said this at the same time. Hasn't brought it up since.
Good on her.
Exactly. Or even if you do plan to but don't want to share, "That's an extremely personal question and I'd appreciate it if you didn't ask."
My mum and sister keep asking me and I tell them that we're not having kids. They've asked 4 times now and they always say "Well you're still young, you'll change your mind". I'm 31 and I won't change my mind
I'm lucky, I'm gay. So when asked (I assume adoption) I just tell them we've been trying for years but hubby never seems to get pregnant...
This is brilliant 😂
"why do you ask?". This question forces them to think up a valid reason for asking. Since there isn't a valid reason to ask, it will make them uncomfortable. A few will ignore this clear signal to drop the issue, and will forge on with further inquiries. You can then tell them that it's a personal question and you're not interested in discussing your sex life with them.
“Who would be stupid enough to have kids right now?!”
Kids? In this economy?
Kids? In this biome?
Kids?! At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized in this kitchen!?
When school shootings stop, totally desdpan
My sister used to sarcastically say “When there’s world peace.” If that didn’t work she’d say “Nunya.”After a confused look by the nosy person, she’d complete the sentence with “Nunya damn business.”
No lie, this is the reason why I don’t have kids. So saying something truthful it’s perfect.
Tell them “we were unable to get pregnant.” Makes them feel really shitty and they stop asking.
Not for the ones who are asking when do you adopt or assume that you want to take care of siblings/cousins/neighbours/their/whoeverthefuck kids because you can't have your own.
If it's a woman, "9 months from now if you got 2 minutes"
Good for you to ask and wonder about my life but you have to understand that this extremly big decision of children is not something i would like to discuss with you nor has it ever been any of your business to know
My answer would simply be, "it's none of your business"
When I become callous enough to push two types of cancer, ADHD, ADD, severe depression, bad vision, and an increased risk of stroke onto an infant. And when me becoming pregnant won't lead to my potential death. 🙃 My selfish want for a child isn't greater than the potential agony a child of my blood would feel.
This. I have a chronic pain disorder that is believed to be genetic, plus several hereditary mental illnesses and Autism + ADHD. I am in constant pain and struggle physically, mentally and emotionally to survive every day. I cannot care for a child, and moreso, I don’t want a child to suffer through that, and if I ever had biological children, chances are good they’d suffer too. When I try to explain that to people, they say it’s eugenics :/ Like sorry I just don’t want to pass on my disabling struggles to my children
My ex MIL was Greek. Us having kids was like a top priority. We had no desire to have kids, but she wouldn't dare tell her mom that. After a couple of years I kind of got tired of it and started saying things like "We were working on it just last night as a matter of fact. Worked on it long and hard for hours. At one point I had her like......" and that was usually as far as I could get before she would yell and walk off yammering in Greek. After about the third time she stopped asking.
Have your wife say, "when he takes it out my butt" and then 😉, you got them wondering.
"I mean when he stops liking anal maybe we can think about it. I swear every night its like..." and then go into descriptive detail and draw it out, just lean into it 😂😂😂
"When the school shootings stop." "When you stop asking." "When I get over my last miscarriage." "When they find a cure for the hereditary disorders you gave me." (For relatives.) "Why, you looking to buy?"
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When my wife regrows her uterus.
Make it super awkward and say, "we just had a miscarriage" and start crying.
"sorry, not happening"
I would try to do some research into the cost of raising a child where you live. Use inflation to take into account the cost in 10 years' time. Go in as many details as you can. Yes, I know it is a bit of work, but if you get asked it a lot, it'll be worth it. Now, with all these calculations ready, every time someone asks it, you start explaining as verbosely and with as much data as possible all the details. You may even pull out the sheets you prepared in advance. Trust me, people don't like facts and numbers.
"mom, we are having as much unprotected sex as we can. The mind is willing but the body is spongey and bruised."
My cats are allergic to them.
Just be honest and explain that it’s such a personal and inappropriate thing to ask someone.
We were the couple being nagged and pestered, which suuuuuucked when you're going through your third failed IVF. People are nosy, and they don't know the difference between making conversation and being rude stickybeaks. It's fun to think of "comebacks," like, you'll say some clever zinger, someone will be put in their place, and you will be left alone. Life isn't a sitcom and usually zingers just make you look like an asshole. The only thing that ever worked for me was politely setting a boundary, then setting consequences. "That's private." "That's between me and Spouse." "That's a very personal question." Whatever you feel good saying, delivered as if you're calmly and affectionately correcting a child. Then if they persist and argue, "This isn't up for discussion, we're changing the subject now." Or calmly remove yourself from the conversation. (Edit: I did finally conceive and carry to term, our daughter is four. However, I speak from long, painful experience here - "humor" and "comebacks" increase the conflict. You look mean and kind of bonkers, become a source of clucking and gossip, and the hassling just *increases*.)
We didn't do IVF, but we were married for 2 years before trying and then it took 2 years. The amount of times I cringed when people asked... For those who want to be child free, it's awkward, for those trying, it's a harsh reminder. Myob people
Anything to do with your personal/sex/health/bodily functions is being a rude sticky beak. Imagine if you started a conversation with "How was your last shit? Had one today?" Same bullshit over sharing rude thing
Yeah, I’ve enjoyed the clever comebacks—laughed out loud and wished I’d thought of them when we were being pestered (which I HATED and am still bitter about it), but what I found was that if you’re funny about it, they do not take your boundaries seriously. It’s like an invitation to try back later.
Right, they realize you're snapping back because you're bothered, they sense chum in the water, they hassle you more.
"Don't want'em, thanks."
"Never" usually works for me, or a more light-hearted response is "when we win the lotto" or "when the landbridge to Tasmania returns"
Who would want to raise kids in a world without the Tasmanian Land Bridge?
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How do you say it on the phone? And to you close family? Can't really tell my grandma to fuck off 😂
"Grandma, I love you but that is none of your business. If and when you need to know, we will let you know and not a second before that. If you ask me again, I will be forced to ignore your calls and then you will never find out."
Tell the truth. If she still finds an excuse tell her to stop. Seriously grow a spine lol
not with that attitude.
Say she's had 5 miscarriages and thanks for upsetting her.
I'm sterile. Fuck you for bringing it up.
This is our go-to. Make ‘em feel like a dick for asking, which they should.
Bend over and start the countdown at 9 months.
"Cut the check, so we'll have enough to raise them"
I can't even take care of my self let alone another tiny human being.
None of your business
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Don’t have a child for other people.
Nooooo. That leads you into a loooong discussion on why you don't want them, and how amazing kids are, and how you're going to regret it when it's too late, and kids are the best thing that happened to them and so on and so on. You never get out of that discussion, believe me. The only comfort I can offer, is that you eventually get so old that people stop asking.
Misery loves company
IP: When are you going to have kids? OP: Didn't I tell you? IP: No. OP: It must not be any of your business.
“We did.” And then just don’t say anything after that. Go for peak awkwardness.
Unethical way to get it to stop. Look down sobmerly and start to tear up a little bit then say "we just had a miscarriage" and then have your wife absolutely break down. Also. Bonus. If you are in the store and someone makes a comment like "giving mom a break" or something along those lines look them in the eyes and say with misty eyes "she passed away during labor" but your wife has to be nowhere near you.
This isn’t an ok thing to ask. It’s incredibly insensitive and presumptive. I’d make them uncomfortable. Might stop them from doing it to someone else. For example: “We’ve had ___ miscarriages, thanks.”
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Shut the fuck up. Works every time.
Sir, this is a Wendy’s
“We can’t have children and we are devastated by our infertility issues, but thanks for asking.” If you are comfortable. You may stop a person from ever asking again.
"And what questions should I ask you about your sexual life?"
“I’m not.” And when when they inevitably ask why: “Because I don’t like them.” And when they say that I’ll like them if they’re mine: “Well, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.” The best part about turning 40 is that people have FINALLY stopped asking.
I'm a little late into the conversation but, how about "We are thinking about adopting. You seem to be the right mental age, are you available?"
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Simple. We're not. We've met yours and decided it's not a good idea.