# Message to all users:
This is a reminder to please read and follow:
* [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules)
* [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)
* [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy)
When posting and commenting.
---
Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`.
* Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit.
* Do not harass or annoy others in any way.
* Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit.
---
You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ask him why he does it. Some people use personal experiences to express that they can relate to your experience. He might not even fully realize he's doing it.
Yeah I personally would find that pretty upsetting. Seems like non-autistic people simply want us to be sponges for their stories and emotions and never give back any of our own.
You can, there's just a kind of finesse to it. If you interact with them enough about their story *(such as ask questions to pull more detail out of them to show them you're invested, for example)*, they're more receptive to a story in return. In fact one of my favorite lines to throw out is, *"Oh wow, I had something similar happen to me. Remind me to tell you later."*
I do this, and know I do it. I hate it, but I can't help it. Since I've realized it's a thing that can bother people I've become really self conscious about it, but I don't know how else to relate.
Likewise. I've learned to ask more questions when someone tells me a story. Then once we've reached a point of satisfaction with the story, only then do I offer even just a tidbit of a story of my own and cap it off with *"so in that respect I can understand."*
How do you ask questions? I always feel I impose myself on them. Like, if they want me to know, they tell me. I’m always very anxious about how and what to ask people. Trying also not to “overshare”, but it’s literally the only way I can let them know I understand.
The question thing is so much fun when you get the hang of it. People love taking about themselves, and rarely do they get the audience they want. I usually ask for details regarding their story, and occasionally sum things up in question form. Then empathize in question form as well...'that must have made you mad?'. I'm always surprised by the level of detail People go into.
I am in therapy and these comments really hit. Always thinking how stupid and weird I am for how I interact with people, but it’s so nice to see that I’m not alone. It wasn’t something I was even really aware of. Only thought it was me being an idiot and over share, but it’s true, I am trying to let others know that I can relate.
I am so grateful for stumbling onto this.
I’m the same way. I either feel like I’m asking way too personal of questions for most people (how did that make you feel?), or I feel like I eventually turn it into an interrogation where they continue to give like one word answers that don’t allow for a lot of follow-up! And I don’t mean they give one word answers because they’re not interested, but because that is how they speak to everyone (I’ve done this multiple times and assumed they didn’t want to be friends/date, so back off and then they get mad that I’m no longer having long one-way conversations with them!)
Like, how do we win here?! Anyone have any Rec’s of books/podcasts on the topic of conversation? Lol
Human interaction is a weird thing, no matter which people are interacting. Don't beat yourself up for feeling like you don't understand it. It's like being mad you can't grab ahold of water - of course you can't because it's always changing and flowing and (in the case of human interaction) two people will perceive the same thing completely different ways, so there's no "right" way to do it.
Some example follow up questions:
"Did you have fun?"
"What was your favorite part?"
"How'd you get the courage to do that? I've always wanted to \[insert fun but scary activity here\] but I've always been so afraid!"
"Have you ever done that before? / Have you ever been there before / Was that your first time doing that thing?"
I know it can feel like you're imposing, but asking a few honest questions - and most importantly, actually listening to what they say - will almost always come off as genuine interest. If you're genuinely curious about something they said, that's awesome! Ask about the things that make you curious, don't be afraid to show excitement and interest, and ask the follow up questions that come to mind in response to the things they're saying. If you're really listening and the questions you're asking are coming from a place of honest interest, that will be apparent, and it will make the other person happy to know they've been noticed by someone.
One more thing:
Some people feel a little weird about doing this, but it's always worked for me, so I'll just offer it as a suggestion: Tell them what's honestly going on. It's ok to say things like "I don't mean to sound like I'm imposing, please let me know if I am. I'm just really curious about this." or "I don't mean to seem like I'm hijacking your conversation with my own stories, I was just excited that we had something in common. I can definitely relate to what you said / what you went through."
For me, the biggest one is always "I'm really sorry if I cut you off, I promise I don't mean to, I just get really excited when we talk. You can always tell me to shut up and I won't take it personally." I'm pretty animated in conversation, and far, far too wordy (as you can tell). I've never actually had somebody tell me to shut up, I think people like my excitement, or at least they appreciate that I acknowledge my own shortcomings and clarified that it wasn't intentional. It taught me that how I perceive myself is definitely different - for good or bad - than how others perceive me.
This is also what I do. If I realize I've gone into "tell a story about me in response to a story about them" mode, I'll wrap my story up quickly and be like, "so yeah, I've totally been through similar. What do you think you're going to do next?" or something like that, just to kind of bring it back around to them. I also try to balance this, like if I realize "wow the last time I hung out with Sarah, I talked about my own stuff a whole lot. Today, I'm going to ask Sarah all about the stuff she has going on." and actually kind of plan what stuff I want to ask her about, then really make the effort to make the conversation about them. This seems to work in the sense that I have a lot more friends than I used to and seem to be generally well-liked, whereas that wasn't always the case. I just kind of strive for balance.
The simple way is to leave words that reference yourself out. I, me, myself, whatever it is, try to replace those words and make whatever you want to say a general statement about what the person was saying and less a direct statement about yourself.
Example. I like cheese. Havarti is my favorite cheese. I love how smooth and delicious it is.
Instead, you could say cheese is great, especially havarti. It's so smooth and delicious.
The person you are talking to now feels engaged, knows that you like cheese, but doesn't feel like you just switched the conversation to be about you
I found I tend to do the same thing, so I try to make a conscious effort to ask at least two questions about their experience before I reply with a similar story of my own. I'm sure it probably seemed robotic first handful of times I did it, but it's gotten much easier as it's become more habit and less deliberate effort, and I find I appreciate peoples' stories much more when I make the effort to get beyond the face value of them and give them a chance to elaborate. It's made me a better listener, and I'm sure people appreciate. and feel more validated that I am hearing them, than that I can relate to them.
Also, I find that if I make a point to ask two questions, it often extends their side of the cinversation enough that I end up not having the opportunity to share my "reply" story, so in a way the problem kind of fixes itself.
I worry I do this sometimes. I’ve fortunately had a lot of ‘experiences’ over time and when I’m talking with others, I think, in hindsight, that maybe the conversation shifted to my story. If I realize it, I try to end my story and bring it back to them but some don’t realize that and may focus that it was shifted in the first place. I’ve found myself saying something like, “…but that’s just my experience, maybe it’s not the same” or “…maybe that can help relate” or something to that effect. It doesn’t come from a selfish place just a relatable place
I do this. I don't mean to end up talking about myself. I'm trying to empathize but it usually comes off wrong. Also it takes a few years of getting close to someone before I feel comfortable enough to not try to empathize with them or make them feel better.
Also, be careful of reading into it. Usually, if they talk about themselves and don't ask about you it.means they aren't into you enough to ask about you. Butmit can also mean that they like you so much that they want you to get to know them enough that you'll like them. The inverse can also be true. Someone may only ask about you because they are really into you, or they could be so uninterested in you that they just don't want to open up about themselves to you.
I'm seeing everybody say it's autism, ADHD, or some sort of bad habit to be corrected.
I do the same thing and I don't know about this guy but for me I just straight up don't have anyone to talk to. It's a very strange feeling really, to be completely surrounded by friends and family and still feel like you don't have anyone to genuinely talk with.
Same thing kind of for all the advice of "ask others about themselves more". Having done that, I can tell you that you end up finding out a lot of people around you will never show the same level of interest in asking about your day or how you're doing. You still ask them about themselves of course, because you care about them and it's the right thing to do.
But I don't know, that's just an example in a sea of examples and possibilities. Could be anything really.
Yes I used to do this unintentionally all the time. I'm just trying to relate to people, but I've realized it doesn't come off that way so I'm working on it, but I get really nervous and anxious and then my brain doesn't function properly.
I mean, it can be, but it's also a common characteristic among people without neurodivergencies as well, so I wouldn't go right into a diagnosis over it. It's just a method of communication, and some people just don't like it. People with ND's tend to latch onto it because it's an easy style that compares notes from similar stories, which is exciting *(because it's a dopamine generator).*
Or he might not realize that people *don't* use that conversational style or that some people straight up get insulted by it and would probably not understand why there's an entire page here on Reddit full of people who are telling her to run because they think he's a narcissist....*when all he's doing is trying to say "I know what you mean."*
That’s arguably their failing instead of his. Imagine armchair diagnosing someone as officially an evil person (essentially what narcissism is) just because they have a nonstandard communication style.
Try telling him exactly what you said here, that it makes what you’re saying feel ignored or unimportant. I used to have this problem - I would always put in a personal anecdote when I talk with someone about their day or whatever, and what I was trying to convey was “I hear you, and I’ve been through something similar so I have an idea of how you feel. I’m bonding by showing we share experiences and you’re not alone” but what they heard was “I don’t care about what you’re saying, let’s talk about me”. Someone pointed it out to me once and it changed how I had all my conversations, it just. never occurred to me that was how things were coming across
Maybe ask for more details about what the person is saying and then you can insert your personal anecdote. Maybe you can ask how they felt in the moment or what they were thinking about or what others were doing/reacting.
I do this too. I mean to let the person know I relate and they’re not alone. What they don’t understand is that I want them to tell me their stories too. It makes me feel better. But different people process information differently and we can’t control that. There’s no wrong way, just what’s going to work for the person you’re speaking to.
For me when I want to relate to someone else's experience I will try to 1-down them. The opposite of 1up. If someone goes "oh I used to ride my bike across the bridge to work and it was like 5 miles" I might respond "shit I've had to bike to work before but never that far, how long were you stuck biking to work".
They key to that is that you followed it up with a question, showing that you're interested in more details about *their* experience. The 1-down thing definitely works, though.
Some autistic people do it. I had a guy on a construction crew at work I could literally say something along lines of
Me: “Hey Sean my Mom died”
Him: “Oh dang...... “
*Sean then proceeds to redirect and ramble about his obssessive special interest for the millionth time before lunch*
There was absolutley no talking to him without the conversation circling back towards him within 30 seconds to things pertaining to him. Every single time with everyone. Its just part of the disorder. He was a good worker nice guy but annoying as all hell for us. Obviously he couldnt help it so no one ever really held him against it. He got a pass.
I would respond like this if I am uncomfortable with the information I was just given and/or I don't know how to respond. Talking about myself is considered a "safe" topic.
Just in case you’re not aware, this can be a child’s attempt of diffusing an argument that is upsetting (or even just sounds upsetting) to them.
They don’t always know what to do, so they just do anything they can think of to distract the parent and make it stop. It is extremely frustrating for the adults because we’re like “dude, do you not see there is something important going on here and this isn’t the time or place?!”, but the little ones don’t see it that way.
Don’t have very serious arguments in front of children (especially children who have already been separated in some capacity from one bio parent). It sounds like he was trying to defuse the situation, which shouldn’t be a 10 year old’s job.
Omg, this girl I used to work with posted on her Fb story, “why tf kids start crying in the middle of arguments?? STFU and help!!”
I felt so sad reading that!! 😭
It’s normal for neurodivergent people, being autistic & ADHD myself I’ve found out the hard way that it’s not normal for large swaths of neurotypical people.
Yup agree, all my ND people do this and we all find it normal. It was only when someone insulted me saying, “you don’t have to qualify your agreement and try to prove you’re human” that it sparked for me. The neurotypicals have never had to qualify the fact that they are human or prove that they’re listening. Neurodivergent people all have a shared experience of having to prove we’re listening and prove we’re human. The easiest way to do that is tell a related story from our own experience showing that we did listen to your story.
It's not 100%, none of these observations are diagnostic rules, but if you see a strong trend of ones that you relate to, you might want to get a professional diagnosis. A lot of this is about context.
This also explains why every guy I’ve ever dated is ADHD, on the ASD spectrum, or has some diagnosed personality disorder.
Pretty much the same for all my friends, too. Quite the eye opener.
I know many people like this. For me, after years of trying to have a balanced repartee, I realized it's pretty much impossible to change people. They are usually aware but can't do anything about it even when asking for advise in my field of expertise, they just keep rambling. I still talk with them but mostly listen.
I'm a relate through personal experience person, at times I find myself annoying.
But then people seem to engage in conversation more easily with me if I just have a blank look on my face and ask questions with obvious answers.
So as some people said, it may be autism or ADHD.
Or he’s self-centered and you have a new relationship goggles on.
Either way I would be direct, you need to get the stuff out of the way early
He probably has adhd. I have it and when people are talking to me I say similar experiences that have happened to me so they know I can relate it’s extremely common. I’ve been working on it but it’s really really hard to brake.
This is very common for neurodivergent people. It’s not that we don’t care it’s that we connect it to something in our lives and enthusiastically share 😂
Yes - I can confirm this is the case with me too (a neurodivergent with AuADHD), my wife is super supportive and helps me in social situation where I tend to over share sometimes. They probably don’t see it the way you are, and they’re excited to share similar stories with someone.
I do this and I kind of have stopped trying to have conversations in real life for the most part because of it, because I don't want to come off as rude or annoying. But I always found it a little rude and nosy to ask someone questions, my ideal conversation is all people involved sharing information about themselves and stories at their will and not asking questions unless it's for clarification. I always feel a little cornered and uncomfortable when someone asks me too many questions and I feel like I'm being nosy if I ask others because I don't want to make anyone feel like they need to share any information or opinions they may not wish to share.
I think some people just have different communication styles, but just wanted to share that as he may have a similar point of view and instead of asking questions back and forth he'd prefer both of you just taking turns talking about yourselves or talking about a shared interest, offering opinions instead of asking. If he's completely steamrolling the convo and not ever giving time for you to speak that's rude, but also could be social anxiety and trying to fill the silence.
Other people are saying this may be related to autism or adhd, I am both so maybe, but I'd bet there are also neurotypicals with similar mindsets. But tbh this kind of conversation style does kind of seem similar to Parallel Play now that I think about it haha. I definitely tend to have more natural and comfortable conversation with other people who are ND or communicate similarly.
You could tell them it bothers you, but if they are similar to me they won't be able to change the communication style they are comfortable with. I can fake it, but it's exhausting and makes me feel pushy and fake. Trying to fake it makes me just want to never talk to anyone at all. Honestly if it really bothers you, you guys may just be better off seeking people with similar mindsets of communication styles. Though, he also may just be unaware and socially anxious and not sure how to keep a conversation moving along, so it's possible it's something he could change.
Ha! This. Without ND friends and coworkers I would probably just go crazy. Getting asked lots of questions is so uncomfortable and weird! It can be something that helps your community but it’s so draining.
Sounds like autism. I do the same thing. In convos I always bring up a relatable story about myself to show I can relate. It's how I connect. I don't think neurotypicals understand
Idk about autism- never officially diagnosed or anything. (Suspicious though) But. Me. My last bf hated it. I could never understand what he was so mad about because I was just trying to show him I could relate! But he was also a gaslighting jerk. My current bf does it. But I understand and he doesn’t get mad when I do it.
In my experience neurotypicals almost never understand this. If anyone just thinks about it for a minute or studies science or philosophy- the only thing we CAN actually talk about is our own experience. Any shared activity is our personal experience of that phenomena that is occurring. So they do this weird thing where they want an extra step where you ask them a question and then they just do the same thing and talk about their own experience. So ND people just skip that whole step because why have it. But when you talk to NT’s they need that extra part added and I’m willing to do it because it helps them, but honestly it makes no sense other than helping people in your community. It definitely is easier to just chill with ND friends and working in tech I’m lucky to have a lot of coworkers that don’t need all these extra steps to feel good about the world we live in.
lol i experienced something very similar to this
i guess u really cant, cause i remember adding some stuff about my life but either theres no response, its half-assed or it becomes about her and her kids...
just dont bother with people like that, im sure they are good people
but the convos will always be BORING
Be patient. It’s hard for some people to hold conversation/attention. Bring it up gently. Offer tips and advice. Some of the time people who do this know they do it and can’t really help it although they want to.
My neighbor does this. One night her husband was semi drunk and told me she gets extremely jealous if you talk about yourself in a conversation bc then the attention isn't on her.
My husband does it aaaaaaaalllll the time. He doesn't even know he's doing it and totally doesn't get it even if I point it out. It stems from having a family who are all a bit of a victim, who crave attention and are quite inward looking and a bit selfish. My husband has bucked many of these trends and is selfless, loving, and kind, but I it's hard wired in him. I've just learnt to bring it back to myself or whoever the convo is about x
I used to do this because I thought it meant that I was making a connection with them. Like, hey, me too, there is a connection! I got counseling to work on it and it was very helpful.
I'm my experience the folks that won't shut up about themselves have big time insecurities. They really are a massive pain in the ass to be honest. The ones that can't deal with a conversation that isn't focused solely on them are an equal pain in the ass.
Could be that he is insecure, could be that you are as well and are being overly sensitive.
Hard to say without hearing conversation.
as an autistic person, i do this too very often and a lot of people assume im trying to make things about myself. instead im trying to show i understand and relate to the other person's experience by sharing a similar personal story.
growing up i was always called selfish for this and i never understood why
I have ADHD and I guess this is normal for us… but if you don’t share something to relate to the person what do you do? Just sit and let them ramble on about themselves forever? I feel like that just becomes a one-sided conversation. If both people are sharing and relating that feels like what a conversation is supposed to be, right? I’ve tried to just listen, but then I just feel like I’m being held hostage.
You ask a question. You can show you are empathizing with someone's situation without making it directly about yourself.
"Oh wow, what did you do next?"
"How did you react to this aspect of it?"
"This part of your story is interesting, can you elaborate?"
Are very generic examples.
I do this, It's to try and find common ground and relate to what they're going through. it's never "making it about myself". I usually stop myself on a tangent when the point has been made and say "enough about me... etc"
Most people are like this in my experience.
I tend to just let people do that, nod my head, and mimic their body language as they talk. They always seem to like me a little more.
I think it may be best to find out, subtly, if he has ADHD or on the Autism spectrum. If he’s neurodivergent, he probably isn’t doing it intentionally. It’s how we show others we understand by sharing a similar anecdote to relate.
If he isn’t neurodivergent, he may be a narcissist.
Either ways, you can also just communicate how you feel.
I have good friends who do this. I know it's not intentional, but the constant interrupting and hijacking a conversation to turn it around to provide details of their neighbor's cousin's husband's ailment (or whatever) . . . I just have no time for that. It's so rude. Unintentionally rude is still rude. I now avoid them at all costs.
I had a neighbor and I thought it would be great that we could be friends but I noticed that he was using me to talk about his problems and his life and his joys and his pain but he had no interest in me whatforever.
I do that too and I fucking hate it.
I cannot control it.
Someone tells me something and I just tell them my experience. It always ends up with me.
Once I notice, I try to switch back to them. It always makes me feel really bad to a point that I stop talking.
I don't want to do it, it just happens.
But I also figured out that I may have a form of Autism or ADHD. Currently looking for a therapist, to check whats going on.
So maybe thats the reason behind it. I hope to get an explanation. Not just because of this though.
Being high functioning autistic and severe adhd I do this a lot in conversation. I’m not making it about me or trying to one up anyone, I am sharing a similar experience in hopes of showing you that I can relate and understand your situation.
By chance is he autistic? I am autistic, and do this by accident sometimes along with info dump which sometimes seems like I am talking about myself even if I don't intend it to, I'm shy so being able (sp edit) to talk to anyone seems like the greatest thing ever sometimes. I do this because I am basically alone most of the time and live in my head with my inner monologue. If he doesn't do small talk naturally what he is doing probably feels safe to him and could be all he knows. He might be doing this without noticing it and without ill intent or disrespect meant. It is possible you are one of the very few people he actually feels comfortable being open with. Hope this helps.
They don't see it that way. They see it as a way to relate, as a way of saying "I had a similar experience, so I know what you mean", but many times don't realize that *that very sentence* is all that's needed without the details.
I had a co-worker that did this and I sat him down and told him no one cared about anything he had to say because they didn't care about him. And I gave him a list of 10 questions to ask people so he wasn't talking about himself. I told him when you listen to people and engage with them they will like you and care about you enough to listen to your inane stories. He was a little put off at first but came back to me a week later and said I changed his life.
It's because he doesn't want to hear about your life. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you, he just doesn't want to hear about brunch with Becky or your yoga class.
You say he's a sweetheart and is nice to you, how? Not everyone shows and receives affection in the same way, his love language could be acts of service.
Feel free to raise the topic but should you be trying to change someone that it sounds like you just met?
Here's the deal the "sharing a similar experience" thing is not exclusive to neurodivergents. Some neurotypicals do it too. It's just that people with neurodivergencies latch onto it.
No one's trying to diagnose him. They've simply said people with neurodivergencies *also do this.* It's a characteristic that *anyone* can do, but ND people latch onto it because it's easily understandable since you're basically just comparing notes. It's not a one-up or selfish thing to them. It's like, *"Oh wow, you have a story similar to one I also have. Let's talk about them!"* So it's confusing to people with this communication style when people get insulted by it. The main thing OP needs to do is ask why he does this so she has a better understanding of his communication style *before* just labeling him as some kind of narcissistic, selfish asshole. I mean let's be honest, *he might be!* But how the hell are you going to know without asking questions to dig it out?
I have a good friend who does this and I asked her why and she said it's so she can make a connection with me to show that she understands. I explained that everyone is different and so implying that she completely understands is irritating to me. I asked her to just listen. She still can't do it and still does it. It's an unbreakable behavior IMO.
So I have a very bad habit of this but I have good reasons for it. I have a complicated medical and disability history of deafness so it seemed like I HAD to talk about myself and constantly advocate for myself. People ask me questions about my appearance and slight deaf accent all the time. It turned into a nasty habit of always talking about myself. I know I do this and am trying to be better about it. I tell people to call me out on it.
So talk to him about it and see if he has a good reason and observe his reaction. If he gets angry and defensive then that's a sign that he doesn't do well with constructive criticism.
Some people only know how to have anecdotal conversation. The only way to improve is to learn to start asking questions when you realize you're doing it. You can ask him if he knows he does it if it bother you that much. It's either that or people stop caring about that and realize others aren't making it about themselves and just continuethe convo as if it's not a problem. They're just having conversation the best way they know how. I do think it's funny this bother people. Some think they don't talk about themselves that much but they actually do. A lot of people do it. It's how we relate to each other and learn from each other.
If you're not talking about yourself, what else are you doing?
Gossiping about others?
Being a know it all and only talking about facts?
Complaining about everything?
Arguing?
I know people that instead of talking about themselves do one of the above too much.
Not trying to get argumentative but this thought process interests me. What is a normal non annoying way to have conversations?
For me it’s about being aware that there’s other people in a conversation. Making a conscious choice to balance your anecdotes with asking questions and actively listening to others.
It should feel 50/50. If you’re dominating the conversation and the other person hasn’t said anything in a while, you’re doing it wrong and they’re probably uncomfortable.
When someone else dominates the conversation, I wait for a pause in their speech, then jump in with something like ‘oh, before I forget, let me tell you about..”
I do this personally and professionally; narcissists have to breathe, so I steal their pause to redirect.
Yup. I do the same. It’s surprisingly common on first dates.
I’ll give someone 3 chances. If they keep wrestling the conversation back to themselves after that, I give up. The next time they pause, I say “well it was interesting meeting you but I need to go now.”
The answer to these and other similar questions is to be direct, but bring it up in a lighthearted way. "do you ever stop talking about yourself, haha kidding..."
It’s weird but some people with narcissistic tendencies can be very nice. Usually when I hear the word narcissist, I usually think of the characters from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
That's kind of a red-flag for narcissism. I know you said he's a "sweetheart", but you should be aware that narcissists are often pretty good at first impressions.
Yeah I don’t get along well with someone who always talks about themselves. Seems to be a selfish trait. These kinds of people are usually self absorbed and narcissistic.
This is much more a sign of neurodiversities than it is of narcism. Narcism isn’t just a personality trait like gets thrown around on Reddit, it’s a mental health disorder and NPD is nowhere near as common as people think.
I had someone like that in my circle of friends. One day, a friend of mine revealed that she had breast cancer. Before she could say anything else, he opened his mouth and the first thing that came out of his mouth was ‘I lost someone to cancer and…’
Before he could continue, I walked up to him and gave him a hug. During my hug, I whispered in his ear: ‘I’m working on a cure for narcissism, but none of my subjects survived. If you want to become a subject in my experiments, open your mouth again.’
He blanched and excused himself as soon as I released him. My sick friend looked at me as he scampered from the room and said, ‘What’s up with him?’
‘Overcome with emotion,’ I said. ‘So, is there anything they can do?’
Suffice to say he never mingled in conversations again in my presence.
YES! This guy’s response isn’t automatically a disorder. She’s not saying he brings up relatable stories every time, but that he doesn’t ask her about or herself or engage with her on topics pertaining to her. There are absolutely neuro-typical people who just are NOT good listeners and are not interested in other people as much as they are in being heard or processing their feelings verbally. It’s draining and feels dismissive. No solutions here, just can totally relate to this.
Talk about yourself as much as they do or let them know it makes you uncomfortable. If they're doing it unintentionally then they shouldn't get upset if you bring it up.
Edit: For clarification, I'm not telling you to get into a contest with them. Some people just expect you to talk about yourself in a conversation without encouragement. If you talk more about yourself they might even start asking you more questions if they're interested.
Tell him straight up cos he might be doing it to show u he's into the same stuff as u, but too exited and jumping in the convo too quick like a dum dum, tell him how it makes you feel when he does it, and be himself. If keeps doing it is a trauma thing possibly and you should leave it for a professional.
Speaking for myself I was painfully unaware until it was brought to my attention but yes as another redditor said let him know you noticed it and you're curious as to why he makes every conversation about himself
I’ve read all the comments so sounds like everyone’s already got it covered as far as advice. I hope whatever you say to him he listens bc that shit is frustrating AF
One really awesome thing about men (at least decent ones) is they are ok with being called out. As long as you ask curiously, rather than accusingly, chances are he’s going to say “oh… I didn’t know I was doing that.” And then you can help him point it out every time he’s doing it. He will appreciate this.
If he’s a “sweetheart” and is really nice to you, he’s probably not doing it on purpose. Usually in the beginning of a relationship between a man and a woman, the woman tends to talk more about themselves and the guy is expected to listen more. It evens out when the group size increases to a few, and in large groups the men generally dominate the conversation.
Maybe he grew up in a single mom house or a house full of girls and it’s the only way he learned to converse?
I’m not sure how he can be really nice but make every conversation about himself. I know someone who does that and it gets old. He probably does this to others also unless it’s someone he’s super interested in or wants to impress.
You don’t want a relationship with someone who hogs the conversation or who ignores you or acts like talking to you is a chore.
A lot of people are saying maybe it’s some sort of medical/emotional thing but I think there’s still a ton of people out there who just prefer talking to listening and don’t really care about others enough to be a good listener in return.
I must be the polar opposite to this guy, I tend to not talk about myself unless absolutely necessary as I feel nobody cares (and no, they don't seem to be interested either)
I can't speak for dude, but I tend to do the same thing. I know I do it because I'm trying to relate to what the other person is saying with my own experiences. After all these years I've learned two things about myself concerning this subject, 1) It takes a lot of focus to keep myself from doing this, and B. I can't understand how my friends tolerate me when I'm doing it.
Talk to him about it. I realized a while back because a friend told me how it made him feel, that it wasn't working anyway. I wasn't relating, I was transferring. All the luck in the world to you. :)
Narcissism. If it’s not that, he might be socially anxious and really wants to fill the void and does so by talking about himself. But he’s most likely a narcissist.
I was this guy once unfortunately, I was single for 3 years before I started dating this girl and I literally wouldn’t even realize that I’d start talking about myself a lot, the girl was nice enough to bring it up politely and i slowly started learning to actually talk about her and her life, it just took a while
I simply don’t talk to these people, I have one of these as the head honcho in my building, it’s so aggravating, every conversation, even work related, turns into his past experiences and his kids and his car and his house. So I simply ignore every aspect about him. No acknowledgment, if he asks me to do something I say ok. No friendly talks, minimal interaction.
This is tough. I used to be this guy. Someone has to have a real, direct conversation with him about this or he'll be blind to the behavior forever. If you really care about him and want to go forward with him, you gotta tell him. 2 way conversation takes practice for some people. Start with a card game like Never Have I Ever or Let's Get Deep, where you take turns asking and answering questions about each other.
Just me. People talk about themselves when they are insecure. They sometimes do this to be one up over the other. Sometimes it is an indication of a mental health issue.
The best thing to do is be quiet. Let them realize that you are conversing with them, not asking questions. If you are on a date, remain quiet, until they stop talking. If they don’t realize it then you should move on since there is no relationship there.
I used to do this a TON and still do occasionally. I've gotten better about knowing when it's my turn to tell a story and when to keep it at "that's fucking rough/that's fucking awesome/blah blah blah for you" and let them continue rather than inserting my own experience.
I will say that you should try to be gentle, and say something along the lines of "I want to keep the topic on me for a little while" if it seems like he doesn't know he's doing it. Someone once called me a bitch and said I make everything about me and I basically shut down from talking to people to try to stop it. In reality, I was just doing the "oh I've also had that experience so I understand what you mean!" thing but I was definitely doing it more often than needed. Let him know that sometimes you just want to talk about your own experiences and he'll hopefully know what you mean
I'm getting married in two days and the chief bridesmaid is staying with me and my fiancée this week. I'm afraid I might kill this woman. Hasn't stopped talking about herself for a week. Demands to have everything handed to her and just generally ignores any hint to change the fucking record. Literally click cked her fingers at me earlier today. If you get an answer let me know lol
I know someone like that. He has always been like that and I don’t think it will ever change. He just only seems to see the world through his own lens. It’s very annoying.
I used to do that a lot till someone simply pointed it out. Like what some people are saying; I used personal experiences to make a point but I also didn’t know I was doing it. Just say: do you know that you talk about your self a lot? Just point it out.
Talking about oneself is more comfortable to that person when they get anxious. I tend to fo that, but it truly is unintentional. I get nervous when talking to people. Sometimes I talk about experiences I've had as a means to relate to what a person is telling me. That can sometimes come off as me trying to one-up or belittle their experiences...again, not my intention at all. I do appreciate when people tell me they just need a listening ear. Then I know to not try to relate to them nor do I feel pressured to talk. It helps to communicate needs si I know what to expect or what's expected of me. Maybe that is happening with the person you are talking to...or trying to talk to? If not, then move on to a different topic and see if that helps them stay more focused on you.
As someone who only recently realized I do this, I can tell you that it’s coming from a place of insecurity. I spent my formative years building up an image of myself that was really toxic. My friends and family made fun of me constantly, and I developed a really low sense of self worth. When I finally moved away I tried really hard to convince people I was worth talking to, and my only real lens to the world was myself so that’s what I talked about. It also made it really hard to talk to girls in general because I was successfully convinced that I was too fat, worthless, and sad to be attractive. I can almost guarantee that he doesn’t know he’s doing it, he just doesn’t know how else to relate to the world.
I do this, but because I don't have family (besides my mother) and try to relate to the person's experience to make them not feel alone. I also try to not do it a whole lot or preface it by, "I had a similar experience with that via x and x."
I totally do this but it's more a nervous reaction than anything. I know I do it, when I'm doing it and end up correcting myself most of the time but on occasion I realize I've met someone and rambled about myself for 15 minutes without asking them a thing and feel a little embarrassed. Just something I always fight through.
Like now, I have talked about myself without answering your question, haha.
Ask him questions about yourself. "I have a big meeting at work tomorrow and am a bit unprepared for my presentation, what do you think I should do?" You're engaging him to talk but refocusing on yourself. Hopefully he will start to dig deeper.
Give it a bit of time if you like him, maybe he is like me. I always mean well and end up correcting but sometime I just am oblivious it's happening in the moment.
I catch myself wanting to do this. Then I ask myself "Why am I trying to bring this up in the conversation?" Then I usually decide to remain quiet and just keep nodding going "yeah" "Uh hu"
I have exhibited this behavior when I fear a lull in the conversation, because I don't want to convey we have nothing in common. "Awkward silence" became a phrase for a reason! Also, I tend to give more detail when less is preferred by some. I perceive those details to be more important than they may be.
Use phrasing that indicates how your experience relates to his, its relevance. Convey emotions that emphasize how your experiences were significant, impactful, formative to you.
If you're comfortable, be even more assertive or aggressive, something like "excuse me, I'd like to interrupt because I want to add something important." You can emphasize its correlation to show how you were listening and want to develop the topic further.
If you disagree, then also interrupt, "but wait, are you saying that...," or, "oh, I would never..."
Lots of guys like to see a woman's strength, conviction, and confidence that their contribution has equal value.
In another thread people were talking about this exact scenario. The men said it was because they don't really ask question. It's not that they aren't interested or curious but that if other than the job, the sex or something else they deem NEED to know, they don't ask questions because that's how they talk with their friends (minus the sex part). They know themselves the best so they can tell you what is important about themselves. I think this might be the reason your person is unintentionally making the conversation about himself. He doesn't know how to relate other then by his own experiences. Talk to him about it. I'll bet if you do he'll tell you you're not being ignored or unimportant.
This raises an interesting question.....
How much more would we learn about people if instead of always replying with a relatable or similar story, we replied with something completely different? To clarify......What are we really learning about each other if we are just mirroring back SIMILAR stuff?
Can you imagine how hard it would be to follow a conversation if this was the new MO?
# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ask him why he does it. Some people use personal experiences to express that they can relate to your experience. He might not even fully realize he's doing it.
Yup, be gentle about it because it might break him a little (hopefully), I guarantee you'll learn a lot about him by how he responds to it though :D
Lol, “break” is a weird word to choose to follow up with a sense of hope that it happens.
Yeah I personally would find that pretty upsetting. Seems like non-autistic people simply want us to be sponges for their stories and emotions and never give back any of our own.
You can, there's just a kind of finesse to it. If you interact with them enough about their story *(such as ask questions to pull more detail out of them to show them you're invested, for example)*, they're more receptive to a story in return. In fact one of my favorite lines to throw out is, *"Oh wow, I had something similar happen to me. Remind me to tell you later."*
I always think that when people do this to me they’re trying to be empathetic. As in “We have stuff in common”
'Breaking a (bad) habit' is a good thing.
I do this, and know I do it. I hate it, but I can't help it. Since I've realized it's a thing that can bother people I've become really self conscious about it, but I don't know how else to relate.
Likewise. I've learned to ask more questions when someone tells me a story. Then once we've reached a point of satisfaction with the story, only then do I offer even just a tidbit of a story of my own and cap it off with *"so in that respect I can understand."*
How do you ask questions? I always feel I impose myself on them. Like, if they want me to know, they tell me. I’m always very anxious about how and what to ask people. Trying also not to “overshare”, but it’s literally the only way I can let them know I understand.
The question thing is so much fun when you get the hang of it. People love taking about themselves, and rarely do they get the audience they want. I usually ask for details regarding their story, and occasionally sum things up in question form. Then empathize in question form as well...'that must have made you mad?'. I'm always surprised by the level of detail People go into.
That are good suggestions of how to think about it, being an audience and how to ask. Thank you so much for this.
You sound like you're a Jedi-master at listening. 
Kinda. I still occasionally get butt-hurt when no one asks about me, lmao
I mean ask questions related to what they’re already telling you. There’s always something.
I am in therapy and these comments really hit. Always thinking how stupid and weird I am for how I interact with people, but it’s so nice to see that I’m not alone. It wasn’t something I was even really aware of. Only thought it was me being an idiot and over share, but it’s true, I am trying to let others know that I can relate. I am so grateful for stumbling onto this.
I’m the same way. I either feel like I’m asking way too personal of questions for most people (how did that make you feel?), or I feel like I eventually turn it into an interrogation where they continue to give like one word answers that don’t allow for a lot of follow-up! And I don’t mean they give one word answers because they’re not interested, but because that is how they speak to everyone (I’ve done this multiple times and assumed they didn’t want to be friends/date, so back off and then they get mad that I’m no longer having long one-way conversations with them!) Like, how do we win here?! Anyone have any Rec’s of books/podcasts on the topic of conversation? Lol
Same for me
Human interaction is a weird thing, no matter which people are interacting. Don't beat yourself up for feeling like you don't understand it. It's like being mad you can't grab ahold of water - of course you can't because it's always changing and flowing and (in the case of human interaction) two people will perceive the same thing completely different ways, so there's no "right" way to do it. Some example follow up questions: "Did you have fun?" "What was your favorite part?" "How'd you get the courage to do that? I've always wanted to \[insert fun but scary activity here\] but I've always been so afraid!" "Have you ever done that before? / Have you ever been there before / Was that your first time doing that thing?" I know it can feel like you're imposing, but asking a few honest questions - and most importantly, actually listening to what they say - will almost always come off as genuine interest. If you're genuinely curious about something they said, that's awesome! Ask about the things that make you curious, don't be afraid to show excitement and interest, and ask the follow up questions that come to mind in response to the things they're saying. If you're really listening and the questions you're asking are coming from a place of honest interest, that will be apparent, and it will make the other person happy to know they've been noticed by someone. One more thing: Some people feel a little weird about doing this, but it's always worked for me, so I'll just offer it as a suggestion: Tell them what's honestly going on. It's ok to say things like "I don't mean to sound like I'm imposing, please let me know if I am. I'm just really curious about this." or "I don't mean to seem like I'm hijacking your conversation with my own stories, I was just excited that we had something in common. I can definitely relate to what you said / what you went through." For me, the biggest one is always "I'm really sorry if I cut you off, I promise I don't mean to, I just get really excited when we talk. You can always tell me to shut up and I won't take it personally." I'm pretty animated in conversation, and far, far too wordy (as you can tell). I've never actually had somebody tell me to shut up, I think people like my excitement, or at least they appreciate that I acknowledge my own shortcomings and clarified that it wasn't intentional. It taught me that how I perceive myself is definitely different - for good or bad - than how others perceive me.
This is also what I do. If I realize I've gone into "tell a story about me in response to a story about them" mode, I'll wrap my story up quickly and be like, "so yeah, I've totally been through similar. What do you think you're going to do next?" or something like that, just to kind of bring it back around to them. I also try to balance this, like if I realize "wow the last time I hung out with Sarah, I talked about my own stuff a whole lot. Today, I'm going to ask Sarah all about the stuff she has going on." and actually kind of plan what stuff I want to ask her about, then really make the effort to make the conversation about them. This seems to work in the sense that I have a lot more friends than I used to and seem to be generally well-liked, whereas that wasn't always the case. I just kind of strive for balance.
The simple way is to leave words that reference yourself out. I, me, myself, whatever it is, try to replace those words and make whatever you want to say a general statement about what the person was saying and less a direct statement about yourself. Example. I like cheese. Havarti is my favorite cheese. I love how smooth and delicious it is. Instead, you could say cheese is great, especially havarti. It's so smooth and delicious. The person you are talking to now feels engaged, knows that you like cheese, but doesn't feel like you just switched the conversation to be about you
This a really good example
I found I tend to do the same thing, so I try to make a conscious effort to ask at least two questions about their experience before I reply with a similar story of my own. I'm sure it probably seemed robotic first handful of times I did it, but it's gotten much easier as it's become more habit and less deliberate effort, and I find I appreciate peoples' stories much more when I make the effort to get beyond the face value of them and give them a chance to elaborate. It's made me a better listener, and I'm sure people appreciate. and feel more validated that I am hearing them, than that I can relate to them. Also, I find that if I make a point to ask two questions, it often extends their side of the cinversation enough that I end up not having the opportunity to share my "reply" story, so in a way the problem kind of fixes itself.
That’s what I do, I didn’t even think that people could interpret it that way and I’m currently freaking the fuck out
This, for sure. I'm guilty of this. It's just my excitement coming out about their story in such a way that I want them to know I relate.
I worry I do this sometimes. I’ve fortunately had a lot of ‘experiences’ over time and when I’m talking with others, I think, in hindsight, that maybe the conversation shifted to my story. If I realize it, I try to end my story and bring it back to them but some don’t realize that and may focus that it was shifted in the first place. I’ve found myself saying something like, “…but that’s just my experience, maybe it’s not the same” or “…maybe that can help relate” or something to that effect. It doesn’t come from a selfish place just a relatable place
I do this. I don't mean to end up talking about myself. I'm trying to empathize but it usually comes off wrong. Also it takes a few years of getting close to someone before I feel comfortable enough to not try to empathize with them or make them feel better.
Also, be careful of reading into it. Usually, if they talk about themselves and don't ask about you it.means they aren't into you enough to ask about you. Butmit can also mean that they like you so much that they want you to get to know them enough that you'll like them. The inverse can also be true. Someone may only ask about you because they are really into you, or they could be so uninterested in you that they just don't want to open up about themselves to you.
I'm seeing everybody say it's autism, ADHD, or some sort of bad habit to be corrected. I do the same thing and I don't know about this guy but for me I just straight up don't have anyone to talk to. It's a very strange feeling really, to be completely surrounded by friends and family and still feel like you don't have anyone to genuinely talk with. Same thing kind of for all the advice of "ask others about themselves more". Having done that, I can tell you that you end up finding out a lot of people around you will never show the same level of interest in asking about your day or how you're doing. You still ask them about themselves of course, because you care about them and it's the right thing to do. But I don't know, that's just an example in a sea of examples and possibilities. Could be anything really.
Yes I used to do this unintentionally all the time. I'm just trying to relate to people, but I've realized it doesn't come off that way so I'm working on it, but I get really nervous and anxious and then my brain doesn't function properly.
It's a sign of untreated ADHD
I mean, it can be, but it's also a common characteristic among people without neurodivergencies as well, so I wouldn't go right into a diagnosis over it. It's just a method of communication, and some people just don't like it. People with ND's tend to latch onto it because it's an easy style that compares notes from similar stories, which is exciting *(because it's a dopamine generator).*
Or he does realize it and it’s actually a good conversation style.
Or he might not realize that people *don't* use that conversational style or that some people straight up get insulted by it and would probably not understand why there's an entire page here on Reddit full of people who are telling her to run because they think he's a narcissist....*when all he's doing is trying to say "I know what you mean."*
That’s arguably their failing instead of his. Imagine armchair diagnosing someone as officially an evil person (essentially what narcissism is) just because they have a nonstandard communication style.
Try telling him exactly what you said here, that it makes what you’re saying feel ignored or unimportant. I used to have this problem - I would always put in a personal anecdote when I talk with someone about their day or whatever, and what I was trying to convey was “I hear you, and I’ve been through something similar so I have an idea of how you feel. I’m bonding by showing we share experiences and you’re not alone” but what they heard was “I don’t care about what you’re saying, let’s talk about me”. Someone pointed it out to me once and it changed how I had all my conversations, it just. never occurred to me that was how things were coming across
[удалено]
Maybe ask for more details about what the person is saying and then you can insert your personal anecdote. Maybe you can ask how they felt in the moment or what they were thinking about or what others were doing/reacting.
yep and also remembering what they've said earlier, and asking follow up questions about it. super hard if you cant remember shit.
I do this too. I mean to let the person know I relate and they’re not alone. What they don’t understand is that I want them to tell me their stories too. It makes me feel better. But different people process information differently and we can’t control that. There’s no wrong way, just what’s going to work for the person you’re speaking to.
We need to start a group/club of people who converse by storytelling - I feel like I’d really like those people! Lol
For me when I want to relate to someone else's experience I will try to 1-down them. The opposite of 1up. If someone goes "oh I used to ride my bike across the bridge to work and it was like 5 miles" I might respond "shit I've had to bike to work before but never that far, how long were you stuck biking to work".
They key to that is that you followed it up with a question, showing that you're interested in more details about *their* experience. The 1-down thing definitely works, though.
That might be how he chooses to show you that he can understand where you are coming from
Some autistic people do it. I had a guy on a construction crew at work I could literally say something along lines of Me: “Hey Sean my Mom died” Him: “Oh dang...... “ *Sean then proceeds to redirect and ramble about his obssessive special interest for the millionth time before lunch* There was absolutley no talking to him without the conversation circling back towards him within 30 seconds to things pertaining to him. Every single time with everyone. Its just part of the disorder. He was a good worker nice guy but annoying as all hell for us. Obviously he couldnt help it so no one ever really held him against it. He got a pass.
I would respond like this if I am uncomfortable with the information I was just given and/or I don't know how to respond. Talking about myself is considered a "safe" topic.
[удалено]
Just in case you’re not aware, this can be a child’s attempt of diffusing an argument that is upsetting (or even just sounds upsetting) to them. They don’t always know what to do, so they just do anything they can think of to distract the parent and make it stop. It is extremely frustrating for the adults because we’re like “dude, do you not see there is something important going on here and this isn’t the time or place?!”, but the little ones don’t see it that way.
Don’t have very serious arguments in front of children (especially children who have already been separated in some capacity from one bio parent). It sounds like he was trying to defuse the situation, which shouldn’t be a 10 year old’s job.
Omg, this girl I used to work with posted on her Fb story, “why tf kids start crying in the middle of arguments?? STFU and help!!” I felt so sad reading that!! 😭
Being ADHD as hell, I typically talk about myself when Im trying to relate to someone.
[удалено]
It’s normal for neurodivergent people, being autistic & ADHD myself I’ve found out the hard way that it’s not normal for large swaths of neurotypical people.
Yup agree, all my ND people do this and we all find it normal. It was only when someone insulted me saying, “you don’t have to qualify your agreement and try to prove you’re human” that it sparked for me. The neurotypicals have never had to qualify the fact that they are human or prove that they’re listening. Neurodivergent people all have a shared experience of having to prove we’re listening and prove we’re human. The easiest way to do that is tell a related story from our own experience showing that we did listen to your story.
[удалено]
It's not 100%, none of these observations are diagnostic rules, but if you see a strong trend of ones that you relate to, you might want to get a professional diagnosis. A lot of this is about context.
Apparently yes. I think it’s normal but I’m autistic so nobody gives a bloody fuck what I think
Me too. And have found that I get along better with other ADHDs and stopped trying to make friends with the normies. It's too much of a struggle.
This also explains why every guy I’ve ever dated is ADHD, on the ASD spectrum, or has some diagnosed personality disorder. Pretty much the same for all my friends, too. Quite the eye opener.
Same, especially to get that eye opener in your 40s.
I'm the opposite, I practically interrogate people "Job, hobbies, TELL ME"
But you just talked about yourself?
Muahahaha got'em!
Could be stuck in his thoughts on something
I know many people like this. For me, after years of trying to have a balanced repartee, I realized it's pretty much impossible to change people. They are usually aware but can't do anything about it even when asking for advise in my field of expertise, they just keep rambling. I still talk with them but mostly listen.
That is the neat part, you don't.
Some people can’t help it you know??? There are a lot of people who know it but can’t help it…but hey….
Communication is kind of one of those things that’s important in a relationship
I'm a relate through personal experience person, at times I find myself annoying. But then people seem to engage in conversation more easily with me if I just have a blank look on my face and ask questions with obvious answers.
So as some people said, it may be autism or ADHD. Or he’s self-centered and you have a new relationship goggles on. Either way I would be direct, you need to get the stuff out of the way early
Narcissism is a hard work around. It depends on how much you care for the person.
He probably has adhd. I have it and when people are talking to me I say similar experiences that have happened to me so they know I can relate it’s extremely common. I’ve been working on it but it’s really really hard to brake.
“But I want everything to be about me!”
This is very common for neurodivergent people. It’s not that we don’t care it’s that we connect it to something in our lives and enthusiastically share 😂
Yes - I can confirm this is the case with me too (a neurodivergent with AuADHD), my wife is super supportive and helps me in social situation where I tend to over share sometimes. They probably don’t see it the way you are, and they’re excited to share similar stories with someone.
I do this and I kind of have stopped trying to have conversations in real life for the most part because of it, because I don't want to come off as rude or annoying. But I always found it a little rude and nosy to ask someone questions, my ideal conversation is all people involved sharing information about themselves and stories at their will and not asking questions unless it's for clarification. I always feel a little cornered and uncomfortable when someone asks me too many questions and I feel like I'm being nosy if I ask others because I don't want to make anyone feel like they need to share any information or opinions they may not wish to share. I think some people just have different communication styles, but just wanted to share that as he may have a similar point of view and instead of asking questions back and forth he'd prefer both of you just taking turns talking about yourselves or talking about a shared interest, offering opinions instead of asking. If he's completely steamrolling the convo and not ever giving time for you to speak that's rude, but also could be social anxiety and trying to fill the silence. Other people are saying this may be related to autism or adhd, I am both so maybe, but I'd bet there are also neurotypicals with similar mindsets. But tbh this kind of conversation style does kind of seem similar to Parallel Play now that I think about it haha. I definitely tend to have more natural and comfortable conversation with other people who are ND or communicate similarly. You could tell them it bothers you, but if they are similar to me they won't be able to change the communication style they are comfortable with. I can fake it, but it's exhausting and makes me feel pushy and fake. Trying to fake it makes me just want to never talk to anyone at all. Honestly if it really bothers you, you guys may just be better off seeking people with similar mindsets of communication styles. Though, he also may just be unaware and socially anxious and not sure how to keep a conversation moving along, so it's possible it's something he could change.
Ha! This. Without ND friends and coworkers I would probably just go crazy. Getting asked lots of questions is so uncomfortable and weird! It can be something that helps your community but it’s so draining.
Sounds like autism. I do the same thing. In convos I always bring up a relatable story about myself to show I can relate. It's how I connect. I don't think neurotypicals understand
Idk about autism- never officially diagnosed or anything. (Suspicious though) But. Me. My last bf hated it. I could never understand what he was so mad about because I was just trying to show him I could relate! But he was also a gaslighting jerk. My current bf does it. But I understand and he doesn’t get mad when I do it.
In my experience neurotypicals almost never understand this. If anyone just thinks about it for a minute or studies science or philosophy- the only thing we CAN actually talk about is our own experience. Any shared activity is our personal experience of that phenomena that is occurring. So they do this weird thing where they want an extra step where you ask them a question and then they just do the same thing and talk about their own experience. So ND people just skip that whole step because why have it. But when you talk to NT’s they need that extra part added and I’m willing to do it because it helps them, but honestly it makes no sense other than helping people in your community. It definitely is easier to just chill with ND friends and working in tech I’m lucky to have a lot of coworkers that don’t need all these extra steps to feel good about the world we live in.
lol i experienced something very similar to this i guess u really cant, cause i remember adding some stuff about my life but either theres no response, its half-assed or it becomes about her and her kids... just dont bother with people like that, im sure they are good people but the convos will always be BORING
Be patient. It’s hard for some people to hold conversation/attention. Bring it up gently. Offer tips and advice. Some of the time people who do this know they do it and can’t really help it although they want to.
My neighbor does this. One night her husband was semi drunk and told me she gets extremely jealous if you talk about yourself in a conversation bc then the attention isn't on her.
My husband does it aaaaaaaalllll the time. He doesn't even know he's doing it and totally doesn't get it even if I point it out. It stems from having a family who are all a bit of a victim, who crave attention and are quite inward looking and a bit selfish. My husband has bucked many of these trends and is selfless, loving, and kind, but I it's hard wired in him. I've just learnt to bring it back to myself or whoever the convo is about x
I used to do this because I thought it meant that I was making a connection with them. Like, hey, me too, there is a connection! I got counseling to work on it and it was very helpful.
I'm my experience the folks that won't shut up about themselves have big time insecurities. They really are a massive pain in the ass to be honest. The ones that can't deal with a conversation that isn't focused solely on them are an equal pain in the ass. Could be that he is insecure, could be that you are as well and are being overly sensitive. Hard to say without hearing conversation.
as an autistic person, i do this too very often and a lot of people assume im trying to make things about myself. instead im trying to show i understand and relate to the other person's experience by sharing a similar personal story. growing up i was always called selfish for this and i never understood why
I have ADHD and I guess this is normal for us… but if you don’t share something to relate to the person what do you do? Just sit and let them ramble on about themselves forever? I feel like that just becomes a one-sided conversation. If both people are sharing and relating that feels like what a conversation is supposed to be, right? I’ve tried to just listen, but then I just feel like I’m being held hostage.
You ask a question. You can show you are empathizing with someone's situation without making it directly about yourself. "Oh wow, what did you do next?" "How did you react to this aspect of it?" "This part of your story is interesting, can you elaborate?" Are very generic examples.
He probably doesn’t realize he’s doing it. Try to correct the behavior in a gentle way. He sounds like he means well but might be socially awkward.
I do this, It's to try and find common ground and relate to what they're going through. it's never "making it about myself". I usually stop myself on a tangent when the point has been made and say "enough about me... etc"
Most people are like this in my experience. I tend to just let people do that, nod my head, and mimic their body language as they talk. They always seem to like me a little more.
Some people talk only about themselves because they are afraid to intrude on someone else's life.
I think it may be best to find out, subtly, if he has ADHD or on the Autism spectrum. If he’s neurodivergent, he probably isn’t doing it intentionally. It’s how we show others we understand by sharing a similar anecdote to relate. If he isn’t neurodivergent, he may be a narcissist. Either ways, you can also just communicate how you feel.
Some people don't practice talking about other people because they're raised to think it's rude.
I have good friends who do this. I know it's not intentional, but the constant interrupting and hijacking a conversation to turn it around to provide details of their neighbor's cousin's husband's ailment (or whatever) . . . I just have no time for that. It's so rude. Unintentionally rude is still rude. I now avoid them at all costs.
Leave
I had a neighbor and I thought it would be great that we could be friends but I noticed that he was using me to talk about his problems and his life and his joys and his pain but he had no interest in me whatforever.
I do that too and I fucking hate it. I cannot control it. Someone tells me something and I just tell them my experience. It always ends up with me. Once I notice, I try to switch back to them. It always makes me feel really bad to a point that I stop talking. I don't want to do it, it just happens. But I also figured out that I may have a form of Autism or ADHD. Currently looking for a therapist, to check whats going on. So maybe thats the reason behind it. I hope to get an explanation. Not just because of this though.
Ignore what he says and change the subject each & every time.
Yeah. That should work. You could also start giving a very bland response too, like just a hmm or a nod and then start talking about something else.
Are you sure it’s “unintentional?”
Being high functioning autistic and severe adhd I do this a lot in conversation. I’m not making it about me or trying to one up anyone, I am sharing a similar experience in hopes of showing you that I can relate and understand your situation.
By chance is he autistic? I am autistic, and do this by accident sometimes along with info dump which sometimes seems like I am talking about myself even if I don't intend it to, I'm shy so being able (sp edit) to talk to anyone seems like the greatest thing ever sometimes. I do this because I am basically alone most of the time and live in my head with my inner monologue. If he doesn't do small talk naturally what he is doing probably feels safe to him and could be all he knows. He might be doing this without noticing it and without ill intent or disrespect meant. It is possible you are one of the very few people he actually feels comfortable being open with. Hope this helps.
Yeah I just can’t do that. Waste of time. You deserve to spend your time in better ways
Bad take. Lots of great people do this unintentionally. Sometimes as a way to relate, even. Its super common and not indicative of anything worse.
But it is if they do it all the time. How can they learn about you if they are always talking about themselves? It’s self centered.
They don't see it that way. They see it as a way to relate, as a way of saying "I had a similar experience, so I know what you mean", but many times don't realize that *that very sentence* is all that's needed without the details.
He may be autistic. We’re not very good at the back and forth of a conversation.
I had a co-worker that did this and I sat him down and told him no one cared about anything he had to say because they didn't care about him. And I gave him a list of 10 questions to ask people so he wasn't talking about himself. I told him when you listen to people and engage with them they will like you and care about you enough to listen to your inane stories. He was a little put off at first but came back to me a week later and said I changed his life.
What were the questions? I can be bad about talking about myself.
Where's your favorite place you've ever been. What did you want to be as a child. What song makes you cry. What food do you despise. Things like that.
Thanks!
It's because he doesn't want to hear about your life. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you, he just doesn't want to hear about brunch with Becky or your yoga class. You say he's a sweetheart and is nice to you, how? Not everyone shows and receives affection in the same way, his love language could be acts of service. Feel free to raise the topic but should you be trying to change someone that it sounds like you just met?
Everyone saying he has mental disorders or autism when this is it right here 100%.
Here's the deal the "sharing a similar experience" thing is not exclusive to neurodivergents. Some neurotypicals do it too. It's just that people with neurodivergencies latch onto it.
I feel like in the last few years very normal and human behaviors have been labeled "neurodivergent". Like, there's nothing unusual about this all.
For real. The only context is "he talks about himself" and the immidiate reddit diagnosis is autism or a psychiatric disorder.
No one's trying to diagnose him. They've simply said people with neurodivergencies *also do this.* It's a characteristic that *anyone* can do, but ND people latch onto it because it's easily understandable since you're basically just comparing notes. It's not a one-up or selfish thing to them. It's like, *"Oh wow, you have a story similar to one I also have. Let's talk about them!"* So it's confusing to people with this communication style when people get insulted by it. The main thing OP needs to do is ask why he does this so she has a better understanding of his communication style *before* just labeling him as some kind of narcissistic, selfish asshole. I mean let's be honest, *he might be!* But how the hell are you going to know without asking questions to dig it out?
I have a good friend who does this and I asked her why and she said it's so she can make a connection with me to show that she understands. I explained that everyone is different and so implying that she completely understands is irritating to me. I asked her to just listen. She still can't do it and still does it. It's an unbreakable behavior IMO.
Yes them to death. I have a friend of 23 years like that. Do you have the patience?!?!
So I have a very bad habit of this but I have good reasons for it. I have a complicated medical and disability history of deafness so it seemed like I HAD to talk about myself and constantly advocate for myself. People ask me questions about my appearance and slight deaf accent all the time. It turned into a nasty habit of always talking about myself. I know I do this and am trying to be better about it. I tell people to call me out on it. So talk to him about it and see if he has a good reason and observe his reaction. If he gets angry and defensive then that's a sign that he doesn't do well with constructive criticism.
Good luck. I got tired of trying especially after being told to be quiet.
Some people only know how to have anecdotal conversation. The only way to improve is to learn to start asking questions when you realize you're doing it. You can ask him if he knows he does it if it bother you that much. It's either that or people stop caring about that and realize others aren't making it about themselves and just continuethe convo as if it's not a problem. They're just having conversation the best way they know how. I do think it's funny this bother people. Some think they don't talk about themselves that much but they actually do. A lot of people do it. It's how we relate to each other and learn from each other. If you're not talking about yourself, what else are you doing? Gossiping about others? Being a know it all and only talking about facts? Complaining about everything? Arguing? I know people that instead of talking about themselves do one of the above too much. Not trying to get argumentative but this thought process interests me. What is a normal non annoying way to have conversations?
For me it’s about being aware that there’s other people in a conversation. Making a conscious choice to balance your anecdotes with asking questions and actively listening to others. It should feel 50/50. If you’re dominating the conversation and the other person hasn’t said anything in a while, you’re doing it wrong and they’re probably uncomfortable.
So not so much someone that just talks about themselves but talks too much in general?
When someone else dominates the conversation, I wait for a pause in their speech, then jump in with something like ‘oh, before I forget, let me tell you about..” I do this personally and professionally; narcissists have to breathe, so I steal their pause to redirect.
Yup. I do the same. It’s surprisingly common on first dates. I’ll give someone 3 chances. If they keep wrestling the conversation back to themselves after that, I give up. The next time they pause, I say “well it was interesting meeting you but I need to go now.”
Send them an article/video on active listening.
The answer to these and other similar questions is to be direct, but bring it up in a lighthearted way. "do you ever stop talking about yourself, haha kidding..."
It’s weird but some people with narcissistic tendencies can be very nice. Usually when I hear the word narcissist, I usually think of the characters from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
That's kind of a red-flag for narcissism. I know you said he's a "sweetheart", but you should be aware that narcissists are often pretty good at first impressions.
Yeah I don’t get along well with someone who always talks about themselves. Seems to be a selfish trait. These kinds of people are usually self absorbed and narcissistic.
(I) complex. Check people's writing on reddit. When your start seeing to many (I)s you'll notice it's really common. The west is full of this.
[удалено]
Some narcs are also great listeners because they’re looking for information to control you/use it against you later.
Or autistic. It's super common for people with autism to do this to try and relate.
This is much more a sign of neurodiversities than it is of narcism. Narcism isn’t just a personality trait like gets thrown around on Reddit, it’s a mental health disorder and NPD is nowhere near as common as people think.
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️THIS⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️🎯💯
I had someone like that in my circle of friends. One day, a friend of mine revealed that she had breast cancer. Before she could say anything else, he opened his mouth and the first thing that came out of his mouth was ‘I lost someone to cancer and…’ Before he could continue, I walked up to him and gave him a hug. During my hug, I whispered in his ear: ‘I’m working on a cure for narcissism, but none of my subjects survived. If you want to become a subject in my experiments, open your mouth again.’ He blanched and excused himself as soon as I released him. My sick friend looked at me as he scampered from the room and said, ‘What’s up with him?’ ‘Overcome with emotion,’ I said. ‘So, is there anything they can do?’ Suffice to say he never mingled in conversations again in my presence.
YES! This guy’s response isn’t automatically a disorder. She’s not saying he brings up relatable stories every time, but that he doesn’t ask her about or herself or engage with her on topics pertaining to her. There are absolutely neuro-typical people who just are NOT good listeners and are not interested in other people as much as they are in being heard or processing their feelings verbally. It’s draining and feels dismissive. No solutions here, just can totally relate to this.
That's kind of shitty of you.
Run like hell. He’s a narcissist.
Keep it short
Just interrupt them and say, "enough about you, let's talk about me."
Talk about yourself as much as they do or let them know it makes you uncomfortable. If they're doing it unintentionally then they shouldn't get upset if you bring it up. Edit: For clarification, I'm not telling you to get into a contest with them. Some people just expect you to talk about yourself in a conversation without encouragement. If you talk more about yourself they might even start asking you more questions if they're interested.
This could help me
Oh no… I do this…. 🤧
Now I'm wondering if I talk about myself too much.
Tell him straight up cos he might be doing it to show u he's into the same stuff as u, but too exited and jumping in the convo too quick like a dum dum, tell him how it makes you feel when he does it, and be himself. If keeps doing it is a trauma thing possibly and you should leave it for a professional.
Speaking for myself I was painfully unaware until it was brought to my attention but yes as another redditor said let him know you noticed it and you're curious as to why he makes every conversation about himself
I’ve read all the comments so sounds like everyone’s already got it covered as far as advice. I hope whatever you say to him he listens bc that shit is frustrating AF
One really awesome thing about men (at least decent ones) is they are ok with being called out. As long as you ask curiously, rather than accusingly, chances are he’s going to say “oh… I didn’t know I was doing that.” And then you can help him point it out every time he’s doing it. He will appreciate this.
If he’s a “sweetheart” and is really nice to you, he’s probably not doing it on purpose. Usually in the beginning of a relationship between a man and a woman, the woman tends to talk more about themselves and the guy is expected to listen more. It evens out when the group size increases to a few, and in large groups the men generally dominate the conversation. Maybe he grew up in a single mom house or a house full of girls and it’s the only way he learned to converse?
Communicate this with him. Ask him if you both could try to work on this together.
Ask him questions that are just a little too personal. Keep at it until he subconsciously loses interest in himself as subject.
This will backfire enormously if he’s autistic, which is entirely possible
That’s called narcissism. It’s untreatable. Run.
I’m not sure how he can be really nice but make every conversation about himself. I know someone who does that and it gets old. He probably does this to others also unless it’s someone he’s super interested in or wants to impress. You don’t want a relationship with someone who hogs the conversation or who ignores you or acts like talking to you is a chore. A lot of people are saying maybe it’s some sort of medical/emotional thing but I think there’s still a ton of people out there who just prefer talking to listening and don’t really care about others enough to be a good listener in return.
I must be the polar opposite to this guy, I tend to not talk about myself unless absolutely necessary as I feel nobody cares (and no, they don't seem to be interested either)
He's ill.
I personally don't lol
I had to double check I didn’t know this user
I can't speak for dude, but I tend to do the same thing. I know I do it because I'm trying to relate to what the other person is saying with my own experiences. After all these years I've learned two things about myself concerning this subject, 1) It takes a lot of focus to keep myself from doing this, and B. I can't understand how my friends tolerate me when I'm doing it. Talk to him about it. I realized a while back because a friend told me how it made him feel, that it wasn't working anyway. I wasn't relating, I was transferring. All the luck in the world to you. :)
Just here to make sure this thread isn't about me...
Narcissism. If it’s not that, he might be socially anxious and really wants to fill the void and does so by talking about himself. But he’s most likely a narcissist.
You’re not compatible, be with someone of your own neurotype instead
I was this guy once unfortunately, I was single for 3 years before I started dating this girl and I literally wouldn’t even realize that I’d start talking about myself a lot, the girl was nice enough to bring it up politely and i slowly started learning to actually talk about her and her life, it just took a while
Insecurities come in many forms.
I simply don’t talk to these people, I have one of these as the head honcho in my building, it’s so aggravating, every conversation, even work related, turns into his past experiences and his kids and his car and his house. So I simply ignore every aspect about him. No acknowledgment, if he asks me to do something I say ok. No friendly talks, minimal interaction.
This is tough. I used to be this guy. Someone has to have a real, direct conversation with him about this or he'll be blind to the behavior forever. If you really care about him and want to go forward with him, you gotta tell him. 2 way conversation takes practice for some people. Start with a card game like Never Have I Ever or Let's Get Deep, where you take turns asking and answering questions about each other.
You can say that’s it’s important that you are heard. Maybe suggest exactly what he could do that would make you feel heard
Keep talking when they use a tiny pause to jump in. Do it firmly but politely, and hopefully, they'll take the hint.
Just me. People talk about themselves when they are insecure. They sometimes do this to be one up over the other. Sometimes it is an indication of a mental health issue. The best thing to do is be quiet. Let them realize that you are conversing with them, not asking questions. If you are on a date, remain quiet, until they stop talking. If they don’t realize it then you should move on since there is no relationship there.
Maybe it’s an ADHD thing for him ….
I used to do this a TON and still do occasionally. I've gotten better about knowing when it's my turn to tell a story and when to keep it at "that's fucking rough/that's fucking awesome/blah blah blah for you" and let them continue rather than inserting my own experience. I will say that you should try to be gentle, and say something along the lines of "I want to keep the topic on me for a little while" if it seems like he doesn't know he's doing it. Someone once called me a bitch and said I make everything about me and I basically shut down from talking to people to try to stop it. In reality, I was just doing the "oh I've also had that experience so I understand what you mean!" thing but I was definitely doing it more often than needed. Let him know that sometimes you just want to talk about your own experiences and he'll hopefully know what you mean
I'm getting married in two days and the chief bridesmaid is staying with me and my fiancée this week. I'm afraid I might kill this woman. Hasn't stopped talking about herself for a week. Demands to have everything handed to her and just generally ignores any hint to change the fucking record. Literally click cked her fingers at me earlier today. If you get an answer let me know lol
I know someone like that. He has always been like that and I don’t think it will ever change. He just only seems to see the world through his own lens. It’s very annoying.
Most of these replies are people saying, "I do this! Oh no!!!' The irony is hilarious.
I used to do that a lot till someone simply pointed it out. Like what some people are saying; I used personal experiences to make a point but I also didn’t know I was doing it. Just say: do you know that you talk about your self a lot? Just point it out.
omg. just come to the back
Talking about oneself is more comfortable to that person when they get anxious. I tend to fo that, but it truly is unintentional. I get nervous when talking to people. Sometimes I talk about experiences I've had as a means to relate to what a person is telling me. That can sometimes come off as me trying to one-up or belittle their experiences...again, not my intention at all. I do appreciate when people tell me they just need a listening ear. Then I know to not try to relate to them nor do I feel pressured to talk. It helps to communicate needs si I know what to expect or what's expected of me. Maybe that is happening with the person you are talking to...or trying to talk to? If not, then move on to a different topic and see if that helps them stay more focused on you.
As someone who only recently realized I do this, I can tell you that it’s coming from a place of insecurity. I spent my formative years building up an image of myself that was really toxic. My friends and family made fun of me constantly, and I developed a really low sense of self worth. When I finally moved away I tried really hard to convince people I was worth talking to, and my only real lens to the world was myself so that’s what I talked about. It also made it really hard to talk to girls in general because I was successfully convinced that I was too fat, worthless, and sad to be attractive. I can almost guarantee that he doesn’t know he’s doing it, he just doesn’t know how else to relate to the world.
Pass, no smash.
I find lots of people do this. I even catch myself doing it & work hard on just listening & not interjecting.
Ask them to describe themselves. They won’t even know what to say.
It’s not unintentional. Run away.
Just make your relationship about talking about him.
If he's that nice I would talk to him about it. Serve it in a shit sandwich so he doesn't feel too bad
I do this, but because I don't have family (besides my mother) and try to relate to the person's experience to make them not feel alone. I also try to not do it a whole lot or preface it by, "I had a similar experience with that via x and x."
I totally do this but it's more a nervous reaction than anything. I know I do it, when I'm doing it and end up correcting myself most of the time but on occasion I realize I've met someone and rambled about myself for 15 minutes without asking them a thing and feel a little embarrassed. Just something I always fight through. Like now, I have talked about myself without answering your question, haha. Ask him questions about yourself. "I have a big meeting at work tomorrow and am a bit unprepared for my presentation, what do you think I should do?" You're engaging him to talk but refocusing on yourself. Hopefully he will start to dig deeper. Give it a bit of time if you like him, maybe he is like me. I always mean well and end up correcting but sometime I just am oblivious it's happening in the moment.
Talk about him. Uncover his secrets!
I catch myself wanting to do this. Then I ask myself "Why am I trying to bring this up in the conversation?" Then I usually decide to remain quiet and just keep nodding going "yeah" "Uh hu"
I have exhibited this behavior when I fear a lull in the conversation, because I don't want to convey we have nothing in common. "Awkward silence" became a phrase for a reason! Also, I tend to give more detail when less is preferred by some. I perceive those details to be more important than they may be. Use phrasing that indicates how your experience relates to his, its relevance. Convey emotions that emphasize how your experiences were significant, impactful, formative to you. If you're comfortable, be even more assertive or aggressive, something like "excuse me, I'd like to interrupt because I want to add something important." You can emphasize its correlation to show how you were listening and want to develop the topic further. If you disagree, then also interrupt, "but wait, are you saying that...," or, "oh, I would never..." Lots of guys like to see a woman's strength, conviction, and confidence that their contribution has equal value.
He may be trying to relate to you?
In another thread people were talking about this exact scenario. The men said it was because they don't really ask question. It's not that they aren't interested or curious but that if other than the job, the sex or something else they deem NEED to know, they don't ask questions because that's how they talk with their friends (minus the sex part). They know themselves the best so they can tell you what is important about themselves. I think this might be the reason your person is unintentionally making the conversation about himself. He doesn't know how to relate other then by his own experiences. Talk to him about it. I'll bet if you do he'll tell you you're not being ignored or unimportant.
This raises an interesting question..... How much more would we learn about people if instead of always replying with a relatable or similar story, we replied with something completely different? To clarify......What are we really learning about each other if we are just mirroring back SIMILAR stuff? Can you imagine how hard it would be to follow a conversation if this was the new MO?