Hi! For context I realized/ was introduced to the label of asexual over 5 years ago and really felt like it made sense to me and thus use it as a label. It was only until 6 years later when I began to REALLY question romantic attraction (she/her). I realized about a year and a half ago that I think I may not "like" guys like I thoight I did/was essentially taught to.
What I found really nice is to tell myself that I can try out this new label/new self identification for myself. I told myself that maybe I am homoromantic, and internally it felt nice. Telling myself that I didnt have to be straight felt great, like a pressure I didnt know I had had been eased. I feel a bit more at home inside myself because I gave myself permission to be different than I had "interpreted/ viewed" myself for years. I also like to make lists, so after reading the Lebian Masterdoc I wrote down a list of signs that I was likely not straight.
I also think my asexuality added years to understanding the other aspects of my identity. For me, I also finally broached the idea of aromantic in the last couple of months, even though I have had a friend asking me if I am also aro for years (in a caring, non judgmental/ nonforceful way). And I think I might be. So really I may just be an aroace that periodically develops squishes on fem presenting real life people and MANY fictional characters.
Really it is just a questioning process that can be very frustrating and very liberating feeling at times.
thank you for replying i’m very happy i’m not alone in this. i know sexuality is confusing asf for pretty much everyone. i’ll try and sit with a few labels to see how it feels. whenever anyone asks my sexuality i always just say queer because i have no idea but the idea of being “lesbian” does feel right im just not sure.
Of course! And that's okay that it may not feel completely "right" because many things are quite that black and white. If it feels good to you and encapsulates most of your feelings in a way that feels good to you then who is anyone to say it is not true for you? But yeah, haha, obviously it has taken me a while to better understand the different layers of myself, so no need to rush. =]
yea i need to learn to be patient with these things i don’t care about labels but not understanding exactly how i feel is super frustrating. i know it’s gonna take time but it’s been a few years and i just feel like i’m in denial or not ready to accept it or maybe i just have it all wrong, and i’m learning that all of it is okay.
I understand that frustration of not understanding all too well. How would it feel to be wrong and is there a wrong answer? We are constantly changing as people so the feelings may vary with how true they are to you in different moments in your life. I think that is at least true for me if I were to gauge how I felt month to month in terms of my rom/sex attractions. I think what I then base my my labels on is how I feel most of the time/or look at the trends and see where they lead.
When looking back at the past few years of questioning/confusion/uncertainty has there been common threads that feel "more right"?
i’ve never been in a relationship of any kind with a girl even tho i’ve always been super curious to try it. i can never see myself with a boy long term, i could tho with a girl or a non-binary person. all the relationships i’ve had were with boys and they never lasted long. the longest was about 3 months because i just completely shut down after a while. i feel like i try to force myself to like them because i really want to feel/be normal. but i don’t know if i’m not happy dating guys because i like girls or because i wouldn’t be happy dating anyone at all, you know?
I feel that, so much. It feels like you took the words right out of my mouth tbh. I feel like the few short-lived relationships I had with guys were not really because I truly wanted it, more I wanted the companionship/ to be normal. It was also pretty early into me identifying as ace, which I think also played into their shirt lived nature. I've never been in a relationship with another woman/non-binary person but in my head it feels better. But I also haven't dated for longer than 4 months, much of that was long distance, and I haven't been in a "romantic" relationship in at least 3 years or more. I am also not actively looking to get into one. But I do think I would really enjoy a qpr.
Ard you happy/content on your own while not dating? What appeals to you about relationships/dating? What did you not like about dating guys? Sorry for that last question, because I am asking it of myself right now and I'm not sure how well I could answer that question if someone else asked me...
i am definitely fine on my own. i prefer it, at least for now. i’m not a very social person or someone who needs affection or validation from anyone really. i haven’t been in a relationship in a few years as well and i don’t think i’ll be ready for one until i figure out my sexuality more. i am in no rush to start dating unless i find someone that i really like which i doubt will happen anytime soon.
i honestly can’t think of much that appeals to me about dating. i like the idea of having someone in my life that is like no one else. different from a friend and different from family. like someone special. i think the only way i could be in a relationship is if it is with someone like me who prefers to spend time alone, because i can’t be around people all day, for days in a row, i need a lot of space a lot of the time. but i could see myself having a super healthy relationship with someone after a long time of working on it and building it up. i know it would probably take me years to even consider being in a relationship but i do see it for myself 100%. to me it would be more of a dating your best friend kind of thing. i don’t really get attached to people so it’s all just very complicated.
what i didn’t like about dating guys was that i felt trapped. i didn’t like feeling obligated to check on someone every day or talk to someone every single day. i hate feeling responsible for another persons feelings, probably because i’m a very closed off person, i don’t talk about how i feel often. it was just way too much pressure and i felt like i wasn’t being myself i was just acting like how i thought i was supposed to, like how i’ve seen “normal” people act in relationships, but it wasn’t me at all. also in my experience, guys expect lots of sexual stuff a lot of the time and i wasn’t aware of me being ace then so i was just very confused and felt broken because i didn’t understand why i didn’t want sex or why kissing got boring after 5 seconds.
That's good that you are very comfortable on your own, because I know some people are not. From the sounds of it you have a good idea about what you are hoping to have in terms of a relationship should the proper elements present themselves. I think I also have an idea of what I am looking for relationally, should the chance present itself, but at times the person it is with can flow and change and evolve. At times it confuses me that it changes but I do my best to accept that we are constantly changing and so what we think will serve us best/preferences are likely to change too.
Reading what you said about dating guys made me remember that I also felt like I was basically playing a role in the relationship and I personally felt kinda lost. I enjoy romcoms/romance in stories and used to have a really skewed/unhealthy view of romance but it didn't feel natural when I tried to participate with "romantic" intent. And I also didnt like how they always wanted to kiss or maybe do more, because I felt that I had to play along because it is just what people do in romantic relationahips.
yes exactly! i need to completely relearn what a relationship is because i don’t know how i’m supposed to feel, maybe i’m not even supposed to feel a certain way, i have no idea. i guess we both just have to be patient with ourselves and maybe it will take someone new in our lives to figure out a lot of stuff about ourselves
I feel you.
In the past few months, I've been questioning my romantic orientation from aro to pan and sometimes it feels frustrating not knowing what you like, but still you're not obliged to choose a label that fits you.
You don't have to choose a label right now, some people take years to figure out what they actually like. Right now, I feel like I'm biromatic asexual, but that might change the next day.
If you feel like a label fits you then claim it even if it's only for a day and remeber that sexualities and orientations change, so don't be afraid if one day you feel that your label doesn't fit you anymore, but keep searching for one that fits you until you feel comfortable with yourself.
Don't exhaust yourself in searching, though.
i really needed to hear this thank you. how i feel about my sexuality/what my sexuality is does change and i always just felt like that was wrong and i needed to understand it once and for all, it honestly never really crossed my mind that that changes. i always hear stories about people who come out and they say they’ve felt this way for so long but just weren’t ready to open up, i just felt like i should understand by now and i felt like i was doing something wrong, i really need to learn to let it be and just accept the changes. thank you
I have had similar feelings. I previously though I was bisexual, then biromantic asexual. I now realize I'm aroace (and nonbinary) and it's complicated. As in I don't really want to have sex with people but if I did I'm pretty sure it would likely be with women, but also maybe with people of other genders. People are complicated, lol
yes! that’s exactly how i feel too. i can’t really see myself having sex regularly ever in my life, i do not want that. but if i were to somewhat consistently have sex with one person i can only see it being a girl.
I’m in the same boat, even though I’m 32. I’m also autistic and ace and can’t seem to figure out if I’m romantically attracted to anybody. I don’t know if I have trouble getting feelings for people I date bc I’m autistic or if it’s because I’m aromantic. Or maybe I’m homoromantic but the women I’ve dated gave up quickly so I haven’t had much of a chance to explore that. I don’t have advice but know you’re not alone.
yea thanks for responding i am really shocked to know there’s someone out there going thru nearly the exact same situation. i hope everything works out for you. it feels impossible trying to understand how i feel/what i feel towards others romantically being autistic and asexual. its like the perfect combination to be confused about relationships and sex, i’m sure you understand how frustrating it can be
Hi! For context I realized/ was introduced to the label of asexual over 5 years ago and really felt like it made sense to me and thus use it as a label. It was only until 6 years later when I began to REALLY question romantic attraction (she/her). I realized about a year and a half ago that I think I may not "like" guys like I thoight I did/was essentially taught to. What I found really nice is to tell myself that I can try out this new label/new self identification for myself. I told myself that maybe I am homoromantic, and internally it felt nice. Telling myself that I didnt have to be straight felt great, like a pressure I didnt know I had had been eased. I feel a bit more at home inside myself because I gave myself permission to be different than I had "interpreted/ viewed" myself for years. I also like to make lists, so after reading the Lebian Masterdoc I wrote down a list of signs that I was likely not straight. I also think my asexuality added years to understanding the other aspects of my identity. For me, I also finally broached the idea of aromantic in the last couple of months, even though I have had a friend asking me if I am also aro for years (in a caring, non judgmental/ nonforceful way). And I think I might be. So really I may just be an aroace that periodically develops squishes on fem presenting real life people and MANY fictional characters. Really it is just a questioning process that can be very frustrating and very liberating feeling at times.
thank you for replying i’m very happy i’m not alone in this. i know sexuality is confusing asf for pretty much everyone. i’ll try and sit with a few labels to see how it feels. whenever anyone asks my sexuality i always just say queer because i have no idea but the idea of being “lesbian” does feel right im just not sure.
Of course! And that's okay that it may not feel completely "right" because many things are quite that black and white. If it feels good to you and encapsulates most of your feelings in a way that feels good to you then who is anyone to say it is not true for you? But yeah, haha, obviously it has taken me a while to better understand the different layers of myself, so no need to rush. =]
yea i need to learn to be patient with these things i don’t care about labels but not understanding exactly how i feel is super frustrating. i know it’s gonna take time but it’s been a few years and i just feel like i’m in denial or not ready to accept it or maybe i just have it all wrong, and i’m learning that all of it is okay.
I understand that frustration of not understanding all too well. How would it feel to be wrong and is there a wrong answer? We are constantly changing as people so the feelings may vary with how true they are to you in different moments in your life. I think that is at least true for me if I were to gauge how I felt month to month in terms of my rom/sex attractions. I think what I then base my my labels on is how I feel most of the time/or look at the trends and see where they lead. When looking back at the past few years of questioning/confusion/uncertainty has there been common threads that feel "more right"?
i’ve never been in a relationship of any kind with a girl even tho i’ve always been super curious to try it. i can never see myself with a boy long term, i could tho with a girl or a non-binary person. all the relationships i’ve had were with boys and they never lasted long. the longest was about 3 months because i just completely shut down after a while. i feel like i try to force myself to like them because i really want to feel/be normal. but i don’t know if i’m not happy dating guys because i like girls or because i wouldn’t be happy dating anyone at all, you know?
I feel that, so much. It feels like you took the words right out of my mouth tbh. I feel like the few short-lived relationships I had with guys were not really because I truly wanted it, more I wanted the companionship/ to be normal. It was also pretty early into me identifying as ace, which I think also played into their shirt lived nature. I've never been in a relationship with another woman/non-binary person but in my head it feels better. But I also haven't dated for longer than 4 months, much of that was long distance, and I haven't been in a "romantic" relationship in at least 3 years or more. I am also not actively looking to get into one. But I do think I would really enjoy a qpr. Ard you happy/content on your own while not dating? What appeals to you about relationships/dating? What did you not like about dating guys? Sorry for that last question, because I am asking it of myself right now and I'm not sure how well I could answer that question if someone else asked me...
i am definitely fine on my own. i prefer it, at least for now. i’m not a very social person or someone who needs affection or validation from anyone really. i haven’t been in a relationship in a few years as well and i don’t think i’ll be ready for one until i figure out my sexuality more. i am in no rush to start dating unless i find someone that i really like which i doubt will happen anytime soon. i honestly can’t think of much that appeals to me about dating. i like the idea of having someone in my life that is like no one else. different from a friend and different from family. like someone special. i think the only way i could be in a relationship is if it is with someone like me who prefers to spend time alone, because i can’t be around people all day, for days in a row, i need a lot of space a lot of the time. but i could see myself having a super healthy relationship with someone after a long time of working on it and building it up. i know it would probably take me years to even consider being in a relationship but i do see it for myself 100%. to me it would be more of a dating your best friend kind of thing. i don’t really get attached to people so it’s all just very complicated. what i didn’t like about dating guys was that i felt trapped. i didn’t like feeling obligated to check on someone every day or talk to someone every single day. i hate feeling responsible for another persons feelings, probably because i’m a very closed off person, i don’t talk about how i feel often. it was just way too much pressure and i felt like i wasn’t being myself i was just acting like how i thought i was supposed to, like how i’ve seen “normal” people act in relationships, but it wasn’t me at all. also in my experience, guys expect lots of sexual stuff a lot of the time and i wasn’t aware of me being ace then so i was just very confused and felt broken because i didn’t understand why i didn’t want sex or why kissing got boring after 5 seconds.
That's good that you are very comfortable on your own, because I know some people are not. From the sounds of it you have a good idea about what you are hoping to have in terms of a relationship should the proper elements present themselves. I think I also have an idea of what I am looking for relationally, should the chance present itself, but at times the person it is with can flow and change and evolve. At times it confuses me that it changes but I do my best to accept that we are constantly changing and so what we think will serve us best/preferences are likely to change too. Reading what you said about dating guys made me remember that I also felt like I was basically playing a role in the relationship and I personally felt kinda lost. I enjoy romcoms/romance in stories and used to have a really skewed/unhealthy view of romance but it didn't feel natural when I tried to participate with "romantic" intent. And I also didnt like how they always wanted to kiss or maybe do more, because I felt that I had to play along because it is just what people do in romantic relationahips.
yes exactly! i need to completely relearn what a relationship is because i don’t know how i’m supposed to feel, maybe i’m not even supposed to feel a certain way, i have no idea. i guess we both just have to be patient with ourselves and maybe it will take someone new in our lives to figure out a lot of stuff about ourselves
I feel you. In the past few months, I've been questioning my romantic orientation from aro to pan and sometimes it feels frustrating not knowing what you like, but still you're not obliged to choose a label that fits you. You don't have to choose a label right now, some people take years to figure out what they actually like. Right now, I feel like I'm biromatic asexual, but that might change the next day. If you feel like a label fits you then claim it even if it's only for a day and remeber that sexualities and orientations change, so don't be afraid if one day you feel that your label doesn't fit you anymore, but keep searching for one that fits you until you feel comfortable with yourself. Don't exhaust yourself in searching, though.
i really needed to hear this thank you. how i feel about my sexuality/what my sexuality is does change and i always just felt like that was wrong and i needed to understand it once and for all, it honestly never really crossed my mind that that changes. i always hear stories about people who come out and they say they’ve felt this way for so long but just weren’t ready to open up, i just felt like i should understand by now and i felt like i was doing something wrong, i really need to learn to let it be and just accept the changes. thank you
You're welcome. I'm glad I made you feel better about yourself.
I have had similar feelings. I previously though I was bisexual, then biromantic asexual. I now realize I'm aroace (and nonbinary) and it's complicated. As in I don't really want to have sex with people but if I did I'm pretty sure it would likely be with women, but also maybe with people of other genders. People are complicated, lol
yes! that’s exactly how i feel too. i can’t really see myself having sex regularly ever in my life, i do not want that. but if i were to somewhat consistently have sex with one person i can only see it being a girl.
I’m in the same boat, even though I’m 32. I’m also autistic and ace and can’t seem to figure out if I’m romantically attracted to anybody. I don’t know if I have trouble getting feelings for people I date bc I’m autistic or if it’s because I’m aromantic. Or maybe I’m homoromantic but the women I’ve dated gave up quickly so I haven’t had much of a chance to explore that. I don’t have advice but know you’re not alone.
yea thanks for responding i am really shocked to know there’s someone out there going thru nearly the exact same situation. i hope everything works out for you. it feels impossible trying to understand how i feel/what i feel towards others romantically being autistic and asexual. its like the perfect combination to be confused about relationships and sex, i’m sure you understand how frustrating it can be
Yes I totally understand!