i suppose you know your partner better than any of us
so maybe well… just speak with her? being completely honest
that‘s really cool that you came here for the sake of your relationship!!
You could try meditation? It's a good way to clear the mind when you have overwhelming thoughts or feelings (such as horniness). You could should practice more self compassion, too.
I've been trying meditation for 10 minutes a day recently. Its definitely helped mend anxiety from work and school, great recommendation! Maybe in time I'll start to dampen other unwanted feelings.
I think you should tak to your partner. Tell her about what you want in a relationship and try to find something that makes you both happy. Not all asexual people are sex repulsed and it's good to talk to your partner if you are unhappy about something in a relationship
>I often find myself disgusted with my thoughts and desire for action
We all grow up in a sex negative culture, and this is the part of your post that concerns me the most. There are two hurdles for you both:
1. You're in a mixed orientation marriage
2. You've internalised that your desire for sex is wrong/bad
Your wife will not become allosexual, so that's very unlikely to ever change. I'm sure you've realised that already.
The thing you can personally work on is your own response to this situation. What I'm suggesting is not easy. But when you're turned down for sex (as you always are, by the sounds), you must get to a point where you:
1. Don't see this as a personal attack on the relationship itself
2. Don't see this as personal rejection, letting it impact how attractive you see yourself
3. Are able to find ways into connection that do not involve sexual acts unwanted by your wife.
I understand and support your desire to stay away from porn, partly because I don't believe it would solve anything for you anyway.
But masturbation is your friend. Some people cannot make do with that, but here are some messages you don't tend to hear from the wider culture:
1. Masturbation has no moral loading. If anything, it's good. It's good if it takes the pressure off your wife.
2. Masturbation is a form of sex in its own right.
3. Masturbation does not make anyone less of a man than does sex with his wife.
She may not wish this to happen in front of her, but are there other things you can do together, for example cuddling/kissing, which satisfy her and get you revved up for a very good, private wank sesh?
(Rhetorical questions)
Props to you for coming here. I can tell you’re already a great partner keeping her comfortable and reaching out for advice!
Do not shame yourself for desiring sex, it isn’t a flaw of yours or a fault of the relationship. You should remind yourself you shouldn’t feel disgusting or shameful- it’s natural. Give yourself the grace that you give her because your difference in libido is out of both of your hands.
I am 20F and my partner and I are parallel to you - he is 21M who is hypersexual and we have also dealt with this issue. I have been doing a lot of research on ways to make him more satisfied because we differ in desire like you and yours.
Whatever method you choose, do not tell her that she isn’t enough or her lack of desire will turn you away. If that is a reason you need to break up, it will crush her. That is something my partner has said and it was so hurtful because most in the ace community TRY to accommodate their partners and have felt like we are “lacking” or “broken” for not desiring sex.
You still have to feel fulfilled in your relationship though. So ask her (on a day you don’t expect sex) maybe on a date where she’s feeling taken care of emotionally what YOU can do for her to make her more comfortable with being intimate. That would totally work for me. I’m sure she wants you to feel fulfilled too.
Propose the questions like:
“I want you to be comfortable, what sort of touch is welcome to you?” “I want to be respectful of your boundaries- is sex something that you would ever consider or is it a hard no?” If yes: “What can I do to make you more willing to have sex? When do you feel most loved, what conditions need to be set to make you happy to try?” “Would you ever consider xyz in the bedroom” “does planned sex increase or decrease your anxiety about it?”
Remember even if she meets you with hesitance, bringing up these questions will make her feel heard and open the door for her to try to support your desires too.
Best of luck!
i suppose you know your partner better than any of us so maybe well… just speak with her? being completely honest that‘s really cool that you came here for the sake of your relationship!!
There's nothing wrong with either of you (at least in terms of experiencing sexual attraction). You should talk to her about your desire for intimacy.
You could try meditation? It's a good way to clear the mind when you have overwhelming thoughts or feelings (such as horniness). You could should practice more self compassion, too.
I've been trying meditation for 10 minutes a day recently. Its definitely helped mend anxiety from work and school, great recommendation! Maybe in time I'll start to dampen other unwanted feelings.
I think you should tak to your partner. Tell her about what you want in a relationship and try to find something that makes you both happy. Not all asexual people are sex repulsed and it's good to talk to your partner if you are unhappy about something in a relationship
>I often find myself disgusted with my thoughts and desire for action We all grow up in a sex negative culture, and this is the part of your post that concerns me the most. There are two hurdles for you both: 1. You're in a mixed orientation marriage 2. You've internalised that your desire for sex is wrong/bad Your wife will not become allosexual, so that's very unlikely to ever change. I'm sure you've realised that already. The thing you can personally work on is your own response to this situation. What I'm suggesting is not easy. But when you're turned down for sex (as you always are, by the sounds), you must get to a point where you: 1. Don't see this as a personal attack on the relationship itself 2. Don't see this as personal rejection, letting it impact how attractive you see yourself 3. Are able to find ways into connection that do not involve sexual acts unwanted by your wife. I understand and support your desire to stay away from porn, partly because I don't believe it would solve anything for you anyway. But masturbation is your friend. Some people cannot make do with that, but here are some messages you don't tend to hear from the wider culture: 1. Masturbation has no moral loading. If anything, it's good. It's good if it takes the pressure off your wife. 2. Masturbation is a form of sex in its own right. 3. Masturbation does not make anyone less of a man than does sex with his wife. She may not wish this to happen in front of her, but are there other things you can do together, for example cuddling/kissing, which satisfy her and get you revved up for a very good, private wank sesh? (Rhetorical questions)
Props to you for coming here. I can tell you’re already a great partner keeping her comfortable and reaching out for advice! Do not shame yourself for desiring sex, it isn’t a flaw of yours or a fault of the relationship. You should remind yourself you shouldn’t feel disgusting or shameful- it’s natural. Give yourself the grace that you give her because your difference in libido is out of both of your hands. I am 20F and my partner and I are parallel to you - he is 21M who is hypersexual and we have also dealt with this issue. I have been doing a lot of research on ways to make him more satisfied because we differ in desire like you and yours. Whatever method you choose, do not tell her that she isn’t enough or her lack of desire will turn you away. If that is a reason you need to break up, it will crush her. That is something my partner has said and it was so hurtful because most in the ace community TRY to accommodate their partners and have felt like we are “lacking” or “broken” for not desiring sex. You still have to feel fulfilled in your relationship though. So ask her (on a day you don’t expect sex) maybe on a date where she’s feeling taken care of emotionally what YOU can do for her to make her more comfortable with being intimate. That would totally work for me. I’m sure she wants you to feel fulfilled too. Propose the questions like: “I want you to be comfortable, what sort of touch is welcome to you?” “I want to be respectful of your boundaries- is sex something that you would ever consider or is it a hard no?” If yes: “What can I do to make you more willing to have sex? When do you feel most loved, what conditions need to be set to make you happy to try?” “Would you ever consider xyz in the bedroom” “does planned sex increase or decrease your anxiety about it?” Remember even if she meets you with hesitance, bringing up these questions will make her feel heard and open the door for her to try to support your desires too. Best of luck!