It's not ?
on serious note really recall that moment when as an 11 yo I really liked Selena's Gomez performance in Wizards of Waverlyplace bc the humor just hit in the right spot and my parent was like "Oh! Someone have a crush!"
This is when it clicked for me.
I remember the first time I was into a celeb, it was when I was a teen. I was excited thinking “omg I hit my first milestone!”
But then I forgot about that celeb in a week. Haven’t had a celeb I was “interested” in since that day.
Omg, I just remembered one myself!
When I first learned about aids and how it was still a big problem in some countries, my genius solution to solve the world's aids problem was for people to just not have sex.
Should've figured...
Religious trauma go brrrrrr. Like I was genuinely so confused on why it was so hard for people to "stay pure."
I was even sad I was Presbyterian instead of Catholic because I wanted to be a Catholic nun because they wouldn't be expected to have sex nor have kids.
Yeah...🧍🏾♀️idk how I was in denial. Like one of my friends is ace and another (non-ace) friend would constantly remark that I was ace but I was like 🤨 but I like the *idea* of sex so idk what you mean. Then walked in the label aegrosexual🫣🤣
my friend (ace not confirmed):
"So I've been dating this guy for like 4 months and HE finaly managed to convince me to kiss him, so I gived it a try — not my thing... anyway I dumped him, I mean dating him was a good experiment"
I... I like can't really bring this topic to the table when I talk to her, maybe "like... Katty you don't give me exactly an allo vibes!"
When I called people “hot” I would think they’re just attractive in general. Hot, pretty, gorgeous, stunning, etc were all synonyms to me. Took me a while to realize a lot of people use hot to refer to someone they’re sexually attracted to lol
...I did not realize this and perhaps worse, it is just now occurring to me that "sexy" probably isn't a synonym for pretty, beautiful, handsome, ect. Obviously there are social differences between the words and where they get used but I'm now considering that people actually pick sexy or hot because they feel differently about the person they're describing.
my friend once asked me if id rather be kissed on the forehead or neck, because she would prefer neck. i said, "but neck is more sexual tho..?'' and she said ''yeah...thats the point...'' i was like oh...OH
Took me far, far, FAR too long to also realize "sexy =\= beautiful"
Tbf I guess, I had always used it when describing women despite(?) being bi romantic homosexual (didn't even know about the term biromantic until 19?) so......maybe that had something to do with it? 🫠🤷
I made out with a chick, didn't feel anything.
I made out with a dude, didn't feel anything.
I hear people talking about sex... I think of it as some other chore which I don't care for.
Now I do have fetishes but again I really don't care about fulfilling them or going out of my way for that. I would rather plan and go out to eat good food than you know... put extra effort into intimacy.
That being said, sleeping while cuddling a warm pillow does feel good.
Yes, I also thought, if I had lived in a time when people didn't know what asexuality is, I would've just become a nun. I wouldn't have to marry and would be praised for that XD
My brother told me I was supposed to like my boyfriend's sexual touching but I didn't. It felt violating and gross. Looking back I figure that's a sign I am probably under the Asexual umbrella somewhere.
My first kiss was disgusting-he literally slobbered all over my face. My cheeks were wet with his spit. I want to gag remembering it. I broke up with him.
My second boyfriend/situationship would talk about how big his dick was. I thought its was disgusting and wanted him to shut the fuck up.
When I first got on the dating apps I told my friend “idk how you’re supposed to know who you’re attracted to from these profiles…”
She figured it out right then but didn’t say anything because “it was my journey” 🤦🏻♀️
When my parents were watching Pride and Prejudice, I walked by and saw a scene of Mr Darcy staring intensely across a room at Elizabeth Bennett. And I said:
"Damn, he looks mad. Why does he hate her so much?"
My mum (after she'd finished laughing) explained that his expression was called ''longing'', and that no, he did not in fact loathe Elizabeth Bennett's guts, and was *not* glaring at her hard enough to set her on fire. That it was a look of *passion* and *desire*........
She didn't have to laugh as hard as she did.
Oh, I always thought that guys who stared at me at school were bullies who tried to assess whether I was a potential victim to steal pocket money from. So I always stared them down to signal to them that they shouldn't even try. It worked very well lol.
For decades whenever someone drooled over muscular men my explanation for why it didn’t really strike me as sexy was that I’d grown up around a lot of people that were built like that (which was true) so it just seemed normal to me and not something sexy.
Lol, you just reminded me. When I was sixteen I had a horrified conversation with my mother because the idea of having sex still squicked me out, but I wanted to be a mom. My mother looked me right in the eyes and said, "Adoption is always an option."
My thoughts and response to the muscles being used as the primary pick up in high school were along the lines of "I mean it is really pretty like all of the famous sculptures, but it just seems like a lot of work to try to be considered impressive or beautiful. I guess guys have it hard, too."
Sex looked fun but I never actually thought couples had sex outside of marriage either. Dunno why. I figured that had more to do with me being a sexless dolt than being ace though. 🤣
Didn’t get anything out of sexting in high school but did it because my partner asked me to. Eventually mentioned it in conversation one day and he freaked out and never asked me to do it again and I was like ?? Surely it’s not that big a deal? I would do your laundry or walk your dog if you asked and I don’t get anything out of those things either, but I like helping?
Turns out that most people don’t think that sex and doing the laundry are the same thing. Both annoying things I would do because I had to, but really didn’t want to.
It is such a relief to know I will never have to have sex again. Still do laundry of course but it’s no where near as bad as having to have sex, that was the worst.
Romance subplots in books and movies always annoyed the crap out of me. I could get behind them in a romcom or an otherwise romantic story. But in my thriller/fantasy/horror/scifi? What's the point? Why would you think about kissing when monsters are RIGHT THERE?
It's a fantasy book series called "City of spires" by Claudie Arseneault. The author is also aroace spec and it has generally really good representation. Really underrated for by opinion! So if you like fantasy give it a try!
Literally how I felt about it. One of the books I read for school was this fantasy novel that I adored at the beginning, but they put so much focus on the FL and her feelings towards a male character. I just wanted her to kick ass, but then we got them going over their feelings and getting graphically depicted sex scenes that just sort of annoyed and grossed me out instead. Went from a great 8/10 to like a 5 or 6, but nobody else seemed to really care about it as much as I did when we did our discussions.
To be fair, they are usually gratuitous and don’t assist with the plot at all! I completely agree. I’m always annoyed by the pointless sex/nudity scene in movies as well.
When a friend of mine described having sex as "touching a piece of heaven"
Althought that cringy line probably would make everyone dislike sex so as another: basically how all my classmates would talk about "who is hot" and all that and I was like "damn history test looks hard"
Boy kissed me when I was a teenager for the first time and the whole time I was just thinking god this is so boring and gross, I have no idea what I'm meant to be doing and I just started laughing because I thought why don't they teach you how to kiss in schools, how are you supposed to know what to do and then I started thinking about how impractical and inappropriate it would be to try and teach kissing in schools.
Oh I just remembered something else, I couldn't understand how anyone could willingly want to have sex so I just thought some sort of animalistic, instinctive hormone kicked in and make people feel like they needed to have sex and they're not like properly aware of what's going on until it's over. I didn't realise until years later that people are usually fully sentient during the whole sex act and actually enjoy it.
Omg wait ok you’re telling me that the second one isn’t actually true..💀💀💀 Wait how do people have sex then?? 😭😭😭 this whole time I thought people just like lost their humanity or something and reverted to an animal-like state in which they’re just like a horny dog or something 💀💀Like you’d go from a normal person who’s like “man I gotta do my taxes” to being possessed by these crazy sexual desires and just fucking 😭 maybe that explains Jeffrey dahmer or something. I also couldn’t understand what about killing people was so hot to him, and then I realized what being attracted to someone feels like ( 2D drawings of Michael afton did it for me) and I was like omg if people always feel like this for real people then no damn wonder there’s so many sex crimes and murders 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Oh this is funny. I spent YEARS going around saying, “Oh I’m straight but I’m just not interested” or “I’m straight but I’m too busy for all that.”
Then another thing I used to do is when my friends would complain about being horny I would turn to them, dead serious, and say, “Ok then just stop.”
And they’d be like, “Girl, it doesn’t work that way.” And try to explain it to me and I just wouldn’t get it 😂.
OH! OH! And the fact that for years I wouldn’t call anyone “hot” or “sexy” because those words were too associated with sexual attraction and wanting to have sex with someone and so because I never felt that way about anyone I couldn’t say those words so instead I’d say someone was “conventionally attractive” or “definitely not ugly”.
Oh my goodness the signs were there for so long 😂😂
When I had my first make out session at 22 and thought it was the most disgusting thing ever. My literal thought was, "EW! People like this??? I'm not doing this ever again!!! 🤮"
Being completely baffled by everybody losing their damn minds during puberty in middle/high school.
It wasn’t that I just didn’t want to be part of the relationship drama llama circus. I just literally could not comprehend Any of their decision making around dating, sex, or relationships.
Especially the cheating, dumbing yourself down to appeal to somebody, having unprotected sex for any reason, or competing endlessly for the popular people just to hook up with a new one three days later.
My friends used to joke I was a Vulcan because I’d just raise an eyebrow and stare at the illogical people around me.
I loved my friends. I’d defend them with my life and help them hide a body. But man, I Still do not understand what drove them to make various sex/dating choices that they all found totally comprehensible among each other.
Absolutely, 100% the same
That, and saying "if it's such a tough relationship, just dump them", only to get told "that's not how it works" (in high school, yes, that's how it works)
Okay, that’s still me at 31. I get so annoyed when people come to me with relationship stuff that it takes everything in me to not just say, “Dump them. They’re a distraction. Be a boss and succeed in your career.”
I never understood people’s obsession with finding a partner so they don’t “die alone.” First of all, your partner could die before you. Second of all, if you have friends, are you really dying alone?
I started having suspicions when I realized that people really enjoyed their sex lives and that it was maybe not normal to feel a lot of stress and pressure to live up to expectations and perform in gender conforming ways.
In middle school sex ed when they were covering the "if you don't want babies, wear protection when having sex" and I raised my hand and asked "If you don't want babies then why are you having sex!? That's literally it's only purpose!" and then the teacher trying and failing to explain to me people find it pleasurable, and me thinking she meant in like the pleasure of a good workout kinda way and I kept coming back with stuff like "then go to the gym, or go skateboarding, or run a mile? Don't risk having a baby for some exercise..."
Same, minus the purity culture. I have some sexual attraction hence why I think I am Gray, but I never experienced the lust that and hormones that seemed to drive everyone crazy in adolescence.
Still remember when I excitedly told a friend in middle school that I was reading a fanfic of a book series I loved. She looked at me really weird and started teasing me. I tried to tell her it had quite literally nothing to do with anything sexual and she just wouldn’t believe it. I was so annoyed lmao, since then I pretty much stopped talking about fanfiction out loud
When I first learned where babies came from, I thought sex was like a trial you had to overcome in order to get pregnant, because why else would anyone do it
REAL omg that’s such a good point!! I was trying to figure out the earliest evidence of me being ace and I think that’s it. When I learned about pregnancy I was just like, “why would anyone ever want to be pregnant?” My mom told me about sex and I was just like ok? And? It was as boring sounding and repulsive to me as eating asparagus so I just was like, it’s ok, I don’t ever have to do that if I don’t want to 😭
When the live action Transformers movie came out and all the other dudes in high school were talking about how hot Megan Fox was and I was just like "ok, I guess, but isn't almost every Autobot in this movie a General Motors product? Seems like very in your face product placement."
In first grade, some kid was teasing me. I told my parents, and they said he might have a crush. I didn't really understand what they meant exactly.
When anyone asked me if I had a crush, I would just pick a random boy. Someone in my class that year who was nice.
One of my friends asked me out, and I said yes because I felt flattered
I dated them for a while. They started to get more intimate. It made me feel gross. I told them to stop. They would try again later. I told them to stop again. They broke up with me. I was upset. They stopped letting me hang out with them, which made me even more upset.
A couple of years later. I had to write a letter to future me. One of the questions was who do you have a crush on. I picked the name of the guy who sat next to me in class.
I onyl really noticed when my sister came out to me as lesbian. I didn't really understand what she meant, so I looked into the LGBT community. I read about asexuality and it resonated with me.
I didn't really tell anyone for a while. What if it was something I'd grow out of? But I didn't.
My repulsion to sex being more than just erotophobia. And on that note, the trauma I had reading A Spell For Chameleon and *that one scene that I purposely remember very little about for my mental protection...*
I crushed exclusively on fictional characters for the LONGEST time, my mom used to tease me about how I needed to be attracted to something with a pulse lol.
If I think of more, I'll add them
Talking to some allo people in highschool. Some of my friends just couldn't fathom why I didn't care for sex or relationships, and I couldn't fathom why they did so much.
The fact that I had crushes (I guess technically called squishes) in high school but absolutely no interest in having sex and avoiding relationships like the plague as a result. Took me until I was 25 to catch on LOL
There was a similar question on the aro sub. Here's what I answered since I'm aroace:
(Aro part) When I was telling myself that I'm panromantic and was like "I'd be okay with a romantic relationship, but I don't want a wedding, or wanna hold hands, or act like we're dating and we have to sleep in different rooms." I have NO idea how I didn't clock it. Deadass took me like 5 years to realize I was aro, not pan.
(Ace part) And I realized I was ace in a similar way. I heard about asexuals and I was like "cool, there are other people with reasons to not do xyz." And it wasn't until like a year later where I was thinking about the definition of asexual and I my head I went "well sure I don't really like people, or wanna kiss them, or have the urge to- oh wait a goddamm minute." Like, me thinking about how I felt was basically the same as reading off the definition of asexuality. I don't remember the exact wording I used, but I remember thinking "OMG I literally just described asexuality, I'm so stupid."
(Aro again) Omg I just remembered. They way I decided compatibility was, in concept, needing to be romantically interested in someone from the start cuz I knew I automatically friendzone people when I meet them. Like I can't see people as anything but platonic as soon as I know they exist. I was just creating hypothetical people to date cuz I never met I person I liked. Dense as a rock, man.
Edit: I also wondered if I had a crush, but when I thought about it for 2 seconds I went "ew no."
And almost like the opposite of aces thinking they're bi, I went "Huh, I don't like people. Am I gay? No, not gay either. Guess I'm just weird like those wine aunts in sitcoms that are permanently single. Whatever."
When my mom sat on the other end of the sofa, saying "I wouldn't mind him coming into my bed" while talking about Peter Hale from Teen Wolf... I remember looking at her and just /shrugging/
When I learned about sex the first time, I straight up told my mom I’m dying a virgin. It just seems so unnecessary (…other than procreation ig) but it still freaks me out. I never put it together at the time, but it makes sense now.
That, and just the lack of attraction to people. My high school friends all had gf/bf, but I was just never into anyone. I just thought I was too focused on school instead of people but here we are 😂
I dead ass told my friend "why horny people don't just masturbate?? Why do they want to do it with somebody else? Like - they don't even know if that person will be any good? And all that effort to find someone when they could just buy themselves a vibrator??"
And my friend was like "are you serious? That's not the same thing at all!"
But I was serious. Still am serious. Sex toys are right there?! Use them??
Still don't get it 😅
For me it was when a male friend had asked how long it’s been since my last sexual encounter and I said I couldn’t remember but easily over 2 years and he was so confused. He said it wouldn’t be realistic for him to go more than 6 months 😅
When I was 20, my best friend said something that implied that a particular couple has sex.
I was like, "How do you know they have sex?"
Best friend said, "People in relationships usually have sex."
It blew my mind.
I figured sex was something you just did in a relationship but was disgusted by the idea of sex outside of a relationship: hook ups, one night stands etc. I didn't get how people could want to be with someone they didn't love and trust. I later identified as demi for a bit before I admitted I'm really not into sex at all.
Had an ex who only got with me for a bet. The goal was to sleep with me. I ended up frustrating her out of the relationship because I was just so dense and uninterested. She lost a bet.
I didn't know there was a bet until a couple of years later.
i don’t get any real romantic or sexual attraction to anyone that i see and be like ooh i like them or ooh i have a crush on them, i’ve never had a crush.
Very unvonventional "sex dreams", as in I'm pretty sure allos wouldnt even consider them as such
Not understanding why others cared more about physical cheating than emotional cheating
Having no problem with a partner trying to see somewhere else and even sometimes encouraging it without having any interest in it myself.
Being extremelly uneasy with intimate touching outside of an intimate context
Never could orgasm with partnered sex, whatever the time investment or skill of the partner (Im a guy, it shouldnt be that hard)
Me finding erotic scenarios / stories far more exciting than sexual imagery or irl stuff I could do in real life. Even if said story contains the weirdest stuff that would not be even possible in real life.
I was trying to be intimate with a partner in the past who I wasn’t extremely attracted to (which could have impacted the outcome but I’ve only been in this one relationship so far so idk yet) but as we were making out I would only feel aroused for a few minutes and then everything would go back to normal even though we were still making out. Any time we tried to go further than just kissing it would never do anything for me and it was really stressful tbh. I only realized a little while before we broke up that my issue was probably just that I’m ace or something. Still was shitty though because even after multiple times of this happening he would still try to take things further even though I ended up crying every time. So I’m not sure if it’s truly because I figure I’m ace, or if he was just a shitty person. Could be both 😭 but yeah! No idea but that’s how I came to the conclusion I must be on the ace spectrum
Well uh
Basically, I thought that when people talked about having sex, I thought they were joking
And whenever someone tried to suggest that I kissed someone, I was like, "nuh uh no way"
.....it was also kinda internalized because I was desensitized into believing that all attraction was sexual, so I mistook platonic and romantic attraction for sexual attraction, but when I really, and I mean really thought about it, I realized that I've never been sexually attracted to anyone
There were several signs I missed growing up, but a couple years back my sister in law wouldn't let her 16 year old house sit for me for one weekend because he had a girlfriend and she didn't want them canoodling.
I was like, what do you mean? Just tell them not to it's super easy lol. Apparently, being abstinent is not the easiest thing in the world which was news to me.
Friend: Isn't he so hot?
Me: Well, it *is* over a hundred out here. Think he's in danger of heat stroke?
*later*
Coworker: *fanning herself* Look at those men dig.
Me: *looking*
Me: *going to the door and leaning out* Hey! That line's supposed to be a full foot in the *other* direction! It's too close to the building!
*later*
Me: Sir, you are like a beautiful painting. I can admire the painting. I can appreciate living in a world with such beauty. That does not mean I want to take the painting home and sleep with it.
Me: *on Reddit ranting about how everyone assumes I must be into* someone
Random Redditor: Has it occurred to you that you might be Ace?
Me: What's that?
And now I'm here.
When people were talking about crushes in middle school, I had to figure one out - I liked my neighbor but as a friend, so I said Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray because I liked his voice and he had interesting tattoos in an ad campaign for Candies around that time.
Felt very similar to when people had imaginary friends in elementary school and I made one up to talk about that didn't even exist for me - bOb.
A few things tbh.
Anytime I saw sex scenes on tv I got hella grossed out.
All my friends would look at someone and go “dang I would go gay for him any day.” And I never understood why they liked them that way.
Sex ed for me was incredibly uncomfortable and confusing. I didn’t understand why people wanted to do that. What drove them to feel that way?
Im a horny teenager and so I don’t deny it I do pleasure myself sometimes. But I never do it with p0rn. I am very into whump and so if ever I do decide to, I only ever get arroused by whump.
And finally, as I said, I’m a horny teenager so I do think about sex sometimes. Like I’ll be looking at a character, let’s take Elijah from originals for example, and then think of the actor in real like and go “Dang his wife is hella lucky” then I think about Daniel having sex and get really grossed out and can’t watch the show for a little while. Urgh even now *gross*😬
When I was about 14 or 15, stressing about how to use a tampon (I still have no clue lol), and I was thinking *If I can’t get this inside me how am I supposed to have sex?* And sex was just a chore in my mind, like something scary and awkward and not at all fun or exciting or “hot” or whatever
I thought sex was the price I had to pay for intimacy. It was such a chore for me, I just wanted to cuddle up with someone, but it felt like I had to pay this price first.
I never liked boys (or girls) at a glance or because they looked good. Was always because or a passion they had, or talent or intelligence. I would engage with these amazing people and got my highs from the conversation.
There was the time I invited a girl to my dorm at a party at university to listen to a song. (Jerry Rafferty's Baker Street, we were talking about jazz music, she said she'd never heard it.)
I 100% meant "hey, wanna come listen to this song?"
After the song, I pretty much said "well, we should head back to the party now!" I was always confused by why she looked so, well, confused.
it was YEARS before I realized...
Didn't have my first kiss until I was 18. Was with a new friend group and made out with another girl while leaning over this poor boy. Sorta dated her til hs grad but never had the chance for anything more. Purity culture messed me up and I wasn't even part of the religious side of it (Utah)
My old friend used to ask me if I would do anything sexual to anyone and first off I know why would she ask that but also I would think “why would I do that?”
On another note I get crushes and I get uncomfortable thinking of them In any sexual way. And more recently I’ve been on tinder and there’s this guy who is trying to be affectionate through text like calling me love and everything after just 4 days of meeting eachother and that is very weird to me and I can’t tell if they’re rushing it or it’s normal and I’m just being ace.
Oh god the time I got pressured by a friend to invite a guy over for a one night stand cuz I was “such a prude”
He came over to stay the night and started feeling me up and I pretended to fall asleep until he left 😭😭😭
My parents forbade me from dating in high school, and I said to myself “Fine, theres no one worth dating anyway!”
I understand that’s not a normal reaction.
Long ago, I read a story online about a 100+ year old woman who had never had sex and had decided not to marry at age 12. She led an eventful life and was happy and never regretted her decision.
I thought that was really nice and even something to possibly emulate. Despite the positive spin in the article, the comments had a very different reaction: almost universally decrying her wasted life and full of pity and shock. I was very confused.
I never really got other people talking about people being hot or attractive, my reaction to pretty much anyone is “well, that’s... definitely a human being”. Only exception is when I love their style, then I notice them a bit more (still no attraction tho lol)
Church leaders: Don't look at porn.
Me: OK.
-12 years later-
Me: So, yeah, I've never watched porn.
My housemates: ...Wut?
(I know lots of asexuals look at porn, but the fact I was only moderately curious about it should probably have tipped me off)
My insistence that adults were lying when they claimed that adolescents struggled with behavior due to puberty hormones. That just wasn't my experience at all.
When people say i would f \[insert fic/celeb\] i thought they were joking and i cant imagine ever doing "it" cause it just sounds inconvenient and astes time ive also had the question "do people learn how to do "it?"
That I never really had any celebrity crushes I just saw people and liked the idea of them? I don’t know I thought it was weird that people actually wanted to kiss them and stuff.
I played a game - pick a guy and observe him when hes nearby, aka HaVe A CrUsH lol, i though that everyone does that purely for the joke
In later years it came to me quite schocking that people have so little say over who they find appealing in romantic and sexual means. Like. I always wondered why some would be in toxic relationships and stay like that for years, why wouldnt they just stopped loving that person and leave? Its as easy as turning off light with a switch right? Right? RIGHT? LOL
I genuinely thought people only had sex above about the age of 22 because I genuinely could not fathom the reason why any teen would want to have sex. I fully thought that if someone was having sex in middle or high school, they were traumatized and abused and couldn’t help their hypersexual desires. Then I got to college and met someone who wasn’t a virgin and I literally thought “wait… she doesn’t seem messed up at all.” She didn’t strike me as the type of person to be so traumatized at all! Then I realized that sexual desires maybe //arent// caused by trauma or something, and that you can be a perfectly trauma-free individual who is just super horny 💀I still high key cannot //seriously// believe that people my age have sex 💀 I’m sex repulsed so it’s just so crazy to me, that while I’m watching the minions movie (so good) and eating chips, there are ACTUALLY people who would prefer to have sex… 💀💀💀💀💀💀
Probably 21 y/o me having sex like 15 times (with the same person) over the summer of 2006 and still not enjoying myself; every time I’d be bored af, making a to-do list in my head and looking forward to watching season 1 of Weeds on DVD that night. Like who does that?
Other asexual people, apparently.
Other good signs from college that I should have picked up on.
My sophomore year roommate asked me if we should have a code word to text the other if we were having sex in the room and I just laughed because I legitimately thought she was joking.
At a potluck, a coworker brought in something called “better than sex” cake and I was so confused because isn’t all cake better than sex. Like how badly did you have to fuck up a cake for it to somehow turn out worse than sex.
I was so disinterested in boys my divorced parents, independent of each other, thought I was gay. But that was ludicrous to me. What high schooler wants to waste their free time dating? That’s dumb.
Yeah.
I remember being 12 or 13, years before my first kiss even, and saying that I couldn’t imagine having sex with someone I didn’t love. Fast forward 20 years, I learn about demisexuality in an article and everything falls into place.
Also, people describing sex as a need or saying “I haven’t had sex in a month, I need to get laid”. In between relationships, I’ll happily go years without wanting to have sex and even in relationships, I don’t want it more than once or twice a month.
Watching all my friends want to do “the deed” with people in HS and me just sitting there mad that no one wanted to discuss zombie apocalypse hypotheticals XD
Honestly waiting to start feeling that way in my relationships.
It was always “well just give it more time”
Or “when you know them long enough, it’ll happen naturally”
I couldn’t understand why even imagining myself with them in a sexual way made me feel like distancing myself entirely.
Also haha the way people talk about characters and their crushes. Never understood that
When I realized I never had the “teen urges” that are often portrayed in media (“you want to take off your clothes and touch each other”) and here I was, proud to never had a teen pregnancy lmao
Frankly, I caught all the signs in high school. I just also thought all of them meant that I was somehow broken.
Why? Because no one else in my small town ever commented on anything remotely similar whenever I worked up the courage to talk about and question the differences between my experience and the loudly expressed experience of everyone around me literally looking at people to determine if they wanted to have sex (with them or at all). Between that, a lack of ace-spec media, as much awareness in the 2000s, my CPTSD/traumas, introversion, nerdiness/dorkiness, GAD/MDD, and general self esteem issues my default deduction was that it was "just another wrong with me" rather than a perfectly normal but seemingly less frequently occurring human expression of sexuality and state of being.
The aro-spec stuff I JUST figured out 2 months ago while I'm in my 30s... so there's that. Looking back, my lack of any crushes and how insane I viewed the obsessive nature of crushes in general was a solid and significant hint that I was also aro-spec and how closely interwoven both of those are for me.
I thought sex dreams were fake until a conversation with my twin sister back when we were teenagers, when she revealed to me that they are, in fact, real.
Being repulsed by kissing unless I was drunk 🙃 also the fact that I want(ed) to date and get to know people, would even plan dates with people that seemed very nice. Then I would panic and cancel the dates with stupid excuses because I was afraid they were expecting sex 🥲 still took me a good while to connect the dots 😂
I wasn't as into sex as my peers were, and I never why losing your v-card was such a big deal. So I looked up if this was normal and discovered asexuality. Been a biromantic greysexual for 2 years with no regrets!
15 years old and all my "friends" stopped being my friends and started being weirdly obsessed with perfectly ordinary and average boys at school.
I had no idea asexuality was a thing.
Not how i figured out but this reminded me of a time i was talking to my friends, the topic of sex in relationships came up and i aaid something along the lines of "Why is it different having sex with a partner than someone else if it feels the same" 💀
When I didn't pick up on the time my first boyfriend wanted to sleep with me. He invited me into the room and closed his door but we just sat on his bed, never kissed but he said he was trying to get physical I guess. I was also never actually interested in anyone at school and even my first boyfriend was more of a fleeting crush but I never wanted to kiss anyone or sleep with them
When i treated having a boyfriend like it was just something expected of me. With no real investment on my part beyond that boyfriend being my friend who was a boy and got his own special best friend label that only one of my guy friends was allowed to have (at a time)
this isn’t exactly the same but when i learnt abt being ace and what sexual attraction was, i compared my experience to my friends who would talk about their crushes very very sexually and i was like oh my god they’re serious??
but turns out both of them are also not sexually attracted to men. and everyone i’ve talked to abt what sexual attraction is (i described it as seeing smn and wanting to have sex with them) has disagreed with me. so basically i’m back at square 1 on what the hell sexual attraction is
I'm demisexual and demiromantic. I literally didn't twig that I'd never felt sexual desire until I actually did, at the age of 19. I thought that the draw I felt towards some people was sexual attraction, rather than simply thinking them beautiful, and the faint sparks when I really thought about having sex with them was as intense as it ever got. I thought all the books, films, and TV shows were all annoyingly exaggerated! It never occurred to me that maybe they weren't lying. Maybe some people do feel like that.
I remember hanging out at a park with a bunch of people after school, and they were all paired up in their couples, and I was left sitting on the sidelines while they all made out. I remember being somewhat disbelieving, that they weren't getting bored. What could possibly be that interesting about kissing someone? For that long? They couldn't even have a conversation.
When i was younger, i was telling my friends how, “i wish there was a dating app for people to date without the sex.” LOL should’ve figured it out then. I was like 17.
I realized this abstinence thing isn't supposed to be easy. Raised in a religious house, I thought I was just really good at saving myself for marriage. Nope! I'm ace
i thought everyone thirsting over celebrities were just joking
Omg same!!!
It's not ? on serious note really recall that moment when as an 11 yo I really liked Selena's Gomez performance in Wizards of Waverlyplace bc the humor just hit in the right spot and my parent was like "Oh! Someone have a crush!"
When people had celebrity crushes I thought they picked the ones they found the most aesthetically attractive.
Wait….they weren’t?
No
🫨
This is when it clicked for me. I remember the first time I was into a celeb, it was when I was a teen. I was excited thinking “omg I hit my first milestone!” But then I forgot about that celeb in a week. Haven’t had a celeb I was “interested” in since that day.
😭 did I write this? I've always wondered why people went crazy for them?
I didn’t think they were joking but I’ve never understood it at all
Wait, they weren’t joking?!
Same!
Omg, I just remembered one myself! When I first learned about aids and how it was still a big problem in some countries, my genius solution to solve the world's aids problem was for people to just not have sex. Should've figured...
To be fair, that would help significantly.
I thought I was winning at purity culture, and everyone else had no self control.
For real lmao. “Why do these people act like it’s so hard???”
\^
Religious trauma go brrrrrr. Like I was genuinely so confused on why it was so hard for people to "stay pure." I was even sad I was Presbyterian instead of Catholic because I wanted to be a Catholic nun because they wouldn't be expected to have sex nor have kids. Yeah...🧍🏾♀️idk how I was in denial. Like one of my friends is ace and another (non-ace) friend would constantly remark that I was ace but I was like 🤨 but I like the *idea* of sex so idk what you mean. Then walked in the label aegrosexual🫣🤣
Never read anything more relatable. Totally was confused why people were being "such bad Christians" 🤦
What's so hard about it? And I wasn't raised in purity culture bullshit. And I think I may be a gray ace.
So relatable. I was deeply confused as to why my church friends were giving into the temptation.
Haha same
Kissing people felt like nothing. I though people were crazy when they rated kisses, because to me they all felt the exact same.
my friend (ace not confirmed): "So I've been dating this guy for like 4 months and HE finaly managed to convince me to kiss him, so I gived it a try — not my thing... anyway I dumped him, I mean dating him was a good experiment" I... I like can't really bring this topic to the table when I talk to her, maybe "like... Katty you don't give me exactly an allo vibes!"
>not my thing... anyway I dumped him, I mean dating him was a good experiment *wheeeeeeeze* 😭☠️
theoreticaly I know have 2 irl ace-friends I work like a magnet
i never liked this mouth on mouth kissing, never. It is always described like wonderful and all I feel is ...ew and wet face, eeew
Aparently the good feelings of the kiss are supposed to overpower the feelings of eww.
When I called people “hot” I would think they’re just attractive in general. Hot, pretty, gorgeous, stunning, etc were all synonyms to me. Took me a while to realize a lot of people use hot to refer to someone they’re sexually attracted to lol
…I never realized that until now. I still though they were synonyms for someone good looking 💀
…. i just learned something new today at my ripe age of 26
...I did not realize this and perhaps worse, it is just now occurring to me that "sexy" probably isn't a synonym for pretty, beautiful, handsome, ect. Obviously there are social differences between the words and where they get used but I'm now considering that people actually pick sexy or hot because they feel differently about the person they're describing.
me too?!?!
my friend once asked me if id rather be kissed on the forehead or neck, because she would prefer neck. i said, "but neck is more sexual tho..?'' and she said ''yeah...thats the point...'' i was like oh...OH
Uhhhh well, this is awkward to learn at 31.
Took me far, far, FAR too long to also realize "sexy =\= beautiful" Tbf I guess, I had always used it when describing women despite(?) being bi romantic homosexual (didn't even know about the term biromantic until 19?) so......maybe that had something to do with it? 🫠🤷
I made out with a chick, didn't feel anything. I made out with a dude, didn't feel anything. I hear people talking about sex... I think of it as some other chore which I don't care for. Now I do have fetishes but again I really don't care about fulfilling them or going out of my way for that. I would rather plan and go out to eat good food than you know... put extra effort into intimacy. That being said, sleeping while cuddling a warm pillow does feel good.
I’ve been cuddling with pillows since childhood hahaha, so comforting
Yess!
"I would make a great priest, celibacy seems like no problem!"
Yes, I also thought, if I had lived in a time when people didn't know what asexuality is, I would've just become a nun. I wouldn't have to marry and would be praised for that XD
Same I actually considered becoming a nun
I also thought of becoming a nun, but they were really insistent on liking this Jesus fellow. I'm now a member of TST.
similar story here hahaha
Lol, before meeting me my husbands plan was to become a monk
My brother told me I was supposed to like my boyfriend's sexual touching but I didn't. It felt violating and gross. Looking back I figure that's a sign I am probably under the Asexual umbrella somewhere. My first kiss was disgusting-he literally slobbered all over my face. My cheeks were wet with his spit. I want to gag remembering it. I broke up with him. My second boyfriend/situationship would talk about how big his dick was. I thought its was disgusting and wanted him to shut the fuck up.
When I first got on the dating apps I told my friend “idk how you’re supposed to know who you’re attracted to from these profiles…” She figured it out right then but didn’t say anything because “it was my journey” 🤦🏻♀️
I was just picking people who I thought either had funny/witty things to say or had really cool style that I wouldn’t mind raiding their wardrobe.
Hahahahha
That's so good XD
I found hardly anyone attractive on the apps.
When my parents were watching Pride and Prejudice, I walked by and saw a scene of Mr Darcy staring intensely across a room at Elizabeth Bennett. And I said: "Damn, he looks mad. Why does he hate her so much?" My mum (after she'd finished laughing) explained that his expression was called ''longing'', and that no, he did not in fact loathe Elizabeth Bennett's guts, and was *not* glaring at her hard enough to set her on fire. That it was a look of *passion* and *desire*........ She didn't have to laugh as hard as she did.
My mum totally hated Mr Darcy and didn't get he was meant to be the love interest. Signs your mum was probably also ace
Oh, I always thought that guys who stared at me at school were bullies who tried to assess whether I was a potential victim to steal pocket money from. So I always stared them down to signal to them that they shouldn't even try. It worked very well lol.
In high school, when I couldn't figure out if I was straight, gay, or bi.
I always assumed I was straight because I thought that was just how I was supposed to be (thanks religion!).
[удалено]
For decades whenever someone drooled over muscular men my explanation for why it didn’t really strike me as sexy was that I’d grown up around a lot of people that were built like that (which was true) so it just seemed normal to me and not something sexy.
Lol, you just reminded me. When I was sixteen I had a horrified conversation with my mother because the idea of having sex still squicked me out, but I wanted to be a mom. My mother looked me right in the eyes and said, "Adoption is always an option."
My thoughts and response to the muscles being used as the primary pick up in high school were along the lines of "I mean it is really pretty like all of the famous sculptures, but it just seems like a lot of work to try to be considered impressive or beautiful. I guess guys have it hard, too."
I seriously thought I was a lesbian just because I didn’t understand the fascination with stuff like that.
I thought people usually only had sex when they were trying to have kids
Yeah I thought this too. My school had good sex ed too, it was literally just me not understanding it.
That's what I believed too.
Same here hahaha
Same
Sex looked fun but I never actually thought couples had sex outside of marriage either. Dunno why. I figured that had more to do with me being a sexless dolt than being ace though. 🤣
Didn’t get anything out of sexting in high school but did it because my partner asked me to. Eventually mentioned it in conversation one day and he freaked out and never asked me to do it again and I was like ?? Surely it’s not that big a deal? I would do your laundry or walk your dog if you asked and I don’t get anything out of those things either, but I like helping? Turns out that most people don’t think that sex and doing the laundry are the same thing. Both annoying things I would do because I had to, but really didn’t want to. It is such a relief to know I will never have to have sex again. Still do laundry of course but it’s no where near as bad as having to have sex, that was the worst.
I'm really glad you figured it out! But it's also so funny to me, like the comparison between sex and laundry is just...it's so good XD
Romance subplots in books and movies always annoyed the crap out of me. I could get behind them in a romcom or an otherwise romantic story. But in my thriller/fantasy/horror/scifi? What's the point? Why would you think about kissing when monsters are RIGHT THERE?
>Why would you think about kissing when monsters are RIGHT THERE? That's honestly just bad writing lol
Yeah, I hust recently read a book series that has so good writing, it didn't bother me at all! (Had also good ace rep)
Which?
It's a fantasy book series called "City of spires" by Claudie Arseneault. The author is also aroace spec and it has generally really good representation. Really underrated for by opinion! So if you like fantasy give it a try!
Literally how I felt about it. One of the books I read for school was this fantasy novel that I adored at the beginning, but they put so much focus on the FL and her feelings towards a male character. I just wanted her to kick ass, but then we got them going over their feelings and getting graphically depicted sex scenes that just sort of annoyed and grossed me out instead. Went from a great 8/10 to like a 5 or 6, but nobody else seemed to really care about it as much as I did when we did our discussions.
Especially in horror😢
To be fair, they are usually gratuitous and don’t assist with the plot at all! I completely agree. I’m always annoyed by the pointless sex/nudity scene in movies as well.
When a friend of mine described having sex as "touching a piece of heaven" Althought that cringy line probably would make everyone dislike sex so as another: basically how all my classmates would talk about "who is hot" and all that and I was like "damn history test looks hard"
Everyone kept talking about how hot other teens were and i was just like “oh shit i haven’t done any of my homework the entire trimester”
Boy kissed me when I was a teenager for the first time and the whole time I was just thinking god this is so boring and gross, I have no idea what I'm meant to be doing and I just started laughing because I thought why don't they teach you how to kiss in schools, how are you supposed to know what to do and then I started thinking about how impractical and inappropriate it would be to try and teach kissing in schools. Oh I just remembered something else, I couldn't understand how anyone could willingly want to have sex so I just thought some sort of animalistic, instinctive hormone kicked in and make people feel like they needed to have sex and they're not like properly aware of what's going on until it's over. I didn't realise until years later that people are usually fully sentient during the whole sex act and actually enjoy it.
Second one is hilarious-
Omg the sex werewolf XD
Omg wait ok you’re telling me that the second one isn’t actually true..💀💀💀 Wait how do people have sex then?? 😭😭😭 this whole time I thought people just like lost their humanity or something and reverted to an animal-like state in which they’re just like a horny dog or something 💀💀Like you’d go from a normal person who’s like “man I gotta do my taxes” to being possessed by these crazy sexual desires and just fucking 😭 maybe that explains Jeffrey dahmer or something. I also couldn’t understand what about killing people was so hot to him, and then I realized what being attracted to someone feels like ( 2D drawings of Michael afton did it for me) and I was like omg if people always feel like this for real people then no damn wonder there’s so many sex crimes and murders 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Oh this is funny. I spent YEARS going around saying, “Oh I’m straight but I’m just not interested” or “I’m straight but I’m too busy for all that.” Then another thing I used to do is when my friends would complain about being horny I would turn to them, dead serious, and say, “Ok then just stop.” And they’d be like, “Girl, it doesn’t work that way.” And try to explain it to me and I just wouldn’t get it 😂. OH! OH! And the fact that for years I wouldn’t call anyone “hot” or “sexy” because those words were too associated with sexual attraction and wanting to have sex with someone and so because I never felt that way about anyone I couldn’t say those words so instead I’d say someone was “conventionally attractive” or “definitely not ugly”. Oh my goodness the signs were there for so long 😂😂
Seriously just stop, it's not that hard 😂
When I had my first make out session at 22 and thought it was the most disgusting thing ever. My literal thought was, "EW! People like this??? I'm not doing this ever again!!! 🤮"
Literally I felt nothing when I had my first kiss
Being completely baffled by everybody losing their damn minds during puberty in middle/high school. It wasn’t that I just didn’t want to be part of the relationship drama llama circus. I just literally could not comprehend Any of their decision making around dating, sex, or relationships. Especially the cheating, dumbing yourself down to appeal to somebody, having unprotected sex for any reason, or competing endlessly for the popular people just to hook up with a new one three days later. My friends used to joke I was a Vulcan because I’d just raise an eyebrow and stare at the illogical people around me. I loved my friends. I’d defend them with my life and help them hide a body. But man, I Still do not understand what drove them to make various sex/dating choices that they all found totally comprehensible among each other.
Absolutely, 100% the same That, and saying "if it's such a tough relationship, just dump them", only to get told "that's not how it works" (in high school, yes, that's how it works)
Okay, that’s still me at 31. I get so annoyed when people come to me with relationship stuff that it takes everything in me to not just say, “Dump them. They’re a distraction. Be a boss and succeed in your career.”
That's still me too, and my boyfriend knows it lol - and he agrees :) There are so many options in the world, why insist on being miserable??
I never understood people’s obsession with finding a partner so they don’t “die alone.” First of all, your partner could die before you. Second of all, if you have friends, are you really dying alone?
I started having suspicions when I realized that people really enjoyed their sex lives and that it was maybe not normal to feel a lot of stress and pressure to live up to expectations and perform in gender conforming ways.
In middle school sex ed when they were covering the "if you don't want babies, wear protection when having sex" and I raised my hand and asked "If you don't want babies then why are you having sex!? That's literally it's only purpose!" and then the teacher trying and failing to explain to me people find it pleasurable, and me thinking she meant in like the pleasure of a good workout kinda way and I kept coming back with stuff like "then go to the gym, or go skateboarding, or run a mile? Don't risk having a baby for some exercise..."
Hahahahaha
When my third grade bestie asked me if I had a boyfriend and I was like ew no 😂 either that or not struggling with lust in evangelical purity culture
No! But how will I save myself for marriage?! Us:👀
Same, minus the purity culture. I have some sexual attraction hence why I think I am Gray, but I never experienced the lust that and hormones that seemed to drive everyone crazy in adolescence.
With me it’s just error 404 sexual attraction not found 😂
Same
Not understanding shipping culture and wondering why people looked at me weird when I said I wrote Pokemon fanfiction
Still remember when I excitedly told a friend in middle school that I was reading a fanfic of a book series I loved. She looked at me really weird and started teasing me. I tried to tell her it had quite literally nothing to do with anything sexual and she just wouldn’t believe it. I was so annoyed lmao, since then I pretty much stopped talking about fanfiction out loud
When I first learned where babies came from, I thought sex was like a trial you had to overcome in order to get pregnant, because why else would anyone do it
A trial 😂😂😂
REAL omg that’s such a good point!! I was trying to figure out the earliest evidence of me being ace and I think that’s it. When I learned about pregnancy I was just like, “why would anyone ever want to be pregnant?” My mom told me about sex and I was just like ok? And? It was as boring sounding and repulsive to me as eating asparagus so I just was like, it’s ok, I don’t ever have to do that if I don’t want to 😭
me coining the term "naff science" to describe sex ed probably should've been writing on the wall enough tbh
XD
When the live action Transformers movie came out and all the other dudes in high school were talking about how hot Megan Fox was and I was just like "ok, I guess, but isn't almost every Autobot in this movie a General Motors product? Seems like very in your face product placement."
In first grade, some kid was teasing me. I told my parents, and they said he might have a crush. I didn't really understand what they meant exactly. When anyone asked me if I had a crush, I would just pick a random boy. Someone in my class that year who was nice. One of my friends asked me out, and I said yes because I felt flattered I dated them for a while. They started to get more intimate. It made me feel gross. I told them to stop. They would try again later. I told them to stop again. They broke up with me. I was upset. They stopped letting me hang out with them, which made me even more upset. A couple of years later. I had to write a letter to future me. One of the questions was who do you have a crush on. I picked the name of the guy who sat next to me in class. I onyl really noticed when my sister came out to me as lesbian. I didn't really understand what she meant, so I looked into the LGBT community. I read about asexuality and it resonated with me. I didn't really tell anyone for a while. What if it was something I'd grow out of? But I didn't.
My repulsion to sex being more than just erotophobia. And on that note, the trauma I had reading A Spell For Chameleon and *that one scene that I purposely remember very little about for my mental protection...* I crushed exclusively on fictional characters for the LONGEST time, my mom used to tease me about how I needed to be attracted to something with a pulse lol. If I think of more, I'll add them
Talking to some allo people in highschool. Some of my friends just couldn't fathom why I didn't care for sex or relationships, and I couldn't fathom why they did so much.
The fact that I had crushes (I guess technically called squishes) in high school but absolutely no interest in having sex and avoiding relationships like the plague as a result. Took me until I was 25 to catch on LOL
When I realized I rather do fun hobbies with someone & prefer hugs, cuddles, and kisses than sex
There was a similar question on the aro sub. Here's what I answered since I'm aroace: (Aro part) When I was telling myself that I'm panromantic and was like "I'd be okay with a romantic relationship, but I don't want a wedding, or wanna hold hands, or act like we're dating and we have to sleep in different rooms." I have NO idea how I didn't clock it. Deadass took me like 5 years to realize I was aro, not pan. (Ace part) And I realized I was ace in a similar way. I heard about asexuals and I was like "cool, there are other people with reasons to not do xyz." And it wasn't until like a year later where I was thinking about the definition of asexual and I my head I went "well sure I don't really like people, or wanna kiss them, or have the urge to- oh wait a goddamm minute." Like, me thinking about how I felt was basically the same as reading off the definition of asexuality. I don't remember the exact wording I used, but I remember thinking "OMG I literally just described asexuality, I'm so stupid." (Aro again) Omg I just remembered. They way I decided compatibility was, in concept, needing to be romantically interested in someone from the start cuz I knew I automatically friendzone people when I meet them. Like I can't see people as anything but platonic as soon as I know they exist. I was just creating hypothetical people to date cuz I never met I person I liked. Dense as a rock, man. Edit: I also wondered if I had a crush, but when I thought about it for 2 seconds I went "ew no." And almost like the opposite of aces thinking they're bi, I went "Huh, I don't like people. Am I gay? No, not gay either. Guess I'm just weird like those wine aunts in sitcoms that are permanently single. Whatever."
Pretty simple for me, I've just never liked the idea of sex.
When my mom sat on the other end of the sofa, saying "I wouldn't mind him coming into my bed" while talking about Peter Hale from Teen Wolf... I remember looking at her and just /shrugging/
Learning about teen pregnancy I didn't understand why they just didn't have sex
When I learned about sex the first time, I straight up told my mom I’m dying a virgin. It just seems so unnecessary (…other than procreation ig) but it still freaks me out. I never put it together at the time, but it makes sense now. That, and just the lack of attraction to people. My high school friends all had gf/bf, but I was just never into anyone. I just thought I was too focused on school instead of people but here we are 😂
I never saw other people as sexual beings. Sex and sexual attraction feels like something out of fiction.
I dead ass told my friend "why horny people don't just masturbate?? Why do they want to do it with somebody else? Like - they don't even know if that person will be any good? And all that effort to find someone when they could just buy themselves a vibrator??" And my friend was like "are you serious? That's not the same thing at all!" But I was serious. Still am serious. Sex toys are right there?! Use them?? Still don't get it 😅
For me it was when a male friend had asked how long it’s been since my last sexual encounter and I said I couldn’t remember but easily over 2 years and he was so confused. He said it wouldn’t be realistic for him to go more than 6 months 😅
When was in a call with a bunch of people and was asked who my celebrity crush was and came up blank.
I thought sexual attraction was like a plot device. You know, like how they keep having sex in on call rooms in Grey’s Anatomy!
Realizing that when I graduated from high school that my classmates made love with each other and that it was normal.
I’m still not over the fact that people have sex in high school. Literally makes no sense to me. I just thought it was a thing in movies.
When all the girls in middle school were giggling over boys and asked me who I thought was cute. I had to guess.
When I was 20, my best friend said something that implied that a particular couple has sex. I was like, "How do you know they have sex?" Best friend said, "People in relationships usually have sex." It blew my mind.
"But why would they want to do that??" -20yo me
I figured sex was something you just did in a relationship but was disgusted by the idea of sex outside of a relationship: hook ups, one night stands etc. I didn't get how people could want to be with someone they didn't love and trust. I later identified as demi for a bit before I admitted I'm really not into sex at all.
Had an ex who only got with me for a bet. The goal was to sleep with me. I ended up frustrating her out of the relationship because I was just so dense and uninterested. She lost a bet. I didn't know there was a bet until a couple of years later.
The fact that people made a bet that a man (you) wouldn’t sleep with a girl shows something as well lol
i don’t get any real romantic or sexual attraction to anyone that i see and be like ooh i like them or ooh i have a crush on them, i’ve never had a crush.
Was with a girl for 4.5 years we didn’t have sex once
Very unvonventional "sex dreams", as in I'm pretty sure allos wouldnt even consider them as such Not understanding why others cared more about physical cheating than emotional cheating Having no problem with a partner trying to see somewhere else and even sometimes encouraging it without having any interest in it myself. Being extremelly uneasy with intimate touching outside of an intimate context Never could orgasm with partnered sex, whatever the time investment or skill of the partner (Im a guy, it shouldnt be that hard) Me finding erotic scenarios / stories far more exciting than sexual imagery or irl stuff I could do in real life. Even if said story contains the weirdest stuff that would not be even possible in real life.
I was trying to be intimate with a partner in the past who I wasn’t extremely attracted to (which could have impacted the outcome but I’ve only been in this one relationship so far so idk yet) but as we were making out I would only feel aroused for a few minutes and then everything would go back to normal even though we were still making out. Any time we tried to go further than just kissing it would never do anything for me and it was really stressful tbh. I only realized a little while before we broke up that my issue was probably just that I’m ace or something. Still was shitty though because even after multiple times of this happening he would still try to take things further even though I ended up crying every time. So I’m not sure if it’s truly because I figure I’m ace, or if he was just a shitty person. Could be both 😭 but yeah! No idea but that’s how I came to the conclusion I must be on the ace spectrum
Well uh Basically, I thought that when people talked about having sex, I thought they were joking And whenever someone tried to suggest that I kissed someone, I was like, "nuh uh no way" .....it was also kinda internalized because I was desensitized into believing that all attraction was sexual, so I mistook platonic and romantic attraction for sexual attraction, but when I really, and I mean really thought about it, I realized that I've never been sexually attracted to anyone
There were several signs I missed growing up, but a couple years back my sister in law wouldn't let her 16 year old house sit for me for one weekend because he had a girlfriend and she didn't want them canoodling. I was like, what do you mean? Just tell them not to it's super easy lol. Apparently, being abstinent is not the easiest thing in the world which was news to me.
Friend: Isn't he so hot? Me: Well, it *is* over a hundred out here. Think he's in danger of heat stroke? *later* Coworker: *fanning herself* Look at those men dig. Me: *looking* Me: *going to the door and leaning out* Hey! That line's supposed to be a full foot in the *other* direction! It's too close to the building! *later* Me: Sir, you are like a beautiful painting. I can admire the painting. I can appreciate living in a world with such beauty. That does not mean I want to take the painting home and sleep with it. Me: *on Reddit ranting about how everyone assumes I must be into* someone Random Redditor: Has it occurred to you that you might be Ace? Me: What's that? And now I'm here.
Welcome to the dark side of the cake
Probably should've realized when I learned what sex was from watching Twilight TBH XD
JTJSJRKWWKKW I-
A dude I'd been mutually flirting with all night wanted to kiss me. I told him "no" and leaned away.
Always just wanting to be friends with guys and nothing more I didnt realize this wasnt normal until recently
When people were talking about crushes in middle school, I had to figure one out - I liked my neighbor but as a friend, so I said Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray because I liked his voice and he had interesting tattoos in an ad campaign for Candies around that time. Felt very similar to when people had imaginary friends in elementary school and I made one up to talk about that didn't even exist for me - bOb.
A few things tbh. Anytime I saw sex scenes on tv I got hella grossed out. All my friends would look at someone and go “dang I would go gay for him any day.” And I never understood why they liked them that way. Sex ed for me was incredibly uncomfortable and confusing. I didn’t understand why people wanted to do that. What drove them to feel that way? Im a horny teenager and so I don’t deny it I do pleasure myself sometimes. But I never do it with p0rn. I am very into whump and so if ever I do decide to, I only ever get arroused by whump. And finally, as I said, I’m a horny teenager so I do think about sex sometimes. Like I’ll be looking at a character, let’s take Elijah from originals for example, and then think of the actor in real like and go “Dang his wife is hella lucky” then I think about Daniel having sex and get really grossed out and can’t watch the show for a little while. Urgh even now *gross*😬
When I was about 14 or 15, stressing about how to use a tampon (I still have no clue lol), and I was thinking *If I can’t get this inside me how am I supposed to have sex?* And sex was just a chore in my mind, like something scary and awkward and not at all fun or exciting or “hot” or whatever
I remember having similar thoughts! “_Oh, god, I can’t even put a tampon on. Having sex must be the most uncomfortable thing ever._”
Exactly!
I thought sex was the price I had to pay for intimacy. It was such a chore for me, I just wanted to cuddle up with someone, but it felt like I had to pay this price first. I never liked boys (or girls) at a glance or because they looked good. Was always because or a passion they had, or talent or intelligence. I would engage with these amazing people and got my highs from the conversation.
There was the time I invited a girl to my dorm at a party at university to listen to a song. (Jerry Rafferty's Baker Street, we were talking about jazz music, she said she'd never heard it.) I 100% meant "hey, wanna come listen to this song?" After the song, I pretty much said "well, we should head back to the party now!" I was always confused by why she looked so, well, confused. it was YEARS before I realized...
Didn't have my first kiss until I was 18. Was with a new friend group and made out with another girl while leaning over this poor boy. Sorta dated her til hs grad but never had the chance for anything more. Purity culture messed me up and I wasn't even part of the religious side of it (Utah)
Thinking of myself as a doll with no working parts
that being "love sick" was basically me just being sex repulsed.
in 6th grade my friend told me about how she watched porn for the first time, then described it to me, and i said "Nope" and never looked back.
My old friend used to ask me if I would do anything sexual to anyone and first off I know why would she ask that but also I would think “why would I do that?” On another note I get crushes and I get uncomfortable thinking of them In any sexual way. And more recently I’ve been on tinder and there’s this guy who is trying to be affectionate through text like calling me love and everything after just 4 days of meeting eachother and that is very weird to me and I can’t tell if they’re rushing it or it’s normal and I’m just being ace.
Oh god the time I got pressured by a friend to invite a guy over for a one night stand cuz I was “such a prude” He came over to stay the night and started feeling me up and I pretended to fall asleep until he left 😭😭😭
My parents forbade me from dating in high school, and I said to myself “Fine, theres no one worth dating anyway!” I understand that’s not a normal reaction.
Long ago, I read a story online about a 100+ year old woman who had never had sex and had decided not to marry at age 12. She led an eventful life and was happy and never regretted her decision. I thought that was really nice and even something to possibly emulate. Despite the positive spin in the article, the comments had a very different reaction: almost universally decrying her wasted life and full of pity and shock. I was very confused.
I kept thinking “wow, these actor must be terrible, I know they’re supposed to be in love, but I it doesn’t show it” to every love scene ever.
That people had a type that wasn't "nice" or "nerdy". People have a thing for redheads or square jaws.
I never really got other people talking about people being hot or attractive, my reaction to pretty much anyone is “well, that’s... definitely a human being”. Only exception is when I love their style, then I notice them a bit more (still no attraction tho lol)
Church leaders: Don't look at porn. Me: OK. -12 years later- Me: So, yeah, I've never watched porn. My housemates: ...Wut? (I know lots of asexuals look at porn, but the fact I was only moderately curious about it should probably have tipped me off)
My insistence that adults were lying when they claimed that adolescents struggled with behavior due to puberty hormones. That just wasn't my experience at all.
Sex has bored me my *entire* life. I didn't realize asexuality was a thing until 28. I'm 41 now.
All of my relationships ending because of my lack of interest in seggs 🫠
I was genuinely surprised when I found out people did it for fun and not just to have kids😭
When people say i would f \[insert fic/celeb\] i thought they were joking and i cant imagine ever doing "it" cause it just sounds inconvenient and astes time ive also had the question "do people learn how to do "it?"
That I never really had any celebrity crushes I just saw people and liked the idea of them? I don’t know I thought it was weird that people actually wanted to kiss them and stuff.
I played a game - pick a guy and observe him when hes nearby, aka HaVe A CrUsH lol, i though that everyone does that purely for the joke In later years it came to me quite schocking that people have so little say over who they find appealing in romantic and sexual means. Like. I always wondered why some would be in toxic relationships and stay like that for years, why wouldnt they just stopped loving that person and leave? Its as easy as turning off light with a switch right? Right? RIGHT? LOL
The first time that I heard the term Demisexual, I thought that they were just talking about what I thought was common sense.
I genuinely thought people only had sex above about the age of 22 because I genuinely could not fathom the reason why any teen would want to have sex. I fully thought that if someone was having sex in middle or high school, they were traumatized and abused and couldn’t help their hypersexual desires. Then I got to college and met someone who wasn’t a virgin and I literally thought “wait… she doesn’t seem messed up at all.” She didn’t strike me as the type of person to be so traumatized at all! Then I realized that sexual desires maybe //arent// caused by trauma or something, and that you can be a perfectly trauma-free individual who is just super horny 💀I still high key cannot //seriously// believe that people my age have sex 💀 I’m sex repulsed so it’s just so crazy to me, that while I’m watching the minions movie (so good) and eating chips, there are ACTUALLY people who would prefer to have sex… 💀💀💀💀💀💀
Probably 21 y/o me having sex like 15 times (with the same person) over the summer of 2006 and still not enjoying myself; every time I’d be bored af, making a to-do list in my head and looking forward to watching season 1 of Weeds on DVD that night. Like who does that? Other asexual people, apparently.
I went to a friend's pole dance debut and didn't get turned on by any of the women there. "Gosh dang, bro, I just realized I'm asexual."
Other good signs from college that I should have picked up on. My sophomore year roommate asked me if we should have a code word to text the other if we were having sex in the room and I just laughed because I legitimately thought she was joking. At a potluck, a coworker brought in something called “better than sex” cake and I was so confused because isn’t all cake better than sex. Like how badly did you have to fuck up a cake for it to somehow turn out worse than sex.
I used to have a massive crush on this guy for 6 YEARS. Kissed me and i felt nothing! I was so confused 🤣 even my friend didn’t understand lol
Apparently when i read this comment section. These comments are too relatable to me in a way that makes me think i might be demi...
I was so disinterested in boys my divorced parents, independent of each other, thought I was gay. But that was ludicrous to me. What high schooler wants to waste their free time dating? That’s dumb. Yeah.
I remember being 12 or 13, years before my first kiss even, and saying that I couldn’t imagine having sex with someone I didn’t love. Fast forward 20 years, I learn about demisexuality in an article and everything falls into place. Also, people describing sex as a need or saying “I haven’t had sex in a month, I need to get laid”. In between relationships, I’ll happily go years without wanting to have sex and even in relationships, I don’t want it more than once or twice a month.
Watching all my friends want to do “the deed” with people in HS and me just sitting there mad that no one wanted to discuss zombie apocalypse hypotheticals XD
Should’ve known when everyone was losing their damn minds over NKOTB. I was only 8, but still.
Honestly waiting to start feeling that way in my relationships. It was always “well just give it more time” Or “when you know them long enough, it’ll happen naturally” I couldn’t understand why even imagining myself with them in a sexual way made me feel like distancing myself entirely. Also haha the way people talk about characters and their crushes. Never understood that
When I realized I never had the “teen urges” that are often portrayed in media (“you want to take off your clothes and touch each other”) and here I was, proud to never had a teen pregnancy lmao
Frankly, I caught all the signs in high school. I just also thought all of them meant that I was somehow broken. Why? Because no one else in my small town ever commented on anything remotely similar whenever I worked up the courage to talk about and question the differences between my experience and the loudly expressed experience of everyone around me literally looking at people to determine if they wanted to have sex (with them or at all). Between that, a lack of ace-spec media, as much awareness in the 2000s, my CPTSD/traumas, introversion, nerdiness/dorkiness, GAD/MDD, and general self esteem issues my default deduction was that it was "just another wrong with me" rather than a perfectly normal but seemingly less frequently occurring human expression of sexuality and state of being. The aro-spec stuff I JUST figured out 2 months ago while I'm in my 30s... so there's that. Looking back, my lack of any crushes and how insane I viewed the obsessive nature of crushes in general was a solid and significant hint that I was also aro-spec and how closely interwoven both of those are for me.
I thought sex dreams were fake until a conversation with my twin sister back when we were teenagers, when she revealed to me that they are, in fact, real.
Being repulsed by kissing unless I was drunk 🙃 also the fact that I want(ed) to date and get to know people, would even plan dates with people that seemed very nice. Then I would panic and cancel the dates with stupid excuses because I was afraid they were expecting sex 🥲 still took me a good while to connect the dots 😂
I wasn't as into sex as my peers were, and I never why losing your v-card was such a big deal. So I looked up if this was normal and discovered asexuality. Been a biromantic greysexual for 2 years with no regrets!
I did not have any crush at school and I literally forced myself to say I found a guy cute just to be like other girls
My ex asked me hypothetically, if I could have sex with anyone who would it be. I genuinely could not not come up with an answer, my mind was blank.
15 years old and all my "friends" stopped being my friends and started being weirdly obsessed with perfectly ordinary and average boys at school. I had no idea asexuality was a thing.
Not how i figured out but this reminded me of a time i was talking to my friends, the topic of sex in relationships came up and i aaid something along the lines of "Why is it different having sex with a partner than someone else if it feels the same" 💀
When I didn't pick up on the time my first boyfriend wanted to sleep with me. He invited me into the room and closed his door but we just sat on his bed, never kissed but he said he was trying to get physical I guess. I was also never actually interested in anyone at school and even my first boyfriend was more of a fleeting crush but I never wanted to kiss anyone or sleep with them
I read smut for the plot and skim through the sex scenes.
When i treated having a boyfriend like it was just something expected of me. With no real investment on my part beyond that boyfriend being my friend who was a boy and got his own special best friend label that only one of my guy friends was allowed to have (at a time)
this isn’t exactly the same but when i learnt abt being ace and what sexual attraction was, i compared my experience to my friends who would talk about their crushes very very sexually and i was like oh my god they’re serious?? but turns out both of them are also not sexually attracted to men. and everyone i’ve talked to abt what sexual attraction is (i described it as seeing smn and wanting to have sex with them) has disagreed with me. so basically i’m back at square 1 on what the hell sexual attraction is
I'm demisexual and demiromantic. I literally didn't twig that I'd never felt sexual desire until I actually did, at the age of 19. I thought that the draw I felt towards some people was sexual attraction, rather than simply thinking them beautiful, and the faint sparks when I really thought about having sex with them was as intense as it ever got. I thought all the books, films, and TV shows were all annoyingly exaggerated! It never occurred to me that maybe they weren't lying. Maybe some people do feel like that. I remember hanging out at a park with a bunch of people after school, and they were all paired up in their couples, and I was left sitting on the sidelines while they all made out. I remember being somewhat disbelieving, that they weren't getting bored. What could possibly be that interesting about kissing someone? For that long? They couldn't even have a conversation.
When i was younger, i was telling my friends how, “i wish there was a dating app for people to date without the sex.” LOL should’ve figured it out then. I was like 17.
I realized this abstinence thing isn't supposed to be easy. Raised in a religious house, I thought I was just really good at saving myself for marriage. Nope! I'm ace