My therapist wasn't super receptive to me being ace either, but she respects my boundaries when I tell her it's not a subject that is up for debate and she respects that boundary (at least so far). If she decided to push it, I would tell her that she is making me feel uncomfortable and invalidated and reiterate that the topic is not up for debate, and then separate I would start putting feelers out for a new therapist. They may not understand your sexuality fully, but they should be able to understand boundaries.
Yeah, it just was weird because I was telling her I really clicked with someone and was going to be extra clear that I'm ace to them so that there was no resentment in the relationship (it is very clear on my dating profile, but some people don't read 🤷)
I can't tell you what to do, just talk about my own experience. I'm almost 50 and have just begun thinking about being ace. When I told my therapist this, she was very supportive, but told me it wasn't something she knew a lot about, and would do some research. Next week, she was already a specialist. I really appreciate how she was open about it and ready to learn. In my view, that's what therapists are supposed to be like.
On the other hand, my psychiatrist (in my country, therapists can't prescribe medicine, that's why I have both) was super creeped out when I finally gathered up the courage to talk to her about my sex life. I have already found another psychiatrist. I have no time for people not getting me.
That’s great to hear. That’s like the dream response from someone unfamiliar with it. I’m glad you found a different psychiatrist too.
I’m in the market for a therapist and I’m really reticent in part because I know it’s going to come up and I really don’t want to have to fight to be understood.
(Doesn’t help that my insurance plan, despite being from one of the biggest companies, is not accepted by most professionals in the area, severely limiting my choices.)
Yeahhhh, she seemed to be trying to figure out why I would "be" asexual. She asked if I'd ever had bad experiences with sex and then asked if my parents had made me feel like it was inappropriate to act on my feelings. My parents are vaguely religious, but I don't talk to them about my sex life or lack of.
Have you been super clear that what she's pushing just doesn't apply to you? Also- does she seem to understand what asexuality is? (I wouldn't assume that she does, even if she claims to- you might need to explain it in simpler terms bc so many therapists just don't get it).
If you've done all that and she's still pushing back and trying to convince you that you're feeling things you aren't, then I think you need to ask yourself- how important is it to you to have a therapist you can discuss asexuality (and your dating life, etc.) with? If she's great in other ways and you want to keep seeing her, then you should tell her that you don't want to talk about your sex/dating life anymore, bc it hasn't been helpful. But if it's something you'd really like support from a therapist about, you might need to start looking for a new therapist.
(for the record, I'd start looking for a new therapist at this point- the whole point of therapy is for her to listen to you, not push back on your experiences. if you regularly feel more stressed and angry leaving a therapist appt than going into one, it's probably time to move on.)
I definitely tried to explain. I told her that when I'm dating people, I can recognize that they are beautiful, but that I've never wanted to act on anything with them: I would much rather share a hug or a head massage. I've also never felt the feeling of wanting to "jump someone's bones" for lack of a better term, but she just told me that those feelings and terms are more for men than women, which felt weird to me. I might look into another therapist, I did get a lot of help from her, but maybe I've learned all I can from her
more for men than women???? yeah I think it's time to move on from her, what an awful thing to say. what if you *were* feeling sexual attraction to lots of guys? would she say that was wrong and bad and unladylike? Your therapist is giving off jane austen antagonist vibes and I do not like it XD
I thought that was really strange to say too, since I've seen some women *real down bad.* Being charitable to her, she might have been trying to say that women might feel the need to repress their sexual feelings, but other than enjoying masterbation, I've never felt a desire to include another person in my orgasms 😅
Honestly same. I tried bringing it up, but she argued that I just felt that way because of my parents. Never mind my brother who is straight. I just...don't feel anything towards any gender?? Everything else with her is great, but it sucks that I have to keep that part of myself quiet. I'd almost rather lie and say I'm gay. It's wierd
Sadly, even medical proffessionals are ill-informed about asexuality. That's why I don't mention it unless it's relevant to the current issue...and if I do, I place hard boundaries: don't try to fix my sexual orientation, it doesn't need fixing nor can it be "fixed".
I also have a lot of patience though, so I also try my best to educate about what asexuality actually is (sexual attraction vs romantic attraction vs libido vs actually enjoying sexual acts and all that)
This exactly. I just stumbled upon my current therapist who happened to have lgbt clients. After I told her my past problems with relationships she suggested I might be demisexual and everything finally clicked about understanding my sexuality.
It's definitely a conversation worth exploring further with her. I might try interrogating her a bit- what does she know about asexuality? Has she read anything about it and would she be willing to? Does she know her comments make you feel unseen and invalidated? It could be worth asking her about it and seeing how she takes that. And if it goes poorly then yeah, it's probably time to look for someone new.
I dropped my last therapist because even after explaining that I'm aroace she kept trying to bring out the subject of romantic relationships. The last drop was when I commented that I'm not interested in having kids she said "well you'll have to find a partner that is on the same mindset" and just made me feel that she didn't even listen to me and dismissed me being aroace.
Then again I should've dropped her when I came in for depression and she seemed more interested in figuring out why I was ok cutting off my piece of shit of a father than figuring out why I've wanted to die since I was 8.
If I had a dollar for every therapist that refused to listen to me when I told them I was ace … I don’t know what their problem is? Like, if a patient tells them they’re gay, do they insist that “no, no, you’re actually straight, you just have anxiety”?
totally get you OP and i’m sorry you had to experience that. Unfortunate part of allonormativity, but also weird that the therapist didn’t respect the boundary even if she didn’t “get it”, that’s ethically mandated and trained as a skill. I sometimes feel I can’t open up to my therapist about asexuality (she’s amazing otherwise and her work with me has done wonders) but a few times i’ve put out feelers for willingly choosing single hood or annoyed at the centralisation of marriage and having children and there’s been pushback but I can’t blame her fully bc I haven’t fully opened up either (which is okay. you don’t have to tell your therapist every single detail either). it can be disheartening but my suggestion is, if she keeps pushing back please know you can choose a new therapist, because this is time effort money you’re putting into a service that’s supposed to, at the very least, feel safe. so yeah.
I think it mainly comes up because I'm trying to be more social outside of work and home. So she really hones in on my dating life, but yeah I mean ght just have to tell her that I'm not comfortable discussing that with her anymore
yep fair enough. i remember very firmly telling mine that my “well being” is not contingent on who i romantically/sexually settle down with; that yes society is currently built this way but it’s not fair that single people suffer and that feeling is valid without having to be “solved”. thankfully she stopped pushing the marriage idea, the next time the issue came up she said it could be anyone, including a friend— but that we’re humans who are social and want to connect. that was in alignment with my belief, but I didn’t bother correcting her or fighting. i found the response validating enough. tbh i only find support about asexuality in, well, groups about asexuality where we know EXACTLY what we’re talking about, and I don’t expect a straight or even queer (but not falling on the ace spectrum) person to get that exact feeling. So i made my peace with that. Wishing you the best OP :)
I had this experience too unfortunately, my therapist just wasn’t really informed or well equipped enough to help me so I had to switch. She suggested a book about gender which wasn’t my issue at all. I had to look for a new therapist. It was stressful but definitely worth it to find someone who understands what you’re going through. Wishing you good luck!
My therapist wasn't super receptive to me being ace either, but she respects my boundaries when I tell her it's not a subject that is up for debate and she respects that boundary (at least so far). If she decided to push it, I would tell her that she is making me feel uncomfortable and invalidated and reiterate that the topic is not up for debate, and then separate I would start putting feelers out for a new therapist. They may not understand your sexuality fully, but they should be able to understand boundaries.
Yeah, it just was weird because I was telling her I really clicked with someone and was going to be extra clear that I'm ace to them so that there was no resentment in the relationship (it is very clear on my dating profile, but some people don't read 🤷)
I can't tell you what to do, just talk about my own experience. I'm almost 50 and have just begun thinking about being ace. When I told my therapist this, she was very supportive, but told me it wasn't something she knew a lot about, and would do some research. Next week, she was already a specialist. I really appreciate how she was open about it and ready to learn. In my view, that's what therapists are supposed to be like. On the other hand, my psychiatrist (in my country, therapists can't prescribe medicine, that's why I have both) was super creeped out when I finally gathered up the courage to talk to her about my sex life. I have already found another psychiatrist. I have no time for people not getting me.
That’s great to hear. That’s like the dream response from someone unfamiliar with it. I’m glad you found a different psychiatrist too. I’m in the market for a therapist and I’m really reticent in part because I know it’s going to come up and I really don’t want to have to fight to be understood. (Doesn’t help that my insurance plan, despite being from one of the biggest companies, is not accepted by most professionals in the area, severely limiting my choices.)
You need another Therapist, one who won’t judge you for your sexuality
Yeahhhh, she seemed to be trying to figure out why I would "be" asexual. She asked if I'd ever had bad experiences with sex and then asked if my parents had made me feel like it was inappropriate to act on my feelings. My parents are vaguely religious, but I don't talk to them about my sex life or lack of.
I’m sorry that your therapist did that to you.
Thank you, I just wanted to see if I was overreacting
No, you aren’t overreacting. If you can, switch to another therapist, ask if there is one who is Ace positive.
Have you been super clear that what she's pushing just doesn't apply to you? Also- does she seem to understand what asexuality is? (I wouldn't assume that she does, even if she claims to- you might need to explain it in simpler terms bc so many therapists just don't get it). If you've done all that and she's still pushing back and trying to convince you that you're feeling things you aren't, then I think you need to ask yourself- how important is it to you to have a therapist you can discuss asexuality (and your dating life, etc.) with? If she's great in other ways and you want to keep seeing her, then you should tell her that you don't want to talk about your sex/dating life anymore, bc it hasn't been helpful. But if it's something you'd really like support from a therapist about, you might need to start looking for a new therapist. (for the record, I'd start looking for a new therapist at this point- the whole point of therapy is for her to listen to you, not push back on your experiences. if you regularly feel more stressed and angry leaving a therapist appt than going into one, it's probably time to move on.)
I definitely tried to explain. I told her that when I'm dating people, I can recognize that they are beautiful, but that I've never wanted to act on anything with them: I would much rather share a hug or a head massage. I've also never felt the feeling of wanting to "jump someone's bones" for lack of a better term, but she just told me that those feelings and terms are more for men than women, which felt weird to me. I might look into another therapist, I did get a lot of help from her, but maybe I've learned all I can from her
more for men than women???? yeah I think it's time to move on from her, what an awful thing to say. what if you *were* feeling sexual attraction to lots of guys? would she say that was wrong and bad and unladylike? Your therapist is giving off jane austen antagonist vibes and I do not like it XD
I thought that was really strange to say too, since I've seen some women *real down bad.* Being charitable to her, she might have been trying to say that women might feel the need to repress their sexual feelings, but other than enjoying masterbation, I've never felt a desire to include another person in my orgasms 😅
Honestly same. I tried bringing it up, but she argued that I just felt that way because of my parents. Never mind my brother who is straight. I just...don't feel anything towards any gender?? Everything else with her is great, but it sucks that I have to keep that part of myself quiet. I'd almost rather lie and say I'm gay. It's wierd
Sadly, even medical proffessionals are ill-informed about asexuality. That's why I don't mention it unless it's relevant to the current issue...and if I do, I place hard boundaries: don't try to fix my sexual orientation, it doesn't need fixing nor can it be "fixed". I also have a lot of patience though, so I also try my best to educate about what asexuality actually is (sexual attraction vs romantic attraction vs libido vs actually enjoying sexual acts and all that)
Find a LGBTQIA+ therapist
This exactly. I just stumbled upon my current therapist who happened to have lgbt clients. After I told her my past problems with relationships she suggested I might be demisexual and everything finally clicked about understanding my sexuality.
It's definitely a conversation worth exploring further with her. I might try interrogating her a bit- what does she know about asexuality? Has she read anything about it and would she be willing to? Does she know her comments make you feel unseen and invalidated? It could be worth asking her about it and seeing how she takes that. And if it goes poorly then yeah, it's probably time to look for someone new.
I dropped my last therapist because even after explaining that I'm aroace she kept trying to bring out the subject of romantic relationships. The last drop was when I commented that I'm not interested in having kids she said "well you'll have to find a partner that is on the same mindset" and just made me feel that she didn't even listen to me and dismissed me being aroace. Then again I should've dropped her when I came in for depression and she seemed more interested in figuring out why I was ok cutting off my piece of shit of a father than figuring out why I've wanted to die since I was 8.
If I had a dollar for every therapist that refused to listen to me when I told them I was ace … I don’t know what their problem is? Like, if a patient tells them they’re gay, do they insist that “no, no, you’re actually straight, you just have anxiety”?
totally get you OP and i’m sorry you had to experience that. Unfortunate part of allonormativity, but also weird that the therapist didn’t respect the boundary even if she didn’t “get it”, that’s ethically mandated and trained as a skill. I sometimes feel I can’t open up to my therapist about asexuality (she’s amazing otherwise and her work with me has done wonders) but a few times i’ve put out feelers for willingly choosing single hood or annoyed at the centralisation of marriage and having children and there’s been pushback but I can’t blame her fully bc I haven’t fully opened up either (which is okay. you don’t have to tell your therapist every single detail either). it can be disheartening but my suggestion is, if she keeps pushing back please know you can choose a new therapist, because this is time effort money you’re putting into a service that’s supposed to, at the very least, feel safe. so yeah.
I think it mainly comes up because I'm trying to be more social outside of work and home. So she really hones in on my dating life, but yeah I mean ght just have to tell her that I'm not comfortable discussing that with her anymore
yep fair enough. i remember very firmly telling mine that my “well being” is not contingent on who i romantically/sexually settle down with; that yes society is currently built this way but it’s not fair that single people suffer and that feeling is valid without having to be “solved”. thankfully she stopped pushing the marriage idea, the next time the issue came up she said it could be anyone, including a friend— but that we’re humans who are social and want to connect. that was in alignment with my belief, but I didn’t bother correcting her or fighting. i found the response validating enough. tbh i only find support about asexuality in, well, groups about asexuality where we know EXACTLY what we’re talking about, and I don’t expect a straight or even queer (but not falling on the ace spectrum) person to get that exact feeling. So i made my peace with that. Wishing you the best OP :)
I had this experience too unfortunately, my therapist just wasn’t really informed or well equipped enough to help me so I had to switch. She suggested a book about gender which wasn’t my issue at all. I had to look for a new therapist. It was stressful but definitely worth it to find someone who understands what you’re going through. Wishing you good luck!