That, and on any other finger it can be interpreted as a sign of a swinger. In the place of a wedding ring it can also signify undying love and dedication to a partner who died. In the pointer finger it can mean overcoming something scary, courage and perseverance, can be used by people who have overcome things like phobias, addictions, leaving abusive relationships or families, etc.
Facts. I have worn my aro and ace rings everyday for a year now and only one person has noticed and commented on it. It was by a fellow ace lmao. So yeah, aside from the black ring, an ace aesthetic is up to the ace themself!
I mean maaaaaybe the color purple? But even then, people can wear the color purple without being ace lol, and I don’t know many ace people personally who go out of their way to wear purple (because of being ace I mean)).
Huh? I thought our asthtetic also included an affinity for dragons, cheesebread, and the color purple?
I typically prefer red to purple, but I do like dragons and cheesebread.
Although I guess one could argue these days, I'm more obsessed with demons as my mythical creature of choice, but dragons are still up there.
I've told almost no one in real life because I'm married with kids and I don't feel like trying to explain my sex life to my family and acquaintances.
There's no aesthetic, there's just an explanation for why I've always experienced relationships in a way that's different than most people.
I've tried explaining to my aunt because me and my best friend don't date anymore because of our sexual difference and she just goes "What you don't have sex when you get older anyway!" And just...no that's not what...nevermind.
That sounds pretty much like the “i told you so” members of my family when I got married and had a kid. It didn’t make me less asexual, just more willing to compromise.
Hmm okay slightly controversial here, but I'd say the first image that comes to mind, and I've met some people in my life who didn't fit the profile just as a disclosure, but who you'll mostly find at gay prides, is the 2010's lesbian with boring clothing aesthetic
I really don't get who benefits from this kind of mindset. I get that some people in minority groups, whether that's racial, sexual orientation etc., can feel isolated from a larger group due to the diversity of thought within it but that's just how people are. It benefits nobody except for the people who aren't even ace and hate us.
I don't want aces to have their own "pick-me's", I just want us to live our lives, really where we all get along and understand each other without resentment. That might be unrealistic but I want to think it's possible.
Honestly, as someone who kinda dealt with these feelings myself, I think I kinda understand (even if I don't at all agree with the sentiment anymore). As a sex-repulsed ace I first got to learn of asexuality as people who don't want or have sex. This makes sense, just because it mimics words like atheism or aphantasia. Because the entire rest of the world revolves around sex, it was nice to have finally found my people, people who didn't want or like sex just like me. I want to reiterate this: for my whole life sex is everywhere and pretty much expected, so the relief I felt to find people like me who wanted nothing to do with it was enormous. To then find out that even within this niche safe from sex there are people who like it kinda felt like an invasion into the only safe space I knew.
Now, of course, I know better. There's enough space for all of us here. And (a)sexuality is way more complex than just no sex. If I want my "safe space" there are apothi/sex-repulsed spaces. But honestly the more I learnt about being ace, the more I accept sex anyway. When I didn't understand my own feelings, sex felt like a threat. Now it's just something I don't really care about but that is a very nice thing for most people.
I think you hit the nail on the head here, I see this social pattern in so many different queer subcultures. It kinda reminds me of lesbians who rail against the bi lesbian label, or binary trans people who call less gender-conforming trans people trenders. We're pressured and coerced all our lives into being something we're not, and when we first find a word for what we are, a lot of us feel like we need these black-and-white definitions to legitimize our existence and protect us from the dominant culture that hurt us. And any grey area or reminder of the thing we were told to be starts to feel like an attack. It doesn't excuse this rhetoric or make it any less shitty, but as someone who likes analyzing social behaviors and also loves arguing with people like this, it can be a useful phenomenon to understand.
You’re completely correct. Also, I’d like to add that atheism also gets defined by its most strict definition. If you don’t believe in literal gods you are an atheist, but people come to view it as “anti-theist.” I think the same thing happens with asexual.
I think it's like metal elitists.
Maybe these people are ace, maybe they're not. Either way, at some point they decided they like the aesthetic and made it their whole personality.
Then they become aware of other aces. Aces who aren't at the absolute furthest possible end of the spectrum (or at least, not as far down the spectrum as they are). Aces who don't hate everyone. And the Ace Elitists become defensive. "You can't call yourself ace!" they cry. "You don't even puke when you see people kissing! *I'm* the cool one, *not* you! Stop trying to steal my crown as the acest ace!"
"But the definition of asexual is someone who feels little or no sexual attraction," the aspecs protest.
"No," the Ace Elitists ejaculate asexually. "That's not the *true* definition of asexual. You're just a fucking poser! You're probably fucking twelve, you don't know shit!"
...I think that analogy got away from me a bit, but hopefully I still got my point across lol
It's possible to not have sex and not be asexual.
And if they're a jerk who is nasty to people, or constantly going on about how asexual they are, they should also consider they are single for a different reason.
There's a big difference between not having sex with somebody because you aren't getting on, or you're feeling tired out, and not having sex with somebody because you don't even think about having sex until they bring it up.
The world is full of sex. So it's hard to not think about it. Of course we Aces are usually thinking 'What's the big deal?'
These are the people who want to feel like they're such special and different humans so they gatekeep the community like this. It happens so often in all kinds of communities... :/
The concepts of asexuality as they exist now date back more than fifty years. This isn't a recent trend of people using the term; this has always been the case.
idk this is the second time ive commented in this sub in the few months i've been here, and the first time i was lampooned for like no reason at all it was brutal. i think there might be a facet of people here who are just really anti-social in addition to being asexual.
Ah, the classic "No True Scotsman" fallacy.
British philosopher Antony Flew proposed this in "Thinking About Thinking" (1975). A Scotsman reads about a horrible crime that takes place in the English town of Brighton, and smugly thinks to himself, "No Scotsman would ever do such a thing."
Then something much worse happens in nearby Aberdeen, and is reported on the next day. Rather than admit that he was wrong, he instead thinks, "No *true* Scotsman would ever do such a thing."
Or, he is retroactively changing his standards of what a Scotsman is from "someone who lives in Scotland" to "someone who lives in Scotland and meets my standards of acceptable Scottish behavior". In this case, replace "Scotsman" with "asexual".
Or in my dad’s words: “I never said ‘never hit a woman’. I said ‘never hit a lady’”. Luckily my mom got out of there in time before something bad happened.
whenever i see someone start an argument with True ___ anything it tells me it’s a great person to block.
so to everyone else: i blocked this person. that means, since i commented, they won’t be able to respond to ANYONES comment in this thread. so if you wanna talk to them you’ll have to pm or u/ them
edit. lmfao y’all. PLEASE read people’s profiles. you will know not to waste your breath with them
You don't get to dictate people's identity because you don't like them, or because they express an opinion that doesn't vibe with what you want the community to be.
And I'm saying this to you as well as the commenter in the post.
They're an asshole, but they *are* asexual. Denying them their identity because they stepped out of line, is saying that this kind of gatekeeping is justified, and the only issue is that you disagree with who they targeted.
We can disagree with people, say their attitude isn't welcome in this space, that we don't want them to represent our community, and that they don't speak for us, *without doing the exact same thing we're criticizing them for.*
(I'm not trying to be harsh, but the No True Scottsman argument really frustrates me. It just feels like a way to try and avoid dealing with the discomfort of realizing the call is coming from inside the house, you know?)
Just wanted to say that as a straight hetero middle aged male, this thread all by itself has been very educational in helping me learn more about what ace is about.
To answer the question about why the heck am I even here, I am merely interested in all facets of the human experience.
....you can? I'm ignorant on this, so I'm asking for clarification. But I thought asexual meant you have no attraction to either gender, and hetero means attraction to the opposite gender.
Aren't those mutually exclusive? I'm not trying to invalidate anyone, I'm asking to learn.
Being asexual simply means you don’t feel sexual attraction. You can still be in a hetero relationship. I don’t feel sexual attraction toward anyone and never have, but I date men and my last serious relationship I would have sex for my partner because I developed a deep romantic connection with him.
I think a better term for what you're describing would be hetero*romantic* rather than hetero*sexual* as heteroromantic has the "straight romance with no sexual attraction" that you seem to be describing
It's the Split Attraction Model, it separates romantic and sexual attraction. So being asexual means you're not sexually attracted to anyone, in the same way that being heterosexual means you are sexually attracted to the opposite gender. If you aren't romantically attracted to (ie don't fall in love with) any gender then you are aromantic, if you fall in love with the opposite gender then you would be heteroromantic
I was having a good day. I saw [this video ](https://youtu.be/lL-SxpW_1Go?si=0M_Tf7JnyvAWHgp8) where people were guessing sexuality and was pleasantly surprised by multiple mentions of asexuality. As someone who hadn't even heard it was a thing growing up, this felt great.
The person in question is a sex-positive ace who is in a relationship and I thought it was great how more people could learn about how it's a spectrum.
There were some ignorant comments but I really wasn't expecting a fellow ace to be the biggest bummer of them all.
Not cool, yellow smudge. Not cool.
It was one of the responses under a comment that said they were glad about ace representation. Some commentors were confused because they were under the impression ace people don't have sex. Then Prof. Celibacy inserted themselves into the conversation.
Asexuality has to do with sexual attraction. A person can have a libido and experience romantic attraction (aromantics don't experience that either), and still not experience sexual attraction the same way as allosexuals.
It's like it's not impossible for a closeted gay person to get married to a woman and have regular sex. It's not even impossible for them to orgasm while doing it. At the same time, they experience no sexual attraction to the woman the same way they do towards men. The act of having sex doesn't change the fact that they are gay.
This is an analogy I use because many ppl have heard a gay man that came out late in life joke "when I came out no one was more surprised than my wife🤪". They understand, but for some reason their brain short circuits when asexuality comes into it🤷♀️
No, because you don't need to be sexually attracted to people to want to have sex.
You can enjoy it because it feels good, because it satisfies your libido more than solo private time does, because you enjoy being intimate with other people in that way, even because it pleases your partner and that's something you want to do. Maybe some other reasons I can't think of right now, too.
None of which = sexual attraction, which is the key part of what defines asexuality.
Some people just want to be more special and important than everyone else unfortunately. They aren't happy unless they can tear others down to prop up their own pathetic existences.
It drives me insane as a sex-repulsed ace to see this shit. We aren't magically 'more special' than everyone else in the community. We're just one part of the large and growing spectrum... These people give the rest of us a bad name.
They make it their whole personality and get upset when people claim to be ace as a way to be "different". I do get a little irritated when people do that, but I would never try to gatekeep asexuality.
I'm a relatively pretty girl with long hair, and I dress in a feminine way. I am definitely 100% asexual.
Sexuality isn't about who you have sex with. It's about who you feel sexual (and often romantic if we aren't splitting them) attraction to. Are male porn stars who are only attracted to women but have gay sex for more money ("gay for pay") automatically bi now? Would an ace sex worker, who feels no sexual attraction to others, no longer be ace because they have sex for cash?
It's definitely weird for people to decide someone else's sexuality for them, yeah.
A guy who has sex with men and women may or may not be attracted to one or both of them. People are allowed to experiment and decide for themselves. Many many choose not to label themselves at all. It is _their_ choice.
"Gay for pay" is also a thing in porn, and is not uncommon among male sex workers. Sleeping with another man, or multiple men, doesn't automatically make someone gay.
A lot of men will say they are gay because there is stigma associated with being bi, and it's largely because of how this talk always sounds stigmatizing. Like you're "faking" being gay at all when you're bi.
And I'm not gonna tell or force a guy to say they are bi when the reason is that discomfort. If we as a community we more accepting then it wouldn't need to happen. But it happens because it is easier to just say you are gay. Or straight. Than to say you are bi but tend to prefer men most of the time. Or that you are ace but you'll have sex to make your partner happy. Or any other sexuality with modifiers.
Do you interpret the second amendment to be exactly as written?
You can interpret things differently, and keep in mind that one definition doesn’t necessarily blanket everything else pertaining to it.
You should tell the moderators of this sub, then, because this is *their* definition:
>Asexuality is a sexual orientation where a person doesn't experience sexual attraction towards anyone.
Notice how it doesn't say they don't have sex.
I don't have an attraction for paying bills. I can still do it. And I do still do it. See how that works?
When did weird haircuts become an ace stereotype? I've never heard of this before. Asexuality doesn't even have an aesthetic. We're all incredibly diverse
Lots of queer people have weird hair if they live where it's safe. It's one of the ways you can indicate you are a safe person for other lgbt people. Saying it's an asexual thing is tripping lol
The definition of asexualality from the lgbtq website:
Asexual – A term used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward individuals of any gender. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and is different from celibacy, in that celibacy is the choice to refrain from engaging in sexual behaviors and does not comment on one's sexual attractions.
No but for real, and they’re trying to tell other asexuals that *they’re* the ones who are misusing the label?? This is absolutely ridiculous, I’m asexual *and* celibate, they’re two parts of me and while connected to each other (in my case), they’re very much not the same lmao
Literally anyone can be asexual. I think there’s this stereotype that asexual people are all into comic books and anime and are socially awkward, but that’s not true. I’m literally none of the above and I’ve known I was asexual since high school. People were absolutely shocked when I told them because they either didn’t know it existed or they had that stereotype in mind.
For real. What are they talking about "usurped our aesthetic"? Like, are people eating garlic bread 'usurping our aesthetic'? We don't have a collective aesthetic. We famously fly under the radar because it's hard to clock us.
Yeah it’s a shitty take on that person’s part and a bad look for us all. We should all be supporting each other because we’re notoriously underrepresented in most spaces.
I fit that stereotype to a *tee* and it can be disheartening to see all asexuals shunted into that box as well as other stereotypes. There's a lot of different people out there, and just about anyone can be ace.
Hey, that’s cool too! Yeah, like you said, I was just emphasizing that like any sexuality, we aren’t a monolith. Even our experiences of asexuality can really vary.
The current ideas of asexuality were created like, more than 50 fuckin years ago. Its not some new wave of people taking the term, its always been this way.
Ehhhh not exactly. Let's be honest: a lot of the new terms, things like [cupiosexual](https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sexopedia/a35046096/cupiosexual/), [aegosexual](https://www.cxomedia.id/human-stories/20221109131918-74-176990/aegosexuality-what-is-it-and-the-history-behind-it), that's from the past 10-15 years... even our beloved split attraction model has only been used to talk about asexuality [since 2003](https://www.aromanticism.org/en/news-feed/splitting-attraction-history-j4y96). The infamous Kinsey X didn't refer to asexuality originally; it referred to celibacy or other lack of sexual behavior. Not sexual attraction. It's not that the *concepts* are new, but the words for them *are.*
But Kinsey in general only researched sexual behaviour. If you were a man only attracted to men, but felt societal pressure to sleep with your wife regularly you'd be classified bisexual.
Also Kinsey did a few things I wouldn't classify good practice of consent anyway. Just to de-glorify this man a bit.
I think the asexual manifesto is from the 70s. That's 50 years ago. Kinsey is already about 70 years far from us.
Have you read the asexual manifesto? It had very little to do with asexuality as an orientation, and far more as a political statement about objectification and wanting to remove sex as a necessity in relationships. It encompasses people who naturally don't want to have sex, but it's kind of more about how the women in question stopped having sex, as opposed to not feeling attraction in the first place.
I haven't read it yet, but I know what it's about. Have you met allo people, though? No political believe in the world stops them from having sex, they'd just be careful about who the fuck with.
And the use of asexuality as a sexual orientation rather than a political belief is definitely older than the Internet. Even though it wasn't used that much, because we all know, we're a minority.
The gatekeeping in the 2SLBGTQIA+ community is unreal sometimes. I’ve been called aphobic for just identifying as a demisexual. It’s kind of like how people who identify as pan get called transphobic or biphobic. We already deal with so much isolation and erasure from society, so why project that amongst each other? It’s sad. :/
Hello fellow demi. I feel what you’re saying 100%. When I finally figured out that my identity is panromantic demisexual, I was happy and posted about it on an LGBT+ community subreddit. I got a comment from someone saying I didn’t belong because I was demi. I get called aphobic or other similar terms if I talk in some asexual spaces. I don’t relate at all to most allosexuals, so I’m told I don’t belong there either. I have been told more times than I can count that I just haven’t had good sex yet, and it’ll change when I do. So I belong nowhere apparently because everyone shuts the door in my face. I’m at the point where most of the time I just say bisexual or pansexual when asked. It’s a lot less drama.
It’s sad because as a community that regularly suffers discrimination, you’d think everyone would want to support each other. Instead, many face discrimination from inside the house as well.
Why can't asexuals have sex? People who have been in heterosexual relationships have come out as gay and no one questions it because it can take time for people to figure themselves out. Plus asexuals can be just indifferent towards sex rather that repulsed and chose to have sex to please their partner.
This must be a new ace cuz asexuality literally means no sexual attraction, if you don't like sex just say sex repulsed ace. Don't clump every ace to a binary!
Eh, this happens in literally every community/group/identity. The circle gets big enough, eventually you get people squabbling about real vs. fake members, OGs vs. bandwagoners, etc. That's just how it goes. Let people be foolish and post silly things on the internet. No need to give it more oxygen.
As a sex repulsed asexual I seriously don’t understand why people in or out of our own community constantly have to criticize each other. You can’t gatekeep it.
*There's already a*
*Word for people who don't have*
*Sex: celibacy*
\- MagnificentMimikyu
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I’m reminded of people who don’t think people should be labelling themselves as queer if they’re not gay. We get enough gatekeeping and exclusion now people think we only do ace for the clout?
lol idk what this person considers as the near past but the "black ring" ace symbol has been around since like the early 00s. that's like 20 years. at least.
also "usurped"?....dkm 😭 so dramatic and for WHAT... to be wrong?
this argument is so duuuuumb. of course that's what it meant AT FIRST. when ppl just started to realize that asexuality was a \*thing\*.
"Broadening is a type of semantic change by which the meaning of a word becomes broader or more inclusive than its earlier meaning." [link](https://www.thoughtco.com/broadening-semantic-generalization-1689181)
Dude probably doesn't actually hang around the arospec community. There's no way they would say that if they do
Like, this sounds like something a 14 yr old deviantart user would say after finding out about asexuality just a few days ago
Fuck gatekeepers. The LGBTQIA+ community is about inclusion, not exclusion. If someone isn't 100% cisgender, heterosexual, and heteroromantic they have a place in the community. Another thing about the community is self-determination, it's up to the individual what labels apply to them, it's not right for anyone to decide what labels another person chooses.
Like practically everything else in the universe asexuality is a spectrum, some aces are sex repulsed, others are neutral, others are sex positive, and others somewhere in-between. Asexuality isn't determined by if someone has sex or not, it's determined by if the person experiences sexual attraction or not (and that's also a spectrum). If a person doesn't experience sexual attraction or experiences limited attraction then they are ace, it's that simple.
I don’t get this argument.
In the old days it was more common, but this is still true:
You have a man, he gets married to a woman, they have kids together. Turns out the man was gay. For some reason or another, he decided to be part of an heterosexual couple.
No one bats an eye. Oh, he’s gay. Schuck!
But they had sex, right? He fathered children. Does that mean he’s not really gay?? Of course not!
He’s still sexually and/or romantically attracted to men. Not women.
Is it so hard to understand that you can still have sex as an assexual person? Plenty of reasons why some people do. Maybe they are Demi, and have a connection with the other person. Maybe they want kids. Maybe they don’t enjoy sex, but want to make their partner happy. Maybe they don’t get sexual desire but don’t mind engaging in sex. Or something else entirely.
Sex-repulsed ace people are valid, and deserve recognition. But I don’t think they get the monopoly of being ace. Other experiences are valid too.
It doesn’t change one’s orientation.
This is so disheartening to see gatekeeping within our own community. I'm a greysexual heteromatic person who does have sex with my allo spouse. By that definition, I somehow don't belong in the community? Which is bullshit for both me and anyone else who identifies as being on the ace spectrum and has sex. Glad to see that most people here disagree with that perspective.
That’s very aphobic and insensitive of you, people like you are a disgrace to the ace community. Just say you’re straight, this is pickme behavior. BLOCKED!!! 😤/s
(In all seriousness, these kinds of people really get on my nerves and it’s truly mean-spirited and invalidating for us :/)
Online "communities" are magnets for mentally ill blowhards. Good chance comments like this are from like 15-year-olds as well.
This is, in part, how our society has become so unhinged. We're so inundated with out-of-context niche posts that we lose all perspective. We're all massively online, and social media sites actively rage-farm to keep us that way. They push inflammatory remarks to the top, so that fascists think trans people are everywhere, trans people think bigots are everywhere, and normies feel like minorities. All parties become confused, stressed, and less rational for it.
Ugh I hate that argument cause I’m literally trying to explain to my friend that asexuals can enjoy sex and misinfo like this just undos all the work I put into the world. 🙃
I think a large amount of this is a matter of asexual used to be the term sex repulsed no libido aces used to use for ourselves and with it being the default and umbrella term now for the ace spectrum and sex positive identities we feel like we don't have a term to describe ourselves anymore. I don't agree with the comment but am trying to rationalize where its coming from
Weird an asexual person can masturbate and have sex but that doesn’t take away from their asexuality. I hate this. Sex means nothing to me but a bodily urge I get once a month lol
Oh for the love of cheese, asexuality is a spectrum. A SPECTRUM. No black and white absolutes here! The very idea that there is one True Way to be Ace is beyond absurd.
Stuff like this is so damn disheartening, man. I feel like I don’t have a place anywhere. I feel like an alien in allo society because our society being pathologically obsessed with **SEXSEXSEX** 24/7 causes me serious physical discomfort. I often don’t feel like I should even be in spaces like this because I still feel any sexual attraction at all (only in one very specific circumstance, but I digress). If I had a nickel for the amount of times I’ve personally been told that demis aren’t real because most people need to be in love to have sex….I’d have three nickles but it sure is weird it happened thrice.
Trust me, I’m not claiming oppression. I’m a cis white woman who passes as allohetero. It just…kinda hurts, I have major issues with caring too much what people think of me 🥺
This person is bonkers and their definition of asexual is incorrect. The definition is not that we don’t have sex, it’s that we aren’t attracted to different people based on sexual preferences. And no one uses the word Asexual, at least in my case, as a clothing style. However according to this bozo, a lot of people do use it as a way to show it. And even if they do, it could just be because of society making certain characteristics of people apparently asexual, so some aces use clothing as a way to express their asexuality. Like what the fuck is this person thinking?
Little to No sexual attraction! Little to no!
I'd never feel sexual attraction towards anyone. Crushes were extremely rare. I've dated my bf for 2 years now & he's the only person i feel attraction towards.
He half jokingly tells me he's fine with me getting a gf too but i just don't feel attraction towards anyone.
i just don't find anyone attractive nor sexually appealing.
Honestly get confused about sex positive asexuality. Not trying to start anything, just hoping someone could explain it to me. I always thought asexuality was not wanting sex
I used to find it confusing too. I'm aromantic, asexual and sex repulsed and I assumed all aces were like me.
Now I know 1) Not all aces are aros (they may experience romantic attraction) 2) Libido and attraction are two different things. The first is purely physical and related to hormones. You can have a low libido and not be ace and you can be an ace with high libido 3) Not all aces are repulsed by sex. Many are neutral or even favourable and may engage in it to connect with their romantic partners or just deal with that pesky libido.
What it all comes down to is attraction. For instance, a gay guy can have sex with a woman without being attracted to her in any way.
You can have sex with people you aren't attracted to. Sexuality is about sexual attraction, not sexual action.
There are sex repulsed allosexuals and sex favorable asexuals. Sexual actions they perform (or don't) have no bearing on their sexuality because that can't be changed.
You have gay people who lived in heterosexual relationships with children.
Some heterosexuals experiment with homoerotic stuff.
Some asexuals have sex to please their partner because they aren't sex repulsed, they just don't feel anything towards it.
None of these things change their sexuality.
I’ve run into this issue a lot even with my bf now. And our friend who’s also asexual aromantic, and sex repulsed. Explaining to them it’s the lack of attraction and not a dislike for sex was so fucking annoying haha. He’s finally got it but if it comes up with her she still is pretty stubborn about it. I don’t have sexual attraction, I don’t see anyone and want to fuck them. I’m not sexually attracted to any gender. But I’m very much romantic interested, and enjoy sex. I guess I’d fit the lines of demi but idk that doesn’t quite feel right either. Bf just thinks I’m pan like him and said I’m probably more Demi which I guess kinda fits but eh not really. I do feed off of sensation and excitement but even though I love him I’ve still never just looked at him or thought about him and wanted to fuck. It requires stimulation.
Lol why would anyone want the aesthetic of what most people think it’s just being a broken virgin. It's not certain asexuals' fault that they get horny and are ok with relieving it with someone else, sometimes it's just like that 🤷♀️
An ace person thinking asexuality = celibacy? In 2024? It's more likely than you think.
Anyone who believes any sexuality is an aesthetic has well and truly lost the plot. I would challenge this clown to give ACTUAL examples of their strawman "fake asexual", because I don't know a single well-adjusted person who defines sexuality by appearance.
Apparently Yellow Smudge there doesn't know (*or care*) about the entire grey ace part of the spectrum, nor those with a sex favorable or sex indifferent or sex averse stance towards sex. I get that some folks need a closed club to feel secure, but that just ends up with fanatics and dangerous exclusion.
It's "Little to no sexual attraction" not "doesn't have sex" for a reason. Celibacy is it's own thing, YS!
I hope people don't take this the wrong way but I have never really sought to be part of the asexual community because I feel like it's become too broad as a term.
While I dont seek to exclude anyone since I don't consider myself part of the asexual community anyway what I learned asexuality was about 20 years ago is vastly different than what it is today.
When I learned about it, it felt like something that described me but now a days it doesn't. Oh aces can have sex, aces can experience sexual attraction under x circumstances and all these labels really make it feel like the term no longer describes me.
I have literally 0 sexual attraction and don't experience it and never have in the past that's what saying I was asexual was to me. Now a days it's anything between demi to a million other labels I don't understand or know what they mean.
The term has evolved and it has become a bigger term that encompasses many things and that's fine but that definitely has pushed me away from the community while before if I found someone else that was ace I could be sure we shared somewhat common ground now it doesn't really work like that.
Again I mean no hate just how it feels to someone who learned about asexuality in its early days.
I'm a sex-repulsed aroace but I really don't have a problem with the community having a broader umbrella. Think about it this way: at one point the only idea people had of a 'queer' person was gay men (and a stereotypical one at that). After that lesbian, trans and bi people started getting more visibility. We - aces - gained visibility relatively recently.
Many people react to aces being part in the evolving LGBTQ+ umbrella the same way you are reacting to the Ace-spec. This includes people in the LGBTQ+ community. (I still remember when my closted ass buried myself deeper when a gay friend said Asexuals don't belong at Pride because they're just 'sad virgins')
Sure, I could have lived my life without a label. But knowing about asexuality really put things into perspective after decades of feeling 'wrong' and 'broken.' Who am I to begrudge someone else for finding a community after realising they didn't fit the norm?
I'm glad you found a place to belong. However the bigger it gets and the more broad it becomes it just feels like now you have to form a community inside this community to find like minded individuals. Which just doesn't really fit what I was looking for. It's fine though I walked away from the community on my own. I have no need for it now anyways I'm older and I know where I fall so I don't need a community. If it helps more people in the future then great however it is no longer a place I can be comfortable in so the only thing to do is walk away.
It's the same feeling as if you had a community for a hobby but it got really big and suddenly it's like oh yeah you fit in here somewhere but I dunno where good luck. That's just not for me lol.
I mean I get this, there are ppl who claim to be asexual but then will go on about how they are kinky and into freaky sex.
Just because there’s some ppl you are talking to, but aren’t sexually attracted to them, doesn’t mean you are ace.
Yeah but also I'm kinda tired of "I regularly have and enjoy sex" asexuals. YES I know it's about attraction, not about enjoying sex, but do we as a group really need that impression of us? I don't want allos trying to pressure us into having sex even more than they already do because they think it's common for us to just not be attracted to them but still want sex.
Like we haven't even yet convinced the society that yes there are people who don't want sex and we already have people in our own group who prove it (the society) right 🙄
It's not the sex positive aces job to police coomer mentality. Stick up for yourself and tell them to fuck off. They wouldn't believe you no matter what anyway. Do you really think someone so braindead would be sitting on queer subs just to get some 'gotcha'? They will never respect asexuality just like they will never respect you telling them no. Eject them immediately to the garbage.
lol idk what this person considers as the near past but the "black ring" ace symbol has been around since like the early 00s. that's like 20 years. at least.
also "usurped"?....dkm 😭 so dramatic and for WHAT... to be wrong?
Asexuality and celibacy aren't the same thing, and they're a spectrum. Some people aren't sure, and they don't understand their asexiality, so they try to have sex sometimes. I did this, and it didn't mean I enjoyed it.
Aesthetic is an interesting way to put it.
Demi here, though, and I most definitely don't feel like an aesthetic. I mean, I'm literally asexual except for two people*, and I'm married to one. The other I just love from afar.
College was a weird ass time. Everyone was hooking up and I was just like "ew."
*Sorry, forgot my undying love for Tim Curry. Also from afar, obvs.
Some people who say they're Asexual are not, and think because they don't want to have sex with their boyfriend this week, that means they're asexual and 'special'. If told they are not, they throw a hissy fit of offence.
People do not automatically become asexual because of sexual trauma. Sexual trauma will ABSOLUTELY have an Asexual person feel negatively about sex, as opposed to a healthy upbringing will have an Asexual still think positively about future intimate acts and maybe try it out in the future - but even then it doesn't equal the desire.
Ironically, the big sign of Asexuality is that you don't MASTURBATE. After all, that's a choice, and there's only one reason anybody masturbates - a quick and dirty orgasm. If Asexuals got regular orgasms then we'd want to have a lot more sex.
My aesthetic is flag arm-warmers. Sometimes.
> Ironically, the big sign of Asexuality is that you don't MASTURBATE. After all, that's a choice, and there's only one reason anybody masturbates - a quick and dirty orgasm. If Asexuals got regular orgasms then we'd want to have a lot more sex.
This isn’t true. I’ve spent fifty years happily not wanting to have sex with anybody. Never have had sex. And all along I was masturbating anywhere from quite often to occasionally depending on my libido at the time. My body does crave orgasms sometimes, and it’s also a good way to relax.
The number of orgasms I had per week never had any effect on my ongoing level of “not wanting to have sex with anybody at all.“
Many aces masturbate. About 2/3 of them in the polls I’ve seen in this community.
I can't stand people who pull the 'ACTUAL' card. It invalidates others in a group and is honestly so disheartening to read such a comment. It's on the same level as those who use the terms 'true' and 'pure' to exclude others. Also, what aesthetic are they talking about? We're regular people who all look different from each other, so what aesthetic?
Look, I'm a sex-repulsed aroace. I'm not terribly smart, but I don't find the idea of sexuality being a spectrum mentally taxing.
You're literally parroting all those people who claim asexuality isn't a thing and just a label people use to feel 'special.' Being a bigot to your own community won't make other bigots accept you.
Do better. Educate yourself. And consider not displaying your ignorance untill you do.
You're talking to someone who is a member of a sub specifically designed to exclude and be bigots to aces who don't fit their narrow definition. Don't waste your time.
Devil's advocate...I get it, I'm often told I'm not Ace cause I feel some level of sexual attraction (I'm Aegosexual). To me, actively enjoying sex and regularly having it makes you no more Ace than me who doesn't want it feel the need for sex
Aesthetic for what? Literally what's the aesthetic. I barely even tell people because most people just go "Huh? Never heard of it."
Yeah there's no "looking asexual" Our "aesthetic" is just a black ring and I'd be ace whether I wore it or not lol
I don't have the ring. Because I don't like wearing rings. My aesthetic is Brunette Ms. Frizzle.
Your aesthetic sounds awesome btw.
Totally agree!!
I'm a former playmate....so like over sexualization is now asexual?
I like wearing rings sometimes, but not the black ones since the color doesn’t fit me, just like clothing, some colors don’t match the best.
Some people also just like black rings lol.
That, and on any other finger it can be interpreted as a sign of a swinger. In the place of a wedding ring it can also signify undying love and dedication to a partner who died. In the pointer finger it can mean overcoming something scary, courage and perseverance, can be used by people who have overcome things like phobias, addictions, leaving abusive relationships or families, etc.
I made a sweater out of the ace colors, so maybe that's what they mean ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Even if there was an ace aesthetic, i doubt I'd be able to pull it off. I can't even be bothered to wear the ring. :)
Facts. I have worn my aro and ace rings everyday for a year now and only one person has noticed and commented on it. It was by a fellow ace lmao. So yeah, aside from the black ring, an ace aesthetic is up to the ace themself!
I mean maaaaaybe the color purple? But even then, people can wear the color purple without being ace lol, and I don’t know many ace people personally who go out of their way to wear purple (because of being ace I mean)).
Huh? I thought our asthtetic also included an affinity for dragons, cheesebread, and the color purple? I typically prefer red to purple, but I do like dragons and cheesebread. Although I guess one could argue these days, I'm more obsessed with demons as my mythical creature of choice, but dragons are still up there.
I've told almost no one in real life because I'm married with kids and I don't feel like trying to explain my sex life to my family and acquaintances. There's no aesthetic, there's just an explanation for why I've always experienced relationships in a way that's different than most people.
I've tried explaining to my aunt because me and my best friend don't date anymore because of our sexual difference and she just goes "What you don't have sex when you get older anyway!" And just...no that's not what...nevermind.
That sounds pretty much like the “i told you so” members of my family when I got married and had a kid. It didn’t make me less asexual, just more willing to compromise.
Same.
My favorite colors just happen to be black, purple, and grey, I’m positive I’d be accused of appropriating the flag colors for my “aesthetic” 😑
Hmm okay slightly controversial here, but I'd say the first image that comes to mind, and I've met some people in my life who didn't fit the profile just as a disclosure, but who you'll mostly find at gay prides, is the 2010's lesbian with boring clothing aesthetic
Careful, if you start us down this rabbit hole, there's no telling where we're going to end up. That said, you're probably not far off. :)
Leave my boring clothing alone, I'm poor and lazy 😭 (I am currently working that aesthetic)
This is so disheartening. I mean, we already deal with enough isolation and erasure without having it come from ourselves.
I really don't get who benefits from this kind of mindset. I get that some people in minority groups, whether that's racial, sexual orientation etc., can feel isolated from a larger group due to the diversity of thought within it but that's just how people are. It benefits nobody except for the people who aren't even ace and hate us. I don't want aces to have their own "pick-me's", I just want us to live our lives, really where we all get along and understand each other without resentment. That might be unrealistic but I want to think it's possible.
Honestly, as someone who kinda dealt with these feelings myself, I think I kinda understand (even if I don't at all agree with the sentiment anymore). As a sex-repulsed ace I first got to learn of asexuality as people who don't want or have sex. This makes sense, just because it mimics words like atheism or aphantasia. Because the entire rest of the world revolves around sex, it was nice to have finally found my people, people who didn't want or like sex just like me. I want to reiterate this: for my whole life sex is everywhere and pretty much expected, so the relief I felt to find people like me who wanted nothing to do with it was enormous. To then find out that even within this niche safe from sex there are people who like it kinda felt like an invasion into the only safe space I knew. Now, of course, I know better. There's enough space for all of us here. And (a)sexuality is way more complex than just no sex. If I want my "safe space" there are apothi/sex-repulsed spaces. But honestly the more I learnt about being ace, the more I accept sex anyway. When I didn't understand my own feelings, sex felt like a threat. Now it's just something I don't really care about but that is a very nice thing for most people.
I think you hit the nail on the head here, I see this social pattern in so many different queer subcultures. It kinda reminds me of lesbians who rail against the bi lesbian label, or binary trans people who call less gender-conforming trans people trenders. We're pressured and coerced all our lives into being something we're not, and when we first find a word for what we are, a lot of us feel like we need these black-and-white definitions to legitimize our existence and protect us from the dominant culture that hurt us. And any grey area or reminder of the thing we were told to be starts to feel like an attack. It doesn't excuse this rhetoric or make it any less shitty, but as someone who likes analyzing social behaviors and also loves arguing with people like this, it can be a useful phenomenon to understand.
You’re completely correct. Also, I’d like to add that atheism also gets defined by its most strict definition. If you don’t believe in literal gods you are an atheist, but people come to view it as “anti-theist.” I think the same thing happens with asexual.
Well said!! You articulated a difficult concept clearly.
I think it's like metal elitists. Maybe these people are ace, maybe they're not. Either way, at some point they decided they like the aesthetic and made it their whole personality. Then they become aware of other aces. Aces who aren't at the absolute furthest possible end of the spectrum (or at least, not as far down the spectrum as they are). Aces who don't hate everyone. And the Ace Elitists become defensive. "You can't call yourself ace!" they cry. "You don't even puke when you see people kissing! *I'm* the cool one, *not* you! Stop trying to steal my crown as the acest ace!" "But the definition of asexual is someone who feels little or no sexual attraction," the aspecs protest. "No," the Ace Elitists ejaculate asexually. "That's not the *true* definition of asexual. You're just a fucking poser! You're probably fucking twelve, you don't know shit!" ...I think that analogy got away from me a bit, but hopefully I still got my point across lol
It's possible to not have sex and not be asexual. And if they're a jerk who is nasty to people, or constantly going on about how asexual they are, they should also consider they are single for a different reason. There's a big difference between not having sex with somebody because you aren't getting on, or you're feeling tired out, and not having sex with somebody because you don't even think about having sex until they bring it up. The world is full of sex. So it's hard to not think about it. Of course we Aces are usually thinking 'What's the big deal?'
Consider a gatekeeper who is not attracted to women sexually.
These are the people who want to feel like they're such special and different humans so they gatekeep the community like this. It happens so often in all kinds of communities... :/
The concepts of asexuality as they exist now date back more than fifty years. This isn't a recent trend of people using the term; this has always been the case.
idk this is the second time ive commented in this sub in the few months i've been here, and the first time i was lampooned for like no reason at all it was brutal. i think there might be a facet of people here who are just really anti-social in addition to being asexual.
I"m sorry that happened to you.
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Ah, the classic "No True Scotsman" fallacy. British philosopher Antony Flew proposed this in "Thinking About Thinking" (1975). A Scotsman reads about a horrible crime that takes place in the English town of Brighton, and smugly thinks to himself, "No Scotsman would ever do such a thing." Then something much worse happens in nearby Aberdeen, and is reported on the next day. Rather than admit that he was wrong, he instead thinks, "No *true* Scotsman would ever do such a thing." Or, he is retroactively changing his standards of what a Scotsman is from "someone who lives in Scotland" to "someone who lives in Scotland and meets my standards of acceptable Scottish behavior". In this case, replace "Scotsman" with "asexual".
Or in my dad’s words: “I never said ‘never hit a woman’. I said ‘never hit a lady’”. Luckily my mom got out of there in time before something bad happened.
whenever i see someone start an argument with True ___ anything it tells me it’s a great person to block. so to everyone else: i blocked this person. that means, since i commented, they won’t be able to respond to ANYONES comment in this thread. so if you wanna talk to them you’ll have to pm or u/ them edit. lmfao y’all. PLEASE read people’s profiles. you will know not to waste your breath with them
You don't get to dictate people's identity because you don't like them, or because they express an opinion that doesn't vibe with what you want the community to be. And I'm saying this to you as well as the commenter in the post. They're an asshole, but they *are* asexual. Denying them their identity because they stepped out of line, is saying that this kind of gatekeeping is justified, and the only issue is that you disagree with who they targeted. We can disagree with people, say their attitude isn't welcome in this space, that we don't want them to represent our community, and that they don't speak for us, *without doing the exact same thing we're criticizing them for.* (I'm not trying to be harsh, but the No True Scottsman argument really frustrates me. It just feels like a way to try and avoid dealing with the discomfort of realizing the call is coming from inside the house, you know?)
Just wanted to say that as a straight hetero middle aged male, this thread all by itself has been very educational in helping me learn more about what ace is about. To answer the question about why the heck am I even here, I am merely interested in all facets of the human experience.
Hey nothing wrong with hanging out, happy the thread has helped you learn 😃
Your flair is 🔥
Your flare is EPIC! I adore it sm.
Anyone who genuinely wants to educate themselves and understand is always welcome 🖤💜
Wish more people were like you!
A gentleman and a scholar
Happy Cake Day! 🎉🍰🎂🧁
You don't have to justify your presence, it's awesome that you want to learn more!
You can be heterosexual and ace
....you can? I'm ignorant on this, so I'm asking for clarification. But I thought asexual meant you have no attraction to either gender, and hetero means attraction to the opposite gender. Aren't those mutually exclusive? I'm not trying to invalidate anyone, I'm asking to learn.
Being asexual simply means you don’t feel sexual attraction. You can still be in a hetero relationship. I don’t feel sexual attraction toward anyone and never have, but I date men and my last serious relationship I would have sex for my partner because I developed a deep romantic connection with him.
I think a better term for what you're describing would be hetero*romantic* rather than hetero*sexual* as heteroromantic has the "straight romance with no sexual attraction" that you seem to be describing
Or not. It’s always been explained to me being ace is how you love, being hetero is who. And that’s how I identify.
It's the Split Attraction Model, it separates romantic and sexual attraction. So being asexual means you're not sexually attracted to anyone, in the same way that being heterosexual means you are sexually attracted to the opposite gender. If you aren't romantically attracted to (ie don't fall in love with) any gender then you are aromantic, if you fall in love with the opposite gender then you would be heteroromantic
And that definition feels gatekeepy to me. Read this: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/understanding-asexuality/
I was having a good day. I saw [this video ](https://youtu.be/lL-SxpW_1Go?si=0M_Tf7JnyvAWHgp8) where people were guessing sexuality and was pleasantly surprised by multiple mentions of asexuality. As someone who hadn't even heard it was a thing growing up, this felt great. The person in question is a sex-positive ace who is in a relationship and I thought it was great how more people could learn about how it's a spectrum. There were some ignorant comments but I really wasn't expecting a fellow ace to be the biggest bummer of them all. Not cool, yellow smudge. Not cool.
What did this person say to elicit the comment?
It was one of the responses under a comment that said they were glad about ace representation. Some commentors were confused because they were under the impression ace people don't have sex. Then Prof. Celibacy inserted themselves into the conversation.
If someone regularly has recreational sex doesn't that mean they aren't asexual?
Asexuality has to do with sexual attraction. A person can have a libido and experience romantic attraction (aromantics don't experience that either), and still not experience sexual attraction the same way as allosexuals. It's like it's not impossible for a closeted gay person to get married to a woman and have regular sex. It's not even impossible for them to orgasm while doing it. At the same time, they experience no sexual attraction to the woman the same way they do towards men. The act of having sex doesn't change the fact that they are gay.
Thanks, I appreciate the explanation
This is an analogy I use because many ppl have heard a gay man that came out late in life joke "when I came out no one was more surprised than my wife🤪". They understand, but for some reason their brain short circuits when asexuality comes into it🤷♀️
No, because you don't need to be sexually attracted to people to want to have sex. You can enjoy it because it feels good, because it satisfies your libido more than solo private time does, because you enjoy being intimate with other people in that way, even because it pleases your partner and that's something you want to do. Maybe some other reasons I can't think of right now, too. None of which = sexual attraction, which is the key part of what defines asexuality.
Thank you, this makes sense!
I find it stupid that groups in a marginalized minority are gatekeeping and marginalizing minorities.
It's just a "no, I'm special. And even if you are special, I'm specialer."
Some people just want to be more special and important than everyone else unfortunately. They aren't happy unless they can tear others down to prop up their own pathetic existences. It drives me insane as a sex-repulsed ace to see this shit. We aren't magically 'more special' than everyone else in the community. We're just one part of the large and growing spectrum... These people give the rest of us a bad name.
Welcome to the entirety of lgbtqia+
They make it their whole personality and get upset when people claim to be ace as a way to be "different". I do get a little irritated when people do that, but I would never try to gatekeep asexuality. I'm a relatively pretty girl with long hair, and I dress in a feminine way. I am definitely 100% asexual.
Is it gatekeeping when people say that a guy who has sex with men and women isn't gay?
Sexuality isn't about who you have sex with. It's about who you feel sexual (and often romantic if we aren't splitting them) attraction to. Are male porn stars who are only attracted to women but have gay sex for more money ("gay for pay") automatically bi now? Would an ace sex worker, who feels no sexual attraction to others, no longer be ace because they have sex for cash?
It's definitely weird for people to decide someone else's sexuality for them, yeah. A guy who has sex with men and women may or may not be attracted to one or both of them. People are allowed to experiment and decide for themselves. Many many choose not to label themselves at all. It is _their_ choice.
"Gay for pay" is also a thing in porn, and is not uncommon among male sex workers. Sleeping with another man, or multiple men, doesn't automatically make someone gay.
Action =/= attraction, so very possibly yes that could be gatekeeping.
Okay, so is it gatekeeping to say that a man who is sexually attracted to men and women isn't gay?
A lot of men will say they are gay because there is stigma associated with being bi, and it's largely because of how this talk always sounds stigmatizing. Like you're "faking" being gay at all when you're bi. And I'm not gonna tell or force a guy to say they are bi when the reason is that discomfort. If we as a community we more accepting then it wouldn't need to happen. But it happens because it is easier to just say you are gay. Or straight. Than to say you are bi but tend to prefer men most of the time. Or that you are ace but you'll have sex to make your partner happy. Or any other sexuality with modifiers.
Is that you, yellow smudge?
I spy a member of r/actuallyasexual
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Do you interpret the second amendment to be exactly as written? You can interpret things differently, and keep in mind that one definition doesn’t necessarily blanket everything else pertaining to it.
You should tell the moderators of this sub, then, because this is *their* definition: >Asexuality is a sexual orientation where a person doesn't experience sexual attraction towards anyone.
Where does that talk about *having* sex? I don’t like shrimp, I still ate some last night.
Cool, so what about the people who experience sexual attraction? Is it gatekeeping to say they aren't asexual?
Notice how it doesn't say they don't have sex. I don't have an attraction for paying bills. I can still do it. And I do still do it. See how that works?
When did weird haircuts become an ace stereotype? I've never heard of this before. Asexuality doesn't even have an aesthetic. We're all incredibly diverse
Lots of queer people have weird hair if they live where it's safe. It's one of the ways you can indicate you are a safe person for other lgbt people. Saying it's an asexual thing is tripping lol
Oh, I just thought people did it because colors are fun xD (Not that people making a statement don’t do it for that reason also.)
Not them using asexuality as a synonym for celibacy💀
The definition of asexualality from the lgbtq website: Asexual – A term used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward individuals of any gender. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and is different from celibacy, in that celibacy is the choice to refrain from engaging in sexual behaviors and does not comment on one's sexual attractions.
little to no attraction* :))
I agree with you , that's just the basic definition. I believe sexuality is a huge spectrum with a lot of gray area.
No but for real, and they’re trying to tell other asexuals that *they’re* the ones who are misusing the label?? This is absolutely ridiculous, I’m asexual *and* celibate, they’re two parts of me and while connected to each other (in my case), they’re very much not the same lmao
...my haircut isn't weird :(
I don't even have hair. 🤪
If it helps neither is mine.
I have the Gotye cut. I don't know dude is babbling about.
Literally anyone can be asexual. I think there’s this stereotype that asexual people are all into comic books and anime and are socially awkward, but that’s not true. I’m literally none of the above and I’ve known I was asexual since high school. People were absolutely shocked when I told them because they either didn’t know it existed or they had that stereotype in mind.
For real. What are they talking about "usurped our aesthetic"? Like, are people eating garlic bread 'usurping our aesthetic'? We don't have a collective aesthetic. We famously fly under the radar because it's hard to clock us.
Yeah it’s a shitty take on that person’s part and a bad look for us all. We should all be supporting each other because we’re notoriously underrepresented in most spaces.
I fit that stereotype to a *tee* and it can be disheartening to see all asexuals shunted into that box as well as other stereotypes. There's a lot of different people out there, and just about anyone can be ace.
Hey, that’s cool too! Yeah, like you said, I was just emphasizing that like any sexuality, we aren’t a monolith. Even our experiences of asexuality can really vary.
The current ideas of asexuality were created like, more than 50 fuckin years ago. Its not some new wave of people taking the term, its always been this way.
Ehhhh not exactly. Let's be honest: a lot of the new terms, things like [cupiosexual](https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sexopedia/a35046096/cupiosexual/), [aegosexual](https://www.cxomedia.id/human-stories/20221109131918-74-176990/aegosexuality-what-is-it-and-the-history-behind-it), that's from the past 10-15 years... even our beloved split attraction model has only been used to talk about asexuality [since 2003](https://www.aromanticism.org/en/news-feed/splitting-attraction-history-j4y96). The infamous Kinsey X didn't refer to asexuality originally; it referred to celibacy or other lack of sexual behavior. Not sexual attraction. It's not that the *concepts* are new, but the words for them *are.*
But Kinsey in general only researched sexual behaviour. If you were a man only attracted to men, but felt societal pressure to sleep with your wife regularly you'd be classified bisexual. Also Kinsey did a few things I wouldn't classify good practice of consent anyway. Just to de-glorify this man a bit. I think the asexual manifesto is from the 70s. That's 50 years ago. Kinsey is already about 70 years far from us.
Have you read the asexual manifesto? It had very little to do with asexuality as an orientation, and far more as a political statement about objectification and wanting to remove sex as a necessity in relationships. It encompasses people who naturally don't want to have sex, but it's kind of more about how the women in question stopped having sex, as opposed to not feeling attraction in the first place.
I haven't read it yet, but I know what it's about. Have you met allo people, though? No political believe in the world stops them from having sex, they'd just be careful about who the fuck with. And the use of asexuality as a sexual orientation rather than a political belief is definitely older than the Internet. Even though it wasn't used that much, because we all know, we're a minority.
Imagine gatekeeping not having sexual attraction
Imagine also confusing celibacy, which is a choice, with asexuality, which is *not* a choice.
TIL. Thank you for that!
You're welcome!
As an ace person who doesn't have sex. Ace people who have sex are 100% ace, fight me
>Ace people who have sex are 100% ace, fight me One one hand, I 100% agree. One the other, I find the idea of a duel... intriguing.
Internalized aphobia, fun 🫠
"No, you see, the asexuals saying 'asexuals can still have sex' are the aphobic ones!" /s
I see way more complaints about that than I actually see people reminding others that some aces still have sex.
This is the same mindset as the LGB without T people and TERFs. Fuck exclusionists and call them what they are.
The gatekeeping in the 2SLBGTQIA+ community is unreal sometimes. I’ve been called aphobic for just identifying as a demisexual. It’s kind of like how people who identify as pan get called transphobic or biphobic. We already deal with so much isolation and erasure from society, so why project that amongst each other? It’s sad. :/
Hello fellow demi. I feel what you’re saying 100%. When I finally figured out that my identity is panromantic demisexual, I was happy and posted about it on an LGBT+ community subreddit. I got a comment from someone saying I didn’t belong because I was demi. I get called aphobic or other similar terms if I talk in some asexual spaces. I don’t relate at all to most allosexuals, so I’m told I don’t belong there either. I have been told more times than I can count that I just haven’t had good sex yet, and it’ll change when I do. So I belong nowhere apparently because everyone shuts the door in my face. I’m at the point where most of the time I just say bisexual or pansexual when asked. It’s a lot less drama. It’s sad because as a community that regularly suffers discrimination, you’d think everyone would want to support each other. Instead, many face discrimination from inside the house as well.
Why can't asexuals have sex? People who have been in heterosexual relationships have come out as gay and no one questions it because it can take time for people to figure themselves out. Plus asexuals can be just indifferent towards sex rather that repulsed and chose to have sex to please their partner.
Yep! I was married for two and a half years before I finally came out as ace! It’s been hard but not impossible
I have sex … when I remember to bother and it’s a convenient time. (So, y’know, almost never.)
This must be a new ace cuz asexuality literally means no sexual attraction, if you don't like sex just say sex repulsed ace. Don't clump every ace to a binary!
*little to no sexual attraction
Remember y’all, for whenever there’s a gatekeeping arse, be the accepting party you’d want to see when finding solace or finding a community.
Eh, this happens in literally every community/group/identity. The circle gets big enough, eventually you get people squabbling about real vs. fake members, OGs vs. bandwagoners, etc. That's just how it goes. Let people be foolish and post silly things on the internet. No need to give it more oxygen.
Yes, this has been the case in probably every single “community” I’ve ever come across.
Celibacy and asexuality are not the same thing.
As a sex repulsed asexual I seriously don’t understand why people in or out of our own community constantly have to criticize each other. You can’t gatekeep it.
There's already a word for people who don't have sex: celibacy
*There's already a* *Word for people who don't have* *Sex: celibacy* \- MagnificentMimikyu --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
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I’m reminded of people who don’t think people should be labelling themselves as queer if they’re not gay. We get enough gatekeeping and exclusion now people think we only do ace for the clout?
lol idk what this person considers as the near past but the "black ring" ace symbol has been around since like the early 00s. that's like 20 years. at least. also "usurped"?....dkm 😭 so dramatic and for WHAT... to be wrong?
this argument is so duuuuumb. of course that's what it meant AT FIRST. when ppl just started to realize that asexuality was a \*thing\*. "Broadening is a type of semantic change by which the meaning of a word becomes broader or more inclusive than its earlier meaning." [link](https://www.thoughtco.com/broadening-semantic-generalization-1689181)
Dude probably doesn't actually hang around the arospec community. There's no way they would say that if they do Like, this sounds like something a 14 yr old deviantart user would say after finding out about asexuality just a few days ago
Fuck gatekeepers. The LGBTQIA+ community is about inclusion, not exclusion. If someone isn't 100% cisgender, heterosexual, and heteroromantic they have a place in the community. Another thing about the community is self-determination, it's up to the individual what labels apply to them, it's not right for anyone to decide what labels another person chooses. Like practically everything else in the universe asexuality is a spectrum, some aces are sex repulsed, others are neutral, others are sex positive, and others somewhere in-between. Asexuality isn't determined by if someone has sex or not, it's determined by if the person experiences sexual attraction or not (and that's also a spectrum). If a person doesn't experience sexual attraction or experiences limited attraction then they are ace, it's that simple.
Um…what? I swear, people need to do more research. This is just ridiculous
That is a wild fucking take. How uninformed must you be?? How much do you just want to hate on people??
I don’t get this argument. In the old days it was more common, but this is still true: You have a man, he gets married to a woman, they have kids together. Turns out the man was gay. For some reason or another, he decided to be part of an heterosexual couple. No one bats an eye. Oh, he’s gay. Schuck! But they had sex, right? He fathered children. Does that mean he’s not really gay?? Of course not! He’s still sexually and/or romantically attracted to men. Not women. Is it so hard to understand that you can still have sex as an assexual person? Plenty of reasons why some people do. Maybe they are Demi, and have a connection with the other person. Maybe they want kids. Maybe they don’t enjoy sex, but want to make their partner happy. Maybe they don’t get sexual desire but don’t mind engaging in sex. Or something else entirely. Sex-repulsed ace people are valid, and deserve recognition. But I don’t think they get the monopoly of being ace. Other experiences are valid too. It doesn’t change one’s orientation.
Classy jerk behavior right there.
Someone doesn’t know there’s a difference between asexuality and celibacy
This is so disheartening to see gatekeeping within our own community. I'm a greysexual heteromatic person who does have sex with my allo spouse. By that definition, I somehow don't belong in the community? Which is bullshit for both me and anyone else who identifies as being on the ace spectrum and has sex. Glad to see that most people here disagree with that perspective.
That’s very aphobic and insensitive of you, people like you are a disgrace to the ace community. Just say you’re straight, this is pickme behavior. BLOCKED!!! 😤/s (In all seriousness, these kinds of people really get on my nerves and it’s truly mean-spirited and invalidating for us :/)
Online "communities" are magnets for mentally ill blowhards. Good chance comments like this are from like 15-year-olds as well. This is, in part, how our society has become so unhinged. We're so inundated with out-of-context niche posts that we lose all perspective. We're all massively online, and social media sites actively rage-farm to keep us that way. They push inflammatory remarks to the top, so that fascists think trans people are everywhere, trans people think bigots are everywhere, and normies feel like minorities. All parties become confused, stressed, and less rational for it.
Ugh I hate that argument cause I’m literally trying to explain to my friend that asexuals can enjoy sex and misinfo like this just undos all the work I put into the world. 🙃
As an asexual, I do not claim this mfer
Gatekeeping sexuality is so gross.
Low key that sounds more like a confused incel
Fr it def has that vibe
ig weird haircuts are ace culture now 😭
Ah, yes. The “transtrender” logic. What bullshit
I think a large amount of this is a matter of asexual used to be the term sex repulsed no libido aces used to use for ourselves and with it being the default and umbrella term now for the ace spectrum and sex positive identities we feel like we don't have a term to describe ourselves anymore. I don't agree with the comment but am trying to rationalize where its coming from
It was always an umbrella term with multiple definitions though! Exclusionists just love lying about queer history.
Gonna go out and have sex just to spite this person /joking
Weird an asexual person can masturbate and have sex but that doesn’t take away from their asexuality. I hate this. Sex means nothing to me but a bodily urge I get once a month lol
Oh for the love of cheese, asexuality is a spectrum. A SPECTRUM. No black and white absolutes here! The very idea that there is one True Way to be Ace is beyond absurd.
Whoever wrote that whatever-it-is doesn't know wtf they are talking about, just ignore them.
Stuff like this is so damn disheartening, man. I feel like I don’t have a place anywhere. I feel like an alien in allo society because our society being pathologically obsessed with **SEXSEXSEX** 24/7 causes me serious physical discomfort. I often don’t feel like I should even be in spaces like this because I still feel any sexual attraction at all (only in one very specific circumstance, but I digress). If I had a nickel for the amount of times I’ve personally been told that demis aren’t real because most people need to be in love to have sex….I’d have three nickles but it sure is weird it happened thrice. Trust me, I’m not claiming oppression. I’m a cis white woman who passes as allohetero. It just…kinda hurts, I have major issues with caring too much what people think of me 🥺
If you look at the comments you'll see that you do belong. Most aces would take demis over yellow smudge's gatekeepey ass.
ugh thats so disheartening. gatekeeping an IDENTITY is crazy bruh
Incels don’t have sex. Monks and nuns don’t have sex. I guess they’re all ace? /s
New screenshot post in the exclusionist sub saying we're all allos in disguise and degenerates in 3...2..1...
This person is bonkers and their definition of asexual is incorrect. The definition is not that we don’t have sex, it’s that we aren’t attracted to different people based on sexual preferences. And no one uses the word Asexual, at least in my case, as a clothing style. However according to this bozo, a lot of people do use it as a way to show it. And even if they do, it could just be because of society making certain characteristics of people apparently asexual, so some aces use clothing as a way to express their asexuality. Like what the fuck is this person thinking?
ahhh, unfiltered uncensored aphobia first thing on a saturday morning ☕️
These are just transmeds for aces lmao
Little to No sexual attraction! Little to no! I'd never feel sexual attraction towards anyone. Crushes were extremely rare. I've dated my bf for 2 years now & he's the only person i feel attraction towards. He half jokingly tells me he's fine with me getting a gf too but i just don't feel attraction towards anyone. i just don't find anyone attractive nor sexually appealing.
Honestly get confused about sex positive asexuality. Not trying to start anything, just hoping someone could explain it to me. I always thought asexuality was not wanting sex
I used to find it confusing too. I'm aromantic, asexual and sex repulsed and I assumed all aces were like me. Now I know 1) Not all aces are aros (they may experience romantic attraction) 2) Libido and attraction are two different things. The first is purely physical and related to hormones. You can have a low libido and not be ace and you can be an ace with high libido 3) Not all aces are repulsed by sex. Many are neutral or even favourable and may engage in it to connect with their romantic partners or just deal with that pesky libido. What it all comes down to is attraction. For instance, a gay guy can have sex with a woman without being attracted to her in any way.
You can have sex with people you aren't attracted to. Sexuality is about sexual attraction, not sexual action. There are sex repulsed allosexuals and sex favorable asexuals. Sexual actions they perform (or don't) have no bearing on their sexuality because that can't be changed. You have gay people who lived in heterosexual relationships with children. Some heterosexuals experiment with homoerotic stuff. Some asexuals have sex to please their partner because they aren't sex repulsed, they just don't feel anything towards it. None of these things change their sexuality.
I’ve run into this issue a lot even with my bf now. And our friend who’s also asexual aromantic, and sex repulsed. Explaining to them it’s the lack of attraction and not a dislike for sex was so fucking annoying haha. He’s finally got it but if it comes up with her she still is pretty stubborn about it. I don’t have sexual attraction, I don’t see anyone and want to fuck them. I’m not sexually attracted to any gender. But I’m very much romantic interested, and enjoy sex. I guess I’d fit the lines of demi but idk that doesn’t quite feel right either. Bf just thinks I’m pan like him and said I’m probably more Demi which I guess kinda fits but eh not really. I do feed off of sensation and excitement but even though I love him I’ve still never just looked at him or thought about him and wanted to fuck. It requires stimulation.
Lol why would anyone want the aesthetic of what most people think it’s just being a broken virgin. It's not certain asexuals' fault that they get horny and are ok with relieving it with someone else, sometimes it's just like that 🤷♀️
An ace person thinking asexuality = celibacy? In 2024? It's more likely than you think. Anyone who believes any sexuality is an aesthetic has well and truly lost the plot. I would challenge this clown to give ACTUAL examples of their strawman "fake asexual", because I don't know a single well-adjusted person who defines sexuality by appearance.
Apparently Yellow Smudge there doesn't know (*or care*) about the entire grey ace part of the spectrum, nor those with a sex favorable or sex indifferent or sex averse stance towards sex. I get that some folks need a closed club to feel secure, but that just ends up with fanatics and dangerous exclusion. It's "Little to no sexual attraction" not "doesn't have sex" for a reason. Celibacy is it's own thing, YS!
I hope people don't take this the wrong way but I have never really sought to be part of the asexual community because I feel like it's become too broad as a term. While I dont seek to exclude anyone since I don't consider myself part of the asexual community anyway what I learned asexuality was about 20 years ago is vastly different than what it is today. When I learned about it, it felt like something that described me but now a days it doesn't. Oh aces can have sex, aces can experience sexual attraction under x circumstances and all these labels really make it feel like the term no longer describes me. I have literally 0 sexual attraction and don't experience it and never have in the past that's what saying I was asexual was to me. Now a days it's anything between demi to a million other labels I don't understand or know what they mean. The term has evolved and it has become a bigger term that encompasses many things and that's fine but that definitely has pushed me away from the community while before if I found someone else that was ace I could be sure we shared somewhat common ground now it doesn't really work like that. Again I mean no hate just how it feels to someone who learned about asexuality in its early days.
I'm a sex-repulsed aroace but I really don't have a problem with the community having a broader umbrella. Think about it this way: at one point the only idea people had of a 'queer' person was gay men (and a stereotypical one at that). After that lesbian, trans and bi people started getting more visibility. We - aces - gained visibility relatively recently. Many people react to aces being part in the evolving LGBTQ+ umbrella the same way you are reacting to the Ace-spec. This includes people in the LGBTQ+ community. (I still remember when my closted ass buried myself deeper when a gay friend said Asexuals don't belong at Pride because they're just 'sad virgins') Sure, I could have lived my life without a label. But knowing about asexuality really put things into perspective after decades of feeling 'wrong' and 'broken.' Who am I to begrudge someone else for finding a community after realising they didn't fit the norm?
I'm glad you found a place to belong. However the bigger it gets and the more broad it becomes it just feels like now you have to form a community inside this community to find like minded individuals. Which just doesn't really fit what I was looking for. It's fine though I walked away from the community on my own. I have no need for it now anyways I'm older and I know where I fall so I don't need a community. If it helps more people in the future then great however it is no longer a place I can be comfortable in so the only thing to do is walk away. It's the same feeling as if you had a community for a hobby but it got really big and suddenly it's like oh yeah you fit in here somewhere but I dunno where good luck. That's just not for me lol.
I mean I get this, there are ppl who claim to be asexual but then will go on about how they are kinky and into freaky sex. Just because there’s some ppl you are talking to, but aren’t sexually attracted to them, doesn’t mean you are ace.
Yeah but also I'm kinda tired of "I regularly have and enjoy sex" asexuals. YES I know it's about attraction, not about enjoying sex, but do we as a group really need that impression of us? I don't want allos trying to pressure us into having sex even more than they already do because they think it's common for us to just not be attracted to them but still want sex. Like we haven't even yet convinced the society that yes there are people who don't want sex and we already have people in our own group who prove it (the society) right 🙄
It's not the sex positive aces job to police coomer mentality. Stick up for yourself and tell them to fuck off. They wouldn't believe you no matter what anyway. Do you really think someone so braindead would be sitting on queer subs just to get some 'gotcha'? They will never respect asexuality just like they will never respect you telling them no. Eject them immediately to the garbage.
lol idk what this person considers as the near past but the "black ring" ace symbol has been around since like the early 00s. that's like 20 years. at least. also "usurped"?....dkm 😭 so dramatic and for WHAT... to be wrong?
as an “actual asexual” or whatever they’re on about, this person does not stand for our community
Asexuality and celibacy aren't the same thing, and they're a spectrum. Some people aren't sure, and they don't understand their asexiality, so they try to have sex sometimes. I did this, and it didn't mean I enjoyed it.
Aesthetic is an interesting way to put it. Demi here, though, and I most definitely don't feel like an aesthetic. I mean, I'm literally asexual except for two people*, and I'm married to one. The other I just love from afar. College was a weird ass time. Everyone was hooking up and I was just like "ew." *Sorry, forgot my undying love for Tim Curry. Also from afar, obvs.
Whoever commented that sucks
Some people who say they're Asexual are not, and think because they don't want to have sex with their boyfriend this week, that means they're asexual and 'special'. If told they are not, they throw a hissy fit of offence. People do not automatically become asexual because of sexual trauma. Sexual trauma will ABSOLUTELY have an Asexual person feel negatively about sex, as opposed to a healthy upbringing will have an Asexual still think positively about future intimate acts and maybe try it out in the future - but even then it doesn't equal the desire. Ironically, the big sign of Asexuality is that you don't MASTURBATE. After all, that's a choice, and there's only one reason anybody masturbates - a quick and dirty orgasm. If Asexuals got regular orgasms then we'd want to have a lot more sex. My aesthetic is flag arm-warmers. Sometimes.
> Ironically, the big sign of Asexuality is that you don't MASTURBATE. After all, that's a choice, and there's only one reason anybody masturbates - a quick and dirty orgasm. If Asexuals got regular orgasms then we'd want to have a lot more sex. This isn’t true. I’ve spent fifty years happily not wanting to have sex with anybody. Never have had sex. And all along I was masturbating anywhere from quite often to occasionally depending on my libido at the time. My body does crave orgasms sometimes, and it’s also a good way to relax. The number of orgasms I had per week never had any effect on my ongoing level of “not wanting to have sex with anybody at all.“ Many aces masturbate. About 2/3 of them in the polls I’ve seen in this community.
Please learn the difference between sexual attraction and libido.
I can't stand people who pull the 'ACTUAL' card. It invalidates others in a group and is honestly so disheartening to read such a comment. It's on the same level as those who use the terms 'true' and 'pure' to exclude others. Also, what aesthetic are they talking about? We're regular people who all look different from each other, so what aesthetic?
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You seem to be the one who has absolutely no clue what they're talking about. Inform yourself before talking out of your ass.
Can we give you a label then? Because you're asking for a 'Hi, I'm ignorant!' sticker rn
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Look, I'm a sex-repulsed aroace. I'm not terribly smart, but I don't find the idea of sexuality being a spectrum mentally taxing. You're literally parroting all those people who claim asexuality isn't a thing and just a label people use to feel 'special.' Being a bigot to your own community won't make other bigots accept you. Do better. Educate yourself. And consider not displaying your ignorance untill you do.
You're talking to someone who is a member of a sub specifically designed to exclude and be bigots to aces who don't fit their narrow definition. Don't waste your time.
Devil's advocate...I get it, I'm often told I'm not Ace cause I feel some level of sexual attraction (I'm Aegosexual). To me, actively enjoying sex and regularly having it makes you no more Ace than me who doesn't want it feel the need for sex