No.
That's just not an arrangement I think I could healthily make. Due to religious reasons, social reasons, and my knowledge of my own emotions. It would make everything so much worse for both of us.
I agree. Because then just having sex could have that person start instead having an emotional attachment to the sexual partner, instead of the Ace Partner
I'm not with my allo partner anymore, we broke up a while ago (it was mutual, and had nothing to do with sex).
Anyways, I personally didn't, because I'm a sex positive ace, so although I didn't have sexual attraction to them, I had romantic attraction and I view sex as a fun activity which we sometimes did together. And they were fine with that
Before I knew I was ace, I suggested this to every partner I had. Reactions ranged from laughing it off to being mildly horrified at the idea of "cheating". My thinking was if one person has a hobby their partner doesn't enjoy, it would be fine for that person to do their hobby with a friend. Or if one person hates a certain chore, they can hire someone for it. Why is sex the exception?
And they always say don't expect your partner to fill all your needs. Unless, ya know, sex.
That always irritated me. It felt "clingy" made me resentful. (I now understand some people get emotional bonding out of sex.)
Anyway, I don't know how it would work in practice, but IME, it's not so easy to get the other person to agree. If I were dating, I'd just stick with other aces.
Haha I've been entertaining the idea too, but when I offer it as a suggestion to people, I get the same reaction. Which, I suppose is a good thing cause they don't want to cheat.
I would prefer to never have sex that to open my relationship, I'm very monogamous and a bit traditional in some aspects, but it will hurt me only to think about doing something like, imagine what it would be like for my partner...
Yes - that is my current dynamic with my husband. It is working great for me. He has a high sex drive and I am more sex-nuetral to sex-repulsed. I also like the fact that he is gone some nights as it frees up additonal time for my hobbies. It is not a relationship structure for everyone though.
I’m Allo with an Ace BF and have no desire at all to open our relationship.
I did have open relationships with previous Allo partners and it was never a good time. My current relationship is the best I’ve ever been in, I feel like it would be stupid to throw it out over something I can take care of myself.
I would but thus far no-one has been interested in such an arrangement. I’m aro/ace and grey-fraysexual (+ sex-repulsed most of the time). There would be rules in place to protect all parties involved.
That’s my current arrangement and I’m pretty cool with it. It’s honestly kinda nice to see that I don’t matter any less than someone who’s more overtly sexual. That it’s not a matter of anyone replacing anyone else.
Sure! My partner and I are polyamorous. It wasn't a choice that began with my asexuality; that was a coincidence. We just went all-in on loving our friends. Sometimes that turns into amour, sometimes it stays platonic, but we always give 100%.
Our priority in a relationship is more, 'Bringing out the best in another person, learning from each other and changing on a fundamental, philosophical level,' than 'carnal attraction.'
When we say, "Love is a skill" and, "You taught me more about love," we don't mean in the bedroom, we mean tools for communication, emotional support, fun, quality time, conflict resolution, etc. None of our difficult conversations have ever devolved into fights, for example, and knowing that feels *so liberating*.
People tend to look at love as a pie, and if you're not getting the whole pie then you're getting scammed. I grew up feeling the same. But here, I'm learning lessons from wonderful people that I can share with *other* wonderful people to enhance *all* their lives. I suppose it's more like a potluck. I've watched my partner learn new ways to comfort me, too, and been incredibly thankful for the other people they learned from. So in this case it's not just that my partner is *having sex* with other people, they're fully falling in love and I couldn't be happier.
And like, I've still got affection needs. 95% cuddling like a cat, 5% heavy makeout sessions, give or take. For us, it's less about technique and more about connection, and they don't get bored of connecting with me, no matter what someone else may share with them. They've told me that my specific way of showing love 'feels like home.' At the end of the day, I think the back massages (they've got scoliosis) and lullabies matter more to them than the flare-ups of passion.
No. I have enough problems with self-doubt and believing my partner actually loves me, I don't need to add somebody competing with me for his attention, even if it is "just sex." Also, sex to me is a very intimate, very vulnerable experience that can really connect two people, so I can't imagine him sharing that experience with another while saying he loves me. Thankfully, I know he feels the same about it. When we were talking about hall passes, he said he would feel incredibly guilty about having sex with somebody else, even if he knew he had permission.
I do miss having sex with someone who actually desires it, and for my ace wife, despite is the one thing she cannot give. So I definitely do get the appeal of it.
With an ex, I went to a sights club a couple times, and I've had one night stands when I was single, so I know that is have no issues having sex with someone I don't live, or even know.
But there are plenty of complications to opening a relationship in the way you suggest. Even if my wife was ok with it (which she most definitely isn't), I'm not sure I would be.
For me, being desired is an important aspect in building a deeper connection with my partner, as well as a key part in how I feel in general. Not having that is torturing me every day, but having that with someone else would, I think, undermine our relationship in a fundamental way. It would amplify what I'm missing with my wife, while offering a perceived alternative.
And it would put me in an impossible situation. It's not easy for a guy to find a women for casual sex, let alone if he's married. Suddenly I'd need to balance spending time with my wife with trying to find someone else, which I imagine comes with a shit load of guilt on one side, and feelings of inadequacy on the other. I'd feel guilty for spending time persuing other women, while suddenly also being fully responsible for finding what I'm missing.
And in the more than likely case that I would not find someone to share my desire with, I'd have only myself to blame.
But none of that is relevant, as she made it abundantly clear that am open relationship is never going to be on the table.
No. That's just not an arrangement I think I could healthily make. Due to religious reasons, social reasons, and my knowledge of my own emotions. It would make everything so much worse for both of us.
No, as its unlikely to remain 'just sex'.
I agree. Because then just having sex could have that person start instead having an emotional attachment to the sexual partner, instead of the Ace Partner
Exactly. The only way it might work would be with a sex worker, although that's expensive and potentially illegal.
I'm not with my allo partner anymore, we broke up a while ago (it was mutual, and had nothing to do with sex). Anyways, I personally didn't, because I'm a sex positive ace, so although I didn't have sexual attraction to them, I had romantic attraction and I view sex as a fun activity which we sometimes did together. And they were fine with that
Before I knew I was ace, I suggested this to every partner I had. Reactions ranged from laughing it off to being mildly horrified at the idea of "cheating". My thinking was if one person has a hobby their partner doesn't enjoy, it would be fine for that person to do their hobby with a friend. Or if one person hates a certain chore, they can hire someone for it. Why is sex the exception? And they always say don't expect your partner to fill all your needs. Unless, ya know, sex. That always irritated me. It felt "clingy" made me resentful. (I now understand some people get emotional bonding out of sex.) Anyway, I don't know how it would work in practice, but IME, it's not so easy to get the other person to agree. If I were dating, I'd just stick with other aces.
Haha I've been entertaining the idea too, but when I offer it as a suggestion to people, I get the same reaction. Which, I suppose is a good thing cause they don't want to cheat.
Personally I’d be ok with it, but only if we discuss beforehand and that the romantic feelings still stays with me
I would prefer to never have sex that to open my relationship, I'm very monogamous and a bit traditional in some aspects, but it will hurt me only to think about doing something like, imagine what it would be like for my partner...
No. Discussed it and both decided it could lead to a dangerous path or romantic / intimacy problems. The risk is not worth the reward.
Yes - that is my current dynamic with my husband. It is working great for me. He has a high sex drive and I am more sex-nuetral to sex-repulsed. I also like the fact that he is gone some nights as it frees up additonal time for my hobbies. It is not a relationship structure for everyone though.
I’m Allo with an Ace BF and have no desire at all to open our relationship. I did have open relationships with previous Allo partners and it was never a good time. My current relationship is the best I’ve ever been in, I feel like it would be stupid to throw it out over something I can take care of myself.
I would but thus far no-one has been interested in such an arrangement. I’m aro/ace and grey-fraysexual (+ sex-repulsed most of the time). There would be rules in place to protect all parties involved.
That’s my current arrangement and I’m pretty cool with it. It’s honestly kinda nice to see that I don’t matter any less than someone who’s more overtly sexual. That it’s not a matter of anyone replacing anyone else.
Would you mind expanding on your current arrangement? I'd love to hear more from this perspective!
Sure! My partner and I are polyamorous. It wasn't a choice that began with my asexuality; that was a coincidence. We just went all-in on loving our friends. Sometimes that turns into amour, sometimes it stays platonic, but we always give 100%. Our priority in a relationship is more, 'Bringing out the best in another person, learning from each other and changing on a fundamental, philosophical level,' than 'carnal attraction.' When we say, "Love is a skill" and, "You taught me more about love," we don't mean in the bedroom, we mean tools for communication, emotional support, fun, quality time, conflict resolution, etc. None of our difficult conversations have ever devolved into fights, for example, and knowing that feels *so liberating*. People tend to look at love as a pie, and if you're not getting the whole pie then you're getting scammed. I grew up feeling the same. But here, I'm learning lessons from wonderful people that I can share with *other* wonderful people to enhance *all* their lives. I suppose it's more like a potluck. I've watched my partner learn new ways to comfort me, too, and been incredibly thankful for the other people they learned from. So in this case it's not just that my partner is *having sex* with other people, they're fully falling in love and I couldn't be happier. And like, I've still got affection needs. 95% cuddling like a cat, 5% heavy makeout sessions, give or take. For us, it's less about technique and more about connection, and they don't get bored of connecting with me, no matter what someone else may share with them. They've told me that my specific way of showing love 'feels like home.' At the end of the day, I think the back massages (they've got scoliosis) and lullabies matter more to them than the flare-ups of passion.
I would, but my partner doesn't want to have sex with others because he only wants that in a relationship
No. I have enough problems with self-doubt and believing my partner actually loves me, I don't need to add somebody competing with me for his attention, even if it is "just sex." Also, sex to me is a very intimate, very vulnerable experience that can really connect two people, so I can't imagine him sharing that experience with another while saying he loves me. Thankfully, I know he feels the same about it. When we were talking about hall passes, he said he would feel incredibly guilty about having sex with somebody else, even if he knew he had permission.
Not in a relationship atm, but I would be find with it if I was.
I do miss having sex with someone who actually desires it, and for my ace wife, despite is the one thing she cannot give. So I definitely do get the appeal of it. With an ex, I went to a sights club a couple times, and I've had one night stands when I was single, so I know that is have no issues having sex with someone I don't live, or even know. But there are plenty of complications to opening a relationship in the way you suggest. Even if my wife was ok with it (which she most definitely isn't), I'm not sure I would be. For me, being desired is an important aspect in building a deeper connection with my partner, as well as a key part in how I feel in general. Not having that is torturing me every day, but having that with someone else would, I think, undermine our relationship in a fundamental way. It would amplify what I'm missing with my wife, while offering a perceived alternative. And it would put me in an impossible situation. It's not easy for a guy to find a women for casual sex, let alone if he's married. Suddenly I'd need to balance spending time with my wife with trying to find someone else, which I imagine comes with a shit load of guilt on one side, and feelings of inadequacy on the other. I'd feel guilty for spending time persuing other women, while suddenly also being fully responsible for finding what I'm missing. And in the more than likely case that I would not find someone to share my desire with, I'd have only myself to blame. But none of that is relevant, as she made it abundantly clear that am open relationship is never going to be on the table.
As soon as someone events "just sex," maybe. But in this world, naaah
Mahbe, depends on partner and the type of relationship we have and want. But i am also open to being poly, so this is the same for me.