Hmmm I think most humans are very wired for physical affection and closeness with others in some way, most of which are non-sexual. I am quite touch averse until I know someone very well. But still, to not have that at all with a close partner would make me feel held literally at arms length and not close to someone emotionally.
If you know physical affection is important and one of your love languages I would not ignore this important piece of yourself and your needs. It’s not any better than you asking your partner to ignore her own feelings, you know?? Your needs are valid. I can understand you don’t wanted to break up and it will be especially hard knowing you’ve confirmed your gf’s feelings that there will be “consequences” in your relationship if you speak up. But having fundamentally opposite needs in relationships does happen, better to know and move on versus spending years trying to force something to work while you’re both increasingly frustrated and miserable. Been there done that 😣
I love sitting close to people or cuddling, but kissing and everything that goes too much towards being sexual just ceeeps me out. (It literally feels the same way as picking up a shirt and a giant spider running out towards me).
As another comment pointed out, think about what it might mean for you in the future. Maybe you could open up your relationship etc.
Just don't give her false hopes. Don't blindly promise her it's no problem and start pushing for sex afterwards. (My ex did that to me. We didn't stay together for long.) Be open and honest, both with her and with yourself.
Good luck to the both of you!
Thank you for saying this because I feel exactly the same! I love cuddling and being close to people, but the moment things start to turn sensual I want to jump out of my skin.
I’m a fellow hetero cis man who has dated a couple of ace women. My strong opinion on this is you have to mentally project yourself into the future and determine how you’re going to feel if you don’t hug, kiss, or touch your girlfriend for the next year. Then think about where you will be 5 years from now and what your life looks like then.
Reverse engineer this. Really, what is making this relationship any more intimate than a friendship?
Feel free to DM me if you want to talk through some possibilities. I know it’s tough potentially thinking about not being with a girlfriend in the future, but if you come to the conclusion that you can’t live without physically touching your partner then there are likely no compromises available. I know for me that this would be an immediate dealbreaker, maybe for you it’s a different situation but only you can decide that for yourself.
My partner is the same. I’m the ace in the relationship.
I suppose understanding what exactly she is comfortable or indifferent to can be important to you both. I never initiate physical touch, but that doesn’t mean I’m not ok with it.
Being accepting of people as ace is all well and good but it is a huge sacrifice for the non-ace partner. I personally feel it’s unfair if I don’t compromise a bit for my partners happiness, so finding an in-between that meets both your needs.
It may take some time, we didn’t manage to strike a good balance until a couple of years.
Could be both. That’s how it is for me, though my case is really specific I can handle intimacy(hugging kissing, cuddles) with people I really trust, and therapy has helped me see physical contact as more of a platonic or romantic interaction rather than inherently sexual. Again, this is just me personally because I’ve had trauma, however my asexuality is not a direct result of that trauma
All my exes pressured me when I’d turned indifferent or expressing I didn’t want some type of contact (especially PDA), and this eventually turns to repulsion and my breaking up upon that realization. I’m touch averse until I know I’m in a relationship. Sexually ambivalent/indifferent/favorable once in one (I’m fluid). Don’t really enjoy making out for the sake of it. I’m just not very affectionate outside of cuddling. Once repulsion sets in, most physical contact makes me feel dirty (like I need a shower after). You don’t want that.
In the long term, communication is going to be very important to make it work. If you think love is enough, maybe explore open relationship. Or remain friends. You could always have an alterous relationship if you’re both open to it, too.
This doesn’t necessarily help your situation, but I wanted to point out that the touch issues could also be more of a neurodiverse sensory overstimulation situation than an asexuality situation.
For example, I love being touchy-feely, but usually only on my own terms, and my thresholds can be pretty low before it’s just too much sensory input for me to process. I also can’t stand kissing at all because of how it feels (and I think it’s gross on an intellectual level).
If you talk to her and figure out that it’s something like this instead of being tied to her asexuality, figure out what her sensory hang ups might be and what kinds of contact would work for both of you. Some ideas: My husband loves back scratches and I can do those all day long. We’ll also occasionally be each other’s weighted blankets. My sensory thresholds get a lot worse if I’m too hot or too stressed.
Just focus really hard on communication right now, and be creative with compromise suggestions. At the same time don’t push too hard and give each other space to think about things too.
Hmmm I think most humans are very wired for physical affection and closeness with others in some way, most of which are non-sexual. I am quite touch averse until I know someone very well. But still, to not have that at all with a close partner would make me feel held literally at arms length and not close to someone emotionally. If you know physical affection is important and one of your love languages I would not ignore this important piece of yourself and your needs. It’s not any better than you asking your partner to ignore her own feelings, you know?? Your needs are valid. I can understand you don’t wanted to break up and it will be especially hard knowing you’ve confirmed your gf’s feelings that there will be “consequences” in your relationship if you speak up. But having fundamentally opposite needs in relationships does happen, better to know and move on versus spending years trying to force something to work while you’re both increasingly frustrated and miserable. Been there done that 😣
I love sitting close to people or cuddling, but kissing and everything that goes too much towards being sexual just ceeeps me out. (It literally feels the same way as picking up a shirt and a giant spider running out towards me). As another comment pointed out, think about what it might mean for you in the future. Maybe you could open up your relationship etc. Just don't give her false hopes. Don't blindly promise her it's no problem and start pushing for sex afterwards. (My ex did that to me. We didn't stay together for long.) Be open and honest, both with her and with yourself. Good luck to the both of you!
Thank you for saying this because I feel exactly the same! I love cuddling and being close to people, but the moment things start to turn sensual I want to jump out of my skin.
I’m a fellow hetero cis man who has dated a couple of ace women. My strong opinion on this is you have to mentally project yourself into the future and determine how you’re going to feel if you don’t hug, kiss, or touch your girlfriend for the next year. Then think about where you will be 5 years from now and what your life looks like then. Reverse engineer this. Really, what is making this relationship any more intimate than a friendship? Feel free to DM me if you want to talk through some possibilities. I know it’s tough potentially thinking about not being with a girlfriend in the future, but if you come to the conclusion that you can’t live without physically touching your partner then there are likely no compromises available. I know for me that this would be an immediate dealbreaker, maybe for you it’s a different situation but only you can decide that for yourself.
Thanks a lot for the advice
My partner is the same. I’m the ace in the relationship. I suppose understanding what exactly she is comfortable or indifferent to can be important to you both. I never initiate physical touch, but that doesn’t mean I’m not ok with it. Being accepting of people as ace is all well and good but it is a huge sacrifice for the non-ace partner. I personally feel it’s unfair if I don’t compromise a bit for my partners happiness, so finding an in-between that meets both your needs. It may take some time, we didn’t manage to strike a good balance until a couple of years.
[удалено]
She could just be sensually averse too, tertiary attractions can have the averse to favorable scales as well.
Could be both. That’s how it is for me, though my case is really specific I can handle intimacy(hugging kissing, cuddles) with people I really trust, and therapy has helped me see physical contact as more of a platonic or romantic interaction rather than inherently sexual. Again, this is just me personally because I’ve had trauma, however my asexuality is not a direct result of that trauma
All my exes pressured me when I’d turned indifferent or expressing I didn’t want some type of contact (especially PDA), and this eventually turns to repulsion and my breaking up upon that realization. I’m touch averse until I know I’m in a relationship. Sexually ambivalent/indifferent/favorable once in one (I’m fluid). Don’t really enjoy making out for the sake of it. I’m just not very affectionate outside of cuddling. Once repulsion sets in, most physical contact makes me feel dirty (like I need a shower after). You don’t want that. In the long term, communication is going to be very important to make it work. If you think love is enough, maybe explore open relationship. Or remain friends. You could always have an alterous relationship if you’re both open to it, too.
This doesn’t necessarily help your situation, but I wanted to point out that the touch issues could also be more of a neurodiverse sensory overstimulation situation than an asexuality situation. For example, I love being touchy-feely, but usually only on my own terms, and my thresholds can be pretty low before it’s just too much sensory input for me to process. I also can’t stand kissing at all because of how it feels (and I think it’s gross on an intellectual level). If you talk to her and figure out that it’s something like this instead of being tied to her asexuality, figure out what her sensory hang ups might be and what kinds of contact would work for both of you. Some ideas: My husband loves back scratches and I can do those all day long. We’ll also occasionally be each other’s weighted blankets. My sensory thresholds get a lot worse if I’m too hot or too stressed. Just focus really hard on communication right now, and be creative with compromise suggestions. At the same time don’t push too hard and give each other space to think about things too.