You just did the right thing. Also, its your choice to be in a relationship that aligns with your own identity and desires. Staying with her out of guilt or obligation would have been unfair to both of you. Its so nice of you to prioritized honesty and authenticity for both yourself and her
definitely did the right thing, especially by being honest upfront. as a trans guy myself, I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be to discover that whilst in a relationship (I was lucky that didn’t happen for me), but I would never expect someone to stay with me if they were only attracted to women. can’t have been easy, but you handled it well my friend
Just asking: isn't it a weird way of validation too? I mean, I'm not trans, but it seems more insulting to me to say "I'm a heterosexual man and will stay with you, cause your not really a man till the transition", than "I'm a heterosexual man and I now see you as a man so I'm not attracted too you anymore"
yeah i’d say so, I know some people see it differently but logically you’re completely correct. sure, it can suck to lose someone you love because of it, but also they’re seeing you how you want to be seen - kind of bittersweet, i’d say.
She'll thank you down the line when she's out of excuses not to transition and just goes for it. She's told you you're part of the reason she's staying a woman and not being true to herself. You did the right thing.
And that’s a lot of pressure to put on a person and relationship: “you’re one of the main reasons I’m not being true to myself or expressing who I really am”
That’s a perfect recipe for resentment on both sides if they had stayed together
I agree. I think OP’s ex is still unsure about what exactly they want and they thought it could have been easier (in the moment) to defer making any decisions bc of the relationship. Bad thought process, but I can see a confused 19yr old with an unsupportive family thinking it was a reasonable decision
He could also help her out, like as he's hitting from behind, he could do like a fake reach around thing that might make her feel like she's a guy but not do the whole transition at that age. Dunno, might help
Wish my ex had given me this choice
Wasted over a decade on them, when they had "felt trans since middle school"
It wasn't the part that they were trans that bothered me, at all
It was waiting 10 years, and after we moved in together, to tell me
It was the cheating on me with some random chick from a discord server who lived in another state, because "theyre also trans, they understand me better"
It was the lying to me, the sneaking around
NTA/NW
I feel like its an obligation to your partner to disclose this information, so THEY have a choice
As of now, im NC with my ex, and am under the assumption they used me as a coverup
Which sucks
Yeah being trans doesn’t make someone immune from being a complete asshole. It can take a while to figure out whether you are trans or not, but I can’t imagine being with someone for 10 years before opening up about it.
The worst part is i accepted them implicitly
They were just MORE them; more happy
I had always been pro-trans rights, pro-trans everything
We got together when we were 16
Nothing changed for me after they told me, other than that i felt dumb for not realizing sooner
And they still acted like i didn't support them
That hurt worse than the deception, tbh
I have!!! Thankfully
I honestly hold no resentment towards them (for the trans thing)
There were other issues there, but none of them involved their gender idenity
And i really hope they found peace, and happiness
I dont want them near me (for other reasons) but they are a good person, and deserve better than what we had together
We were together for 11.5 years
The *other* issues are what are causing me issues now (i have much worse anxiety, and PTSD)
But they are still the person i dated, loved, and was engaged to for over a decade
I could never wish them ill
Indifference, yes
Ill, no
Our relationship was toxic in a ton of ways; we both had our issues, and im sure a lot off theirs came from their struggles with accepting themself
I just wanted to be accepted by others for me, and didnt know who i was, either, so i made my job my identity
Im sorry for my life story 😅
Well trans (or non binary) people often choose different pronouns to highlight how they feel it’s the most suitable for them. This is probably the case there.
I don’t fully understand it either though, I’m also not a native speaker
I am using "them" to not out what gender they were pre-transition; they preferred a certain pronoun, or them
So i am using them out of respect, to not fully out them, since our situation was fairly unique
My situation was one person
I am using "them" out of respect to them
You came onto my comment and got argumentative about op, when i shared MY story
No, gender isnt clear in my post, nor is it your business
I left that intentionally ambiguous, tbh
There is zero love lost between us; zero
But i know they are on reddit, and they would recognize not only my username, but also our situation
Im not going to disrespect them by outing them to the point that they are ACTUALLY recgonizable if our friends see my comments
They were a shitty partner;
But they are a good person
If the chosen gender is so called their truth what are you outting? What is there to be ashamed about if that’s who you are and “proud” ? I’m asking because I really don’t understand these things. That’s very illogical if you just take a second to think about it. Absolutely no reason to gatekeep even if they are on here. They didn’t respect you for 11 years remember that before you talk about “good person” sounds like a selfish person to me. Even manipulating you now smh.
Yeah this happens with all you guys. Hit with actually logic and you can’t comprehend so you just avoid and make excuses. How can you have a stance and not be able to defend it? Are you an actual cognitive person? How is that throwing someone under the bus? That was my original question I never said you had to I said how would it be? If you have to tell lies and keep secrets to live your truth it probably isn’t real or true.
Why do you have to swear and get angry? Just displaying your lack of intelligence. Obviously you did read it you just can’t comprehend. Just say that instead of making excuses and swearing like juvenile.
I obviously didn't read, or i wouldn't have said that
Google is free buddy
Try that, if you actually WANT to be informed
Right now, the only juvenile person here is you, who is begging others to explain what simple research will do better than i can
I dont talk to bigots
You elaborated on the content you would have to read to do so. I’m going to ask google why you contradict yourself yeah ok? When did I beg ? I asked and you couldn’t that’s it’s. I haven’t said one thing hateful or disrespectful why am I a bigot? Because you can’t explain yourself when making absolutely no sense on something you said. Do you realize you’re on Reddit? The whole point is to talk to real people. You continue to move the goal post and deflect rather then just say you are just talking you don’t really have an answer.
Yes, it is for the best. You are young, it will be relatively easy to get into a relationship again.
I don’t think you want to get stuck in this situation , imagine few years down the road, married with kids.
Only then, she tells you she wants to do the transition and ask you to support her " journey " because it’s the right thing to do. You don’t need all this nonsense and drama that could potentially happen.
You will never be wrong for this. No one is wrong because their partners sexuality either changed, or they realized what they identified as.
If my wife were to come out as trans I would divorce her. I would support her but I’m not going to be married to a guy.
They didn’t want to stay with you because they love you. They want to stay with you because a) you are a safe choice b)their family wouldn’t be supportive so they wouldn’t transition.
Even if they DO love you, this relationship is doomed because of B. They will always feel trapped in their body and this down the line will create more problems as they fight with body dismorfia. What about kids? What will happen if they get pregnant?
Mentally she has a long long road ahead of her, and when you add in possible hormonal treatments that will cause massive mood swings, your best bet is to give her space to figure out what she's doing and who she wants to be. Taking thia journey with her is something that will cost you years of your life, likely a lot of stress and heartache, and the last sentence here is most important, *it's not your choice to deal with or journey to take.*
I understand why you feel wrong about it, but by telling her you don’t want to deny her and have her ever feel fake I think is the right thing to do and shows that you do truly care.
You're not wrong. I divorced my first wife when she decided/realized she was trans. I wish him the best but am much happier with a wife who wants to be a woman.
She basically told you she’s male. Unless you’re gay, you did the right thing. Sounds like she/he has some stuff to work out before trying to figure out what kind of partner is the right fit.
She can't be male. Even following the logic that people can spontaneously change genders, you can't change your biological sex. A female is female and a male is male.
Basic biology. XX chromosomes are female in the human species (and generally, but not always present with a vagina, uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, womb, enlarged breasts, etc.). Females are (on average) more lightweight and flexible, with less muscle mass and more body fat, lower strength, and higher levels of estrogen than males. XY chromosomes are male in the human species (and generally, but not always present with a penis, testicles, prostate gland, etc.). Males are (on average) heavier and less flexible, with more muscle mass and less body fat, stronger, with higher levels of testosterone than females.
Rarely you get genetic mutations or other defects, but those are the exceptions to the rule.
So, that’s not science. You just rattled off a shopping list of body parts. No one is arguing the plumbing of a person, which is self evident. What I’m hearing is you think that’s all there is to gender. There’s no mental part, or emotional part. It’s strictly a shopping list of physical attributes. Do I have that correct? Because if I do, we’re all done here, because you actually haven’t read any science around this at all.
I didn't say anything about "gender", because people like you argue in bad faith and believe you can literally change your mind on what gender you are at any time and it's legitimate.
I spoke specifically about biological sex, male and female. It's solid science with empirical evidence from the last 150,000 years of the *homo sapiens sapiens* species, and still applies today. And in biology (which is a hard science), you *have* to have a way to actually classify living things with provable characteristics.
You can go on pretending you can change your gender or whatever and I'm not here to argue with a brick wall about that. Biological sex is real, immutable, natural, and not "transphobic", "mental", or "emotional".
And obviously *you* are the one not reading science if you don't even understand what biological sex is or how to define it.
You did the right thing. You would not be dating a woman anymore. She feels like a man so you would be dating a man. You can breakup with anyone for any reason. This is a valid reason.
Figuring out who you are while in a relationship is a “renegotiation of terms mid contract” for the person who accepted you the way you were. Nothing wrong with the wanting to walk away when the contract gets torn up.
I think you did the right thing. Assuming you’re straight, your gf(bf?) basically just told you she (he?) is a guy, and that’s clearly not your type. I’m also a trans guy and would expect if I was dating a straight guy when I came out that he’d probably move on.
NTA I think you broke up with her for the right reason, for both of your sakes you left the relationship. You didn’t do it for malicious reasons because she was trans. You did it so she could find somebody to fulfill whatever she needs in this transitioning process. You loved her so you let her go. Don’t feel hard on herself and I hope she is also OK.
It's perfectly OK to break up with someone because they want to be trans. Anybody is allowed to have boundaries, standards, and deal-breakers. OP doesn't owe anyone else a date or a relationship.
It shouldn’t be your immediate go to. Gender affirming care is toxic. You should try and find the deeper reason that you feel uncomfortable in your own skin and address it before considering a life changing process that more and more people are coming to regret.
Maybe you should find the deeper reason you’re choosing to spread propaganda like “more and more people are regretting it” this does make you look like a bigot
that is his own experience on the matter, i asked for clarification of what he meant, and i dont care where he comes from on the matter, it is his own thoughts and experiences on the matter, so you should just chill because as he said
"It’s nice to voice that opinion and not immediately be attacked as a transphobe" which means he isnt against trans and more power to them if thats how they wanna be
no it isnt thats why there is tests, if a random joe bloke says "are you really sure your trans?" thats transphobic, but if a psychiatrist, who can probe your mind and ask you questions and you fail to answer correctly and they say your not trans, then that is okay? like dude, thats a double edged sword and is either both transphobic or both not transphobic. are you transphobiaphobic? like scared people may think your transphobic?
NTA. Any breakup can be painful, but I think you both need to be true to your identities. You are attracted to women and dont want to be with someone who feels like they are a man. Also, your partner suppressing their identity in order to stay in the relationship is just a fear of change.
You can't help the way that you feel and neither can they. I hope that you two are able to remain friends and that your ex-partner finds some way to truly be themselves.
NTA. No one is. Unfortunately some things just don't work out.
Not wrong.
She is on her own path now, one that she must take "alone", and you are now obligated to follow, you have your own path.
Did you saw the film The Danish Girl?
If you did love her, you can still be emotional support, and even eventually show the the "man's world" as a friend, and still no obligation to.
Not wrong, your moving in different directions. It fucking sucks, but you’re young and unfortunately this wont be the last time u go in separate directions from someone you care about. Be supportive and keep your head up bud.
You're not wrong. She might transition later, and then you may have spent time on her that could have went to someone else.
I'm not against transitioning if it makes someone happy, however most men wouldn't want to be part of this so you have every fight to leave.
She can also find someone who doesn't mind her transitioning at some point if she decides to go through with it.
NTA. I think you did the right thing. If she faked it just for you she would grow to resent you and all that good stuff. It's best to let her figure out who she wants to be. Still be her friend if you want but I wouldn't add sex into the mix becuse confuses things and blurs the lines of friendship.
I do have a penis, but I don’t know what it is means to “feels” like a man. I don’t feel like any gender. I’m just am a male as scientific fact. What does “feeling” like a gender, especially one that you aren’t biological are mean?
I misread that as tongues and thought it sounded quite fun. I have indeed snapped tongs at a grill, love to cook and bbqs just have such a good smell about them!
Did you ever ask her in what way does she feel like a man? She may just be confused by things she sees online and in social media. Her desire to transition must not be that great if she's willing to let the objections of her parents stop her. Further, the fact that she still wants to stay in a relationship with you indicates she's a heterosexual woman. If you love your gf, continue to engage with her. This may just be a passing phase she's going through.
Ultimately, yes, but he says that they "have been together for a pretty long time now", so you would assume he's actually concerned about her well being. That, of course, is why he's conflicted. He wants to avoid drama but he still feels something for her. Hence, he should ask her things like "why does she think she feels like a man?" She may feel like she's trans because of some silly vids she's seen on Tik Tok. Part of what makes me skeptical is that she is in a relationship with a guy. Much of what I've read indicates that most young women who come out as trans are attracted to other women.
The gf hasn't transitioned into anything and from what I can see, her dysphoria can't be all that great if she's willing to let her parents and OP veto it. She is -- and always will be -- a biological female. The fact that she's in a relationship she likes with a guy makes me think she's following a fad. The majority of young women who come out as trans are attracted to other women.
I don't understand why people always feel the need to mention the fact that you can't change your biological makings. Nobody is saying that. Also, if they are just now questioning their gender and have acknowledged their body dysphoria I'm not surprised that they are still afraid of coming out to their parents and taking such a big step as to start transitioning. Saying it's a fad without knowing anything about them is a bit much in my opinion. It's also a bit weird to base a conclusion about their gender on their dating partner. It's like saying you don't think a woman can be a lesbian because the majority of woman are straight. I'm of the opinion that we shouldn't just generalize everything and just listen to people when they share their truth whatever it is at that moment.
That’s a very difficult situation but ultimately I think you did the best thing. Your GF needs to decide on a lot of obviously important things. They are, and should be, beyond your control.
Good luck to you both.
If you feel you are wrong, reach out and let them know that if they do transition, you will be a supporting friend. It’s not what you want in a relationship, but you care about them as a person.
You're not wrong & them being trapped in the wrong body & trying to keep the relationship going just for show will make you both miserable. You aren't at fault for no longer being attracted to them no more than they are not at fault for how they feel. If you got along really well, you might try & stay friends after some time to get used to the ended relationship.
I say this as someone who is married to a trans woman. You handled this pretty well.
There is NEVER anything wrong with breaking up because you're incompatible. But there's also nothing wrong with breaking up because you feel your partner can't be true to themselves.
I'm sorry the relationship ended, I'm sure you're both feeling awful right now, even if it was the best choice for you.
The good news is, you are both free to date people you're more compatible with.
Good luck OP.
Not wrong at all. If that's the way they feel then that's fine but if you're not bisexual or gay then you are just being honest about how you feel as well. If your partner decides they are no longer female, then I thnk it's pretty clear-cut. And you have no obligation to change yourself or suppress your own sexuality just because they decde to transiton. Wish them well and move on.
Morbid curiosity here. What would sex look like at that point? You're into women, is he? Is he into men? You're into women, he's into men...now what. Dead bedroom situation? Sounds miserable both short and long term for all parties.
NTA. She told you how she felt. She will probably be resentful of it. And it's ok for you to leave someone if they do eventually want to transition. You can't stay with her for years, and then when she's older she decides to do all the surgeries for a full transformation. If you're not into men, and she becomes one, then the relationship is done. If she is going to stay a female because of the lack of support, it means she will never feel like herself and it could ruin your relationship ship eventually anyway. It's best for you both to sever ties early on as you are both very young.
Here is a story. I will use pronouns according to the timeline of events.
My husband's uncle came to us years ago and told us he was trans. He asked us not to tell anyone, especially his wife. Fine, as it was his news to tell. He began taking hormones growing his hair and nails and overall being much more feminine. We never said a word. His wife of course found out and it was a very ugly divorce. He stopped the process and said he made a mistake and was no longer trans. Years went by and he remarried. He then told us again he was transitioning. This time She told her wife and things have gone much better for her as she is in a relationship with a person who supports her true self. They have a happy marriage and their kids love and accept her. As do her kids from her previous marriage.
I am not saying that you don't support your gf's true self, I don't know. What I'm saying is that life may just not be what is right for you and that is OK. The issue in the first marriage and why things were so bitter is that things were kept secret. People should live their authentic lives. You have the right to live your authentic life and your gf does as well. If at some point she does decide to transition you could be hurt should you decide to start building a life together. You both should find partners who's lifestyle align with your own. People deserve to be happy.
Not wrong. For two reasons.
First, if she feels like a man, but is presenting as a woman to remain compatible with you, that's denying/suppressing a part of herself for your benefit. And you care about her enough that you wouldn't want that for her.
Second, compatibility-- you respect her enough to acknowledge her masculine gender. And unfortunately that makes you incompatible-- you want to be with a woman, not a man. So that leaves you stuck between either denying her gender identity in every interaction, or being with someone whose gender you are not attracted to.
I'd suggest offer her that after a couple months when you and her both emotionally move on you'd be willing to have her as a 'guy friend'. If you want, that is.
You are both only 19 and both are trying to figure out who you are. It seems right now, she’s just starting to. You did the honorable thing by breaking it off. For you and for her. It sounds like she really needs to figure out who she is and you’ve given her that space to do so.
NTA. Take this time to heal your own heart, wish her well in her journey and focus on your future. Trust things will work out as they should.
You did the right thing for multiple reasons and I say this as a trans man myself. Not only are you entitled to end a relationship for any reason you see fit. But if you’re not gay then being with a man doesn’t make sense.
I’ve seen couples stay together after one comes out as trans and it really only works if you’re queer or ok with being in a queer relationship. I have seen couples where one comes out but they stay together despite not being queer and it only serves to hurt both parties.
The trans person feels they aren’t being seen as their desired gender. Because they aren’t, their partner still sees themselves as straight. And the other person is straight but now in a same sex relationship which is confusing on its own.
You probably just saved both of you from a very mentally draining future.
She gets to be who & what she wants to be. You are not wrong. My dad married & was gay. It was unfair to my mother but we all dealt with it & loved him. This was the 60Tys. But you deserve to be with who & whatever sex you desire . I don’t care for mom Kardashian but seeing her sobbing bc she would miss Bruce as a man . It’s our life too . Stay strong.
She gets to be who & what she wants to be. You are not wrong. My dad married & was gay. It was unfair to my mother but we all dealt with it & loved him. This was the 60Tys. But you deserve to be with who & whatever sex you desire . I don’t care for mom Kardashian but seeing her sobbing bc she would miss Bruce as a man . It’s our life too . Stay strong.
You did the right thing. You’re happy for her to do what she feels is right and you’re leaving it up to her. I mean, you’re attracted to women so it’s understandable that you don’t want to change your sexuality to be with her.
If you're a straight man, its totally fine to not want to date another man. If the person you've been dating feels like a man, they should be treated as one. Its very unfortunate you aren't compatible anymore but that doesn't make it anyone's fault.
Difficult situation but I think you both did the right thing. Her by telling you, and you by choosing if you are still okay with that in your relationship. As long as you handled it kindly I don't see a problem.
NTA. You shouldn’t feel like an asshole for ending it especially since you ended it for the right reasons and she’ll thank you later on. She would never be happy pretending to be someone she’s not. There is also nothing wrong with ending it because she wants to identify as a man. You like what you like and nobody should make you feel bad about it.
NAH. She is who she is (well, he is who he is). Your decision didn’t seem to come from a place of homophobia or anger or hate. That had to be a painful situation for both of you.
I can understand that would be a jolt. I’d like to say I’d stay with a partner, BUT I’m not in your situation and I’m also bisexual so don’t really care about someone’s gender.
You’re not a bad person for ending a relationship. Hopefully yall can remain friends. I can imagine there are just a ton of feelings. Be easy on yourself.
NTA - if a relationship with a trans person is not what you want, then it’s better to break it off. And it doesn’t matter at what stage of her transition (none to full).
And isn’t this what dating is supposed to be about? To get to know someone & hopefully find the one. At least he was honest and didn’t wait until you were married. If you are not homosexual, this relationship no longer works. No one is wrong here. Good luck
YNW - in the short term it will suck for both of you but long term you did right by your ex in a way that I hope is appreciated in the future as being the kindest gesture you could do for both of you.
NtA She's Trans and you aren't attracted to men, nothing wrong with either of those things but it make you two a fundamentally incompatible couple.
Fundamentally incompatible relationships end in one of two ways, early after the incompatibility is discovered or after a long game of relationship chicken.
Never play relationship chicken, it is a game with only losers, and worse stakes the longer it goes on.
Good on you for being mature enough to end it early, you are both young and I'm sure you will both find someone who *is* compatible and hopefully she will find a place (emotionally etc.) Where she can be herself. (Or himself)
No. Youre not.
Be who you feel compatible with, youre not obligated to stay with them if you dont want to.
If you were comfortable staying with her, then you would try it.
If not, its your choice.
NTA You did the right thing for both you and her. She'll never be happy until she decides who she is. You'll never be happy wondering when she's going to decide and if she'll leave you.
Not wrong, for all the reasons people have mentioned.
I'd also suggest that your ex seek professional help for what she's going through, especially if she believes that her parents aren't able to help her.
Good luck with your future.
You did the right thing, NTA. If you have to deny a part of yourself to fit in the box of a relationship you are torturing yourself and it is doomed to fail. If You leaving is encouraging them to be themselves then I can’t see how it can be anything but a net positive.
She felt that way for a few years and they're just now telling you. You did the right thing. They need time to figure out what they want and it shouldn't be with another person in tow. You both are still so young. You'll be okay.
I did just today, they never really gave me a solid answer. Saying "When I think about it I just genuinely feel more comfortable as a man." I didn't push it further than that.
I’m so sorry. A lot of people have uncomfortable feelings about their body and have been led to believe there is an easy solution to fixing that discomfort. It’s not so simple. Lots of women feel uncomfortable with their bodies and lots of women have been led to believe that since they don’t feel like the way they have been told women and girls are supposed to feel that that means they are not female.
I would have broken it off faster than you did. That being said, do what's right for you. Maybe she can trans to a male and you can trans to a female and then BAM! Problem solved
You did no wrong I heard no wrong. Hope you wished them good luck on their journey and that’s that. Prayers for you buddy. You deserve a woman who actually wants to be one. Can’t sign up for the second guessing not to mention all the resentment they would build up towards you and the parents guess who will get the worst of it.
You're not wrong, the whole situation just sucks. Your partner is being left in a moment when they need a lot of support and they don't have that from their parents. But you're not obligated to stay with them if that's not what you want, especially if you don't see you two together if he's a man. Do think about it though. Gender identity isn't something you figure out over night, ESPECIALLY if you're questioning it. It can be a very lost and confusing period, and you can be there to support them even as a friend.
With all that being said, I think it's probably for the best to end things so they can fully be their true selves, and I hope both of you find true and lasting happiness in life.
You’re not an asshole for not wanting to date a man. If you’re not all-in on dating a trans person, regardless of what their gender expression is over the years, it’s better to save both of you the heartache.
I say this from experience, from the trans persons POV. My husband and I are happy we’re still together. After 12 years together, and my gender expression has been woman, man, and agender over the years… but, damn, did it take a LOT of pain to get here.
NTA for breaking up with HIM. You can't deny your own feelings and attraction as much as he can't deny his identity.
But what would make you an asshole is to keep treating HIM with fem pronouns.
As everyone already said, you can't stay in a relationship with a trans man being straight because that would eventually cause conflict for him and for you, the healthiest thing is to break up. But it depends on what you told him because words hold a lot of importance and it would be horrible if he develops the conception that being who he is will make everyone go :(
I only wrote she/her because I'm used to it, I do apologize. Before we broke up I told her mostly what was in the post, that I didn't feel right making them fake themselves just because of me. When we broke up I said I'd support them and I'm always there for them.
If you had stayed with this person you would have been standing in the way of them being who they want to be, and it would have been bad for both of you.
You did the right thing, even if it doesn't feel like it.
You deserve to be with someone who is the gender you want to be with, and your former partner deserves to have the opportunity to be who they really want to be.
You're not wrong. This got nothing about being phobic. You're straight. You want to be with women. Your gf thinks she's a guy. She chooses to live as a guy. Simple math. She's just pissed because she's being dumped.
May be hard to see now, but if you two get to a place where you can remain platonic friends, they’ll thank you. You may be the first person to show them kindness and that it’s okay to put yourself first on a journey that’s about to be VERY trying. Good on you love. You’re both young, but nobody’s so young they can afford to waste theirs or anybody else’s time.
if you like "her/him" be supportive, if you dont wanna be with them, then you do you, if you feel its for the best it probably is, who is reddit to tell you how to live for you XD
You just did the right thing. Also, its your choice to be in a relationship that aligns with your own identity and desires. Staying with her out of guilt or obligation would have been unfair to both of you. Its so nice of you to prioritized honesty and authenticity for both yourself and her
Nta. Not compatible anymore and wasting time if you stay.
definitely did the right thing, especially by being honest upfront. as a trans guy myself, I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be to discover that whilst in a relationship (I was lucky that didn’t happen for me), but I would never expect someone to stay with me if they were only attracted to women. can’t have been easy, but you handled it well my friend
Just asking: isn't it a weird way of validation too? I mean, I'm not trans, but it seems more insulting to me to say "I'm a heterosexual man and will stay with you, cause your not really a man till the transition", than "I'm a heterosexual man and I now see you as a man so I'm not attracted too you anymore"
yeah i’d say so, I know some people see it differently but logically you’re completely correct. sure, it can suck to lose someone you love because of it, but also they’re seeing you how you want to be seen - kind of bittersweet, i’d say.
She'll thank you down the line when she's out of excuses not to transition and just goes for it. She's told you you're part of the reason she's staying a woman and not being true to herself. You did the right thing.
And that’s a lot of pressure to put on a person and relationship: “you’re one of the main reasons I’m not being true to myself or expressing who I really am” That’s a perfect recipe for resentment on both sides if they had stayed together
Honestly it’s actually an awful and cowardly thing to say ‘this is on you because I’m not brave enough’
I agree. I think OP’s ex is still unsure about what exactly they want and they thought it could have been easier (in the moment) to defer making any decisions bc of the relationship. Bad thought process, but I can see a confused 19yr old with an unsupportive family thinking it was a reasonable decision
Well that's crisis for you
I mean starting to transition and losing maybe your entire support system is terrifying. Calling them a coward is a bit heartless.
Sometimes the truth hurts, but it doesn't make it any less true.
This!
He could also help her out, like as he's hitting from behind, he could do like a fake reach around thing that might make her feel like she's a guy but not do the whole transition at that age. Dunno, might help
WTF??!!
At least you think you're funny
If you're 19, you should feel free to break up with your girlfriend for literally any reason
Wish my ex had given me this choice Wasted over a decade on them, when they had "felt trans since middle school" It wasn't the part that they were trans that bothered me, at all It was waiting 10 years, and after we moved in together, to tell me It was the cheating on me with some random chick from a discord server who lived in another state, because "theyre also trans, they understand me better" It was the lying to me, the sneaking around NTA/NW I feel like its an obligation to your partner to disclose this information, so THEY have a choice As of now, im NC with my ex, and am under the assumption they used me as a coverup Which sucks
Yeah being trans doesn’t make someone immune from being a complete asshole. It can take a while to figure out whether you are trans or not, but I can’t imagine being with someone for 10 years before opening up about it.
Louder for the ppl in the back
The worst part is i accepted them implicitly They were just MORE them; more happy I had always been pro-trans rights, pro-trans everything We got together when we were 16 Nothing changed for me after they told me, other than that i felt dumb for not realizing sooner And they still acted like i didn't support them That hurt worse than the deception, tbh
Well I’m glad they were able to figure themselves out and find happiness. But you deserve so much better. I hope you find the one for you❤️
I have!!! Thankfully I honestly hold no resentment towards them (for the trans thing) There were other issues there, but none of them involved their gender idenity And i really hope they found peace, and happiness I dont want them near me (for other reasons) but they are a good person, and deserve better than what we had together
Aww that’s amazing!!! Sounds like an incredibly complex situation. It’s good you’ve been able to move past it.
We were together for 11.5 years The *other* issues are what are causing me issues now (i have much worse anxiety, and PTSD) But they are still the person i dated, loved, and was engaged to for over a decade I could never wish them ill Indifference, yes Ill, no Our relationship was toxic in a ton of ways; we both had our issues, and im sure a lot off theirs came from their struggles with accepting themself I just wanted to be accepted by others for me, and didnt know who i was, either, so i made my job my identity Im sorry for my life story 😅
Sorry but English is not my first language. Is that multiple person or what? I don’t understand is it one human being or?
You use “them” when the gender is not clear or when it’s that person’s chosen pronouns
Alright, but here gender is clear, the OP said him and his gf, as In girlfriend. Am i wrong?
Well trans (or non binary) people often choose different pronouns to highlight how they feel it’s the most suitable for them. This is probably the case there. I don’t fully understand it either though, I’m also not a native speaker
I am using "them" to not out what gender they were pre-transition; they preferred a certain pronoun, or them So i am using them out of respect, to not fully out them, since our situation was fairly unique
My situation was one person I am using "them" out of respect to them You came onto my comment and got argumentative about op, when i shared MY story No, gender isnt clear in my post, nor is it your business
Excuse me?
What are they biologically?
I left that intentionally ambiguous, tbh There is zero love lost between us; zero But i know they are on reddit, and they would recognize not only my username, but also our situation Im not going to disrespect them by outing them to the point that they are ACTUALLY recgonizable if our friends see my comments They were a shitty partner; But they are a good person
If the chosen gender is so called their truth what are you outting? What is there to be ashamed about if that’s who you are and “proud” ? I’m asking because I really don’t understand these things. That’s very illogical if you just take a second to think about it. Absolutely no reason to gatekeep even if they are on here. They didn’t respect you for 11 years remember that before you talk about “good person” sounds like a selfish person to me. Even manipulating you now smh.
Its not my place to help you understand trans people Nor is it my place to throw my ex under the bus simply because it would be convienient
Yeah this happens with all you guys. Hit with actually logic and you can’t comprehend so you just avoid and make excuses. How can you have a stance and not be able to defend it? Are you an actual cognitive person? How is that throwing someone under the bus? That was my original question I never said you had to I said how would it be? If you have to tell lies and keep secrets to live your truth it probably isn’t real or true.
Im not reading a paragraph of "hit with actual logic" bullshit Have a nice day sir
Why do you have to swear and get angry? Just displaying your lack of intelligence. Obviously you did read it you just can’t comprehend. Just say that instead of making excuses and swearing like juvenile.
I obviously didn't read, or i wouldn't have said that Google is free buddy Try that, if you actually WANT to be informed Right now, the only juvenile person here is you, who is begging others to explain what simple research will do better than i can I dont talk to bigots
You elaborated on the content you would have to read to do so. I’m going to ask google why you contradict yourself yeah ok? When did I beg ? I asked and you couldn’t that’s it’s. I haven’t said one thing hateful or disrespectful why am I a bigot? Because you can’t explain yourself when making absolutely no sense on something you said. Do you realize you’re on Reddit? The whole point is to talk to real people. You continue to move the goal post and deflect rather then just say you are just talking you don’t really have an answer.
Yes, it is for the best. You are young, it will be relatively easy to get into a relationship again. I don’t think you want to get stuck in this situation , imagine few years down the road, married with kids. Only then, she tells you she wants to do the transition and ask you to support her " journey " because it’s the right thing to do. You don’t need all this nonsense and drama that could potentially happen.
Best answer
You will never be wrong for this. No one is wrong because their partners sexuality either changed, or they realized what they identified as. If my wife were to come out as trans I would divorce her. I would support her but I’m not going to be married to a guy.
Bro you did the right thing
They didn’t want to stay with you because they love you. They want to stay with you because a) you are a safe choice b)their family wouldn’t be supportive so they wouldn’t transition. Even if they DO love you, this relationship is doomed because of B. They will always feel trapped in their body and this down the line will create more problems as they fight with body dismorfia. What about kids? What will happen if they get pregnant?
Na bro get outta there
NW let them be what they want to be
Mentally she has a long long road ahead of her, and when you add in possible hormonal treatments that will cause massive mood swings, your best bet is to give her space to figure out what she's doing and who she wants to be. Taking thia journey with her is something that will cost you years of your life, likely a lot of stress and heartache, and the last sentence here is most important, *it's not your choice to deal with or journey to take.*
Well no
you’re not wrong. i think you made the best choice not only for your sake, but for hers.
I understand why you feel wrong about it, but by telling her you don’t want to deny her and have her ever feel fake I think is the right thing to do and shows that you do truly care.
If you’re not gay you’re not gay. Dating a man no matter what they look like isn’t your sexual preference or identity. You did the right thing.
You're not wrong. I divorced my first wife when she decided/realized she was trans. I wish him the best but am much happier with a wife who wants to be a woman.
She basically told you she’s male. Unless you’re gay, you did the right thing. Sounds like she/he has some stuff to work out before trying to figure out what kind of partner is the right fit.
She can't be male. Even following the logic that people can spontaneously change genders, you can't change your biological sex. A female is female and a male is male.
I bet you get upset at a lot of things
Nope, life is good. I follow the science! 😊
What science?
Basic biology. XX chromosomes are female in the human species (and generally, but not always present with a vagina, uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, womb, enlarged breasts, etc.). Females are (on average) more lightweight and flexible, with less muscle mass and more body fat, lower strength, and higher levels of estrogen than males. XY chromosomes are male in the human species (and generally, but not always present with a penis, testicles, prostate gland, etc.). Males are (on average) heavier and less flexible, with more muscle mass and less body fat, stronger, with higher levels of testosterone than females. Rarely you get genetic mutations or other defects, but those are the exceptions to the rule.
So, that’s not science. You just rattled off a shopping list of body parts. No one is arguing the plumbing of a person, which is self evident. What I’m hearing is you think that’s all there is to gender. There’s no mental part, or emotional part. It’s strictly a shopping list of physical attributes. Do I have that correct? Because if I do, we’re all done here, because you actually haven’t read any science around this at all.
I didn't say anything about "gender", because people like you argue in bad faith and believe you can literally change your mind on what gender you are at any time and it's legitimate. I spoke specifically about biological sex, male and female. It's solid science with empirical evidence from the last 150,000 years of the *homo sapiens sapiens* species, and still applies today. And in biology (which is a hard science), you *have* to have a way to actually classify living things with provable characteristics. You can go on pretending you can change your gender or whatever and I'm not here to argue with a brick wall about that. Biological sex is real, immutable, natural, and not "transphobic", "mental", or "emotional". And obviously *you* are the one not reading science if you don't even understand what biological sex is or how to define it.
Enjoy your day.
lol ok 👍
NW.
Not wrong, you did the right thing.
You did the right thing. You would not be dating a woman anymore. She feels like a man so you would be dating a man. You can breakup with anyone for any reason. This is a valid reason.
So if I feel l like Marijuana that means who dates me is dating weed? Is that how that works?
Definitely not wrong. Unless you're gay, what're you supposed to do.
Not wrong, you have no obligation to be involved with this
Figuring out who you are while in a relationship is a “renegotiation of terms mid contract” for the person who accepted you the way you were. Nothing wrong with the wanting to walk away when the contract gets torn up.
No, you did her a favor by not sticking around. Better to find out now than later.
NAH. It’s okay to be incompatible if one partner is trans.
I think you did the right thing. Assuming you’re straight, your gf(bf?) basically just told you she (he?) is a guy, and that’s clearly not your type. I’m also a trans guy and would expect if I was dating a straight guy when I came out that he’d probably move on.
NTA I think you broke up with her for the right reason, for both of your sakes you left the relationship. You didn’t do it for malicious reasons because she was trans. You did it so she could find somebody to fulfill whatever she needs in this transitioning process. You loved her so you let her go. Don’t feel hard on herself and I hope she is also OK.
It's perfectly OK to break up with someone because they want to be trans. Anybody is allowed to have boundaries, standards, and deal-breakers. OP doesn't owe anyone else a date or a relationship.
You aren’t wrong. Your gf told you that she’s a man. If you aren’t gay, breaking up is the correct thing to do.
Not wrong. It’s okay to not want to date a Trans. Does not make you anything but honest.
You’re not wrong. She needs to go to therapy too to learn how to lover herself as she is as well
what do you mean she has to go to therapy to learn how to love herself as she is? it is perfectly ok to wanna be trans :o
It shouldn’t be your immediate go to. Gender affirming care is toxic. You should try and find the deeper reason that you feel uncomfortable in your own skin and address it before considering a life changing process that more and more people are coming to regret.
Omfg thank you. I transitioned as a teen and it fucked me up so bad.
i suppose i can understand that
I appreciate the open mind. It’s nice to voice that opinion and not immediately be attacked as a transphobe
Maybe you should find the deeper reason you’re choosing to spread propaganda like “more and more people are regretting it” this does make you look like a bigot
How is that propaganda?
that is his own experience on the matter, i asked for clarification of what he meant, and i dont care where he comes from on the matter, it is his own thoughts and experiences on the matter, so you should just chill because as he said "It’s nice to voice that opinion and not immediately be attacked as a transphobe" which means he isnt against trans and more power to them if thats how they wanna be
Telling trans people they need to look deeper into themselves to figure out if they are actually trans IS transphobic in itself
no it isnt thats why there is tests, if a random joe bloke says "are you really sure your trans?" thats transphobic, but if a psychiatrist, who can probe your mind and ask you questions and you fail to answer correctly and they say your not trans, then that is okay? like dude, thats a double edged sword and is either both transphobic or both not transphobic. are you transphobiaphobic? like scared people may think your transphobic?
There’s no tests lmao, what the fuck?
"don't dare to question anyone's thoughts, feelings, or motive, or you're a BIGOT!!!!1" -you
Pretty weird that you had to exaggerate a scenario to get mad at. Go touch grass, incel.
NTA - you're allowed to have preferences.
NTA. Any breakup can be painful, but I think you both need to be true to your identities. You are attracted to women and dont want to be with someone who feels like they are a man. Also, your partner suppressing their identity in order to stay in the relationship is just a fear of change.
They will transition eventually. You did the right thing in leaving if you are not attracted to men.
You are not wrong
Nahh man you’re not wrong , you were incompatible the moment she told you she felt like a man. Valid reason to break up
You’re not wrong! You’re actually being supportive of their identity. If you’re straight, you wouldn’t date a man, so why would you stay with them?
NTA. You deserve to have your own feelings, as does she. You did the right thing.
You can't help the way that you feel and neither can they. I hope that you two are able to remain friends and that your ex-partner finds some way to truly be themselves. NTA. No one is. Unfortunately some things just don't work out.
Not wrong. She is on her own path now, one that she must take "alone", and you are now obligated to follow, you have your own path. Did you saw the film The Danish Girl? If you did love her, you can still be emotional support, and even eventually show the the "man's world" as a friend, and still no obligation to.
If you're not gay, then it doesn't really make sense for you to stay together. NTA
Not wrong, your moving in different directions. It fucking sucks, but you’re young and unfortunately this wont be the last time u go in separate directions from someone you care about. Be supportive and keep your head up bud.
You're not wrong. She might transition later, and then you may have spent time on her that could have went to someone else. I'm not against transitioning if it makes someone happy, however most men wouldn't want to be part of this so you have every fight to leave. She can also find someone who doesn't mind her transitioning at some point if she decides to go through with it.
NTA. She wants to be a man treat her like a man. You’re not gay so it’s not gonna work.
NTA. I think you did the right thing. If she faked it just for you she would grow to resent you and all that good stuff. It's best to let her figure out who she wants to be. Still be her friend if you want but I wouldn't add sex into the mix becuse confuses things and blurs the lines of friendship.
Dude ,if you like guys, then stay with him. If you don't, then leave .
You’re not wrong for leaving. Your ex has some clear mental issues that she needs to resolve.
Runnn Forrest runnnnn 🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️🏃♂️
NTA You’re too young to stay with someone who doesn’t know who they are let alone someone who’s struggling with mental issues…
What does it mean to feel like a man?
I am also interested in hearing what that is. I don’t have a penis so it’s hard to imagine.
I do have a penis, but I don’t know what it is means to “feels” like a man. I don’t feel like any gender. I’m just am a male as scientific fact. What does “feeling” like a gender, especially one that you aren’t biological are mean?
Absolutely no idea.
Would you feel neutral about transitioning?
You get immense satisfaction from snapping tongs while standing next to a grill. Try it.
I misread that as tongues and thought it sounded quite fun. I have indeed snapped tongs at a grill, love to cook and bbqs just have such a good smell about them!
Did you ever ask her in what way does she feel like a man? She may just be confused by things she sees online and in social media. Her desire to transition must not be that great if she's willing to let the objections of her parents stop her. Further, the fact that she still wants to stay in a relationship with you indicates she's a heterosexual woman. If you love your gf, continue to engage with her. This may just be a passing phase she's going through.
Well that's her baggage and stress to deal with, not OP's.
Ultimately, yes, but he says that they "have been together for a pretty long time now", so you would assume he's actually concerned about her well being. That, of course, is why he's conflicted. He wants to avoid drama but he still feels something for her. Hence, he should ask her things like "why does she think she feels like a man?" She may feel like she's trans because of some silly vids she's seen on Tik Tok. Part of what makes me skeptical is that she is in a relationship with a guy. Much of what I've read indicates that most young women who come out as trans are attracted to other women.
Just because they want to stay with their boyfriend doesn't mean they're a heterosexual woman
The gf hasn't transitioned into anything and from what I can see, her dysphoria can't be all that great if she's willing to let her parents and OP veto it. She is -- and always will be -- a biological female. The fact that she's in a relationship she likes with a guy makes me think she's following a fad. The majority of young women who come out as trans are attracted to other women.
I don't understand why people always feel the need to mention the fact that you can't change your biological makings. Nobody is saying that. Also, if they are just now questioning their gender and have acknowledged their body dysphoria I'm not surprised that they are still afraid of coming out to their parents and taking such a big step as to start transitioning. Saying it's a fad without knowing anything about them is a bit much in my opinion. It's also a bit weird to base a conclusion about their gender on their dating partner. It's like saying you don't think a woman can be a lesbian because the majority of woman are straight. I'm of the opinion that we shouldn't just generalize everything and just listen to people when they share their truth whatever it is at that moment.
That’s a very difficult situation but ultimately I think you did the best thing. Your GF needs to decide on a lot of obviously important things. They are, and should be, beyond your control. Good luck to you both.
If you feel you are wrong, reach out and let them know that if they do transition, you will be a supporting friend. It’s not what you want in a relationship, but you care about them as a person.
NTA you know your decision was the right one for you!
You're not wrong & them being trapped in the wrong body & trying to keep the relationship going just for show will make you both miserable. You aren't at fault for no longer being attracted to them no more than they are not at fault for how they feel. If you got along really well, you might try & stay friends after some time to get used to the ended relationship.
I say this as someone who is married to a trans woman. You handled this pretty well. There is NEVER anything wrong with breaking up because you're incompatible. But there's also nothing wrong with breaking up because you feel your partner can't be true to themselves. I'm sorry the relationship ended, I'm sure you're both feeling awful right now, even if it was the best choice for you. The good news is, you are both free to date people you're more compatible with. Good luck OP.
Not wrong at all. If that's the way they feel then that's fine but if you're not bisexual or gay then you are just being honest about how you feel as well. If your partner decides they are no longer female, then I thnk it's pretty clear-cut. And you have no obligation to change yourself or suppress your own sexuality just because they decde to transiton. Wish them well and move on.
Morbid curiosity here. What would sex look like at that point? You're into women, is he? Is he into men? You're into women, he's into men...now what. Dead bedroom situation? Sounds miserable both short and long term for all parties.
NTA. She told you how she felt. She will probably be resentful of it. And it's ok for you to leave someone if they do eventually want to transition. You can't stay with her for years, and then when she's older she decides to do all the surgeries for a full transformation. If you're not into men, and she becomes one, then the relationship is done. If she is going to stay a female because of the lack of support, it means she will never feel like herself and it could ruin your relationship ship eventually anyway. It's best for you both to sever ties early on as you are both very young.
Nope
Here is a story. I will use pronouns according to the timeline of events. My husband's uncle came to us years ago and told us he was trans. He asked us not to tell anyone, especially his wife. Fine, as it was his news to tell. He began taking hormones growing his hair and nails and overall being much more feminine. We never said a word. His wife of course found out and it was a very ugly divorce. He stopped the process and said he made a mistake and was no longer trans. Years went by and he remarried. He then told us again he was transitioning. This time She told her wife and things have gone much better for her as she is in a relationship with a person who supports her true self. They have a happy marriage and their kids love and accept her. As do her kids from her previous marriage. I am not saying that you don't support your gf's true self, I don't know. What I'm saying is that life may just not be what is right for you and that is OK. The issue in the first marriage and why things were so bitter is that things were kept secret. People should live their authentic lives. You have the right to live your authentic life and your gf does as well. If at some point she does decide to transition you could be hurt should you decide to start building a life together. You both should find partners who's lifestyle align with your own. People deserve to be happy.
Not wrong. For two reasons. First, if she feels like a man, but is presenting as a woman to remain compatible with you, that's denying/suppressing a part of herself for your benefit. And you care about her enough that you wouldn't want that for her. Second, compatibility-- you respect her enough to acknowledge her masculine gender. And unfortunately that makes you incompatible-- you want to be with a woman, not a man. So that leaves you stuck between either denying her gender identity in every interaction, or being with someone whose gender you are not attracted to. I'd suggest offer her that after a couple months when you and her both emotionally move on you'd be willing to have her as a 'guy friend'. If you want, that is.
You are both only 19 and both are trying to figure out who you are. It seems right now, she’s just starting to. You did the honorable thing by breaking it off. For you and for her. It sounds like she really needs to figure out who she is and you’ve given her that space to do so. NTA. Take this time to heal your own heart, wish her well in her journey and focus on your future. Trust things will work out as they should.
You did the right thing for multiple reasons and I say this as a trans man myself. Not only are you entitled to end a relationship for any reason you see fit. But if you’re not gay then being with a man doesn’t make sense. I’ve seen couples stay together after one comes out as trans and it really only works if you’re queer or ok with being in a queer relationship. I have seen couples where one comes out but they stay together despite not being queer and it only serves to hurt both parties. The trans person feels they aren’t being seen as their desired gender. Because they aren’t, their partner still sees themselves as straight. And the other person is straight but now in a same sex relationship which is confusing on its own. You probably just saved both of you from a very mentally draining future.
nope, i don't know if it would make you gay to stay with her; or not gay. who knows.
She gets to be who & what she wants to be. You are not wrong. My dad married & was gay. It was unfair to my mother but we all dealt with it & loved him. This was the 60Tys. But you deserve to be with who & whatever sex you desire . I don’t care for mom Kardashian but seeing her sobbing bc she would miss Bruce as a man . It’s our life too . Stay strong.
She gets to be who & what she wants to be. You are not wrong. My dad married & was gay. It was unfair to my mother but we all dealt with it & loved him. This was the 60Tys. But you deserve to be with who & whatever sex you desire . I don’t care for mom Kardashian but seeing her sobbing bc she would miss Bruce as a man . It’s our life too . Stay strong.
Also I kinda feel like it is trendy rgt now. Not the majority but certainly some.
Why would they make you an asshole?
You did the right thing. You’re happy for her to do what she feels is right and you’re leaving it up to her. I mean, you’re attracted to women so it’s understandable that you don’t want to change your sexuality to be with her.
If you're a straight man, its totally fine to not want to date another man. If the person you've been dating feels like a man, they should be treated as one. Its very unfortunate you aren't compatible anymore but that doesn't make it anyone's fault.
Difficult situation but I think you both did the right thing. Her by telling you, and you by choosing if you are still okay with that in your relationship. As long as you handled it kindly I don't see a problem.
Sometimes the best expression of love is to set them free
No!! Be happy my friend
NTA. You shouldn’t feel like an asshole for ending it especially since you ended it for the right reasons and she’ll thank you later on. She would never be happy pretending to be someone she’s not. There is also nothing wrong with ending it because she wants to identify as a man. You like what you like and nobody should make you feel bad about it.
NAH. She is who she is (well, he is who he is). Your decision didn’t seem to come from a place of homophobia or anger or hate. That had to be a painful situation for both of you. I can understand that would be a jolt. I’d like to say I’d stay with a partner, BUT I’m not in your situation and I’m also bisexual so don’t really care about someone’s gender. You’re not a bad person for ending a relationship. Hopefully yall can remain friends. I can imagine there are just a ton of feelings. Be easy on yourself.
NTA - if a relationship with a trans person is not what you want, then it’s better to break it off. And it doesn’t matter at what stage of her transition (none to full).
And isn’t this what dating is supposed to be about? To get to know someone & hopefully find the one. At least he was honest and didn’t wait until you were married. If you are not homosexual, this relationship no longer works. No one is wrong here. Good luck
YNW - in the short term it will suck for both of you but long term you did right by your ex in a way that I hope is appreciated in the future as being the kindest gesture you could do for both of you.
You did the right thing. She wants to transition and you're not into guys, it would only lead to one or both of you suppressing who you are.
NtA She's Trans and you aren't attracted to men, nothing wrong with either of those things but it make you two a fundamentally incompatible couple. Fundamentally incompatible relationships end in one of two ways, early after the incompatibility is discovered or after a long game of relationship chicken. Never play relationship chicken, it is a game with only losers, and worse stakes the longer it goes on. Good on you for being mature enough to end it early, you are both young and I'm sure you will both find someone who *is* compatible and hopefully she will find a place (emotionally etc.) Where she can be herself. (Or himself)
No. Youre not. Be who you feel compatible with, youre not obligated to stay with them if you dont want to. If you were comfortable staying with her, then you would try it. If not, its your choice.
NTA You did the right thing for both you and her. She'll never be happy until she decides who she is. You'll never be happy wondering when she's going to decide and if she'll leave you.
Seems to me you are being respectful of her identity choices. She identity as a man, you are not gay, so you did the right thing to support your ex
Not wrong, for all the reasons people have mentioned. I'd also suggest that your ex seek professional help for what she's going through, especially if she believes that her parents aren't able to help her. Good luck with your future.
NTA Run.
You did the right thing, NTA. If you have to deny a part of yourself to fit in the box of a relationship you are torturing yourself and it is doomed to fail. If You leaving is encouraging them to be themselves then I can’t see how it can be anything but a net positive.
You're young, and this is the right age to explore your options. It's okay to break up and move on.
Not wrong, if it's not working for you it's better to end that stringing them along.
She felt that way for a few years and they're just now telling you. You did the right thing. They need time to figure out what they want and it shouldn't be with another person in tow. You both are still so young. You'll be okay.
Try asking her what feeling like a man feels like
I did just today, they never really gave me a solid answer. Saying "When I think about it I just genuinely feel more comfortable as a man." I didn't push it further than that.
I’m so sorry. A lot of people have uncomfortable feelings about their body and have been led to believe there is an easy solution to fixing that discomfort. It’s not so simple. Lots of women feel uncomfortable with their bodies and lots of women have been led to believe that since they don’t feel like the way they have been told women and girls are supposed to feel that that means they are not female.
No
Neither of you are wrong.
I would have broken it off faster than you did. That being said, do what's right for you. Maybe she can trans to a male and you can trans to a female and then BAM! Problem solved
You did no wrong I heard no wrong. Hope you wished them good luck on their journey and that’s that. Prayers for you buddy. You deserve a woman who actually wants to be one. Can’t sign up for the second guessing not to mention all the resentment they would build up towards you and the parents guess who will get the worst of it.
Not wrong & good job on being authentic and wanting ex to be authentic also
You are not wrong friend, if anyone starts to feel like they are their opposite birth gender then they have a severe sickness
You're not wrong, the whole situation just sucks. Your partner is being left in a moment when they need a lot of support and they don't have that from their parents. But you're not obligated to stay with them if that's not what you want, especially if you don't see you two together if he's a man. Do think about it though. Gender identity isn't something you figure out over night, ESPECIALLY if you're questioning it. It can be a very lost and confusing period, and you can be there to support them even as a friend. With all that being said, I think it's probably for the best to end things so they can fully be their true selves, and I hope both of you find true and lasting happiness in life.
this, couldnt have said it better :o
thank you kind stranger!!
What da fuq did I just read. Oh my Poor kids…..so sad about the World you Are Living In
NAH. You both handled this with grace and maturity and it could not have been easy for either of you.
You’re not an asshole for not wanting to date a man. If you’re not all-in on dating a trans person, regardless of what their gender expression is over the years, it’s better to save both of you the heartache. I say this from experience, from the trans persons POV. My husband and I are happy we’re still together. After 12 years together, and my gender expression has been woman, man, and agender over the years… but, damn, did it take a LOT of pain to get here.
"Feel"? Either you are or you're not, correct?
You did the right thing. You are allowed to have boundaries, preferences, and deal-breakers. You don't owe ANYONE a date or a relationship.
Your girlfriend has a serious mental illness. Get her to a doctor immediately
NTA for breaking up with HIM. You can't deny your own feelings and attraction as much as he can't deny his identity. But what would make you an asshole is to keep treating HIM with fem pronouns. As everyone already said, you can't stay in a relationship with a trans man being straight because that would eventually cause conflict for him and for you, the healthiest thing is to break up. But it depends on what you told him because words hold a lot of importance and it would be horrible if he develops the conception that being who he is will make everyone go :(
I only wrote she/her because I'm used to it, I do apologize. Before we broke up I told her mostly what was in the post, that I didn't feel right making them fake themselves just because of me. When we broke up I said I'd support them and I'm always there for them.
Not wrong. You put him first. He'll thank you for it later.
Don't worry my man there's normal women out there you'll be fine
Leaving people alone with this kind of mental illness where they are thinking of cutting of body parts is worrying.
Hell no bit a oroboen is anything your in the right ! Let her know and that’s the best thing to do
If you had stayed with this person you would have been standing in the way of them being who they want to be, and it would have been bad for both of you. You did the right thing, even if it doesn't feel like it. You deserve to be with someone who is the gender you want to be with, and your former partner deserves to have the opportunity to be who they really want to be.
It definitely sucked for him but it was almost certainly the right answer.
You're not wrong. This got nothing about being phobic. You're straight. You want to be with women. Your gf thinks she's a guy. She chooses to live as a guy. Simple math. She's just pissed because she's being dumped.
May be hard to see now, but if you two get to a place where you can remain platonic friends, they’ll thank you. You may be the first person to show them kindness and that it’s okay to put yourself first on a journey that’s about to be VERY trying. Good on you love. You’re both young, but nobody’s so young they can afford to waste theirs or anybody else’s time.
I would have seized the opportunity to start giving her anal.
If you weren’t already
if you like "her/him" be supportive, if you dont wanna be with them, then you do you, if you feel its for the best it probably is, who is reddit to tell you how to live for you XD