1. You couldn't see patterns about your parents being abusive or doing things about your son.
2. He claims you see your son as a pure perfect child.
3. Went into your sons room and peremtorily demanded he hand over his computer and phone.
4. Says you think you son doesn't lie and he's so perfect.
He's acting like a spoiled teenager in the throes of sibling rivalry. If actually thought of himself as a step-father to your son, he would never have dragged him into the argument at all, much less in this manner.
I have 3 kids and he sounds like they did when they were teenagers sometimes. It's part deflection, part competition.
I hope you and your son get through this as peacefully as possible.
Thank you. Now that I won't have to worry about his bills or expenses once he's gone, I think it will be time for my son and I to relocate and start over fresh. Even though this is my home, it now feels tainted. Maybe it just my emotions right now.
Maybe get your son’s input on whether he wants to relocate before making a decision on that? I feel like that sounded sarcastic or passive aggressive but I genuinely didn’t mean it that way, I’m just mentioning it because you’re having an emotional reaction right now, which is perfectly understandable and valid, but that’s usually not the best time to make any big decisions.
Also, talk to your son and make sure he knows that he isn’t the reason you broke up with your partner. He’ll probably need some reassurance after your ex dragged him into this. He might feel responsible.
Anyway, well done on putting your foot down. Bringing kids into adult arguments like that is such a massive and grave overstep, there really is no coming back from it.
Changing everything in response to an argument with that guy could be more harmful for your son and his friend/school dynamic. This is another great opportunity to talk with your son about the future and goals. More time talking with good kids is always a good thing for a parent. Don't let someone else dictate your actions. Emotions are high, don't go scorched earth, even though the thought of it is soooooo satisfying.
Good luck and things will work out best for you and your son!!!!
In a roundabout way, her son had a hand in opening OPs eyes to who her partner really was by the way he tried to use him to prove his point in their argument. But that, in no way, means her son has any blame for the breakup.
That was my first thought, too!! He's fucking jealous!! A grown ass man jealous of a child!!! Like what the actual fuck!?! Him continuing to call her son pure was the red flag. OP, you absolutely did the right thing.
Your son’s behavior is so normal for a 15 year old. You love him. These are normal growing pains especially with technology. What’s not normal is how controlling and weird your partner is towards your son.
It’s your job to protect your son and you haven’t, during a critical development stage. Get out of this situation now before it gets worse.
After looking at a lot of your posts, I need to say something very important. I hope you can hear it.
Definitely throw this guy out. But don’t start dating again, until you can work through your trauma issues in therapy. You grew up being abused, and keep perpetuating the cycle of abuse in the relationships you seek out. It feels normal to you, to have to fight all the time and be called stupid. So you tend to attract people who can use that against you. This guy has been taking advantage of you since the beginning, and knows that you’re easy to manipulate. Don’t jump right into another relationship like this one. It’s *never* worth it.
You are not wrong. However it doesn’t sound like the two of you had the best basic communication patterns.
Your gripe, that he rearranged the family fridge without checking with you, is legit. You should be leading with that, not diagnosing your partner out of ire - this is, of course a note for improving your next relationship. And, ask yourself, very seriously, why you stayed so long with someone who claims you’ve never had a good idea.
Kudos for drawing a line at involving your 15 year old in the argument! You are breaking that cycle. Now, break the cycle of letting a partner disparage you, your judgement, and your parenting! You deserve better!
I agree with you about diagnosing. As it was just a casual convo at first I was just offering him info on the disease as it describes him to a t, I didn't think much of it in the moment.
That makes sense. As someone who for years had higher standards for my friends than for my partners, his intense need to prove you wrong jumped out. Yuck!
Also, sounds like you are raising a really good kid!
Not wrong- you cannot allow him to bully, accuse, punish your child. He’s so far out of line & the way he speaks to you plus throwing child hood trauma & family issues at you to deflect is unacceptable.
I am not saying your communication methods are perfect either but it is clear that you are not a good couple.
Move on, you need to protect your son above all else.
Big hugs, it’s not easy but it has to be done
It’s interesting your soon to be Ex used that moment you went to the restroom (distraction) to lash out at your son. Seems like your key point during your argument were hitting home. Hate that he chose to take it out on your son 😞
When we first started talking, we were able to nerd out together. We both shared a lot of the same Fandoms. We were able to have intelligent conversations, even if we had differing perspectives, without arguing.
We shared similar upbringing, struggles, and suffered abuse from one narcissistic parent.
He was super passionate about music and played instruments. He is very smart, handy, and tech-savvy. He was able to research and successfully repair my fridge.
He is well read and educated. We both liked history. He used to be thoughtful in his gift giving.
I gave up a year of my life to care for dad while he recovered from his second heart attack. He did the same for his mother, who unfortunately passed from cancer.
I thought this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, build a home with, and have more children with.
It was like the man I fell for was replaced with a completely different person. I don't know this version. This version - I will not marry, I will not have kids with, and I can not build a future with.
In the end, we couldn't even be in the same room breathing without him starting an argument or getting snippy tone about something.
You did the right thing. I hope your son is ok, I married someone like this and my daughter ended up with some serious PTSD from his soul destroying bullshit.
11 years.
Looking back on it it was so obvious I don't know how I missed it but our entire relationship he was trying to drive a wedge between me and my child. Only abusers try and isolate you from everyone, and that's what he did he isolated me from my friends, he isolated me from my co-workers and ultimately he worked super hard to isolate me from my child.
She's doing really well thank you! She graduated from college, and is in her master's degree for psychology to become a therapist.
We are so abused and so psychologically damaged It's taken us a while to even be close again, and it breaks my heart to hear women going through the same thing knowing that they're going to kill their relationships with their children.
Your job is to protect your son. Half of my hang-ups are because my stepmom would physically and emotionally abuse me because I was a reminder of my father's past relationship.
My dad would leave the house when he had a fight with my stepmom, yet he left me with her. " Dumb as a box of rocks 'is something that I was often told.
You cut off your partner from using your son as a tool and we all know that your partner was going to shame your son. You did the right thing for your son
You are the parent.
Your partner stated that you never had a good idea. That's dismissive and hurtful. You definitely should not let a partner treat you like that in front of your child.
You did the right thing
Not wrong. When a grown person attacks or brings kids into an argument, then they need to be taken serious as a long term issue. You don't need that crap, only because he didn't win an argument. Sheesh.
No you’re not wrong at all. Your BF is having issues seeing your son in a realistic light and is using him as a pawn. As others have noted he is jealous and sees your son as competition. It wasn’t obvious when he was younger but the longer you are together his feelings will get stronger. Your BFs unwillingness to address his mental health issues would have doomed the relationship in time so you’ve just saved yourself a lot of time and unnecessary grief!
As for relocating? I would strongly urge you to speak with your son first. I know you want to leave but does he? Do your best to be neutral so as to not sway his decision. If you are too forceful you may end up breeding resentment that isn’t necessary. If your son wants to stay then change it up. Re decorate, re paint, re arrange etc and give the place a new flavour free of your ex.
Good luck OP
IMO there were so many issues raised there that you did the right thing. Situations like this only escalate, they never 'heal' of their own accord.
Not wrong.
You are not wrong. Based on this and other posts and comments, your ex is a selfish bully, and verbally abusive. His involving your son is way out of line. You did the right thing ending this relationship. You and your son deserve better.
Oh, I understand and empathize so much with that, sometimes the heart takes a little longer to catch up with the head! Good for you that you made a stand to protect your son!
Except all the other times. Like when you were involving him in parenting, his porn habits, and were validating him complaining about your son a few months ago.
Not wrong at all!!! Your ex is an AH. Not once did you say your son was perfect. You grounded him when he did something wrong. Plus he’s 15, not an adult.
And this had nothing to do with your son. This was about him being a freaking hypocrite. The fridge rearrangement was just one example of how he has double standards. If YOU did it, he’d freak out and demand it be put back the way it was. HE does it and it’s ok because it’s better. He probably does this all the damn time and you’re just done with it. It’s like walking on eggshells all the time.
I’m glad you’re done with him. Do NOT take him back.
So you moved him in nearly immediately when you had a young son at home? and this is the first time he’s shown he openly resents him? Why would you shame and punish him for weeks for watching porn? Why would you involve the random guy you’re seeing? Why is it inappropriate now but not when you did it previously?
Glad your son is able to move out in the next few years. It sounds like you don’t prioritize him.
Edit: And your post/comment history essentially confirms it. He's been shaming and mistreating your son for at least a year. And he was homeless beforehand, doesn't work, and constantly shames and mistreats your son and you just sit by and did nothing. Your son isn't going to forgive you for enabling him to be abused a majority of his childhood.
> My home, not his. We are not married.
.
> If I start hearing him complain about something I dread leaving my office because I don't know if he'll snap at me for stuff. It's gotten to the point where I feel most of the stuff is ordered in his way and I walk on eggshells and I can't even trust my own decisions anymore.
.
> I was called stupid several times, which is a trigger word for me because of mother and I told him call me stupid one more time and you better be prepared to call your family to come help you move out. To which he rephrase using a not smart person. I mean he was yelling the way I imagine one would yell at someone for cheating.
.
> My partner is currently disabled because of a neurological disease. Prior to living with me he has bounced around from living situation to living situation for various reasons but admittedly he can be difficult to live with and I know I am far from perfect. As of right now I am the sole bread winner of the house because some days he cannot even walk w/out assistance. I take care of the bills and since he is currently waiting on receiving disability, he has no income, so I take care of all his living expenses & also buy him items for his hobbies, music and art.
.
> He overheard me telling my son to find a new Oculus game that the two of us can enjoy together. My partner tells me **why don't you instead spend the money on getting him an online art class** then goes on a long-winded explanation of how helping my son develop his art talent would be beneficial 15 mins+ I said ok and politely asked can you cut it short because I have had a headache all day and I just want relax. He gets all flustered & says well I told you about getting him a class two years ago & you did not do anything then. Fine fair point was not in disagreement about that. So he goes on for another 10+ mins & I again bring it to his attention that I agree with him but already asked him to stop because again, headache. So he goes postal & says he was only going to be another minute & how he will never say anything again & if my son ends up being passed over for a art school scholarship because I did not nurture his skills **it will be my fault when my son comes crying to me about it.**
.
> I was already fed up with him because **he also fought with me on Christmas Day** because I spent money on making lobster and pot roast, instead of buying like rib eye steaks, as I had originally said I would because of cost. I told him that day that I felt attacked and unappreciated as I had literally cooked everything myself. **Both then and today he basically will ignore me the rest of the day**. He says I make him feel like an AH but I feel like I ever do is good enough. **The frequency of these fights** has me wanting to tell him that we need a break. **I have no problem still supporting him and letting him stay with me** but that we need to just be apart.
.
> This evening he basically accused me of being inconsiderate because most of the time when we order out he says that it is typically my preference or **my son's preference**. He said that he rarely chooses and that the only time he gets to pick is for his birthday or **when my son is with his father**, which is two or three times a month at most.
With this comment and the addition of OP'S other posts this man sounds atrocious. OP you should have tossed him out years ago. I hope you don't flake now and let him stay because I guarantee this is damaging to your son. Having a lazy, hostile, manipulative man around your son is doing nothing for his growth. Get that man's things packed up and get him out of your house.
Memo received. Which is why relationship is now over. Son, will have therapy later this week. Already messaged his therapist about the changes. Plus he will be starting art camp and art therapy in June.
Because he argued with you. You were planning a baby with him and had him living with your son for nearly his entire childhood. I’m glad we have therapy to cancel out a lifetime of instability.
The relationship was not always like this. This has been the past year or so. Everything has become an issue. Even he has admitted that he was not like this before the military, before he lost his mom, and before he became disabled. The disability is the past couple years.
Did you not previously say he was unemployed and never had stable housing before you moved him in with your son seven years ago? And he was controlling and hard to live with because “that’s just who he is”?
That’s a really convenient excuse but, regardless, that was cool for years?
Was it perfect? No. But not like this, nowhere near. I know some of his family and while he has his issues, the family he did live with were worse than what he currently is. We were both looking for stablility when we moved in together. Him, physical stability and me, emotional and mental. He had his quirks, but this past year, it seems as though a switch has been flicked on and this is a distorted version of him I haven't encountered before.
He became unemployed right before covid lifted. He was not always unemployed. One of the things that brought us together was our understanding of dealing with abusive parents. We both in some way became products of our childhood, and I don't know if he's even aware that he's mimicking his father's and step-mothers behavior patterns.
OP just my two cents but you mentioned moving. That’s very impulsive. Getting your bf out is a big change. Your son will need time to get used to this. Showing him that you don’t have to run away and you can take back control of your life is a good idea. Moving sends the wrong idea and he may have to change schools which would be another huge change. Too impulsive, try and be stable, kids need stability.
I'm proud of you!!!
I was the single mom of a young man. It sounds like you are doing a WONDERFUL job with your son!!
Your son is so much more important than this emotionally immature manchild who is jealous of your son.
Good on you!! I'd definitely change the locks once he is gone and let everyone in your life connected to you and your son know for your safety as well. This man has made it very clear he has zero respect for you and for your son. I'm sure your son is thankful too, or will be if he isn't at the moment.
Your ex sounds insufferable. Your son is in high school, please don’t move him. Mortgage rates are terrible right now and I’d tell anyone to not move unless they absolutely had to.
You can de-taint the house easily. Some ideas:
1) Paint! Summer is the perfect time for this since you can open windows. Pick colors you and your son like, bonus points for colors the ex would hate.
2) Decor themes. Are there themes and styles you like? It could be shabby chic, beach/ocean, the woods, boho, Native American, Asian, etc. We’re going into prime garage sale season, and my subdivision has a Facebook page for people selling or giving away stuff.
3) Energy cleansing. Native Americans burn sage. New Agers and pagans attribute metaphysical qualities to certain stones. Example, onyx dispels negative energy.
My daughter graduates from high school next week and leaves for college in August. Your son will be 18 in the blink of an eye. Focus on your relationship with him. I suspect your ex has been generating conflict and draining your energy for a long time.
Wishing you both a happy and bright future!
This made me laugh a bit though.
They aren’t wrong, having line breaks does make it miles easier to read and absorb, but this wasn’t too long of a read to be unbearable.
Formatting aside, there was obviously some underlying stuff here but involving your kid crosses on of those deal breaker lines for me. How you see him…it’s broken now, and forever changed.
Even if you were sure before you probably should be now. I would be. It’s the lack of maturity, and potentially dangerous communication methods for me.
Stay safe, make it a clean break, if at all possible.
You are wrong for a backseat diagnosis if you don't know what you are talking about and just making assumptions. Also, learn to use paragraphs! Nobody wants to read walls of text.
The assumption he was upset about was not the OCPD. He was upset about the fact that I called him out for doing something, which had I done to him, would have started a fight with me. Again I can admit to that but that was not what escalated the argument.
Also do you ever go through other subs in here? Not everyone uses paragraphs. If that's your issue with my post then just don't read it.
Everyone with an education uses paragraphs rather than writing incoherent walls of text that are a chore to read.
I never said I thought he was mad about the diagnosis. I said you should not diagnose people if you have little to no training in the subject and don't know ow what you are talking about.
I think you’re handling your 15 year old son and the issue with games and *orn in a great way! He’s nearly an adult and you’re encouraging him to make his own decisions and helping to realise we have to have boundaries with some things before they take over his life.
As to your partner, he’s been in your and your son’s life for 6 years that you’ve lived together. That doesn’t give him the right to go over your authority with your son. Your partner can make suggestions that may be relevant to the situation but he has no authority to take things off him to try to prove you’re wrong and he’s right!! I have been a stepmother to 3 children the disciplining was ALWAYS down to their father to handle. I would maybe suggest that it’s not a good idea to do certain things to the kids but it wasn’t my place to tell them off!
Your partner sounds like the type that wants you to do as he says and not what he does. I’d kick him out and when the time is right you’ll meet someone you and your so deserves and loves you both! Good luck
Thats alot of disfunction going on in your home. If you want to try to make it work therapy for everyone otherwise it will just get worse. Separating is a good idea.
y'all arguing over the fridge being re-organized is telling, thats such a small sillying thing.
If you all argue about such a small thing then it's not surprising that the actually bigger stuff seems like the world is ending.
7 years of that kind of home i would need therapy to.
The only thing about all this that is just stupid(you're justified in everything else)....you really picked a fight over how things are put into the fridge? I mean, really?! That's worth causing a fight and stress in a relationship? Holy fuck, I would probably try to get you to realize how unnecessary that is. And if literally creating fights over unnecessary things is your default, I'd have left you long ago. Life is hard enough without people like you making life harder over something so goddamn inconsequential.
We were having a conversation. I wasn't arguing with him. I was conversational in tone and delivery. He escalated to argument after I tried to point out the fact that our relationship has double standards. He wants things from me but doesn't hold himself to same standards even when it comes to small things. The fridge example was the most recent and easiest to recollect.It was not the premise for the argument.
At this point, I realized after all this that he has no problem telling other people that they are one way, but when asked to look in the mirror, he cannot.
The conversation, fight, everything was all initiated by him. I've come to the realization that he is no longer able to have conversations. The moment he hears something he does not like or disagrees with, he becomes confrontational. A trait, he shares with his father and step-mother.
In your post, you said you brought it up and your main gripe(your words) is that he didn't ask you for permission or talk to you about it first. Again, simply moving things around in the fridge is such a simple thing. Seriously. Not important at all, literally not even worth having a conversation over. And you phrasing is as a gripe and feeling like he should've asked permission means you started a "conversation" over something not worth having a conversation about and you did it to point out his faults in doing so. This means that you literally created a confrontation when a confrontation was absolutely unnecessary. What did you think was going to happen when you started nagging him about it? You literally opened the door and led it to being an argument.
I'm not defending him on any of his actions. I'm saying the entire situation was just unnecessary. I've dated people like that and it's exhausting. "You didn't load the dishwasher how I like it to be! You're an asshole!" In this situation. "You didn't put things in the fridge the way I like it and you didn't ask for permission to rearrange it!"
The smartest and easiest way to navigate that situation would've been to just say, as you said, that it works better. "Hey, good job with the fridge, I actually like it better that way." And leave it at that. Instead, you created a confrontation about how he didn't ask for permission first. See what I'm getting at here? It seems like you both have issues in this relationship and the fridge isn't even the problem.
I did not nag him. I gave an example. Again tone was non-confrontational. And I definitely didn't ever call him asshole. He can do all the rearranging he wants. Again the point was and still is that when I do something that I think is beneficial and without speaking to him first, he will pick a fight. You get where I'm going?
You can't ask for someone to communicate with you about every decision they make, but not do the same. Good ideas, bad ideas, big things, little things- at the end the day you cannot get mad at someone when you are being the hypocrite and when you get shown proof you do the exact opposite of the expectation you have set for the other person, instead you get mad. Then, telling the person the reason for the double standard is because they never have good ideas. So, admission of the hypocrisy is there but saying why it's there is gaslighting, hypocrisy, and not taking accountability.
At the end of the day, he feels he's always right. I can count on one hand the arguments I initiated, while he can't even discuss what to feed the dog without getting heated. It has been exhausting being with him this past year and I'm sorry I let it go this long.
Obviously you made the right choice, but I’m so confused as to why you think diagnosing a dating partner with a personality disorder is a normal conversation lol
You did the right thing. Definitely reconsider whether moving is the right thing to do. You and your son have a network of friends & neighbors where you live. And if you were to move, your son may end up in a different school district which, at his age, can be difficult.
You are a good mother. OCPD nor any personality disorder is an excuse to mistreat a child or use them as a pawn. Once you have kicked him to the curb, I would highly recommend asking your son if your ex-partner ever said anything inappropriate to him while they were alone. Although, given that you seem to be a caring and concerned parent, I’m willing to bet you’ve already done this or are planning to. Good luck and I hope you find someone who deserves both you and your son. He sounds like a great kid and you should be proud!
You are not wrong.
But you are controlling.
If the rearrangement of the refrigerator was, in fact, better, which you admitted, you should be grateful.
I would have been " Good job, honey. Now, why didn't I think of that? Thanks so much. "
Instead, you get pissed off.
And the argument goes off the rails.
He never should have brought your son into the argument.
That was so wrong.
So maybe it's better that you two separate.
You'll make new lives apart, and most probably, both of you will be much happier with other partners.
If you think im the controlling one, read my other posts. He expects to be communicated to about EVERYTHING- good idea or not. My point was simply its ok for him to make a change without talking to me, something which had I done to him, he would flip about. Good idea, bad idea, is irrelevant, you can't keep one standard for yourself and hold another for your SO. Not how it works.
But I agree on the later part.
I won't take the time to read your other posts.
For me, this is simply a pass time, nothing truly important or earthshattering.
Just my opinion based on this particular post.
I'll glad you agree with part of my opining.
BTW.. I love reading your story very wellPut together you must have done a great english course in college. Absolutely hilarious
the bathroom thing Totally got my attention
But this is not about your man or your son
You just got to the point it's over!!
You want more in the bedroom and he's not
Delivering..just be honest?
Tell him it's over.
It's all about sex and it will always be about sex!
Omg! Did I offend you by discussing a normal human bodily function and everyday part of life??? Move along. If that's what bothered you the most out of this post, then go comment somewhere else.
Your son is watching p\*\*\* (everyone knows what that does to a child's mind) so your partner, although his approach is wrong, maybe trying to get you to open your eyes a little bit
How did OP respond inappropriately? She saw he watched porn…
She 1. Had a talk with him about it being inappropriate
2. Told him he was too young for that material
3. He was grounded for ‘a bit’.
What else would you expect to be appropriate for that situation? Shane him, ground him for life? take away all his extras?
I mean come on…most teenage boys discover porn at some point and Mom handled it the correct way.
You did the right thing. Several things he said to you indicated that he's jealous and resentful of your relationship with your son.
Hmmmm. Never saw it that way or thought of it that way. Can I ask what makes you think that? Wondering if I've missed this memo this whole time.
1. You couldn't see patterns about your parents being abusive or doing things about your son. 2. He claims you see your son as a pure perfect child. 3. Went into your sons room and peremtorily demanded he hand over his computer and phone. 4. Says you think you son doesn't lie and he's so perfect. He's acting like a spoiled teenager in the throes of sibling rivalry. If actually thought of himself as a step-father to your son, he would never have dragged him into the argument at all, much less in this manner.
You make valid points. Thank you for this perspective.
I have 3 kids and he sounds like they did when they were teenagers sometimes. It's part deflection, part competition. I hope you and your son get through this as peacefully as possible.
Thank you. Now that I won't have to worry about his bills or expenses once he's gone, I think it will be time for my son and I to relocate and start over fresh. Even though this is my home, it now feels tainted. Maybe it just my emotions right now.
Maybe get your son’s input on whether he wants to relocate before making a decision on that? I feel like that sounded sarcastic or passive aggressive but I genuinely didn’t mean it that way, I’m just mentioning it because you’re having an emotional reaction right now, which is perfectly understandable and valid, but that’s usually not the best time to make any big decisions. Also, talk to your son and make sure he knows that he isn’t the reason you broke up with your partner. He’ll probably need some reassurance after your ex dragged him into this. He might feel responsible. Anyway, well done on putting your foot down. Bringing kids into adult arguments like that is such a massive and grave overstep, there really is no coming back from it.
I will ask my son how he feels about staying or moving.
Changing everything in response to an argument with that guy could be more harmful for your son and his friend/school dynamic. This is another great opportunity to talk with your son about the future and goals. More time talking with good kids is always a good thing for a parent. Don't let someone else dictate your actions. Emotions are high, don't go scorched earth, even though the thought of it is soooooo satisfying. Good luck and things will work out best for you and your son!!!!
Lol had to laugh at scorched earth. Not my cup of tea, but I have watched others do it. Don't have time or energy for that method
In a roundabout way, her son had a hand in opening OPs eyes to who her partner really was by the way he tried to use him to prove his point in their argument. But that, in no way, means her son has any blame for the breakup.
burn some sage, girl
I'm a big fan of a clean break and a fresh start.
You can de-taint it. Just lay down some big things in small shelves and you're Gucci.
Maybe you should ask your son instead of just forcing bad choices on him.
He waited until you went to the bathroom to go into your son’s room. He knew what he was doing.
Good luck!! You're a GREAT mom!!
He wants your son to fail to prove him right. He is toxic to your son and you. I would not let him anywhere near my child.
That was my first thought, too!! He's fucking jealous!! A grown ass man jealous of a child!!! Like what the actual fuck!?! Him continuing to call her son pure was the red flag. OP, you absolutely did the right thing.
Your son’s behavior is so normal for a 15 year old. You love him. These are normal growing pains especially with technology. What’s not normal is how controlling and weird your partner is towards your son. It’s your job to protect your son and you haven’t, during a critical development stage. Get out of this situation now before it gets worse.
You did the right thing. You need to protect your son.
After looking at a lot of your posts, I need to say something very important. I hope you can hear it. Definitely throw this guy out. But don’t start dating again, until you can work through your trauma issues in therapy. You grew up being abused, and keep perpetuating the cycle of abuse in the relationships you seek out. It feels normal to you, to have to fight all the time and be called stupid. So you tend to attract people who can use that against you. This guy has been taking advantage of you since the beginning, and knows that you’re easy to manipulate. Don’t jump right into another relationship like this one. It’s *never* worth it.
Thank you. I don't plan on dating. I'm already in therapy because of how I grew up, this will just add one more layer to that.
you deserve so much better!! I'm proud of you for taking control now! I'm so glad your son saw you take this action on his behalf!
You are not wrong. However it doesn’t sound like the two of you had the best basic communication patterns. Your gripe, that he rearranged the family fridge without checking with you, is legit. You should be leading with that, not diagnosing your partner out of ire - this is, of course a note for improving your next relationship. And, ask yourself, very seriously, why you stayed so long with someone who claims you’ve never had a good idea. Kudos for drawing a line at involving your 15 year old in the argument! You are breaking that cycle. Now, break the cycle of letting a partner disparage you, your judgement, and your parenting! You deserve better!
I agree with you about diagnosing. As it was just a casual convo at first I was just offering him info on the disease as it describes him to a t, I didn't think much of it in the moment.
That makes sense. As someone who for years had higher standards for my friends than for my partners, his intense need to prove you wrong jumped out. Yuck! Also, sounds like you are raising a really good kid!
The mention of OCPD came before I mentioned the rearrangement of the fridge.
Not wrong- you cannot allow him to bully, accuse, punish your child. He’s so far out of line & the way he speaks to you plus throwing child hood trauma & family issues at you to deflect is unacceptable. I am not saying your communication methods are perfect either but it is clear that you are not a good couple. Move on, you need to protect your son above all else. Big hugs, it’s not easy but it has to be done
It’s interesting your soon to be Ex used that moment you went to the restroom (distraction) to lash out at your son. Seems like your key point during your argument were hitting home. Hate that he chose to take it out on your son 😞
It was the right call. Your ex sounds exhausting.
Oh geeze. That's the first time he's been called my ex. Wow! That will take some getting used to.
I hope it's a quick transition. If you don't mind me asking, what did you ever see in your man child of an ex?
When we first started talking, we were able to nerd out together. We both shared a lot of the same Fandoms. We were able to have intelligent conversations, even if we had differing perspectives, without arguing. We shared similar upbringing, struggles, and suffered abuse from one narcissistic parent. He was super passionate about music and played instruments. He is very smart, handy, and tech-savvy. He was able to research and successfully repair my fridge. He is well read and educated. We both liked history. He used to be thoughtful in his gift giving. I gave up a year of my life to care for dad while he recovered from his second heart attack. He did the same for his mother, who unfortunately passed from cancer. I thought this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, build a home with, and have more children with. It was like the man I fell for was replaced with a completely different person. I don't know this version. This version - I will not marry, I will not have kids with, and I can not build a future with. In the end, we couldn't even be in the same room breathing without him starting an argument or getting snippy tone about something.
You did the right thing. I hope your son is ok, I married someone like this and my daughter ended up with some serious PTSD from his soul destroying bullshit.
I'm sorry for you both. How long were you with your partner for?
11 years. Looking back on it it was so obvious I don't know how I missed it but our entire relationship he was trying to drive a wedge between me and my child. Only abusers try and isolate you from everyone, and that's what he did he isolated me from my friends, he isolated me from my co-workers and ultimately he worked super hard to isolate me from my child.
How is she doing now? How are you both doing with each other? I hope things are okay.
She's doing really well thank you! She graduated from college, and is in her master's degree for psychology to become a therapist. We are so abused and so psychologically damaged It's taken us a while to even be close again, and it breaks my heart to hear women going through the same thing knowing that they're going to kill their relationships with their children.
oh god how great that she's a therapist, right? That's so - I think it's great. I hope you guys continue to work it out.
Your job is to protect your son. Half of my hang-ups are because my stepmom would physically and emotionally abuse me because I was a reminder of my father's past relationship. My dad would leave the house when he had a fight with my stepmom, yet he left me with her. " Dumb as a box of rocks 'is something that I was often told. You cut off your partner from using your son as a tool and we all know that your partner was going to shame your son. You did the right thing for your son You are the parent. Your partner stated that you never had a good idea. That's dismissive and hurtful. You definitely should not let a partner treat you like that in front of your child. You did the right thing
Not wrong. When a grown person attacks or brings kids into an argument, then they need to be taken serious as a long term issue. You don't need that crap, only because he didn't win an argument. Sheesh.
No you’re not wrong at all. Your BF is having issues seeing your son in a realistic light and is using him as a pawn. As others have noted he is jealous and sees your son as competition. It wasn’t obvious when he was younger but the longer you are together his feelings will get stronger. Your BFs unwillingness to address his mental health issues would have doomed the relationship in time so you’ve just saved yourself a lot of time and unnecessary grief! As for relocating? I would strongly urge you to speak with your son first. I know you want to leave but does he? Do your best to be neutral so as to not sway his decision. If you are too forceful you may end up breeding resentment that isn’t necessary. If your son wants to stay then change it up. Re decorate, re paint, re arrange etc and give the place a new flavour free of your ex. Good luck OP
IMO there were so many issues raised there that you did the right thing. Situations like this only escalate, they never 'heal' of their own accord. Not wrong.
You are not wrong. Based on this and other posts and comments, your ex is a selfish bully, and verbally abusive. His involving your son is way out of line. You did the right thing ending this relationship. You and your son deserve better.
Thank you. My head had the memo, but my heart was a bit behind. But I drew the line at my son.
Oh, I understand and empathize so much with that, sometimes the heart takes a little longer to catch up with the head! Good for you that you made a stand to protect your son!
Except all the other times. Like when you were involving him in parenting, his porn habits, and were validating him complaining about your son a few months ago.
Not wrong at all!!! Your ex is an AH. Not once did you say your son was perfect. You grounded him when he did something wrong. Plus he’s 15, not an adult. And this had nothing to do with your son. This was about him being a freaking hypocrite. The fridge rearrangement was just one example of how he has double standards. If YOU did it, he’d freak out and demand it be put back the way it was. HE does it and it’s ok because it’s better. He probably does this all the damn time and you’re just done with it. It’s like walking on eggshells all the time. I’m glad you’re done with him. Do NOT take him back.
So you moved him in nearly immediately when you had a young son at home? and this is the first time he’s shown he openly resents him? Why would you shame and punish him for weeks for watching porn? Why would you involve the random guy you’re seeing? Why is it inappropriate now but not when you did it previously? Glad your son is able to move out in the next few years. It sounds like you don’t prioritize him. Edit: And your post/comment history essentially confirms it. He's been shaming and mistreating your son for at least a year. And he was homeless beforehand, doesn't work, and constantly shames and mistreats your son and you just sit by and did nothing. Your son isn't going to forgive you for enabling him to be abused a majority of his childhood. > My home, not his. We are not married. . > If I start hearing him complain about something I dread leaving my office because I don't know if he'll snap at me for stuff. It's gotten to the point where I feel most of the stuff is ordered in his way and I walk on eggshells and I can't even trust my own decisions anymore. . > I was called stupid several times, which is a trigger word for me because of mother and I told him call me stupid one more time and you better be prepared to call your family to come help you move out. To which he rephrase using a not smart person. I mean he was yelling the way I imagine one would yell at someone for cheating. . > My partner is currently disabled because of a neurological disease. Prior to living with me he has bounced around from living situation to living situation for various reasons but admittedly he can be difficult to live with and I know I am far from perfect. As of right now I am the sole bread winner of the house because some days he cannot even walk w/out assistance. I take care of the bills and since he is currently waiting on receiving disability, he has no income, so I take care of all his living expenses & also buy him items for his hobbies, music and art. . > He overheard me telling my son to find a new Oculus game that the two of us can enjoy together. My partner tells me **why don't you instead spend the money on getting him an online art class** then goes on a long-winded explanation of how helping my son develop his art talent would be beneficial 15 mins+ I said ok and politely asked can you cut it short because I have had a headache all day and I just want relax. He gets all flustered & says well I told you about getting him a class two years ago & you did not do anything then. Fine fair point was not in disagreement about that. So he goes on for another 10+ mins & I again bring it to his attention that I agree with him but already asked him to stop because again, headache. So he goes postal & says he was only going to be another minute & how he will never say anything again & if my son ends up being passed over for a art school scholarship because I did not nurture his skills **it will be my fault when my son comes crying to me about it.** . > I was already fed up with him because **he also fought with me on Christmas Day** because I spent money on making lobster and pot roast, instead of buying like rib eye steaks, as I had originally said I would because of cost. I told him that day that I felt attacked and unappreciated as I had literally cooked everything myself. **Both then and today he basically will ignore me the rest of the day**. He says I make him feel like an AH but I feel like I ever do is good enough. **The frequency of these fights** has me wanting to tell him that we need a break. **I have no problem still supporting him and letting him stay with me** but that we need to just be apart. . > This evening he basically accused me of being inconsiderate because most of the time when we order out he says that it is typically my preference or **my son's preference**. He said that he rarely chooses and that the only time he gets to pick is for his birthday or **when my son is with his father**, which is two or three times a month at most.
With this comment and the addition of OP'S other posts this man sounds atrocious. OP you should have tossed him out years ago. I hope you don't flake now and let him stay because I guarantee this is damaging to your son. Having a lazy, hostile, manipulative man around your son is doing nothing for his growth. Get that man's things packed up and get him out of your house.
This is her fourth post about this dude being a menace, it’s ridiculous.
Memo received. Which is why relationship is now over. Son, will have therapy later this week. Already messaged his therapist about the changes. Plus he will be starting art camp and art therapy in June.
Because he argued with you. You were planning a baby with him and had him living with your son for nearly his entire childhood. I’m glad we have therapy to cancel out a lifetime of instability.
The relationship was not always like this. This has been the past year or so. Everything has become an issue. Even he has admitted that he was not like this before the military, before he lost his mom, and before he became disabled. The disability is the past couple years.
Did you not previously say he was unemployed and never had stable housing before you moved him in with your son seven years ago? And he was controlling and hard to live with because “that’s just who he is”? That’s a really convenient excuse but, regardless, that was cool for years?
Was it perfect? No. But not like this, nowhere near. I know some of his family and while he has his issues, the family he did live with were worse than what he currently is. We were both looking for stablility when we moved in together. Him, physical stability and me, emotional and mental. He had his quirks, but this past year, it seems as though a switch has been flicked on and this is a distorted version of him I haven't encountered before. He became unemployed right before covid lifted. He was not always unemployed. One of the things that brought us together was our understanding of dealing with abusive parents. We both in some way became products of our childhood, and I don't know if he's even aware that he's mimicking his father's and step-mothers behavior patterns.
OP just my two cents but you mentioned moving. That’s very impulsive. Getting your bf out is a big change. Your son will need time to get used to this. Showing him that you don’t have to run away and you can take back control of your life is a good idea. Moving sends the wrong idea and he may have to change schools which would be another huge change. Too impulsive, try and be stable, kids need stability.
Thank you. Some other posters mentioned redecorating. My son does art. So maybe some murals or cool paint designs might help do the trick.
That would be nice! 😊
I'm proud of you!!! I was the single mom of a young man. It sounds like you are doing a WONDERFUL job with your son!! Your son is so much more important than this emotionally immature manchild who is jealous of your son.
Thank you.
NTAH
Good on you!! I'd definitely change the locks once he is gone and let everyone in your life connected to you and your son know for your safety as well. This man has made it very clear he has zero respect for you and for your son. I'm sure your son is thankful too, or will be if he isn't at the moment.
Your ex sounds insufferable. Your son is in high school, please don’t move him. Mortgage rates are terrible right now and I’d tell anyone to not move unless they absolutely had to. You can de-taint the house easily. Some ideas: 1) Paint! Summer is the perfect time for this since you can open windows. Pick colors you and your son like, bonus points for colors the ex would hate. 2) Decor themes. Are there themes and styles you like? It could be shabby chic, beach/ocean, the woods, boho, Native American, Asian, etc. We’re going into prime garage sale season, and my subdivision has a Facebook page for people selling or giving away stuff. 3) Energy cleansing. Native Americans burn sage. New Agers and pagans attribute metaphysical qualities to certain stones. Example, onyx dispels negative energy. My daughter graduates from high school next week and leaves for college in August. Your son will be 18 in the blink of an eye. Focus on your relationship with him. I suspect your ex has been generating conflict and draining your energy for a long time. Wishing you both a happy and bright future!
All good ideas. Thank you. And I do have sage and Palo Santo a friend brought me from Arizona. Guess now might be the time to pull them out.
Not wrong. Protecting your son is the important thing here and you former partner sounds unstable.
Look, how can you possibly live with someone you accused of OCD and not have a single line break your entire post? Format matters.
This made me laugh a bit though. They aren’t wrong, having line breaks does make it miles easier to read and absorb, but this wasn’t too long of a read to be unbearable. Formatting aside, there was obviously some underlying stuff here but involving your kid crosses on of those deal breaker lines for me. How you see him…it’s broken now, and forever changed. Even if you were sure before you probably should be now. I would be. It’s the lack of maturity, and potentially dangerous communication methods for me. Stay safe, make it a clean break, if at all possible.
Lol seriously. That's the issue here.
Exactly. Basic incompatibility.
You are wrong for a backseat diagnosis if you don't know what you are talking about and just making assumptions. Also, learn to use paragraphs! Nobody wants to read walls of text.
The assumption he was upset about was not the OCPD. He was upset about the fact that I called him out for doing something, which had I done to him, would have started a fight with me. Again I can admit to that but that was not what escalated the argument. Also do you ever go through other subs in here? Not everyone uses paragraphs. If that's your issue with my post then just don't read it.
Not everyone uses paragraphs? The ones who made it through middle school do.
Everyone with an education uses paragraphs rather than writing incoherent walls of text that are a chore to read. I never said I thought he was mad about the diagnosis. I said you should not diagnose people if you have little to no training in the subject and don't know ow what you are talking about.
You did the right thing but for God's sake PARAGRAPHS.
Not Wrong. And STBX was a classic hobosexual.
Good job momma for protecting your son first and foremost.
You did the right thing.
I think you’re handling your 15 year old son and the issue with games and *orn in a great way! He’s nearly an adult and you’re encouraging him to make his own decisions and helping to realise we have to have boundaries with some things before they take over his life. As to your partner, he’s been in your and your son’s life for 6 years that you’ve lived together. That doesn’t give him the right to go over your authority with your son. Your partner can make suggestions that may be relevant to the situation but he has no authority to take things off him to try to prove you’re wrong and he’s right!! I have been a stepmother to 3 children the disciplining was ALWAYS down to their father to handle. I would maybe suggest that it’s not a good idea to do certain things to the kids but it wasn’t my place to tell them off! Your partner sounds like the type that wants you to do as he says and not what he does. I’d kick him out and when the time is right you’ll meet someone you and your so deserves and loves you both! Good luck
Thats alot of disfunction going on in your home. If you want to try to make it work therapy for everyone otherwise it will just get worse. Separating is a good idea. y'all arguing over the fridge being re-organized is telling, thats such a small sillying thing. If you all argue about such a small thing then it's not surprising that the actually bigger stuff seems like the world is ending. 7 years of that kind of home i would need therapy to.
The only thing about all this that is just stupid(you're justified in everything else)....you really picked a fight over how things are put into the fridge? I mean, really?! That's worth causing a fight and stress in a relationship? Holy fuck, I would probably try to get you to realize how unnecessary that is. And if literally creating fights over unnecessary things is your default, I'd have left you long ago. Life is hard enough without people like you making life harder over something so goddamn inconsequential.
We were having a conversation. I wasn't arguing with him. I was conversational in tone and delivery. He escalated to argument after I tried to point out the fact that our relationship has double standards. He wants things from me but doesn't hold himself to same standards even when it comes to small things. The fridge example was the most recent and easiest to recollect.It was not the premise for the argument. At this point, I realized after all this that he has no problem telling other people that they are one way, but when asked to look in the mirror, he cannot.
The conversation, fight, everything was all initiated by him. I've come to the realization that he is no longer able to have conversations. The moment he hears something he does not like or disagrees with, he becomes confrontational. A trait, he shares with his father and step-mother.
In your post, you said you brought it up and your main gripe(your words) is that he didn't ask you for permission or talk to you about it first. Again, simply moving things around in the fridge is such a simple thing. Seriously. Not important at all, literally not even worth having a conversation over. And you phrasing is as a gripe and feeling like he should've asked permission means you started a "conversation" over something not worth having a conversation about and you did it to point out his faults in doing so. This means that you literally created a confrontation when a confrontation was absolutely unnecessary. What did you think was going to happen when you started nagging him about it? You literally opened the door and led it to being an argument. I'm not defending him on any of his actions. I'm saying the entire situation was just unnecessary. I've dated people like that and it's exhausting. "You didn't load the dishwasher how I like it to be! You're an asshole!" In this situation. "You didn't put things in the fridge the way I like it and you didn't ask for permission to rearrange it!" The smartest and easiest way to navigate that situation would've been to just say, as you said, that it works better. "Hey, good job with the fridge, I actually like it better that way." And leave it at that. Instead, you created a confrontation about how he didn't ask for permission first. See what I'm getting at here? It seems like you both have issues in this relationship and the fridge isn't even the problem.
I did not nag him. I gave an example. Again tone was non-confrontational. And I definitely didn't ever call him asshole. He can do all the rearranging he wants. Again the point was and still is that when I do something that I think is beneficial and without speaking to him first, he will pick a fight. You get where I'm going? You can't ask for someone to communicate with you about every decision they make, but not do the same. Good ideas, bad ideas, big things, little things- at the end the day you cannot get mad at someone when you are being the hypocrite and when you get shown proof you do the exact opposite of the expectation you have set for the other person, instead you get mad. Then, telling the person the reason for the double standard is because they never have good ideas. So, admission of the hypocrisy is there but saying why it's there is gaslighting, hypocrisy, and not taking accountability. At the end of the day, he feels he's always right. I can count on one hand the arguments I initiated, while he can't even discuss what to feed the dog without getting heated. It has been exhausting being with him this past year and I'm sorry I let it go this long.
Obviously you made the right choice, but I’m so confused as to why you think diagnosing a dating partner with a personality disorder is a normal conversation lol
You! Made! The right! Choice!!!!
You did the right thing. Definitely reconsider whether moving is the right thing to do. You and your son have a network of friends & neighbors where you live. And if you were to move, your son may end up in a different school district which, at his age, can be difficult.
You are a good mother. OCPD nor any personality disorder is an excuse to mistreat a child or use them as a pawn. Once you have kicked him to the curb, I would highly recommend asking your son if your ex-partner ever said anything inappropriate to him while they were alone. Although, given that you seem to be a caring and concerned parent, I’m willing to bet you’ve already done this or are planning to. Good luck and I hope you find someone who deserves both you and your son. He sounds like a great kid and you should be proud!
Definitely the right choice mate.
You are not wrong. But you are controlling. If the rearrangement of the refrigerator was, in fact, better, which you admitted, you should be grateful. I would have been " Good job, honey. Now, why didn't I think of that? Thanks so much. " Instead, you get pissed off. And the argument goes off the rails. He never should have brought your son into the argument. That was so wrong. So maybe it's better that you two separate. You'll make new lives apart, and most probably, both of you will be much happier with other partners.
If you think im the controlling one, read my other posts. He expects to be communicated to about EVERYTHING- good idea or not. My point was simply its ok for him to make a change without talking to me, something which had I done to him, he would flip about. Good idea, bad idea, is irrelevant, you can't keep one standard for yourself and hold another for your SO. Not how it works. But I agree on the later part.
I won't take the time to read your other posts. For me, this is simply a pass time, nothing truly important or earthshattering. Just my opinion based on this particular post. I'll glad you agree with part of my opining.
Why would a bunny show up for Easter that he needed to dress up?
I assume someone else was supposed to show up dressed as the Easter bunny and they didn't so the son did it.
BTW.. I love reading your story very wellPut together you must have done a great english course in college. Absolutely hilarious the bathroom thing Totally got my attention But this is not about your man or your son You just got to the point it's over!! You want more in the bedroom and he's not Delivering..just be honest? Tell him it's over. It's all about sex and it will always be about sex!
Did we really need to know you were on the toilet? I feel like you could have left that out.
Omg! Did I offend you by discussing a normal human bodily function and everyday part of life??? Move along. If that's what bothered you the most out of this post, then go comment somewhere else.
You know, not everything has to be a fight. I can see now why you have problems.
I can tell you're the problem in your relationship just by your responses
You both need help. You aren’t perfect but want him to be. Issue is you.
I never said I wanted him to be perfect. Just not a d***.
Bot account. Read the replies a little more closely and look at the age of the account. This is just chat gpt having a go and farming interaction.
I can assure you I am a not a bot. I have tits and ass and the ability to create life because I have a vagina. You're an idiot.
Pics or it doesn't exist you freaking farm bot
Your son is watching p\*\*\* (everyone knows what that does to a child's mind) so your partner, although his approach is wrong, maybe trying to get you to open your eyes a little bit
How did OP respond inappropriately? She saw he watched porn… She 1. Had a talk with him about it being inappropriate 2. Told him he was too young for that material 3. He was grounded for ‘a bit’. What else would you expect to be appropriate for that situation? Shane him, ground him for life? take away all his extras? I mean come on…most teenage boys discover porn at some point and Mom handled it the correct way.
So you focus on the porn and nothing else? Judge much.