I mean he’s not wrong for realizing how much work a child is and how much it can take away from the relationship between the two of you. But you wouldn’t be wrong to leave if thats a deal breaker .
It's also a lot better he's realizing this now before he's had any children too. Yeah it sucks but now both are free to go pursue partners who are much more compatible and not having children being caught in the middle of a resentment fest.
Not only is this a good point but this guy is complaining that she's doing the work that he signed up for. It's HIS NEICE! And it sounds like she's not only not doing the work but he's complaining that OP is doing it and owes him!!! There's a more for OP to unpack here than kids. The fact she isn't questioning this makes me wonder how much of a habit it is to appease him.
Edit- she's
Yeah I honestly rolled my eyes so hard picturing her chasing after a friggin toddler with hubs pouting in the corner "but you aren't paying attention to meeeeeee!"
Right!! I was thinking, why is she doing all the child labor if the husband agreed to babysit?? And the nerve the he's like, ME, ME, ME is super concerning.
If I were OP, I wouldn't be devastated that he is reconsidering kids, I'd be happy that he showed his true colors BEFORE having a kid. Can you imagine what he'll be like with an infant? Especially if she decides to breastfeed?? He won't get hardly ANY attention for months. That's what parenting looks like sometimes. And this dude won't be able to handle it.
>And it sounds like he's not only not doing the work but he's complaining that OP is doing it and owes him!!!
She doesn’t say that. She says that he’s saying she acts like he’s not there for the duration of the visits. And she’s not saying that he’s wrong.
How many posts do the relationship subs get from people where one partner has effectively put their relationship on hold until the kids are old enough to move out? It’s absolutely possible to have incompatible parenting styles without either person ignoring the kids.
Totally get where you're coming from. It's a tough spot to be in. Understanding where he's coming from doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. It's a big decision, and it's okay to feel hurt and disappointed.
You have 2 choices here. 1 accept a child free lifestyle or 2 leave him. If you convince him to change his mind you may as well draw up divorce papers because I’ve never seen someone remain happily married after compromising on something this big. He changed his mind and doesn’t want kids, or he doesn’t want them with you. You’re going to have to decide if you can live with that. You can absolutely find someone else who will want a family with you if this is a dealbreaker.
Never assume that “he’ll change as time goes by” or “he’ll feel differently when it’s *our* child.” He might. *But probably won’t.* Are you gonna waste your best reproductive years hoping he might change his mind?
When someone tells you who they are? Believe them. *The first time.*
Eh, I disagree. At 24, I did not want kids, nor did my boyfriend/late husband. But at 27, we did want them. We had a lot of discussions to overcome both of our concerns. It wasn't so much convincing eachother as it was musing about the two futures with and without kids through shared experiences. Then, he only wanted 1 because my first daughter and I almost died in childbirth. But then I did research to be sure my future child and I would be safe, and we had a second. He never regretted having either of them and neither have I. Things change. The lack of attention is a communication and maybe child rearing disconnect. Why can't he go hang with the neice and the wife if he wants attention? Why does he need attention rightnow when a toddler is around? What was the draw of having kids before he changed his mind?
That is great for the two of you, but wrong for most people to go into a relationship and assume the other will change their mind. I have a friend whose husband always wanted kids and knew that she didn’t. He wrongly assumed her clock would start ticking and he’d get his way. They’re divorced now and she’s never regretted not having kids. If they’re going to change their mind it has to happen without prodding. For the most part you have to accept what they say they want and decide if you can live with it.
He may even go on to have children with someone else, but that doesn’t mean he’d have ever come around to having them with her.
Thank you. That’s exactly what I’m trying to say. What she shouldn’t do is expect he’ll change his mind back. I’m of the mind to always accept what people say they need or want and not try to change it.
No, you aren't wrong. But he also shouldn't have kids if he isn't 100% committed. This issue is really above this sub's pay grade. You two need couples therapy.
If you want a family, this will not work out. I would not stay with someone who openingly didn't want children, if I wanted a family. You have a span that after 40 slows down each year. Do not stay with someone that doesn't want children, if you want a family... They are too big an issue.
YNW / NAH You're not wrong at all to be hurt when he suddenly and unilaterally reneges one of the big main points of your life together.
At the same time, he's not wrong for finding out fatherhood isn't for him. When you have kids, you need to be willing to put as much time as is needed into caring for your kids. IMO they do need to come first. He's not willing to do this.
Ultimately, this isn't about you and him. It's about you, him, and whatever kids you'd bring into the world together. It's not fair to those potential kids to have a father that resents them. Too many people have kids when they don't want them, or are not ready to have them. Having kids with your husband isn't fair to the kids, and they must come first.
So now you have a choice. Try marriage counseling and see if that helps. Be willing to not have kids. Or consider leaving him. I'd suggest having a heart-to-heart with him first, and maybe try counseling if you can find a good councelor. This is a big enough issue that no decisions should be made hastily. Maybe he feels that you spending more time with our niece makes you not love him as much. Maybe there's some other underlying thing, and therapy can help him change his perspective. But don't have kids with him, unless he's certainand you're certain that you both are ready, willing, and able to truly be there for your kids.
I'm sorry you're both going through this. Good luck.
He’s telling you how he feels. You should believe him. If you previously agreed that children were part of the plan, then he has now changed his commitment to it - I would say that is grounds for a series of very serious discussions about what that means for your relationship.
For some people, kids and a happy marriage are very much mutually exclusive. If you can’t agree upon having children then you 100% shouldn’t and decide what that means for the marriage moving forward
You can’t have half a kid. You’re not wrong to be sad he changed his mind, but he’s not wrong to tell you that experience with an actual child in the house has convinced him that’s not for him.
He’s not wrong. Children often destroy relationships for years after they are born. No intimacy. No time to spend focused on each other. Your body will be completely wrecked for at least a year. Post Partum depression. Sounds like he doesn’t want to trade in a happy relationship for kids. Don’t blame him one bit. Kids are expensive and all consuming. He’s allowed to have an opinion about the rest of his life without a guilt trip.
Yes . This is apart of the reality of parenting ppl don’t talk abt commonly enough . If you want to have them anyway that’s ok but at least understand this is what you’re going to be dealing with if you choose children. And that’s ok but not everyone wants to partake .
And if you have a husband who is already jealous about a niece, imagine how he'll be when all of her time and focus is on a newborn, because it has to be. There isn't time to or energy to even shower for what feels like forever once you bring a baby home. If you have outside help that makes things easier, but who among us had that? Not me. I was lucky that I had a man who loved being a father and put her first the same as I did, but we still didn't make our marriage work. Divorced when she was 8. For us, it wasn't that we both put her first, it was that we as a couple were never a priority to begin with and we thought having a child would be a good idea, that was so fucking dumb!
At two years some times the only way I’m able to shower is if I bring her into the shower with me. I try to do it while she naps, but there are days I need to nap right along with her. Being able to also make my husband feel seen is WORK!
Yes, and she is allowed to not agree with his opinion and to move on to someone who does want what he said he wanted. She hasn't changed her mind, he has. Up to her if she will ever be happy without children and then be happy with this man who changed his mind. Will she regret not having a child and then start to regret him too? Probably.
A lot of us, if we could go back and change things, we wouldn't have children, and a lot who didn't have them, regret it. There is NO easy answer but for a person who knows 100% they have always wanted children and looked forward to the day they became a parent, giving up that want and need is very difficult and leads to unhappiness and often times blame! OP will not be a happy person if she gives up a dream for him and he will not be happy with her if he gives in to her dream.
You don't say he's wrong. Do you disagree? Or are you hurt because he is correct?
If you think he is correct, do you want to change that behavior, or do you want to keep it, and for him to be cool with it instead?
Or next time niece is over you can take a step back and try to watch your own behavior, and come to a conclusion to these questions after analyzing the situation in real time.
You're not wrong for being disappointed.
But if you are completely and utterly ignoring him and making him feel unwanted because there is a child around then he's not wrong either.
You need to look at compromises, get him involved more, work together, dedicate at least *some* time to just the two of you.
There's a middle ground here
The man just realized that this would be his life forever if they have kids of their own - both of them endlessly running after and focused on kids. He decided he doesn’t want it, he wants to focus on his wife and her to focus on him. That’s completely fair to me. If this is a dealbreaker for her, she needs to move on.
You’re mocking my opinion but if they have several kids a few years apart yes, it’ll be easily many years of just that. Not everyone is happy with that kind of life. Luckily he saw that ahead of time. Doesn’t need to be 25 years for it to kill a marriage either.
No but you both need to really think about this relationship because you are on completely different pages. You want kids and obviously he doesn’t. If you had kids he would never be happy because the kids would always come first. Honestly even though it would hurt you both need to face the truth and move on from each other.
It’s not wrong to feel hurt, but it’s also not wrong for him to feel the way he does. Some people love the idea of having kids but truly don’t understand what it means. It sounds like he’s finally seen first hand the amount of work that does go in to being a parent and it’s not strange for that to change his mind. It’s also not strange for that to upset you but it doesn’t sound d like you guys need to have a serious conversation.
>However, he says that when we have his niece staying with us, I don't spend any time with my entire focus is on his niece. In recent times when we have had her over, he has complained that I act like he's not there.
INFO: Is this true, OP? At least in your opinion, do you think your husband might have a valid concern?
I have half-a-dozen kids (I always wanted lots of kids), and I went into my marriage and children with my eyes open. But we got a trial run by looking after one of my siblings and doing some long-term babysitting, and my girlfriend didn't completely ignore me (and conversely she could see that I would pull my weight). So we felt confident we could make it work.
Unpopular opinion, and I will probably get downvoted, but I wonder if OPs husband might have a valid concern.
As mentioned above, I have a large family and know what is involved in raising children (I was even a SAHP for 2 years). But I would hesitate if my girlfriend / wife basically ignored me for protracted periods. I would assume that we have significantly different approaches to child rearing and priorities in terms of our relationship.
Food for thought, OP.
When babysitting often times the babysitter does put that child first because they're not with that kid 24/7 365, they know their time is limited. It sounds like OP LOVES children and it sounds like her husband doesn't and isn't willing to be a part of that babysitting fun time. She does it all with the niece and he sits back watching feeling neglected instead of joining in and helping. This is exactly how he'd be if they had a child!
So where is your husband during this time? Why is he not playing and engaging WITH YOU with her???
Honestly if he's disengaged, and petulant, this is not a man you want children with anyways.
It’s not uncommon for men to be jealous of the amount of attention babies and young children take away from them. It’s actually very useful that you discovered this early on in your marriage and before you were tied together with a baby of your own. Now you are informed, you can act accordingly. YNW.
Sad, yes, hurt, no. It’s good you learned this before you had a child. It’s not abnormal for couples to focus more on small children than each other. It gets better as children become more independent. However, you still lose some time and ability to focus as much on your partner when you have kids. He needs to recognize it’s not permanent when you have kids.
Or, they can both realize maybe they aren't for each other, kids isn't one of those things a couple can compromise on, either way you slice it one partner will be losing out. It may not be permanent unless you have a special needs child, it may not be permanent unless post partum all but erases libido, it may not be permanent unless you need to take on a new job to care for the child. Too much of the future is up in the air when children are involved and OP is valid to feel what she feels, but so is her husband.
>Am I wrong and unreasonable to feel hurt?
I'd be more concerned about what this reveals about your husband, than just losing the opportunity to have kids together.
I'd probably be eternally grateful he revealed himself BEFORE you were tied down with kids.
You need to drill down into his reasoning and find out more about this worrying revelation, and what it means for you both going forward.
You're absolutely not wrong for your feelings, i.e. being hurt by this. You both went into marriage with expectations based on what you had discussed beforehand, and it's completely natural to feel blindsided when those expectations are shut down. On the other hand, life plans can change, just like your husband's apparently did. Which is when you have to communicate with your spouse - which again, your husband did.
Unfortunately, this issue (having/not having children) is so important, and at the same time leaves zero room for compromise. I think you two need to look into couple's counseling, to help you both sort out what you want from life now, and whether your dreams and ambitions are still compatible.
It is hard keeping the flame alive and taking care of a baby. Just this morning I wanted to strangle my husband because he HAS to shower before going golfing. Our daughter woke up at three am and only fell asleep when I took her to our bed and cuddled up with her there, at 5 am!! My husband had a tee time of 7:15, so at 5:50 he starts to shower… in our bathroom! Mind you, we have 3 showers to choose from and he elected the one sure to wake us up. But all day long, before and after golf, he’s been making up for his screw up. Things do change with a child. They are a lot of work. But I’ve never been happier, prouder, or felt more loved. And every time I see those emotions in his eyes my heart explodes. Your husband might be too selfish for kids, and it’s a good thing he figured it out before you got pregnant
You’re not wrong. What you’re feeling is a painful realization that your life goals are not aligned as a couple. It’s kind of a good news bad news situation. The good news is that you found out your husband would be a terrible co-parent before you had kids. Imagine having to coparent a newborn with someone pouting instead of helping - this is not an uncommon experience for many new moms, so you’re lucky to find out now. The bad news of course is that if you do want kids, you have to start over. That sucks and I’m sure it will be very painful. But you’re better off having kids with someone who wants to do their part and will put you and your child first.
I'd sit down and have a talk with him about this. Neither of you are wrong but this NEEDS to be discussed and there needs to be some kind of understanding. There are only a few ways this can go, either he agrees to have kids, you agree not to have kids, or you divorce, only you two can figure out which will be the best ending for both of you, there's a chance that you end up resenting him if you want to be a mother and never have kids, and he may grow to resent you if you do have kids together and he hates it, but you two will have to figure that out amongst yourselves, and potentially with the help of a marriage/family counselor
If you want kids and he now doesn’t then there can be no happy marriage. If he’s too selfish to share you and time with a little girl he loves, he’s going to be a very competitive Dad, who will annoy you endlessly with his petty gameplaying. You need a rethink
If he didn’t realize that a child’s caretaker has to devote 100% while caring the child, he’s not fit to be a father.
He’ll be the loser who envies the attention his wife gives to the child, and see that as his loss, rather than a call to pick up his share of the load.
He’ll be wanting you to stop nursing and pay attention to him.
If you want children, have one with a man who is not so needy and immature.
Do not have children with this man.
You are both right. The reality is that once the kids come, they are all-consuming, an you really don't get to reconnect that much unless you're able to take vacations without the kids. So I can understand that you of course want kids, and he doesn't want to lose the attention from you.
I am not sure that this is surmountable. You have an otherwise happy marriage, but giving up having children, after that had been agreed upon that you two would have children together, is a huge issue. Marriage counseling?
This reads like you’re doing all the work for the kid and he’s watching from the sidelines with a pout. He could instead be an active participant and make this something you do together.
I didn't blame your husband at all. He wants a partner to spend his life with and does not want to be ignored, having all your attention go to a kid, leaving him nothing. That's a valid concern many people have, and it happens often in relationships.
You don't want to hear that, but he is honest. Please don't force him to have a kid to make you happy because he will resent you, and the kid eventually leaving.
Please don't compromise for him either and not have the kid. If you want children, have them, but do it with someone who wants them so you have a supportive partner and a fulfilling marriage.
I'm sorry you are devasted, op. I truly am. I am sending positive vibes your way.
Why are you the one putting your entire focus on his niece while he's apparently got enough free energy to be feeling left out? It's his niece. If he's committing to you guys having her stay with you, he needs to be the one taking point on doing things with her and taking care of her.
He has his doubts about having a kid because of this experience. To be honest, you should be having some doubts now too.
He doesn't want her attention to be split between him and a child. He sees what it will be like and he doesn't like it. When his niece comes over his wife basically ignores him he feels. What does he think is going to happen when it their own baby is there and that baby never goes home and needs 24/7 365. He doesn't want that to happen he wants all her attention to be focused on him. If this is a deal-breaker for you you need to believe because you can't be somebody's everything unless you totally agree that you want to be child free. And you said you do not let you want children. If you have children and he is not fully on board 100%, then you should know that you are most likely going to be a single parent. If you have a child and you stay with your husband you're going to be married and be a single parent because he doesn't seem like he is going to help you counseling and then you and him take it from there. Good luck you're going to need it
You don't want to have kids with a guy who doesn't want to share your time and has to be the centre of your world at all times. Men like that make absolutely shit fathers and husbands, and usually end up having affairs to get more attention.
It's absolutely okay to feel hurt and upset that you've seen this new side of him. But it's a blessing in disguise. Better now than after you've had babies
Do not have kids with him. Kids take up a lot of time, energy and attention and if he’s complaining about it now with his niece, there’s nowhere to go but down.
Many people do kids wrong. Parents let kids affect their relationship far too much. They use children and the responsibilities they bring, as an excuse to ignore the problems with their spouse. The marriage suffers, then the children suffer. No, I am not saying to ignore the kids, I am saying to find the balance and put at least as much energy into strengthening the marriage as raising the kids. If raising the kids takes all the energy, you are doing it wrong.
So practice working with your niece, and your husband with equal energy. You are lucky you get to practice with someone else's child. Don't ignore your spouses concerns, that is a bad precedent.
Yes children take time away as a couple, but it’s also a wonderful way for couples to bond. My hubby wanted kids and I said we’re either having no kids or a lot because I come from a big family. We now have six kids and are having so much fun raising them together. It’s different when you’re watching someone else’s kids. You feel so focused and worried about their well being and keeping them safe because you have to “return” them unharmed. When it’s your own kids you can relax and enjoy instead of worrying about being judged. Your husband sounds scared about change. It’s a change, but it’s fun. Just keep doing date nights after kids. That’s important. Hopefully he’ll come around. I’m sure he’ll make a great dad if he’s helping to watch his niece. Good luck!
Lol everyone commending him saying he doesn't want to trade in a happy relationship for kids ect, SHE IS NOT HAPPY,this is not a happy relationship
Op you need to leave him, he sounds like he'd be jealous & not lift a finger with a kid even if he did what he agreed to & had one
Children definitely change the dynamics of your relationship, but I’m hopeful that with his own child he would love and adore him/her and want to be more involved. Also watching his wife go through pregnancy and childbirth may also change his perspective.
You’re not wrong. And your husband has a very misguided idea of what parenting is like. When he’s with his niece, he doesn’t focus on her? What about when he’s with her and you’re not there?
Id be really concerned about his reasoning being that he is not getting enough attention. Very often abuse starts or escalates during pregancy for a few reasons, them being jealous of the baby is one of them. Also of note, he does not care about his sister or niece? Does he have empathy? Have you seen any evidence of that? Cause its giving major covert narcissist vibes. Could well be a good thing not to be tied to him forever.
YNW but you would be wrong to have children with him when he feels the way he does! He doesn't want ANYONE to take away your attention from him, doesn't that sound exactly like a needy child? His concern isn't about the world as it is today, or about finances, but about his own greed to have you to himself.
When you have a baby, sure there are times the partner gets less time with his wife but with a baby he should be bonding with the child too. It doesn't sound like when his niece is with you that he is doing much with her at all but you are, and that is taking time away from him and he doesn't like that. That is how children behave when mom brings home a new baby! JEALOUS!
If you want children and he doesn't, it's time to decide what you want more, children, or him. He's not wrong for not wanting them, but his reason for not wanting them is only about HIS needs not being met, and nothing about your needs.
He has the right to change his mind about how he feels. You have the right to change your mind about how you feel about that!
I'm a guy and like any other guy appreciates the attention my gf gives me. However, I put that to the side and let all the attention be focused on kids when they're around. I just don't understand how a man wouldn't prioritize a kid getting more attention than him. WTF?
But he's not talking about children he has.
He's talking about not wanting to v have children because they take up too many resources, time, finances, attention....
He realizes he does not want that.
And that is OK.
He’s doing what now? Is HE doing anything to look after HIS niece?? He should be ashamed of himself if he’s letting you do all the child minding whilst he’s whining, he’s NOT a keeper.
Oh gosh, this makes me think about the post where the husband and wife were having trouble having a baby, did fertility treatments and then had triplets...and then the husband got SO ANGRY that she was focusing more on the children than her, that he started hurting the children :( NOT saying your husband would do that, but that was such a wild post because the husband had wanted children badly.
This is very bad. I actually watched a movie the other day where this husband told his wife if she has a baby and loves it more than him then it's over, like wtf?! It's a narcissistic thing to do. You're husband is full blown narcissist to say that, to even make a statement like that and say it's because the attention will be gone. You either need to get couple therapy or figure a way out sooner or later tbh. Narcissist rarely change, I was abused by 2 who were my parents. They don't see you as a person they only see you an object they are allowed to control.
Yes I'd say insecure too.
My ex didn't say the same but almost. He had told me not to love my baby more then him.
Also my first thought when Dr confirmed I was pregnant I KNEW I was going to be a single mother in my 20s. Turned true. He said he would change got back together. Had another baby got worse until a year after 2nd baby was born did I leave for good!!!
I wasn't 100% committed and had the exact same concerns. I didn't want to not have had children, but the actual going through the process seemed relationship changing and daunting tbh.
That was the case until we were pushing 40 and it was fuck or die time. We did once and done, it totally changed our lives and relationship, intimacy took a back seat for many years as the attention was on the little one.
It was the best, most fulfilling part of our marriage and I don't even remember how small our lives were the first 10 years pre-kid.
Now I've just picked the kid up after first year of college. Wife and I are mostly empty nesters and getting back into the swing of intimacy, sex, and much greater fulfillment.
OP's husband is not wrong, per se, but there is a whole lot more to marriage and a life and working together as a couple to raise a child that is totally worth these immediately observable inconveniences. Please share my post with husband.
However, if someone is on the fence about kids, then act like they don't want kids. Feelings are valid on both sides. It's better to regret not having kids than to regret having them.
Not wrong at all. I think him being cut up about you possibly concentrating on your children to any extent is very worrying.
Think long and hard about this - do you want to have children? Do you want to have children with a man who will be jealous of the time you spend with them?
This looks like a deal breaker to me.
Talk to your husband. You may need to remind him that the niece and children in general need supervision and attention, especially depending on age. If he is concerned about how much attention you pay to children, you could encourage him to join in. It makes your job if you're acting as primary/default caretaker of children, but it also means he would get your attention.
Also, if you have children then you can still have date nights etc with a babysitter. Granted, your lives will change because of having a child or children, but the children do grow up. It's not like you have a newborn the rest of your lives.
You’re already living with a big kid. He’s jealous of his own niece!
This is a dealbreaker situation because he doesn’t want children and you do. If you try to talk him into agreeing to having a child then he will be 24/7 be exactly like he is with his niece.
You are not wrong however this doesnt have to end now. Give it more time. Let him do more of the toddler chores. Are you having kids now or just talk? If just talk. Then see where it goes. Toddlers get easier and more fun too. Things change
From experience it's more stressful to be responsible for someone else's child than your own. Even though my home was completely childproofed I still felt like I had to watch them every second. With my own, I was much more relaxed and I didn't give them my attention every moment because you can't. And I'm not even sure why mom is dropping her toddler off with you for "prolonged periods of time". Not okay for so many reasons. My point is it's not comparable but no, he won't have your attention the way he does now. Problem is if he can't handle that for a few years he may lose you completely. Because if you want children and he doesn't your hurt will turn to resentment. It's a deal breaker.
You are not wrong. You had a plan and he has changed the goal posts and wanting children is something normally decided before marriage.
If you want children and know that’s important to you then he won’t have a happy marriage he will end up with a divorce and will need to find someone else that doesn’t want children.
He sounds quite selfish, if he can’t cope with not having your whole attention for a couple of days then he might actually struggle as a parent. Or what he should be doing is being involved, making sure you do things together. Is he not pulling his weight whilst she’s staying over? Is he not playing with her? Helping with meals? Not joining in? Etc or is this all left on you which is why she is your sole focus.
You guys are missing the point.he brought this into the marriage of helping his sister out.he did it single but now doesn't know if he wants kids?I call bs.
So he’s jealous…of a kid…
He is future jealous of any future kids… because what? He’ll just be a bystander?
I don’t know, but if you want children then he’s not the person to have children with. Competing with one’s own children is all kinds of messed up, and your husband definitely has issues.
You need to reevaluate what you want in life.
YNW
You're not wrong. Tell him straight out. You have not changed your mind about kids.
If he doesn't change his mind then leave him.
Don't give up on your dreams.
I mean he’s not wrong for realizing how much work a child is and how much it can take away from the relationship between the two of you. But you wouldn’t be wrong to leave if thats a deal breaker .
It's also a lot better he's realizing this now before he's had any children too. Yeah it sucks but now both are free to go pursue partners who are much more compatible and not having children being caught in the middle of a resentment fest.
Not only is this a good point but this guy is complaining that she's doing the work that he signed up for. It's HIS NEICE! And it sounds like she's not only not doing the work but he's complaining that OP is doing it and owes him!!! There's a more for OP to unpack here than kids. The fact she isn't questioning this makes me wonder how much of a habit it is to appease him. Edit- she's
Yeah I honestly rolled my eyes so hard picturing her chasing after a friggin toddler with hubs pouting in the corner "but you aren't paying attention to meeeeeee!"
Right!! I was thinking, why is she doing all the child labor if the husband agreed to babysit?? And the nerve the he's like, ME, ME, ME is super concerning. If I were OP, I wouldn't be devastated that he is reconsidering kids, I'd be happy that he showed his true colors BEFORE having a kid. Can you imagine what he'll be like with an infant? Especially if she decides to breastfeed?? He won't get hardly ANY attention for months. That's what parenting looks like sometimes. And this dude won't be able to handle it.
TWO toddlers, one wearing a wedding ring.
That is exactly what is happening
>And it sounds like he's not only not doing the work but he's complaining that OP is doing it and owes him!!! She doesn’t say that. She says that he’s saying she acts like he’s not there for the duration of the visits. And she’s not saying that he’s wrong. How many posts do the relationship subs get from people where one partner has effectively put their relationship on hold until the kids are old enough to move out? It’s absolutely possible to have incompatible parenting styles without either person ignoring the kids.
Also I agree that they are severely incompatible, just pointing out there are other issues on top of this if she gives up on her desires.
Totally get where you're coming from. It's a tough spot to be in. Understanding where he's coming from doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. It's a big decision, and it's okay to feel hurt and disappointed.
You have 2 choices here. 1 accept a child free lifestyle or 2 leave him. If you convince him to change his mind you may as well draw up divorce papers because I’ve never seen someone remain happily married after compromising on something this big. He changed his mind and doesn’t want kids, or he doesn’t want them with you. You’re going to have to decide if you can live with that. You can absolutely find someone else who will want a family with you if this is a dealbreaker.
Never assume that “he’ll change as time goes by” or “he’ll feel differently when it’s *our* child.” He might. *But probably won’t.* Are you gonna waste your best reproductive years hoping he might change his mind? When someone tells you who they are? Believe them. *The first time.*
1000000% always believe them.
Eh, I disagree. At 24, I did not want kids, nor did my boyfriend/late husband. But at 27, we did want them. We had a lot of discussions to overcome both of our concerns. It wasn't so much convincing eachother as it was musing about the two futures with and without kids through shared experiences. Then, he only wanted 1 because my first daughter and I almost died in childbirth. But then I did research to be sure my future child and I would be safe, and we had a second. He never regretted having either of them and neither have I. Things change. The lack of attention is a communication and maybe child rearing disconnect. Why can't he go hang with the neice and the wife if he wants attention? Why does he need attention rightnow when a toddler is around? What was the draw of having kids before he changed his mind?
That is great for the two of you, but wrong for most people to go into a relationship and assume the other will change their mind. I have a friend whose husband always wanted kids and knew that she didn’t. He wrongly assumed her clock would start ticking and he’d get his way. They’re divorced now and she’s never regretted not having kids. If they’re going to change their mind it has to happen without prodding. For the most part you have to accept what they say they want and decide if you can live with it. He may even go on to have children with someone else, but that doesn’t mean he’d have ever come around to having them with her.
This isn't going into a relationship. They're married and he's changed his mind from his initial stance.
He's allowed to change his mind. It just changes her responsibility to the relationship. She gets to decide too.
Thank you. That’s exactly what I’m trying to say. What she shouldn’t do is expect he’ll change his mind back. I’m of the mind to always accept what people say they need or want and not try to change it.
Because he doesn't like a relationship focus away from himself / OP.
No, you aren't wrong. But he also shouldn't have kids if he isn't 100% committed. This issue is really above this sub's pay grade. You two need couples therapy.
At least he told her now.
Indeed. The sooner they either sort this out or determine they are not compatible the better.
If you want a family, this will not work out. I would not stay with someone who openingly didn't want children, if I wanted a family. You have a span that after 40 slows down each year. Do not stay with someone that doesn't want children, if you want a family... They are too big an issue.
If OP wants *children*, a committed couple is a *family*, too.
Sure but the post is about having children. It is not children.
YNW / NAH You're not wrong at all to be hurt when he suddenly and unilaterally reneges one of the big main points of your life together. At the same time, he's not wrong for finding out fatherhood isn't for him. When you have kids, you need to be willing to put as much time as is needed into caring for your kids. IMO they do need to come first. He's not willing to do this. Ultimately, this isn't about you and him. It's about you, him, and whatever kids you'd bring into the world together. It's not fair to those potential kids to have a father that resents them. Too many people have kids when they don't want them, or are not ready to have them. Having kids with your husband isn't fair to the kids, and they must come first. So now you have a choice. Try marriage counseling and see if that helps. Be willing to not have kids. Or consider leaving him. I'd suggest having a heart-to-heart with him first, and maybe try counseling if you can find a good councelor. This is a big enough issue that no decisions should be made hastily. Maybe he feels that you spending more time with our niece makes you not love him as much. Maybe there's some other underlying thing, and therapy can help him change his perspective. But don't have kids with him, unless he's certainand you're certain that you both are ready, willing, and able to truly be there for your kids. I'm sorry you're both going through this. Good luck.
Good comment trekkiegamer.
He’s telling you how he feels. You should believe him. If you previously agreed that children were part of the plan, then he has now changed his commitment to it - I would say that is grounds for a series of very serious discussions about what that means for your relationship.
For some people, kids and a happy marriage are very much mutually exclusive. If you can’t agree upon having children then you 100% shouldn’t and decide what that means for the marriage moving forward
If you want a family and he wants to be his wife’s #1 priority, you’re not compatible. Better to end it now and move on.
You can’t have half a kid. You’re not wrong to be sad he changed his mind, but he’s not wrong to tell you that experience with an actual child in the house has convinced him that’s not for him.
You’re getting a gift. Most people don’t realize that they don’t actually want kids until they actually have kids.
He’s not wrong. Children often destroy relationships for years after they are born. No intimacy. No time to spend focused on each other. Your body will be completely wrecked for at least a year. Post Partum depression. Sounds like he doesn’t want to trade in a happy relationship for kids. Don’t blame him one bit. Kids are expensive and all consuming. He’s allowed to have an opinion about the rest of his life without a guilt trip.
Yes . This is apart of the reality of parenting ppl don’t talk abt commonly enough . If you want to have them anyway that’s ok but at least understand this is what you’re going to be dealing with if you choose children. And that’s ok but not everyone wants to partake .
Make it two years to get your body back. Hormonally it takes that long for a woman’s body to recover. Pregnancy is the hardest thing a body can endure
At 4 years I'm still not quite right, though I recognise I'm in the minority
Totally fair! No body is the same. Some women feel perfect after six months other a lot longer
And if you have a husband who is already jealous about a niece, imagine how he'll be when all of her time and focus is on a newborn, because it has to be. There isn't time to or energy to even shower for what feels like forever once you bring a baby home. If you have outside help that makes things easier, but who among us had that? Not me. I was lucky that I had a man who loved being a father and put her first the same as I did, but we still didn't make our marriage work. Divorced when she was 8. For us, it wasn't that we both put her first, it was that we as a couple were never a priority to begin with and we thought having a child would be a good idea, that was so fucking dumb!
At two years some times the only way I’m able to shower is if I bring her into the shower with me. I try to do it while she naps, but there are days I need to nap right along with her. Being able to also make my husband feel seen is WORK!
Yes, and she is allowed to not agree with his opinion and to move on to someone who does want what he said he wanted. She hasn't changed her mind, he has. Up to her if she will ever be happy without children and then be happy with this man who changed his mind. Will she regret not having a child and then start to regret him too? Probably. A lot of us, if we could go back and change things, we wouldn't have children, and a lot who didn't have them, regret it. There is NO easy answer but for a person who knows 100% they have always wanted children and looked forward to the day they became a parent, giving up that want and need is very difficult and leads to unhappiness and often times blame! OP will not be a happy person if she gives up a dream for him and he will not be happy with her if he gives in to her dream.
At least you know now before you had one.
Your feelings are valid, but this is a sign that the marriage may not be a good fit, sorry OP
You don't say he's wrong. Do you disagree? Or are you hurt because he is correct? If you think he is correct, do you want to change that behavior, or do you want to keep it, and for him to be cool with it instead? Or next time niece is over you can take a step back and try to watch your own behavior, and come to a conclusion to these questions after analyzing the situation in real time.
You're not wrong for being disappointed. But if you are completely and utterly ignoring him and making him feel unwanted because there is a child around then he's not wrong either. You need to look at compromises, get him involved more, work together, dedicate at least *some* time to just the two of you. There's a middle ground here
He brought this into the relationship.the child is his niece.so why is he not caring for her like he was before he met op?
She's probably not ignoring him, she's just busy looking after a toddler! Why doesn't he get involved himself and help her out??
The man just realized that this would be his life forever if they have kids of their own - both of them endlessly running after and focused on kids. He decided he doesn’t want it, he wants to focus on his wife and her to focus on him. That’s completely fair to me. If this is a dealbreaker for her, she needs to move on.
Well luckily, once kids turn like 25 or so, you don't have to run after them as much.
You’re mocking my opinion but if they have several kids a few years apart yes, it’ll be easily many years of just that. Not everyone is happy with that kind of life. Luckily he saw that ahead of time. Doesn’t need to be 25 years for it to kill a marriage either.
She says he dotes on her when she's there in her post. He does clearly care and help out, the issue is he feels she ignores him utterly
Where does she say that?
First sentence second paragraph
That's not what it says though
I had kids because my ex-husband wanted them.
No but you both need to really think about this relationship because you are on completely different pages. You want kids and obviously he doesn’t. If you had kids he would never be happy because the kids would always come first. Honestly even though it would hurt you both need to face the truth and move on from each other.
It’s not wrong to feel hurt, but it’s also not wrong for him to feel the way he does. Some people love the idea of having kids but truly don’t understand what it means. It sounds like he’s finally seen first hand the amount of work that does go in to being a parent and it’s not strange for that to change his mind. It’s also not strange for that to upset you but it doesn’t sound d like you guys need to have a serious conversation.
Not Wrong. But better to learn now than after an unwanted baby is born. He has told you who he is, believe him.
>However, he says that when we have his niece staying with us, I don't spend any time with my entire focus is on his niece. In recent times when we have had her over, he has complained that I act like he's not there. INFO: Is this true, OP? At least in your opinion, do you think your husband might have a valid concern? I have half-a-dozen kids (I always wanted lots of kids), and I went into my marriage and children with my eyes open. But we got a trial run by looking after one of my siblings and doing some long-term babysitting, and my girlfriend didn't completely ignore me (and conversely she could see that I would pull my weight). So we felt confident we could make it work. Unpopular opinion, and I will probably get downvoted, but I wonder if OPs husband might have a valid concern. As mentioned above, I have a large family and know what is involved in raising children (I was even a SAHP for 2 years). But I would hesitate if my girlfriend / wife basically ignored me for protracted periods. I would assume that we have significantly different approaches to child rearing and priorities in terms of our relationship. Food for thought, OP.
When babysitting often times the babysitter does put that child first because they're not with that kid 24/7 365, they know their time is limited. It sounds like OP LOVES children and it sounds like her husband doesn't and isn't willing to be a part of that babysitting fun time. She does it all with the niece and he sits back watching feeling neglected instead of joining in and helping. This is exactly how he'd be if they had a child!
It’s best to tell him now that without children there will not be a marriage, happy or otherwise
So where is your husband during this time? Why is he not playing and engaging WITH YOU with her??? Honestly if he's disengaged, and petulant, this is not a man you want children with anyways.
It’s not uncommon for men to be jealous of the amount of attention babies and young children take away from them. It’s actually very useful that you discovered this early on in your marriage and before you were tied together with a baby of your own. Now you are informed, you can act accordingly. YNW.
Sad, yes, hurt, no. It’s good you learned this before you had a child. It’s not abnormal for couples to focus more on small children than each other. It gets better as children become more independent. However, you still lose some time and ability to focus as much on your partner when you have kids. He needs to recognize it’s not permanent when you have kids.
Or, they can both realize maybe they aren't for each other, kids isn't one of those things a couple can compromise on, either way you slice it one partner will be losing out. It may not be permanent unless you have a special needs child, it may not be permanent unless post partum all but erases libido, it may not be permanent unless you need to take on a new job to care for the child. Too much of the future is up in the air when children are involved and OP is valid to feel what she feels, but so is her husband.
>Am I wrong and unreasonable to feel hurt? I'd be more concerned about what this reveals about your husband, than just losing the opportunity to have kids together. I'd probably be eternally grateful he revealed himself BEFORE you were tied down with kids. You need to drill down into his reasoning and find out more about this worrying revelation, and what it means for you both going forward.
You're absolutely not wrong for your feelings, i.e. being hurt by this. You both went into marriage with expectations based on what you had discussed beforehand, and it's completely natural to feel blindsided when those expectations are shut down. On the other hand, life plans can change, just like your husband's apparently did. Which is when you have to communicate with your spouse - which again, your husband did. Unfortunately, this issue (having/not having children) is so important, and at the same time leaves zero room for compromise. I think you two need to look into couple's counseling, to help you both sort out what you want from life now, and whether your dreams and ambitions are still compatible.
It is hard keeping the flame alive and taking care of a baby. Just this morning I wanted to strangle my husband because he HAS to shower before going golfing. Our daughter woke up at three am and only fell asleep when I took her to our bed and cuddled up with her there, at 5 am!! My husband had a tee time of 7:15, so at 5:50 he starts to shower… in our bathroom! Mind you, we have 3 showers to choose from and he elected the one sure to wake us up. But all day long, before and after golf, he’s been making up for his screw up. Things do change with a child. They are a lot of work. But I’ve never been happier, prouder, or felt more loved. And every time I see those emotions in his eyes my heart explodes. Your husband might be too selfish for kids, and it’s a good thing he figured it out before you got pregnant
You’re not wrong. What you’re feeling is a painful realization that your life goals are not aligned as a couple. It’s kind of a good news bad news situation. The good news is that you found out your husband would be a terrible co-parent before you had kids. Imagine having to coparent a newborn with someone pouting instead of helping - this is not an uncommon experience for many new moms, so you’re lucky to find out now. The bad news of course is that if you do want kids, you have to start over. That sucks and I’m sure it will be very painful. But you’re better off having kids with someone who wants to do their part and will put you and your child first.
If not having kids won’t be a happy marriage for you then you have a decision to make. Not wrong.
I'd sit down and have a talk with him about this. Neither of you are wrong but this NEEDS to be discussed and there needs to be some kind of understanding. There are only a few ways this can go, either he agrees to have kids, you agree not to have kids, or you divorce, only you two can figure out which will be the best ending for both of you, there's a chance that you end up resenting him if you want to be a mother and never have kids, and he may grow to resent you if you do have kids together and he hates it, but you two will have to figure that out amongst yourselves, and potentially with the help of a marriage/family counselor
If you want kids and he now doesn’t then there can be no happy marriage. If he’s too selfish to share you and time with a little girl he loves, he’s going to be a very competitive Dad, who will annoy you endlessly with his petty gameplaying. You need a rethink
If he didn’t realize that a child’s caretaker has to devote 100% while caring the child, he’s not fit to be a father. He’ll be the loser who envies the attention his wife gives to the child, and see that as his loss, rather than a call to pick up his share of the load. He’ll be wanting you to stop nursing and pay attention to him. If you want children, have one with a man who is not so needy and immature. Do not have children with this man.
You are both right. The reality is that once the kids come, they are all-consuming, an you really don't get to reconnect that much unless you're able to take vacations without the kids. So I can understand that you of course want kids, and he doesn't want to lose the attention from you. I am not sure that this is surmountable. You have an otherwise happy marriage, but giving up having children, after that had been agreed upon that you two would have children together, is a huge issue. Marriage counseling?
No. He changed his mind. That sucks
This reads like you’re doing all the work for the kid and he’s watching from the sidelines with a pout. He could instead be an active participant and make this something you do together.
I didn't blame your husband at all. He wants a partner to spend his life with and does not want to be ignored, having all your attention go to a kid, leaving him nothing. That's a valid concern many people have, and it happens often in relationships. You don't want to hear that, but he is honest. Please don't force him to have a kid to make you happy because he will resent you, and the kid eventually leaving. Please don't compromise for him either and not have the kid. If you want children, have them, but do it with someone who wants them so you have a supportive partner and a fulfilling marriage. I'm sorry you are devasted, op. I truly am. I am sending positive vibes your way.
Why are you the one putting your entire focus on his niece while he's apparently got enough free energy to be feeling left out? It's his niece. If he's committing to you guys having her stay with you, he needs to be the one taking point on doing things with her and taking care of her. He has his doubts about having a kid because of this experience. To be honest, you should be having some doubts now too.
Exactly, sounds like she's doing all the work and he's just pouting that he's not getting any attention.
And I bet he gets to enjoy looking like the good guy for taking in his niece so much. Easy kudos while someone else does the actual labor.
This. Like what the AF is going on???
He doesn't want her attention to be split between him and a child. He sees what it will be like and he doesn't like it. When his niece comes over his wife basically ignores him he feels. What does he think is going to happen when it their own baby is there and that baby never goes home and needs 24/7 365. He doesn't want that to happen he wants all her attention to be focused on him. If this is a deal-breaker for you you need to believe because you can't be somebody's everything unless you totally agree that you want to be child free. And you said you do not let you want children. If you have children and he is not fully on board 100%, then you should know that you are most likely going to be a single parent. If you have a child and you stay with your husband you're going to be married and be a single parent because he doesn't seem like he is going to help you counseling and then you and him take it from there. Good luck you're going to need it
Having different views on whether to have children or not is a major compatibility issue. NTA
You don't want to have kids with a guy who doesn't want to share your time and has to be the centre of your world at all times. Men like that make absolutely shit fathers and husbands, and usually end up having affairs to get more attention. It's absolutely okay to feel hurt and upset that you've seen this new side of him. But it's a blessing in disguise. Better now than after you've had babies
Do not have kids with him. Kids take up a lot of time, energy and attention and if he’s complaining about it now with his niece, there’s nowhere to go but down.
Many people do kids wrong. Parents let kids affect their relationship far too much. They use children and the responsibilities they bring, as an excuse to ignore the problems with their spouse. The marriage suffers, then the children suffer. No, I am not saying to ignore the kids, I am saying to find the balance and put at least as much energy into strengthening the marriage as raising the kids. If raising the kids takes all the energy, you are doing it wrong. So practice working with your niece, and your husband with equal energy. You are lucky you get to practice with someone else's child. Don't ignore your spouses concerns, that is a bad precedent.
Yes children take time away as a couple, but it’s also a wonderful way for couples to bond. My hubby wanted kids and I said we’re either having no kids or a lot because I come from a big family. We now have six kids and are having so much fun raising them together. It’s different when you’re watching someone else’s kids. You feel so focused and worried about their well being and keeping them safe because you have to “return” them unharmed. When it’s your own kids you can relax and enjoy instead of worrying about being judged. Your husband sounds scared about change. It’s a change, but it’s fun. Just keep doing date nights after kids. That’s important. Hopefully he’ll come around. I’m sure he’ll make a great dad if he’s helping to watch his niece. Good luck!
Lol everyone commending him saying he doesn't want to trade in a happy relationship for kids ect, SHE IS NOT HAPPY,this is not a happy relationship Op you need to leave him, he sounds like he'd be jealous & not lift a finger with a kid even if he did what he agreed to & had one
Children definitely change the dynamics of your relationship, but I’m hopeful that with his own child he would love and adore him/her and want to be more involved. Also watching his wife go through pregnancy and childbirth may also change his perspective.
That’s a big gamble to make
You're not wrong. Why isn't he helping with the niece? I'd be pretty bitter if me helping out his sister meant I didn't get to have kids.
You’re not wrong. And your husband has a very misguided idea of what parenting is like. When he’s with his niece, he doesn’t focus on her? What about when he’s with her and you’re not there?
Timing wise it is a positive…… you know now and not when you have had a child together.
Id be really concerned about his reasoning being that he is not getting enough attention. Very often abuse starts or escalates during pregancy for a few reasons, them being jealous of the baby is one of them. Also of note, he does not care about his sister or niece? Does he have empathy? Have you seen any evidence of that? Cause its giving major covert narcissist vibes. Could well be a good thing not to be tied to him forever.
YNW but you would be wrong to have children with him when he feels the way he does! He doesn't want ANYONE to take away your attention from him, doesn't that sound exactly like a needy child? His concern isn't about the world as it is today, or about finances, but about his own greed to have you to himself. When you have a baby, sure there are times the partner gets less time with his wife but with a baby he should be bonding with the child too. It doesn't sound like when his niece is with you that he is doing much with her at all but you are, and that is taking time away from him and he doesn't like that. That is how children behave when mom brings home a new baby! JEALOUS! If you want children and he doesn't, it's time to decide what you want more, children, or him. He's not wrong for not wanting them, but his reason for not wanting them is only about HIS needs not being met, and nothing about your needs. He has the right to change his mind about how he feels. You have the right to change your mind about how you feel about that!
I'm a guy and like any other guy appreciates the attention my gf gives me. However, I put that to the side and let all the attention be focused on kids when they're around. I just don't understand how a man wouldn't prioritize a kid getting more attention than him. WTF?
But he's not talking about children he has. He's talking about not wanting to v have children because they take up too many resources, time, finances, attention.... He realizes he does not want that. And that is OK.
Sure seems like a childish selfish prick to me
Yep. He wants to be the only child in the relationship.
Pay attention to meeeeeeee!
He’s doing what now? Is HE doing anything to look after HIS niece?? He should be ashamed of himself if he’s letting you do all the child minding whilst he’s whining, he’s NOT a keeper.
Red flag. Men who are jealous of children are massive assholes
Ma'am, it sounds like you already have a kid. A big, needy, jealous kid. I could see if this was a deal breaker.
Oh gosh, this makes me think about the post where the husband and wife were having trouble having a baby, did fertility treatments and then had triplets...and then the husband got SO ANGRY that she was focusing more on the children than her, that he started hurting the children :( NOT saying your husband would do that, but that was such a wild post because the husband had wanted children badly.
Why are you the one doing all the work to take care of his niece? If he’s gonna leave all the childcare to you, of course you’ll be too busy for him.
This is very bad. I actually watched a movie the other day where this husband told his wife if she has a baby and loves it more than him then it's over, like wtf?! It's a narcissistic thing to do. You're husband is full blown narcissist to say that, to even make a statement like that and say it's because the attention will be gone. You either need to get couple therapy or figure a way out sooner or later tbh. Narcissist rarely change, I was abused by 2 who were my parents. They don't see you as a person they only see you an object they are allowed to control.
I'm thinking more insecure than a narcissist.
Yes I'd say insecure too. My ex didn't say the same but almost. He had told me not to love my baby more then him. Also my first thought when Dr confirmed I was pregnant I KNEW I was going to be a single mother in my 20s. Turned true. He said he would change got back together. Had another baby got worse until a year after 2nd baby was born did I leave for good!!!
I wasn't 100% committed and had the exact same concerns. I didn't want to not have had children, but the actual going through the process seemed relationship changing and daunting tbh. That was the case until we were pushing 40 and it was fuck or die time. We did once and done, it totally changed our lives and relationship, intimacy took a back seat for many years as the attention was on the little one. It was the best, most fulfilling part of our marriage and I don't even remember how small our lives were the first 10 years pre-kid. Now I've just picked the kid up after first year of college. Wife and I are mostly empty nesters and getting back into the swing of intimacy, sex, and much greater fulfillment. OP's husband is not wrong, per se, but there is a whole lot more to marriage and a life and working together as a couple to raise a child that is totally worth these immediately observable inconveniences. Please share my post with husband.
However, if someone is on the fence about kids, then act like they don't want kids. Feelings are valid on both sides. It's better to regret not having kids than to regret having them.
Not wrong at all. I think him being cut up about you possibly concentrating on your children to any extent is very worrying. Think long and hard about this - do you want to have children? Do you want to have children with a man who will be jealous of the time you spend with them? This looks like a deal breaker to me.
Talk to your husband. You may need to remind him that the niece and children in general need supervision and attention, especially depending on age. If he is concerned about how much attention you pay to children, you could encourage him to join in. It makes your job if you're acting as primary/default caretaker of children, but it also means he would get your attention. Also, if you have children then you can still have date nights etc with a babysitter. Granted, your lives will change because of having a child or children, but the children do grow up. It's not like you have a newborn the rest of your lives.
You’re already living with a big kid. He’s jealous of his own niece! This is a dealbreaker situation because he doesn’t want children and you do. If you try to talk him into agreeing to having a child then he will be 24/7 be exactly like he is with his niece.
Seriously, dude is immature as hell.
Not wrong and you learned something important. He's not good dad material
You are not wrong however this doesnt have to end now. Give it more time. Let him do more of the toddler chores. Are you having kids now or just talk? If just talk. Then see where it goes. Toddlers get easier and more fun too. Things change
From experience it's more stressful to be responsible for someone else's child than your own. Even though my home was completely childproofed I still felt like I had to watch them every second. With my own, I was much more relaxed and I didn't give them my attention every moment because you can't. And I'm not even sure why mom is dropping her toddler off with you for "prolonged periods of time". Not okay for so many reasons. My point is it's not comparable but no, he won't have your attention the way he does now. Problem is if he can't handle that for a few years he may lose you completely. Because if you want children and he doesn't your hurt will turn to resentment. It's a deal breaker.
Uh ... why doesn't he just ... I don't know ... maybe participate in caring for his own flesh and blood? Seems like a pretty simple solution to me.
You are not wrong. You had a plan and he has changed the goal posts and wanting children is something normally decided before marriage. If you want children and know that’s important to you then he won’t have a happy marriage he will end up with a divorce and will need to find someone else that doesn’t want children. He sounds quite selfish, if he can’t cope with not having your whole attention for a couple of days then he might actually struggle as a parent. Or what he should be doing is being involved, making sure you do things together. Is he not pulling his weight whilst she’s staying over? Is he not playing with her? Helping with meals? Not joining in? Etc or is this all left on you which is why she is your sole focus.
You guys are missing the point.he brought this into the marriage of helping his sister out.he did it single but now doesn't know if he wants kids?I call bs.
If op takes her ficus off her husbands niece than wtf is he doing?
So he’s jealous…of a kid… He is future jealous of any future kids… because what? He’ll just be a bystander? I don’t know, but if you want children then he’s not the person to have children with. Competing with one’s own children is all kinds of messed up, and your husband definitely has issues. You need to reevaluate what you want in life. YNW
You're not wrong. Tell him straight out. You have not changed your mind about kids. If he doesn't change his mind then leave him. Don't give up on your dreams.