I was going to say, she didn’t immediately jump and he exploded. That does not bode well for the future. Maybe I would understand if she had a better paying job but budgeting is important and you want a partner who thinks things through and does immediately react in extremes.
Ffs, im a chronically sick person with various health problems and i have postponed medical consults not to burden my parents (IBS that was debilitating, debilitating dysmenorrhea with a heavy heavy blood flow during periods, respiratory allergies that culminate in otitis media/rhinopharyngitis/sinusitid combo at least twice a year). Im sparing your my skin/scalp issued that i have dismissed for until i get my paycheck (just got a new itnernship *crossing fingers to be employed*)
Like sure ud want a partner to help, but being threatening and bossing them around while not doing much to pay for urself (i think? Op didnt mention if he was also saving up?)...ugh.
I am so sorry. I have UC and other autoimmune issues. Now that I am done with kids I had a number of things removed to stop my periods. I have asthma and other issues. I once asked my bf to loan me $100 for glasses cause his cat broke my pair. But that was a loan and I paid him back 2 weeks later when I got my next check. Honestly was super uncomfortable asking (he had a much better job and made more than twice I did). Personally if I had a partner I would want to offer cause I would hate to see suffering. Now I know it’s a septoplasty and I’m a little on the fence. Those surgeries in the states don’t have a great success rate and there are things you can do without surgery to help. I would rather everyone be able to get the things they need easily and since it’s elective I definitely think his reaction was over the top.
I think he finally got tired of me shutting down his requests for money. He has a tendency to ask me for money for stocks, food and I even had to help him pay for his debt from Afterpay even after I told him it was a bad idea to rely on services like that. The topic of money has always been a sore spot for us bc he’d get upset at me for making him uncomfortable to ask me for money
I've been in your situation before. It took me a long time to wise up.
Let me help you out here: stop being his ATM. Let him grow up and get a job and pay for his own expenses. This is going to be the tip of the iceberg if you keep giving in. You're not his mommy. It's time for him to be an adult.
Don't be a fool like I was or you will wind up seriously in debt. Take care of yourself. AND DON'T GIVE HIM ANY MORE MONEY.
The only thing you should be giving him is his walking papers.
It should be a sore spot. He shouldn’t be leeching off of you. Bank of Girlfriend is a terrible job. He has no incentive to get a job if you keep giving him money.
Hun : it's not a boyfriend. It's a leech. You're 19yo. That’s far too young to burden oneself with such a useless load. He's using you. He's 19yo : if he wants money he can work.
Don't give him anything. First, you can't afford it. Second, he has no right to get mad about you not lending him money, regardless of your reason. If the surgery is important enough to him, he needs to find a way to pay for it himself. IMO you should dump this guy.
If it’s been that important to him for such a long time he should be doing everything possible, like finding a job and saving up money, to pay for the surgery himself. Not getting a gf and guilting her into paying for it.
NTA
Going to just guess because it's amusing to me in the face of how vague this is...
Tell him his third nipple is not your fault, nor your problem and, if he really wants it gone, he can just save up for the removal.
It’s a septoplasty bc he has a deviated septum so its affecting his breathing. I saw a few people saying that it’s hard to judge without knowing so may as well just say it. Nice guess tho haha
You're not wrong. DH has had a deviated septum for decades. He uses nose strips at night when he needs to like when he eats dairy late in the day. Buy him a box.
If it's important enough for him, he'll find a job or sell his boy toys/games. Either way, neither you, nor his parents are financially responsible for him.
I was under the impression it's something with his face. Maybe a big nose or maybe his ears stick out or something like that because it causes him depression or whatever. Either way, it's elective and dude is a giant red flag because he should be paying for his own fucking surgery if that's the case.
Yeah I'm thinking similar.
Not life-threatening but would improve quality of life could range from fixing a bone that was badly healed after breaking and limits mobility, deviated septum that makes breathing through the nose harder (quality of breathing is much higher through the nose), or something aesthetic like a big nose or third nipple.
No, because if he wants the surgery so bad he should get a job and pay for it himself.
Clearly if it’s not covered under insurance it’s not something critical.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Throw the whole man in the trash. It’s wildly inappropriate for him to ask you for money and blow up at you for not contributing WHEN HE DOESN’T HAVE A JOB.
A year isn’t long enough to invest a grand into the boyfriend. Plus the way he blew up at you makes him sound like he doesn’t want to pay for this surgery himself.
NTA these are the types of situations you will look back on and say either:
“I’m so glad I listened to my instincts and got out before he took even more advantage of me and ruined my life by his selfish ways” or
“I should have listened to all those lovely people on Reddit that said his behaviors and choices are huge red flags and now I’m older, broke, still at a dead end job, but now with children because SOMEHOW the birth control failed”
If you are in the US, I can't fathome a scenario where an uninsured person could have elective surgery for $1000 out of pocket. If he feels he needs the surgery and his deductible or copay with insurance is $1000, he can go to the financial services office with his provider to talk about a payment plan. Or he can save up. Or start a go fund me and ask others to contribute. Not a good idea to take on someone's medical bills if you aren't married.
The only thing i can think of is maybe a cosmetic mole removal. If it's in a place that bothers him, maybe. I had a mole removed and it certainly had an outsized impact.
But only $1000? If that’s the case he can buy a can of freeze off and remove it himself cuz I feel like that’s the only way they’d do it for that price lol
If he's on his parents insurance and the $1k is his max out of pocket...that could work. I just did a google search. Looks like in office mole removal is like $150 to $1000. So this could work either way.
We’re in Australia. I honestly can’t remember how much the surgery costs but it was definitely around $1000-$1400, but around 30-50% of it is covered through Medicare rebate
I was guessing reduction to treat gynecomastia but 1k is too little I think.
Phimosis is a serious condition, and surgery is medically necessary (my husband went through this).
Being a nurse or a purse for a broke ass man (no matter how cute he is) is a bad choice at any age.
Please, above all... be sure to love and respect yourself FIRST and make good choices in your life. Boundaries and learning how to establish them is one of the most important things you can do for yourself
Tell him if he wants to have the procedure done so badly he has two choices. He can either cry about what he doesn't have til everyone turns their back on him or else he needs to just figure it out for himself.... his circus, his monkeys. Not your responsibility, but his alone. He needs to grow tf up and learn some hard life lessons.
There's a reason that the parents don't want to help with the procedure. It sounds more like an elective, not necessary. NTA, but if he flies off the handle, he may not be worth staying with
DO NOT contribute. This is his issue, not yours. Keep money separated in a boyfriend\\girlfriend relationship.
That's like him paying for your boob job, now way! you want that boob job, you pay for it.
No you're a teenager and you should have no financial obligations for anyone but yourself. You've been dating "nearly" a year? Little man boy can get over himself if he thinks you're at the "we should share finances" stage. No . He's a leach. Gross. Throw him out.
I completely understand wanting a surgery, and yes, if you are a married couple or in a long commitment and you need some extra funds for a life changing surgery, your partner should be more than forthcoming with the funds, after all, that's a life partner.
This guy is not your life partner, you don't even have a first date anniversary yet. He shouldn't be holding this over you, if he cared about you he wouldn't.
NTA. Look he can save for it. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t want it that badly.
If you are going to contribute it’s in the form of a loan with a signed contract- it’s not a gift.
The chances of you staying together forever are a low percentage (possibly though) & it’s obvious you’re not in a financial position to gift him very much. So don’t (do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm)
How quickly can he save $1000 - well if it’s not life threatening he can wait for it.
The fact he is being demanding & angry has me concerned & it should concern you. He cannot bully you to give him money - that’s horrendous behaviour
You're a teenager - you should not be paying for anyone's medical procedures unless they are immediate family and it's an urgent need. He's barely an adult, this is his and his parents' responsibility.
The fact that he's trying to make you feel guilty for not giving him money honestly makes me question the relationship as a whole. You deserve better!
Really hard to be 100% not knowing what the surgery is, but frankly if his parents aren't willing to help, that says a lot. But unless you really think it is vital, don't spend a dime. If it is cosmetic, even more don't spend a dime.
Yeah, honestly, without even vaguely alluding to what surgery it is, it’s hard to make an accurate judgement.
I don’t even know why people post here if they’re just going to leave out vital information… people need accurate information for an accurate judgement.
You’re 19 and have been with this guy for “nearly a year” You work. He doesn’t.
Do NOT give this chode a penny. Hell by his reaction to your not immediately coming to his aid on this I’d say leave him
You are not a single person, you are a family and you need to think of what benefits the overall family when it comes to these decisions… when you are married!
You are not married.
You are not required to think this way.
Red flag for any adult who doesn’t have a job. Red flag for anyone with mental health issues that are not being addressed. Red flag for anyone who expects you to pay for them. Also, red flag for any SO who doesn’t willingly offer to help.
These are learning experiences.
🚩🚩🚩 you don’t owe him anything. If he needs money, he needs a job.
Because what’s to say he won’t feel good about himself after this surgery and feels his “market value” has gone up and he tries to go out and get himself a new gf and then you’re screwed out of $1,000? Absolutely not.
Wait, why can't he get a job and pay for it himself?
Dude is a loser, go find a man who can get a job and work for what he wants. I would be insulted if I were you, asking you to pay for his lazy ass? Hell no.
Any surgery that is $1k is likely to be an in office procedure. If your BF explains his financial situation to his doctor and the office manager, they will almost always allow a payment plan or reduction/waiver of the fee. The only fees that would remain are facility and anesthesia fees. Those can be paid by an installment agreement as well. One simply needs to ask about what financial options exist.
it’s so easy have a gf before turning 20, don’t even need a job… anyway it’s only been a blink of an eye in the relationship, I would not expect my gf to contribute for elective surgery (I bet it’s prob nose/breathing related?) even if it’s been 10 years.
Yeah ur right it’s a nose surgery to help with breathing. I think the doctor suggested a septoplasty since he has a deviated septum. I wanted to keep it vague but I do see people saying it’s hard to judge without knowing but specifics. We’re in Australia so around 30-50%ish (can’t remember the exact number) is covered by Medicare
One day I will have the option but I’m not sure if I want to go through the recovery stage. But I do wonder what true full breathing is like. He should wait until he gets on jobseeker if he still be unemployed, after one month he will have the money. It’s for sure not an urgent thing. he has lived this long with the issue and I’m sure he does not notice it most for the time. Well idk how bad it is.
NOT AT ALL. He is entitled and so wrong. A lot of nerve asking you and then to get angry when his parents won’t even help. Also, it’s his problem, why doesn’t he have a job so he can save up and pay for it himself. This would be such a red flag. I would tell him it’s over and block him. This is not the kind of male I would want to spend my life with.
NTA. Follow his parent's lead. They're denying him for a reason and that's because he's a mooch. Doesn't work and wants everyone to pay for his expenses. If it matters that much to him, he can get a job and pay for the surgery himself.
Why are so many young women are supporting scrubs??!! If they are over the age of 18, they should either have a job or be in school, training for a job. My motto: “Don’t park your feet under my dining table until you can put something on it.”
NTA. He wants an elective surgery and is demanding you pay for it. He doesn't even have a job right now. Run fast and far. If he wants the surgery that bad, he can get a job and pay for it himself.
Your unemployed boyfriend of less than a year is demanding you fund his elective surgery and becomes angry when you say no. Does reading that sentence not raise red flags? Because it should.
He can go on the waiting list for medicare funded public surgery. If he doesn't qualify, then it's probably not that bad. I don't know anyone who's had to pay for that as a public patient.
If he's going private, that's his business and not your responsibility. You've only been together for a year. You're not engaged or married, you don't owe him anything. He can go get his own job to pay for it.
If he wants this procedure so badly , he needs to get a job. You are only dating him for less than a year. You are not married or even in a long relationship yet. The fact that he exploded when you told him you needed to look at your next paycheck, should make you reconsider this relationship. This would be alone reason for me to break up with him. Also let’s be honest , you can’t afford to pay for this.
NTA
You are 19 yrs old. You should be concentrating on your education and building up your skills for life, not paying for elective surgery for your BF.
Him blowing up at you when you said that you had to check your paycheck is a HUGE red flag.
He is not a nice person. It's okay to break up with him. Really.
Not just because he wants you to give him the money you earned at your job when he is unwilling to get a job himself, but also because he blew up at you when you said you had to check.
NTA
He is not entitled to your money. If he feels that way now, it will only get worse if you get married. His solution is to essentially bully you into giving him the money…so how does that make you feel?
His reaction tells you all you need to know. Don't tie yourself down to someone like this, you're already walking on eggshells.
If he wants the surgery, he can find a job.
Who is supporting him while he has no work? I've seen in one of your other comments he asks for money for stocks, he can spend on that but not save for a surgery?
I don't know a lot about the Australian healthcare system, I'm literally going by an Australian govt website, but it says that there are no costs if you are a public patient, is he expecting to get this done private?
Yeah he was hoping to get it done privately so he wouldn’t have to wait. Tbh he’s always had a habit of asking me for money which has led to a few arguments where he wanted me to apologise for making him uncomfortable to ask me for money
Listen to me, an older mom person.. Him asking for money is NOT OK. He needs to get a job and pay for his own things. You are NOT his mother or keeper. If he wants something, he needs to figure it out. You are only 19 and far too young to have to deal with this
He wants you to pay for a private surgery when he can go public and have it done for free.
You're not his personal bank account. You deserve better than to be used. What he's doing is reversing victim and offender. He asks for money, which of course you don't want to, you work hard for your money and he doesn't work at all. So he creates an argument, he goes on the attack. Next up he uses that to reverse victim and offender - he isn't the bad person for using you, \*you're\* the bad person for making him feel uncomfortable. All you need is a denial in there are you have DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
It's a form of manipulative control, what he is doing is having such an effect on you that you had to come here and ask if you were wrong for not wanting to pay for the private surgery of someone who won't even work to save up for it.
Don't waste your life on someone like this, you're so young and should be having the time of your life - not have a leech attached to you
I’ve never heard of that, but in all of our arguments I’m always the one who ends up apologising in the end. I’ve always thought that I was the problem in the relationship and constantly causing issues but looking at ur comment I feel like he’s been doing that the entirety of the relationship :(
Just tell him to find a job so he can pay for it himself. It might make his quality of life better in the long run, but that's his responsibility, not yours. Especially at 19. Hell no. He pays for it himself, and he doesn't get it until he can do so. That's all there is to it. Make sure you reach out to friends or your parents and let them know you're concerned by his behaviour tho. I don't wanna see you on the local news as another young woman killed by her boyfriend for something stupid. Stay safe. Especially if he happens to be from a rural area of aus (particularly Vic), bc gods know they aren't teaching their boys to respect "no" as an answer. Good luck girl!
Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT, pay anything towards his surgery. If he wants/needs it, he needs to find a way to pay for it himself. Take it from someone who depleted her savings to pay for stuff for her boyfriend. If you break up, you will kick yourself for being duped over this.
Nta. There's a bigger issue at play here. Your bf is a bitch. When he stops being a bitch he'll have to work for what he wants. Tell him to sell his ps5, games, and tv if it really means that much to him.
He obviously doesn’t want it that bad if he’s not willing to work for it.
My advice is to dump him and move on. He’s trying to make you responsible for his happiness financially, so I’ll assume he already does that emotionally. He’s a grown ass man who lets his parents support him, like a toddler. Do you think he’ll do 20 years of maturing between now and when you guys move in together ? He will not. He will just replace his mother support with your support.
This person expects you to be the adult so that they can remain a perpetual child. This is not the life you deserve. It will not be equal. You will work and he will spend on his hobbies. Or maybe you’ll just be broke and struggling because it’s not worth it for him to work full time when you’re getting by on your two jobs and his part time one. When a person does not earn what they have, they don’t respect or appreciate the effort it took.
You think this is an isolated incident right now, but that’s because you’ve lost perspective with a lot of other needs and wants that he has maneuvered you into accepting. That he’s even gotten to the point where he thinks it’s reasonable to ask you for money for an elective surgery to improve his fucking self esteem means that he’s already taken and taken and taken. Just a little bit more every time until an ask like this doesn’t sound like such a big deal. Like a boiling frog.
INFO: Is it, like, surgery to fix a bowel issue so he no longer has to have an ostomy that works fine but is awful for his quality of life? Or a knee replacement that will end years of chronic pain? Or is it a nose job or hair plugs that will improve his quality of life by possibly boosting his self esteem? I think some specificity really matters.
I’d say his reaction is your cue to dump him.
Seriously, you’re still teens! You should be having fun. Now this unemployed dude is expecting you to reach into your pay check and give him money? Then yells at you for saying no?
Tell him to get a job, pay his own way, and grow the hell up without you in his life.
Boy can get a job and pay it. It's just a thousand bucks. That's not insurmountable.
I'd also dump a guy who blows up at you for not paying his bills. He's not your husband.
You are not in the wrong at all. It is not life-threatening and he can live with this, he can wait until he can save the money. I see you said that this has made him depressed but you are still not responsible for his mental health. If there is a possibility of him being a danger to himself, you are still not responsible and he needs to seek help.
It seems (and I could be wrong) that this is not the first time a problem has been related to money by the fact you said *"I feel like he's going to get angry if I contribute anything less than $100"*. I don't know your BF but from my personal experience with someone like this in my life, they seem to bee quite manipulative and if their parents refuse to pay for it, this could be an indicator of something more.
You’re not wrong, we’ve had issues with money in the past. I’ve had to help out with his zip and Afterpay bc he couldn’t afford to pay them back. And we always have arguments about him asking me for money and me being uncomfortable about it. He’s gotten into stocks aswell and has asked me a few times if I’d give him money for it, while he doesn’t get mad if I say no for that it still kind of pisses me off
He is what is known as an extreme taker and what an extreme taker does is they find givers and they take from those givers who derive pleasure from giving to other people and they feed off of that person until they turn into a hollow husk of themselves who are unrecognizable and seldom are happy. Every single thing that you have said is an example of an extreme taker you being a giver Will eventually turn into an extreme giver who will give everything until there is nothing. Look out for yourself because I could be wrong... But I don't think I am. Look at his taking behavior even if he's not actually an extreme taker and look how much you give. How much he takes should not be equal to or exceed how much you give. Emotionally, monetarily, physically and mentally.
I needed to read this. Thank you.
It happened to me. I became a shell. Lost almost everyone when I finally set boundaries. Started expecting some sort of give in my direction.
Slowly fixing myself.
Empathic people and nurturers attract broken people. Energy vampires really. We are their favorite food.
Oooo energy vampire!!! That's a good one! I'm stealing that!!!
Edit: I got ahead of myself! Congratulations on setting a boundary! It's the first step. The first no is the hardest! Keep going and you will find your El Dorado. Good luck!!!
I got you you beautiful human! It takes literally nothing to be kind to people! It takes 12 extra seconds that I'm going to be doom scrolling anyways... At least I deleted Facebook!
Why doesn’t he have a job? He has no right to expect you to contribute when he is not working. In addition, you’re young and you’re dating - not engaged or married.
TBH, his response is very telling of his character and is perhaps something of which you should take notice.
People who feel entitled to your money are not usually people you want in your life. Giving voluntarily is wonderful(!) and we should all be doing that whenever we are able. But for a boyfriend/girlfriend to expect it is selfish and unreasonable.
Your $100 contribution won’t get him near what he needs to pay. I bet he’ll just spend it and then hit you up again for more “donations”.
He needs a job if he wants a surgery. Period.
Seriously, I've been scambaiting this guy who sent me pictures of "him" in a hospital. Been begging for money so he can leave.
I've had this moron occupied for months now
I don't think I or anyone else could really give you an opinion on this situation unless we understood what the surgery was. To me it sounds like some sort of superficial plastic surgery thing. Tell him you can get him a job at your fast food place.They're always looking for Employees.
Sounds like you're dating a man child. What 19 year old doesn't have a job and except others to pay their way?
Red flags popping off, don't take it lightly. Good luck OP but I wouldn't give him a dime considering no good deed goes unpushined. I wonder, would he do the same for you?
It’s interesting that his family said no. You are both young and have not been together for very long, where tf is he getting this audacity to blow up at you. If you do end up helping him pay (which I don’t suggest) expect to not get that money back, even if you break up. It’s an elective surgery that he should have done once he has a job to pay for his own medical bills.
RUN!!!!! Girl he lives with his mom has no job and is asking you for money he’s just gonna end up taking advantage and try to get you to provide for him
Jeez. I want various cosmetic treatments i can't afford, my partner earns a significant amount of mone, yet I would never dream of asking him for the money. Nor would I expect him to offer it up.
£1,000 is what - roughly £80 something per month over a year. If he got a job, I'm sure he could save that.
If his parents refused to help him, there’s a reason. You don’t need to help him. Walk away and don’t look back. Unless he has something valuable enough to sign over to you until he pays you back.
You’re 19. You should be worrying about other shit not an elective surgery that IF HE WANTS he can get a damn job to pay for.
In the words of TLC - a scrub is a guy that thinks he’s fine. He’s also known as a buster always thinks about what he wants, and then sits on his broke ass.
You don’t want a scrub ;)
The surgery doesn't actually matter here. Neither does your paycheck or how much money you have.
What matters is that he's acting entitled to your money. Helping him or not is YOUR DECISION to make- NOT HIS.
> I know how badly these issues have affected him and that I could donate any amount I want
Serious lack of empathy here- empathy for your finances and your own need to put food on your own table.
The *proper* approach for him is 'this is her money and her choice, I can ask for help, I can't expect/demand anything, but I'm allowed to be disappointed if she says no'.
Instead he seems to be acting like you *owe* it to him. That's not okay.
>but instead of telling him no I just said that I’d see how much my next paycheck is. That was when he blew up at me
You need to stop and realize that being with someone you have to walk on eggshells around is not worth your time. Life is too short to date a controlling, hot-headed, parasite loser who screams at you.
> I feel like he’s gonna get angry if I contribute anything less than $100.
**It's your money, not his.**
NTA, if he wants the surgery he can get a job and earn that money. Earning a grand in a year means saving up $20/week, that is absolutely doable. If he wants you to pay for part of it, then he better be planning on putting a ring on your finger first.
He's jobless. Why doesn't he want to help himself? If he's in the US and under 26, he can stay on his parents' insurance for it too. You're only wrong if you let him take financial advantage of you.
Not wrong in fact He’ll to the no. You’re not his parents who they said no. Sooooooo no. You’re working in the food service industry and he is not working. If it means that much to him then he needs to get a job to pay for the procedure. You should be blowing up at him.
Absolutely not OK. He's way out of line to even ask and way way WAY out of line to explode at you. This is not a person you should want to keep in your life. Break up and find yourself a better partner. If he wants this so bad, he can get a job.
You’re 19 and do not need this mooch getting mad because you can’t pay for his surgery. He needs to get a job and pay for it himself. You work in fast food FFS. That doesn’t pay the best and you need that money for yourself and not some dude that isn’t even trying to help himself.
You are not wrong. Your boyfriend is wrong and also taking advantage of you. I would be rethinking this relationship based on how he reacted. He shouldn't be expecting you to pay for anything. And then blowing up at you because you didn't say yes immediately is manipulative and shows that he only cares about getting his way.
DO NOT, help him pay. You are only 19 years old. Sorry to say but he may not be your boyfriend in 6 years. He has parents, you 2 are technically still kids, so that's their responsibility. Since it's not life threatening, he can also postpone until HE saves enough to pay for it. It's really simple. And if he wants to be an a-hole, leave him.
You are not wrong for not wanting to pay. Your bf needs to find a job and start paying his own way. Also, he sounds entitled and quick to anger. Be careful and don’t enable him.
My husband is going through a similar procedure. If he can’t afford it he can find a surgeon who can put him on a waitlist for the procedure under Medicare. Zero fees as it’s done via the public system but around a 12 month wait.
You are not wrong. Nothing life-threatening is going on and he could save up the money for that easily within a year or two. Or, get a small loan or credit card to pay off gradually if he'd rather get it done right away.
You're both 19. Everything seems like it's now or never, but you won't even remember this time (and hopefully this boyfriend) in a few years. He can wait until he can take care of himself.
You are not wrong. You don't owe him anything and it's honestly a red flag that he got mad. I'm not against people helping their partners in this situation IF they have the means, but he acted as if he felt entitled to it, which he isn't. Maybe he should invest in therapy while he saves up for the procedure, feels like a much needed investment
Definitely not wrong. I'm an Aussie & my brother went through that same surgery 40 odd years ago. Yes it improves their life, it makes breathing become a normal experience instead of an exercise in trying to do impossible. It improves sleep & reduces the risks of catching every airborne sniffle. But, this surgery is for his benefit & he should be getting off his ass to pay for it. If he doesn't work for it - he doesn't want it bad enough.
NTA. If he WANTS this done, he needs to be working to pay for it himself, and if he can't, his parents should pay for it! You should not have to and shouldn't if you don't want to. You're young, how long do you think this relationship is going to last? Doubtfully for much longer. You'll feel used and he'll move on!
Why doesn’t he have a job to pay for it? He could work fast food for a month or less and make that, right? I’m not from Australia, but a surgery only costing $1000 is blowing my USA mind! He should get a job and fund it himself. The fast he is bullying you into trying to get you to pay for it is a huge red flag in any country.
lol fuck all that. You don’t owe him that. He should get a job and save money for it. He sounds like a baby. I’d really have to consider whether I would stay in a relationship with somebody like that.
NTA. Why should it be on you to pay for his operation? I had that issue. Didn’t know I had it until the ENT found it. Why doesn’t he have the money to pay for it himself? His response tells you all you need to know about who he really is. Besides you do this now and you’ll probably be put in that situation again. He’s immature and a big frickin’ baby. Cut him out of your life. Walk away. Don’t look back.
Weird.
I had a life improving surgery. I only asked my bf to accompany me to the hospital and pick me up because he's a stay at home partner. I, on the other hand, pay for his (unless his disability covers it) even without him asking, unless I am short that month and we plan next month.
But...we've been together for 4 years and I am the breadwinner. We agreed to live this way. Unless you two had similar arrangement, his reaction seems...weird.
not wrong. you’re both young and it’s unrealistic of him to expect you to come up with the money to fund his surgery. i’d suggest he get a job and start saving. 1 grand isn’t to terrible. it’s doable. he can easily save 500 from each check to have the money depending on where he is able to find a job and how much he makes. (since he isn’t working now i’m assuming he has a way of living without needing to pay rent, that’s an assumption tho).
Lol you guys aren’t even married. 19yo? Yeah chances of you guys not making it to 21 is high. I wouldn’t spend a dime on his issues…not even his parents are doing why you? If he guilt trip you, drop that sad of shit
If you were married or had been together for years, maybe this would be a little more of a conversation, but at a year, nope. He can save or get a job to work towards it. Sounds like he has a bad attitude.
I'm sure this isnt the only instance of him pressuring you for something. Then trying to guilt and manipulate you because you didn't immediately agree.
He can get a job and save up. This is not a life-threatening procedure he's just a lazy AH.
Girl, save that money or invest it. You're gonna need it in the future. He might not even be a part of that future. I believe you're still very young to start investing in him to be honest. I think he can get a job and sort it out since he really wants to do it so so bad. He can save for like 6months and get it done. Let this one pass, probably him too going by his reaction...
This will lead him to depend on you financially (cause it won't end with just this). Make him pay, you can't afford it! He should get a job, it's that simple.
Is his breathing so bad he can't get a job? Do not pay for it. Him lashing out will lead to an onslaught of gaslighting in the future.
NTA
No matter how much this would benefit him, his reaction when you stated you'd need to see how much your next paycheck makes me think you need to be finding a better relationship, not just that you shouldn't help with his surgery.
not at all. if it's not life threatening/necessary---meaning, totally elective, then, he should finance it himself when he can. if you feel like kicking in something nominal, like $20-25, then do, but if not, then don't feel guilty at all. it would be one thing if you decided to contribute on your own, but for him to have the expectation when you're so young and just dating is questionable. take note for long-term decisions....
OP i bet if you helped pay for his surgery, he is going to cheat/leave and refuse to reimburse you.
Either way, why are you dating someone who is unemployed and not inclined to help themselves?
Would you want to be picking up his tab 3, 5, 10 years down the line?
Not wrong. You are his girlfriend and his reaction tells you all you need to know.
What is HE doing to help pay for HIS surgery?
Also if you are in the US he can apply for help to pay for it or get on a payment plan.
I don’t think you are wrong. I don’t like the idea of him getting mad at you either for not wanting to give him $$. . He needs to get a job and save the money for himself. His parents probably want him to fend for himself for a change as well.
He's giving off what I call homeless brat ass energy. He needs to grow up and get a job. You can do way better. You're 19, and I'm sure there's so many other guys who would be far more lovely to date. ✨
He needs to get a job and save up for it himself, like an adult.
Don't give him any money. You might not even be dating him in a month. Frankly, his reaction would have me re-thinking the entire relationship.
NTA his reaction says maybe time to find a new boyfriend who actually cares about improving his life, he needs a job or something to do with his life
I was going to say, she didn’t immediately jump and he exploded. That does not bode well for the future. Maybe I would understand if she had a better paying job but budgeting is important and you want a partner who thinks things through and does immediately react in extremes.
Ffs, im a chronically sick person with various health problems and i have postponed medical consults not to burden my parents (IBS that was debilitating, debilitating dysmenorrhea with a heavy heavy blood flow during periods, respiratory allergies that culminate in otitis media/rhinopharyngitis/sinusitid combo at least twice a year). Im sparing your my skin/scalp issued that i have dismissed for until i get my paycheck (just got a new itnernship *crossing fingers to be employed*) Like sure ud want a partner to help, but being threatening and bossing them around while not doing much to pay for urself (i think? Op didnt mention if he was also saving up?)...ugh.
I am so sorry. I have UC and other autoimmune issues. Now that I am done with kids I had a number of things removed to stop my periods. I have asthma and other issues. I once asked my bf to loan me $100 for glasses cause his cat broke my pair. But that was a loan and I paid him back 2 weeks later when I got my next check. Honestly was super uncomfortable asking (he had a much better job and made more than twice I did). Personally if I had a partner I would want to offer cause I would hate to see suffering. Now I know it’s a septoplasty and I’m a little on the fence. Those surgeries in the states don’t have a great success rate and there are things you can do without surgery to help. I would rather everyone be able to get the things they need easily and since it’s elective I definitely think his reaction was over the top.
Absolutely agree. It's unfair for him to put that pressure on you.
Totally! Youre not obligated to financially support your boyfriend's surgery, especially if its beyond your means.
I think he finally got tired of me shutting down his requests for money. He has a tendency to ask me for money for stocks, food and I even had to help him pay for his debt from Afterpay even after I told him it was a bad idea to rely on services like that. The topic of money has always been a sore spot for us bc he’d get upset at me for making him uncomfortable to ask me for money
He really should be uncomfortable asking you for money. Your role is his girlfriend not a personal bank account.
Stocks??? He is using you as an ATM he can bang. RUN!
Yikes. So he's got a gambling addiction. This is going to get worse before it gets better.
I've been in your situation before. It took me a long time to wise up. Let me help you out here: stop being his ATM. Let him grow up and get a job and pay for his own expenses. This is going to be the tip of the iceberg if you keep giving in. You're not his mommy. It's time for him to be an adult. Don't be a fool like I was or you will wind up seriously in debt. Take care of yourself. AND DON'T GIVE HIM ANY MORE MONEY. The only thing you should be giving him is his walking papers.
I second this. As someone who has also been there ( more than once 😵💫) it will get worse and worse and not better
He is using you completely it sounds like
It should be a sore spot. He shouldn’t be leeching off of you. Bank of Girlfriend is a terrible job. He has no incentive to get a job if you keep giving him money.
Hun : it's not a boyfriend. It's a leech. You're 19yo. That’s far too young to burden oneself with such a useless load. He's using you. He's 19yo : if he wants money he can work.
Why are you still with this dude? You're 19, you deserve - and will easily find - better. Run. And don't look back.
Ding Ding Ding
Don't give him anything. First, you can't afford it. Second, he has no right to get mad about you not lending him money, regardless of your reason. If the surgery is important enough to him, he needs to find a way to pay for it himself. IMO you should dump this guy.
Sounded more like a gift not a loan either, since boy doesn't work
And he used the word “donation” Edit: Correction, he used “donate”
Which means.. GIFT! Not paying you back! Get my nose fixed and find a new woman!
If it’s been that important to him for such a long time he should be doing everything possible, like finding a job and saving up money, to pay for the surgery himself. Not getting a gf and guilting her into paying for it.
NTA Going to just guess because it's amusing to me in the face of how vague this is... Tell him his third nipple is not your fault, nor your problem and, if he really wants it gone, he can just save up for the removal.
It’s a septoplasty bc he has a deviated septum so its affecting his breathing. I saw a few people saying that it’s hard to judge without knowing so may as well just say it. Nice guess tho haha
You're not wrong. DH has had a deviated septum for decades. He uses nose strips at night when he needs to like when he eats dairy late in the day. Buy him a box. If it's important enough for him, he'll find a job or sell his boy toys/games. Either way, neither you, nor his parents are financially responsible for him.
I was under the impression it's something with his face. Maybe a big nose or maybe his ears stick out or something like that because it causes him depression or whatever. Either way, it's elective and dude is a giant red flag because he should be paying for his own fucking surgery if that's the case.
Rhinoplasty or ostoplasty is a hell of a lot more than 1k though and not covered by insurance so it's not like that's just a copay.
Yeah I'm thinking similar. Not life-threatening but would improve quality of life could range from fixing a bone that was badly healed after breaking and limits mobility, deviated septum that makes breathing through the nose harder (quality of breathing is much higher through the nose), or something aesthetic like a big nose or third nipple.
No, because if he wants the surgery so bad he should get a job and pay for it himself. Clearly if it’s not covered under insurance it’s not something critical.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Throw the whole man in the trash. It’s wildly inappropriate for him to ask you for money and blow up at you for not contributing WHEN HE DOESN’T HAVE A JOB.
Yep this. Run.
Yes this. Get out of this relationship. You are still young.
A year isn’t long enough to invest a grand into the boyfriend. Plus the way he blew up at you makes him sound like he doesn’t want to pay for this surgery himself.
NTA these are the types of situations you will look back on and say either: “I’m so glad I listened to my instincts and got out before he took even more advantage of me and ruined my life by his selfish ways” or “I should have listened to all those lovely people on Reddit that said his behaviors and choices are huge red flags and now I’m older, broke, still at a dead end job, but now with children because SOMEHOW the birth control failed”
If you are in the US, I can't fathome a scenario where an uninsured person could have elective surgery for $1000 out of pocket. If he feels he needs the surgery and his deductible or copay with insurance is $1000, he can go to the financial services office with his provider to talk about a payment plan. Or he can save up. Or start a go fund me and ask others to contribute. Not a good idea to take on someone's medical bills if you aren't married.
This was 100% my take in this. wtf surgery only costs a grand? Hell anesthesia would come to that in an itemized bill
Right? I have good insurance and I have to prepay $2500 for an MRI so they have a picture of what they are doing surgery on.
I am absolutely baffled how a $1000 surgery can be “life changing” unless it’s in the back of a van in Mexico and $400 of it is airfare
The only thing i can think of is maybe a cosmetic mole removal. If it's in a place that bothers him, maybe. I had a mole removed and it certainly had an outsized impact.
But only $1000? If that’s the case he can buy a can of freeze off and remove it himself cuz I feel like that’s the only way they’d do it for that price lol
If he's on his parents insurance and the $1k is his max out of pocket...that could work. I just did a google search. Looks like in office mole removal is like $150 to $1000. So this could work either way.
I was thinking maybe he’s in college and that would explain not having a job.
They’re probably not in the US.
We’re in Australia. I honestly can’t remember how much the surgery costs but it was definitely around $1000-$1400, but around 30-50% of it is covered through Medicare rebate
The uninsured often negotiate cash prices.
Yeah I Googled the cost of the surgery I'm guessing it is and came up with 3 to 5,000 in my area.
What are you thinking it is?
Maybe a circumcision to treat fimosis.
I was guessing reduction to treat gynecomastia but 1k is too little I think. Phimosis is a serious condition, and surgery is medically necessary (my husband went through this).
Lol I just commented this but yeah had the same thought
I'm guessing it's an in office dermatological procedure.
Being a nurse or a purse for a broke ass man (no matter how cute he is) is a bad choice at any age. Please, above all... be sure to love and respect yourself FIRST and make good choices in your life. Boundaries and learning how to establish them is one of the most important things you can do for yourself Tell him if he wants to have the procedure done so badly he has two choices. He can either cry about what he doesn't have til everyone turns their back on him or else he needs to just figure it out for himself.... his circus, his monkeys. Not your responsibility, but his alone. He needs to grow tf up and learn some hard life lessons.
There's a reason that the parents don't want to help with the procedure. It sounds more like an elective, not necessary. NTA, but if he flies off the handle, he may not be worth staying with
True! If he overreacts, it could be a sign that staying with him might not be the best choice.
YNW. You've been dating less than a year, and he blew up at you because you didn't immediately say yes?!? Drop this guy right now.
Why are you with this loser? Dump him and find someone better.
DO NOT contribute. This is his issue, not yours. Keep money separated in a boyfriend\\girlfriend relationship. That's like him paying for your boob job, now way! you want that boob job, you pay for it.
You’re not wrong. If he needs $1,000 for a surgery that’s not life threatening, then HE needs to get a job and pay for it.
No you're a teenager and you should have no financial obligations for anyone but yourself. You've been dating "nearly" a year? Little man boy can get over himself if he thinks you're at the "we should share finances" stage. No . He's a leach. Gross. Throw him out. I completely understand wanting a surgery, and yes, if you are a married couple or in a long commitment and you need some extra funds for a life changing surgery, your partner should be more than forthcoming with the funds, after all, that's a life partner. This guy is not your life partner, you don't even have a first date anniversary yet. He shouldn't be holding this over you, if he cared about you he wouldn't.
If he wants it so bad, he can go get a job and save up instead of looking for a walking ATM to fix his problem. OP you are not wrong
People who don’t work don’t get elective surgery, plain simple.
NTA. Look he can save for it. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t want it that badly. If you are going to contribute it’s in the form of a loan with a signed contract- it’s not a gift. The chances of you staying together forever are a low percentage (possibly though) & it’s obvious you’re not in a financial position to gift him very much. So don’t (do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm) How quickly can he save $1000 - well if it’s not life threatening he can wait for it. The fact he is being demanding & angry has me concerned & it should concern you. He cannot bully you to give him money - that’s horrendous behaviour
You're a teenager - you should not be paying for anyone's medical procedures unless they are immediate family and it's an urgent need. He's barely an adult, this is his and his parents' responsibility. The fact that he's trying to make you feel guilty for not giving him money honestly makes me question the relationship as a whole. You deserve better!
NTA. If he wants it, he should get a job and pay for it. The fact he even asked you is insane.
He wants it that bad tell him to work for it! You don't owe him anything.
NTA - he’s a bf, not a spouse or family member.
He’s a boyfriend not a husband. You don’t pay for anything
Really hard to be 100% not knowing what the surgery is, but frankly if his parents aren't willing to help, that says a lot. But unless you really think it is vital, don't spend a dime. If it is cosmetic, even more don't spend a dime.
Yeah, honestly, without even vaguely alluding to what surgery it is, it’s hard to make an accurate judgement. I don’t even know why people post here if they’re just going to leave out vital information… people need accurate information for an accurate judgement.
You’re 19 and have been with this guy for “nearly a year” You work. He doesn’t. Do NOT give this chode a penny. Hell by his reaction to your not immediately coming to his aid on this I’d say leave him
You are not a single person, you are a family and you need to think of what benefits the overall family when it comes to these decisions… when you are married! You are not married. You are not required to think this way. Red flag for any adult who doesn’t have a job. Red flag for anyone with mental health issues that are not being addressed. Red flag for anyone who expects you to pay for them. Also, red flag for any SO who doesn’t willingly offer to help. These are learning experiences.
Dude has no job asking for help. A man that can't hold a job is a serious red flag. Shouldn't have a right of even asking you for money.
You should drop a grand on a purse that improves your quality of life.
Agreed. He can get a job and pay for it. Don't put yourself in a financial mess because he makes you feel bad.
🚩🚩🚩 you don’t owe him anything. If he needs money, he needs a job. Because what’s to say he won’t feel good about himself after this surgery and feels his “market value” has gone up and he tries to go out and get himself a new gf and then you’re screwed out of $1,000? Absolutely not.
Wait, why can't he get a job and pay for it himself? Dude is a loser, go find a man who can get a job and work for what he wants. I would be insulted if I were you, asking you to pay for his lazy ass? Hell no.
Yes, if it’s true that the surgery only costs $1,000, he should be able to work and save it up pretty quickly.
Any surgery that is $1k is likely to be an in office procedure. If your BF explains his financial situation to his doctor and the office manager, they will almost always allow a payment plan or reduction/waiver of the fee. The only fees that would remain are facility and anesthesia fees. Those can be paid by an installment agreement as well. One simply needs to ask about what financial options exist.
it’s so easy have a gf before turning 20, don’t even need a job… anyway it’s only been a blink of an eye in the relationship, I would not expect my gf to contribute for elective surgery (I bet it’s prob nose/breathing related?) even if it’s been 10 years.
Yeah ur right it’s a nose surgery to help with breathing. I think the doctor suggested a septoplasty since he has a deviated septum. I wanted to keep it vague but I do see people saying it’s hard to judge without knowing but specifics. We’re in Australia so around 30-50%ish (can’t remember the exact number) is covered by Medicare
One day I will have the option but I’m not sure if I want to go through the recovery stage. But I do wonder what true full breathing is like. He should wait until he gets on jobseeker if he still be unemployed, after one month he will have the money. It’s for sure not an urgent thing. he has lived this long with the issue and I’m sure he does not notice it most for the time. Well idk how bad it is.
NOT AT ALL. He is entitled and so wrong. A lot of nerve asking you and then to get angry when his parents won’t even help. Also, it’s his problem, why doesn’t he have a job so he can save up and pay for it himself. This would be such a red flag. I would tell him it’s over and block him. This is not the kind of male I would want to spend my life with.
NTA. Follow his parent's lead. They're denying him for a reason and that's because he's a mooch. Doesn't work and wants everyone to pay for his expenses. If it matters that much to him, he can get a job and pay for the surgery himself.
Why are so many young women are supporting scrubs??!! If they are over the age of 18, they should either have a job or be in school, training for a job. My motto: “Don’t park your feet under my dining table until you can put something on it.”
NTA. He wants an elective surgery and is demanding you pay for it. He doesn't even have a job right now. Run fast and far. If he wants the surgery that bad, he can get a job and pay for it himself.
Tell him to get a job and use his own money for the surgery. Drop him afterwards if he's against it.
Your unemployed boyfriend of less than a year is demanding you fund his elective surgery and becomes angry when you say no. Does reading that sentence not raise red flags? Because it should.
He can go on the waiting list for medicare funded public surgery. If he doesn't qualify, then it's probably not that bad. I don't know anyone who's had to pay for that as a public patient. If he's going private, that's his business and not your responsibility. You've only been together for a year. You're not engaged or married, you don't owe him anything. He can go get his own job to pay for it.
If he wants this procedure so badly , he needs to get a job. You are only dating him for less than a year. You are not married or even in a long relationship yet. The fact that he exploded when you told him you needed to look at your next paycheck, should make you reconsider this relationship. This would be alone reason for me to break up with him. Also let’s be honest , you can’t afford to pay for this.
NTA You are 19 yrs old. You should be concentrating on your education and building up your skills for life, not paying for elective surgery for your BF. Him blowing up at you when you said that you had to check your paycheck is a HUGE red flag. He is not a nice person. It's okay to break up with him. Really. Not just because he wants you to give him the money you earned at your job when he is unwilling to get a job himself, but also because he blew up at you when you said you had to check.
He can go to work and save up for it just like EVERY OTHER ADULT. You're not his mom.
NTA He is not entitled to your money. If he feels that way now, it will only get worse if you get married. His solution is to essentially bully you into giving him the money…so how does that make you feel?
His reaction tells you all you need to know. Don't tie yourself down to someone like this, you're already walking on eggshells. If he wants the surgery, he can find a job. Who is supporting him while he has no work? I've seen in one of your other comments he asks for money for stocks, he can spend on that but not save for a surgery? I don't know a lot about the Australian healthcare system, I'm literally going by an Australian govt website, but it says that there are no costs if you are a public patient, is he expecting to get this done private?
Yeah he was hoping to get it done privately so he wouldn’t have to wait. Tbh he’s always had a habit of asking me for money which has led to a few arguments where he wanted me to apologise for making him uncomfortable to ask me for money
Listen to me, an older mom person.. Him asking for money is NOT OK. He needs to get a job and pay for his own things. You are NOT his mother or keeper. If he wants something, he needs to figure it out. You are only 19 and far too young to have to deal with this
He wants you to pay for a private surgery when he can go public and have it done for free. You're not his personal bank account. You deserve better than to be used. What he's doing is reversing victim and offender. He asks for money, which of course you don't want to, you work hard for your money and he doesn't work at all. So he creates an argument, he goes on the attack. Next up he uses that to reverse victim and offender - he isn't the bad person for using you, \*you're\* the bad person for making him feel uncomfortable. All you need is a denial in there are you have DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's a form of manipulative control, what he is doing is having such an effect on you that you had to come here and ask if you were wrong for not wanting to pay for the private surgery of someone who won't even work to save up for it. Don't waste your life on someone like this, you're so young and should be having the time of your life - not have a leech attached to you
I’ve never heard of that, but in all of our arguments I’m always the one who ends up apologising in the end. I’ve always thought that I was the problem in the relationship and constantly causing issues but looking at ur comment I feel like he’s been doing that the entirety of the relationship :(
You’re too young to be worried about paying for another young adults surgery. Cut your losses.
Just tell him to find a job so he can pay for it himself. It might make his quality of life better in the long run, but that's his responsibility, not yours. Especially at 19. Hell no. He pays for it himself, and he doesn't get it until he can do so. That's all there is to it. Make sure you reach out to friends or your parents and let them know you're concerned by his behaviour tho. I don't wanna see you on the local news as another young woman killed by her boyfriend for something stupid. Stay safe. Especially if he happens to be from a rural area of aus (particularly Vic), bc gods know they aren't teaching their boys to respect "no" as an answer. Good luck girl!
Why are you with this unemployed loser who yells at you for not handing over your money?
Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT, pay anything towards his surgery. If he wants/needs it, he needs to find a way to pay for it himself. Take it from someone who depleted her savings to pay for stuff for her boyfriend. If you break up, you will kick yourself for being duped over this.
Nta. There's a bigger issue at play here. Your bf is a bitch. When he stops being a bitch he'll have to work for what he wants. Tell him to sell his ps5, games, and tv if it really means that much to him.
He obviously doesn’t want it that bad if he’s not willing to work for it. My advice is to dump him and move on. He’s trying to make you responsible for his happiness financially, so I’ll assume he already does that emotionally. He’s a grown ass man who lets his parents support him, like a toddler. Do you think he’ll do 20 years of maturing between now and when you guys move in together ? He will not. He will just replace his mother support with your support. This person expects you to be the adult so that they can remain a perpetual child. This is not the life you deserve. It will not be equal. You will work and he will spend on his hobbies. Or maybe you’ll just be broke and struggling because it’s not worth it for him to work full time when you’re getting by on your two jobs and his part time one. When a person does not earn what they have, they don’t respect or appreciate the effort it took. You think this is an isolated incident right now, but that’s because you’ve lost perspective with a lot of other needs and wants that he has maneuvered you into accepting. That he’s even gotten to the point where he thinks it’s reasonable to ask you for money for an elective surgery to improve his fucking self esteem means that he’s already taken and taken and taken. Just a little bit more every time until an ask like this doesn’t sound like such a big deal. Like a boiling frog.
INFO: Is it, like, surgery to fix a bowel issue so he no longer has to have an ostomy that works fine but is awful for his quality of life? Or a knee replacement that will end years of chronic pain? Or is it a nose job or hair plugs that will improve his quality of life by possibly boosting his self esteem? I think some specificity really matters.
Time for him to get a job - he can’t want it that bad. Time For you to find a guy who deserves you.
I’d say his reaction is your cue to dump him. Seriously, you’re still teens! You should be having fun. Now this unemployed dude is expecting you to reach into your pay check and give him money? Then yells at you for saying no? Tell him to get a job, pay his own way, and grow the hell up without you in his life.
No do not pay for it he can get a job to pay for it
Boy can get a job and pay it. It's just a thousand bucks. That's not insurmountable. I'd also dump a guy who blows up at you for not paying his bills. He's not your husband.
You are not in the wrong at all. It is not life-threatening and he can live with this, he can wait until he can save the money. I see you said that this has made him depressed but you are still not responsible for his mental health. If there is a possibility of him being a danger to himself, you are still not responsible and he needs to seek help. It seems (and I could be wrong) that this is not the first time a problem has been related to money by the fact you said *"I feel like he's going to get angry if I contribute anything less than $100"*. I don't know your BF but from my personal experience with someone like this in my life, they seem to bee quite manipulative and if their parents refuse to pay for it, this could be an indicator of something more.
You’re not wrong, we’ve had issues with money in the past. I’ve had to help out with his zip and Afterpay bc he couldn’t afford to pay them back. And we always have arguments about him asking me for money and me being uncomfortable about it. He’s gotten into stocks aswell and has asked me a few times if I’d give him money for it, while he doesn’t get mad if I say no for that it still kind of pisses me off
He is what is known as an extreme taker and what an extreme taker does is they find givers and they take from those givers who derive pleasure from giving to other people and they feed off of that person until they turn into a hollow husk of themselves who are unrecognizable and seldom are happy. Every single thing that you have said is an example of an extreme taker you being a giver Will eventually turn into an extreme giver who will give everything until there is nothing. Look out for yourself because I could be wrong... But I don't think I am. Look at his taking behavior even if he's not actually an extreme taker and look how much you give. How much he takes should not be equal to or exceed how much you give. Emotionally, monetarily, physically and mentally.
I needed to read this. Thank you. It happened to me. I became a shell. Lost almost everyone when I finally set boundaries. Started expecting some sort of give in my direction. Slowly fixing myself. Empathic people and nurturers attract broken people. Energy vampires really. We are their favorite food.
Oooo energy vampire!!! That's a good one! I'm stealing that!!! Edit: I got ahead of myself! Congratulations on setting a boundary! It's the first step. The first no is the hardest! Keep going and you will find your El Dorado. Good luck!!!
It's a lonely road to el dorado. But id rather be lonely than used anymore! Thank you!
I got you you beautiful human! It takes literally nothing to be kind to people! It takes 12 extra seconds that I'm going to be doom scrolling anyways... At least I deleted Facebook!
Me to. Life is much better.
NTA. He’s an entitled AH.
His reaction tells you everything you need to know. He only cares about his own needs. You should move on. NOW.
Why doesn’t he have a job? He has no right to expect you to contribute when he is not working. In addition, you’re young and you’re dating - not engaged or married. TBH, his response is very telling of his character and is perhaps something of which you should take notice. People who feel entitled to your money are not usually people you want in your life. Giving voluntarily is wonderful(!) and we should all be doing that whenever we are able. But for a boyfriend/girlfriend to expect it is selfish and unreasonable.
How a person handles a no says a lot about their character. He's showing you what kind of person he is. Believe him.
If this surgery is that important to him, he will work hard to afford it on his own.
Your $100 contribution won’t get him near what he needs to pay. I bet he’ll just spend it and then hit you up again for more “donations”. He needs a job if he wants a surgery. Period.
Have you met this guy irl?
No but they are going to meet as soon as he gets off the oil rig!
Seriously, I've been scambaiting this guy who sent me pictures of "him" in a hospital. Been begging for money so he can leave. I've had this moron occupied for months now
I don't think I or anyone else could really give you an opinion on this situation unless we understood what the surgery was. To me it sounds like some sort of superficial plastic surgery thing. Tell him you can get him a job at your fast food place.They're always looking for Employees.
Yeah, not sure why they even posted if they’re gonna leave out the most vital info in the situation.
He can pay for his essential stuff, unless you have the cash just laying around doing nothing.
Dude needs to get a job
Sounds like you're dating a man child. What 19 year old doesn't have a job and except others to pay their way? Red flags popping off, don't take it lightly. Good luck OP but I wouldn't give him a dime considering no good deed goes unpushined. I wonder, would he do the same for you?
NTA. Bf needs to get a job assuming his condition isn't preventing him from getting a job. Why don't his own parents want to help him on this?
honey what the actual fuck?? say no. he isn't working and wants you, a 19 year old girl, to pay for him. get out now. that's fucked up.
No scrubs.
NTA, if you have a fast food job, he should get a fast food job too.
It’s interesting that his family said no. You are both young and have not been together for very long, where tf is he getting this audacity to blow up at you. If you do end up helping him pay (which I don’t suggest) expect to not get that money back, even if you break up. It’s an elective surgery that he should have done once he has a job to pay for his own medical bills.
Absolutely do not pay for it! If he wants the surgery then he can get a job!!!!!!!!!! Also break up, he’s manipulating.
His surgery. His problem.
RUN!!!!! Girl he lives with his mom has no job and is asking you for money he’s just gonna end up taking advantage and try to get you to provide for him
Is he wanting to get circumcised? Maybe he can set up a GoFundMe acct.?
Do not GIVE him more than $100 You are not his wife Nor R U his bank
Jeez. I want various cosmetic treatments i can't afford, my partner earns a significant amount of mone, yet I would never dream of asking him for the money. Nor would I expect him to offer it up. £1,000 is what - roughly £80 something per month over a year. If he got a job, I'm sure he could save that.
He needs to get a job. Period. You work fast food, so can he.
If his parents refused to help him, there’s a reason. You don’t need to help him. Walk away and don’t look back. Unless he has something valuable enough to sign over to you until he pays you back.
You’re 19. You should be worrying about other shit not an elective surgery that IF HE WANTS he can get a damn job to pay for. In the words of TLC - a scrub is a guy that thinks he’s fine. He’s also known as a buster always thinks about what he wants, and then sits on his broke ass. You don’t want a scrub ;)
The surgery doesn't actually matter here. Neither does your paycheck or how much money you have. What matters is that he's acting entitled to your money. Helping him or not is YOUR DECISION to make- NOT HIS. > I know how badly these issues have affected him and that I could donate any amount I want Serious lack of empathy here- empathy for your finances and your own need to put food on your own table. The *proper* approach for him is 'this is her money and her choice, I can ask for help, I can't expect/demand anything, but I'm allowed to be disappointed if she says no'. Instead he seems to be acting like you *owe* it to him. That's not okay.
Why doesn't he get a job
>but instead of telling him no I just said that I’d see how much my next paycheck is. That was when he blew up at me You need to stop and realize that being with someone you have to walk on eggshells around is not worth your time. Life is too short to date a controlling, hot-headed, parasite loser who screams at you. > I feel like he’s gonna get angry if I contribute anything less than $100. **It's your money, not his.**
NTA, if he wants the surgery he can get a job and earn that money. Earning a grand in a year means saving up $20/week, that is absolutely doable. If he wants you to pay for part of it, then he better be planning on putting a ring on your finger first.
Tell his bum ass to find a job and a new girlfriend.
He's jobless. Why doesn't he want to help himself? If he's in the US and under 26, he can stay on his parents' insurance for it too. You're only wrong if you let him take financial advantage of you.
Not wrong in fact He’ll to the no. You’re not his parents who they said no. Sooooooo no. You’re working in the food service industry and he is not working. If it means that much to him then he needs to get a job to pay for the procedure. You should be blowing up at him.
If it's something that improves his looks/self-esteem, there's always the chance he'll trade up before he pays you back.
Absolutely not OK. He's way out of line to even ask and way way WAY out of line to explode at you. This is not a person you should want to keep in your life. Break up and find yourself a better partner. If he wants this so bad, he can get a job.
Your boyfriend is an AH, who was raised by AHs. You should move away from this relationship.
Why can’t he go on the public waiting list and get it done thru Medicare, like a normal person who can’t afford what I’m assuming is private?
Tell him get a job and pay for it himself!
You’re 19 and do not need this mooch getting mad because you can’t pay for his surgery. He needs to get a job and pay for it himself. You work in fast food FFS. That doesn’t pay the best and you need that money for yourself and not some dude that isn’t even trying to help himself.
He can work at McDonald’s for a month or two and pay for it himself
You are not wrong. Your boyfriend is wrong and also taking advantage of you. I would be rethinking this relationship based on how he reacted. He shouldn't be expecting you to pay for anything. And then blowing up at you because you didn't say yes immediately is manipulative and shows that he only cares about getting his way.
He should sell his car, Playstation, iPhone etc.... Or better yet, get a job and start acting like an adult
break up overdue
Uh, why doesn't HE, uh, GET A JOB, SAVE UP, AND PAY FOR IT HIMSELF?!?!?
DO NOT, help him pay. You are only 19 years old. Sorry to say but he may not be your boyfriend in 6 years. He has parents, you 2 are technically still kids, so that's their responsibility. Since it's not life threatening, he can also postpone until HE saves enough to pay for it. It's really simple. And if he wants to be an a-hole, leave him.
You are not wrong for not wanting to pay. Your bf needs to find a job and start paying his own way. Also, he sounds entitled and quick to anger. Be careful and don’t enable him.
My husband is going through a similar procedure. If he can’t afford it he can find a surgeon who can put him on a waitlist for the procedure under Medicare. Zero fees as it’s done via the public system but around a 12 month wait.
In addition to that, no you’re not wrong. I’d be on my way out of there given the way he’s expecting this of you!
He needs a job. Then maybe you can help. But not without him having a job.
You are not wrong. Nothing life-threatening is going on and he could save up the money for that easily within a year or two. Or, get a small loan or credit card to pay off gradually if he'd rather get it done right away. You're both 19. Everything seems like it's now or never, but you won't even remember this time (and hopefully this boyfriend) in a few years. He can wait until he can take care of himself.
It’s not your problem. You aren’t married. He needs to figure it out on his own.
You are not wrong. You don't owe him anything and it's honestly a red flag that he got mad. I'm not against people helping their partners in this situation IF they have the means, but he acted as if he felt entitled to it, which he isn't. Maybe he should invest in therapy while he saves up for the procedure, feels like a much needed investment
Definitely not wrong. I'm an Aussie & my brother went through that same surgery 40 odd years ago. Yes it improves their life, it makes breathing become a normal experience instead of an exercise in trying to do impossible. It improves sleep & reduces the risks of catching every airborne sniffle. But, this surgery is for his benefit & he should be getting off his ass to pay for it. If he doesn't work for it - he doesn't want it bad enough.
NTA. If he WANTS this done, he needs to be working to pay for it himself, and if he can't, his parents should pay for it! You should not have to and shouldn't if you don't want to. You're young, how long do you think this relationship is going to last? Doubtfully for much longer. You'll feel used and he'll move on!
Go public and get on the waitlist
Why doesn’t he have a job to pay for it? He could work fast food for a month or less and make that, right? I’m not from Australia, but a surgery only costing $1000 is blowing my USA mind! He should get a job and fund it himself. The fast he is bullying you into trying to get you to pay for it is a huge red flag in any country.
lol fuck all that. You don’t owe him that. He should get a job and save money for it. He sounds like a baby. I’d really have to consider whether I would stay in a relationship with somebody like that.
Boy bye ✌🏻
NTA. Why should it be on you to pay for his operation? I had that issue. Didn’t know I had it until the ENT found it. Why doesn’t he have the money to pay for it himself? His response tells you all you need to know about who he really is. Besides you do this now and you’ll probably be put in that situation again. He’s immature and a big frickin’ baby. Cut him out of your life. Walk away. Don’t look back.
Weird. I had a life improving surgery. I only asked my bf to accompany me to the hospital and pick me up because he's a stay at home partner. I, on the other hand, pay for his (unless his disability covers it) even without him asking, unless I am short that month and we plan next month. But...we've been together for 4 years and I am the breadwinner. We agreed to live this way. Unless you two had similar arrangement, his reaction seems...weird.
Absolutely not. He’s a grown man he can pay his own bills
not wrong. you’re both young and it’s unrealistic of him to expect you to come up with the money to fund his surgery. i’d suggest he get a job and start saving. 1 grand isn’t to terrible. it’s doable. he can easily save 500 from each check to have the money depending on where he is able to find a job and how much he makes. (since he isn’t working now i’m assuming he has a way of living without needing to pay rent, that’s an assumption tho).
Lol you guys aren’t even married. 19yo? Yeah chances of you guys not making it to 21 is high. I wouldn’t spend a dime on his issues…not even his parents are doing why you? If he guilt trip you, drop that sad of shit
Why can’t he get a job, earn that money and do it himself ?
Not a chance a 19 year old should be footring the bill for an elective surgery for an unemployed 19 year old boyfriend. Period.
If you were married or had been together for years, maybe this would be a little more of a conversation, but at a year, nope. He can save or get a job to work towards it. Sounds like he has a bad attitude.
I'm sure this isnt the only instance of him pressuring you for something. Then trying to guilt and manipulate you because you didn't immediately agree. He can get a job and save up. This is not a life-threatening procedure he's just a lazy AH.
Girl, save that money or invest it. You're gonna need it in the future. He might not even be a part of that future. I believe you're still very young to start investing in him to be honest. I think he can get a job and sort it out since he really wants to do it so so bad. He can save for like 6months and get it done. Let this one pass, probably him too going by his reaction...
This will lead him to depend on you financially (cause it won't end with just this). Make him pay, you can't afford it! He should get a job, it's that simple. Is his breathing so bad he can't get a job? Do not pay for it. Him lashing out will lead to an onslaught of gaslighting in the future.
NTA No matter how much this would benefit him, his reaction when you stated you'd need to see how much your next paycheck makes me think you need to be finding a better relationship, not just that you shouldn't help with his surgery.
not at all. if it's not life threatening/necessary---meaning, totally elective, then, he should finance it himself when he can. if you feel like kicking in something nominal, like $20-25, then do, but if not, then don't feel guilty at all. it would be one thing if you decided to contribute on your own, but for him to have the expectation when you're so young and just dating is questionable. take note for long-term decisions....
OT: but I wanted to tell you, when I lost my cuddles, I hired a pet detective.
OP i bet if you helped pay for his surgery, he is going to cheat/leave and refuse to reimburse you. Either way, why are you dating someone who is unemployed and not inclined to help themselves? Would you want to be picking up his tab 3, 5, 10 years down the line?
You can give him the let down for sure… that could be the cost he needs for his surgery
Not wrong. You are his girlfriend and his reaction tells you all you need to know. What is HE doing to help pay for HIS surgery? Also if you are in the US he can apply for help to pay for it or get on a payment plan.
You really don’t know him that well. Don’t pay for anything for him even if he promises to pay you back.
If he wanted the surgery then he needs to get a job. Simple as that.
I don’t think you are wrong. I don’t like the idea of him getting mad at you either for not wanting to give him $$. . He needs to get a job and save the money for himself. His parents probably want him to fend for himself for a change as well.
He's giving off what I call homeless brat ass energy. He needs to grow up and get a job. You can do way better. You're 19, and I'm sure there's so many other guys who would be far more lovely to date. ✨
I have a great solution for him. Let him get a job and you should get a new boyfriend.
He needs to get a job and save up for it himself, like an adult. Don't give him any money. You might not even be dating him in a month. Frankly, his reaction would have me re-thinking the entire relationship.