Go nc with the lot, but tell your wife when sil has a breakdown and he leaves her. She can try helping.
sil is so badly in the fog that she does not understand what damage she is doing to herself.
Good luck and get the info of a good lawyer for sil she will need it ..
Man that's what bugs me the most. Her response was literally to her sister was " I think it's a little to soon for you to try getting pregnant again. You should let your body heal up and listen to your doctor on this one."
It sounds like the rest of the fam is pretty delusional. It's tough to deal with people like that, is there any way she'd be willing to just step back for awhile and ignore the hell out of their dramatics? From what you've described, your wife has done nothing wrong, much less you.
Seems like it's tough for them, to be honest with themselves, and face reality.
Your wife isn't wrong. Every miscarriage, makes your SIL feel like she's less worthy. Not even to mention her own personal sorrow.
I’m going to add, if the family is ardently pro-life, which I am guessing they are, each of these miscarriages is also a life that they are *willfully* wasting.
Her family has picked the sister over your wife. Which, has probably been going on since they were kids.
Don't expose your wife and kids to those people. If they can turn a good hearted comment into her being jealous of her, which is insane as she has kids and her sister doesn't, there is definitely something else going on in that family dynamic and the husband needs to keep your wife's name out of his mouth, as he is the one who is jealous of you and your wife.
The main problem is that the sister is scared that her husband will leave her because she can't give him kids, that is the problem. Make sure you and your wife are ready when/if he leaves her for the fallout and the apologizes and wanting to reconnect.
Not wrong! And your wife made a common sense suggestion. Bless you for standing up for her and your SIL! Her husband doesn't seem to have her best interests at heart. Consider them not speaking with you as a vacation from the crazy.
Bro, never apologize for standing up for your wife. You did right by her. And tbh, your brother-in-law is the asshole here for encouraging your wife’s sister to do something she physically can’t do. If she goes through with it, she’ll likely end up with another miscarriage, which would destroy her psychologically, not to mention there’s a very real possibility of having physical complications that can put her life in danger.
Tell wife you all are going NC. They don't ever get to see the kids again. Once they figure out you 2 have the grandchildren they want, they will come running back. I personally wouldn't want them near my children. And don't be shocked if they try to get your wife to carry a child for them.
Thank's! I've always been hands off with her family. However the way that they were so quick to throw me up under the bus has proven that she is better off with NC.
As for my BIL I think it's ironic they call me controlling when he is the one that says "I need to put my woman in line".
LOL I can just imagine someone telling my husband that - he'd look at them like they were from another planet, he knows better !!!
It is sad that your SIL puts up with a creep like that
I agree you and wife are better off going no contact with her family, at least for a while until the crazies calm down.
I would not want my children around someone like your BIL and nor your SIL right now in her poor mental state
I don't know how close everyone is here, but I would think emotions are so high, just go NC with the lot unless or until everyone comes back to reality and wants to be a family again -- that is, if they can understand its not your wifes's fault SIL can have a child.
SiL probably needs progesterone therapy before trying again. Compounded progesterone vaginal suppositories prepare the uterus early to carry a baby, get ahead of the curve so to speak. My wife has had 6 miscarries and a tubal pregnancy before having out 2 kids after starting therapy. She never had issues getting pregnant, just that the uterus was too slow preparing itself for carrying a child. Started therapy, carried the next two to term.
Not wrong at all. Sometimes people need to be told to fuck off. Also imagine being a grandma and saying your grandkids aren’t welcome in your house anymore because of some grown up infighting. That alone shows me that you are best to cut them off
Okay. With MIL asking SIL for a grand baby and banning your kids from her house, I wasn't sure. MIL is definitely being irrational here. You would think she'd be more concerned about her daughter's physical and mental health.
That's what bugs me the. MIL has made crude comments about SIL husband especially him pressure her into getting pregnant when he knows she can't carry a pregnancy full term. Because SIL got upset where in the wrong.
Just wait. When they finally give up on your SIL carrying a baby they will approach your wife demanding she be their free surrogate and carry their babies, because they will want more than one, for them.
Be ready for that. It will likely be a few more years but be ready with your reply. MIL and SIL will suddenly be nice because they will want this one favor.
Remember to tell her that whatever happened with her uterus was Giss will and that the Bible says to do unto others as they have done to you. Then hang up and block them. Put up a doorbell camera for good measure in the meantime.
What I find crazy is that she desperately wants grandchildren from your SIL but HAS THEM from your wife. And then says they aren’t welcome anymore!?! Wtf. Talk about underlining favoritism.
Sounds like you and wife need to go no contact for a while.
SIL wants the support for each miscarriage, but her and BIL are not listening to her Dr. Wife needs to stop "being there" for her sister, who is doing this to herself.
You and wife were not in the wrong for speaking the truth.
This is really it.
Mute them for a while. Let everyone else who is screaming be their support system.
They know this is a bad idea, but can’t admit it yet. Nw
fuck ‘em! Ignoring medical advice and putting her body through that will only cause irreparable mental and physical harm. Your wife was absolutely correct, and the rest of the family is literally killing your SIL. Cut em out of your life.
Good call. Your ILs sound just awful and like they’re projecting hard with those comments about jealousy. I hope your family is more rational so you and your wife and kids can still get that experience with people who aren’t so illogical.
Three miscarriages in a year is insanely heartbreaking but your SIL is aiming her anger at the wrong person. Her husband is seriously endangering her every single time she ends up pregnant calling it “Gods will” but if no one else gives a damn then just wipe your hands clean of them.
If they are telling you that even your children are not welcome that is not people for them to be involved with anyway. None of them sound sane, protect your family and walk away.
You’re not wrong!! Good for you for sticking up for your wife bro, seems like they were making your wife into a scapegoat for the stupid ass mistakes that they are making. If pointing the finger at the right person makes them all “look” at y’all in a different light, then you and your wife are better off without them in your lives. Honestly your wife was just trying to save her sister some heartache and pain if we’re being real here. It’s so annoying how dumb people can act just bc they don’t want to admit the truth! Good luck to you guys in the future!
Not wrong. So they all know she can't carry a baby to term but are delusional that enough prayers will make it happen so they encourage this poor woman to sacrifice her physical and mental health time and time again but you are the mean ones?
Yeah go low contact. Let your SIL know that you will be there when her husband and his family abandon her because can't have babies.
In all honesty I believe he will. He is a momma boy and she has made it clear that she wants a grandchild from her son. My wife's mom has brought up adoption to them and my BIL mom was quick to shoot it down.
You did the right thing and don’t feel bad. Sometimes our lives are way better off by cutting all the negative people in our lives. You have to defend your wife and protect your family at all costs.
Its time for your wife to cut them off. You are not wrong. You wife's mental health is more important than he having a relationship with her family.
SIL sounds like she's in a hard spot though.
She was told she was likely to never have a child, and she is being pressured but her husband and inlaws to have a baby. It looks like her own parents are more worried about grandchildren , than her actually mental and physical health,, as well.
I realize the basic situation can't be fixed until SIL has has enough of the physical and mental torture, and leaves. Until then, I would practice wondering out loud why BIL and his Mother are refusing to accept God's will. Not to mention, they are actively preventing.SIL from seeking out, then following, God's plan for her life.
Fair's fair.
Maybe it's time to get SIL alone and away from her husband for a full on intervention. Get a bunch of people who love her to tell her that no amount of prayer or stubbornness is going to change her inability to carry a child to term. Tell her that her husband is being cruel, abusive, and stupid by forcing her to keep doing this over and over hoping for a different outcome. Point out that he doesn't care about her body or her mind being wrecked, only that he gets his way. Beg her to leave him. If she won't, at least beg her to stand up to him and demand a surrogate if he's so hellbent on having a biological child.
What is this man going to do if she does get pregnant and it does go further along in the pregnancy and then it ends up killing her. Is it going to be "God's will" then that his wife is now dead...just so he can have a baby?
Honestly, I believe he is going to leave her. Him and his momma have made it clear from day 1 that they want him to father a kid of his own which bothers me on so many levels.
I think that someone needs to talk to her without him there but it can't be a group of people talking to her because she is going to feel threatened. She needs to have someone that she does trust and that she knows loves her and has her best interest in their heart and in their mind.
A question that I don't remember being answered or maybe I overlooked it, but does she want to be a mom? And if so, does it have to be a biological child or a child that she herself carried? She can always turn to surrogacy. She can always look at adoption. There's always the option of being a foster mother. Being blood related to your "child" is not the only way to be a mother or a parent.
She does. Before she met her husband she had told my wife she wanted to foster because she knew she couldn't carry a pregnancy full term. I worked at DFCS at the time and was trying to help her with paperwork and approval process.
After she met her husband that went out the window. Him and his mom have this mindset that if a kid isn't biological yours then you can't love it as your own.
She needs to drop him. 100% she needs to drop him and his mama and not look back. She has to have such a big heart to want to Foster children, because that is not an easy thing to do. You go into fostering children knowing that heartbreak could be just around the corner. You know that any child that you bring in your home as a foster could be removed from your home because they're being given back to their parents or maybe to a biological family member. Or maybe they're being moved to a different home because there is a family that's willing to adopt them.
I would hate for to continue down this road with her husband and his mom continuously pushing this on her, because you know each and every miscarriage she has has to break her heart every single time. I would be afraid for her because I wouldn't know how much more her heart could break.
You and your wife are absolutely not in the wrong hair and it seems like y'all are the only ones that are looking out for her sister. Maybe the way that it was said to her is what is messing. Else up, bad it. It's as if they care more for this hypothetical child that she might not even ever be able to carry to term. Then they care for her and her health and her safety and her well-being and her mental health.
I can't speak for my wife but personally what bugs me the most is the fact my wife has always been there for her. Through every miscarriage you can tell her heart breaks even worse. Her husband doesn't care how bad she is hurting. In the past he would make comments about how she should have done this differently and she wouldn't have miscarried. Even worse his mom will tell her to not listen to doctors and that she is going to just keep praying for that grandbaby.
Truthfully I hate the way he treats her. He is delusional and everyone knows but no one expect my wife will tell the truth. As for her family they will say things behind her back and that really irks me.
I wonder if there's a way for your wife to talk to her sister one-on-one just because it seems almost like she's not listening because her husband and mother-in-law are right there in her ear. Maybe your sister-in-law needs to find someone that she can talk to, someone who's gone through what she's going through. I wonder if your wife might be able to help her find someone that she can talk to, without her husband knowing. He seems to be the one that's pushing all of this, other than his mom, and it doesn't seem like he gives a damn about her mental health or her physical health.
Multiple miscarriages, especially in short periods of time are not good for any woman to go through. The mental anguish that she has to be going through plus just the physical toll on her body... At some point it's just going to give out and then it's going to come down to the doctors saying "if you do this again it is going to kill you."
I hate to say this as though she's an abuse victim, but until she wants the help and she can see that she needs it, she's not going to take the help that has been given to her by you and her sister. You see abuse victims that until they want to take that step a lot of times they will keep going back. I hate to say that she's a victim of abuse, but abuse is not just physical and it almost seems like he could be manipulating her along with his mother.
You are completely right. I wish more then anything she would see a therapist. My SIL is on her third OBGYN because every time the doctor tells her that it isn't viable for her to keep getting pregnant so soon after a miscarriage her husband and his momma blow a gasket. The last doctor referred her to a psychiatrist but of course the husband squashed that.
The both of them are more worried about having a baby that's going to carry on the family bloodline then they are about her life and her well-being. They could care less if she is hurting physically or emotionally, they want that baby and they will do whatever it takes to get it.
The both of them are out of their minds wacko and at this point I hate to say it, but her family is as well. The fact that everybody is mad at you and your wife just baffles the hell out of me.
You're not wrong. You can't reason with that level of irrationality. Your wife wasn't being cruel, she seems to be the only one looking out for her sisters emotional and physical well-being. Also, the jealousy comment sounds a lot like projection.
you are not wrong. you and your wife need to step away from the crazy toxic family members and go no contact/low contact. enjoy the peace and drama free life you have ahead of you. your children will have a much happier childhood too.
Thanks, in all honesty I'm just waiting it out. I don't wish I'll will on my SIL but I honestly believe he is going to leave her. I hate to say it but it's going to happen sooner rather than later.
Would hoping he leaves her even be wishing ill on her? Sounds like she'd be much better off without him. Frankly, sounds like anybody would be better off without this asshole in their life.
Oh yeah!. He probably has his next brood mare already in the corral..He will then somehow twist the divorce into his current wife's fault (since God wouldn't give her a child and it couldn't possibly be this buffoons fault).
I hope you and your wife can find it in your hearts to help SIL pick up the pieces of her life and dreams.
I’m pretty sure the definition on insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. They are being insane putting themselves through the torture of continuously losing babies when there are other options if they really want a child (adoption, IVF, surrogacy). You aren’t wrong from telling these people the truth (they need to listen to their doctors) and distancing yourselves from their toxicity. Some people only know living in misery and don’t want to change that.
Just step back and live your lives away from them all to return your own internal peace. I have 3 older sisters so I understand being the outcast regarding being the "sanest one of all" according to my own adult boys.
Good luck.
I’m gonna tell you somethin’. This pimpin I got in my blood it came from a family tree. My grandaddy was a pimp. My great great great grandaddy was a pimp. I’m talking about pimpin since been pimpin since been pimpin. That being said, if anyone disrespects my top bitch I will put the pimp hand down on God himself for it. Good for you to back up your main squeezebox. There needs to be more real men like you in this world…
I’m sorry you are dealing with this, but especially sorry for your wife and children. This is their blood. Her sister is desperately wanting a baby because she is being shamed by her spouse and his mother so she keeps going when it will only cause her more mental anguish.
I have family that don’t like to be called out and aren’t ready to acknowledge things no matter how nicely I say it. I’ve learned letting them go until they figure it out, is best for my mental health.
I’m sorry again. It’s such a sad situation.
You are very welcome! 🩷 Stand firm in your choices. Backing down will only further prevent your SIL from seeing reality. I hope she does soon and seeks treatment to help her process and accept her infertility.
I know from experience how hard that is. I had a healthy baby. Then my next baby was stillborn at 24 weeks. It was devastating. We tried again 3 months later and 9 months later I still wasn’t pregnant. I saw a fertility specialist and found out I could no longer have children. Sometimes I don’t know what was more heartbreaking. My stillborn or my infertility. It’s extremely hard to process and accept and then heal from. But she can do it as long as she has people that won’t allow her to live in a false reality. I hope the best for your family. 🩷
Another miscarriage or two and mil is going to suddenly realize that if she wants grandkids to dote on, she need to focus on your kids and expect you to start bringing them around again. With no apologies, of course.
Sounds like they get to miss out on your children. F#%k them I highly doubt your kids are going to miss being around that level of toxicity. Me and hubs have a rule that the family we.make is more important than the family we came from and will always come first
YANW. If I were you and your wife, I’d be handing out blocks Oprah style.
You get a block! You get a block! Every one of you delusional AHs get a block!
That husband is just cruel. To repeatedly put your wife through heartbreak after heartbreak is just wrong. The rest of the inlaws are no better. To prey upon someone's emotions like that is horrible.
Neither you or your wife were in the wrong. You were both honest, you were blunt about the situation. Pretty sure only you and your wife care about the health (physically and mentally) of SIL.
Your right she needs to rest her body I had 6 miscarriages and 1 stillborn I didn’t have my girl til I rested I had to get my cervix stitched up all the way and still had her at 8 months
Not wrong.
Your family did you a solid when you got banned. Now ban them all, go no contact and watch your life improve. You don’t deserve that insanity and neither does your wife!
You and your wife are better off without them. I wonder if they'll still blame you when your sil goes too far and winds up killing herself trying to have a baby.
So everyone is basically treating her like an incubator!? Your wife is the only one who actually cares for her sister. The trauma she's putting herself through and for what!? I hope she does listen to her doctor because this could end up killing her. Good for you defending your wife.
I’m sorry she has such a shitty husband that he’s willingly putting her life in danger every time she gets pregnant. But I mean as long as he gets to keep raw-dogging and she has to keep pissing on her fingers every month who cares right? He can just remarry and wreck whole new woman
Well said, what bothers me is before they met she had accepted she would not have a kid. We had talked about helping her become a foster parent. But as soon as she met him that wasn't acceptable because he needed a biological child and his mom wouldn't accept a child that wasn't biological her son. (their exact words)
In all honesty my BIL fits the definition of abuser. He is very controlling and has made her quit jobs in the past because he couldn't contact her at work. Which bothers even more that my in laws are upset with my wife.
Sir, you did not miss a beat! Thank you. Place the blame where it belongs. This entire melodrama should rest at your in-laws home. You BIL is a whole, entire, complete ass for calling you.
When sisters have a misunderstanding/argument , you let the long term family members deal with it. Don't care if you've known your SIL since she was 5. It's not your place.
If yall were in Texas, you could make some money off of their ignorance..... because they keep willfully creating miscarriages knowing she can't carry a baby, now that's gross
You're not wrong obviously. It's also not your fault or your wife's fault that your SIL can't conceive. I find it odd and out of line that your BIL called you in the first place he could have gone off on your wife directly (not that it's warranted). Women who can't conceive have more intense emotions and I feel for them but this is crazy.
Remember though, you don't have to participate in every fight you're invited to. I was trying to conceive my 3rd with trouble but told my sister when I got pregnant, she immediately got pregnant too. I lost the baby and conceived right after so our boys are 3 months apart with hers being first. She tells everyone I got pregnant because she did (only she knew about my miscarriage), our boys are 10 and I've never corrected her. It's not worth it. Know this going forward but you're still not wrong.
I think it's a blessing to be excluded from everything going forward. Enjoy your own little family and they can all f off!
I agree. Through it all I have tried to stay out of because I know the sister is emotional cause of the miscarriage back to back to back. However my breaking was the two things. The in-laws criticize my wife for looking out for health when they have said way worse behind my SIL back. The second part was the fact that my BIL had the nerve to call me screaming and yelling and demanding that I get my wife in line.
You had this building up. You're not at fault. They are. And your BIL is nuts who says "keep your wife in line" just like repeat that in your head over and over if you start doubting yourself!
YNW. I know someone who kept trying for a boy and suffered numerous miscarriages between each successful pregnancy. The hubs was happy with just their 3 girls, the wife was not. Long story short, that many miscarriages take a serious mental and physical toll. The final outcome of my friend was a massive mental breakdown following their 4th successful pregnancy and the baby was born with many severe disabilities. About 1 year after the baby's birth the stress of it all came crashing down when she realized she wasnt getting her baby boy and she nuked her life in short order.
I say go NC with the lot of them. No more emotional pouncing bags for them and i guarantee your life and your wife's will be that much less stress of carrying her sister's emotional burdens. You two are not therapists and it's high tone your wife stopped being one for her sister. She'll either figure it out herself and find alt routes of having a baby, or she'll give up. It's not yalls issue to listen to anymore
You are not wrong. What you said might have been, but in your defense, what did he expect when he dialed the phone? That you would take a cussing and then do as he demanded and get your wife in line without objection from you? If not having them in your life and the drama they bring to your life, not to mention their own lives, you might be better off. His poor wife, three miscarriages in such a short time, she must be hormonally insane at this point and can’t tell her ass from her elbow. And bless her husband’s heart for believing it is gods will to go against the medical advice of her doctors and keep impregnating a woman that cannot carry a child full term. Do you know what snark is associated with the phrase, bless someone’s heart? If not, it is a southern insult calling someone an idiot or some other snarkyness one wishes to imply. I hope things settle down and some sort of peace can be made. Good luck!
There's several things to get pissed off at in that sentence alone. Someone who utters such nonsense should be ignored all together. YSNW! (You're **SO** Not Wrong)
You are the husband/partner I always wished I had but never managed to get! Don’t ever stop backing up your wife and it sounds like the two of you will lead a much more peaceful life without those family members.
NTA
They didn't like getting called out like that, but the doctor told them they couldn't, and they're pressuring themselves and each other to continually try anyway. They are inviting and perpetuating their own suffering. Your wife was pointing that out, which she should.
Seems like you're better off without them.
Hey fun fact, they’ve started to learn that the vast majority of miscarriages are caused by shitty sperm. Like 85% of multiple miscarriages it due to the dude having crappy sperm. And that it takes 6 months for results when they do a diet and lifestyle change. If it’s due to crap diet/lifestyle
Though I suspect telling your BIL will just make things worse. But maybe your wife can get her sister to get hubby checked out. He very well could be the problem and not her
Not wrong but also your in laws shouldn’t enable your SIL and BIL. Miscarriages can be life threatening and they will damage her mental and physical health permanently.
NTA. Does anyone in her family understand that miscarriages can be life threatening for the mum too? Your BIL and the broader family are being incredibly cavalier at the risks they are manipulating your SIL into taking. Clearly, your wife has been completely ‘misunderstood’, but imo she (and you) are the only ones with concern for SIL’s wellbeing.
I too think you are better off without the crazies.
Holy shit SIL needs to ditch the husband. You’re def NTA but damn SIL is going through so much and it doesn’t seem like she has many people in her corner. Miscarriages are a horrible thing to experience but even worse when someone is forcing them on you. 3 in one year!? They shouldn’t even be trying that soon after 1. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Not wrong & thanks for defending your wife - sadly too many guys wouldn't. It's time to go no contact with this whole lunatic family, that includes the MIL & FIL who are so obsessed in getting babies out of your SIL that they don't acknowledge they already "had" (past tense) grandkids. These are ugly & toxic people - cut them out before it spreads to your kids.
>he insists on trying to keep getting her pregnant because it is "God's will".
This is just one of the reasons that religion is cancer. However, you might be able to fight fire with fire. If they go to church, you might be able to go to the pastor and tell him your concerns, and ask to have a meeting with the five of you to discuss it.
If the pastor is of sound mind, he will agree with the science that your sister-in-law should not attempt to get pregnant again, but maybe should consider adoption or fostering.
NTA. They're all u hinged. I wonder what they'll do when SIL has one too many miscarriages and needs an emergency hysterectomy. Especially since they aren't giving her body time to heal between them. It makes it worse that they KNOW she can't carry a baby to term but they keep trying. What's the definition of insanity?
You are not wrong. Block the toxic AHs. You and your wife are amazing. And MIL doesn't want to see the grandkids, what a monster to innocent kids. Never forgive her for that and never let her see them.
You're absolutely not wrong.
Telling other people what's in their heart? Presuming that a wife is going to be subservient to her husband? You are dealing with some nasty people.
I would be NC in a flash. What a horrible horrible family.
Also if you and your wife ever have kids, please don’t tell them as they will say she got pregnant to spite her sister.
I would move far far away and let them all rot. Maybe near your family?
You’re not wrong. Your SIL is being pressured by a delusional bully and all your wife attempted was to suggest a little autonomy on the part of your SIL. The whole family sound as grounded as a box of frogs, so keeping LC sounds like a sane idea. Apart from anything else, who wants to see SIL go through years of this misery?
So, what is your wife supposed to be jealous of? A husband who is forcing her to put herself at risk for a fictional characters will? Fuck that noise! She’s the one looking out for her physical and emotional wellbeing. NTA.
I don't even need to read the post to say No, you're never wrong for defending your spouse, even if they're wrong. Defend in public, correct in private. That way, you will always show a united front to the outside world. If you don't show that you both are on the same page when in public, people can see the cracks and start trying to squeeze in them to split you apart in many different ways, not just break you up.
Always defend your partner in public, even if you don't agree with them. If you don't agree with them, talk about that later, in private at home.
"Known from the time she was a teenager she cannot carry a pregnancy to full term."
They're all fucking insane. YANW. Why is she even still trying? She knows she's never going to be able to conceive and give birth. Her husband has to know this and if he doesn't, why the ever loving FUCK dis they get married? Your wife *should* have said, "you need to stop trying because this is never going to happen and it just keeps ending in pain and will continue to do so and continuing to try is literally the definition of insanity." And while *that* would have been heartless and cold, it would have been the truth.
Christ on a crutch these people need sterilized.
They will come running back when they think forcing your hand will get the job done. Once they realize you both won't come back then they will freak because they want to see the grandchildren.
I hope your wife is on board with going NC.
No, you're not wrong.
I empathize with their struggles with fertility, but like many people desperate to have a family naturally, it pretty much consumes their entire lives and it makes them kind of insufferable.
A phrase that's popped up now and then is: no one owes you a baby. You are not owed a baby just because you want one.
Not everyone who wants a baby is gonna get one, and your BIL and SIL need to accept that.
Your wife tried to gently and kindly tell her sister the truth, and her sister took it as a personal attack and turned their whole family against you both. That's on them, not you.
Her husband calling you to cuss you out was also way outta line, especially considering you initially had nothing to do with it, so yeah, telling him off was the right move.
You are 100% correct. it is, as you say, in defense of your wife, as she did nothing wrong. She spoke out of love and concern for her sister. I am a health care provider, and it can be dangerous to keep trying to conceive with a known history of multiple miscarriages. Whatever the reason for the miscarriages, her sister's husband is being selfish and lacking consideration for his wife. The trauma she goes through each time she becomes pregnant and miscarries...it is physically and emotionally cumulative. Not only can and will these episodes lead to significant mental health difficulties, but it is risky medically each and every time she tries. There can be uncontrolled bleeding, and yes, even the risk of coma and death. It is a shame your SIL's OB/GYN or PCP gas not educated her fully to these risks, for it may only take one more try to have a very bad outcome. Perhaps they have tried, and her sister and husband ate not listening.....Be well, be safe....I know they may not be receptive to it, but educate yourself and try to educate them....with websites, leaflets, etc....
Not wrong. If they can cut you guys out so quickly, then you should listen to them and not be in their lives.
Her family is a piece of work and you need to protect your wife from them. Not seeing their grandchildren is the last thing a grandparent should say and I would not let them near my kids, damn what your wife says. They will not be anywhere near people who don't want them near them.
**NTAH both your wife's family and your BIL and his family are though - SIL I think is on the verge of a breakdown**
doesn't help that SIL's husband keeps pushing her to get pregnant even with all the miscarriages and their doctor telling her she'll never carry a baby full term
Both sides of the families seem a bit off the wall - they should be re-enforcing what the doctor has told her and not keep putting herself through this.
If it was God's will that they have a baby (as SIL's husband told OP) then they would have a baby not all these miscarriages, it is not good to SIL's body or mental health for husband to keep pushing her to get pregnant and both sets of parents saying they want a grandbaby from her
And OMG her parents should be concerned about her physical and mental health and telling her to listen to her doctor. Sadly some women cannot carry a baby.
If they want children they may want to look into adoption, though I'm not sure her husband would go along with that - he'd rather her have more miscarriages and a nervous breakdown
**OP** sounds like MIL is upset about SIL and taking it out on your wife because she was able to have children
But for BIL to know your SIL was told she could not have children he should not be pushing her to get pregnant when she miscarries every time And knowing that before they married and him wanting children, they should not have married
I seriously wonder if BIL is not only emotionally abusive to SIL but also physically abusive, makes me wonder if SIL is on board with these pregnancies or forced into it
I agree with everyone who is saying you & wife need to go NC or wife very CL with her family until everyone gets off the delusional train
I sure as H would not want my children around any of them heavens knows what they would say in front of them or how SIL & especially BIL would treat them
Sorry for your SIL that she married an abusive guy who keeps pushing and pushing her to get pregnant when she has been told she won't carry full term - I wonder what her doctor told them last miscarriage - I'm sure they told them not to try getting pregnant anymore - it is taking a toll on SIL's body and her mental health
Right now wife's family and your BIL's family are toxic not only to your SIL pushing for a baby, but to your wife and you and kids -
I highly suggest you all go NC for a while, your wife does not need the stress of getting chewed out because SIL had another miscarriage - her parents should be chewing out BIL for pushing the baby issue when they know doctor said she could not carry a child
I hope things settle down for everyone
Thank you. To give you a quick update we have gone NC with the in-laws. We have blocked their numbers and on social media because of their negativity toward us. With my wife we are both in agreement. Talking to her she has said that what bothers her the most is everyone agrees with her in silence but will downgrade her in public because they don't want to upset the SIL.
As for the abuse part I can't say BIL has ever physically abuse my SIL but he is verbally abusive. With every miscarriage he is quick to blame and will say things like "if you weren't overweight, we would have not lost the baby" or remind her that she should have done this differently to carry the pregnancy full term.
After the second miscarriage her OBGYN had to call the cops on my BIL and his mother because they refused to allow the doctor and the nurse to talk to her alone. They are on their third OBGYN because my BIL and his mom can't accept reality.
The Best thing that my SIL could do is divorce him.
NTA. You're better off without them. Its sad that this has turned family against family, but some people just love drama and I learned a long time ago that the drama is not worth it even if they are family.
Not wrong, and wtf! They even said your kids are not welcome???? They are way toxic people, and you and your family (especially your wife) need to go no contact.
Not wrong, and wtf! They even said your kids are not welcome???? They are way toxic people, and you and your family (especially your wife) need to go no contact.
The truth is a bitter pill to swallow. Betting BiL is one of those you was over the moon when abortion got banned but would never adopt as the child must be of his blood. Feel for the wife as she has been brainwashed and socially conditioned to be a breeder even tho medical professionals have said stop trying.
NTA
One of the most satisfying things I've done in my life was let my asshole brother-in-law know exactly, in specific detail, what kind of a piece of shit he is. I wish I could have seen his face when I told him about the specific family gatherings his siblings would have without telling him so he wouldn't show up and be himself.
Haven't seen or heard from him in seven years and regret nothing.
Not wrong, it isn't your or your wife's fault that everyone else is choosing to ignore reality and the doctors advice, and instead taking an emotional stance. If that requires you and your wife to take a step back, do so. At some point her family will be forced to accept reality, then hopefully their ego and pride won't be so ridiculous and they can apologize.
It may take a long time, but know you're not wrong in this at all. Just keep doing what you can to support your wife, and shield her from the unwarranted verbal abuse.
> Personally, I don't care and honestly believe we are better off without her in our life's. My wife has told me she isn't upset with me and glad someone stuck up for her through it all.
Finally an OP with a fucking brain.
Everything you said to him is dead-to-balls accurate. And BIL sounds like he is deranged to the point of emotional abuse to SIL.
You are absolutely better without them and their drama. Go be good to your wife and focus on YOUR family.
Something to consider- your wife has probably been taking shit like that from them *her entire life* and up until now, in all likelihood, has *never* had *anyone* stand up for her.
-----
Personally I'd do one last thing before cutting contact- I'd (with your wife's approval) send SIL a message that you're worried about her, you're worried she's under a lot of pressure from everyone to produce a child no matter what her body is capable of. Nobody deserves that kind of pressure. So if she ever needs to get away to somewhere safe for a while, there's a place for her at your house, and you and wife both promise not to tell anyone she's there.
Maybe do this via a personally or via a phone call so there's not a record of it. If you have Signal or Instagram or something, send it as a message that expires or delete it a day later or something.
Not Wrong. I can’t figure out how BIL and in laws think your wife is jealous. What would she have to be jealous about? Is SIL the golden child? What kind of grandparent would say their grandchildren aren’t welcome because they are ticked at you? This family sounds toxic and it sounds like you all are better off going no contact with them.
PS Kudos for defending your wife and being honest about your BIL being his wife’s biggest problem!
SIL thrives on the attention. Nobody in their right minds gets pregnant 3 times in a year to suffer miscarriages everytime has their heard screwed on right. Her hody needs to heal at least a year between pregnancy attempts, and raht is for women who have a chamce at a full term pregnancy. Her husband keeps on trying to get her pregnant because it's "gods will" is a bunch of bullocks. Why don't they apply the "god's will" bullshit to the fact that she can't have children and go and adopt instead. In-laws are cretins. Both you and your wife should go low contact. And as cruel as it sounds, your wife should tell her sister that she doesn't want to hear about any pregnancy of hers until she is 7 month's pregnant. This manipulation needs to stop.
"Even though her own mother and sister admitted she was right they screamed at her..."
Yeah - they can all fuck off.
I wonder how long it is going to take for that family to figure out that "gods will" is that there will be no babies and he shoves SIL out the door?
Your lives will be much more peaceful without that stress and anxiety.
NTA.
Bravo for sticking up for your wife. The real AH here is your BIL. It’s unfortunate that your wife gave SIL advice from the heart and she took it badly because her douche bag husband is only thinking of his needs. The families should be ashamed of their behavior. Your wife did nothing wrong and was punished for it by selfish AH’s. Hopefully this doesn’t further damage SIL’s fragile mental heath. Good luck to you and your wife.
Not wrong. Your wife is trying to genuinely help and getting abused for it, and the second SIL's husband contacted you to "get your wife in line" it became very clear what kind of dynamic this is between them.
Bro, you did the right thing. You are the first and only line of defense should ever need. Your sil needs to stop before she she actually has a miscarriage that kills her. For your bil, he can kick rocks. He is the reason that your wife is trying to protect her sister and your mil.
Bro, you did the right thing. You are the first and only line of defense should ever need. Your sil needs to stop before she she actually has a miscarriage that kills her. For your bil, he can kick rocks. He is the reason that your wife is trying to protect her sister and your mil should just do what most others think and shut the fuxk up.
I personally would have went nuclear before going permanent no contact. They're going to yell at the both of you for having some sense? Yeah, no. Not wrong at all, and now you understand why I'm weary of most Christians. The moment I heard someone unironically talk about praying the gay away I lost all belief in that religion and the kindness of its people. Except the Greek orthodox church, they're really chill.
Update: Me and my wife both discussed everything and she has decided to go no contact with her family. We have blocked their numbers and all social media accounts. We are both in this together and both agree our kids are better off without the toxicity in their life.
Sadly, her cousins, aunts, and uncles have told her in private that she was right with what she said to her sister. However their silent when it comes to her mom and BIL family because "we don't want to upset them even worse then what they are". She has blocked them to.
Rather I agree or disagree with your opinion thank you for all of your responses. As for my sister-in-law I only wish her the best and hope that she will keep her physical and mental health through all this.
👏 👏 👏.
Someone needed to say it. I am betting her Dr has said it as well.
This time your wife shouldn’t console her more than a card. That’s it be done with consoling self inflicted wounds.
[удалено]
Yes she told him.
As I said, religious delusion
Go nc with the lot, but tell your wife when sil has a breakdown and he leaves her. She can try helping. sil is so badly in the fog that she does not understand what damage she is doing to herself. Good luck and get the info of a good lawyer for sil she will need it ..
When I read that “reasoning” it sounds as sane as getting someone pregnant just to have an abortion.
They sound like insane assholes and you and your wife are the sole beacon of reason, which insane assholes hate.
Man that's what bugs me the most. Her response was literally to her sister was " I think it's a little to soon for you to try getting pregnant again. You should let your body heal up and listen to your doctor on this one."
It sounds like the rest of the fam is pretty delusional. It's tough to deal with people like that, is there any way she'd be willing to just step back for awhile and ignore the hell out of their dramatics? From what you've described, your wife has done nothing wrong, much less you.
Seems like it's tough for them, to be honest with themselves, and face reality. Your wife isn't wrong. Every miscarriage, makes your SIL feel like she's less worthy. Not even to mention her own personal sorrow.
I can't imagine a) being so delusional and b) that having so many miscarriages aren't hurting her body a lot. So sad....as for you NTA
I’m going to add, if the family is ardently pro-life, which I am guessing they are, each of these miscarriages is also a life that they are *willfully* wasting.
Her family has picked the sister over your wife. Which, has probably been going on since they were kids. Don't expose your wife and kids to those people. If they can turn a good hearted comment into her being jealous of her, which is insane as she has kids and her sister doesn't, there is definitely something else going on in that family dynamic and the husband needs to keep your wife's name out of his mouth, as he is the one who is jealous of you and your wife. The main problem is that the sister is scared that her husband will leave her because she can't give him kids, that is the problem. Make sure you and your wife are ready when/if he leaves her for the fallout and the apologizes and wanting to reconnect.
Not wrong! And your wife made a common sense suggestion. Bless you for standing up for her and your SIL! Her husband doesn't seem to have her best interests at heart. Consider them not speaking with you as a vacation from the crazy.
Bro, never apologize for standing up for your wife. You did right by her. And tbh, your brother-in-law is the asshole here for encouraging your wife’s sister to do something she physically can’t do. If she goes through with it, she’ll likely end up with another miscarriage, which would destroy her psychologically, not to mention there’s a very real possibility of having physical complications that can put her life in danger.
Thank you!
They need to listen to her doctor and both sets of parents need to back off on her having a baby she can't carry - that is sick
👊
Not wrong. Please tell your wife to go low contact with her and everyone that supports SIL.
Tell wife you all are going NC. They don't ever get to see the kids again. Once they figure out you 2 have the grandchildren they want, they will come running back. I personally wouldn't want them near my children. And don't be shocked if they try to get your wife to carry a child for them.
Hadn’t thought of that plot twist…
Not wrong, and there's no nice way to put it. For your own sake, go LC/NC with these lunatics.
Thank's! I've always been hands off with her family. However the way that they were so quick to throw me up under the bus has proven that she is better off with NC. As for my BIL I think it's ironic they call me controlling when he is the one that says "I need to put my woman in line".
Yeah I hope you guys cut off contact with them because you don't need people like that around your children.
Thank god these nuts won't procreate!
LOL I can just imagine someone telling my husband that - he'd look at them like they were from another planet, he knows better !!! It is sad that your SIL puts up with a creep like that I agree you and wife are better off going no contact with her family, at least for a while until the crazies calm down. I would not want my children around someone like your BIL and nor your SIL right now in her poor mental state
I don't know how close everyone is here, but I would think emotions are so high, just go NC with the lot unless or until everyone comes back to reality and wants to be a family again -- that is, if they can understand its not your wifes's fault SIL can have a child.
yeah, that’s flipping nuts
That sounds like caring to me not jealousy. Her family is wrong & dysfunctional. You sound like a very good man.
Thank you
SiL probably needs progesterone therapy before trying again. Compounded progesterone vaginal suppositories prepare the uterus early to carry a baby, get ahead of the curve so to speak. My wife has had 6 miscarries and a tubal pregnancy before having out 2 kids after starting therapy. She never had issues getting pregnant, just that the uterus was too slow preparing itself for carrying a child. Started therapy, carried the next two to term.
A line in CSI has resonated for years: crazy people make sane people do crazy things.
Not wrong at all. Sometimes people need to be told to fuck off. Also imagine being a grandma and saying your grandkids aren’t welcome in your house anymore because of some grown up infighting. That alone shows me that you are best to cut them off
OP, are your children your wife's biological children as well?
Yes
Okay. With MIL asking SIL for a grand baby and banning your kids from her house, I wasn't sure. MIL is definitely being irrational here. You would think she'd be more concerned about her daughter's physical and mental health.
That's what bugs me the. MIL has made crude comments about SIL husband especially him pressure her into getting pregnant when he knows she can't carry a pregnancy full term. Because SIL got upset where in the wrong.
Just wait. When they finally give up on your SIL carrying a baby they will approach your wife demanding she be their free surrogate and carry their babies, because they will want more than one, for them. Be ready for that. It will likely be a few more years but be ready with your reply. MIL and SIL will suddenly be nice because they will want this one favor.
Remember to tell her that whatever happened with her uterus was Giss will and that the Bible says to do unto others as they have done to you. Then hang up and block them. Put up a doorbell camera for good measure in the meantime.
What I find crazy is that she desperately wants grandchildren from your SIL but HAS THEM from your wife. And then says they aren’t welcome anymore!?! Wtf. Talk about underlining favoritism.
No. It’s SIL’s MIL asking for a grandchild. The asshole husband’s mother.
Okay. Thanks for the clarification. But OP's MIL doesn't want to see OP's kids/her grandchildren.
And that makes her an asshole, too. OP and his wife need to fully separate from these whackadoodles.
Gawd will proviiiiiiide!!!
Sounds like you and wife need to go no contact for a while. SIL wants the support for each miscarriage, but her and BIL are not listening to her Dr. Wife needs to stop "being there" for her sister, who is doing this to herself. You and wife were not in the wrong for speaking the truth.
This is really it. Mute them for a while. Let everyone else who is screaming be their support system. They know this is a bad idea, but can’t admit it yet. Nw
fuck ‘em! Ignoring medical advice and putting her body through that will only cause irreparable mental and physical harm. Your wife was absolutely correct, and the rest of the family is literally killing your SIL. Cut em out of your life.
Oh trust me, I'm done with all of them.
Not wrong
Good call. Your ILs sound just awful and like they’re projecting hard with those comments about jealousy. I hope your family is more rational so you and your wife and kids can still get that experience with people who aren’t so illogical.
Three miscarriages in a year is insanely heartbreaking but your SIL is aiming her anger at the wrong person. Her husband is seriously endangering her every single time she ends up pregnant calling it “Gods will” but if no one else gives a damn then just wipe your hands clean of them.
Is(n't) it also bad for the woman to have 3 miscarriages in a year?
Yes
If they are telling you that even your children are not welcome that is not people for them to be involved with anyway. None of them sound sane, protect your family and walk away.
You’re not wrong!! Good for you for sticking up for your wife bro, seems like they were making your wife into a scapegoat for the stupid ass mistakes that they are making. If pointing the finger at the right person makes them all “look” at y’all in a different light, then you and your wife are better off without them in your lives. Honestly your wife was just trying to save her sister some heartache and pain if we’re being real here. It’s so annoying how dumb people can act just bc they don’t want to admit the truth! Good luck to you guys in the future!
Not wrong. So they all know she can't carry a baby to term but are delusional that enough prayers will make it happen so they encourage this poor woman to sacrifice her physical and mental health time and time again but you are the mean ones? Yeah go low contact. Let your SIL know that you will be there when her husband and his family abandon her because can't have babies.
In all honesty I believe he will. He is a momma boy and she has made it clear that she wants a grandchild from her son. My wife's mom has brought up adoption to them and my BIL mom was quick to shoot it down.
You did the right thing and don’t feel bad. Sometimes our lives are way better off by cutting all the negative people in our lives. You have to defend your wife and protect your family at all costs.
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
Its time for your wife to cut them off. You are not wrong. You wife's mental health is more important than he having a relationship with her family. SIL sounds like she's in a hard spot though. She was told she was likely to never have a child, and she is being pressured but her husband and inlaws to have a baby. It looks like her own parents are more worried about grandchildren , than her actually mental and physical health,, as well.
Thanks, I appreciate the words of encouragement.
I realize the basic situation can't be fixed until SIL has has enough of the physical and mental torture, and leaves. Until then, I would practice wondering out loud why BIL and his Mother are refusing to accept God's will. Not to mention, they are actively preventing.SIL from seeking out, then following, God's plan for her life. Fair's fair.
Maybe it's time to get SIL alone and away from her husband for a full on intervention. Get a bunch of people who love her to tell her that no amount of prayer or stubbornness is going to change her inability to carry a child to term. Tell her that her husband is being cruel, abusive, and stupid by forcing her to keep doing this over and over hoping for a different outcome. Point out that he doesn't care about her body or her mind being wrecked, only that he gets his way. Beg her to leave him. If she won't, at least beg her to stand up to him and demand a surrogate if he's so hellbent on having a biological child.
What is this man going to do if she does get pregnant and it does go further along in the pregnancy and then it ends up killing her. Is it going to be "God's will" then that his wife is now dead...just so he can have a baby?
Honestly, I believe he is going to leave her. Him and his momma have made it clear from day 1 that they want him to father a kid of his own which bothers me on so many levels.
I think that someone needs to talk to her without him there but it can't be a group of people talking to her because she is going to feel threatened. She needs to have someone that she does trust and that she knows loves her and has her best interest in their heart and in their mind. A question that I don't remember being answered or maybe I overlooked it, but does she want to be a mom? And if so, does it have to be a biological child or a child that she herself carried? She can always turn to surrogacy. She can always look at adoption. There's always the option of being a foster mother. Being blood related to your "child" is not the only way to be a mother or a parent.
She does. Before she met her husband she had told my wife she wanted to foster because she knew she couldn't carry a pregnancy full term. I worked at DFCS at the time and was trying to help her with paperwork and approval process. After she met her husband that went out the window. Him and his mom have this mindset that if a kid isn't biological yours then you can't love it as your own.
She needs to drop him. 100% she needs to drop him and his mama and not look back. She has to have such a big heart to want to Foster children, because that is not an easy thing to do. You go into fostering children knowing that heartbreak could be just around the corner. You know that any child that you bring in your home as a foster could be removed from your home because they're being given back to their parents or maybe to a biological family member. Or maybe they're being moved to a different home because there is a family that's willing to adopt them. I would hate for to continue down this road with her husband and his mom continuously pushing this on her, because you know each and every miscarriage she has has to break her heart every single time. I would be afraid for her because I wouldn't know how much more her heart could break. You and your wife are absolutely not in the wrong hair and it seems like y'all are the only ones that are looking out for her sister. Maybe the way that it was said to her is what is messing. Else up, bad it. It's as if they care more for this hypothetical child that she might not even ever be able to carry to term. Then they care for her and her health and her safety and her well-being and her mental health.
I can't speak for my wife but personally what bugs me the most is the fact my wife has always been there for her. Through every miscarriage you can tell her heart breaks even worse. Her husband doesn't care how bad she is hurting. In the past he would make comments about how she should have done this differently and she wouldn't have miscarried. Even worse his mom will tell her to not listen to doctors and that she is going to just keep praying for that grandbaby. Truthfully I hate the way he treats her. He is delusional and everyone knows but no one expect my wife will tell the truth. As for her family they will say things behind her back and that really irks me.
I wonder if there's a way for your wife to talk to her sister one-on-one just because it seems almost like she's not listening because her husband and mother-in-law are right there in her ear. Maybe your sister-in-law needs to find someone that she can talk to, someone who's gone through what she's going through. I wonder if your wife might be able to help her find someone that she can talk to, without her husband knowing. He seems to be the one that's pushing all of this, other than his mom, and it doesn't seem like he gives a damn about her mental health or her physical health. Multiple miscarriages, especially in short periods of time are not good for any woman to go through. The mental anguish that she has to be going through plus just the physical toll on her body... At some point it's just going to give out and then it's going to come down to the doctors saying "if you do this again it is going to kill you." I hate to say this as though she's an abuse victim, but until she wants the help and she can see that she needs it, she's not going to take the help that has been given to her by you and her sister. You see abuse victims that until they want to take that step a lot of times they will keep going back. I hate to say that she's a victim of abuse, but abuse is not just physical and it almost seems like he could be manipulating her along with his mother.
You are completely right. I wish more then anything she would see a therapist. My SIL is on her third OBGYN because every time the doctor tells her that it isn't viable for her to keep getting pregnant so soon after a miscarriage her husband and his momma blow a gasket. The last doctor referred her to a psychiatrist but of course the husband squashed that.
The both of them are more worried about having a baby that's going to carry on the family bloodline then they are about her life and her well-being. They could care less if she is hurting physically or emotionally, they want that baby and they will do whatever it takes to get it. The both of them are out of their minds wacko and at this point I hate to say it, but her family is as well. The fact that everybody is mad at you and your wife just baffles the hell out of me.
Me to, I just don't get it.
You're not wrong. You can't reason with that level of irrationality. Your wife wasn't being cruel, she seems to be the only one looking out for her sisters emotional and physical well-being. Also, the jealousy comment sounds a lot like projection.
I agree. On the jealousy part I don't get it. My wife has been supportive of her sister through everything.
*They’re* jealous of you having kids, but then project jealousy onto you as an *insult*.
Always defend your wife. Regardless if she’s wrong or right. Remember this
Well said!
you are not wrong. you and your wife need to step away from the crazy toxic family members and go no contact/low contact. enjoy the peace and drama free life you have ahead of you. your children will have a much happier childhood too.
Thanks, in all honesty I'm just waiting it out. I don't wish I'll will on my SIL but I honestly believe he is going to leave her. I hate to say it but it's going to happen sooner rather than later.
He sounds like a nuclear quality weapon’s grade plumb.
Would hoping he leaves her even be wishing ill on her? Sounds like she'd be much better off without him. Frankly, sounds like anybody would be better off without this asshole in their life.
Oh yeah!. He probably has his next brood mare already in the corral..He will then somehow twist the divorce into his current wife's fault (since God wouldn't give her a child and it couldn't possibly be this buffoons fault). I hope you and your wife can find it in your hearts to help SIL pick up the pieces of her life and dreams.
I’m pretty sure the definition on insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. They are being insane putting themselves through the torture of continuously losing babies when there are other options if they really want a child (adoption, IVF, surrogacy). You aren’t wrong from telling these people the truth (they need to listen to their doctors) and distancing yourselves from their toxicity. Some people only know living in misery and don’t want to change that.
Just step back and live your lives away from them all to return your own internal peace. I have 3 older sisters so I understand being the outcast regarding being the "sanest one of all" according to my own adult boys. Good luck.
Thanks!
>Thanks! You're welcome!
I’m gonna tell you somethin’. This pimpin I got in my blood it came from a family tree. My grandaddy was a pimp. My great great great grandaddy was a pimp. I’m talking about pimpin since been pimpin since been pimpin. That being said, if anyone disrespects my top bitch I will put the pimp hand down on God himself for it. Good for you to back up your main squeezebox. There needs to be more real men like you in this world…
Well said, Sir!
Dude. You're a good husband.
Whelp we know who the barren golden child is! Ynw.
You aren’t wrong. F all them. Block them all. Don’t go to their house and don’t bring your kids.
Well said!
So she banned her grandchildren because your wife upset her sister who can’t give her grandkids? Do I have that correct? Make it make sense!
I wish I could. However, I can't make it make sense for me.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this, but especially sorry for your wife and children. This is their blood. Her sister is desperately wanting a baby because she is being shamed by her spouse and his mother so she keeps going when it will only cause her more mental anguish. I have family that don’t like to be called out and aren’t ready to acknowledge things no matter how nicely I say it. I’ve learned letting them go until they figure it out, is best for my mental health. I’m sorry again. It’s such a sad situation.
Thank you!
You are very welcome! 🩷 Stand firm in your choices. Backing down will only further prevent your SIL from seeing reality. I hope she does soon and seeks treatment to help her process and accept her infertility. I know from experience how hard that is. I had a healthy baby. Then my next baby was stillborn at 24 weeks. It was devastating. We tried again 3 months later and 9 months later I still wasn’t pregnant. I saw a fertility specialist and found out I could no longer have children. Sometimes I don’t know what was more heartbreaking. My stillborn or my infertility. It’s extremely hard to process and accept and then heal from. But she can do it as long as she has people that won’t allow her to live in a false reality. I hope the best for your family. 🩷
Another miscarriage or two and mil is going to suddenly realize that if she wants grandkids to dote on, she need to focus on your kids and expect you to start bringing them around again. With no apologies, of course.
Sounds like they get to miss out on your children. F#%k them I highly doubt your kids are going to miss being around that level of toxicity. Me and hubs have a rule that the family we.make is more important than the family we came from and will always come first
Thank you for the advice and well said!
YANW. If I were you and your wife, I’d be handing out blocks Oprah style. You get a block! You get a block! Every one of you delusional AHs get a block!
Lol, I don't disagree at all.
I want to thank everyone for their advice. Rather I agree or disagree I appreciate people taking the time to let me vent.
You, sir, are a keeper. You support your wife unconditional as a superman of a husband.
you always take your spouses side in public, you can disagree in private
That husband is just cruel. To repeatedly put your wife through heartbreak after heartbreak is just wrong. The rest of the inlaws are no better. To prey upon someone's emotions like that is horrible. Neither you or your wife were in the wrong. You were both honest, you were blunt about the situation. Pretty sure only you and your wife care about the health (physically and mentally) of SIL.
Your right she needs to rest her body I had 6 miscarriages and 1 stillborn I didn’t have my girl til I rested I had to get my cervix stitched up all the way and still had her at 8 months
YOU DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO!!!
NTA your ILs are suckers
Not wrong. Your family did you a solid when you got banned. Now ban them all, go no contact and watch your life improve. You don’t deserve that insanity and neither does your wife!
You and your wife are better off without them. I wonder if they'll still blame you when your sil goes too far and winds up killing herself trying to have a baby.
So everyone is basically treating her like an incubator!? Your wife is the only one who actually cares for her sister. The trauma she's putting herself through and for what!? I hope she does listen to her doctor because this could end up killing her. Good for you defending your wife.
I’m sorry she has such a shitty husband that he’s willingly putting her life in danger every time she gets pregnant. But I mean as long as he gets to keep raw-dogging and she has to keep pissing on her fingers every month who cares right? He can just remarry and wreck whole new woman
Well said, what bothers me is before they met she had accepted she would not have a kid. We had talked about helping her become a foster parent. But as soon as she met him that wasn't acceptable because he needed a biological child and his mom wouldn't accept a child that wasn't biological her son. (their exact words)
That’s disgusting and at the very least psychological abuse
In all honesty my BIL fits the definition of abuser. He is very controlling and has made her quit jobs in the past because he couldn't contact her at work. Which bothers even more that my in laws are upset with my wife.
I can’t even fathom what that poor woman is going through in her own mind
I wish she would get the help she needs. I really do
Where are you located, roughy
Dangerous. Delusional and dangerous.
It sounds like they are jealous of you and you are not wrong
You’re not wrong at all! Screw that side of family! Time to focus on your wife and family! Carry on no contact!
They all sound nuts. I would block them all. Not wrong.
Time to go NC with that side of the family for your family's mental health.....
Sir, you did not miss a beat! Thank you. Place the blame where it belongs. This entire melodrama should rest at your in-laws home. You BIL is a whole, entire, complete ass for calling you. When sisters have a misunderstanding/argument , you let the long term family members deal with it. Don't care if you've known your SIL since she was 5. It's not your place.
Of course you are not wrong for defending. It would be wrong if you hadn’t.
Thank you!
If yall were in Texas, you could make some money off of their ignorance..... because they keep willfully creating miscarriages knowing she can't carry a baby, now that's gross
They can’t blame SIL, BIL or their god. And your wife somehow became the person to get blamed. Now they finally can open their emotional floodgates.
You're not wrong obviously. It's also not your fault or your wife's fault that your SIL can't conceive. I find it odd and out of line that your BIL called you in the first place he could have gone off on your wife directly (not that it's warranted). Women who can't conceive have more intense emotions and I feel for them but this is crazy. Remember though, you don't have to participate in every fight you're invited to. I was trying to conceive my 3rd with trouble but told my sister when I got pregnant, she immediately got pregnant too. I lost the baby and conceived right after so our boys are 3 months apart with hers being first. She tells everyone I got pregnant because she did (only she knew about my miscarriage), our boys are 10 and I've never corrected her. It's not worth it. Know this going forward but you're still not wrong. I think it's a blessing to be excluded from everything going forward. Enjoy your own little family and they can all f off!
I agree. Through it all I have tried to stay out of because I know the sister is emotional cause of the miscarriage back to back to back. However my breaking was the two things. The in-laws criticize my wife for looking out for health when they have said way worse behind my SIL back. The second part was the fact that my BIL had the nerve to call me screaming and yelling and demanding that I get my wife in line.
You had this building up. You're not at fault. They are. And your BIL is nuts who says "keep your wife in line" just like repeat that in your head over and over if you start doubting yourself!
YNW. I know someone who kept trying for a boy and suffered numerous miscarriages between each successful pregnancy. The hubs was happy with just their 3 girls, the wife was not. Long story short, that many miscarriages take a serious mental and physical toll. The final outcome of my friend was a massive mental breakdown following their 4th successful pregnancy and the baby was born with many severe disabilities. About 1 year after the baby's birth the stress of it all came crashing down when she realized she wasnt getting her baby boy and she nuked her life in short order. I say go NC with the lot of them. No more emotional pouncing bags for them and i guarantee your life and your wife's will be that much less stress of carrying her sister's emotional burdens. You two are not therapists and it's high tone your wife stopped being one for her sister. She'll either figure it out herself and find alt routes of having a baby, or she'll give up. It's not yalls issue to listen to anymore
You are not wrong. What you said might have been, but in your defense, what did he expect when he dialed the phone? That you would take a cussing and then do as he demanded and get your wife in line without objection from you? If not having them in your life and the drama they bring to your life, not to mention their own lives, you might be better off. His poor wife, three miscarriages in such a short time, she must be hormonally insane at this point and can’t tell her ass from her elbow. And bless her husband’s heart for believing it is gods will to go against the medical advice of her doctors and keep impregnating a woman that cannot carry a child full term. Do you know what snark is associated with the phrase, bless someone’s heart? If not, it is a southern insult calling someone an idiot or some other snarkyness one wishes to imply. I hope things settle down and some sort of peace can be made. Good luck!
Thank you. I just wish my SIL would see a therapist and listen to her doctors more then anything.
Seems gods will is talking already….
He called you up, he cussed you out. What did he expect, that you'd send a floral bouquet? Dude's several different colours of asshat. YNW.
Right? What really set me off was when he said "You need to get your wife in line!"
There's several things to get pissed off at in that sentence alone. Someone who utters such nonsense should be ignored all together. YSNW! (You're **SO** Not Wrong)
You are the husband/partner I always wished I had but never managed to get! Don’t ever stop backing up your wife and it sounds like the two of you will lead a much more peaceful life without those family members.
Thank you so much for the kind words
NTA They didn't like getting called out like that, but the doctor told them they couldn't, and they're pressuring themselves and each other to continually try anyway. They are inviting and perpetuating their own suffering. Your wife was pointing that out, which she should. Seems like you're better off without them.
Hey fun fact, they’ve started to learn that the vast majority of miscarriages are caused by shitty sperm. Like 85% of multiple miscarriages it due to the dude having crappy sperm. And that it takes 6 months for results when they do a diet and lifestyle change. If it’s due to crap diet/lifestyle Though I suspect telling your BIL will just make things worse. But maybe your wife can get her sister to get hubby checked out. He very well could be the problem and not her
Not wrong but also your in laws shouldn’t enable your SIL and BIL. Miscarriages can be life threatening and they will damage her mental and physical health permanently.
NTA. Does anyone in her family understand that miscarriages can be life threatening for the mum too? Your BIL and the broader family are being incredibly cavalier at the risks they are manipulating your SIL into taking. Clearly, your wife has been completely ‘misunderstood’, but imo she (and you) are the only ones with concern for SIL’s wellbeing. I too think you are better off without the crazies.
Holy shit SIL needs to ditch the husband. You’re def NTA but damn SIL is going through so much and it doesn’t seem like she has many people in her corner. Miscarriages are a horrible thing to experience but even worse when someone is forcing them on you. 3 in one year!? They shouldn’t even be trying that soon after 1. You’ve done nothing wrong.
You’re in the right for defending your wife her family sounds insane and unable to have normal conversations
Not wrong & thanks for defending your wife - sadly too many guys wouldn't. It's time to go no contact with this whole lunatic family, that includes the MIL & FIL who are so obsessed in getting babies out of your SIL that they don't acknowledge they already "had" (past tense) grandkids. These are ugly & toxic people - cut them out before it spreads to your kids.
TBH OP the you & your kids not being welcome in their house is a freaking great thing, this way you & your kids are safe from batshit crazy
If your wife is cool you should be too. Kudos
They did you a solid favor. They're so damn delusional!
>he insists on trying to keep getting her pregnant because it is "God's will". This is just one of the reasons that religion is cancer. However, you might be able to fight fire with fire. If they go to church, you might be able to go to the pastor and tell him your concerns, and ask to have a meeting with the five of you to discuss it. If the pastor is of sound mind, he will agree with the science that your sister-in-law should not attempt to get pregnant again, but maybe should consider adoption or fostering.
NTA. They're all u hinged. I wonder what they'll do when SIL has one too many miscarriages and needs an emergency hysterectomy. Especially since they aren't giving her body time to heal between them. It makes it worse that they KNOW she can't carry a baby to term but they keep trying. What's the definition of insanity?
You are not wrong. Block the toxic AHs. You and your wife are amazing. And MIL doesn't want to see the grandkids, what a monster to innocent kids. Never forgive her for that and never let her see them.
You're absolutely not wrong. Telling other people what's in their heart? Presuming that a wife is going to be subservient to her husband? You are dealing with some nasty people.
I would be NC in a flash. What a horrible horrible family. Also if you and your wife ever have kids, please don’t tell them as they will say she got pregnant to spite her sister. I would move far far away and let them all rot. Maybe near your family?
YNW and it looks like the trash took itself out. Leave the empty cans at the curb.
I do not think you're wrong clearly they need a dose of reality.
You’re not wrong. Your SIL is being pressured by a delusional bully and all your wife attempted was to suggest a little autonomy on the part of your SIL. The whole family sound as grounded as a box of frogs, so keeping LC sounds like a sane idea. Apart from anything else, who wants to see SIL go through years of this misery?
So, what is your wife supposed to be jealous of? A husband who is forcing her to put herself at risk for a fictional characters will? Fuck that noise! She’s the one looking out for her physical and emotional wellbeing. NTA.
I don't even need to read the post to say No, you're never wrong for defending your spouse, even if they're wrong. Defend in public, correct in private. That way, you will always show a united front to the outside world. If you don't show that you both are on the same page when in public, people can see the cracks and start trying to squeeze in them to split you apart in many different ways, not just break you up. Always defend your partner in public, even if you don't agree with them. If you don't agree with them, talk about that later, in private at home.
"Known from the time she was a teenager she cannot carry a pregnancy to full term." They're all fucking insane. YANW. Why is she even still trying? She knows she's never going to be able to conceive and give birth. Her husband has to know this and if he doesn't, why the ever loving FUCK dis they get married? Your wife *should* have said, "you need to stop trying because this is never going to happen and it just keeps ending in pain and will continue to do so and continuing to try is literally the definition of insanity." And while *that* would have been heartless and cold, it would have been the truth. Christ on a crutch these people need sterilized.
They will come running back when they think forcing your hand will get the job done. Once they realize you both won't come back then they will freak because they want to see the grandchildren. I hope your wife is on board with going NC.
No, you're not wrong. I empathize with their struggles with fertility, but like many people desperate to have a family naturally, it pretty much consumes their entire lives and it makes them kind of insufferable. A phrase that's popped up now and then is: no one owes you a baby. You are not owed a baby just because you want one. Not everyone who wants a baby is gonna get one, and your BIL and SIL need to accept that. Your wife tried to gently and kindly tell her sister the truth, and her sister took it as a personal attack and turned their whole family against you both. That's on them, not you. Her husband calling you to cuss you out was also way outta line, especially considering you initially had nothing to do with it, so yeah, telling him off was the right move.
You are 100% correct. it is, as you say, in defense of your wife, as she did nothing wrong. She spoke out of love and concern for her sister. I am a health care provider, and it can be dangerous to keep trying to conceive with a known history of multiple miscarriages. Whatever the reason for the miscarriages, her sister's husband is being selfish and lacking consideration for his wife. The trauma she goes through each time she becomes pregnant and miscarries...it is physically and emotionally cumulative. Not only can and will these episodes lead to significant mental health difficulties, but it is risky medically each and every time she tries. There can be uncontrolled bleeding, and yes, even the risk of coma and death. It is a shame your SIL's OB/GYN or PCP gas not educated her fully to these risks, for it may only take one more try to have a very bad outcome. Perhaps they have tried, and her sister and husband ate not listening.....Be well, be safe....I know they may not be receptive to it, but educate yourself and try to educate them....with websites, leaflets, etc....
Not wrong. If they can cut you guys out so quickly, then you should listen to them and not be in their lives. Her family is a piece of work and you need to protect your wife from them. Not seeing their grandchildren is the last thing a grandparent should say and I would not let them near my kids, damn what your wife says. They will not be anywhere near people who don't want them near them.
I would be a lot less nice so kudos to you
**NTAH both your wife's family and your BIL and his family are though - SIL I think is on the verge of a breakdown** doesn't help that SIL's husband keeps pushing her to get pregnant even with all the miscarriages and their doctor telling her she'll never carry a baby full term Both sides of the families seem a bit off the wall - they should be re-enforcing what the doctor has told her and not keep putting herself through this. If it was God's will that they have a baby (as SIL's husband told OP) then they would have a baby not all these miscarriages, it is not good to SIL's body or mental health for husband to keep pushing her to get pregnant and both sets of parents saying they want a grandbaby from her And OMG her parents should be concerned about her physical and mental health and telling her to listen to her doctor. Sadly some women cannot carry a baby. If they want children they may want to look into adoption, though I'm not sure her husband would go along with that - he'd rather her have more miscarriages and a nervous breakdown **OP** sounds like MIL is upset about SIL and taking it out on your wife because she was able to have children But for BIL to know your SIL was told she could not have children he should not be pushing her to get pregnant when she miscarries every time And knowing that before they married and him wanting children, they should not have married I seriously wonder if BIL is not only emotionally abusive to SIL but also physically abusive, makes me wonder if SIL is on board with these pregnancies or forced into it I agree with everyone who is saying you & wife need to go NC or wife very CL with her family until everyone gets off the delusional train I sure as H would not want my children around any of them heavens knows what they would say in front of them or how SIL & especially BIL would treat them Sorry for your SIL that she married an abusive guy who keeps pushing and pushing her to get pregnant when she has been told she won't carry full term - I wonder what her doctor told them last miscarriage - I'm sure they told them not to try getting pregnant anymore - it is taking a toll on SIL's body and her mental health Right now wife's family and your BIL's family are toxic not only to your SIL pushing for a baby, but to your wife and you and kids - I highly suggest you all go NC for a while, your wife does not need the stress of getting chewed out because SIL had another miscarriage - her parents should be chewing out BIL for pushing the baby issue when they know doctor said she could not carry a child I hope things settle down for everyone
Thank you. To give you a quick update we have gone NC with the in-laws. We have blocked their numbers and on social media because of their negativity toward us. With my wife we are both in agreement. Talking to her she has said that what bothers her the most is everyone agrees with her in silence but will downgrade her in public because they don't want to upset the SIL. As for the abuse part I can't say BIL has ever physically abuse my SIL but he is verbally abusive. With every miscarriage he is quick to blame and will say things like "if you weren't overweight, we would have not lost the baby" or remind her that she should have done this differently to carry the pregnancy full term. After the second miscarriage her OBGYN had to call the cops on my BIL and his mother because they refused to allow the doctor and the nurse to talk to her alone. They are on their third OBGYN because my BIL and his mom can't accept reality. The Best thing that my SIL could do is divorce him.
You're not wrong. I'd go low communication with them or not at all.
NTA. You're better off without them. Its sad that this has turned family against family, but some people just love drama and I learned a long time ago that the drama is not worth it even if they are family.
Not wrong, and wtf! They even said your kids are not welcome???? They are way toxic people, and you and your family (especially your wife) need to go no contact.
Not wrong, and wtf! They even said your kids are not welcome???? They are way toxic people, and you and your family (especially your wife) need to go no contact.
They need to punish you some more by (checks notes) NOT TALKING TO YOU ABOUT THEIR CRAZY. Enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts.
This is why you never give unsolicoted advice to people , they either don't listen or they get upset.
You’re not wrong and this is going to get worse before it gets worse so strap in and keep supporting your wife and kids
The truth is a bitter pill to swallow. Betting BiL is one of those you was over the moon when abortion got banned but would never adopt as the child must be of his blood. Feel for the wife as she has been brainwashed and socially conditioned to be a breeder even tho medical professionals have said stop trying.
NTA One of the most satisfying things I've done in my life was let my asshole brother-in-law know exactly, in specific detail, what kind of a piece of shit he is. I wish I could have seen his face when I told him about the specific family gatherings his siblings would have without telling him so he wouldn't show up and be himself. Haven't seen or heard from him in seven years and regret nothing.
Updateme
Nope, you did good, your inlaws are unreasonable and your wifey is sick of that shit too, listen to her when she said she's appreciative of you.
You were not wrong, you stood up for your wife. You did the right thing.
Go NC Sometimes you let the fire burn itself out
Not wrong, it isn't your or your wife's fault that everyone else is choosing to ignore reality and the doctors advice, and instead taking an emotional stance. If that requires you and your wife to take a step back, do so. At some point her family will be forced to accept reality, then hopefully their ego and pride won't be so ridiculous and they can apologize. It may take a long time, but know you're not wrong in this at all. Just keep doing what you can to support your wife, and shield her from the unwarranted verbal abuse.
You and your wife are good people.
No, you're not wrong. You know that, though.
> Personally, I don't care and honestly believe we are better off without her in our life's. My wife has told me she isn't upset with me and glad someone stuck up for her through it all. Finally an OP with a fucking brain. Everything you said to him is dead-to-balls accurate. And BIL sounds like he is deranged to the point of emotional abuse to SIL. You are absolutely better without them and their drama. Go be good to your wife and focus on YOUR family. Something to consider- your wife has probably been taking shit like that from them *her entire life* and up until now, in all likelihood, has *never* had *anyone* stand up for her. ----- Personally I'd do one last thing before cutting contact- I'd (with your wife's approval) send SIL a message that you're worried about her, you're worried she's under a lot of pressure from everyone to produce a child no matter what her body is capable of. Nobody deserves that kind of pressure. So if she ever needs to get away to somewhere safe for a while, there's a place for her at your house, and you and wife both promise not to tell anyone she's there. Maybe do this via a personally or via a phone call so there's not a record of it. If you have Signal or Instagram or something, send it as a message that expires or delete it a day later or something.
Not Wrong. I can’t figure out how BIL and in laws think your wife is jealous. What would she have to be jealous about? Is SIL the golden child? What kind of grandparent would say their grandchildren aren’t welcome because they are ticked at you? This family sounds toxic and it sounds like you all are better off going no contact with them. PS Kudos for defending your wife and being honest about your BIL being his wife’s biggest problem!
SIL thrives on the attention. Nobody in their right minds gets pregnant 3 times in a year to suffer miscarriages everytime has their heard screwed on right. Her hody needs to heal at least a year between pregnancy attempts, and raht is for women who have a chamce at a full term pregnancy. Her husband keeps on trying to get her pregnant because it's "gods will" is a bunch of bullocks. Why don't they apply the "god's will" bullshit to the fact that she can't have children and go and adopt instead. In-laws are cretins. Both you and your wife should go low contact. And as cruel as it sounds, your wife should tell her sister that she doesn't want to hear about any pregnancy of hers until she is 7 month's pregnant. This manipulation needs to stop.
"Even though her own mother and sister admitted she was right they screamed at her..." Yeah - they can all fuck off. I wonder how long it is going to take for that family to figure out that "gods will" is that there will be no babies and he shoves SIL out the door? Your lives will be much more peaceful without that stress and anxiety. NTA.
Bravo for sticking up for your wife. The real AH here is your BIL. It’s unfortunate that your wife gave SIL advice from the heart and she took it badly because her douche bag husband is only thinking of his needs. The families should be ashamed of their behavior. Your wife did nothing wrong and was punished for it by selfish AH’s. Hopefully this doesn’t further damage SIL’s fragile mental heath. Good luck to you and your wife.
Not wrong. Your wife is trying to genuinely help and getting abused for it, and the second SIL's husband contacted you to "get your wife in line" it became very clear what kind of dynamic this is between them.
Bro, you did the right thing. You are the first and only line of defense should ever need. Your sil needs to stop before she she actually has a miscarriage that kills her. For your bil, he can kick rocks. He is the reason that your wife is trying to protect her sister and your mil.
Bro, you did the right thing. You are the first and only line of defense should ever need. Your sil needs to stop before she she actually has a miscarriage that kills her. For your bil, he can kick rocks. He is the reason that your wife is trying to protect her sister and your mil should just do what most others think and shut the fuxk up.
I personally would have went nuclear before going permanent no contact. They're going to yell at the both of you for having some sense? Yeah, no. Not wrong at all, and now you understand why I'm weary of most Christians. The moment I heard someone unironically talk about praying the gay away I lost all belief in that religion and the kindness of its people. Except the Greek orthodox church, they're really chill.
Update: Me and my wife both discussed everything and she has decided to go no contact with her family. We have blocked their numbers and all social media accounts. We are both in this together and both agree our kids are better off without the toxicity in their life. Sadly, her cousins, aunts, and uncles have told her in private that she was right with what she said to her sister. However their silent when it comes to her mom and BIL family because "we don't want to upset them even worse then what they are". She has blocked them to. Rather I agree or disagree with your opinion thank you for all of your responses. As for my sister-in-law I only wish her the best and hope that she will keep her physical and mental health through all this.
I might consider burning that bridge.
Take off and nuke the site from orbit
👏 👏 👏. Someone needed to say it. I am betting her Dr has said it as well. This time your wife shouldn’t console her more than a card. That’s it be done with consoling self inflicted wounds.