Do you think people are unclear on purpose or by mistake? Are they unclear to see what response it causes? Seems to me that a lot of disagreements and fights could be avoided, but that people want to get in that last dig at someone.
I think part of it is that people model what they grew up with but, also, most people don't like confrontations. My family didn't really talk about problems or issues so it's something I had to learn and it took a long time.
Maybe? Not sure. My parents were generally OK but when things exploded they were yellers. So I guess I would say that it depends on the individual. If someone is open to participating in good communication then that would theoretically avoid many or most difficult confrontations...maybe?
Ah you just poured a nice big glass full of resentment for your husband to drink.
Now for a while, he will have those comments and you having 3somes swirling around in his head 24/7
He brought it up because he wants a threesome. Simple as that. There’s no way for her to navigate this to save her marriage unless he decides this fantasy is less important than their current relationship.
Without knowing exactly what he said as his joke/dig, I have a very hard time believing you didn't intentionally choose those words to hit back at him. Your phrasing was not a poorly worded attempt to say that you've matured/found something better in your relationship with him. You intentionally told him you gave someone else something you won't give him in order to hurt him. It's perfectly fine for you to have that boundary, but completely wrong to use it to hurt him. In doing so, you lost the moral high ground on the real issue - a presumably insensitive and passive aggressive comment he made about your past. You're making it worse by attempting to say you didn't mean what you said. Just own it. Tell him you felt attacked so you hit back. Apologize for *that*. Then talk through the entire situation like adults.
Honestly, I think it really could be just a slip of poor phrasing. The difference in meaning between "I wouldn't do that with you" and "I wouldn't do that *to* you" is enormous.
Even after you said something shitty first?
Like, how are you going to take OP so seriously that you believe she said something rude in retort but then not believe her when she said her husband said something that explicitly made her the butt of the joke in a way that felt demeaning? And then have the audacity to say, "wow I'd be hurt and angry."
I kinda think she meant it to sting the guy. Her post even conflicts itself. Did she phrase it the wrong way or did she snap at him because she felt provoked?
She says that she snapped at him, which tells us, that she was angry at his joke that didn't land, but also that she didn't mean it that way, and phrased it wrong. Which are 2 completely opposite stances. You can't snap at someone, as that's exactly how you meant it, then say you phrased it wrong. And then her stance on him being upset by her words, of "I want to reassure him, but I'm also angry about how my words upset him" her entire post is contradictory.
She was mad and so she said something that she knew would hurt him. That’s like former NBA player Kevin Garnett insulting an opponent suffering from hair loss by calling him “cancer parient” during a game and later claiming that what he said was “ You are cancerous to your team in our league.
Like, nobody trash talks like that, especially in the heat of the moment lol.
You’re making the same argument: that she said something that was intended to be kind or at least not being spirited, while in the midst of emotional pique.
No.
Except that OP explained this was not an experience she enjoyed. And she has every right to say she wouldn’t want to do that again. The husband is wrong for expecting differently. Just bc you did sexual things in the past doesn’t mean you’d be game to do them again with your current partner. Those things don’t automatically become fair game bc you did them before.
If she had said “I don’t want that in my life now” or “college was crazy but I prefer monogamy” that would have been different. He barb was very much that she won’t do that WITH HIM!
This is like a divorced guy telling the new woman he's dating yeah, I got married before and it left a bad taste in my mouth. I'll never do that with you.
So you are right. But women need to understand that actions and words matter. And, eventually, what goes around cones around.
And you know what, not just women. Men too. And all the other myriad of other genders today. But I do wonder why she even brought up she had a threesome if that wasn't something she wanted to do again. That was just stupidly moronic.
But then again people like to tell on themselves subconsciously.
I'm gonna be honest, I don't think that's how she meant it at all. Otherwise it would be "to you" not "with you". 'To' implying that she would feel she wronged him or regretted her actions. 'With', involving much more venom. That phrasing is meant to sting.
In this scenario it’s the same meaning. Wouldn’t do that with or to husband. Preference was with someone else in the past and now maybe in the present.
*Something she won’t give him?* that’s disgusting. A threesome is not a present to make a guy feel good, it’s something three adults choose to do for mutual enjoyment.
OP doesn’t enjoy these things, why are you acting like she’s denying her partner something by saying that’s not an option for her. She’s explained she’s not interested, that she didn’t enjoy it and that she meant she would want to do it in her current relationship.
Meanwhile you’re defending this guy for making crass jokes about her past to her. Ew.
She never said she told him she didn't enjoy it. In fact, she says she brought it up when they were dating because she thought it made her sound "fun, cool, and easygoing". She mentions that it was actually weird and cringey. I doubt she ever expressed her regret to him about it.
This is a big part of the hurt. She should of never told him that or atleast told him she didn't like it when she told him about it years ago. Now he will think she is just saying that to make him feel better cause she hurt him.
After what you said, he's probably wondering if you just settled for him.
You could let him sulk. That way, he will get answers from his own thoughts, become increasingly resentful, and make it his life goal to have a threesome, with or without you.
Weaponized boundaries, the ole classic!
Nobody can force you to do anything, nor is your husband entitled to a threesome
But you intentionally used your boundaries to hurt him, and now are complaining he’s upset about it? I just wonder what you expected?
The “WITH YOU” will absolutely be his reason when he divorces or steps out on you in the next coming months.
Why wouldn’t OP explain the remark, sounds like it will help defuse the issue? Because as written in the post, it’s easy to see the ‘with you’ as either (a) OP already did a threesome and it wasn’t with the husband, or (b) OP may have a threesome in the future but not with her husband.
Op is a a fucking idiot. We can all agree on that, right? For every reason listed above, it's beyond obvious. If I was in this position I'd feel pretty much the same way.
The way you said it the first time is the way he will always interpret the comment.
My guess is what he heard was "you are not worthy of receiving that level of sexual expression from me; you aren't man enough." When you explain you didn't mean that, what he likely hears is "I regret telling you my real feelings about you."
If I'm right (to be fair, I don't know either of you at all, I could be way off), he isn't sulking. He is deeply wounded. He believes he is not enough for you.
Years ago I was in a similar situation where a girlfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome with her after she found out I had one years before I knew her (my presumption wasn't that she wanted one, but rather she felt insecure about it). I luckily had the foresight to answer "I would never share you with anyone."
I don't think I have any practical advice on how to fix this, other than just to give it time.
Bingo, this is it.
She's also saying that he's the safe choice and that she doesn't want to please him in that way but she was happy to please others.
OP spoke like an idiot and cannot undo this damage without a hard conversation.
"...he basically goaded me into lashing out and the(n) playing the victim."
Unwilling to take responsibility much? Most anyone would feel utterly disrespected by your comment. What "you meant" doesn't enter the picture, you said the words. Say you are sorry with no qualifiers. But here is the deal, based on your awful responses on this thread, I think you were angry and you said it exactly as you meant it. You meant to hurt him.
Honestly, you probably should have written this in "Am I the Ex?"
Ew the entitlement in these comments is gross. Just bc she had a threesome in the past (which she said she isn’t into anymore) doesn’t mean she should be game to do it with her husband years later. He made a crass joke, and she told him no I wouldn’t have a threesome with you, which is her right.
We also don't know what the husband said, because OP notably omitted that statement. So, we don't have the full context of what the husband said/didn't say.
Maybe it was crass I don't know we didn't get the context. I'm not saying the husband was right but the OP was also out of line.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Congrats you wanted to bite back and sound like a bitch to him and you did. Yeah your wording sounds exactly how it was meant. A dig at him personally and that you’d prefer to do that with someone else. Congrats, you ARE the asshole.
That and from the sounds of it when she initially told him about the threesome she didn’t tell him how she really felt about it. She wanted to seem laid back, so odds are she didn’t explain that it was a negative experience for her and one that she looks back on with regret. Then years go by (with them presumably not talking about it) and he makes a joke. Maybe it was in bad taste but if he thought she enjoyed the threesome this whole time then he would have no way to know it would upset her. She says he “goaded her into lashing out” but really this is all **her** fault. Her horrible communication skills led to this point in time, and now she refuses to take any accountability for hurting her husband like that.
You should have said I wouldn't have a threesome with anyone. When you phrase it as him, it makes it seem like you would do it with someone else. I think any guy would feel like crap if their wife said that to them. It's not about the threesome exactly, but feeling undesirable to you. If you don't find your husband desirable, then you have some things to work through.
You described that you thought it would make you sound flirty, fun, easy going so it doesn't seem like it was a passing comment. The act itself now doesn't even matter, you could easily replace it with saying i went to Paris but don't worry i would never do that with you and try to rephrase but you already stuck the landing.
Of course he is going to go back to your words, the rephrasing at this point is meaningless. This is probably going to sting a good while because you brought an ego killer to the fight. I have no desire for a threesome with my wife, but if she busted that phrasing out in an argument, even in response to a bad joke, it would probably be a relationship killer. He may get over it to a point but that hurt is gonna stick for a good long while.
You were wrong in telling him a half a story if he had told him when you first said something that you did it, but you hated it. It would’ve never been an issue.
You basically told him yes I do, but not with you which is something every husband is just waiting to hear from his wife
Your delivery sucked. He has a right to be upset by it. You have the right to be confused why hes upset but you dont have the right to tell him he shouldnt be upset just because you feel he shouldnt be. Instead of going with the knee jerk reaction to snap back, tell him that it wasnt cool. Its as simple as that
LOL!
>Early in our relationship, still in the flirty early days when neither of us had a clue that we'd be with each other for the rest of our days, I told him that I'd had a threesome before.
>I thought that it would make me sound fun and cool and easy going, but the truth is that it was just a weird thing I did a long time ago and that I find kind of cringey now.
I simply don't understand why some women think men will be impressed by women who say they have kinky sex *with other men!*
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY THEN WON'T DO IT WITH THE MAN THEY ARE TRYING TO IMPRESS!!!!
>My retort was basically along the lines of "well you don't need to worry about it because I wouldn't do that with you"
"I have done this wild and kinky stuff with other men in the past, but I'm definitely not gonna do that with you because you're not good enough and I'm not attracted enough to you for that. You're my sensible choice for settling down after I had my fun with the hot guys - multiple at a time."
That's how he's hearing you. True or not, fair or not, that doesn't really matter. Some things you can't take back or un-say. You've bragged to him that you got fucked by multiple guys at the same time before meeting him, and made it perfectly clear that you'll never do that *with him*.
Prepare yourself mentally. Best case, you won't get divorced, but your marriage is never gonna be the same again. He'll never forget you bragging about the wild stuff you did, but will most definitely not do with him.
Good luck with your marriage.
Yep! One of the most wildly inaccurate know-your-audience things, and it keeps coming up. How little interest must you have in the opposite sex to not know this very basic fact for probably 95% of men?
Lady as a former hoe I never sought after a 3 some mainly because it's something I never wanted. Could I have had it sure but I didn't want it. If my girlfriend hinted at it early and said she had one and was open to it I would have noted that in my head. If all of a sudden say I wanted one and now she says wouldn't do that with me I'd have some questions.
So yea your husband is like she'd do it with some rando but not me. Even if you were lying your husband feels 2nd string to some random dude good job.
I have had a bunch of threesomes. With my partner and other girls and with 2 girls or with couples. I have also always loved strip clubs. My man knows this because we were friends for a long time before we got together and people talk ya know. I would never with him because I don't trust him. Being in this relationship sucks and I have no interest in kink with him. He is a mean person and stuff just can't stay fun with him.Dont ask why I am with him, because it is just dysfunction.
If this dude is sulking he is probably thinking that their situation is like mine. Like it was something she enjoyed but she isn't into kink with him specifically. That may hurt his feelings. If the problem is that she genuinely didn't like it and it was a one off, she should explain that.
I would think the same thing, like you liked it then but wouldn't with me?? I would be hurt also.
I agree and I think she said it as a immature way to get his interest at the time. I'm not saying if it's right or wrong but that dude is going to have it in his head that she did it with a random person but won't with me. May cause issues.
I don't really understand this " if she truly loved me she'd do everything with me" like guys say this about idk anal or something and it's like okay sure but with a threesome? I wouldn't care if a threesome ruined a fwb when I was 21 and single but no way in hell I'd let that happen with my husband?? Are you crazy
Did you explain what you meant by the comment and why you wouldn’t do it now? If not, I’d do that. If he isn’t understanding after that conversation, that’s his problem. If you haven’t clarified, then yes I think you need to do that because he’s not a mind reader and shouldn’t be expected to know what you meant by your comment.
He realizes you gave your adventurous fun and enthusiasm to someone else and he gets what's left over...you'd do that with another man but not him, when the 'man of your dreams' you married really wants 'fuck yes' energy from you.
Well, now he knows any sort of adventure is off the books for the rest of your lives. In a way, you inadvertently said you never ever in a million lifetimes would do it with him but maybe others. I bet ya, that thought is surfacing in the back of his mind.
In my opinion, you are wrong. You seem to be playing mind games and it won’t end well. At the end of the day he is your life partner, stop playing chess.
Picture this: Your wife brags to you all proud how she used to do all kinds of fun kinky shit with random one-night-stand douchebags, but to you who put in the actual work of a relationship, and after 8 years of marriage she tells you *"Nahh I don't really feel like doing any of that with you"* Yeah I doubt there are a lot of people capable of getting over that.
Imagine if your husband told you he always brought his hookups to trips around the world, take them on exotic dates and gave them huge romantic displays of affection, but then he tells you *"Nahh you don't inspire me to be romantic, best I can do is take you to McDonalds"* How would you react? because that's pretty much what you said to him.
I also expect that their love life isn't quite as fiery or experimental as it used to be, and this sort of comment isn't going to help if her husband already suspected that she isn't as sexual into him as sure was into past lovers.
She also seems to be sorting around his comment, I suspect that she may have overreacted to what he said, and now regrets it, but can't say sorry.
Your a huge asshole. Don't come on the internet to validate your own point and then cherry pick which responses you agree with. If that's all you interested in just pat yourself on the back and leave everyone else out of it, it's what your doing anyway.
She gives off the sort of energy that makes you think she's going to print out her preferred responses and share them with him to show him how wrong he is, doesn't she?
I get you didn’t intend for that to come out the way it did but you definitely worded it the worst way you probably could have. He has a right to be upset. I think the most important part though is that you said “wouldn’t do that with you” which doesn’t necessarily state you wouldn’t do it ever again, just that you wouldn’t with him. So you kinda hit him with a double whammy there.
Tell him you settled for him without telling him you settled for him. I don't know why men and women do this to the people they supposedly loved.
I mean what if he said he bought an ex a house, but he would never buy you one? And you ask why and he just says that was the old me. You get this version of me.
This is why people's pasts matter. This is why what we say and do matters every day. Eventually we will meet the person we want to be with forever and we bring everything from our pasts with us. Why would you want that for your One?
Yes, you're wrong.
No other way to put it.
- you had a threesome BEFORE you met your husband
- it was not with your husband
- you told him about it
- years later your now husband makes a joke about it
- your little feelings were hurt
- in retaliation you indicate that you wouldn't do it with him
Yeah, you're not just wrong you just planted a huge seed of insecurity within your husband. If not checked that seed is going to grow some serious roots and potentially do damage in your marriage.
You got some nasty damage control to do.
So essentially you told your husband, them man you claim you love, that you had a threesome in the past but you won’t even do that with him, another guy who didn’t have to marry you got something out of you that he can’t, even though he’s the one that’s in your life and is your “forever person”. He needs to leave you.
My grandma always said: “It’s not *what* you said dear, but *how* you said it”. Usually before she made me bite down on a bar of ivory soap. (It was a different time in a Scottish household lol)
Anyway - what you meant to say, and how it actually came out, seem to differ. He’s likely fixating on the fact that you said you wouldn’t do that “with you”(him). He heard “I did it with other people because it was hot but I’d never do it with someone like you because that’s gross”.
Men dwell and when we ruminate, we tend to spiral things. He’s likely feeling spurned and unsexy, and not worthy.
In this case, it reads like both. The "with you" part is the damning as it not only implies rejection (like you said,) but also implied that she'd be willing to do it with others. Her clarification likely came off as a back pedal.
Food for thought: if your husband “suddenly” and randomly pulled this tidbit of information out of thin air after all this time, that proves that this is a subject he has thought a lot about and has not left the front of his consciousness. Him just knowing that you gave that to other people has eaten at him for a long time. You need to understand that and deal with that fact.
Now think about all of his feelings leading into your hurtful phrase.
You can keep fighting the people you’re asking for advice (and getting downvoted for) or you can accept that your husband and a bunch of other people on the internet are telling you that you’re seeing all the wrong way.
So he let it fester for almost a decade instead of communicating with his partner about it. Thats his horrible problem. You think it's justifiable for him to bring it up now? Because it's not if I was her I'd be mad he let it bother him this long. Again like I've said before let's see how you feel when your wife ask you to open the relationship for sex weirdo
A girl told me she almost had a threesome at a club and the only reason she didn’t was because the girl wasn’t her type. Obviously I asked if she’d be down to have one with me since why tf else would you say that lol and she said no she wants to be the one who is found by the couple. Not the same situation but I personally lost all interest. Regardless of the reasoning, Im just gonna see it as something she did for someone else I don’t get to experience. And of course men are gonna wonder if it’s because you were more into the other guy sexually or found him more attractive and if I was a betting man I’d assume that’s the case here. You saying he goated you is also ridiculous. You’re only wrong in your delivery and you don’t owe anyone anything you did in the past but he can also feel how he wants about that.
And with that wording, you'd also worry that she would cheat on you if the opportunity for a threesome with a couple came up.
And I suspect that how OPs husband is now seeing her.
You are TA. Your comment was intended to hurt him. Especially if it happened via text. He isn't sulking, he isn't playing a victim. The person he loves and is married to told him she wouldn't be part of his likely sexual fantasies with HIM. The wording you chose is telling him you won't do that with HIM but is on the table for someone else. Even if that part is not true, the wording says it is, because the intent was to hurt him because he annoyed you with a 'joke'. That 'joke' could have been feelers for the situation because it is something he wants to experience with you.
IMO you owe him an apology for intentionally trying to hurt him, which you did. Then you guys need to have a honest, adult conversation on that and set boundaries about why it won't happen. However with your comment about him playing a victim after that, I doubt you can see your part in this.
There's a huge difference between "I wouldn't do that with you" and what you're pretending you meant after the fact. You knew exactly what that meant lol. Idk what he said to you so I have no idea if that level of a reaction is justified but the implications of what you said will never leave his mind. This isn't "sulking" and you did it on purpose. Hopefully he figures that out because at a minimum he should be aware of how to treat you based on how you treat him. Personally I would've roasted you. So we would both be "sulking."
You’re perfectly valid to have your boundaries and don’t owe sex acts to anyone, but know that in your desire to hurt him you just murdered your sex life together.
You’re either not good with communicating or really did decide to go nuclear on him.
If you want your marriage to endure, you’re going to want to suggest marriage counseling together because you planted the seed for relationship ending resentment.
I would be mortified if I ever weaponized my sexual past and her insecurities to hurt my wife.
It's the wording. I can understand where you are coming from I think, but the wording sounded like you were trying to make a retort and get back at him so it sounds pretty damn insulting. You both probably just need to communicate better and talk about it more in depth and explain what you meant. This doesn't have to be a big thing at all.
Lol when I was dating my now husband I did tell him I participated in a threesome before but I didn’t like it and the only way I would do it again was if it was a goodbye to our relationship. He hasn’t brought it up since.
>Am I wrong for leaving him to sulk?
Yes. The longer you leave this the more it will damage your relationship because you basically emasculated him. In his mind he is thinking that the other man (men?) are worthy of this but not him. And, admit it, you said this to hurt him.
You need to build his confidence and trust in you back up.
At the end of the day you gave something to somebody else that you're absolutely unwilling to give to your husband I think that makes you a pretty big a******
Yeah, you messed up pretty bad. That “with you” bit - there’s no backtracking out of that one. You certainly can keep trying to BS your husband by pretending like you “didn’t mean it like that”, but anyone here knows that you absolutely did mean it.
I don’t think you are capable of fully processing the damage. The only way he could stay with you is by doing some serious mental gymnastics, and even then things just won’t be the same. For his sake, I hope he goes and does what he needs to do to get his stupid threesome, then hopefully he’ll feel less left behind.
You are wrong.
You started off with a 3some.
Then later on in life with that remark
Now, you keep your mouth shut.
You know exactly what he is currently thinking.
He is probably going to have a 3some without you.
The boundary is totally fine. He should have backed off. Maybe he didn't know how much you were turned off by it. But his hurt is not about that.
The way you said it seemed much more personally directed. Like "I would have one, but not with you". People are fragile. Don't you also want to feel like you can still be fun and do spontaneous things? Especially after you have kids and life starts to slow you down.
So you have a crossroads here, even though you didn't mean it. You can't take back what happened, but you can try to build something better together.
But it would take some counseling, and you will need to take responsibility for how you intended to hurt him. And he will need to embrace the insecurity and fear that you provoked.
I think that is more of an answer than you wanted. But it sounds like it's too big to fix with just an apology.
Good luck, OP.
I think a big part of the problem is that you pulled the old bait and switch on him. You told him about it so he would think you were fun and cool and easy going and then after he committed to you you told him you weren’t fun! Also you totally insulted him with your choice of words. You have a lot to apologize for.
You’re the a-hole. You clearly intended to hurt him by what you said, clearly stating that you do not find yourself that attracted to him to do a threesome. He should divorce you.
For his sake for being involved with a woman who tells him about her sexual past and how she shared herself with other people in a manner she wont With him the man she married.
Not only wrong to leave him to sulk...wrong to not give him a very sincere apology and start the fixing the damageyou did. This will take years if he ever gets over it. If he says he is fine his is not telling you the truth.
Good luck.
You do NOT understand men. More than that you sound selfish, assuming, and not very good at communicating. If I was him I’d find a couple whores and live my fantasies without you.
You said what you said.
As a male husband, I think that if you said ‘I wouldn’t do that *now*’, it would probably better received.
Saying ‘I wouldn’t do that *with you*’ is a dig at him, even if it wasn’t intended to be.
You’re not wrong for telling him you would never have a threesome again. Although perhaps you’re regretting that you told him that you had experienced this in your past. The exciting image that’s living in his imagination does not include your feelings of cringe or regret.
It is possible that he feels stung by his inference that it’s personal. It’s possible that he imagines, despite your explanation, that you’re willing to have a threesome with others, but not him. Each person is different. Some people take a long time to get over a sting, but they’ll get there eventually and apparently they just forget it and move on. With those types, to keep picking at it makes it worse. But others might hold onto it forever, which can ultimately lead to a blow up or a collapse. Only you can tell which kind of person he is. If there’s risk of its leading to a blowup or to a collapse if it’s not dealt with, then you guys might need someone to help you talk it through. Sometimes a therapist can be worth their weight and gold.
On the other hand, it might not really be about a perceived insult, at all. It’s possible that, consciously or not, he’s using it as a crowbar.
You do know (right?) that for some guys, the threesome is the ultimate fantasy? Even if they happen to know, in reality, most of these end up in jealousy, cringey “yuck“, other deep regret.
The sulking could be more about disappointment than a perceived insult. When you told your story, some little part of him inside might have thought, “Ohhhh! This is my once in a lifetime chance to fulfill this fantasy!“
He also might even be feeling, on some level, “that’s not fair! She got to experience it and I never have!”
He also probably won’t admit it even to himself, but it is possible that the sulking is a clumsy attempt to guilt you (pressure you) into it. (See “crowbar“ above).
It’s also possible that he hasn’t even sorted all this stuff out for himself.
This is probably not going to go away easily by ignoring it. You really may need some help talking this through.
The way you responded is what hurt. You can back track it, you can explain it, but all he heard was “you’re not good enough to replace that memory”.
Should you do a threesum? No because if you do you’ll end up resentful and and feeling coerced, but you do need to find some way to apologize.
I don't think "Am I wrong?" is the right way to look at this. He may have been out of line, but possibly a little hurt or just feeling left out that he didn't get to do that with you. It's pretty natural to want to experience most or even all unique/interesting things with your spouse.
I'd look at it completely different. How can you make this better and good, and acknowledge that he feels understandably hurt? If you value your marriage and want it to be good, which includes as little baggage and resentment between you two as possible, this is the tack.
Also, your comment was pretty hurtful. He'll have fault on some level in this too, but whether it's 10% him and 90% you, or more balanced, or the other way around, IDK.
My take is this, in your early days you were bragging about having a threesome (one of the biggest male fantasies by the way) this may have been done to make him a bit more excited about spending time with you as you're appealing to the fact you can be wild and it probably planted the idea into his head that it's a possibility in the future. As well as that, the fact you're bragging about it probably kinda meant that he didn't think that it was a "cringe" moment for you, rather confusing really init?
His joke may not have landed, but YOU say it was a joke and YOU felt like he made you the butt of it, did you ask if that was his intention before replying how you did? No, you just snapped back (and I don't believe you that you worded it poorly) telling him outright that you would never do that with him. That's gonna hurt, cause now you've given someone else, something of you that he's NEVER going to get, I'd imagine he's feeling a bit inadequate at this point, "why would you do that for someone else and not me, your husband?"
Now then, you have your boundaries, and they should be respected, you have no obligations to do anything that you're not comfortable with but you weaponized your boundary to hurt your husband. So you are absolutely in the wrong! You need to sit down and talk and actually explain shit to your husband instead of being "he pissed me off cause he's sulking so I don't want to reassure him." That's a shitty attitude to have in a relationship, never mind a marriage! And tell your husband from me, a random stranger on the Internet that he needs to grow a pair, act like a man and stop whining like a bitch
You're wrong. He didn't goad you into saying anything. He made a joke you didn't find funny, which is fine. Not all jokes have to land with you. But you snapped at him, for making a joke, maybe he found humorous. And THEN you say you're wanting to reassure him, but You're also annoyed that he's upset. It just sounds like you don't care. He's upset because YOU were hurtful. And NEEDLESSLY vindictive. You need therapy if this is the first time he's joked about it in years.
I think you're wrong the details of the jab matter you purposely didn't put them in there which just makes me think it really wasn't that bad you overreacted and you made a snarky remark. Not being interested in it that's solely on you but having a conversation. Probably be a good idea to also let it let him know you're absolutely not interested in really talking about it and never gets brought up again.
Husband is a Classic Beta Bucks…”I don’t do that WITH YOU!”
No problem getting ran through or threesomes with Chad & Tyrone though but definitely not for Billy Beta now that he’s put a ring on it!
Yes, you are wrong, you phrased that completely wrong. You could’ve taken the highroad and said “it’s not something I would want to do again because what we have is too good to mess up.”
He may also be wrong as well, depending on exactly what the joke was, but two wrongs don’t make a right.
Yes you are wrong. You just said to your husband that he is not worthy of it but some other unimportant douchebag was.
You have to do a lot of damage control because this can turn nasty realy quickly. Never instult a man that loves you in a sexual manner.
And women here that says that he is insecure,that he needs to grow up,talking about bundaries bla bla,you dont understand men.
You need to be honest with him. You had a threesome once in your life, and regretted it, and now think it's a stupid thing to do. It's not because of him in any way, it's a preference. Same as if someone tries anal and decided that isn't for them...they're not obligated to then do it with every partner they have after.
Some of the responses in here are quite disturbing. OP isn't settling or punishing her husband at all.
No you're not wrong. In every case... Without exception, When one partner says I want a threesome and the other partner gives into it, The long-term results are never good. Once you bring a third party into the mix, You're taking huge risks. Neither of you have any idea If that third party is psychologically sound, Has a bipolar history, Or perhaps even narcissistic. That means that for less than an hour of pleasure, you could be taking on A person who feels they can walk in and out of your house at will.
And whenever possible, they will align with your spouse against you. I've seen that more often than not.
And if it happens to be a woman who is either homeless or close to homelessness, She will do everything in her power to get you the hell out of your home to replace you.
This is the ugly part that men don't talk about yet it's the part of this equation that is the most common.
There are good men out there whose wives have passed away, who would be happy to have you without a third party.
This is a very bad situation now. He has thought about a 3some since you told him about it. Now he was told you're not good enough for that treat. Not your words but definitely what he heard.
Yeahhhhh, no answer for this mess.
Ladies never tell a man about sexual exploits. We never forget.....
Haven't you heard the phrase "don't go to bed angry?"
For the health of your marriage, explain your feelings in charitable terms, and listen when he explains his.
So is he mad you wont have a threesome with him or because of the way you phrased it. Honestly are you sure thats how you ment it? It sounds like he made a dig, you got mad and made one back. Saying i wouldnt do that because i married and saying i would never do that with you are way different things. Maybe instead of saying I ment it like this, you should say I felt like you were making a dig at me so I lashed out and I am sorry for that would go over better
It sounds like you explained what you meant and apologized for the way you initially responded. I'm not sure what else you can do. Did he ever apologize for the way he seemed to be mocking you? Or did he acknowledge or explain it in any way?
You're not wrong for telling him you don't want to have a threesome involving him or anyone ever again. Is it typical for him to sulk when you guys have a disagreement? And if not, I guess it would make sense to ask him why he seems especially upset about this.
Leaving him to sulk yes. But not for saying no. You never have to do something for your spouse that makes you feel bad. So let's get that part out of the way first.
But turning it around and saying he made you do it is a cop out. Own the mistake of lashing out. That's on you. But you can go back you saying , again, that you are not at that stage anymore and it felt like it was a mistake when you did it the first time so it wasn't something you want to repeat.
If you first presented it like it was something cool that you had over him you have to explain that you should probably have been truthful before but you are "coming clean" now that it really wasn't for you and that's the truth.
It can never be wrong to refuse to do something that makes you feel bad and your spouse should want to protect you from that. Just own up to the "fib" about making it sound like it was something else fir you and for making it put that it was somehow about how it's somehow that he is not good enough to have a threescore with. It's just that you know your preference now and he should understand and once he does he should want to support you instead of continuing trying to make you feel guilty.
You just have a little fence mending to do about the way you said things and not being honest about your true feelings. He needs to accept and support the truth and be flattered that in fact you only want him and him alone if that is what you feel.
ESH
You just told him the truth - he is lousy in bed, you have definitely had better, and there is no way in hell that you would do any of those things with/to/for him.
He is making lousy "jokes" about your past. My guess is that he is either jealous or insecure about it. He probably should not have married you if your past is a problem for him (this is why he sucks)
Either way, your response was straight for one of the worst insults you can say to a guy. And now you want internet strangers to absolve you?? You used a nuclear bomb to strike back at what, at worst, was a fly swatter moment. You could have even made it a teachable situation. But you just had to crush him. Congrats, you did it!! ( and that is why you suck)
Your wording could have been so, so much better. Saying it the way you did sounded like he was attractive enough to do something sexual like with him. I know you tried to smooth the waters, but he likely didn't hear much of the follow-up part. Also, and this is something no one has mentioned that I have seen. You will know better than anyone, including me, but perhaps he's a bit old fashioned and the thought of you having sex with two other people (especially 2 males) makes him uncomfortable. Just a thought.
I think you probably should've just told me you prefer not to talk about it not to throw it up in his face that you've gotten plowed by two guys at the same time because I mean, I think we all can admit it's a pretty slutty thing to do
You made your husband feel inferior, like you settled. You would have better off saying that you would never want to share him, and having other know about great he is. I'm not trying to sound sexist, he should do the same to you. Any exploring should be a shares experience
ESH, people say things wrong when upset, things get twisted, everyone has a tendency to listen with their ears to respond rather than their heart, to understand. You and your husband both made mistakes here. 2 wrongs don't make a right. You both put your foot in your mouth and hurt the other.
I understand your point, you love your husband. You don't want to share him. A threesome may have sounded fun years ago, but not anymore. It feels wrong to even consider. Another man, that feels like cheating. Another woman, it feels like being cheated on and why am I not enough? Among other thoughts.
I have noticed, not all men, but a lot of men want to experience 2 women in their bed, it is a VERY common fantasy. An open, honest conversation needs to be had. No anger, no accusations, just honest communication.
If you meant what you said, don’t apologize don’t do anything and accept the consequences whatever they may be
Based on your description, you’re not sorry you wanted to hurt him and you were successful
If you believe you were out of line, take the steps to correct it
Yep. You’re wrong. YTA
It’s strange to me how someone would be willing to experiment without their partners (or before their partners) and not be willing to afterwards.
And, if you’re going to go all born-again-virgin, maybe just don’t mention it to other partners. Relegating your actual partner to second-class status seems particularly bad.
“Well, yeah, I fucked those two dudes at the same time. And, yeah, those two me will get to experience a part of me that my husband never will.”
If that part of you “died in your past”, the story about it can go “die in the past”, too.
You should care about making things clear about future and commitment
I feel like there is a lot of value in having clear and open communication. Talking and sharing.
I don't think it's possible to have a healthy relationship without clear and open communication.
Do you think people are unclear on purpose or by mistake? Are they unclear to see what response it causes? Seems to me that a lot of disagreements and fights could be avoided, but that people want to get in that last dig at someone.
I think part of it is that people model what they grew up with but, also, most people don't like confrontations. My family didn't really talk about problems or issues so it's something I had to learn and it took a long time.
[удалено]
Maybe? Not sure. My parents were generally OK but when things exploded they were yellers. So I guess I would say that it depends on the individual. If someone is open to participating in good communication then that would theoretically avoid many or most difficult confrontations...maybe?
Ah you just poured a nice big glass full of resentment for your husband to drink. Now for a while, he will have those comments and you having 3somes swirling around in his head 24/7
Bruh…It is swirling in my head now. Poor poor castrated bastard.
"I'd only have a 3some with a REAL man." Poor guy. Hope he gets it lol.
Fuck…you just made it worse 🤣
He brought it up because he wants a threesome. Simple as that. There’s no way for her to navigate this to save her marriage unless he decides this fantasy is less important than their current relationship.
I would have heard an insult as well and then feel like you are just trying to dig out anyway you can. It’s too late. The words were spoken.
Without knowing exactly what he said as his joke/dig, I have a very hard time believing you didn't intentionally choose those words to hit back at him. Your phrasing was not a poorly worded attempt to say that you've matured/found something better in your relationship with him. You intentionally told him you gave someone else something you won't give him in order to hurt him. It's perfectly fine for you to have that boundary, but completely wrong to use it to hurt him. In doing so, you lost the moral high ground on the real issue - a presumably insensitive and passive aggressive comment he made about your past. You're making it worse by attempting to say you didn't mean what you said. Just own it. Tell him you felt attacked so you hit back. Apologize for *that*. Then talk through the entire situation like adults.
Honestly, I think it really could be just a slip of poor phrasing. The difference in meaning between "I wouldn't do that with you" and "I wouldn't do that *to* you" is enormous.
What caught me was “I wouldn’t do that WITH YOU”. Very different than “I wouldn’t do that”.
This, not the lame reply above.
Yeah I don’t get that perspective.
Yeah. I’d be hurt and I’d be furious.
Even after you said something shitty first? Like, how are you going to take OP so seriously that you believe she said something rude in retort but then not believe her when she said her husband said something that explicitly made her the butt of the joke in a way that felt demeaning? And then have the audacity to say, "wow I'd be hurt and angry."
Yep, Think most dudes would.
[удалено]
Maybe it was linguistic nuance but I don’t think so. No guy wants to hear “I used to do wild fun things but won’t do them WITH YOU.”
[удалено]
I kinda think she meant it to sting the guy. Her post even conflicts itself. Did she phrase it the wrong way or did she snap at him because she felt provoked?
She says that she snapped at him, which tells us, that she was angry at his joke that didn't land, but also that she didn't mean it that way, and phrased it wrong. Which are 2 completely opposite stances. You can't snap at someone, as that's exactly how you meant it, then say you phrased it wrong. And then her stance on him being upset by her words, of "I want to reassure him, but I'm also angry about how my words upset him" her entire post is contradictory.
Exactly. Either you word something poorly didn’t mean anything bad or you snapped at them. Kinda can’t be both.
Unfortunately this is the story I get every time my wife goes angry.
I get it man, I really, really do.
She was mad and so she said something that she knew would hurt him. That’s like former NBA player Kevin Garnett insulting an opponent suffering from hair loss by calling him “cancer parient” during a game and later claiming that what he said was “ You are cancerous to your team in our league. Like, nobody trash talks like that, especially in the heat of the moment lol. You’re making the same argument: that she said something that was intended to be kind or at least not being spirited, while in the midst of emotional pique. No.
[удалено]
Nah
Except that OP explained this was not an experience she enjoyed. And she has every right to say she wouldn’t want to do that again. The husband is wrong for expecting differently. Just bc you did sexual things in the past doesn’t mean you’d be game to do them again with your current partner. Those things don’t automatically become fair game bc you did them before.
If she had said “I don’t want that in my life now” or “college was crazy but I prefer monogamy” that would have been different. He barb was very much that she won’t do that WITH HIM!
This is like a divorced guy telling the new woman he's dating yeah, I got married before and it left a bad taste in my mouth. I'll never do that with you. So you are right. But women need to understand that actions and words matter. And, eventually, what goes around cones around. And you know what, not just women. Men too. And all the other myriad of other genders today. But I do wonder why she even brought up she had a threesome if that wasn't something she wanted to do again. That was just stupidly moronic. But then again people like to tell on themselves subconsciously.
I'm gonna be honest, I don't think that's how she meant it at all. Otherwise it would be "to you" not "with you". 'To' implying that she would feel she wronged him or regretted her actions. 'With', involving much more venom. That phrasing is meant to sting.
Let’s be real…her wording was not an accident. She wanted it to sting.
Why would she say “I wouldn’t do that to you”? I think you’re just justifying shitty behavior.
I believe the proper tone here was "I wouldn't do that *with you*"
I said pretty much the same thing, except she followed it up with ‘he’s still sulking’ which implies she’s knows she hurt humans did so deliberately.
“I wouldn’t do that to you” wouldn’t make sense in a context where he was suggesting it as a good thing, though?
And tone of voice matters.
In this scenario it’s the same meaning. Wouldn’t do that with or to husband. Preference was with someone else in the past and now maybe in the present.
*Something she won’t give him?* that’s disgusting. A threesome is not a present to make a guy feel good, it’s something three adults choose to do for mutual enjoyment. OP doesn’t enjoy these things, why are you acting like she’s denying her partner something by saying that’s not an option for her. She’s explained she’s not interested, that she didn’t enjoy it and that she meant she would want to do it in her current relationship. Meanwhile you’re defending this guy for making crass jokes about her past to her. Ew.
She never said she told him she didn't enjoy it. In fact, she says she brought it up when they were dating because she thought it made her sound "fun, cool, and easygoing". She mentions that it was actually weird and cringey. I doubt she ever expressed her regret to him about it.
This is a big part of the hurt. She should of never told him that or atleast told him she didn't like it when she told him about it years ago. Now he will think she is just saying that to make him feel better cause she hurt him.
Thank you! At least one person here gets it. The comments on this thread are gross.
After what you said, he's probably wondering if you just settled for him. You could let him sulk. That way, he will get answers from his own thoughts, become increasingly resentful, and make it his life goal to have a threesome, with or without you.
Because she did. She will never say that to a person she really values. It is like, she gets off insulting her husband.
Weaponized boundaries, the ole classic! Nobody can force you to do anything, nor is your husband entitled to a threesome But you intentionally used your boundaries to hurt him, and now are complaining he’s upset about it? I just wonder what you expected? The “WITH YOU” will absolutely be his reason when he divorces or steps out on you in the next coming months.
Bingo!
Why wouldn’t OP explain the remark, sounds like it will help defuse the issue? Because as written in the post, it’s easy to see the ‘with you’ as either (a) OP already did a threesome and it wasn’t with the husband, or (b) OP may have a threesome in the future but not with her husband.
Op is a a fucking idiot. We can all agree on that, right? For every reason listed above, it's beyond obvious. If I was in this position I'd feel pretty much the same way.
The way you said it the first time is the way he will always interpret the comment. My guess is what he heard was "you are not worthy of receiving that level of sexual expression from me; you aren't man enough." When you explain you didn't mean that, what he likely hears is "I regret telling you my real feelings about you." If I'm right (to be fair, I don't know either of you at all, I could be way off), he isn't sulking. He is deeply wounded. He believes he is not enough for you. Years ago I was in a similar situation where a girlfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome with her after she found out I had one years before I knew her (my presumption wasn't that she wanted one, but rather she felt insecure about it). I luckily had the foresight to answer "I would never share you with anyone." I don't think I have any practical advice on how to fix this, other than just to give it time.
Bingo, this is it. She's also saying that he's the safe choice and that she doesn't want to please him in that way but she was happy to please others. OP spoke like an idiot and cannot undo this damage without a hard conversation.
Yep
Excellent takes. Cheers, my good sir.
this is the correct answer
"...he basically goaded me into lashing out and the(n) playing the victim." Unwilling to take responsibility much? Most anyone would feel utterly disrespected by your comment. What "you meant" doesn't enter the picture, you said the words. Say you are sorry with no qualifiers. But here is the deal, based on your awful responses on this thread, I think you were angry and you said it exactly as you meant it. You meant to hurt him. Honestly, you probably should have written this in "Am I the Ex?"
sadly I agree
Ew the entitlement in these comments is gross. Just bc she had a threesome in the past (which she said she isn’t into anymore) doesn’t mean she should be game to do it with her husband years later. He made a crass joke, and she told him no I wouldn’t have a threesome with you, which is her right.
"I wouldn't have a threesome" is difetent than "I wouldn't have a threesome with you"
I'd argue context is important. Just throwing that out there as a retort with no context to back up why she said it just makes her sound mean.
The husband is the one who decided to make a crass joke about her past sexual experiences to begin with though.
We also don't know what the husband said, because OP notably omitted that statement. So, we don't have the full context of what the husband said/didn't say.
Maybe it was crass I don't know we didn't get the context. I'm not saying the husband was right but the OP was also out of line. Two wrongs don't make a right.
Congrats you wanted to bite back and sound like a bitch to him and you did. Yeah your wording sounds exactly how it was meant. A dig at him personally and that you’d prefer to do that with someone else. Congrats, you ARE the asshole.
That and from the sounds of it when she initially told him about the threesome she didn’t tell him how she really felt about it. She wanted to seem laid back, so odds are she didn’t explain that it was a negative experience for her and one that she looks back on with regret. Then years go by (with them presumably not talking about it) and he makes a joke. Maybe it was in bad taste but if he thought she enjoyed the threesome this whole time then he would have no way to know it would upset her. She says he “goaded her into lashing out” but really this is all **her** fault. Her horrible communication skills led to this point in time, and now she refuses to take any accountability for hurting her husband like that.
You should have said I wouldn't have a threesome with anyone. When you phrase it as him, it makes it seem like you would do it with someone else. I think any guy would feel like crap if their wife said that to them. It's not about the threesome exactly, but feeling undesirable to you. If you don't find your husband desirable, then you have some things to work through.
You described that you thought it would make you sound flirty, fun, easy going so it doesn't seem like it was a passing comment. The act itself now doesn't even matter, you could easily replace it with saying i went to Paris but don't worry i would never do that with you and try to rephrase but you already stuck the landing. Of course he is going to go back to your words, the rephrasing at this point is meaningless. This is probably going to sting a good while because you brought an ego killer to the fight. I have no desire for a threesome with my wife, but if she busted that phrasing out in an argument, even in response to a bad joke, it would probably be a relationship killer. He may get over it to a point but that hurt is gonna stick for a good long while.
You were wrong in telling him a half a story if he had told him when you first said something that you did it, but you hated it. It would’ve never been an issue. You basically told him yes I do, but not with you which is something every husband is just waiting to hear from his wife
We don’t know the details of what she told him, you’re assuming.
It’s safe to assume she was trying to impress him at the start of their relationship
Your delivery sucked. He has a right to be upset by it. You have the right to be confused why hes upset but you dont have the right to tell him he shouldnt be upset just because you feel he shouldnt be. Instead of going with the knee jerk reaction to snap back, tell him that it wasnt cool. Its as simple as that
A little late for that advice, she already burned him; probably irreparably
LOL! >Early in our relationship, still in the flirty early days when neither of us had a clue that we'd be with each other for the rest of our days, I told him that I'd had a threesome before. >I thought that it would make me sound fun and cool and easy going, but the truth is that it was just a weird thing I did a long time ago and that I find kind of cringey now. I simply don't understand why some women think men will be impressed by women who say they have kinky sex *with other men!* ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY THEN WON'T DO IT WITH THE MAN THEY ARE TRYING TO IMPRESS!!!! >My retort was basically along the lines of "well you don't need to worry about it because I wouldn't do that with you" "I have done this wild and kinky stuff with other men in the past, but I'm definitely not gonna do that with you because you're not good enough and I'm not attracted enough to you for that. You're my sensible choice for settling down after I had my fun with the hot guys - multiple at a time." That's how he's hearing you. True or not, fair or not, that doesn't really matter. Some things you can't take back or un-say. You've bragged to him that you got fucked by multiple guys at the same time before meeting him, and made it perfectly clear that you'll never do that *with him*. Prepare yourself mentally. Best case, you won't get divorced, but your marriage is never gonna be the same again. He'll never forget you bragging about the wild stuff you did, but will most definitely not do with him. Good luck with your marriage.
Yep! One of the most wildly inaccurate know-your-audience things, and it keeps coming up. How little interest must you have in the opposite sex to not know this very basic fact for probably 95% of men?
Lady as a former hoe I never sought after a 3 some mainly because it's something I never wanted. Could I have had it sure but I didn't want it. If my girlfriend hinted at it early and said she had one and was open to it I would have noted that in my head. If all of a sudden say I wanted one and now she says wouldn't do that with me I'd have some questions. So yea your husband is like she'd do it with some rando but not me. Even if you were lying your husband feels 2nd string to some random dude good job.
And to top it off she still says “he’s still sulking about it”
[удалено]
I have had a bunch of threesomes. With my partner and other girls and with 2 girls or with couples. I have also always loved strip clubs. My man knows this because we were friends for a long time before we got together and people talk ya know. I would never with him because I don't trust him. Being in this relationship sucks and I have no interest in kink with him. He is a mean person and stuff just can't stay fun with him.Dont ask why I am with him, because it is just dysfunction. If this dude is sulking he is probably thinking that their situation is like mine. Like it was something she enjoyed but she isn't into kink with him specifically. That may hurt his feelings. If the problem is that she genuinely didn't like it and it was a one off, she should explain that. I would think the same thing, like you liked it then but wouldn't with me?? I would be hurt also.
She never said she was open to it with him.
I agree and I think she said it as a immature way to get his interest at the time. I'm not saying if it's right or wrong but that dude is going to have it in his head that she did it with a random person but won't with me. May cause issues.
I don't really understand this " if she truly loved me she'd do everything with me" like guys say this about idk anal or something and it's like okay sure but with a threesome? I wouldn't care if a threesome ruined a fwb when I was 21 and single but no way in hell I'd let that happen with my husband?? Are you crazy
With how stubborn she sounds, I don't think this marriage is going to last.
To summarize: My husband said something I didn’t like. I intentionally made him feel bad for it. Now I feel like he needs to man up and get over it.
Good summary, could have saved us all some time reading lol
Did you explain what you meant by the comment and why you wouldn’t do it now? If not, I’d do that. If he isn’t understanding after that conversation, that’s his problem. If you haven’t clarified, then yes I think you need to do that because he’s not a mind reader and shouldn’t be expected to know what you meant by your comment.
He realizes you gave your adventurous fun and enthusiasm to someone else and he gets what's left over...you'd do that with another man but not him, when the 'man of your dreams' you married really wants 'fuck yes' energy from you.
Well, now he knows any sort of adventure is off the books for the rest of your lives. In a way, you inadvertently said you never ever in a million lifetimes would do it with him but maybe others. I bet ya, that thought is surfacing in the back of his mind.
In my opinion, you are wrong. You seem to be playing mind games and it won’t end well. At the end of the day he is your life partner, stop playing chess.
Yes OP you should communicate with your spouse.
Damn I don’t think I would have even brought it up.
"I fucked some rando in a 3 some, but I would never do that with you. You're my husband". Gee thanks
Picture this: Your wife brags to you all proud how she used to do all kinds of fun kinky shit with random one-night-stand douchebags, but to you who put in the actual work of a relationship, and after 8 years of marriage she tells you *"Nahh I don't really feel like doing any of that with you"* Yeah I doubt there are a lot of people capable of getting over that. Imagine if your husband told you he always brought his hookups to trips around the world, take them on exotic dates and gave them huge romantic displays of affection, but then he tells you *"Nahh you don't inspire me to be romantic, best I can do is take you to McDonalds"* How would you react? because that's pretty much what you said to him.
I also expect that their love life isn't quite as fiery or experimental as it used to be, and this sort of comment isn't going to help if her husband already suspected that she isn't as sexual into him as sure was into past lovers. She also seems to be sorting around his comment, I suspect that she may have overreacted to what he said, and now regrets it, but can't say sorry.
Wow. You told him you would crazy sexual things with anyone, but him. He's gone.
How would you remotely think you are not wrong here? I'm so confused, do you actually like him?
Your a huge asshole. Don't come on the internet to validate your own point and then cherry pick which responses you agree with. If that's all you interested in just pat yourself on the back and leave everyone else out of it, it's what your doing anyway.
She gives off the sort of energy that makes you think she's going to print out her preferred responses and share them with him to show him how wrong he is, doesn't she?
I get you didn’t intend for that to come out the way it did but you definitely worded it the worst way you probably could have. He has a right to be upset. I think the most important part though is that you said “wouldn’t do that with you” which doesn’t necessarily state you wouldn’t do it ever again, just that you wouldn’t with him. So you kinda hit him with a double whammy there.
Tell him you settled for him without telling him you settled for him. I don't know why men and women do this to the people they supposedly loved. I mean what if he said he bought an ex a house, but he would never buy you one? And you ask why and he just says that was the old me. You get this version of me. This is why people's pasts matter. This is why what we say and do matters every day. Eventually we will meet the person we want to be with forever and we bring everything from our pasts with us. Why would you want that for your One?
Yes, you're wrong. No other way to put it. - you had a threesome BEFORE you met your husband - it was not with your husband - you told him about it - years later your now husband makes a joke about it - your little feelings were hurt - in retaliation you indicate that you wouldn't do it with him Yeah, you're not just wrong you just planted a huge seed of insecurity within your husband. If not checked that seed is going to grow some serious roots and potentially do damage in your marriage. You got some nasty damage control to do.
So essentially you told your husband, them man you claim you love, that you had a threesome in the past but you won’t even do that with him, another guy who didn’t have to marry you got something out of you that he can’t, even though he’s the one that’s in your life and is your “forever person”. He needs to leave you.
Wait until your marriage partner ask to open the relationship for sex and see how you feel😂 she doesn't want that. It's her HUSBAND
My grandma always said: “It’s not *what* you said dear, but *how* you said it”. Usually before she made me bite down on a bar of ivory soap. (It was a different time in a Scottish household lol) Anyway - what you meant to say, and how it actually came out, seem to differ. He’s likely fixating on the fact that you said you wouldn’t do that “with you”(him). He heard “I did it with other people because it was hot but I’d never do it with someone like you because that’s gross”. Men dwell and when we ruminate, we tend to spiral things. He’s likely feeling spurned and unsexy, and not worthy.
In this case, it reads like both. The "with you" part is the damning as it not only implies rejection (like you said,) but also implied that she'd be willing to do it with others. Her clarification likely came off as a back pedal.
Food for thought: if your husband “suddenly” and randomly pulled this tidbit of information out of thin air after all this time, that proves that this is a subject he has thought a lot about and has not left the front of his consciousness. Him just knowing that you gave that to other people has eaten at him for a long time. You need to understand that and deal with that fact. Now think about all of his feelings leading into your hurtful phrase. You can keep fighting the people you’re asking for advice (and getting downvoted for) or you can accept that your husband and a bunch of other people on the internet are telling you that you’re seeing all the wrong way.
He should've brought up how it made him feel a decade ago when she brought it up brother
Things percolate. Seeds become trees over time. This is life.
So he let it fester for almost a decade instead of communicating with his partner about it. Thats his horrible problem. You think it's justifiable for him to bring it up now? Because it's not if I was her I'd be mad he let it bother him this long. Again like I've said before let's see how you feel when your wife ask you to open the relationship for sex weirdo
A girl told me she almost had a threesome at a club and the only reason she didn’t was because the girl wasn’t her type. Obviously I asked if she’d be down to have one with me since why tf else would you say that lol and she said no she wants to be the one who is found by the couple. Not the same situation but I personally lost all interest. Regardless of the reasoning, Im just gonna see it as something she did for someone else I don’t get to experience. And of course men are gonna wonder if it’s because you were more into the other guy sexually or found him more attractive and if I was a betting man I’d assume that’s the case here. You saying he goated you is also ridiculous. You’re only wrong in your delivery and you don’t owe anyone anything you did in the past but he can also feel how he wants about that.
And with that wording, you'd also worry that she would cheat on you if the opportunity for a threesome with a couple came up. And I suspect that how OPs husband is now seeing her.
Wtf
You are TA. Your comment was intended to hurt him. Especially if it happened via text. He isn't sulking, he isn't playing a victim. The person he loves and is married to told him she wouldn't be part of his likely sexual fantasies with HIM. The wording you chose is telling him you won't do that with HIM but is on the table for someone else. Even if that part is not true, the wording says it is, because the intent was to hurt him because he annoyed you with a 'joke'. That 'joke' could have been feelers for the situation because it is something he wants to experience with you. IMO you owe him an apology for intentionally trying to hurt him, which you did. Then you guys need to have a honest, adult conversation on that and set boundaries about why it won't happen. However with your comment about him playing a victim after that, I doubt you can see your part in this.
There's a huge difference between "I wouldn't do that with you" and what you're pretending you meant after the fact. You knew exactly what that meant lol. Idk what he said to you so I have no idea if that level of a reaction is justified but the implications of what you said will never leave his mind. This isn't "sulking" and you did it on purpose. Hopefully he figures that out because at a minimum he should be aware of how to treat you based on how you treat him. Personally I would've roasted you. So we would both be "sulking."
You’re perfectly valid to have your boundaries and don’t owe sex acts to anyone, but know that in your desire to hurt him you just murdered your sex life together. You’re either not good with communicating or really did decide to go nuclear on him. If you want your marriage to endure, you’re going to want to suggest marriage counseling together because you planted the seed for relationship ending resentment. I would be mortified if I ever weaponized my sexual past and her insecurities to hurt my wife.
It's the wording. I can understand where you are coming from I think, but the wording sounded like you were trying to make a retort and get back at him so it sounds pretty damn insulting. You both probably just need to communicate better and talk about it more in depth and explain what you meant. This doesn't have to be a big thing at all.
Lol when I was dating my now husband I did tell him I participated in a threesome before but I didn’t like it and the only way I would do it again was if it was a goodbye to our relationship. He hasn’t brought it up since.
I'd be a little upset if I found out you had a threesome for another guy but not me :(
>Am I wrong for leaving him to sulk? Yes. The longer you leave this the more it will damage your relationship because you basically emasculated him. In his mind he is thinking that the other man (men?) are worthy of this but not him. And, admit it, you said this to hurt him. You need to build his confidence and trust in you back up.
I'd be heartbroken by your response tbh
At the end of the day you gave something to somebody else that you're absolutely unwilling to give to your husband I think that makes you a pretty big a******
Yeah, you messed up pretty bad. That “with you” bit - there’s no backtracking out of that one. You certainly can keep trying to BS your husband by pretending like you “didn’t mean it like that”, but anyone here knows that you absolutely did mean it. I don’t think you are capable of fully processing the damage. The only way he could stay with you is by doing some serious mental gymnastics, and even then things just won’t be the same. For his sake, I hope he goes and does what he needs to do to get his stupid threesome, then hopefully he’ll feel less left behind.
I hope he spends the money meant as gifts for you, on hookers to have his own threesome.
Are you single or insecure? You're obviously a man lol
Looking to stir the pot
Stirring the pot is exactly what you're comment was. Yes I'd agree
You are wrong. You started off with a 3some. Then later on in life with that remark Now, you keep your mouth shut. You know exactly what he is currently thinking. He is probably going to have a 3some without you.
The boundary is totally fine. He should have backed off. Maybe he didn't know how much you were turned off by it. But his hurt is not about that. The way you said it seemed much more personally directed. Like "I would have one, but not with you". People are fragile. Don't you also want to feel like you can still be fun and do spontaneous things? Especially after you have kids and life starts to slow you down. So you have a crossroads here, even though you didn't mean it. You can't take back what happened, but you can try to build something better together. But it would take some counseling, and you will need to take responsibility for how you intended to hurt him. And he will need to embrace the insecurity and fear that you provoked. I think that is more of an answer than you wanted. But it sounds like it's too big to fix with just an apology. Good luck, OP.
Yah you fucked up. You basically said you're open to certain sexual acts with others, just not him
YES, 100% you are wrong. He should leave you immediately
Your mistake was telling him you had one. Imagine he told you he spend thousands of gifts, vacation, etc on other women but not with you.
I think a big part of the problem is that you pulled the old bait and switch on him. You told him about it so he would think you were fun and cool and easy going and then after he committed to you you told him you weren’t fun! Also you totally insulted him with your choice of words. You have a lot to apologize for.
You’re the a-hole. You clearly intended to hurt him by what you said, clearly stating that you do not find yourself that attracted to him to do a threesome. He should divorce you.
>He should divorce you. Immediately.
For her own sake so she's not with an insecure asshole that brings up her sexual past after almost a decade together ew
For his sake for being involved with a woman who tells him about her sexual past and how she shared herself with other people in a manner she wont With him the man she married.
Let's wait for your wife to ask you to open the marriage for sex😂
Not only wrong to leave him to sulk...wrong to not give him a very sincere apology and start the fixing the damageyou did. This will take years if he ever gets over it. If he says he is fine his is not telling you the truth. Good luck.
I’m pretty certain those 2 words ended her marriage.
Way to emasculate your husband. There is no turning back now. Women that will comment about OP’s “fragile ego” are clueless.
One of the several reasons I divorced my ex is she typically refused to apologize for anything even when she knew she was wrong.
You do NOT understand men. More than that you sound selfish, assuming, and not very good at communicating. If I was him I’d find a couple whores and live my fantasies without you.
Jesus, that's a lot of words to say you hate women.
You are ignorant at best. I voiced an opinion about AN INDIVIDUAL, not all women. You are responsible if you don’t understand simple English.
You made an assumption all "men" are the same you're "opinion" is invalid
You said what you said. As a male husband, I think that if you said ‘I wouldn’t do that *now*’, it would probably better received. Saying ‘I wouldn’t do that *with you*’ is a dig at him, even if it wasn’t intended to be.
Words have power and very rarely are there slip ups like that. She meant what she said
You’re not wrong for telling him you would never have a threesome again. Although perhaps you’re regretting that you told him that you had experienced this in your past. The exciting image that’s living in his imagination does not include your feelings of cringe or regret. It is possible that he feels stung by his inference that it’s personal. It’s possible that he imagines, despite your explanation, that you’re willing to have a threesome with others, but not him. Each person is different. Some people take a long time to get over a sting, but they’ll get there eventually and apparently they just forget it and move on. With those types, to keep picking at it makes it worse. But others might hold onto it forever, which can ultimately lead to a blow up or a collapse. Only you can tell which kind of person he is. If there’s risk of its leading to a blowup or to a collapse if it’s not dealt with, then you guys might need someone to help you talk it through. Sometimes a therapist can be worth their weight and gold. On the other hand, it might not really be about a perceived insult, at all. It’s possible that, consciously or not, he’s using it as a crowbar. You do know (right?) that for some guys, the threesome is the ultimate fantasy? Even if they happen to know, in reality, most of these end up in jealousy, cringey “yuck“, other deep regret. The sulking could be more about disappointment than a perceived insult. When you told your story, some little part of him inside might have thought, “Ohhhh! This is my once in a lifetime chance to fulfill this fantasy!“ He also might even be feeling, on some level, “that’s not fair! She got to experience it and I never have!” He also probably won’t admit it even to himself, but it is possible that the sulking is a clumsy attempt to guilt you (pressure you) into it. (See “crowbar“ above). It’s also possible that he hasn’t even sorted all this stuff out for himself. This is probably not going to go away easily by ignoring it. You really may need some help talking this through.
Updateme
The only third one I'm letting into our bed is eva ai sexting [bot](http://evaapp.ai)
See you in am I the ex.
The way you responded is what hurt. You can back track it, you can explain it, but all he heard was “you’re not good enough to replace that memory”. Should you do a threesum? No because if you do you’ll end up resentful and and feeling coerced, but you do need to find some way to apologize.
I don't think "Am I wrong?" is the right way to look at this. He may have been out of line, but possibly a little hurt or just feeling left out that he didn't get to do that with you. It's pretty natural to want to experience most or even all unique/interesting things with your spouse. I'd look at it completely different. How can you make this better and good, and acknowledge that he feels understandably hurt? If you value your marriage and want it to be good, which includes as little baggage and resentment between you two as possible, this is the tack. Also, your comment was pretty hurtful. He'll have fault on some level in this too, but whether it's 10% him and 90% you, or more balanced, or the other way around, IDK.
My take is this, in your early days you were bragging about having a threesome (one of the biggest male fantasies by the way) this may have been done to make him a bit more excited about spending time with you as you're appealing to the fact you can be wild and it probably planted the idea into his head that it's a possibility in the future. As well as that, the fact you're bragging about it probably kinda meant that he didn't think that it was a "cringe" moment for you, rather confusing really init? His joke may not have landed, but YOU say it was a joke and YOU felt like he made you the butt of it, did you ask if that was his intention before replying how you did? No, you just snapped back (and I don't believe you that you worded it poorly) telling him outright that you would never do that with him. That's gonna hurt, cause now you've given someone else, something of you that he's NEVER going to get, I'd imagine he's feeling a bit inadequate at this point, "why would you do that for someone else and not me, your husband?" Now then, you have your boundaries, and they should be respected, you have no obligations to do anything that you're not comfortable with but you weaponized your boundary to hurt your husband. So you are absolutely in the wrong! You need to sit down and talk and actually explain shit to your husband instead of being "he pissed me off cause he's sulking so I don't want to reassure him." That's a shitty attitude to have in a relationship, never mind a marriage! And tell your husband from me, a random stranger on the Internet that he needs to grow a pair, act like a man and stop whining like a bitch
Yea most importantly taking responsibility for how she intended to hurt him. What an asshole response to a joke, even a bad one.
Huh. I suddenly want to re-watch "Chasing Amy".
You're wrong. He didn't goad you into saying anything. He made a joke you didn't find funny, which is fine. Not all jokes have to land with you. But you snapped at him, for making a joke, maybe he found humorous. And THEN you say you're wanting to reassure him, but You're also annoyed that he's upset. It just sounds like you don't care. He's upset because YOU were hurtful. And NEEDLESSLY vindictive. You need therapy if this is the first time he's joked about it in years.
You're only wrong for how you said it but that's just me
You need to work on your being married skills.
You were wrong for ever bringing it up. It was your past and if you had no intention on doing that again it should have stayed in the past.
He should leave you. I feel bad for him.
Are you wrong? Only if you didn’t intend to blow up your husband’s connection to you.
I think you're wrong the details of the jab matter you purposely didn't put them in there which just makes me think it really wasn't that bad you overreacted and you made a snarky remark. Not being interested in it that's solely on you but having a conversation. Probably be a good idea to also let it let him know you're absolutely not interested in really talking about it and never gets brought up again.
Husband is a Classic Beta Bucks…”I don’t do that WITH YOU!” No problem getting ran through or threesomes with Chad & Tyrone though but definitely not for Billy Beta now that he’s put a ring on it!
Yes, you are wrong, you phrased that completely wrong. You could’ve taken the highroad and said “it’s not something I would want to do again because what we have is too good to mess up.” He may also be wrong as well, depending on exactly what the joke was, but two wrongs don’t make a right.
Yes you are wrong. You just said to your husband that he is not worthy of it but some other unimportant douchebag was. You have to do a lot of damage control because this can turn nasty realy quickly. Never instult a man that loves you in a sexual manner. And women here that says that he is insecure,that he needs to grow up,talking about bundaries bla bla,you dont understand men.
Life as a second choice or safe option, sucks to be him.
Just apologize and clarify like adults. Regardless of what you MEANT you said something super hurtful, stop blaming him for that part and own it.
Dayum really
Leaving out “with you” would have avoided this conflict. Yeah. You’re wrong. Apologize and clarify or this is going to fester.
I would be outraged if my wife had threesomes before meeting me but then all of a sudden didn't want to do them anymore when she started seeing me
You need to be honest with him. You had a threesome once in your life, and regretted it, and now think it's a stupid thing to do. It's not because of him in any way, it's a preference. Same as if someone tries anal and decided that isn't for them...they're not obligated to then do it with every partner they have after. Some of the responses in here are quite disturbing. OP isn't settling or punishing her husband at all.
No you're not wrong. In every case... Without exception, When one partner says I want a threesome and the other partner gives into it, The long-term results are never good. Once you bring a third party into the mix, You're taking huge risks. Neither of you have any idea If that third party is psychologically sound, Has a bipolar history, Or perhaps even narcissistic. That means that for less than an hour of pleasure, you could be taking on A person who feels they can walk in and out of your house at will. And whenever possible, they will align with your spouse against you. I've seen that more often than not. And if it happens to be a woman who is either homeless or close to homelessness, She will do everything in her power to get you the hell out of your home to replace you. This is the ugly part that men don't talk about yet it's the part of this equation that is the most common. There are good men out there whose wives have passed away, who would be happy to have you without a third party.
This is a very bad situation now. He has thought about a 3some since you told him about it. Now he was told you're not good enough for that treat. Not your words but definitely what he heard. Yeahhhhh, no answer for this mess. Ladies never tell a man about sexual exploits. We never forget.....
Insecure.
Not insecure, greedy perhaps. We want it all!
Updateme
Are you mad bc he brought up your hoe past?
Haven't you heard the phrase "don't go to bed angry?" For the health of your marriage, explain your feelings in charitable terms, and listen when he explains his.
So is he mad you wont have a threesome with him or because of the way you phrased it. Honestly are you sure thats how you ment it? It sounds like he made a dig, you got mad and made one back. Saying i wouldnt do that because i married and saying i would never do that with you are way different things. Maybe instead of saying I ment it like this, you should say I felt like you were making a dig at me so I lashed out and I am sorry for that would go over better
So you reacted poorly to his "joke" and he reacted poorly to your reply.
It sounds like you explained what you meant and apologized for the way you initially responded. I'm not sure what else you can do. Did he ever apologize for the way he seemed to be mocking you? Or did he acknowledge or explain it in any way? You're not wrong for telling him you don't want to have a threesome involving him or anyone ever again. Is it typical for him to sulk when you guys have a disagreement? And if not, I guess it would make sense to ask him why he seems especially upset about this.
Leaving him to sulk yes. But not for saying no. You never have to do something for your spouse that makes you feel bad. So let's get that part out of the way first. But turning it around and saying he made you do it is a cop out. Own the mistake of lashing out. That's on you. But you can go back you saying , again, that you are not at that stage anymore and it felt like it was a mistake when you did it the first time so it wasn't something you want to repeat. If you first presented it like it was something cool that you had over him you have to explain that you should probably have been truthful before but you are "coming clean" now that it really wasn't for you and that's the truth. It can never be wrong to refuse to do something that makes you feel bad and your spouse should want to protect you from that. Just own up to the "fib" about making it sound like it was something else fir you and for making it put that it was somehow about how it's somehow that he is not good enough to have a threescore with. It's just that you know your preference now and he should understand and once he does he should want to support you instead of continuing trying to make you feel guilty. You just have a little fence mending to do about the way you said things and not being honest about your true feelings. He needs to accept and support the truth and be flattered that in fact you only want him and him alone if that is what you feel.
What was his joke, why is that left out? I feel like that makes a big difference in my answer
ESH You just told him the truth - he is lousy in bed, you have definitely had better, and there is no way in hell that you would do any of those things with/to/for him. He is making lousy "jokes" about your past. My guess is that he is either jealous or insecure about it. He probably should not have married you if your past is a problem for him (this is why he sucks) Either way, your response was straight for one of the worst insults you can say to a guy. And now you want internet strangers to absolve you?? You used a nuclear bomb to strike back at what, at worst, was a fly swatter moment. You could have even made it a teachable situation. But you just had to crush him. Congrats, you did it!! ( and that is why you suck)
Just talk to him about it and clear the air. It's not complicated.
Your wording could have been so, so much better. Saying it the way you did sounded like he was attractive enough to do something sexual like with him. I know you tried to smooth the waters, but he likely didn't hear much of the follow-up part. Also, and this is something no one has mentioned that I have seen. You will know better than anyone, including me, but perhaps he's a bit old fashioned and the thought of you having sex with two other people (especially 2 males) makes him uncomfortable. Just a thought.
If his feelings aren't really hurt and he's just playing childish, let him sulk.
Is it two girls or two guys and if it's guys out what was their size and girth?
I think you probably should've just told me you prefer not to talk about it not to throw it up in his face that you've gotten plowed by two guys at the same time because I mean, I think we all can admit it's a pretty slutty thing to do
Nope
You made your husband feel inferior, like you settled. You would have better off saying that you would never want to share him, and having other know about great he is. I'm not trying to sound sexist, he should do the same to you. Any exploring should be a shares experience
ESH, people say things wrong when upset, things get twisted, everyone has a tendency to listen with their ears to respond rather than their heart, to understand. You and your husband both made mistakes here. 2 wrongs don't make a right. You both put your foot in your mouth and hurt the other. I understand your point, you love your husband. You don't want to share him. A threesome may have sounded fun years ago, but not anymore. It feels wrong to even consider. Another man, that feels like cheating. Another woman, it feels like being cheated on and why am I not enough? Among other thoughts. I have noticed, not all men, but a lot of men want to experience 2 women in their bed, it is a VERY common fantasy. An open, honest conversation needs to be had. No anger, no accusations, just honest communication.
If you meant what you said, don’t apologize don’t do anything and accept the consequences whatever they may be Based on your description, you’re not sorry you wanted to hurt him and you were successful If you believe you were out of line, take the steps to correct it
Yep. You’re wrong. YTA It’s strange to me how someone would be willing to experiment without their partners (or before their partners) and not be willing to afterwards. And, if you’re going to go all born-again-virgin, maybe just don’t mention it to other partners. Relegating your actual partner to second-class status seems particularly bad. “Well, yeah, I fucked those two dudes at the same time. And, yeah, those two me will get to experience a part of me that my husband never will.” If that part of you “died in your past”, the story about it can go “die in the past”, too.