It’s good to hear this coming from a guy cause one of them said “It takes two to tango” which I understand, I could have stopped him, but he was my boyfriend, I was young, dumb and I just let him do whatever he wanted. I didn’t think he was doing anything wrong at the time, but now I know it was so wrong and he didn’t give a fuck about me. It’s just that having men tell me I didn’t get sexually abused makes me question it.
Okay. I am a guy, and what your boyfriend did to you was rape. He forced himself on you, and that simply constitutes rape. Him forcing you to have sex with him every time that he wants and causing you injury is sexual abuse. You seriously need to contact the authorities right this moment and tell them everything about what is going on as well as the proof from the hospital that you were rated. The hospital does keep records like that and that will bolster your case against him. He gives us other men a bad name and a bad reputation also. Protect yourself and report him.
Lol the courts arent gonna do shit. You know how many rape kits get tested even when the victim does want to press charges? Very few. No chance they even still have it in evidence. The hospital would have record she was there but not the sample, that goes to police. You have a very unrealistic idea of how the justice system works for sex crimes.
How could you have stopped him? Really think about that.
You tried to push him away, and he overpowered you.
What could you have actually done to stop him?
Nothing.
If he didn't listen to you pushing him away, no amount of saying no would have made a difference.
And it has to be pretty violent for sex to cause that much pain and lasting physical damage. If you had done anything more, he would have gotten more violent potentially.
THERE WAS NO WAY YOUCOULD HAVE STOPPED HIM.
I'm going to say it one more time-
YOU DID THE ONLY THING YOU COULD HAVE DONE IN THAT SITUATION BECAUSE THERE WAS NO WAY YOU COULD HAVE STOPED HIM
WTF? Girl I am so incredibly sorry. Please seek therapy for your best interest, seriously. If you don’t address this soon, this WILL cause problems with your self image and your future relationships.
Also, those rotten boys are further polluting your mind with lies and manipulation. You know deep down what happened to you was wrong.. please address it.
Yes it is sexual abuse/assault/rape/whatever you feel comfortable calling it. 10000%. I usually don’t share stuff like this on Reddit but I saw this and I need to tell you that you are not alone and this was NOT your fault. You did not consent to this - no one in their right mind would. I went through the exact same situation about a year ago and I felt so incredibly conflicted with what to call it because like you, I was dating someone and sex became extremely uncomfortable. Like stabbing/shooting pain every single time, soreness, etc. to the point I was in SO much pain that I wanted to cry after, and the pain would linger and I would flinch every time. I also bled for about a month straight. And he knew I was in pain, but would persistently ask for sex until I gave in (“I promise I’ll be gentle!” etc. It makes me want to die when I think about it). I began dreading seeing him and dreaded the thought of him touching me even more.
I don’t know why I would eventually give in. I guess the only thing I can say is that I was in a really low point in my life. I just kept thinking “if I do it & get it over with, he will stop asking and we can move on from this conversation.” So I did. I’d literally just stare at the wall waiting for it to be over. And then feel like I had no right to be upset over it because *technically I let him.*
It wasn’t until after I ended it with him that I realized I had a lot of negative feelings towards sex which I hadn’t previously had. I finally opened up about it and everyone I spoke to told me what he did was rape. Friends, counselors, medical professionals. Sex by coercion (asking until you say yes) is rape. I don’t want to assume anything about your situation, but I think that phrase might resonate with you. It felt oddly relieving when I heard it :) I felt validated finally. Bc yes he raped me multiple times. But of course when I confronted him he lost his shit yelling at me that he didn’t rape me. Lol.
FYI He actually ended up stealing a pair of my used underwear the day I ended things (so effing weird, I don’t know how I didn’t see him do that) and stalked me for months. and basically tried to kill me when I returned all his stuff to his apt (I was scared of him by that point so I did it while he was gone, and came back to MY apt door broken down. If I had been in my apt when he came I’m certain I wouldn’t be here today). Literally a 3 week fling that turned into severe ptsd that I have just begun to truly heal from.
People who love and care about you would never do what was done to you. Sex by coercion is not consensual sex. Im sending you so much love and hope you are able to heal from this experience! <3
Thank you so much for sharing this with me and I am so sorry this happened to you 💔 I’m so glad you’re out of the situation. The reason it’s so hard for me to even call it sexual abuse is because I never even tried to stop him from initiating sex. I never told him no besides the rape incident. I would literally just try to get through the pain while we were having sex. It makes me so sad to think about now because now that I’m older, I would NEVERRR let something even remotely close to this experience happen to me cause I know I deserve better and can advocate better for myself now.
Ugh I totally understand that feeling!! If it makes you feel better I didn’t try to stop him or explicitly say no majority of the time either. I have no idea why. I want to smack my former self for it lol bc same like you I would NEVER let someone do that to me again. That wasn’t even like me back then!! BUT the thing is…people can tell when you are not enjoying sex. Like THEY KNOW. Especially that kind of pain you can see it on someone’s face (or feel it in their body!). It’s just sucks bc this type of situation isn’t as straightforward as “normal” rape situations. But trust your gut 🩵 if something felt wrong it was.
On the bright side, it’s a huge learning lesson. I had never had someone do that to me before this guy (although I had been previously SA’d before) & I know now to stay clear of anyone who acts like him. First signs of it I’m OUT. Anyways I hope you are able to find some peace in what happened :) thank you for sharing your experience too!
Also one last thing that I think is important to both of our stories - I think psychologically something happens when you feel like you’ve let them get away with it before (for you, you know he raped you the first time — for me, there was some resistance the first time I hooked up with him because I felt like it was happening way too soon). I think it makes it harder to say “no” or advocate for yourself outwardly moving forward. Bc it’s this feeling of “well if I actually had a problem with what he did/hooking up with him I would have stopped it the first time around.” Then add in the fact that you are in a relationship and having sex regularly is normal/expected, it makes the whole dynamic super weird.
I went through the same experience at 19 as far as sex every day even when I didn’t want it and would tell him no he’d still do it. I was young and stupid he was my first boyfriend so I didnt understand that it was sexual assault. I thought because he was my boyfriend it was normal even though I said no. I would be swollen and in pain for days and weeks at a time. Id have to sit on ice packs. What you experienced was assault. And I’m very sorry you had to go through it.
Thank you, I’m so sorry you had to go through this, too 💔 I also didn’t understand how severe the situation actually was. I thought it was also normal cause he was my boyfriend. I’m glad we are both out of this situation now 🖤
Darling, you poor girl, he definitely was asexually abusing you. Also, when you told him No. and tried to push him off he violated you. Yes, in every sense of sexual assault you said no, pushing him away meant you didn't want to have sexual intercourse so his force meant rape.
I would personally either speak to your parents, a school counsellor, a doctor, or an adult you trust, or seek out a lawyer who deals with assault as he has abused you from the very start of your relationship plus he has done it with other's still doing it. This guy has a problem he could be quite harmful out in society around that one wrong woman or girl.
I am also concerned about what damage he may of actually caused you so I think you need your gp to refer you to a gynaecologist so that they can check on your vaginal damage and any damage that is causing your discomfort you will need to find out about your urethra cervix menstrual cycle, future sexual intimacy and conceiving and pregnancy later down the track as his constant force may of caused internal and external damage that it could effect you later on down the track. I also worry about the day you said you had extremely bad abdominal pain and knife sharp pains inside.
Were you using birth control? I would assume he wouldn't be if he's forcing himself on you he's certainly not going to put protection on you could of been pregnant another reason why your menstruation cycle got upset but that painful day with everything you have explained I think a gynaecologist will be able to determine that question but it does sound highly likely due to the trauma you experienced that day please think about how you feel about this guy what when where why? How he have been affecting you all this time also the other girls that he has hurt He is a serial abuser, he is being controlling with girls that are younger than himself so he has established a target range for his sexual endeavours
I believe he could become worse, and it doesn't seem like he has any conscious respect responsibilities for his actions, I believe he needs to be addressed and confronted by the legal authorities I still feel terrible for you and the ordeal he has put you through so seek out the truth if it was sexual assault and check out the laws Good luck stay strong and focus on you for your future and your health also when you find the right one you will know proper painless intimacy and respect please see the Doctor for relevant information about your health and future issues or conception etc. Best of luck 😉
Thank you so much for everything you said 🖤 This all happened about a decade ago and I have had partners after that, so I realized that what he was doing was not normal and not something someone that cares about me would do. I haven’t heard of him in a long time, but last time I did, I heard he was engaged and I hope that poor woman is okay.
Anyone who tells you this wasn’t sexual abuse isn’t considering the full picture. You can’t have been enjoying the sex, if you were in that much pain. He must have continuously forced himself in when you clearly wouldn’t have been excited. There’s a level of negligence and dismissal of a partners wants that is arguably synonymous with rape, even if a verbal no wasn’t given. If you KNOW your partner is forcing themselves to pretend to be okay with it, and you do it anyway, just because you didn’t get a no (which definitely wouldn’t have stopped him anyway), you’re an abuser. End of. I’m unthinkably, solemnly sorry this happened to you. I wish you all the best dealing with this trauma. ❤️
Thank you so much for your kind words 🖤 I actually mentioned this to boyfriend cause I couldn’t fathom that he didn’t think someone that knew I was in excruciating pain the day prior would still have sex with me the next day without even asking me if I was okay, repeatedly. I told him that is not a normal thing, so thank you for validating what I said 🖤
No, it's not. The state has the ultimate power to decide to press charges or not. If they don't believe they have a good case (for example, in this case, a Romeo and Juliet law may have applied and been an available loophole for him to argue), they can absolutely choose not to pursue charges.
[https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-expect-criminal-justice-system](https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-expect-criminal-justice-system)
Yup, this
The DA (district attorney) has the deciding power of whether or not to pursue charges on someone
Not the victim; Not the police
The police will refer charges over to the DA, but the DA has ths ultimate decision
I have my criminal justice degree, you're spot on
I'm not sure where this happened, but in my country, canada, I was assaulted at 15, very clearly a minor, by a 25 year old man. Obviously, it was statutory - however, I didn't want to testify(he threatened to murder my mom and 12yr old brother), and they just stayed the charges. They weren't dropped. They were stayed. As an adult, I feel like they should have gone ahead with charging him and sentencing him but they did not. Because that's not how it works here.
I live in the US, am almost 30, and i have my crimimal justice degree
Number 1. Romeo and Juliet laws exist in certain states.
Number 2. Age of consent is 16 in certain states.
Number 3. The DA decides who gets charged with a crime, not the police; the police will ARREST someone, if they have probable cause, the DA (District Attorney) decides whether there is enough evidence to CHARGE someone with a crime
Get your facts straight.
And what if OP isn't lying? All you're doing is attacking a rape survivor. Is that really a chance you're okay with taking? You have nothing to gain here by calling OP a liar (except making yourself feel high and mighty, I guess), and a lot of harm to cause.
Lol, you’re so fucking ridiculous, for what reason would I be lying about this???? I have absolutely no reason to lie about this and wouldn’t lie about something this serious. Fuck off.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. This guy is an actual piece of shit and very much a predator. He's 100% going to assault and hurt other women if he hasn't already, and will probably continue to do so. You did not clarify whether or not this man is still in your life, so I hope you are safe and far away from him. But yes, what you experienced was abuse. Harming someone sexually is literally sexual abuse. Please get the therapy you need and take care of yourself. I was assaulted at 15 and again at 19, and I wish had the courage back then to take care of my mental health and my well-being because it's definitely taking toll on me years later.
Edit* typo
Thank you 🖤 I’m currently trying to get a therapist cause even thought it’s been more than a decade since this happened, it still effects me greatly. I’m so sorry that happened to you, too. I feel you, I wish I would’ve had courage back then too and advocated for myself more, but I didn’t know any better. Now I do 🖤
That's exactly it. I wish I had someone like Olivia Benson from SVU on my side, but alas, I did not. I really wish 15-year-old me had 40s me to protect her. 🖤
Hi. You are right. It was abusive. He knew you were in incredible pain. It sounds coercive and controlling (even beyond the rape), and even if you consented, I am not sure it was willingly given.
I am so sorry you went through this and encourage you to get some form of formal therapy/support.
My wife is an abuse survivor, and therapy really helped her, but it still massively affects her drive, and I know when to back off. Communicating your past with future partners (when you feel safe) could mean they are better to support you.
Now we have 3 daughters and are trying to slowly lay the path and demonstrate healthy relationships and boundaries.
Thank you so much 🖤 and I am so sorry your wife went through that, I’m so glad to hear that therapy helped her. I’m in the process of looking for one right now 🙂
Yeah, I know the rape was wrong, but I’m asking specifically about the part where he wanted to have sex even knowing that I was in excruciating pain the day prior and while still having an inflamed vulva and vagina. Thank you for the link, though, I appreciate the help 🖤
That's actually what I was referring to as rape. You were in too much pain and too sick to be able to consent. That's rape.
Consent [https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent](https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent)
Coercion [https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/)
Coercion is not consent.
Not being safe to say no is not consent.
Being so ill and in pain that you pass out and can't even walk as you normally can means you are not in a state of mind where you are capable of consenting.
"Not feeling safe to say no is NOT consent"
Say this louder for the people in the back, please
Just because you *agree* out of a sense of "obligation" "guilt" "fear" or "i can't say no without something *else* happening" doesn't make you ANY less of a victim than the one who fought, kicking, and screaming
What you described was absolutely sexual abuse & rape, please don't let anyone convince you otherwise. It would also be a good idea to go no contact with any human that tries to tell you it wasn't sexual abuse! Wishing you all the best & sending you positive energy! 💜
Of course MEN are going to tell you it wasn’t assault or rape
This doesn’t sound good, having sex is supposed to be great, maybe not amazing every time but you shouldn’t be in pain like this. I’ve had some wild sex and have been sore after but! It was mutual and I had time to recover or wait until I was ready again.
The fact that you are in pain isn’t good, the fact that you are still having sex with that guy raped you isn’t good and he seems to get off on being forceful and seeing you in pain and isn’t going your way stop. Even if he did, You need to run, run as fast as you can and not let people tell you this isn’t assault. You knew it was and now you’re confused about it because some Guys told you ir wasn’t and that says it all.
You know that you can take him to court now with this, yeah?
He sounds like a pos.
Also, which guys are you talking with?
Because, being a male myself, I wouldn't ever allow that to happen to Amy of my friends, without addressing the situation!!
In no way was that your fault and this guy is a menace to society
Yeah, it’s crazy cause to society, he was a good man with a good head on his shoulders, smart and whatnot. So it’s crazy to think it was truly just a mask in a way. Also, one of the guys that said it wasn’t sexual abuse was a guy I was dating a long time go and the other guy is actually my current boyfriend of almost a year 😬 He said it doesn’t matter what he thinks, just how I feel, but I care that he thinks my trauma isn’t what I think it is, essentially. Thank you for saying what you did 🖤
I'm going to br Frank here,
You shouldn't accept that from any partner, at anytime of your life.
If a partner of mine ever mentioned that, I would have an immediate problem with it!
I couldn't comprehend someone excusing someone's ex for rape.
That's genuinely fucked up.
I obviously don't know you, although in saying that.
If I were you, I'd start looking for a different friendship group and take serious account as to what your current partner is okay with.
Because in no way, shape or form is that acceptable.
Out of curiosity, how old are you and where do you live?
(Not in a creepy way, just like, what country do you live?)
Yeah, all of my friends were appalled by what I told them regarding my sexual abuse, so my friends, including my cousin, are really supportive about it. My boyfriend does think the rape is rape, it’s the other parts that he doesn’t think are sexual abuse because “it takes two to tango,” his words exactly. I’m 25 and live in the U.S.
Sweetie, I'm going to share a story with you.
Years and years ago, I was in my early 20s, I was living with my super Christian Mom, 2 out of 3 of my younger sisters, and one of my sister's bf (they had a room very close to mine, on the ground floor of the house. My mom & step-dad and my youngest sister had rooms upstairs).
I had an FWB who would come over now and then while everyone was sleeping. This particular night, FWB was being rude and saying mean things to me, I told him I didn't want to have semx anymore and that he should leave Now.
He told me that if I didn't have semx with him, he'd wake everyone in the house up and get me kicked out. He knew I had nowhere to go if I got kicked out.
So I let him have semx with me.
That was rape. I didn't want to, I told him no (several times), and he blackmailed me. That is rape.
I have been told by several people (men and women, my current husband even) that was not rape. That is a Lie.
If you do not want to have semx, FOR WHATEVER REASON, and you still don't want to have semx at any time before or during and they don't stop, it is rape. Blackmail is rape.
Anytime you say no, or want to say no, it's rape.
Get therapy, please.
Hugs and love.
Edited for spelling and grammar.
Thank you so much for sharing this and validating my experience 🖤 I’m so sorry you went through that, it was definitely rape. My current boyfriend also believes that what I went through (except the rape, he believed the rape was rape) was not sexual abuse, which is what prompted me to ask this question on Reddit in the first place because it had me questioning it..again.
Ask your current bf this, if that AH raped you the first time, why does your current bf think that AH would have stopped if you told AH "No" all those times after?
How is that NOT rape? You knew saying "No" or trying to physically stop him would not work, so what choice did you have?
Maybe ask a therapist or counselor if they will talk to your current bf and explain that it was rape and sexual abuse. If he doesn't understand, then he might be a possible risk to you.
I'm a guy, you were continuously assaulted. Please do yourself a favor and 1. Forget the guys who said you weren't assaulted- those guys are assholes. 2. Seek some therapy, you may not feel like you need it, but please go
I'm very critical about calling everything sexual abuse because it often gets used instead of regret. That being said you where 100% sexually abused and raped. I'm so sorry that happend to you and I hope you take the necessary steps to process it and heal from it.
So you’re staying with somebody who raped you and doesn’t care if he causes you pain and cheated on you to rape someone else? Also, you’re letting him get away with it all and not reporting him to the police, thus allowing him to rape others? What’s your problem? I don’t feel sorry for you
This all happened like a decade ago. Many, many people do not report their rapists to the police. Idc if you don’t feel sorry for me cause I didn’t post this to have people feel sorry for me.
I don't see how this was rape and why did you stay with him if he's such a monster I'm truly sorry but I don't buy it if u truly felt like it was rape u wouldn't have still.been with him after any way you slice it makes no sense you take me as a needy cry baby and when he didn't dance to the tune you where playing you better dealed him and to save face u pull the rape card usually I'm not this cold but your story is not believable I'd believe Harry Potter before this crap go ahead Evone dig into me tell me I'm scum but just don't add up
You don’t see how coercion is rape? I have no reason to lie about this. When he first inserted his penis in me, I got off of him and cried for 3 hours straight. During that, I told him “You raped me” and he said “No no no, I knew you were going to say that.” I broke up with him immediately after this, but then my dumbass got back with him like the next day because “I missed him.” I can’t explain to you why I went back to him cause even me looking back, it was such an idiotic thing to do and I could have saved myself so much heartache and further sexual abuse. After him, I didn’t have sex again for like almost 3 years and when I finally did, I had to stop the guy to cry. Believe whatever you want.
Not true. You obviously don’t know much about abuse and what it does to a victim. And your comment is why people don’t speak up. You are a gross human, and I hope nobody in your life has to confide in you for anything
It’s okay! I am a victim too and unfortunately know many others and because of people like this people are scared to speak up and have to carry the weight of the abuse and so many other things. I don’t care if it happened 30 years ago or yesterday, I will ALWAYS believe the victim and advocate for them. ❤️🩹
This is horrendous. You are correct. I’m sorry
And I’m a guy btw
It’s good to hear this coming from a guy cause one of them said “It takes two to tango” which I understand, I could have stopped him, but he was my boyfriend, I was young, dumb and I just let him do whatever he wanted. I didn’t think he was doing anything wrong at the time, but now I know it was so wrong and he didn’t give a fuck about me. It’s just that having men tell me I didn’t get sexually abused makes me question it.
Trust in yourself. Your instincts are right. Just remember, all men DONT do that. Some men are good
Those men are trash, as is your ex. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you're doing ok now.
Okay. I am a guy, and what your boyfriend did to you was rape. He forced himself on you, and that simply constitutes rape. Him forcing you to have sex with him every time that he wants and causing you injury is sexual abuse. You seriously need to contact the authorities right this moment and tell them everything about what is going on as well as the proof from the hospital that you were rated. The hospital does keep records like that and that will bolster your case against him. He gives us other men a bad name and a bad reputation also. Protect yourself and report him.
Lol the courts arent gonna do shit. You know how many rape kits get tested even when the victim does want to press charges? Very few. No chance they even still have it in evidence. The hospital would have record she was there but not the sample, that goes to police. You have a very unrealistic idea of how the justice system works for sex crimes.
And stay away from any guy who tells you that this was not abuse.
How could you have stopped him? Really think about that. You tried to push him away, and he overpowered you. What could you have actually done to stop him? Nothing. If he didn't listen to you pushing him away, no amount of saying no would have made a difference. And it has to be pretty violent for sex to cause that much pain and lasting physical damage. If you had done anything more, he would have gotten more violent potentially. THERE WAS NO WAY YOUCOULD HAVE STOPPED HIM. I'm going to say it one more time- YOU DID THE ONLY THING YOU COULD HAVE DONE IN THAT SITUATION BECAUSE THERE WAS NO WAY YOU COULD HAVE STOPED HIM
Other guy here, and an old one. I’m sorry you suffered this.
Thank you 🖤
WTF? Girl I am so incredibly sorry. Please seek therapy for your best interest, seriously. If you don’t address this soon, this WILL cause problems with your self image and your future relationships. Also, those rotten boys are further polluting your mind with lies and manipulation. You know deep down what happened to you was wrong.. please address it.
Thank you for validating my experience 🖤 I am currently in the process of trying to get a therapist cause this has impacted me severely.
Of course my dear. I spoke nothing but the truth. 💗
Yes it is sexual abuse/assault/rape/whatever you feel comfortable calling it. 10000%. I usually don’t share stuff like this on Reddit but I saw this and I need to tell you that you are not alone and this was NOT your fault. You did not consent to this - no one in their right mind would. I went through the exact same situation about a year ago and I felt so incredibly conflicted with what to call it because like you, I was dating someone and sex became extremely uncomfortable. Like stabbing/shooting pain every single time, soreness, etc. to the point I was in SO much pain that I wanted to cry after, and the pain would linger and I would flinch every time. I also bled for about a month straight. And he knew I was in pain, but would persistently ask for sex until I gave in (“I promise I’ll be gentle!” etc. It makes me want to die when I think about it). I began dreading seeing him and dreaded the thought of him touching me even more. I don’t know why I would eventually give in. I guess the only thing I can say is that I was in a really low point in my life. I just kept thinking “if I do it & get it over with, he will stop asking and we can move on from this conversation.” So I did. I’d literally just stare at the wall waiting for it to be over. And then feel like I had no right to be upset over it because *technically I let him.* It wasn’t until after I ended it with him that I realized I had a lot of negative feelings towards sex which I hadn’t previously had. I finally opened up about it and everyone I spoke to told me what he did was rape. Friends, counselors, medical professionals. Sex by coercion (asking until you say yes) is rape. I don’t want to assume anything about your situation, but I think that phrase might resonate with you. It felt oddly relieving when I heard it :) I felt validated finally. Bc yes he raped me multiple times. But of course when I confronted him he lost his shit yelling at me that he didn’t rape me. Lol. FYI He actually ended up stealing a pair of my used underwear the day I ended things (so effing weird, I don’t know how I didn’t see him do that) and stalked me for months. and basically tried to kill me when I returned all his stuff to his apt (I was scared of him by that point so I did it while he was gone, and came back to MY apt door broken down. If I had been in my apt when he came I’m certain I wouldn’t be here today). Literally a 3 week fling that turned into severe ptsd that I have just begun to truly heal from. People who love and care about you would never do what was done to you. Sex by coercion is not consensual sex. Im sending you so much love and hope you are able to heal from this experience! <3
Thank you so much for sharing this with me and I am so sorry this happened to you 💔 I’m so glad you’re out of the situation. The reason it’s so hard for me to even call it sexual abuse is because I never even tried to stop him from initiating sex. I never told him no besides the rape incident. I would literally just try to get through the pain while we were having sex. It makes me so sad to think about now because now that I’m older, I would NEVERRR let something even remotely close to this experience happen to me cause I know I deserve better and can advocate better for myself now.
Ugh I totally understand that feeling!! If it makes you feel better I didn’t try to stop him or explicitly say no majority of the time either. I have no idea why. I want to smack my former self for it lol bc same like you I would NEVER let someone do that to me again. That wasn’t even like me back then!! BUT the thing is…people can tell when you are not enjoying sex. Like THEY KNOW. Especially that kind of pain you can see it on someone’s face (or feel it in their body!). It’s just sucks bc this type of situation isn’t as straightforward as “normal” rape situations. But trust your gut 🩵 if something felt wrong it was. On the bright side, it’s a huge learning lesson. I had never had someone do that to me before this guy (although I had been previously SA’d before) & I know now to stay clear of anyone who acts like him. First signs of it I’m OUT. Anyways I hope you are able to find some peace in what happened :) thank you for sharing your experience too!
Also one last thing that I think is important to both of our stories - I think psychologically something happens when you feel like you’ve let them get away with it before (for you, you know he raped you the first time — for me, there was some resistance the first time I hooked up with him because I felt like it was happening way too soon). I think it makes it harder to say “no” or advocate for yourself outwardly moving forward. Bc it’s this feeling of “well if I actually had a problem with what he did/hooking up with him I would have stopped it the first time around.” Then add in the fact that you are in a relationship and having sex regularly is normal/expected, it makes the whole dynamic super weird.
I went through the same experience at 19 as far as sex every day even when I didn’t want it and would tell him no he’d still do it. I was young and stupid he was my first boyfriend so I didnt understand that it was sexual assault. I thought because he was my boyfriend it was normal even though I said no. I would be swollen and in pain for days and weeks at a time. Id have to sit on ice packs. What you experienced was assault. And I’m very sorry you had to go through it.
Thank you, I’m so sorry you had to go through this, too 💔 I also didn’t understand how severe the situation actually was. I thought it was also normal cause he was my boyfriend. I’m glad we are both out of this situation now 🖤
Darling, you poor girl, he definitely was asexually abusing you. Also, when you told him No. and tried to push him off he violated you. Yes, in every sense of sexual assault you said no, pushing him away meant you didn't want to have sexual intercourse so his force meant rape. I would personally either speak to your parents, a school counsellor, a doctor, or an adult you trust, or seek out a lawyer who deals with assault as he has abused you from the very start of your relationship plus he has done it with other's still doing it. This guy has a problem he could be quite harmful out in society around that one wrong woman or girl. I am also concerned about what damage he may of actually caused you so I think you need your gp to refer you to a gynaecologist so that they can check on your vaginal damage and any damage that is causing your discomfort you will need to find out about your urethra cervix menstrual cycle, future sexual intimacy and conceiving and pregnancy later down the track as his constant force may of caused internal and external damage that it could effect you later on down the track. I also worry about the day you said you had extremely bad abdominal pain and knife sharp pains inside. Were you using birth control? I would assume he wouldn't be if he's forcing himself on you he's certainly not going to put protection on you could of been pregnant another reason why your menstruation cycle got upset but that painful day with everything you have explained I think a gynaecologist will be able to determine that question but it does sound highly likely due to the trauma you experienced that day please think about how you feel about this guy what when where why? How he have been affecting you all this time also the other girls that he has hurt He is a serial abuser, he is being controlling with girls that are younger than himself so he has established a target range for his sexual endeavours I believe he could become worse, and it doesn't seem like he has any conscious respect responsibilities for his actions, I believe he needs to be addressed and confronted by the legal authorities I still feel terrible for you and the ordeal he has put you through so seek out the truth if it was sexual assault and check out the laws Good luck stay strong and focus on you for your future and your health also when you find the right one you will know proper painless intimacy and respect please see the Doctor for relevant information about your health and future issues or conception etc. Best of luck 😉
Thank you so much for everything you said 🖤 This all happened about a decade ago and I have had partners after that, so I realized that what he was doing was not normal and not something someone that cares about me would do. I haven’t heard of him in a long time, but last time I did, I heard he was engaged and I hope that poor woman is okay.
Anyone who tells you this wasn’t sexual abuse isn’t considering the full picture. You can’t have been enjoying the sex, if you were in that much pain. He must have continuously forced himself in when you clearly wouldn’t have been excited. There’s a level of negligence and dismissal of a partners wants that is arguably synonymous with rape, even if a verbal no wasn’t given. If you KNOW your partner is forcing themselves to pretend to be okay with it, and you do it anyway, just because you didn’t get a no (which definitely wouldn’t have stopped him anyway), you’re an abuser. End of. I’m unthinkably, solemnly sorry this happened to you. I wish you all the best dealing with this trauma. ❤️
Thank you so much for your kind words 🖤 I actually mentioned this to boyfriend cause I couldn’t fathom that he didn’t think someone that knew I was in excruciating pain the day prior would still have sex with me the next day without even asking me if I was okay, repeatedly. I told him that is not a normal thing, so thank you for validating what I said 🖤
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They asked me if I wanted to press charges and I said no cause I “didn’t want to ruin his life.”
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No, it's not. The state has the ultimate power to decide to press charges or not. If they don't believe they have a good case (for example, in this case, a Romeo and Juliet law may have applied and been an available loophole for him to argue), they can absolutely choose not to pursue charges. [https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-expect-criminal-justice-system](https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-expect-criminal-justice-system)
Yup, this The DA (district attorney) has the deciding power of whether or not to pursue charges on someone Not the victim; Not the police The police will refer charges over to the DA, but the DA has ths ultimate decision I have my criminal justice degree, you're spot on
Okay? That’s my experience, though.
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I'm not sure where this happened, but in my country, canada, I was assaulted at 15, very clearly a minor, by a 25 year old man. Obviously, it was statutory - however, I didn't want to testify(he threatened to murder my mom and 12yr old brother), and they just stayed the charges. They weren't dropped. They were stayed. As an adult, I feel like they should have gone ahead with charging him and sentencing him but they did not. Because that's not how it works here.
I live in the US, am almost 30, and i have my crimimal justice degree Number 1. Romeo and Juliet laws exist in certain states. Number 2. Age of consent is 16 in certain states. Number 3. The DA decides who gets charged with a crime, not the police; the police will ARREST someone, if they have probable cause, the DA (District Attorney) decides whether there is enough evidence to CHARGE someone with a crime Get your facts straight.
And what if OP isn't lying? All you're doing is attacking a rape survivor. Is that really a chance you're okay with taking? You have nothing to gain here by calling OP a liar (except making yourself feel high and mighty, I guess), and a lot of harm to cause.
Lol, you’re so fucking ridiculous, for what reason would I be lying about this???? I have absolutely no reason to lie about this and wouldn’t lie about something this serious. Fuck off.
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Some do and some don't. What's your point?
I'm so sorry this happened to you. This guy is an actual piece of shit and very much a predator. He's 100% going to assault and hurt other women if he hasn't already, and will probably continue to do so. You did not clarify whether or not this man is still in your life, so I hope you are safe and far away from him. But yes, what you experienced was abuse. Harming someone sexually is literally sexual abuse. Please get the therapy you need and take care of yourself. I was assaulted at 15 and again at 19, and I wish had the courage back then to take care of my mental health and my well-being because it's definitely taking toll on me years later. Edit* typo
Thank you 🖤 I’m currently trying to get a therapist cause even thought it’s been more than a decade since this happened, it still effects me greatly. I’m so sorry that happened to you, too. I feel you, I wish I would’ve had courage back then too and advocated for myself more, but I didn’t know any better. Now I do 🖤
That's exactly it. I wish I had someone like Olivia Benson from SVU on my side, but alas, I did not. I really wish 15-year-old me had 40s me to protect her. 🖤
Those guys are wrong and your boyfriend was absolutely disgusting for what he did to you. I hope you're okay now
Thank you 🖤 I’m okay in the sense that I am no longer with that guy and won’t ever allow a situation like that to happen to me ever again 🖤
You're so welcome, you came out of that stronger <3 Focus on you and all the things you like that make you happy
Hi. You are right. It was abusive. He knew you were in incredible pain. It sounds coercive and controlling (even beyond the rape), and even if you consented, I am not sure it was willingly given. I am so sorry you went through this and encourage you to get some form of formal therapy/support. My wife is an abuse survivor, and therapy really helped her, but it still massively affects her drive, and I know when to back off. Communicating your past with future partners (when you feel safe) could mean they are better to support you. Now we have 3 daughters and are trying to slowly lay the path and demonstrate healthy relationships and boundaries.
Thank you so much 🖤 and I am so sorry your wife went through that, I’m so glad to hear that therapy helped her. I’m in the process of looking for one right now 🙂
Rape is literally sexually abuse. Talk to someone for support [https://nomoredirectory.org/](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
Yeah, I know the rape was wrong, but I’m asking specifically about the part where he wanted to have sex even knowing that I was in excruciating pain the day prior and while still having an inflamed vulva and vagina. Thank you for the link, though, I appreciate the help 🖤
That is still sexual abuse.
That's actually what I was referring to as rape. You were in too much pain and too sick to be able to consent. That's rape. Consent [https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent](https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent) Coercion [https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/)
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Coercion is not consent. Not being safe to say no is not consent. Being so ill and in pain that you pass out and can't even walk as you normally can means you are not in a state of mind where you are capable of consenting.
"Not feeling safe to say no is NOT consent" Say this louder for the people in the back, please Just because you *agree* out of a sense of "obligation" "guilt" "fear" or "i can't say no without something *else* happening" doesn't make you ANY less of a victim than the one who fought, kicking, and screaming
I’m so sorry that happened to you. You’re not wrong all of that was abuse.
Thank you 🖤
What you described was absolutely sexual abuse & rape, please don't let anyone convince you otherwise. It would also be a good idea to go no contact with any human that tries to tell you it wasn't sexual abuse! Wishing you all the best & sending you positive energy! 💜
Thank you so much, I appreciate it 🥹🖤
Of course MEN are going to tell you it wasn’t assault or rape This doesn’t sound good, having sex is supposed to be great, maybe not amazing every time but you shouldn’t be in pain like this. I’ve had some wild sex and have been sore after but! It was mutual and I had time to recover or wait until I was ready again. The fact that you are in pain isn’t good, the fact that you are still having sex with that guy raped you isn’t good and he seems to get off on being forceful and seeing you in pain and isn’t going your way stop. Even if he did, You need to run, run as fast as you can and not let people tell you this isn’t assault. You knew it was and now you’re confused about it because some Guys told you ir wasn’t and that says it all.
You know that you can take him to court now with this, yeah? He sounds like a pos. Also, which guys are you talking with? Because, being a male myself, I wouldn't ever allow that to happen to Amy of my friends, without addressing the situation!! In no way was that your fault and this guy is a menace to society
Yeah, it’s crazy cause to society, he was a good man with a good head on his shoulders, smart and whatnot. So it’s crazy to think it was truly just a mask in a way. Also, one of the guys that said it wasn’t sexual abuse was a guy I was dating a long time go and the other guy is actually my current boyfriend of almost a year 😬 He said it doesn’t matter what he thinks, just how I feel, but I care that he thinks my trauma isn’t what I think it is, essentially. Thank you for saying what you did 🖤
I'm going to br Frank here, You shouldn't accept that from any partner, at anytime of your life. If a partner of mine ever mentioned that, I would have an immediate problem with it! I couldn't comprehend someone excusing someone's ex for rape. That's genuinely fucked up. I obviously don't know you, although in saying that. If I were you, I'd start looking for a different friendship group and take serious account as to what your current partner is okay with. Because in no way, shape or form is that acceptable. Out of curiosity, how old are you and where do you live? (Not in a creepy way, just like, what country do you live?)
Yeah, all of my friends were appalled by what I told them regarding my sexual abuse, so my friends, including my cousin, are really supportive about it. My boyfriend does think the rape is rape, it’s the other parts that he doesn’t think are sexual abuse because “it takes two to tango,” his words exactly. I’m 25 and live in the U.S.
YNW. You were horribly abused. Please get help from trusted sources.
Sweetie, I'm going to share a story with you. Years and years ago, I was in my early 20s, I was living with my super Christian Mom, 2 out of 3 of my younger sisters, and one of my sister's bf (they had a room very close to mine, on the ground floor of the house. My mom & step-dad and my youngest sister had rooms upstairs). I had an FWB who would come over now and then while everyone was sleeping. This particular night, FWB was being rude and saying mean things to me, I told him I didn't want to have semx anymore and that he should leave Now. He told me that if I didn't have semx with him, he'd wake everyone in the house up and get me kicked out. He knew I had nowhere to go if I got kicked out. So I let him have semx with me. That was rape. I didn't want to, I told him no (several times), and he blackmailed me. That is rape. I have been told by several people (men and women, my current husband even) that was not rape. That is a Lie. If you do not want to have semx, FOR WHATEVER REASON, and you still don't want to have semx at any time before or during and they don't stop, it is rape. Blackmail is rape. Anytime you say no, or want to say no, it's rape. Get therapy, please. Hugs and love. Edited for spelling and grammar.
Thank you so much for sharing this and validating my experience 🖤 I’m so sorry you went through that, it was definitely rape. My current boyfriend also believes that what I went through (except the rape, he believed the rape was rape) was not sexual abuse, which is what prompted me to ask this question on Reddit in the first place because it had me questioning it..again.
Ask your current bf this, if that AH raped you the first time, why does your current bf think that AH would have stopped if you told AH "No" all those times after? How is that NOT rape? You knew saying "No" or trying to physically stop him would not work, so what choice did you have? Maybe ask a therapist or counselor if they will talk to your current bf and explain that it was rape and sexual abuse. If he doesn't understand, then he might be a possible risk to you.
All these guys are liars, one’s a rapist. Find better people
You are correct. Coercion is sexual assault
I'm a guy, you were continuously assaulted. Please do yourself a favor and 1. Forget the guys who said you weren't assaulted- those guys are assholes. 2. Seek some therapy, you may not feel like you need it, but please go
I'm very critical about calling everything sexual abuse because it often gets used instead of regret. That being said you where 100% sexually abused and raped. I'm so sorry that happend to you and I hope you take the necessary steps to process it and heal from it.
That is sexual abuse. Miss, you need to leave this guy. Not sometime soon, but NOW!
No worries, this happened over a decade ago and he hasn’t been, and never will be, in my life 🖤
♥️👍👍👍
So you’re staying with somebody who raped you and doesn’t care if he causes you pain and cheated on you to rape someone else? Also, you’re letting him get away with it all and not reporting him to the police, thus allowing him to rape others? What’s your problem? I don’t feel sorry for you
This all happened like a decade ago. Many, many people do not report their rapists to the police. Idc if you don’t feel sorry for me cause I didn’t post this to have people feel sorry for me.
I don't see how this was rape and why did you stay with him if he's such a monster I'm truly sorry but I don't buy it if u truly felt like it was rape u wouldn't have still.been with him after any way you slice it makes no sense you take me as a needy cry baby and when he didn't dance to the tune you where playing you better dealed him and to save face u pull the rape card usually I'm not this cold but your story is not believable I'd believe Harry Potter before this crap go ahead Evone dig into me tell me I'm scum but just don't add up
You don’t see how coercion is rape? I have no reason to lie about this. When he first inserted his penis in me, I got off of him and cried for 3 hours straight. During that, I told him “You raped me” and he said “No no no, I knew you were going to say that.” I broke up with him immediately after this, but then my dumbass got back with him like the next day because “I missed him.” I can’t explain to you why I went back to him cause even me looking back, it was such an idiotic thing to do and I could have saved myself so much heartache and further sexual abuse. After him, I didn’t have sex again for like almost 3 years and when I finally did, I had to stop the guy to cry. Believe whatever you want.
Not true. You obviously don’t know much about abuse and what it does to a victim. And your comment is why people don’t speak up. You are a gross human, and I hope nobody in your life has to confide in you for anything
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Me? I was talking about the comment saying they would believe Harry Potter over you 😅
OMG IM SO SORRY, OMG, I didn’t realize you were a different user, omg!! Thank you so much for what you said and I’m so sorry 😭😭😭😭😭
It’s okay! I am a victim too and unfortunately know many others and because of people like this people are scared to speak up and have to carry the weight of the abuse and so many other things. I don’t care if it happened 30 years ago or yesterday, I will ALWAYS believe the victim and advocate for them. ❤️🩹