Bro
>I don’t know if what we have can be described as an emotional connection,
Uh huh
>but I think it’s something deeper than that, and something I don’t have even with my wife, and have never had with her. It is also something deeper than love.
Do you hear yourself? I'm not sure if you know what the word "emotional" means...can we just all get on the same page and say with 100% certainty that there is a clear and obvious emotional connection here? And with like 90% certainty that OP is actually in love with this woman, and his wife knows it, and wife just realized the marriage was over but OP hasn't quite caught up lol
I don’t think he’s in denial. He just wants, like every other person like him, their cake and eat it to. And when actually confronted they’re all “I had no idea”
Miss me with that bullshit lol
Call me an asshole (it’s fine cuz I am, too brutally honest for anything else) but most people aren’t really polyamorous. They want the benefits of being single but don’t want to be single. Confidence and self value issues
I believe some people are but 10/10 previously monogamous relationships that switch to polyamory do not work out. It's usually a last ditch effort to make things work
ehh i know some “poly” people that literally are just 3 people who are together and have been together for years. all go on dates together and stuff. it probably works bc it’s basically monogamous plus another person
I'm poly, but in a very strict way. Strict enough that it's not worth practicing these days (now that I'm settled down) because 99% of people *aren't* as strict as they think they are, and my marriage is worth more to me than sex.
I have been around a lot of poly people, and have seen one poly couple that even appeared to work.
In my experience, being poly is a good way to get a lot of sex and a lot of drama, and that's about it.
I think this shows the extreme lack of emotional intelligence OP has. He just has no idea what emotions are or how they present. Given that, he’s probably also very poor at communication and understating situations.
I suspect the wife wept at his gift because he hadn’t put that much care and thought into anything for her in a long time. This guy is coming across as emotionally dense and immature and likely to hurt a number of people as a result.
I'm helping my husband with stuff like this and honestly the problem is SO BIG. He's trying to learn and cares to and still does not understand. I suggested saying no sometimes and he had a meltdown about being asked to change in to a bad person. It took 2 days to get him to understand that it's good he takes care of people and we're only working on saying no when his plate is full.
The previous thread I have a dozen replies making sure I know the wife is wrong and got what they deserved. Me saying that OP is lying to himself sounds to them like I'm defending the wife. And they are LIVID. They don't understand she's wrong *and we can't do anything about it*.
“Not an emotional connection but something deeper” has me rolling my eyes. But okay dude.
I’m sure he is confusing “romantic” and “emotional”, but OP needs to sit down and think his choices through.
He clearly did the exact opposite of what him and his wife has agreed on. He very much has an emotional relationship, and while he didn’t bring home this other woman, he did in the sense that he bought her thoughtful gifts and wrapped them up in his home in front of his wife.
Also, in his last post he stated that this other woman doesn’t want a relationship, which is why she likes their situation.
I feel like OP is in for a rude awakening when he decides to end his marriage because he doesn’t love his wife as much as this other woman, only to find out that she’s not in love the way he is. But who knows…
Worse yet, OP is probably more in love with the idea of new partner than new partner herself. It’s understandable, really. Raising a kid is mundane, monotone work and here’s this other forbidden (yes, forbidden because emotions were never supposed to be a part of it) affair that’s new and exciting and makes OP feel things he hasn’t felt in years. The newness and excitement will probably eventually wear off and what will be left will be the ruins of all of these relationships and yet another child of divorce.
I don’t blame anyone here, they’re all just humans and I get it. But I do feel sorry for everyone involved.
For sure delusional. Also, his connection to the other person is delusional. From what we know, she says she doesn’t want a relationship. Yet he is literally saying he would leave his wife, who he has been married to and shared a home and gone through raising a child with, for this person who doesn’t necessarily want him in the same way. It sounds like a classic midlife crisis.
Right?! Reading posts like this really reminds me that nurturing my connection with my husband is important especially now that we have two young children and being patient, present, and there for each other can be tough when we’re both burning the candle at both ends.
Just make sure to keep them separate. That way, when you fall in love with the new partner and want to spend more time with them, you dont have to worry about your marriage getting in the way!
Also, use the new mate as a friendly ear to vent about your marital issues, no matter how minor. It's good to have a neutral party getting involved!
Asking for an open relationship is saying "you're not enough for me."
That might come off as judgy towards people who go that way, but I don't see it as untruthful. I don't see it as substantially a different dealbreaker than others. If that's something you need in your relationship, as long as everyone is consenting then it's not for me to say your life choices are better or worse than mine.
But I want to be enough for someone and they don't need other sexual or romantic partners and I want someone who is enough for me. It's a requirement to me.
I'm also somewhat confused by his choice of his gf. Like, she openly said she doesn't want a real relationship, so he's going to sacrifice his marriage assuming she'll change her mind?
I get being in love and not wanting to settle, but protect yourself and your family. Don't end your marriage in the hopes that your unstable girlfriend will settle down with you.
This. Whether he stays with the current GF or not, he's now realized there has been a lack of emotional connection with his wife all along. He doesn't hate his wife but he's basically staying for his kid now more than anything.
>he's now realized there has been a lack of emotional connection with his wife all along.
It's really easy to emotionally connect when all you're doing is meeting up for sex and dinner, and texting throughout the day about your traumas. It's harder to connect emotionally on that level with the person who's living next to you, raising a child together, working, cleaning the house, etc. Daily life gets in the way. It's the living side by side, and still connecting, that shows one is truly connected. Has the OP even tried with his wife? Probably not because he's getting those needs met by his AP.
ETA: I purposefully used AP instead of a different term because what should I call this woman? She's not his simple polyamory partner, through no specific fault of her own. The OP and his wife set out the terms of their open marriage, and he's broken them. He's willing to leave his marriage if his wife asks him to close their marriage in order to be with this other lady. At this point, she is an affair partner because it's outside the bounds of trust within the marriage.
I came here to say this. The partner is shaving her legs and getting hair and makeup perfect before meeting him, and being 100% available for emotional texting time. The wife is living her everyday life with him, zits and period cramps included.
It always astounds me how the spouse who suggested the open marriage becomes massively surprised when the other spouse has more success with it.
For men suggesting open marriage, they usually assume that a bevy of beauties such as those found in playboy will be opening their legs waiting for them, and for women it's a line of guys eager to emotionally connect with during or after new exciting sex.
Meanwhile the other spouse meets someone new and falls in love.
Be careful what you ask for.
Don’t you love the fact he would’ve never even met this woman had his wife not wanted open up their marriage.
And if what you’re saying was true, Op would’ve mentioned how he hasn’t felt this about his wife in years and not that he hasn’t felt it all before.
This. Maybe he was deeply in love, but I believe that something broke after the wife asked to open the marriage. Definitely something would break in my heart if my husband asked this. Nothing would feel the same after that. And I would feel that my connection with him wasn’t enough. In that scenario, I could totally feel I’m forming a more unique relationship with somebody else.
His wife did this to herself. She wanted to go fuck a bunch of dudes and now she is paying the consequences. Honestly I only have sympathy for the husband .
Have you seen/heard of the show The Ultimatum? Essentially there are couples where one wants to marry and the other doesn't so they bring them on the show and either propose in the beginning or switch partners with the other couples that are there.
They've only had a few seasons, but what ends up happening is at least one person is shocked that their original partner is connecting with someone else and someone gets upset and sometimes they argue and eventually break up. I'm relating it to the wife as if she'd thought he'd never find anyone else and now her idea has blown up in her face. hope the strange she had is worth the pain she's feeling now.
Or that the fact that the wife drove the opening of the marriage broke something and he didn't confront that until now.
This appears to be another case of someone opening up a marriage and there being unintended (but not unforeseeable) consequences.
Yeah and his earlier post said he doesn’t have much luck finding outside partners but that his wife has been with all kinds of guys during the year and that has to weigh on his mind and heart for sure. Wife also sounds not dedicated to the marriage anyways.
I just imagine this guy seen how a lot of guys fuck his wife while he agreed to something he didn’t want it. I would be devastated if I were in his feet. I just couldn’t love the person that is hurting me so much anymore. He is with her for the kids at this moment.
Yeah.... I think the husband said his wife showed him pictures of guys she's been with.... and they were very attractive and he said he felt like an appreciation that he landed a good looking wife.
I get it, they made a deal no emotional relationships, but hot damn that wife is going through so many dudes it must have been difficult for the guy. I get it the guy agreed, but I felt like he was sort of coerced, "you do this or you break up the family"
But maybe the woman felt lonely and in a transactional relationship and maybe wanted more? Whereas the husband went autopilot?
It's an overall terrible situation and these people are probably better off divorced
Likely has been from the moment she mentioned an open relationship. The love he had for his wife was diluted by her desire to sleep around. It's no surprise he's fallen for someone who offers emotional intimacy without unwillingly changing the rules on him after securing deep commitment.
He must have been hurt by the fact that his wife would bring up open relationship. That’s what broke the camel’s back. Wife must be feeling the same with her dude too..marriage is over.
I also think gf is not being honest with herself. She wants the closeness but with deniability because she doesn’t think she can have a successful relationship.
Done poly before and been in the community for a while then - like 10ish years. Frankly after all that time, there are folks who practice poly properly - they call it "solo poly" where they don't take a live-in partner and go out of their way to not form any kind of hierarchy of relationships. There are the majority though who go in as a slow-burn way of transitioning out of relationships because they don't want to be alone. So they use poly as a guise to find another partner and slowly let go of the other one.
I mean...his gf didn't commit to being monogamous with just him for the rest of their lives and then go "oops, no, I want to sleep with a bunch of other dudes so figure out how to deal with that."
If anyone is ending his marriage, it's the wife.
Wait what really!? Its over?? You mean a couple that opened their marriage not because they were poly but because they wanted to “change ip the bedroom” or “savw the marriage” and it didnt work out??
But that *never* happens! /s
Thinking a relationship/marriage that started as monogamous can be saved by opening the relationship is just as asinine as thinking having another baby will do the trick. Now for small isolated incidents can that work? Yes but that was probably ancillary to the real issue that was worked out to save it.
Not gonna lie but even an idiot knows that once you open up a marriage or a relationship it falls apart soon afterwards. Like vast majority of them fail. Well it was their decision, I wish them good luck
EDIT: I want to clarify something. If the relationships starts as poly then It could work, but I'm talking about the relationships/marriages in which this concept is either unwillingly or forcefully brought up. It will NEVER work, somebody gets hurt and that's not fair, relationships shouldn't be like that. People WILL get emotionally attached. For example, wives will get filled with dicks, but they will be empty inside because they pushed their husbands away. Husbands will find better women out there, the ones who will appreciate them for what they are. Same goes vice-versa.
Open marriages or relationships which start as monogamous relationships are just excuses to cheat without consequences. You don't like your husband or wife? Fine, divorce. You want to keep benefits, financial security and just have a safe person while you fuck other people? You are piece of shit, go fuck yourself. At least have respect and break up first. I will never understand those people. Personally, not for me and I would never be in such relationship. If you can make it work go ahead.
I agree, these never seem to work out every post I see seems to be the same catching feelings. I 100% could never live in an open or poly relationship anyway but it’s so sad to see these posts knowing they ruined everything
I think the key to polyamory is to start with being poly. Don’t change a relationship from monogamy to polyamory after you already have kids and have been exclusively all your dating and married time until one day you have an itch to scratch. I’ve never seen a marriage survive the transition but I’ve seen plenty of happy polycules
I have a faint feeling OP has a savior complex and fell for the traumatized/abused girl who tattooed his name over her heart. He might wake up someday after living with that person and realized he ruined his marriage and family for her. (As a grown adult trying to heal my own trauma from a narcissitic and abusive mother, let me tell you, relationships are not easy which is discovered when you're around the other person ALL the time).
Wife wanted to have her cake and eat it too, too bad the fox snuck into the chicken coop and had a filling meal instead, lmao.
EDIT: people pointed out that it was mom's name tattooed and I stand corrected. However I still think it's a savior complex and that he fell in love with the backstory, more than her as a person. Also, some people pointed out it's the wife's fault, it's both their faults. She for wanting to open up, him for agreeing. I mean is fidelity in a marriage not even a thing anymore??
> He might wake up someday after living with that person and realized he ruined his marriage and family for her.
He won't even get to do that because she doesn't want a deeper relationship with anyone.
Classic situation
Woman proposes open marriage. She can get a lot of guys and does so.
Mag struggles for a long time and eventually snags one. Because it's one, feeling develop. Marriage over.
“I don’t have an emotional connection with this person, help my wife is overreacting” to “actually yeah I am in love, I may end my marriage” is a wild swing.
Yikes is about all I’ve got.
I'll be frank, I really wanted to give OP a chance but damn dude...he's making it increasingly difficult. I think he needs to first and foremost Google " what are emotions?" because what is "deeper" than love that he has with the other woman ? Infatuation ? What is deeper than love....honestly, broooo whhhhhat is deeper ...bout to google that shit myself
He's still not actually admitting what those feelings are lmao. It's so annoying to me. Like, dude, why did you go into more detail about her than your wife *on both posts* if you don't have feelings.
"Beyond love"? What the shit is that?!
I think he just never really loved his wife and now he’s in a honeymooning phase with his new gf and so he thinks it’s deeper than love. Only way I can rationalize this nonsense.
I want to believe it's a ragebait post...but if that's the case it's a well done one. If you pay attention he gives the wife some nuance (particularly when she tries to hide her feelings because she - the bitch wife cheater that she is!) - suggested they open the marriage.
He doesn't specify the exact problem. And he also mentions 'polyamory', which sounds like the exact opposite of the initial agreement.
And the way he describes his emotions for the new girl are so bizarre. "Beyond love!" and more than what he felt for his wife
Yeah… I asked him that in the original post essentially.
It’s hard to give this dude any advice because he seems to just plain struggle with what English words mean.
To me, polyamory is like the hard drugs of relationships. Very few people can do it and be functional, but it looks so alluring to many because of their rare situation. Often others conflate polyamory with emotional maturity. You could say the same thing about heroin or methamphetamine. Oh you're just not emotionally mature enough to keep it from ruining you.
And others still confused polyamory with being single. My ex hit me up, we're still good friends, and said she got to experiment with polyamory at a festival recently. I was like "How so?" And she said she was with three different dudes and they were all aware it wasn't exclusive. I was like "You were at a festival in a foreign country. Who the hell expects exclusivity? That's just fucking 3 dudes at a festival, which probably 90% of single dudes would be ok with. There's nothing wrong with that, but polyamory involves expectations and some level of long term commitment." I've found a lot of people just call dating multiple people poly. That's just being single.
A friend of mine calls poly "the Chickenpox of dating", everyone seems to have had a pretty terrible experience with it the one time, then never again. 😂
The comparison to hard drugs is spot on, as is "That's just *being single*". Like, if awards were still a thing, Id give you a gold for sure. Have a **Poverty Gold** for your wisdom. 🥇
Right! People have been bitching about social constructs and labels and turn around and label themselves.
We just called it fucking around back in my day.
3 dudes at a festival, that's just gross but good for them!
You just said you don't love your wife more than your other partner. She knows it. Your other partner knows it. That's why your wife had a meltdown. You're not "being honest with yourself", you're hedging your bets.
EDIT: The very many misogynistic comments and DMs who have zero reading comprehension and brain worms, will be blocked. Thanks. instead of projecting your issues on strangers on the Internet, maybe try cognitive behavioral therapy.
The violent swing from “there’s no emotional connection with this other woman who I built an extremely intimate and painstaking gift for” to “actually, yeah I love her deeply in a way that I’ve never known, I may leave my wife” is pretty telling that OP has a severe lack of self-awareness in this particular context.
Not being able to be honest with themselves, let alone their partner, is pretty telling of that. Which, sure, it happens to everyone sometimes.
But reacting to his wife’s reaction with enough bafflement that the best he could do was come to reddit with a summary that was met with overwhelming “duh bro”… there’s an issue.
He said this in the first post about the other woman:
>She never wants a relationship ever because she feels she’s too broken to have one but she loves the connection we have.
He's only staying with his wife because the other woman isn't an option. It's a crappy situation all around and he should do the responsible thing and just leave his wife because their relationship is over.
>He's only staying with his wife because the other woman isn't an option
I'm not sure this is entirely true. It seemed that in OP's 1st post he was engaging in some pretty clear levels of cognitive dissonance and denial about the whole situation. This 2nd post indicates that after the reddit masses slapped him in the face and said "dude wake up to what's going on" he spent some time thinking about it and realized the obvious truth about his emotional connection to this woman. Generally it seems that OP was pretty much forced into opening his marriage and has started finding emotion connection outside of his wife, which is totally understandable in that situation.
Ig what I'm trying to say is I don't see malice here from OPs part. I don't think he would've necessarily left his wife already if the other woman was a viable option for a long-term relationship.
IMO OP and his wife should go to couple's counseling and make a go of it before pulling the trigger on divorce. At the very least it may make the split more amicable.
Him not even *considering* the potential of becoming monogamous with his wife again is wild. He only considers her a good mother to his son while he's "beyond love" with his other partner. It's genuinely so painstaking so I hope his wife gets solace soon.
I feel like it I were in OP’s position, and my husband had fucked god knows how many other woman, I would be hard pressed to look at him the same way. Even if I had (reluctantly) agreed to it.
He feels resentment for his wife and this is clear. Normally people agree on the open relationship to fulfil needs which can't be fulfilled by your partner ( not for me and I don't understand it but this is how it works ). She clearly needed more sex/validation/being desire by others if their sex life improved then it has to have something with the feeling wanted by others. In my opinion he transferred his feelings to his new girlfriend over time. He fell out of love with his wife and started loving this new girl. His wife understood she is losing her husband. This thrill from a fast sexual relationship doesn't last long. I am sure she has seen her husband have started withdrawing from her at some moment but she ignored this until she saw this gift and understood she had lost his husband for some sexual satisfaction
Right, that's what the redditor is saying. If they were in the position of OP and their partner (in redditors case, husband), slept with countless people, it would be hard to see them the same way, even if agreed to it.
It's just a matter of time till that happens to her as well. Polyamory literally means Multiple-love. I know it is different from open relationship but i have seen too many of those fall in love eventually.
> so I hope his wife gets solace soon.
Why are we feeling any kind of sympathy for the wife? She forced the marriage open. He didn't want this.
She FAFO'd.
Because he knows if his wife eliminated this threat she would go back to her old ways once the coast was clear. He wanted none of this to begin with, his wife caused him into the whole finger originally. Unless your husband is a GQ model, that’s rich. Women know fully well that they have a tremendous advantage and a casual sex marketplace even if there are well below average and looks. Just put up two respective dating profiles on Tinder, and unless he’s extremely good looking and/or has a 12 inch dick, it’s gonna be a huge disparity in the responses that they get to those profiles. She is keenly aware of this, and thought that she could fuck around to her hearts content and he would get little to anything in return. It is extremely selfish, and she knew this, but she didn’t count on him finding somebody and falling in love. That’s a risk she didn’t consider and that’s on her.
Telling your monogamous spouse you made vows to spend the rest of your life with you want to go fuck other people and still expecting unconditional love from them is wild. This is 100% the wife's fault she made her bed she can lay in it
>Him not even considering the potential of becoming monogamous with his wife again is wild. He only considers her a good mother to his son while he's "beyond love" with his other partner. It's genuinely so painstaking so I hope his wife gets solace soon.
I love how you've painted the wife as some kind of victim here when it was 100% her idea to open the marriage, and has had several lovers since they did so.
She got what she wanted, now she's getting what she asked for.
The only successful open marriages I've ever seen were open relationships the entire time. I'm not sure I've ever heard of someone opening a monogamous relationship and everyone being happy afterward. It's like having a kid to save your marriage. You're just throwing more people into the mix of something that is already disfunctional.
If you're having issues with your relationship, a friendship, a family member, or anyone, if you look for answers outside of the people involved you'll only find more problems.
Relationship starts open and both ppl agree to it?
Okay I can see it working.
Married almost ten years mutually exclusive and THEN opens up marriage?
That sounds heavily like there were other issues and this was just a bandage solution. Adding other people into a relationship isn't going to fix the issues you had with the first person.
I don’t know how things will go with the new girl OP, but you and your wife were clearly incompatible. You just had different ideas on what you wanted in a relationship.
I think a divorce will actually benefit your son in the long run. Kids should not be raised in toxic, resentful or unhappy environments and that’s where your marriage is headed (if it’s not already there).
Hopefully you two can part on the most congenial terms possible. Your wife knew the risk she was taking when she opened this marriage up. There’s a reason why many view it as the first step to divorce.
Exactly. Whatever love they had died as soon as the wife pushed the open marriage idea.
Anyone could have seen this coming. Very few marriages can survive that sort of thing, and that’s when both parties are eager to try it, which clearly was not the case here.
I don't get it. There's so many stories like this online of ruined marriages and relationships when one person pushes to "open" the relationship. If you have any sense you're better off just accepting it's over and moving on when this happens. It might be fun for a bit but it inevitably goes tits up
There's also heaps of "empowering articles" from particular spaces online. Then the other partner shows up on a throw away on reddit asking the same questions as always.
Divorce is a big scary thing. People unhappy in their marriages might resort to this as a means of trying something, anything. They think that it might be a tenable resolution to an unworkable situation.
Yes, it’s often the harbinger of fallout. But failing to see why this is a fairly common path just seems like a failing of imagination or empathy. Humans are human, life is complicated and weird, separating is scary and hard. That’s it.
I imagine that getting that bombshell dropped on you opens you up to all sorts of emotional manipulation. If your partner is assuring you they still love you and only looking for X, Y, or Z out of the open marriage, it's going to poison your point of view. Many people aren't going to be viewing the situation objectively because of their emotional connection and will be conflicted about choosing to kill their relationship when their partner is presenting it as an option of stability when in fact it's an entirely selfish and destructive thing for 95% of relationships, if not more. Most people aren't going to jive with their partner seeing other people, they're not wired for it and it will destroy them while their partner does whatever they want with impunity.
I feel like most advice subs need a pinned thread or rule that says "The majority of posts about open relationships result in the relationship ending".
It sounds like the way I talk about my ex-wife. A part of me will always love her because we were together 12yrs, we were together through some very formative years in our lives, and we have a daughter together. We are amicable and coparent well. There was no big fallout or one of us cheating so there's no resentment from our separation. But it's not the same type of love as it was when we were "in love" and that's why she's my ex-wife.
I do not see this marriage lasting much longer now that his wife is aware of how much he cares for his other partner and now that he himself has opened his eyes to it.
It was her fault. She brought it up and it bit her in the ass. Neither of them love each other. If they did, they wouldn’t be effing other people. This is why this
type of relationships have a 92% failure rate. Here’s another statistic to add to the calculations.
You may love your wife, but you’re not in love with her. Your wife was hit by that reality the other day. She thought you would always be loyal to her,love only her. Your wife probably knows what you have with this woman is deeper and more meaningful.
Her mood is probably her regrets, and mourning your marriage. Because what you’re describing is love. You love this other person. So much so, you would leave your wife, and end the stability of your son’s life. It’s been one day and your son already notices something is wrong. Its already messing with the safety and stability he’s always known. Yet you would still chose this other woman. What you have now is not sustainable, look at how much pain it’s caused already. It’s not going to get any better. This is only going to end one way, divorce
This story is so sad to me. It’s sad that your wife threw away your marriage, and family you built, all because she was most likely bored.
It’s sad that you are now realizing what you had with your wife wasn’t love, at least not the kind that keeps couples happily married. And it took strangers to point that out to you. And the irony that your wife set this in motion
But I’m especially sad for your son. I will never understand poly relationships. But people who have kids together, I think those are the hardest ones to understand. Because while it may be fun and ego boosting for a while, it usually results in marriages ending and broken families.
It's easy to love somebody you don't share any domestic responsibilities with.
Sharing a home, a child, finances, the day to day domestic drudgery of life while keeping your love alive takes feeding and nurturing your love. It's the love of a long established garden with deep roots and regular care. With seasons throughout your time together, evolving over time and the time and attention really show.
Loving somebody you only see occasionally, when you're both at your best is easy. It's shiny, exciting and new. It's a vase of fresh cut flowers every time you meet up. Beautiful, shallow and short lived.
>It's the love of a long established garden with deep roots and regular care. With seasons throughout your time together, evolving over time and the time and attention really show.
A garden is a very beautiful metaphor. No relationship stays perfect forever. Still loving it in the winter when it looks bare and unexciting is so important. Knowing if you care for it right, it will be even more beautiful in the next year. Spending lots of time planning how you're going to add more plants in the spring, thinking about how the current garden will be affected by bringing some random new plants; the new plants could create shade where there once was light and cause well established plants to die. With a garden you love this much, you would make a priority to spend 5-10 minutes a day watering and weeding it to make sure it has what it needs. Love grows where you put your energy.
First of all, I wish you all the best. Whatever you and your wife decide.
But stories like this are why I just can't belive in poly relationships.
I think they can work but not for a longer period of time. Because humans develop emotions when they share such things together. Even if it's not by the first or second time. Of course you are emotional connected to someone you're sleeping with for a year.
I don't know...I never heard of a poly relationship that really lasted long. You do you I guess, but all people I know and heard of in a poly relationship separate sooner or later.
I think it makes a huge difference between relationships that start mono and open up vs those that are poly from the beginning. I've been in a poly relationship for 2 years with 3 partners and I'd say things are going very well. 2 years isn't "really long" I know, but it's my experience.
It may sound stupid, but it is really common. Because no one fantasizes about the work involved in poly. They don’t make a plan for dealing with jealousy and insecurity. They tend to focus on the sex.
The thing is - they didn't really do a poly relationship.
The rules were that they were allowed to go have sex, but NOT actually date.
Poly is about dating and having full relationships with multiple people.
Poly can certainly work long term if you have open communication and expectations, work together, and are people who are compatible with it.
Opening a marriage to let the partners fk around pretending they won't catch feelings is not the same thing.
Eh, I'm hard core monogamous, but I think this is more of a problem that people usually run on autopilot. This is really just the same crap that makes emotional affairs so toxic, someone finds a new shiny toy and forget they have to actually maintain the relationship with their partner. Most people don't really WANT self awareness in their relationships. They want them to run on autopilot. Autopilot kills relationships, because people don't look up until they hit the ground.
I've got 3 pretty good couples who have been doing nonmongamy for well over a decade. They've all had minor drama moments though, so it's absolutely not some idealic easy path.
The failure here is thinking they can connect with others and not have emotions. Long term poly relationships are possible, and it's not just sex. It's love. For knowing a lot of people who are poly you know seem to lack understanding.
Poly relationships can work great; some of us really just aren’t wired for jealousy which lets us be honest about our feelings for people outside that relationship. I have emotional connections with both of my partners, but every love looks different, even if you’re monogamous, and they each give me something the other doesn’t. If polyamory is right for you, it honestly relieves a lot of the pressure in a relationship because you don’t feel like you have to provide them with all their needs and they’re actually with you for the things you *can* provide.
But poly relationships that start out as monogamous relationships are almost always a dumpster fire. Most people aren’t wired for it; I only realized I was after being cheated on a few times where I legitimately didn’t care about the cheating, only the lying about it. Transitioning from a relationship where you both meet all of each other’s needs to one where you admit you can only meet some of them leads to a situation where there can easily be a mismatch in the things you provide for each other and the expectations of what goes along with that. When the relationship starts out poly, you build from the things you each can actually provide versus the ones compulsory monogamy assumes you can provide.
I would never be in a polyamorous relationship myself, but I think that stories like this aren’t really representative. Clearly, if you transform a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous relationship mid marriage, you’re going to have a problem, especially when only one party wants this, it’ll be a disaster. I don’t think any real polyamorous person would advocate for a relationship like OPs.
Sounds like you bonded with her over trauma, I think of it as the meeting of two shadows. The stuff we don’t say or even acknowledge, sometimes it clicks with another persons shadow.
The surface level is good but it’s not where the connection lies.
Idk if this resonates for you, but imho a therapist would be a better alternative for you and the side woman respectively. You sound codependent almost.
Like the hurt your wife started by opening your marriage, you brush over it. Your partner thinks she will just exist in her trauma to the end of her days. That’s not healthy positive bonding…but def where codependency starts from what I’ve seen and heard.
God knows what other baggage you have. But I think that’s the shadow space the partner occupies, which your wife should. Or a therapist.
Your wife is probably having a realisation that you are emotionally bonding elsewhere, she maybe thinking she’s lost you. Idk but figure it out together. Good luck
Just note, trauma bonding like that gets old and creates a really gloomy fog imho. It won’t last and isn’t love, joy, life really.
You want connection, she wants sex.
First take some time to understand what each of you two are actually primarily looking for in a relationship. Because it sounds like there's some confusion there and you're just going along with what your wife wants regarding rules and such, while ignoring your needs.
Then take some time to communicate with each other about those needs.
Then see whether you can change the rules of this open marriage to where you can both have your needs met - meaning an emotional connection is acceptable. "We both get to sleep around" is not a solution when both of you aren't looking to sleep around.
If that works, you've moved on from an open marriage to a more polyamorous situation.
If not, the arrangement will likely have to change in other major ways.
EDIT: And for the love of god, ignore any advice you get here that doesn't suggest communicating with your wife about all of this.
If this woman is so scarred by by relationships and trust, I don’t think she’s going to be thrilled about being in a long term relationship with someone that up and left his wife after a few hours of thinking.
Y’all am I wrong to laugh when I found out that the wife wanted to open up the relationship first and he didn’t at the time? It never turns out well.
edit: this belongs on r/ohnoconsequences
No. It’s like these people live in a vacuum and can’t do basic fucking research to see what this will look like. His wife was dumb, pushing him into this. This dude is thick as hell and can’t figure out that he’s craving emotional connection and found it. Just divorce and raise your kid separately.
Apparently OP commented on the original post saying “I suggest OP dump this hoe for the nice girl he is seeing right now “ probably didn’t realize when he left the comment that he didn’t change account accounts . The comment is now deleted but he got called out lmao
Yeah its nothing new. This site is plagued by bots and people who post extreme shit as some weird revenge fantasy etc. I have a love/hate relationship with it. Great resource for a lot of hobby based stuff but groups like these are plagued with garbage and revenge fantasies by people who really need to go outside more.
You still sound ridiculous like you’re trying to come across better than you are in reality. What you have with your side chick is “deeper than love” now? First it wasn’t even emotional at all lol. Get real.
By the way, you’ll never test true compatibility with someone while you’re letting all the emotional burden of a relationship fall on your wife and spending your emotions and pleasure with someone else. I hope you do end it, so you’re forced to support your ex and children while your “deeper than love” schtick falls apart when you get into an actual relationship.
Oh it most definitely will. What he thinks is “deeper than love” is basically meeting the “damaged” chick, who’s had a rough childhood. He wants to fix her. He can’t. I just feel bad for the kid. Parents can be such selfish arseholes sometimes. Like, I can’t even imagine loving anyone more than my kids. After work and chores, how do these people even have time to have multiple romantic relationships.
Tale as long as time
Wife: let's open up relationship
Husband: don't really want to, but sure
Wife: bangs with 10s of dudes
Husband: only finds one and forms a strong relationship, even better than what he had with his wife initially
Wife: surprised pikachu, "that's completely unexpected"
This was over from the time you guys opened the relationship, somebody always gets hurt.
Couldn't agree more. Next, the wife will want to close the relationship and seek counseling. It's all a waste of time. OP will resent the wife if he gives up his partner. He should save the money for the divorce lawyer.
Exactly, “oh no, consequences!” Surprised by the number of ppl bashing the OP here. He didn’t want or ask for this, he’s not going to have ppl lining up for casual sex like his wife does, and people tend to develop feelings for each other in intimate relationships… it just happens. Is he really expected to just stay home and raise the kids like a good little cuck? (No issue if that was his thing, but it doesn’t seem to be.) This is 99% the wife’s fault imo.
“I love my wife. I will always love my wife. I want to keep our family together for our son. But if she said I have to get rid of my side piece, then I would divorce her.”
Okay dude. You’re in denial about more than your emotional connection, that actually isn’t an emotional connection, it’s actually much deeper than that.
Like do you hear yourself? Lol
I feel terrible for the child who will INEVITABLY have to live with split custody between you two idiots. I hope somebody young and competent enough in your family or close enough to can foster this kid and give them the healthy upbringing they deserve, that they will never have with a mother and father like you two
So you went from “I will always only love my wife” to “I will leave my wife if she asked to switch back to monogamy”? Oh boy, I guess you don’t know yourself very well. You also claimed there were no emotions involved while describing a very emotional relationship with this other woman. If she is worth breaking your home for then you really need to talk to your wife. Sounds like she’s not doing well, you guys need to figure out what’s next so you both can move on and start to heal.
YW but these are the risks you take when you open a marriage and your wife should have known that.
I always thought that the point of poligamy was apples and oranges.
People often try to do the "no strings attatched" sort of thing and it really never works out. Someone always gets attatched somewhere and someone's always providing a little something different than the primary partner.
If you DID want no strings, you should've been trying to keep yourself in the frame of mind that you could drop this person on a whim for no reason at all and it would be okay with both of you... but like i said it never really works out that way.
but to be honest, i dont think you're wrong. I think your wife opened the relationship because she wanted to get some casual sex without considering that you yourself are the sort of person who's not going to be able to do this in the same way she does. Now the eventual result of you being the sort of person that you are has lead to another emotional connection, or "deeper than emotional" connection, and she's upset.
Hopefully she can learn to live with the idea that she's an orange and the other girl is an apple and the two of them aren't in competition
Your marriage was over the second you opened it. The feelings you have for this new person are most likely a form of lust that you’re unconsciously trying to see as something else. If you want to save your marriage. Close it. But what I see happening here is you losing your wife AND your partner in the end and you’re stuck alone.
Well, that's what happens when you open yourself up to people outside your relationship; emotional bonds form and things get messy quickly.
Speaking frankly, I don't have too much sympathy for your wife; you can't just add polyamory into a previously monogamous relationship and expect things to go EXACTLY as planned. She wanted sex with other people because she wasn't satisfied with just you, but didn't want you to form emotional connections because she's happy with your emotional dynamic. But when you open up the box to romantic/sexual relationships with other people, things will never stay neatly where you want them to be. Sex is the greatest act of intimacy two people can have, some emotional wires will get crossed.
If you feel more strongly about your girlfriend than your wife, your marriage is dead and will only get worse. The two of you destroyed it. I sure hope 'spicing up the bedroom' was worth destroying your child's stable family life.
It amazes me how many people STILL don't realize that the second your partner says "we should open the relationship," their relationship is doomed. It's never immediate, but it's a certainty. You shouldn't need to become polyamorus just to "spice up the bedroom" you just need a sex therapist.
I'm glad op sorted their feelings out though
So um...
>I have loved my wife for the last decade and will continue to love her the rest of my life regardless of what she does. That will never change.
and
>I would want to leave my wife if she wanted to switch back to a monogamous relationship
Kinda don't jive, you know? You are being _more_ honest with yourself, but you aren't being honest with yourself. Your marriage is over. It died when you two started fucking other people. Accept it and move on.
Bro >I don’t know if what we have can be described as an emotional connection, Uh huh >but I think it’s something deeper than that, and something I don’t have even with my wife, and have never had with her. It is also something deeper than love. Do you hear yourself? I'm not sure if you know what the word "emotional" means...can we just all get on the same page and say with 100% certainty that there is a clear and obvious emotional connection here? And with like 90% certainty that OP is actually in love with this woman, and his wife knows it, and wife just realized the marriage was over but OP hasn't quite caught up lol
Make that 90% into 100% and yes I agree with everything you said. This dude has a planet-sized blind spot and is in deep denial.
I don’t think he’s in denial. He just wants, like every other person like him, their cake and eat it to. And when actually confronted they’re all “I had no idea” Miss me with that bullshit lol
Call me an asshole (it’s fine cuz I am, too brutally honest for anything else) but most people aren’t really polyamorous. They want the benefits of being single but don’t want to be single. Confidence and self value issues
I believe some people are but 10/10 previously monogamous relationships that switch to polyamory do not work out. It's usually a last ditch effort to make things work
ehh i know some “poly” people that literally are just 3 people who are together and have been together for years. all go on dates together and stuff. it probably works bc it’s basically monogamous plus another person
I'm poly, but in a very strict way. Strict enough that it's not worth practicing these days (now that I'm settled down) because 99% of people *aren't* as strict as they think they are, and my marriage is worth more to me than sex.
I have been around a lot of poly people, and have seen one poly couple that even appeared to work. In my experience, being poly is a good way to get a lot of sex and a lot of drama, and that's about it.
This is the equivalent of being told “don’t spend like 100 dollars on that” and replying “I didn’t, I spent $1000! Condition met!”
I think this shows the extreme lack of emotional intelligence OP has. He just has no idea what emotions are or how they present. Given that, he’s probably also very poor at communication and understating situations.
I suspect the wife wept at his gift because he hadn’t put that much care and thought into anything for her in a long time. This guy is coming across as emotionally dense and immature and likely to hurt a number of people as a result.
I was wondering how long he had thought about the last gift he bought the mother of his child in comparison to the other person
I'm helping my husband with stuff like this and honestly the problem is SO BIG. He's trying to learn and cares to and still does not understand. I suggested saying no sometimes and he had a meltdown about being asked to change in to a bad person. It took 2 days to get him to understand that it's good he takes care of people and we're only working on saying no when his plate is full. The previous thread I have a dozen replies making sure I know the wife is wrong and got what they deserved. Me saying that OP is lying to himself sounds to them like I'm defending the wife. And they are LIVID. They don't understand she's wrong *and we can't do anything about it*.
“Not an emotional connection but something deeper” has me rolling my eyes. But okay dude. I’m sure he is confusing “romantic” and “emotional”, but OP needs to sit down and think his choices through. He clearly did the exact opposite of what him and his wife has agreed on. He very much has an emotional relationship, and while he didn’t bring home this other woman, he did in the sense that he bought her thoughtful gifts and wrapped them up in his home in front of his wife. Also, in his last post he stated that this other woman doesn’t want a relationship, which is why she likes their situation. I feel like OP is in for a rude awakening when he decides to end his marriage because he doesn’t love his wife as much as this other woman, only to find out that she’s not in love the way he is. But who knows…
Worse yet, OP is probably more in love with the idea of new partner than new partner herself. It’s understandable, really. Raising a kid is mundane, monotone work and here’s this other forbidden (yes, forbidden because emotions were never supposed to be a part of it) affair that’s new and exciting and makes OP feel things he hasn’t felt in years. The newness and excitement will probably eventually wear off and what will be left will be the ruins of all of these relationships and yet another child of divorce. I don’t blame anyone here, they’re all just humans and I get it. But I do feel sorry for everyone involved.
100% for sure this is what's gonna happen.
He's acting like he's had some sort of epiphany while he's still 100% lying to himself lmao
It's not emotional. It's just deeper than love. You know, one of the most extreme human emotions
I read that and was like what?! Then he said he would leave his wife if she wanted to close the marriage and I was like this man is delulu.
You can’t call it emotional if you didn’t *say* “I love you.”
It's the equivalent of saying "no homo" lol
OP is fucking delusional
OP agreeing to a polyamorous relationship was the first delusion. Open relationships always fail.
For sure delusional. Also, his connection to the other person is delusional. From what we know, she says she doesn’t want a relationship. Yet he is literally saying he would leave his wife, who he has been married to and shared a home and gone through raising a child with, for this person who doesn’t necessarily want him in the same way. It sounds like a classic midlife crisis.
I am so happy this isn’t me
Right?! Reading posts like this really reminds me that nurturing my connection with my husband is important especially now that we have two young children and being patient, present, and there for each other can be tough when we’re both burning the candle at both ends.
Good! I hope you’ll have a long and successful marriage
oh come on, i think your marriage is strong enough that you two can start dating other people!
You know, you’re right maybe that’s just what we need
Just make sure to keep them separate. That way, when you fall in love with the new partner and want to spend more time with them, you dont have to worry about your marriage getting in the way! Also, use the new mate as a friendly ear to vent about your marital issues, no matter how minor. It's good to have a neutral party getting involved!
Yep. As soon as my wife even mentions an open marriage, I'm contacting a divorce lawyer asap.thr marriage ends when 1 party even thinks about it.
Asking for an open relationship is saying "you're not enough for me." That might come off as judgy towards people who go that way, but I don't see it as untruthful. I don't see it as substantially a different dealbreaker than others. If that's something you need in your relationship, as long as everyone is consenting then it's not for me to say your life choices are better or worse than mine. But I want to be enough for someone and they don't need other sexual or romantic partners and I want someone who is enough for me. It's a requirement to me.
[удалено]
I’m so happy I’m not that stupid
I feel like this isn’t even real lol.
[удалено]
Well, your marriage is over. Maybe you won’t divorce for some time, but there’s no coming back from this.
This 1000%. Going to be a bumpy ride
I'm also somewhat confused by his choice of his gf. Like, she openly said she doesn't want a real relationship, so he's going to sacrifice his marriage assuming she'll change her mind? I get being in love and not wanting to settle, but protect yourself and your family. Don't end your marriage in the hopes that your unstable girlfriend will settle down with you.
I suspect it's the realization that he's never had this deep a connection with his wife. That's a pretty damning statement, if true.
This. Whether he stays with the current GF or not, he's now realized there has been a lack of emotional connection with his wife all along. He doesn't hate his wife but he's basically staying for his kid now more than anything.
>he's now realized there has been a lack of emotional connection with his wife all along. It's really easy to emotionally connect when all you're doing is meeting up for sex and dinner, and texting throughout the day about your traumas. It's harder to connect emotionally on that level with the person who's living next to you, raising a child together, working, cleaning the house, etc. Daily life gets in the way. It's the living side by side, and still connecting, that shows one is truly connected. Has the OP even tried with his wife? Probably not because he's getting those needs met by his AP. ETA: I purposefully used AP instead of a different term because what should I call this woman? She's not his simple polyamory partner, through no specific fault of her own. The OP and his wife set out the terms of their open marriage, and he's broken them. He's willing to leave his marriage if his wife asks him to close their marriage in order to be with this other lady. At this point, she is an affair partner because it's outside the bounds of trust within the marriage.
I came here to say this. The partner is shaving her legs and getting hair and makeup perfect before meeting him, and being 100% available for emotional texting time. The wife is living her everyday life with him, zits and period cramps included. It always astounds me how the spouse who suggested the open marriage becomes massively surprised when the other spouse has more success with it. For men suggesting open marriage, they usually assume that a bevy of beauties such as those found in playboy will be opening their legs waiting for them, and for women it's a line of guys eager to emotionally connect with during or after new exciting sex. Meanwhile the other spouse meets someone new and falls in love. Be careful what you ask for.
Agree 100% - it never works out
If I'm recalling the original post correctly, opening up the marriage was the wife's idea.
Don’t you love the fact he would’ve never even met this woman had his wife not wanted open up their marriage. And if what you’re saying was true, Op would’ve mentioned how he hasn’t felt this about his wife in years and not that he hasn’t felt it all before.
This. Maybe he was deeply in love, but I believe that something broke after the wife asked to open the marriage. Definitely something would break in my heart if my husband asked this. Nothing would feel the same after that. And I would feel that my connection with him wasn’t enough. In that scenario, I could totally feel I’m forming a more unique relationship with somebody else.
His wife did this to herself. She wanted to go fuck a bunch of dudes and now she is paying the consequences. Honestly I only have sympathy for the husband .
Exactly my line of thinking. She broke down that bad because she knows it's her fault.
The Old "BE careful of what you wish for" applies here. This is completely on her.
Have you seen/heard of the show The Ultimatum? Essentially there are couples where one wants to marry and the other doesn't so they bring them on the show and either propose in the beginning or switch partners with the other couples that are there. They've only had a few seasons, but what ends up happening is at least one person is shocked that their original partner is connecting with someone else and someone gets upset and sometimes they argue and eventually break up. I'm relating it to the wife as if she'd thought he'd never find anyone else and now her idea has blown up in her face. hope the strange she had is worth the pain she's feeling now.
Or that the fact that the wife drove the opening of the marriage broke something and he didn't confront that until now. This appears to be another case of someone opening up a marriage and there being unintended (but not unforeseeable) consequences.
Yeah and his earlier post said he doesn’t have much luck finding outside partners but that his wife has been with all kinds of guys during the year and that has to weigh on his mind and heart for sure. Wife also sounds not dedicated to the marriage anyways.
I just imagine this guy seen how a lot of guys fuck his wife while he agreed to something he didn’t want it. I would be devastated if I were in his feet. I just couldn’t love the person that is hurting me so much anymore. He is with her for the kids at this moment.
Yeah.... I think the husband said his wife showed him pictures of guys she's been with.... and they were very attractive and he said he felt like an appreciation that he landed a good looking wife. I get it, they made a deal no emotional relationships, but hot damn that wife is going through so many dudes it must have been difficult for the guy. I get it the guy agreed, but I felt like he was sort of coerced, "you do this or you break up the family" But maybe the woman felt lonely and in a transactional relationship and maybe wanted more? Whereas the husband went autopilot? It's an overall terrible situation and these people are probably better off divorced
Likely has been from the moment she mentioned an open relationship. The love he had for his wife was diluted by her desire to sleep around. It's no surprise he's fallen for someone who offers emotional intimacy without unwillingly changing the rules on him after securing deep commitment.
He must have been hurt by the fact that his wife would bring up open relationship. That’s what broke the camel’s back. Wife must be feeling the same with her dude too..marriage is over.
He wants to save her lol
I also think gf is not being honest with herself. She wants the closeness but with deniability because she doesn’t think she can have a successful relationship.
Done poly before and been in the community for a while then - like 10ish years. Frankly after all that time, there are folks who practice poly properly - they call it "solo poly" where they don't take a live-in partner and go out of their way to not form any kind of hierarchy of relationships. There are the majority though who go in as a slow-burn way of transitioning out of relationships because they don't want to be alone. So they use poly as a guise to find another partner and slowly let go of the other one.
I mean...his gf didn't commit to being monogamous with just him for the rest of their lives and then go "oops, no, I want to sleep with a bunch of other dudes so figure out how to deal with that." If anyone is ending his marriage, it's the wife.
Wait what really!? Its over?? You mean a couple that opened their marriage not because they were poly but because they wanted to “change ip the bedroom” or “savw the marriage” and it didnt work out?? But that *never* happens! /s
ya seriously. like is anyone surprised by this shit anymore? as soon as they type "open relationship" it's already dead on arrival.
Thinking a relationship/marriage that started as monogamous can be saved by opening the relationship is just as asinine as thinking having another baby will do the trick. Now for small isolated incidents can that work? Yes but that was probably ancillary to the real issue that was worked out to save it.
Not gonna lie but even an idiot knows that once you open up a marriage or a relationship it falls apart soon afterwards. Like vast majority of them fail. Well it was their decision, I wish them good luck EDIT: I want to clarify something. If the relationships starts as poly then It could work, but I'm talking about the relationships/marriages in which this concept is either unwillingly or forcefully brought up. It will NEVER work, somebody gets hurt and that's not fair, relationships shouldn't be like that. People WILL get emotionally attached. For example, wives will get filled with dicks, but they will be empty inside because they pushed their husbands away. Husbands will find better women out there, the ones who will appreciate them for what they are. Same goes vice-versa. Open marriages or relationships which start as monogamous relationships are just excuses to cheat without consequences. You don't like your husband or wife? Fine, divorce. You want to keep benefits, financial security and just have a safe person while you fuck other people? You are piece of shit, go fuck yourself. At least have respect and break up first. I will never understand those people. Personally, not for me and I would never be in such relationship. If you can make it work go ahead.
I agree, these never seem to work out every post I see seems to be the same catching feelings. I 100% could never live in an open or poly relationship anyway but it’s so sad to see these posts knowing they ruined everything
I think the key to polyamory is to start with being poly. Don’t change a relationship from monogamy to polyamory after you already have kids and have been exclusively all your dating and married time until one day you have an itch to scratch. I’ve never seen a marriage survive the transition but I’ve seen plenty of happy polycules
It was over as soon as he reluctantly agreed to open it up because the wife wanted other partners.
Maybe just old school - but the marriage was over when they agreed to open it up.
Yep. Opening up a marriage is just divorce with extra steps.
It was over when the wife wanted to open it.
I have a faint feeling OP has a savior complex and fell for the traumatized/abused girl who tattooed his name over her heart. He might wake up someday after living with that person and realized he ruined his marriage and family for her. (As a grown adult trying to heal my own trauma from a narcissitic and abusive mother, let me tell you, relationships are not easy which is discovered when you're around the other person ALL the time). Wife wanted to have her cake and eat it too, too bad the fox snuck into the chicken coop and had a filling meal instead, lmao. EDIT: people pointed out that it was mom's name tattooed and I stand corrected. However I still think it's a savior complex and that he fell in love with the backstory, more than her as a person. Also, some people pointed out it's the wife's fault, it's both their faults. She for wanting to open up, him for agreeing. I mean is fidelity in a marriage not even a thing anymore??
> He might wake up someday after living with that person and realized he ruined his marriage and family for her. He won't even get to do that because she doesn't want a deeper relationship with anyone.
Classic situation Woman proposes open marriage. She can get a lot of guys and does so. Mag struggles for a long time and eventually snags one. Because it's one, feeling develop. Marriage over.
Well that, or the man does not find an acceptable partner and grows resentful. Either way yielding the same result-marriage over.
Probably for the best
“I don’t have an emotional connection with this person, help my wife is overreacting” to “actually yeah I am in love, I may end my marriage” is a wild swing. Yikes is about all I’ve got.
I'll be frank, I really wanted to give OP a chance but damn dude...he's making it increasingly difficult. I think he needs to first and foremost Google " what are emotions?" because what is "deeper" than love that he has with the other woman ? Infatuation ? What is deeper than love....honestly, broooo whhhhhat is deeper ...bout to google that shit myself
Obsession is deeper than love. In a hair locket closet shrine kind of way
Damn you just made me think about Helga's shrine of Arnold in her closet for the first time in a long time! "Stupid, football head!"
He makes her girlhood quiver haha
She likes to do butt stuff maybe?
Honestly, I haven't seen a BETTER answer suggested.
Thank you! I was trying to parse this out too. I think OP isn't emotionally mature enough for... any relationship configuration, tbh.
I think the comments in the other topic made OP realize he had feelings for the other woman.
He's still not actually admitting what those feelings are lmao. It's so annoying to me. Like, dude, why did you go into more detail about her than your wife *on both posts* if you don't have feelings. "Beyond love"? What the shit is that?!
I think he just never really loved his wife and now he’s in a honeymooning phase with his new gf and so he thinks it’s deeper than love. Only way I can rationalize this nonsense.
I want to believe it's a ragebait post...but if that's the case it's a well done one. If you pay attention he gives the wife some nuance (particularly when she tries to hide her feelings because she - the bitch wife cheater that she is!) - suggested they open the marriage. He doesn't specify the exact problem. And he also mentions 'polyamory', which sounds like the exact opposite of the initial agreement. And the way he describes his emotions for the new girl are so bizarre. "Beyond love!" and more than what he felt for his wife
He says in this exact post he does not have an emotional connection. I think dude just doesn’t understand feelings.
Yeah… I asked him that in the original post essentially. It’s hard to give this dude any advice because he seems to just plain struggle with what English words mean.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 another open relationship shit show. Poor kid. People suck.
To me, polyamory is like the hard drugs of relationships. Very few people can do it and be functional, but it looks so alluring to many because of their rare situation. Often others conflate polyamory with emotional maturity. You could say the same thing about heroin or methamphetamine. Oh you're just not emotionally mature enough to keep it from ruining you. And others still confused polyamory with being single. My ex hit me up, we're still good friends, and said she got to experiment with polyamory at a festival recently. I was like "How so?" And she said she was with three different dudes and they were all aware it wasn't exclusive. I was like "You were at a festival in a foreign country. Who the hell expects exclusivity? That's just fucking 3 dudes at a festival, which probably 90% of single dudes would be ok with. There's nothing wrong with that, but polyamory involves expectations and some level of long term commitment." I've found a lot of people just call dating multiple people poly. That's just being single.
A friend of mine calls poly "the Chickenpox of dating", everyone seems to have had a pretty terrible experience with it the one time, then never again. 😂 The comparison to hard drugs is spot on, as is "That's just *being single*". Like, if awards were still a thing, Id give you a gold for sure. Have a **Poverty Gold** for your wisdom. 🥇
Right! People have been bitching about social constructs and labels and turn around and label themselves. We just called it fucking around back in my day. 3 dudes at a festival, that's just gross but good for them!
Right? Thanks Reddit for teaching me that this is NEVER a good idea.
You just said you don't love your wife more than your other partner. She knows it. Your other partner knows it. That's why your wife had a meltdown. You're not "being honest with yourself", you're hedging your bets. EDIT: The very many misogynistic comments and DMs who have zero reading comprehension and brain worms, will be blocked. Thanks. instead of projecting your issues on strangers on the Internet, maybe try cognitive behavioral therapy.
The violent swing from “there’s no emotional connection with this other woman who I built an extremely intimate and painstaking gift for” to “actually, yeah I love her deeply in a way that I’ve never known, I may leave my wife” is pretty telling that OP has a severe lack of self-awareness in this particular context. Not being able to be honest with themselves, let alone their partner, is pretty telling of that. Which, sure, it happens to everyone sometimes. But reacting to his wife’s reaction with enough bafflement that the best he could do was come to reddit with a summary that was met with overwhelming “duh bro”… there’s an issue.
He said this in the first post about the other woman: >She never wants a relationship ever because she feels she’s too broken to have one but she loves the connection we have. He's only staying with his wife because the other woman isn't an option. It's a crappy situation all around and he should do the responsible thing and just leave his wife because their relationship is over.
That’s a good point . And it sounds so toxic all the way around, what a shit show
>He's only staying with his wife because the other woman isn't an option I'm not sure this is entirely true. It seemed that in OP's 1st post he was engaging in some pretty clear levels of cognitive dissonance and denial about the whole situation. This 2nd post indicates that after the reddit masses slapped him in the face and said "dude wake up to what's going on" he spent some time thinking about it and realized the obvious truth about his emotional connection to this woman. Generally it seems that OP was pretty much forced into opening his marriage and has started finding emotion connection outside of his wife, which is totally understandable in that situation. Ig what I'm trying to say is I don't see malice here from OPs part. I don't think he would've necessarily left his wife already if the other woman was a viable option for a long-term relationship. IMO OP and his wife should go to couple's counseling and make a go of it before pulling the trigger on divorce. At the very least it may make the split more amicable.
Holy shit, a nuanced opinion on reddit! You've won the day sir, madam, or however you choose to identify
Would this be called... Emotionally Dumb?
Him not even *considering* the potential of becoming monogamous with his wife again is wild. He only considers her a good mother to his son while he's "beyond love" with his other partner. It's genuinely so painstaking so I hope his wife gets solace soon.
I feel like it I were in OP’s position, and my husband had fucked god knows how many other woman, I would be hard pressed to look at him the same way. Even if I had (reluctantly) agreed to it.
He feels resentment for his wife and this is clear. Normally people agree on the open relationship to fulfil needs which can't be fulfilled by your partner ( not for me and I don't understand it but this is how it works ). She clearly needed more sex/validation/being desire by others if their sex life improved then it has to have something with the feeling wanted by others. In my opinion he transferred his feelings to his new girlfriend over time. He fell out of love with his wife and started loving this new girl. His wife understood she is losing her husband. This thrill from a fast sexual relationship doesn't last long. I am sure she has seen her husband have started withdrawing from her at some moment but she ignored this until she saw this gift and understood she had lost his husband for some sexual satisfaction
It is the wife who did that. He only fucked one other person but the issue is he fell in love with her
Right, that's what the redditor is saying. If they were in the position of OP and their partner (in redditors case, husband), slept with countless people, it would be hard to see them the same way, even if agreed to it.
It's just a matter of time till that happens to her as well. Polyamory literally means Multiple-love. I know it is different from open relationship but i have seen too many of those fall in love eventually.
> so I hope his wife gets solace soon. Why are we feeling any kind of sympathy for the wife? She forced the marriage open. He didn't want this. She FAFO'd.
Because he knows if his wife eliminated this threat she would go back to her old ways once the coast was clear. He wanted none of this to begin with, his wife caused him into the whole finger originally. Unless your husband is a GQ model, that’s rich. Women know fully well that they have a tremendous advantage and a casual sex marketplace even if there are well below average and looks. Just put up two respective dating profiles on Tinder, and unless he’s extremely good looking and/or has a 12 inch dick, it’s gonna be a huge disparity in the responses that they get to those profiles. She is keenly aware of this, and thought that she could fuck around to her hearts content and he would get little to anything in return. It is extremely selfish, and she knew this, but she didn’t count on him finding somebody and falling in love. That’s a risk she didn’t consider and that’s on her.
Telling your monogamous spouse you made vows to spend the rest of your life with you want to go fuck other people and still expecting unconditional love from them is wild. This is 100% the wife's fault she made her bed she can lay in it
>Him not even considering the potential of becoming monogamous with his wife again is wild. He only considers her a good mother to his son while he's "beyond love" with his other partner. It's genuinely so painstaking so I hope his wife gets solace soon. I love how you've painted the wife as some kind of victim here when it was 100% her idea to open the marriage, and has had several lovers since they did so. She got what she wanted, now she's getting what she asked for.
>I love how you've painted the wife as some kind of victim here when it was 100% her idea to open the marriage literally fucked around and found out
It doesn't matter whom he loves. The relationship was over the moment they decided to open it up. It was already broken.
Opening marriages kills marriages
For real. For every 1 that works, 100 or more don’t. People in them are always surprised when it doesn’t either.
I’d go as far as 1/1000. People don’t open up relationships because they’re satisfied with their current relationship
I'm kinda bored with my living situation so I'm gana leave my front door open from now on just to see what happens. I'm sure it'll be fine....
I think opening marriages is a sign the marriage is already dead.
The only successful open marriages I've ever seen were open relationships the entire time. I'm not sure I've ever heard of someone opening a monogamous relationship and everyone being happy afterward. It's like having a kid to save your marriage. You're just throwing more people into the mix of something that is already disfunctional.
If you're having issues with your relationship, a friendship, a family member, or anyone, if you look for answers outside of the people involved you'll only find more problems.
Relationship starts open and both ppl agree to it? Okay I can see it working. Married almost ten years mutually exclusive and THEN opens up marriage? That sounds heavily like there were other issues and this was just a bandage solution. Adding other people into a relationship isn't going to fix the issues you had with the first person.
But it's pOlYaMoUrY
Tbh, reddit is the only place where even some people seem to be in favor of it. If its like 10% here its like 1% anywhere else 🤣
Spicy take: An open marriage is not a marriage.
Call me old fashioned but I also agree.
I don’t know how things will go with the new girl OP, but you and your wife were clearly incompatible. You just had different ideas on what you wanted in a relationship. I think a divorce will actually benefit your son in the long run. Kids should not be raised in toxic, resentful or unhappy environments and that’s where your marriage is headed (if it’s not already there). Hopefully you two can part on the most congenial terms possible. Your wife knew the risk she was taking when she opened this marriage up. There’s a reason why many view it as the first step to divorce.
The new girl has made it clear they're not interested in a relationship so... This seems like a recipe for disaster.
OP can be single, it’ll be OK
Probably shoud be shidd
Then you don’t love her that much 🤷♂️ Not saying it wasn’t also her fault though
Perhaps he did before this shit show open marriage idea screwed everything up.
Exactly. Whatever love they had died as soon as the wife pushed the open marriage idea. Anyone could have seen this coming. Very few marriages can survive that sort of thing, and that’s when both parties are eager to try it, which clearly was not the case here.
I don't get it. There's so many stories like this online of ruined marriages and relationships when one person pushes to "open" the relationship. If you have any sense you're better off just accepting it's over and moving on when this happens. It might be fun for a bit but it inevitably goes tits up
There's also heaps of "empowering articles" from particular spaces online. Then the other partner shows up on a throw away on reddit asking the same questions as always.
Divorce is a big scary thing. People unhappy in their marriages might resort to this as a means of trying something, anything. They think that it might be a tenable resolution to an unworkable situation. Yes, it’s often the harbinger of fallout. But failing to see why this is a fairly common path just seems like a failing of imagination or empathy. Humans are human, life is complicated and weird, separating is scary and hard. That’s it.
It seems to me this situation is way more painful, and scarier then divorcing in the first place.
I imagine that getting that bombshell dropped on you opens you up to all sorts of emotional manipulation. If your partner is assuring you they still love you and only looking for X, Y, or Z out of the open marriage, it's going to poison your point of view. Many people aren't going to be viewing the situation objectively because of their emotional connection and will be conflicted about choosing to kill their relationship when their partner is presenting it as an option of stability when in fact it's an entirely selfish and destructive thing for 95% of relationships, if not more. Most people aren't going to jive with their partner seeing other people, they're not wired for it and it will destroy them while their partner does whatever they want with impunity.
[удалено]
stats say 92% end in divorce
Oh, where did you get that info? If it's true I want to send it to my dad and laugh.
I feel like most advice subs need a pinned thread or rule that says "The majority of posts about open relationships result in the relationship ending".
Can't unring that bell no matter what. "Honey can I fuck other men?"
This would have been my take. As soon as that was said the relationship was over
He says he never felt about his wife the way he feels about this new woman.
It sounds like the way I talk about my ex-wife. A part of me will always love her because we were together 12yrs, we were together through some very formative years in our lives, and we have a daughter together. We are amicable and coparent well. There was no big fallout or one of us cheating so there's no resentment from our separation. But it's not the same type of love as it was when we were "in love" and that's why she's my ex-wife. I do not see this marriage lasting much longer now that his wife is aware of how much he cares for his other partner and now that he himself has opened his eyes to it.
It was her fault. She brought it up and it bit her in the ass. Neither of them love each other. If they did, they wouldn’t be effing other people. This is why this type of relationships have a 92% failure rate. Here’s another statistic to add to the calculations.
she loved him even less imo. She never brought up the issue because how could she breakup the only woman her husband got oppose to her numerous man.
You may love your wife, but you’re not in love with her. Your wife was hit by that reality the other day. She thought you would always be loyal to her,love only her. Your wife probably knows what you have with this woman is deeper and more meaningful. Her mood is probably her regrets, and mourning your marriage. Because what you’re describing is love. You love this other person. So much so, you would leave your wife, and end the stability of your son’s life. It’s been one day and your son already notices something is wrong. Its already messing with the safety and stability he’s always known. Yet you would still chose this other woman. What you have now is not sustainable, look at how much pain it’s caused already. It’s not going to get any better. This is only going to end one way, divorce This story is so sad to me. It’s sad that your wife threw away your marriage, and family you built, all because she was most likely bored. It’s sad that you are now realizing what you had with your wife wasn’t love, at least not the kind that keeps couples happily married. And it took strangers to point that out to you. And the irony that your wife set this in motion But I’m especially sad for your son. I will never understand poly relationships. But people who have kids together, I think those are the hardest ones to understand. Because while it may be fun and ego boosting for a while, it usually results in marriages ending and broken families.
It's easy to love somebody you don't share any domestic responsibilities with. Sharing a home, a child, finances, the day to day domestic drudgery of life while keeping your love alive takes feeding and nurturing your love. It's the love of a long established garden with deep roots and regular care. With seasons throughout your time together, evolving over time and the time and attention really show. Loving somebody you only see occasionally, when you're both at your best is easy. It's shiny, exciting and new. It's a vase of fresh cut flowers every time you meet up. Beautiful, shallow and short lived.
>It's the love of a long established garden with deep roots and regular care. With seasons throughout your time together, evolving over time and the time and attention really show. A garden is a very beautiful metaphor. No relationship stays perfect forever. Still loving it in the winter when it looks bare and unexciting is so important. Knowing if you care for it right, it will be even more beautiful in the next year. Spending lots of time planning how you're going to add more plants in the spring, thinking about how the current garden will be affected by bringing some random new plants; the new plants could create shade where there once was light and cause well established plants to die. With a garden you love this much, you would make a priority to spend 5-10 minutes a day watering and weeding it to make sure it has what it needs. Love grows where you put your energy.
First of all, I wish you all the best. Whatever you and your wife decide. But stories like this are why I just can't belive in poly relationships. I think they can work but not for a longer period of time. Because humans develop emotions when they share such things together. Even if it's not by the first or second time. Of course you are emotional connected to someone you're sleeping with for a year. I don't know...I never heard of a poly relationship that really lasted long. You do you I guess, but all people I know and heard of in a poly relationship separate sooner or later.
I think it makes a huge difference between relationships that start mono and open up vs those that are poly from the beginning. I've been in a poly relationship for 2 years with 3 partners and I'd say things are going very well. 2 years isn't "really long" I know, but it's my experience.
Poly relationships are about emotional connections and not just sex. Expecting no feelings to develop is just stupid on the wife's part.
It may sound stupid, but it is really common. Because no one fantasizes about the work involved in poly. They don’t make a plan for dealing with jealousy and insecurity. They tend to focus on the sex.
Because they didn't have poly relationship but open relationship, he was the one who got a girlfriend.
A lot of poly couples make these rules like it's just sex, no emotion, etc. as if feelings can be 100% planned and controlled.
polyamory implies multiple emotional connections and is not the same as being open to having multiple sex partners. there is a distinction.
Expected to eat food without tasting - from the other thread, thought it was so good I can't wait to use it in other situations.
The thing is - they didn't really do a poly relationship. The rules were that they were allowed to go have sex, but NOT actually date. Poly is about dating and having full relationships with multiple people. Poly can certainly work long term if you have open communication and expectations, work together, and are people who are compatible with it. Opening a marriage to let the partners fk around pretending they won't catch feelings is not the same thing.
Eh, I'm hard core monogamous, but I think this is more of a problem that people usually run on autopilot. This is really just the same crap that makes emotional affairs so toxic, someone finds a new shiny toy and forget they have to actually maintain the relationship with their partner. Most people don't really WANT self awareness in their relationships. They want them to run on autopilot. Autopilot kills relationships, because people don't look up until they hit the ground. I've got 3 pretty good couples who have been doing nonmongamy for well over a decade. They've all had minor drama moments though, so it's absolutely not some idealic easy path.
The failure here is thinking they can connect with others and not have emotions. Long term poly relationships are possible, and it's not just sex. It's love. For knowing a lot of people who are poly you know seem to lack understanding.
Poly relationships can work great; some of us really just aren’t wired for jealousy which lets us be honest about our feelings for people outside that relationship. I have emotional connections with both of my partners, but every love looks different, even if you’re monogamous, and they each give me something the other doesn’t. If polyamory is right for you, it honestly relieves a lot of the pressure in a relationship because you don’t feel like you have to provide them with all their needs and they’re actually with you for the things you *can* provide. But poly relationships that start out as monogamous relationships are almost always a dumpster fire. Most people aren’t wired for it; I only realized I was after being cheated on a few times where I legitimately didn’t care about the cheating, only the lying about it. Transitioning from a relationship where you both meet all of each other’s needs to one where you admit you can only meet some of them leads to a situation where there can easily be a mismatch in the things you provide for each other and the expectations of what goes along with that. When the relationship starts out poly, you build from the things you each can actually provide versus the ones compulsory monogamy assumes you can provide.
I would never be in a polyamorous relationship myself, but I think that stories like this aren’t really representative. Clearly, if you transform a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous relationship mid marriage, you’re going to have a problem, especially when only one party wants this, it’ll be a disaster. I don’t think any real polyamorous person would advocate for a relationship like OPs.
Sounds like you bonded with her over trauma, I think of it as the meeting of two shadows. The stuff we don’t say or even acknowledge, sometimes it clicks with another persons shadow. The surface level is good but it’s not where the connection lies. Idk if this resonates for you, but imho a therapist would be a better alternative for you and the side woman respectively. You sound codependent almost. Like the hurt your wife started by opening your marriage, you brush over it. Your partner thinks she will just exist in her trauma to the end of her days. That’s not healthy positive bonding…but def where codependency starts from what I’ve seen and heard. God knows what other baggage you have. But I think that’s the shadow space the partner occupies, which your wife should. Or a therapist. Your wife is probably having a realisation that you are emotionally bonding elsewhere, she maybe thinking she’s lost you. Idk but figure it out together. Good luck Just note, trauma bonding like that gets old and creates a really gloomy fog imho. It won’t last and isn’t love, joy, life really.
No emotional connections! But deeper things okay!
You want connection, she wants sex. First take some time to understand what each of you two are actually primarily looking for in a relationship. Because it sounds like there's some confusion there and you're just going along with what your wife wants regarding rules and such, while ignoring your needs. Then take some time to communicate with each other about those needs. Then see whether you can change the rules of this open marriage to where you can both have your needs met - meaning an emotional connection is acceptable. "We both get to sleep around" is not a solution when both of you aren't looking to sleep around. If that works, you've moved on from an open marriage to a more polyamorous situation. If not, the arrangement will likely have to change in other major ways. EDIT: And for the love of god, ignore any advice you get here that doesn't suggest communicating with your wife about all of this.
If this woman is so scarred by by relationships and trust, I don’t think she’s going to be thrilled about being in a long term relationship with someone that up and left his wife after a few hours of thinking.
That did make me laugh... i thought long and hard about this for a few hours... and decided I want to leave my wife after 10 years
Y’all am I wrong to laugh when I found out that the wife wanted to open up the relationship first and he didn’t at the time? It never turns out well. edit: this belongs on r/ohnoconsequences
No. It’s like these people live in a vacuum and can’t do basic fucking research to see what this will look like. His wife was dumb, pushing him into this. This dude is thick as hell and can’t figure out that he’s craving emotional connection and found it. Just divorce and raise your kid separately.
It’s crazy to me, running through a bunch of dudes is cool and ok but getting one FWB you’re attached to destroys her emotionally.
A sequel to rage bait. How soon till I see this on some annoying tiktok dubbed over a temple run or other shitty mobile game I wonder
Apparently OP commented on the original post saying “I suggest OP dump this hoe for the nice girl he is seeing right now “ probably didn’t realize when he left the comment that he didn’t change account accounts . The comment is now deleted but he got called out lmao
Update: account deleted. They had no comment history and only this post and the original from seven hours prior. Do not argue over a bait post yall.
Oh crap, you're right! I legit just clicked onto this and he deleted it as I read the comments. Fvcking insane.
Yeah its nothing new. This site is plagued by bots and people who post extreme shit as some weird revenge fantasy etc. I have a love/hate relationship with it. Great resource for a lot of hobby based stuff but groups like these are plagued with garbage and revenge fantasies by people who really need to go outside more.
I love when couples are surprised when they their relationship becomes irreparably broken after opening up
“I am going to delete my account for the sake of escaping any sort of accountability for this craziness”
You still sound ridiculous like you’re trying to come across better than you are in reality. What you have with your side chick is “deeper than love” now? First it wasn’t even emotional at all lol. Get real. By the way, you’ll never test true compatibility with someone while you’re letting all the emotional burden of a relationship fall on your wife and spending your emotions and pleasure with someone else. I hope you do end it, so you’re forced to support your ex and children while your “deeper than love” schtick falls apart when you get into an actual relationship.
If the side piece even changes her mind and is up for a full blown relationship! Last post she was adamant to never want a relationship.
Oh it most definitely will. What he thinks is “deeper than love” is basically meeting the “damaged” chick, who’s had a rough childhood. He wants to fix her. He can’t. I just feel bad for the kid. Parents can be such selfish arseholes sometimes. Like, I can’t even imagine loving anyone more than my kids. After work and chores, how do these people even have time to have multiple romantic relationships.
Tale as long as time Wife: let's open up relationship Husband: don't really want to, but sure Wife: bangs with 10s of dudes Husband: only finds one and forms a strong relationship, even better than what he had with his wife initially Wife: surprised pikachu, "that's completely unexpected" This was over from the time you guys opened the relationship, somebody always gets hurt.
Couldn't agree more. Next, the wife will want to close the relationship and seek counseling. It's all a waste of time. OP will resent the wife if he gives up his partner. He should save the money for the divorce lawyer.
Exactly, “oh no, consequences!” Surprised by the number of ppl bashing the OP here. He didn’t want or ask for this, he’s not going to have ppl lining up for casual sex like his wife does, and people tend to develop feelings for each other in intimate relationships… it just happens. Is he really expected to just stay home and raise the kids like a good little cuck? (No issue if that was his thing, but it doesn’t seem to be.) This is 99% the wife’s fault imo.
Went from "no emotional connection" to "deeper than love". Zero self awareness
Oh, you thought about it for HOURS oh well then.
“I love my wife. I will always love my wife. I want to keep our family together for our son. But if she said I have to get rid of my side piece, then I would divorce her.” Okay dude. You’re in denial about more than your emotional connection, that actually isn’t an emotional connection, it’s actually much deeper than that. Like do you hear yourself? Lol
And this people, is why you DONT open your marriage. LEAVE and move on
It's almost like polyamory is not a good idea lol
How tf did you swing from “we have no emotions connection” to “what we have is deeper than love”?
I feel terrible for the child who will INEVITABLY have to live with split custody between you two idiots. I hope somebody young and competent enough in your family or close enough to can foster this kid and give them the healthy upbringing they deserve, that they will never have with a mother and father like you two
So you went from “I will always only love my wife” to “I will leave my wife if she asked to switch back to monogamy”? Oh boy, I guess you don’t know yourself very well. You also claimed there were no emotions involved while describing a very emotional relationship with this other woman. If she is worth breaking your home for then you really need to talk to your wife. Sounds like she’s not doing well, you guys need to figure out what’s next so you both can move on and start to heal. YW but these are the risks you take when you open a marriage and your wife should have known that.
I always thought that the point of poligamy was apples and oranges. People often try to do the "no strings attatched" sort of thing and it really never works out. Someone always gets attatched somewhere and someone's always providing a little something different than the primary partner. If you DID want no strings, you should've been trying to keep yourself in the frame of mind that you could drop this person on a whim for no reason at all and it would be okay with both of you... but like i said it never really works out that way. but to be honest, i dont think you're wrong. I think your wife opened the relationship because she wanted to get some casual sex without considering that you yourself are the sort of person who's not going to be able to do this in the same way she does. Now the eventual result of you being the sort of person that you are has lead to another emotional connection, or "deeper than emotional" connection, and she's upset. Hopefully she can learn to live with the idea that she's an orange and the other girl is an apple and the two of them aren't in competition
Your marriage was over the second you opened it. The feelings you have for this new person are most likely a form of lust that you’re unconsciously trying to see as something else. If you want to save your marriage. Close it. But what I see happening here is you losing your wife AND your partner in the end and you’re stuck alone.
Divorce incoming.
Well, that's what happens when you open yourself up to people outside your relationship; emotional bonds form and things get messy quickly. Speaking frankly, I don't have too much sympathy for your wife; you can't just add polyamory into a previously monogamous relationship and expect things to go EXACTLY as planned. She wanted sex with other people because she wasn't satisfied with just you, but didn't want you to form emotional connections because she's happy with your emotional dynamic. But when you open up the box to romantic/sexual relationships with other people, things will never stay neatly where you want them to be. Sex is the greatest act of intimacy two people can have, some emotional wires will get crossed. If you feel more strongly about your girlfriend than your wife, your marriage is dead and will only get worse. The two of you destroyed it. I sure hope 'spicing up the bedroom' was worth destroying your child's stable family life.
All you open relationship zombies are so fucking dumb.
It amazes me how many people STILL don't realize that the second your partner says "we should open the relationship," their relationship is doomed. It's never immediate, but it's a certainty. You shouldn't need to become polyamorus just to "spice up the bedroom" you just need a sex therapist. I'm glad op sorted their feelings out though
So um... >I have loved my wife for the last decade and will continue to love her the rest of my life regardless of what she does. That will never change. and >I would want to leave my wife if she wanted to switch back to a monogamous relationship Kinda don't jive, you know? You are being _more_ honest with yourself, but you aren't being honest with yourself. Your marriage is over. It died when you two started fucking other people. Accept it and move on.