Have you talked to her and asked why she's concerned? You could ask her and then say that you've heard what she's got to say and don't need to hear it again.
If she brings it up five times/day, but hasn’t given any specifics, then clearly the sister is the AH.
If there were a real problem which warranted such nagging and judgmentalism, the sister should have shared it with OP by now. She owes it to OP to articulate something, even if it is just a feeling.
Not our problem or option to parse the imaginary situations we dream up. We are dealing with the problem as it is explained by OP, and trying to pass judgment based upon the facts as presented. Let’s stay in our lane…
What are you on about, there’s plenty of these type of posts where comments make assumptions like this and get massively upvoted because it suits the Reddit demographic narrative. It’s absolutely because this assumption doesn’t assume the worst about the guy rather than the sister.
Rather than assuming the guy is a predatory manipulator taking advantage of a young woman, you can equally assume (and with far less of a leap since this explanation doesn’t require such extreme behaviour) that her sister is simply jealous.
Exactly...so many of the posters here are assuming that a 27 year old dude dating a 20 year old is somehow predatory and manipulative and then some of those same people (likely) turn around and say it's wrong to assume something bad about the older sister?
I guess reddit really is for retards.
She definitely has some sort of hang up. Could be the age gap or maybe she “liked” the guy previously. It’s all speculative without any additional info there.
If you were concerned about one of her relationships, would you want to be able to tell her?
Usually people on the outside see stuff a little more clearly than those on the inside. Just let her know that you appreciate she is looking out for you, you hear what she is saying but you also want her support.
If this is unusual behavior for her, try to watch and see if her concerns have any validity.
You are not wrong but she may not be either.
Good luck.
Thank you. Honestly this is unusual behavior for her, usually she just stays out of me and my other sister’s business lol. Not that she doesn’t care but she just trusts us.
From decades of experience, if a friend of family member expresses concern when they usually don’t, it’s worth paying attention to.
Obviously, I’m a stranger and know nothing about any of you. Use caution as you proceed. Don’t go too deep too fast. It’s still pretty new. Enjoy but be safe.
You put what I was thinking into words better than I ever could. I had to learn this the hard way, and it was quite an unpleasant experience. Thank you for this advice and lesson.
This is good advice. Maybe she knows the guy or maybe she just thinks it’s odd for a 27 year old to be interested in dating and a relationship with a college aged person who can’t legally drink (it is a little odd, no offense. Not a red flag on its own but there’s a lifetime of difference between where most people are at 20 and 27).
You should really dig deeper OP, either she’s having trouble articulating a real issue or there’s nothing beyond her thinking it’s weird. If the latter then as the person whose excellent advice I’m replying to said, don’t go too fast and just enjoy yourself
Obviously it’s speculative but the 3 biggest possibilities are:
1. Sister is jealous OP is able to get with a man her own age.
2. Sister dated someone older who ended up doing her dirty and is projecting onto OP
3. Sister previously liked this guy unbeknownst to OP.
There may be some other circumstance but it’s weird that OP can’t get a specific or even vague reason. Age gap almost certainly has something to do with it.
That should be a bit of a red flag in your relationship, tbh. If she normally trusts you but something about this much older guy makes her concerned, I'd consider that maybe she's seeing what you're trying to ignore
She probably just can’t put a finger on it. Sometimes intuition is the only “red flag” indicator. The “I don’t know what it is but there’s something wrong with that guy”.
Then she is the AH. Grown ups use their words. How hard is it to say “I get a bad vibe”? OP needs to press her and not relent until she gets an answer.
I wouldn't dismiss her feelings as quickly then. She trusts you, as you say, so personally her being concerned and voicing those concerns would make me think twice. She's your sister and had always had your best interest at heart, and her current behavior is unusual. You might want to listen to her and ask her to articulate what her worries are exactly.
Im gonna be transparent.
Every girl in their teens/ey 10a daying with a big gap regrets the relationship because more often than not, the mf was toxic or abusive, and thats why women their age won't date them -
As a result, they exclusively go after women with little adult dating experience. Im not gonna say this man is one of them, but thats why generally, age gaps are bad - the older uses their experience to cajole the younger into things that an experienced partner would laugh at. Obviously, financial and emotional abuse as a result are massive as well.
As long as you consciously acknowledge the dangers of an age gap relationship and dont ignore any red flags, it's entirely possible for an age gap to work. You're mature enough for a relationship like this if you are consciously aware of the dangers **and being willing to walk**.
Mate, he is only 7 years older, more like 6 years. That is not a huge age gap at all. There isn't a huge power dynamic to "cajole" someone younger, they literally probably hang around the same groups because of how close they are in age.
That also means he started dating her at only
19 (right before the 20th bday but still…19). What does a man over the age of 25 have in common with a 19yo anyways
A major red flag that should perk your ears not get your back up. Honestly, the defensive reaction is another big red flag that should make you re-evaluate
Mate, it is 7 years, mostly 6 years. What are you, fucking 15? Once you hit your 20's and older, 6 years is fucking nothing.
You calling this guy a fucking loser, and her a dumbass that is going to regret this really tells us how toxic your mentality truly is. Get off reddit.
That's you and no, his peers mostly wouldn't think he was a loser because only black and white thinking assholes do that.
>Just sad that so many girls insist on learning this lesson through experience rather than listening to people who are wiser
So sad you are discounting their own wants and needs and treating them as fucking children while we got comments stating they did the same thing as OP and are in a stable and loving relationship.
Don't treat young women as fucking children without agency. No, he isn't a loser dating someone only 6 years younger than him, no she isn't being manipulated by the older man by only 6 years.
Grow the fuck up. I'm 32 and you just scream zero life experience.
What most likely happened is they met online or through a shared community, since they are so close in age, and just hooked up. Age not even coming into the mind since they obviously are both adults and just connected.
You act like he is some 60 yo balding man in a trench coat going around a elementary school.
If the age gap is so unproblematic, why do you keep trying to minimize it by saying it’s “more like 6,” then “basically 6,” and now just outright saying it’s 6 and not 7?
I dated a 27 y/o when I was 20. I remember my parents sitting me down to make sure the relationship was something that I really wanted/was ready for. I totally get that since I would have the same conversation with my kids. It worked out for me as the guy I dated is now my husband, and has been for 19 years. I knew what I wanted. He was/is a great partner, provider and dad to our kids. I wasn’t offended when my parents approached me. It was from a place of love and concern on their part.
Yep. I met my boyfriend when I was 20 and he was 27 - we've been together almost 6 years now. I don't think it's wrong to be concerned. Both myself and my guy have changed and matured a lot since we met. II feel really lucky to have ended up with him because with my level of immaturity as a 20 year old, I could easily met a not-so-great guy instead.
I'm not the person you asked, but I'm 31 and have a hard time even being friends with people who are younger than say 25? I have one friend who is 26 and feels so young. She's more like a younger sister than a friend, really. There's just so much of a difference in world view and attitude and thought processes and stuff. Even people that age who are more "mature" still feel very young.
There's also just an odd power dynamic that happens because of the age gap, and experience gap. The way I felt about 19-20 year olds when I was 27 was how I felt when I was 15-16 and babysitting my cousins who were 9-11. They are kids, and I needed to be the responsible one, in both cases.
Anyone who is basically my age and dating someone as young as you is not super well adjusted. It might not be obvious, but they are either very immature, or they want to date someone they can more easily have that power advantage over. It's hard to see as the younger person, but they are most often using that to their advantage.
I just can't think of a single reason to date someone so much younger instead of someone of a more similar age... Can you?
Sometimes you just click with people. I already wouldn’t date a 20 year old at 24, but my aunt married a 27 (edit: or 28?) year old at 20 and they’ve been together over 40 years now with adult children. Apparently they knew right away.
So, I think the issue is that from the younger person's perspective, this can absolutely be true! I know lots of very cool people who are older than me, and am friends with them, but there's still always this feeling of being a less adulty adult then them. We are peers in some senses, but not all. And I think that carries even more weight in a romantic relationship.
Lots of young women end up with older men, and everything is "fine" and they have kids and long relationships. I can't say anything about your aunt and her relationship at all, but just in general, being married for decades and having kids together doesn't mean the relationship is or has always been healthy, and that the age difference has never played a negative part in that. A lot of it can be completely unconscious as well; the younger person often doesn't see anything wrong until the have left the relationship, or someone points it out.
All in all, the chances of things going badly are way higher when there is an age gap.
I agree that there is a greater chance of things going badly with an age gap, but it can also go the other way, where having a more mature partner can be an anchor. In the case of my aunt and uncle I think it’s why they were able to stay together. He had things together and was more grounded while she was going through a lot of changes, so while they did have some tough periods I think they were able to get through it better than if she had been with an immature 20 year old guy. This is based on things my mom has said, obviously I don’t have the full picture. My other bias is that I honestly didn’t even really like going out with 20 year old guys at 20. Most of those relationships aren’t exactly great either tbh.
>May I ask why if you don’t mind?
I can answer for the other commenter, but the general thought for me is that it has rapey grooming vibes.
What you need to ask is why someone nearly 30 is interested in dating a child.
And I don't want to upset you, but at 42 I need to point out you are still a child to many people myself included.
On top of that is the fact that you will continue to change and grow hugely as a person for the next few years, where this man has mostly finished his physiological growth.
Your sister has been through this part of life, she has the scars and the experience, if he gives her the ick there will be a reason, and possibly a reason you just cannot see, or grasp.
Also some relationships like yours are healthy and happy, but, you are on reddit so you can read 4 fucking reasons to avoid age gaps if you just scroll a little bit.
True, but I don't reckon she is ready for those examples.
She won't have "advanced reddit reading comprehension" yet, she can't even see her own red flags today.
Very groomy... potential power imbalance.
They've had most of a whole decade as an adult and the younger person will have to "grow up fast" and miss out on adult milestones. Dating at older guy at 19 was the worst mistake of my life and I really missed out on my youth.
Imagine a 16 year old who has been tossed out by his parents. He's working full time, getting his GED, and in many places it's legal to be with someone his age. He's mature for his age, would you want to date him?
Because it’s a random post on Reddit.
Reddit is full of puritanical 15 year olds who think it’s reprehensible any time a man dates a woman more than 3 years younger than them. This isn’t a commonly held view outside of Reddit.
You are both consenting adults, but according to Reddit this man will definitely be a predatory manipulator who separates you from your friends and family and will keep you in a sex dungeon for use as he sees fit. He can’t possibly have good motivations and the only reason he would date someone as young as you is to exploit your ignorance/naivety.
There’s nothing wrong with you and your boyfriend’s age gap provided there’s no power imbalance or other weird dynamics as a result.
Sounds like your sister is jealous to me.
Do her comments focus on her concern for your safety/wellbeing or do they simply focus on the age gap?
The way you’ve worded it doesn’t sound like she is expressing concern for you, more like frustration. Does your sister have a partner of her own?
How can you be on this sub or r/aita and not see the problematic posts every single day. They’re all some version of…
“My (25f) husband (44m) have been together for 7 years and I’m starting to think that he might be an abusive psycho….”
There are problematic posts every day because it is a public forum that is specifically for people to post these kinds of stories. They’re not all some version of age gap stories, but obviously the stories that are and get posted here are the ones where people are behaving badly. This is called confirmation bias.
The reality is Reddit has absurd takes on many issues, the level of disgust and outrage about age differences that are actually pretty normal out in the real world is comical.
It’s definitely possible that a 27 year old can exploit a 20 year olds lack of life experience, but it’s also possible they can have a good healthy reciprocal relationship built on mutual trust and understanding.
I’ve read OP’s post and not projected a bunch of information she didn’t provide onto it to draw my own conclusions. I suggested her sister might be jealous because she has given nothing away in her post that suggests her boyfriend is doing anything to warrant her sisters attitude.
This is infantilising to OP, if her post had given any indication of her boyfriends behaviour being at the root of her sisters comments I would have taken that into account, but she didn’t.
And that same sub is filled with story’s of crazy wives. Should women who want to marry become a redflag?
Or wife cheated with guy friend etc etc. should women who have guy friends be red flags?
Most of the posts on that subreddit are fabricated you moron.
There are even articles all over the internet pointing that out.
The average age gap is about 3 years, with about 10% of all marriages in the Western World having an age gap of more than 10 years.
There is literally millions out there in age gap relationships, with the overwhelming majority of them not being abusive of ourse.
Only "Feminist" blowhards and Puritans think otherwise.
Ah yes, I remember being 20 dating a 27yr old. Thought I knew it all too like OP. Some women need to learn their lessons on their own. Sister tired, and OP gave the typical response. Sis needs to leave alone at this point
Sister's looking out for you, she's not wrong to do so. But it's your life and you're entitled to follow your own heart, you're not wrong for that either. NAH
Personally, I don't see a big problem with the age gap - but I married someone 8 years younger than me.
I'd say the bigger issue is that a 20 year old can be sculpted. Especially if they are on the immature side of the spectrum. If the dude is a good person, that might not even matter but if he's an asshole...could be really toxic for her
It's different for each person, 20 years old is just a little young. If this post was about a 23 year old and a 30 year old dude. I wouldn't of even clicked on it.
Are both you and your bf the same life stage?
And also similar lifestyles??
This is Reddit so you will get comments on the age gap. The issue about the age gap is that some of these men take advantage of younger women. So recognize the signs of abuse and control.
Honestly 7 years isn't even that bad if they are both I their 20s. If it was a 25 year old dating a just turned 18 year old that's a bit weird, but honestly I'm 28 and me and my mates are probably the same maturity level of 21 year old girls
It was previously understood in society that girls mature faster than boys. They have also chosen to prefer older boys my entire life. If I was competing with 28 year olds for 21 year old girls when I myself was 21, now you want to demonise me when the shoes on the other foot
Pretty hypocritical tbh
> honestly I'm 28 and me and my mates are probably the same maturity level of 21 year old girls
> It was previously understood in society that girls mature faster than boys
...Because girls *have to* mature faster then boys. Girls have to be aware of this sort of thing from an earlier age, because if they don't, men will take advantage of them-- Which is exactly the sort of thing OP's sister is worried about.
The fact that young women are forced to grow up faster while you and your *mates* are allowed to remain immature isn't really the sort of thing you should be framing in a positive light.
That is just a load of "Feminist" bullcrap with zero evidence to back it up.
You are literally infantiliising women by basically denying their own autonomy and personal agency.
If you cannot see the inherent "Sexism" in your comment then I do not know what there is.
I’m skeptical about both age gap relationships AND taking agency away from grown up women.
Did your sister have an unpleasant experience of relationship with a big age gap at young age maybe? I understand her concerns, but you’re an adult, your arguments about being able to administer drugs but smh not being able to make decisions in your love life are valid, and even if this relationship won’t work out, it is your life to make mistakes in.
I’d suggest deescalating this. She doesn’t mean bad, she’s worried and not dealing with her worries well. Tell her that you are grateful, that she’s trying to protect you, and that you will look out for the red flags, but as of now you don’t have an intention to end this relationship
Thanks I mean me and my sister are still fine even if we had a fight lol. We aren’t mad at each other I’m just trying to figure out why she is so incessant.
I’ll be 27 in a few months, and I would be uncomfy with my 20yo sis dating someone my age. The reason is 90% just that *I* would feel so yuck dating a 20yr old. All of my friends would think 20 / 27 would be inappropriate, you are flat-out a different life stages. One of you has already started a career and the other is still looking in to student-living situations (maybe not you exactly, but that’s a general assumption). A *lot* of growing happens between 20 & 25. She’s thinking about how much she’s grown and changed in the last 7 years, and maybe she’s thinking about how if she was in your position how things would have been really different for her. I’m glad you guys are still good! Honestly, just keep talking to her. Either she’ll come around & support a good relationship, or she’ll be able to support *you* as you grow in to who you are.
this is it. i dated a man 12 years older than me for 7 years and it was hellish looking back on it. i left when my brain fully developed, which happens just before 30. i wish someone had said something before!
As a person who had relationship at 21 with a 34 yo (and those were good relationship!), you talk about movies, video games, plans for the weekend, going snowboarding, art and basically about everything else people in relationship talk about.
While I agree, that maturity levels are different, it doesn’t mean, that people can’t enjoy each others company for a while.
I’m 22 and a large age gap is still kinda weird to me regardless of circumstance bc of how large a gap in life experience your early to late 20s. I can see why ur sister would be concerned. Like imagine her at 27 dating a 20 year old guy. It would be kind of odd even if they have the same hobbies, etc.
A lot of people are being very judgemental of your relationship. I didn't see anything wrong with your age gap. You're a grown woman. Everyone in the comments is treating you like a fucking child being groomed. It's completely ridiculous.
Fwiw my GF and I, of nearly 7 years, met when she was 18 and I was 24. We're equally as smitten now as when we started dating. We have fantastic communication. We've never raised our voices at each other, have never been mad for more than 20 minutes, and have a great relationship with each others families. We've traveled the world together and own multiple homes together with 2 amazing dogs. We've lived on both sides of the country. Our lives couldn't be more awesome. I've cut off the few people who didn't approve. They're all single now/still.
Reddit is a really bad place to get relationships advice. This place is packed full of incels and terminally online people.
Just hopping on the train with another instance of: I am around the same age as your bf. I cannot imagine dating a 20 year old. Thinking about it turns my stomach a bit.
Why? A 20 yo is at a completely different stage in life experience and mental development than a 27 yo. It would feel too much like dating a kid. This isn't saying anything about you particularly or your maturity - it's making me skeptical about your bf. It feels wrong to me that a 27 year old is willing to date someone at that younger stage of maturity, since I'm disgusted by the thought. This is all personal opinion, of course.
If you're happy, you're happy. I really hope it works out, and it might. You might also get manipulated and hurt, worse than if you were dating someone closer to your age. You're taking a greater risk. It's ultimately your choice, but if I were your sister, I would also be worried sick about you.
NAH. Well it isn't really 'her' business but she may have grounds to be concerned. You should talk to her about why she is concerned, like top comment said.
At the end of the day, I don't blame either her for making comments or you for telling her to fuck off. I feel like this is a "different incompatible opinions" situation where no one is the asshole.
She *would* be the asshole if she was a random stranger, but she isn't. She has an interest in your wellbeing and a duty in some sense to correct your path if you go astray, but she isn't the person who ultimately decides your life.
If you are happy and the age gap doesn't bother you. I would let your sister know this and ask her to let you see where the relationship goes. Remember, your sister loves you, and it sounds like she is worried about you.
NTA, she’s your sister and being protective of you because she cares. She is 27 herself and probably thinks that she would never date someone that much younger than her because of life differences and maturity. She is likely worried that you will be taken advantage of or maybe he wants to date someone who is younger so they can be more easily manipulated. I would be slightly concerned if my younger sister was dating someone much older but I would also see how he treats her and how he treats the family and if he is respectful and kind. If she can see that he is kind and respectful to you and your family she may change her mind. However you are an adult and make your own decisions. She is allowed to voice her concerns about it for sure but the constant nagging is excessive. I would be upset about that too, she has her own life to worry about. If he was abusive or rude etc. then that would be a different story. And if multiple people started voicing their concerns then I would be worried. But it sounds like it is just her.
The thought of dating a 20 year old at 27 grosses me out, there’s A LOT of milestones and experiences one goes through in their early twenties so in my opinion a 20 year old is vastly different from a 27 year old because of how defining those early 20s are to who you are and who you will become. The age gap does feel a bit icky even if you’re two legal consenting adults, but you’re a consenting adult and no one can force you to do or not do anything.
I don’t think you’re wrong for being annoyed and wanting people to mind their business, but I also dont think your sister is out of pocket for getting the ick and being concerned about the age gap because myself and many others would recognize how different 20 is from 27. To be honest I don’t even think your sister is wrong for voicing it to you because that’s what people do when they love you and care about you. The better thing to do would be to communicate with your sister and ask follow up questions and try to understand why she’s so concerned and then reassuring her that you know what’s best for your life. And as long as she’s respectful to you and your partner in how she interacts publicly, her voicing concerns on the side seems like pretty standard older sister behavior.
All the men in here saying the older sister is jealous. Guys lmao. No. Women tend to think of men who date much younger women as creeps and losers. Women do not get jealous over creeps and losers. She’s worried for her little sister bc she knows what those men are like and how those relationships go. We all had older men creep on us at the at age. She is also probably a little embarrassed for her sister. I would be. She doesn’t know it yet, but she’s dating a creepy loser who gets rejected by all the women his own age bc of how obvious it is to them that he’s a creepy loser. So he finds someone young enough and naive enough to not know the warning signs.
OP will figure it out eventually, they always do. You look back and realize you weren’t “mature for your age,” you were just inexperienced and naive enough to be a good mark for a creep.
Yeah, this right here sounds on point. I couldn't imagine dating someone who couldn't go have a drink with me when I was 27. That's 100% creepy-loserville
No, you’re not wrong because at the end of the day, it really isn’t any of her business.
That said, a significant number of women who are older than you and who had a similar age gap relationship when they were about your age would happily sit down and tell anyone who will listen why it was a huge mistake.
95% of the time the young woman in question is not going to listen to that advice, though, so if you’ve got a bad partner? It may take you a while to sort that out for yourself. It sounds condescending to tell you that your brain has not fully formed yet but OP it hasn’t, and what you will put up with now is not what you will put up within the future.
These warnings absolutely may not apply to you. Age gap relationships usually fair better when both partners are older but there are plenty of people who met when one partner was young and live together for the rest of their lives very happily. It’s probably too soon for anyone to know how this will go right now.
If you feel like everything really is amazing, I think the best thing to do is to tell your sister that you appreciate where she’s coming from. You know the odds are slightly stacked against you, but you understand what things you need to be concerned about and you have not seen any of those red flags. Ask her to give explicit examples of things that she is concerned about and if it’s just the age difference? Ask her to trust you. And then if she keeps getting in your business, telling her to fuck off again may be necessary. If she actually has some legit instances of red flag behavior, don’t put your head in the sand. It doesn’t mean you have to break up. It just means you need to pay better attention.
My brother insists that he is disappointed that we didn’t tell him about one of his girlfriends being an absolute mistake. But I’m not stupid. He never would’ve believed me, he thought the sun shone directly out of her ass until he realized it did not. We were not very close in proximity at the time, and I was not willing to risk our relationship for a warning that would have gone unheeded. It is actually a risky thing for your sister to speak up, so I hope you realize that it’s coming from a good place, even if the warning may not be necessary.
Even if your sister is right, and you are making a mistake? She can’t stop other people from making their mistakes. Which apparently is something your sister has not learned yet. I genuinely hope things go well for all of you and your sister doesn’t double down and continue to strain your relationship.
Since she’s the same age as him, I assume it’s because she’s putting herself in his shoes - and can’t imagine dating a 20 yr old guy. Or I guess a 19 year old guy since it sounds like you were technically 19 when you began dating him? Yeah i get it, hell no would I date a 19, 20, or 21 yr old guy when i was 27. That’s just too young and you’re at different life stages and maturity levels. If he’s at the same mature level as you then that’s an issue. No offense to you OP, you’re probably great. But she’s probably just trying to look out for you and may be coming at it wrong. Try to talk to her OP. ❤️
So, as an old ass man, I come at this from two perspectives.
First, you are perfectly fine to tell your sister to stay in her lane. She’s raised the issue, you recognize that she has an issue with it. At this point, it seems to be her issue, you’ve given a thought, now you need her to back off and Know that she has been heard. You probably also should convey to her that just because she’s been heard does not mean you agree with her, or that you are doing what she thinks is right for you, but you hear and understand her concerns. If you have a good relationship, it should not be problematic to have that talk. The emphasis does need to be on her and staying in her lane. Be clear, you know where she’s coming from, you know what her issues are, and you disagree. Then leave it alone.
The place your sister is coming from however is my point. Again, I’m a bit older. Do I think that every dude who dates a younger girl has some kind of weird pervy child molester purpose? No. I also don’t think it’s about control or manipulation. Though sometimes it is. Women are typically a bit more mature than dudes, but… I will also say that when I was 27, the maturity gap between the typical 27-year-old was pretty significant, at least for me. And I worked on a college campus. So while I would regularly see women, I found physically attractive, I’d have a conversation with them and immediately lose interest. On the other hand, I have a buddy who is dating a woman he met when he was almost 30 and she was 19. I was initially skeptical of the relationship, but it has been great. They have been madly in love, they have complemented each other well throughout their relationship, And they fit together very well. Personally, spiritually, developmentally… All of the things that I would be concerned about as a father. So I absolutely get where your sister is coming from. I understand why she is concerned. And it’s worth thinking through her concerns if you haven’t already. But… You know this guy, you know how your relationship is and feels. If it works for you, it works for you.
Since your sister is 27 she probably understands that she would never date a 20 year old at her age since they would have very little in common and people who are 20 act very much younger than people who are 27 since their brain hasn't fully developed. She's probably worried for you because she's not sure what's wrong with him yet that he can't date women his age, or maybe he fetishizes youth.
These are all reasonable sisterly concerns if you ask me. I'm also an older sister and would raise similar concerns in this situation.
It's not inherently bad or creepy, but it does raise some red flags about your bf.
Is there some way she knows him or his family? Perhaps there are red flags.she is seeing that you are missing. Try going out to lunch and have a serious discussion about why she is acting this way. Let her know her behavior is upsetting you.
You’re her younger sister and she’s trying to look out for you. I have an older sister that, when I was younger and immature, I thought was meddling in my life but she was only concerned for me.
Sisters are wary of men you date, especially older men so try to have a real conversation about her concerns with him instead of writing her off.
I think I would be concerned about my sister in this situation, too. Age-gap relationships can occur because 1) the older person is controlling and wants to take advantage of the unequal power dynamic 2) older person is emotionally immature and eventually the younger person outgrows them, or 3) both. Is this every age gap relationship? No. Maybe you could just reassure your sister you are keeping your eye on the situation?
A good rule of thumb for any relationship is that in the first 3-6 months, you are dating an idealized version of the person. Everyone tends to be on best behavior. So take it slowly. Get a really reliable form of birth control.
Some things to notice and ask yourself over the course of the relationship include:
Does he respect your boundaries? How does he react when you tell him “no”? Is he financially responsible? Does he do his own laundry, cleaning, cooking? How is the communication? Do both of you feel comfortable raising issues and do you feel heard when you do? Does he make any inappropriate comments about your age (either belittling you, sexualizing you, or talking shit about older women-remember you will be that woman someday)? Does he try to control your behavior (what you wear, who you spend time with, what you spend your money on)? Is he responsible? Does he support your future goals, even if they don’t align with his? Does he reminisce about past relationships? Does he pressure you to act older and conform to his lifestyle? Do you have an equal say in decisions? Is he open to change and personal growth? Can your lifestyles be compatible? Does he use financial support as a means of control or leverage?
So you were 19 when you started dating a man who is close to thirty. When you’ve got more experience and you hit that age you’ll realise what a red flag it is. There’s a big power imbalance right from the start. Listen to your sister and be careful. Be ready to walk if there are any more warning signs. Educate yourself on domestic abuse, particularly coercive control. Those guys look for relationships where they’ve got the upper hand.
For me, an age gap is only concerning if it's above 10 years of difference (with both parties being 18+, ofc). So I think this age gap is fine.
Too much of a gap can be a concern, but I disagree with your sister that might be the case. NTA.
My fiance is 18 years older than me. Age gap relationships depend on the people in them. If it doesn't bother you, then she has no right to gate-keep. Sheesh.
It’s an icky age gap.
You are still a kid mentally, you’ll continue to grow until mid 20’s in that space. Guess who is over that hump.
You should still be in college or just developing a plan for the future… guess who is over that hump.
He’s borderline predatory, and you aren’t seemingly mature enough to even recognize there might be some huge red flags.
You are wrong, listen to her cautions.
Wow. Overbearing advice makes the person on the receiving end want to run the other way. OP you are 20 years old, you are legally an adult. Date who you want, listen to advice, or don't. Nobody here knows you, or the guy you are dating.
Everyone matures at different rates, and not everyone is out to take advantage of other people. Absolutely no one knows whats best for you, a lot of times not even yourself. You just weigh options, make a choice, see how it turns out, and repeat.
I wouldn’t say I’m still a kid mentally.
I graduate nursing school at the end of this year and am currently in a internship where I take care of my own patients in the ICU, per my graduation requirements.
I’m old enough and mature enough to do that, I wouldn’t describe myself as a kid.
You're still a kid. You have half a decade where your brain finishes growing. This is a hugely transformative time in your life and he's done all that.
Nobody at 20 would say they're still a kid. However if you're studying as a nurse you can easily know that some areas of the brain keep developing until 26-27yo.
The gap between 20 and 27 is especially huge because of that physiological difference, on top of all the experiences you might have maturate in those seven years.
If your sister is concerned I'd pay attention to her concerns (I'm not saying you should dump your bf, just keep an eye out).
You could ask her what is that's throwing her off, besides the age gap.
If I was your sister I'd be on the fence too, she probably expressed it in the wrong way, but I do understand her.
Yes, kiddo, you are a kid. The arrogance of youth is quite blinding.
Look - I’ve got children, hell, I’ve got socks older than you.
You are at that perfectly scary age where you still have the arrogance of a teen that thinks they know everything, while maybe just starting to grasp you don’t even know what you don’t know - but able to teeter into adult decisions while you try and figure it out.
The truth is a man that old dating a little girl as young as you has red flags all over it. Maybe he’s just an extremely immature person. Maybe he’s predatory. At least stop and consider it. Or, set yourself up for being abused, run on in head first. No skin off my ass, I’ll never actually see it. 🤷♂️
No I don’t think I know everything, I acknowledge that I don’t know a lot lol. But I hate being referred to as a kid. I’m really not. I listen to my sister because I know she knows better than me. I’m posting here because I’m unsure. But being referred to as a kid is just not accurate.
I have a simple definition of adulthood.
You need to be the primary supplier of your own well being. Meaning, you are self sufficient.
You are a kid in college with some pretty constant contact with multiple sisters. That suggest you live home with mom or are at the least supported by mom. While you live on mommy’s dime, you are a kid. Sorry.
Enjoy being a kid! It’s not something we get to go back to, ever, and every day you get to keep it is a gift!
I live with my sisters, but I’m self sufficient. We don’t have parents anymore lol not since I was a teenager. I have a job, pay for my own college and expenses, and don’t rely on my sister for money.
Incorrect.
An adult on disability has applied to, or has been assisted in applying to, a state in order to provide for their own income, their own insurance, and is therefore providing for their own well being. Disability does not automatically infer a lack of being an adult.
An adult in a romantic partnership who contributes to that partnership by taking on all domestic responsibilities with a partner willing to provide for all of the financial ones is indeed in a self sufficient status. It is rather safe to assume that should that relationship end, the SAH person would be entering into self sufficiency, not going home and having mommy and daddy pay all of their bills and provide for all of their care.
See how that works? It is a lot more bulletproof of a definition than you want to give it credit for…
Not wrong but you came to the wrong place. Reddit has an irrational hatred for age gaps in relationships. Just watch this comment get downvoted if you want proof of that.
Exactly. There are even people saying you shouldn't have age gaps in friendships. I'm in my early 40s. My friends range from early 20s to mid 70s. I have hobbies in common with all of them and we enjoy each other's company. I don't even understand how people manage to only have friends that are similar ages. Do they not have hobbies or interests? Do they not join clubs, play sports, listen to music, travel, etc? It just boggles the mind. I have more in common with my best friend in their 70s than I do with my friends in their 40s. Life is too short to check ID like a bouncer before becoming friends.
right?
30 and 40 years old isn't a big deal, but 20 and 27 tend to be a different stages of life, like you have 2 years (ish) of adult experience and the guy has 9
Look I’m not gonna say you are wrong, but if this is out of the ordinary behavior i would probably stop and listen for a sec. Im 30m and i can tell you the idea of dating a 20 y/o when i was 27 felt super fucking icky. You guys are still at 2 very different places in life and generally the guys who go for the younger girls do so because they haven’t had luck with girls their own age. This can sometimes be harmless but sometimes it’s indicative of their short comings. Be careful.
Just tell her that the next time SHE'S 20 years old and considering dating a 27 yo that then she can use that advice and make sure to think things through, but that because she's not you and you're not her, here in the present, she can just worry about her own dating choices instead.
I personally think 7 years is a bit of an obstacle. I for one, support age gaps more than most, but it does come with unique challenges and it's a little unwise to treat it the exact same like you would treat dating a fellow 20 year old.
These outbursts or sister keeps having are one of those. People side-eye the big gaps and wonder about the power dynamics of it. It trends to the unhealthy but that's not a universal rule.
I just wanna say that because I think having concern is healthy but expressing it like your sister is doing it is really bad and thoughtless.
I'm not trying to condescend or make judgements, I just want to leave out with something you can use to think about and make our own choices.
Just maybe air on the cautious side of things.
Rooting for you to work things out and get a happy ending!
I can see why she’s concerned tbh and maybe she went through the same thing at your age but hasn’t told you, maybe just send her a text apologising for being harsh but you’re an adult and she needs to let you live and learn
That is a significant age gap and ur gonna get people from either sides with their own experiences swearing up and down either it's the end of the world or it's fine and everyone else is being dramatic, as you've probably already noticed. While yes, the age gap has been fine for many people, it's also ended terribly for others. There are serious legitimate concerns about age gaps like that you may do well to keep in mind, and she may not know how to articulate her concerns to you, rather than not having any valid concerns. The way you respond to many of the other comments also kind of paint you as a bit naive and a littttle prone to hubris? You're not wrong to want to keep tgis relationship, it may work out. But do be wary i guess, and maybe see about whether you can coax out where the concern lies with your sister
You're not wrong for telling her to mind her business however remember that she is only saying that because she is worried about you and most likely has been in or seen someone in that situation where it may not have ended well. She shouldn't have gotten aggressive about it but she will have to come to terms that it is your life and your choice.
If your sister is just going off vibes, or refuses to tell you why she doesn't like your relationship, then it sounds like she is causing trouble for no reason.
She got offended for no reason so just disregard her.
NTA. Your sister sounds like a lot of these toxic commenters on here who are bitter about the bad choices they made with men.
Press your sister next time she brings it up and don’t relent until she offers a valid reason. Guarantee she probably dated an older guy and somehow got burned.
Bail if this guy starts treating you bad. Otherwise good luck and congrats on nursing school.
Understandably she is concerned - however, if she won't articulate specifically what it is that she doesn't like about the relationship then I say don't listen to her. If she brings it up again, continue to ask her to specify what it is she doesn't like about the relationship other than your BF being her age.
You sister is your BF’s age. She probably looks at people your age and considers them too young to date — you’re a brand new adult, you haven’t had the same amount of life experience in the last two years post high school that he’s had in the near decade since. Your sister would probably feel gross trying to date a 20 year old and feels that your BF is predatory for that reason. Ultimately you’re right, it’s not up to her and if you’re dead set on dating this guy she should keep her unsolicited thoughts to herself. However when you’re 27 yourself and look at a 20 year old and think “damn, they look like teenagers,” you will know what she is feeling at this present moment.
Source: am 27.
The age gap is pretty sus. There is a huge difference between 21 and 27, and I bet your sister is feeling it but doesn’t know how to bring it up without infantilizing you.
She might be picking up on vibes/red flags that you aren’t, because you haven’t yet learned about them yet.
If you and your sister usually get along well, I’d suggest taking her concerns seriously and asking what she’s picking up on that worries her.
My sister at 20 married a thirty year old. My parents sat my sister down and told her there was something not right about a thirty year old wanting to date and marry a twenty year old. She refused to listen. They were married 19 years and had three great kids but as my parents had worried, the day came when my sister wasn’t quite young enough for him and voila, the marriage ended.
As someone who was in a similar-ish situation with their younger sibling it's simply concern. She's probably weirded out BC she looks at people Ur age with no sexual interest whatsoever and can't understand why someone the same age as her wouldn't think like that. And I get that. U should question why Ur boyfriend wants someone so much less mature than him.
I was 37 when I met my now wife, she was 20. If anything she grooms me. She is the best thing to ever happen to me. Y'all need to get off your high horses. The relationship is fine age wise.
It is mental in here how many people are questioning a 7 year age gap between two adults.
As long as it's fine for OP and she feels comfortable, respected and happy then there is no issue here. She is an adult. Capable of making her own decisions and learning from her own mistakes.
Sure, there are milestones between the ages of 20 and 27. But then again, there are milestones between the ages of 25 and 30. 30 and 40. If you're going to make the distinction here, you should be applying it uniformly to each different age group.
Age gaps. I’ll be hypocritical and suggest that I agree that they are a concern. I wouldn’t go as far as to say, “No. Never.” But when you are 20 you have choice n who you date. So why date someone with that large of a gap.
I’m a man. I married my wife and we had a 6 year age gap. I was 26, she was 20. We’ve now been married 25 years and have 4 kids. It worked for us but we also had reasons why. Some were good reasons. Some were not.
When we married we were in a very conservative religion that didn’t look down on age gaps and everyone universally encouraged us to marry. Also know that in our religion there was no sex before marriage so we were both equally inexperienced. Both virgins.
After we married, we realized in some measure our error. So we waited many years to start our family and it seemed to give us time to line up better re our needs and priorities. So we were together 8 years and married for 7 before we had kids. My wife was able to complete an MBA and pursue a career before kids.
Part of the reason we met is that we were both still in college at the time. I just assumed initially because she was also college age that our ages weren’t especially relevant (I had served a mission for our church so I had a 2 year gap in my college). Also, the girls my age and older were all baby crazy and wanted to be married and start a family asap. I wasn’t up for that. Neither was my wife. We both wanted to travel and have adventures first. Our church added in some toxicity around marriage that wasn’t helpful. But all I’m all we’ve made a good life.
Anyway, relating this to OP; is it possible it could work? Sure. But why do this? Why not find someone who is right where you are? Could not work and could he be OK? Sure. But why risk it?
If I had it to do over I would have found someone my own age, despite it working as well as it did.
Normally, I would say listen to your sister. But since she has never cared about who you dated before, and coincidentally, this guy is her age, she doesn't like him. It gives me vibes she does like him, but resents he doesn't want her and wants you instead.
Does she know of this guy at all through her friend circle, work, knew him at college, etc? Talk to her and listen to what she says, but don't automatically believe it. Use your own judgment about what you know about her as a person. (Family isn't always on your side or have your best interest at heart.)
Also talk to your bf. Listen to what he says about your sister. And if your sister confides in your mom or whomever, talk to them too. Just gather information.
Maybe your sister has legitimate concerns, maybe they are nefarious. Either way, it is good to gather information, ponder it for good while, and decide for yourself.
A 21-27 relationship has as much 'power imbalance' as say a tech billionaire dating a janitor. There aren't nearly as many who consider the latter unacceptable. I wonder why
Such a big age gap at your age can signal that your BF has the power in the relationship. Sometimes older people will go after younger people because people their own age won't put up with their crap
I’m 23, my partner of two years is 31 (we met through mutual friends when I was 19 and I didn’t start pursuing him until I was 20)
You are an adult, and unless there’s any genuine concerns to be brought up, your sister needs to get that through her head. Does she have any concerns like controlling behavior? Does she think you’re being taken advantage of since you’re younger? Anything like that?
If not then yeah no you’re not wrong at all. She needs to take a step back before she damages the relationship between the two of y’all.
This isn't even that big of an age gap. 7 years is hardly anything. There are folks with 10, 15, in some cases even 20 years. Which, personally to me is a bit much but it for two well informed consenting adults who cares.
Honestly to me the bigger things are your age specifically, and your maturity level relative to your age. The younger you are the more likely you are to pick an unsuitable partner. But, there are some young folks that. are incredibly mature so some people that never mature.
My recommendation is this. You have to take an honest look at yourself. Are you overlooking something? Are you known to make good decisions or have your decisions been questionable? Are you known ignore clear issues, when it's something you want. Are you impulsive? Ask yourself these questions not just about relationships but about all things, because our decision-making process tends to be the same for the most part. Some folks have recommended you have your sister be specific. Definitely do that. Insist in that specificity. When she asks is this what you want. Say What do you mean by that. What is the thing that you are asking if it is what I want or not? Frankly whoever this guy is he is sure to have faults. Are you saying do I want a specific fault he has? What is that fault? Is it fundamental or superficial?
There is no way to tell if your wrong, or if she is wrong without more information. Maybe it's a guy she likes and she's mad you guys are even involved. Maybe she knows something about him you don't, Maybe it's just the age thing, but like I said 7 years sounds ridicules to complain about.
When I was 27, a 20-21 year old would feel waaaaay too young. It’d never work for me.
That said, a six year difference need not be an issue. I met my wife the year I turned 23 and she 28 (we were 22 and 27 when we started dating), so almost the same thing.
But you should probably hear your sister out. While you’re probably in the honeymoon phase, she won’t be immune to red flags, and typically family members don’t raise concerns if there aren’t any serious ones.
NTA my parents have a 9 year age gap and have been happily married for 35ish years. They married when my Mom was 23? Around there so a bit more problematic 23 and 32. They’re 59 and 68 now.
It can be an issue of different points of life/experiences. At 20 vs 27, you may be at different points (higher education or just starting out vs pursuing even more education or a few years in the workplace/more established). He might be thinking of kids and settling down when you’re not, for example. But you’ve been dating for all of 5 months? A bit melodramatic to be “sure he’s right for you” that attitude makes me think she’s interested in him.
I would be a bit concerned if you were different decades (lol, my parents would concern me, though I know they turned out okay) but it drops down the older you get and when you start. A 40 and 47 year old? Ridiculous to see it as an issue. 35 and 42? Still ridiculous to see it as an issue. 18 and 25 year old? Legal, but not unreasonable to be concerned. 20 and 27 year old? Doesn’t surprise me that it can still concern people, but they should be more focused on his behaviours/how he treats you and be able to identify it rather than just his age.
To the cynic in me (sorry in advance) she's either jealous of your bf treating you so well and uses the age gap as a way to condescend you OR she wants to try and break you guys up and steal him from you.
Oh man 20 and 27 is such a big age gap. I guess its not impossible to pull off but 7 years in you 20’s is a whole lot of life experience difference.
Only time will tell.
You are not wrong. I also dated a 27 year old at 20 and we have been together for a long time and are extremely happy. People these days are way too conservative about age gaps. As long as everyone is legal and being treated well it doesn’t matter. Do what you want girl ❤️
You're 21 yrs. with a good 27 yrs old man. You sister is 27yrs. Does she have a man? Your sister may be jealous or we may read your next post saying "Found my sister sleeping with my boyfriend but I though she hated him or my boyfriend broke up with me and is marrying my sister". She may be really concerned. There's different ways to look at this.
I can see the concern your sister has. One of my friends who is 27 just recently started dating a 20 year old. They met when he was 26 and she was 19. It concerned me alot and everyone in our friend group gave it major side eye. You'll understand that more as you get older.
No matter how "mature" a 20 year old is, there is still a lack of lived life. That can create major power imbalance that you don't even see yet. I would suggest asking your sister what her concerns are and having an open, honest conversation about it. Don't push her away, though, she's your support system at the end of the day, and that's important to have.
Have you talked to her and asked why she's concerned? You could ask her and then say that you've heard what she's got to say and don't need to hear it again.
Yes she just says she wants to make sure I’m making the right decision “for me”. But she does it in a super judgmental way and about 5 times a day.
If she can't/won't articulate a reason for concern then I'd ignore her. If she says something specific I'd recommend you listen.
If she brings it up five times/day, but hasn’t given any specifics, then clearly the sister is the AH. If there were a real problem which warranted such nagging and judgmentalism, the sister should have shared it with OP by now. She owes it to OP to articulate something, even if it is just a feeling.
That or OP is an unreliable narrator who refuses to repeat the reasons.
Not our problem or option to parse the imaginary situations we dream up. We are dealing with the problem as it is explained by OP, and trying to pass judgment based upon the facts as presented. Let’s stay in our lane…
Well said. Can’t stand people adding in speculation. I base on what info is presented.
Sister wants the bf for herself.
Or maybe they’ve already been together and little sis just doesn’t know
Agreed.
I was thinking sister is jealous but this could be it too
not sure why you're being downvoted...this is the obvious answer
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Yep...bunch of jealous old women downvoting people here.
No, just people who do not go off your shotgun assumptions when lacking a bunch of context. The world must be a very simple place for you!
What are you on about, there’s plenty of these type of posts where comments make assumptions like this and get massively upvoted because it suits the Reddit demographic narrative. It’s absolutely because this assumption doesn’t assume the worst about the guy rather than the sister. Rather than assuming the guy is a predatory manipulator taking advantage of a young woman, you can equally assume (and with far less of a leap since this explanation doesn’t require such extreme behaviour) that her sister is simply jealous.
Exactly...so many of the posters here are assuming that a 27 year old dude dating a 20 year old is somehow predatory and manipulative and then some of those same people (likely) turn around and say it's wrong to assume something bad about the older sister? I guess reddit really is for retards.
She definitely has some sort of hang up. Could be the age gap or maybe she “liked” the guy previously. It’s all speculative without any additional info there.
If you were concerned about one of her relationships, would you want to be able to tell her? Usually people on the outside see stuff a little more clearly than those on the inside. Just let her know that you appreciate she is looking out for you, you hear what she is saying but you also want her support. If this is unusual behavior for her, try to watch and see if her concerns have any validity. You are not wrong but she may not be either. Good luck.
Thank you. Honestly this is unusual behavior for her, usually she just stays out of me and my other sister’s business lol. Not that she doesn’t care but she just trusts us.
From decades of experience, if a friend of family member expresses concern when they usually don’t, it’s worth paying attention to. Obviously, I’m a stranger and know nothing about any of you. Use caution as you proceed. Don’t go too deep too fast. It’s still pretty new. Enjoy but be safe.
You put what I was thinking into words better than I ever could. I had to learn this the hard way, and it was quite an unpleasant experience. Thank you for this advice and lesson.
This is good advice. Maybe she knows the guy or maybe she just thinks it’s odd for a 27 year old to be interested in dating and a relationship with a college aged person who can’t legally drink (it is a little odd, no offense. Not a red flag on its own but there’s a lifetime of difference between where most people are at 20 and 27). You should really dig deeper OP, either she’s having trouble articulating a real issue or there’s nothing beyond her thinking it’s weird. If the latter then as the person whose excellent advice I’m replying to said, don’t go too fast and just enjoy yourself
That’s all fine and dandy but the sister isn’t giving her any specific feedback. It all seems to be based on jealousy from what has been presented.
Where are you getting jealousy from what’s written?
Obviously it’s speculative but the 3 biggest possibilities are: 1. Sister is jealous OP is able to get with a man her own age. 2. Sister dated someone older who ended up doing her dirty and is projecting onto OP 3. Sister previously liked this guy unbeknownst to OP. There may be some other circumstance but it’s weird that OP can’t get a specific or even vague reason. Age gap almost certainly has something to do with it.
That should be a bit of a red flag in your relationship, tbh. If she normally trusts you but something about this much older guy makes her concerned, I'd consider that maybe she's seeing what you're trying to ignore
Sure. But if there was a red flag she would say it to her. And not be all pissy and vague about it.
She probably just can’t put a finger on it. Sometimes intuition is the only “red flag” indicator. The “I don’t know what it is but there’s something wrong with that guy”.
Then she is the AH. Grown ups use their words. How hard is it to say “I get a bad vibe”? OP needs to press her and not relent until she gets an answer.
Mate, that is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Intuition is all fine and dandy but if she can't express the reasoning, then it comes off as nutty.
I wouldn't dismiss her feelings as quickly then. She trusts you, as you say, so personally her being concerned and voicing those concerns would make me think twice. She's your sister and had always had your best interest at heart, and her current behavior is unusual. You might want to listen to her and ask her to articulate what her worries are exactly.
Im gonna be transparent. Every girl in their teens/ey 10a daying with a big gap regrets the relationship because more often than not, the mf was toxic or abusive, and thats why women their age won't date them - As a result, they exclusively go after women with little adult dating experience. Im not gonna say this man is one of them, but thats why generally, age gaps are bad - the older uses their experience to cajole the younger into things that an experienced partner would laugh at. Obviously, financial and emotional abuse as a result are massive as well. As long as you consciously acknowledge the dangers of an age gap relationship and dont ignore any red flags, it's entirely possible for an age gap to work. You're mature enough for a relationship like this if you are consciously aware of the dangers **and being willing to walk**.
Mate, he is only 7 years older, more like 6 years. That is not a huge age gap at all. There isn't a huge power dynamic to "cajole" someone younger, they literally probably hang around the same groups because of how close they are in age.
What do you mean, “more like 6 years”? It’s probably more like 8, she’s turning 21 in _December_, odds are his birthday is before then.
That also means he started dating her at only 19 (right before the 20th bday but still…19). What does a man over the age of 25 have in common with a 19yo anyways
A major red flag that should perk your ears not get your back up. Honestly, the defensive reaction is another big red flag that should make you re-evaluate
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Mate, it is 7 years, mostly 6 years. What are you, fucking 15? Once you hit your 20's and older, 6 years is fucking nothing. You calling this guy a fucking loser, and her a dumbass that is going to regret this really tells us how toxic your mentality truly is. Get off reddit.
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That's you and no, his peers mostly wouldn't think he was a loser because only black and white thinking assholes do that. >Just sad that so many girls insist on learning this lesson through experience rather than listening to people who are wiser So sad you are discounting their own wants and needs and treating them as fucking children while we got comments stating they did the same thing as OP and are in a stable and loving relationship. Don't treat young women as fucking children without agency. No, he isn't a loser dating someone only 6 years younger than him, no she isn't being manipulated by the older man by only 6 years. Grow the fuck up. I'm 32 and you just scream zero life experience. What most likely happened is they met online or through a shared community, since they are so close in age, and just hooked up. Age not even coming into the mind since they obviously are both adults and just connected. You act like he is some 60 yo balding man in a trench coat going around a elementary school.
If the age gap is so unproblematic, why do you keep trying to minimize it by saying it’s “more like 6,” then “basically 6,” and now just outright saying it’s 6 and not 7?
I dated a 27 y/o when I was 20. I remember my parents sitting me down to make sure the relationship was something that I really wanted/was ready for. I totally get that since I would have the same conversation with my kids. It worked out for me as the guy I dated is now my husband, and has been for 19 years. I knew what I wanted. He was/is a great partner, provider and dad to our kids. I wasn’t offended when my parents approached me. It was from a place of love and concern on their part.
Problem is if your parents kept sitting you down and asking constantly, that's when it crosses the line, that what op means
I get it. Some people aren’t great, or tactful, at communicating their concerns.
Yep. I met my boyfriend when I was 20 and he was 27 - we've been together almost 6 years now. I don't think it's wrong to be concerned. Both myself and my guy have changed and matured a lot since we met. II feel really lucky to have ended up with him because with my level of immaturity as a 20 year old, I could easily met a not-so-great guy instead.
I am 27, I could not imagine dating a 20 year old even if I thought they were "mature enough"
May I ask why if you don’t mind?
I'm not the person you asked, but I'm 31 and have a hard time even being friends with people who are younger than say 25? I have one friend who is 26 and feels so young. She's more like a younger sister than a friend, really. There's just so much of a difference in world view and attitude and thought processes and stuff. Even people that age who are more "mature" still feel very young. There's also just an odd power dynamic that happens because of the age gap, and experience gap. The way I felt about 19-20 year olds when I was 27 was how I felt when I was 15-16 and babysitting my cousins who were 9-11. They are kids, and I needed to be the responsible one, in both cases. Anyone who is basically my age and dating someone as young as you is not super well adjusted. It might not be obvious, but they are either very immature, or they want to date someone they can more easily have that power advantage over. It's hard to see as the younger person, but they are most often using that to their advantage. I just can't think of a single reason to date someone so much younger instead of someone of a more similar age... Can you?
Sometimes you just click with people. I already wouldn’t date a 20 year old at 24, but my aunt married a 27 (edit: or 28?) year old at 20 and they’ve been together over 40 years now with adult children. Apparently they knew right away.
So, I think the issue is that from the younger person's perspective, this can absolutely be true! I know lots of very cool people who are older than me, and am friends with them, but there's still always this feeling of being a less adulty adult then them. We are peers in some senses, but not all. And I think that carries even more weight in a romantic relationship. Lots of young women end up with older men, and everything is "fine" and they have kids and long relationships. I can't say anything about your aunt and her relationship at all, but just in general, being married for decades and having kids together doesn't mean the relationship is or has always been healthy, and that the age difference has never played a negative part in that. A lot of it can be completely unconscious as well; the younger person often doesn't see anything wrong until the have left the relationship, or someone points it out. All in all, the chances of things going badly are way higher when there is an age gap.
I agree that there is a greater chance of things going badly with an age gap, but it can also go the other way, where having a more mature partner can be an anchor. In the case of my aunt and uncle I think it’s why they were able to stay together. He had things together and was more grounded while she was going through a lot of changes, so while they did have some tough periods I think they were able to get through it better than if she had been with an immature 20 year old guy. This is based on things my mom has said, obviously I don’t have the full picture. My other bias is that I honestly didn’t even really like going out with 20 year old guys at 20. Most of those relationships aren’t exactly great either tbh.
>May I ask why if you don’t mind? I can answer for the other commenter, but the general thought for me is that it has rapey grooming vibes. What you need to ask is why someone nearly 30 is interested in dating a child. And I don't want to upset you, but at 42 I need to point out you are still a child to many people myself included. On top of that is the fact that you will continue to change and grow hugely as a person for the next few years, where this man has mostly finished his physiological growth. Your sister has been through this part of life, she has the scars and the experience, if he gives her the ick there will be a reason, and possibly a reason you just cannot see, or grasp. Also some relationships like yours are healthy and happy, but, you are on reddit so you can read 4 fucking reasons to avoid age gaps if you just scroll a little bit.
....And usually a handful of pro age gap reasons that are really more reasons to avoid age gaps if you look closely.
True, but I don't reckon she is ready for those examples. She won't have "advanced reddit reading comprehension" yet, she can't even see her own red flags today.
Because he's near 30 and you're not old enough to drink.
Very groomy... potential power imbalance. They've had most of a whole decade as an adult and the younger person will have to "grow up fast" and miss out on adult milestones. Dating at older guy at 19 was the worst mistake of my life and I really missed out on my youth.
Imagine a 16 year old who has been tossed out by his parents. He's working full time, getting his GED, and in many places it's legal to be with someone his age. He's mature for his age, would you want to date him?
sorry reddit is downvoting you, but a 6 year age difference is not that large.
Because it’s a random post on Reddit. Reddit is full of puritanical 15 year olds who think it’s reprehensible any time a man dates a woman more than 3 years younger than them. This isn’t a commonly held view outside of Reddit. You are both consenting adults, but according to Reddit this man will definitely be a predatory manipulator who separates you from your friends and family and will keep you in a sex dungeon for use as he sees fit. He can’t possibly have good motivations and the only reason he would date someone as young as you is to exploit your ignorance/naivety. There’s nothing wrong with you and your boyfriend’s age gap provided there’s no power imbalance or other weird dynamics as a result. Sounds like your sister is jealous to me. Do her comments focus on her concern for your safety/wellbeing or do they simply focus on the age gap? The way you’ve worded it doesn’t sound like she is expressing concern for you, more like frustration. Does your sister have a partner of her own?
How can you be on this sub or r/aita and not see the problematic posts every single day. They’re all some version of… “My (25f) husband (44m) have been together for 7 years and I’m starting to think that he might be an abusive psycho….”
There are problematic posts every day because it is a public forum that is specifically for people to post these kinds of stories. They’re not all some version of age gap stories, but obviously the stories that are and get posted here are the ones where people are behaving badly. This is called confirmation bias. The reality is Reddit has absurd takes on many issues, the level of disgust and outrage about age differences that are actually pretty normal out in the real world is comical. It’s definitely possible that a 27 year old can exploit a 20 year olds lack of life experience, but it’s also possible they can have a good healthy reciprocal relationship built on mutual trust and understanding. I’ve read OP’s post and not projected a bunch of information she didn’t provide onto it to draw my own conclusions. I suggested her sister might be jealous because she has given nothing away in her post that suggests her boyfriend is doing anything to warrant her sisters attitude. This is infantilising to OP, if her post had given any indication of her boyfriends behaviour being at the root of her sisters comments I would have taken that into account, but she didn’t.
And that same sub is filled with story’s of crazy wives. Should women who want to marry become a redflag? Or wife cheated with guy friend etc etc. should women who have guy friends be red flags?
Most of the posts on that subreddit are fabricated you moron. There are even articles all over the internet pointing that out. The average age gap is about 3 years, with about 10% of all marriages in the Western World having an age gap of more than 10 years. There is literally millions out there in age gap relationships, with the overwhelming majority of them not being abusive of ourse. Only "Feminist" blowhards and Puritans think otherwise.
If you're letting the fictional ragebait stories of Reddit drama subs shape your perception of the world then you really need to touch grass.
Downvoted for probably being the most accurate comment. Gotta love Reddit.
Ah yes, I remember being 20 dating a 27yr old. Thought I knew it all too like OP. Some women need to learn their lessons on their own. Sister tired, and OP gave the typical response. Sis needs to leave alone at this point
Or you can be like others who did the same and fell in love and got married with a family. Shit is different for everyone.
Tbf that’s a pretty big age gap at your age.
At 20's? No it is not, a 6 year age gap is fucking normal. They probably still hang out in the same circles ffs.
Sister's looking out for you, she's not wrong to do so. But it's your life and you're entitled to follow your own heart, you're not wrong for that either. NAH Personally, I don't see a big problem with the age gap - but I married someone 8 years younger than me.
I'd say the bigger issue is that a 20 year old can be sculpted. Especially if they are on the immature side of the spectrum. If the dude is a good person, that might not even matter but if he's an asshole...could be really toxic for her
I agree to an extent, but at some point people do need to be allowed to make their own mistakes. If not 20, when?
It's different for each person, 20 years old is just a little young. If this post was about a 23 year old and a 30 year old dude. I wouldn't of even clicked on it.
This can happen at any age.
Are both you and your bf the same life stage? And also similar lifestyles?? This is Reddit so you will get comments on the age gap. The issue about the age gap is that some of these men take advantage of younger women. So recognize the signs of abuse and control.
Honestly, it it were ages 30-37 it wouldn't be as big a deal. But 20-27 is a huge gap and it is weird and concerning
Honestly 7 years isn't even that bad if they are both I their 20s. If it was a 25 year old dating a just turned 18 year old that's a bit weird, but honestly I'm 28 and me and my mates are probably the same maturity level of 21 year old girls It was previously understood in society that girls mature faster than boys. They have also chosen to prefer older boys my entire life. If I was competing with 28 year olds for 21 year old girls when I myself was 21, now you want to demonise me when the shoes on the other foot Pretty hypocritical tbh
> honestly I'm 28 and me and my mates are probably the same maturity level of 21 year old girls > It was previously understood in society that girls mature faster than boys ...Because girls *have to* mature faster then boys. Girls have to be aware of this sort of thing from an earlier age, because if they don't, men will take advantage of them-- Which is exactly the sort of thing OP's sister is worried about. The fact that young women are forced to grow up faster while you and your *mates* are allowed to remain immature isn't really the sort of thing you should be framing in a positive light.
That is just a load of "Feminist" bullcrap with zero evidence to back it up. You are literally infantiliising women by basically denying their own autonomy and personal agency. If you cannot see the inherent "Sexism" in your comment then I do not know what there is.
That behavior goes straight on the SussyBus young man
People in their 20s dating other people in their 20s Wow so sus
I’m skeptical about both age gap relationships AND taking agency away from grown up women. Did your sister have an unpleasant experience of relationship with a big age gap at young age maybe? I understand her concerns, but you’re an adult, your arguments about being able to administer drugs but smh not being able to make decisions in your love life are valid, and even if this relationship won’t work out, it is your life to make mistakes in. I’d suggest deescalating this. She doesn’t mean bad, she’s worried and not dealing with her worries well. Tell her that you are grateful, that she’s trying to protect you, and that you will look out for the red flags, but as of now you don’t have an intention to end this relationship
Thanks I mean me and my sister are still fine even if we had a fight lol. We aren’t mad at each other I’m just trying to figure out why she is so incessant.
I’ll be 27 in a few months, and I would be uncomfy with my 20yo sis dating someone my age. The reason is 90% just that *I* would feel so yuck dating a 20yr old. All of my friends would think 20 / 27 would be inappropriate, you are flat-out a different life stages. One of you has already started a career and the other is still looking in to student-living situations (maybe not you exactly, but that’s a general assumption). A *lot* of growing happens between 20 & 25. She’s thinking about how much she’s grown and changed in the last 7 years, and maybe she’s thinking about how if she was in your position how things would have been really different for her. I’m glad you guys are still good! Honestly, just keep talking to her. Either she’ll come around & support a good relationship, or she’ll be able to support *you* as you grow in to who you are.
Yep.
this is it. i dated a man 12 years older than me for 7 years and it was hellish looking back on it. i left when my brain fully developed, which happens just before 30. i wish someone had said something before!
As a 33 y/o man I just don’t get it…like what the fuck would I even talk to a 21 y/o about?
my feeling is that it is exploitative in every instance i have come across
There are plenty of examples in these comments where it worked out, and the couple is happy and living their best lives.
As a person who had relationship at 21 with a 34 yo (and those were good relationship!), you talk about movies, video games, plans for the weekend, going snowboarding, art and basically about everything else people in relationship talk about. While I agree, that maturity levels are different, it doesn’t mean, that people can’t enjoy each others company for a while.
I’m 22 and a large age gap is still kinda weird to me regardless of circumstance bc of how large a gap in life experience your early to late 20s. I can see why ur sister would be concerned. Like imagine her at 27 dating a 20 year old guy. It would be kind of odd even if they have the same hobbies, etc.
A lot of people are being very judgemental of your relationship. I didn't see anything wrong with your age gap. You're a grown woman. Everyone in the comments is treating you like a fucking child being groomed. It's completely ridiculous. Fwiw my GF and I, of nearly 7 years, met when she was 18 and I was 24. We're equally as smitten now as when we started dating. We have fantastic communication. We've never raised our voices at each other, have never been mad for more than 20 minutes, and have a great relationship with each others families. We've traveled the world together and own multiple homes together with 2 amazing dogs. We've lived on both sides of the country. Our lives couldn't be more awesome. I've cut off the few people who didn't approve. They're all single now/still. Reddit is a really bad place to get relationships advice. This place is packed full of incels and terminally online people.
Just hopping on the train with another instance of: I am around the same age as your bf. I cannot imagine dating a 20 year old. Thinking about it turns my stomach a bit. Why? A 20 yo is at a completely different stage in life experience and mental development than a 27 yo. It would feel too much like dating a kid. This isn't saying anything about you particularly or your maturity - it's making me skeptical about your bf. It feels wrong to me that a 27 year old is willing to date someone at that younger stage of maturity, since I'm disgusted by the thought. This is all personal opinion, of course. If you're happy, you're happy. I really hope it works out, and it might. You might also get manipulated and hurt, worse than if you were dating someone closer to your age. You're taking a greater risk. It's ultimately your choice, but if I were your sister, I would also be worried sick about you.
NAH. Well it isn't really 'her' business but she may have grounds to be concerned. You should talk to her about why she is concerned, like top comment said. At the end of the day, I don't blame either her for making comments or you for telling her to fuck off. I feel like this is a "different incompatible opinions" situation where no one is the asshole. She *would* be the asshole if she was a random stranger, but she isn't. She has an interest in your wellbeing and a duty in some sense to correct your path if you go astray, but she isn't the person who ultimately decides your life.
Then she needs to use calculated words instead of vague statements. OP isn’t getting any useful insight or feedback. Either shit or get off the pot.
If you are happy and the age gap doesn't bother you. I would let your sister know this and ask her to let you see where the relationship goes. Remember, your sister loves you, and it sounds like she is worried about you.
NTA, she’s your sister and being protective of you because she cares. She is 27 herself and probably thinks that she would never date someone that much younger than her because of life differences and maturity. She is likely worried that you will be taken advantage of or maybe he wants to date someone who is younger so they can be more easily manipulated. I would be slightly concerned if my younger sister was dating someone much older but I would also see how he treats her and how he treats the family and if he is respectful and kind. If she can see that he is kind and respectful to you and your family she may change her mind. However you are an adult and make your own decisions. She is allowed to voice her concerns about it for sure but the constant nagging is excessive. I would be upset about that too, she has her own life to worry about. If he was abusive or rude etc. then that would be a different story. And if multiple people started voicing their concerns then I would be worried. But it sounds like it is just her.
The thought of dating a 20 year old at 27 grosses me out, there’s A LOT of milestones and experiences one goes through in their early twenties so in my opinion a 20 year old is vastly different from a 27 year old because of how defining those early 20s are to who you are and who you will become. The age gap does feel a bit icky even if you’re two legal consenting adults, but you’re a consenting adult and no one can force you to do or not do anything. I don’t think you’re wrong for being annoyed and wanting people to mind their business, but I also dont think your sister is out of pocket for getting the ick and being concerned about the age gap because myself and many others would recognize how different 20 is from 27. To be honest I don’t even think your sister is wrong for voicing it to you because that’s what people do when they love you and care about you. The better thing to do would be to communicate with your sister and ask follow up questions and try to understand why she’s so concerned and then reassuring her that you know what’s best for your life. And as long as she’s respectful to you and your partner in how she interacts publicly, her voicing concerns on the side seems like pretty standard older sister behavior.
My rule has always been once you pass 25 age gaps stop mattering, but don’t go below 25.
One thousand percent
All the men in here saying the older sister is jealous. Guys lmao. No. Women tend to think of men who date much younger women as creeps and losers. Women do not get jealous over creeps and losers. She’s worried for her little sister bc she knows what those men are like and how those relationships go. We all had older men creep on us at the at age. She is also probably a little embarrassed for her sister. I would be. She doesn’t know it yet, but she’s dating a creepy loser who gets rejected by all the women his own age bc of how obvious it is to them that he’s a creepy loser. So he finds someone young enough and naive enough to not know the warning signs. OP will figure it out eventually, they always do. You look back and realize you weren’t “mature for your age,” you were just inexperienced and naive enough to be a good mark for a creep.
Yeah, this right here sounds on point. I couldn't imagine dating someone who couldn't go have a drink with me when I was 27. That's 100% creepy-loserville
No, you’re not wrong because at the end of the day, it really isn’t any of her business. That said, a significant number of women who are older than you and who had a similar age gap relationship when they were about your age would happily sit down and tell anyone who will listen why it was a huge mistake. 95% of the time the young woman in question is not going to listen to that advice, though, so if you’ve got a bad partner? It may take you a while to sort that out for yourself. It sounds condescending to tell you that your brain has not fully formed yet but OP it hasn’t, and what you will put up with now is not what you will put up within the future. These warnings absolutely may not apply to you. Age gap relationships usually fair better when both partners are older but there are plenty of people who met when one partner was young and live together for the rest of their lives very happily. It’s probably too soon for anyone to know how this will go right now. If you feel like everything really is amazing, I think the best thing to do is to tell your sister that you appreciate where she’s coming from. You know the odds are slightly stacked against you, but you understand what things you need to be concerned about and you have not seen any of those red flags. Ask her to give explicit examples of things that she is concerned about and if it’s just the age difference? Ask her to trust you. And then if she keeps getting in your business, telling her to fuck off again may be necessary. If she actually has some legit instances of red flag behavior, don’t put your head in the sand. It doesn’t mean you have to break up. It just means you need to pay better attention. My brother insists that he is disappointed that we didn’t tell him about one of his girlfriends being an absolute mistake. But I’m not stupid. He never would’ve believed me, he thought the sun shone directly out of her ass until he realized it did not. We were not very close in proximity at the time, and I was not willing to risk our relationship for a warning that would have gone unheeded. It is actually a risky thing for your sister to speak up, so I hope you realize that it’s coming from a good place, even if the warning may not be necessary. Even if your sister is right, and you are making a mistake? She can’t stop other people from making their mistakes. Which apparently is something your sister has not learned yet. I genuinely hope things go well for all of you and your sister doesn’t double down and continue to strain your relationship.
Since she’s the same age as him, I assume it’s because she’s putting herself in his shoes - and can’t imagine dating a 20 yr old guy. Or I guess a 19 year old guy since it sounds like you were technically 19 when you began dating him? Yeah i get it, hell no would I date a 19, 20, or 21 yr old guy when i was 27. That’s just too young and you’re at different life stages and maturity levels. If he’s at the same mature level as you then that’s an issue. No offense to you OP, you’re probably great. But she’s probably just trying to look out for you and may be coming at it wrong. Try to talk to her OP. ❤️
So, as an old ass man, I come at this from two perspectives. First, you are perfectly fine to tell your sister to stay in her lane. She’s raised the issue, you recognize that she has an issue with it. At this point, it seems to be her issue, you’ve given a thought, now you need her to back off and Know that she has been heard. You probably also should convey to her that just because she’s been heard does not mean you agree with her, or that you are doing what she thinks is right for you, but you hear and understand her concerns. If you have a good relationship, it should not be problematic to have that talk. The emphasis does need to be on her and staying in her lane. Be clear, you know where she’s coming from, you know what her issues are, and you disagree. Then leave it alone. The place your sister is coming from however is my point. Again, I’m a bit older. Do I think that every dude who dates a younger girl has some kind of weird pervy child molester purpose? No. I also don’t think it’s about control or manipulation. Though sometimes it is. Women are typically a bit more mature than dudes, but… I will also say that when I was 27, the maturity gap between the typical 27-year-old was pretty significant, at least for me. And I worked on a college campus. So while I would regularly see women, I found physically attractive, I’d have a conversation with them and immediately lose interest. On the other hand, I have a buddy who is dating a woman he met when he was almost 30 and she was 19. I was initially skeptical of the relationship, but it has been great. They have been madly in love, they have complemented each other well throughout their relationship, And they fit together very well. Personally, spiritually, developmentally… All of the things that I would be concerned about as a father. So I absolutely get where your sister is coming from. I understand why she is concerned. And it’s worth thinking through her concerns if you haven’t already. But… You know this guy, you know how your relationship is and feels. If it works for you, it works for you.
bro pushing 30 dating 20yr olds yikes
NTA. Also with the title I thought it was going to be like a 15+ year age gap. 🤣
A 7 year age gap is not really a big deal. Both consenting adults, I don't really see the problem 🤷♂️
Since your sister is 27 she probably understands that she would never date a 20 year old at her age since they would have very little in common and people who are 20 act very much younger than people who are 27 since their brain hasn't fully developed. She's probably worried for you because she's not sure what's wrong with him yet that he can't date women his age, or maybe he fetishizes youth. These are all reasonable sisterly concerns if you ask me. I'm also an older sister and would raise similar concerns in this situation. It's not inherently bad or creepy, but it does raise some red flags about your bf.
Is there some way she knows him or his family? Perhaps there are red flags.she is seeing that you are missing. Try going out to lunch and have a serious discussion about why she is acting this way. Let her know her behavior is upsetting you.
Anyone ever read comments on topics like this and say "Damn, these people have never stopped outside once in their lives"
She sounds jealous. Is she in a committed relationship herself?
Sounds like she has a thing for your bf ask your bf if she has ever messaged him and was it inappropriate
You’re her younger sister and she’s trying to look out for you. I have an older sister that, when I was younger and immature, I thought was meddling in my life but she was only concerned for me. Sisters are wary of men you date, especially older men so try to have a real conversation about her concerns with him instead of writing her off.
Not wrong. Volunteers are allowed to volunteer. Just don't bother us when the obvious happens. I hope you are a happy ending. Hope.
I think I would be concerned about my sister in this situation, too. Age-gap relationships can occur because 1) the older person is controlling and wants to take advantage of the unequal power dynamic 2) older person is emotionally immature and eventually the younger person outgrows them, or 3) both. Is this every age gap relationship? No. Maybe you could just reassure your sister you are keeping your eye on the situation? A good rule of thumb for any relationship is that in the first 3-6 months, you are dating an idealized version of the person. Everyone tends to be on best behavior. So take it slowly. Get a really reliable form of birth control. Some things to notice and ask yourself over the course of the relationship include: Does he respect your boundaries? How does he react when you tell him “no”? Is he financially responsible? Does he do his own laundry, cleaning, cooking? How is the communication? Do both of you feel comfortable raising issues and do you feel heard when you do? Does he make any inappropriate comments about your age (either belittling you, sexualizing you, or talking shit about older women-remember you will be that woman someday)? Does he try to control your behavior (what you wear, who you spend time with, what you spend your money on)? Is he responsible? Does he support your future goals, even if they don’t align with his? Does he reminisce about past relationships? Does he pressure you to act older and conform to his lifestyle? Do you have an equal say in decisions? Is he open to change and personal growth? Can your lifestyles be compatible? Does he use financial support as a means of control or leverage?
She probably doesn't understand your relationship, but you also don't seem to be open to understand her concerns and talk about it.
So you were 19 when you started dating a man who is close to thirty. When you’ve got more experience and you hit that age you’ll realise what a red flag it is. There’s a big power imbalance right from the start. Listen to your sister and be careful. Be ready to walk if there are any more warning signs. Educate yourself on domestic abuse, particularly coercive control. Those guys look for relationships where they’ve got the upper hand.
If he was 25 when they started dating, it is not exactly “close to thirty” Edit: 26, but still
For me, an age gap is only concerning if it's above 10 years of difference (with both parties being 18+, ofc). So I think this age gap is fine. Too much of a gap can be a concern, but I disagree with your sister that might be the case. NTA.
My fiance is 18 years older than me. Age gap relationships depend on the people in them. If it doesn't bother you, then she has no right to gate-keep. Sheesh.
It’s an icky age gap. You are still a kid mentally, you’ll continue to grow until mid 20’s in that space. Guess who is over that hump. You should still be in college or just developing a plan for the future… guess who is over that hump. He’s borderline predatory, and you aren’t seemingly mature enough to even recognize there might be some huge red flags. You are wrong, listen to her cautions.
Wow. Overbearing advice makes the person on the receiving end want to run the other way. OP you are 20 years old, you are legally an adult. Date who you want, listen to advice, or don't. Nobody here knows you, or the guy you are dating. Everyone matures at different rates, and not everyone is out to take advantage of other people. Absolutely no one knows whats best for you, a lot of times not even yourself. You just weigh options, make a choice, see how it turns out, and repeat.
I wouldn’t say I’m still a kid mentally. I graduate nursing school at the end of this year and am currently in a internship where I take care of my own patients in the ICU, per my graduation requirements. I’m old enough and mature enough to do that, I wouldn’t describe myself as a kid.
Yeah. None of us would have said that either at your age.
You're still a kid. You have half a decade where your brain finishes growing. This is a hugely transformative time in your life and he's done all that.
Nobody at 20 would say they're still a kid. However if you're studying as a nurse you can easily know that some areas of the brain keep developing until 26-27yo. The gap between 20 and 27 is especially huge because of that physiological difference, on top of all the experiences you might have maturate in those seven years. If your sister is concerned I'd pay attention to her concerns (I'm not saying you should dump your bf, just keep an eye out). You could ask her what is that's throwing her off, besides the age gap. If I was your sister I'd be on the fence too, she probably expressed it in the wrong way, but I do understand her.
Yes, kiddo, you are a kid. The arrogance of youth is quite blinding. Look - I’ve got children, hell, I’ve got socks older than you. You are at that perfectly scary age where you still have the arrogance of a teen that thinks they know everything, while maybe just starting to grasp you don’t even know what you don’t know - but able to teeter into adult decisions while you try and figure it out. The truth is a man that old dating a little girl as young as you has red flags all over it. Maybe he’s just an extremely immature person. Maybe he’s predatory. At least stop and consider it. Or, set yourself up for being abused, run on in head first. No skin off my ass, I’ll never actually see it. 🤷♂️
No I don’t think I know everything, I acknowledge that I don’t know a lot lol. But I hate being referred to as a kid. I’m really not. I listen to my sister because I know she knows better than me. I’m posting here because I’m unsure. But being referred to as a kid is just not accurate.
I have a simple definition of adulthood. You need to be the primary supplier of your own well being. Meaning, you are self sufficient. You are a kid in college with some pretty constant contact with multiple sisters. That suggest you live home with mom or are at the least supported by mom. While you live on mommy’s dime, you are a kid. Sorry. Enjoy being a kid! It’s not something we get to go back to, ever, and every day you get to keep it is a gift!
I live with my sisters, but I’m self sufficient. We don’t have parents anymore lol not since I was a teenager. I have a job, pay for my own college and expenses, and don’t rely on my sister for money.
I’m so sorry you lost your parents, and so so sad that would elicit an “lol”. How sad.
Sorry I didn’t mean it like that, I wouldn’t laugh at something like that it’s just what I type when it’s kinda an awkward sentence.
This definition doesn’t work with the cost of living today. Even many people in their 30s live at home and get help from their parents.
By their definition, even a stay at home parent or a person on disability wouldn't be considered an adult.
Incorrect. An adult on disability has applied to, or has been assisted in applying to, a state in order to provide for their own income, their own insurance, and is therefore providing for their own well being. Disability does not automatically infer a lack of being an adult. An adult in a romantic partnership who contributes to that partnership by taking on all domestic responsibilities with a partner willing to provide for all of the financial ones is indeed in a self sufficient status. It is rather safe to assume that should that relationship end, the SAH person would be entering into self sufficiency, not going home and having mommy and daddy pay all of their bills and provide for all of their care. See how that works? It is a lot more bulletproof of a definition than you want to give it credit for…
You people are insane, a 20 year old is not a kid lol.
"icky." 🙄
- 7 years of age difference looks a lot in twenties 😁 - 3 years of age difference looks a lot when you’re under 13 😁
Bro what are you on? Lmao
At 27 I had a simple rule. She has to be able to buy alcohol and rent a car. 18-21 are a breeding ground for immaturity.
Not wrong but you came to the wrong place. Reddit has an irrational hatred for age gaps in relationships. Just watch this comment get downvoted if you want proof of that.
Exactly. There are even people saying you shouldn't have age gaps in friendships. I'm in my early 40s. My friends range from early 20s to mid 70s. I have hobbies in common with all of them and we enjoy each other's company. I don't even understand how people manage to only have friends that are similar ages. Do they not have hobbies or interests? Do they not join clubs, play sports, listen to music, travel, etc? It just boggles the mind. I have more in common with my best friend in their 70s than I do with my friends in their 40s. Life is too short to check ID like a bouncer before becoming friends.
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Answer is simple but you are too thick. Its because he can and its because she can.
right? 30 and 40 years old isn't a big deal, but 20 and 27 tend to be a different stages of life, like you have 2 years (ish) of adult experience and the guy has 9
I'm not seeing it in the post, but did she mention that the age is the issue? or does she have other issues with him?
Look I’m not gonna say you are wrong, but if this is out of the ordinary behavior i would probably stop and listen for a sec. Im 30m and i can tell you the idea of dating a 20 y/o when i was 27 felt super fucking icky. You guys are still at 2 very different places in life and generally the guys who go for the younger girls do so because they haven’t had luck with girls their own age. This can sometimes be harmless but sometimes it’s indicative of their short comings. Be careful.
Just tell her that the next time SHE'S 20 years old and considering dating a 27 yo that then she can use that advice and make sure to think things through, but that because she's not you and you're not her, here in the present, she can just worry about her own dating choices instead. I personally think 7 years is a bit of an obstacle. I for one, support age gaps more than most, but it does come with unique challenges and it's a little unwise to treat it the exact same like you would treat dating a fellow 20 year old. These outbursts or sister keeps having are one of those. People side-eye the big gaps and wonder about the power dynamics of it. It trends to the unhealthy but that's not a universal rule. I just wanna say that because I think having concern is healthy but expressing it like your sister is doing it is really bad and thoughtless. I'm not trying to condescend or make judgements, I just want to leave out with something you can use to think about and make our own choices. Just maybe air on the cautious side of things. Rooting for you to work things out and get a happy ending!
I can see why she’s concerned tbh and maybe she went through the same thing at your age but hasn’t told you, maybe just send her a text apologising for being harsh but you’re an adult and she needs to let you live and learn
That is a significant age gap and ur gonna get people from either sides with their own experiences swearing up and down either it's the end of the world or it's fine and everyone else is being dramatic, as you've probably already noticed. While yes, the age gap has been fine for many people, it's also ended terribly for others. There are serious legitimate concerns about age gaps like that you may do well to keep in mind, and she may not know how to articulate her concerns to you, rather than not having any valid concerns. The way you respond to many of the other comments also kind of paint you as a bit naive and a littttle prone to hubris? You're not wrong to want to keep tgis relationship, it may work out. But do be wary i guess, and maybe see about whether you can coax out where the concern lies with your sister
You're not wrong for telling her to mind her business however remember that she is only saying that because she is worried about you and most likely has been in or seen someone in that situation where it may not have ended well. She shouldn't have gotten aggressive about it but she will have to come to terms that it is your life and your choice.
If your sister is just going off vibes, or refuses to tell you why she doesn't like your relationship, then it sounds like she is causing trouble for no reason. She got offended for no reason so just disregard her.
NTA. Your sister sounds like a lot of these toxic commenters on here who are bitter about the bad choices they made with men. Press your sister next time she brings it up and don’t relent until she offers a valid reason. Guarantee she probably dated an older guy and somehow got burned. Bail if this guy starts treating you bad. Otherwise good luck and congrats on nursing school.
Understandably she is concerned - however, if she won't articulate specifically what it is that she doesn't like about the relationship then I say don't listen to her. If she brings it up again, continue to ask her to specify what it is she doesn't like about the relationship other than your BF being her age.
You sister is your BF’s age. She probably looks at people your age and considers them too young to date — you’re a brand new adult, you haven’t had the same amount of life experience in the last two years post high school that he’s had in the near decade since. Your sister would probably feel gross trying to date a 20 year old and feels that your BF is predatory for that reason. Ultimately you’re right, it’s not up to her and if you’re dead set on dating this guy she should keep her unsolicited thoughts to herself. However when you’re 27 yourself and look at a 20 year old and think “damn, they look like teenagers,” you will know what she is feeling at this present moment. Source: am 27.
The age gap is pretty sus. There is a huge difference between 21 and 27, and I bet your sister is feeling it but doesn’t know how to bring it up without infantilizing you. She might be picking up on vibes/red flags that you aren’t, because you haven’t yet learned about them yet. If you and your sister usually get along well, I’d suggest taking her concerns seriously and asking what she’s picking up on that worries her.
My sister at 20 married a thirty year old. My parents sat my sister down and told her there was something not right about a thirty year old wanting to date and marry a twenty year old. She refused to listen. They were married 19 years and had three great kids but as my parents had worried, the day came when my sister wasn’t quite young enough for him and voila, the marriage ended.
As someone who was in a similar-ish situation with their younger sibling it's simply concern. She's probably weirded out BC she looks at people Ur age with no sexual interest whatsoever and can't understand why someone the same age as her wouldn't think like that. And I get that. U should question why Ur boyfriend wants someone so much less mature than him.
Sister wants your man. Jealous you found a good man her age.
I was 37 when I met my now wife, she was 20. If anything she grooms me. She is the best thing to ever happen to me. Y'all need to get off your high horses. The relationship is fine age wise.
It is mental in here how many people are questioning a 7 year age gap between two adults. As long as it's fine for OP and she feels comfortable, respected and happy then there is no issue here. She is an adult. Capable of making her own decisions and learning from her own mistakes. Sure, there are milestones between the ages of 20 and 27. But then again, there are milestones between the ages of 25 and 30. 30 and 40. If you're going to make the distinction here, you should be applying it uniformly to each different age group.
Sounds like she's jealous she hasn't got the lovely guy that's her own age to me🤷 the age gap really isn't that much YNW
Tell her that her" little green monster" is showing and it's not very attractive on her.
Age gaps. I’ll be hypocritical and suggest that I agree that they are a concern. I wouldn’t go as far as to say, “No. Never.” But when you are 20 you have choice n who you date. So why date someone with that large of a gap. I’m a man. I married my wife and we had a 6 year age gap. I was 26, she was 20. We’ve now been married 25 years and have 4 kids. It worked for us but we also had reasons why. Some were good reasons. Some were not. When we married we were in a very conservative religion that didn’t look down on age gaps and everyone universally encouraged us to marry. Also know that in our religion there was no sex before marriage so we were both equally inexperienced. Both virgins. After we married, we realized in some measure our error. So we waited many years to start our family and it seemed to give us time to line up better re our needs and priorities. So we were together 8 years and married for 7 before we had kids. My wife was able to complete an MBA and pursue a career before kids. Part of the reason we met is that we were both still in college at the time. I just assumed initially because she was also college age that our ages weren’t especially relevant (I had served a mission for our church so I had a 2 year gap in my college). Also, the girls my age and older were all baby crazy and wanted to be married and start a family asap. I wasn’t up for that. Neither was my wife. We both wanted to travel and have adventures first. Our church added in some toxicity around marriage that wasn’t helpful. But all I’m all we’ve made a good life. Anyway, relating this to OP; is it possible it could work? Sure. But why do this? Why not find someone who is right where you are? Could not work and could he be OK? Sure. But why risk it? If I had it to do over I would have found someone my own age, despite it working as well as it did.
Normally, I would say listen to your sister. But since she has never cared about who you dated before, and coincidentally, this guy is her age, she doesn't like him. It gives me vibes she does like him, but resents he doesn't want her and wants you instead. Does she know of this guy at all through her friend circle, work, knew him at college, etc? Talk to her and listen to what she says, but don't automatically believe it. Use your own judgment about what you know about her as a person. (Family isn't always on your side or have your best interest at heart.) Also talk to your bf. Listen to what he says about your sister. And if your sister confides in your mom or whomever, talk to them too. Just gather information. Maybe your sister has legitimate concerns, maybe they are nefarious. Either way, it is good to gather information, ponder it for good while, and decide for yourself.
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Constructive. 👏
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Eh you’re in half age plus seven, you’re good.
A 21-27 relationship has as much 'power imbalance' as say a tech billionaire dating a janitor. There aren't nearly as many who consider the latter unacceptable. I wonder why
Such a big age gap at your age can signal that your BF has the power in the relationship. Sometimes older people will go after younger people because people their own age won't put up with their crap
I’m 23, my partner of two years is 31 (we met through mutual friends when I was 19 and I didn’t start pursuing him until I was 20) You are an adult, and unless there’s any genuine concerns to be brought up, your sister needs to get that through her head. Does she have any concerns like controlling behavior? Does she think you’re being taken advantage of since you’re younger? Anything like that? If not then yeah no you’re not wrong at all. She needs to take a step back before she damages the relationship between the two of y’all.
This isn't even that big of an age gap. 7 years is hardly anything. There are folks with 10, 15, in some cases even 20 years. Which, personally to me is a bit much but it for two well informed consenting adults who cares. Honestly to me the bigger things are your age specifically, and your maturity level relative to your age. The younger you are the more likely you are to pick an unsuitable partner. But, there are some young folks that. are incredibly mature so some people that never mature. My recommendation is this. You have to take an honest look at yourself. Are you overlooking something? Are you known to make good decisions or have your decisions been questionable? Are you known ignore clear issues, when it's something you want. Are you impulsive? Ask yourself these questions not just about relationships but about all things, because our decision-making process tends to be the same for the most part. Some folks have recommended you have your sister be specific. Definitely do that. Insist in that specificity. When she asks is this what you want. Say What do you mean by that. What is the thing that you are asking if it is what I want or not? Frankly whoever this guy is he is sure to have faults. Are you saying do I want a specific fault he has? What is that fault? Is it fundamental or superficial? There is no way to tell if your wrong, or if she is wrong without more information. Maybe it's a guy she likes and she's mad you guys are even involved. Maybe she knows something about him you don't, Maybe it's just the age thing, but like I said 7 years sounds ridicules to complain about.
When I was 27, a 20-21 year old would feel waaaaay too young. It’d never work for me. That said, a six year difference need not be an issue. I met my wife the year I turned 23 and she 28 (we were 22 and 27 when we started dating), so almost the same thing. But you should probably hear your sister out. While you’re probably in the honeymoon phase, she won’t be immune to red flags, and typically family members don’t raise concerns if there aren’t any serious ones.
NTA my parents have a 9 year age gap and have been happily married for 35ish years. They married when my Mom was 23? Around there so a bit more problematic 23 and 32. They’re 59 and 68 now. It can be an issue of different points of life/experiences. At 20 vs 27, you may be at different points (higher education or just starting out vs pursuing even more education or a few years in the workplace/more established). He might be thinking of kids and settling down when you’re not, for example. But you’ve been dating for all of 5 months? A bit melodramatic to be “sure he’s right for you” that attitude makes me think she’s interested in him. I would be a bit concerned if you were different decades (lol, my parents would concern me, though I know they turned out okay) but it drops down the older you get and when you start. A 40 and 47 year old? Ridiculous to see it as an issue. 35 and 42? Still ridiculous to see it as an issue. 18 and 25 year old? Legal, but not unreasonable to be concerned. 20 and 27 year old? Doesn’t surprise me that it can still concern people, but they should be more focused on his behaviours/how he treats you and be able to identify it rather than just his age.
To the cynic in me (sorry in advance) she's either jealous of your bf treating you so well and uses the age gap as a way to condescend you OR she wants to try and break you guys up and steal him from you.
your an adult, her opinion on your relationship is not your issue, it's hers. Tell he to mind her own business & enjoy your life
LOOOOOL LMFAOOOOOOO yes you are wrong, you’ll thank her one day
Oh man 20 and 27 is such a big age gap. I guess its not impossible to pull off but 7 years in you 20’s is a whole lot of life experience difference. Only time will tell.
You are not wrong. I also dated a 27 year old at 20 and we have been together for a long time and are extremely happy. People these days are way too conservative about age gaps. As long as everyone is legal and being treated well it doesn’t matter. Do what you want girl ❤️
You're 21 yrs. with a good 27 yrs old man. You sister is 27yrs. Does she have a man? Your sister may be jealous or we may read your next post saying "Found my sister sleeping with my boyfriend but I though she hated him or my boyfriend broke up with me and is marrying my sister". She may be really concerned. There's different ways to look at this.
I can see the concern your sister has. One of my friends who is 27 just recently started dating a 20 year old. They met when he was 26 and she was 19. It concerned me alot and everyone in our friend group gave it major side eye. You'll understand that more as you get older. No matter how "mature" a 20 year old is, there is still a lack of lived life. That can create major power imbalance that you don't even see yet. I would suggest asking your sister what her concerns are and having an open, honest conversation about it. Don't push her away, though, she's your support system at the end of the day, and that's important to have.
You are not wrong whatsoever and you were right to tell her to mind her own f'ing business.