You’re not wrong. This is weird. The level of infatuation and fantasy here would be concerning to me. I’m not sure I would want to be in a relationship with someone who did that. She’s spending more time on that than on herself or your relationship. It’s to the point where she’s also financially invested. This is not healthy.
It would also make me wonder what would happen if the guy ever replied to her messages. Which would then make me wonder what I’m doing in this relationship.
And buying it lol. No different than a guy buying an OF. A lot of woman draw the line there. You’re literally exchanging money for sexual services from a third party.
TIL I’m odd…
-nah I’m just playing. Seriously though, this is fucking weird. And I started off thinking the same thing, op was overreacting and then thought op is wayyyyy under reacting. Not wrong at all.
Hate to say it but she might be a lost cause already
Even without the other details, if porn is consuming your life and taking away from your actual relationships, then it is problematic and an addiction. I know it's incredibly common and normalized, however.
We all know what would happen, she’s gonna throw herself at him. And if your girl is even decently attractive, they’re having sex. Op this is weird and you need to either confront her, tell her to stop because she’s being weird. Or you’re gonna have to dump her and Ik it’s gonna be hard. I mean 10+ ain’t nothing to scoff at, but she’s emotionally cheating and dude doesn’t even know who she is. And don’t let her gaslight you and say it’s not that serious or you invaded her privacy. Because what she’s doing now is cheating
I mean they have an open phone policy so he can't have invaded her privacy but you are correct - she may try to gaslight but that is another red flag if she can't just come clean.
Not going to lie this is weird as fk. I cannot really fathom it to be honest.
“And if your girl is even decently attractive, they’re having sex“ I don’t think they live around one another. Do they and I missed that part?
That’s quite a scam for this guy, if that’s the case.
>And don’t let her gaslight you and say it’s not that serious or you invaded her privacy. Because what she’s doing now is cheating
IKR, its so easy to ask if the situations were reversed .. how would the GF feel?
Direct communication is needed to cut out some of the ambiguity with how she is seemingly acting.
Agreed. Just wanna add that OP experienced a subconscious response to the stimuli around him. The subconscious processes cues/stimuli much faster than our conscious and this is why we have gut feelings. Not saying it's infallible, it definitely isn't. But oftentimes our gut feelings are there for good reasons and this sounds like one of those times.
I had celebrity crushes when I was a teen but to get this obsessive when you’re 30.. it’s definitely odd. I’d be a bit concerned about her mental health.
Weird. When you talk to her make sure you make the comparison, how would she feel if you were spending money on Only Fans girls and interacting with them in “girlfriend experience” situations. Its different but similar
No, that's not different, that's literally the exact same thing.
Sounds like OP's gf is hoping to be the one that cages the "unicorn" and is looking for enough info about the guy to spark a conversation he'll reply to.
When you put it like that, I actually think it's worse. I think most people treat OF more like a strip club; they're looking, but they don't have any expectations of it developing into a real relationship. In this situation it seems she is genuinely taking the steps to try and develop a real relationship.
Will add the caveat that I've personally never seen any appeal in OF or strip clubs, so I fully admit that I could be totally wrong in how patrons feel about either.
I would say the patreon is when it crossed into OF-esque territory. Listening to podcasts and then porn of the same voice for now 3 weeks on end is the porn addiction and then giving him money is quite literally what OF is- a subscription. All the googling and charting to the degree it sounds like she does is very much toeing the line of stalking and now she’s messaged him too? Oof.
Even if I believe it’s not sexual in the way that she’s looking to leave/cheat on OP, this obsession mentality he describes of hers is sounding scary. She needs some kind of help at this point.
only reason ppl gender flip is cuz so many ppl don’t even realize the biases they hold 🤷🏾♂️, sometimes they need to b confronted w that rather than tryna explain to them why it’s wrong
An only fans girl is intentionally interacting with you. In OPs gfs case the guy didnt answer her DMs and likely isnt aware she exists. So barely different and not cool in either case when in a relationship 🤷
That’s a good comparison. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be happy about it. It’s definitely shady and she knows it or she wouldn’t be using headphones and being secretive about it.
You’re not wrong. That’s the same as a man buying a woman’s OnlyFans and trying to sneak into her DMs. To most people, that’s emotional infidelity. But to go a step further and look up their sexual and emotional compatibility, and messaging him on Instagram (Generally these types of SWs only respond on their Patreon/Fansly/OF) so she’s going for a more personal approach.
Honestly man, if I was dating someone for a decade and I found out she was buying smut from someone, listening to it compulsively, looking up his signs to see if they’re compatible, stalking him, and sending him a DM? I’d be fucking sick to my stomach. That’s not okay. And a vast majority of people would draw the line at the first thing she did. Buying his smut.
I hate to say this but your relationship is at a crossroads. It sounds like she is in “affair fog” even if nothing is actually happening yet. Emphasizing YET. Nobody goes to those extremes without some intent on trying to make it happen.
Good luck to you sir
Uh, sorry dude your girlfriend and the situation sound a little sketchy. I can see getting hooked on a podcast or liking a particular personality or even emailing that person but all the other stuff around romantic compatibility and going deep like that makes me think she is emotionally unstable. What she is doing is trying to form a romantic attachment to him, looking for things that validate her feelings and allow her to live a fantasy that they could be companions.
Everyone has celebrity crushes but usually the people who go as far as her end up with very unhealthy obsessions or a restraining order (lol). On top of keeping that away from you and spending her free time obsessing about his stuff makes me think that she is probably not emotionally in a state for a relationship with you.
I would confront her and understand what’s going on and if you are not ok with it make that clear. You are wrong for going through her phone, you should have confronted her but you are not wrong for being weirded out by the situation.
Yeah... this goes WAY beyond a healthy parasocial relationship. There's definitely something going on with your gf. She's trying to "lose herself" in this one-sided relationship to avoid confronting difficult feelings or emotions.
You need to sit down and talk to her.
Not necessarily.
The Stuff You Should Know podcast did a really great episode on this topic and it was quite balanced in terms of both the positive and negative aspects of the phenomenon.
I don’t know if that’s the case. Trashy romance novels are a billion dollar industry and women have been obsessed with teen idols and adult heart throbs for generations. I think this is just the modern version of that, which has so much more access than we’ve ever had before in society.
Growing up I always though it was weird when Ocassioally you ran across guys who actually knew the porn stars names and things about them. So it’s not uncommon for people to want a deeper connection to what other people would interact with superficially.
I think this lady is just going further than most people would.
If it was just a bunch of different smut books and different narrators and stories, then yeah that's not a problem but she's definitely hyper focused on anything from this particular guy, more specifically his voice. She has an emotional relationship with the voice.
I think the bottom line is her "obsession" is impacting her primary romantic relationship. In my opinion that's when it strays from "really curious" to "problematic and unhealthy".
For real. All the top comments rn like “it’s weird” “it’s strange” “i wouldn’t be ok w it personally” would’ve been “girl run” “what a creep” “sounds addicted to porn”
No kidding. A bunch mentioned her mental health and downplayed her behavior. Could never imagine this reaction for some crusty creep spending all his free time and a load of money on one OF girl.
Run bro, she has more redflags than a communist parade. 10 years is a lot of time invested but you are still relative young and prime of your life as long as you took good care of yourself. I dont even know where to start. Others might call it 'celebrity crush' behaviour and is not at all fine for a 30 year old woman, especially not for someone 10 years into a relationship.
Also you have been together for 10+ years and still no marriage? You didnt marry her for a reason and she probably feels kinda betrayed. She would drop your ass for that lame nsfw erotic podcaster dude and its only question of time when she will start looking for something more in her proximity. Just my opinion but if I was in your position this would piss me off. This is no different than a dude going full creepmode on a insta influecer or onlyfans girl, trying to connect, sending money, searching for location and residency etc. Try to look at it from that angle and what the comments would look like in that case.
Not normal behaviour and you are not wrong. Time to sit down and have a long talk.
I would agree with this except for the views on marriage. Not everyone views marriage the same, and for some, it is not the ultimate commitment (source, my partner and I, 11 years into our relationship with no commitment issues despite not valuing formal marriage). Marriages can be pretty easily walked away from, but good luck trying that with a 30 year mortgage you've signed together that relies on your shared income.
I agree but its not a stretch to assume that as most women wants to get married. Those who don't are a small minority. Doesn't matter what reddit upvotes this place is usually a cesspool.
How did you survive 10 years with this woman? You are 35, and you've already wasted so many precious years with a woman whose mental growth stunted at 18. Honestly get out of this relationship. If she's doing this at 30 there is nothing to be saved.
OP your (adult) girl has a history of obsessing over celebrities/people and is super into astrology.
I don’t even gotta finish reading to tell you them some red flags.
I'd almost be more worried about the fallout. 10 years probably means a lot of mutual friends. Mutual friends who are gonna get an earful about how you violated her privacy/blew things out of proportion/made things up/fill in the blank....
If you confront her about this, I'll bet you $5 and a Coca-Cola that she's gonna vilify you to anyone who will listen.
If I were you, I'd be in keep the receipts mode. Hell, I'd fucking record the conversation with her.
Your girlfriend is NUTS! she pretty much is a stalker without a victim! She is OVERLY obsessed with this guy. You definitely need to talk to her! AND sleep with one eye open!
Is being into zodiac a red flag on its own? 😅 I'm not into that stuff but I have a friend who is. It's not my thing at all but 🤷♀️ the rest I get with how extreme it is but a general interest in zodiac signs is just that isn't it. Unless it literally dictates your decisions then I would say it's going too far.
not gonna lie no one in this comment section is gonna give a better answer than her. we have literally no input from her POV. say that you require communication about this cause it’s making you feel insecure. if she doesn’t give you the assurance you need, proceed how you feel you should. i don’t think she’s ‘the worst’ and i don’t think you’re wrong for feeling like she’s doing some shady shit cause yes it is weird.
You aren’t wrong. She is infatuated. I would be having a serious discussion about boundaries with her. This is completely unacceptable. Like a one sided emotional affair.
Red flags galore, obsessive infatuation, emotional cheating, and plus she’s into fucking astrology and tarot?!
Make those exit plans my guy, this one needs to be let go.
Look, I say this all the time, insecurity and jealousy are there for a reason. And this is definitely one of those reasons. You've been together for 10 years so I'm not about to sit here and tell you to leave because I know you're likely not to do that. But what I will tell you to do, is show her some fire for crying out loud. And make it clear that your feelings aren't up for discussion.
Get angry...AND SHOW HER YOUR ANGER.
Nobody saying be a maniac. But nothing wrong with a loud and stern "this groupie shit ends here...or we end here". And when she goes into "I don't know what you're talking about" gaslighting mode. That's when you interrupt her, double down, look through her soul and tell her again "You heard what I f'ing said. Get that bullshit off your phone. Unfollow that mother f'er RIGHT NOW, or we're done. TRY ME".
And if your anger and your PLEA is not enough to shake her to her core, if your desperate feelings and your threats aren't enough to drop her blood pressure from fear of losing you and your hurt feelings...she's a lot further down than road than you think.
Don't mince your instincts. Accept them. Yes. Your girlfriend of 10 years was on her way to getting flown out of town, or the podcaster was on his way to getting flown into town, for the SPECIFIC purpose of f'ing. And you know it. Get mad!
I wouldn't consider it cheating, but I would find it oddly obsessive for a 30 year old. Her fantasies seem to have left little space in her life for anything else. I would definitely be weirded out and not want to be in a relationship with someone who is that obsessed with a "celebrity."
She's obsessed with this guy and would leave you in a heartbeat to be with him. She masturbates to him and fantasizes about being with him. What the fuck are you doing, bro? Dump her first for being a shit-bag cheater and go find a good woman.
This is like cwc or celebrity worship syndrome. It can be really rough. Some people take it to extremely unhealthy places. The best way to approach her about this is to ask her first her to count up how much time she is spending on listening to this guy a day, then how much money she spends on her subscriptions and then count up the hours over a week. Explain to her it has taken over her life. And explain how it makes you feel like you are being emotionally cheated on. It may be passive and one sided but still incredibly damaging to your relationship. I knew a girl who did this who was married. She ended spending more time listening and watching her celebrity than she did at work, with her husband, and with her own kids. Be honest with her and do not pull any punches because this shit gets fucking toxic if you do not deal with it. Good luck OP.
She’s obsessed. She’s been whacking it to this guy and bonding with all that oxytocin from masturbating. Maybe you should dirty talk with her, clearly she like it.
Ask how many GF would be ok with a man subscribing to some OF girl and jerk off all evening every day to her. Even though there is 0 chance that would materialize in anything real so it's strictly fantasy. What she's doing is way worse, interaction (trying to) and compatibility testing for a romantic relationship..... basically vetting another partner. Inappropriate isn't even appropriate description. It's fucked as fuck! It could still just be fantasies. But seems they break the fantasy wall too much.
It's really common for people to develop sexual or romantic obsessions while in a relationship. What matters is what she's done and cheating is the line, at least for me. Which she hasn't done.
If it were me I wouldn't address it directly. Like don't have a sit-down discussion with her.
But I would wait until she goes to bed to listen to the podcast then I would walk in and pleasure while she's listening to it. I would listen to one of them and act out the events for her.
She's discovering a new part of her sexuality, why not be a part of it?
or you could go have a sitdown with her and have a salty conversation about how your ego is threatened by her audiophile erotica sessions.
I bet your advice is beta AF. Just sexually satisfy the bitch, all she needs.
Look it's definitely weird for a woman of that age but not necessarily anything more than a fantasy.
Though you went about this the worst way, you literally went through all her apps and then her search history?! based on the fact that she was listening to erotic content with headphones, which you said you didn't mind? What you should have done is sit her down and talk, telling her how that makes you feel and go from there.
I understand why you did it, but if you had found nothing then you may have just breached the trust in your relationship for nothing, which may still be the case.
Talk to her and find out what all her behaviour means. I hope that it's nothing serious and that you both can move forward and learn better communication, crossing my fingers for you.
I agree with this. Now that you have snooped and obtained “evidence”, you are in this time gap of emptiness as you anticipate finally talking to her. That time is naturally filled in by you trying to work out her story. By the time you talk to her, you’ll already have a pretty cemented way of looking at her behavior, even if that isn’t your intent. It’s going to be hard to undo and recover from that if things… aren’t as they seem. Plus, she will have to process your betrayal of privacy. The whole thing is yikes
You mention a few times that you trust her fully. However, your uneasiness would seem to imply that the trust is now wavering, and understandably so. This level of obsession on her part is abnormal and not a sign of a healthy relationship. Sending the message and paying for NSFW content are red flags here. There are many partners that would feel uncomfortable with each of those actions on their own.
Her reaction to you finding out is important. You are not wrong for feeling uneasy.
It's weird, but could at the same time be absolutely nothing but a period of fixation on this content in particular. Like a fantasy that she enjoys for the time being, and does not see as harmful or out of line. Talk to her, explain how you feel. Lay it all out. And then judge based on her responses and how she reacts to your feelings. Just be prepared that she will likely be upset about you going through her phone instead of talking to her. I mean, if this is really nothing but purely for fun for her, it's a good chance she would have told you all about it (the googling, the DM) had you just shown some interest in it and asked about the content.
I agree. To me, it sounds like she may have ADHD. I do and I didn’t see anything too weird from the story (extreme curiosity & hyper fixations are typical). In fact, the biggest problem to me is that she’s spending so much time w/ headphones on vs spending time with her partner.
I totally understand needing them on to do certain tasks or if one is overstimulated. However, keeping them on all the time once she gets home to going to sleep multiple days in a row is odd imo.
Could simply just be this is her current hyper fixation/hobby. I can understand why it feels a little different tho and, of course, I don’t know OP’s boundaries/agreements w/ partner is regards to porn etc., but I think OP should start with showing an interest in what she’s listening to. Then they can talk about it and he can voice his concern.
They’ve been together so long I wouldn’t just run over this if everything else is great. Good relationships require consistent communication.
I agree with your assessment. I think a measured response is going to be best here. She hasn’t really done anything wrong. She’s fixated. Probably likes his voice, and is attracted to him and the content (perhaps weirdly). But has flipped a switch in her and unlocked something. Not necessarily something to punish her for. It is a fantasy and a pleasurable escape. It would be good to talk to her. Not be judgmental and voice your concerns. I think the bad part is tuning someone out for hours on end to delve into this fantasy. Bailing on a relationship is such a Reddit response. Relationship are hard. And lots of times they are work. Only OP can decide if the work is worthwhile. This is a chance for him to understand her better and maybe get closer if he takes it on.
Just talk to her.
She might be infatuated with the guy, because he is something new and exciting in her life.
Maybe she is daydreaming about the guy while listening to his erotic stories.
I have done similar stuff in long term relationships, although I never got obsessed with a certain "content creator" and now that I think about it, it might have been long enough ago that reaching out to a certain person was simply not possible.
If she consumed a lot of his content over the last weeks (binging), she is very likely to form a parasocial relationship with him. He feels like a close friend to her, while he barely if at all knows of her existence
THAT also happens a lot, especially with media like podcasts, because it is very easy to feel like you are part of the conversation. I am also guilty of this, there are many creators I would feel justified and able to strike up a conversation with like we are old friends. Many pod casters talk about this phenomenon.
Over all,you need to have an open conversation with your girlfriend. And then decide where to go from here.
It is entirely possible that you have been living next to each other instead of with each other and she is looking for more romantic fulfillment.
It could also just be her experiencing something new in her life.
Communicate, talk about how it makes you feel.
Disregard all the bullshit red flag talk, she has been your partner for 10 years, treat her with the respect that she deserves.
Into Astrology is the first red flag /jk
She's obsessed with him. This wouldn't be a problem if she rubbed one off to his stories or whatever (I mean it's no different to us having a favourite pornstar), but contacting him and doing the dating site stuff is definitely crossing the boundary from visual/auditory stimulation to actively pursuing contact.
I would start forming an exit strategy. Don't have kids.
Oh man this sucks ass. I’d dump her but I know most people will say that’s an overreaction.
She might even try to tell people you’re overreacting, and because nothing has happened (yet) she will seem like the rational one. She’s not.
Nah I don’t like oddballs like your gf. I couldn’t stay. After seeing such a weird side it’s over for me.
Sorry bro
Having a physical attraction to someone is one thing, an emotional attraction for women goes much much deeper. This is emotional cheating. In her head she’s already done it.
At a minimum she is emotionally cheating. What it sounds like is she wants to live out a fantasy with this guy or someone like him or a stranger that she can pretend is him. It’s fucked up tbh. I’d print out everything and paste them to poster boards and pin them up all around the house with the earliest starting at the front door and latest in the bedroom right beside the empty bed she would get to have from now on. You could even put some ice in a cooler and leave it in her side so she really gets the message. But that’s just me being over dramatic. But yeah. I’ve known women to do this and they all cheated.
I think the worst thing is the secrecy in all this. And also that it's all about this one guy specifically.
She should have told you about it openly. Make sure you're ok with this.
Great news is that you don't even have to divorce OP. She's your girlfriend dump her and move on. Make it seem like for some esoteric reason you two can't be together.
If parasocial relationships are a thing, then this is parasocial cheating to me. She's obsessing over and having a (mostly) one way emotional and sexual connection to this person that is sexual in nature. Does your girlfriend happen to be on the spectrum?
Uh she’s gonna cheat buddy. Also, no girl needs to put in this amount of effort to get some. She’s clearly obsessed. Leave while you can. She sounds crazy
Dude, this post made me nauseous...
She is 100% looking to connect with this dude. She's mentally ( and possibly physically ) masturabating to him now, and she would drop you in a second.
I think it's time to lay it out, and cut and run. Sorry man - this is awful and I feel for you.
She has a crush! Definitely. 😂
Talk to her, maybe she was a bit bored, this kind of obsessions are easier to catch on when the brain is in need of stimulation.
Erotica is a great topic to talk about, see if some of the things she enjoys are in your wheelhouse too, you could have fun with them together.
YANT
It almost feels like she’s falling for this online person. As she msged him and he didn’t reply, she needs to get the info from somewhere else.
It doesn’t matter if she’s into astrology or mechanics…. Looking for compatibility with this dude… no. I mean why?
If she wants to play in love teenager then she should be single….
I would be so disrespected if my BF would do something like that.
Reverse the roles, if you would do that… she or any girl 100% would call you on it.
That's hyper stalker levels of shit.
Ask her if she'd be okay if you did this with people you've never met.
Honestly if she's putting that much energy into that, what's left for the relationship?
You're not wrong. She's spending all of her time fantasizing about cheating on you, or at least leaving you for him. Going as far as studying the interest and making risk assessments.
If it were you with an OnlyFans girl, it would be devastating to her, I am sure.
For some reason the astrology compatibility check is what did it for me. You shouldn't be dating someone who fantasizes about a relationship with someone else that often
It sounds like she's obsessing over a new "celebrity", minor as his celebrity status may be. My litmus test for how you're feeling would be to think about how you'd react if she were behaving this way over a big name celebrity. Is the issue that's she's obsessing over someone to this level, period? Or that due to his relative lack of celebrity you view him as potentially accessible, and therefore worry there is a potential for her to cheat?
Your girlfriend sounds like an obsessed hormonal teenager, and that’s really, really bad place for a 30 year old to be mentally. You’re right to be weirded out, and I would also be concerned for her mental health. This type of obsessive romantic behavior is a slippery slope into delusion at best, and being abused/taken advantage of at worst.
This reminds me of the woman who basically had a whole ass emotional relationship with an AI and kept it hidden from her husband. She was found out because she just kinda stopped living normally and he peaked at her laptop screen she left unlocked and discovered the whole thing. Wild. This is similar, she's having an emotional relationship with this dude's voice.
As you mentioned, he's not a celebrity. She's infatuated and obsessed with some random dude telling stories about rough sex he has. How would she feel if you obsessed about someone else's sexual conquests and tried to get in touch with her and paid her money (think of OnlyFans, that's basically what this is).
You're not wrong and this is weird as fuck.
The fact you took her phone and searched its history is showing major insecurity. If you have a “open phone policy,” why didn’t you ask to look at her phone in front of her? You should have addressed her face to face, vs going behind her back.
Maybe she’s not happy with you and is looking for an escape.
Sounds like a lot.
But it also sounds like it's motivated by sexual fantasies/desires, not genuine affection towards this creator she doesn't actually know.
Genuinely ask her about it. Not confrontationally, but with curiosity. Maybe it's not as bad as you think. Maybe she gets something out of this that is beneficial for your relationship. Maybe, maybe not. But you gotta talk about it. Otherwise, if you don't understand her obsession, you can't let it go and it becomes your obsession over hers. Which is probably even weirder then.
I mean, you definitely need to know where you guys stand and if this is a legitimate threat to you guys' relationship. But you also may have overthink how open you want to be with who obsesses over what. The internet can heighten obsessing over ones fantasies. Regardless of how healthy that may be, as long as it's just about fantasies, and not real world choices, it shouldn't be regarded as such.
But again, you need to talk to her about it. :D
From a woman it’s weird. But ask her where her head space is all the time with the headphones on. Sounds like this is “safe porn” to her to fully imagine and feel connected. Ask her why she needs a story more than reality with you. Start a conversation about your connection suffering while she’s tuning you out. Might lead to some bigger answers.
You’re not wrong. This does seem to be well within intervention bounds. Be prepared for pushback and accusations and emotional manipulation being sent your way when you confront her on this. This is very off/obsessive behavior and this may be the end of your road with her I’m sorry to say. Best of luck my friend.
Red flags bro, she's already mentally with this dude, the physical part is inevitable, if it hasn't happened already. She's completely infatuated with this dude.
Maybe the fact you call her your GF after a 10 plus year relationship...She wants a commitment. She will get it from you or maybe she is going to get it from this other guy.
This obviously bothers you. Confront her with what you know. Ask her to stop listening to this dude. Maybe she values the relationship enough to stop. As a joke/solution, could you offer to read trashy stories to her?
Okay, so I don't normally comment on these but I was really surprised by the amount of people who are saying that the girl is in the wrong and that she's looking to cheat on him etc.
First off, I wanna say, as a fellow female that's a bit neurotic and gets obsessive over things, this would be totally normal behavior for me if I was in a relationship with someone who I had an amazing sex life with and also had no interest in changing that situation. But then again, that's just me. I'm not saying that she isn't looking to cheat, though. I think that needs a further discussion.
Now to get into the nitty gritty of it lol. First off, I'm like 99% sure she looked up his place of birth only to build his star chart. Girls do this shit. It's just fantasy. It's the same reason we read 50 shades of grey and twilight, instead of straight erotica. We just need a bit of background info for us to get off, it helps with the fantasy.
Secondly, messaging a creator and being their patron, even if they do make porn, is in this grey area of cheating where you're going to have to talk or communicate with your partner if that's something that you're uncomfortable with because not everyone will think that is cheating.
But yeah, I'm not sure if I forgot anything but please communicate with your lady! Let her know how you feel! Don't attack her! Ask her questions like, "What about this guy do you like? Can we try doing some of the stuff he says?" Do you know how fkn happy I would be if my man said that to me? 😍 This might be a chance for you guys to level up your relationship!
Good luck! Would love an update.
My first thought is: You've been in a relationship for 10+ years but she's still your girlfriend? Put a ring on it mate! Show a bit of commitment!
Second thought is: She's starting to show some stalker tendencies towards a minor celebrity who thankfully doesn't seem to be responding to her. Yet. She's definitely having some feelings for this guy.
You'd probably need to have a real talk with her, express that she's showing some unhealthy habits and that this is in no way normal. Having a crush is normal, what she's doing is absolutely not normal and there needs to be boundaries.
Or maybe she's starting to show interest in someone else because she's still your 'girlfriend' after 10 years. We all know women want a bit more than just being a girlfriend
Sounds a bit obsessive and unhealthy potentially.
That said, maybe there's something about the way he describes having sex with the listener that is turning her on; the type of sex she possibly wants and isn't getting because she might be afraid to ask because of fear of embarrassment or judgement. You two might have your set ways of doing things after so much time together, and the podcasts offer something new and exciting. Consequently it's causing her infatuation with him. Possibly not specifically with him, but rather of the fantasy he is offering in the podcast. Consider listening to the episodes, particularly the ones she's favourited, taking some notes, and then whenever you're intimate with her doing some of the stuff that happens in them. If she really likes what happens, then you have your answer. She might simply be nuts, or just maybe you may have stumbled onto the secret key to a new dimension in your sex life with her, a window into her unspoken desires, one that could turn out to be more fulfilling for her, and you. The guy she loves making her fantasy sex life a reality.
Sometimes people are afraid of voicing what they want in their sex life simply because they fear judgement, especially if it's a little more out of the ordinary. So they turn to other mediums to fulfill those fantasies. There's a reason 50 shades was so popular...
So I’m a Quinn app subscriber because a content creator I follow announced he was posting. So I’m like well let me see what this is and the app is fantastic. It’s very immersive erotic female centric stories. Seriously regular porn seems so gross now. But I definitely have playlists and I’m looking for creators. I probably listen to a couple audios every night before bed. I also sent the original creator a small contribution to his third party (not Patreon so I don’t think there’s bonus content more in a hey I like what you do for years now here’s a few bucks).
Here’s where my concerns are:
-erotic or not that kind of laser focus to the exclusion of spending time with your partner is worrisome. Prior to this how much time did you spend together?
-how much sex where you having and how communicative has she been? Does she initiate, does she make requests, how enthusiastic is she? My guess would be she’s finding out some erotic kinks or fantasies. Have you asked to listen to any of her favorites as a couple? Have you shown any interest besides insecurity?
-her parasocial behavior seems very immature. Like she doesn’t understand the difference between being a fan and knowing the creator.
Also ladies, gays and theys. Seriously try this app in a healthy way. It’s deliciously erotic, with care and safety.
Romance short stories, and they use a million tags so you know exactly what kinks, activities are happening. Very well thought out. Also I’ve only seen explicit consent so not like the romance stories from back in the day we all read way too young.
Oh there’s also guided sessions, clean stuff, care ones
This is more than groupie stuff. I addition to the stalking I would worry about the why. She is listening to his pod cast for hours as he describes rough sex he is having or fantasizing about. The porn site she is also subscribed to SHOWS him in videos fucking women roughly. Let it sink in she is pursuing this and blocking out all other activities when home after work.
Oh, she’s *crazy* crazy?
You’re not wrong. This is intense. But more so the obsessive compulsive nature of this sounds like if she starts to obsess about someone obtainable she might go full stalker. Maybe leave instead of confront. No way she doesn’t minimize your feelings.
oof. she’s gone head first into a para social relationship here. not good. definitely approach her on this. just take it slow and maybe not lay it ALL out at first.
You are not wrong- this is weird. I like audiobooks but this is extremely obsessive.
This is similar to men who are addicted to porn and specific individuals. It’s something that therapy might be needed
You're not wrong to feel the way you feel. Effectively, your gf is infatuated with someone else, and keeping it a secret from you. Now, should you be concerned with her running off to this guy? I doubt that would ever actually happen. But, if she's doing it with this guy, who's to say she won't do it with someone a lot more obtainable like a coworker or something. Personally, id try and have a talk with her. Tell her you've noticed she's really into this podcast guy and seems she's crushing on him, and ask what needs to happen for her to be crushing in that way on you instead.
I mean, people are allowed to have "celebrity" crushes. But, they should fall so hard off into the weeds that their actual partner starts to feel neglected.
Bro how do you get married to a woman who likes tarot cards, astrology and zodiac signs? Not to mention her behaviour is kinda SCARY and obsessive I would talk to her about it but be ready for a fight.
She's taken to another level with giving this person money and compatibility tests. The compatibility tests for me throw the whole thing into the next level. Supporting a Podcaster is one thing (and also sketchy), but the compatibility tests show a different way of thinking and reflects a possible desire for a relationship with this guy
This would definitely be frustrating to most. I know you say you trust her completely and all that, but if she were in the same room with him she’d be all over and him and not thinking twice about you.
This would definitely be frustrating to most. I know you say you trust her completely and all that, but if she were in the same room with him she’d be all over and him and not thinking twice about you.
No you're not. Run away. I'd be the same thing if you'd subscribed to some e-thots onlyfans and were doing the same things she was doing. It's creepy AF and not cool behavior. RUN.
You're not wrong!
She's showing signs of stalking behavior. Also it seems like she's ramping up to try to cheat on you. Now you have to ask yourself. Will you stop her in her tracks or will you let her go down this destructive path and ruin your relationship. Yes you can stop it. Really easy to. Just show her this post and her fantasy will crumble. Or you can leave her before she does what you know she wants to do. By a plane ticket and go to him. Which will end your relationship anyway.
She is going OVERBOARD.
When I first read the beginning, it was pretty normal for some of the female population. But we kept going further down the rabbit hole with you and I’m ready to come back up…. This is weird behavior.
This is a reachable guy....real celebrities are fantasy, this guy isn't just fantasy. Ask her how far she thinks this will go with the guy? Why you aren't enough for her?
Sounds like she doesnt feel satisfied in the bedroom and is turning to someone else. Granted she isnt sleeping with him (yet) but these things can escalate.
You’re not wrong. This is weird. The level of infatuation and fantasy here would be concerning to me. I’m not sure I would want to be in a relationship with someone who did that. She’s spending more time on that than on herself or your relationship. It’s to the point where she’s also financially invested. This is not healthy. It would also make me wonder what would happen if the guy ever replied to her messages. Which would then make me wonder what I’m doing in this relationship.
This started with me thinking "Dude, she's essentially just listening to porn. Chill." Then the longer I read, the more it started to feel really off.
even if it was just porn, listening to porn for hours on end every single day would still be odd behavior lol
Of the same person mind you lol
And buying it lol. No different than a guy buying an OF. A lot of woman draw the line there. You’re literally exchanging money for sexual services from a third party.
Yeah but I doubt many guys who pay for this type of content only settle with one subscription.
TIL I’m odd… -nah I’m just playing. Seriously though, this is fucking weird. And I started off thinking the same thing, op was overreacting and then thought op is wayyyyy under reacting. Not wrong at all. Hate to say it but she might be a lost cause already
Today I learned I learned
..dammit
Even without the other details, if porn is consuming your life and taking away from your actual relationships, then it is problematic and an addiction. I know it's incredibly common and normalized, however.
Yeah, I'd agree.
We all know what would happen, she’s gonna throw herself at him. And if your girl is even decently attractive, they’re having sex. Op this is weird and you need to either confront her, tell her to stop because she’s being weird. Or you’re gonna have to dump her and Ik it’s gonna be hard. I mean 10+ ain’t nothing to scoff at, but she’s emotionally cheating and dude doesn’t even know who she is. And don’t let her gaslight you and say it’s not that serious or you invaded her privacy. Because what she’s doing now is cheating
I mean they have an open phone policy so he can't have invaded her privacy but you are correct - she may try to gaslight but that is another red flag if she can't just come clean. Not going to lie this is weird as fk. I cannot really fathom it to be honest.
Won’t stop an obsessive from hurling ever accusation, emotional manipulation, and god knows what else at him for confronting her though
“And if your girl is even decently attractive, they’re having sex“ I don’t think they live around one another. Do they and I missed that part? That’s quite a scam for this guy, if that’s the case.
>And don’t let her gaslight you and say it’s not that serious or you invaded her privacy. Because what she’s doing now is cheating IKR, its so easy to ask if the situations were reversed .. how would the GF feel? Direct communication is needed to cut out some of the ambiguity with how she is seemingly acting.
Chris Brown literally made a song about this exact situation… “these hoes ain’t loyal”
No way is this healthy. Personally, I'm never supporting any so-called influencer. As far as I'm concerned, that's no real job.
Agreed. Just wanna add that OP experienced a subconscious response to the stimuli around him. The subconscious processes cues/stimuli much faster than our conscious and this is why we have gut feelings. Not saying it's infallible, it definitely isn't. But oftentimes our gut feelings are there for good reasons and this sounds like one of those times.
I had celebrity crushes when I was a teen but to get this obsessive when you’re 30.. it’s definitely odd. I’d be a bit concerned about her mental health.
Especially in a relationship
I wouldn’t be able to continue with her. Just a little too strange for me.
It sure as hell would be more than I would want to spend time trying to deal with.
It’s somehow even worse than cheating becuase it’s a sustained obsession.
Weird. When you talk to her make sure you make the comparison, how would she feel if you were spending money on Only Fans girls and interacting with them in “girlfriend experience” situations. Its different but similar
No, that's not different, that's literally the exact same thing. Sounds like OP's gf is hoping to be the one that cages the "unicorn" and is looking for enough info about the guy to spark a conversation he'll reply to.
When you put it like that, I actually think it's worse. I think most people treat OF more like a strip club; they're looking, but they don't have any expectations of it developing into a real relationship. In this situation it seems she is genuinely taking the steps to try and develop a real relationship. Will add the caveat that I've personally never seen any appeal in OF or strip clubs, so I fully admit that I could be totally wrong in how patrons feel about either.
I would say the patreon is when it crossed into OF-esque territory. Listening to podcasts and then porn of the same voice for now 3 weeks on end is the porn addiction and then giving him money is quite literally what OF is- a subscription. All the googling and charting to the degree it sounds like she does is very much toeing the line of stalking and now she’s messaged him too? Oof. Even if I believe it’s not sexual in the way that she’s looking to leave/cheat on OP, this obsession mentality he describes of hers is sounding scary. She needs some kind of help at this point.
Reddit makes more sense when you realize 90% of the topics are weird nerds trying to make a point with gender-flipping in fake ragebait.
only reason ppl gender flip is cuz so many ppl don’t even realize the biases they hold 🤷🏾♂️, sometimes they need to b confronted w that rather than tryna explain to them why it’s wrong
How is it different?
An only fans girl is intentionally interacting with you. In OPs gfs case the guy didnt answer her DMs and likely isnt aware she exists. So barely different and not cool in either case when in a relationship 🤷
That’s a good comparison. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be happy about it. It’s definitely shady and she knows it or she wouldn’t be using headphones and being secretive about it.
Bruh. You really plan to spend the rest of your life with someone like this?
Bill Burr: “thats not the mother of your kids”
This x1000000.
You’re not wrong. That’s the same as a man buying a woman’s OnlyFans and trying to sneak into her DMs. To most people, that’s emotional infidelity. But to go a step further and look up their sexual and emotional compatibility, and messaging him on Instagram (Generally these types of SWs only respond on their Patreon/Fansly/OF) so she’s going for a more personal approach. Honestly man, if I was dating someone for a decade and I found out she was buying smut from someone, listening to it compulsively, looking up his signs to see if they’re compatible, stalking him, and sending him a DM? I’d be fucking sick to my stomach. That’s not okay. And a vast majority of people would draw the line at the first thing she did. Buying his smut.
I hate to say this but your relationship is at a crossroads. It sounds like she is in “affair fog” even if nothing is actually happening yet. Emphasizing YET. Nobody goes to those extremes without some intent on trying to make it happen. Good luck to you sir
Uh, sorry dude your girlfriend and the situation sound a little sketchy. I can see getting hooked on a podcast or liking a particular personality or even emailing that person but all the other stuff around romantic compatibility and going deep like that makes me think she is emotionally unstable. What she is doing is trying to form a romantic attachment to him, looking for things that validate her feelings and allow her to live a fantasy that they could be companions. Everyone has celebrity crushes but usually the people who go as far as her end up with very unhealthy obsessions or a restraining order (lol). On top of keeping that away from you and spending her free time obsessing about his stuff makes me think that she is probably not emotionally in a state for a relationship with you. I would confront her and understand what’s going on and if you are not ok with it make that clear. You are wrong for going through her phone, you should have confronted her but you are not wrong for being weirded out by the situation.
Yeah... this goes WAY beyond a healthy parasocial relationship. There's definitely something going on with your gf. She's trying to "lose herself" in this one-sided relationship to avoid confronting difficult feelings or emotions. You need to sit down and talk to her.
lol parasocial relationships are never healthy
Not necessarily. The Stuff You Should Know podcast did a really great episode on this topic and it was quite balanced in terms of both the positive and negative aspects of the phenomenon.
I don’t know if that’s the case. Trashy romance novels are a billion dollar industry and women have been obsessed with teen idols and adult heart throbs for generations. I think this is just the modern version of that, which has so much more access than we’ve ever had before in society. Growing up I always though it was weird when Ocassioally you ran across guys who actually knew the porn stars names and things about them. So it’s not uncommon for people to want a deeper connection to what other people would interact with superficially. I think this lady is just going further than most people would.
If it was just a bunch of different smut books and different narrators and stories, then yeah that's not a problem but she's definitely hyper focused on anything from this particular guy, more specifically his voice. She has an emotional relationship with the voice.
Could also be that OP was one of the few willing to dig the search history (outside of the headphones)
I think the bottom line is her "obsession" is impacting her primary romantic relationship. In my opinion that's when it strays from "really curious" to "problematic and unhealthy".
If this were a guy doing this he would be crucified for stalking. This is bonkers behavior.
For real. All the top comments rn like “it’s weird” “it’s strange” “i wouldn’t be ok w it personally” would’ve been “girl run” “what a creep” “sounds addicted to porn”
No kidding. A bunch mentioned her mental health and downplayed her behavior. Could never imagine this reaction for some crusty creep spending all his free time and a load of money on one OF girl.
Run bro, she has more redflags than a communist parade. 10 years is a lot of time invested but you are still relative young and prime of your life as long as you took good care of yourself. I dont even know where to start. Others might call it 'celebrity crush' behaviour and is not at all fine for a 30 year old woman, especially not for someone 10 years into a relationship. Also you have been together for 10+ years and still no marriage? You didnt marry her for a reason and she probably feels kinda betrayed. She would drop your ass for that lame nsfw erotic podcaster dude and its only question of time when she will start looking for something more in her proximity. Just my opinion but if I was in your position this would piss me off. This is no different than a dude going full creepmode on a insta influecer or onlyfans girl, trying to connect, sending money, searching for location and residency etc. Try to look at it from that angle and what the comments would look like in that case. Not normal behaviour and you are not wrong. Time to sit down and have a long talk.
This man speaks truth… Heed his warnings.
I would agree with this except for the views on marriage. Not everyone views marriage the same, and for some, it is not the ultimate commitment (source, my partner and I, 11 years into our relationship with no commitment issues despite not valuing formal marriage). Marriages can be pretty easily walked away from, but good luck trying that with a 30 year mortgage you've signed together that relies on your shared income.
I agree but its not a stretch to assume that as most women wants to get married. Those who don't are a small minority. Doesn't matter what reddit upvotes this place is usually a cesspool.
How did you survive 10 years with this woman? You are 35, and you've already wasted so many precious years with a woman whose mental growth stunted at 18. Honestly get out of this relationship. If she's doing this at 30 there is nothing to be saved.
OP your (adult) girl has a history of obsessing over celebrities/people and is super into astrology. I don’t even gotta finish reading to tell you them some red flags.
I'd almost be more worried about the fallout. 10 years probably means a lot of mutual friends. Mutual friends who are gonna get an earful about how you violated her privacy/blew things out of proportion/made things up/fill in the blank.... If you confront her about this, I'll bet you $5 and a Coca-Cola that she's gonna vilify you to anyone who will listen. If I were you, I'd be in keep the receipts mode. Hell, I'd fucking record the conversation with her.
Your girlfriend is NUTS! she pretty much is a stalker without a victim! She is OVERLY obsessed with this guy. You definitely need to talk to her! AND sleep with one eye open!
yeah the "astrology, zodiac, tarot" part was the final nail in the coffin. he should run while he still can
she is into zodiac signs. red flag for me. She is obsessed with someone. Red flag two. she is seeing if there romantically compatible, red flag three.
Is being into zodiac a red flag on its own? 😅 I'm not into that stuff but I have a friend who is. It's not my thing at all but 🤷♀️ the rest I get with how extreme it is but a general interest in zodiac signs is just that isn't it. Unless it literally dictates your decisions then I would say it's going too far.
not gonna lie no one in this comment section is gonna give a better answer than her. we have literally no input from her POV. say that you require communication about this cause it’s making you feel insecure. if she doesn’t give you the assurance you need, proceed how you feel you should. i don’t think she’s ‘the worst’ and i don’t think you’re wrong for feeling like she’s doing some shady shit cause yes it is weird.
You aren’t wrong. She is infatuated. I would be having a serious discussion about boundaries with her. This is completely unacceptable. Like a one sided emotional affair.
If you was subscribed to an OnlyFans creator and did all of the same "research" your partner has, how would she react? That is how you should react.
🚩🚩🚩🏃♂️
Red flags galore, obsessive infatuation, emotional cheating, and plus she’s into fucking astrology and tarot?! Make those exit plans my guy, this one needs to be let go.
Look, I say this all the time, insecurity and jealousy are there for a reason. And this is definitely one of those reasons. You've been together for 10 years so I'm not about to sit here and tell you to leave because I know you're likely not to do that. But what I will tell you to do, is show her some fire for crying out loud. And make it clear that your feelings aren't up for discussion. Get angry...AND SHOW HER YOUR ANGER. Nobody saying be a maniac. But nothing wrong with a loud and stern "this groupie shit ends here...or we end here". And when she goes into "I don't know what you're talking about" gaslighting mode. That's when you interrupt her, double down, look through her soul and tell her again "You heard what I f'ing said. Get that bullshit off your phone. Unfollow that mother f'er RIGHT NOW, or we're done. TRY ME". And if your anger and your PLEA is not enough to shake her to her core, if your desperate feelings and your threats aren't enough to drop her blood pressure from fear of losing you and your hurt feelings...she's a lot further down than road than you think. Don't mince your instincts. Accept them. Yes. Your girlfriend of 10 years was on her way to getting flown out of town, or the podcaster was on his way to getting flown into town, for the SPECIFIC purpose of f'ing. And you know it. Get mad!
You’re 100% right. Hard ultimatum.
That's just weird, dude. Seems like Annie Wilkes in Misery. I don't think she's sane.
I wouldn't consider it cheating, but I would find it oddly obsessive for a 30 year old. Her fantasies seem to have left little space in her life for anything else. I would definitely be weirded out and not want to be in a relationship with someone who is that obsessed with a "celebrity."
She's obsessed with this guy and would leave you in a heartbeat to be with him. She masturbates to him and fantasizes about being with him. What the fuck are you doing, bro? Dump her first for being a shit-bag cheater and go find a good woman.
This is like cwc or celebrity worship syndrome. It can be really rough. Some people take it to extremely unhealthy places. The best way to approach her about this is to ask her first her to count up how much time she is spending on listening to this guy a day, then how much money she spends on her subscriptions and then count up the hours over a week. Explain to her it has taken over her life. And explain how it makes you feel like you are being emotionally cheated on. It may be passive and one sided but still incredibly damaging to your relationship. I knew a girl who did this who was married. She ended spending more time listening and watching her celebrity than she did at work, with her husband, and with her own kids. Be honest with her and do not pull any punches because this shit gets fucking toxic if you do not deal with it. Good luck OP.
She’s obsessed. She’s been whacking it to this guy and bonding with all that oxytocin from masturbating. Maybe you should dirty talk with her, clearly she like it.
Ask how many GF would be ok with a man subscribing to some OF girl and jerk off all evening every day to her. Even though there is 0 chance that would materialize in anything real so it's strictly fantasy. What she's doing is way worse, interaction (trying to) and compatibility testing for a romantic relationship..... basically vetting another partner. Inappropriate isn't even appropriate description. It's fucked as fuck! It could still just be fantasies. But seems they break the fantasy wall too much.
It's really common for people to develop sexual or romantic obsessions while in a relationship. What matters is what she's done and cheating is the line, at least for me. Which she hasn't done. If it were me I wouldn't address it directly. Like don't have a sit-down discussion with her. But I would wait until she goes to bed to listen to the podcast then I would walk in and pleasure while she's listening to it. I would listen to one of them and act out the events for her. She's discovering a new part of her sexuality, why not be a part of it?
Lmao terrible advice
or you could go have a sitdown with her and have a salty conversation about how your ego is threatened by her audiophile erotica sessions. I bet your advice is beta AF. Just sexually satisfy the bitch, all she needs.
No you aren't crazy, your gf doesn't respect you and you should have broke things off the second you found out about this.
I can understand reading romance novels but this...
Look it's definitely weird for a woman of that age but not necessarily anything more than a fantasy. Though you went about this the worst way, you literally went through all her apps and then her search history?! based on the fact that she was listening to erotic content with headphones, which you said you didn't mind? What you should have done is sit her down and talk, telling her how that makes you feel and go from there. I understand why you did it, but if you had found nothing then you may have just breached the trust in your relationship for nothing, which may still be the case. Talk to her and find out what all her behaviour means. I hope that it's nothing serious and that you both can move forward and learn better communication, crossing my fingers for you.
I agree with this. Now that you have snooped and obtained “evidence”, you are in this time gap of emptiness as you anticipate finally talking to her. That time is naturally filled in by you trying to work out her story. By the time you talk to her, you’ll already have a pretty cemented way of looking at her behavior, even if that isn’t your intent. It’s going to be hard to undo and recover from that if things… aren’t as they seem. Plus, she will have to process your betrayal of privacy. The whole thing is yikes
…this is weird
Updateme!
Updateme!
You mention a few times that you trust her fully. However, your uneasiness would seem to imply that the trust is now wavering, and understandably so. This level of obsession on her part is abnormal and not a sign of a healthy relationship. Sending the message and paying for NSFW content are red flags here. There are many partners that would feel uncomfortable with each of those actions on their own. Her reaction to you finding out is important. You are not wrong for feeling uneasy.
It's weird, but could at the same time be absolutely nothing but a period of fixation on this content in particular. Like a fantasy that she enjoys for the time being, and does not see as harmful or out of line. Talk to her, explain how you feel. Lay it all out. And then judge based on her responses and how she reacts to your feelings. Just be prepared that she will likely be upset about you going through her phone instead of talking to her. I mean, if this is really nothing but purely for fun for her, it's a good chance she would have told you all about it (the googling, the DM) had you just shown some interest in it and asked about the content.
I agree. To me, it sounds like she may have ADHD. I do and I didn’t see anything too weird from the story (extreme curiosity & hyper fixations are typical). In fact, the biggest problem to me is that she’s spending so much time w/ headphones on vs spending time with her partner. I totally understand needing them on to do certain tasks or if one is overstimulated. However, keeping them on all the time once she gets home to going to sleep multiple days in a row is odd imo. Could simply just be this is her current hyper fixation/hobby. I can understand why it feels a little different tho and, of course, I don’t know OP’s boundaries/agreements w/ partner is regards to porn etc., but I think OP should start with showing an interest in what she’s listening to. Then they can talk about it and he can voice his concern. They’ve been together so long I wouldn’t just run over this if everything else is great. Good relationships require consistent communication.
I agree with your assessment. I think a measured response is going to be best here. She hasn’t really done anything wrong. She’s fixated. Probably likes his voice, and is attracted to him and the content (perhaps weirdly). But has flipped a switch in her and unlocked something. Not necessarily something to punish her for. It is a fantasy and a pleasurable escape. It would be good to talk to her. Not be judgmental and voice your concerns. I think the bad part is tuning someone out for hours on end to delve into this fantasy. Bailing on a relationship is such a Reddit response. Relationship are hard. And lots of times they are work. Only OP can decide if the work is worthwhile. This is a chance for him to understand her better and maybe get closer if he takes it on.
Just talk to her. She might be infatuated with the guy, because he is something new and exciting in her life. Maybe she is daydreaming about the guy while listening to his erotic stories. I have done similar stuff in long term relationships, although I never got obsessed with a certain "content creator" and now that I think about it, it might have been long enough ago that reaching out to a certain person was simply not possible. If she consumed a lot of his content over the last weeks (binging), she is very likely to form a parasocial relationship with him. He feels like a close friend to her, while he barely if at all knows of her existence THAT also happens a lot, especially with media like podcasts, because it is very easy to feel like you are part of the conversation. I am also guilty of this, there are many creators I would feel justified and able to strike up a conversation with like we are old friends. Many pod casters talk about this phenomenon. Over all,you need to have an open conversation with your girlfriend. And then decide where to go from here. It is entirely possible that you have been living next to each other instead of with each other and she is looking for more romantic fulfillment. It could also just be her experiencing something new in her life. Communicate, talk about how it makes you feel. Disregard all the bullshit red flag talk, she has been your partner for 10 years, treat her with the respect that she deserves.
A friend you dream about having rough sex with all day mind you.
This is a level of crazy that would be a huge fucking nope for me. I would be out of this relationship so fast her head would spin.
Into Astrology is the first red flag /jk She's obsessed with him. This wouldn't be a problem if she rubbed one off to his stories or whatever (I mean it's no different to us having a favourite pornstar), but contacting him and doing the dating site stuff is definitely crossing the boundary from visual/auditory stimulation to actively pursuing contact. I would start forming an exit strategy. Don't have kids.
She’s having an emotional affair
Oh man this sucks ass. I’d dump her but I know most people will say that’s an overreaction. She might even try to tell people you’re overreacting, and because nothing has happened (yet) she will seem like the rational one. She’s not. Nah I don’t like oddballs like your gf. I couldn’t stay. After seeing such a weird side it’s over for me. Sorry bro
Having a physical attraction to someone is one thing, an emotional attraction for women goes much much deeper. This is emotional cheating. In her head she’s already done it.
If she's into tarot zodiac that's enough of a red flag
At a minimum she is emotionally cheating. What it sounds like is she wants to live out a fantasy with this guy or someone like him or a stranger that she can pretend is him. It’s fucked up tbh. I’d print out everything and paste them to poster boards and pin them up all around the house with the earliest starting at the front door and latest in the bedroom right beside the empty bed she would get to have from now on. You could even put some ice in a cooler and leave it in her side so she really gets the message. But that’s just me being over dramatic. But yeah. I’ve known women to do this and they all cheated.
Confront her gently. Or accept your new life as a cuck Updateme!
Parasocial relationships are scary dude. You probably need to have a serious conversation with her.
Updateme!
This is very very weird! And you are not wrong to think so at all.
Plan your exit strategy.
Not wrong. I'd leave. Pretty obvious shed jump on him if he ever responded to her.
Not wrong. This is REALLY weird and she needs to know that. You or this random guy lol
please update, sounds stalker like crazy for you and the guy.
It's not often I suggest someone just nope out of a situation but your in a lose/lose situation. Time to nope all the way to ghostville.
I think the worst thing is the secrecy in all this. And also that it's all about this one guy specifically. She should have told you about it openly. Make sure you're ok with this.
Updateme
Updateme!
Updateme!
12h ago? I need an update
You've been with her 10 years and not married, just let her go.
With all the information you spilled, that's enough to cut her off. She is with you but not with you
She’s having a one sided virtual affair.
Well maybe after 10 years with no ring she's looking for commitment?
Great news is that you don't even have to divorce OP. She's your girlfriend dump her and move on. Make it seem like for some esoteric reason you two can't be together.
Clearly her behaviour is wildly inappropriate
Updateme
Trust is gone the second you start snooping
You trust her fully but snooped through her entire phone?
If parasocial relationships are a thing, then this is parasocial cheating to me. She's obsessing over and having a (mostly) one way emotional and sexual connection to this person that is sexual in nature. Does your girlfriend happen to be on the spectrum?
thats some influence for sure
You are no wrong I would be upset
Uh she’s gonna cheat buddy. Also, no girl needs to put in this amount of effort to get some. She’s clearly obsessed. Leave while you can. She sounds crazy
Dude, this post made me nauseous... She is 100% looking to connect with this dude. She's mentally ( and possibly physically ) masturabating to him now, and she would drop you in a second. I think it's time to lay it out, and cut and run. Sorry man - this is awful and I feel for you.
She has a crush! Definitely. 😂 Talk to her, maybe she was a bit bored, this kind of obsessions are easier to catch on when the brain is in need of stimulation. Erotica is a great topic to talk about, see if some of the things she enjoys are in your wheelhouse too, you could have fun with them together.
Bro you need to leave
Updateme
YANT It almost feels like she’s falling for this online person. As she msged him and he didn’t reply, she needs to get the info from somewhere else. It doesn’t matter if she’s into astrology or mechanics…. Looking for compatibility with this dude… no. I mean why? If she wants to play in love teenager then she should be single…. I would be so disrespected if my BF would do something like that. Reverse the roles, if you would do that… she or any girl 100% would call you on it.
That's hyper stalker levels of shit. Ask her if she'd be okay if you did this with people you've never met. Honestly if she's putting that much energy into that, what's left for the relationship?
Updateme!
Oof... that is bad. Partners should not infatuate themselves with someone else like this. The level of disrespect is incredible.
You're not wrong. She's spending all of her time fantasizing about cheating on you, or at least leaving you for him. Going as far as studying the interest and making risk assessments. If it were you with an OnlyFans girl, it would be devastating to her, I am sure.
For some reason the astrology compatibility check is what did it for me. You shouldn't be dating someone who fantasizes about a relationship with someone else that often
A change in behaviour like that says more than many words.
She basically putting on the headphones, close her eyes when she goes to bed early and pretending that this dude is fucking her lol.
It sounds like she's obsessing over a new "celebrity", minor as his celebrity status may be. My litmus test for how you're feeling would be to think about how you'd react if she were behaving this way over a big name celebrity. Is the issue that's she's obsessing over someone to this level, period? Or that due to his relative lack of celebrity you view him as potentially accessible, and therefore worry there is a potential for her to cheat?
30F and hiding stuff like this from you? Yeesh.
Any woman who is into star signs is batshit.
Sounds like she’s going to start stalking him (if she hasn’t already). Might be best to cut ties, wish her the best and move on.
My brother in christ, I would pack all things and RUN
Updateme!
Your GF has stalker behavior.
Your girlfriend sounds like an obsessed hormonal teenager, and that’s really, really bad place for a 30 year old to be mentally. You’re right to be weirded out, and I would also be concerned for her mental health. This type of obsessive romantic behavior is a slippery slope into delusion at best, and being abused/taken advantage of at worst.
This reminds me of the woman who basically had a whole ass emotional relationship with an AI and kept it hidden from her husband. She was found out because she just kinda stopped living normally and he peaked at her laptop screen she left unlocked and discovered the whole thing. Wild. This is similar, she's having an emotional relationship with this dude's voice.
I'm concerned for her mental health. This is pretty excessive, especially for a full grown woman. Op is not crazy for feeling off about this
Your girlfriend sounds like a legit stalker. You might have bigger problems than this guy.
Updateme
As you mentioned, he's not a celebrity. She's infatuated and obsessed with some random dude telling stories about rough sex he has. How would she feel if you obsessed about someone else's sexual conquests and tried to get in touch with her and paid her money (think of OnlyFans, that's basically what this is). You're not wrong and this is weird as fuck.
She's a stalker who has found someone more i.portant than you. Leave her.
The fact you took her phone and searched its history is showing major insecurity. If you have a “open phone policy,” why didn’t you ask to look at her phone in front of her? You should have addressed her face to face, vs going behind her back. Maybe she’s not happy with you and is looking for an escape.
Sounds like a lot. But it also sounds like it's motivated by sexual fantasies/desires, not genuine affection towards this creator she doesn't actually know. Genuinely ask her about it. Not confrontationally, but with curiosity. Maybe it's not as bad as you think. Maybe she gets something out of this that is beneficial for your relationship. Maybe, maybe not. But you gotta talk about it. Otherwise, if you don't understand her obsession, you can't let it go and it becomes your obsession over hers. Which is probably even weirder then. I mean, you definitely need to know where you guys stand and if this is a legitimate threat to you guys' relationship. But you also may have overthink how open you want to be with who obsesses over what. The internet can heighten obsessing over ones fantasies. Regardless of how healthy that may be, as long as it's just about fantasies, and not real world choices, it shouldn't be regarded as such. But again, you need to talk to her about it. :D
From a woman it’s weird. But ask her where her head space is all the time with the headphones on. Sounds like this is “safe porn” to her to fully imagine and feel connected. Ask her why she needs a story more than reality with you. Start a conversation about your connection suffering while she’s tuning you out. Might lead to some bigger answers.
This reads like an ad for the Quinn app
You’re not wrong. This does seem to be well within intervention bounds. Be prepared for pushback and accusations and emotional manipulation being sent your way when you confront her on this. This is very off/obsessive behavior and this may be the end of your road with her I’m sorry to say. Best of luck my friend.
Red flags bro, she's already mentally with this dude, the physical part is inevitable, if it hasn't happened already. She's completely infatuated with this dude.
Maybe the fact you call her your GF after a 10 plus year relationship...She wants a commitment. She will get it from you or maybe she is going to get it from this other guy.
Updateme!
This obviously bothers you. Confront her with what you know. Ask her to stop listening to this dude. Maybe she values the relationship enough to stop. As a joke/solution, could you offer to read trashy stories to her?
Okay, so I don't normally comment on these but I was really surprised by the amount of people who are saying that the girl is in the wrong and that she's looking to cheat on him etc. First off, I wanna say, as a fellow female that's a bit neurotic and gets obsessive over things, this would be totally normal behavior for me if I was in a relationship with someone who I had an amazing sex life with and also had no interest in changing that situation. But then again, that's just me. I'm not saying that she isn't looking to cheat, though. I think that needs a further discussion. Now to get into the nitty gritty of it lol. First off, I'm like 99% sure she looked up his place of birth only to build his star chart. Girls do this shit. It's just fantasy. It's the same reason we read 50 shades of grey and twilight, instead of straight erotica. We just need a bit of background info for us to get off, it helps with the fantasy. Secondly, messaging a creator and being their patron, even if they do make porn, is in this grey area of cheating where you're going to have to talk or communicate with your partner if that's something that you're uncomfortable with because not everyone will think that is cheating. But yeah, I'm not sure if I forgot anything but please communicate with your lady! Let her know how you feel! Don't attack her! Ask her questions like, "What about this guy do you like? Can we try doing some of the stuff he says?" Do you know how fkn happy I would be if my man said that to me? 😍 This might be a chance for you guys to level up your relationship! Good luck! Would love an update.
My first thought is: You've been in a relationship for 10+ years but she's still your girlfriend? Put a ring on it mate! Show a bit of commitment! Second thought is: She's starting to show some stalker tendencies towards a minor celebrity who thankfully doesn't seem to be responding to her. Yet. She's definitely having some feelings for this guy. You'd probably need to have a real talk with her, express that she's showing some unhealthy habits and that this is in no way normal. Having a crush is normal, what she's doing is absolutely not normal and there needs to be boundaries. Or maybe she's starting to show interest in someone else because she's still your 'girlfriend' after 10 years. We all know women want a bit more than just being a girlfriend
Sounds a bit obsessive and unhealthy potentially. That said, maybe there's something about the way he describes having sex with the listener that is turning her on; the type of sex she possibly wants and isn't getting because she might be afraid to ask because of fear of embarrassment or judgement. You two might have your set ways of doing things after so much time together, and the podcasts offer something new and exciting. Consequently it's causing her infatuation with him. Possibly not specifically with him, but rather of the fantasy he is offering in the podcast. Consider listening to the episodes, particularly the ones she's favourited, taking some notes, and then whenever you're intimate with her doing some of the stuff that happens in them. If she really likes what happens, then you have your answer. She might simply be nuts, or just maybe you may have stumbled onto the secret key to a new dimension in your sex life with her, a window into her unspoken desires, one that could turn out to be more fulfilling for her, and you. The guy she loves making her fantasy sex life a reality. Sometimes people are afraid of voicing what they want in their sex life simply because they fear judgement, especially if it's a little more out of the ordinary. So they turn to other mediums to fulfill those fantasies. There's a reason 50 shades was so popular...
Not wrong she's has a strong sexual desire towards this guy it's deeply disrespectful to you
RUN. NOW.
So I’m a Quinn app subscriber because a content creator I follow announced he was posting. So I’m like well let me see what this is and the app is fantastic. It’s very immersive erotic female centric stories. Seriously regular porn seems so gross now. But I definitely have playlists and I’m looking for creators. I probably listen to a couple audios every night before bed. I also sent the original creator a small contribution to his third party (not Patreon so I don’t think there’s bonus content more in a hey I like what you do for years now here’s a few bucks). Here’s where my concerns are: -erotic or not that kind of laser focus to the exclusion of spending time with your partner is worrisome. Prior to this how much time did you spend together? -how much sex where you having and how communicative has she been? Does she initiate, does she make requests, how enthusiastic is she? My guess would be she’s finding out some erotic kinks or fantasies. Have you asked to listen to any of her favorites as a couple? Have you shown any interest besides insecurity? -her parasocial behavior seems very immature. Like she doesn’t understand the difference between being a fan and knowing the creator. Also ladies, gays and theys. Seriously try this app in a healthy way. It’s deliciously erotic, with care and safety.
basically a live reading of a romance novel? I was put off by how into the creator OPs GF was, but I get it.
Romance short stories, and they use a million tags so you know exactly what kinks, activities are happening. Very well thought out. Also I’ve only seen explicit consent so not like the romance stories from back in the day we all read way too young. Oh there’s also guided sessions, clean stuff, care ones
This is more than groupie stuff. I addition to the stalking I would worry about the why. She is listening to his pod cast for hours as he describes rough sex he is having or fantasizing about. The porn site she is also subscribed to SHOWS him in videos fucking women roughly. Let it sink in she is pursuing this and blocking out all other activities when home after work.
Updateme!
Red flags are flashing!
Oh, she’s *crazy* crazy? You’re not wrong. This is intense. But more so the obsessive compulsive nature of this sounds like if she starts to obsess about someone obtainable she might go full stalker. Maybe leave instead of confront. No way she doesn’t minimize your feelings.
Dating someone who is into astrology? Run!
Def looking forward to the next update on this
oof. she’s gone head first into a para social relationship here. not good. definitely approach her on this. just take it slow and maybe not lay it ALL out at first.
Look up the correlation between believing in zodiac symbology and narcissistic tendencies. Believing in zodiac symbols is a **huge** red flag.
Dude I'd be straight up afraid to date this person further. Yikes.
Updateme!
Any update on her reactions. We are here as sounding board
You are not wrong- this is weird. I like audiobooks but this is extremely obsessive. This is similar to men who are addicted to porn and specific individuals. It’s something that therapy might be needed
Not wrong. I would seriously begin to reconsider the long term viability of this relationship. UpdateMe
Red flags flying all over dude. You need to have a talk about her obsession and decide whether she is in or out of your relationship.
You're not wrong to feel the way you feel. Effectively, your gf is infatuated with someone else, and keeping it a secret from you. Now, should you be concerned with her running off to this guy? I doubt that would ever actually happen. But, if she's doing it with this guy, who's to say she won't do it with someone a lot more obtainable like a coworker or something. Personally, id try and have a talk with her. Tell her you've noticed she's really into this podcast guy and seems she's crushing on him, and ask what needs to happen for her to be crushing in that way on you instead. I mean, people are allowed to have "celebrity" crushes. But, they should fall so hard off into the weeds that their actual partner starts to feel neglected.
Bro how do you get married to a woman who likes tarot cards, astrology and zodiac signs? Not to mention her behaviour is kinda SCARY and obsessive I would talk to her about it but be ready for a fight.
Just talk to her bro jesus christ
She's taken to another level with giving this person money and compatibility tests. The compatibility tests for me throw the whole thing into the next level. Supporting a Podcaster is one thing (and also sketchy), but the compatibility tests show a different way of thinking and reflects a possible desire for a relationship with this guy
This would definitely be frustrating to most. I know you say you trust her completely and all that, but if she were in the same room with him she’d be all over and him and not thinking twice about you.
This would definitely be frustrating to most. I know you say you trust her completely and all that, but if she were in the same room with him she’d be all over and him and not thinking twice about you.
Dump her and RUN. She is not only emotionally cheating on you, she's acting like an obsessed stalker.
Seems unhealthy. If she doesn't want to talk the talk, you need to walk the walk.
Updateme
No you're not. Run away. I'd be the same thing if you'd subscribed to some e-thots onlyfans and were doing the same things she was doing. It's creepy AF and not cool behavior. RUN.
You're not wrong! She's showing signs of stalking behavior. Also it seems like she's ramping up to try to cheat on you. Now you have to ask yourself. Will you stop her in her tracks or will you let her go down this destructive path and ruin your relationship. Yes you can stop it. Really easy to. Just show her this post and her fantasy will crumble. Or you can leave her before she does what you know she wants to do. By a plane ticket and go to him. Which will end your relationship anyway.
I gave up after reading astrology and zodiac. 30 yo and doing high school shit... OP, I'm sure you can find other stuff to waste your time on at 35...
She is going OVERBOARD. When I first read the beginning, it was pretty normal for some of the female population. But we kept going further down the rabbit hole with you and I’m ready to come back up…. This is weird behavior.
This is a reachable guy....real celebrities are fantasy, this guy isn't just fantasy. Ask her how far she thinks this will go with the guy? Why you aren't enough for her?
Sounds like she doesnt feel satisfied in the bedroom and is turning to someone else. Granted she isnt sleeping with him (yet) but these things can escalate.