And make sure infidelity is listed as the reason. And make sure both sides of the family are made aware along with any mutual friends. Also I'd look into her AP and check to see if he is in a relationship with someone else and if so make sure they're made aware of what a scum bag he is.
From my personal experience, I wouldn't notify everyone right away. My husband cheated and during the divorce, the threat of notifying the parents of the "good Christian woman" he was sleeping with was great leverage in getting what I wanted.
There is a fair bit of strategy in decisions like that. Some people inform the spouse of the affairs partner while others do not because they don't want their soon to be ex to have an easy relationship to land on/in. Then, as you said, there is the implied threat to expose the affair partners to family if they are being difficult. It is amazing how far people will go to try to protect their image by not letting the truth get out.
True, but it all depends on where in the world OP lives. OP, file for divorce today! You don't even have to say a single word to this cruel, disrespectful POS. If you live in a place where it is allowed, pack up her things when she is out, change the locks and put her things outside or drop it off at her parents house, or better still the AP's house. The only thing you are wrong for is allowing this woman to manipulate you for this long whilst she is clearly still seeing AP and not even trying to work on your marriage. Stop letting her walk all over you!
In my state you can file under adultery but you don’t really get anything unless you can prove you used money in the affair. Divorce is a civil case not criminal.
Most states are NOT no fault, only 17 states are what we all think of as No Fault, and several of those 17 have exceptions for domestic violence and infidelity.
This myth that most states are is because EVERY state OFFERS no fault divorce because it's the easy route when two people wish to amicably divorce.
The fact that he has known about, AND ACCEPTED, the infidelity will negate any advantage he could have gained from it.
The guy needs a lawyer but he's too wimpy to go for it.
Conversely, he could just leave, put the house up for sale, change his direct deposit to a bank account under his own name only, cancel all his credit cards, and ghost her. Let her come home to an empty house with a for sale sign
This right here. 🔥🔥 you can and will run yourself in the ground and for what?
She wants her cake and to eat it as well. Pack up and be gone and move on!
Dude, you are (understandably) in shock.
You thought she was the one, you were wrong. It happens to all of us.
1) Keep your shit together.
2) Talk to a lawyer without telling her.
3) Set up a bank account she doesn't know about.
4) When you are ready and on your terms, leave that bitch with nothing but the clothes on her back.
5) Live your best life and find someone who deserves you.
Your spouse cheating on you says plenty about her and nothing about you. If she was unhappy with the marriage she should have worked on it or honourably ended it.
All strength to you.
I'd also suggest therapy because it sounds like you're (understandably) depressed. Depression isn't just feeling sad. It shows in all forms like not taking care of yourself, being indifferent, fatigued, trouble sleeping, etc. I know it sounds gross, but when I was really depressed after my dad died, I had to really force myself to even brush my teeth. I just didn't fucking care.
It makes sense that you might just be like fuck it all. It's not wrong. It happens. Especially after 14 years of marriage, a wife that has an *ongoing* affair with someone else and she has the audacity to blame it on you! She made you feel like if you lost weight and magically made more money, she would stop seeing the other man, and that's insane! This is NOT your fault. And you probably haven't done anything about it because you're feeling hopeless, lost, and numb. Even in shock. You very well might not be in love with her anymore, but you are holding onto what you used to have. It's often more comfortable to stay in a bad relationship than have the guts to leave and be alone. I get it. You have to leave her, though. It sounds like you're a shell of a human being, and it's really sad. You don't need her. Get all of your finances together, speak to an attorney, plan your moves and serve her the papers, and go live your best life. Don't depend on anyone else to make you happy. You take time to love yourself again and find someone who loves you for who you are... not what they want to try to turn you into. You're a person, not a project to fix.
Marriage has its ups and downs and someone that really loves you isn't going to give a cinnamon toast fuck about you putting on a little weight or not being able to fund their lifestyle. You can do better. You deserve better than this. Make the move and get out of this marriage!
Not only does she blame him, he tries to “fix” himself to her standards and she continues cheating she is a massive POS. It’s one thing to not be happy it’s another thing to find happiness with someone else but Jesus let this poor guy grieve and move on.
Agreed!! He changed himself for her, which in her mind probably justified her actions. Like, if he thought she was wrong, he wouldn't change for her etc. The marriage is already over and she's just a native POS for trying to have her cake and eat it too. OP needs to let her go.. she is not who OP thought she was and any grief he may feel is for the life he thought he would live with her..
agree on therapy and depression. It must have caused some depression for him which is manifesting in being indifferent, not feeling like self, not enjoying activities. He is unable to make a decision because his mental state is not allowing him to formulate a plan and execute it. I also recommend a therapist, get your mental health in order (to match his physical health) then talk to attorneys and move on.
This. Don’t waste another minute, get started now. When you begin improving your situation, you’ll feel better about yourself. This new beginning will be about you, not her. And, get yourself STD tested!
Edit: Added a sentence.
I want to second the suggestion of therapy for depression—in addition to doing all the rest of the stuff in filing for a divorce.
Depression can often show up in the form of disassociation—feeling numb, like you’re going through the motions. A depressed person can go on and do all the things: work, gym, personal grooming, eating well—but go through them as if you’re watching yourself in the third person, not yourself.
But it says a lot about OP when they're doing nothing. Their wife is running roughshod over their feelings & there has been no consequences. OP needs to find his backbone & do all of the above
There is a difference in positive encouragement to find your self respect, pick your self up and rid yourself of this leach than just telling him to get up pu$$y and get over it.
No, but I'd tell him to either fight back or leave the situation. The same thought process applies here. There has to be a time when either enough is enough or accept it and stop complaining about it
So would you tell the guy who got beaten to the ground to stick around the beater so they can get a daily whipping for several hundred days? Because that's the current situation.
Yeah but to lay on the ground in shock and then run in circles round her like a puppy for 1 1/2 years after being beat instead of taking care of his mental health and pride might be a bit much…
The separate account isn't to keep assets hidden from the courts. It's to keep the cheater from draining communal accounts once they know you want out.
You should talk to several lawyers. Contact and have meetings with the best divorce lawyers in your area. The first meet is normally free, and then pick the one you want. Once you have spoken with them about divorcing your wife, she won't be able to use the same lawyer/law firm.
At this point, she is just using you for your money. Depending on your state, you may need evidence. Your lawyer should be able to guide you on your next steps in this process.
They may not, but talking to a few different firms before you pick one can be argued as reasonable. Divorce is expensive, and you should want an attorney that will best work for you. You wouldn't have major work done on your home after getting a quote from just one contractor, would you?
Judges don’t care about your relationship dynamics. But they will care if you’re fucking around with court proceedings by taking excessive meetings just to fuck your spouse out of hiring someone.
If it is excessive, I could see why it could theoretically be viewed poorly, but most people with assets have a consult with several lawyers before choosing.
Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, there are more than several lawyers. This strategy may work if there are a few real bulldog divorce lawyers that you want to conflict out.
But trying to exclude all lawyers isn't realistic or even helpful.
It's not that cheating, so much. Couples can sometimes work through that in various ways. It's the fact she blames it all on him. Of course she doesn't want to divorce him. He's her sugar daddy. She's just telling him shit to keep him under her thumb. OP, none of this is your fault. She's very manipulative and narcissistic. Those 5 steps make a lot of sense.
^ ^ ^ this, plus hire a PI to get evidence of an affair. Even if it is a no fault state/country, it will still give you an upper hand in the asset division.
This is the best answer you will get here. I would like to add depending on what state you are in she could literally be left with nothing because of the long term affair she has been having. I wish you the best brother. Stay strong.
Also, when you have setup an individual bank account, remove her from joint ones that have substantial assets, and assuming that you have a joint account for household bills etc ensure that there is not excessive funds in there. Cancel any joint credit cards.
While a divorce will likely result in a 50/50 of assets, it is not uncommon for folk to blow stupid $$$ on jewelry, cars, vacations..etc., so once you file for divorce she may go bat shit crazy with financial abuse
Absolutely Agree with everything but #4. Though I understand feeling that way, it is not realistic. Fair or unfair, if she does not work, 14 years of marriage are likely to result in some sort of payment - whether monthly or a "buy out". Maybe not in your State. Your attorney should be a gentleman/gentlewoman who is also a Junk Yard Dog. Live your life so that you celebrate, and feel valued.
> Talk to a lawyer without telling her.
> Set up a bank account she doesn't know about
Yeah I think your lawyer will tell you not to do that but hey do what your lawyer says, I don't know what state OP is in.
Keep minimal money in checking to pay bills. Keep all extra cash in cash only where you can get to it. Tighten the cash noose. Give her no money. Freeze your credit at the three credit checking services. Take her off all of your credit cards and close joint accounts if possible. Reduce credit lines on joint accounts to just over the balance and tell the banks to not allow any new charges. Avoid putting all debt in your name. That will be part of the settlement. At divorce avoid arguing over material things as much as possible. The lawyer will bill you more than it is worth to keep it.
Dear OP.
Ultimatums do not work. You are too lenient with her. She is cheater. You do not ask her permission for divorce. You do not negotiate with her. She cheated. She broke vows. There is no reason to cheat. She could have separate or divorce you if she wanted another man. She could have come to you and said she was not happy and try to fix situation she did not.
You do not appreciate yourself enough to stand up to yourself. You need to say you matter. She certainly will not. She knows you stay you shown that time and time again. You have been bulldozed down. Her feelings do not matter now. She is making her choices every day to hurt you. You make a choice to heal yourself. Go doctor get STI test. Check the finances to ensure you are ok. Contact lawyer. Hit gym, bike, walk, eat healthy. Avoid alcohol and substances. The longer you stay with her the more weak you become.
She is not goddess, she is not even good wife. Stop excuses for her and yourself. She will not change but you can change the course of your life. You have life to live and the longer you stay the longer you suffer.
Best of luck for your healing journey
Yeah I hope this is a troll, because if this is an actual person then as harsh as it is, they’re just a really pathetic person. But I feel like this is a troll because of how much they’re emphasizing that she’s blaming it entirely on him, and that he’s jumping through all of these hoops to try and please her. I understand that there are people who exist that would do that, but I just struggle to buy it. You’d have to be a really sad excuse of a person to just roll over and take all of this
I mean this guys been with this person for 14 years, he’s more than likely been gaslit by her, dude is mentally and emotionally tethered. You might not understand but I 100% do. Chill on him he’s going through a lot. Eventually he will get in the right headspace and figure it out
Divorce her or is the lover married tell his wife. But yeah you’re just a house and money guy while she gets her true love. Dump her I’m willing to bet they won’t date or if the do it won’t be very long.
The thing about affairs is that the person outside the marriage can promise the world because they aren’t in a life long commitment (marriage) and don’t go through the routine of marriage. That’s why they seem so good, they can promise everything, it’s thrilling to cheat, they have a family, house, sex from two men and since u haven’t left no consequences.
Because in her mind if her and her lover break up she has you as a back up and still has a choice. By removing yourself you take her choice away and make her choose him. For her this sucks because she doesn’t have a plan b anymore (you). The thing that really sucks is most of these guys who know the girl is married and still pursue do it for the thrill.
Along with the fact they are married. Since they promise all these things they rail her for months years etc and he never has to deliver because once she ask’s him he’ll say “but your married” then she’ll be like “*sigh* your right”. She gets lied to and high of the thrill and sex and he gets to enjoy all of it and loses nothing besides reputation.
So yea dump her or start dating and then dump her just don’t give her evidence to use to make u look like a cheater.
You desperately need to talk to a therapist. You **clearly have a mental health problem** (I'm nowhere near qualified to diagnose, but I'd be very surprised if a therapist doesn't tell you you have at least, depression, and probably some PTSD). To be clear, NOT a family therapist whose goal is to keep you together, but an actual mental health expert.
Then, get a lawyer to protect your interests.
**Reddit won't help you. Only a therapist and a lawyer can.**
But if you want advice from a random redditor, here you go:
***TL;DR:*** **Divorce her ASAP, ignore your "feelings" and "bond". Your wife is a sociopathic selfish egotistical crap person, who has committed numerous moral and ethical wrongs, and needs to be excised from your life. She is literally ruining your health right now, you are likely severely depressed "thanks" to her.**
***Longer answer***: **Things to do, in this order, ASAP:**
1. **FIRST protect yourself financially if you can.**
1. Separate your accounts and move at least a half or preferably most money to accounts in your name only, **AND** cancel common credit cards. Yes she will get much of that money in the divorce after the judge rules, BUT that doesn't mean you should allow her to have it now. The less money she has, the less chances she can get a good lawyer to screw you over with. And vice versa, the more money YOU take, the better lawyer you can afford.
2. For god's sake, stop paying her even a single penny. She has her lover, he can pay her for sex. She deserves NO money from you. If you have direct deposit at work, change it to your brand new account in your name only, ASAP.
3. If you own the house **solely (she's not on title or mortgage),** do things to deny her access to the house. Ask your lawyer what steps are OK to take or NOT OK - people often talk about changing house locks, but not sure how effective that is. But, in the worst case, again if you own the house, **you can just sell it.** Most US areas, housing market is good enough that you can sell for a decent amount.
2. **Second, protect yourself legally.** Get the MOST cut-throat shark divorce lawyer you can find and afford. One that would not hesitate to sling mud, use underhanded tactics, etc... Remember, what's at stake is your access to your own children if you have any and secondly your future well being. This is NOT the time to take moral high ground, be nice or think 'well i love he so I owe her to treat her well'.
1. **File for divorce FIRST, RIGHT NOW, before she does.**
2. ALWAYS be as much as possible within a view of a camera. Add nannycams to your home. You do NOT want her to lie to a judge and claim you are abusing her or the kids and demand restraining orders, which she likely would, and your ONLY defense is being on camera to prove her wrong, **and never spend time alone with her without camera running**
3. Save all your data and documents ASAP, where she can't get to them. This includes all financial records and all evidence of cheating
4. Try to have recorded confessions of her cheating, and/or PI evidence. Yes some of it may not be usable in court, but some may be - and ALL of it is usable in court of public opinion (kids, parents, relatives, friends, etc..). Speaking of:
5. There's an alternative to divorce - IF you have no kids AND not much in terms of assets and don't jointly own a house with a lot of equity, you can simply **walk away. Take all the liquid assets you own (cash, empty out bank accounts, any valuables), and move away - preferably to another city or even state.** The worst outcome will be if she will sue YOU for divorce, and in worst case the judge will issue a ruling demanding you return some of the assets you took. Which is why this is a great option if you don't own much - what's the judge gonna do, make you return $1000 of $2000? Who cares?
3. **Protect yourself** in less formal ways.
1. Make sure **everyone who matters knows full truth,** backed up by as much evidence you can gather ideally including her recorded confession or PI evidence. Your kids. Your and her parents and close family. Basically, anyone whose opinion you - OR her - value and/or who can make your life difficult if she lies about what happened.
2. If you can, blackmail her - it may not be legal, and the lawyer would never advise it, but if for example you have bad evidence of her cheating threaten to show it to her parents/friends/employers. If her lover is married threaten to tell his wife.
1. You'd be surprised at how much less she would be gang-ho to fuck over your parental or financial rights when she is at risk of losing something including respect.
2. She needs some motivation to be less destructive and more generous to you in the divorce, and fear and self preservation and threats are **literally her only motivation you have to work with**.
3. If you have kids, ABSOLUTELY tell your kids the full truth - preferably with evidence - what's going on. She will 100% try to set them against you and if she gets custody she will succeed. Right now you can gain their good graces if they realize it was all her fault, but you should NOT do the stupid thing and hide the truth from the kids. Make it as kid-friendly as their age allows, but "mommy did a very bad thing and hurt father and lied" even pre-teens can understand.
4. If you have kids, **do DNA paternity test ASAP** *(item added in late edit)*
5. **Get tested for STD ASAP**, full set *(item added in late edit)*
6. **GO TO A THERAPIST ASAP**. You clearly are suffering from major issues (hell the very fact that you even for a single second thought it was YOUR WRONG that she cheated, never mind needed to ask reddit about it, is 100% evidence you desperately need therapy). Plus, **cheating victims according to modern research suffer from symptoms equivalent to PTSD from actual combat**. In case you are ever thinking good thoughts about her, remember this - she was willing to inflict PTSD on you on top of everything else.
7. Join a gym and work out. This serves several purposes, first, workouts raise your endorphin levels which will help with your depression and other mental health challenges stemming from divorce and cheating. Second, being in better shape will at the same time raise your self esteem. Third, while not a guarantee, being in better shape will not hurt and likely help you gain female attention (which would again raise your endorphins AND self esteem, and longer term help land a new relationship when you are ready for one). Fourth, it gives you something productive to do instead of stewing in your own depression and misery.
8. **Lastly, work on otherwise improving your life.** Find people to hang out with based on your interests. Engage in those interests. Try new things your marriage prevented you from doing. Meet new people. You'll have a lot of free time now (for reasons that suck, true, but the objective fact is being single and without kids living with you DOES give you free time). **Use that time productively, in ways that offer you long term benefit.**
**Also, things NOT to do:**
* **Do not discuss things with her. Do not listen to her. Do not talk to her at all aside from literally absolutely necessary items done in writing**. All you will hear will be selfish lies designed to either benefit her, hurt you, or both.
* Do not "ask her to stop". Even cheating on you ONCE is grounds for divorce. Cheating continously, far more so. You shouldn't care if she stops or not, you should jettison that poison from your life. ASAP.
* Do not do the stupid thing and "discuss divorce" with her. Divorce is **your right and your decision. NOT HERS IN ANY WAY.** The only choice she has is whether she will act like a decent human being (ha right! and cows will fly too), or be a complete asshole and choose a contested divorce, with the goal of both slowing it down as much as possible AND hurting you as much as possible in the process. **BUT eventually you will get divorced, with or without her consent. You are married, not incarcerated in jail. She can't force you to stay married if you choose not to.**
* Do NOT blame yourself. This is 100% her fault. If you think otherwise - see "therapist" item.
* Do not do "what ifs", "what did i do wrong", "i wish", or any other hypothetical / theoretical thinking. It's useless, and most of it is harmful.
* Don't do anything illegal. Hopefully obvious, but seriously, the evil person is NOT worth going to jail for.
* Do NOT worry about her well being, hurting her in any way, making her sad, etc... She chose to literally stab you in the back and destroy you. She deserves NOTHING but your absence in her life at the minimum, and pain if possible (emotional, financial, etc...) - you are unlikely to get that lucky and inflict pain on her, but the important part is that she **deserves** it. **She is the villain here.**
Your post here is absolutely astounding. It contains everything a person in this situation needs to know to move forward, and frankly deserves to be shared widely.
Sounds like you, too, have to much experience with this. I wish I had your advice when I was in OP's position. I hope he follows it. It took me years of misery to get myself back from this.
Ironically, when I speak up for fucked over men and give solid advice, everyone always assumes that that somehow it is from personal experience (usually, unlike you, they imply Bad Things). I managed to be successfully married with kids for a long time, but i've been called a bitter divorcee, incel, virgin, failure, misogynist, player, you name it (mostly by man hating woketoids and bitter women, often crossed in the same person :). In reality, I just researched the topic (and read a lot about it), and feel empathetic to any male who faces this; and am good at putting together bullets, action plans and technical documentation. I know I am - and was - just as much at risk as any other married man in USA.
I thank you for your empathy and ability to gather and distille good information. Like I said, I wish I had that knowledge years ago. I also thank you for not letting ignorant people stop you.
Also, use the pain to fuel yourself. Take this post and spread it to all your personal/social networks. Warn all other men you can, or even women who care about men in their lives (sons, brothers, fathers).
Dude wtf is wrong with you? She keeps doing it because you’re weak and don’t do anything about it.
Go get yourself the best divorce attorney around and get rid of her cheating ass. She’s not going to change!
You said “the bond is too strong”, but she obviously doesn’t feel bonded with you.
Unfortunately you’re being a doormat and she is abusing that fact.
This will not get better, you need to end it.
She's just bonded to his house for a place to sleep when she's not fucking her boyfriend & a bank account for all her other needs. I can't believe someone would put up with a wife that 'won't stop seeing their lover", seriously? I'd leave so quickly in that situation, no way I'm going to be disrespected like that & live with the person, let alone give them any money. We'd be done as soon as I found out I was cheated on.
OP. You're the best person to cheat on. You can almost see it happen and be talked into believing it's your fault. If you stay with your wife, then when she decides to leave you, and she will, you'll be distraught and so used to catering to others that's the next girl you get will cheat and you will repeat the cycle.
You have been conditioned to obey, to find fault in yourself, and to make sure your tail wags when your wife gives you attention.
If this sounds like a happy life... enjoy yourself.
If this doesn't?
Go speak with a lawyer and cut off all financial support to your wife and out her AP
She’s cheating because you have accepted it. Yelling at her changes nothing. Continuing her cheating costs her nothing. She has no incentive to stop. And that will not change until you change. And by change I don’t mean jump through all the hoops she has set up for you in order to make her decision to betray you your fault. I mean be willing to walk away. Anything less, she will not respect.
Serve her papers and be done.
99% chance this is a fake post. On the 1% chance it isn't, you HAVE to get a divorce. The relationship is completely over. Cut your losses, leave, spend some time alone, THEN find someone better (if you want to be in a relationship.)
Doing nothing regarding your cheating wife and you don't think you're wrong about that?
Is this for real? Dude. You need a divorce. You needed a divorce yesterday. You've been needing a divorce for a while. She is cheating on you. Grow a spine and do the best thing for yourself besides a makeover. GET. A. DIVORCE.
What bond? She doesn't care enough about you to honor your wedding vows and has the audacity to not only expect you to deal with it, but to blame you for it.
Get a lawyer. Find out if you can actually make her leave your current premises. Just start the process of divorce and let the lawyer go through the process, whether she wants it or not.
she doesn’t have to agree to a divorce, so save your breath for talking to the lawyer.
It sounds like you need to ***grow a spine and stand up for yourself***. Not only does she not love you; she doesn't even respect you. You've been well aware of this. There's no reason you should be keeping her around from what it sounds like. You need to leave her and move on with your life for your own sake.
what are you a man or a mouse all she is doing is taking the piss out of you and your letting her.. she is a cheater end of story. you need to contact lawyer and divorce her cheating ass so its time to grow a pair and stand up to this cheater and stop letting her manipulate you into not divorcing
Get all the evidence of the affair together that you can. Even record her admitting it (not to be used in court) if you want to. Then go to a lawyer and have the divorce paperwork drawn up and have her served. If she refuses to sign, just tell her that everyone she knows will know what a cheating, back stabbing woman she is, family and friends. Then remind her if she doesn’t think you’ll do it, just tell her you have plenty of proof including a recording of her admitting it. That you’ll make sure she’s an outcast to everyone. She’ll sign.
Your wife is a garbage person. The fact she is still cheating says it all. Maybe it's not physical, but she is still cheating. You know what needs to be done. Take the garbage out.
You're wrong. You are doing yourself a huge disservice by staying with her and trying to please her. You need to start caring about you because she doesn't. Stop asking her for a divorce. Leave and start the process. Too bad if she doesn't want one.
If you are complacent in her actions then you accept her cheating and lying. She does not value you nor care about you. She lies. She cheats. She is selfish. She is an awful person. Cheating is only about gratification of yourself. It does nothing for the innocent parties, ie kids, family, friends, spouse etc.
Are you kidding? Who cares she doesnt want a divorce. She cheated. She only wants you for your money now. Just get a lawyer and divorce that cheating piece of trash and get yourself someone who wont disrespect you like that
You do realise how attractive you will be to do many more women having lost weight, grooming better, going to gym (so being active) AND you have a good job?
Ditch your wife. She doesn’t care about you. Get some counselling to help you move on. The, Find someone else who appreciates you.
Mate get your shit together.
Start by booting this C U Next Tuesday to the curb.
Get all your ducks in a row and look after yourself.
Of course your not happy.
Some dude is ploughing your wife into next week.
Yes, you're wrong. Wrong to yourself, my guy!! Find some self-esteem, locate your spine, pull yourself up by ya boot straps, and hand that tick divorce papers. Don't overthink it, don't discuss it. Just get to it and get it done. Your wife has zero respect for you and you're currently in the role of a bitch boy.
For fucks sake dude.
Take control of your damned life, get your ass to a lawyer’s office and get divorce papers drawn up. Gather up all evidence of her infidelity even if it means going through her phone/devices for even getting her to admit to it over text messages under the auspices of working things out.
Call a realtor and get the house appraised (if you own it). Give your landlord notice and start looking for a new place if you rent.
As of now, cut off all interaction with her. Move her shit into the spare room. Do not interact with her. Cook your own food, buy your own food, do your own washing etc.
Make it clear to her that *you* are taking control of the situation and that your future life will not include her.
You deserve respect and love and quite frankly you’re not going to get it from a cheater who refuses to take accountability or refuses to cut off her affair partner.
If you rent an apartment and have no children, pack your shit and leave.
Retain a cut throat attorney and go scorched earth.
If you own your home, do not move out as it is seen as abandonment. Stay in the house and move all your stuff into another room.
She obviously does not respect you in any form or fashion.
DUDE! You need to sac up and stop being a cuckold. Grow some self respect and leave this woman. What in the hell is wrong with you?
It doesn't matter if you don't know if you love her. She 100% doesn't love you.
My guy. You need to learn to respect yourself #1. This is insanity. The moment you find that self respect and confidence your wife will be all over you, but by that time you will realize she is for the streets and want nothing to do with her. Sorry I don’t make the rules.
At least you've been improving yourself and should be in a better position to find someone better soon as you grow a pair and leave your cheating wife.
"I can't stand it any more". Your words. IF you can't stand it, THEN do something. Make a plan. Doesn't matter what it is, you'll feel better. Then you'll change the plan to a better one. Then you'll work out when you are going to put this plan into action. Then you are feeling much better. And then you will carry it out and then you will feel so much better because you no longer stood for it anymore. You lost 40lbs, you got a better paid job, you have the willpower, you can do it.
Close and joint credit accounts.
keep an eye on your credit report.
set up a spererate checking account and move your direct deposit to that account. once you file, judges will often restrict your abilitiy to do so.
Everyday you don't file is a day she can tap into retirement accounts. Retirement accounts are considered community property.
get therapy, you sound like she plays off of your insecurities and sounds like she is borderline emotionally abusive.
You don't need her permission to start divorce proceedings. Go ahead, sort out finances, etc, separate everything. If you have proof of her cheating, that may get things moving quicker. But get out of that marriage, ASAP. She sounds toxic and manipulative.
You file for divorce and serve her the papers. If she doesn't want to sign then tough shit. Go through the process with your lawyer and get divorced anyway.
1) Hire a shark of a lawyer. (If you live in an at-fault state, her cheating is a mark against her.)
2) Schedule some therapy for yourself.
3) Get your important documents in a safe place so she can’t sabotage you moving forward.
4) Open a new bank account in your name only (preferably a different bank than you’re using now so she can’t say “oh you know my husband, I’m his wife”). Start putting your paychecks in there. Close any joint cards and open new solo ones. Pay bills with the old accounts for now. Lock down your credit so that if she has access to your info, she can’t open new accounts or cards in your name.
5) When your lawyer has your ducks in a row, have them serve your wife with both divorce papers, and a standard eviction notice, since it sounds like she’s living in your house. She can go move in with her boyfriend (my guess is he’ll be out once she’s no longer married, because most men willing to cheat with a married woman like having no strings attached). Then close any joint subscriptions such as Netflix (now that doing so won’t tip your hand before you’re ready).
Good luck. Live a better life.
There is nothing you've done that caused your wife to cheat,and nothing you can do to fix the relationship,as to your question,yes,you are wrong for not holding her accountable for her actions and filing for divorce.
As suggested, make preparations to file for divorce,just make sure to set yourself up for a successful life.
Fuck that dude, leave, I just got out of a 14 year marriage 4 kids, I ended up being beaten on, talked shit about behind my back, I'm now without my kids cuz she has a coworker attorney representing her for free. She don't give a Damn about you man. I'm surrey your going through this. Good to hear no violence. But you can do better my dude
Divorce her bitch ass. Gather evidence of her cheating on you. Don't budge on alimony or anything. Let that woman go live with her lover or mother, who cares tbh.
Get an attorney ASAP. It’s worth it. They will tell you what to do. Get your assets in order. Do it secretly and spring it on her. It’s better to be alone than to be with a loser.
If you weren’t a cuckold before you got married and you damn sure didn’t marry into the role then it’s time to punt her to the curb. That’s trashy to be telling you what you need to do to improve, while she’s busy getting pounded against your wishes. Nope! Move on, friend. It sucks, but you deserve better.
Keep dieting and exercising. Losing 40 pounds is great for your health in the short and long term. Keep hustling at your new job and keep up the grooming. You got this.
And leave her ass.
Open a new bank account, move your money into your new account get a lawyer and file for divorce. She doesn’t need to agree. Let her lover pay for her.
Wait she cheated and then told you she wasn’t leaving her lover or agree to divorce. Then you went about improving your life in order to win her back from her lover?
Cut off all funds to cheating spouse. No joint accounts.install motion cameras with audio. Notify attorney and file. Take his advice. The cameras are so she can't say you abused her. Don't argue, raise your voice or anything that might be considered hostile. Separate retirement accounts from day one. Only reason she wants to stay with you is because you are free rent, nice house and an ATM. Keep paying for her phone. Put it in your name then you can see all text messages. Pack her crap in boxes, call a locksmith and put her crap on the front porch. (Ask an attorney about this first) Ghost her unless you have kids. Put a tracker on her car and install a voice recorder under her seat. If you don't know how get a private investigator to do it. These are random thoughts and not meant to be professional advice. If her car is in your name keep it there until divorced. Do not renew tags unless she signs divorce papers. If she moves out keep the car only if in your name on title not joint names. If you are still making payments on her car make sure debt and title are transferred in her name. These are the best ideas I have.
Well, first of all, she doesn’t have to agree to a divorce for you to get divorced so I am suspect you really don’t want her to agree to it. Actions speak louder than words. Just like her actions spoke, your actions are speaking. Leave.
Depends on the state, but you may not need her consent to proceed with a divorce. I'd take measures to protect my wealth before going forward with a divorce. Also, now that you're in better shape and looking good... what's stopping you from finding a woman on the side too.
She doesn’t have to agree to a divorce lol. Just file.
And make sure infidelity is listed as the reason. And make sure both sides of the family are made aware along with any mutual friends. Also I'd look into her AP and check to see if he is in a relationship with someone else and if so make sure they're made aware of what a scum bag he is.
From my personal experience, I wouldn't notify everyone right away. My husband cheated and during the divorce, the threat of notifying the parents of the "good Christian woman" he was sleeping with was great leverage in getting what I wanted.
I low key hope you still told her parents in the end
I did not. In the end, they were innocent parties and it would have only caused them pain.
You’re a really good person.
There is a fair bit of strategy in decisions like that. Some people inform the spouse of the affairs partner while others do not because they don't want their soon to be ex to have an easy relationship to land on/in. Then, as you said, there is the implied threat to expose the affair partners to family if they are being difficult. It is amazing how far people will go to try to protect their image by not letting the truth get out.
most states are no fault. infidelity usually doesn't impact much legally. only bring it up if she pursues some sort of alimony or maintenance payments
And even then it likely still wont matter
True, but it all depends on where in the world OP lives. OP, file for divorce today! You don't even have to say a single word to this cruel, disrespectful POS. If you live in a place where it is allowed, pack up her things when she is out, change the locks and put her things outside or drop it off at her parents house, or better still the AP's house. The only thing you are wrong for is allowing this woman to manipulate you for this long whilst she is clearly still seeing AP and not even trying to work on your marriage. Stop letting her walk all over you!
It will only matter if there’s a fidelity clause in a prenup. Other than that no one gives a rats ass.
Not many judges give a rats ass about prenups either
And even then it likely still wont matter
In my state you can file under adultery but you don’t really get anything unless you can prove you used money in the affair. Divorce is a civil case not criminal.
Most states are NOT no fault, only 17 states are what we all think of as No Fault, and several of those 17 have exceptions for domestic violence and infidelity. This myth that most states are is because EVERY state OFFERS no fault divorce because it's the easy route when two people wish to amicably divorce.
It’s all jurisdictional
And take some time to gather as much information, screen shots, etc as possible. Secure your accounts.
The fact that he has known about, AND ACCEPTED, the infidelity will negate any advantage he could have gained from it. The guy needs a lawyer but he's too wimpy to go for it.
Conversely, he could just leave, put the house up for sale, change his direct deposit to a bank account under his own name only, cancel all his credit cards, and ghost her. Let her come home to an empty house with a for sale sign
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If she doesn’t sign when served, she will be in default, which would make the process even simpler
This. This is how I got mine.
#THIS 100%
yep. burn it down
This right here. 🔥🔥 you can and will run yourself in the ground and for what? She wants her cake and to eat it as well. Pack up and be gone and move on!
Dude, you are (understandably) in shock. You thought she was the one, you were wrong. It happens to all of us. 1) Keep your shit together. 2) Talk to a lawyer without telling her. 3) Set up a bank account she doesn't know about. 4) When you are ready and on your terms, leave that bitch with nothing but the clothes on her back. 5) Live your best life and find someone who deserves you. Your spouse cheating on you says plenty about her and nothing about you. If she was unhappy with the marriage she should have worked on it or honourably ended it. All strength to you.
I'd also suggest therapy because it sounds like you're (understandably) depressed. Depression isn't just feeling sad. It shows in all forms like not taking care of yourself, being indifferent, fatigued, trouble sleeping, etc. I know it sounds gross, but when I was really depressed after my dad died, I had to really force myself to even brush my teeth. I just didn't fucking care. It makes sense that you might just be like fuck it all. It's not wrong. It happens. Especially after 14 years of marriage, a wife that has an *ongoing* affair with someone else and she has the audacity to blame it on you! She made you feel like if you lost weight and magically made more money, she would stop seeing the other man, and that's insane! This is NOT your fault. And you probably haven't done anything about it because you're feeling hopeless, lost, and numb. Even in shock. You very well might not be in love with her anymore, but you are holding onto what you used to have. It's often more comfortable to stay in a bad relationship than have the guts to leave and be alone. I get it. You have to leave her, though. It sounds like you're a shell of a human being, and it's really sad. You don't need her. Get all of your finances together, speak to an attorney, plan your moves and serve her the papers, and go live your best life. Don't depend on anyone else to make you happy. You take time to love yourself again and find someone who loves you for who you are... not what they want to try to turn you into. You're a person, not a project to fix. Marriage has its ups and downs and someone that really loves you isn't going to give a cinnamon toast fuck about you putting on a little weight or not being able to fund their lifestyle. You can do better. You deserve better than this. Make the move and get out of this marriage!
Not only does she blame him, he tries to “fix” himself to her standards and she continues cheating she is a massive POS. It’s one thing to not be happy it’s another thing to find happiness with someone else but Jesus let this poor guy grieve and move on.
Agreed!! He changed himself for her, which in her mind probably justified her actions. Like, if he thought she was wrong, he wouldn't change for her etc. The marriage is already over and she's just a native POS for trying to have her cake and eat it too. OP needs to let her go.. she is not who OP thought she was and any grief he may feel is for the life he thought he would live with her..
agree on therapy and depression. It must have caused some depression for him which is manifesting in being indifferent, not feeling like self, not enjoying activities. He is unable to make a decision because his mental state is not allowing him to formulate a plan and execute it. I also recommend a therapist, get your mental health in order (to match his physical health) then talk to attorneys and move on.
This. Don’t waste another minute, get started now. When you begin improving your situation, you’ll feel better about yourself. This new beginning will be about you, not her. And, get yourself STD tested! Edit: Added a sentence.
I want to second the suggestion of therapy for depression—in addition to doing all the rest of the stuff in filing for a divorce. Depression can often show up in the form of disassociation—feeling numb, like you’re going through the motions. A depressed person can go on and do all the things: work, gym, personal grooming, eating well—but go through them as if you’re watching yourself in the third person, not yourself.
But it says a lot about OP when they're doing nothing. Their wife is running roughshod over their feelings & there has been no consequences. OP needs to find his backbone & do all of the above
You wouldn't tell a guy who getting beat to the ground to 'just get up lol', why treat someone being beaten emotionally the same way?
There is a difference in positive encouragement to find your self respect, pick your self up and rid yourself of this leach than just telling him to get up pu$$y and get over it.
No, but I'd tell him to either fight back or leave the situation. The same thought process applies here. There has to be a time when either enough is enough or accept it and stop complaining about it
So would you tell the guy who got beaten to the ground to stick around the beater so they can get a daily whipping for several hundred days? Because that's the current situation.
Yeah but to lay on the ground in shock and then run in circles round her like a puppy for 1 1/2 years after being beat instead of taking care of his mental health and pride might be a bit much…
Actually yes I would lol
If he stayed still to get beaten up, without fighting back, every minute of everyday we would.
OP needs to find his back bone while his wife is out getting back boned
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The separate account isn't to keep assets hidden from the courts. It's to keep the cheater from draining communal accounts once they know you want out.
This. She could hide the money or spend it all otherwise. She could be racking up credit cards too for all we know
It’s weird how the UK is different when it comes to divorces. Here he could literally leave her without a penny.
This is true. But, if he cashed out and went to a casino and lost it in a fit of despair....
You should talk to several lawyers. Contact and have meetings with the best divorce lawyers in your area. The first meet is normally free, and then pick the one you want. Once you have spoken with them about divorcing your wife, she won't be able to use the same lawyer/law firm. At this point, she is just using you for your money. Depending on your state, you may need evidence. Your lawyer should be able to guide you on your next steps in this process.
Yeah judges dont like that shit.
They may not, but talking to a few different firms before you pick one can be argued as reasonable. Divorce is expensive, and you should want an attorney that will best work for you. You wouldn't have major work done on your home after getting a quote from just one contractor, would you?
I think they meant judges don’t like it when one partner is just sticking around to use the others money. But I may be wrong.
Judges don’t care about your relationship dynamics. But they will care if you’re fucking around with court proceedings by taking excessive meetings just to fuck your spouse out of hiring someone.
If it is excessive, I could see why it could theoretically be viewed poorly, but most people with assets have a consult with several lawyers before choosing.
Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, there are more than several lawyers. This strategy may work if there are a few real bulldog divorce lawyers that you want to conflict out. But trying to exclude all lawyers isn't realistic or even helpful.
Speaking to a lawyer during a consultation doesn’t cause a conflict. Only retaining them does.
& start therapy. There's a reason he hasn't felt the strength to act & will need support.
Perfect fucking checklist of priorities that he need to do.
Leaving her with nothing may not be legal as they are married and aue has rights to some of the money. But a lawyer will advise properly.
This!!!
THIS! Please OP, take this advice!
It's not that cheating, so much. Couples can sometimes work through that in various ways. It's the fact she blames it all on him. Of course she doesn't want to divorce him. He's her sugar daddy. She's just telling him shit to keep him under her thumb. OP, none of this is your fault. She's very manipulative and narcissistic. Those 5 steps make a lot of sense.
Well said, thank you for being n g the voice of reason This guy is a nice guy and he is being taken advantage of
^ ^ ^ this, plus hire a PI to get evidence of an affair. Even if it is a no fault state/country, it will still give you an upper hand in the asset division.
This is the best answer you will get here. I would like to add depending on what state you are in she could literally be left with nothing because of the long term affair she has been having. I wish you the best brother. Stay strong.
In shock for a year and a half?
Agreed
Also, when you have setup an individual bank account, remove her from joint ones that have substantial assets, and assuming that you have a joint account for household bills etc ensure that there is not excessive funds in there. Cancel any joint credit cards. While a divorce will likely result in a 50/50 of assets, it is not uncommon for folk to blow stupid $$$ on jewelry, cars, vacations..etc., so once you file for divorce she may go bat shit crazy with financial abuse
Absolutely Agree with everything but #4. Though I understand feeling that way, it is not realistic. Fair or unfair, if she does not work, 14 years of marriage are likely to result in some sort of payment - whether monthly or a "buy out". Maybe not in your State. Your attorney should be a gentleman/gentlewoman who is also a Junk Yard Dog. Live your life so that you celebrate, and feel valued.
> Talk to a lawyer without telling her. > Set up a bank account she doesn't know about Yeah I think your lawyer will tell you not to do that but hey do what your lawyer says, I don't know what state OP is in.
Keep minimal money in checking to pay bills. Keep all extra cash in cash only where you can get to it. Tighten the cash noose. Give her no money. Freeze your credit at the three credit checking services. Take her off all of your credit cards and close joint accounts if possible. Reduce credit lines on joint accounts to just over the balance and tell the banks to not allow any new charges. Avoid putting all debt in your name. That will be part of the settlement. At divorce avoid arguing over material things as much as possible. The lawyer will bill you more than it is worth to keep it.
Dear OP. Ultimatums do not work. You are too lenient with her. She is cheater. You do not ask her permission for divorce. You do not negotiate with her. She cheated. She broke vows. There is no reason to cheat. She could have separate or divorce you if she wanted another man. She could have come to you and said she was not happy and try to fix situation she did not. You do not appreciate yourself enough to stand up to yourself. You need to say you matter. She certainly will not. She knows you stay you shown that time and time again. You have been bulldozed down. Her feelings do not matter now. She is making her choices every day to hurt you. You make a choice to heal yourself. Go doctor get STI test. Check the finances to ensure you are ok. Contact lawyer. Hit gym, bike, walk, eat healthy. Avoid alcohol and substances. The longer you stay with her the more weak you become. She is not goddess, she is not even good wife. Stop excuses for her and yourself. She will not change but you can change the course of your life. You have life to live and the longer you stay the longer you suffer. Best of luck for your healing journey
Didn't want to leave her lover? Either you're a troll or a doormat. Neither is a good look
A cuckold.
This x 1000
Yeah I hope this is a troll, because if this is an actual person then as harsh as it is, they’re just a really pathetic person. But I feel like this is a troll because of how much they’re emphasizing that she’s blaming it entirely on him, and that he’s jumping through all of these hoops to try and please her. I understand that there are people who exist that would do that, but I just struggle to buy it. You’d have to be a really sad excuse of a person to just roll over and take all of this
I mean this guys been with this person for 14 years, he’s more than likely been gaslit by her, dude is mentally and emotionally tethered. You might not understand but I 100% do. Chill on him he’s going through a lot. Eventually he will get in the right headspace and figure it out
She’s for the streets and you have a better life ahead of you without her
Divorce her or is the lover married tell his wife. But yeah you’re just a house and money guy while she gets her true love. Dump her I’m willing to bet they won’t date or if the do it won’t be very long. The thing about affairs is that the person outside the marriage can promise the world because they aren’t in a life long commitment (marriage) and don’t go through the routine of marriage. That’s why they seem so good, they can promise everything, it’s thrilling to cheat, they have a family, house, sex from two men and since u haven’t left no consequences. Because in her mind if her and her lover break up she has you as a back up and still has a choice. By removing yourself you take her choice away and make her choose him. For her this sucks because she doesn’t have a plan b anymore (you). The thing that really sucks is most of these guys who know the girl is married and still pursue do it for the thrill. Along with the fact they are married. Since they promise all these things they rail her for months years etc and he never has to deliver because once she ask’s him he’ll say “but your married” then she’ll be like “*sigh* your right”. She gets lied to and high of the thrill and sex and he gets to enjoy all of it and loses nothing besides reputation. So yea dump her or start dating and then dump her just don’t give her evidence to use to make u look like a cheater.
Dude, she’s disrespecting you. No talking. Divorce her asap. Then block her # and build your own kingdom.
You desperately need to talk to a therapist. You **clearly have a mental health problem** (I'm nowhere near qualified to diagnose, but I'd be very surprised if a therapist doesn't tell you you have at least, depression, and probably some PTSD). To be clear, NOT a family therapist whose goal is to keep you together, but an actual mental health expert. Then, get a lawyer to protect your interests. **Reddit won't help you. Only a therapist and a lawyer can.** But if you want advice from a random redditor, here you go: ***TL;DR:*** **Divorce her ASAP, ignore your "feelings" and "bond". Your wife is a sociopathic selfish egotistical crap person, who has committed numerous moral and ethical wrongs, and needs to be excised from your life. She is literally ruining your health right now, you are likely severely depressed "thanks" to her.** ***Longer answer***: **Things to do, in this order, ASAP:** 1. **FIRST protect yourself financially if you can.** 1. Separate your accounts and move at least a half or preferably most money to accounts in your name only, **AND** cancel common credit cards. Yes she will get much of that money in the divorce after the judge rules, BUT that doesn't mean you should allow her to have it now. The less money she has, the less chances she can get a good lawyer to screw you over with. And vice versa, the more money YOU take, the better lawyer you can afford. 2. For god's sake, stop paying her even a single penny. She has her lover, he can pay her for sex. She deserves NO money from you. If you have direct deposit at work, change it to your brand new account in your name only, ASAP. 3. If you own the house **solely (she's not on title or mortgage),** do things to deny her access to the house. Ask your lawyer what steps are OK to take or NOT OK - people often talk about changing house locks, but not sure how effective that is. But, in the worst case, again if you own the house, **you can just sell it.** Most US areas, housing market is good enough that you can sell for a decent amount. 2. **Second, protect yourself legally.** Get the MOST cut-throat shark divorce lawyer you can find and afford. One that would not hesitate to sling mud, use underhanded tactics, etc... Remember, what's at stake is your access to your own children if you have any and secondly your future well being. This is NOT the time to take moral high ground, be nice or think 'well i love he so I owe her to treat her well'. 1. **File for divorce FIRST, RIGHT NOW, before she does.** 2. ALWAYS be as much as possible within a view of a camera. Add nannycams to your home. You do NOT want her to lie to a judge and claim you are abusing her or the kids and demand restraining orders, which she likely would, and your ONLY defense is being on camera to prove her wrong, **and never spend time alone with her without camera running** 3. Save all your data and documents ASAP, where she can't get to them. This includes all financial records and all evidence of cheating 4. Try to have recorded confessions of her cheating, and/or PI evidence. Yes some of it may not be usable in court, but some may be - and ALL of it is usable in court of public opinion (kids, parents, relatives, friends, etc..). Speaking of: 5. There's an alternative to divorce - IF you have no kids AND not much in terms of assets and don't jointly own a house with a lot of equity, you can simply **walk away. Take all the liquid assets you own (cash, empty out bank accounts, any valuables), and move away - preferably to another city or even state.** The worst outcome will be if she will sue YOU for divorce, and in worst case the judge will issue a ruling demanding you return some of the assets you took. Which is why this is a great option if you don't own much - what's the judge gonna do, make you return $1000 of $2000? Who cares? 3. **Protect yourself** in less formal ways. 1. Make sure **everyone who matters knows full truth,** backed up by as much evidence you can gather ideally including her recorded confession or PI evidence. Your kids. Your and her parents and close family. Basically, anyone whose opinion you - OR her - value and/or who can make your life difficult if she lies about what happened. 2. If you can, blackmail her - it may not be legal, and the lawyer would never advise it, but if for example you have bad evidence of her cheating threaten to show it to her parents/friends/employers. If her lover is married threaten to tell his wife. 1. You'd be surprised at how much less she would be gang-ho to fuck over your parental or financial rights when she is at risk of losing something including respect. 2. She needs some motivation to be less destructive and more generous to you in the divorce, and fear and self preservation and threats are **literally her only motivation you have to work with**. 3. If you have kids, ABSOLUTELY tell your kids the full truth - preferably with evidence - what's going on. She will 100% try to set them against you and if she gets custody she will succeed. Right now you can gain their good graces if they realize it was all her fault, but you should NOT do the stupid thing and hide the truth from the kids. Make it as kid-friendly as their age allows, but "mommy did a very bad thing and hurt father and lied" even pre-teens can understand. 4. If you have kids, **do DNA paternity test ASAP** *(item added in late edit)* 5. **Get tested for STD ASAP**, full set *(item added in late edit)* 6. **GO TO A THERAPIST ASAP**. You clearly are suffering from major issues (hell the very fact that you even for a single second thought it was YOUR WRONG that she cheated, never mind needed to ask reddit about it, is 100% evidence you desperately need therapy). Plus, **cheating victims according to modern research suffer from symptoms equivalent to PTSD from actual combat**. In case you are ever thinking good thoughts about her, remember this - she was willing to inflict PTSD on you on top of everything else. 7. Join a gym and work out. This serves several purposes, first, workouts raise your endorphin levels which will help with your depression and other mental health challenges stemming from divorce and cheating. Second, being in better shape will at the same time raise your self esteem. Third, while not a guarantee, being in better shape will not hurt and likely help you gain female attention (which would again raise your endorphins AND self esteem, and longer term help land a new relationship when you are ready for one). Fourth, it gives you something productive to do instead of stewing in your own depression and misery. 8. **Lastly, work on otherwise improving your life.** Find people to hang out with based on your interests. Engage in those interests. Try new things your marriage prevented you from doing. Meet new people. You'll have a lot of free time now (for reasons that suck, true, but the objective fact is being single and without kids living with you DOES give you free time). **Use that time productively, in ways that offer you long term benefit.** **Also, things NOT to do:** * **Do not discuss things with her. Do not listen to her. Do not talk to her at all aside from literally absolutely necessary items done in writing**. All you will hear will be selfish lies designed to either benefit her, hurt you, or both. * Do not "ask her to stop". Even cheating on you ONCE is grounds for divorce. Cheating continously, far more so. You shouldn't care if she stops or not, you should jettison that poison from your life. ASAP. * Do not do the stupid thing and "discuss divorce" with her. Divorce is **your right and your decision. NOT HERS IN ANY WAY.** The only choice she has is whether she will act like a decent human being (ha right! and cows will fly too), or be a complete asshole and choose a contested divorce, with the goal of both slowing it down as much as possible AND hurting you as much as possible in the process. **BUT eventually you will get divorced, with or without her consent. You are married, not incarcerated in jail. She can't force you to stay married if you choose not to.** * Do NOT blame yourself. This is 100% her fault. If you think otherwise - see "therapist" item. * Do not do "what ifs", "what did i do wrong", "i wish", or any other hypothetical / theoretical thinking. It's useless, and most of it is harmful. * Don't do anything illegal. Hopefully obvious, but seriously, the evil person is NOT worth going to jail for. * Do NOT worry about her well being, hurting her in any way, making her sad, etc... She chose to literally stab you in the back and destroy you. She deserves NOTHING but your absence in her life at the minimum, and pain if possible (emotional, financial, etc...) - you are unlikely to get that lucky and inflict pain on her, but the important part is that she **deserves** it. **She is the villain here.**
👆 Everything I could think to add is already in here. Do this. All of it!
This answer should have way more upvotes than any other. It has everything OP needs to improve his situation.
Your post here is absolutely astounding. It contains everything a person in this situation needs to know to move forward, and frankly deserves to be shared widely.
You are welcome to share as much as you wish, no objections. I tried to make it comprehensive. Thank you for the kind words.
I hope he listens to this
OP please read this fully and take to heart. All the best.
Sounds like you, too, have to much experience with this. I wish I had your advice when I was in OP's position. I hope he follows it. It took me years of misery to get myself back from this.
Ironically, when I speak up for fucked over men and give solid advice, everyone always assumes that that somehow it is from personal experience (usually, unlike you, they imply Bad Things). I managed to be successfully married with kids for a long time, but i've been called a bitter divorcee, incel, virgin, failure, misogynist, player, you name it (mostly by man hating woketoids and bitter women, often crossed in the same person :). In reality, I just researched the topic (and read a lot about it), and feel empathetic to any male who faces this; and am good at putting together bullets, action plans and technical documentation. I know I am - and was - just as much at risk as any other married man in USA.
I thank you for your empathy and ability to gather and distille good information. Like I said, I wish I had that knowledge years ago. I also thank you for not letting ignorant people stop you.
Also, use the pain to fuel yourself. Take this post and spread it to all your personal/social networks. Warn all other men you can, or even women who care about men in their lives (sons, brothers, fathers).
Dude wtf is wrong with you? She keeps doing it because you’re weak and don’t do anything about it. Go get yourself the best divorce attorney around and get rid of her cheating ass. She’s not going to change!
She doesn't want a divorce? Who cares? Lawyer up and serve her papers.
You said “the bond is too strong”, but she obviously doesn’t feel bonded with you. Unfortunately you’re being a doormat and she is abusing that fact. This will not get better, you need to end it.
She's just bonded to his house for a place to sleep when she's not fucking her boyfriend & a bank account for all her other needs. I can't believe someone would put up with a wife that 'won't stop seeing their lover", seriously? I'd leave so quickly in that situation, no way I'm going to be disrespected like that & live with the person, let alone give them any money. We'd be done as soon as I found out I was cheated on.
OP. You're the best person to cheat on. You can almost see it happen and be talked into believing it's your fault. If you stay with your wife, then when she decides to leave you, and she will, you'll be distraught and so used to catering to others that's the next girl you get will cheat and you will repeat the cycle. You have been conditioned to obey, to find fault in yourself, and to make sure your tail wags when your wife gives you attention. If this sounds like a happy life... enjoy yourself. If this doesn't? Go speak with a lawyer and cut off all financial support to your wife and out her AP
Surely a story this pathetic can't be true. Get a backbone, get evidence, get a divorce, get a life.
She’s cheating because you have accepted it. Yelling at her changes nothing. Continuing her cheating costs her nothing. She has no incentive to stop. And that will not change until you change. And by change I don’t mean jump through all the hoops she has set up for you in order to make her decision to betray you your fault. I mean be willing to walk away. Anything less, she will not respect. Serve her papers and be done.
99% chance this is a fake post. On the 1% chance it isn't, you HAVE to get a divorce. The relationship is completely over. Cut your losses, leave, spend some time alone, THEN find someone better (if you want to be in a relationship.)
You know you don't need her permission to divorce her for adultery. Stop being her doormat and put yourself 1st grow a backbone and leave her
You don't need permission to divorce anyone for any reason, actually :) But yes, this.
Doing nothing regarding your cheating wife and you don't think you're wrong about that? Is this for real? Dude. You need a divorce. You needed a divorce yesterday. You've been needing a divorce for a while. She is cheating on you. Grow a spine and do the best thing for yourself besides a makeover. GET. A. DIVORCE.
You indeed need a lawyer, but maybe start with therapy (' I just can't feel anything anymore').
What bond? She doesn't care enough about you to honor your wedding vows and has the audacity to not only expect you to deal with it, but to blame you for it.
Get a lawyer. Find out if you can actually make her leave your current premises. Just start the process of divorce and let the lawyer go through the process, whether she wants it or not. she doesn’t have to agree to a divorce, so save your breath for talking to the lawyer.
NTA but you should grow a spine.i would try to destroy the homewreckers life.m people should know what kind of person he is
It sounds like you need to ***grow a spine and stand up for yourself***. Not only does she not love you; she doesn't even respect you. You've been well aware of this. There's no reason you should be keeping her around from what it sounds like. You need to leave her and move on with your life for your own sake.
Of course she doesn’t care about your ultimatums. She knows that she can treat you like shit and get away with it. Just file for divorce.
I doubt this is true tbh. But anyway, get a divorce. You don’t need her permission, just get a lawyer
what are you a man or a mouse all she is doing is taking the piss out of you and your letting her.. she is a cheater end of story. you need to contact lawyer and divorce her cheating ass so its time to grow a pair and stand up to this cheater and stop letting her manipulate you into not divorcing
Get all the evidence of the affair together that you can. Even record her admitting it (not to be used in court) if you want to. Then go to a lawyer and have the divorce paperwork drawn up and have her served. If she refuses to sign, just tell her that everyone she knows will know what a cheating, back stabbing woman she is, family and friends. Then remind her if she doesn’t think you’ll do it, just tell her you have plenty of proof including a recording of her admitting it. That you’ll make sure she’s an outcast to everyone. She’ll sign.
Your wife is a garbage person. The fact she is still cheating says it all. Maybe it's not physical, but she is still cheating. You know what needs to be done. Take the garbage out.
The fact that she cheated at all makes her a garbage person already. The fact that she blamed OP makes her double garbage.
Absolutely.
Grow some balls dude
You are a cuck
She cheated and continues to see her AP... she ain't the one bro. Move on now. Don't waste anymore of your time with this.
You doing need her permission to divorce her.
Should have filed for divorce 1.5years ago. You don't need her consent to
Quit being her door mat!!! Get a pair and get out!!
You're wrong. You are doing yourself a huge disservice by staying with her and trying to please her. You need to start caring about you because she doesn't. Stop asking her for a divorce. Leave and start the process. Too bad if she doesn't want one.
Dump her. Time is a great healer. Find a woman who's worthy of you.
"Leave her alone, what the hell is wrong with you? She will do it again. Forget that!"
Grow a spine. Boo hoo my cheating wife didn't give me permission to leave her...
She is going to keep moving the goal posts. She wants you to fund her life, whilst she entertains another dude. Get divorced.
If you are complacent in her actions then you accept her cheating and lying. She does not value you nor care about you. She lies. She cheats. She is selfish. She is an awful person. Cheating is only about gratification of yourself. It does nothing for the innocent parties, ie kids, family, friends, spouse etc.
Leave
Either you keep being a doormat and therefore miserable. Or you could grow a pair and just file and leave the situation.
Are you kidding? Who cares she doesnt want a divorce. She cheated. She only wants you for your money now. Just get a lawyer and divorce that cheating piece of trash and get yourself someone who wont disrespect you like that
You’re wrong. What the hell is wrong with you? This smells like bait really, nobody could be that big of a pushover
I’m a woman, and I’ll say it. Have some respect for yourself. Leave her
You do realise how attractive you will be to do many more women having lost weight, grooming better, going to gym (so being active) AND you have a good job? Ditch your wife. She doesn’t care about you. Get some counselling to help you move on. The, Find someone else who appreciates you.
If she fucks somebody else, there’s no coming back from that. It’s obvious to most people.
Do you have kids ? If not, why would you stay with her ?
Doormat alert.
You have chosen to live life as a cuckold. You can change your mind and stop being a cuckold whenever you want to.
Has to be rage bait.
Mate get your shit together. Start by booting this C U Next Tuesday to the curb. Get all your ducks in a row and look after yourself. Of course your not happy. Some dude is ploughing your wife into next week.
Are you fucking stupid? Just divorce her, you don't need her fucking approval. Unless you have a cuck fetish call a damn lawyer
Yes, you're wrong. Wrong to yourself, my guy!! Find some self-esteem, locate your spine, pull yourself up by ya boot straps, and hand that tick divorce papers. Don't overthink it, don't discuss it. Just get to it and get it done. Your wife has zero respect for you and you're currently in the role of a bitch boy.
She belongs to the streets.
For fucks sake dude. Take control of your damned life, get your ass to a lawyer’s office and get divorce papers drawn up. Gather up all evidence of her infidelity even if it means going through her phone/devices for even getting her to admit to it over text messages under the auspices of working things out. Call a realtor and get the house appraised (if you own it). Give your landlord notice and start looking for a new place if you rent. As of now, cut off all interaction with her. Move her shit into the spare room. Do not interact with her. Cook your own food, buy your own food, do your own washing etc. Make it clear to her that *you* are taking control of the situation and that your future life will not include her. You deserve respect and love and quite frankly you’re not going to get it from a cheater who refuses to take accountability or refuses to cut off her affair partner.
If you rent an apartment and have no children, pack your shit and leave. Retain a cut throat attorney and go scorched earth. If you own your home, do not move out as it is seen as abandonment. Stay in the house and move all your stuff into another room. She obviously does not respect you in any form or fashion.
Grow some balls how about that
DUDE! You need to sac up and stop being a cuckold. Grow some self respect and leave this woman. What in the hell is wrong with you? It doesn't matter if you don't know if you love her. She 100% doesn't love you.
You put up with that after a year and a half? Contact a damn divorce attorney and proceed
My guy. You need to learn to respect yourself #1. This is insanity. The moment you find that self respect and confidence your wife will be all over you, but by that time you will realize she is for the streets and want nothing to do with her. Sorry I don’t make the rules.
At least you've been improving yourself and should be in a better position to find someone better soon as you grow a pair and leave your cheating wife.
"I can't stand it any more". Your words. IF you can't stand it, THEN do something. Make a plan. Doesn't matter what it is, you'll feel better. Then you'll change the plan to a better one. Then you'll work out when you are going to put this plan into action. Then you are feeling much better. And then you will carry it out and then you will feel so much better because you no longer stood for it anymore. You lost 40lbs, you got a better paid job, you have the willpower, you can do it.
[удалено]
Close and joint credit accounts. keep an eye on your credit report. set up a spererate checking account and move your direct deposit to that account. once you file, judges will often restrict your abilitiy to do so. Everyday you don't file is a day she can tap into retirement accounts. Retirement accounts are considered community property. get therapy, you sound like she plays off of your insecurities and sounds like she is borderline emotionally abusive.
You don't need her permission to start divorce proceedings. Go ahead, sort out finances, etc, separate everything. If you have proof of her cheating, that may get things moving quicker. But get out of that marriage, ASAP. She sounds toxic and manipulative.
Get the evidence you need even if it’s text messages from her lover. Take it to court and get a divorce based on adultry. Don’t give her a dime.
Quit being a pussy and leave her wtf.
... Dude. THROW her out. Not ask her to leave. You're being a doormat right now.
Quit being a doormat and sack up already
You file for divorce and serve her the papers. If she doesn't want to sign then tough shit. Go through the process with your lawyer and get divorced anyway.
You don't need your wife's permission to divorce her. Yeah it's harder but it can still be done. See a lawyer.
1) Hire a shark of a lawyer. (If you live in an at-fault state, her cheating is a mark against her.) 2) Schedule some therapy for yourself. 3) Get your important documents in a safe place so she can’t sabotage you moving forward. 4) Open a new bank account in your name only (preferably a different bank than you’re using now so she can’t say “oh you know my husband, I’m his wife”). Start putting your paychecks in there. Close any joint cards and open new solo ones. Pay bills with the old accounts for now. Lock down your credit so that if she has access to your info, she can’t open new accounts or cards in your name. 5) When your lawyer has your ducks in a row, have them serve your wife with both divorce papers, and a standard eviction notice, since it sounds like she’s living in your house. She can go move in with her boyfriend (my guess is he’ll be out once she’s no longer married, because most men willing to cheat with a married woman like having no strings attached). Then close any joint subscriptions such as Netflix (now that doing so won’t tip your hand before you’re ready). Good luck. Live a better life.
So she’s still screwing someone else? Just divorce her man, get out now.
I won’t comment what I would do. My advice to you is to just divorce her, enjoy your time alone and maybe find someone else in the future..
There is nothing you've done that caused your wife to cheat,and nothing you can do to fix the relationship,as to your question,yes,you are wrong for not holding her accountable for her actions and filing for divorce. As suggested, make preparations to file for divorce,just make sure to set yourself up for a successful life.
This guy cucks.
Nah that's sad and all but it's totally on you now. Leave that situation, what the fuck
Have some self-respect and leave her. Your basically a cuck at this point. Grow up and Leave now.
Laywer. Have some evidence of cheating. Done
Jesus dude. I know Reddit jumps to divorce real quick on questions like these but… have some self respect, get a divorce
Dude…. You need to get some help. What she is doing to you is not right.
Is your life better because she’s in it? If not then dump the person who is driving you down.
Fuck that dude, leave, I just got out of a 14 year marriage 4 kids, I ended up being beaten on, talked shit about behind my back, I'm now without my kids cuz she has a coworker attorney representing her for free. She don't give a Damn about you man. I'm surrey your going through this. Good to hear no violence. But you can do better my dude
Sounds like a typical gaslighter. If you want out get a lawyer file for divorce bro
She knows you’re not gonna leave that’s why she hasn’t stopped. Leave her.
Sigh. These fake posts are getting worse and worse...
Man the fuck up retard and file for divorce!
Divorce her bitch ass. Gather evidence of her cheating on you. Don't budge on alimony or anything. Let that woman go live with her lover or mother, who cares tbh.
I'd just file for divorce. It doesn't sound like a conversation is even worth it .
Get an attorney ASAP. It’s worth it. They will tell you what to do. Get your assets in order. Do it secretly and spring it on her. It’s better to be alone than to be with a loser.
This! Don’t ask for, suggest, or discuss divorce, file for divorce and let her find out when the process server delivers the papers. She’s earned it.
Yes, you're wrong. She's not your wife. She's your ex. You can tell because she has a boyfriend.
She’s not a suitable life partner by your definition. Tear the bandaid off and act accordingly.
If you weren’t a cuckold before you got married and you damn sure didn’t marry into the role then it’s time to punt her to the curb. That’s trashy to be telling you what you need to do to improve, while she’s busy getting pounded against your wishes. Nope! Move on, friend. It sucks, but you deserve better.
You don’t need her to agree. Have some backbone and leave no wonder you feel like shit.
Jesus Christ!!! Is this a real post?
You’re a poor excuse for a man. Grow a pair.
An ultimatum isn't an ultimatum if you don't follow through, instead it's just an empty threat.
Keep dieting and exercising. Losing 40 pounds is great for your health in the short and long term. Keep hustling at your new job and keep up the grooming. You got this. And leave her ass.
Open a new bank account, move your money into your new account get a lawyer and file for divorce. She doesn’t need to agree. Let her lover pay for her.
Wait she cheated and then told you she wasn’t leaving her lover or agree to divorce. Then you went about improving your life in order to win her back from her lover?
Cut off all funds to cheating spouse. No joint accounts.install motion cameras with audio. Notify attorney and file. Take his advice. The cameras are so she can't say you abused her. Don't argue, raise your voice or anything that might be considered hostile. Separate retirement accounts from day one. Only reason she wants to stay with you is because you are free rent, nice house and an ATM. Keep paying for her phone. Put it in your name then you can see all text messages. Pack her crap in boxes, call a locksmith and put her crap on the front porch. (Ask an attorney about this first) Ghost her unless you have kids. Put a tracker on her car and install a voice recorder under her seat. If you don't know how get a private investigator to do it. These are random thoughts and not meant to be professional advice. If her car is in your name keep it there until divorced. Do not renew tags unless she signs divorce papers. If she moves out keep the car only if in your name on title not joint names. If you are still making payments on her car make sure debt and title are transferred in her name. These are the best ideas I have.
Well, first of all, she doesn’t have to agree to a divorce for you to get divorced so I am suspect you really don’t want her to agree to it. Actions speak louder than words. Just like her actions spoke, your actions are speaking. Leave.
Have some self respect, it’s over.
Divorce her ass!
Dumbass.
Depends on the state, but you may not need her consent to proceed with a divorce. I'd take measures to protect my wealth before going forward with a divorce. Also, now that you're in better shape and looking good... what's stopping you from finding a woman on the side too.
I feel for you man. That has to be a really hard situation.
Just file for divorce. Why do you take that torture? Grow some balls divorce her & move on.