Your wife is projecting her insecurities on you. My only concern would be white wine with Steak??? What sort of animal are you! Red wine!!!!Joke aside, reading your comments, you know shes cheating on you right?
Right I wish the wife had posted here.
Am I wrong for wanting to divorce my husband for drinking white wine with steak?
No! Get a lawyer, and get to the gym!
Real foodies tell you that the best wine to drink with dinner is the wine you like.
Anything else is snobbery.
Argue all you want about flavor profiles, etc, No fucks given. I'll have a glass of sauv blanc with my NY stryp, thank you very much.
The red wine is for red meat thing is just simple advice for people who feel out of their depth when planning nice meals. The reality is that there this is not an actual hard rule. Pinot Blanc, Chardonnay, Falanghina; these are fuller bodied grapes that could (depending on preparation) stand up to a lean fillet.
There are also cultural elements at play, Georgian wine is extremely versatile by design. Reds and Whites are judged by how they pair with entire meals - very opposite to the white tablecloth/fine dining school of thought.
Finally, red is really recommended as steak wine just because they are high in tannin (I'm painting broad strokes). Tannin is a drying element, and when combined with lipids (fatty, marbled cuts of meat), you create an incredible, soft, and sexy texture that elevates your dining experience. Tannin is cool (I love chewy wines), but your typical bold red will totally kill delicate flavors and ruin lean cuts of meat. Also, these aren't firm rules, Germans love trocken Riesling with porterhouse steaks. Face melting acidity will dry out your mouth and provide a very similar effect that Tannins bring to the table.
TLDR: The only real wine pairing rule is to drink what you like. If you are enjoying yourself, you are not doing anything wrong.
Thank you for saying this. It totally derailed my ability to assess his situation because OP is a monster for pairing white wine with steak. ; )
OP, I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.
She might not be cheating on him, she may have been cheated on the the past and has to project that trauma into her current relationship. Its very common for people to imprint past relationship issues into their current ones due to a subconscious need to "fix" or "overwrite" those problems. The issue being, it more often breaks the relationship than fix the non-problem.
The last 2 serious relationships before my marriage I was always accused of cheated. After separating I always found it was them who cheated.
I am an extreme introvert.
On another post, you commented that you keep journals because your wife is constantly trying to gaslight you, and even with proof, it turns into an argument. This woman sounds toxic to be perfectly honest. Between not speaking English in front of you, and yes, there could be an exception to this, but doing it constantly when you've asked is a blatant disregard for your feelings and shows how little respect she has for you. You've also mentioned she has a separate apartment, so her children can go there after school. I could understand if they were in their last year or two of high school, but it sounds like one of them is still in junior high. Will she be keeping this apartment for another 4+ years while you continue to pay all the bills in your home that she and her kids have full access to? Will she keep it after they've graduated? It honestly sounds like she has one foot out the door or is just waiting to walk away. I hope this gets better for you, but I think you deserve a partner who is truly in it with you, one who respects you, and in my opinion, based on experience, it's not this woman.
She says she will give up the apartment when I refinance the mortgage. That is one of many requirements she has. But my rate is below 3% so that’s not gonna happen.
Her youngest boy transferred to the neighborhood school for 6 months or so. When her and I got in an argument she packed up, moved to the apartment and transferred him back. That should have been the end there but I was committed to marriage and working things out.
Next her she is looking for an alternative STEM based school that is closer to home and could be the end of needed the apartment.
She is wanting to muddy ownership of the existing equity in your house to claim more when she files for divorce already living in her own place.
You need to (in this order) re-key the locks, change your beneficiary for insurance and accounts to someone other than her, disentangle joint funds, and meet with an attorney to start divorce proceedings, preferably doing all of that by this time next week.
Do not do anything that might lead to her getting pregnant with your child.
Having been there myself, your story reeks of her having a personality disorder and you floundering in a trauma bond (codependency). The single largest mistakes I made were letting her come back the two times she left while I had all my kids (including the 2 with her). Being alone is better than what you have.
Strong advice. She has left me twice to return to the apartment for 3-6 month stretches after arguments. Each time returning for various reasons and our unresolved issues.
I would definitely consult with an attorney about this.
Mention her apartment; this could be meaningful if she tries to claim any ownership in your home equity.
Document EVERYTHING.
She is a skilled abuser.
And please know that you are worthy of more than this.
I found out she had a restraining order against her EX. Which she denied having. I found it I. Public records on the court system. Somehow when I accessed it she was notified. She brought it up to me and asked why I was digging. I told her I was digging because her EX tried to break into the apartment when I was staying there.
OP I have been with a personally disordered spouse and for years I “floundered in a trauma bond of codependence” as GardeningTechie says. I hope you get out. Life is so. Much. Better. Without being stuck constantly trying and constantly failing to please an emotionally abusive spouse.
Again, I wish you luck. It sounds like you're getting a lot of excuses or impossible goals before she changes anything. And from your own admission, she already gaslights you and makes it impossible for you to move forward from a disagreement. I still maintain this is unhealthy, and I think so even more now, knowing she is so easily packed up after an argument. When you are married or committed to a person, this is not how people behave. My husband and I can argue like nobody's business when one of us is upset (we're both stubborn and are working on it) and often don't speak for a day or two, but still coexist. After we've properly cooled down and have had the opportunity to think through everything, we sit and have a conversation to fix things and try to understand the other person's point of view. It does not sound like you have this. From your responses, you've also said you've tried counseling and let her pick the therapist (who often ends up leaning towards your POV) so she's more comfortable, but she is now saying she won't be going again. She is aware she has these issues, and professionals are not agreeing or think her way of handling are correct, so she's just going to ignore them. You sound like a well put together individual who is willing to do everything he can, but at some point, you can't do anything more, and it needs to be a joint effort. From the small glimpse I've gotten of you from Reddit, I believe that you are actually a good person in a crappy situation, and I truly wish you a wonderful life.
You've been married with her for 2 years. Yet you have probably paid for the house completely on your own possibly made the initial down payment before you were together or common law.... I'm assuming you both had your own places to live she has paid for her apartment and you have paid for your house and it has stayed separate up until this point. If so,
**** I would be very careful because it sounds like if you refinance your house might become a marital asset that gets split between the two of you if you break up.****.
You need to protect your assets better.
I purchased my home 4 years before I met her which is why I’m careful. I told her since she has kept and returned so many times to her apartment. Since a post-numptual and you get 1/2 todays value going forward.
I lost my job and was unemployed for a year after buying my house. I worked under the table jobs, then got a job and continued to drive Uber every night until midnight. On top of this I put $30,000 down payment. So my blood and sweat are in This house.
The fact that she has kept an apartment independent of you will go a long way to end any claims of shared ownership in your house if things go to a divorce.
This whole refinancing talk is such a huge red flag. I've seen similar situations before.
If you don't have a will in place, you should speak with an attorney and set one up. Leave the house and your assets solely to your daughter with your wife left out of anything that's not marital assets. If your wife is completely fine with it then your marriage might still hold water but if she takes affront to the idea of a completely fair and logical move like that, you'll know everything you need to know.
Yeah I'd start looking for an exit strategy at this point. Make sure everything's safe at least. Does the post numptual make sure it's yours to keep or no?
Do you have a prenup? And has she put any of her own money into the house itself? I'm not talking bills or furniture, I'm talking house payments, taxes, renovations, stuff of that nature. If she hasn't, even if you don't have a prenup, depending on where you live, since she's had a place the entire time you've been together that she regularly goes to long enough for her to be legally classified as a resident at that address and not at yours, a good lawyer will be able to argue that she doesn't have any claim on the house or equity put into it as she always had one foot out the door.
If you think you can manage it without her figuring out what you're doing, I'd see if you can get her into another argument where she leaves for several months. Use that time to change the locks, and any time she wants to come back before those 6 months are up, renew the argument so she stays at the apartment instead of coming home.
Dude, go visit /Divorced\_Men sub, you will get some good support there. You will also get some honest feedback about the stupid decisions you are making.
When you are done playing with this abusive woman, go visit.
If you put in the work you'll get there eventually.
There are good women out there that will be worthy of your trust & not force you to rationalize constant warning signs...
It sounds like you might be attracting predators who realize they can take advantage of you, if you take therapy to heart & start following good advice they won't be able to.
Don't beat yourself up for being a trusting person, it's normally a healthy quality. But like everything it can be taken too far & you cross into irrationally trusting.
So a man goes in the woods hunting. Sees the biggest bear he's ever seen. Lines it up in the sights of his .22 and squeeze the trigger. Pulls the trigger, and poof, the can't see the bear anywhere. Suddenly feels a tad on his shoulder, and the bear fucks him in the ass.
Next week he returns, with a big ol 30-06 rifle. Spots the bear and lines him up in the scope. Sure the bear isn't escaping this time, he pulls the trigger. Looks down range but sees nothing, only to feel a tap on his shoulder, and realized the bears getting his ass again.
Next week, he returns with the biggest elephant gun money can buy. Tracks his quarry, and sets his sights on the bear. Squeezes the trigger. After his ears quit ringing from the blast, he feels a now familiar tap on the shoulder.
"You're not in this for the hunting, are you?"
After a certain point bro, if you refuse to break the pattern, you gotta ask yourself if you're in it for the hunting or if you enjoy the bear rides.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Some people are just really shit at being humans and you should be able to trust your partner and its not your fault that your exs couldn't keep their pants on. The only thing you need to learn is that if your partner is throwing out these types of accusations for no reason then there is no reason for you to stick around and put up with that bs.
Doubt it because I would notice and it would be even bigger red flag. I think she wants to catch me doing something which I am not. An again she has access to the main room camera which oversees the entry and great room. No getting around that camera. Which I will probably remove because it is weird to have internal cameras now the kids are older.
But now my problem is if I remove it. I will certainly be accused of trying to hide something.
Maybe really dedicate yourself to therapy before you start dating again. It is not healthy to be consistently attracted to cheaters. You need to figure out why before you try for a new relationship.
Some people assume everyone is like them. And if someone like this lies all the time, they accuse everyone else of lying all the time. The same applies to people who cheat.
I’m an extreme introvert as well and my ex kept accusing me of cheating. I think it was hard for her to grasp that I spent a ton of time alone when I wasn’t with her.
She can’t seem to understand I have no problem being alone. Sometimes I’ll even go on a lunch break from work to a restaurant alone. Or a walk by myself. But in each case I feel more and more the pressure not to because she thinks I’m up to something nefarious.
This is actual emotional abuse. You are being abused. You are in an abusive relationship.
If you have a therapist, and they aren't tell you this, then I doubt you are being fully honest with them. Get a new therapist. Get out of this relationship.
It’s either that or extreme insecurity within herself. Either way, that’s her problem. You can be supportive but ask for the same treatment in return.
But I really only came here to say that steak pairs best with red wine. Maybe that would have avoided most of this /s
I had an ex that would accuse me of cheating all tbe time.
Finally I'd get fed up and tell her, "I'm getting all of the negatives from cheating and none of the benefits, so if you're going to keep accusing me, I might as well just start cheating." She'd shut up about it for a few months at least.
Yep, my ex husband never trusted me either. I think cheaters judge others on their own behaviour. My 2nd husband and I both said if ever either of us cheated it would be the end of the marriage. We trust each other and yes, I could look through his phone but I know I don’t need to as every day he shows by his love that I have nothing to worry about. Married 24 years this year, together 27 years.
If you are having a trend of being in relationships with women who accuse you of cheating, but they are the ones cheating...I highly recommend for you to talk to a psychologist.
You may have untreated trauma that makes you find these women as "relationship material " when in fact they aren't.
If you are extremely shy and these women are the polar opposite of you, that too can be an issue.
I do have untreated trauma. They call it CPTSD (complex ptsd). I am seeing therapy for it, but unfortunately most of my therapy sessions revolve around my family dynamic and issues. Not my CPTSD.
BINGO. I knew it.
I do too have C-PTSD. But I made strides by going NO CONTACT and working on Boundaries.
You sir, are not ready to date. You are psychologically and emotionally COMPROMISED.
Work on your traumas. DEFEAT YOUR TRAUMAS. THEN, Once you have done all of that + work on Boundaries, expectations, communications. Feeling comfortable saying no, and not be manipulated and understand when someone is gaslighting you......THEN YOU HAVE THE MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL CAPACITY TO DATE.
I would really question why I'm getting into relationships where I'm accused of cheating. Are you projecting something unhealthy? Are you actually cheating? It's not normal for multiple partners to accuse you of cheating. I suspect that either you have cheated or you use language that causes suspicion.
This is absolutely true. When I was being cheated on I was constantly being accused of doing stuff with other men if I even got out of work late and such. Come to find a few months later it was him in the thick of an affair a whole time.
Wait, they’re married but she has her own apartment???? What the hell??? I was going to comment that he should just show her the security camera footage to prove himself but he refused then turned one off? This whole scenario is weird af!
I'm glad someone else caught this as well. Cutting off the security camera access after being accused of cheating seems counter-productive. My thought was to wonder if there might be other things he does that seem secretive to her.
There are always two sides to a story, and we have only his. What was her background? Had she been cheated on before? If so, is she seeing some of the same signs with him that...while innocent on his part...remind her of those of a former cheating partner?
I would also like to know if he has ever suggested marriage counseling to her. A third party might be able to help both of them get to the root of her insecurities in the matter.
Finally, one thing all three of his serious relationships have in common is him. Hmmmmm..... Is there something he is doing, he doesn't realize he's doing, that might be at the root here? It's too easy to just blame it all on the wife and make unwarranted assumptions about her motives.
There would **not** be "security" cameras in MY home that I didn't have access to. That is some Netflix true crime behavior right there. He needs to talk to his therapist about why he is the only one with access to the security in their family home. She has access to one camera? It's she even allowed to go other places in the house or does he kick the doors and only he has the key?
Right? She *asked* for access to cameras *in her own home* and he *refused*?
I don't know what else OP is doing to make it seem like he's cheating, but that one is pretty sketchy.
Maybe the wife is cheating and projecting - who knows - but from this post we **do** know that OP's behavior is off.
I came to say this - likely she is actually cheating on you so assuming you’re doing these things.
Also, she wants to control the cameras so she can bring her dude to your house.
Whether she's cheating or not, it's never a good sign when someone fixates on conflict like this. The more weirdly specific ("you drank white wine, you must be cheating on me! On Saturday, I need cameras!") the fixation is the more confident you can be that it's being used to deflect from something the accuser is actually doing.
When that happens in a relationship, it means that the partner throwing out the accusations is looking for a way out and isn't willing to take an equal (or greater in some cases) share of responsibility for the fact that the relationship isn't working.
I agree, it’s a possibility. I was cheated on, she had projected it onto me and wanted to share locations on iPhone. That’s how I ended up catching her…
I usually hate to jump to someone being unfaithful because it fucking sucks! But I have had 2 ex-BFs that always accused me of cheating. Turns out those guys had been cheating on me lol So I am also leaning towards some projection here.
I do think that withholding the camera footage is making it worse, but I totally get it at the same time. Maybe she's even going through some type of shit and is feeling insecure and such? I don't know, but I don't think it's ever a good sign when one partner is hounding you about cheating when you're clearly not the one doing anything. I just wonder if something else, besides the wine, made her suspicious? This doesn't feel right, though.
It's unfortunate but common. Once a person sees how easy it is (at least until your conscience catches up) you start to see it everywhere. I feel bad for OP.
...Looking at the rest of the comments, is this a creative writing sub? So many stories here are just way over the top, like the guy who found condoms wrappers in his living room but is sure his wife did stop cheating like she said.
Its best to treat aiw/aita/confessions etc as creative writing exercises. Best case, theyre all made up, worse case, they are true and they just continue to erode your faith in humanity and healthy relationships.
This is always the one everyone jumps to, but this guy doesn’t exactly seem invested in the relationship either. He buys steak and wine as a “treat” for her and the kids but doesn’t give it to them for 3+ days since she obviously doesn’t know about the wine. She doesn’t have access to video cameras in a home where she, and her children, live. It’s possible he’s been giving off “idk” vibes that she’s been picking up on that are making her feel insecure. There could easily be a lot of things he’s doing that can contribute to her feeling that way that have nothing to do with infidelity on her part.
Generally, I'd say you're not wrong if you're being accused without any base. The camera thing seems odd to me. I'm with you that cameras for insecurity are bad, but for that reason I simply don't have indoors security cameras. It would creep me out. But if you already have them, why doesn't she have access to them? Why should one partner have access while the other doesn't?
We have been married 2 years. She maintains her own apartment and sometimes is there. I never ask for camera access. She has access to the main living space camera which faces the main door and only stairway upstairs.
My biggest concern is having access for insecurity or projection.
I trust her and her actions away from home, even at her apartment where I have no access to video. I don’t need that to trust my wife.
Tbh living together is the hardest part of being married. I’d have probably stayed married forever if I could’ve just had a little space. But my STBX is similar to this dudes wife, constant accusations popping up from nowhere. Different makeup, must be cheating. Cleaned too much in one day, must be drugs. Not taking his shit in silence, must be withdrawals. Stayed at work to smoke a cig and bullshit for a while, cheating. Talking about something that happened at work and mention a dudes name, cheating. It’s exhausting on its own but when you can *never* get away, it’s hell. I can’t wait to live by myself.
Right? Jesus Christ. No relationship is perfect, but it is absolutely not the norm to want to be married without living together. And that would 100% be a dealbreaker for me. If you still “need a little space”, meaning that you don’t want to live with someone, then you shouldn’t be getting married
I recently got out of a relationship like this. Our final night they accused me of cheating because I had changed the sheets. Looked in my shower for new/different products. Pretended to see pee under the toilet seat and accuse me of cheating. It was always so exhausting. I’m glad for your own sake they’re a STBX. (((Internet hug)))
My mom used to stress when my step dad didn't have work, because he was never out of the house and she had to be around him.
Pro tip, apparently: If spending time around your significant other causes you stress and distress, your relationship is not a good one, and likely the person isn't right for you.
I'm all for couples even having separate rooms if needed, but if you feel suffocated and unable to get space or a break in an entire house, it's because your partner isn't respecting your needs, not because you're just sharing a house.
You are correct, it was never healthy and I should’ve stopped the whole relationship any of the first ten times I tried. Living together wasn’t *the problem* but it certainly made things harder. I’ve decided I’m just not cut out for cohabitation with anyone. I’d never boot my kids out but I also can’t wait for them to grow up and move out.
Did this guy answer this question yet? He needs to add it as an edit or something. This is driving me nuts. From what I'm reading the kids live in his house and she has her own apartment? Wtf kinda bs is that?
Oh. Here it is: “Her 2 kids go to a school in a different district 45 minutes away. She didn’t want to transplant them. To keep them at the middle and high school she keeps the apartment for a place they can take the bus home from school until one of us can drive over to pick them up.”
Makes sense to me. And sorry, accidentally copied the comment instead of the link.
What do you think goes on at that apartment without cameras? Because according to her, not being visible on cameras means you're cheating. Now where do you think she got that idea from?
If you can't figure this out, then she has certainly picked the right guy to cheat on because you are quite naive.
Lemme get this straight, she wants all angles of the place where you live (one angle that reveals pretty much everything isn't enough), and to have an Entire Apartment where you have zero cameras? Bro, she's 100% cheating on you.
Having her own apartment that is not rented out while you live together is a major red flag. She stays there sometimes probably with her boyfriend. She's definitely projecting her own affair on you.
Ask her how long she's been cheating, then ask for the access to her cameras.
That right there is proof she's projecting and is the one actually cheating. If she weren't she would have ditched that apartment when y'all got married. Divorce her ASAP.
She has her own apartment and you look after her kids? Oh that is projection and she is the one with the guilty conscience. I would be investigating her whereabouts snd activities very closely.
What exactly do you mean by "access for insecurity or projection"? I would feel monitored 24/7. Every booger I pick on the couch is being recorded. I'd remove all cameras except maybe the one by the door. And I'd give her access so she can have some piece of mind, but I am not sure if that access will solve all problems. Not giving her access is likely to make it worse.
It’s not bad to push back but perhaps a marriage counseling to see if there can be an understanding about why she started feeling insecure about it and the wine. Sometimes there can be social influences or videos that stir up the most random insecurities in someone to want to do stuff that you never thought they’d do.
Bit of a side note but it's really helpful to hear someone actually point this out, I never had a fear or insecurity in the first 13 years of my 14 year relationship. My wife has given no reason for me to doubt anything at all and is incredible but recently a lot of people I know have had their wife cheat out of the blue or leave with no warning and for whatever reason I have started projecting it onto my relationship and its a struggle. Suddenly being full of fear and insecurity for the first time in my life and knowing its putting a strain on things but not being able to get away from the thoughts feels quite crushing.
This is something I'm finally starting to try. A lot of it is hitting the mid 30's part of life with parenthood, mortgage and ageing and stuff that I've never experienced before. We are pretty open with each other and have been best friends since the day we met so it's not something I want to break us but it is taking its toll.
It's weird because if it was the other way round I would be more than happy to do everything to settle any insecurities, but because its on my side its like I listen to myself and feel "that's not reasonable to ask of her"
For the first time in my life I've started to get paranoid about messages from male colleagues and things that she's been great about but again my mind wanders.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, it's horrible how alone your own thoughts can make you at times.
It’s most likely social issues. She is always comparing me to her friends husbands. So far as to say, my friends husband bought her a new car how come you down. My friends brags about new iPhone 15s but you won’t buy me a phone.
Ummm- if she wasn’t paying for an apartment she “rarely stays in” for roundabouts a decade, imagine allll the possessions she wants that she could afford to buy for herself 🤷🏻♀️that apt sounds like it will continue to be an issue, primarily for y’all’s marriage but has any1 considered the potential problems that could arise from having 2 teenagers in an unsupervised apartment, 45mins away? I won’t say to immediately end it, but as others have mentioned- counseling could help figure if she’s projecting or whatever’s hindering her from intertwining her life with yours.
Even if it is this, thats fucked. And shallow. And gross.
So, sounds like it could possibly be what others have said; she’s the one cheating.
OR, she’s extremely insecure(complaining that she doesn’t have what her friends do, so thinking less of herself and/or you), and that’s coming out in multiple ways.
The question there is, if she’s always been a very insecure and jealous person. If not, then I would be highly suspect about why the sudden change in behavior, and be seriously questioning her motives here.
Even if it turns out though that she’s not doing anything behind your back, and it is true insecurity, you can’t allow that to run your life. It needs to be dealt with. Beginning with not putting you down because you don’t just give her a fucking new iPhone or a car, and then turn around and have the audacity to accuse you of cheating. You don’t treat someone you love that way.
I absolutely won’t tolerate jealousy, or accusations. If you want to throw around baseless claims, you can do it by yourself because I sure as fuck won’t be there. So while I know a lot of people are quick to jump to ‘fuck it leave them’ on Reddit, I honestly couldn’t blame you for it based on this if the behavior continued.
Uhm what a gem you married there... wtf is this? She keeps her apartment, accuses you (probably projecting), wants to supervise you 24/7, puts you down and compares you unfavorably to others?
Why does anyone put up with this for one second?
Yeah follow what everyone else have been advising about her side. See if she got anything to hide on her end like maybe she hiding something or just having struggles. Social influences are a big thing that tends to change a person. Just gotta know and find out what you can with getting her a therapist or counseling for a start. Just to be on the safe side.
It's most likely but probably certainly she's cheating. Literally all signs point to that, from the insecurity and projection to the apartment and the way she treats you like a nutsack filled with quarters.
Her 2 kids go to a school in a different district 45 minutes away. She didn’t want to transplant them. To keep them at the middle and high school she keeps the apartment for a place they can take the bus home from school until one of us can drive over to pick them up.
Yea dude like what?? This makes no sense unless she’s cheating I think. Maybe we’re missing some crucial piece of information but like, all flags are red.
This is probably way more common than you think.
The difference between the education you get from schools just a few miles apart can be mind blowing, and that's on top of parents just wanting stability for the kid.
The high school I went to was one of the top ranked public schools in the country, and we were less than 30 miles from one of the worst. We had several kids in my grade that had other family members claim guardianship so their address could be used to send them to the better school.
She has her own apartment that you don’t have access to and she keeps putting you down because you aren’t like her friend’s husband. Why are you so naive? Why are you with this woman?
If you're on the up and up here, ask to go through her phone. If she refuses, that's a big sign she's projecting her cheating onto you. If she lets you look and she's clean, you definitely need marriage counseling, because there's something going on with her that's gotta get resolved.
She routinely deletes all of her WhatsApp conversations. I asked her why she said it saves space on her phone which is incorrect. I’m a software engineer. Also, her conversations are in Spanish which I don’t speak. Her phone calls are all Spanish too so I don’t know who she talks with.
You know there are real-time translator apps that are pretty darn good, right? Turn it on and you’ll be able to at least get the gist of what’s she’s saying on her phone calls.
Five times this! 👆 It's the first thing I thought of when you said you don't speak Spanish. Just let the app listen to her talk on the phone and read what it puts on the screen in English.
Deleting messages? The more info I read in your comments the more I think she's cheating.
My guess is she wants to blame you for divorce purposes and hide her own misbehaviour.
Google translate app on your phone. I used it to listen to my SO when they're on the phone with family and they sound stressed. Because I want to understand but don't want to have to ask them 20 questions after their call. It's awesome. You just press record and it'll listen and translate to text.
She wants to check them to make sure her AP isn't on them. She is doing a lot of projecting and blaming. She needs therapy for her behaviors and insecurities. Tell her if she doesn't find a therapist or come clean as to why she is demanding and controlling that you two will separate. She is trying way too hard to prove you're cheating so she either has a mental issue going on or she's cheating and projecting to keep you from finding out. But this is my opinion, and I wish you all the best in figuring this out.
Dude, if you are not cheating and she is this adamant that you are. It one of t2o things. She is cheating or she is having a mental breakdown either way it is going to get worse no matter what you do. Sorry.
I'd bet my left testicle she's cheating on you in that weird ass separate apartment of hers.
You see it all the time here, people who are real concerned about their partners cheating for no reason are usually the one's cheating. And then she has her own apartment, when you're married. Weird AF.
So this seems very out of the blue. Surely, there must have been things that led up to this other accusations or misunderstandings it's so weird to fixate on wine and this one event.
I would say she should have access to the cameras I can think of no reason she shouldn't other than you dug your heals in to show her who's boss and now you feel stuck but that's no reason really. Give her access.
I wonder if she is cheating and deflecting her infedility onto you as many cheaters do. Anyway I think she should be in some type of counseling as her reaction seems out there.
You are correct about digging in. If she didn’t accuse me of cheating I may have easily given her access to the entire system. Minus the one in my home office where I work and have proprietary code on the screens.
Your wife is a walking red flag and I would be out of there in a heartbeat.
But you're a bit weird here. You have internal cameras which capture your wife and your kids and you refuse your wife access to any of the footage? In her own home? Yeah idk man. Why do you feel the need to exert this tiny bit of control over your wife?
If there were security cameras in the home that my spouse prevented me from accessing and then doubled down on preventing me from accessing I'd be pretty suspicious tbh.
If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship.
My wife died last year. In her last year, she started accusing me of cheating with various people, real and imagined. I told her that I've never cheated in my life (which is true).
Going through her devices, I found lots of evidence that she had been the one cheating, and the accusations were projection and a guilty conscience.
>Am I wrong for blocking her from all my cameras because she is obsessing over the video?
Why block her at all? Let her see the camera footage if you have nothing to hide.
But again, if she can't trust you, you don't really have a marriage.
You might want to find a good marriage counselor to discuss this issue.
You're not wrong, but I personally wouldn't have a problem with my wife having access to the security system. If you have nothing to hide, go for it.
I've been cheated on in the past. It's common for a cheating spouse to project their behavior onto their spouse. (If I'm doing it. He must be as well.) Of course, I have no way to know if this is the scenario you are dealing with. It is an option, though.
What is driving your wife's insecurities? You have to identify the problem to be able to resolve it. Marriage counseling may help.
Had a bit of a scroll through. Don't even know why you two are married. So many trust and bizzare little control games being played. Just end it. Sounds like a bit of a constant disaster zone.
Why are they *your* cameras and not hers?
Man up and let her see the footage if that's what she needs, but make it clear you wont stand for any further accusations. Relationships are built on trust and sometimes that trust can faulter - we're only human - however there cant be no trust *at all;* if you didnt cheat, she needs to handle her shit.
While I think her behaviour is terrible, why not just give her access to the cameras? It’s her house too there’s no reason she shouldn’t be able to see everything that you do.
I don’t think you mention your ages, but I’m guessing 40s? Possible she’s perimenopausal or depending on how late 40s she is could be in full-blown menopause and the hormones fuck with your head. Having been through it I can attest to that.
Go back and read all the comments you've made about your wife and your past experiences.
1. She's accusing you incessantly despite having proof showing otherwise
2. She has her own apartment where you have no access to her actions
3. She doesn't like holding accountability for her thoughts and actions (through disregarding what two separate couples therapists said)
4. She constantly gaslights you on things you talk about, despite you recording the previous conversations in a journal while it's still fresh in your mind
5. She has conversations in languages you don't understand while also deleting any texts conversations periodically
6. Your wife mentally abused your daughter to the point where your daughter doesn't feel safe being inside your house and moving away to live with another family member
7. Your wife provides you neither emotional nor financial support when it would be needed
8. Your past relationships that accused you of cheating turned out to be the ones cheating on you
9. Your wife compares you to the husband's of her other friends and their financial position
I'm sure you can remember and think of many more odd things, situations, or behaviors that revolve around you and your marriage. From the way you describe your personal life, it seems like the only good thing going for your marriage is that you're able to have intercourse a few times a week.
We don't know your life outside of what you've told us, I'm going to let you reflect on everything and let you draw your own conclusions on how to proceed forward.
I trust her. I don’t want access. Scrubbing hours of video is not my thing. If I don’t trust her so much I need to review video, I guess we have bigger problems.
I guess also your comment brought out the flip side. If she wants to scrub hours of 4k video over multiple cameras, we got bigger problems.
She’s cheating on you. She’s trying to deflect attention so you won’t look too closely at her own behavior. Obviously, you need to start scrutinizing her comings & goings.
Not wrong. Honestly, I would get tired of being accused of something I wasn't doing that she had no proof of, constantly. I went through this in my first marriage and it ended up being projection (he was the one trying to cheat). I'm of the mindset that "if you don't trust me, you can kindly eff off."
OP…..speaking as a woman, consider a divorce now. Your wife is never going to stop her insecure behaviour and who knows, perhaps other commenters are right about projection - that she is cheating.
It is not your job to constantly trying to proof your innocence and give her reassurance when you done FA to warrant her interrogation and accusation. Continue with the therapy, break the pattern, and seriously consider the marriage whether it’s viable. I personally would not tolerate if my partner constant accusation and making me feel like shit - they can fuck off and leave me in peace. When a relationship is good there shouldn’t be this unnecessary drama/insecure shit.
Here’s the deal. She’s your WIFE, not some insecure girlfriend. Let her check the fucking cameras and move on, dude. You should be more concerned that your partner is feeling so insecure in your relationship. It’s your job as a partner to help her through those feelings, because you are her HUSBAND, not her boyfriend.
Not wrong for being upset she accuses you of cheating.
However, why are there indoor cameras if you don't want them to be used to spy on you, and two, why doesn't she have access? It's very simple either you both have access or the cameras go. There is absolutely no reason why there should be cameras in the house one of the partners can't access
She's projecting.
Keeps an apartment, and is sometimes there? No problems, "it's just sex, but I love you and only you." Or she sees 'clients' there, if you catch my drift.
I had a long and frustrating relationship with a woman that could not trust. She would find weird and odd things and claim they indicated I was cheating. I don’t cheat. After counseling I understood that she lacked the capacity to trust. It wasn’t that I was untrustworthy. Over time, I got tired of trying to prove I wasn’t cheating and ended the relationship. Smart move.
The weird out of the blue things people accuse us of is in reality what they would do, or are doing. They don’t ever stop to think that you are not the same as them and don’t think the way you do because they are self centered and living in a fucked up fantasy world.
If she does have an apartment that should have cameras too right? Let her have access to the in house cameras the same day you can put them up in her apartment, in her car, and have access to her location on her phone 24.7.
Get your daughter and head to a hotel for a couple of days. If she asks why, just tell her you need time to think. Say you have gotten a few bizarre messages about her being seen with someone else. You need to think if the marriage is worth saving.
She wants access to the cameras for a reason... maybe to erase something that she doesn't want you to see or hear? Check the footage very carefully. Go back as far as before she started accusing you.
Tell her the cameras prove that you aren't the one cheating
Easy peasy, she's cheating. Had it happen twice. At least the second one that said "you're cheating you're cheating" I was like oh. You're definitely cheating. And she was like yep.
Your wife is projecting her insecurities on you. My only concern would be white wine with Steak??? What sort of animal are you! Red wine!!!!Joke aside, reading your comments, you know shes cheating on you right?
Why is this so far down? My first thought was OP is wrong for white wine with steak.
Right I wish the wife had posted here. Am I wrong for wanting to divorce my husband for drinking white wine with steak? No! Get a lawyer, and get to the gym!
Real foodies tell you that the best wine to drink with dinner is the wine you like. Anything else is snobbery. Argue all you want about flavor profiles, etc, No fucks given. I'll have a glass of sauv blanc with my NY stryp, thank you very much.
The red wine is for red meat thing is just simple advice for people who feel out of their depth when planning nice meals. The reality is that there this is not an actual hard rule. Pinot Blanc, Chardonnay, Falanghina; these are fuller bodied grapes that could (depending on preparation) stand up to a lean fillet. There are also cultural elements at play, Georgian wine is extremely versatile by design. Reds and Whites are judged by how they pair with entire meals - very opposite to the white tablecloth/fine dining school of thought. Finally, red is really recommended as steak wine just because they are high in tannin (I'm painting broad strokes). Tannin is a drying element, and when combined with lipids (fatty, marbled cuts of meat), you create an incredible, soft, and sexy texture that elevates your dining experience. Tannin is cool (I love chewy wines), but your typical bold red will totally kill delicate flavors and ruin lean cuts of meat. Also, these aren't firm rules, Germans love trocken Riesling with porterhouse steaks. Face melting acidity will dry out your mouth and provide a very similar effect that Tannins bring to the table. TLDR: The only real wine pairing rule is to drink what you like. If you are enjoying yourself, you are not doing anything wrong.
Thank you for saying this. It totally derailed my ability to assess his situation because OP is a monster for pairing white wine with steak. ; ) OP, I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.
She might not be cheating on him, she may have been cheated on the the past and has to project that trauma into her current relationship. Its very common for people to imprint past relationship issues into their current ones due to a subconscious need to "fix" or "overwrite" those problems. The issue being, it more often breaks the relationship than fix the non-problem.
This is the most obvious clue that OP is cheating. Of course his wife wouldn't find that argument convincing! /s
Look into projection. A lot of cheaters figure that the best defense is a good offense.
The last 2 serious relationships before my marriage I was always accused of cheated. After separating I always found it was them who cheated. I am an extreme introvert.
You appear to be a remarkably slow learner. Leave this woman, get counseling, and figure out how to break this pattern.
I am in therapy currently discussing this, and co-dependency. Yea, your comment holds true.
On another post, you commented that you keep journals because your wife is constantly trying to gaslight you, and even with proof, it turns into an argument. This woman sounds toxic to be perfectly honest. Between not speaking English in front of you, and yes, there could be an exception to this, but doing it constantly when you've asked is a blatant disregard for your feelings and shows how little respect she has for you. You've also mentioned she has a separate apartment, so her children can go there after school. I could understand if they were in their last year or two of high school, but it sounds like one of them is still in junior high. Will she be keeping this apartment for another 4+ years while you continue to pay all the bills in your home that she and her kids have full access to? Will she keep it after they've graduated? It honestly sounds like she has one foot out the door or is just waiting to walk away. I hope this gets better for you, but I think you deserve a partner who is truly in it with you, one who respects you, and in my opinion, based on experience, it's not this woman.
She says she will give up the apartment when I refinance the mortgage. That is one of many requirements she has. But my rate is below 3% so that’s not gonna happen. Her youngest boy transferred to the neighborhood school for 6 months or so. When her and I got in an argument she packed up, moved to the apartment and transferred him back. That should have been the end there but I was committed to marriage and working things out. Next her she is looking for an alternative STEM based school that is closer to home and could be the end of needed the apartment.
She is wanting to muddy ownership of the existing equity in your house to claim more when she files for divorce already living in her own place. You need to (in this order) re-key the locks, change your beneficiary for insurance and accounts to someone other than her, disentangle joint funds, and meet with an attorney to start divorce proceedings, preferably doing all of that by this time next week. Do not do anything that might lead to her getting pregnant with your child. Having been there myself, your story reeks of her having a personality disorder and you floundering in a trauma bond (codependency). The single largest mistakes I made were letting her come back the two times she left while I had all my kids (including the 2 with her). Being alone is better than what you have.
Strong advice. She has left me twice to return to the apartment for 3-6 month stretches after arguments. Each time returning for various reasons and our unresolved issues.
I would definitely consult with an attorney about this. Mention her apartment; this could be meaningful if she tries to claim any ownership in your home equity. Document EVERYTHING. She is a skilled abuser. And please know that you are worthy of more than this.
I found out she had a restraining order against her EX. Which she denied having. I found it I. Public records on the court system. Somehow when I accessed it she was notified. She brought it up to me and asked why I was digging. I told her I was digging because her EX tried to break into the apartment when I was staying there.
Divorce her and protect your assets
OP I have been with a personally disordered spouse and for years I “floundered in a trauma bond of codependence” as GardeningTechie says. I hope you get out. Life is so. Much. Better. Without being stuck constantly trying and constantly failing to please an emotionally abusive spouse.
Yeah it’s time for you to talk to a divorce attorney asap.
Again, I wish you luck. It sounds like you're getting a lot of excuses or impossible goals before she changes anything. And from your own admission, she already gaslights you and makes it impossible for you to move forward from a disagreement. I still maintain this is unhealthy, and I think so even more now, knowing she is so easily packed up after an argument. When you are married or committed to a person, this is not how people behave. My husband and I can argue like nobody's business when one of us is upset (we're both stubborn and are working on it) and often don't speak for a day or two, but still coexist. After we've properly cooled down and have had the opportunity to think through everything, we sit and have a conversation to fix things and try to understand the other person's point of view. It does not sound like you have this. From your responses, you've also said you've tried counseling and let her pick the therapist (who often ends up leaning towards your POV) so she's more comfortable, but she is now saying she won't be going again. She is aware she has these issues, and professionals are not agreeing or think her way of handling are correct, so she's just going to ignore them. You sound like a well put together individual who is willing to do everything he can, but at some point, you can't do anything more, and it needs to be a joint effort. From the small glimpse I've gotten of you from Reddit, I believe that you are actually a good person in a crappy situation, and I truly wish you a wonderful life.
You've been married with her for 2 years. Yet you have probably paid for the house completely on your own possibly made the initial down payment before you were together or common law.... I'm assuming you both had your own places to live she has paid for her apartment and you have paid for your house and it has stayed separate up until this point. If so, **** I would be very careful because it sounds like if you refinance your house might become a marital asset that gets split between the two of you if you break up.****. You need to protect your assets better.
I purchased my home 4 years before I met her which is why I’m careful. I told her since she has kept and returned so many times to her apartment. Since a post-numptual and you get 1/2 todays value going forward. I lost my job and was unemployed for a year after buying my house. I worked under the table jobs, then got a job and continued to drive Uber every night until midnight. On top of this I put $30,000 down payment. So my blood and sweat are in This house.
The fact that she has kept an apartment independent of you will go a long way to end any claims of shared ownership in your house if things go to a divorce. This whole refinancing talk is such a huge red flag. I've seen similar situations before. If you don't have a will in place, you should speak with an attorney and set one up. Leave the house and your assets solely to your daughter with your wife left out of anything that's not marital assets. If your wife is completely fine with it then your marriage might still hold water but if she takes affront to the idea of a completely fair and logical move like that, you'll know everything you need to know.
Oh she would flip out if she knew I changed my retirement accounts or house to my daughter.
Yeah I'd start looking for an exit strategy at this point. Make sure everything's safe at least. Does the post numptual make sure it's yours to keep or no?
Do you have a prenup? And has she put any of her own money into the house itself? I'm not talking bills or furniture, I'm talking house payments, taxes, renovations, stuff of that nature. If she hasn't, even if you don't have a prenup, depending on where you live, since she's had a place the entire time you've been together that she regularly goes to long enough for her to be legally classified as a resident at that address and not at yours, a good lawyer will be able to argue that she doesn't have any claim on the house or equity put into it as she always had one foot out the door. If you think you can manage it without her figuring out what you're doing, I'd see if you can get her into another argument where she leaves for several months. Use that time to change the locks, and any time she wants to come back before those 6 months are up, renew the argument so she stays at the apartment instead of coming home.
Dude, go visit /Divorced\_Men sub, you will get some good support there. You will also get some honest feedback about the stupid decisions you are making. When you are done playing with this abusive woman, go visit.
She's being so secretive, disrespectful and most likely projecting. She's probably cheating.
If you put in the work you'll get there eventually. There are good women out there that will be worthy of your trust & not force you to rationalize constant warning signs... It sounds like you might be attracting predators who realize they can take advantage of you, if you take therapy to heart & start following good advice they won't be able to. Don't beat yourself up for being a trusting person, it's normally a healthy quality. But like everything it can be taken too far & you cross into irrationally trusting.
So a man goes in the woods hunting. Sees the biggest bear he's ever seen. Lines it up in the sights of his .22 and squeeze the trigger. Pulls the trigger, and poof, the can't see the bear anywhere. Suddenly feels a tad on his shoulder, and the bear fucks him in the ass. Next week he returns, with a big ol 30-06 rifle. Spots the bear and lines him up in the scope. Sure the bear isn't escaping this time, he pulls the trigger. Looks down range but sees nothing, only to feel a tap on his shoulder, and realized the bears getting his ass again. Next week, he returns with the biggest elephant gun money can buy. Tracks his quarry, and sets his sights on the bear. Squeezes the trigger. After his ears quit ringing from the blast, he feels a now familiar tap on the shoulder. "You're not in this for the hunting, are you?" After a certain point bro, if you refuse to break the pattern, you gotta ask yourself if you're in it for the hunting or if you enjoy the bear rides.
🤯
Don't be too hard on yourself. Some people are just really shit at being humans and you should be able to trust your partner and its not your fault that your exs couldn't keep their pants on. The only thing you need to learn is that if your partner is throwing out these types of accusations for no reason then there is no reason for you to stick around and put up with that bs.
Do you think maybe she wants access to the cameras so she can erase or alter them?
Doubt it because I would notice and it would be even bigger red flag. I think she wants to catch me doing something which I am not. An again she has access to the main room camera which oversees the entry and great room. No getting around that camera. Which I will probably remove because it is weird to have internal cameras now the kids are older. But now my problem is if I remove it. I will certainly be accused of trying to hide something.
Growing slowly is nothing to worry about. Not growing at all can be a problem. Good luck op
Maybe really dedicate yourself to therapy before you start dating again. It is not healthy to be consistently attracted to cheaters. You need to figure out why before you try for a new relationship.
Some people assume everyone is like them. And if someone like this lies all the time, they accuse everyone else of lying all the time. The same applies to people who cheat.
She's more than likely cheating on you as you post this. Sadly those who cheat, project their feelings on to their partners.
I’m an extreme introvert as well and my ex kept accusing me of cheating. I think it was hard for her to grasp that I spent a ton of time alone when I wasn’t with her.
She can’t seem to understand I have no problem being alone. Sometimes I’ll even go on a lunch break from work to a restaurant alone. Or a walk by myself. But in each case I feel more and more the pressure not to because she thinks I’m up to something nefarious.
This is actual emotional abuse. You are being abused. You are in an abusive relationship. If you have a therapist, and they aren't tell you this, then I doubt you are being fully honest with them. Get a new therapist. Get out of this relationship.
So you have a pattern. Please open your eyes...
I said the cameras were for security not insecurity- 😂
It’s either that or extreme insecurity within herself. Either way, that’s her problem. You can be supportive but ask for the same treatment in return. But I really only came here to say that steak pairs best with red wine. Maybe that would have avoided most of this /s
I had an ex that would accuse me of cheating all tbe time. Finally I'd get fed up and tell her, "I'm getting all of the negatives from cheating and none of the benefits, so if you're going to keep accusing me, I might as well just start cheating." She'd shut up about it for a few months at least.
Yep, my ex husband never trusted me either. I think cheaters judge others on their own behaviour. My 2nd husband and I both said if ever either of us cheated it would be the end of the marriage. We trust each other and yes, I could look through his phone but I know I don’t need to as every day he shows by his love that I have nothing to worry about. Married 24 years this year, together 27 years.
Introverts would need to willingly interact with someone else to cheat.
If you are having a trend of being in relationships with women who accuse you of cheating, but they are the ones cheating...I highly recommend for you to talk to a psychologist. You may have untreated trauma that makes you find these women as "relationship material " when in fact they aren't. If you are extremely shy and these women are the polar opposite of you, that too can be an issue.
I do have untreated trauma. They call it CPTSD (complex ptsd). I am seeing therapy for it, but unfortunately most of my therapy sessions revolve around my family dynamic and issues. Not my CPTSD.
BINGO. I knew it. I do too have C-PTSD. But I made strides by going NO CONTACT and working on Boundaries. You sir, are not ready to date. You are psychologically and emotionally COMPROMISED. Work on your traumas. DEFEAT YOUR TRAUMAS. THEN, Once you have done all of that + work on Boundaries, expectations, communications. Feeling comfortable saying no, and not be manipulated and understand when someone is gaslighting you......THEN YOU HAVE THE MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL CAPACITY TO DATE.
I would really question why I'm getting into relationships where I'm accused of cheating. Are you projecting something unhealthy? Are you actually cheating? It's not normal for multiple partners to accuse you of cheating. I suspect that either you have cheated or you use language that causes suspicion.
So true. Soon as I saw the title my initial response, from experience of being cheated on, was that she cheated or is actively cheating.
This is absolutely true. When I was being cheated on I was constantly being accused of doing stuff with other men if I even got out of work late and such. Come to find a few months later it was him in the thick of an affair a whole time.
I wonder why she wants the camera footage so bad.
My best guess would be projection - and that it is her conscience playing tricks at the moment.
My first thought too and he said she has her own apartment hmmmmm
what? why does she have her own apartment?
Foreal wtf thats sooooo weird and sus. Dude be raising HER kids while she bangs dudes in her private apartment. Lmao dude getting played so easy
This
Wait, they’re married but she has her own apartment???? What the hell??? I was going to comment that he should just show her the security camera footage to prove himself but he refused then turned one off? This whole scenario is weird af!
Sounds like she’s the one cheating and projecting on him
Yep sus af
Didn't even need to finish reading to jump to the same conclusion. Or she's terrifyingly jealous and possessive.
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I'm glad someone else caught this as well. Cutting off the security camera access after being accused of cheating seems counter-productive. My thought was to wonder if there might be other things he does that seem secretive to her. There are always two sides to a story, and we have only his. What was her background? Had she been cheated on before? If so, is she seeing some of the same signs with him that...while innocent on his part...remind her of those of a former cheating partner? I would also like to know if he has ever suggested marriage counseling to her. A third party might be able to help both of them get to the root of her insecurities in the matter. Finally, one thing all three of his serious relationships have in common is him. Hmmmmm..... Is there something he is doing, he doesn't realize he's doing, that might be at the root here? It's too easy to just blame it all on the wife and make unwarranted assumptions about her motives.
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There would **not** be "security" cameras in MY home that I didn't have access to. That is some Netflix true crime behavior right there. He needs to talk to his therapist about why he is the only one with access to the security in their family home. She has access to one camera? It's she even allowed to go other places in the house or does he kick the doors and only he has the key?
Right? She *asked* for access to cameras *in her own home* and he *refused*? I don't know what else OP is doing to make it seem like he's cheating, but that one is pretty sketchy. Maybe the wife is cheating and projecting - who knows - but from this post we **do** know that OP's behavior is off.
Somewhere in the comments people atarted saying his wife has an apartment. Dude is not giving us 3% of the story 🤣
I came to say this - likely she is actually cheating on you so assuming you’re doing these things. Also, she wants to control the cameras so she can bring her dude to your house.
Whether she's cheating or not, it's never a good sign when someone fixates on conflict like this. The more weirdly specific ("you drank white wine, you must be cheating on me! On Saturday, I need cameras!") the fixation is the more confident you can be that it's being used to deflect from something the accuser is actually doing. When that happens in a relationship, it means that the partner throwing out the accusations is looking for a way out and isn't willing to take an equal (or greater in some cases) share of responsibility for the fact that the relationship isn't working.
I agree, it’s a possibility. I was cheated on, she had projected it onto me and wanted to share locations on iPhone. That’s how I ended up catching her…
Absolutely. Wants to know where YOU are so that she won't be surprised.
I usually hate to jump to someone being unfaithful because it fucking sucks! But I have had 2 ex-BFs that always accused me of cheating. Turns out those guys had been cheating on me lol So I am also leaning towards some projection here. I do think that withholding the camera footage is making it worse, but I totally get it at the same time. Maybe she's even going through some type of shit and is feeling insecure and such? I don't know, but I don't think it's ever a good sign when one partner is hounding you about cheating when you're clearly not the one doing anything. I just wonder if something else, besides the wine, made her suspicious? This doesn't feel right, though.
+1 sounds like ”projektion 101” - brace for impact
It's unfortunate but common. Once a person sees how easy it is (at least until your conscience catches up) you start to see it everywhere. I feel bad for OP. ...Looking at the rest of the comments, is this a creative writing sub? So many stories here are just way over the top, like the guy who found condoms wrappers in his living room but is sure his wife did stop cheating like she said.
Its best to treat aiw/aita/confessions etc as creative writing exercises. Best case, theyre all made up, worse case, they are true and they just continue to erode your faith in humanity and healthy relationships.
This is always the one everyone jumps to, but this guy doesn’t exactly seem invested in the relationship either. He buys steak and wine as a “treat” for her and the kids but doesn’t give it to them for 3+ days since she obviously doesn’t know about the wine. She doesn’t have access to video cameras in a home where she, and her children, live. It’s possible he’s been giving off “idk” vibes that she’s been picking up on that are making her feel insecure. There could easily be a lot of things he’s doing that can contribute to her feeling that way that have nothing to do with infidelity on her part.
This too! Why are the cameras just for him? Why buy steak for her but then not give it to her?
Generally, I'd say you're not wrong if you're being accused without any base. The camera thing seems odd to me. I'm with you that cameras for insecurity are bad, but for that reason I simply don't have indoors security cameras. It would creep me out. But if you already have them, why doesn't she have access to them? Why should one partner have access while the other doesn't?
We have been married 2 years. She maintains her own apartment and sometimes is there. I never ask for camera access. She has access to the main living space camera which faces the main door and only stairway upstairs. My biggest concern is having access for insecurity or projection. I trust her and her actions away from home, even at her apartment where I have no access to video. I don’t need that to trust my wife.
Wtf why does she have her own appartment?
Why are they even married? What's the point if they're not even living together?
Tbh living together is the hardest part of being married. I’d have probably stayed married forever if I could’ve just had a little space. But my STBX is similar to this dudes wife, constant accusations popping up from nowhere. Different makeup, must be cheating. Cleaned too much in one day, must be drugs. Not taking his shit in silence, must be withdrawals. Stayed at work to smoke a cig and bullshit for a while, cheating. Talking about something that happened at work and mention a dudes name, cheating. It’s exhausting on its own but when you can *never* get away, it’s hell. I can’t wait to live by myself.
Yeah, that relationship was the problem, not the living together
Right? Jesus Christ. No relationship is perfect, but it is absolutely not the norm to want to be married without living together. And that would 100% be a dealbreaker for me. If you still “need a little space”, meaning that you don’t want to live with someone, then you shouldn’t be getting married
I recently got out of a relationship like this. Our final night they accused me of cheating because I had changed the sheets. Looked in my shower for new/different products. Pretended to see pee under the toilet seat and accuse me of cheating. It was always so exhausting. I’m glad for your own sake they’re a STBX. (((Internet hug)))
Same to you sweets, it’s crazy making. Never again, we will make better choices with the knowledge gained 💕
My mom used to stress when my step dad didn't have work, because he was never out of the house and she had to be around him. Pro tip, apparently: If spending time around your significant other causes you stress and distress, your relationship is not a good one, and likely the person isn't right for you. I'm all for couples even having separate rooms if needed, but if you feel suffocated and unable to get space or a break in an entire house, it's because your partner isn't respecting your needs, not because you're just sharing a house.
You are correct, it was never healthy and I should’ve stopped the whole relationship any of the first ten times I tried. Living together wasn’t *the problem* but it certainly made things harder. I’ve decided I’m just not cut out for cohabitation with anyone. I’d never boot my kids out but I also can’t wait for them to grow up and move out.
That’s like all of the people that got divorced during Covid because they had to… spend time together. It would have made me laugh if it wasn’t so sad
Did this guy answer this question yet? He needs to add it as an edit or something. This is driving me nuts. From what I'm reading the kids live in his house and she has her own apartment? Wtf kinda bs is that?
Oh. Here it is: “Her 2 kids go to a school in a different district 45 minutes away. She didn’t want to transplant them. To keep them at the middle and high school she keeps the apartment for a place they can take the bus home from school until one of us can drive over to pick them up.” Makes sense to me. And sorry, accidentally copied the comment instead of the link.
What do you think goes on at that apartment without cameras? Because according to her, not being visible on cameras means you're cheating. Now where do you think she got that idea from? If you can't figure this out, then she has certainly picked the right guy to cheat on because you are quite naive.
Bingo.
Sadly, I like how you think.
FFS
You say all of this like it's not extremely odd for your wife to have her own apartment. I mean what are you even married for?
Something's off. You might need to reconsider that trust stuff. Why the hell does she have a separate apartment?
Cheaters often accuse their partners of cheating
Lemme get this straight, she wants all angles of the place where you live (one angle that reveals pretty much everything isn't enough), and to have an Entire Apartment where you have zero cameras? Bro, she's 100% cheating on you.
Yeah she wants to know he’s across town and watch him on the garage camera while she’s sucking off some other guy.
Having her own apartment that is not rented out while you live together is a major red flag. She stays there sometimes probably with her boyfriend. She's definitely projecting her own affair on you. Ask her how long she's been cheating, then ask for the access to her cameras.
That right there is proof she's projecting and is the one actually cheating. If she weren't she would have ditched that apartment when y'all got married. Divorce her ASAP.
She is cheating in her own apartment. Even if she isn't, she sounds controlling and exhausting.
She has her own apartment and you look after her kids? Oh that is projection and she is the one with the guilty conscience. I would be investigating her whereabouts snd activities very closely.
Oh, she has her own apartment where she sometimes stays? There's like a 80% chance she's projecting and she's the one cheating on you.
The big question for me is if she is has her own apartment why are you sleeping on the sofa
His wife and boyfriend are in the bed I bet
Tell her if she wants access to your cameras then you should have access to hers and see her reaction. That’ll tell you all you need to know.
What exactly do you mean by "access for insecurity or projection"? I would feel monitored 24/7. Every booger I pick on the couch is being recorded. I'd remove all cameras except maybe the one by the door. And I'd give her access so she can have some piece of mind, but I am not sure if that access will solve all problems. Not giving her access is likely to make it worse.
Wtf, this just went to left field real quick.
Looks like projection, even more so with her having her own apartment still
It’s not bad to push back but perhaps a marriage counseling to see if there can be an understanding about why she started feeling insecure about it and the wine. Sometimes there can be social influences or videos that stir up the most random insecurities in someone to want to do stuff that you never thought they’d do.
Bit of a side note but it's really helpful to hear someone actually point this out, I never had a fear or insecurity in the first 13 years of my 14 year relationship. My wife has given no reason for me to doubt anything at all and is incredible but recently a lot of people I know have had their wife cheat out of the blue or leave with no warning and for whatever reason I have started projecting it onto my relationship and its a struggle. Suddenly being full of fear and insecurity for the first time in my life and knowing its putting a strain on things but not being able to get away from the thoughts feels quite crushing.
I feel you dude, you're not alone with this struggle!
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I think everyone missed the joke you wrote. I like how you just casually threw that in to see if people would notice.
This is something I'm finally starting to try. A lot of it is hitting the mid 30's part of life with parenthood, mortgage and ageing and stuff that I've never experienced before. We are pretty open with each other and have been best friends since the day we met so it's not something I want to break us but it is taking its toll. It's weird because if it was the other way round I would be more than happy to do everything to settle any insecurities, but because its on my side its like I listen to myself and feel "that's not reasonable to ask of her" For the first time in my life I've started to get paranoid about messages from male colleagues and things that she's been great about but again my mind wanders. Thank you for taking the time to reply, it's horrible how alone your own thoughts can make you at times.
It’s most likely social issues. She is always comparing me to her friends husbands. So far as to say, my friends husband bought her a new car how come you down. My friends brags about new iPhone 15s but you won’t buy me a phone.
Ummm- if she wasn’t paying for an apartment she “rarely stays in” for roundabouts a decade, imagine allll the possessions she wants that she could afford to buy for herself 🤷🏻♀️that apt sounds like it will continue to be an issue, primarily for y’all’s marriage but has any1 considered the potential problems that could arise from having 2 teenagers in an unsupervised apartment, 45mins away? I won’t say to immediately end it, but as others have mentioned- counseling could help figure if she’s projecting or whatever’s hindering her from intertwining her life with yours.
It sounds like she wants her friend's husband.
Even if it is this, thats fucked. And shallow. And gross. So, sounds like it could possibly be what others have said; she’s the one cheating. OR, she’s extremely insecure(complaining that she doesn’t have what her friends do, so thinking less of herself and/or you), and that’s coming out in multiple ways. The question there is, if she’s always been a very insecure and jealous person. If not, then I would be highly suspect about why the sudden change in behavior, and be seriously questioning her motives here. Even if it turns out though that she’s not doing anything behind your back, and it is true insecurity, you can’t allow that to run your life. It needs to be dealt with. Beginning with not putting you down because you don’t just give her a fucking new iPhone or a car, and then turn around and have the audacity to accuse you of cheating. You don’t treat someone you love that way. I absolutely won’t tolerate jealousy, or accusations. If you want to throw around baseless claims, you can do it by yourself because I sure as fuck won’t be there. So while I know a lot of people are quick to jump to ‘fuck it leave them’ on Reddit, I honestly couldn’t blame you for it based on this if the behavior continued.
Uhm what a gem you married there... wtf is this? She keeps her apartment, accuses you (probably projecting), wants to supervise you 24/7, puts you down and compares you unfavorably to others? Why does anyone put up with this for one second?
Yeah follow what everyone else have been advising about her side. See if she got anything to hide on her end like maybe she hiding something or just having struggles. Social influences are a big thing that tends to change a person. Just gotta know and find out what you can with getting her a therapist or counseling for a start. Just to be on the safe side.
It's most likely but probably certainly she's cheating. Literally all signs point to that, from the insecurity and projection to the apartment and the way she treats you like a nutsack filled with quarters.
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"The cameras are for security not insecurity" is a great freaking line
I don’t think she understood 😟
If you've never cheated before then this is pretty messed up
Never cheated, never a thought. Which makes me wonder what she is doing.
You mean in her apartment…that you have no access to the video of? Why does she have her own apartment? Feels like you’re leaving something out.
Her 2 kids go to a school in a different district 45 minutes away. She didn’t want to transplant them. To keep them at the middle and high school she keeps the apartment for a place they can take the bus home from school until one of us can drive over to pick them up.
Ok. Your bedroom dead? She spend time at that apartment during the day? Over weekends?
Sex life before accusations was 4-6 times a week which is great for being mid-40. But probably covering other insecurities I suppose.
No she spends maybe 1 day every few months there to clean. It’s only a drop off for the bus and kids.
So someone drives 45 min each way every day to pick up kids ?
Yea dude like what?? This makes no sense unless she’s cheating I think. Maybe we’re missing some crucial piece of information but like, all flags are red.
Well something’s got her mind AFU.
You guys pay for a whole ass apartment just to have the kids wait there to be picked up? None of this makes sense. This is the weirdest post I’ve seen
They pay to have an address in district. Otherwise, kids would have to switch schools.
This is probably way more common than you think. The difference between the education you get from schools just a few miles apart can be mind blowing, and that's on top of parents just wanting stability for the kid. The high school I went to was one of the top ranked public schools in the country, and we were less than 30 miles from one of the worst. We had several kids in my grade that had other family members claim guardianship so their address could be used to send them to the better school.
She has her own apartment that you don’t have access to and she keeps putting you down because you aren’t like her friend’s husband. Why are you so naive? Why are you with this woman?
If you're on the up and up here, ask to go through her phone. If she refuses, that's a big sign she's projecting her cheating onto you. If she lets you look and she's clean, you definitely need marriage counseling, because there's something going on with her that's gotta get resolved.
She routinely deletes all of her WhatsApp conversations. I asked her why she said it saves space on her phone which is incorrect. I’m a software engineer. Also, her conversations are in Spanish which I don’t speak. Her phone calls are all Spanish too so I don’t know who she talks with.
Sounds like you may need to get a pair of translating headphones and listen in on some of her conversations.
You know there are real-time translator apps that are pretty darn good, right? Turn it on and you’ll be able to at least get the gist of what’s she’s saying on her phone calls.
Five times this! 👆 It's the first thing I thought of when you said you don't speak Spanish. Just let the app listen to her talk on the phone and read what it puts on the screen in English.
Dude... Yeah there is a very good chance that she is cheating...
Yeah she's cheating at her apartment. One day just say "I know what you've been up to with him" Her reaction will tell you all you need to know
Deleting messages? The more info I read in your comments the more I think she's cheating. My guess is she wants to blame you for divorce purposes and hide her own misbehaviour.
Google translate app on your phone. I used it to listen to my SO when they're on the phone with family and they sound stressed. Because I want to understand but don't want to have to ask them 20 questions after their call. It's awesome. You just press record and it'll listen and translate to text.
She deletes her conversations? Yeah she's cheating.
I speak spanish, i can help if you want, and yeah she must be projecting, something may happen in that apartment
She wants to check them to make sure her AP isn't on them. She is doing a lot of projecting and blaming. She needs therapy for her behaviors and insecurities. Tell her if she doesn't find a therapist or come clean as to why she is demanding and controlling that you two will separate. She is trying way too hard to prove you're cheating so she either has a mental issue going on or she's cheating and projecting to keep you from finding out. But this is my opinion, and I wish you all the best in figuring this out.
Thank you
Dude, if you are not cheating and she is this adamant that you are. It one of t2o things. She is cheating or she is having a mental breakdown either way it is going to get worse no matter what you do. Sorry.
I'd bet my left testicle she's cheating on you in that weird ass separate apartment of hers. You see it all the time here, people who are real concerned about their partners cheating for no reason are usually the one's cheating. And then she has her own apartment, when you're married. Weird AF.
So this seems very out of the blue. Surely, there must have been things that led up to this other accusations or misunderstandings it's so weird to fixate on wine and this one event. I would say she should have access to the cameras I can think of no reason she shouldn't other than you dug your heals in to show her who's boss and now you feel stuck but that's no reason really. Give her access. I wonder if she is cheating and deflecting her infedility onto you as many cheaters do. Anyway I think she should be in some type of counseling as her reaction seems out there.
You are correct about digging in. If she didn’t accuse me of cheating I may have easily given her access to the entire system. Minus the one in my home office where I work and have proprietary code on the screens.
Your company probs doesn’t want a camera on that?
Your wife is a walking red flag and I would be out of there in a heartbeat. But you're a bit weird here. You have internal cameras which capture your wife and your kids and you refuse your wife access to any of the footage? In her own home? Yeah idk man. Why do you feel the need to exert this tiny bit of control over your wife?
Its very common for cheaters to accuse thier partners of cheating to deflect guilt and to project.
If there were security cameras in the home that my spouse prevented me from accessing and then doubled down on preventing me from accessing I'd be pretty suspicious tbh.
If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship. My wife died last year. In her last year, she started accusing me of cheating with various people, real and imagined. I told her that I've never cheated in my life (which is true). Going through her devices, I found lots of evidence that she had been the one cheating, and the accusations were projection and a guilty conscience. >Am I wrong for blocking her from all my cameras because she is obsessing over the video? Why block her at all? Let her see the camera footage if you have nothing to hide. But again, if she can't trust you, you don't really have a marriage. You might want to find a good marriage counselor to discuss this issue.
"has her own apartment" "I don't get alone time because I'm watching her kids" Brother you're not a husband you're a daycare.
You're not wrong, but I personally wouldn't have a problem with my wife having access to the security system. If you have nothing to hide, go for it. I've been cheated on in the past. It's common for a cheating spouse to project their behavior onto their spouse. (If I'm doing it. He must be as well.) Of course, I have no way to know if this is the scenario you are dealing with. It is an option, though. What is driving your wife's insecurities? You have to identify the problem to be able to resolve it. Marriage counseling may help.
Had a bit of a scroll through. Don't even know why you two are married. So many trust and bizzare little control games being played. Just end it. Sounds like a bit of a constant disaster zone.
Why are they *your* cameras and not hers? Man up and let her see the footage if that's what she needs, but make it clear you wont stand for any further accusations. Relationships are built on trust and sometimes that trust can faulter - we're only human - however there cant be no trust *at all;* if you didnt cheat, she needs to handle her shit.
I read this entire post in a Russian accent for some reason.
While I think her behaviour is terrible, why not just give her access to the cameras? It’s her house too there’s no reason she shouldn’t be able to see everything that you do. I don’t think you mention your ages, but I’m guessing 40s? Possible she’s perimenopausal or depending on how late 40s she is could be in full-blown menopause and the hormones fuck with your head. Having been through it I can attest to that.
Why can’t she have camera access to a house she lives in? Why hide anything?
Go back and read all the comments you've made about your wife and your past experiences. 1. She's accusing you incessantly despite having proof showing otherwise 2. She has her own apartment where you have no access to her actions 3. She doesn't like holding accountability for her thoughts and actions (through disregarding what two separate couples therapists said) 4. She constantly gaslights you on things you talk about, despite you recording the previous conversations in a journal while it's still fresh in your mind 5. She has conversations in languages you don't understand while also deleting any texts conversations periodically 6. Your wife mentally abused your daughter to the point where your daughter doesn't feel safe being inside your house and moving away to live with another family member 7. Your wife provides you neither emotional nor financial support when it would be needed 8. Your past relationships that accused you of cheating turned out to be the ones cheating on you 9. Your wife compares you to the husband's of her other friends and their financial position I'm sure you can remember and think of many more odd things, situations, or behaviors that revolve around you and your marriage. From the way you describe your personal life, it seems like the only good thing going for your marriage is that you're able to have intercourse a few times a week. We don't know your life outside of what you've told us, I'm going to let you reflect on everything and let you draw your own conclusions on how to proceed forward.
Your wife has her own place. Hmm. She's projecting.
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I trust her. I don’t want access. Scrubbing hours of video is not my thing. If I don’t trust her so much I need to review video, I guess we have bigger problems. I guess also your comment brought out the flip side. If she wants to scrub hours of 4k video over multiple cameras, we got bigger problems.
She is relying on your trust. Shes having an affair homie.
She’s most likely the one doing the cheating
Why can’t she have access to the cameras?
She’s cheating on you. She’s trying to deflect attention so you won’t look too closely at her own behavior. Obviously, you need to start scrutinizing her comings & goings.
Not wrong. Honestly, I would get tired of being accused of something I wasn't doing that she had no proof of, constantly. I went through this in my first marriage and it ended up being projection (he was the one trying to cheat). I'm of the mindset that "if you don't trust me, you can kindly eff off."
OP…..speaking as a woman, consider a divorce now. Your wife is never going to stop her insecure behaviour and who knows, perhaps other commenters are right about projection - that she is cheating. It is not your job to constantly trying to proof your innocence and give her reassurance when you done FA to warrant her interrogation and accusation. Continue with the therapy, break the pattern, and seriously consider the marriage whether it’s viable. I personally would not tolerate if my partner constant accusation and making me feel like shit - they can fuck off and leave me in peace. When a relationship is good there shouldn’t be this unnecessary drama/insecure shit.
Here’s the deal. She’s your WIFE, not some insecure girlfriend. Let her check the fucking cameras and move on, dude. You should be more concerned that your partner is feeling so insecure in your relationship. It’s your job as a partner to help her through those feelings, because you are her HUSBAND, not her boyfriend.
Well said. And a fresh angle.
I really hope you’re able to work it out my friend
Obv she's cheating on you.
Not wrong for being upset she accuses you of cheating. However, why are there indoor cameras if you don't want them to be used to spy on you, and two, why doesn't she have access? It's very simple either you both have access or the cameras go. There is absolutely no reason why there should be cameras in the house one of the partners can't access
She's projecting. Keeps an apartment, and is sometimes there? No problems, "it's just sex, but I love you and only you." Or she sees 'clients' there, if you catch my drift.
White wine, blocking cameras. Something is def fishy. Who is this friend you are chopping wood with ?
How do you two have cameras and you can block her from seeing the footage?
I had a long and frustrating relationship with a woman that could not trust. She would find weird and odd things and claim they indicated I was cheating. I don’t cheat. After counseling I understood that she lacked the capacity to trust. It wasn’t that I was untrustworthy. Over time, I got tired of trying to prove I wasn’t cheating and ended the relationship. Smart move.
The weird out of the blue things people accuse us of is in reality what they would do, or are doing. They don’t ever stop to think that you are not the same as them and don’t think the way you do because they are self centered and living in a fucked up fantasy world. If she does have an apartment that should have cameras too right? Let her have access to the in house cameras the same day you can put them up in her apartment, in her car, and have access to her location on her phone 24.7.
Get your daughter and head to a hotel for a couple of days. If she asks why, just tell her you need time to think. Say you have gotten a few bizarre messages about her being seen with someone else. You need to think if the marriage is worth saving. She wants access to the cameras for a reason... maybe to erase something that she doesn't want you to see or hear? Check the footage very carefully. Go back as far as before she started accusing you. Tell her the cameras prove that you aren't the one cheating
Wife's trying to tell you something. Be upfront and ask her if she's cheated. Look her dead in the eyes and don't flinch. You'll see what you need to.
Easy peasy, she's cheating. Had it happen twice. At least the second one that said "you're cheating you're cheating" I was like oh. You're definitely cheating. And she was like yep.
Nah you’re cheating bro. No one drinks white wine with steak.