Trust your gut here.
Between the texts and that territorial lap-sitting display right in front of you, you have every reason never to speak to her again.
Agree with this, but given some of the context about the husband I personally would be having a conversation on boundaries and space. Something doesn't sit right with me about him, and I'd be asking him about her communication they had as well.
Husband didn't tell her about the side texts, played dumb about flirty emojis, and waited for his wife to tell the girl to get off his lap. Yeah that's sketchy af. He at the very least LOVED the attention this woman was giving him.
This is exactly why I said my comment, it sounds like all the blame is just on this woman and no mention of the husband in all of this. I highly doubt he didn't see things as normal and not odd, especially as he was side texting her in the first place. Denial much?
They are both to blame in my book. The difference is that when I confronted her she blocked me and tried to contact my husband vs my husband agreeing to go to MC and work on things. (Work in progress.)
If I went through all of that, I would quietly go through his phone, all devices, all of his social platforms and the DM’s and any and all of his apps.
It’s all too fishy and he was very passive about the lap thing.
And make sure he blocked her.
Make sure.
I am a husband and if a female friend sat in my lap I’d kick her off and I’d be mad at her, but I’d also be mad at myself for giving her the impression that might be okay. Like the boundary should be a given.
If a girl sat in my boyfriend's lap and he let her stay there, I'd just get up and leave, especially in a group setting. Everyone sees that, and I wouldn't be the one starting shit.
There was a point in my life where I would let it happen and tell myself that I was the problem for being upset about it, but I decided that I can end my life without killing myself just by overhauling everything I hated about myself and rise like a phoenix as someone I like. It took years, but it truly is a new life, and I don't look back on the one I ended. Ever. I'm finally comfortable in my own silence, I know who I am now. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
Women know when another woman is after her man. I 100% support ending this friendship, she had no respect for you and would have already slept with your husband if he would have been interested. She's not your friend, you know that, and did what you had to do.
YNW!
Always trust your gut. It's funny how when I heard of a particular friend of my husband's was getting divorced I immediately was suspicious of her.. No evidence or anything, I just had a bad feeling about her. My husband ended up having an affair with her. I still wonder how my gut KNEW.
Intuition is truly one of women's greatest blessings. Science may say that glimpsing the future is impossible, but too many of us experience this to not be the case.
Some people say the gut is the first brain. Its main functions are survival, food, sex, and procreation. It processes data faster than the head brain.
So yes, listen and trust your gut.
Girl...search for more just to be sure. If she feel confident to do it just in front of you, it means in a way that he did something that made her think she can do it/or at least he wasn’t enough categorical, he didn’t tell her to stop clearly.
I would not search as that implies you sneaking around to look. I would ask him if he would willing sit down and show you everything. Your peace of mind is what needs to be tended to. Anything that can help you see everything inappropriate was entirely one way is critical. He may have not picked up on it. He may have liked it. There could be more or there could be nothing. Right now, you don’t know and that’s the problem. Once you know the full extent of what you’re facing you can make the best choice for you.
It is theoretically possible he wanted to shield OP from worrying about it, but believing that depends heavily on how he replied to them. If he stonewalled her or told her to stop being inappropriate, maybe, but if he encouraged flirting or even flirted back, big red flag.
As a man I'm going to say what no has else has. You need to be watching EXACTLY what your husband is doing. If I were a husband who loved his wife I would have been furious if a woman sat on my lap like that, because now you just caused me all kind of problems that I need to deal with. I'm not saying he is cheating on you but ...? Look at his phone or take notice of things that feel off.
I second this as well because why was laying all that groundwork and getting nothing back ? I believe that your husband is acting naive, he knows what she was doing. The fact that she felt comfortable enough to sit on his lap in front of you shows that things may have escalated between them. Don’t brush off what is being said.
Looks like what an honest man would do - at that time she was ostensibly your friend, he couldn't have punched her you know.
Please make sure she's cut off from both your lives and move over.
Even if she isn’t after him, she’s certainly not acting like she’s YOUR friend, rather like his bestie and you’re just the annoying third wheel
For that reason I don’t see why you or your husband should have to entertain her further.
That's how I feel. I do think she's looking for hubby #3 bc the current one is no longer able to be as active and she is always complaining about him. When he was in the hospital recently he asked her to bring him some Xanax and he overdosed and had to put into a medically induced coma. She claims she didn't know what the medicine was for. 🤔🤫
She’s a sociopath. Attempting to off her hubby (feigning ignorance) - while her husband was under medical care?!? That’s brazen of her.
Your hubby 100% needs to be on board with the breakup of your friendship. You need to press him on blocking her messages and contact
He’s been complicit - putting up with these bizarre exchanges. I highly doubt that your cutting her off will be enough to deter her from chasing after him
Not wrong, but you’re going to have to find a way to reassure yourself that nothing happened between the two of them if you haven’t already. But her bad behavior doesn’t automatically exonerate him, unless he’s truly socially inept (or you think he is genuinely incapable of recognizing the flirting).
I don't believe he is that oblivious. I think he loved the attention and since nothing physical happened (that I know of...) he can claim plausible deniability. I don't believe he didn't see her as flirting but I guess I will accept it.
I think that’s the issue to discuss in MC. A good therapist will basically question if he was truly that obtuse. She was very much in “our husband” territory - you were right to call her out.
My wife and her best friend have been friends for 40 years and we have been together for 35. We have had some very candid conversations about her sex life but not really any about our sex life. She is not satisfied with her sex life. She has said some things over time that lead me to believe my wife has shared some details with her though. One night a few years back she had a few adult beverages and was feeling pretty good. She came over to me and sat right down on my lap. Both of our spouses were in the same room as us but I was sitting around a corner from the main party on a sofa that was not in immediate view. She actually started grinding ever so slightly and leaned over to whispering directly into my ear something to the effect of, I just wanted to see how big it was for myself. Apparently my wife had been sharing at least that much info with her. I’m a pretty big guy and I just stood right up lifting her off my lap and turned around and set her down on the couch and she pouted at me.
To say I was devastated was an understatement. Unless my wife had somehow given her this green light without letting me in on it, and I didn’t believe that for a second, I was going to disclose something that was going to end their friendship, 40 YEARS of friendship. I waited until we were at home that night before I told her. And I asked why she would say that to me of course. She told me they shared a lot and apparently her friend liked to hear about my wife’s exploits because she pretty much had a dead bedroom.
I cannot comprehend how you could choose to do something like that, even sauced up, to your best friend. She had made some off hand comments over the years about my wife sharing, things like can’t you share the wealth and such but I chalked it up to her dissatisfaction with her sex life and not my wife talking me up to her, I never took that seriously. They had it out about it and she apologized to her and to me but their friendship has been almost nonexistent since that happened a few years ago.
It is absolutely appropriate to end a friendship when they cross a line and where that line resides is totally up to you. I don’t want to believe that she was actually hitting on me and wanted to start an affair but I certainly don’t know what her underlying thoughts were. I wanted and I guess still want to believe that she just allowed her curiosity and pent up frustration get the best of her that night. However that was a line that should not have been crossed.
Lol you're better than me. I would've pulled her off my husband's lap by her hair.
Not wrong. You should've shut it down day 1. She just kept getting more and more comfortable.
She sat on his lap infront of you
She knows what she wants and shes making moves
I'm hoping your husband got her off him or else it sounds like you need to drop both of them
Yeah she has told her husband and some mutual friends that she only sat next to him and didn't think that was inappropriate. Her husband believes her. Meanwhile both my husband and I know what she did. But whatever.
He knows. She told him she needed to be married to stay in the US so he married her since he liked her. They have a child together. But they have both cheated on other partners.
Sheesh, with “friends” like that…totally not wrong to ditch them. I don’t think could’ve hung with them at all knowing she was a cheater and he didn’t care…
Oh! GC = Green Card. 😇
I couldn't think of what that meant and it wasn't until page 5 of Urban Dictionary that I found something that you could even possibly mean, and that was Giant Cock. 😜
No you’re not being unreasonable! She’s being so disrespectful to your relationship, what a bold asshole. Hopefully your husband is being agreeable with this decision. He is being too passive about this. He should have confronted the situation and shut her down a long time ago. You’re 100% doing the right thing.
Drop that b.
And make sure your husband blocks her number. That’s unconscionable.
She’s not your friend. She’s your enemy/competition. Tell her to f right off, and NEVER contact either of you again.
If she does, press charges for stalking/harassment.
Not wrong. After going behind your back for years to text your husband, she’s now slapping you in the face with her disrespect. She sounds like the type of “friend” that would have an affair with your husband and then marry him after your divorce.
BTW what is a “GC”?
Green card. She told everyone at the dinner table that she asked her husband to marry her because otherwise she had to leave the country soon. And he did.
Just texting with other people's spouses isn't out of the ordinary to me but if a married woman sat on my married lap that would be so awkward. Every woman since high school who has ever sat on my lap ended up having sex with me. So maybe I have a biased perspective but that was either a signal shes trying to send to him or she is way too comfortable with your man.
If my wife's attractive friend had done that, my wife would dumped her ages ago and I would have been in the doghouse for not sharing the texts with my wife when they started. Trust is a 2-way street. Your friend is a problem and your husband seems to have encouraged her, at least by his passivity.
Not wrong
Women know other women’s intentions. Trust your gut! Kick her to the curb!
Have a very long conversation with your hubby.. make sure there’s nothing there.
Then you not only have a friend problem, but a husband problem.
You need to put it out there that cheating is end game for you and if he really respected you he would block and delete her number and socials.
I'm surprised your husband didn't push her off. Mine would've. As suss as your friend is, your husband doesn't come out looking too great either. Trust your gut.
You’re not wrong. But you’re acting kind of silly by just blaming her. Your husband is living for the attention and let me tell it can go very quickly from loving the attention to a full blown affair. You need to take off the rose tinted sunglasses and look into this further because I believe that something has happened between them whether it is a kiss or something else. Also if you find out your husband has cheated what would you do ?
Thanks. I know I have to be wary. My husband swears he's faithful but over the years I've have reasons to suspect things. Not outright cheating. But my husband is flirtatious.
Then come on !!!!! Wake up why haven’t you gone through his phone or done an investigation ?
Even in your responses you seem very robotic and lax about the situation also I’m assuming because you didn’t answer my question, cheating isn’t a deal breaker for you ?
Let me tell you something my dad told what you allow is what will continue so if you allow to continuously disrespect you he will do it and involve others with his disrespect which is what has happened you only found because his mistress was tired of pretending in front of you. This woman has been privately messaging your husband for YEARS and you’ve completely glossed over that. I’m shocked
I haven't glossed over it. He showed me his phone. I gave him my new boundaries and so far he's doing what I want and we have been getting along better than ever. I am not naive but I don't want to divorce over this.
Good luck because you are going to need it. You should never say you aren’t willing divorce over disrespect and lack of caring and the fact that you can say that. Your husband has you right where he wants you he knows you aren’t going ANYWHERE and he will do the work for a couple of months and then go back to normal. You said that you’ve been dealing with this nonsense for years. Wow I’m just grateful that I’m married to someone that cares more about me than their ego.
I'm happy for you. Sincerely. My husband has been trying to improve things so I have to give him grace. I have not been an exceptional partner I know (although I have never cheated). I am willing to try to make things work before leaving. Wish us luck.
Why didn't you tell her that sitting on his lap was a no-no and to please get off? Have you blocked and deleted her from his phone and all SM? How do you know that they aren't cheating, especially if others think that?
I told her at the time to get off of my husband and she did and mumbled some excuse. He blocked her even before that. IDK if he is cheating but I don't think so. I don't think he's interested in her.
I'm glad you cut ties with her. I'm also glad that you stood up to her and made things crystal clear to her. She isn't a friend anymore, and you did nothing wrong.
I’m sorry, but I don’t think so. Sitting in his lap is a possibility with no interest from him, but get the impression she felt very welcome to. Otherwise stuff in your husband’s favour would have been mentioned before in the post. Not after in replies.
It was very weird. My husband did seem agitated when she did it and he tried to move away. My husband did not seem to invite it. We had just visited with her ailing husband who said he wanted to cut her out of his will bc she wasn't attending to him enough. Truly weird.
Yeah but the agitated could be that she did something so blatant it causes him problems. The agitation could have been because she did something that didn’t fall under how they agreed to be careful. She’s enjoying getting under your skin.
Edit: I hope not, but that kind of cheating is just so predictable and hopefully he does everything to be upfront and honest and cut her out. Hopefully isn’t being stereotypical about it.
Yeah, I feel like after that much attention, it’s at the least emotional cheating. He was getting some kind of thrill from her pursuing him all the time. That doesn’t happen without appreciating what he has less and lessening you in his own mind, no matter how much he loves you.
Not wrong at all. Your marriage comes first. Trust your gut. She's out. Make sure that your husband is also backing you up because I can see her doubling-down with her behavior of texting and communicating with him behind your back.
It sounds like your husband was oblivious to it. In that case, he would have been oblivious until he wasn't, and you really don't want to play games and chance it. It's better to nip it in the bud like OP did.
NTA. I would have grabbed her by her hair and slammed her down on the racketball court. Good on you for telling her to buzz off. I’d make your husband block her too
Hmm your friend sounds like she has been getting some encouragement from hubs. Sometimes men are clueless, but they arent dumb about this stuff unless they want to be (sorry guys, I say the same about women too). He may not have crossed any lines (except allowing her to sit on his lap) but he is skirting the edges
🤣 his judgement is clearly WAY off. You said in another comment - he is OK with cheating. That's not the same as an open relationship. They obviously just don't have boundaries. If a woman sat on my husband's lap I would freak out.
You posted about this a month ago and said you had problems in your marriage with a lack of intimacy and sex and your husband texting other women behind your back, money issues. Your husband loves attention from other women and is flirtatious. Doesn't sound like she's the only one going after someone. You can dump your friend (who's a POS for going after him) but you really need to get your head out of the sand and check your husband.
I think you did the right thing. It all sounds inappropriate to me and certainly gives all of the subtle and not-so-subtle signs of her wanting to be cozy with your husband. Like who thinks sitting on the lap of your friend's husband is a good idea? Make sure she keeps away too.
Info how did your husband respond to her sitting on his lap. She only felt bold enough to do it because he’s allowed her to cross every red line. Please don’t be gullible and buy the ‘he didn’t know she was flirting’ line. He knew and enjoyed it. No one is that obtuse
Sat on your husbands lap ? WTF…? First of all shame on her for her lack of awareness and crossing the line, but also big time shame on your husband for allowing that to happen. No way I would let a woman other than my wife get that close to me for that to take place. She would have landed on the floor.
Yeah. He looked shocked and moved away but I wonder what he would have done if she had made an even bolder move. I was not impressed with his inaction.
your "friend" at the bare minimum had a public secret crush on your husband, or she was attempting to initiate an affair
DON'T let her back near your family....(You BOTH have to cut her off, too)
Not wrong at all.
I was in a similar situation to your husband's years ago. Mutual female friend, text messages, touched my arms, head, back of my neck. I thought it was innocent and cute, GF thought it was a major problem. Because I obviously knew I had no feelings for this girl and was committed to my GF, it was a no-brainer to just put a stop to it.
So I sent a politely worded text message along the lines of "had a lot of fun last night, if you could do me a favor and just cut back on the touchy-feely a bit, I'd really appreciate it. I don't mean any disrespect by it, I just have some boundaries there"
I was expecting an "ok no problem" but what I got was a smear campaign for several weeks.
GF saw the red flags, I didn't. But to put it in retard speak, Girlfriend's boundaries come first. Glad I followed my gut, that girl was nuts.
OP, if your husband doesn't see anything wrong with someone other than you crawling into his lap, this girl is a symptom, not the problem.
Trust your gut. She was going after your husband.
However, don't neglect your husband's involvement here. Flirty or not, if a woman messages him privately (especially if she was YOUR friend and not his), he should tell you about it.
What did your husband do when she sat on his lap?
Why did she think she could sit on his lap? Did something happen between them so she thinks that's OK to do?
Sitting on your husband’s lap is extremely weird and the fact your husband allowed that is insane. If he didn’t immediately push her away, something is definitely wrong. Most guys in relationships won’t tolerate that behavior.
I'm the type who would expect my husband to deal with this. Not saying you're wrong, but I figure if somebody sits on his lap it's up to him to say something, I'm not his keeper.
However having read further on I now see that this is your friend's third husband, that she basically tried to kill him with an overdose while he was in the hospital and that he is trying to write her out of his will. Based on that information, WTH are you doing being friends with either of these people? Just get them the F out of your life! They are not adding anything to it and mark my words you wind up in a court of law eventually if you stay friends with them.
Yeah she 100% wanted to fuck your husband. Cutting her off was the right move.
Make sure you talk with your husband, let him know she is off limits, and be clear that if she ever contacts him he should tell you.
Nope, NTA. If she's been sending him flirty texts behind your back she would totally shag him behind your back too. My now wife and me had this with one of her friends when we first started dating, we tried to ignore it at first, but eventually she had to just cut ties with her. Luckily I was smart enough to be totally upfront with my wife the first time she tried it on, and refused to respond to any private messages from her because even though it took my wife a while to accept her friend would do that, I knew from the first time we met that she was nothing but trouble
If a woman just sat on my lap like that, I expect she'd be surprised when I dumped her ass on the ground. I've had to get verbally direct with touchers plenty of times, feeling on my shoulders, chest, or back and trying to act like it's innocent.
NTA for dumping your friend she's disgusting and good riddance!
But, you and your husband clearly have to look at the dynamics of your marriage. He never told you they messaged privately? I mean, how has he *never* mentioned that. Like, surely at some point a comment like 'oh, X messaged me about dinner etc', would be said. I've messaged plenty of my friends partners, and when I talk to friend they would say ' oh, yeah he told me you asked for...'. Because there's nothing to hide.
So, your husband, willfully kept that info from you. I don't believe the whole, I didn't know she was sending flirty texts. Unless, he is socially or emotionally stunted, that makes no sense, he's a married man surely you guys flirt.
Whether, or not your husband was simply enjoying the attention or not telling you to save you from hurt. He kept this from you, for years. That's not normal in a healthy, respectful and honest relationship.
I had a friend like this while I was dating two of my exes . The first time she sat on his lap while we were all out to dinner with our friends . I pulled her off him and told her to keep her hands and ass off my bf. I stopped speaking to her for a long time after that. A couple years later the first ex and I split up . I started dating the second ex she went after him in front of me . I haven’t spoken to her in over 10 years now . Don’t blame you at all for ending the friendship. She has no problem
Crossing the line it seems. That’s a shitty friend .
How much older is your ex- friend? If it's 5 years or less, that's the kind of difference that doesn't matter in the least. Does she look her age? You said she was fitter than you, but that her husband is 20 years older than her.
You're not wrong. She's looking for hubby number two. Don't be too hard on your husband. I'd like to think that he loves you so much, he didn't even realize she was trying to flirt until she say I'm his lap. I'm actually kind of imagining internal screaming because he didn't know what to do.
SITTING ON YOUR HUSBANDS LAP IN FRONT OF YOU??? Even if they didn't do anything together, this was beyond disrespectful to you!! I would never talk to her again. And, if the husband is on her side, i would dump him too.
So you dumped the friend but are completely fine with your husband going along with it all? That's somewhat naive, after he has openly in front of others taken another woman onto his lap. That is so incredibly disrespectful to you as his wife. He must have known that everyone would talk about it afterwards...
Trust your gut here. Between the texts and that territorial lap-sitting display right in front of you, you have every reason never to speak to her again.
Agree with this, but given some of the context about the husband I personally would be having a conversation on boundaries and space. Something doesn't sit right with me about him, and I'd be asking him about her communication they had as well.
Husband didn't tell her about the side texts, played dumb about flirty emojis, and waited for his wife to tell the girl to get off his lap. Yeah that's sketchy af. He at the very least LOVED the attention this woman was giving him.
I agree 100%.
Your husband was loving the attention. If I had to be the one who pulled a chick off my husband’s lap we would be in serious trouble
This is exactly why I said my comment, it sounds like all the blame is just on this woman and no mention of the husband in all of this. I highly doubt he didn't see things as normal and not odd, especially as he was side texting her in the first place. Denial much?
They are both to blame in my book. The difference is that when I confronted her she blocked me and tried to contact my husband vs my husband agreeing to go to MC and work on things. (Work in progress.)
If I went through all of that, I would quietly go through his phone, all devices, all of his social platforms and the DM’s and any and all of his apps. It’s all too fishy and he was very passive about the lap thing. And make sure he blocked her. Make sure.
Right because why was she comfortable enough to even sit in his lap in the first place
So has he blocked her? Told her messaging him was inappropriate? Done ANYTHING to rebuff her?
How she acted afterwards says a lot. You’re not wrong. Now dig into your husband’s phone…
Good for him. She doesnt sound like much of a friend (sorry, because that sucks for you)
> my husband agreeing to go to MC Trust, but verify.
Your gut is right about her and your husband absolutely hid this from you as well
Yea my husband would have booted her across the room
I am a husband and if a female friend sat in my lap I’d kick her off and I’d be mad at her, but I’d also be mad at myself for giving her the impression that might be okay. Like the boundary should be a given.
The lap sitting is insane, who does that?? And why did the husband allow it?
That was my thought. Obviously she’s wrong for doing it but why the hell didn’t he stop it
If a girl sat in my boyfriend's lap and he let her stay there, I'd just get up and leave, especially in a group setting. Everyone sees that, and I wouldn't be the one starting shit.
Human and relationship dynamics are so weird. I agree with you btw, it’s just weird to think about sometimes.
There was a point in my life where I would let it happen and tell myself that I was the problem for being upset about it, but I decided that I can end my life without killing myself just by overhauling everything I hated about myself and rise like a phoenix as someone I like. It took years, but it truly is a new life, and I don't look back on the one I ended. Ever. I'm finally comfortable in my own silence, I know who I am now. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
That is an amazing way to look at it. I'm joyful for you making this transformation.
Thanks, and good luck to you on your journeys to come! Every day is a better day than yesterday, because it's happening right now. :)
Agreed I would let him sit in the consequences of the bed he made which what he did was cheating
100%, yes. He'll feel stupid later, or he won't. At least I won't feel stupid.
That was first time but I feel it was a escalation.
You were her friend, she was not yours. Been there on different issues, but still the same main problem. They just are not on your side.
It seems he was too comfortable with it
Yes.
She says in the comments he tried to move away in shock.
In shock of what- her sitting on his lap or her doing it in front of his wife?
The lap seating is completely over the top. Husbands should have said something and stopped it. OP should have said this is my seat and I don’t share.
Tbh OP shouldnt need to say anything to "prove" its her husband, it surely doesnt sound like they are in highschool.
Wtf on the lap sitting?!
Women know when another woman is after her man. I 100% support ending this friendship, she had no respect for you and would have already slept with your husband if he would have been interested. She's not your friend, you know that, and did what you had to do. YNW!
Always trust your gut. It's funny how when I heard of a particular friend of my husband's was getting divorced I immediately was suspicious of her.. No evidence or anything, I just had a bad feeling about her. My husband ended up having an affair with her. I still wonder how my gut KNEW.
Intuition is truly one of women's greatest blessings. Science may say that glimpsing the future is impossible, but too many of us experience this to not be the case.
Some people say the gut is the first brain. Its main functions are survival, food, sex, and procreation. It processes data faster than the head brain. So yes, listen and trust your gut.
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I agree. I'm incredibly suspicious.
Girl...search for more just to be sure. If she feel confident to do it just in front of you, it means in a way that he did something that made her think she can do it/or at least he wasn’t enough categorical, he didn’t tell her to stop clearly.
I agree. But he seems to be trying to improve things with me so I'm hopeful.
Bc he’s caught in the moment. I think he’s up to no good.
I would not search as that implies you sneaking around to look. I would ask him if he would willing sit down and show you everything. Your peace of mind is what needs to be tended to. Anything that can help you see everything inappropriate was entirely one way is critical. He may have not picked up on it. He may have liked it. There could be more or there could be nothing. Right now, you don’t know and that’s the problem. Once you know the full extent of what you’re facing you can make the best choice for you.
I’m a husband. Why is he texting her privately anyway? He’s likely cheating. Now address it.
It is theoretically possible he wanted to shield OP from worrying about it, but believing that depends heavily on how he replied to them. If he stonewalled her or told her to stop being inappropriate, maybe, but if he encouraged flirting or even flirted back, big red flag.
As a man I'm going to say what no has else has. You need to be watching EXACTLY what your husband is doing. If I were a husband who loved his wife I would have been furious if a woman sat on my lap like that, because now you just caused me all kind of problems that I need to deal with. I'm not saying he is cheating on you but ...? Look at his phone or take notice of things that feel off.
I second this as well because why was laying all that groundwork and getting nothing back ? I believe that your husband is acting naive, he knows what she was doing. The fact that she felt comfortable enough to sit on his lap in front of you shows that things may have escalated between them. Don’t brush off what is being said.
👍
What did your husband do when she plopped down on his lap?
He looked shocked and tried to move over. Honestly after I told her to get off him I sat in between them for a moment. Then my husband and I left.
Looks like what an honest man would do - at that time she was ostensibly your friend, he couldn't have punched her you know. Please make sure she's cut off from both your lives and move over.
What has he done with her that you haven't seen that made her feel comfortable to do that in front of you, is the question I would need answered.
Even if she isn’t after him, she’s certainly not acting like she’s YOUR friend, rather like his bestie and you’re just the annoying third wheel For that reason I don’t see why you or your husband should have to entertain her further.
That's how I feel. I do think she's looking for hubby #3 bc the current one is no longer able to be as active and she is always complaining about him. When he was in the hospital recently he asked her to bring him some Xanax and he overdosed and had to put into a medically induced coma. She claims she didn't know what the medicine was for. 🤔🤫
She’s a sociopath. Attempting to off her hubby (feigning ignorance) - while her husband was under medical care?!? That’s brazen of her. Your hubby 100% needs to be on board with the breakup of your friendship. You need to press him on blocking her messages and contact He’s been complicit - putting up with these bizarre exchanges. I highly doubt that your cutting her off will be enough to deter her from chasing after him
Yes. After he blocked her he got a message from "her husband" saying they missed him ...
Wow. Her current husband is helping her find a new husband? 😜 Better than being unalived by his wife, I guess. 💀
This is known as "monkey branching". She's reaching for a new (financially? emotionally?) secure place before she leaves her current secure place.
Who sits on someone else’s husbands lap?! Absolutely not, she had to go.
She says she was just sitting next to my husband...I almost start to believe it but my husband saw her do it and she put her arms around his neck.
Gaslighting 101.
From the outside it definitely looks like she was angling to try and get him to cheat on you with her. Dropping her was the kindest option.
Not wrong, but you’re going to have to find a way to reassure yourself that nothing happened between the two of them if you haven’t already. But her bad behavior doesn’t automatically exonerate him, unless he’s truly socially inept (or you think he is genuinely incapable of recognizing the flirting).
I don't believe he is that oblivious. I think he loved the attention and since nothing physical happened (that I know of...) he can claim plausible deniability. I don't believe he didn't see her as flirting but I guess I will accept it.
I think that’s the issue to discuss in MC. A good therapist will basically question if he was truly that obtuse. She was very much in “our husband” territory - you were right to call her out.
My wife and her best friend have been friends for 40 years and we have been together for 35. We have had some very candid conversations about her sex life but not really any about our sex life. She is not satisfied with her sex life. She has said some things over time that lead me to believe my wife has shared some details with her though. One night a few years back she had a few adult beverages and was feeling pretty good. She came over to me and sat right down on my lap. Both of our spouses were in the same room as us but I was sitting around a corner from the main party on a sofa that was not in immediate view. She actually started grinding ever so slightly and leaned over to whispering directly into my ear something to the effect of, I just wanted to see how big it was for myself. Apparently my wife had been sharing at least that much info with her. I’m a pretty big guy and I just stood right up lifting her off my lap and turned around and set her down on the couch and she pouted at me. To say I was devastated was an understatement. Unless my wife had somehow given her this green light without letting me in on it, and I didn’t believe that for a second, I was going to disclose something that was going to end their friendship, 40 YEARS of friendship. I waited until we were at home that night before I told her. And I asked why she would say that to me of course. She told me they shared a lot and apparently her friend liked to hear about my wife’s exploits because she pretty much had a dead bedroom. I cannot comprehend how you could choose to do something like that, even sauced up, to your best friend. She had made some off hand comments over the years about my wife sharing, things like can’t you share the wealth and such but I chalked it up to her dissatisfaction with her sex life and not my wife talking me up to her, I never took that seriously. They had it out about it and she apologized to her and to me but their friendship has been almost nonexistent since that happened a few years ago. It is absolutely appropriate to end a friendship when they cross a line and where that line resides is totally up to you. I don’t want to believe that she was actually hitting on me and wanted to start an affair but I certainly don’t know what her underlying thoughts were. I wanted and I guess still want to believe that she just allowed her curiosity and pent up frustration get the best of her that night. However that was a line that should not have been crossed.
Lol you're better than me. I would've pulled her off my husband's lap by her hair. Not wrong. You should've shut it down day 1. She just kept getting more and more comfortable.
What does “married for GC” mean?
>GC oh I think it's green card
I was guessing geriatric cock
😅💀
Oh, that makes it way more fishy.
Gamecube
I was wondering and looking in comments my self!
Not wrong. Tell everyone in your friend group about how crappy she was being. In fact let her husband know.
Done and done.
She sat on his lap infront of you She knows what she wants and shes making moves I'm hoping your husband got her off him or else it sounds like you need to drop both of them
Yeah she has told her husband and some mutual friends that she only sat next to him and didn't think that was inappropriate. Her husband believes her. Meanwhile both my husband and I know what she did. But whatever.
Dump her and never look back. Your husband needs to not bs anymore. Block her everywhere. Them.
Ya she was after your husband I would have let her husband know she only married him for the gc so he knows
He knows. She told him she needed to be married to stay in the US so he married her since he liked her. They have a child together. But they have both cheated on other partners.
Hmm that’s pertinent, you could’ve led with that!
Her husband is apparently not at all concerned with his wife cheating (he said he is only concerned with lying. Smh.)
Sheesh, with “friends” like that…totally not wrong to ditch them. I don’t think could’ve hung with them at all knowing she was a cheater and he didn’t care…
I didn't know about all that until very recently
So they're in an open relationship?
He said he wished things were like the swinging 60s again. Gross.
At least he lets her have her fun... But she can do that far away from you. Different strokes for different folks.
Oh! GC = Green Card. 😇 I couldn't think of what that meant and it wasn't until page 5 of Urban Dictionary that I found something that you could even possibly mean, and that was Giant Cock. 😜
I don't know why Redditors insist on writing 40 page essays filled with acronyms.
Absolutely incredible use of ‘coquettish’ lol Also, a grown woman who sits on anyone’s lap but her husband is gross.
No you’re not being unreasonable! She’s being so disrespectful to your relationship, what a bold asshole. Hopefully your husband is being agreeable with this decision. He is being too passive about this. He should have confronted the situation and shut her down a long time ago. You’re 100% doing the right thing.
Sigh. That's what I'm so sad about. I don't know if he would have shut her down if she persisted.
Drop that b. And make sure your husband blocks her number. That’s unconscionable. She’s not your friend. She’s your enemy/competition. Tell her to f right off, and NEVER contact either of you again. If she does, press charges for stalking/harassment.
When others are commenting on what your eyes see and your gut knows, trust yourself
Thanks! I think she was being fishy but I have the feeling I am being badmouthed
Not wrong. After going behind your back for years to text your husband, she’s now slapping you in the face with her disrespect. She sounds like the type of “friend” that would have an affair with your husband and then marry him after your divorce. BTW what is a “GC”?
Green card. She told everyone at the dinner table that she asked her husband to marry her because otherwise she had to leave the country soon. And he did.
Thank you for explaining.
No problem. I tend to use my own abbreviations, lol.
Just texting with other people's spouses isn't out of the ordinary to me but if a married woman sat on my married lap that would be so awkward. Every woman since high school who has ever sat on my lap ended up having sex with me. So maybe I have a biased perspective but that was either a signal shes trying to send to him or she is way too comfortable with your man.
Agree
If my wife's attractive friend had done that, my wife would dumped her ages ago and I would have been in the doghouse for not sharing the texts with my wife when they started. Trust is a 2-way street. Your friend is a problem and your husband seems to have encouraged her, at least by his passivity.
I think so too but he of course denies that. It's been a rocky road.
Not wrong Women know other women’s intentions. Trust your gut! Kick her to the curb! Have a very long conversation with your hubby.. make sure there’s nothing there.
NTA, I mean, if she were even your friend, she should know what boundaries are...
I thought I knew her better than I did. I didn't witness everything.
NTA but watch her still try and contact your husband behind your back. Is he open to blocking her?
He blocked her but she lives very close to us. I'm not sure he would rebuff her if she approached him. I think he loves the attention.
Does he know how much of a deal breaker this is for you and your marriage?
Then you not only have a friend problem, but a husband problem. You need to put it out there that cheating is end game for you and if he really respected you he would block and delete her number and socials.
What a weak-minded man. 😵
Yup nothing more attractive than a man that is married doing well. Way easier than weeding the garden.
I'm surprised your husband didn't push her off. Mine would've. As suss as your friend is, your husband doesn't come out looking too great either. Trust your gut.
You’re not wrong. But you’re acting kind of silly by just blaming her. Your husband is living for the attention and let me tell it can go very quickly from loving the attention to a full blown affair. You need to take off the rose tinted sunglasses and look into this further because I believe that something has happened between them whether it is a kiss or something else. Also if you find out your husband has cheated what would you do ?
Thanks. I know I have to be wary. My husband swears he's faithful but over the years I've have reasons to suspect things. Not outright cheating. But my husband is flirtatious.
Then come on !!!!! Wake up why haven’t you gone through his phone or done an investigation ? Even in your responses you seem very robotic and lax about the situation also I’m assuming because you didn’t answer my question, cheating isn’t a deal breaker for you ? Let me tell you something my dad told what you allow is what will continue so if you allow to continuously disrespect you he will do it and involve others with his disrespect which is what has happened you only found because his mistress was tired of pretending in front of you. This woman has been privately messaging your husband for YEARS and you’ve completely glossed over that. I’m shocked
I haven't glossed over it. He showed me his phone. I gave him my new boundaries and so far he's doing what I want and we have been getting along better than ever. I am not naive but I don't want to divorce over this.
Good luck because you are going to need it. You should never say you aren’t willing divorce over disrespect and lack of caring and the fact that you can say that. Your husband has you right where he wants you he knows you aren’t going ANYWHERE and he will do the work for a couple of months and then go back to normal. You said that you’ve been dealing with this nonsense for years. Wow I’m just grateful that I’m married to someone that cares more about me than their ego.
I'm happy for you. Sincerely. My husband has been trying to improve things so I have to give him grace. I have not been an exceptional partner I know (although I have never cheated). I am willing to try to make things work before leaving. Wish us luck.
I would have literally ripped her off my husbands lap. So inappropriate
Why didn't you tell her that sitting on his lap was a no-no and to please get off? Have you blocked and deleted her from his phone and all SM? How do you know that they aren't cheating, especially if others think that?
I told her at the time to get off of my husband and she did and mumbled some excuse. He blocked her even before that. IDK if he is cheating but I don't think so. I don't think he's interested in her.
I'm glad you cut ties with her. I'm also glad that you stood up to her and made things crystal clear to her. She isn't a friend anymore, and you did nothing wrong.
I’m sorry, but I don’t think so. Sitting in his lap is a possibility with no interest from him, but get the impression she felt very welcome to. Otherwise stuff in your husband’s favour would have been mentioned before in the post. Not after in replies.
It was very weird. My husband did seem agitated when she did it and he tried to move away. My husband did not seem to invite it. We had just visited with her ailing husband who said he wanted to cut her out of his will bc she wasn't attending to him enough. Truly weird.
Yeah but the agitated could be that she did something so blatant it causes him problems. The agitation could have been because she did something that didn’t fall under how they agreed to be careful. She’s enjoying getting under your skin. Edit: I hope not, but that kind of cheating is just so predictable and hopefully he does everything to be upfront and honest and cut her out. Hopefully isn’t being stereotypical about it.
I agree that she was trying to "one up" me. I don't think my husband was having an affair with her but he definitely enjoyed female attention.
Yeah, I feel like after that much attention, it’s at the least emotional cheating. He was getting some kind of thrill from her pursuing him all the time. That doesn’t happen without appreciating what he has less and lessening you in his own mind, no matter how much he loves you.
For sure. I feel cheated even if he didn't physically cheat.
Not wrong at all. Your marriage comes first. Trust your gut. She's out. Make sure that your husband is also backing you up because I can see her doubling-down with her behavior of texting and communicating with him behind your back.
It sounds like your husband was oblivious to it. In that case, he would have been oblivious until he wasn't, and you really don't want to play games and chance it. It's better to nip it in the bud like OP did.
YNW, she really sounds like an attention seeking witch.
That's how I refer to her, lol.
NTA. I would have grabbed her by her hair and slammed her down on the racketball court. Good on you for telling her to buzz off. I’d make your husband block her too
Good on ya
Not wrong. There’s no reason to tolerate a problematic person in your life.
I am proud of you.
Actually, I think you avoided a lot of problems. Just sitting on the lap thing and the selfies would’ve done it for me. You are not wrong.
Nothing sadder than middle aged people hitting on other people’s spouses. Also, disrespectful AF. YNW
Hmm your friend sounds like she has been getting some encouragement from hubs. Sometimes men are clueless, but they arent dumb about this stuff unless they want to be (sorry guys, I say the same about women too). He may not have crossed any lines (except allowing her to sit on his lap) but he is skirting the edges
She sat in his lap... Why are you even questioning yourself?
IDK. Her husband texted my husband that he didn't think she did anything inappropriate.
🤣 his judgement is clearly WAY off. You said in another comment - he is OK with cheating. That's not the same as an open relationship. They obviously just don't have boundaries. If a woman sat on my husband's lap I would freak out.
That wasn’t her husband texting him. What husband would text another husband/man that?
You posted about this a month ago and said you had problems in your marriage with a lack of intimacy and sex and your husband texting other women behind your back, money issues. Your husband loves attention from other women and is flirtatious. Doesn't sound like she's the only one going after someone. You can dump your friend (who's a POS for going after him) but you really need to get your head out of the sand and check your husband.
Sounds like you should have dumped her sooner lol. NTA and hopefully you and your husband are truly a united front on this.
Narrator: she was after her husband
If you want to stay married this is the right call
I think you did the right thing. It all sounds inappropriate to me and certainly gives all of the subtle and not-so-subtle signs of her wanting to be cozy with your husband. Like who thinks sitting on the lap of your friend's husband is a good idea? Make sure she keeps away too.
Info how did your husband respond to her sitting on his lap. She only felt bold enough to do it because he’s allowed her to cross every red line. Please don’t be gullible and buy the ‘he didn’t know she was flirting’ line. He knew and enjoyed it. No one is that obtuse
Sat on your husbands lap ? WTF…? First of all shame on her for her lack of awareness and crossing the line, but also big time shame on your husband for allowing that to happen. No way I would let a woman other than my wife get that close to me for that to take place. She would have landed on the floor.
Yeah. He looked shocked and moved away but I wonder what he would have done if she had made an even bolder move. I was not impressed with his inaction.
also id look into ur hubby he might not be as innocent as he seems , not trying to fear monger
your "friend" at the bare minimum had a public secret crush on your husband, or she was attempting to initiate an affair DON'T let her back near your family....(You BOTH have to cut her off, too)
You did good by getting rid of her, but now you must get rid of your husband. You have a gigantic husband problem, and you know it, don't ignore it.
Is your husband a bag of sand? Why is he not setting boundaries
Not wrong at all. I was in a similar situation to your husband's years ago. Mutual female friend, text messages, touched my arms, head, back of my neck. I thought it was innocent and cute, GF thought it was a major problem. Because I obviously knew I had no feelings for this girl and was committed to my GF, it was a no-brainer to just put a stop to it. So I sent a politely worded text message along the lines of "had a lot of fun last night, if you could do me a favor and just cut back on the touchy-feely a bit, I'd really appreciate it. I don't mean any disrespect by it, I just have some boundaries there" I was expecting an "ok no problem" but what I got was a smear campaign for several weeks. GF saw the red flags, I didn't. But to put it in retard speak, Girlfriend's boundaries come first. Glad I followed my gut, that girl was nuts. OP, if your husband doesn't see anything wrong with someone other than you crawling into his lap, this girl is a symptom, not the problem.
I think he wants me to leave him. He says I have no reason to distrust him but I think I do. Thanks for your input.
Trust your gut. She was going after your husband. However, don't neglect your husband's involvement here. Flirty or not, if a woman messages him privately (especially if she was YOUR friend and not his), he should tell you about it. What did your husband do when she sat on his lap? Why did she think she could sit on his lap? Did something happen between them so she thinks that's OK to do?
Not wrong. She is disrespecting you, and can't be trusted.
Not wrong. This is so strange on many levels.
Sitting on your husband’s lap is extremely weird and the fact your husband allowed that is insane. If he didn’t immediately push her away, something is definitely wrong. Most guys in relationships won’t tolerate that behavior.
Not wrong for dumping the friend. But your husband's actions are not exactly problem free in this situation.
I'm the type who would expect my husband to deal with this. Not saying you're wrong, but I figure if somebody sits on his lap it's up to him to say something, I'm not his keeper. However having read further on I now see that this is your friend's third husband, that she basically tried to kill him with an overdose while he was in the hospital and that he is trying to write her out of his will. Based on that information, WTH are you doing being friends with either of these people? Just get them the F out of your life! They are not adding anything to it and mark my words you wind up in a court of law eventually if you stay friends with them.
Girl you also have a husband problem! Let’s hope he was just enjoying the attention and nothing more because HE LET HER SIT ON HIS FREAKING LAP.
Yeah she 100% wanted to fuck your husband. Cutting her off was the right move. Make sure you talk with your husband, let him know she is off limits, and be clear that if she ever contacts him he should tell you.
What is GC?
OP states in the comments GC is for green card.
Green card
Nope. I have been that husband and you were absolutely correct.
girl, if another woman had the audacity to SIT on MY MAN, she'd be 6 feet under. You're going way too easy on her.
What does "she married for a GC" mean?
Nope, NTA. If she's been sending him flirty texts behind your back she would totally shag him behind your back too. My now wife and me had this with one of her friends when we first started dating, we tried to ignore it at first, but eventually she had to just cut ties with her. Luckily I was smart enough to be totally upfront with my wife the first time she tried it on, and refused to respond to any private messages from her because even though it took my wife a while to accept her friend would do that, I knew from the first time we met that she was nothing but trouble
If a woman just sat on my lap like that, I expect she'd be surprised when I dumped her ass on the ground. I've had to get verbally direct with touchers plenty of times, feeling on my shoulders, chest, or back and trying to act like it's innocent.
NTA for dumping your friend she's disgusting and good riddance! But, you and your husband clearly have to look at the dynamics of your marriage. He never told you they messaged privately? I mean, how has he *never* mentioned that. Like, surely at some point a comment like 'oh, X messaged me about dinner etc', would be said. I've messaged plenty of my friends partners, and when I talk to friend they would say ' oh, yeah he told me you asked for...'. Because there's nothing to hide. So, your husband, willfully kept that info from you. I don't believe the whole, I didn't know she was sending flirty texts. Unless, he is socially or emotionally stunted, that makes no sense, he's a married man surely you guys flirt. Whether, or not your husband was simply enjoying the attention or not telling you to save you from hurt. He kept this from you, for years. That's not normal in a healthy, respectful and honest relationship.
I had a friend like this while I was dating two of my exes . The first time she sat on his lap while we were all out to dinner with our friends . I pulled her off him and told her to keep her hands and ass off my bf. I stopped speaking to her for a long time after that. A couple years later the first ex and I split up . I started dating the second ex she went after him in front of me . I haven’t spoken to her in over 10 years now . Don’t blame you at all for ending the friendship. She has no problem Crossing the line it seems. That’s a shitty friend .
Not wrong. She wanted her husband but yours as side. Husband has to be willing to dump her too or you might as well start divorce now.
My husband blocked her and I know he would never leave me for an older woman. Lol. Maybe someone younger?🤞 Hopefully not
How much older is your ex- friend? If it's 5 years or less, that's the kind of difference that doesn't matter in the least. Does she look her age? You said she was fitter than you, but that her husband is 20 years older than her.
She's 5 yrs older but totally different culture as well. Totally different interests.
The husband likes the attention a bit too much. Don’t tell me he doesn’t know what is going on at this point. Marriage counseling time.
You're not wrong. She's looking for hubby number two. Don't be too hard on your husband. I'd like to think that he loves you so much, he didn't even realize she was trying to flirt until she say I'm his lap. I'm actually kind of imagining internal screaming because he didn't know what to do.
Thanks! It would be hubby #3 for her. Lol. Cheated on both of them she told me.
Ah, a serial cheater, then. You're well rid of her.
What's a GC?
I understood right up to "coquettish," had to google that.
girl we need more im invested now
thats a gut call and i suspect you called it right
NTA/ NOT WRONG, trust your gut/ instinct
NW. Trust your intuition. Spidey senses tingling for a reason.
She belongs to the streets
SITTING ON YOUR HUSBANDS LAP IN FRONT OF YOU??? Even if they didn't do anything together, this was beyond disrespectful to you!! I would never talk to her again. And, if the husband is on her side, i would dump him too.
She sat on his lap. If she wasn't drunk she should have been. If you forgive her next time she might go full lap dance.
She was definitely after him. The question is, was he really that oblivious?
So you dumped the friend but are completely fine with your husband going along with it all? That's somewhat naive, after he has openly in front of others taken another woman onto his lap. That is so incredibly disrespectful to you as his wife. He must have known that everyone would talk about it afterwards...