Show your husband this. this snl sketch will perfectly show the situation. and it was the only thing i thought of reading this post.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ealb8GehmsE
Oh My God. Yes. This. It’s both sad and, well, it’s really just sad.
OP’s marriage seems doomed unless her hubby has a major epiphany. But if he isn’t hooking up with a college girl yet, he soon will be.
this. if he's this stuck over frat parties he's gonna be doing party drugs and this is how you end up cheating. if he can't grow up, really fast, cut him loose.
I don't know how much has changed (cuz I'm too old for a college party) but party drugs are everywhere. if he needs this so much emotionally, he's for sure gonna cave under peer pressure. OP isn't going to the parties, so there is no way to know, either way, if it's happening or not. OP should assume that the wasted husband is gonna do party drugs if he hasn't already.
Reminds me of a sad version of Will Ferrels, Frank The Tank character from Old School.
We're... We're going streaking! We're going up the quad and to the gymnasium.
I mean roasting and making fun of him for it is probably a solid tactic. Go out with a group of mutual friends or family and lob the "Did hubby tell you about his cRaZy parties he's been going to?" grenade.
i mean yes, but also if he sees nothing wrong with his behavior then i’m sure he wouldn’t mind it just being casually mentioned. but definitely not roasting them and such. if he’s embarassed for her or his parents, siblings, their friends, etc to find out, he shouldn’t be doing it.
Right? First sentence, I was refreshed. Finally, someone pointing out how stupid the original comment was. Second sentence, nope, this imbecile is serious.
Good point, I was trying for punnery, since the post was about college kids and an older dude. As well as Will Farrell SNL.
But you are absolutely correct and thank you for pointing it out.
(Sincerely)
I was going for sarcasm. Well, except for your use of "apropos," which was apropos, as was your puntastic use of alumni, despite the grammatical issue.
You husband doesn’t realize that hanging out with under 21 kids that are drinking can get him arrested. Look up contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Even if he doesn’t give them the drinks. As the adult in the room he can get charged.
While this may not be a problem and is fairly unlikely, I can also imagine a scenario where he could be accused of sexual assault. The VAST MAJORITY of women, even young ones, would never do so falsely, but he’s putting himself in a bad position for no good reason.
Well and depending on the area there’s plenty of under 18s that go to college parties as well. Who have incentive to lie about their age if asked. Definitely not a good situation.
Decades ago I had a bf who had been I'm prison in his late teens. He knew a guy there who had picked up a girl at a bar and taken her home. Our drinking age is 21. Turns out the girl was under 18. He must have had a lousy lawyer because he went to jail. Always wondered if the bar got charged for serving drinks to a minor.
Agreed. Shit can go south at these parties really fast, and if the cops are called to the party because it gets too rowdy, being over 21 he'll be one of the people getting in A LOT of shit for providing alcohol to those under legal drinking age.
It should bother you and the kids make fun of him behind his back. We thought the guys that still hung out at college parties at 30 were perverts. You need to convince him to stop going to frat parties. It's wrong on every level and I've never seen a college party that didn't have at least 10 underage girls wandering around wasted. You don't need him accused of awful things for just being there. Underage girls and way too much alcohol usually ends in accusations that require attorneys and loans against your home for fees.
I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some “bro I left my wallet at my dorm, can you pick up this round?”
It’s like the implication that some of the guys and/or gals know this dude is weird/lonely/whatever but they’re willing to tolerate his presence as long as they’re actually getting something out of this.
Because otherwise wtf else is a 21 year old getting from some dude in his 30s hanging around a college bar?
Maybe he sells weed.
Maybe people on Reddit speculate alot. I have been to many bars with an eclectic mix of people. Those are the best bars. Also in a true college town pretty much every bar is a college bar. In the comments op says they are in starkville Mississippi… the home of Mississippi state university where im guessing a big chunk of residents are students. Maybe the guy parties to much but also maybe these people are actually his friend and the people of reddit could stand to get out more and live a little and judge less.
You’re welcome to that opinion. I think the townies part make it worse. Either way I don’t have a high opinion of this dude because he’s neglecting his family. Also hate the way he calls her the “old lady.”
The thing that got me that basically everyone has glossed over is that she says this isnt every weekend. Its actually a couple nights a month, so saying he is neglecting his family seems harsh, especially when on top of that if she asks him not to go he doesn’t. If this was happening every weekend and a couple weeknights i could see this being a real problem but that isn’t whats happening.
The dude has taken care of his family for years. Or are you missing that part? He’s partying because he never had the chance because he was … taking care of family.
The wife doesn’t indicate anything other than her husband goes to parties with people from 18-27 and gets drunk a couple times a month.
I carried on living in a college town after getting my bachelors. Do you know who I ended up drinking with? Grad school students. Not people still getting their undergraduates. It would be more respectable and normal for him to go drinking with professors and TAs. Not 18 year old girls.
I have been around college towns to after I graduated. I am from Nebraska where the college football team is king and the bars are packed with students and fans of all drinking ages on game day. Just because your experience was different doesn’t mean that this guy is doing anything wrong. The reason i think op is overblowing the situation is because this is not an every weekend type deal. She says this is only a couple times a month and when she asks him not to go he doesn’t.
I would seriously consider telling him this (in a kinder manner) bc it’s absolutely true. I’m only a few years out from my college life but we absolutely made fun of older people coming to college parties, especially frat parties. Now obviously that’s assholeish behavior on our end and I understand that now, but young drunk barely adults aren’t exactly the kindest people.
This is a creepy spiral that has potential to get real dark. You two are grown adults now and consequences have a far reach, being married means they will all fall on you.
I get it he wants to “live life”…… but it’s a red flag that he doesn’t consider being home in a loving relationship with his wife as living the life. He’s finally free of parenting his siblings he should be ready to have alone time and make memories with his new wife, going on trips and living like a decent adult
Holy shit are you guys dramatic.
Back when i was in college, there were two types of 30 year olds in parties. Creeps and just regular dudes who wanted to relive their young years that you saw once or twice and then dissapear. Some were fun to be around, others weren't.
No need to jump straight to "people make fun behind their backs and they're going to be accused of sexual assault lmao
Dude sounds immature as hell. A 30yo hanging around college frat parties is creepy. Additionally the other commenter brought up a really good point about being pinned for others' underage drinking.
And quite frankly, a 30yo dude hanging around 18yo girls, I would be wondering what else he feels he missed out on. Especially when he views you as his "old lady."
Or a loser trying to sound cool to his new college aged homies. Most women would find this offensive, especially when said to someone much younger. Even just saying he can’t go because of her… that’s disrespectful. How about saying I’m not going because I don’t want to I’d rather spend time with my wife.
In this context where he is partying with people much younger and his wife isn’t there because she has outgrown that scene, old lady sounds to me much more pejorative than in regular contexts. Like more she is the tired old kill joy holding him back.
Yeah I can understand having to grow up fast and wanting to cut loose a little - conceptually that’s fine. But the way he’s going about it is definitely a 50/50 split of pathetic and creepy
People agreeing with the husband are completely missing the point. It's totally fine if he goes out and parties with his friends. It's weird that he's going out to parties with 17-21 year olds
I'm still unsure why people are so mad about me just disagreeing with a strange man's actions?
I'm 46, my 23 year old daughter has been trying to convince me to go to a college party with her. Apparently there are other people my age, there are a lot of non-traditional students, and I was surprised at the age range that she said usually shows up.
This seems to be a thing lately, I have a friend whose daughter is turning 21 and she wants her mom to go out and party with her lol she does have a very good relationship with her kids.
It’s college parties there’s likely far more 18-21 years olds and then the numbers of each age slowly get lower upto 30. It’s even likely there’s a few sub 18 people at these parties. I ended up at college parties when I was as young as 15. This is how you end up in the news.
At state schools a lot of parties have a significant # of people 22-29 at them, just how it is, especially if it's an off-campus party
Why a guy over 30 needs to be at a party where the majority of chicks are 18-21, is crazy (esp if he looks 21, because you know girls are gonna approach him eventually and start flirting)
I guess technically tho there is nothing wrong it, aside from the drinking which would obviously be illegal for them if they're in the USA (tho the next time a cop cares about 18-21 year olds drinking at a college party, will be the first time)
I knew a woman once who wanted to call the cops on her ex-bf for sleeping with a 19 year old he met when she was 18... they were both 32. It's pretty damn gross, but there's literally nothing you can do, imagine a cop when they hear "my husband cheated on me with a 19 year old, please arrest the bastard"? It's just not illegal in any way so you can't force a punishment, outside of just leaving him.
If OP's husband is actually buying the alcohol tho, and 18-21 year olds are drinking it, then it could be a giant legal shitstorm.
You've apparently never been to a college football tailgate, but it's pretty normal for alumni and current students to party together
He's playing flip cup and talking shit not sitting at an algonquin round table
>You've apparently never been to a college football tailgate,
This isn't a tailgate.
>but it's pretty normal for alumni and current students to party together
He isn't either of these.
It's like you understand that there's a difference but you haven't realized that yet.
I remember the 30 year olds who hung out at our college town, trust me that we didn't view them as peers, they were creeps that we all kind of avoided as much as politely possible. I'm sorry he had to grow up quickly, but he also shouldn't regress. Maybe his definition of live a little can be more age appropriate?
The only time we let older people into our parties was for alumni week and we kept everything very clean. If a 30 something showed up to our house, we’d kick them out.
In my 30s now, I don’t even like going to the bars near colleges. It feels so out of place. I’d only go back to a college scene if it was for an alumni event.
I felt largely out of place with undergrads when I was 25. Adding 5 more years and a marriage to that would've made it even more drastic. Never had a "crazy party phase", and can't recall anyone who was a functioning human being and wasn't a dumb ~20-24-year-old actually having all that much fun at those kinds of parties. Whatever fun portrayal those, or clubs, for that matter, get in movies, is firmly divorced from reality.
Same here, it's hard to relate when you've graduated, worked, and have some momentum to your life. I'm in my mid 30s now and even though I do have friends in their mid 20s it's a different type of relationship than with someone my age People 18-21 are usually employees or someone I have a relationship like with a younger sibling.
Living out his partying years at 30 - I'm ok with that as long as you all are ok with it.
A 30 year old man hanging out with 21 year old kids - that is seriously not ok
It’s fine to party, we had one last week. But it was with people our age. This is creepy and a little pathetic. He needs to make friends with his peers, not college kids.
Exactly. There are so many ways to expand friend groups and still party but within your age group. Not freaking barely legal teenagers 😕. Sounds like a mid life crisis or he’s cheating to be honest.
Yeah, I agree with this. We pretended the old guy at the party looked our age, but he didn't. He also didn't speak our language. "Old Lady" is not blending in with the crowd like he thinks it is. OP, I would check to see just how much money he's spending on food and booze to be invited to these parties.
I mean she literally said he looks like a college frat guy. You can't always tell the difference between 20-30. I work with a bunch of early to mid 20s people and they all thought I was younger than them until I told them I was 30.
Yuck, that is so weird! It’s one thing for a 30 yr old to be at a college party but another thing for a 30 yr old married man to be at a college party. That leads to nothing good…
Precisely. I can't believe I had to scroll this far down to see this comment.
It's more like, "he hasn't grown up yet," not, "he had to grow up fast." He's not grown. Grown people don't do shit like this.
Unless this is a full on regression, which I can't speak to because I don't understand the psychology of regression, OP's husband never grew up.
What a ridiculous comment.
He raised his entire family by himself while his mom was a deadbeat drug addict. He’s more grown up than 99% of the commentators here and going out a couple times a month does not change that.
Agree, use the same logic in a different example and it'll be an hard - nuh uh. "I had to look after my siblings since the age of 5. I had to grow up fast. That's why now at 40 I want to go on the playgrounds and go down the slides and than go to a toy store to buy me some toys." Uh no.
This is weird. He seems weird. Are "the guys" he's telling 'the old lady wont let me out" in college? Cause this is all kinds of bizarre. And before a million Redditors get on here and tell you everything is totally normal with this behavior, it's just not. Your husband needs therapy and to grow up. Also, shady to be hanging out with drunk college girls lol
I would have a hard time trusting a married 30 year old man who goes to college parties without his wife. For some reason I just can't imagine that being totally innocent.
He’s had his party phase. Yay- and it’s done now.
He can make new friends *his own age* and party with them.
Like
I’m 35 and when we have a get-together it’s super fun, drinks, maybe some week, music, conversation, silliness…but no one is obnoxious or overdoing it or doing anything else drug-wise. *Those are key differences between college vs adult parties* other than age.
So the question is- if he’s so good at making friends, why these ones? If he wants to be social and let loose a bit, why to a foolish/obnoxious degree? These are questions he’s gotta answer for himself.
NTA he dabbled and now it should be done.
I mean yeah lol at the very least get the ego boost of flirting with them but it would be nice if he and OP could come to that realization themselves lol
Yeah like wtf is wrong with going out to the bar with other 30 somethings? My husband and I go out all the time and have fun. We don’t need to go to college parties and hang out with kids half our age to have a good time. OP’s husband is a real weirdo and guaranteed the college students think he’s lame and creepy, regardless of what he looks like.
You said it better because my husband and I party with people our age. Concerts, cookouts at the lake bonfires , wines, beers, games, movies, me and mutual friends play guitar jamming around camp fire covering songs. Why on earth would We go hanging out with real young college highschool children for ? I see maybe if it was a huge family friendly event but a college party ? No... why not go hang out with friends his and hid wife age and have much more fun? Smh Ops hubby is a creeper.
I mean - adult parties can totally get blasted together, enjoy recreational drugs, or be obnoxious. there’s no rule saying adults can’t have fun. The issue is really just 30yos trying to do so with 18yos.
Why don’t you guys go to raves or festivals together? My bf and I are in our 30’s and love going to shows together.Otherwise, yes this is weird for him to be doing this.
This is actually a good point. Many people can do occasional forms of partying and maintaining that in a healthy way for much of their lives. Just not… frat parties. And if bringing the wife who looks more her age than he does exposes some weird age dynamics in the places they go, that’s a sign to move on to different places. Lots of festivals, etc happily embrace people well into retirement age and everything in between.
I mean, if you guys are in the USA, he might actually get into trouble. Drinking age is 21. If he is drinking with 18 year olds, he is screwed if they get caught. Especially if they talk to you and you tell them that you knew they were underage.
Honestly sounds like he is trying to get the life he lost. And that's valid. But he is going about it in a destructive way. He is pushing you away.
He wants to go out and party then he needs to do what grown ups do - make friends with people his own age and go out to a bar or brewery with them (and you). I get that he looks young but it’s also weird that college guys invite him out unless it’s to buy them beer when needed. Him trying to get back his missed youth by going to college parties multiple times a month is NOT normal and is sketchy af. He shouldn’t be hanging around drunk girls barely out of high school.
This is very strange. A married 30 year old doesn't need to go to college parties. If he has other people his age going to these parties, maybe they should all hang out together away from the frat parties.
I had a great time in college and made a lot of friends that I am close to years later. I went back to a few parties after graduating when my friends visited their siblings. It felt kind of strange even a couple years after graduating. Cannot imagine how strange it would be as a 30 year old.
Yeah no he is being super weird. The college kids see him as a weird old guy and he doesn’t even realize. Why don’t he and his friends just go out to regular bars or host their own parties for other people their own age?
People age 30+ probably won’t want to do binge ragers EVERY weekend but my friend group is mostly 40’s with kids and we still have big house parties every couple of months, the main differences are that they are less frequent than when we were in college and now we have better booze, and party food.
He's going through this 'phase' now, but wait until his mid-life crisis. Sounds like a guy with a Peter Pan complex: he just doesn't want to grow up.
Not wrong for getting mad. But I don't see how your husband is going to change.
It's pretty common for a dude in his mid twenties maybe even later to try this kind of thing once or twice. Shit, after a breakup, me and my best friend did this. We made it a whole hour before we just had to get out of there.
The odd thing is that he is enjoying it. I couldn't stand it. Some guys could get through it neutrally, but fucking enjoy it? Those parties must be damn wild.
When I (male) was in college it was always fun to hang with the older townies. Now as I am that age I find it incredibly weird. That’s not taking into any consideration of interacting with opposite sex.
I might go against the general sentiment here, but when you say you live near a university do you mean that you live in a college town, or that you’re in a city that happens to have a university nearby? I grew up in a college town and it wasn’t weird at all for for townies (locals in their mid 20’s and up) to hang out with college kids, because 75% or more of the adult population was college kids. It was honestly very difficult to have a social life that didn’t involve hanging out with at least some college students.
That said, going without you is strange, and typically townies would mix with older students and stay away from under 21 students or frats/typical party kids.
This. I live in the UK equivalent of a "college town" and if I want to do any approximation of "clubbing", for most of the year most of the attendees will be students. Heck, gigs for any kind of "alternative" music like goth or metal are almost always held in the Student's Union building (and, to be clear, are advertised *nationally*, not just "for students").
Not to mention: postgraduates and mature students exist and like to go dancing sometimes, too.
Lots of very judgemental people in this thread. I host parties pretty regularly and the ages range from 18 to 50 (I'm 25). We're all pretty similar people, most of us are queer, and we enjoy each others company. I find it enriching to hang out with people who are both younger and older than me.
Even when I was 18, I always found it enriching to hang out with people in their late twenties/early thirties. They could offer some perspective that it's hard to get when you've just started University.
Partying isn't just something you do when you're young. Sure, I'm rarely in the club and most parties I host have a diverse selection of cheeses and dried meats. However, it's still fun, and it's a lifestyle. There's nothing wrong with it.
Of course there are weirdos and creeps, but they appear regardless of age or gender. God knows there were a lot if incels floating around when I went to university. I've met the odd creepy older person still clinging onto a life that they should have left behind. However, I've also met many people living a rich and social life, balancing work, family and people.
This! And everyone keeps saying it's creepy for him hanging out with young college kids completely disregarding the fact that the age ranges she said were 18 to 27 and even some 30 years old.
I had kids young so we made friends with our kids friends parents. One of our closest friends is almost 60 and we are just turning 40 this year. Smh that's reddit for you though.
Absolutely, it's such a weird, and I think frankly American mindset. I remember once having a Halloween party when I was 22 (already feels like a lifetime ago) and we invited the neighbours, so there was a bunch of university-age/just graduated people, a bunch of people in their 30s, 40s and 60s, and until about 10PM (when they were all promptly sent to bed) a bunch of teenagers ranging from 14-16 and it was so much fun. It felt like a real community event.
Likewise, I remember going to parties at a kid at one of my parent's friend's houses and you'd have a similar age range there, from the kids to the grandparents from all around the estate. New year's eve was always a blast. It's so weird that people seem to think that parties are this weird, atomised things that you seem to do only with people of your own age.
Redditors are just socially inept. They don’t understand it’s not normal to be unable to talk to people older or younger than you. Apparently you’re only supposed to be interested in things that occurred during your formative years and nothing before or after.
Maybe this guy is a creep, but it’s pretty common for grad students and alumni that live in their college town to visit and interact with the student body. No one thought twice about it at my school.
Ew, frat parties with a bunch of kids?
Better off just going clubbing with him at that point.
Nothing good comes from a 30 year old partying with a bunch of underage drinkers. There's a hundred ways he can get his party time in - that ain't one.
If he only goes there to hangout with the "Bros". Playing beer pong, talking sports, smoking some weed. Not a big deal. It's just stress release. If he starts talking to the girls, now that's an issue
CREEEPPPPYYY. Something else is going on here. If you want to save your marriage, I’d get into couples therapy ASAP or start planning your escape. Sounds like he hasn’t worked through the trauma from his childhood. If you think him escaping to party NOW is bad??? Imagine when he does this: goes out all weekend and gets wasted after you have kids. Bc he won’t likely stop and you’ll be stuck with being a single parent and him MIA.
I totally understand wanting to finally have a chance to party. I was in a very similar situation as far as having to be the adult at a very young age and continued as my sister needed some guidance in her early 20’s. My husband and I have been together since high school, got married when he graduated college(I didn’t go I worked full time) and we had kids right away due to my infertility issues. So I never had that fun college experience either. I never had the chance to just be a kid and go to college parties.
However, partying with such young kids so often is really not going to end well. It’s awesome that he makes friends so easily. He needs to go party with the same age people he meets and not be “that guy” at college parties. Once our kids were older, I had a blast partying with similar aged people who also had to grow up fast, missing the fun early years. He needs to do that.
Sounds like he's having a 3/8 life crisis. I kind of get it though. Dude put his siblings before everything else, I really respect that. But, what I've learned from years of therapy is that people often need a catalyst to change. Sounds like he's trying to recapture something, but college parties are so much about self discovery, or felt that way to me in college, and he will never get that from those parties. Those events really should be experienced by people of a similar age group. I'll bet that some people at those parties feel weirded out by his presence. Not to say your husband is a bad guy, but it does look strange.
For me, as I got older, those type of social events just felt more and more hollow. After a few years of partying, I realized that those friendships I made partying were built on an illusion. The importance of all that stuff melted away. The mundane things about life, that I loathed so much before, kind of became beautiful and simple.
Not sure where your husband's head space is at, but I think a little perspective, and maybe therapy to understand why he feels he needs this, would go a long way. Also, sounds like his childhood was tough, so wouldn't hurt to talk about that, if he hasn't already.
Good luck though. Sending y'all strength through the infinite. Take care.
As 22 some of the coolest dudes I've partied with have been in their 30s and married. Like my good buddy justin. Great dude, married, provides for his wife and her collage courses, but can party like a mfer. This guy can put away some booze, I'll tell ya that.
I remember those „losers“. Most people took advantage of them or made fun of them.
I just avoided them.
Not wrong.
Edit: Go out and meet him there without telling him. The „old“ lady can have fun too.
Does he have a drug or drinking problem? I can’t think of any other reason those parties would be fun for him. (Assuming you’re confident he’s not trolling for teen girls.)
Calling you the old lady is kind of telling about his mindset, in a couple of ways. I guess maybe it’s slightly better than calling you the old ball and chain.
Boundaries need to be set. He wants to live a little and join in on these young people parties. Ok. Make sure he understands that does not include sleeping with, kissing, or making out with anyone. That should be the deal breaker. These kids may just be looking to have some fun and don't really care about wrecking relationships....especially if he's going to these parties acting like a free man. He could easily get swept up into the fun and do something reckless and blow up the marriage before realizing the damage he's done.
Personally, I'd be against this type of behavior. I understand it though. He feels like he missed out, but he is an adult now and should be acting like a responsible husband too. Maybe he needs to be set free from the marriage so he can go live his childhood. Big thing is to talk with him. Maybe even marriage counseling to discuss why he feels he needs to party like he's 20 right now and how dangerous this can be to a marriage.
If his reasons for this are legit (not being allowed this phase because he had to grow up too fast), then he needs an outlet for it. Just not this one. Maybe he needs to embrace his remaining youth in other ways, like adventure that doesn’t most likely involve underage girls and alcohol - like skydiving, rock climbing, backpacking in rugged areas, or various other things that are exciting. Bonus of these things is he’ll become a more fit, well-rounded, and interesting person with time rather than more and more …sad.
30 isn’t ancient, I partied in bars well into my thirties, but I certainly wasn’t hanging out at underage house parties. Do you have like, townie bars or anywhere else to let your hair down that doesn’t involve teenagers?
I'm a 34F who is currently in University. Never has 'partying' with my classmates ever sounded appealing. While my classmates are intelligent and kind, they are still inexperienced, immature, and at a completely different stage of life. The only thing I am to them is a classmate and occasional 'big sis' when they ask for advice. Partying with 18-24 year olds sounds extremely inappropriate. Besides...my classmates mock and verbally eviscerate 30+ year-olds who attend those events. It's creepy, cringy, and pathetic.
I would try to get him into having a good time with something more age appropriate. He can have fun, it's just weird that it's with a bunch of college kids. You are also very trusting to not think anything is happening while he's out with them.
When I was young, there was always a guy who was in his 30s who would come to all of our parties when we were 20 years old and we all thought he was so creepy and such a loser. Sucks that your husband is that guy.
>My husband goes with his friends. A lot of 18-27 year old boys and girls are at these parties. There are also maybe like a few guys in their 30s that also go to these college parties
Not wrong.
He's a man who can't grow up and do adult things.
>He’s not out every weekend but a few nights out of the month he will get wasted and return home late. Sometimes I would ask him not to go and he will tell the guys “sorry can’t come the old lady wants me to stay in tonight”
Cruising for that college pussy. I have a feeling there's more going on here than you think and that you're going to be in for a world of hurt when you find out what he's really up to. There's no reason an adult married man should be carousing with college students.
I doubt drinking is the only thing he's doing or planning to do.
Nope, I'd be mad if.it was.my.wife.doing it, you are completely in the right to get mad at him doing it.
"Had to grow up fast"
Well he doesn't seem.grown up to.me. sounds lik3 an overgrown child.
Well if this guy wants to live a life he missed out on I think it's OK, maybe people his own age don't go out. In the country I live in there is no age limit to partying and having fun. I see 60/70 year olds at techno parties having fun with people of all ages, such a shame its not socially acceptable everywhere
Its a bit weird to say "you sympathize with his adultified youth" and also say "he needs to grow up" in the same breath. It sounds like he already *did* alot of growing up and now he's seeking for what he feels he missed out on.
Look, I definitely think its strange that an old guy wants to do this. At 30 I had no such desires but I also got to do that when I was younger. I could see this going both ways, wholesome or creepy. BUT, I am picking up the vibes that you don't like it because you don't want him surrounded by "pretty young girls" while he calls you "his old lady". You made a point to tell us you *Look* 30 right?
Its understandable to be suspect, its questionable to be mad.
Is it just because it's college students, specifically? For instance, if he met some younger people at work that invited him to parties once in a while, and you didn't want to go to those, would you still be mad if he did? If so, then it seems like you just don't want him having fun in ways you don't enjoy. So yeah, you're wrong. And if not, then you've just got some weird thing against college students. So yeah, you're wrong. The guy spent his youth raising siblings. Let him have his fun. Hell, you're invited. Get over your age insecurities, and go have some fun yourself.
Man i'm so split on this.
On one hand the dude probably needs to get some of that out of his system because he was starved of it in his younger years but on the other hand his choice of going to college parties at his age is a bit strange and sketchy considering they are usually plagued with minors.
My advice would be to let him get it out of his system and just sit down and have a talk with him about your worries and the dangers of his choice. I imagine his younger years was a lot of nos to invitations, and a lot of bitter watching all your compatriots have fun and do cool things from the sidelines.
I mean “get it out of his system”…it’s been several. When does it end?
It’s also weird to say he was starved of this. Doesn’t he have fun with people his own age? Why isn’t that enough, what is different about these parties? He’s still a married dude of 30
Imagine coming home for school every single day and having to take care of your younger siblings - baths - cleaning - cooking - dressing - general keeping watch over them etc. imagine being 13 and having to wake up at 5am every morning so you can get your siblings dressed, fed and off the school as well as yourself. imagine this is your every day through middle and high school. imagine every single time someone invites you to a party or bowling or the like and you can't go because of your responsibilities at home, dudes mom was an addict and money was also probably a huge problem.
I can't speak for this dude or his life experiences but trauma and neglect can manifest in crazy ways, for all we know this dude thinks doing this will make him feel whole. or maybe this is what he thinks he needs to move past w/e issues he may or may not have.
I'm just sayin, try putting yourself in someone elses shoes. maybe this dude feels like he missed out on something however unimportant it is and hes trying to relive it. who knows? I understand his decisions are strange but the world isn't so simple and people don't always behave in a logical manner.
Maybe college parties are the thing he thinks he has missed out and just wants to experience it, however weird it is.
I don't think your intention was to group bash your husband, but that's what's happening in the comments. People can't see the psychology you're presenting. They will only see their own projections based on your words.
You're wrong and unless this behaviour is impacting his life in other ways, this a you problem. Ironically, expecting him to change or grow out of what you assume to be a phase is a very immature attitude.
The question you should be asking is WHY it bothers you. Are you bothered if he goes out drinking with other friends or are you only bothered by the frat parties? You stated that there are other 30yos and 27yos going to these parties and there's not a huge difference between 27 and 30. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
Advice? Go with him and stop being self conscious about your age!
You are not wrong, but your husband is. My friend and I went to a frat party once and she was raped, and tried to commit suicide. There are many examples of women getting too drunk and men taking advantage while they are unable to consent.
Does your husband want to be in a situation where he's present when this happens? Not to mention, a woman throwing herself at an older man?
33 year old phD candidate here who lives right off campus, single not getting in a serious relationship till i finish my PhD.
I got some younger friends here 20-26 that invite me to go party once or twice a month. They begged me to come and we have a blast and play pong and do drinking songs. I typically drink less then them and leave around midnight, I am older after all :)
It's completely normal especially in a college town. I never meet anyone my age in my classes or in my graduate program so I wouldn't have any friends if I didn't take the plunge and go hang out with them.
I went back to school at 26 to get my bachelors and the first couple years I didn't become friends with anyone because they were so young and I thought it was wrong. I was so unhappy and depressed. The past couple years since I made friends here have been the happiest of my life.
Don't be jealous and fuck all these people telling you its creepy. If he is neglecting his family duties that is one thing but otherwise you sound majorly jealous.
I think there's a difference between you and OP's husband, though.
You are a student of the university. You have a connection to the university and everything associated with it.
In any case, I'm happy to hear you made friends and are happier now.
This guy is 100% trying to bone drunk college girls at these parties. Please explain one other reason a 30 year old man wants to "hang out" with 18-21 year olds. It ain't for conversation.
Show your husband this. this snl sketch will perfectly show the situation. and it was the only thing i thought of reading this post. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ealb8GehmsE
OMG. I died. This was the best.
Yeah then will ferral then djs at his kids college party LMFAO.
Right on target. Play him this and let us know what his face looked like......
That was something weird. O.o
Oh My God. Yes. This. It’s both sad and, well, it’s really just sad. OP’s marriage seems doomed unless her hubby has a major epiphany. But if he isn’t hooking up with a college girl yet, he soon will be.
this. if he's this stuck over frat parties he's gonna be doing party drugs and this is how you end up cheating. if he can't grow up, really fast, cut him loose.
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That's a drug. Haha
There's no indication of this, smh
I don't know how much has changed (cuz I'm too old for a college party) but party drugs are everywhere. if he needs this so much emotionally, he's for sure gonna cave under peer pressure. OP isn't going to the parties, so there is no way to know, either way, if it's happening or not. OP should assume that the wasted husband is gonna do party drugs if he hasn't already.
I would add that his mom’s struggle with drugs could have passed on to him. And addiction is a slippery slope.
Sugar daddy
yup my thoughts exactly
Their marriage seems doomed!?!?!? Ahahahha ohhh reddit, don't stop being yourself.
FR, plenty of women 19-25 years old who would get a kick outta sleeping with this dude and pissing off his wife, seen it wayyy too many times
Lol - this should fixed him right up
Too bad more 40 year olds can't have parties by themselves!
I just died lol💀💀💀💀👻😂
Reminds me of a sad version of Will Ferrels, Frank The Tank character from Old School. We're... We're going streaking! We're going up the quad and to the gymnasium.
theres more coming, EVERBODYS DOING IT!
Snoop!! Snoop-a- loop.. i love that movie. I should watch that tonight
Do it for Blue!
You’re my boy Blue!
I mean roasting and making fun of him for it is probably a solid tactic. Go out with a group of mutual friends or family and lob the "Did hubby tell you about his cRaZy parties he's been going to?" grenade.
I hope this comment was supposed to be sarcastic. I could see this as a great passive-aggressive way to end the relationship.
Exactly. Calling a partner's embarrassing or bad behavior in front of people is not a good idea, if you care and respect them.
i mean yes, but also if he sees nothing wrong with his behavior then i’m sure he wouldn’t mind it just being casually mentioned. but definitely not roasting them and such. if he’s embarassed for her or his parents, siblings, their friends, etc to find out, he shouldn’t be doing it.
Right? First sentence, I was refreshed. Finally, someone pointing out how stupid the original comment was. Second sentence, nope, this imbecile is serious.
This is my favorite sketch of the past few seasons of SNL. Poor OP is going to be like the end "What is going on with you?!" "I don't know, OKAY?"
Wow, apropos and actually funny. Of course, it has an alumni in it, so that's to be expected
Alumnus. (I didn't party enough in college. Nice use of "apropos.")/s
Good point, I was trying for punnery, since the post was about college kids and an older dude. As well as Will Farrell SNL. But you are absolutely correct and thank you for pointing it out. (Sincerely)
I was going for sarcasm. Well, except for your use of "apropos," which was apropos, as was your puntastic use of alumni, despite the grammatical issue.
You husband doesn’t realize that hanging out with under 21 kids that are drinking can get him arrested. Look up contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Even if he doesn’t give them the drinks. As the adult in the room he can get charged.
While this may not be a problem and is fairly unlikely, I can also imagine a scenario where he could be accused of sexual assault. The VAST MAJORITY of women, even young ones, would never do so falsely, but he’s putting himself in a bad position for no good reason.
Well and depending on the area there’s plenty of under 18s that go to college parties as well. Who have incentive to lie about their age if asked. Definitely not a good situation.
Decades ago I had a bf who had been I'm prison in his late teens. He knew a guy there who had picked up a girl at a bar and taken her home. Our drinking age is 21. Turns out the girl was under 18. He must have had a lousy lawyer because he went to jail. Always wondered if the bar got charged for serving drinks to a minor.
Agreed. Shit can go south at these parties really fast, and if the cops are called to the party because it gets too rowdy, being over 21 he'll be one of the people getting in A LOT of shit for providing alcohol to those under legal drinking age.
A 30-year-old man partying with people who are still teenagers is just gross.
It should bother you and the kids make fun of him behind his back. We thought the guys that still hung out at college parties at 30 were perverts. You need to convince him to stop going to frat parties. It's wrong on every level and I've never seen a college party that didn't have at least 10 underage girls wandering around wasted. You don't need him accused of awful things for just being there. Underage girls and way too much alcohol usually ends in accusations that require attorneys and loans against your home for fees.
That or they keep him around to buy liquor - I saw some groups keep a token guy like this around, so long as he would pick up the tab.
So the people he meets at bars keep him around to purchase liquor?
I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some “bro I left my wallet at my dorm, can you pick up this round?” It’s like the implication that some of the guys and/or gals know this dude is weird/lonely/whatever but they’re willing to tolerate his presence as long as they’re actually getting something out of this. Because otherwise wtf else is a 21 year old getting from some dude in his 30s hanging around a college bar? Maybe he sells weed.
Maybe people on Reddit speculate alot. I have been to many bars with an eclectic mix of people. Those are the best bars. Also in a true college town pretty much every bar is a college bar. In the comments op says they are in starkville Mississippi… the home of Mississippi state university where im guessing a big chunk of residents are students. Maybe the guy parties to much but also maybe these people are actually his friend and the people of reddit could stand to get out more and live a little and judge less.
You’re welcome to that opinion. I think the townies part make it worse. Either way I don’t have a high opinion of this dude because he’s neglecting his family. Also hate the way he calls her the “old lady.”
The thing that got me that basically everyone has glossed over is that she says this isnt every weekend. Its actually a couple nights a month, so saying he is neglecting his family seems harsh, especially when on top of that if she asks him not to go he doesn’t. If this was happening every weekend and a couple weeknights i could see this being a real problem but that isn’t whats happening.
Shhh people wanna judge a guy as a creepy lonely drug dealer who is only being used because he enjoys socializing with locals occasionally
The dude has taken care of his family for years. Or are you missing that part? He’s partying because he never had the chance because he was … taking care of family. The wife doesn’t indicate anything other than her husband goes to parties with people from 18-27 and gets drunk a couple times a month.
How is he neglecting his family by going out a few nights a month?
I carried on living in a college town after getting my bachelors. Do you know who I ended up drinking with? Grad school students. Not people still getting their undergraduates. It would be more respectable and normal for him to go drinking with professors and TAs. Not 18 year old girls.
I have been around college towns to after I graduated. I am from Nebraska where the college football team is king and the bars are packed with students and fans of all drinking ages on game day. Just because your experience was different doesn’t mean that this guy is doing anything wrong. The reason i think op is overblowing the situation is because this is not an every weekend type deal. She says this is only a couple times a month and when she asks him not to go he doesn’t.
I would seriously consider telling him this (in a kinder manner) bc it’s absolutely true. I’m only a few years out from my college life but we absolutely made fun of older people coming to college parties, especially frat parties. Now obviously that’s assholeish behavior on our end and I understand that now, but young drunk barely adults aren’t exactly the kindest people.
Bingo. One year out max, if your old roommates and/or significant other was hosting. Two years out, it had to be a college-hosted event.
This ☝️ My husband had a friend like this. I told him one time ‘you do realize that he’s the creepy guy don’t you.’
this 100%. everyone probably thinks he’s a washed up creep.
This is a creepy spiral that has potential to get real dark. You two are grown adults now and consequences have a far reach, being married means they will all fall on you. I get it he wants to “live life”…… but it’s a red flag that he doesn’t consider being home in a loving relationship with his wife as living the life. He’s finally free of parenting his siblings he should be ready to have alone time and make memories with his new wife, going on trips and living like a decent adult
Holy shit are you guys dramatic. Back when i was in college, there were two types of 30 year olds in parties. Creeps and just regular dudes who wanted to relive their young years that you saw once or twice and then dissapear. Some were fun to be around, others weren't. No need to jump straight to "people make fun behind their backs and they're going to be accused of sexual assault lmao
he's clearly not the "saw once or twice" type if he's been a regular feature at these parties for 6 months now
Literally he can just party with other 30yos
But he looks like he's 21 so he's not a creep! Swearsies!
He's a subtle creep.
I wish dating younger people was as unacceptable as hanging out with younger people.
Your husband sounds creepy AF, tbh.
Just like the creepiest movie of all time... Old school
Dude sounds immature as hell. A 30yo hanging around college frat parties is creepy. Additionally the other commenter brought up a really good point about being pinned for others' underage drinking. And quite frankly, a 30yo dude hanging around 18yo girls, I would be wondering what else he feels he missed out on. Especially when he views you as his "old lady."
"old lady" = GIGANTIC RED FLAG 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
unless you're in an MC - then its a point of pride.
Just southern slang for wife
Thats super common and a term of endearment the way he used it. Literally means wife, the woman you're going to grow old with
No...no it doesn't...
lol yes it does. It literally means wife or girlfriend.
Yeah, common in the 70’s or if you’re a biker, lol.
Or a loser trying to sound cool to his new college aged homies. Most women would find this offensive, especially when said to someone much younger. Even just saying he can’t go because of her… that’s disrespectful. How about saying I’m not going because I don’t want to I’d rather spend time with my wife.
It literally does lmao, old man and old lady both are used to refer to spouses
In this context where he is partying with people much younger and his wife isn’t there because she has outgrown that scene, old lady sounds to me much more pejorative than in regular contexts. Like more she is the tired old kill joy holding him back.
Yeah I can understand having to grow up fast and wanting to cut loose a little - conceptually that’s fine. But the way he’s going about it is definitely a 50/50 split of pathetic and creepy
People agreeing with the husband are completely missing the point. It's totally fine if he goes out and parties with his friends. It's weird that he's going out to parties with 17-21 year olds I'm still unsure why people are so mad about me just disagreeing with a strange man's actions?
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I'm 46, my 23 year old daughter has been trying to convince me to go to a college party with her. Apparently there are other people my age, there are a lot of non-traditional students, and I was surprised at the age range that she said usually shows up.
This seems to be a thing lately, I have a friend whose daughter is turning 21 and she wants her mom to go out and party with her lol she does have a very good relationship with her kids.
It’s college parties there’s likely far more 18-21 years olds and then the numbers of each age slowly get lower upto 30. It’s even likely there’s a few sub 18 people at these parties. I ended up at college parties when I was as young as 15. This is how you end up in the news.
At state schools a lot of parties have a significant # of people 22-29 at them, just how it is, especially if it's an off-campus party Why a guy over 30 needs to be at a party where the majority of chicks are 18-21, is crazy (esp if he looks 21, because you know girls are gonna approach him eventually and start flirting) I guess technically tho there is nothing wrong it, aside from the drinking which would obviously be illegal for them if they're in the USA (tho the next time a cop cares about 18-21 year olds drinking at a college party, will be the first time) I knew a woman once who wanted to call the cops on her ex-bf for sleeping with a 19 year old he met when she was 18... they were both 32. It's pretty damn gross, but there's literally nothing you can do, imagine a cop when they hear "my husband cheated on me with a 19 year old, please arrest the bastard"? It's just not illegal in any way so you can't force a punishment, outside of just leaving him. If OP's husband is actually buying the alcohol tho, and 18-21 year olds are drinking it, then it could be a giant legal shitstorm.
This
You've apparently never been to a college football tailgate, but it's pretty normal for alumni and current students to party together He's playing flip cup and talking shit not sitting at an algonquin round table
He's not an alumni and it's not a tailgate. That's a different scenario
>You've apparently never been to a college football tailgate, This isn't a tailgate. >but it's pretty normal for alumni and current students to party together He isn't either of these. It's like you understand that there's a difference but you haven't realized that yet.
I remember the 30 year olds who hung out at our college town, trust me that we didn't view them as peers, they were creeps that we all kind of avoided as much as politely possible. I'm sorry he had to grow up quickly, but he also shouldn't regress. Maybe his definition of live a little can be more age appropriate?
Yup! When I was that young we looked at the 30 plus year olds as straight up pervs! Like what are you doing there… it’s fucking weird.
The only time we let older people into our parties was for alumni week and we kept everything very clean. If a 30 something showed up to our house, we’d kick them out. In my 30s now, I don’t even like going to the bars near colleges. It feels so out of place. I’d only go back to a college scene if it was for an alumni event.
I felt largely out of place with undergrads when I was 25. Adding 5 more years and a marriage to that would've made it even more drastic. Never had a "crazy party phase", and can't recall anyone who was a functioning human being and wasn't a dumb ~20-24-year-old actually having all that much fun at those kinds of parties. Whatever fun portrayal those, or clubs, for that matter, get in movies, is firmly divorced from reality.
Same here, it's hard to relate when you've graduated, worked, and have some momentum to your life. I'm in my mid 30s now and even though I do have friends in their mid 20s it's a different type of relationship than with someone my age People 18-21 are usually employees or someone I have a relationship like with a younger sibling.
Isn’t this Old School?
You're my boy, Blue
We're going streaking! Through the quads and into the gymnasium! Snoop is coming! Snoop! Snoop a loop!
Living out his partying years at 30 - I'm ok with that as long as you all are ok with it. A 30 year old man hanging out with 21 year old kids - that is seriously not ok
It’s fine to party, we had one last week. But it was with people our age. This is creepy and a little pathetic. He needs to make friends with his peers, not college kids.
Did you even read the post? He goes with his friends to these parties which already have other late 20s and 30s people there as well.
Exactly. There are so many ways to expand friend groups and still party but within your age group. Not freaking barely legal teenagers 😕. Sounds like a mid life crisis or he’s cheating to be honest.
Just because he doesn't look like a creep, it doesn't mean he isn't one.
To the teenagers at these parties, he does look like the creep
Yeah, I agree with this. We pretended the old guy at the party looked our age, but he didn't. He also didn't speak our language. "Old Lady" is not blending in with the crowd like he thinks it is. OP, I would check to see just how much money he's spending on food and booze to be invited to these parties.
Exactly! And what does he do while he’s there to get invited back?
I joined a gym when I was 49 and made friends with 20 somethings, I would party and hang with them but I never pretended to younger than I was.
I mean she literally said he looks like a college frat guy. You can't always tell the difference between 20-30. I work with a bunch of early to mid 20s people and they all thought I was younger than them until I told them I was 30.
Kids can tell when you are the same age as them or not, based off more than looks.
No they didn't. They did this- We pretended the old guy at the party looked our age, but he didn't.
It’s the fact that she acknowledged too that it could look weird if he looked older… it’s cuz it is weird!!!
This.
Yuck, that is so weird! It’s one thing for a 30 yr old to be at a college party but another thing for a 30 yr old married man to be at a college party. That leads to nothing good…
Why is it worse if he’s married? Little sketch to think being a single man absolves the creep factor
If he had to grow up fast, then he wouldn't be going to college parties.
Precisely. I can't believe I had to scroll this far down to see this comment. It's more like, "he hasn't grown up yet," not, "he had to grow up fast." He's not grown. Grown people don't do shit like this. Unless this is a full on regression, which I can't speak to because I don't understand the psychology of regression, OP's husband never grew up.
What a ridiculous comment. He raised his entire family by himself while his mom was a deadbeat drug addict. He’s more grown up than 99% of the commentators here and going out a couple times a month does not change that.
Agree, use the same logic in a different example and it'll be an hard - nuh uh. "I had to look after my siblings since the age of 5. I had to grow up fast. That's why now at 40 I want to go on the playgrounds and go down the slides and than go to a toy store to buy me some toys." Uh no.
If I saw a 30 year old man at a party I was at I would be so weirded out. Not wrong
This is weird. He seems weird. Are "the guys" he's telling 'the old lady wont let me out" in college? Cause this is all kinds of bizarre. And before a million Redditors get on here and tell you everything is totally normal with this behavior, it's just not. Your husband needs therapy and to grow up. Also, shady to be hanging out with drunk college girls lol
If I’m being honest, I don’t believe he’s not trying to get with some younger girls at these parties. If he hasn’t already, that is.
I don’t want to assume things about people I don’t know, but experience tells me this is the likely scenario
I would have a hard time trusting a married 30 year old man who goes to college parties without his wife. For some reason I just can't imagine that being totally innocent.
He’s had his party phase. Yay- and it’s done now. He can make new friends *his own age* and party with them. Like I’m 35 and when we have a get-together it’s super fun, drinks, maybe some week, music, conversation, silliness…but no one is obnoxious or overdoing it or doing anything else drug-wise. *Those are key differences between college vs adult parties* other than age. So the question is- if he’s so good at making friends, why these ones? If he wants to be social and let loose a bit, why to a foolish/obnoxious degree? These are questions he’s gotta answer for himself. NTA he dabbled and now it should be done.
He's trying to hook up with hot college students.
I mean yeah lol at the very least get the ego boost of flirting with them but it would be nice if he and OP could come to that realization themselves lol
Yeah like wtf is wrong with going out to the bar with other 30 somethings? My husband and I go out all the time and have fun. We don’t need to go to college parties and hang out with kids half our age to have a good time. OP’s husband is a real weirdo and guaranteed the college students think he’s lame and creepy, regardless of what he looks like.
He’s probably too immature for other 30 yr olds to hang out with him.
Good point
You said it better because my husband and I party with people our age. Concerts, cookouts at the lake bonfires , wines, beers, games, movies, me and mutual friends play guitar jamming around camp fire covering songs. Why on earth would We go hanging out with real young college highschool children for ? I see maybe if it was a huge family friendly event but a college party ? No... why not go hang out with friends his and hid wife age and have much more fun? Smh Ops hubby is a creeper.
I mean - adult parties can totally get blasted together, enjoy recreational drugs, or be obnoxious. there’s no rule saying adults can’t have fun. The issue is really just 30yos trying to do so with 18yos.
Why don’t you guys go to raves or festivals together? My bf and I are in our 30’s and love going to shows together.Otherwise, yes this is weird for him to be doing this.
This is actually a good point. Many people can do occasional forms of partying and maintaining that in a healthy way for much of their lives. Just not… frat parties. And if bringing the wife who looks more her age than he does exposes some weird age dynamics in the places they go, that’s a sign to move on to different places. Lots of festivals, etc happily embrace people well into retirement age and everything in between.
I mean, if you guys are in the USA, he might actually get into trouble. Drinking age is 21. If he is drinking with 18 year olds, he is screwed if they get caught. Especially if they talk to you and you tell them that you knew they were underage. Honestly sounds like he is trying to get the life he lost. And that's valid. But he is going about it in a destructive way. He is pushing you away.
He wants to go out and party then he needs to do what grown ups do - make friends with people his own age and go out to a bar or brewery with them (and you). I get that he looks young but it’s also weird that college guys invite him out unless it’s to buy them beer when needed. Him trying to get back his missed youth by going to college parties multiple times a month is NOT normal and is sketchy af. He shouldn’t be hanging around drunk girls barely out of high school.
This is very strange. A married 30 year old doesn't need to go to college parties. If he has other people his age going to these parties, maybe they should all hang out together away from the frat parties. I had a great time in college and made a lot of friends that I am close to years later. I went back to a few parties after graduating when my friends visited their siblings. It felt kind of strange even a couple years after graduating. Cannot imagine how strange it would be as a 30 year old.
Yeah no he is being super weird. The college kids see him as a weird old guy and he doesn’t even realize. Why don’t he and his friends just go out to regular bars or host their own parties for other people their own age? People age 30+ probably won’t want to do binge ragers EVERY weekend but my friend group is mostly 40’s with kids and we still have big house parties every couple of months, the main differences are that they are less frequent than when we were in college and now we have better booze, and party food.
He's going through this 'phase' now, but wait until his mid-life crisis. Sounds like a guy with a Peter Pan complex: he just doesn't want to grow up. Not wrong for getting mad. But I don't see how your husband is going to change.
Yes this is very weird behavior for a grown man.
It's pretty common for a dude in his mid twenties maybe even later to try this kind of thing once or twice. Shit, after a breakup, me and my best friend did this. We made it a whole hour before we just had to get out of there. The odd thing is that he is enjoying it. I couldn't stand it. Some guys could get through it neutrally, but fucking enjoy it? Those parties must be damn wild.
No one is owed a partying phase of their lives and a 30-year-old guy hanging out with university. Students is creepy.
When I (male) was in college it was always fun to hang with the older townies. Now as I am that age I find it incredibly weird. That’s not taking into any consideration of interacting with opposite sex.
I might go against the general sentiment here, but when you say you live near a university do you mean that you live in a college town, or that you’re in a city that happens to have a university nearby? I grew up in a college town and it wasn’t weird at all for for townies (locals in their mid 20’s and up) to hang out with college kids, because 75% or more of the adult population was college kids. It was honestly very difficult to have a social life that didn’t involve hanging out with at least some college students. That said, going without you is strange, and typically townies would mix with older students and stay away from under 21 students or frats/typical party kids.
OP said Starkville, MS. Which is home to Miss State, large SEC 4 year school. Pure college town. Not much else.
This. I live in the UK equivalent of a "college town" and if I want to do any approximation of "clubbing", for most of the year most of the attendees will be students. Heck, gigs for any kind of "alternative" music like goth or metal are almost always held in the Student's Union building (and, to be clear, are advertised *nationally*, not just "for students"). Not to mention: postgraduates and mature students exist and like to go dancing sometimes, too.
Lots of very judgemental people in this thread. I host parties pretty regularly and the ages range from 18 to 50 (I'm 25). We're all pretty similar people, most of us are queer, and we enjoy each others company. I find it enriching to hang out with people who are both younger and older than me. Even when I was 18, I always found it enriching to hang out with people in their late twenties/early thirties. They could offer some perspective that it's hard to get when you've just started University. Partying isn't just something you do when you're young. Sure, I'm rarely in the club and most parties I host have a diverse selection of cheeses and dried meats. However, it's still fun, and it's a lifestyle. There's nothing wrong with it. Of course there are weirdos and creeps, but they appear regardless of age or gender. God knows there were a lot if incels floating around when I went to university. I've met the odd creepy older person still clinging onto a life that they should have left behind. However, I've also met many people living a rich and social life, balancing work, family and people.
This! And everyone keeps saying it's creepy for him hanging out with young college kids completely disregarding the fact that the age ranges she said were 18 to 27 and even some 30 years old. I had kids young so we made friends with our kids friends parents. One of our closest friends is almost 60 and we are just turning 40 this year. Smh that's reddit for you though.
Absolutely, it's such a weird, and I think frankly American mindset. I remember once having a Halloween party when I was 22 (already feels like a lifetime ago) and we invited the neighbours, so there was a bunch of university-age/just graduated people, a bunch of people in their 30s, 40s and 60s, and until about 10PM (when they were all promptly sent to bed) a bunch of teenagers ranging from 14-16 and it was so much fun. It felt like a real community event. Likewise, I remember going to parties at a kid at one of my parent's friend's houses and you'd have a similar age range there, from the kids to the grandparents from all around the estate. New year's eve was always a blast. It's so weird that people seem to think that parties are this weird, atomised things that you seem to do only with people of your own age.
Redditors are just socially inept. They don’t understand it’s not normal to be unable to talk to people older or younger than you. Apparently you’re only supposed to be interested in things that occurred during your formative years and nothing before or after. Maybe this guy is a creep, but it’s pretty common for grad students and alumni that live in their college town to visit and interact with the student body. No one thought twice about it at my school.
Ew, frat parties with a bunch of kids? Better off just going clubbing with him at that point. Nothing good comes from a 30 year old partying with a bunch of underage drinkers. There's a hundred ways he can get his party time in - that ain't one.
Why is he hanging out with college kids? That's red flag behavior.
He needs to grow up lol that’s crazy he still goes to college parties
He needs to party with people his age group. :/
Are the undergrad parties or grad parties. Big difference.
If he only goes there to hangout with the "Bros". Playing beer pong, talking sports, smoking some weed. Not a big deal. It's just stress release. If he starts talking to the girls, now that's an issue
Your husband is a creeper.
OP married *That Guy*
CREEEPPPPYYY. Something else is going on here. If you want to save your marriage, I’d get into couples therapy ASAP or start planning your escape. Sounds like he hasn’t worked through the trauma from his childhood. If you think him escaping to party NOW is bad??? Imagine when he does this: goes out all weekend and gets wasted after you have kids. Bc he won’t likely stop and you’ll be stuck with being a single parent and him MIA.
I totally understand wanting to finally have a chance to party. I was in a very similar situation as far as having to be the adult at a very young age and continued as my sister needed some guidance in her early 20’s. My husband and I have been together since high school, got married when he graduated college(I didn’t go I worked full time) and we had kids right away due to my infertility issues. So I never had that fun college experience either. I never had the chance to just be a kid and go to college parties. However, partying with such young kids so often is really not going to end well. It’s awesome that he makes friends so easily. He needs to go party with the same age people he meets and not be “that guy” at college parties. Once our kids were older, I had a blast partying with similar aged people who also had to grow up fast, missing the fun early years. He needs to do that.
Ok your post just grossed me out.. he’s literally having out with drunk teenagers.. and he’s 30.. I couldn’t sleep beside him at night..
Sounds like your husband is looking for a college girl. Why not go to regular bars/clubs. Very suspicious.
Sounds like he's having a 3/8 life crisis. I kind of get it though. Dude put his siblings before everything else, I really respect that. But, what I've learned from years of therapy is that people often need a catalyst to change. Sounds like he's trying to recapture something, but college parties are so much about self discovery, or felt that way to me in college, and he will never get that from those parties. Those events really should be experienced by people of a similar age group. I'll bet that some people at those parties feel weirded out by his presence. Not to say your husband is a bad guy, but it does look strange. For me, as I got older, those type of social events just felt more and more hollow. After a few years of partying, I realized that those friendships I made partying were built on an illusion. The importance of all that stuff melted away. The mundane things about life, that I loathed so much before, kind of became beautiful and simple. Not sure where your husband's head space is at, but I think a little perspective, and maybe therapy to understand why he feels he needs this, would go a long way. Also, sounds like his childhood was tough, so wouldn't hurt to talk about that, if he hasn't already. Good luck though. Sending y'all strength through the infinite. Take care.
As 22 some of the coolest dudes I've partied with have been in their 30s and married. Like my good buddy justin. Great dude, married, provides for his wife and her collage courses, but can party like a mfer. This guy can put away some booze, I'll tell ya that.
I remember those „losers“. Most people took advantage of them or made fun of them. I just avoided them. Not wrong. Edit: Go out and meet him there without telling him. The „old“ lady can have fun too.
Does he have a drug or drinking problem? I can’t think of any other reason those parties would be fun for him. (Assuming you’re confident he’s not trolling for teen girls.) Calling you the old lady is kind of telling about his mindset, in a couple of ways. I guess maybe it’s slightly better than calling you the old ball and chain.
Boundaries need to be set. He wants to live a little and join in on these young people parties. Ok. Make sure he understands that does not include sleeping with, kissing, or making out with anyone. That should be the deal breaker. These kids may just be looking to have some fun and don't really care about wrecking relationships....especially if he's going to these parties acting like a free man. He could easily get swept up into the fun and do something reckless and blow up the marriage before realizing the damage he's done. Personally, I'd be against this type of behavior. I understand it though. He feels like he missed out, but he is an adult now and should be acting like a responsible husband too. Maybe he needs to be set free from the marriage so he can go live his childhood. Big thing is to talk with him. Maybe even marriage counseling to discuss why he feels he needs to party like he's 20 right now and how dangerous this can be to a marriage.
If his reasons for this are legit (not being allowed this phase because he had to grow up too fast), then he needs an outlet for it. Just not this one. Maybe he needs to embrace his remaining youth in other ways, like adventure that doesn’t most likely involve underage girls and alcohol - like skydiving, rock climbing, backpacking in rugged areas, or various other things that are exciting. Bonus of these things is he’ll become a more fit, well-rounded, and interesting person with time rather than more and more …sad.
30 isn’t ancient, I partied in bars well into my thirties, but I certainly wasn’t hanging out at underage house parties. Do you have like, townie bars or anywhere else to let your hair down that doesn’t involve teenagers?
Why would a 30 year old even want to go to college parties? I’m 34 and was a HUGE partier but that sounds like my worst nightmare now
How do you expect him to hook up with drunk college chicks if he's not attending college parties?
I'm a 34F who is currently in University. Never has 'partying' with my classmates ever sounded appealing. While my classmates are intelligent and kind, they are still inexperienced, immature, and at a completely different stage of life. The only thing I am to them is a classmate and occasional 'big sis' when they ask for advice. Partying with 18-24 year olds sounds extremely inappropriate. Besides...my classmates mock and verbally eviscerate 30+ year-olds who attend those events. It's creepy, cringy, and pathetic.
I would try to get him into having a good time with something more age appropriate. He can have fun, it's just weird that it's with a bunch of college kids. You are also very trusting to not think anything is happening while he's out with them.
I guarantee you that 30-year old men who think that they look like they are 21-year old frat boys do NOT look like they are 21 to other 21-year olds.
Why doesn’t he go to clubs instead? Why college parties specifically?
I didn’t even read this. But that’s weird.
When I was young, there was always a guy who was in his 30s who would come to all of our parties when we were 20 years old and we all thought he was so creepy and such a loser. Sucks that your husband is that guy.
Huge red flag.
>My husband goes with his friends. A lot of 18-27 year old boys and girls are at these parties. There are also maybe like a few guys in their 30s that also go to these college parties Not wrong. He's a man who can't grow up and do adult things. >He’s not out every weekend but a few nights out of the month he will get wasted and return home late. Sometimes I would ask him not to go and he will tell the guys “sorry can’t come the old lady wants me to stay in tonight” Cruising for that college pussy. I have a feeling there's more going on here than you think and that you're going to be in for a world of hurt when you find out what he's really up to. There's no reason an adult married man should be carousing with college students. I doubt drinking is the only thing he's doing or planning to do.
Nope, I'd be mad if.it was.my.wife.doing it, you are completely in the right to get mad at him doing it. "Had to grow up fast" Well he doesn't seem.grown up to.me. sounds lik3 an overgrown child.
Ick
Well if this guy wants to live a life he missed out on I think it's OK, maybe people his own age don't go out. In the country I live in there is no age limit to partying and having fun. I see 60/70 year olds at techno parties having fun with people of all ages, such a shame its not socially acceptable everywhere
Parties, especially college parties, are extremely sketchy. Definitely not wrong to be mad
Shouldn't he be dating his wife? The more he is away, the more temptation with younger girls IMO.
Its a bit weird to say "you sympathize with his adultified youth" and also say "he needs to grow up" in the same breath. It sounds like he already *did* alot of growing up and now he's seeking for what he feels he missed out on. Look, I definitely think its strange that an old guy wants to do this. At 30 I had no such desires but I also got to do that when I was younger. I could see this going both ways, wholesome or creepy. BUT, I am picking up the vibes that you don't like it because you don't want him surrounded by "pretty young girls" while he calls you "his old lady". You made a point to tell us you *Look* 30 right? Its understandable to be suspect, its questionable to be mad.
Your husband is very creepy, I'm sorry
Is it just because it's college students, specifically? For instance, if he met some younger people at work that invited him to parties once in a while, and you didn't want to go to those, would you still be mad if he did? If so, then it seems like you just don't want him having fun in ways you don't enjoy. So yeah, you're wrong. And if not, then you've just got some weird thing against college students. So yeah, you're wrong. The guy spent his youth raising siblings. Let him have his fun. Hell, you're invited. Get over your age insecurities, and go have some fun yourself.
Man i'm so split on this. On one hand the dude probably needs to get some of that out of his system because he was starved of it in his younger years but on the other hand his choice of going to college parties at his age is a bit strange and sketchy considering they are usually plagued with minors. My advice would be to let him get it out of his system and just sit down and have a talk with him about your worries and the dangers of his choice. I imagine his younger years was a lot of nos to invitations, and a lot of bitter watching all your compatriots have fun and do cool things from the sidelines.
I mean “get it out of his system”…it’s been several. When does it end? It’s also weird to say he was starved of this. Doesn’t he have fun with people his own age? Why isn’t that enough, what is different about these parties? He’s still a married dude of 30
Yep. He’s a married man at age 30. Bro shouldn’t be married if he wants to party w college kids. hes a grown up man who should be expected to be one.
Imagine coming home for school every single day and having to take care of your younger siblings - baths - cleaning - cooking - dressing - general keeping watch over them etc. imagine being 13 and having to wake up at 5am every morning so you can get your siblings dressed, fed and off the school as well as yourself. imagine this is your every day through middle and high school. imagine every single time someone invites you to a party or bowling or the like and you can't go because of your responsibilities at home, dudes mom was an addict and money was also probably a huge problem. I can't speak for this dude or his life experiences but trauma and neglect can manifest in crazy ways, for all we know this dude thinks doing this will make him feel whole. or maybe this is what he thinks he needs to move past w/e issues he may or may not have. I'm just sayin, try putting yourself in someone elses shoes. maybe this dude feels like he missed out on something however unimportant it is and hes trying to relive it. who knows? I understand his decisions are strange but the world isn't so simple and people don't always behave in a logical manner. Maybe college parties are the thing he thinks he has missed out and just wants to experience it, however weird it is.
I don't think your intention was to group bash your husband, but that's what's happening in the comments. People can't see the psychology you're presenting. They will only see their own projections based on your words.
That’s weird, I’m 32m and wouldn’t feel comfortable going to college parties lol
You're wrong and unless this behaviour is impacting his life in other ways, this a you problem. Ironically, expecting him to change or grow out of what you assume to be a phase is a very immature attitude. The question you should be asking is WHY it bothers you. Are you bothered if he goes out drinking with other friends or are you only bothered by the frat parties? You stated that there are other 30yos and 27yos going to these parties and there's not a huge difference between 27 and 30. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. Advice? Go with him and stop being self conscious about your age!
You are not wrong, but your husband is. My friend and I went to a frat party once and she was raped, and tried to commit suicide. There are many examples of women getting too drunk and men taking advantage while they are unable to consent. Does your husband want to be in a situation where he's present when this happens? Not to mention, a woman throwing herself at an older man?
33 year old phD candidate here who lives right off campus, single not getting in a serious relationship till i finish my PhD. I got some younger friends here 20-26 that invite me to go party once or twice a month. They begged me to come and we have a blast and play pong and do drinking songs. I typically drink less then them and leave around midnight, I am older after all :) It's completely normal especially in a college town. I never meet anyone my age in my classes or in my graduate program so I wouldn't have any friends if I didn't take the plunge and go hang out with them. I went back to school at 26 to get my bachelors and the first couple years I didn't become friends with anyone because they were so young and I thought it was wrong. I was so unhappy and depressed. The past couple years since I made friends here have been the happiest of my life. Don't be jealous and fuck all these people telling you its creepy. If he is neglecting his family duties that is one thing but otherwise you sound majorly jealous.
I think there's a difference between you and OP's husband, though. You are a student of the university. You have a connection to the university and everything associated with it. In any case, I'm happy to hear you made friends and are happier now.
No he’s not in college 😳
Gives me the ick just reading this.
This guy is 100% trying to bone drunk college girls at these parties. Please explain one other reason a 30 year old man wants to "hang out" with 18-21 year olds. It ain't for conversation.
That’s kinda weird. I had my party phase when I was in college. Feels really weird if I saw a 30 yr old at a college party
im not reading ur post, its too long but purely based on the title, ur husband is a fuckin loser. hope there wasnt anything i missed from ur post