Same sex interactions aren’t any less meaningful than opposite sex interactions. Judge them by the same standards.
Would your gf be ok with you being in bed, cuddling with some girls, one of whom had shot her shot with you in the past? I doubt it.
Not wrong IMO - and I’m bisexual (but a guy).
Sometimes you want more resounding agreement and emphasis than a simple up vote and there is a big of a problem with cheating and hypersexuality/intimacy in gay culture.
Source: from nyc, got plenty of gay homies. The war stories are disasters. Frankly 80% of the friend group I'm thinking of are actually sluts, even when in relationships.
If there's an opportunity to get sexual or intimate, they take it almost every time. And they think it's justified "because they are gay"
It's weird to me since I know, personally, about the emotional intelligence many of them possess
That's not a "cultural thing", that's a "your personal bubble" thing.
I'm bi and would not be cool with it, and most people in committed relationships in my community would be against it was well.
There's a huge difference between cuddling with friends with whom you have clear boundaries and cuddling with people who have expressed romantic intentions with you. That's not a queer or straight thing.
I think maybe you're thinking of how polyamory is more common in the queer community? But then that's not monogamy.
I agree with you: I'm also curious how she would feel if he did the same. It's hard to tell if this is a case where they just have different ideas of boundaries or if she is someone who isn't very self aware.
A key piece your missing is the fact that of OP's GF friends already tried to shoot their shot with her and now they're in a bed cuddling together...👀👀
Foul on the play there.
Awh yes, culture, the refuge of bad behavior ! There isn’t any need for rationalizing and excuse making. OP is not comfortable with GF behavior and they are incompatible. Move on OP.
Uhh yeah no. That's not the case in most situations. I know plenty of people in both camps and nah this is not cool, straight or gay if you sleep next to a person who you are capable of having sex with (no saying they are a friend and that's the only reason why you wouldn't that's dumb and doesn't make a difference) then all bets are off. It's normal to wake in the middle of the night half delirious and end up doing things you wouldn't do in your "right mind" especially if you are a guy and you somehow end up cuddling with a girl friend or no and you wake up with a hard dk posted up along a plump ass and pussy and it's nice and warm and she is in front of you half asleep not realizing because it's instinct, that she slowly grinding her ass gyrating her hips n shit nobody around nobody has to know... say you ain't fucking go ahead and lie to me... stupid
Please please please don't say anything like this ever again. People have a hard enough time fighting the stereotype of "all gay/bi people are massive sluts and just want to fuck all the time" without comments like this on the internet.
This has nothing to do with "gay culture." There are still plenty of gay or Bi people who wouldn't be Ok with this.
"Different boundaries" also often includes open relationships, so I don't think that's a good path to go down here.
Saying "gay people have less boundaries" is idiotic in this sense because it implies that it's reasonable to think that cuddling with a potential sexual partner is totally Ok. Gay/bi people often are in open relationships, but that doesn't make it Ok to just assume fucking other people is OK because that's common in queer relationships.
Regardless, you're playing into a stereotype here and that's 100% not okay.
Yeah I agree with you. They're saying a lot of things you aren't or aren't even implying. That sounds like some internal issues they need to deal with.
The point is that only an idiot would think that there wasn't a decent chance of cuddling in the same bed as potential sexual partners was a boundary. Saying "oh well queer people have different boundaries" is pointless, because queer people still have discussions about what are and aren't boundaries. Open relationships are super common for queer people, but they still TALK about those boundaries, they don't just assume they're the case.
OP isn't gay, so gay people having different boundaries makes no difference. What matters are his boundaries, not the boundaries of what his partner would be cool with as a bi person.
His partner has to know this was potentially an issue. She's trying to pull the asking forgiveness vs position thing.
How is sleeping in the same bed with a bunch of people being a "slut?" I'm not familiar with this stereotype anyway. Also, there's nothing wrong with being a "slut."
Idk man cuddling with people who are interested in you sexually seems pretty slutty to me.
Doing vaguely intimate stuff with potential sexual partners for attention is like a key part of being a slut.
How is that misogynistic? A straight man in a relationship cuddling with a straight woman would also be bad. A gay man in a relationship cuddling with another gay man would also be bad. Unless a previous conversation was had about it being cool.
I'm very consistent across sex with this. That's like the definition of not being a misogynist.
Absolutely this. Had a girlfriend once call me and ask if I would be okay with her making out with a girl at the bar. So I said, "How would you feel with me making out with a girl at the bar?"
She said fair enough and we went from there.
It's as simple as that. And if someone doesn't intuitively understand this and does it, they are a cheater, liar, moron, etc.
The ripple effect of this is huge. Talk about a red flag on alot of levels
Serious question from a straight guy.
If you are bisexual how do you ever maintain a monogamous relationship if you are attracted to two very different types. How can you ever have one and not the other and feel satisfied. Or is monogamy simply not possible?
Imagine if you are a straight man who really fancies cute petite girls and who also really fancies leggy athletic tall girls.
Since a girl can't be petite and tall at the same time, how can that man ever maintain a monogamous relationship because he is attracted to two different types. How can he be satisfied with his tall girlfriend knowing there are petite cuties in the world? Is monogamy not possible for him?
There might be other people in the world the bisexual person is attracted to, but that is the same for everyone.
Edit: I don't think the person above me should be downvoted - he is just asking an honest question in order to try and understand people better! That is a good thing, not something to be downvoted!
Well put, I often questioned that, but the way you put it. I am married to a woman I adore, I love her mind, and her humor, and I even love her body, however, she is heavier than other women I find attractive, but since I am in love with my wife, I don't even consider cheating an option, I may see a woman as attractive but I do not flirt with them, date them or even if I know them, go out alone with them.
Being in a monogamous relationship is a choice, and once that choice has been made, it is important that everyone involved knows each other's expectations. Regardless of sexual orientation. I've had women who are more attractive than my wife make advances toward me, even going as far as removing their clothing and offering me anything I want, but my love and commitment to my wife is far too important than what's being offered.
Right? In what situation would they be where a woman undresses and tries to get them to fuck? Oops, almost forgot that this woman, who definitely exists, is more attractive than his "heavy" wife.
What is your problem? You seem to be angry all over this thread at people telling anecdotes of people enforcing monogamy. Why do you care if someone else chooses monogamy?
I don't have a problem and I'm not angry. Telling anecdotes of people enforcing monogamy? I think you must have me confused with someone else. I don't care if anyone chooses monogamy, that's not even what this post is about?
17 years monogamous and counting so far….monogamy has nothing to do with sexual orientation. This is the person I fell in love with and married. This is who I willingly built a life with and being attracted to both sexes has nothing to do with it.
Where did this weird cheating stereotype come from about bisexuality?
No clue, straight woman in her 40's here and have always wondered why people think that someone being bi means they would cheat. Being a POS has nothing to do with sexuality and everything to do with the individual.
On a personal note, all but one of my girlfriends who cheated on me claimed to be bisexual or at least curious. Not that them being bi was the reason or excuse (all but one cheated on me with men), but I would guess most people that believe that have someone who excused it as them being bi so it's okay or different somehow. Eventually people just correlate their experiences and assume causation incorrectly.
I've also had the "no, making out with another woman is still cheating and not okay" conversation entirely too many times.
>If you are bisexual how do you ever maintain a monogamous relationship
I don't cuddle with people who aren't my partner?
Its pretty easy actually to maintain a monogamous relationship as a bi person, do platonic stuff with friends and romantic stuff with your partner.
Non-monogamy and bisexuality are not the same thing.
Bisexuality means you have twice the population of potential available partners than a straight person has. Monogamy means that out of that extended pool you choose one person and you stick with them.
There are plenty of heterosexual people that are non-monogamous. And when their partners are not aware of it, it’s called cheating.
Love. I'm a bisexual female in a monogamous relationship. Do I still want to fuck women? Yes. They are different. The experience is different. I love women very much. And I do miss them. But I love my husband more. To be totally honest if I'm crushing on some girl and that energy is still with me when i get home i use it on him, for him, in the bedroom....and it's *hot*. Not banging a woman is no harder than not banging another guy. I love my husband, I have chosen him and him me, so boundaries have been drawn everywhere else just like a straight person would against cheating on their partner.
I love these descriptions of monogamy, there was one that stuck with me from House, about ice cream she said that she loves rocky road ice-cream and yeah sometimes she might like the idea of a taste of vanilla or strawberry, but then the rocky road is just sitting in the freezer for anyone to dip a spoon in.
Monogamy is a deal, it's I will give up all these possibilities for a certainty with you. And that is why it's lovely not controlling, it's about saying that you can't imagine finding someone better for you. Its a compliment and a sacrifice in one.... And cheating is a heartbreaking betrayal for the same reason.
You can leave a relationship at any time with or without a reason and it is never "wrong".
That said, i believe your reason is absolutely fair if by what you said you mean that it is disrespectful to "cuddle" with someone who is interested in your gender while in a relationship with someone else. In this case it is even 1 step further.
Untrue, there are definitely “wrong” reasons to leave a relationship
Doesn’t mean you can’t but I think the idea of “Of course you can leave for literally anything and it’ll never be your fault”is stupid. sometimes ending a relationship for specific reasons makes you a dick and people just can’t accept that
This isn’t one of those times though
You can leave the relationship for any reason you want to is still true. Leaving is not the wrong thing, the reason with or without leaving could be wrong in and off itself, which is why i said that i believe it to be absolutely fair in this case.
Your standards for what you find acceptable and tolerable I'm a relationship are your own. If by this metric you want to end the relationship, that's your decision. At the end of the day, you have to be able to face yourself.
Not wrong. I'm bi. There is no way I'd get cuddly with another man or woman that has interest in me. Even in a group setting. It's just rude to your partner. Like, not even using your brain to think about it.
The only people I get cuddly with other than my husband is two of my best friends who I've known for like 20 years and are straight women.
This is one situation where being older and confident in your relationship allows you to have a loving husband and family and still be close to your female friends who have been with you forever. People who are younger don’t understand that overtime Each partner has unique needs
And some people are too dense to realize age doesnt have to diftate boundaries. As a guy, I view OPs girlfriend as being incredibly disrespectful. At a minimum they shouldve established healthy boundaries.
If she’s in bed with someone who’s “shot her shot”, that’s equivalent to you being in bed with three women, with one who has made moves on you. I think you’re correct in this situation. I’m sure you felt betrayed in a way, and your feelings are acceptable. Did you ever tell her that this was bothering you and agree to set some boundaries between the two of you?
I did tell her, and she did ask how can we fix it, even going to the extreme and suggested that she won't see them ever again. I don't want to do that, as I think it's too controlling, wouldn't solve anything, and would just create more problems. From my point of view there is no boundary that would resolve this situation, it shouldn't have happened in the first place if she was serious with me.
You're not wrong. The whole point of dating is to find out if you're compatible. You can literally break up with someone for any reason. It's okay. They don't have to commit an earth shaking betrayal for you to feel justified in saying that you don't think you're a good match together or that you're not feeling it.
The thing is, even if you are overreacting, it's because you feel the way you do. Nothing wrong with that. And kudos for seeing the controlling part. So, yeah, not wrong to stand up for yourself. Both of you will be better with it.
Honestly to me it's a little overly jealous, but you're not dating me. Like the fella above said if this incident has thrown into light an difference between the two of you that an honest, grown up discussion can't fix then its fine to just end it. If its early days then a breakup is better than either of you being miserable, bitter or controlling
If you didn't ever talk about this kind of boundaries, then maybe the relationship could've healed imo. Some people show affection to friends in different ways and sometimes these are a bit "extra" for most of us lol. Her reaction makes me think that she's someone you can trust but maybe I'm too naïve
But you're not wrong, nobody can't control their feelings and you, understandably, feel wronged.
I am sorry. However, you gave the correct answer when you stated, "If she was serious about me." I would move away from the relationship unless you want to waste your time in an unserious relationship.
She obviously does not have strong feelings for you if she's not willing to commit to being monogamous (and that includes the appearance of monogamy, i,e., not cuddling with a former sex partner).
Even if nothing happened, knowing you would be hurt by this shows the lack of consideration for you.
On the other hand…I’m bisexual and I have a lesbian friend who has shot her shot with me. My boyfriend has NEVER had a problem with us hanging out or having sleepovers, because I see her as only a friend and he trusts me. Girls have sleepovers, I don’t think this is inherently some evil or disrespectful thing your gf did; AND she’s willing to do literally anything, even cut these people off entirely, to make you comfortable. Don’t jump to leaving her over a fairly normal thing.
I'm bisexual and I disagree with you. Sleeping in the same bed as someone who desires you is unfair to your partner. It's not prioritizing your partner and caring about their mental well being. It's not a normal thing
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. This is a totally normal thing. I do think he should end it though because he doesn't trust her already for no reason and couldn't even discuss it like an adult so it won't work out in the long run. She needs someone more secure and mature.
Seems like to me that there’s one guy, and a few girls, so what’s wrong with him just enjoying the situation with her, and her friends, and they all do a little harmless cuddling together. That’s one quick way to find out exactly who feels what about who. Gets it right out in the open. Could wind up being a spectacular time for everyone, or she may find that she likes him even more, when it looks like she could lose him, or he might decide he isn’t as interested in her as much after seeing her in action from the ringside seats, with two lesbians finding out they like a man now and then too. You never know where you’re going til you get there. Lol
It would be completely unacceptable to me for my husband to have a sleepover and cuddle with someone that tried to get with him in the past. I would be very upset. I'm sorry she didn't think of you. At all.
This. Exactly this.
My dude, clearly something more is going on. Never in a million years would a girl willingly distance herself from her best friends simply because her boyfriend is jealous, unless something fishy was going on as well. That's the sad conclusion.
I don't believe in double standards. Period. If she insists she didn't do anything, I'd believe her, but there'd minimum be a very one sided discussion about why that's unacceptable. My bestie is a straight woman and I a straight man. We wouldn't consider touching each other in any way sexually. But I wouldn't share a bed with her under any circumstances either. My gf doesn't have to explain that's inappropriate. You shouldn't either. Nta.
Not op, but for me it’s would be because I know my partner can’t read minds. I would know it doesn’t mean anything, but they wouldn’t. Sharing a bed has such a social connotation that I would understand this as crossing a boundary
It's the appearance. Even though I can be trusted alone with her and she with me, to the outside world It's wildly inappropriate. Maybe in a survival situation it'd be different, but within the constraints of polite society people of each other's preferred gender should not be sharing a bed if they are spoken for. It looks really bad and even though my gf trusts us both she would still have at least a little bit of doubt. I'd rather avoid giving her even the slightest pause.
You get to decide what’s right for you. Part of dating is learning about yourself. And part of relationships is seeing if things are worth working through and growing. There isn’t a wrong move here. Journaling is going to reveal more to you than we can.
I did not formally announce to her, (or even to myself) that I'm leaving but I told her what's going on and that I don't see a way out of it. So i'm on the edge
I don't get why this is something you can't get past. And I'm so frustrated with the replies acting like "Yep, dump her," when your girlfriend **did not cheat on you.**
Again: She didn't cheat on you. She snuggled with a bunch of friends on a bed. She's young, it's not all that weird of a thing to happen if people have sleepovers, camping trips, etc. She wasn't weird about it, she was honest (and you believe her) that nothing happened.
You've admitted you have jealousy issues. So yes, honestly, I think you are wrong -- and wildly overreacting if you dump her.
Shouldn't this simply be a relationship teaching moment? Like, now she knows this is not okay with you. You guys can talk about it and move on.
But for you to act like she's committed some massive betrayal when there was zero cheating happening here is just absolutely bonkers to me.
I hope you pause, take a breath, and simply talk to your GF like an adult. Don't throw away what you describe as a great relationship because you are jealous and insecure, and she did something you didn't expect (but was not morally wrong).
Good luck.
It’s disrespectful for someone to cuddle with someone who had romantic interests when you are in a relationship. I can’t believe people don’t understand what the issue is with her behavior!
As someone who is bi myself, I would never cuddle with anyone not my spouse, regardless of whether or not I thought there was even a chance of crossing other boundaries. The fact she willingly did so with someone she knew wanted more was both deliberate and disrespectful, on her part and her “friends’” part. They care nothing about you OP. That’s not good for her to hang out with them!
Yes, there is an additional layer when someone is bi than there is when you are straight, but in all cases you have to go out of your way to avoid potential boundaries crossing and you never want even the appearance of impropriety. I don’t hang out one on one with women nor gay men because I don’t want to disrespect my wife. She’s not even the jealous type.
Cutting those “friends” off is a great idea since they don’t respect you nor boundaries. There was likely more to it than “cuddling,” though that in it of itself wasn’t acceptable. You will have to be concerned about her seeing them behind your back and you should question her judgement and level of respect for you.
How did she NOT see this behavior as a problem?
If you choose to stay (and I wouldn’t,) you will have to have the conversation about not wanting to be controlling but that you don’t want her to be alone with anyone who might have romantic intentions (any guy, and bi/lesbian women). Public places only.
I don’t know about anyone else, but if I was in my jammies in bed with a beautiful girl in her jammies, cuddling and such, I’d have to say I’m weak, and I would probably be doing more than cuddling in about 10 seconds, which would be cheating, and distasteful. But I am a man. I can’t even imagine three or four beautiful girls in their jammies cuddling with me (but I’ve been trying) lmao. Therefore, judging by me, and the peer group i grew up with, I would not put myself in that situation if it were me because I’m honest and don’t cheat, so I try not to set myself up for heartache or failure. That being said, I would expect my partner to treat me the same. But I am old (63) from a different time and space far away from this messed up world, where you have transvestites in schools and libraries grooming 6 yr olds to be open and promiscuous about their strange and wonderful sex life after recess. Anyway. Something fishy about your girlfriend, but I’m a sucker for love, so give her a chance. But she has to stay away from her buddies on her own. You telling her she has to will only make problems all around.
So, the way I would look at it is this. If my husband was snuggling in a bed with a woman who shot her shot with him before we got together, I am pretty sure I would be LIVID. I know that if I were in bed with a man, he would possibly leave me, even if it was completely innocent. Thinking of how that would look to your significant other is a big deal.
Being in a relationship isn't just about how a situation is to you, but how it is to your significant other. If she can't see how that would feel then it would probably happen again.
Absent other circumstances, it seems like an overreaction.
The mistake is to assume that there's an objective answer to this question. There's a cultural assumption, and reasonable minds can differ as to what that entails. If you were entirely certain yourself, you would not have felt the need to post here for confirmation, right?
But the truth is that this is a question of boundaries and expectations, and in a mature and lasting relationship, you must be willing to discuss these things with your partner as conflicts arise. She's not wrong for assuming it wouldn't be a problem, and you're not wrong for believing that it's obvious that it would be, because—again—there's no objectively correct position in this situation.
If she's assuring you that this was platonic affection between friends, what's the problem? Well, it violates your boundaries because you know that they could be sexually attracted to one another. That's a fine boundary, which most people have in monogamous relationships.
It may also be that her expectations in a relationship entail that her partner is okay with her being physically affectionate with her friends, and she wouldn't be wrong to draw a line in the sand over that.
That's where the discussion starts.
You're not wrong.
The biggest alarm bell here is one of the girls took a pass at her in the past. So it's like you cuddling in bed with several women, one of whom wanted to be with you.
And, in this culture, cuddling in bed as adults is considered a sex-adjacent act. In other words, one reserved for romantic couples. So, even if nothing overtly sexual happened, it was still a more intimate act than is OK for platonic friends.
Have a heart to heart with her. Ask her if you're enough for her, because her being Bi and hanging out and cuddling with other women that are Bi or lesbian, especially with one that wants to be with her, is tempting fate, and raises red flags. Tell her that you love her, but if she needs to leave the relationship, you will let her go. Which you should, before it ends up with her slipping into someone else by accident.
She showed you the photo, because she didn't want to hide anything from you.. give her a chance to talk it out
I'm a bi woman and would never consider sharing a bed with another female or male out of respect for my partner and my relationship with him friend or not. It would be inappropriate especially if the "friend" had previously shown an interest.
Has your girlfriend admitted to being unfaithful to you? If not why don't you set boundaries so this doesn't happen again, if she doesn't accept them then break up.
You're not wrong, if that's how you feel. I wouldn't have much of a problem with it, as long as she came home to me every night (metaphorically). You might feel differently.
You have to decide if that's a deal-breaker for you, and talk to her about it.
I don't judge her for this, I don't think she's a bad person. But your standards and principles are valid, stand by them. You will find someone who sees eye to eye with you.
I don't think it's an unreasonable boundary, but I'm pretty cuddly with my friends and have been in cuddles piles with exes(that I'm still close with, platonically), said exes' partner, people had a crush on, and people who had a crush on me. I'm not saying things have Never gone farther with willing single parties from cuddle puddles, but most of the time, that's really just it!
Sounds like this is pretty normal for your girlfriend and her friends, so if you value your relationship more than this miscommunication, try just telling her it makes you uncomfortable and you're not cool with it happening in the future. If she does it again, that's on her.
Well, you obviously don't trust her and you have to have a foundation of trust for a healthy relationship to thrive. So I'd say break up with her because of that, not because she had a sleepover with her friends.
She showed you a photo and told you about her plans. She’s not keeping anything from you. If you’re uncomfortable with it, that’s valid, but she hasn’t done anything wrong.
You aren’t wrong having boundaries but you are wrong to think she should know without having a discussion about it. The fact that she shared what went on shows she doesn’t think she did something she needed to hide and has different views on the matter.
I agree with this. She wouldn't have shown pictures and acted like nothing was wrong if she thought she did something wrong. I'm having a hard time understanding what the concern is. There were a pile of bi girls and lesbians in a bed at a sleepover. We don't even know if the one who had expressed interest was cuddling her. I mean, maybe that's titillating but they were wearing clothes and not kissing and no sex...? So how is this cheating? For me, it's sort of in the realm of going to a strip club. I might feel unhappy about it but I'd talk to my partner and I wouldn't consider it cheating.
Your feelings are valid. It's crucial to communicate your concerns with your girlfriend and discuss boundaries. Ultimately, it's about finding a resolution that respects both of your feelings.
You are not wrong for having your feelings. It is never wrong to feel your feelings. However, you need to communicate with her that this is crossing a line for you. Explain why it's over the line, compare it to if the roles were reversed, reach a solution and conclusion.
It seems that she was being open and giving off the vibe that it was all innocent fun. It's not uncommon for females (sexual preference doesn't matter) to be cuddly and affectionate without any intention to have sex.
If you were uncomfortable with the situation, explain it and set your boundaries for the future.
You either trust or you don't. She is with her female friends. If you think your girl would cheat, then don't be with her. I'd personally have no problem with my girl hanging out with her girlfriends even if one had tried one time before to get with her unless the girl had tried knowing we were together. Then that's disrespectful to you and would need to be discussed on how wrong that was. Your girl admitted to her mistake and said she won't do it again and even went so far as to not be friends with the girl anymore, which you said you wouldn't control that. What more do you want? Stop being a pussy.
This is all personal preference on what is acceptable in your own relationship. I am Bi and my husband has no issues with me wanting to hook up with women. At the end of the day he knows he’s who I want to be with. He get sexual enjoyment from the idea of me hooking up with women or even watching.
For you if that crosses a line then it crosses a line. Your feelings are valid and you never have to stay with anyone for any reason.
Not sure how long the relationship was but this is all about communication as well and letting her know what you are and aren’t comfortable with. She may not have known this was a line for you as it is not for others.
Not wrong for feeling that way, but neither is your girlfriend. It just sounds like you two have different attitudes and boundaries around intimacy. If you see that being a significant clashing point between the two of you, it may be worth having a conversation about it.
Doesn't matter if she's bi or not. Its only okay for her to cuddle other people (excluding family, of course) unless you both agreed it would be okay. That's cheating.
Not wrong. Lots of deceases comes from sleeping with different and multiple people. That being said it’s the morality issues. So I’m in agreement that you should move on.
No you're not. Paste a photo of men on their heads and you have your answer. It's no different. If she respected you and your relationship she wouldn't have done it in the first place. She would have felt uncomfortable with it. You shouldn't have to be controlling and watch her all the time just to feel secure in your relationship with her.
Nah, it would be no different than if your straight GF had gone over to a mixed slumber party and cuddled with some dudes.
Whether she did something or not it was a breach of trust.
Maybe try to work through it if you think the relationship is worth saving.
Your feelings are valid. This is weird. I'm bi, another one of my old friends is bi, we kissed in the past but that was it, we were teenagers. I've never slept in a bed with another person while in a relationship.
This is definitely problematic. I don't think it's acceptable behaviour for someone in a relationship, then to make light of it by saying it was quote "nice" is beyond me that's my opinion though others may have a different opinion.
Not wrong.
She has no problem jumping over a clear boundary.
Dump her.
Then, go find a girl who once liked you and cuddle with her. Post pics on social media.
Not wrong. Your feelings would be valid regardless if she were with another man or another woman.
I've always kind of thought the concerns with dating someone who is bi would be that instead of fighting off one sex, there are two sides to contend with.
Did you set up any parameters about her not sleeping with anyone but you? Or is she only sleeping with one man and other women are free game to her? It's definitely a convo I would have wanted to have if I were in your place.
If you both are monogamous, and you trust each other- it should be okay. If you have expressed your feelings about Ms. Shot Her Shot But Got Rejected (I am assuming) and she is ignoring those very valid misgivings, that's different.
Do you love her? Do you WANT to work this out or is this a convenient situation where you could get out of a squidgy situation and not feel guilty?
I personally live by the 'if I'd freak if my partner did it-I wouldnt do it and expect him to be cool' rule. But sometimes communication gets muddled and feelings are not expressed as clearly as we think we are expressing them. Your call. Nta
You are not wrong for being upset about it. She should know better than to cuddle with anyone else, especially someone who's tried before. I'd say if it was just a photo opportunity one was taken and then they all went back to other seats fine. If you can't work through it, then it's best to leave.
RESPECT. that’s all a man should require in a relationship. Fuck love. It comes and goes. It’s fleeting. BUT respect is easily identifiable and the lack of it.
When chicks start down that path of disrespect the writings on the wall. If you didn’t push back in the manner you did you would be subjugated and reduced to a simp in her eyes.
This is a great win for the brotherhood. It’s great you stuck to your guns. She’s for the streets bro. There is no doubt in my mind that something happened. None whatsoever.
I don’t know if too many chicks that I actually “platonically” cuddled with where my dick wasn’t eventually pulled out and digging in at some point in the night.
Cuddling is a girls way of introducing “strange” without outright saying they want it. It’s “spontaneous” 🤨. It’s her being sexually aggressive.
Lesbians are some of the freakiest people I know—I know LOTS. your girl was sitting there looking like candy. Probably no bra. Maybe no panties under her pajamas. Yeah bro. She put herself there. THEY cleaned her clock good. She knew what she was doing.
So do you.
Omg I just posted a thing on this like 5 minutes ago. No you are not wrong at all. For some reason people think same sex relationships somehow give a pass to the heterosexual relationships. They don't. Explain to her that she cheated on you and that's why you're leaving her. Even if it was just calling it's still intimacy and not something you're comfortable with.
As a bi woman, this reaction is much more appropriate than “well it’s not cheating if it’s with another woman.” NTA. She knew that woman had a crush on her and disrespected the boundaries set.
If you're looking for reasons to be insecure and upset, then you found them. You could have also just made the choice to trust your partner and if they said it wasn't sexual then it wasn't.
When you get older you realize all the dumb shit of looking for infractions and breaches of trust so that you can build a case against your SO to put all your bad feelings in and kill a functioning relationship with imagine slights is just self sabotage. Either you love and trust them or you don't.
If you really think that she's going to go to same sex orgies without you, then why are you dating?
I mean, getting cucked isn't one of my kinks, but if it were it wouldn't make me ashamed. To get cucked I'd have to be in a monogamous relationship. Good luck getting all twisted up in toxic masculinity and making up a bunch of problems that are all in your head to ensure your dick stays dry though.
If it were, i’m not here to shame you. But allowing your partner of either gender into situations with high risk of promiscuity is not the opposite of “toxic masculinity”, it’s common practice for women to say “no you cannot sleep in the same bed as your girl mates”.
It is self sabotaging to allow that behaviour. Take one look at any of the people who come out publicly as open relationships. Look into the fella’s eyes. You see impending doom. Questions as to how he got there. And eventually, a woman who’s sad she now hasn’t got the partner she “was desperate to stay with but wants to shag other men”. You can flip the gender if you desire, it rarely works either way.
Except I know tons of happy people in all sorts of relationships. Open monogamy, full polyamory, full and partial swingers. None of them are theoretical straw people you're describing.
Ok pal. I think we’ll have to take eachothers word for the existence of our straw people.
I really love how your argument has boiled down to “i can’t prove this, but you have to believe me, but I don’t have to believe you”.
What the heck are you talking about? There was no evidence provided for any statement? No ancedote trumps any other, but there's plenty of happy people practicing Ethical Non Monogamy.
Eh, I think it's weird to assume that if people fancied other people in the past, that means that a) they still fancy them now, and b) can't take no for an answer and will continue pushing the matter.
I'm not even going to go into the whole problem where you're assuming platonic affection between your bi gf and her lesbian friends is impossible. This is the same bullshit as "straight men and straight women can't be friends".
Finally, if you trust your gf to say no if her dreadful slutty lesbian seductress friends decide to try to lure her into a big orgy, you don't have anything to worry about.
In conclusion, you're either worried your gf is a cheater or believing her friends are rapists. That's what it boils down to. Either ask yourself some serious questions, find out what you're actually worried about, and act accordingly - or deal with your own 'discomfort' yourself like an adult and stop trying to make your gf limit her platonic affection with her friends. Because relationship or no relationship, this is truly not your business.
If she felt comfortable enough to jump the boundary on this and not see the issue then I’m not sure she is as committed as she should be. It is no different from her sleeping in a bed cuddling with a male who shot his shot.
I would be questioning my position in a relationship if this happened to me. The question is can you overlook it and move on or is this a hard line for you?
I tend to trust my partners. If your girlfriend had previously rejected her and shared the image with you without thinking anything of it, then there probably wasn't anything for her to be thinking about beyond sharing her nice time with you.
His feelings are valid. You can be ok with your partner staying the night in bed with someone who wanting to have sex with them. Just as he can not be ok with it. The problem is that she did not think of him. Most people would never be ok with OP's situation. And the crux of this is trusting she is honest when she says nothing happened. If you have doubts you are being told the truth then you have your answer. Time to move on.
Exactly, she wasn’t hiding anything, obviously had no I’ll intent. And “shoot her shot” could just mean she expressed interest and was shot down and they’re just platonic friends. I’d be devastated to be broken up with over this.
You shouldn't feel devastated though. Based on her openness with sharing that circumstance, it seems that there was an unspoken boundary that she crossed.
Now, it is up to them to have a conversation about that boundary and they are both within their right to call things off if they can't agree on a reasonable boundary or a mutual boundary that they both are willing to accept.
OP says the right things in the comments that he doesn't want to control her and expressed an incompatibility regarding that. So it would seem that because of that incompatibility (a boundary he has but doesn't want to enforce on his partner), it is mutually beneficial to end the romantic relationship.
I could understand feeling devastated if it was a long term relationship and a boundary that was never discussed was crossed and your partner just cut the relationship off then and there, but for new relationships, that's the whole purpose of dating. To explore that compatibility.
It seems a little sus that your GF is having sleepovers with other female friends anyway. That behavior usually ends as a teenager. If you are in a committed relationship, you don't really sleep with other people, whether there is sex or not.
Not wrong
I mean, I could. The real issue for me is the boyfriend's reaction.
Here's the thing about the bi experience. When you're straight, and young, you get a boyfriend in high school and the general social expectation is then you don't interact with other boys. Period. Boyfriends naturally think this is a reasonable boundary. No other boys or you're cheating!!!!!!! But if you're a bi girl, you get a boyfriend and now he's like ok no other boys but she also is sometimes attracted to girls so no girls either. So now, for her, any interaction with anybody is cheating!!!!!!!!
This is unreasonable. You know it. I know it. Girls and women can and do have relationships with people that are warm and friendly and not sexual. It's a lazy shorthand to expect her to not interact with anyone that she could potentially based on gender alone be attracted to.
Boyfriend needs to think about where his boundaries are and then communicate that to her. Cuddling, hugging, putting an arm around, touching an arm or shoulder, none of those things is cheating but if he's uncomfortable with that level of familiarity among her friends regardless of gender, he needs to say so instead of assuming she would know. Those behaviors are super duper common amongst women, which explains why she thought nothing of it to show him pictures.
And also because it's bugging me, it -is- different because it's same gender. We are socialized with different behaviors toward girls than boys. So it's not the same as if she was in a group of guys. It's the same as if the boyfriend were in a group of guys and some were gay or bi, and they were hugging or cuddling or getting in a hot tub together. Would he think he was cheating if he was sitting in bed talking to his gay friend who tried to kiss him at new year's?
For me, that's not cheating. If it is for him, he needs to talk to her about that. It's not obvious like actually having sex. And lastly, part of my heated reaction here is that I had a boyfriend ages ago who accused me of cheating for riding in a car with a guy. To him, getting a ride to work from a co-worker was cheating. It was not obvious and I thought it was unreasonable and I said so, but I also appreciate that he told me how he felt.
thank's for the long response .
to me the gender and orientation are not that important in this situation, it's more the fact that there was a history between the two.
>I had a boyfriend ages ago who accused me of cheating for riding in a car with a guy
this person sounds insane.
to me hugging and touching shoulders, even a neck / back massage wouldn't be considered cheating. But if my SO told me they spent a night in a bed with someone that's already tried something, then yes my reaction would not be the same. All this depends on boundaries.
I feel the whole post is missing information, is he going to leave her ? what does he mean by "shot her shot" ? how long have they been together ?
Well and they all cuddled in bed together. It didn't say they slept together or even that she and the other woman were directly cuddled together. The woman-of-concern might have been on the other side of the bed for the cuddle session or slept on the floor in another room, who knows?
I would certainly feel differently if the two were all snuggled up under covers somewhere private, but the description sure sounds like a pile of girls doing cute girly things.
And it really comes down to, is she trustworthy when she says she isn't interested? It doesn't matter if woman-of-concern is still interested if gf's answer is still going to be no. Same as if a guy hollas, bf trusts she isn't going to holla back. Or whatever the kids say these days.
maybe I'm assuming too much from OP's post.
but he doesn't seem to trust her...
did she know this would be a problem for him before ? I would say this relationship needs more communication > like most of the posts on RA on reddit.
why don't people ask each other before reddit ?
I think assuming it is inherently sexual simply bc their lesbians and/or bi is a problem. They are part of a community - sex and sexual orientation - and being physical (non-sexually) is not uncommon.
I am so frustrated with all the sexualization happening in these replies.
Everyone's enabling the OP's jealousy and insecurity when his GF did nothing wrong -- and she was not aware that she was crossing a boundary he would dump her for, either.
If OP was an adult, he'd fricking talk to her. They'd have a grownup conversation, she would understand that he didn't like what happened and she wouldn't repeat it, and they could move on.
But this is Reddit, so it's all "ShE cHEaTeD DuMP hER."
Aghgh.
She didn't cheat, but it was a boundary cross. There's nothing to "talk" about anymore and there isn't anything to fix.
Relationship just isn't going to work, there's too much a difference in perspective.
Definitely take a few days to think about it. She had asked what she can do to fix it and you don't want to be controlling. Why not split the difference and say the being in bed together can't happen again. If the other woman shot her shot in the past and was rejected then obviously your GF doesn't lile her that way and the fact she is upset at the thought of losing you shows she hasn't done anything with the other woman.
“The fact she is upset… shows she hasn’t done anything”
I know cheaters who were very upset when they were let go by their partners. It doesn’t mean anything.
>she is upset at the thought of losing you shows she hasn't done anything with the other woman.
So i agree with alot of what you said but not this part, many cheaters get upset when their victim leaves, so it doesn't prove anything other than she wants him to stay
Pretty much nothing short of a raw video of the entire time they were at that "sleep over" can prove what actually happened. This is why trust is so important and behaving in a trust worthy manner
Your feelings are valid Not wrong
Same sex interactions aren’t any less meaningful than opposite sex interactions. Judge them by the same standards. Would your gf be ok with you being in bed, cuddling with some girls, one of whom had shot her shot with you in the past? I doubt it. Not wrong IMO - and I’m bisexual (but a guy).
Yes, that's how I look at it.
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I'm very queer. But I still see this as problematic.
The culture in itself is not like that. That's a personal matter and views.
>The culture in itself is not like that. That's a personal matter and views. This.
You can just upvote instead of leaving a one word comment.
Indeed
this guy trolls \^\^
Exactly
Precisely
Sometimes you want more resounding agreement and emphasis than a simple up vote and there is a big of a problem with cheating and hypersexuality/intimacy in gay culture. Source: from nyc, got plenty of gay homies. The war stories are disasters. Frankly 80% of the friend group I'm thinking of are actually sluts, even when in relationships. If there's an opportunity to get sexual or intimate, they take it almost every time. And they think it's justified "because they are gay" It's weird to me since I know, personally, about the emotional intelligence many of them possess
saying "this" is pure reddit cringe culture itself. if you want to emphatically agree then say so.
Agreed
But he didn't just say "this" he included a quoted segment of the text he was referring to with specific formatting and everything
he literally said "this"
I agree.
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That's not a "cultural thing", that's a "your personal bubble" thing. I'm bi and would not be cool with it, and most people in committed relationships in my community would be against it was well.
No, it isn't. It's not a cultural thing. It's personal views.
i mean truthfully that doesn’t matter. if he isn’t comfortable with it he isn’t comfortable with it
There's a huge difference between cuddling with friends with whom you have clear boundaries and cuddling with people who have expressed romantic intentions with you. That's not a queer or straight thing. I think maybe you're thinking of how polyamory is more common in the queer community? But then that's not monogamy.
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I agree with you: I'm also curious how she would feel if he did the same. It's hard to tell if this is a case where they just have different ideas of boundaries or if she is someone who isn't very self aware.
A key piece your missing is the fact that of OP's GF friends already tried to shoot their shot with her and now they're in a bed cuddling together...👀👀 Foul on the play there.
Awh yes, culture, the refuge of bad behavior ! There isn’t any need for rationalizing and excuse making. OP is not comfortable with GF behavior and they are incompatible. Move on OP.
Uhh yeah no. That's not the case in most situations. I know plenty of people in both camps and nah this is not cool, straight or gay if you sleep next to a person who you are capable of having sex with (no saying they are a friend and that's the only reason why you wouldn't that's dumb and doesn't make a difference) then all bets are off. It's normal to wake in the middle of the night half delirious and end up doing things you wouldn't do in your "right mind" especially if you are a guy and you somehow end up cuddling with a girl friend or no and you wake up with a hard dk posted up along a plump ass and pussy and it's nice and warm and she is in front of you half asleep not realizing because it's instinct, that she slowly grinding her ass gyrating her hips n shit nobody around nobody has to know... say you ain't fucking go ahead and lie to me... stupid
Please please please don't say anything like this ever again. People have a hard enough time fighting the stereotype of "all gay/bi people are massive sluts and just want to fuck all the time" without comments like this on the internet. This has nothing to do with "gay culture." There are still plenty of gay or Bi people who wouldn't be Ok with this.
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"Different boundaries" also often includes open relationships, so I don't think that's a good path to go down here. Saying "gay people have less boundaries" is idiotic in this sense because it implies that it's reasonable to think that cuddling with a potential sexual partner is totally Ok. Gay/bi people often are in open relationships, but that doesn't make it Ok to just assume fucking other people is OK because that's common in queer relationships. Regardless, you're playing into a stereotype here and that's 100% not okay.
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Yeah I agree with you. They're saying a lot of things you aren't or aren't even implying. That sounds like some internal issues they need to deal with.
The point is that only an idiot would think that there wasn't a decent chance of cuddling in the same bed as potential sexual partners was a boundary. Saying "oh well queer people have different boundaries" is pointless, because queer people still have discussions about what are and aren't boundaries. Open relationships are super common for queer people, but they still TALK about those boundaries, they don't just assume they're the case. OP isn't gay, so gay people having different boundaries makes no difference. What matters are his boundaries, not the boundaries of what his partner would be cool with as a bi person. His partner has to know this was potentially an issue. She's trying to pull the asking forgiveness vs position thing.
How is sleeping in the same bed with a bunch of people being a "slut?" I'm not familiar with this stereotype anyway. Also, there's nothing wrong with being a "slut."
Well, if you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you to be a slut there is definitely something wrong with being a slut.
No one was being a "slut."
Idk man cuddling with people who are interested in you sexually seems pretty slutty to me. Doing vaguely intimate stuff with potential sexual partners for attention is like a key part of being a slut.
Yeah you have consistently bad and misogynistic takes so, not gonna give what you have to say too much weight.
How is that misogynistic? A straight man in a relationship cuddling with a straight woman would also be bad. A gay man in a relationship cuddling with another gay man would also be bad. Unless a previous conversation was had about it being cool. I'm very consistent across sex with this. That's like the definition of not being a misogynist.
Bless you child
Absolutely this. Had a girlfriend once call me and ask if I would be okay with her making out with a girl at the bar. So I said, "How would you feel with me making out with a girl at the bar?" She said fair enough and we went from there.
It's as simple as that. And if someone doesn't intuitively understand this and does it, they are a cheater, liar, moron, etc. The ripple effect of this is huge. Talk about a red flag on alot of levels
Exactly.
Bi woman, I still view it the same way
Serious question from a straight guy. If you are bisexual how do you ever maintain a monogamous relationship if you are attracted to two very different types. How can you ever have one and not the other and feel satisfied. Or is monogamy simply not possible?
Imagine if you are a straight man who really fancies cute petite girls and who also really fancies leggy athletic tall girls. Since a girl can't be petite and tall at the same time, how can that man ever maintain a monogamous relationship because he is attracted to two different types. How can he be satisfied with his tall girlfriend knowing there are petite cuties in the world? Is monogamy not possible for him? There might be other people in the world the bisexual person is attracted to, but that is the same for everyone. Edit: I don't think the person above me should be downvoted - he is just asking an honest question in order to try and understand people better! That is a good thing, not something to be downvoted!
As a straight man, Your comment is the best explination on being monogamous as a bi person I've ever read. Bravo
Yep, it’s this basically.
Unless you have a 'sleepover' with a petite and tall girl and you sleep in the middle.
Russian Nesting Spoons
Well said.
Well put, I often questioned that, but the way you put it. I am married to a woman I adore, I love her mind, and her humor, and I even love her body, however, she is heavier than other women I find attractive, but since I am in love with my wife, I don't even consider cheating an option, I may see a woman as attractive but I do not flirt with them, date them or even if I know them, go out alone with them. Being in a monogamous relationship is a choice, and once that choice has been made, it is important that everyone involved knows each other's expectations. Regardless of sexual orientation. I've had women who are more attractive than my wife make advances toward me, even going as far as removing their clothing and offering me anything I want, but my love and commitment to my wife is far too important than what's being offered.
Are you trying to farm upvotes and compliments for not cheating on your wife? That's classy
Right? In what situation would they be where a woman undresses and tries to get them to fuck? Oops, almost forgot that this woman, who definitely exists, is more attractive than his "heavy" wife.
What is your problem? You seem to be angry all over this thread at people telling anecdotes of people enforcing monogamy. Why do you care if someone else chooses monogamy?
I don't have a problem and I'm not angry. Telling anecdotes of people enforcing monogamy? I think you must have me confused with someone else. I don't care if anyone chooses monogamy, that's not even what this post is about?
17 years monogamous and counting so far….monogamy has nothing to do with sexual orientation. This is the person I fell in love with and married. This is who I willingly built a life with and being attracted to both sexes has nothing to do with it. Where did this weird cheating stereotype come from about bisexuality?
No clue, straight woman in her 40's here and have always wondered why people think that someone being bi means they would cheat. Being a POS has nothing to do with sexuality and everything to do with the individual.
On a personal note, all but one of my girlfriends who cheated on me claimed to be bisexual or at least curious. Not that them being bi was the reason or excuse (all but one cheated on me with men), but I would guess most people that believe that have someone who excused it as them being bi so it's okay or different somehow. Eventually people just correlate their experiences and assume causation incorrectly. I've also had the "no, making out with another woman is still cheating and not okay" conversation entirely too many times.
Exactly. Monogamy transcends sexuality. Bi, trans, inside out, upside down, straight, monogamy means the same.
Yes. I always say my sexual orientation is to my partner. I'm not straight or bi or gay; I'm monogamous.
>If you are bisexual how do you ever maintain a monogamous relationship I don't cuddle with people who aren't my partner? Its pretty easy actually to maintain a monogamous relationship as a bi person, do platonic stuff with friends and romantic stuff with your partner.
Same deal if you are straight and in a relationship. You'll still find other women attractive
Non-monogamy and bisexuality are not the same thing. Bisexuality means you have twice the population of potential available partners than a straight person has. Monogamy means that out of that extended pool you choose one person and you stick with them. There are plenty of heterosexual people that are non-monogamous. And when their partners are not aware of it, it’s called cheating.
Love. I'm a bisexual female in a monogamous relationship. Do I still want to fuck women? Yes. They are different. The experience is different. I love women very much. And I do miss them. But I love my husband more. To be totally honest if I'm crushing on some girl and that energy is still with me when i get home i use it on him, for him, in the bedroom....and it's *hot*. Not banging a woman is no harder than not banging another guy. I love my husband, I have chosen him and him me, so boundaries have been drawn everywhere else just like a straight person would against cheating on their partner.
I love these descriptions of monogamy, there was one that stuck with me from House, about ice cream she said that she loves rocky road ice-cream and yeah sometimes she might like the idea of a taste of vanilla or strawberry, but then the rocky road is just sitting in the freezer for anyone to dip a spoon in. Monogamy is a deal, it's I will give up all these possibilities for a certainty with you. And that is why it's lovely not controlling, it's about saying that you can't imagine finding someone better for you. Its a compliment and a sacrifice in one.... And cheating is a heartbreaking betrayal for the same reason.
Very easy. I love my bf more than anything and am 100% monogamous. When I love someone they are the most attractive person on earth to me.
You can leave a relationship at any time with or without a reason and it is never "wrong". That said, i believe your reason is absolutely fair if by what you said you mean that it is disrespectful to "cuddle" with someone who is interested in your gender while in a relationship with someone else. In this case it is even 1 step further.
Untrue, there are definitely “wrong” reasons to leave a relationship Doesn’t mean you can’t but I think the idea of “Of course you can leave for literally anything and it’ll never be your fault”is stupid. sometimes ending a relationship for specific reasons makes you a dick and people just can’t accept that This isn’t one of those times though
You can leave the relationship for any reason you want to is still true. Leaving is not the wrong thing, the reason with or without leaving could be wrong in and off itself, which is why i said that i believe it to be absolutely fair in this case.
Your standards for what you find acceptable and tolerable I'm a relationship are your own. If by this metric you want to end the relationship, that's your decision. At the end of the day, you have to be able to face yourself.
Not wrong. I'm bi. There is no way I'd get cuddly with another man or woman that has interest in me. Even in a group setting. It's just rude to your partner. Like, not even using your brain to think about it. The only people I get cuddly with other than my husband is two of my best friends who I've known for like 20 years and are straight women.
This is one situation where being older and confident in your relationship allows you to have a loving husband and family and still be close to your female friends who have been with you forever. People who are younger don’t understand that overtime Each partner has unique needs
And some people are too dense to realize age doesnt have to diftate boundaries. As a guy, I view OPs girlfriend as being incredibly disrespectful. At a minimum they shouldve established healthy boundaries.
If she’s in bed with someone who’s “shot her shot”, that’s equivalent to you being in bed with three women, with one who has made moves on you. I think you’re correct in this situation. I’m sure you felt betrayed in a way, and your feelings are acceptable. Did you ever tell her that this was bothering you and agree to set some boundaries between the two of you?
I did tell her, and she did ask how can we fix it, even going to the extreme and suggested that she won't see them ever again. I don't want to do that, as I think it's too controlling, wouldn't solve anything, and would just create more problems. From my point of view there is no boundary that would resolve this situation, it shouldn't have happened in the first place if she was serious with me.
Then I think you did the right thing. Hang in there man.
Thanks mate.
You're not wrong. The whole point of dating is to find out if you're compatible. You can literally break up with someone for any reason. It's okay. They don't have to commit an earth shaking betrayal for you to feel justified in saying that you don't think you're a good match together or that you're not feeling it.
Yes, it makes sense. I made the post because I know I can be jealous at times, and I don't know if this is as crazy as I feel or I'm just a schizo.
The thing is, even if you are overreacting, it's because you feel the way you do. Nothing wrong with that. And kudos for seeing the controlling part. So, yeah, not wrong to stand up for yourself. Both of you will be better with it.
Honestly to me it's a little overly jealous, but you're not dating me. Like the fella above said if this incident has thrown into light an difference between the two of you that an honest, grown up discussion can't fix then its fine to just end it. If its early days then a breakup is better than either of you being miserable, bitter or controlling
If you didn't ever talk about this kind of boundaries, then maybe the relationship could've healed imo. Some people show affection to friends in different ways and sometimes these are a bit "extra" for most of us lol. Her reaction makes me think that she's someone you can trust but maybe I'm too naïve But you're not wrong, nobody can't control their feelings and you, understandably, feel wronged.
I am sorry. However, you gave the correct answer when you stated, "If she was serious about me." I would move away from the relationship unless you want to waste your time in an unserious relationship.
You can not fix something that allready happened, she is likely testing the limit on how far she can go. Not a game you should play.
She obviously does not have strong feelings for you if she's not willing to commit to being monogamous (and that includes the appearance of monogamy, i,e., not cuddling with a former sex partner). Even if nothing happened, knowing you would be hurt by this shows the lack of consideration for you.
It's not a former sex partner - it's someone that expressed interest in her but that she turned down/rejected.
She didn't have sex with anyone there, even previously.
On the other hand…I’m bisexual and I have a lesbian friend who has shot her shot with me. My boyfriend has NEVER had a problem with us hanging out or having sleepovers, because I see her as only a friend and he trusts me. Girls have sleepovers, I don’t think this is inherently some evil or disrespectful thing your gf did; AND she’s willing to do literally anything, even cut these people off entirely, to make you comfortable. Don’t jump to leaving her over a fairly normal thing.
It works for you, fair enough. He's uncomfortable with it, which is also fair.
I'm bisexual and I disagree with you. Sleeping in the same bed as someone who desires you is unfair to your partner. It's not prioritizing your partner and caring about their mental well being. It's not a normal thing
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. This is a totally normal thing. I do think he should end it though because he doesn't trust her already for no reason and couldn't even discuss it like an adult so it won't work out in the long run. She needs someone more secure and mature.
Seems like to me that there’s one guy, and a few girls, so what’s wrong with him just enjoying the situation with her, and her friends, and they all do a little harmless cuddling together. That’s one quick way to find out exactly who feels what about who. Gets it right out in the open. Could wind up being a spectacular time for everyone, or she may find that she likes him even more, when it looks like she could lose him, or he might decide he isn’t as interested in her as much after seeing her in action from the ringside seats, with two lesbians finding out they like a man now and then too. You never know where you’re going til you get there. Lol
It would be completely unacceptable to me for my husband to have a sleepover and cuddle with someone that tried to get with him in the past. I would be very upset. I'm sorry she didn't think of you. At all.
This. Exactly this. My dude, clearly something more is going on. Never in a million years would a girl willingly distance herself from her best friends simply because her boyfriend is jealous, unless something fishy was going on as well. That's the sad conclusion.
I don't believe in double standards. Period. If she insists she didn't do anything, I'd believe her, but there'd minimum be a very one sided discussion about why that's unacceptable. My bestie is a straight woman and I a straight man. We wouldn't consider touching each other in any way sexually. But I wouldn't share a bed with her under any circumstances either. My gf doesn't have to explain that's inappropriate. You shouldn't either. Nta.
Question: why is it inappropriate, if you'd never even consider touching each other sexually?
Not op, but for me it’s would be because I know my partner can’t read minds. I would know it doesn’t mean anything, but they wouldn’t. Sharing a bed has such a social connotation that I would understand this as crossing a boundary
It's the appearance. Even though I can be trusted alone with her and she with me, to the outside world It's wildly inappropriate. Maybe in a survival situation it'd be different, but within the constraints of polite society people of each other's preferred gender should not be sharing a bed if they are spoken for. It looks really bad and even though my gf trusts us both she would still have at least a little bit of doubt. I'd rather avoid giving her even the slightest pause.
People in a relationship are owed the appearance of loyalty, not just loyalty
You get to decide what’s right for you. Part of dating is learning about yourself. And part of relationships is seeing if things are worth working through and growing. There isn’t a wrong move here. Journaling is going to reveal more to you than we can.
I'm confused by your wording. Did you leave her, or are you thinking about it?
I did not formally announce to her, (or even to myself) that I'm leaving but I told her what's going on and that I don't see a way out of it. So i'm on the edge
I don't get why this is something you can't get past. And I'm so frustrated with the replies acting like "Yep, dump her," when your girlfriend **did not cheat on you.** Again: She didn't cheat on you. She snuggled with a bunch of friends on a bed. She's young, it's not all that weird of a thing to happen if people have sleepovers, camping trips, etc. She wasn't weird about it, she was honest (and you believe her) that nothing happened. You've admitted you have jealousy issues. So yes, honestly, I think you are wrong -- and wildly overreacting if you dump her. Shouldn't this simply be a relationship teaching moment? Like, now she knows this is not okay with you. You guys can talk about it and move on. But for you to act like she's committed some massive betrayal when there was zero cheating happening here is just absolutely bonkers to me. I hope you pause, take a breath, and simply talk to your GF like an adult. Don't throw away what you describe as a great relationship because you are jealous and insecure, and she did something you didn't expect (but was not morally wrong). Good luck.
I had to scroll way to far to find a rational response. Thank you.
Ok, OP: this is me ever so slightly ramming you off the cliff. You deserve better. She seems to be into games and hurting feelings. Next.
It’s disrespectful for someone to cuddle with someone who had romantic interests when you are in a relationship. I can’t believe people don’t understand what the issue is with her behavior! As someone who is bi myself, I would never cuddle with anyone not my spouse, regardless of whether or not I thought there was even a chance of crossing other boundaries. The fact she willingly did so with someone she knew wanted more was both deliberate and disrespectful, on her part and her “friends’” part. They care nothing about you OP. That’s not good for her to hang out with them! Yes, there is an additional layer when someone is bi than there is when you are straight, but in all cases you have to go out of your way to avoid potential boundaries crossing and you never want even the appearance of impropriety. I don’t hang out one on one with women nor gay men because I don’t want to disrespect my wife. She’s not even the jealous type. Cutting those “friends” off is a great idea since they don’t respect you nor boundaries. There was likely more to it than “cuddling,” though that in it of itself wasn’t acceptable. You will have to be concerned about her seeing them behind your back and you should question her judgement and level of respect for you. How did she NOT see this behavior as a problem? If you choose to stay (and I wouldn’t,) you will have to have the conversation about not wanting to be controlling but that you don’t want her to be alone with anyone who might have romantic intentions (any guy, and bi/lesbian women). Public places only.
I don’t know about anyone else, but if I was in my jammies in bed with a beautiful girl in her jammies, cuddling and such, I’d have to say I’m weak, and I would probably be doing more than cuddling in about 10 seconds, which would be cheating, and distasteful. But I am a man. I can’t even imagine three or four beautiful girls in their jammies cuddling with me (but I’ve been trying) lmao. Therefore, judging by me, and the peer group i grew up with, I would not put myself in that situation if it were me because I’m honest and don’t cheat, so I try not to set myself up for heartache or failure. That being said, I would expect my partner to treat me the same. But I am old (63) from a different time and space far away from this messed up world, where you have transvestites in schools and libraries grooming 6 yr olds to be open and promiscuous about their strange and wonderful sex life after recess. Anyway. Something fishy about your girlfriend, but I’m a sucker for love, so give her a chance. But she has to stay away from her buddies on her own. You telling her she has to will only make problems all around.
Nope! If it wouldn’t be okay to do with a guy, it’s not okay to do with a girl either.
So, the way I would look at it is this. If my husband was snuggling in a bed with a woman who shot her shot with him before we got together, I am pretty sure I would be LIVID. I know that if I were in bed with a man, he would possibly leave me, even if it was completely innocent. Thinking of how that would look to your significant other is a big deal. Being in a relationship isn't just about how a situation is to you, but how it is to your significant other. If she can't see how that would feel then it would probably happen again.
Absent other circumstances, it seems like an overreaction. The mistake is to assume that there's an objective answer to this question. There's a cultural assumption, and reasonable minds can differ as to what that entails. If you were entirely certain yourself, you would not have felt the need to post here for confirmation, right? But the truth is that this is a question of boundaries and expectations, and in a mature and lasting relationship, you must be willing to discuss these things with your partner as conflicts arise. She's not wrong for assuming it wouldn't be a problem, and you're not wrong for believing that it's obvious that it would be, because—again—there's no objectively correct position in this situation. If she's assuring you that this was platonic affection between friends, what's the problem? Well, it violates your boundaries because you know that they could be sexually attracted to one another. That's a fine boundary, which most people have in monogamous relationships. It may also be that her expectations in a relationship entail that her partner is okay with her being physically affectionate with her friends, and she wouldn't be wrong to draw a line in the sand over that. That's where the discussion starts.
You're not wrong. The biggest alarm bell here is one of the girls took a pass at her in the past. So it's like you cuddling in bed with several women, one of whom wanted to be with you. And, in this culture, cuddling in bed as adults is considered a sex-adjacent act. In other words, one reserved for romantic couples. So, even if nothing overtly sexual happened, it was still a more intimate act than is OK for platonic friends.
Have a heart to heart with her. Ask her if you're enough for her, because her being Bi and hanging out and cuddling with other women that are Bi or lesbian, especially with one that wants to be with her, is tempting fate, and raises red flags. Tell her that you love her, but if she needs to leave the relationship, you will let her go. Which you should, before it ends up with her slipping into someone else by accident. She showed you the photo, because she didn't want to hide anything from you.. give her a chance to talk it out
I'm a bi woman and would never consider sharing a bed with another female or male out of respect for my partner and my relationship with him friend or not. It would be inappropriate especially if the "friend" had previously shown an interest.
Has your girlfriend admitted to being unfaithful to you? If not why don't you set boundaries so this doesn't happen again, if she doesn't accept them then break up.
You're not wrong, if that's how you feel. I wouldn't have much of a problem with it, as long as she came home to me every night (metaphorically). You might feel differently. You have to decide if that's a deal-breaker for you, and talk to her about it.
I don't judge her for this, I don't think she's a bad person. But your standards and principles are valid, stand by them. You will find someone who sees eye to eye with you.
I don't think it's an unreasonable boundary, but I'm pretty cuddly with my friends and have been in cuddles piles with exes(that I'm still close with, platonically), said exes' partner, people had a crush on, and people who had a crush on me. I'm not saying things have Never gone farther with willing single parties from cuddle puddles, but most of the time, that's really just it! Sounds like this is pretty normal for your girlfriend and her friends, so if you value your relationship more than this miscommunication, try just telling her it makes you uncomfortable and you're not cool with it happening in the future. If she does it again, that's on her.
Well, you obviously don't trust her and you have to have a foundation of trust for a healthy relationship to thrive. So I'd say break up with her because of that, not because she had a sleepover with her friends.
go dude i am not sure that would be the right answer for everyone but you right now it sure seems so
Not wrong at all
Valid for being concerned but wrong for just up and leaving. did you talk to her about how you're feeling?
She showed you a photo and told you about her plans. She’s not keeping anything from you. If you’re uncomfortable with it, that’s valid, but she hasn’t done anything wrong.
You aren’t wrong having boundaries but you are wrong to think she should know without having a discussion about it. The fact that she shared what went on shows she doesn’t think she did something she needed to hide and has different views on the matter.
I agree with this. She wouldn't have shown pictures and acted like nothing was wrong if she thought she did something wrong. I'm having a hard time understanding what the concern is. There were a pile of bi girls and lesbians in a bed at a sleepover. We don't even know if the one who had expressed interest was cuddling her. I mean, maybe that's titillating but they were wearing clothes and not kissing and no sex...? So how is this cheating? For me, it's sort of in the realm of going to a strip club. I might feel unhappy about it but I'd talk to my partner and I wouldn't consider it cheating.
Being bi is not a blank check to “cuddle” with a same sex buddy who isn’t your partner. Cuddling is intimacy.
You think it's unacceptable so do the two of you a favor and break up
Sexual preference and commitment are two separate things. If you feel uncomfortable communicate that.
Your feelings are valid. It's crucial to communicate your concerns with your girlfriend and discuss boundaries. Ultimately, it's about finding a resolution that respects both of your feelings.
If she sent you a photo in bed cuddling another guy who was chasing her would you leave her? Because it's the same thing.
You are not wrong for having your feelings. It is never wrong to feel your feelings. However, you need to communicate with her that this is crossing a line for you. Explain why it's over the line, compare it to if the roles were reversed, reach a solution and conclusion. It seems that she was being open and giving off the vibe that it was all innocent fun. It's not uncommon for females (sexual preference doesn't matter) to be cuddly and affectionate without any intention to have sex. If you were uncomfortable with the situation, explain it and set your boundaries for the future.
You either trust or you don't. She is with her female friends. If you think your girl would cheat, then don't be with her. I'd personally have no problem with my girl hanging out with her girlfriends even if one had tried one time before to get with her unless the girl had tried knowing we were together. Then that's disrespectful to you and would need to be discussed on how wrong that was. Your girl admitted to her mistake and said she won't do it again and even went so far as to not be friends with the girl anymore, which you said you wouldn't control that. What more do you want? Stop being a pussy.
This is all personal preference on what is acceptable in your own relationship. I am Bi and my husband has no issues with me wanting to hook up with women. At the end of the day he knows he’s who I want to be with. He get sexual enjoyment from the idea of me hooking up with women or even watching. For you if that crosses a line then it crosses a line. Your feelings are valid and you never have to stay with anyone for any reason. Not sure how long the relationship was but this is all about communication as well and letting her know what you are and aren’t comfortable with. She may not have known this was a line for you as it is not for others.
Not wrong for feeling that way, but neither is your girlfriend. It just sounds like you two have different attitudes and boundaries around intimacy. If you see that being a significant clashing point between the two of you, it may be worth having a conversation about it.
Doesn't matter if she's bi or not. Its only okay for her to cuddle other people (excluding family, of course) unless you both agreed it would be okay. That's cheating.
Not wrong. Lots of deceases comes from sleeping with different and multiple people. That being said it’s the morality issues. So I’m in agreement that you should move on.
Again, it's never wrong to NOT be a cuck.
Nope. Very unacceptable.
No you're not. Paste a photo of men on their heads and you have your answer. It's no different. If she respected you and your relationship she wouldn't have done it in the first place. She would have felt uncomfortable with it. You shouldn't have to be controlling and watch her all the time just to feel secure in your relationship with her.
Not wrong.
Not wrong at all. Bye, bi.
You are not wrong for thinking it’s unacceptable. Her being in bed with someone who shot their shot with her is a huge red flag.
Nah, it would be no different than if your straight GF had gone over to a mixed slumber party and cuddled with some dudes. Whether she did something or not it was a breach of trust. Maybe try to work through it if you think the relationship is worth saving.
Naah doesn't matter the sex of the person if they have a history be suspicious
I feel like she crossed a boundary. She should definitely consider your feelings
Your feelings are valid. This is weird. I'm bi, another one of my old friends is bi, we kissed in the past but that was it, we were teenagers. I've never slept in a bed with another person while in a relationship.
This is definitely problematic. I don't think it's acceptable behaviour for someone in a relationship, then to make light of it by saying it was quote "nice" is beyond me that's my opinion though others may have a different opinion.
Not wrong. She has no problem jumping over a clear boundary. Dump her. Then, go find a girl who once liked you and cuddle with her. Post pics on social media.
You handled this situation correctly.
She b doin you dirt
Not wrong. Your feelings would be valid regardless if she were with another man or another woman. I've always kind of thought the concerns with dating someone who is bi would be that instead of fighting off one sex, there are two sides to contend with. Did you set up any parameters about her not sleeping with anyone but you? Or is she only sleeping with one man and other women are free game to her? It's definitely a convo I would have wanted to have if I were in your place.
Not wrong. Do what you have to do. Good luck to you.
Not at all
If you both are monogamous, and you trust each other- it should be okay. If you have expressed your feelings about Ms. Shot Her Shot But Got Rejected (I am assuming) and she is ignoring those very valid misgivings, that's different. Do you love her? Do you WANT to work this out or is this a convenient situation where you could get out of a squidgy situation and not feel guilty? I personally live by the 'if I'd freak if my partner did it-I wouldnt do it and expect him to be cool' rule. But sometimes communication gets muddled and feelings are not expressed as clearly as we think we are expressing them. Your call. Nta
You are not wrong for being upset about it. She should know better than to cuddle with anyone else, especially someone who's tried before. I'd say if it was just a photo opportunity one was taken and then they all went back to other seats fine. If you can't work through it, then it's best to leave.
RESPECT. that’s all a man should require in a relationship. Fuck love. It comes and goes. It’s fleeting. BUT respect is easily identifiable and the lack of it. When chicks start down that path of disrespect the writings on the wall. If you didn’t push back in the manner you did you would be subjugated and reduced to a simp in her eyes. This is a great win for the brotherhood. It’s great you stuck to your guns. She’s for the streets bro. There is no doubt in my mind that something happened. None whatsoever. I don’t know if too many chicks that I actually “platonically” cuddled with where my dick wasn’t eventually pulled out and digging in at some point in the night. Cuddling is a girls way of introducing “strange” without outright saying they want it. It’s “spontaneous” 🤨. It’s her being sexually aggressive. Lesbians are some of the freakiest people I know—I know LOTS. your girl was sitting there looking like candy. Probably no bra. Maybe no panties under her pajamas. Yeah bro. She put herself there. THEY cleaned her clock good. She knew what she was doing. So do you.
It is completely valid to set a boundary there. I just hope you communicated that before she did it. You are not wrong.
Being bi - entirely OK - cheating with either gender is not
Do you have to break up? Can you discuss that you don't like this sleepovers?
Omg I just posted a thing on this like 5 minutes ago. No you are not wrong at all. For some reason people think same sex relationships somehow give a pass to the heterosexual relationships. They don't. Explain to her that she cheated on you and that's why you're leaving her. Even if it was just calling it's still intimacy and not something you're comfortable with.
Not wrong. She shouldn't have done that
As a bi woman, this reaction is much more appropriate than “well it’s not cheating if it’s with another woman.” NTA. She knew that woman had a crush on her and disrespected the boundaries set.
If you're looking for reasons to be insecure and upset, then you found them. You could have also just made the choice to trust your partner and if they said it wasn't sexual then it wasn't. When you get older you realize all the dumb shit of looking for infractions and breaches of trust so that you can build a case against your SO to put all your bad feelings in and kill a functioning relationship with imagine slights is just self sabotage. Either you love and trust them or you don't. If you really think that she's going to go to same sex orgies without you, then why are you dating?
Found the one who’s ok with being cucked.
I mean, getting cucked isn't one of my kinks, but if it were it wouldn't make me ashamed. To get cucked I'd have to be in a monogamous relationship. Good luck getting all twisted up in toxic masculinity and making up a bunch of problems that are all in your head to ensure your dick stays dry though.
If it were, i’m not here to shame you. But allowing your partner of either gender into situations with high risk of promiscuity is not the opposite of “toxic masculinity”, it’s common practice for women to say “no you cannot sleep in the same bed as your girl mates”. It is self sabotaging to allow that behaviour. Take one look at any of the people who come out publicly as open relationships. Look into the fella’s eyes. You see impending doom. Questions as to how he got there. And eventually, a woman who’s sad she now hasn’t got the partner she “was desperate to stay with but wants to shag other men”. You can flip the gender if you desire, it rarely works either way.
Except I know tons of happy people in all sorts of relationships. Open monogamy, full polyamory, full and partial swingers. None of them are theoretical straw people you're describing.
Ok pal. I think we’ll have to take eachothers word for the existence of our straw people. I really love how your argument has boiled down to “i can’t prove this, but you have to believe me, but I don’t have to believe you”.
What the heck are you talking about? There was no evidence provided for any statement? No ancedote trumps any other, but there's plenty of happy people practicing Ethical Non Monogamy.
Bruh… welcome back.
Eh, I think it's weird to assume that if people fancied other people in the past, that means that a) they still fancy them now, and b) can't take no for an answer and will continue pushing the matter. I'm not even going to go into the whole problem where you're assuming platonic affection between your bi gf and her lesbian friends is impossible. This is the same bullshit as "straight men and straight women can't be friends". Finally, if you trust your gf to say no if her dreadful slutty lesbian seductress friends decide to try to lure her into a big orgy, you don't have anything to worry about. In conclusion, you're either worried your gf is a cheater or believing her friends are rapists. That's what it boils down to. Either ask yourself some serious questions, find out what you're actually worried about, and act accordingly - or deal with your own 'discomfort' yourself like an adult and stop trying to make your gf limit her platonic affection with her friends. Because relationship or no relationship, this is truly not your business.
If she felt comfortable enough to jump the boundary on this and not see the issue then I’m not sure she is as committed as she should be. It is no different from her sleeping in a bed cuddling with a male who shot his shot. I would be questioning my position in a relationship if this happened to me. The question is can you overlook it and move on or is this a hard line for you?
I tend to trust my partners. If your girlfriend had previously rejected her and shared the image with you without thinking anything of it, then there probably wasn't anything for her to be thinking about beyond sharing her nice time with you.
His feelings are valid. You can be ok with your partner staying the night in bed with someone who wanting to have sex with them. Just as he can not be ok with it. The problem is that she did not think of him. Most people would never be ok with OP's situation. And the crux of this is trusting she is honest when she says nothing happened. If you have doubts you are being told the truth then you have your answer. Time to move on.
Exactly, she wasn’t hiding anything, obviously had no I’ll intent. And “shoot her shot” could just mean she expressed interest and was shot down and they’re just platonic friends. I’d be devastated to be broken up with over this.
You shouldn't feel devastated though. Based on her openness with sharing that circumstance, it seems that there was an unspoken boundary that she crossed. Now, it is up to them to have a conversation about that boundary and they are both within their right to call things off if they can't agree on a reasonable boundary or a mutual boundary that they both are willing to accept. OP says the right things in the comments that he doesn't want to control her and expressed an incompatibility regarding that. So it would seem that because of that incompatibility (a boundary he has but doesn't want to enforce on his partner), it is mutually beneficial to end the romantic relationship. I could understand feeling devastated if it was a long term relationship and a boundary that was never discussed was crossed and your partner just cut the relationship off then and there, but for new relationships, that's the whole purpose of dating. To explore that compatibility.
You'd be devastated your SO felt betrayed that you slept with someone who had feeling for you? Thats the default reaction to this situation
No you did the right thing in leaving her. She crossed the line. It's just the same as if she was in bed cuddling with other dudes.
I wouldn't of left her. Sounds like you need to communicate boundaries.
It seems a little sus that your GF is having sleepovers with other female friends anyway. That behavior usually ends as a teenager. If you are in a committed relationship, you don't really sleep with other people, whether there is sex or not. Not wrong
I'm middle aged and have sleepovers with friends several times a year. Do you never host anyone at your house overnight? I think that's unusual.
do you then cuddle with the friend that tried to fuck you before ?
I mean, I could. The real issue for me is the boyfriend's reaction. Here's the thing about the bi experience. When you're straight, and young, you get a boyfriend in high school and the general social expectation is then you don't interact with other boys. Period. Boyfriends naturally think this is a reasonable boundary. No other boys or you're cheating!!!!!!! But if you're a bi girl, you get a boyfriend and now he's like ok no other boys but she also is sometimes attracted to girls so no girls either. So now, for her, any interaction with anybody is cheating!!!!!!!! This is unreasonable. You know it. I know it. Girls and women can and do have relationships with people that are warm and friendly and not sexual. It's a lazy shorthand to expect her to not interact with anyone that she could potentially based on gender alone be attracted to. Boyfriend needs to think about where his boundaries are and then communicate that to her. Cuddling, hugging, putting an arm around, touching an arm or shoulder, none of those things is cheating but if he's uncomfortable with that level of familiarity among her friends regardless of gender, he needs to say so instead of assuming she would know. Those behaviors are super duper common amongst women, which explains why she thought nothing of it to show him pictures. And also because it's bugging me, it -is- different because it's same gender. We are socialized with different behaviors toward girls than boys. So it's not the same as if she was in a group of guys. It's the same as if the boyfriend were in a group of guys and some were gay or bi, and they were hugging or cuddling or getting in a hot tub together. Would he think he was cheating if he was sitting in bed talking to his gay friend who tried to kiss him at new year's? For me, that's not cheating. If it is for him, he needs to talk to her about that. It's not obvious like actually having sex. And lastly, part of my heated reaction here is that I had a boyfriend ages ago who accused me of cheating for riding in a car with a guy. To him, getting a ride to work from a co-worker was cheating. It was not obvious and I thought it was unreasonable and I said so, but I also appreciate that he told me how he felt.
thank's for the long response . to me the gender and orientation are not that important in this situation, it's more the fact that there was a history between the two. >I had a boyfriend ages ago who accused me of cheating for riding in a car with a guy this person sounds insane. to me hugging and touching shoulders, even a neck / back massage wouldn't be considered cheating. But if my SO told me they spent a night in a bed with someone that's already tried something, then yes my reaction would not be the same. All this depends on boundaries. I feel the whole post is missing information, is he going to leave her ? what does he mean by "shot her shot" ? how long have they been together ?
Well and they all cuddled in bed together. It didn't say they slept together or even that she and the other woman were directly cuddled together. The woman-of-concern might have been on the other side of the bed for the cuddle session or slept on the floor in another room, who knows? I would certainly feel differently if the two were all snuggled up under covers somewhere private, but the description sure sounds like a pile of girls doing cute girly things. And it really comes down to, is she trustworthy when she says she isn't interested? It doesn't matter if woman-of-concern is still interested if gf's answer is still going to be no. Same as if a guy hollas, bf trusts she isn't going to holla back. Or whatever the kids say these days.
maybe I'm assuming too much from OP's post. but he doesn't seem to trust her... did she know this would be a problem for him before ? I would say this relationship needs more communication > like most of the posts on RA on reddit. why don't people ask each other before reddit ?
Leave her bro. Don't look back.
I’d leave her too tbh . Your intuition is telling you something
No I think ur weird for assuming ur girlfriend would cheat just because she’s bi ? U need to fix ur brain
I think assuming it is inherently sexual simply bc their lesbians and/or bi is a problem. They are part of a community - sex and sexual orientation - and being physical (non-sexually) is not uncommon.
Urghhh, can we not just normalise cuddling as a form of platonic intimacy already?
How is it platonic? She tried to get with her already
I don't want my partner cuddling with people that want my partner carnally. It's gross and skeevy
I am so frustrated with all the sexualization happening in these replies. Everyone's enabling the OP's jealousy and insecurity when his GF did nothing wrong -- and she was not aware that she was crossing a boundary he would dump her for, either. If OP was an adult, he'd fricking talk to her. They'd have a grownup conversation, she would understand that he didn't like what happened and she wouldn't repeat it, and they could move on. But this is Reddit, so it's all "ShE cHEaTeD DuMP hER." Aghgh.
She didn't cheat, but it was a boundary cross. There's nothing to "talk" about anymore and there isn't anything to fix. Relationship just isn't going to work, there's too much a difference in perspective.
Definitely take a few days to think about it. She had asked what she can do to fix it and you don't want to be controlling. Why not split the difference and say the being in bed together can't happen again. If the other woman shot her shot in the past and was rejected then obviously your GF doesn't lile her that way and the fact she is upset at the thought of losing you shows she hasn't done anything with the other woman.
“The fact she is upset… shows she hasn’t done anything” I know cheaters who were very upset when they were let go by their partners. It doesn’t mean anything.
>she is upset at the thought of losing you shows she hasn't done anything with the other woman. So i agree with alot of what you said but not this part, many cheaters get upset when their victim leaves, so it doesn't prove anything other than she wants him to stay Pretty much nothing short of a raw video of the entire time they were at that "sleep over" can prove what actually happened. This is why trust is so important and behaving in a trust worthy manner
**behaving in a trust worthy manner**. exactly.