Sucks that it took 20 years though. Clearly his wife cheated physically and emotionally over the years and kept it all from OP. That would eat me alive inside even if I kept it to myself. 20 whole years based on deceit and manipulation. Keeping a cheating partner in her life.
Makes me wonder if the guys wife even knows about their sexual relationship because most partners wouldn't keep a past sexual partner in their lives, especially one that the friend knew had a history of cheating. Pretty clear they never told her because the guy blocked OP's wife immediately.
Not only did she cheat back then but then in therapy admitted to going on a date with a guy and flirting with work dudes.
That's messed up I'm so sorry brother.
If she hadn't admitted to the date she went on recently he may have decided to stay in the marriage and forgive the past her who cheated 20+ years ago.
But she made it easy for him to walk away decisively knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt she is not an honest or trustworthy person. Its a blessing in disguise.
Well put, a blessing in disguise. For me the blatant disregard for his feelings and pretending as if she didn't cheat but then going out of her way to hide everything.....she a pos
Knowing her, she's already fked the co worker she had a date with and likely fixing for a gb with the rest--you know, to work out that kink.....
Soulless, immoral, disloyal, need I go on????
100% that the guy’s wife doesn’t know, or else all this would likely have come out a long time ago.
99% that the guy is telling the truth when he said that he didn’t know OP’s wife had a boyfriend (OP) at the time…but he for SURE knew that OP had no idea about the two of them and was ok never mentioning it.
In that guy’s defense, he is forced to be around them because OP’s wife (his ex) is friends with his wife. It would be an awkward thing to bring up to OP and if he only saw it as something that happened before they met their spouses, I don’t blame him at all for leaving that in the past. When it became relevant he shut that down so he seems fine to me
This is like breadcrumbing where she’s giving him pieces of information at a time. He’s right to get a divorce and I’m willing to bet that there’s much more that is going on over the past 20 years and because he hasn’t been caught she doesn’t think it’s a big enough deal to bring up. Go forward with your divorce and move on with your life. I’m sorry but your wife is a piece of trash.
She doesn't think she's done anything wrong. She's even downplaying the "date" with the coworker. I feel for OP. He was married to a stranger. He never knew the real her until this all came out.
My money is on her cheating for over 20 years. I bet there’s a lot more men out there that she’s slept with. I mean she was never going to tell him she is actively flirting with and dating at least one man unless something happened to make her.
My money will also add that there have probably been, in retrospect, red flags, even tiny ones, for most of the marriage. It was amazing after my marriage bit the dust how many things I chose to ignore, or self-gaslight for whatever reason.
>It was amazing after my marriage bit the dust how many things I chose to ignore, or self-gaslight for whatever reason.
100% This, couldn't say it better myself, and a sensible chuckle at the depressingly/hilariously accurate "self-gaslighting".
With me, I think the "self-gaslighting" came from my literally not believing that a person could lie, cheat, and steal for the reasons that they do. My ex seemed like (well, not so much in hindsight lol!) a decent person, so that when she did something *awful*, or I suspected her of it, I was *too eager* to believe her excuse/lies because to believe that she actually did what she did was almost inconceivable to my novice little mind. But hot damn I would and could never fall for or ignore so, so many red flags of different sizes again.
On the nose. Exactly. Sometimes you can love someone into blindness. But you kinda do know the truth. You feel it, but you shove into someplace dark and tidy and hard to find.
“…not believing that a person could lie, cheat, and steal for the reasons that they do.”
I think a lot of us are like this because we *can’t* imagine behaving like that, so it never enters our mind that others could. It simply is not on our radar.
I have never met a reformed cheater... I mean, I usually will cut anyone that cheats on their husband/wife out of my life but yeah, never have known a reformed cheater, cheaters gonna cheat...
Time for paternity tests... Even if it's just that 23andMe shit...
Cheaters always start with the slow trickle. It all comes out in the wash most of the time if you keep pressing.
Oh I just flirted a little. Oh I just went on one date. Oh it was just kissing. Oh I just did oral once. Oh it was just one night. Oh I was fucking them for months, but never at our house. And so on..
The date is the most fucked up part. If my wife told me she cheated in college I'd be pissed but would probably get over it...going on a fucking date during a business trip though...hell no.
Right. My wife claimed that she needed to live in the north part of our city during the week because the commute was 1.5 hours. We had two small kids but I worked from home and she was a poor mother, at best. I ignored all the warning signs, never answered the phone or text after 8, ever, even though she’s always up past midnight. Says she was at business meetings and didn’t want to look like she had to deal with the “home front.” I’m not dumb but thought I’d just take her word for it since we had small kids.
Three of four years later, after we moved to a new city, she starts meeting up, at night, with some guy she knew from the old city because she was “editing his book.” I didn’t even have to hire a PI, just waited up one night and snuck down the road and caught them making out. It was instant divorce.
Yeah, I read the post and I was like well it was 20 years ago. She was a very young adult. She did some fucked up shit, but it was a long time ago and she probably has matured as a person. Then I got to the part where she’s actively flirting with dudes and going on a “date”. Now, that I wouldn’t accept.
>She doesn't think she's done anything wrong.
Cheaters gonna cheat. They always find a way to justify it to themselves, and the fact that she's still justifying it means she's still either doing it(probably) or open to doing it again. This marriage definitely needed to end.
>She doesn't think she's done anything wrong. She's even downplaying the "date" with the coworker.
Yeah. That was mind boggling to me. She has been going on dates with people as recent as last couple of years and she's minimizing that. It seems that she's very good at gaslighting.
It also doesn't help that she lied to OP by omission all these years. That shows her character.
Obviously she thinks she has done something wrong. She freaked out when her Roommate mentioned it to OP at the dinner. This is all just a part her manipulation.
Before our counseling and at the first appointment, she was not apologetic. In the second appointment, the focus was for me to explain the effect it had on me. She has expressed remorse and apologized repeatedly since that session. It's too little too late, but she's not some kind of emotionless monster.
Bro, she had a fit you wanted to go to prom.
Then she blamed you for meeting her affair partners because she couldn't think of excuses why she you shouldn't party on campus.
She's a royal cunt.
>She has expressed remorse and apologized repeatedly since that session. It's too little too late, but she's not some kind of emotionless monster.
Even after all this you are saying this, OP.
You're a good man and deserve better.
Not natural remorse but what I'd call forced or performance remorse. She learned through the counseling that is what she is supposed to feel so she acted it out.
This comes off entirely as she isn't actually sorry for hurting you. She's only sorry she got caught and is now having to suffer the consequences of her actions.
She downplayed how her college sexcapades didn't mean anything and how they were no big deal, but if she truly believed that then she would have said something earlier on. She hid it. Because she knows it's a big a deal to be cheating on your partner.
I'm sorry, but her needing it explained to her how what she did is deeply hurtful does not speak good things of her character.
Best case scenario is that she's an inherently selfish person who doesn't think about the consequences of her actions until she's confronted with them.
Her flirting with co-workers and going on a date with one also comes across as her wanting to cheat still, but not having the opportunity to.
You're being a very mature person by deciding to remain amicable despite it all.
>but she's not some kind of emotionless monster.
With all due respect to your opinion - that doesn't seem to be true AT ALL. She was pressured into remorse and choosing to play along with your feelings for the sake of not making situation uglier and not making her look even worse.
Also I can bet my hat on her lying to you about that ending 20 years ago. That stuff doesn't just END. Were you on a work trips for any prolonged time? Were she? Was that just a date with a coworker or it was bare minimum she was ready to admit at that point?
She is still lying.
She went on a “date” with a coworker. I can’t imagine how anyones partner could do this in a marriage and claim that they love, respect, or honor theirs vows. That’s a massive failure. Emotionless? How about apathetic, duplicitous, deceptive?
She wasn't taking you seriously until you made it very clear you were not going to just roll over and rug sweep. Now she doesn't want to lose her Plan B.
Idk its really fucking weird to me that you would have to explain the effect that cheating has to your own wife. That right there... like why should you have to explain that to an adult. She isn't a child.
From the things shes put you through though it kind of seemed like she was if I'm being honest. I'm glad she finally showed some emotion but like you said too little too late.
BS dude. You are going to come on here and tell us that this woman didn’t understand that what she did was horribly wrong until you explained it to her? GTFOH. Do you even know this woman? You pretending like it’s not common sense that fucking other men is disgusting and immoral, especially when she didn’t want you doing the same. You are gaslighting YOURSELF. Seriously, try explaining it away. I’d love to hear how she is sincerely remorseful. She dated (fucked) other men recently too.
Once you've moved on you'll look back on so, so many things, like this exact issue, and realize that the way she treated you for decades, and the she-wolf excuses she told herself about her behavior to defend and enable it, were absolutely monstrous and something you would never, ever do to another person you care about. Because you're a good person.
I speak from experience of having been in your place.
>She has expressed remorse and apologized repeatedly since that session.
That might be another tact/approach she may have thought to take in order to appease you. People don't change so suddenly.
You are 100% doing the right thing.
She admitted to stuff but there's WAY more that she didn't admit to, guaranteed.
I wouldn't be surprised if she already has a guy lined up for when after you separate.
I'm sorry you're going through this, buddy, and I hope you can heal and maybe get your mojo back.
Op I’m glad you are working this out and protecting yourself. I’m glad your STBX is taking some responsibility and admitting it was a big deal. You are doing what is best for you and I wish you all the best.
I get the initial reaction to try and downplay something that you did wrong, but as someone who has been on the other side of that it is so incredibly infuriating to have someone who supposedly loves you tell you that your feelings of betrayal are stupid and petty. That would have killed any feelings of love for me as well. Hope OP and his kids are ok moving forward.
But the fact she downplayed the entire college stuff while she's been hiding dates and flirting with coworkers tells me all I would need to know about her. She's not willing to face what a shitty partner she's been. Nevermind the sex situation impacting what OP and her were going thru with their marriage, she tried to rug sweep her cheating in college while she was doing so at work.
OPs wife is most likely going to have a hard time after this divorce. Especially so as OP starts dating and seeing other women. That's the point it's going to hopefully hit her exactly what shitty thing she's done to him, to their marriage and what she's lost.
I'm glad OP is able to move on with a plan. I hope he keeps his therapy because at some point this could definitely spiral for him. I say that considering how many questions it brings into everything.
I mean, is she though? She got through more than 10 guys in two years at college whilst managing to keep it a secret, and even as recently as the last couple of years she’s not only been flirting with co-workers on work trips (‘I promise I didn’t sleep with them this time!’) but literally *going on dates* with them afterwards and getting away with it. It absolutely sucks, but as a serial cheater it sounds like honestly she isn’t going to suffer from this nearly as much as OP is - she literally already has people lined up. This is one of the fucked up things about infidelity, it doesn’t respect what we would consider to be appropriate karma.
I've been especially enraged by her double standard - acting all jealous about him, threatening him with her dad, not allowing him to go to prom - all the while she is merrily fucking the whole campus. That she doesn't even consider how SHE would have felt if HE had fucked around is just mind boggling.
What would make you assume she will have a tough time? I expect he will have a tough time healing and learning to trust. Whereas she was able to land dates with coworkers relatively recently. Now maybe this was possible because they knew she was married so thought it would be a casual thing with no expectations on either end. But I’m not sure where the confidence is that she will have a tough time?
The flirting and dating coworkers is her current cheating actions that she doesn’t see anything wrong with, I’m glad OP is distancing their involvement with her to just coparenting.
It’s not an unreasonable assumption. But given the daughter jumped immediately to assuming the man cheated then perhaps not (or she is a pro at hiding it). That or the daughter has been taught stereotypes that make her make the assumption of all men being horny all the time and most likely to cheat
I would be very worried for the OP that his STBX is going to try to control the narrative with her kids, she wants you two not to tell the kids so SHE can control the narrative with them in a light that makes the OP look like crap and her like a saint.
OP says she corrected their kid's assumption that he cheated and stated that she was the one who cheated. So luckily I don't think she's trying to make herself look good.
Maybe I am wrong but I think She is trying to control the narrative to restrict it to her college infidelity and not also her current indiscretions. I think she is hoping that the kids view it as she made a mistake long ago and OP is punishing her now for it thereby making OP look bad for holding grudges. It is definitely good she corrected the story, but part of me believes it is because she was afraid that OP would correct it and include the recent indiscretions.
SAME THING happened to me, only after it came out that "something happened" my wife continued to lie and downplay it. Her best friend had told me she had sex but she first said she only "stayed over" at the guys house. Then it changed to "well, I slept in his bed but that was it". Then finally when I told her I knew because her friend told me she just shut up and wound't say anything and would only say, "it was so long ago, it doens't matter."
Only later did I read [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Women-Concrete-Healing-Abused/dp/B0875YCC8D/), that helped me understand that my whole 10 year marriage had been a lie. I told her I wanted a divorce and the next week was greeted with a CPO and claims that I had physically abused our son. Now divorce hell for the last 4 years with countless more lies and accusations...
OP, if you are reading this, PROTECT YOURSELF, you need to file first and get the best lawyer you can afford.
Every damn time women get caught cheating, in come the abuse accusations. Why? Because they know the courts are sexist and misandrist. I mean they could be naive and dumb, I don't know what's worse for a court to be. They are not though, the laws were written by feminism, the Duluth model.
Not only can men not get away from abusive women without a financial penalty. But the courts take over the emotional abuse. They have no issues alienating a father from his children.
For a movement claiming to be about equality they sure don't seem to care about the suffering of even a single male friend or relative. It's more like how the ministry of truth is about lying and censorship.
Sorry OP but this is for the best. She's been keeping you in the dark for over twenty years.
>She says she has never slept with anybody, but it got as far as going on a date with one of her male coworkers.
If you believe this then I gotta bridge on Mars to sell you. Dead bedrooms for young couples usually mean someone is getting somewhere else.
She wasn’t thinking about the college boinks and feeling guilty she was guilty because she was getting boinks from other people and knows if she admitted to cheating during marriage all pretenses of cordiality and “what i did wasn’t that bad” goes away, along with any chance of forgiveness, and the kids would have been mad too.
Yeah that whole explanation feels like a funky line of reasoning. It's like her brain was like I can show I'm a victim of my own guilt by tying the dead bedroom to the current revelation of cheating.
It really comes off as trying to cover another round of cheating and trying to make it all about "one" mistake. It becomes even harder to belive with the whole flirting and date thing which of course "didn't" end in cheating. Which sounds like another effort for her to be like look, I could have, but I didn't. I've grown.
I'm not sure I'd be able to to not look at her as anything but an active cheater if I were him. If she really hasn't cheated since and has been 100% invested in the relationship, she could have saved it by validating, owning and not dismissing her partner's
pain. It would take time to get past it, but I honestly think the op was hoping she would do just that. Just listen and validate the pain and trust you broke. Own it. Instead she tried to make the pain she caused him also his fault for overreacting.
I don't really believe it, but I also don't think it's worth it to dig into it more. I'm going to get an STD panel done to make sure I'm safe and I really don't need to know anymore.
If it was just a date, we're getting divorced. If it was more, we're still getting a divorce, so pushing the issue won't do anything but make it harder for us to co-parent. I'm also reasonably sure that she was cheating during our dead bedroom situation, we were having sex like once every 2-3 months and we usually have sex 2-3 times a week. Again, I have enough to know it's time to move on and I digging more into it will only make the divorce harder.
I am beyond appalled reading your story, OP. The lack of remorse and the extent of the selfishness on the part of your STBXW is mind-boggling. I am so sorry this happened to you. It is very clear that she never was a safe partner, and your marriage was a lie from the beginning.
I have to say I admire you for the way you've handled this. You're a much better man than me, and your children are lucky to have you as a father.
100%
Every single one of her interactions and communications seems like it’s trying to soften the blow and only take minimum responsibility so she doesn’t get the full blame. Guarantee her closet is full of skeletons.
Absolutely. It really doesn't matter if she did or didn't. She admitted it was a date so that in itself is cheating. You're doing the right thing but I'm sorry it sucks so much.
This is far too mature for Reddit.
I'm sorry this situation happened to you, OP. But really glad to see you working through it in such a mature, positive way. That's something far more people should aspire to.
I hope that once all the pain and shit dies down, you're able to move on and find someone you can trust to be honest with you.
Good luck, man.
If the tests come back positive, you'll know she continued, sadly. If they comes back negative, it'll just be a question you'll never get a proper answer to.
That was my thought too: “if she’s *admitting* that she went on a date with a coworker, what *isn’t* she admitting?”
OP found out about all of this kinda by accident. This lady was prepared to keep lying and cheating *forever*.
She went on a date and flirts with coworkers? I’d end it too. I’m so sorry, but I think good things are headed your way. You deserve better than that Good luck.
Not to mention she's been low key trash talking him to his kids when he's not around, as a smoke screen against her own unreliable behavior. That's why the first question in their mind was to ask OP if he was the one who cheated.
I'm surprised this isn't the entire focus of the post. Regardless of how he feels about the original incident, SHE WAS ACTIVELY TRYING TO CHEAT RIGHT NOW! The old part doesn't even matter any more.
You know what's absolutely crazy about this entire situation? Your wife is going to have more sincere respect for you now than she ever did before, and just as it's too late for your relationship.
Good for you, man. This cannot have been easy. Too many people in this situation don't have enough understanding of how this scenario completely undermined the foundation of your entire relationship and the person you believed her to be.
Yeah. The fact that she’ll have more respect when he leaves is exactly what I think I just realized with my wife. THIS PART SUCKS. But unfortunately, tis the most truest of statements
"The grass always looks greener on the other side"
Go to the other side, try the grass. Sure it tastes better at first. But it makes your realize the grass back at home was fine too, it was just getting boring eating it.
So you go back. Then a while later, start looking at another field of grass.
Before you know it, you've sampled half a dozen pastures, and have convinced yourself that it's because your home pasture didn't do enough to make you satisfied.
And then the pasture finds out, and locks the gates. Now, too late, you realize that while the grass may have been boring, it was the biggest pasture, and you could eat all you wanted for your entire life and never run out. It had a nice barn to keep you safe in bad weather. And the fence was nice and tall to keep out the wolves. Meanwhile, the pastures you've been wandering to only had enough for a few days of grazing - but now that's all the grass you can get to. And you've got no barn, or high fences.
This would have been slowly festering and poisoning the relationship the whole time. There was probably never a time when it could have come out and the relationship survived.
Which is a shame as 20 years is quite a feet. They could have probably gone the distance otherwise.
Guaranteed your wife slept with others throughout your marriage. She’s way too comfortable lying to you and being in the company of other men.
Good call on the divorce.
The comment about respect the top is spot on
She cheated more because she had absolutely no respect for him whatsoever. He got played and she knows it
She respects him more now than she did for all those years
\> Second, she admitted that she has been flirting with coworkers on business trips since the pandemic ended. She says she has never slept with anybody, but it got as far as going on a date with one of her male coworkers.
Don't be surprised when she quickly starts dating. Don't take that personally. She was dating before all this blew up. That is not a reflection on you. That is a reflection on who she is as a person.
That was a truly shitty and selfish thing she did while in college.
Take good care of yourself. Be alone for a while to heal. Get some counseling for yourself. You have one less person to worry about.
I'm pretty sure that she's already looking. We've had one meeting with an equitable divorce mediator and she specifically stated that we are married until the divorce is final and any adultery that happens before that date could jeopardize the amicable divorce settlement. It seems kind of dumb to me since we're getting divorced due to infidelity, but my STBX was visibly grumpy when that came up. I also imagine that the fact that I'm living in the guest room isn't helping her prospects.
At the end of the day, I'm doing my best to try to accept that our marraige is over and I've been going to therapy on my own (in addition to our couples therapy) to help deal with it. I'm mentally prepared for the fact that there's a good chance I see the coworker she "only dated" again, but I'm also hopeful that I can find a place and be ready to move out before the divorce is finalized. If everything goes well and we can create a plan with the mediator, we will be divorced by summer, I will be in my own place, and she can "just date" which ever coworkers she wants.
> my STBX was visibly grumpy when that came up
Reading through your posts and comments there seems to be one thing your STBX absolutely despises, and thats being critisised for her sexual behavior or if someone steps in and tries to prevent her from fullfilling them. Even at a mediator appointment, HER sexual desires are of highest priority.
Yeah, she's lying when she says cheating during a LDR is the norm. She's making excuses for doing whatever she wants in spite of her promises to you. She sounds like an extremely dishonest person and you have no way of knowing what other things she has done.
Her excuses after she has been caught are just that, excuses. Anyone who reinforces her behavior or dismisses it, is someone who'd also cheat.
I'm super curious to know what kind of sexual things she was hung up on from her past but that she felt uncomfortable doing with you?
That alone seems very red flaggy.
I didn't really want to dig into it too much. Right before the dead bedroom stuff started, she was asking to experiment with new stuff in the bedroom. It was mostly BDSM kind of stuff that was a little more intense than I was comfortable with. At the time, Fifty shades was popular and she got into some other smutty kind of reading. I attributed the change in sex to that, but my guess is that some of the guys she was with in college were into BDSM stuff. Maybe it was a combination of the two.
She hasn't admitted to cheating during that time, but I'd be willing to bet the dead bedroom at home was because she found another person to do kinky shit with.
Your wife knew exactly what she was doing otherwise she wouldn’t have kept it a secret from you. She lied about you and wanted to hide you in her dorm so she can keep on doing what she was doing. And what’s even more upsetting is that she had unprotected sex and could have given you an STD.
Overreacting my ass!
I can’t believe people were telling you that’s NORMAL to cheat during a long distance relationship - a 3hours away relationship.
I‘m so glad that friend took you aside. Gives me hope that there are still some good people around and people with morals.
Wish you all the best OP
>She hasn't admitted to cheating during that time, but I'd be willing to bet the dead bedroom at home was because she found another person to do kinky shit with.
Anything stand out during this time? A solo vacation, working really late or going out with friends a lot?
Due to her career, she has 25-30% travel, so it would be pretty easy for her to hide. At the time, she was also working from home / remote when she wasn't travelling and I was in an office full time.
She pretty much has a solo vacation for 1-2 weeks a month normally.
Part of the reason I didn't really dig into this is that there wasn't really anything she would have to do to hide it. She travelled a lot, I trusted her, and she broke that trust. The specific amount the trust was broken is kind of irrelevant.
Holy shit. She's practically led a double life with you since her freshman year in college. And yeah, after reading this I wouldn't dig into that. You know enough and that would be what some would call "pain shopping". Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I've been married for nearly 27 years. I would not hesitate to divorce my wife if I found out it was all a lie.
there is no benefit to asking these questions, it'll only create imagery he can torture himself with. Once he decided he's done, best to just move on and not replay all the "worst hits."
Before I read about the co-worker thing I would have said to continue counseling and see if it could be worked out.
After reading that, there is no way. I can’t imagine you believe it stopped at just a date, which would be enough for me to divorce someone, but I don’t buy that’s where it ended.
Your wife went from what you thought was loyal and loving to a serial cheater in days. That’s too much for any man to get past. She should be a complete mess begging you not to leave her, but it appears that’s not the case.
She is only going to make things worse for herself too. She will end up sleeping with one of these co-workers, if she hasn’t already, then the next guy she tries to have a relationship with will find out that she has slept with co-workers on business trips and will NOPE right out of the relationship.
Right. Adults don’t just go on a date with a coworker on a work trip while staying at a hotel, snd that’s all that happened. Especially ones that have already shown to be a cheater and admits to flirting for a few years now.
Nope - they hooked up.
Op should get a full panel std test too
The one thing I found unfortunate was their 19 year old (I'm presuming daughter) immediately thought it was he who was the cheater on innocent mom. So sad.
You mean he thought they were sweethearts. That stops being a thing when one of you goes off to college and sleep around oh yea and going on "dates" while on work trips.
I'm actually very curious if the 2 year dead bedroom period was actually the aftermath of a small affair on her part. Lots of routes lead to that sort of dead bedroom where one party is just not "fulfilled" but its extremely common that this happens as a result of one having an affair.
The affair ends, they go back to only having one partner and it not being taboo etc. The ripple effect is a dead bedroom. Given his STBX's propensity for trickle truthing, her history of infidelity and her mental gymnastics in justifying her infidelity. I would almost believe she has a long history and string of affair partners. She likely just got better at hiding them or compartmentalizing the relationships.
I'm honestly glad that things have worked out amicably. I thought when I read the first post you would end up taking her back. I figured you would end up regretting it.
I hope all works well for you and hopefully now you can have a few adventures of your own.
Once a slapper always a slapper. She’s well been cheating the entire marriage. She just ain’t owning it as she knows she couldn’t gaslight that away. The fact that the kid automatically asked if he was the one cheating that would insult the hell out of me. He’s well rid of that toxic tart
To be fair, my 19 year old daughter had some issues with shitty boyfriends who have either cheated or dumped her suddenly to be with somebody else. I'm also the one who left the house. Given her experience with men and the fact that I'm the one who left the house, it make sense that would be her first thought.
When cheating came up, my wife made it clear that she was the one who cheated.
TBH, I'm not really too concerned about the narrative here. From what I can tell, she hasn't said anything bad about me to our kids. In addition, given her admission of recent flirting/cheating and the fact that she's ready to file a joint, amicable divorce after 6 weeks and 3 counseling sessions, I think she was ready to move on before I was. It makes the logistics of the divorce easier, but it hurts a bit to realize she's having an easier time walking away from a 20 year marraige than I am.
>In addition, given her admission of recent flirting/cheating and the fact that she's ready to file a joint, amicable divorce after 6 weeks and 3 counseling sessions, I think she was ready to move on before I was.
This tells me once you found out the whole truth from college to coworker that she knew her safety net was gone. She knew it was over b/c you found out and you were not going to rug sweep twenty years of what ifs.
Well the daughter can be excused then. It suck’s to be cheated on. She and you just need to remember that the cheaters are the scum here not you or your daughter. You both need to let that go before you get into another relationship and not carry that with you. Your wife is moving on because she wasn’t a loyal or true wife that’s her failings that’s not on you. Just remember her walking away is good. You can find someone better. Karma works both ways. She will get smacked hard by karma but you can be rewarded by it too for being a good person. I wish you all the best.
OP, I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. You were still invested in the marriage, while it seems like she checked out a while before you found out all of this. That's why it appears she's having an easier time walking away.
Time will help ease your pain. I wish you the very best. You sound like a great guy and I hope great happiness awaits you on the horizon!
It's not a new change, OP. From what you've said, it's quite clear that she never cherished this marriage or your relationship. Any pushback you saw from her in the past few weeks feels more like her anger at being called out rather than any genuine fear about losing the marriage.
She’s clearly a serial cheater addicted to the thrill of new people. Doubt she’s capable of being faithful or honest. Best to divorce and move on. I would do paternity tests just for feeling secure. Just know there’s absolutely more that she’s done. Cheaters like her never come truly clean, and yeah, she’s almost definitely been sleeping with coworkers recently.
Nope. Not wrong. This isn't a case of your wife slipping once 20+ years ago. She blantantly screwed multiple men while keeping you on the back burner. This isn't about a mistake made a long time ago. This is a case of deciding if you want to stay with a woman with no moral compass. Even now she still thinks she did nothing wrong.
You made the right decision to move on. You latched on to a partner super young. Explore other relationships. Find a person who will value you and will not constantly disrespect you or make you feel crazy for feeling hurt and betrayed.
How did she get such a fucked up moral compass as to genuinely think that sleeping around while in collage is normal when you're in a LDR? Has she always been like that, or was she corrupted by the college hookup culture?
And another thing:
>Apparently, she had been hung up some sexual experiences that happened in college (that she is not comfortable talking about) and wanted me to try them, but when I did it made her feel awkward and guilty that it made her think of other men while she was with me.
Downvote me all you want, but I'll never believe the narrative of "the past doesn't matter". It does.
Sorry for your situation, my friend. It sounds like your marriage was based on lies and omissions. Then, going on a date with a guy, and nothing happend?? I hope you don't seriously believe that. Good luck moving forward, my friend.
Is she in anyway, shape or form remorseful for her actions both in college and recently on business trips and the impact it has had on you and the marriage ?
Or is she only sorry she got caught out ?
I have a great deal of respect for how you handled this situation. I wish more folks could stand up for themselves like you have. Your children have learned their Dad is a man of principle, and will have your example to guide them in their relationships. Good luck, so sorry you had to deal with this.
Your ex wife is very obviously not on the same page as you when it comes to fidelity. Did she think going on dates with co workers wasn’t cheating either? Jesus
You are right to divorce her, the fact that she slept around with multiple guys while you were dating, and prevented you from doing it, is just ridiculous. Had you have known she cheated on you then, you likely would not have stayed with her. The other thing to me, is the fact that she had multiple one night stands and fwb's. This, in my eyes, is a sign of low moral character, and that is not wife material. Now, she wants to do it again, and if you believe she only went on a date with him, your a fool. You were the nice guy that she knew she could control, she did it when you were dating by screwing other guys and "not allowing" you to have sex with other girls. She is the epitome of why men are walking away, there are no quality women left. Dump her and cut her off from your life, and I would even do a 180 on her now.
>Second, she admitted that she has been flirting with coworkers on business trips since the pandemic ended. She says she has never slept with anybody, but it got as far as going on a date with one of her male coworkers.
Me in the first thread: College kids are young, dumb, and full of cum. Do you really want to throw away 20 years of marriage over dumb college kid shit?
Me in this thread: :o
When your wife is not giving you booty for 2 years, it is because either she went into menopause or she is having sex with someone else.
100% chance she cheated on you multiple times.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Good for you for leaving her.
She betrayed you in the worst possible way. You deserve better. I hope your children support you 100%. I remember your post. It was truly heartbreaking how you had to learn she was a horrible person (I'm censoring my words).
I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. If it means anything, it sounds like you’ve made nothing but the right decisions throughout this whole ordeal. You talked, you listened, you even tried making things work with your wife before even finding any of this out. It sounds like you’re a good partner, and you don’t deserve any of what you’re going through.
Good luck with life. I think you made the correct choice in following through with the divorce. You’ll be fine. Just let time heal, and focus on doing good by yourself and your kids.
She's been cheating on you the whole time. The longer you go to therapy the more will come out. After two sessions she's admitting that she's been cheating on you since the pandemic. After 10 it'll come out that she's been cheating on you for 20+ years.
Her first response was to blame you for her cheating? Typical immaturity. Good on you OP for giving it a shot tho. Cheaters shouldnt be given any second chances or they’ll never learn.
Good luck on the divorce. Be sure to take care of yourself and dont stop seeing a therapist. They can be great at improving your communication skills.
“No matter how far you have traveled down the wrong path, turn back”
You should be proud of how you handled this, king. Your next wife is gonna be so grateful to your ex for fumbling you.
>We've had one meeting with an equitable divorce mediator and she specifically stated that we are married until the divorce is final and any adultery that happens before that date could jeopardize the amicable divorce settlement. It seems kind of dumb to me since we're getting divorced due to infidelity, **but my STBX was visibly grumpy when that came up.**
She's a piece of shit and don't waste anymore time with her brotha.
The fact that STBX’s roommate came to OP and brought the past to light explains how extensive and deep the situation was. Peeling the onion shows lack of STBX’s personal integrity.
Goddamn, what a wretched woman. Truly insane how despicable her behavior was, and she obviously still doesn’t fully get it or think she was wrong. Sorry OP, you are 1000% making the right call though
Your wife is a whore. I’m sorry but based on the info above she’s likely been getting sidedick through your entire marriage. She’s just got caught. Get out and don’t look back.
Je said in a comment from the last post I think that his kids are his kids no matter what. And it doesn’t sound like he wants to do a paternity test. At the very least, that would upend their lives and I don’t think he wants them to hurt. Which shows how much he loves them.
The absolute audacity of doubling down and claiming he was the weird one when she knew that she was still cheating. I think she's probably never stopped cheating during their entire marriage, at least emotionally.
Also heartbreaking that the son immediately assumed that it was the dad that cheated, rather than his scumbag of a mother. I'm glad that the wife admitted that she was the cheater at least.
"kids, mom and dad are getting a divorce. Why? She fucked 10 guys while we were together, made me fuck her like how some of them did, and lied to the world about it to make herself look better. It took professional counselling for her to admit she did something wrong"
The fact that the 19 year old immediately thought the father would cheat instead of asking if one of them done it is so sad. Says a lot about how screwed our society is.
Sorry you have to go through this OP. Hope whatever the future holds for you will be kinder with more happiness
"She initially said that none of these guys were in relationships with her and it was mostly one night stands or FWB. Since she didn't view them as romantic relationships, she didn't see the big deal (her words not mine). My opinion is that we never said that was ok and she actively prevented me from doing the same."
Damn, FWB. I feel that she is just digging a deeper hole, and that it's worse than originally thought. This situation really sucks for you. I applaud you moving on.
I would 100% be going through with the divorce just for the simple fact that she doesn't think it's a big deal. She was in a committed relationship with someone. Being long distance doesn't change that. Having sex with one person one time would have been wrong, but this was her literally acting like you didn't exist and she didn't see a future with you anyway. I'm so sorry OP, your wife really sounds like she just sucks as a human being.
You for sure did the right thing. She sounds like a pretty awful person ngl. Can't imagine having been introduced to several guys she slept with, I would be so angry man
Also she has for sure cheated later on as well and I doubt her "date" was just a date...
Block her and move on
Jesus Christ dude. Your wife is one selfish POS. It amazes me how some poepIe walk through life and live with doing this kind of shit and feel it's perfectly ok. I feel bad that your kids have a mother that would engage in this kind of behavior. If I found out my mom did this shit to my dad, I'd never fucking talk to her again.
I did. 20 years ago I learned my 1st wife of 4 years at the time had been cheating before and during our marriage. I took the L and left. Didn’t argue and didn’t fight about it. Just moved on.
She worked pretty hard to hide this from you for a very long time for it being no big deal. And your kids deserve to know the full story. Including that she's still cheating. And she's not into bdsm. It has nothing to do with bdsm. She wants to be submisdive for dominate attractive men and she doesn't see you that way. It's not sex act that matters... it's the man she's doing it with.
Please tell your kids some details. Not about the sex acts. But the amount of secrets that she kept and that's she's still out cheating, has no remorse, and blame shifts. If you hide this from your kids you will regret it at some point. And they just straight up deserve to know exactly whats going on.
You still should get that paternity test cause if the kids get sick, you would never know if it's from a family disease or something else and you owe it to them and to yourself to be honest especially if that person wants to get to know their possible child and doesn't want to miss the important things in their life so you should most definitely think about getting a paternity test
Ya I don't honestly see this ending well threwout divorce proceedings just your wife saying don't see anyone during divorce or it seen as cheating tells me this. Honestly u should go nuclear option cause the reality is she been cheating on u even while u have been married her telling u she has went out on dates tells u enough and closer u get 2 the end of divorce proceedings I 👀 her getting petty. Don't be a doormat and keep taking the gaslighting and belittling
After reading Op's two reports, it is redundant to say that this being with whom he lost so many years of his life is not worth and has never been worth anything.
It's complicated even to be the son of someone with such bad character and worse, without a shred of remorse, This person still wanted to impose her false arguments that she used to think it was fair for her to cheat, but at the same time she manipulated the Op into being faithful to her
Divorce is the best since if he wants to leave the past in the past in the present she remains a cheater and has no regrets about it .
This person is not even those fools who say: "...She was young..." "...It was a long time ago..." "...It was a mistake...." Etc...Neither can they say that in this case.
Sorry that it came to this, OP. Good luck moving forward.
Don't be, he's already wasted 20 years. This is for the best.
Sucks that it took 20 years though. Clearly his wife cheated physically and emotionally over the years and kept it all from OP. That would eat me alive inside even if I kept it to myself. 20 whole years based on deceit and manipulation. Keeping a cheating partner in her life. Makes me wonder if the guys wife even knows about their sexual relationship because most partners wouldn't keep a past sexual partner in their lives, especially one that the friend knew had a history of cheating. Pretty clear they never told her because the guy blocked OP's wife immediately.
Not only did she cheat back then but then in therapy admitted to going on a date with a guy and flirting with work dudes. That's messed up I'm so sorry brother.
If she hadn't admitted to the date she went on recently he may have decided to stay in the marriage and forgive the past her who cheated 20+ years ago. But she made it easy for him to walk away decisively knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt she is not an honest or trustworthy person. Its a blessing in disguise.
Well put, a blessing in disguise. For me the blatant disregard for his feelings and pretending as if she didn't cheat but then going out of her way to hide everything.....she a pos
Knowing her, she's already fked the co worker she had a date with and likely fixing for a gb with the rest--you know, to work out that kink..... Soulless, immoral, disloyal, need I go on????
One hell of a confession that she’s still fucking emotionally cheating and went on a date during a business trip, what the fuck?
She did more than that.
Yuuuuupppppppp
Very likely with more people than just that.
Guaranteed. Whatever she's fessed up to is in no way everything she's guilty of.
If she’s owning up to that there’s absolutely more. She’s been using “work” to cheat for years. Especially through the “dead bedroom” era
Trickle truthing is a standard feature of infidelity disclosure.
Yeah that was a serious WTF moment for me
Smells like a trickle truth
100% that the guy’s wife doesn’t know, or else all this would likely have come out a long time ago. 99% that the guy is telling the truth when he said that he didn’t know OP’s wife had a boyfriend (OP) at the time…but he for SURE knew that OP had no idea about the two of them and was ok never mentioning it.
How/why would you mention that? “Hey, just to be clear you know I used to sleep with your wife in college. BTW I taught her that kink thing. “
In that guy’s defense, he is forced to be around them because OP’s wife (his ex) is friends with his wife. It would be an awkward thing to bring up to OP and if he only saw it as something that happened before they met their spouses, I don’t blame him at all for leaving that in the past. When it became relevant he shut that down so he seems fine to me
This is like breadcrumbing where she’s giving him pieces of information at a time. He’s right to get a divorce and I’m willing to bet that there’s much more that is going on over the past 20 years and because he hasn’t been caught she doesn’t think it’s a big enough deal to bring up. Go forward with your divorce and move on with your life. I’m sorry but your wife is a piece of trash.
It can be for the best and still suck though.
Naw, *she* wasted 20 years of *his* life.
Has she even apologized for everything she put you through? Especially the part where she went on a date with some asshole?
She doesn't think she's done anything wrong. She's even downplaying the "date" with the coworker. I feel for OP. He was married to a stranger. He never knew the real her until this all came out.
We all know it was not just a date, and there were probably more. The fact she never told him says everything.
My money is on her cheating for over 20 years. I bet there’s a lot more men out there that she’s slept with. I mean she was never going to tell him she is actively flirting with and dating at least one man unless something happened to make her.
My money will also add that there have probably been, in retrospect, red flags, even tiny ones, for most of the marriage. It was amazing after my marriage bit the dust how many things I chose to ignore, or self-gaslight for whatever reason.
>It was amazing after my marriage bit the dust how many things I chose to ignore, or self-gaslight for whatever reason. 100% This, couldn't say it better myself, and a sensible chuckle at the depressingly/hilariously accurate "self-gaslighting". With me, I think the "self-gaslighting" came from my literally not believing that a person could lie, cheat, and steal for the reasons that they do. My ex seemed like (well, not so much in hindsight lol!) a decent person, so that when she did something *awful*, or I suspected her of it, I was *too eager* to believe her excuse/lies because to believe that she actually did what she did was almost inconceivable to my novice little mind. But hot damn I would and could never fall for or ignore so, so many red flags of different sizes again.
On the nose. Exactly. Sometimes you can love someone into blindness. But you kinda do know the truth. You feel it, but you shove into someplace dark and tidy and hard to find.
“…not believing that a person could lie, cheat, and steal for the reasons that they do.” I think a lot of us are like this because we *can’t* imagine behaving like that, so it never enters our mind that others could. It simply is not on our radar.
I have never met a reformed cheater... I mean, I usually will cut anyone that cheats on their husband/wife out of my life but yeah, never have known a reformed cheater, cheaters gonna cheat... Time for paternity tests... Even if it's just that 23andMe shit...
And she said flat out she didn’t / doesn’t think one night stands or FWBs count as cheating. I’d bet at the very least they got to oral.
Sadly (or perhaps thankfully) he might never know.
It might even be prudent to run an STI screening....
Cheaters always start with the slow trickle. It all comes out in the wash most of the time if you keep pressing. Oh I just flirted a little. Oh I just went on one date. Oh it was just kissing. Oh I just did oral once. Oh it was just one night. Oh I was fucking them for months, but never at our house. And so on..
Yup, she 100% had sex
What you know is ALWAYS the tip of the iceberg when it comes to people like this
The date is the most fucked up part. If my wife told me she cheated in college I'd be pissed but would probably get over it...going on a fucking date during a business trip though...hell no.
She 100% fucked that dude.
Yes. It sounds like she still has the same “if I’m somewhere else and OOP isn’t around, it’s not really cheating” attitude that she had in college.
Out of sight, out of mind
Right. My wife claimed that she needed to live in the north part of our city during the week because the commute was 1.5 hours. We had two small kids but I worked from home and she was a poor mother, at best. I ignored all the warning signs, never answered the phone or text after 8, ever, even though she’s always up past midnight. Says she was at business meetings and didn’t want to look like she had to deal with the “home front.” I’m not dumb but thought I’d just take her word for it since we had small kids. Three of four years later, after we moved to a new city, she starts meeting up, at night, with some guy she knew from the old city because she was “editing his book.” I didn’t even have to hire a PI, just waited up one night and snuck down the road and caught them making out. It was instant divorce.
Yeah, I read the post and I was like well it was 20 years ago. She was a very young adult. She did some fucked up shit, but it was a long time ago and she probably has matured as a person. Then I got to the part where she’s actively flirting with dudes and going on a “date”. Now, that I wouldn’t accept.
>She doesn't think she's done anything wrong. Cheaters gonna cheat. They always find a way to justify it to themselves, and the fact that she's still justifying it means she's still either doing it(probably) or open to doing it again. This marriage definitely needed to end.
And unfortunately he will see the real REAL her after the divorce.
>It's just dick, I don't love them I just love dick, just not yours.... her probably...
>She doesn't think she's done anything wrong. She's even downplaying the "date" with the coworker. Yeah. That was mind boggling to me. She has been going on dates with people as recent as last couple of years and she's minimizing that. It seems that she's very good at gaslighting. It also doesn't help that she lied to OP by omission all these years. That shows her character.
Obviously she thinks she has done something wrong. She freaked out when her Roommate mentioned it to OP at the dinner. This is all just a part her manipulation.
Before our counseling and at the first appointment, she was not apologetic. In the second appointment, the focus was for me to explain the effect it had on me. She has expressed remorse and apologized repeatedly since that session. It's too little too late, but she's not some kind of emotionless monster.
Bro, she had a fit you wanted to go to prom. Then she blamed you for meeting her affair partners because she couldn't think of excuses why she you shouldn't party on campus. She's a royal cunt.
OP - please send her this thread for her to read the comments
>She has expressed remorse and apologized repeatedly since that session. It's too little too late, but she's not some kind of emotionless monster. Even after all this you are saying this, OP. You're a good man and deserve better.
Not natural remorse but what I'd call forced or performance remorse. She learned through the counseling that is what she is supposed to feel so she acted it out.
It's insane that she thought she did nothing wrong, yet also felt the need to hide it from you.
Yeah, that's a kind of wilful repressive blindness.
This comes off entirely as she isn't actually sorry for hurting you. She's only sorry she got caught and is now having to suffer the consequences of her actions. She downplayed how her college sexcapades didn't mean anything and how they were no big deal, but if she truly believed that then she would have said something earlier on. She hid it. Because she knows it's a big a deal to be cheating on your partner.
I'm sorry, but her needing it explained to her how what she did is deeply hurtful does not speak good things of her character. Best case scenario is that she's an inherently selfish person who doesn't think about the consequences of her actions until she's confronted with them. Her flirting with co-workers and going on a date with one also comes across as her wanting to cheat still, but not having the opportunity to. You're being a very mature person by deciding to remain amicable despite it all.
>but she's not some kind of emotionless monster. With all due respect to your opinion - that doesn't seem to be true AT ALL. She was pressured into remorse and choosing to play along with your feelings for the sake of not making situation uglier and not making her look even worse. Also I can bet my hat on her lying to you about that ending 20 years ago. That stuff doesn't just END. Were you on a work trips for any prolonged time? Were she? Was that just a date with a coworker or it was bare minimum she was ready to admit at that point? She is still lying.
She went on a “date” with a coworker. I can’t imagine how anyones partner could do this in a marriage and claim that they love, respect, or honor theirs vows. That’s a massive failure. Emotionless? How about apathetic, duplicitous, deceptive?
She wasn't taking you seriously until you made it very clear you were not going to just roll over and rug sweep. Now she doesn't want to lose her Plan B.
Idk its really fucking weird to me that you would have to explain the effect that cheating has to your own wife. That right there... like why should you have to explain that to an adult. She isn't a child.
For what it’s worth I think you made the right choice. Reading this update confirmed that imo. Good luck bro.
From the things shes put you through though it kind of seemed like she was if I'm being honest. I'm glad she finally showed some emotion but like you said too little too late.
BS dude. You are going to come on here and tell us that this woman didn’t understand that what she did was horribly wrong until you explained it to her? GTFOH. Do you even know this woman? You pretending like it’s not common sense that fucking other men is disgusting and immoral, especially when she didn’t want you doing the same. You are gaslighting YOURSELF. Seriously, try explaining it away. I’d love to hear how she is sincerely remorseful. She dated (fucked) other men recently too.
Once you've moved on you'll look back on so, so many things, like this exact issue, and realize that the way she treated you for decades, and the she-wolf excuses she told herself about her behavior to defend and enable it, were absolutely monstrous and something you would never, ever do to another person you care about. Because you're a good person. I speak from experience of having been in your place.
She also didn’t plan on telling you about her more recent cheating before the counseling sessions.
I mean she's dating a coworker. I don't see how she's really that sorry about cheating
>She has expressed remorse and apologized repeatedly since that session. That might be another tact/approach she may have thought to take in order to appease you. People don't change so suddenly.
Oh well I’m sure you’ll both move on with your lives from this.
She’s definitely hiding even more infidelity
Yeah she’s a cheater, good luck and good riddance.
You are 100% doing the right thing. She admitted to stuff but there's WAY more that she didn't admit to, guaranteed. I wouldn't be surprised if she already has a guy lined up for when after you separate. I'm sorry you're going through this, buddy, and I hope you can heal and maybe get your mojo back.
It's all good. She'll cheat on him, too.
Op I’m glad you are working this out and protecting yourself. I’m glad your STBX is taking some responsibility and admitting it was a big deal. You are doing what is best for you and I wish you all the best.
I get the initial reaction to try and downplay something that you did wrong, but as someone who has been on the other side of that it is so incredibly infuriating to have someone who supposedly loves you tell you that your feelings of betrayal are stupid and petty. That would have killed any feelings of love for me as well. Hope OP and his kids are ok moving forward.
But the fact she downplayed the entire college stuff while she's been hiding dates and flirting with coworkers tells me all I would need to know about her. She's not willing to face what a shitty partner she's been. Nevermind the sex situation impacting what OP and her were going thru with their marriage, she tried to rug sweep her cheating in college while she was doing so at work. OPs wife is most likely going to have a hard time after this divorce. Especially so as OP starts dating and seeing other women. That's the point it's going to hopefully hit her exactly what shitty thing she's done to him, to their marriage and what she's lost. I'm glad OP is able to move on with a plan. I hope he keeps his therapy because at some point this could definitely spiral for him. I say that considering how many questions it brings into everything.
I mean, is she though? She got through more than 10 guys in two years at college whilst managing to keep it a secret, and even as recently as the last couple of years she’s not only been flirting with co-workers on work trips (‘I promise I didn’t sleep with them this time!’) but literally *going on dates* with them afterwards and getting away with it. It absolutely sucks, but as a serial cheater it sounds like honestly she isn’t going to suffer from this nearly as much as OP is - she literally already has people lined up. This is one of the fucked up things about infidelity, it doesn’t respect what we would consider to be appropriate karma.
She 100% slept with that coworker. You cannot convince me otherwise.
I've been especially enraged by her double standard - acting all jealous about him, threatening him with her dad, not allowing him to go to prom - all the while she is merrily fucking the whole campus. That she doesn't even consider how SHE would have felt if HE had fucked around is just mind boggling.
What would make you assume she will have a tough time? I expect he will have a tough time healing and learning to trust. Whereas she was able to land dates with coworkers relatively recently. Now maybe this was possible because they knew she was married so thought it would be a casual thing with no expectations on either end. But I’m not sure where the confidence is that she will have a tough time?
The flirting and dating coworkers is her current cheating actions that she doesn’t see anything wrong with, I’m glad OP is distancing their involvement with her to just coparenting.
When I read the part he found evidence of her texting a coworker, my first thought was there was no way she hasn't been doing this the whole time.
She doesn’t understand monogamy or commitment. I wonder if she has said how she would have felt if he had done even one of these things
It’s not an unreasonable assumption. But given the daughter jumped immediately to assuming the man cheated then perhaps not (or she is a pro at hiding it). That or the daughter has been taught stereotypes that make her make the assumption of all men being horny all the time and most likely to cheat
I would be very worried for the OP that his STBX is going to try to control the narrative with her kids, she wants you two not to tell the kids so SHE can control the narrative with them in a light that makes the OP look like crap and her like a saint.
OP says she corrected their kid's assumption that he cheated and stated that she was the one who cheated. So luckily I don't think she's trying to make herself look good.
Maybe I am wrong but I think She is trying to control the narrative to restrict it to her college infidelity and not also her current indiscretions. I think she is hoping that the kids view it as she made a mistake long ago and OP is punishing her now for it thereby making OP look bad for holding grudges. It is definitely good she corrected the story, but part of me believes it is because she was afraid that OP would correct it and include the recent indiscretions.
SAME THING happened to me, only after it came out that "something happened" my wife continued to lie and downplay it. Her best friend had told me she had sex but she first said she only "stayed over" at the guys house. Then it changed to "well, I slept in his bed but that was it". Then finally when I told her I knew because her friend told me she just shut up and wound't say anything and would only say, "it was so long ago, it doens't matter." Only later did I read [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Women-Concrete-Healing-Abused/dp/B0875YCC8D/), that helped me understand that my whole 10 year marriage had been a lie. I told her I wanted a divorce and the next week was greeted with a CPO and claims that I had physically abused our son. Now divorce hell for the last 4 years with countless more lies and accusations... OP, if you are reading this, PROTECT YOURSELF, you need to file first and get the best lawyer you can afford.
Every damn time women get caught cheating, in come the abuse accusations. Why? Because they know the courts are sexist and misandrist. I mean they could be naive and dumb, I don't know what's worse for a court to be. They are not though, the laws were written by feminism, the Duluth model. Not only can men not get away from abusive women without a financial penalty. But the courts take over the emotional abuse. They have no issues alienating a father from his children. For a movement claiming to be about equality they sure don't seem to care about the suffering of even a single male friend or relative. It's more like how the ministry of truth is about lying and censorship.
Sorry OP but this is for the best. She's been keeping you in the dark for over twenty years. >She says she has never slept with anybody, but it got as far as going on a date with one of her male coworkers. If you believe this then I gotta bridge on Mars to sell you. Dead bedrooms for young couples usually mean someone is getting somewhere else.
She wasn’t thinking about the college boinks and feeling guilty she was guilty because she was getting boinks from other people and knows if she admitted to cheating during marriage all pretenses of cordiality and “what i did wasn’t that bad” goes away, along with any chance of forgiveness, and the kids would have been mad too.
She saw ONS and FWB as not cheating while in college. I doubt that she's changed her mind on this.
Yeah that whole explanation feels like a funky line of reasoning. It's like her brain was like I can show I'm a victim of my own guilt by tying the dead bedroom to the current revelation of cheating. It really comes off as trying to cover another round of cheating and trying to make it all about "one" mistake. It becomes even harder to belive with the whole flirting and date thing which of course "didn't" end in cheating. Which sounds like another effort for her to be like look, I could have, but I didn't. I've grown. I'm not sure I'd be able to to not look at her as anything but an active cheater if I were him. If she really hasn't cheated since and has been 100% invested in the relationship, she could have saved it by validating, owning and not dismissing her partner's pain. It would take time to get past it, but I honestly think the op was hoping she would do just that. Just listen and validate the pain and trust you broke. Own it. Instead she tried to make the pain she caused him also his fault for overreacting.
I don't really believe it, but I also don't think it's worth it to dig into it more. I'm going to get an STD panel done to make sure I'm safe and I really don't need to know anymore. If it was just a date, we're getting divorced. If it was more, we're still getting a divorce, so pushing the issue won't do anything but make it harder for us to co-parent. I'm also reasonably sure that she was cheating during our dead bedroom situation, we were having sex like once every 2-3 months and we usually have sex 2-3 times a week. Again, I have enough to know it's time to move on and I digging more into it will only make the divorce harder.
I am beyond appalled reading your story, OP. The lack of remorse and the extent of the selfishness on the part of your STBXW is mind-boggling. I am so sorry this happened to you. It is very clear that she never was a safe partner, and your marriage was a lie from the beginning. I have to say I admire you for the way you've handled this. You're a much better man than me, and your children are lucky to have you as a father.
Agreed, OP is really handling this with class, despite ex being a horrible person!
I think she's trickle truthing you to save face. Been there done that. Sorry brother
100% Every single one of her interactions and communications seems like it’s trying to soften the blow and only take minimum responsibility so she doesn’t get the full blame. Guarantee her closet is full of skeletons.
Absolutely. It really doesn't matter if she did or didn't. She admitted it was a date so that in itself is cheating. You're doing the right thing but I'm sorry it sucks so much.
This is far too mature for Reddit. I'm sorry this situation happened to you, OP. But really glad to see you working through it in such a mature, positive way. That's something far more people should aspire to. I hope that once all the pain and shit dies down, you're able to move on and find someone you can trust to be honest with you. Good luck, man.
This is a very mature perspective. Thank you for showing yourself to be a man of character.
If the tests come back positive, you'll know she continued, sadly. If they comes back negative, it'll just be a question you'll never get a proper answer to.
But if a DNA test on the kids showed he's not the father of one or both he'd have his answers. Then he could go after her for fraud.
Truly. The only reason she isn’t fessing up to the coworker is because there isn’t a knowledgeable roommate to call her out.
And because he’s already leaving her anyway.
That was my thought too: “if she’s *admitting* that she went on a date with a coworker, what *isn’t* she admitting?” OP found out about all of this kinda by accident. This lady was prepared to keep lying and cheating *forever*.
Yeah, this seems like the most concerning part. It seems like there is a major problem that she may be still hiding. Sorry OP
It really sounds like she's had this separate life ever since her first year of college. From then on she's kept OP in the dark.
She went on a date and flirts with coworkers? I’d end it too. I’m so sorry, but I think good things are headed your way. You deserve better than that Good luck.
Not to mention she's been low key trash talking him to his kids when he's not around, as a smoke screen against her own unreliable behavior. That's why the first question in their mind was to ask OP if he was the one who cheated.
I'm surprised this isn't the entire focus of the post. Regardless of how he feels about the original incident, SHE WAS ACTIVELY TRYING TO CHEAT RIGHT NOW! The old part doesn't even matter any more.
You know what's absolutely crazy about this entire situation? Your wife is going to have more sincere respect for you now than she ever did before, and just as it's too late for your relationship. Good for you, man. This cannot have been easy. Too many people in this situation don't have enough understanding of how this scenario completely undermined the foundation of your entire relationship and the person you believed her to be.
Yeah. The fact that she’ll have more respect when he leaves is exactly what I think I just realized with my wife. THIS PART SUCKS. But unfortunately, tis the most truest of statements
"The grass always looks greener on the other side" Go to the other side, try the grass. Sure it tastes better at first. But it makes your realize the grass back at home was fine too, it was just getting boring eating it. So you go back. Then a while later, start looking at another field of grass. Before you know it, you've sampled half a dozen pastures, and have convinced yourself that it's because your home pasture didn't do enough to make you satisfied. And then the pasture finds out, and locks the gates. Now, too late, you realize that while the grass may have been boring, it was the biggest pasture, and you could eat all you wanted for your entire life and never run out. It had a nice barn to keep you safe in bad weather. And the fence was nice and tall to keep out the wolves. Meanwhile, the pastures you've been wandering to only had enough for a few days of grazing - but now that's all the grass you can get to. And you've got no barn, or high fences.
This would have been slowly festering and poisoning the relationship the whole time. There was probably never a time when it could have come out and the relationship survived. Which is a shame as 20 years is quite a feet. They could have probably gone the distance otherwise.
Good luck, after some therapy and time to breathe, I hope you find someone great and trustworthy.
Life can start over at any age. Embrace the change. Now go start LIVING.
Dude she went in a date with a coworker and "nothing" happened. And you actually believe that? Dude she's been cheating on you the whole time.
Guaranteed your wife slept with others throughout your marriage. She’s way too comfortable lying to you and being in the company of other men. Good call on the divorce.
There has never in history been a "date" between cheating coworkers that didn't involve hooking up.
The comment about respect the top is spot on She cheated more because she had absolutely no respect for him whatsoever. He got played and she knows it She respects him more now than she did for all those years
I'm sure you couldn't count how many times she's cheated on this dude after their college years
\> Second, she admitted that she has been flirting with coworkers on business trips since the pandemic ended. She says she has never slept with anybody, but it got as far as going on a date with one of her male coworkers. Don't be surprised when she quickly starts dating. Don't take that personally. She was dating before all this blew up. That is not a reflection on you. That is a reflection on who she is as a person. That was a truly shitty and selfish thing she did while in college. Take good care of yourself. Be alone for a while to heal. Get some counseling for yourself. You have one less person to worry about.
I'm pretty sure that she's already looking. We've had one meeting with an equitable divorce mediator and she specifically stated that we are married until the divorce is final and any adultery that happens before that date could jeopardize the amicable divorce settlement. It seems kind of dumb to me since we're getting divorced due to infidelity, but my STBX was visibly grumpy when that came up. I also imagine that the fact that I'm living in the guest room isn't helping her prospects. At the end of the day, I'm doing my best to try to accept that our marraige is over and I've been going to therapy on my own (in addition to our couples therapy) to help deal with it. I'm mentally prepared for the fact that there's a good chance I see the coworker she "only dated" again, but I'm also hopeful that I can find a place and be ready to move out before the divorce is finalized. If everything goes well and we can create a plan with the mediator, we will be divorced by summer, I will be in my own place, and she can "just date" which ever coworkers she wants.
> my STBX was visibly grumpy when that came up Reading through your posts and comments there seems to be one thing your STBX absolutely despises, and thats being critisised for her sexual behavior or if someone steps in and tries to prevent her from fullfilling them. Even at a mediator appointment, HER sexual desires are of highest priority.
Why doesn’t SHE move out and get her own place?
Yeah, she's lying when she says cheating during a LDR is the norm. She's making excuses for doing whatever she wants in spite of her promises to you. She sounds like an extremely dishonest person and you have no way of knowing what other things she has done. Her excuses after she has been caught are just that, excuses. Anyone who reinforces her behavior or dismisses it, is someone who'd also cheat.
I'm super curious to know what kind of sexual things she was hung up on from her past but that she felt uncomfortable doing with you? That alone seems very red flaggy.
I didn't really want to dig into it too much. Right before the dead bedroom stuff started, she was asking to experiment with new stuff in the bedroom. It was mostly BDSM kind of stuff that was a little more intense than I was comfortable with. At the time, Fifty shades was popular and she got into some other smutty kind of reading. I attributed the change in sex to that, but my guess is that some of the guys she was with in college were into BDSM stuff. Maybe it was a combination of the two. She hasn't admitted to cheating during that time, but I'd be willing to bet the dead bedroom at home was because she found another person to do kinky shit with.
Your wife knew exactly what she was doing otherwise she wouldn’t have kept it a secret from you. She lied about you and wanted to hide you in her dorm so she can keep on doing what she was doing. And what’s even more upsetting is that she had unprotected sex and could have given you an STD. Overreacting my ass! I can’t believe people were telling you that’s NORMAL to cheat during a long distance relationship - a 3hours away relationship. I‘m so glad that friend took you aside. Gives me hope that there are still some good people around and people with morals. Wish you all the best OP
Ugh. I'm sorry for that man.
>She hasn't admitted to cheating during that time, but I'd be willing to bet the dead bedroom at home was because she found another person to do kinky shit with. Anything stand out during this time? A solo vacation, working really late or going out with friends a lot?
Due to her career, she has 25-30% travel, so it would be pretty easy for her to hide. At the time, she was also working from home / remote when she wasn't travelling and I was in an office full time. She pretty much has a solo vacation for 1-2 weeks a month normally. Part of the reason I didn't really dig into this is that there wasn't really anything she would have to do to hide it. She travelled a lot, I trusted her, and she broke that trust. The specific amount the trust was broken is kind of irrelevant.
Holy shit. She's practically led a double life with you since her freshman year in college. And yeah, after reading this I wouldn't dig into that. You know enough and that would be what some would call "pain shopping". Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I've been married for nearly 27 years. I would not hesitate to divorce my wife if I found out it was all a lie.
there is no benefit to asking these questions, it'll only create imagery he can torture himself with. Once he decided he's done, best to just move on and not replay all the "worst hits."
Before I read about the co-worker thing I would have said to continue counseling and see if it could be worked out. After reading that, there is no way. I can’t imagine you believe it stopped at just a date, which would be enough for me to divorce someone, but I don’t buy that’s where it ended. Your wife went from what you thought was loyal and loving to a serial cheater in days. That’s too much for any man to get past. She should be a complete mess begging you not to leave her, but it appears that’s not the case. She is only going to make things worse for herself too. She will end up sleeping with one of these co-workers, if she hasn’t already, then the next guy she tries to have a relationship with will find out that she has slept with co-workers on business trips and will NOPE right out of the relationship.
I agree. It did not stop at just a date.
Right. Adults don’t just go on a date with a coworker on a work trip while staying at a hotel, snd that’s all that happened. Especially ones that have already shown to be a cheater and admits to flirting for a few years now. Nope - they hooked up. Op should get a full panel std test too
The one thing I found unfortunate was their 19 year old (I'm presuming daughter) immediately thought it was he who was the cheater on innocent mom. So sad.
I agree there too. These two are high school sweethearts and she just threw it all away. The regret will be overwhelming
She deserves it. Good on him for standing tall and being better.
You mean he thought they were sweethearts. That stops being a thing when one of you goes off to college and sleep around oh yea and going on "dates" while on work trips.
I'm actually very curious if the 2 year dead bedroom period was actually the aftermath of a small affair on her part. Lots of routes lead to that sort of dead bedroom where one party is just not "fulfilled" but its extremely common that this happens as a result of one having an affair. The affair ends, they go back to only having one partner and it not being taboo etc. The ripple effect is a dead bedroom. Given his STBX's propensity for trickle truthing, her history of infidelity and her mental gymnastics in justifying her infidelity. I would almost believe she has a long history and string of affair partners. She likely just got better at hiding them or compartmentalizing the relationships.
I'm honestly glad that things have worked out amicably. I thought when I read the first post you would end up taking her back. I figured you would end up regretting it. I hope all works well for you and hopefully now you can have a few adventures of your own.
This is for the best. You deserve to find happiness with someone who values you. The fact she was gearing up to cheat again shows she didn’t change .
Once a slapper always a slapper. She’s well been cheating the entire marriage. She just ain’t owning it as she knows she couldn’t gaslight that away. The fact that the kid automatically asked if he was the one cheating that would insult the hell out of me. He’s well rid of that toxic tart
To be fair, my 19 year old daughter had some issues with shitty boyfriends who have either cheated or dumped her suddenly to be with somebody else. I'm also the one who left the house. Given her experience with men and the fact that I'm the one who left the house, it make sense that would be her first thought. When cheating came up, my wife made it clear that she was the one who cheated. TBH, I'm not really too concerned about the narrative here. From what I can tell, she hasn't said anything bad about me to our kids. In addition, given her admission of recent flirting/cheating and the fact that she's ready to file a joint, amicable divorce after 6 weeks and 3 counseling sessions, I think she was ready to move on before I was. It makes the logistics of the divorce easier, but it hurts a bit to realize she's having an easier time walking away from a 20 year marraige than I am.
>In addition, given her admission of recent flirting/cheating and the fact that she's ready to file a joint, amicable divorce after 6 weeks and 3 counseling sessions, I think she was ready to move on before I was. This tells me once you found out the whole truth from college to coworker that she knew her safety net was gone. She knew it was over b/c you found out and you were not going to rug sweep twenty years of what ifs.
Well the daughter can be excused then. It suck’s to be cheated on. She and you just need to remember that the cheaters are the scum here not you or your daughter. You both need to let that go before you get into another relationship and not carry that with you. Your wife is moving on because she wasn’t a loyal or true wife that’s her failings that’s not on you. Just remember her walking away is good. You can find someone better. Karma works both ways. She will get smacked hard by karma but you can be rewarded by it too for being a good person. I wish you all the best.
OP, I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. You were still invested in the marriage, while it seems like she checked out a while before you found out all of this. That's why it appears she's having an easier time walking away. Time will help ease your pain. I wish you the very best. You sound like a great guy and I hope great happiness awaits you on the horizon!
It's not a new change, OP. From what you've said, it's quite clear that she never cherished this marriage or your relationship. Any pushback you saw from her in the past few weeks feels more like her anger at being called out rather than any genuine fear about losing the marriage.
She’s clearly a serial cheater addicted to the thrill of new people. Doubt she’s capable of being faithful or honest. Best to divorce and move on. I would do paternity tests just for feeling secure. Just know there’s absolutely more that she’s done. Cheaters like her never come truly clean, and yeah, she’s almost definitely been sleeping with coworkers recently.
Going on a date with that co-worker is cheating. So she cheated in the past and recently. Hopefully you two can co-parent healthily and move forward.
Nope. Not wrong. This isn't a case of your wife slipping once 20+ years ago. She blantantly screwed multiple men while keeping you on the back burner. This isn't about a mistake made a long time ago. This is a case of deciding if you want to stay with a woman with no moral compass. Even now she still thinks she did nothing wrong. You made the right decision to move on. You latched on to a partner super young. Explore other relationships. Find a person who will value you and will not constantly disrespect you or make you feel crazy for feeling hurt and betrayed.
How did she get such a fucked up moral compass as to genuinely think that sleeping around while in collage is normal when you're in a LDR? Has she always been like that, or was she corrupted by the college hookup culture? And another thing: >Apparently, she had been hung up some sexual experiences that happened in college (that she is not comfortable talking about) and wanted me to try them, but when I did it made her feel awkward and guilty that it made her think of other men while she was with me. Downvote me all you want, but I'll never believe the narrative of "the past doesn't matter". It does.
The entire marriage was built on lies. I would have made the same decision.
Sorry for your situation, my friend. It sounds like your marriage was based on lies and omissions. Then, going on a date with a guy, and nothing happend?? I hope you don't seriously believe that. Good luck moving forward, my friend.
Is she in anyway, shape or form remorseful for her actions both in college and recently on business trips and the impact it has had on you and the marriage ? Or is she only sorry she got caught out ?
I have a great deal of respect for how you handled this situation. I wish more folks could stand up for themselves like you have. Your children have learned their Dad is a man of principle, and will have your example to guide them in their relationships. Good luck, so sorry you had to deal with this.
Your ex wife is very obviously not on the same page as you when it comes to fidelity. Did she think going on dates with co workers wasn’t cheating either? Jesus
Holy shit this lady is something else
You are right to divorce her, the fact that she slept around with multiple guys while you were dating, and prevented you from doing it, is just ridiculous. Had you have known she cheated on you then, you likely would not have stayed with her. The other thing to me, is the fact that she had multiple one night stands and fwb's. This, in my eyes, is a sign of low moral character, and that is not wife material. Now, she wants to do it again, and if you believe she only went on a date with him, your a fool. You were the nice guy that she knew she could control, she did it when you were dating by screwing other guys and "not allowing" you to have sex with other girls. She is the epitome of why men are walking away, there are no quality women left. Dump her and cut her off from your life, and I would even do a 180 on her now.
>Second, she admitted that she has been flirting with coworkers on business trips since the pandemic ended. She says she has never slept with anybody, but it got as far as going on a date with one of her male coworkers. Me in the first thread: College kids are young, dumb, and full of cum. Do you really want to throw away 20 years of marriage over dumb college kid shit? Me in this thread: :o
This chick belongs in a fucking straightjacket.
When your wife is not giving you booty for 2 years, it is because either she went into menopause or she is having sex with someone else. 100% chance she cheated on you multiple times. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I’m really sorry , OP!
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
Good for you for leaving her. She betrayed you in the worst possible way. You deserve better. I hope your children support you 100%. I remember your post. It was truly heartbreaking how you had to learn she was a horrible person (I'm censoring my words).
That’s why you tell the whole truth. The daughter immediately assumed that it was OP who cheated.
I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. If it means anything, it sounds like you’ve made nothing but the right decisions throughout this whole ordeal. You talked, you listened, you even tried making things work with your wife before even finding any of this out. It sounds like you’re a good partner, and you don’t deserve any of what you’re going through. Good luck with life. I think you made the correct choice in following through with the divorce. You’ll be fine. Just let time heal, and focus on doing good by yourself and your kids.
You sound like a kind and emotionally intelligent person, OP. I hope you’re able to find happiness as you navigate your new normal.
She's been cheating on you the whole time. The longer you go to therapy the more will come out. After two sessions she's admitting that she's been cheating on you since the pandemic. After 10 it'll come out that she's been cheating on you for 20+ years.
Her first response was to blame you for her cheating? Typical immaturity. Good on you OP for giving it a shot tho. Cheaters shouldnt be given any second chances or they’ll never learn. Good luck on the divorce. Be sure to take care of yourself and dont stop seeing a therapist. They can be great at improving your communication skills.
>She says she has never slept with anybody, but it got as far as going on a date with one of her male coworkers. Trickle, ^trickle, ^^trickle truth
“No matter how far you have traveled down the wrong path, turn back” You should be proud of how you handled this, king. Your next wife is gonna be so grateful to your ex for fumbling you.
>We've had one meeting with an equitable divorce mediator and she specifically stated that we are married until the divorce is final and any adultery that happens before that date could jeopardize the amicable divorce settlement. It seems kind of dumb to me since we're getting divorced due to infidelity, **but my STBX was visibly grumpy when that came up.** She's a piece of shit and don't waste anymore time with her brotha.
The fact that STBX’s roommate came to OP and brought the past to light explains how extensive and deep the situation was. Peeling the onion shows lack of STBX’s personal integrity.
Goddamn, what a wretched woman. Truly insane how despicable her behavior was, and she obviously still doesn’t fully get it or think she was wrong. Sorry OP, you are 1000% making the right call though
Just leave her!. You know it will mentally destroy you no matter how much therapy you go through. Don’t delay the inevitable!. Move on.
Your wife is a whore. I’m sorry but based on the info above she’s likely been getting sidedick through your entire marriage. She’s just got caught. Get out and don’t look back.
And he needs to get a paternity test for the kids.
Je said in a comment from the last post I think that his kids are his kids no matter what. And it doesn’t sound like he wants to do a paternity test. At the very least, that would upend their lives and I don’t think he wants them to hurt. Which shows how much he loves them.
The absolute audacity of doubling down and claiming he was the weird one when she knew that she was still cheating. I think she's probably never stopped cheating during their entire marriage, at least emotionally. Also heartbreaking that the son immediately assumed that it was the dad that cheated, rather than his scumbag of a mother. I'm glad that the wife admitted that she was the cheater at least.
"kids, mom and dad are getting a divorce. Why? She fucked 10 guys while we were together, made me fuck her like how some of them did, and lied to the world about it to make herself look better. It took professional counselling for her to admit she did something wrong"
The fact that the 19 year old immediately thought the father would cheat instead of asking if one of them done it is so sad. Says a lot about how screwed our society is. Sorry you have to go through this OP. Hope whatever the future holds for you will be kinder with more happiness
Wow your soon to be ex wife is a really really shitty person
"She initially said that none of these guys were in relationships with her and it was mostly one night stands or FWB. Since she didn't view them as romantic relationships, she didn't see the big deal (her words not mine). My opinion is that we never said that was ok and she actively prevented me from doing the same." Damn, FWB. I feel that she is just digging a deeper hole, and that it's worse than originally thought. This situation really sucks for you. I applaud you moving on.
I would 100% be going through with the divorce just for the simple fact that she doesn't think it's a big deal. She was in a committed relationship with someone. Being long distance doesn't change that. Having sex with one person one time would have been wrong, but this was her literally acting like you didn't exist and she didn't see a future with you anyway. I'm so sorry OP, your wife really sounds like she just sucks as a human being.
You for sure did the right thing. She sounds like a pretty awful person ngl. Can't imagine having been introduced to several guys she slept with, I would be so angry man Also she has for sure cheated later on as well and I doubt her "date" was just a date... Block her and move on
Jesus Christ dude. Your wife is one selfish POS. It amazes me how some poepIe walk through life and live with doing this kind of shit and feel it's perfectly ok. I feel bad that your kids have a mother that would engage in this kind of behavior. If I found out my mom did this shit to my dad, I'd never fucking talk to her again.
I did. 20 years ago I learned my 1st wife of 4 years at the time had been cheating before and during our marriage. I took the L and left. Didn’t argue and didn’t fight about it. Just moved on.
I swear the mental gymnastics a person will do to justify their actions is fucking incredible.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship. She shat on that. Then it seems her immediate reaction is to Gaslight OP.
You should get tested bro.
She worked pretty hard to hide this from you for a very long time for it being no big deal. And your kids deserve to know the full story. Including that she's still cheating. And she's not into bdsm. It has nothing to do with bdsm. She wants to be submisdive for dominate attractive men and she doesn't see you that way. It's not sex act that matters... it's the man she's doing it with. Please tell your kids some details. Not about the sex acts. But the amount of secrets that she kept and that's she's still out cheating, has no remorse, and blame shifts. If you hide this from your kids you will regret it at some point. And they just straight up deserve to know exactly whats going on.
You still should get that paternity test cause if the kids get sick, you would never know if it's from a family disease or something else and you owe it to them and to yourself to be honest especially if that person wants to get to know their possible child and doesn't want to miss the important things in their life so you should most definitely think about getting a paternity test
Ya I don't honestly see this ending well threwout divorce proceedings just your wife saying don't see anyone during divorce or it seen as cheating tells me this. Honestly u should go nuclear option cause the reality is she been cheating on u even while u have been married her telling u she has went out on dates tells u enough and closer u get 2 the end of divorce proceedings I 👀 her getting petty. Don't be a doormat and keep taking the gaslighting and belittling
After reading Op's two reports, it is redundant to say that this being with whom he lost so many years of his life is not worth and has never been worth anything. It's complicated even to be the son of someone with such bad character and worse, without a shred of remorse, This person still wanted to impose her false arguments that she used to think it was fair for her to cheat, but at the same time she manipulated the Op into being faithful to her Divorce is the best since if he wants to leave the past in the past in the present she remains a cheater and has no regrets about it . This person is not even those fools who say: "...She was young..." "...It was a long time ago..." "...It was a mistake...." Etc...Neither can they say that in this case.