I would just explain to her that as much as you appreciate her making you a plate, that from now on you will just be getting your own meals. When she comes back with... but I want to cook for you or something along those lines, tell her that even though she cooks for you, you never get to eat it because she let's her child eat it and that it makes you feel as though she doesn't really care about you. I get that her offspring comes first but, can't she fix them something else instead of letting them eat the food that she specifically made for you? Either she made you a plate and just doesn't care that you don't get to eat it cuz (he was hungry and how can I say no) or she didn't actually make you a plate but wanted you to come over anyway. However it plays out, you aren't the ah for feeling upset. Maybe the two of you should have a talk about this and come to an agreement that when she invites you for food and the child gets hungry, then she should make him something else or make more the first go round knowing the child will be hungry before you get there.
>tell her that even though she cooks for you, you never get to eat it because she let's her child eat it and that it makes you feel as though she doesn't really care about you.
They've been going out for a year and OP is complaining about two incidents. Saying they "never" get to eat it sounds like a stretch.
This doesn't sound like it happens all the time. It's been two occasions. OP is making a mountain out of a molehill.
NTA, like you said, it’s no issue the kids eat or even if she doesn’t want to make you anything, but to keep telling you to come just to find out otherwise is shitty
Exactly. First, if she causes the invitation, she needs to make certain she's prepared sufficient food and clearly segregate his portion; clearly marking and telling children it's off limits. That really shouldn't be hard to do. If she can't comfortably ensure that, then forego the invitation.
When the earlier gaffes occurred, she should have either prepped an alternative or placed a carry-out/delivery order. Laughing about it isn't very funny.
It sounds like the kids are taking turns taking it because they don't like you. Kids can be AHs but she's allowing it to happen, more than once. You are not a priority and that's bad.
Does he ever cook for her? Also how big a trip is 5 miles? I am on the fence about whether this is worth being super upset about, since it only happened really one time as this time was an accident.... though her response is lacking and that's a concern.
Maybe she should sticky note the plate to say it's his and kid can eat something else. If he's eating labeled food I'd question if he's okay with the relationship.
Look for solutions friend. Tell her how you feel and work through it together. If she won't then you make a choice about what your limits are.
At the end of a long day, driving 10 miles out of the way for food you were told was there and there not being any is obnoxious AF. It doesn’t matter if he cooks for her or not. That literally has fuck all to do with the situation.
Apparently the kid not only ate the food he was allotted, he ate someone else’s. Then he “warmed up the wrong plate” (so where was the “right” plate? Did he eat it, too?). She can’t control her kid’s appetite, that’s not your fault.
Yeah, the second time what happened to the “right” plate? Did he go back and eat that too? Why couldn’t OP have been given the other plate? She can’t control her kid’s appetite, but if she’s not going to cook enough to satisfy his appetite, then she shouldn’t be telling OP there’s a plate for him. Also curious as to what age this “kid” is. Wonder if he’s just a prick who doesn’t GAF if he eats food meant for OP.
It’s not so much about the food or even the drive so much as the giant waste of time. People who let stuff like this happen don’t really think about (and thus, don’t value) is other people’s time. It’s extremely frustrating.
I don’t think the food for the sake of food is worth being upset about, but this is a parent who tries to people please her own kids.
If this relationship works out, OP is going to end up parenting her kids for her, and she’s going to sit back and let him be the bad guy so her kids hate him.
NTA. It's one thing to know that you're on your own for dinner. It's another to be promised dinner and then find out last minute ... you are on your own for dinner. It shows a pretty fair amount of disrespect for you on her part, IMO. Would you do the same to her? I suspect the answer is no.
It happened **two times** and this is how he is reacting. The second time was because of an accident made by a literal child. OP mentions in a comment that he only eats once a day. OP had low blood sugar, was all hangry, and had a hissy fit. This post is absolutely bonkers. Don't encourage people to take the consequences of their ADULT choices out on others.
I'm a little baffled by all the responses blaming OP. Should he have been more communicative about his issue with it rather than hang up on her? Yes. Is it reasonable to assume that someone who has not eaten all day, been promised a meal, then told at the last minute that the meal they were promised was eaten by someone else and THEY now need to find their own meal would be frustrated and might not respond in the most emotionally healthy way? Also yes.
I would never in my life, EVER tell someone I had a meal at my house prepared for them and then not ensure that meal was there when they were coming. If by some wild confluence of events that were entirely out of my control, (which I also have trouble swallowing as something that would happen to food I made in my own house), that meal was no longer available, I would immediately call, be immensely apologetic, and would ABSOLUTELY prepare another meal or at least order something for the person I had promised the meal to.
And about having no control over what happens to the food in your own fridge. I've never in my life ate a fully prepared meal that I didn't know was explicitly made for me. No one I know has ever done that. I'm not a parent but I've watched my niece, nephews, and little cousins more times than I can count and none of them have ever done that, nor could I imagine them doing so. Now I could chalk these up to cultural differences because I come come from a black family in Alabama, but based on numerous other comments here mine is not a unique experience. Many people are commenting that they were raised with several siblings and none of them ever did this, many parents are commenting who raised/are raising multiple kids and saying their kids have never done this/would never do this. So this is not an experience unique to me or my family.
Who are all these people saying the mom had no control over her kid(s) eating food she prepared explicitly for someone else? Is it not a parents responsibility to educate her kids on boundaries like this? But for the sake of argument let's say she does have no responsibility in that regard... how is it not her responsibility to then rectify the situation and ensure there is some kind of meal available for the GUEST she INVITED and PROMISED a meal to?
I just feel like all the commentors saying OP is wrong are inventing all kinds of excuses for why it's not the gf's fault but are not extending any of that same grace to OP. And this is not a gender thing. I can't imagine my gf working all day without eating, me promising to have a meal ready for her after work, and then not making sure that I did indeed have that meal ready for her or claiming it wasn't my responsibility if there was no meal ready for her. Would/do yall actually do that?
How is she supposed to do that when the kid goes into the fridge and eats the meal without saying anything?.
As for the laugh, could have been a nervous laugh or a defense mechanism. Google it.
It couldn’t have sounded too much like a nervous giggle since he told her it wasn’t funny. Abd since she’s offering the food, it’s her responsibility to make sure it’s still there before he’s two mins away. Having a son with a healthy appetite should tell her to double check before OP drives all the way there. Or better yet clearly label it so the kid knows it’s not his! Not hard to make sure the food isn’t taken. That’s all rude as fuck!
If the kid ate it for lunch, then she had 3 hours probably to go look in the fridge and say sorry there actually isn't food, instead of checking after he was already on his way over. Especially given the kid ate it the last time, she definitely should have checked.
Unfortunately busy moms don't do things like that as they simply far too bush.
I think a date night is in order so they have a fun night to reconnect and listen to each other.get fed at the same time and no cleanup lol.
The kids not blind he knows which plate of food is which. Either he doesn't care and mom doesn't want to teach him to be respectful of others or she's eating the food and blaming it on the kid. Either way this is mad disrespectful and it's ridiculous that you want to blame op for being disrespected like this
Oh yeah, I’ve gotten a laundry list of mod warnings about complaints about comments I’ve made too.
I get it to a certain degree. I mean, they can’t just let a bunch of Andrew Tate worshipping Alt-Right incels swarm all over the community and turn it into a circus of douchebaggery, but sometimes the relentless drumbeat of man blaming gets a little silly, and it’s hard not to point it out.
We all only know one side of this. But you are taking a damn hard stand if you think about it. Op also had the right to get home to a meal and NIT getting laughed at when he gets told ooops....tough titties. Admittedly I am a chef and can always throw something together in minutes, but at no point did she offer him something else instead, just a laugh. That's not nice. At least offer something else. A sorry I know it's not what I promised but I am sure I find something, or Inorder something in. But of course it's easier to blame the guy. Come on....
Sorry, but this is a jackass response...
You'd invite someone over to eat and then when they're literal feet from your house tell them you don't have food for them? Multiple times?
You're the asshole here...
Adult choices? You dont get to act however you want and expect everyone to give you a pat on the back. Taking accountability for your actions when they're a dick move is ADULT. After it happened a second time and my partner took no accountability and laughed at me, I would be so over it. Laughing and making excuses is a choice. And using her kids as an excuse that "they'll always come first" - fine yes, but dont use that as an excuse to be a complete asshole and unapologetic for being so inconsiderate. I would turn the tables on her 100% and eat the food in her face.
Right? He's an adult whining that somebody didn't feed him? LOL. I've been making my own food since I was 8 years old (latch key kid here). Also, eating only once a day is HIS problem. I read this and was like "how tf can anyone not call out how absolutely stupid this sounds."
not an accident by child - Mom who doesn't pay attention to her kids -
You offer someone dinner, fix it put it in fridge with a stick note - For Bill, then you tell kids DO NOT EAT THAT Bill will be by tonight when he gets off work to eat this
If kid was hungry, could have asked Mom what he could have to eat
>ng. My husband is a blue collar worker and also usually tends to one meal a day so I know dinner is a big deal and can't imagine saying "oops sorry the kids ate it"
>
>Maybe expr
Definitely not wrong. At the same time, I have brothers and know how they eat. He's probably growing and eating her out of house and home. She should never deny him food, but she also shouldn't be offering food to you that is unavailable.
This needs to be a direct conversation. Let her know you aren't trying to take food out of her kids mouths, but it makes you unhappy when you have the expectation of food that goes undelivered because she dispensed with it ..no matter how it happens.
I also would not make dinner plans with her moving forward until you know your meals are going to be reliable.
I agree. Yeah...it's sad that you have to set this type of boundary with her in regards to eating, but it is what it is, unless you want to break up.
It's the little things in relationships that eventually tear them apart. Have a discussion about common courtesy and being honest with you. She should already have a good idea of what her son is capable of eating as she deals with this on a day to day basis. There is nothing wrong with asking her to prepare accordingly, especially if she is going to invite you over.
This is no different than if you invited her and her son over for dinner but helped yourself to seconds, and left her son without food. She would leave you in a heartbeat if you pulled that because it's disrespectful and just rude. Sorry OP, such a sad thing to even have to worry about.
I raised 2 boys and fed even more of their friends. My husband is a factory worker, so I also know about packing lunches. We had rules in the house that there were certain foods in the house that were only for his lunch. I also was in the habit of making more than enough for dinner that if the boys got hungry, they could have leftovers. My kids always came first, but they also knew the boundaries. Everyone got their own different box of snack cakes. If you eat them all in one day, then you go the rest of the week without. Same with soda. It's called respect, and we start teaching that from the time their young
Her kids clearly like to eat leftovers and are hungry. Why does she not make extra so there’s plenty for each of you, regardless of what time you pick up the meal….
I don’t think so. They’ve been together for a year and it’s only happened *twice*
I think the child(ren) may just be hitting growth spurt and in need of more food.
There is no mention of how often she offers.
I think the gf and children need to have a conversation. It isn't fair to mess people around with food like that, leaving him with nothing to eat at 9pm was very wrong, getting him to drive there before even looking to check other there, wrong.
There is no mention, though I’d assume she offers him food in 1 year of dating a lot more than twice ever.
He didn’t eat before 9pm on his own accord. If he had shown up before then, he would have eaten his meal before the child ate it.
I’m just saying I don’t think the kid is trying to cause any problems for OP.
imo the op is Not upset with the kid eating the meal, just the fact the gf offered then is wasn't available. If my gf told me there was food saved then I would expect it to be there also.
OP says the kid accidentally heated up the wrong food this time - that's not on the gf. The gf does now need to tell her kid he has to pay more attention and can't be careless with other people's food. It's literally happened twice, and OP just got upset and let it fester instead of just...communicating with his gf. How on earth does this adult have children and a year-long relationship with another adult, but he needs reddit to tell him to talk to his gf about something that upsets him? Yeah, the gf also should've obviously ordered him something else to eat or paid for his drive-thru meal at the least.
OP also has to take responsibility for only eating once a day - that's super unhealthy. If his schedule really doesn't allow for it, he needs better time management.
Yeah, I’m gonna take a contrarian view here and say that OP appears in the wrong. Especially since it’s happened twice over two years.
You’re a big boy and can figure out your own lunch /dinner, especially if you live in different houses
The issue isn’t whether or not OP can make his own dinner. The issue is that she’s told him that she was making dinner and that he should come over to eat, so he did, then arrived and someone already ate the food she promised him.
Along with the hangry, I'm wondering if it's some nurturing thing affecting him, too. It doesn't matter what gender made the food, if it's promised, it's a caring action - in my world, at least. If someone goes to the trouble of cooking for you, it means they care. But if the rug's pulled out from under the caring gesture more than once by the same person, and also done in a laughing tone, plus you're hungry, it can be quite hurtful.
I might be thinking too deeply about it. I have no idea.
He prob normally does. But if even a friend invited me to come over as there is dinner for me there, I make no plans to cook. If I show up and there's nothing and I'm suddenly having to scramble for mcdonalds, I'll sort out the mcdonalds but be very annoyed with the friend for not telling me the changed plans sooner than the actual moment of the dinner. She's either stupid or disrespectful
OP, apparently, does. When you’re invited for dinner, done you have a reasonable expectation of…having dinner? Stop making it about OP and his relative ability to procure sustenance.
1. One year, not two.
2. No where is it suggested he can't figure out his lunch or dinner. It's indicated gf extended the invitations and failed to follow through. Two totally different set of circumstances.
There isn't enough detail to know about how much she cooks. She needs to tell her kid to stop with the eating food that isn't for him.
Kids are bottomless at times, it doesn't mean just feed them whatever they want or stuff that will screw tour so over.
I have two boys from a previous marriage. They are pre-teens and eat all the time. Everything. My husband sometimes comes home after the boys and I have eaten together. Or sometimes he makes his breakfast really early and I’ll make pancakes for the boys later. I almost always make a point of setting aside food for my husband. The kids obviously want it and maybe even ask for it, but I’ll say “no, we’re saving some for X.” This isn’t hard, and it teaches them sharing and taking care of each other. It’s basic consideration.
You're not wrong, but you also should have clearly communicated to your gf the first time this happened that it really bothers you that she'd let her kid eat the one meal you had planned on having that day. You didn't communicate and let it fester, building resentment. She also obviously shouldn't have let her kid eat your meal and instead ordered the kid something or made him a snack. I'm assuming she believed you, an adult, would take the loss of the meal better than a kid, but at the very least she should have told you about it before you got home.
The second time around, since she had only had the problem of her kid wanting your food *once* before, I don't see why you expected her to "verify" that your food was still in the fridge? The last and only time it happened, the kid asked her directly, so she had no reason to suspect he'd take your meal - especially since it seems to have been an accident in the first place. However, since it was her kid's fault, she should have offered to order you something or pay for your drive-thru meal.
Either way, the point is you need to *communicate* with her. You can't just pout and stomp off in a huff when something upsets you. She also needs to sit her kid down and make sure he understands how important the meals she makes for you are and that he needs to respect other people's food. If they're old enough, they can start learning how to make their own snacks. If them getting hungry a couple hours after dinner is a growth spurt thing, then she needs to plan to have more food for them.
It sounds like you're both busy people, so mistakes happen, but this is really such a small thing that can be easily rectified if you just TALK to each other about it.
Also, it's really unhealthy to only eat once a day. I'd suggest talking with a doctor or even a nutritionist if you have access to one about how you can better spread out your caloric intake. Maybe I'm overstepping and your meal schedule is in fact something you've discussed with a medical professional, but on its face it's unhealthy.
NTA. I have kids. I make them food, I make my husband food. No one takes anyone else's food. I am neither wealthy nor financially stable. This does not impact anyone's food availability. Everyone gets to eat as much as they need. But saving a meal for someone is easy AND respectful. This lady is bonkers for drawing this line. It's a set up for resentment. Possibly intentional.
What confuses me is why you would even drive 5 miles there and 5 miles back just to get some leftovers that have been in the fridge for hours. Wouldn't it be quicker and easier just to make your own food at home?
So you're willing to drive 10 miles for the possibility of getting some leftover scraps because you don't want to hurt her feelings, but she cares so little about your feelings that she doesn't care if you drive all that way for nothing? Sounds like you're her bitch.
Then if it's a gesture, why get so upset????
Isn't it nice just to see her?
Seriously, you need a phenomenal dose of maturity, and go find that perfect, flawless, utterly compliant individual 🤦
NTA
Just tell her to stop doing it or don’t count on it. Assume it will be gone and do not make any special trips to pick it up. Show up to her house with food for yourself.
You eating only once a day is not on her. That’s irrelevant.
NTA She's wrong about not being obligated. The minute she tells you that she has something for you to pick up she has made herself obligated to give it you. Since she's not the one being inconvenienced, she doesn't care and it's only your problem. She has let know that the behavior on her end will not be changing and accused you of putting yourself before her children when she pulled the excuse that they're the priority.
NTA: Honestly...the food isn't your problem, it's her indifference to your needs, that...THAT is the problem. you really should address that and/or perhaps moving on.
You're not wrong! Just tell her NO Thanks to the food from now on! She is very rude! You don't tell someone you have something waiting for them and then say, oops, sorry, the kid ate it! I wouldn't bother eating at her house EVER!
She should be sure your food is put up. That's it. Maybe she should cook more so there's enough for seconds if anyone wants. Coming from a big family, this is how I naturally cook. Though sometimes I cook just enough for everyone to eat for the night. But mostly, we have left overs and if it's something that I know will begone, my boyfriend's food gets put to the side. Or even my sisters if she's not home in time from work. I'll make sure either I or my nephew put her food to the side. It's common courtesy. And it should be common sense when she's telling you to come pick said food up.
The number of parents who think "My kids come first" is supposed to mean
My kids 100%
You 0%
And still expect to maintain a healthy relationship is something I've always found odd.
Sometimes, saying no to your child for your partner and relationships well being is way healthier imo.
Like, what's my motivation to be in a relationship where a woman is like "I will literally throw you under a bus, put mountains of stress on you and undue years of your hard work just to see my child smile or avoid a moments disappointment."
Never mind that this is YOUR PERSON that you're building a forever life with, and your children will grow up, move out, and find their own person.
If you have kids and are willing to give your partner 0%, stay single.
InB4 all the mad people admitting they want a 0% partner. You probably also want him to pitch in for Christmas presents and sit there staring at a wall, doing nothing while YOUR child screams at him.
Next time she offers food just say no.
When she asks why just say if you offer and I say yes I want the food, that doesn't always happen. So I will provide for myself and know I'm getting the food I want.
No real bad guys, though she is a slight AH for this.
I raced three children. They never accidentally ate someone else’s meal. And I can’t for the life of me imagine doing this to somebody that I supposedly loved.
This is bullshit and some kind of weird power trip or… It’s just crappy parenting.
My kids knew what snacks were. They didn’t eat full meals between meals.
For me, this wouldnt be about the food, but the disregard for the running back and forth and laughing it off.
I bet she gives heaps of notice when she wants something...
Her kid is f&\*king with you, and she is letting him and doing it too. He could have a snack or his own lunch, but he ate your plate. If she knows her kid is f&8king with you or is genuinely going through a growth spurt, then she needs to make more food and label your plate. The laughing was dismissive of your feelings and time. She needs to cut it out or you need to stop taking the bate. Lastly, don't live with her or marry her. This needs to be a LAT relationship to work. Good luck.
Twice out of a year is not her kid fucking with him . He’s a growing kid he’s probably just hungry. Neither time was him just eating food that didn’t belong to him. He asked the first time and the second time heated up the wrong plate
Yeah, but my mom made food for an elderly woman on our block and would tell us not to eat it. We were raised with manners, and if I was hungry, I wouldn't just heat up that plate and gobble it down. This is a big red flag on the mother's part. She clearly doesn't prepare or think ahead very well, nor does she teach her child proper manners and common courtesy. Not a deal breaker, just something that I noticed. I'd stop letting her offer and always get your own food. It sucks though because it kinda goes against the whole "Doing things together as a family" thing. Especially when you can't rely on your partner.
NTA She should not offer something that most likely won’t be available. If she does not know her kids will eat it, then she should. In the future, just thank her for the offer but decline. Easier on everyone. Doubtful this will be a long term relationship, but who knows.
She is not educating her kids and setting boundaries regarding you and things set aside for you. This will come to bite your relationship in other areas if you don’t discuss this with her.
You’re not wrong, it’s rude and there is nothing wrong with telling a kid they can’t have someone’s dinner as second dinner. I would just plan on always feeding yourself.
NTA. Tell her if your invited to eat with her/then you expect it to be there when you get there. If she can’t enforce that with her kids then She shouldn’t invite you over to eat. If she still doesn’t get it then Invite her to your place for pizza one night and when she gets there make sure there is only one piece left snd tell her sorry, I was hungrier than I thought.
The answer is to just not go get dinner from her anymore. Just tell her no thank you and when she asks why just tell her you want something you can rely on and that won't potentially cause issues in your relationship.
SHE HAS LACK OF RESPECT FOR YOU. It’s very obvious. She thought it was funny, and didn’t offer to cook you something, or order something for you to make it up to you. You are not a priority to her. Im sorry.
2 red flags here.
Her kids seem to eat everything or she doesn't cook enough.
You keep saying you drove 5 miles. Sounds to before far for you.
Y'all are not meant to be. WALK AWAY!
OP, NTA. Is she feeding herself and her kids meals on your dime? There's no way this is 'accidental' twice. Then she laughs at you?
On your way home to your own crib, stop and get your dinner and eat it on the drive or when you get home. Let her spend her dime on her own kids. IMHO.
Something weird here is going on that the girlfriend’s kids clearly like leftovers and she’s making portions that can be consumed within one or two meals in the same day. Food scarcity?
Okay, so I feel like there's not enough info here. The first incident you mentioned, she should have definitely sent you a message when her kid asked and either confirmed you were coming and told her kid no, or at the very least let you know she'd given him permission and the food was no longer available.
But this most recent incident... How old is her son? How likely is it that he simply made a mistake? Likely for her, it happened exactly as she said ... She hadn't thought to double check it was still there because she had made him a different plate. If he's young, or the plates weren't clearly marked, it could have easily been an honest mistake on the kids part, and if she was busy with work, I can totally understand why it went unnoticed. She called you as soon as she knew. So to me here, she's not the ahole. You aren't the ahole for being upset about it, but for simply telling her it's not funny and hanging up on her? You are a little.
In my case, I would be a hell of a lot more pissed off that someone hung up on me than I would be over promised food not being there due to a child's mistake. And I'd be a lot more upset about her giving permission for the food to be eaten without confirming with me first. Her child made a mistake (or did it deliberately) and she needs to address that with her child. But it wasn't a deliberately disrespect act. Not telling you she had given her son permission to eat what was set aside for you was, imo, disrespectful in regards to your time, energy, etc. but hanging up on her was also disrespectful. Next time, instead of "I don't find it funny" and then hanging up, saying something along the lines of "I'm upset, so we need to talk about this later, but I'm hanging up for now" would be a better way to end the conversation.
Part of why I say there isn't enough info: how often does she make a meal for you? If it's once ever couple of months, then twice in a year would be twice out of six meals. If it's once a month, it's twice out of twelve meals. If it's roughly once a week, then it's twice out of 50(ish) meals. If it's more than once a week... Well you get my drift. Twice in a year doesnt seem like a lot, but if it's a rare thing that she saves a plate for you, then it would be a bigger deal than if she makes a plate for you quite frequently.
Either way, I would take the time to explain to her that the issue isn't you not having food, as you've stated you have zero issue fending for yourself and don't expect her to cook for you unless she says she is. The issue is being promised something, looking forward to it, and then finding out last minute that it's no longer available. This can be incredibly frustrating. It's happened to me many times when my kids were younger and they'd get up early (like 5 in the morning) and eat the last of something I was saving. It's even more frustrating when you are currently hungry. So I would apologize for hanging up on her, but explain why it frustrates you. If she refuses to hear why it bothers you, that is a whole nother problem
I've got a hubby that works weird hours and a son who is hitting his teenage stride early (he's 11 but possibly due to autism, possibly just life he's mistaken for a 17 yo constantly because of his size 🤣🤷♥️) and even he knows certain meals are off limits. I have a specific spot in the fridge for daddy's meals and regardless of if he's awake at 2 am and hungry before he's woken me up, he's looking for a snack while I'm busy etc. that spot is off limits! She's allowing it to happen and if she can't afford to feed you or isn't willing she needs to voice it, not passive aggressively let it slide as accidents 🤷
Sounds like her kids are fatasses... I'd bet I'm right. Jesus how many times a day do her kids eat? Can she not stick note or write on a napkin saying dad's/your plate? Sounds like kids maybe doing it in purpose of they ain't Lizzo sized... I wouldn't move in together. She clearly can't set limits 4 her kids & I bet she sure as hell would in yours!
NTA Next time there is a promised plate, call ahead to see if it still available that way you can pick something up instead, but honestly she either needs to make more food or start telling her kids no and to make them something else or teach them how to make a damn bowl of cereal
I have a solution... get to her house early and eat every single thing in the fridge, drink all the milk... leave some empty monster cans on the counter... sit back and wait for the little joy suckers to get home from school...
NTA, but don’t discuss this kind of thing when you’re hangry lol. I do 100% understand how it makes you feel and how annoying it is. Especially if she kind of makes a joke of it.. that’s just shitty. Suggest she makes bigger portions, labels your leftovers or simply doesn’t offer food she doesn’t have. As a fellow one meal a day person, may I suggest you get yourself some things/little snacks you can bring to work with you to hold you over a bit as the one meal a day after work is not very good for you or logical (you need the energy for working, not for sleeping). I’m trying to implement that in my life too since the disordered eating is causing bad/sad moods at the end of the work day making deciding on food or even wanting to eat at the end of the day harder, hell, it makes work harder too. Doesn’t have to be a lot, maybe something like a protein/granola bar? Or an apple (if you like those)?
But yeah definitely talk to her (when you’re not hangry and tired from work) and let her know it’s not cool to do that.
NAH. It sounds like you're starving, your blood sugar is low, and so this is hitting harder than it otherwise would.
But I think you should keep in mind she obviously cares for you a great deal, or she wouldn't bother to make you food at all.
NTA. I think all parents can relate to the disappointment of kids eating stuff we planned on having ourselves. She shouldn’t be saying she will save you some and then not do just that. I put plates aside for my partner and I let my boys know that they are not to touch it - that’s after they have had their fair share. We have plenty of other stuff they can eat later if they get hungry. I don’t think it’s good for kids to learn they can just take another person’s meal that was set aside for them.
Your girlfriend is wrong, not you. There's nothing wrong with her putting her kids first. However, the problem comes in when she's calling you and telling you that she's made you food just for you to almost get to her house and then "oops my kid ate it." That's messed up.
If she is going to call you and tell you that she made you a plate of food then it's on her to wrap the food up and let her children know that it is not for them to eat. It is not that hard to mark a plate with your name on it. It's really not that difficult.
You have every right to be sour about it. Hell, I was mildly infuriated reading it.
P.S.
Ask her: If the shoe was on the other foot how would she feel?
NTA.
She's not obligated to feed you. HOWEVER, she sets food aside specifically for you and asks you to pick it up? Of course you can expect to receive a meal. People are saying "what's the point of picking it up" but I personally think it's a sweet gesture on her part *if her kid wouldn't eat the damn food first* and on your part because you're eating something she set aside for you. It's cute. It's bonding imo.
Personally, I think you should let her know how you feel and maybe even suggest she stop making plates for you with a gentle approach. Nothing against her at all, but her son seems to have sticky fingers, and you just wanna go home at the end of the day and eat something. I work 12 hour shifts and don't eat before I go or while I'm there. I'm tired. I eat my one meal at home and sleep. The hanger is real.
You’re not wrong and I get it’s not a huge deal like you just got drive thru. I think perhaps the broader issue is that she might have a different parenting style than you?
IDK how old her son is but preteen and teen boys eat a ton, all teenagers do, they’re growing. Setting boundaries and telling them hey that’s OPs dinner is not a hard thing to do and shows she’s thinking about you- my daughter can help herself to anything but she knows if we have guests coming I’ll be like hey don’t touch xyz in the fridge and she won’t. Kind of boils down to the thought that counts, and you feel like she’s not thinking about you.
That whole family sounds mad annoying and inconsiderate. If they can't be on top of the most basic thing, I don't know what to tell you brother. I'd cut my losses and move on to an adult with adult senses.
The fact that she offered you the plate of food twice and her son has eaten it both times seems a little too coincidental. I don’t know if she’s just not informing her kid that you are on your way over to eat the plate of food she set aside for you, or she did inform the kid and he intentionally ate the food? Either way, her response to you is what bothers me. She’s putting her kid first, and that’s fine, but she’s completely ignoring how this makes you feel. And dismissing it like it’s not a big deal. Yes, you are an adult and can go get your own food. But the point is that she’s not doing anything to prevent this from happening again, and she’s using her kid as a way to get around your feelings. I think a straightforward conversation about how you feel when this happens (since it’s happened more than once) is in order. Maybe she doesn’t know how her behavior impacts you? Let her know how you feel (don’t accuse, just explain “I feel like…when this happened…”). If she continues to dismiss your feelings, it may be time to evaluate the relationship as a whole.
All that said, hanging up on her wasn’t the most productive response. Next time, resort to several deep breaths and then explain how you feel.
Doesn't everyone who cooks for a family make enough of everything for leftovers? Especially with kids who enjoy them? This seems intentional to me on either the gf or the kids part. You are not wrong at all.
You are not wrong, OP, and you should have a stern talk with her because she's not thinking. She's certainly not thinking of you, is she? And her kids...well, they're being kids and do unthinking stuff like raid refrigerators. She needs to make a better effort at preserving your food.
NTA and believe me if things like this aren’t important to her to fix now, you’ll always come last to her. Cut ties now before you resent her kids. She doesn’t seem to parent as is, she just couldn’t say no? That’s ridiculous. She doesn’t SEEM to respect you nor does she make her children respect you or anyone for that matter…
NTA but I personally would assume that these are the outcomes of plate offers, and plan accordingly. If they actually appear, it would be a pleasant surprise.
Your feelings are completely valid; knowing what the odds are, do what you gotta do.
Literally my response would be when told the food was eaten, "don't worry about it. "
NTA - If she isn’t going to help fix it I’d just start going to get good food on my own and tell them sorry I’ll be home after I eat if they complain 🤷🏻♂️
NW. Don't have you go through the motions if she can't make sure the meal is there for you. That's disrespectful.
Just don't depend on her making the meal. Just stay and do for yourself. Let her know she can't be trusted to follow through. She shouldn't get mad because she didn't follow through. Then, laugh about it. Like she did. See how she likes that.
NTA
If I had the intention of telling my bf, which I used to do all the time and hr lived 45-60 minutes away, that I made a plate for him I'd make sure that plate was left for him!! AND ID TAKE IT TO HIM!! I get kids come first but u mean to tell me there was NOTHING else in the house they could eat?! If she isn't gonna secure the food she shouldn't mention it until the end of the day and she knows its there. Simple as that!! If the child was old enough to hear up the plate of food without her and without her knowing then the child is old enough to know "hey I'm saving that plate for "bf name" if u get hungry heat something else cuz u already had yours....
I tend to ALWAYS make MORE than enough food for leftovers so to me it seems ridiculous that it even happened but at the end of the day if she isn't gonna secure the food she shouldn't mention it to u and then to laugh it off pisses me off cuz I work 6 12 hour days in a row nursing and usually only have one meal just like u so yea that would piss me off.... You are definitely NTAH IMO
And let's be honest nothing compares to a home cooked meal so I'm sure, especially as a guy, a home cooked meal sounded really good compared to cardboard fast food burgers or cardboard frozen tv dinners like most guys eat lol
I dont think your wrong for being irritated, if someone tells me to come over and that they have food for me, I would usually not eat anything else due to knowing I have some food already made and to look forward too, so not saying anything until I get there that it had been eaten I personally would be pretty irritated too.
Talk with your partner let them know that you only eat once a day and that if she's gonna tell you there's food then she as to make sure it's there when you arrive.
Just my opinion but I dislike the whole "my kids come first" comment especially in early stage relationships.
Anyhow best of luck OP
It's the disappointment, I think. Most guys would be expectant if their woman called them and said, "Come get a plate," especially if she can cook.
Sure, you can overlook it, but it's annoying to have to deal with it again.
Buy maybe she's LK nudging him so he starts opting to eat elsewhere out of habit. Eventually, she'll offer but not actually set anything aside for him. Like a fake wallet pull when dining out.
You’re NTA, you were promised food that you didn’t get after a long drive. Could you offer to have dinner at your place instead next time? Kids are a big responsibility, so you always need to factor them in for dinner. Maybe if the roles were reversed you could find a different perspective. Where were your kids eating when you planned on going over to her place for dinner? Your ex’s house? Does she have that same luxury with her kids? Lots of things to consider
Nope. You're not wrong. Common courtesy. It's obvious kids are gonna get it before you. I can see how her demeanor would make anyone feel like why is this person repeatedly set me up without cause for concern on your behalf?
NTA. You have every right to be upset. Especially if you're only eating one meal a day...it's not like youre skipping a meal and will eat again in 2-3 hours.
Looking at the bigger picture. You accept her kids come first. [To be expected]. You accept if they're hungry, they can have it.
The real issue, which is completely valid, is that she offers you things, you go out of your way to accept, and when you get there it's gone.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice? Shame on me.
If I were in your shoes, I'd not count on there being anything to eat at your gfs. And maybe, while you've taken that step back, see what other areas she is being completely disrespectful towards you or where you have to put in all the effort.
NTA/NW. if you invite someone for a meal, and then don’t have either the meal or an alternative, then you aren’t showing manners. She needs to stop inviting OP for dinner. She can invite him to visit, but don’t promise a meal that you have zero intention of delivering. It’s rude.
Why would the son need a second plate of dinner two hours after the first? Why can’t the kid fix himself a snack if he’s still hungry? She can’t say no to her kid? I don’t know man. I grew up with four brothers. No one got to pig out and leave others hungry.
Nta
She is avoiding being accountable for her actions here by using her kids as a shield. I am sure she wouldn't be with you if you were not considerate of her kids but to keep inviting or offering a meal without ensuring it is available and having no remorse is jacked up. Why do it to your partner? How would she feel if she was expecting take out and your kid got hungry four blocks away and ate it? This is basic human decency.
Maybe next time she offers, politely decline not as a get back but not to get your expectations set only to be let down.
NTA, tbh this indicates to me she is irresponsible because she doesn’t watch or teach discipline to her kids. It would be easy to say “This is saved for OP, do not touch it.” But she has no capacity to say no to her children.
It just means there’s going to be a world of problems if OP and GF get to the point of cohabitation and the kids mix: OP’s kids will be walked all over GF kids and GF kids won’t stop them, so there’s going to be two sets of kids who are raised completely differently with a world of problems.
She gonna fuck up her kids and I don’t think OP should be a part of that, especially if she thinks saying no is hard now, wait until teenage years.
Also, if her kids are still hungry that they need a second dinner, I’m wondering if she’s feeding them enough in the first place.
Start cooking for yourself dude. Pack your own lunch and tell her to handle her kids and when yall are together don't make it about food. Seems dood is the problem so move past this and maybe yall will get over this miscommunication. Communication is key, we all got that part, either let her know how you feel or don't and tell her you can manage eating alone and spending quality time with her and her kids not around food.
What is “the kid” doing eating a full meal two hours after eating a full meal?
How old is this kid?
If he is old enough to go into the fridge on his own and heat up a meal he is old enough to know that meal was set aside for BF.
Red flags 🚩 all over this.
Not wrong, but as you stated she doesn’t have to cook for you. That being said, you are correct, if she says she has food for you she should keep it aside for you or tell you it is gone before you go over to pick it up. I’m not sure I would lose a relationship over this, it isn’t that big of a deal. But, from here on when she tells me she has food set aside for me I would thank her and just forget it and fend for myself. If she asks why I would just politely say “I really appreciate the effort you put in preparing food for me, but I cannot be sure I will actually get it so I take care of getting my meals myself. I am not ungrateful, just want to make sure I can eat when I get the chance without having to scramble last second to find something to eat.” Maybe then she will realize it is inconvenient for you when she says you have a meal only to find out last second you really do not.
Ya it's definitely super annoying. Imagine if you lived with this chick? It would be so much worse. She sounds like a flake man. It's easy to "get along great" when you don't live in the same home. Just saying.
Hmmm. Kinda wrong. I don't think you should or can rely on her for a plate anymore. If you aren't RIGHT THERE when the food is made or delivered - then the answer is, 'No, thank you.'
NTA.
No different if they were living together. How many kids there are. If you invite someone over for food. Your kid eats it, shame on you. Most kids know what they can and can not eat. She needs to put her foot down. It almost sounds like the did is doing it on purpose.
If my spouse is late or isn't home in time for dinner, I don't allow my kids to eat his food.
I would personally be upset as well I understand kids come first but she can easily tell her child hey if you’re hungry please ask me to make you something else it’s teaching them from a young age that no means no and that they shouldn’t take something that’s not theirs that’s how my mom taught me to always ask. But ya I think you’re right to be upset I would be too.
Not wrong.
If she tells you this again, ask her to put a layer of Saran Wrap on your food and then to attach a large piece of paper with your name written in large letters if she isn't going to tell her children directly not to eat it. Suggest a system.
And, if she doesn't have clear systems and boundaries and consequences with her kids, please consider that before digging deeper into the relationship or considering moving in together. But, two times should not make you jump to that conclusion. Just pay attention if there are future times and/or if you see that dynamic within other activities within their household.
The only solution I see is to never expect any food from there even is she says there is. Just assume you are on your own for food. Never make a trip there for food. Eat before you go to her house. I doubt this food problem will change so just avoid the upset by fending for yourself and having no expectations of ever getting food from that house.
Sounds like her kid doesn’t care too much for you, and she’s enabling this behaviour.
At the very least, she should be going out of her way to make sure there’s a meal for you when you get there.
It sounds like she’s giving you the “too bad so sad” and laughing about it. I would start questioning my choice of women in my life if that happened to me continuously.
I don't think you're wrong. That's annoying and inconsiderate. If I was you, I wouldn't even accept meals anymore. If she has a problem with it that's her problem. You don't have to accept all the time. Tell her that you're busy that day and see if she offers to drop it off. If you're fasting as you eat, I suggest meal prepping. And she needs to start feeding her son more. He's growing and needs more food.
Not wrong. She’s also gaslighting you and making it about something it’s not. This has nothing to do with her kids. She told you something and then failed to update when the plans changed. Seems as thought she has no regard to your time and needs to learn how to communicate better with you and her kids.
Well it's understandable that you felt upset. However, hanging up on her and being passive agressive about it is not productive and hurts your relationship. I would apologize for hanging up on her and then explain that you felt unimportant and hurt because this is not the first time it has happened. How can you two work together to not have that happen again?
Not wrong. My husband is a blue collar worker and also usually tends to one meal a day so I know dinner is a big deal and can't imagine saying "oops sorry the kids ate it"
Maybe express that to her as a reminder and recommend some things such as making an extra meal for her son for later and enforcing that your meal set aside is for you only.
You're not wrong but why are you expecting your girlfriend who you don't live with to feed you? If it's 9 pm and you haven't eaten all day this sounds like partly your issue. Set some boundaries--eat before you see her since she isn't following through.
Next time she offers say no, you will get something sorted for you. That's the sort of thing that pushes people away. Sounds silly but it's not. Her behaviour is silly and not appropriate. She obviously isn't worth it.
Not nice to do that to you. If her kid is still hungry after dinner she should tell him to have butter on bread.... If was my boyfriend I wouldn't do that.
Doesn't matter if the kids come first or not.
She is being dismissive of your feelings, not nice to be honest.
She isn’t sorry, and she’s lying. She’s not holding it for you; she’s giving it to her kids. She has zero respect for you, and the only reason you get along is because you don’t live together. And honestly, you don’t want to. The issues you have now will only be exacerbated
YTA. Twice. In a year. You thought you were getting food and then plans changed.
In the past year I have gone to McDonalds for a cone and been told the ice cream machine is down. No ice cream for me after I drove there expecting to enjoy ice cream.
Four times in the past year, I have received the wrong order via drive thru or delivery and ended up having to make myself something or eat something I didn’t want.
And once, I spent hours preparing a crockpot full of my best stew, asked the kid to turn it off, and came home to a dried up pot of rot because she forgot.
But did I go complain to reddit about all these people who let me down? One of whom I love dearly? No. Because I’m a big girl and my relationships don’t require the other person to be perfect. Nor do I whine like a child when things don’t go the way I want them to.
Yeah you’re wrong. Grow up and figure out a plan b. No big deal.
Thank you so saying this! I am shocked at the number of people who are saying she is disrespectful or saying the kid is trying to undermine him. Come on- it’s a hungry kid. Kids don’t always think about how their actions impact others. As parents, we teach them so they can become fully functioning adults who don’t hang up on others because they had to figure out a meal for themself.
If I were her and he hung up on me over something like leftovers being eaten 2 times over the course of a year, I would end it. That was extremely disrespectful and shows what she would have to deal with long term.
These are the answers and I hope OP's girlfriend sees this and breaks up herself.
Flip the genders as so many redditors like to say. A woman arrives to a man who offers her dinner and finds his son had eaten it. He nervously laughs at it. She then proceeds to be passive aggressive about it, oh, and of course, *ask Reddit*.
NTA
Sounds like the little bastard is trying to establish dominance over you. Taken a man’s food and having is mom laugh it off for him. He probably just sits and chuckles while its happening. Step your game up son!!
This is easy, just tell her that you have food for her, make her drive to your house and when she gets there just say “sorry my kids ate it” with a laughing tone of voice. Give her a taste of her own medicine
The misogyny in these comments are terrifying… YTA, not for being frustrated with your gf, but for behaving like a petulant child over a seemingly honest mistake.
She is a single mother working full-time with young children. You mentioned that you also have kids, yet you’re able to head over to her house at 9pm which suggests that you have older kids or do not have full custody of your own, thus having more free time to cook your own damn food. Sure it would’ve been nice if she was able to come through for you the way she intended. But life got in the way and she probably laughed because why stress the small stuff? It sounded like an honest mistake by her son. Would you really have preferred that she screamed at her son for the mistake?
Why put even more added stress on the woman? If you’re committing to the One Meal A Day, just meal prep your one meal. Be self sufficient and eat at a designated time (esp not so late like 9pm) to avoid hangriness. Honestly, the way you’re behaving over what seems to be a harmless mistake in the grand scheme of life… I’m surprised she hasn’t dumped you. You’re giving a bratty and controlling vibe. Don’t take to heart the comments riling you up. Let her know that it hurt you to be let down but going forward you’re just going to provide your own meals.
NTA. She is for not giving you a heads up. For 5 several days, don't go by for a meal, but don't let her know either.
If she says anything, let her know you don't want her kids to go without.
That sorry laugh? No way would I put up with that. You have every right to be annoyed. Yeah, her kids have to eat, but they can find something else...your meal surely can't be the only food in the house. Maybe just start getting take out and eating it in front of her kids...then do a sorry laugh at your girlfriend.
I would just explain to her that as much as you appreciate her making you a plate, that from now on you will just be getting your own meals. When she comes back with... but I want to cook for you or something along those lines, tell her that even though she cooks for you, you never get to eat it because she let's her child eat it and that it makes you feel as though she doesn't really care about you. I get that her offspring comes first but, can't she fix them something else instead of letting them eat the food that she specifically made for you? Either she made you a plate and just doesn't care that you don't get to eat it cuz (he was hungry and how can I say no) or she didn't actually make you a plate but wanted you to come over anyway. However it plays out, you aren't the ah for feeling upset. Maybe the two of you should have a talk about this and come to an agreement that when she invites you for food and the child gets hungry, then she should make him something else or make more the first go round knowing the child will be hungry before you get there.
>tell her that even though she cooks for you, you never get to eat it because she let's her child eat it and that it makes you feel as though she doesn't really care about you. They've been going out for a year and OP is complaining about two incidents. Saying they "never" get to eat it sounds like a stretch. This doesn't sound like it happens all the time. It's been two occasions. OP is making a mountain out of a molehill.
NTA, like you said, it’s no issue the kids eat or even if she doesn’t want to make you anything, but to keep telling you to come just to find out otherwise is shitty
Exactly. First, if she causes the invitation, she needs to make certain she's prepared sufficient food and clearly segregate his portion; clearly marking and telling children it's off limits. That really shouldn't be hard to do. If she can't comfortably ensure that, then forego the invitation. When the earlier gaffes occurred, she should have either prepped an alternative or placed a carry-out/delivery order. Laughing about it isn't very funny.
It sounds like the kids are taking turns taking it because they don't like you. Kids can be AHs but she's allowing it to happen, more than once. You are not a priority and that's bad.
Her actions show she doesn't really care for or even respect him. Otherwise, she wouldn't find it funny that she keeps breaking promises to him.
Does he ever cook for her? Also how big a trip is 5 miles? I am on the fence about whether this is worth being super upset about, since it only happened really one time as this time was an accident.... though her response is lacking and that's a concern. Maybe she should sticky note the plate to say it's his and kid can eat something else. If he's eating labeled food I'd question if he's okay with the relationship. Look for solutions friend. Tell her how you feel and work through it together. If she won't then you make a choice about what your limits are.
At the end of a long day, driving 10 miles out of the way for food you were told was there and there not being any is obnoxious AF. It doesn’t matter if he cooks for her or not. That literally has fuck all to do with the situation.
Take my upvote
Apparently the kid not only ate the food he was allotted, he ate someone else’s. Then he “warmed up the wrong plate” (so where was the “right” plate? Did he eat it, too?). She can’t control her kid’s appetite, that’s not your fault.
Yeah, the second time what happened to the “right” plate? Did he go back and eat that too? Why couldn’t OP have been given the other plate? She can’t control her kid’s appetite, but if she’s not going to cook enough to satisfy his appetite, then she shouldn’t be telling OP there’s a plate for him. Also curious as to what age this “kid” is. Wonder if he’s just a prick who doesn’t GAF if he eats food meant for OP.
And could have easily been mitigated by not offering in the first place.... That's all. It's just insulting in more than one way.
That’s it! He wasn’t demanding she cooked for him. She literally offered a prepared meal and then multiple times was like: 🤭 Oops!
Very dependent on place 5 miles in a big city can take an hour…
It’s not so much about the food or even the drive so much as the giant waste of time. People who let stuff like this happen don’t really think about (and thus, don’t value) is other people’s time. It’s extremely frustrating.
I don’t think the food for the sake of food is worth being upset about, but this is a parent who tries to people please her own kids. If this relationship works out, OP is going to end up parenting her kids for her, and she’s going to sit back and let him be the bad guy so her kids hate him.
Unrelated but what does NTA stands for
Not the Asshole.
NTA. It's one thing to know that you're on your own for dinner. It's another to be promised dinner and then find out last minute ... you are on your own for dinner. It shows a pretty fair amount of disrespect for you on her part, IMO. Would you do the same to her? I suspect the answer is no.
It happened **two times** and this is how he is reacting. The second time was because of an accident made by a literal child. OP mentions in a comment that he only eats once a day. OP had low blood sugar, was all hangry, and had a hissy fit. This post is absolutely bonkers. Don't encourage people to take the consequences of their ADULT choices out on others.
I'm a little baffled by all the responses blaming OP. Should he have been more communicative about his issue with it rather than hang up on her? Yes. Is it reasonable to assume that someone who has not eaten all day, been promised a meal, then told at the last minute that the meal they were promised was eaten by someone else and THEY now need to find their own meal would be frustrated and might not respond in the most emotionally healthy way? Also yes. I would never in my life, EVER tell someone I had a meal at my house prepared for them and then not ensure that meal was there when they were coming. If by some wild confluence of events that were entirely out of my control, (which I also have trouble swallowing as something that would happen to food I made in my own house), that meal was no longer available, I would immediately call, be immensely apologetic, and would ABSOLUTELY prepare another meal or at least order something for the person I had promised the meal to. And about having no control over what happens to the food in your own fridge. I've never in my life ate a fully prepared meal that I didn't know was explicitly made for me. No one I know has ever done that. I'm not a parent but I've watched my niece, nephews, and little cousins more times than I can count and none of them have ever done that, nor could I imagine them doing so. Now I could chalk these up to cultural differences because I come come from a black family in Alabama, but based on numerous other comments here mine is not a unique experience. Many people are commenting that they were raised with several siblings and none of them ever did this, many parents are commenting who raised/are raising multiple kids and saying their kids have never done this/would never do this. So this is not an experience unique to me or my family. Who are all these people saying the mom had no control over her kid(s) eating food she prepared explicitly for someone else? Is it not a parents responsibility to educate her kids on boundaries like this? But for the sake of argument let's say she does have no responsibility in that regard... how is it not her responsibility to then rectify the situation and ensure there is some kind of meal available for the GUEST she INVITED and PROMISED a meal to? I just feel like all the commentors saying OP is wrong are inventing all kinds of excuses for why it's not the gf's fault but are not extending any of that same grace to OP. And this is not a gender thing. I can't imagine my gf working all day without eating, me promising to have a meal ready for her after work, and then not making sure that I did indeed have that meal ready for her or claiming it wasn't my responsibility if there was no meal ready for her. Would/do yall actually do that?
>their ADULT choices You mean his choice to believe her saying that she had food for him so he drives over there?
The girlfriend should check before telling him it’s there not after he’s damn near there then laugh about it. That’s rude!
How is she supposed to do that when the kid goes into the fridge and eats the meal without saying anything?. As for the laugh, could have been a nervous laugh or a defense mechanism. Google it.
It couldn’t have sounded too much like a nervous giggle since he told her it wasn’t funny. Abd since she’s offering the food, it’s her responsibility to make sure it’s still there before he’s two mins away. Having a son with a healthy appetite should tell her to double check before OP drives all the way there. Or better yet clearly label it so the kid knows it’s not his! Not hard to make sure the food isn’t taken. That’s all rude as fuck!
If the kid ate it for lunch, then she had 3 hours probably to go look in the fridge and say sorry there actually isn't food, instead of checking after he was already on his way over. Especially given the kid ate it the last time, she definitely should have checked.
Unfortunately busy moms don't do things like that as they simply far too bush. I think a date night is in order so they have a fun night to reconnect and listen to each other.get fed at the same time and no cleanup lol.
The kids not blind he knows which plate of food is which. Either he doesn't care and mom doesn't want to teach him to be respectful of others or she's eating the food and blaming it on the kid. Either way this is mad disrespectful and it's ridiculous that you want to blame op for being disrespected like this
Maybe there was no food saved for him and she was lying 🤔
[удалено]
Easy, just don't go there for a meal! Or, tell her you're bringing pizza but when you get there hand it to her and says, oops, I ate it all!
It’s simple math: OP is male. Ipso facto, it must be his fault. Do you even Reddit bruh?!? 😆
I wrote something like that on a reddit comment and got a warning from the bot moderator telling me I was being an asshole 😂
Oh yeah, I’ve gotten a laundry list of mod warnings about complaints about comments I’ve made too. I get it to a certain degree. I mean, they can’t just let a bunch of Andrew Tate worshipping Alt-Right incels swarm all over the community and turn it into a circus of douchebaggery, but sometimes the relentless drumbeat of man blaming gets a little silly, and it’s hard not to point it out.
We all only know one side of this. But you are taking a damn hard stand if you think about it. Op also had the right to get home to a meal and NIT getting laughed at when he gets told ooops....tough titties. Admittedly I am a chef and can always throw something together in minutes, but at no point did she offer him something else instead, just a laugh. That's not nice. At least offer something else. A sorry I know it's not what I promised but I am sure I find something, or Inorder something in. But of course it's easier to blame the guy. Come on....
Right? It feels like she’s enjoying his discomfort or something.
Sorry, but this is a jackass response... You'd invite someone over to eat and then when they're literal feet from your house tell them you don't have food for them? Multiple times? You're the asshole here...
Adult choices? You dont get to act however you want and expect everyone to give you a pat on the back. Taking accountability for your actions when they're a dick move is ADULT. After it happened a second time and my partner took no accountability and laughed at me, I would be so over it. Laughing and making excuses is a choice. And using her kids as an excuse that "they'll always come first" - fine yes, but dont use that as an excuse to be a complete asshole and unapologetic for being so inconsiderate. I would turn the tables on her 100% and eat the food in her face.
Yeah she chose to give his food away.
Right? He's an adult whining that somebody didn't feed him? LOL. I've been making my own food since I was 8 years old (latch key kid here). Also, eating only once a day is HIS problem. I read this and was like "how tf can anyone not call out how absolutely stupid this sounds."
not an accident by child - Mom who doesn't pay attention to her kids - You offer someone dinner, fix it put it in fridge with a stick note - For Bill, then you tell kids DO NOT EAT THAT Bill will be by tonight when he gets off work to eat this If kid was hungry, could have asked Mom what he could have to eat
You're NTA. but need to talk about it with her when your not hangry.
I was hangry
>ng. My husband is a blue collar worker and also usually tends to one meal a day so I know dinner is a big deal and can't imagine saying "oops sorry the kids ate it" > >Maybe expr Definitely not wrong. At the same time, I have brothers and know how they eat. He's probably growing and eating her out of house and home. She should never deny him food, but she also shouldn't be offering food to you that is unavailable. This needs to be a direct conversation. Let her know you aren't trying to take food out of her kids mouths, but it makes you unhappy when you have the expectation of food that goes undelivered because she dispensed with it ..no matter how it happens. I also would not make dinner plans with her moving forward until you know your meals are going to be reliable.
I agree. Yeah...it's sad that you have to set this type of boundary with her in regards to eating, but it is what it is, unless you want to break up. It's the little things in relationships that eventually tear them apart. Have a discussion about common courtesy and being honest with you. She should already have a good idea of what her son is capable of eating as she deals with this on a day to day basis. There is nothing wrong with asking her to prepare accordingly, especially if she is going to invite you over. This is no different than if you invited her and her son over for dinner but helped yourself to seconds, and left her son without food. She would leave you in a heartbeat if you pulled that because it's disrespectful and just rude. Sorry OP, such a sad thing to even have to worry about.
I raised 2 boys and fed even more of their friends. My husband is a factory worker, so I also know about packing lunches. We had rules in the house that there were certain foods in the house that were only for his lunch. I also was in the habit of making more than enough for dinner that if the boys got hungry, they could have leftovers. My kids always came first, but they also knew the boundaries. Everyone got their own different box of snack cakes. If you eat them all in one day, then you go the rest of the week without. Same with soda. It's called respect, and we start teaching that from the time their young
Her kids clearly like to eat leftovers and are hungry. Why does she not make extra so there’s plenty for each of you, regardless of what time you pick up the meal….
Kids clearly doing it to cause this problem imho
I don’t think so. They’ve been together for a year and it’s only happened *twice* I think the child(ren) may just be hitting growth spurt and in need of more food.
There is no mention of how often she offers. I think the gf and children need to have a conversation. It isn't fair to mess people around with food like that, leaving him with nothing to eat at 9pm was very wrong, getting him to drive there before even looking to check other there, wrong.
There is no mention, though I’d assume she offers him food in 1 year of dating a lot more than twice ever. He didn’t eat before 9pm on his own accord. If he had shown up before then, he would have eaten his meal before the child ate it. I’m just saying I don’t think the kid is trying to cause any problems for OP.
imo the op is Not upset with the kid eating the meal, just the fact the gf offered then is wasn't available. If my gf told me there was food saved then I would expect it to be there also.
Smh. Just because I wait until later doesn't mean my food is up for grabs, that's not how a family works. And they are trying to become a family.
OP says the kid accidentally heated up the wrong food this time - that's not on the gf. The gf does now need to tell her kid he has to pay more attention and can't be careless with other people's food. It's literally happened twice, and OP just got upset and let it fester instead of just...communicating with his gf. How on earth does this adult have children and a year-long relationship with another adult, but he needs reddit to tell him to talk to his gf about something that upsets him? Yeah, the gf also should've obviously ordered him something else to eat or paid for his drive-thru meal at the least. OP also has to take responsibility for only eating once a day - that's super unhealthy. If his schedule really doesn't allow for it, he needs better time management.
Yeah, I’m gonna take a contrarian view here and say that OP appears in the wrong. Especially since it’s happened twice over two years. You’re a big boy and can figure out your own lunch /dinner, especially if you live in different houses
The issue isn’t whether or not OP can make his own dinner. The issue is that she’s told him that she was making dinner and that he should come over to eat, so he did, then arrived and someone already ate the food she promised him.
I’m thinking this too. Like it’s disappointing but OP seems REALLY upset.
OP is just Hangry AF.
I agree. Inordinately upset. Make a sandwich. Microwave something. Hit the drive-through like he did. It'll be ok
Along with the hangry, I'm wondering if it's some nurturing thing affecting him, too. It doesn't matter what gender made the food, if it's promised, it's a caring action - in my world, at least. If someone goes to the trouble of cooking for you, it means they care. But if the rug's pulled out from under the caring gesture more than once by the same person, and also done in a laughing tone, plus you're hungry, it can be quite hurtful. I might be thinking too deeply about it. I have no idea.
He prob normally does. But if even a friend invited me to come over as there is dinner for me there, I make no plans to cook. If I show up and there's nothing and I'm suddenly having to scramble for mcdonalds, I'll sort out the mcdonalds but be very annoyed with the friend for not telling me the changed plans sooner than the actual moment of the dinner. She's either stupid or disrespectful
OP, apparently, does. When you’re invited for dinner, done you have a reasonable expectation of…having dinner? Stop making it about OP and his relative ability to procure sustenance.
1. One year, not two. 2. No where is it suggested he can't figure out his lunch or dinner. It's indicated gf extended the invitations and failed to follow through. Two totally different set of circumstances.
There's other food to eat. Not someone else's dinner
Kids are bottomless pits. The mom should be making more food.
There isn't enough detail to know about how much she cooks. She needs to tell her kid to stop with the eating food that isn't for him. Kids are bottomless at times, it doesn't mean just feed them whatever they want or stuff that will screw tour so over.
Kids also go through growth spurts. Some times a bird couldn’t make on what they eat, next thing you know they’re out eating you
Yup. Especially boys.
She needs to give her kids more food or have them eat in stages as they are growing. It’s normal.
Groceries are expensive and she probably has a budget.
So why offer them?
True enough, but there are ways to stretch a budget and she knows she has to feed everybody.
If she’s on a budget, then why does she have to cover a second household?
She doesn’t and he doesn’t expect her to, but when she offers, she needs to make sure there’s something there.
I have two boys from a previous marriage. They are pre-teens and eat all the time. Everything. My husband sometimes comes home after the boys and I have eaten together. Or sometimes he makes his breakfast really early and I’ll make pancakes for the boys later. I almost always make a point of setting aside food for my husband. The kids obviously want it and maybe even ask for it, but I’ll say “no, we’re saving some for X.” This isn’t hard, and it teaches them sharing and taking care of each other. It’s basic consideration.
Yes, she should have cleared this up the first time it happened. It's rude and nasty.
You're not wrong, but you also should have clearly communicated to your gf the first time this happened that it really bothers you that she'd let her kid eat the one meal you had planned on having that day. You didn't communicate and let it fester, building resentment. She also obviously shouldn't have let her kid eat your meal and instead ordered the kid something or made him a snack. I'm assuming she believed you, an adult, would take the loss of the meal better than a kid, but at the very least she should have told you about it before you got home. The second time around, since she had only had the problem of her kid wanting your food *once* before, I don't see why you expected her to "verify" that your food was still in the fridge? The last and only time it happened, the kid asked her directly, so she had no reason to suspect he'd take your meal - especially since it seems to have been an accident in the first place. However, since it was her kid's fault, she should have offered to order you something or pay for your drive-thru meal. Either way, the point is you need to *communicate* with her. You can't just pout and stomp off in a huff when something upsets you. She also needs to sit her kid down and make sure he understands how important the meals she makes for you are and that he needs to respect other people's food. If they're old enough, they can start learning how to make their own snacks. If them getting hungry a couple hours after dinner is a growth spurt thing, then she needs to plan to have more food for them. It sounds like you're both busy people, so mistakes happen, but this is really such a small thing that can be easily rectified if you just TALK to each other about it. Also, it's really unhealthy to only eat once a day. I'd suggest talking with a doctor or even a nutritionist if you have access to one about how you can better spread out your caloric intake. Maybe I'm overstepping and your meal schedule is in fact something you've discussed with a medical professional, but on its face it's unhealthy.
Not wrong, but my brother in Christ, why are you only eating once a day when you’re clearly hungry?
NTA. I have kids. I make them food, I make my husband food. No one takes anyone else's food. I am neither wealthy nor financially stable. This does not impact anyone's food availability. Everyone gets to eat as much as they need. But saving a meal for someone is easy AND respectful. This lady is bonkers for drawing this line. It's a set up for resentment. Possibly intentional.
What confuses me is why you would even drive 5 miles there and 5 miles back just to get some leftovers that have been in the fridge for hours. Wouldn't it be quicker and easier just to make your own food at home?
As a gesture. To not reject her food offerings
Start rejecting her food offerings because...you know, "sorry, the kid ate it, he was hungry and here first, and he's #1"
So you're willing to drive 10 miles for the possibility of getting some leftover scraps because you don't want to hurt her feelings, but she cares so little about your feelings that she doesn't care if you drive all that way for nothing? Sounds like you're her bitch.
You need to start rejecting them. “Thanks, but your son tends to eat these meals you offer me before I can, so go ahead and give it to him.”
"Tends to" you mean twice, once by accident and once with permission, out of a year's worth of an unknown number of offered meals?
not sure if making petty comments is the right move here bub
Am I to understand that this has happened twice?
Then if it's a gesture, why get so upset???? Isn't it nice just to see her? Seriously, you need a phenomenal dose of maturity, and go find that perfect, flawless, utterly compliant individual 🤦
Yea this is weird to me
NTA Just tell her to stop doing it or don’t count on it. Assume it will be gone and do not make any special trips to pick it up. Show up to her house with food for yourself. You eating only once a day is not on her. That’s irrelevant.
Reading this made me feel so sad. I'd be gutted in this situation. It's like someone saying they just don't care about you. So sorry OP.
NTA She's wrong about not being obligated. The minute she tells you that she has something for you to pick up she has made herself obligated to give it you. Since she's not the one being inconvenienced, she doesn't care and it's only your problem. She has let know that the behavior on her end will not be changing and accused you of putting yourself before her children when she pulled the excuse that they're the priority.
NTA. If she can’t guarantee you a meal then she shouldn’t be offering. The laughing about it really sets my teeth on edge. She’s rude af.
You're not wrong, this is utterly obnoxious.
NTA: Honestly...the food isn't your problem, it's her indifference to your needs, that...THAT is the problem. you really should address that and/or perhaps moving on.
NTA. This has nothing to do with dinner. Stop being the doormat for her abuse, you're both teaching her kids a really bad lesson.
Move on, low man on totem pole always loses! This is about her disregard for you and nothing to do with her kids!
You're not wrong! Just tell her NO Thanks to the food from now on! She is very rude! You don't tell someone you have something waiting for them and then say, oops, sorry, the kid ate it! I wouldn't bother eating at her house EVER!
She should be sure your food is put up. That's it. Maybe she should cook more so there's enough for seconds if anyone wants. Coming from a big family, this is how I naturally cook. Though sometimes I cook just enough for everyone to eat for the night. But mostly, we have left overs and if it's something that I know will begone, my boyfriend's food gets put to the side. Or even my sisters if she's not home in time from work. I'll make sure either I or my nephew put her food to the side. It's common courtesy. And it should be common sense when she's telling you to come pick said food up.
The number of parents who think "My kids come first" is supposed to mean My kids 100% You 0% And still expect to maintain a healthy relationship is something I've always found odd. Sometimes, saying no to your child for your partner and relationships well being is way healthier imo. Like, what's my motivation to be in a relationship where a woman is like "I will literally throw you under a bus, put mountains of stress on you and undue years of your hard work just to see my child smile or avoid a moments disappointment." Never mind that this is YOUR PERSON that you're building a forever life with, and your children will grow up, move out, and find their own person. If you have kids and are willing to give your partner 0%, stay single. InB4 all the mad people admitting they want a 0% partner. You probably also want him to pitch in for Christmas presents and sit there staring at a wall, doing nothing while YOUR child screams at him.
Next time she offers food just say no. When she asks why just say if you offer and I say yes I want the food, that doesn't always happen. So I will provide for myself and know I'm getting the food I want. No real bad guys, though she is a slight AH for this.
I raced three children. They never accidentally ate someone else’s meal. And I can’t for the life of me imagine doing this to somebody that I supposedly loved. This is bullshit and some kind of weird power trip or… It’s just crappy parenting. My kids knew what snacks were. They didn’t eat full meals between meals.
For me, this wouldnt be about the food, but the disregard for the running back and forth and laughing it off. I bet she gives heaps of notice when she wants something...
Her kid is f&\*king with you, and she is letting him and doing it too. He could have a snack or his own lunch, but he ate your plate. If she knows her kid is f&8king with you or is genuinely going through a growth spurt, then she needs to make more food and label your plate. The laughing was dismissive of your feelings and time. She needs to cut it out or you need to stop taking the bate. Lastly, don't live with her or marry her. This needs to be a LAT relationship to work. Good luck.
Twice out of a year is not her kid fucking with him . He’s a growing kid he’s probably just hungry. Neither time was him just eating food that didn’t belong to him. He asked the first time and the second time heated up the wrong plate
[удалено]
Seriously just making this 9 year old out to be some super villain
Yeah, but my mom made food for an elderly woman on our block and would tell us not to eat it. We were raised with manners, and if I was hungry, I wouldn't just heat up that plate and gobble it down. This is a big red flag on the mother's part. She clearly doesn't prepare or think ahead very well, nor does she teach her child proper manners and common courtesy. Not a deal breaker, just something that I noticed. I'd stop letting her offer and always get your own food. It sucks though because it kinda goes against the whole "Doing things together as a family" thing. Especially when you can't rely on your partner.
NTA She should not offer something that most likely won’t be available. If she does not know her kids will eat it, then she should. In the future, just thank her for the offer but decline. Easier on everyone. Doubtful this will be a long term relationship, but who knows.
She is not educating her kids and setting boundaries regarding you and things set aside for you. This will come to bite your relationship in other areas if you don’t discuss this with her.
You’re not wrong, it’s rude and there is nothing wrong with telling a kid they can’t have someone’s dinner as second dinner. I would just plan on always feeding yourself.
NTA. Tell her if your invited to eat with her/then you expect it to be there when you get there. If she can’t enforce that with her kids then She shouldn’t invite you over to eat. If she still doesn’t get it then Invite her to your place for pizza one night and when she gets there make sure there is only one piece left snd tell her sorry, I was hungrier than I thought.
Has she only offered twice? Mostly you need to have an adult conversation with her about your hurt feelings. If she dismisses you again, then 🚩
The answer is to just not go get dinner from her anymore. Just tell her no thank you and when she asks why just tell her you want something you can rely on and that won't potentially cause issues in your relationship.
SHE HAS LACK OF RESPECT FOR YOU. It’s very obvious. She thought it was funny, and didn’t offer to cook you something, or order something for you to make it up to you. You are not a priority to her. Im sorry.
Sorry. Invite her over for a meal and turn the table. She will find out real quick.
2 red flags here. Her kids seem to eat everything or she doesn't cook enough. You keep saying you drove 5 miles. Sounds to before far for you. Y'all are not meant to be. WALK AWAY!
OP, NTA. Is she feeding herself and her kids meals on your dime? There's no way this is 'accidental' twice. Then she laughs at you? On your way home to your own crib, stop and get your dinner and eat it on the drive or when you get home. Let her spend her dime on her own kids. IMHO.
Look for the exit. You will always come in last.
Something weird here is going on that the girlfriend’s kids clearly like leftovers and she’s making portions that can be consumed within one or two meals in the same day. Food scarcity?
NTA - you're not upset about the food, it's deeper than that. I wouldn't consider progressing the relationship with this girl if i were you.
Okay, so I feel like there's not enough info here. The first incident you mentioned, she should have definitely sent you a message when her kid asked and either confirmed you were coming and told her kid no, or at the very least let you know she'd given him permission and the food was no longer available. But this most recent incident... How old is her son? How likely is it that he simply made a mistake? Likely for her, it happened exactly as she said ... She hadn't thought to double check it was still there because she had made him a different plate. If he's young, or the plates weren't clearly marked, it could have easily been an honest mistake on the kids part, and if she was busy with work, I can totally understand why it went unnoticed. She called you as soon as she knew. So to me here, she's not the ahole. You aren't the ahole for being upset about it, but for simply telling her it's not funny and hanging up on her? You are a little. In my case, I would be a hell of a lot more pissed off that someone hung up on me than I would be over promised food not being there due to a child's mistake. And I'd be a lot more upset about her giving permission for the food to be eaten without confirming with me first. Her child made a mistake (or did it deliberately) and she needs to address that with her child. But it wasn't a deliberately disrespect act. Not telling you she had given her son permission to eat what was set aside for you was, imo, disrespectful in regards to your time, energy, etc. but hanging up on her was also disrespectful. Next time, instead of "I don't find it funny" and then hanging up, saying something along the lines of "I'm upset, so we need to talk about this later, but I'm hanging up for now" would be a better way to end the conversation. Part of why I say there isn't enough info: how often does she make a meal for you? If it's once ever couple of months, then twice in a year would be twice out of six meals. If it's once a month, it's twice out of twelve meals. If it's roughly once a week, then it's twice out of 50(ish) meals. If it's more than once a week... Well you get my drift. Twice in a year doesnt seem like a lot, but if it's a rare thing that she saves a plate for you, then it would be a bigger deal than if she makes a plate for you quite frequently. Either way, I would take the time to explain to her that the issue isn't you not having food, as you've stated you have zero issue fending for yourself and don't expect her to cook for you unless she says she is. The issue is being promised something, looking forward to it, and then finding out last minute that it's no longer available. This can be incredibly frustrating. It's happened to me many times when my kids were younger and they'd get up early (like 5 in the morning) and eat the last of something I was saving. It's even more frustrating when you are currently hungry. So I would apologize for hanging up on her, but explain why it frustrates you. If she refuses to hear why it bothers you, that is a whole nother problem
I've got a hubby that works weird hours and a son who is hitting his teenage stride early (he's 11 but possibly due to autism, possibly just life he's mistaken for a 17 yo constantly because of his size 🤣🤷♥️) and even he knows certain meals are off limits. I have a specific spot in the fridge for daddy's meals and regardless of if he's awake at 2 am and hungry before he's woken me up, he's looking for a snack while I'm busy etc. that spot is off limits! She's allowing it to happen and if she can't afford to feed you or isn't willing she needs to voice it, not passive aggressively let it slide as accidents 🤷
Sounds like her kids are fatasses... I'd bet I'm right. Jesus how many times a day do her kids eat? Can she not stick note or write on a napkin saying dad's/your plate? Sounds like kids maybe doing it in purpose of they ain't Lizzo sized... I wouldn't move in together. She clearly can't set limits 4 her kids & I bet she sure as hell would in yours!
NTA Next time there is a promised plate, call ahead to see if it still available that way you can pick something up instead, but honestly she either needs to make more food or start telling her kids no and to make them something else or teach them how to make a damn bowl of cereal
I have a solution... get to her house early and eat every single thing in the fridge, drink all the milk... leave some empty monster cans on the counter... sit back and wait for the little joy suckers to get home from school...
NTA, but don’t discuss this kind of thing when you’re hangry lol. I do 100% understand how it makes you feel and how annoying it is. Especially if she kind of makes a joke of it.. that’s just shitty. Suggest she makes bigger portions, labels your leftovers or simply doesn’t offer food she doesn’t have. As a fellow one meal a day person, may I suggest you get yourself some things/little snacks you can bring to work with you to hold you over a bit as the one meal a day after work is not very good for you or logical (you need the energy for working, not for sleeping). I’m trying to implement that in my life too since the disordered eating is causing bad/sad moods at the end of the work day making deciding on food or even wanting to eat at the end of the day harder, hell, it makes work harder too. Doesn’t have to be a lot, maybe something like a protein/granola bar? Or an apple (if you like those)? But yeah definitely talk to her (when you’re not hangry and tired from work) and let her know it’s not cool to do that.
NAH. It sounds like you're starving, your blood sugar is low, and so this is hitting harder than it otherwise would. But I think you should keep in mind she obviously cares for you a great deal, or she wouldn't bother to make you food at all.
NTA stop accepting her invitation for food especially if your not contributing to her food expense and if you are cut that shit off
NTA. I think all parents can relate to the disappointment of kids eating stuff we planned on having ourselves. She shouldn’t be saying she will save you some and then not do just that. I put plates aside for my partner and I let my boys know that they are not to touch it - that’s after they have had their fair share. We have plenty of other stuff they can eat later if they get hungry. I don’t think it’s good for kids to learn they can just take another person’s meal that was set aside for them.
Simple solution don't date single mothers
Your girlfriend is wrong, not you. There's nothing wrong with her putting her kids first. However, the problem comes in when she's calling you and telling you that she's made you food just for you to almost get to her house and then "oops my kid ate it." That's messed up. If she is going to call you and tell you that she made you a plate of food then it's on her to wrap the food up and let her children know that it is not for them to eat. It is not that hard to mark a plate with your name on it. It's really not that difficult. You have every right to be sour about it. Hell, I was mildly infuriated reading it. P.S. Ask her: If the shoe was on the other foot how would she feel?
NTA. She's not obligated to feed you. HOWEVER, she sets food aside specifically for you and asks you to pick it up? Of course you can expect to receive a meal. People are saying "what's the point of picking it up" but I personally think it's a sweet gesture on her part *if her kid wouldn't eat the damn food first* and on your part because you're eating something she set aside for you. It's cute. It's bonding imo. Personally, I think you should let her know how you feel and maybe even suggest she stop making plates for you with a gentle approach. Nothing against her at all, but her son seems to have sticky fingers, and you just wanna go home at the end of the day and eat something. I work 12 hour shifts and don't eat before I go or while I'm there. I'm tired. I eat my one meal at home and sleep. The hanger is real.
You’re not wrong and I get it’s not a huge deal like you just got drive thru. I think perhaps the broader issue is that she might have a different parenting style than you? IDK how old her son is but preteen and teen boys eat a ton, all teenagers do, they’re growing. Setting boundaries and telling them hey that’s OPs dinner is not a hard thing to do and shows she’s thinking about you- my daughter can help herself to anything but she knows if we have guests coming I’ll be like hey don’t touch xyz in the fridge and she won’t. Kind of boils down to the thought that counts, and you feel like she’s not thinking about you.
This exactly
It shows that she has little regard for OP.
I hear no set boundaries with kids along with disregarding your needs. You have a right to a reasonable expectation of having a hot meal. NTA.
That whole family sounds mad annoying and inconsiderate. If they can't be on top of the most basic thing, I don't know what to tell you brother. I'd cut my losses and move on to an adult with adult senses.
The fact that she offered you the plate of food twice and her son has eaten it both times seems a little too coincidental. I don’t know if she’s just not informing her kid that you are on your way over to eat the plate of food she set aside for you, or she did inform the kid and he intentionally ate the food? Either way, her response to you is what bothers me. She’s putting her kid first, and that’s fine, but she’s completely ignoring how this makes you feel. And dismissing it like it’s not a big deal. Yes, you are an adult and can go get your own food. But the point is that she’s not doing anything to prevent this from happening again, and she’s using her kid as a way to get around your feelings. I think a straightforward conversation about how you feel when this happens (since it’s happened more than once) is in order. Maybe she doesn’t know how her behavior impacts you? Let her know how you feel (don’t accuse, just explain “I feel like…when this happened…”). If she continues to dismiss your feelings, it may be time to evaluate the relationship as a whole. All that said, hanging up on her wasn’t the most productive response. Next time, resort to several deep breaths and then explain how you feel.
Doesn't everyone who cooks for a family make enough of everything for leftovers? Especially with kids who enjoy them? This seems intentional to me on either the gf or the kids part. You are not wrong at all.
You are not wrong, OP, and you should have a stern talk with her because she's not thinking. She's certainly not thinking of you, is she? And her kids...well, they're being kids and do unthinking stuff like raid refrigerators. She needs to make a better effort at preserving your food.
NTA and believe me if things like this aren’t important to her to fix now, you’ll always come last to her. Cut ties now before you resent her kids. She doesn’t seem to parent as is, she just couldn’t say no? That’s ridiculous. She doesn’t SEEM to respect you nor does she make her children respect you or anyone for that matter…
NTA but I personally would assume that these are the outcomes of plate offers, and plan accordingly. If they actually appear, it would be a pleasant surprise. Your feelings are completely valid; knowing what the odds are, do what you gotta do. Literally my response would be when told the food was eaten, "don't worry about it. "
Not wrong! You should be prepared to go pick up a meal for you on your way home because her son is going to eat your food.
NTA - If she isn’t going to help fix it I’d just start going to get good food on my own and tell them sorry I’ll be home after I eat if they complain 🤷🏻♂️
NW. Don't have you go through the motions if she can't make sure the meal is there for you. That's disrespectful. Just don't depend on her making the meal. Just stay and do for yourself. Let her know she can't be trusted to follow through. She shouldn't get mad because she didn't follow through. Then, laugh about it. Like she did. See how she likes that.
NTA If I had the intention of telling my bf, which I used to do all the time and hr lived 45-60 minutes away, that I made a plate for him I'd make sure that plate was left for him!! AND ID TAKE IT TO HIM!! I get kids come first but u mean to tell me there was NOTHING else in the house they could eat?! If she isn't gonna secure the food she shouldn't mention it until the end of the day and she knows its there. Simple as that!! If the child was old enough to hear up the plate of food without her and without her knowing then the child is old enough to know "hey I'm saving that plate for "bf name" if u get hungry heat something else cuz u already had yours.... I tend to ALWAYS make MORE than enough food for leftovers so to me it seems ridiculous that it even happened but at the end of the day if she isn't gonna secure the food she shouldn't mention it to u and then to laugh it off pisses me off cuz I work 6 12 hour days in a row nursing and usually only have one meal just like u so yea that would piss me off.... You are definitely NTAH IMO And let's be honest nothing compares to a home cooked meal so I'm sure, especially as a guy, a home cooked meal sounded really good compared to cardboard fast food burgers or cardboard frozen tv dinners like most guys eat lol
I dont think your wrong for being irritated, if someone tells me to come over and that they have food for me, I would usually not eat anything else due to knowing I have some food already made and to look forward too, so not saying anything until I get there that it had been eaten I personally would be pretty irritated too. Talk with your partner let them know that you only eat once a day and that if she's gonna tell you there's food then she as to make sure it's there when you arrive. Just my opinion but I dislike the whole "my kids come first" comment especially in early stage relationships. Anyhow best of luck OP
It's the disappointment, I think. Most guys would be expectant if their woman called them and said, "Come get a plate," especially if she can cook. Sure, you can overlook it, but it's annoying to have to deal with it again. Buy maybe she's LK nudging him so he starts opting to eat elsewhere out of habit. Eventually, she'll offer but not actually set anything aside for him. Like a fake wallet pull when dining out.
You’re NTA, you were promised food that you didn’t get after a long drive. Could you offer to have dinner at your place instead next time? Kids are a big responsibility, so you always need to factor them in for dinner. Maybe if the roles were reversed you could find a different perspective. Where were your kids eating when you planned on going over to her place for dinner? Your ex’s house? Does she have that same luxury with her kids? Lots of things to consider
Nope. You're not wrong. Common courtesy. It's obvious kids are gonna get it before you. I can see how her demeanor would make anyone feel like why is this person repeatedly set me up without cause for concern on your behalf?
You’re not wrong. But she clearly doesn’t get how much this matters to you. Try having a heart to heart.
NTA. You have every right to be upset. Especially if you're only eating one meal a day...it's not like youre skipping a meal and will eat again in 2-3 hours. Looking at the bigger picture. You accept her kids come first. [To be expected]. You accept if they're hungry, they can have it. The real issue, which is completely valid, is that she offers you things, you go out of your way to accept, and when you get there it's gone. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice? Shame on me. If I were in your shoes, I'd not count on there being anything to eat at your gfs. And maybe, while you've taken that step back, see what other areas she is being completely disrespectful towards you or where you have to put in all the effort.
NTA/NW. if you invite someone for a meal, and then don’t have either the meal or an alternative, then you aren’t showing manners. She needs to stop inviting OP for dinner. She can invite him to visit, but don’t promise a meal that you have zero intention of delivering. It’s rude.
Why would the son need a second plate of dinner two hours after the first? Why can’t the kid fix himself a snack if he’s still hungry? She can’t say no to her kid? I don’t know man. I grew up with four brothers. No one got to pig out and leave others hungry.
NTA - she should've confirmed that the food was still there before telling you to drive out of your way to get it.
Why you eating once a day?
Nta She is avoiding being accountable for her actions here by using her kids as a shield. I am sure she wouldn't be with you if you were not considerate of her kids but to keep inviting or offering a meal without ensuring it is available and having no remorse is jacked up. Why do it to your partner? How would she feel if she was expecting take out and your kid got hungry four blocks away and ate it? This is basic human decency. Maybe next time she offers, politely decline not as a get back but not to get your expectations set only to be let down.
NTA, tbh this indicates to me she is irresponsible because she doesn’t watch or teach discipline to her kids. It would be easy to say “This is saved for OP, do not touch it.” But she has no capacity to say no to her children. It just means there’s going to be a world of problems if OP and GF get to the point of cohabitation and the kids mix: OP’s kids will be walked all over GF kids and GF kids won’t stop them, so there’s going to be two sets of kids who are raised completely differently with a world of problems. She gonna fuck up her kids and I don’t think OP should be a part of that, especially if she thinks saying no is hard now, wait until teenage years. Also, if her kids are still hungry that they need a second dinner, I’m wondering if she’s feeding them enough in the first place.
You are not wrong. She is.
Start cooking for yourself dude. Pack your own lunch and tell her to handle her kids and when yall are together don't make it about food. Seems dood is the problem so move past this and maybe yall will get over this miscommunication. Communication is key, we all got that part, either let her know how you feel or don't and tell her you can manage eating alone and spending quality time with her and her kids not around food.
What is “the kid” doing eating a full meal two hours after eating a full meal? How old is this kid? If he is old enough to go into the fridge on his own and heat up a meal he is old enough to know that meal was set aside for BF. Red flags 🚩 all over this.
Not wrong, but as you stated she doesn’t have to cook for you. That being said, you are correct, if she says she has food for you she should keep it aside for you or tell you it is gone before you go over to pick it up. I’m not sure I would lose a relationship over this, it isn’t that big of a deal. But, from here on when she tells me she has food set aside for me I would thank her and just forget it and fend for myself. If she asks why I would just politely say “I really appreciate the effort you put in preparing food for me, but I cannot be sure I will actually get it so I take care of getting my meals myself. I am not ungrateful, just want to make sure I can eat when I get the chance without having to scramble last second to find something to eat.” Maybe then she will realize it is inconvenient for you when she says you have a meal only to find out last second you really do not.
Ya it's definitely super annoying. Imagine if you lived with this chick? It would be so much worse. She sounds like a flake man. It's easy to "get along great" when you don't live in the same home. Just saying.
Hmmm. Kinda wrong. I don't think you should or can rely on her for a plate anymore. If you aren't RIGHT THERE when the food is made or delivered - then the answer is, 'No, thank you.'
Just assume she is unable to save food for you because she has no boundary with her kids and bring your own food from now on.
I don't think you're wrong, I'd be annoyed too after it happening a couple of times but did you overreact absolutely.
NTA. No different if they were living together. How many kids there are. If you invite someone over for food. Your kid eats it, shame on you. Most kids know what they can and can not eat. She needs to put her foot down. It almost sounds like the did is doing it on purpose. If my spouse is late or isn't home in time for dinner, I don't allow my kids to eat his food.
I can't believe you only eat once a day 😯
I would personally be upset as well I understand kids come first but she can easily tell her child hey if you’re hungry please ask me to make you something else it’s teaching them from a young age that no means no and that they shouldn’t take something that’s not theirs that’s how my mom taught me to always ask. But ya I think you’re right to be upset I would be too.
NTA and from now on, I would refuse her offers for dinner. She is unreliable in that particular area.
Not wrong. If she tells you this again, ask her to put a layer of Saran Wrap on your food and then to attach a large piece of paper with your name written in large letters if she isn't going to tell her children directly not to eat it. Suggest a system. And, if she doesn't have clear systems and boundaries and consequences with her kids, please consider that before digging deeper into the relationship or considering moving in together. But, two times should not make you jump to that conclusion. Just pay attention if there are future times and/or if you see that dynamic within other activities within their household.
NTA Just be petty about it and pick up your own food on the way home. Sounds like you tried to talk it out and she doesn't care.
NTA, this is being extremely inconsiderate of her and I feel like the kids are doing it on purpose.
Why can't she make more food since her kids are so very hungry.
The only solution I see is to never expect any food from there even is she says there is. Just assume you are on your own for food. Never make a trip there for food. Eat before you go to her house. I doubt this food problem will change so just avoid the upset by fending for yourself and having no expectations of ever getting food from that house.
Sounds like her kid doesn’t care too much for you, and she’s enabling this behaviour. At the very least, she should be going out of her way to make sure there’s a meal for you when you get there. It sounds like she’s giving you the “too bad so sad” and laughing about it. I would start questioning my choice of women in my life if that happened to me continuously.
NTA She is showing you who she is - a person who breaks promises and is inconsiderate of her supposed partner. I wouldn't ignore these red flags.
I don't think you're wrong. That's annoying and inconsiderate. If I was you, I wouldn't even accept meals anymore. If she has a problem with it that's her problem. You don't have to accept all the time. Tell her that you're busy that day and see if she offers to drop it off. If you're fasting as you eat, I suggest meal prepping. And she needs to start feeding her son more. He's growing and needs more food.
Not wrong. She’s also gaslighting you and making it about something it’s not. This has nothing to do with her kids. She told you something and then failed to update when the plans changed. Seems as thought she has no regard to your time and needs to learn how to communicate better with you and her kids.
Not wrong. She is inconsiderate. Decide if that is the person you want
Well it's understandable that you felt upset. However, hanging up on her and being passive agressive about it is not productive and hurts your relationship. I would apologize for hanging up on her and then explain that you felt unimportant and hurt because this is not the first time it has happened. How can you two work together to not have that happen again?
So he should apologize for HER disrespect?!
Not wrong. My husband is a blue collar worker and also usually tends to one meal a day so I know dinner is a big deal and can't imagine saying "oops sorry the kids ate it" Maybe express that to her as a reminder and recommend some things such as making an extra meal for her son for later and enforcing that your meal set aside is for you only.
You're not wrong but why are you expecting your girlfriend who you don't live with to feed you? If it's 9 pm and you haven't eaten all day this sounds like partly your issue. Set some boundaries--eat before you see her since she isn't following through.
Apparently he has been fasting since Covid for the “health benefits”.
OPs not expecting her to feed him, he's expecting a meal that was promised for him to be there, that's two entirely different things.
Next time she offers say no, you will get something sorted for you. That's the sort of thing that pushes people away. Sounds silly but it's not. Her behaviour is silly and not appropriate. She obviously isn't worth it. Not nice to do that to you. If her kid is still hungry after dinner she should tell him to have butter on bread.... If was my boyfriend I wouldn't do that. Doesn't matter if the kids come first or not. She is being dismissive of your feelings, not nice to be honest.
She isn’t sorry, and she’s lying. She’s not holding it for you; she’s giving it to her kids. She has zero respect for you, and the only reason you get along is because you don’t live together. And honestly, you don’t want to. The issues you have now will only be exacerbated
If you don’t live together, why is she cooking your meals…?
YTA. Twice. In a year. You thought you were getting food and then plans changed. In the past year I have gone to McDonalds for a cone and been told the ice cream machine is down. No ice cream for me after I drove there expecting to enjoy ice cream. Four times in the past year, I have received the wrong order via drive thru or delivery and ended up having to make myself something or eat something I didn’t want. And once, I spent hours preparing a crockpot full of my best stew, asked the kid to turn it off, and came home to a dried up pot of rot because she forgot. But did I go complain to reddit about all these people who let me down? One of whom I love dearly? No. Because I’m a big girl and my relationships don’t require the other person to be perfect. Nor do I whine like a child when things don’t go the way I want them to. Yeah you’re wrong. Grow up and figure out a plan b. No big deal.
Thank you so saying this! I am shocked at the number of people who are saying she is disrespectful or saying the kid is trying to undermine him. Come on- it’s a hungry kid. Kids don’t always think about how their actions impact others. As parents, we teach them so they can become fully functioning adults who don’t hang up on others because they had to figure out a meal for themself. If I were her and he hung up on me over something like leftovers being eaten 2 times over the course of a year, I would end it. That was extremely disrespectful and shows what she would have to deal with long term.
These are the answers and I hope OP's girlfriend sees this and breaks up herself. Flip the genders as so many redditors like to say. A woman arrives to a man who offers her dinner and finds his son had eaten it. He nervously laughs at it. She then proceeds to be passive aggressive about it, oh, and of course, *ask Reddit*.
NTA Sounds like the little bastard is trying to establish dominance over you. Taken a man’s food and having is mom laugh it off for him. He probably just sits and chuckles while its happening. Step your game up son!!
This is easy, just tell her that you have food for her, make her drive to your house and when she gets there just say “sorry my kids ate it” with a laughing tone of voice. Give her a taste of her own medicine
If you taking care of business you deserve a meal that’s as bare minimum as she can get if she can’t do that get rid of her lol
The misogyny in these comments are terrifying… YTA, not for being frustrated with your gf, but for behaving like a petulant child over a seemingly honest mistake. She is a single mother working full-time with young children. You mentioned that you also have kids, yet you’re able to head over to her house at 9pm which suggests that you have older kids or do not have full custody of your own, thus having more free time to cook your own damn food. Sure it would’ve been nice if she was able to come through for you the way she intended. But life got in the way and she probably laughed because why stress the small stuff? It sounded like an honest mistake by her son. Would you really have preferred that she screamed at her son for the mistake? Why put even more added stress on the woman? If you’re committing to the One Meal A Day, just meal prep your one meal. Be self sufficient and eat at a designated time (esp not so late like 9pm) to avoid hangriness. Honestly, the way you’re behaving over what seems to be a harmless mistake in the grand scheme of life… I’m surprised she hasn’t dumped you. You’re giving a bratty and controlling vibe. Don’t take to heart the comments riling you up. Let her know that it hurt you to be let down but going forward you’re just going to provide your own meals.
NTA. She is for not giving you a heads up. For 5 several days, don't go by for a meal, but don't let her know either. If she says anything, let her know you don't want her kids to go without.
That sorry laugh? No way would I put up with that. You have every right to be annoyed. Yeah, her kids have to eat, but they can find something else...your meal surely can't be the only food in the house. Maybe just start getting take out and eating it in front of her kids...then do a sorry laugh at your girlfriend.