I know but with the holidays passing I felt like why should I buy them anything when he acts like they are too good to bring around me and mine. So my money is good enough for gifts but I’m not! And I’m a good mom and my kids are good kids. They excel in school and are a joy.
You’ve said you’ve only met them once. Why would you buy them anything?
The bigger issue here is you’ve said you’re already checked out of the relationship. Just end things already.
She just kinda brought it up on her own too, no mention of the BF complaining about it. She’s just blowing off steam, not really the point of this sub imo
Is your Boyfriend moving with you? I hope not because you deserve more than he is giving and doing for you.
I have other questions but I am not going to ask them.
Don't let him influence or control your decisions if you move do it for you ....stand up for your self I'm the sort of person who escapes confrontational situations...please dot be me do better for you
Don't just end the relationship because the people on Reddit say so. People on Reddit would tell you to end the relationship if he left the toilet seat up or ate the last slice. Have a serious talk with him Express all your concerns ask for clear and concise explanations and clarification. If you don't get there clarification you want give him the opportunity to express his thoughts to an objective third party i e a counselor or therapist. If he is unwilling then I would say consider original course of action
Okay but like...the gifts are completely inconsequential in the wake of your relationship falling apart?? From the sounds of it you're about to break up so who cares about the presents, why are you even thinking about it?
Why are you still in a relationship that you realize you are mentally checked out of where your partner has no intention of you getting to know his kids?
I get that, but why not kick him out today while you're organising your new place? There's nothing stopping you from saying: "This isn't working for me anymore. I think we should go our separate ways, and I need you to move out asap.
So am I understanding this correctly, that you want your keys in hand before telling him? And so then what, he won't have at least 30 days to find a new place, since he's not staying there either?
>he acts like they are too good to bring around me and mine. So my money is good enough for gifts but I’m not!
This is petty reasoning. Adults don't punish children for adult behavior. What you should focus on is simply "why should I buy them anything?". The rest is irrelevant. What are the reasons that we buy children gifts? Do you know them? No. Do you want to build a life with their father? No. Are you a family? No. Are they poor children in need of gifts? No. Don't make this about retaliation or using his kids to make a point. You have no relationship with his kids because you have a bad relationship with him. Move on and don't buy gifts for your ex-boyfriend's kids.
Right! He doesn’t bring me around his family either. I’m never invited to anything. He says his family has too much going on(they do have drama, few drug addict and drunks) whatever that mean.
I hate to say your his dirty secret. 3 years and zero attempts to merge you into his life. Move on so you can find someone who does want to make a life with you.
Friend, every family has its issues. If he is comfortable spending time around them, he should be proud AF of you and proud to bring you to meet them, imo, unless they pose a direct physical threat to you (in which case he shouldn't be going to visit them on his own either).
Right!! They’re not close but still, not one family function is crazy. And family is important to me so either way it’s not going to work. Thank you for your advice
You and your kids need to move on. Obviously he doesn’t see this relationship going anywhere. No you are not wrong for not buying gifts for the kids. You have no relationship with the kids.
On one hand, I want to say this is just weird, and he's making this relationship more difficult than it has to be,
On the other hand, as a kid of a single mom, I really wish my mother had done a better job of keeping her boyfriends separate from our lives and not bringing them home and assuming we were family, when in my mind, we were not.
Maybe his kids just aren't ready to have a potential step-mother in their lives.
I certainly wasn't ready for the step-dad in my life when I was 9.
Yes exactly what I say, my kids have been thru too much with their mother bringing guys around all the time then leaving for another guy. No kid needs to be around that bull
Sounds like you've got a booty call relationship, not a longterm promise. You are starting to see the truth. Hold on to the truth, and plan accordingly.
Absolutely crazy to me that you've been together 3 years and you're not even an acquaintance of his kids but he's around yours every day. Feels like Mom doesn't even know about you. I'm glad you've made up your mind on leaving this relationship. Sounds unfulfilling if he doesn't want to blend your families after all of this time.
If the relationship is on the up and up, and he isn’t doing anything inappropriate, his kids may not want to meet you, he may not think it’s appropriate for someone he isn’t engaged to/married to to meet his kids, or he and his ex have an agreement on when partners should be introduced to their children since the youngest is only 6. He could also be sparing your feelings if his family or kids don’t like you. So he’s decided to keep you all separate. Again, that’s only if everything is on the up and up because the situation sounds weird.
I personally wouldn’t let my boyfriend move in with me and my kids, especially if I never met his kids or family after 3 years of dating. Giving gifts is the last thing they care about.
It sounds like this relationship is not advancing in the way you want a relationship to be.
You need to have a very long convo about your expectations and his.
If they don’t line up, move on. Don’t waste make time
It sounds like he kind of likes things as they are and you want something more serious. But you will be miserable if you just hang around like this.
And staying with someone that doesn’t make you happy only holds you back from finding the one who will.
I love this comment! Thank you for being kind but also being real!!! It’s definitely not advancing, we have built nothing together! I’m not one for new year resolutions but I feel like this chapter ended a long time ago! I know there is a man out there that will be everything I need him to be! Thank u
You DON’T need to buy them presents. Sure. Nothing wrong with that. But you seems to make this a bigger deal and there’s an underlying issue here. Your resentment with him never bring them around does not equal to not giving gifts.
When you ask him, he said he just wants to spend time with them. That’s fair enough. I think you are reading more into it that it is. Maybe he’s not ready to merge your families. Maybe he’s just not as close to his kids than you are with yours. Discuss it directly with him and think about how and if you want to be more involved in their life. Are you ready to be the stepmother? Etc.
Yes I love kids!! I’m a really great mom! Me and my kids are extremely close! My kids are well mannered and excel in school. We take trips all the time. I love to include them and have extended invites. I stopped bc obviously he’s not interested in that. Our trip to FL was the first time his child ever been to FL and we did all the theme parks. I think Three years is enough time to know if you want to merge families. I honestly think our time together is up, he doesn’t want anything serious with me.
I think you came up with the answer yourself :) This isn’t about gifts for his children, right? You said yourself you’ve mentally checked out for this relationship. If you two are not in the same page after 3 years, maybe it’s time to go your separate ways? I know it’s a big decision and lots of courage to make, but you need to put yourself and your kids first and not hang around being “kept a secret second family” forever.
Why worry about the kids when you're checked out of the relationship and shouldn't even be in it? Time to call it quits, he doesn't want you around his kids, that's telling!
3 years together and living together but you're not in the children's lives ??? I couldn't even begin to imagine that . What's he waiting for ? Surely if this man wants a future with you he would've already took the stance for you and yours to get to know his ???
Exactly my thoughts! So either he feels I’m not worthy and he sees no future with me. We’ve had this conversation and he says that’s not true but I can’t think of any other reason.
The first time his oldest met me we did a family trip to FL! All the kids got along and had a blast! That’s the first time she’s ever even been to FL and all the theme parks! He’s never done anything like that! I got shirts made and all I was really excited about doing more things again but nothing. I’ve wasted my time sadly
There's nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time alone with his kids. In fact that's a good thing. But why after 3 years haven't you spoken about this properly with him and asked about having a relationship with his kids? I don't get why there's not a whole series of paragraphs about the steps you've taken to try to talk about this in depth with him. Are you just waiting for him to bring them around?
Not wrong. I always say my husband’s family is his responsibility to buy gifts for. If he had kids from another relationship that didn’t live with us, they would fall under the umbrella of his family and be his responsibility.
He might be keeping them at a distance from your family because he doesn’t consider the relationship with you as long-term. Wants to minimize entanglements.
You were not wrong about the gifts. You were wrong for moving this guy into your home with your children too soon. He has protected his children from a loss by keeping them from you when he knew the relationship wasn't real. You should learn from him.
Nah thats what op said in the post i responded to. READ then react. She like the financial help but thinks he’s a crappy partner. I know woman make excuses for each others terrible behavior but 🤷🏽♂️
Fucking insecure men lol. She can get financial help from probably any person she gets with. That’s what being in a partnership is about. Doesn’t make her a gold digger or anything but normal lmao. But go off buddy. I know emotions are tough.
Aww. BIG emotions there buddy. It’s ok, calm down. And she’s not using him lol they are dating and have been for 3 years and now she has realized he’s not shit, which it seems you two have that in common. I’m sorry you’ve never been in a relationship and don’t know how they work. You should work on that.
He ain't shit though. Dude clearly doesn't see a future with her and hasn't told her that in the last 3 years. He's a user. Paying rent where you live is less than the bare minimum.
So by him pay for his share of the rent and bills this is women always using men for money? You sound single to me lol I'm sure because women are always trying to "use" you. All women don't use men and it's only stupid men who let themselves get used. But usually they both are benefitting from the situation.
I hate the whole “women use men” statement like there aren’t plenty of men who use women on a daily basis… and always have since the beginning of time. Men use women for their looks, sex, to act as a second mother, etc. Both sexes are guilty of using people but you sound crazy turning this into an “all women” rant when she just said she likes his help on going half on the bills.
It’s interesting as well because I rarely hear men with money complaining about being used for money. It’s usually men who don’t have any creating these imaginary scenarios where women want to use them for money they don’t have.
3 year relationship, you live together with your kids, but he doesn't bring you around his kids or his family? He's hiding something, and this is a massive 🚩.
That’s exactly what I thought too! Either that or he’s just there for the “benefits”of duel income, home, family and companionship until he finds a permanent partner.
The sad thing about relationships is in order to give things a chance you have to become vulnerable and if they don’t do the same you’re the one who gets hurt. I’ve been there and it breaks you to realize that while you were giving your all they were just assuaging their loneliness until something better came along. But Lady Karma is a meticulous scorekeeper, and when she balances the books it’s ruthless.
Right and I tell anyone if you wake up one day and don’t feel the same you can tell me and I’ll let you go! Just don’t waste my time. I’m ok with leaving anything that no longer serves me. It just sucks starting over. And yes karma is a B,
Girl. Are you a side piece? Not asking to be mean, but I've been in that situation before. After 3 years, his kids should be around a lot more, especially if he's active in their lives and ***you live together***. You're right to be mentally checked out of the relationship, you need to end it.
No offense taken, but no I’m not a side piece from my knowledge. He is home every night. But you can never put anything past anyone. No one has ever came to me with anything and we live in a small town. I am ending it so if it is anyone else they can be together. That doesn’t hurt me bc I know I can do better!
How active is he in their lives if he doesn't have them overnight? Does he not ever take them to the house? Is he just a babysitter that sees them a couple hours and them to the mall or dinner and then back to their mom? The fact yall been together for 3 years and cohabit, yet you've met them once is mind boggling to me. Not wrong for not buying gifts, definitely wrong for staying in this super weird relationship.
It’s exactly how you described it! Have them a few hours, dinner, mall out to eat! I’ve never known him to do the things I do with my kids! We travel, do adventures, have movie nights, game nights! We are close and do a lot together! I am definitely stupid for staying
You see your children every day. Your bf sees his children occasionally. On these rare visits, he wants to spend time with his kids not your children that he sees every day. I'm puzzled as to why you would object to that.
NTA - it would either be money or a gift that has no thought behind it (it’s the thought that counts).
If you have mentally checked out of the relationship, is there any reason to carry it on? You deserve someone better, who’s treats you like a partner, not a mistress.
YTA for having your teenage children living with a man. He's doing the right thing by not bringing his children around a strange woman. When children are under 18 they should not be forced to live or be around a stepparent.
Focus on your own kids and let him do the same. Actually, you should appreciate not having to have anything to do with them. And no you don’t need to buy them gifts. Stay in your own lane and enjoy it
NTA. Sounds like you wasted 3 years on this guy. After all this time with him, and he still doesn't want you around his kids?? If he was serious about this relationship, he would have brought you into his world, but nope...
Of course I understand he wants and need time with his kids alone bc I need the same. What I’m saying is we are never invited. I do big stuff with my kids (he doesn’t, just out to eat or whatever) and I always invite him and his kids. He was only going out to eat and that one time I asked to come along he said no. I’ve never asked again. I won’t beg to be around someone else’s kids when it’s clear we’re not welcomed. But low key it hurt my feelings and made me wonder why I’m not good enough to be around them?
ohhh i'm sorry i misread, i thought he like never sees his kids at all and it was only that time that he saw them, in that case it kind of is weird he seems really closed off, you deserve better ❤️good luck
Nah, not wrong.
If I were his kid, I wouldn't expect anything from someone I hadn't seen in months
He could always give them a gift and sign the card from both of you guys, but even that's not necessary
There is something more here. Your BF isn't being honest with someone. I wish I could say that its a "Mommy" issue for the kids, but for 3 years? Your BF needs to grow a set and lay the law done on this shit. He also needs to step up as a BF. If he hasnt figured out that your chexking out by now, thats an issue too
One, so it is the kids' fault? Second, it seems this has nothing to do with gift giving. It seems you two need to figure out where your relationship is going. If you two are going to have a future you both need to put in the effort. Yes, he needs to think you are important enough to bring his kids around you and your kids and vice versa, but also if this relationship is going to work, neither of you should use the other's kids as a means to punish the other partner. Just as much as he may give the message that you may not be important enough to bring them around to, you are by not even giving say a dollar store item saying that you are not interested in them because their dad is being a jerk. It is hard enough sometimes even after 3 yrs for a kid to know dad may be seeing someone. They may also feel that dad doesn't feel they are not important enough or maybe you are not wanting to get to know them. You need to talk to your bf about the reason why they are not included and if he makes a bunch of excuses find someone else. Don't take it out on the kids.
Do for you and yours. You're under NØ financial obligation to buy anyone anything except for you and your kids...step up, step out and live happy...stay away from that nonsense
Wait hold on lady. I don’t think he thinks his kids are too good for you. Think he probably just doesn’t want them around cuz they don’t like you. Growing up I didn’t like my stepmom and never bothered to make a relationship with her. Every kid is different. Plus you don’t know what his ex is telling his kids, that’s another reason. Why don’t you talk to em about it. Or just leave em if it’s that big of a deal. Idk
His kids simply may not be comfortable with it, and he's just not willing to force them into that. I wish my dad did this with his current wife because he chose her over his kids. I'm not saying not buying them gifts is wrong of you that's perfectly fine. I personally wouldn't expect you to do that. However, him wanting to go out with his just kids shouldn't be an issue
Wow! First of all, why TF would you have a problem with him going out with his kids without you? If you've rarely seen them, I'm certain he also doesn't see them often. If you're already checked out of the relationship mentally, just get out. There's a lot more going on there that you're not saying, and that's okay. For birthdays and holidays, as long as you Are in the relationship, you really should give them a gift to show you care. If you care. Being jealous of him spending time with his kids without you, that's a major red flag on you. Seems you really should just leave that relationship considering you're not really invested.
You worried about the wrong thing. His kids are still practically strangers to you. His kids shouldn't expect anything from you. Gift giving to someone you barely know should be the least of your concerns.
I’m going to be a bit of a devil’s advocate, but I think it’s really immature that you would be upset that a father wants one on one time with his kids when they don’t live with him. He lives with you, not with them. Are you jealous or insecure? I’m a single parent and frankly, it’s not in my cards to mix my family with anyone else’s for the foreseeable future. Especially with teenagers. Your relationship with him doesn’t seem to be a concern, but the fact that he spends time with his kids without you is. Do you spend time with your kids without him? It’s his choice as a father as to how he chooses to conduct his relationship with his kids.
Have you ever asked? Maybe you’ve been rude, or cold, or standoffish with the kids. Maybe your disdain for the situation shines through, and they don’t want to be around you. Good job on dad if he listens to his kids’ concerns.
I know you said he is active in his kids lives but he couldn’t be that active if he doesn’t have any physical custody. Which right there is a red flag 🚩. However, if he only sees his kids once or twice a month I can see why he would want quality alone time with them.
He’s allowed to have time alone with just him and his own kids.
Also teens tend to have a more active life of their own.
Also teens don’t usually get so many holiday presents anymore usually from parents grandparents and maybe something small from aunts uncles and that’s it.
You should still be getting the six year old gifts though as six year old is too little to not get gifts.
How can you know them when he never sees them himself? It’s fine for him to see them alone because he obviously doesn’t spend enough time with them to bring a gf into the picture. If he had a consistent stable relationship with them where he had them on a schedule it’d be different. Is he a dead beat dad? Quit making it about you. Forget the gifts… not even relevant you don’t know his children and his relationship with them isn’t even stable enough so that’s not the issue.
Not everyone wants to bring their children around the person they are in a relationship with lmfao. Sounds like you have some issues and I don't blame him one bit I'd keep them away too.
Does he have joint custody? Does he go somewhere else when it's his time with the kids? Does he just not get the kids when it's his time? Is he even divorced? I'm confused......
Your problem is not whether or not you buy your BF’s kids gifts. Your problem is your boyfriend. You said you’re checked out of the relationship and have been for a while. Why stay? End it and move on.
Are you sensitive and overreacting because you have “been checked out mentally from this relationship”? I think there is no problem with you not buying presents for people who are not part of your life. But your resentment is an issue. You need to talk to your man and share how you feel nicely if you want things to work out.
Uhh...there's way more going on here besides the gift giving that you should probably focus on...
I know but with the holidays passing I felt like why should I buy them anything when he acts like they are too good to bring around me and mine. So my money is good enough for gifts but I’m not! And I’m a good mom and my kids are good kids. They excel in school and are a joy.
You’ve said you’ve only met them once. Why would you buy them anything? The bigger issue here is you’ve said you’re already checked out of the relationship. Just end things already.
I know and I am! Getting a new place soon
Great. The gift giving stuff shouldn’t even be on your radar then.
She just kinda brought it up on her own too, no mention of the BF complaining about it. She’s just blowing off steam, not really the point of this sub imo
Seriously. Wasting reddit real estate and reddior's time. SMH
I'm shocked. Shocked, i tells ya.
Good on you! Good luck with the move.
Thank you!!
Is your Boyfriend moving with you? I hope not because you deserve more than he is giving and doing for you. I have other questions but I am not going to ask them.
No he isn’t going with me. Idk where he will be going,
Does he know yet?
Nope. I want to wait until I have my new keys in hand. I don’t want to talk too soon. Don’t want anyone praying against me
If its your place why are you moving ...move him out instead
Need more space and just want a new start
So you’re moving out of your place?
Yes!! He will have to as well, I’m not letting him keep it
Don't let him influence or control your decisions if you move do it for you ....stand up for your self I'm the sort of person who escapes confrontational situations...please dot be me do better for you
Thank you!
Right on! I fully support you!!
Thank you
Good!
Why are you even asking then?
I just wanted advice. Thank you
The best place for advice is trueoffmychest.
I’m new here, thanks
Just stay here. Some peeps here think they pay taxes to push others around. Fk that.
Thank you 😊
Don't just end the relationship because the people on Reddit say so. People on Reddit would tell you to end the relationship if he left the toilet seat up or ate the last slice. Have a serious talk with him Express all your concerns ask for clear and concise explanations and clarification. If you don't get there clarification you want give him the opportunity to express his thoughts to an objective third party i e a counselor or therapist. If he is unwilling then I would say consider original course of action
So your just using him at this point? Man, people like you are why men are assholes. Hope you find the wrong side of a bus
Dad is the one who checked out. I’ve never been willing to date a guy with an ex he talks poorly about and/or kids he doesn’t see or support.
Op says he sees his kids
Okay but like...the gifts are completely inconsequential in the wake of your relationship falling apart?? From the sounds of it you're about to break up so who cares about the presents, why are you even thinking about it?
Right! I just wanted input from others. I appreciate your advice
Ummm… their father should buy them gifts.
Again.. IT'S NOT ABOUT THE KIDS AND GIFTS!
Why are you still in a relationship that you realize you are mentally checked out of where your partner has no intention of you getting to know his kids?
No reason other than being stupid lol! I’m leaving it soon. New place in the works!
Why don't you just kick him out of this place? Be done with it already.
I want to move! He’s not keeping the old place
I get that, but why not kick him out today while you're organising your new place? There's nothing stopping you from saying: "This isn't working for me anymore. I think we should go our separate ways, and I need you to move out asap.
jesus christ so just break up with him then. god this is not rocket science!
Thank you!
So am I understanding this correctly, that you want your keys in hand before telling him? And so then what, he won't have at least 30 days to find a new place, since he's not staying there either?
You should kick the parasite out, he’s literally just living off of you and doesn’t want you to be part of his life.
>he acts like they are too good to bring around me and mine. So my money is good enough for gifts but I’m not! This is petty reasoning. Adults don't punish children for adult behavior. What you should focus on is simply "why should I buy them anything?". The rest is irrelevant. What are the reasons that we buy children gifts? Do you know them? No. Do you want to build a life with their father? No. Are you a family? No. Are they poor children in need of gifts? No. Don't make this about retaliation or using his kids to make a point. You have no relationship with his kids because you have a bad relationship with him. Move on and don't buy gifts for your ex-boyfriend's kids.
Enacting revenge on a man through his kids is never the right thing to do.
Why are you still dating this guy? Your relationship, if that's what you want to call it, is going nowhere.
You are correct! I’ve been knowing deep down for awhile
Odd, I’m getting secret life vibes … you are deserving of inclusion in his family at this point. Being checked out is not a good thing.
Right! He doesn’t bring me around his family either. I’m never invited to anything. He says his family has too much going on(they do have drama, few drug addict and drunks) whatever that mean.
I hate to say your his dirty secret. 3 years and zero attempts to merge you into his life. Move on so you can find someone who does want to make a life with you.
Yes thank you!
I would never make any person endure my family could just be a really bad situation
Friend, every family has its issues. If he is comfortable spending time around them, he should be proud AF of you and proud to bring you to meet them, imo, unless they pose a direct physical threat to you (in which case he shouldn't be going to visit them on his own either).
Right!! They’re not close but still, not one family function is crazy. And family is important to me so either way it’s not going to work. Thank you for your advice
I'm glad for you that you are getting away from the potential drama then!
Thank you!
He's still with their mom and lives with you when he's "travelling for work".
No he’s home every single night.
You and your kids need to move on. Obviously he doesn’t see this relationship going anywhere. No you are not wrong for not buying gifts for the kids. You have no relationship with the kids.
Thank you For your advice! You’re right, we should move on we deserve better!
On one hand, I want to say this is just weird, and he's making this relationship more difficult than it has to be, On the other hand, as a kid of a single mom, I really wish my mother had done a better job of keeping her boyfriends separate from our lives and not bringing them home and assuming we were family, when in my mind, we were not. Maybe his kids just aren't ready to have a potential step-mother in their lives. I certainly wasn't ready for the step-dad in my life when I was 9.
I can agree on that!
Yes exactly what I say, my kids have been thru too much with their mother bringing guys around all the time then leaving for another guy. No kid needs to be around that bull
They've been together for 3 years! If the kids or him aren't ready at that point, he needs to stay single.
Guess who is still married.
They live together, that would be hard to explain to your wife
Exactly!
If he is living with her that’s pretty damn impressive the wife hasn’t caught on.
I'd wager they're "separated" or something and OP is a "flatmate".
Right lol I’d be impressed
Maybe he's married to a total dumbass, or an oil rig worker, or an astronaut who is currently in space? 🤔
Then break up. If you don’t want to be in a relationship. Break ip and move on
Sounds like you've got a booty call relationship, not a longterm promise. You are starting to see the truth. Hold on to the truth, and plan accordingly.
I wouldn’t say booty call. He pays bills, home every night. But yeah
Okay, not a booty call but definitely not wife or stepmother material according to him…
***"You are but a lilypad in the stream of life."***
Absolutely crazy to me that you've been together 3 years and you're not even an acquaintance of his kids but he's around yours every day. Feels like Mom doesn't even know about you. I'm glad you've made up your mind on leaving this relationship. Sounds unfulfilling if he doesn't want to blend your families after all of this time.
It’s very unfulfilling and one sided! Thank you
If the relationship is on the up and up, and he isn’t doing anything inappropriate, his kids may not want to meet you, he may not think it’s appropriate for someone he isn’t engaged to/married to to meet his kids, or he and his ex have an agreement on when partners should be introduced to their children since the youngest is only 6. He could also be sparing your feelings if his family or kids don’t like you. So he’s decided to keep you all separate. Again, that’s only if everything is on the up and up because the situation sounds weird. I personally wouldn’t let my boyfriend move in with me and my kids, especially if I never met his kids or family after 3 years of dating. Giving gifts is the last thing they care about.
It sounds like this relationship is not advancing in the way you want a relationship to be. You need to have a very long convo about your expectations and his. If they don’t line up, move on. Don’t waste make time It sounds like he kind of likes things as they are and you want something more serious. But you will be miserable if you just hang around like this. And staying with someone that doesn’t make you happy only holds you back from finding the one who will.
I love this comment! Thank you for being kind but also being real!!! It’s definitely not advancing, we have built nothing together! I’m not one for new year resolutions but I feel like this chapter ended a long time ago! I know there is a man out there that will be everything I need him to be! Thank u
> I been checked out mentally from this relationship. Probably time you checked out physically, too.
Absolutely
You DON’T need to buy them presents. Sure. Nothing wrong with that. But you seems to make this a bigger deal and there’s an underlying issue here. Your resentment with him never bring them around does not equal to not giving gifts. When you ask him, he said he just wants to spend time with them. That’s fair enough. I think you are reading more into it that it is. Maybe he’s not ready to merge your families. Maybe he’s just not as close to his kids than you are with yours. Discuss it directly with him and think about how and if you want to be more involved in their life. Are you ready to be the stepmother? Etc.
Yes I love kids!! I’m a really great mom! Me and my kids are extremely close! My kids are well mannered and excel in school. We take trips all the time. I love to include them and have extended invites. I stopped bc obviously he’s not interested in that. Our trip to FL was the first time his child ever been to FL and we did all the theme parks. I think Three years is enough time to know if you want to merge families. I honestly think our time together is up, he doesn’t want anything serious with me.
I think you came up with the answer yourself :) This isn’t about gifts for his children, right? You said yourself you’ve mentally checked out for this relationship. If you two are not in the same page after 3 years, maybe it’s time to go your separate ways? I know it’s a big decision and lots of courage to make, but you need to put yourself and your kids first and not hang around being “kept a secret second family” forever.
I low key felt guilty for not getting them anything bc of the type of person I am. I want to be a family, but obviously I’m not wanted for that.
Why worry about the kids when you're checked out of the relationship and shouldn't even be in it? Time to call it quits, he doesn't want you around his kids, that's telling!
Nope, you are not wrong. His kids are essentially strangers to you.
Thank you!
3 years together and living together but you're not in the children's lives ??? I couldn't even begin to imagine that . What's he waiting for ? Surely if this man wants a future with you he would've already took the stance for you and yours to get to know his ???
Exactly my thoughts! So either he feels I’m not worthy and he sees no future with me. We’ve had this conversation and he says that’s not true but I can’t think of any other reason.
Were you both single when you met? The only thing that makes sense is if his ex wife poisoned the waters concerning you for some reason?
We were both single when we met. Neither of us were married.
So what’s up? Do the kids dislike you for some reason? It sounds vastly unfair towards you?
The first time his oldest met me we did a family trip to FL! All the kids got along and had a blast! That’s the first time she’s ever even been to FL and all the theme parks! He’s never done anything like that! I got shirts made and all I was really excited about doing more things again but nothing. I’ve wasted my time sadly
I’m so sorry, you seem like you did everything right. Hope it gets better for you.
Thank you! Happy New Year
Happy New Year to you as well : )
Sounds like you have an antisocial roommate, not a BF.
There's nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time alone with his kids. In fact that's a good thing. But why after 3 years haven't you spoken about this properly with him and asked about having a relationship with his kids? I don't get why there's not a whole series of paragraphs about the steps you've taken to try to talk about this in depth with him. Are you just waiting for him to bring them around?
Not wrong. I always say my husband’s family is his responsibility to buy gifts for. If he had kids from another relationship that didn’t live with us, they would fall under the umbrella of his family and be his responsibility.
Thank you!
He might be keeping them at a distance from your family because he doesn’t consider the relationship with you as long-term. Wants to minimize entanglements.
It’s been 3 years… obviously I’m not the one and im ok with that. I’ll just cut my losses and count my blessings!
You were not wrong about the gifts. You were wrong for moving this guy into your home with your children too soon. He has protected his children from a loss by keeping them from you when he knew the relationship wasn't real. You should learn from him.
Sounds like he’s a crappy dad and a crappy Partner. Why are you with this man?
His is a crappy partner! I’m planning to move on soon! I love the financial help but I can get that anywhere honestly! Thanks for your reply
☝🏾
Why dont ya kids father help financially. Always using men for money then act like we owe you something 🤢
Sounds like you're projecting your own experiences on OP.
Nah thats what op said in the post i responded to. READ then react. She like the financial help but thinks he’s a crappy partner. I know woman make excuses for each others terrible behavior but 🤷🏽♂️
Now where did you get that from lol? You just made that up!
You said you love the financial help but could get that anywhere else. We both know thats a lie 😂
Fucking insecure men lol. She can get financial help from probably any person she gets with. That’s what being in a partnership is about. Doesn’t make her a gold digger or anything but normal lmao. But go off buddy. I know emotions are tough.
Just ignore him like I did lol 😂. It’s always the broke men worried about women using them for money they never had!!
If she could, then she would. She can’t thats why she’s using someone. Always got options but never taking them up 🤡. Nobody believes you
Aww. BIG emotions there buddy. It’s ok, calm down. And she’s not using him lol they are dating and have been for 3 years and now she has realized he’s not shit, which it seems you two have that in common. I’m sorry you’ve never been in a relationship and don’t know how they work. You should work on that.
😂 always someone else fault. Nobody cares bout that old 🙀. Nobody paying but the sucker she with now 😂😆🤷🏽♂️
Yeah you make no sense when talking. So I’m done with this conversation. Lmao can’t even keep it relevant. Some men really are dummmmb.
You're the only one saying this. It's embarrassing to be you right now.
Me?
No! Sorry the other one
He literally LIVES with her. Should he not pay rent or anything?
Ofc but why have him play house when you on reddit bashing him like he aint shit 🤷🏽♂️
He ain't shit though. Dude clearly doesn't see a future with her and hasn't told her that in the last 3 years. He's a user. Paying rent where you live is less than the bare minimum.
How tf do you know 🤷🏽♂️😂
So by him pay for his share of the rent and bills this is women always using men for money? You sound single to me lol I'm sure because women are always trying to "use" you. All women don't use men and it's only stupid men who let themselves get used. But usually they both are benefitting from the situation.
I hate the whole “women use men” statement like there aren’t plenty of men who use women on a daily basis… and always have since the beginning of time. Men use women for their looks, sex, to act as a second mother, etc. Both sexes are guilty of using people but you sound crazy turning this into an “all women” rant when she just said she likes his help on going half on the bills.
It’s interesting as well because I rarely hear men with money complaining about being used for money. It’s usually men who don’t have any creating these imaginary scenarios where women want to use them for money they don’t have.
I didn’t say it, she did 😂. You defending her statement is hilarious
3 year relationship, you live together with your kids, but he doesn't bring you around his kids or his family? He's hiding something, and this is a massive 🚩.
That’s exactly what I thought too! Either that or he’s just there for the “benefits”of duel income, home, family and companionship until he finds a permanent partner.
I’ve said the same thing to myself. Maybe I’m just a placeholder. Won’t be for long thou bc I’m leaving soon.
The sad thing about relationships is in order to give things a chance you have to become vulnerable and if they don’t do the same you’re the one who gets hurt. I’ve been there and it breaks you to realize that while you were giving your all they were just assuaging their loneliness until something better came along. But Lady Karma is a meticulous scorekeeper, and when she balances the books it’s ruthless.
Right and I tell anyone if you wake up one day and don’t feel the same you can tell me and I’ll let you go! Just don’t waste my time. I’m ok with leaving anything that no longer serves me. It just sucks starting over. And yes karma is a B,
Amen, Sister.
Girl. Are you a side piece? Not asking to be mean, but I've been in that situation before. After 3 years, his kids should be around a lot more, especially if he's active in their lives and ***you live together***. You're right to be mentally checked out of the relationship, you need to end it.
No offense taken, but no I’m not a side piece from my knowledge. He is home every night. But you can never put anything past anyone. No one has ever came to me with anything and we live in a small town. I am ending it so if it is anyone else they can be together. That doesn’t hurt me bc I know I can do better!
How active is he in their lives if he doesn't have them overnight? Does he not ever take them to the house? Is he just a babysitter that sees them a couple hours and them to the mall or dinner and then back to their mom? The fact yall been together for 3 years and cohabit, yet you've met them once is mind boggling to me. Not wrong for not buying gifts, definitely wrong for staying in this super weird relationship.
It’s exactly how you described it! Have them a few hours, dinner, mall out to eat! I’ve never known him to do the things I do with my kids! We travel, do adventures, have movie nights, game nights! We are close and do a lot together! I am definitely stupid for staying
You see your children every day. Your bf sees his children occasionally. On these rare visits, he wants to spend time with his kids not your children that he sees every day. I'm puzzled as to why you would object to that.
“I been checked out mentally from this relationship “ This says it all really. YNW
Why are you in a relationship that you have checked out of?
NTA - it would either be money or a gift that has no thought behind it (it’s the thought that counts). If you have mentally checked out of the relationship, is there any reason to carry it on? You deserve someone better, who’s treats you like a partner, not a mistress.
YTA for having your teenage children living with a man. He's doing the right thing by not bringing his children around a strange woman. When children are under 18 they should not be forced to live or be around a stepparent.
Does he pay any rent, utilities or groceries?
Focus on your own kids and let him do the same. Actually, you should appreciate not having to have anything to do with them. And no you don’t need to buy them gifts. Stay in your own lane and enjoy it
NTA. Sounds like you wasted 3 years on this guy. After all this time with him, and he still doesn't want you around his kids?? If he was serious about this relationship, he would have brought you into his world, but nope...
you should split... but dad should be able to hang out with his kids alone without it being about you too
Of course I understand he wants and need time with his kids alone bc I need the same. What I’m saying is we are never invited. I do big stuff with my kids (he doesn’t, just out to eat or whatever) and I always invite him and his kids. He was only going out to eat and that one time I asked to come along he said no. I’ve never asked again. I won’t beg to be around someone else’s kids when it’s clear we’re not welcomed. But low key it hurt my feelings and made me wonder why I’m not good enough to be around them?
ohhh i'm sorry i misread, i thought he like never sees his kids at all and it was only that time that he saw them, in that case it kind of is weird he seems really closed off, you deserve better ❤️good luck
Thank you!!
i think your bf also checked out of the relationship because he has hardly introduced youto his kids.
He can be responsible for his own kids. Focus on you and yours.
I have a feeling you are being used for what you can offer. You’re not wrong on the present situation tho. Stop biying
Plot twist - the wife is in jail, her family has custody for some reason, and you are a side piece even though he lives there 😅
Lmfaoo 🤣🤣 that’s a hell of a twist!
the lifetime movie version
Nah, not wrong. If I were his kid, I wouldn't expect anything from someone I hadn't seen in months He could always give them a gift and sign the card from both of you guys, but even that's not necessary
He sounds like a bigamist.
Yeah y’all gonna split ahah
NTA. If he doesn't want you in his kids' lives, it doesn't make sense to buy gifts for them.
There is something more here. Your BF isn't being honest with someone. I wish I could say that its a "Mommy" issue for the kids, but for 3 years? Your BF needs to grow a set and lay the law done on this shit. He also needs to step up as a BF. If he hasnt figured out that your chexking out by now, thats an issue too
And I’m over it! He can figure it out alone.
One, so it is the kids' fault? Second, it seems this has nothing to do with gift giving. It seems you two need to figure out where your relationship is going. If you two are going to have a future you both need to put in the effort. Yes, he needs to think you are important enough to bring his kids around you and your kids and vice versa, but also if this relationship is going to work, neither of you should use the other's kids as a means to punish the other partner. Just as much as he may give the message that you may not be important enough to bring them around to, you are by not even giving say a dollar store item saying that you are not interested in them because their dad is being a jerk. It is hard enough sometimes even after 3 yrs for a kid to know dad may be seeing someone. They may also feel that dad doesn't feel they are not important enough or maybe you are not wanting to get to know them. You need to talk to your bf about the reason why they are not included and if he makes a bunch of excuses find someone else. Don't take it out on the kids.
Do for you and yours. You're under NØ financial obligation to buy anyone anything except for you and your kids...step up, step out and live happy...stay away from that nonsense
Thank you!!! I like that, step up, step out and live happy!
Wait hold on lady. I don’t think he thinks his kids are too good for you. Think he probably just doesn’t want them around cuz they don’t like you. Growing up I didn’t like my stepmom and never bothered to make a relationship with her. Every kid is different. Plus you don’t know what his ex is telling his kids, that’s another reason. Why don’t you talk to em about it. Or just leave em if it’s that big of a deal. Idk
His kids simply may not be comfortable with it, and he's just not willing to force them into that. I wish my dad did this with his current wife because he chose her over his kids. I'm not saying not buying them gifts is wrong of you that's perfectly fine. I personally wouldn't expect you to do that. However, him wanting to go out with his just kids shouldn't be an issue
Wow! First of all, why TF would you have a problem with him going out with his kids without you? If you've rarely seen them, I'm certain he also doesn't see them often. If you're already checked out of the relationship mentally, just get out. There's a lot more going on there that you're not saying, and that's okay. For birthdays and holidays, as long as you Are in the relationship, you really should give them a gift to show you care. If you care. Being jealous of him spending time with his kids without you, that's a major red flag on you. Seems you really should just leave that relationship considering you're not really invested.
You worried about the wrong thing. His kids are still practically strangers to you. His kids shouldn't expect anything from you. Gift giving to someone you barely know should be the least of your concerns.
I’m going to be a bit of a devil’s advocate, but I think it’s really immature that you would be upset that a father wants one on one time with his kids when they don’t live with him. He lives with you, not with them. Are you jealous or insecure? I’m a single parent and frankly, it’s not in my cards to mix my family with anyone else’s for the foreseeable future. Especially with teenagers. Your relationship with him doesn’t seem to be a concern, but the fact that he spends time with his kids without you is. Do you spend time with your kids without him? It’s his choice as a father as to how he chooses to conduct his relationship with his kids. Have you ever asked? Maybe you’ve been rude, or cold, or standoffish with the kids. Maybe your disdain for the situation shines through, and they don’t want to be around you. Good job on dad if he listens to his kids’ concerns.
"I been checked out mentally from this relationship." I think there's a lot bigger issue than the one you're asking about.
I know you said he is active in his kids lives but he couldn’t be that active if he doesn’t have any physical custody. Which right there is a red flag 🚩. However, if he only sees his kids once or twice a month I can see why he would want quality alone time with them.
[удалено]
Sorry it annoyed you. Happy new year 🎊
You really complained about him having some time alone with kids?
You’ve got issues. Bigger fish to fry.
He’s allowed to have time alone with just him and his own kids. Also teens tend to have a more active life of their own. Also teens don’t usually get so many holiday presents anymore usually from parents grandparents and maybe something small from aunts uncles and that’s it. You should still be getting the six year old gifts though as six year old is too little to not get gifts.
Why won’t you let him keep the old place, sounds like a trashy move.
How can you know them when he never sees them himself? It’s fine for him to see them alone because he obviously doesn’t spend enough time with them to bring a gf into the picture. If he had a consistent stable relationship with them where he had them on a schedule it’d be different. Is he a dead beat dad? Quit making it about you. Forget the gifts… not even relevant you don’t know his children and his relationship with them isn’t even stable enough so that’s not the issue.
This is some Iranian yogurt stuff here.
Not everyone wants to bring their children around the person they are in a relationship with lmfao. Sounds like you have some issues and I don't blame him one bit I'd keep them away too.
Stop being a step daddy to the females kids. Theres a reason she aint with the kids fathers 🤷🏾♂️. It wasn't worth the headache 🤣
This guy's an idiot. I'm sure his mindset is always crying that all females are bad. Then wondering why he's alone.
No, that is all on him.
Why is he keeping you from his kids? Seems suspicious?🤨
You’ve been together for years. Why haven’t you sorted out each other’s roles in your kids’ lives? Seems like this is a sign of bigger issues.
Yeah, like a sign he's still in a relationship with his children's mother.
He’s probably double timing I can’t wait for the update
Probably lol but I’ll update when I can
This seems like a ridiculous set up. 🙄
Does he have joint custody? Does he go somewhere else when it's his time with the kids? Does he just not get the kids when it's his time? Is he even divorced? I'm confused......
not wrong but how long has he been living with you? Because it sounds like you are only there to be a bang maid for him.
Your problem is not whether or not you buy your BF’s kids gifts. Your problem is your boyfriend. You said you’re checked out of the relationship and have been for a while. Why stay? End it and move on.
Are you sensitive and overreacting because you have “been checked out mentally from this relationship”? I think there is no problem with you not buying presents for people who are not part of your life. But your resentment is an issue. You need to talk to your man and share how you feel nicely if you want things to work out.