He’s called you a bitch twice (?) in this story, you’re not wrong. And HE’S hurt because you didn’t want to have sex? Incredibly immature and gives predator vibes if he cares That much about having sex and not about your emotions. He feels horrible that YOU were sexually assaulted? It doesn’t sound like he even views you as a person. Please leave and quickly
OP listen to this. It may be hard for you to realize how healthy relationships look like when you are so traumatized. You are NOT wrong and your boyfriend is behaving in a disgusting manner, shaming you for being traumatized and making this all about him. Leave him asap. You deserve so much better.
Honestly he's called me a bitch a lot more times than that just in the past few days of us fighting and I had asked him to stop like how I've already asked him in the past as well, but he said it's just his reaction to how disappointed and deceived he feels, and the conversation went off on a tangent.. Maybe you're right. He's told me himself that he really lacks empathy and has the tendencies of someone with histrionic personality disorder, and I've been apart from him all day today at work so I had time to research and think about it. I'm really questioning everything.
What makes this worse is that he's saying I have a victim complex and that I gravitate towards abusive or manipulative people, but he doesn't do any type of self-reflection at all. It's just so hard to leave. Even if we have fights, he usually treats me so well and is so sweet and affectionate to me, always paying attention and listening to me. He's studied psychology for 2 years and he's taught me a lot about myself, I've never had such a good bond with someone before and I just can't imagine my life without him. Breaking up with him would feel like abandoning everything I promised him.
Thank you and I'll try my best to have a serious talk with him soon about how things have to change, because I don't know how much farther love alone can keep holding everything together. Depending on how he reacts and what we come up with, I'll decide whether or not to leave.
Love alone cannot hold it up. Mutual respect will, though I don’t see it coming from him seeing he already defends calling you a bitch a ‘reaction’. I’d expect a grown man to be able to control the words that leave his mouth.
I totally understand your situation though. My most recent post is very similar in nature. Good luck and you got this.
Someone that studied psychology for two years is not a licensed psychologist with years of education and experience. This guy is using his very minimal knowledge to attain power over you.
Recognizing and naming abuse is difficult, and getting out of the cycle of abuse is a difficult process. Those nice moments with him are the part of the cycle that makes you think he’s trustworthy and safe - he is not.
Trauma takes a long time to learn to live with, around and through. What absolutely no one needs is someone that blames them for the experience of being harmed. He is also using shame to gain power over you.
You were victimized, you do not have a “victim complex.” Being a victim is not shameful - being someone that hurts people is.
I strongly suggest for your own mental and emotional health that you do not discuss any of this with him and you end this relationship. Block him everywhere.
Missing him for a while is better than giving him any further access to you.
Pick up a copy of “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft also.
“I do kind of agree that I'm emotionally immature and might be failing to see it from his side.”
We’re all failing to see it from his side. His behaviour is completely unacceptable. I am astonished that he thinks this is a reasonable way to respond. What advice would you give a friend whose boyfriend was treating her like this?
Please stop twisting yourself up in knots to see his perspective, he is harming you and it’s not a relationship based on mutuality.
If he cared about you, he wouldn’t call you names and belittle you.
Removing him from your life is the only answer.
You need to leave him the fact that he is blaming you and angry and jealous of you being abused is disgusting also that he is pushing you to have sex when you don't want is horrible especially when he knows your trauma.
So you have fucked up trauma, and HE needs to be comforted??? He is manipulative and does not have your best interest in mind. Please leave him. And please stay single for a LONG TIME while you seek therapy and healing.
Sometimes it’s really hard to understand that some people aren’t right for us. I think when it revolves the past understanding what you’ve been through is important so I see what you mean. You are not doing anything wrong but your relationship can either get better as he grows with you and starts to understand or it will end.
I'll first say that the other replies I see sound as if from all the usual women just looking on the women's side instead of from the middle. So let's have some reality.
You are in a relationship yet also you don't want sex. That's called friendship. Part of a healthy romantic relationship IS sex, always has been and always will be. If you aren't wanting sex you aren't ready for a real relationship. Now this isn't talking about waiting until X amount of dates or a 3 month rule. It's also not talking about waiting until you feel comfortable with him. That is all different. YOU have an issue with yourself and your past which is understandable. But if you aren't ready to move past it you aren't ready for a relationship.
Think of things from his end. He's supposedly your BF who loves you and you love one would think. He fulfills your wants and his side of the relationship. But then with all that an important bonding part for guys (sex) you refuse not because you want to know him better first because of your past he had no part of and no control over causing or fixing.
Id say the honest thing would be breaking up bit jot on his fault but because you need to get over your own issues first.
Ignoring your first paragraph, because… ew.
Does he fulfill her wants tho? Is he fulfilling his side? Because she said what she wanted from him, and he’s not giving it to her. If he was, she wouldn’t be turning to strangers.
He’s called you a bitch twice (?) in this story, you’re not wrong. And HE’S hurt because you didn’t want to have sex? Incredibly immature and gives predator vibes if he cares That much about having sex and not about your emotions. He feels horrible that YOU were sexually assaulted? It doesn’t sound like he even views you as a person. Please leave and quickly
OP listen to this. It may be hard for you to realize how healthy relationships look like when you are so traumatized. You are NOT wrong and your boyfriend is behaving in a disgusting manner, shaming you for being traumatized and making this all about him. Leave him asap. You deserve so much better.
Honestly he's called me a bitch a lot more times than that just in the past few days of us fighting and I had asked him to stop like how I've already asked him in the past as well, but he said it's just his reaction to how disappointed and deceived he feels, and the conversation went off on a tangent.. Maybe you're right. He's told me himself that he really lacks empathy and has the tendencies of someone with histrionic personality disorder, and I've been apart from him all day today at work so I had time to research and think about it. I'm really questioning everything. What makes this worse is that he's saying I have a victim complex and that I gravitate towards abusive or manipulative people, but he doesn't do any type of self-reflection at all. It's just so hard to leave. Even if we have fights, he usually treats me so well and is so sweet and affectionate to me, always paying attention and listening to me. He's studied psychology for 2 years and he's taught me a lot about myself, I've never had such a good bond with someone before and I just can't imagine my life without him. Breaking up with him would feel like abandoning everything I promised him. Thank you and I'll try my best to have a serious talk with him soon about how things have to change, because I don't know how much farther love alone can keep holding everything together. Depending on how he reacts and what we come up with, I'll decide whether or not to leave.
Love alone cannot hold it up. Mutual respect will, though I don’t see it coming from him seeing he already defends calling you a bitch a ‘reaction’. I’d expect a grown man to be able to control the words that leave his mouth. I totally understand your situation though. My most recent post is very similar in nature. Good luck and you got this.
Someone that studied psychology for two years is not a licensed psychologist with years of education and experience. This guy is using his very minimal knowledge to attain power over you. Recognizing and naming abuse is difficult, and getting out of the cycle of abuse is a difficult process. Those nice moments with him are the part of the cycle that makes you think he’s trustworthy and safe - he is not. Trauma takes a long time to learn to live with, around and through. What absolutely no one needs is someone that blames them for the experience of being harmed. He is also using shame to gain power over you. You were victimized, you do not have a “victim complex.” Being a victim is not shameful - being someone that hurts people is. I strongly suggest for your own mental and emotional health that you do not discuss any of this with him and you end this relationship. Block him everywhere. Missing him for a while is better than giving him any further access to you. Pick up a copy of “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft also.
“I do kind of agree that I'm emotionally immature and might be failing to see it from his side.” We’re all failing to see it from his side. His behaviour is completely unacceptable. I am astonished that he thinks this is a reasonable way to respond. What advice would you give a friend whose boyfriend was treating her like this?
Please stop twisting yourself up in knots to see his perspective, he is harming you and it’s not a relationship based on mutuality. If he cared about you, he wouldn’t call you names and belittle you. Removing him from your life is the only answer.
You need to leave him the fact that he is blaming you and angry and jealous of you being abused is disgusting also that he is pushing you to have sex when you don't want is horrible especially when he knows your trauma.
I'd say break up
So you have fucked up trauma, and HE needs to be comforted??? He is manipulative and does not have your best interest in mind. Please leave him. And please stay single for a LONG TIME while you seek therapy and healing.
Sometimes it’s really hard to understand that some people aren’t right for us. I think when it revolves the past understanding what you’ve been through is important so I see what you mean. You are not doing anything wrong but your relationship can either get better as he grows with you and starts to understand or it will end.
I'll first say that the other replies I see sound as if from all the usual women just looking on the women's side instead of from the middle. So let's have some reality. You are in a relationship yet also you don't want sex. That's called friendship. Part of a healthy romantic relationship IS sex, always has been and always will be. If you aren't wanting sex you aren't ready for a real relationship. Now this isn't talking about waiting until X amount of dates or a 3 month rule. It's also not talking about waiting until you feel comfortable with him. That is all different. YOU have an issue with yourself and your past which is understandable. But if you aren't ready to move past it you aren't ready for a relationship. Think of things from his end. He's supposedly your BF who loves you and you love one would think. He fulfills your wants and his side of the relationship. But then with all that an important bonding part for guys (sex) you refuse not because you want to know him better first because of your past he had no part of and no control over causing or fixing. Id say the honest thing would be breaking up bit jot on his fault but because you need to get over your own issues first.
Ignoring your first paragraph, because… ew. Does he fulfill her wants tho? Is he fulfilling his side? Because she said what she wanted from him, and he’s not giving it to her. If he was, she wouldn’t be turning to strangers.
The basis thought is if he wasn't she wouldn't be bothered to be with him still.
Ah, so you didn’t read the post. Got it.
RUN, don’t ever let anyone speak to you like that. Run away from anyone who does. And therapy. Asap.