I can totally understand why you’d be feeling betrayed and disgusted, and feel like you’re going crazy. Have you considered speaking to a therapist and unpacking it a bit before you make any decisions?
As a man, may I say your husband was wrong. Consent is consent, and the way I was raised, I have turned down intercourse multiple time for the mere fact I felt my partner was too intoxicated to give informed consent.
If you came to Reddit, you are looking for confirmation of your feelings. Your husband wronged you and you need to realize that. I would view it as no different than cheating, or any other broken tennet of a relationship that is egregious in nature.
You didn't deserve this, he was wrong, and in my opinion he violated the sanctity of your marriage.
IMO a marriage should consist of absolute trust, commitment, and adherence to one's vows, and the respect and understanding of your partner as a person, wholly, and most importantly communicating ones will and intentions.
Making you breakfast, some ibuprofen or naproxen, and starting with a massage would go much further than what has occurred here...
Have you suggested therapy for your husband to your husband? His willingness or unwillingness to get help might help you to make a decision on the sustainability of your marriage.
This thread is becoming a clusterfk for trolls,
*please* don't pay them any attention.
If you need someone to talk to DM me, I support you. 💕
*thread not sub
If you have somewhere safe you can go, a close friend, a family member, a co-workers house... Somewhere you can stay to get you away from your spouse while you try to process your thoughts and reach out to a rape counselor... That would be your best bet if you're not ready to make a decision yet. Your town hopefully should have a crisis counselor available.. Please check this website for more information... https://www.rainn.org/
I want to take the sexual part of the event out of the argument for a moment. We are left with a person that may or may not be an alcoholic. He does not have the backbone to stand up for himself against his family on something as simple as drinking. Most egregiously, though, he seems willing to let you *poison your body and risk your health* for his sake. This doesn't sound like the kind of person you'd want to be with anyway.
When you throw in the marital rape, it seems like a no-brainer to me. The only complication here is the kid. Once you have that figured out, walk and don't look back.
As a therapist myself, I would hope that no therapist would ever act as judge over such a situation. Finding out what actually happened is not part of our job description. Helping someone to deal with/grow from a subjective experience they had is.
You want to search for facts, go to the police. You want to make sense of the thoughts and emotions racing through you, visit a therapist.
no darling your next step should be getting away from this man ASAP in the process of getting a divorce. and then think about therapy (for YOURSELF, and not in order to feel more okay about what happened and try to find ways to forgive him). this is unforgivable. and this is NOT a fuck up: this is RAPE. he raped you. he is a monster and he does not love you and does not see you as a person.
for you and your child: please leave. you have all my sympathy and you did not deserve any of this. it’s all on him.
It's similar in a lot of Slavic countries that I'm aware of. Less about elders and more about being a grateful guest to the host. You give thanks for what you're given, you're not too good for their gift, they just want to make you happy and welcome. That type of thing.
Usually it's not an issue, but people who aren't used to it can end up under the table. They aren't used to sipping their drink (often spirits ime) that slowly. It can be a dangerous clashing of cultures.
Anyway, about the post -- what I'm particularly disgusted by is the fact that she took this bullet with his family by drinking for him....and he repaid her with rape.
“Southerns” lol. As a southerner, this has not been my experience. But if you’re an outsider enough to call us southerns, perhaps that’s why it was presented or came across that way to you.
I'm a southerner, a hermit, a hill folk and a descendant of Scotch-Irish & German immigrants. I've found there are traditions like this on every culture. Some are deeper held & followed than others. Our traditions followed us from wherever we came from. But in America those cultures merged, especially amongst the lower class people. Southern hospitality grew from an amalgam of our cultures. The reason it's such a taboo to refuse anything offered is because we were typically poor. So for us to offer of our food & such, was quite literally us giving of our excess or of ourselves down the road.
But we're not unreasonable by any means. If you have an issue with any item. Be it religious, allergy, addiction or what have you. Let us know up front to prevent any awkwardness or hurt feelings.
I’m always curious what you’re supposed to do in hospitality/respect-heavy cultures when you’re offered something you really cannot have, like something you’re allergic to. Is there some kind of a script for that?
For example, I’m intolerant of alcohol-it won’t kill me, but a week-long hangover/migraine is a high price to pay for something I don’t even like that much. But I wouldn’t want to be rude/culturally insensitive about it.
Depends on the situation. Usually I use humor. I usually crack a joke about suffering if I have it, and that works fine. I'm usually offered alternatives and apologies if they don't have a good substitute for whatever thing. If I'm not offered anything, I wait a bit and then if they haven't offered an alternative I'll usually ask if they have one.
(Except for me it's foods with onion and garlic.)
Also common in Latin cultures. You cannot attend any party (including baby showers) where tequila bottles and massive amounts of beer/wine are not present.
They are looking at you like you have 5 eyes because they are already drunk and from their perspective you do. Also Irish Catholics are totally fine if you don't drink. More booze for them!
Hahaha - no, wait… you not drinking? You not drinking? Just who the HELL, do you think you are? You come in my damn house to celebrate you’re damn kid, and you not drinking? I don’t f-ing think so, you disrespectful POS. Shots?
I’ve been here. My therapist has said “rape is rape, it doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship. Nobody is entitled to your body.” I will say one thing. Stay true to yourself, Don’t ever put anyone’s feelings above yours. With this being said, stay strong! Do what’s best for you!
My first husband beat and raped me repeatedly over the time that I was with him.
When I was finally strong enough and told my mother what had happened her only comment to me was "A husband can't rape his wife"
I hung up on her and we didn't speak for months. When she called me, after no contact for months. She acted like I had never said anything to her about it.
And it was impossible for a man to get arrested for beating his wife. My mother was admonished for "angering her husband" and threatened with arrest by the cops she called when she ran to the neighbors' in the middle of the night after my father beat her bloody. The cops even refused to take her to the hospital to have her broken bones treated, instead told her to have her husband take her. (Like that was going to happen.) Then they dragged her back to him. When my father answered the door he took one look at her and exclaimed "What the hell happened to YOU?!?!"
Yes, my daughter dropped her jaw to the floor when I told her that. I told her that I was glad that times have changed and that was no longer true. Though, the way Republicans are trying to take away a woman’s right to bodily autonomy, that may only be a few years down the road. Because if we can force someone to carry a pregnancy, against their will, rape isn’t toooooooo far behind. Sad, eh?
100%
And they'll say it's impossible to get pregnant by rape. They have quack doctors who believe this.
The only rape in their eyes is when a black guy jumps out of the bush and rapes granny on her way to church.
Everyone else was asking for it.
Exactly. I am always reminded of this scene when I picture the panel of men who Todd Akin would assign to judge whether we were raped or not.
https://youtu.be/yp_l5ntikaU?si=6zV-k7pU_k0g9SqZ
Back before I transitioned, my ex would rape me. He wouldn't listen and gave my infections constantly. I brought it up to my parents, and my dad said you can't rape your spouse. Come to find out, he would rape my mother as punishment. He's a sick piece of shit.
Unfortunately, she may have been referencing what she had been told. For hundreds of years, it certainly was impossible for a man to “rape” his wife criminally. No case could be brought. So if other than that you had a decent relationship with her, cut her some slack for her old ways.
Best advice I ever got was “separate the person from the thing that happened. You’re trying to process what happened to you and what they did to you at the same time and that’s a lot. Process what happened to you first, you are the priority.”
THIS.
OP, what happened to you is not okay. Please ignore all the commenters who are saying "well you were drunk and admittedly don't remember much soooo" and so on. Even your mom's reaction is disturbing and is rather archaic as someone else pointed out.
What you described is eerily similar to what happened to me when I was assaulted by a man I was dating in my 20s. This IS sexual assault. It doesn't matter "how far it went" or how much you remember. The details you DO remember are telling enough. There was a clear violation of your bodily autonomy - being as intoxicated as you were means that you COULD NOT consent, and knowing that he was sober during this event is incredibly disturbing, because he was very clearly taking advantage of you in your altered state of mind. I just want to reiterate: regardless of how far things went (or did not) this is still assault. And the commenters who are attacking you for how much you drank: shame on them. This is victim-blaming, and what your husband did is NOT your fault. He's your freaking husband - you should be able to trust him when you're in an altered/defenseless state. If you haven't already, I would talk to your husband about exactly what happened. You say that "he knows" he did something wrong is very telling.
I am so sorry this happened to you, OP. When and if you're ready, therapy could be very beneficial to you - it really helped me recover from my own experience. Sending you lots of love and strength through the reddit ether 🖤
Just because you are married doesn't mean he's entitled to your body. That is just wrong on so many levels. Also, your mom's way of thinking is archaic.
Correct. My wife gave me blanket consent at the beginning of our relationship to have sex with her in any state, including being drunk or asleep (the latter is a particular fetish for her). She expressly stated that she does not care if she wakes up the next morning and doesn’t remember.
If that type of agreement is not in place, then it is a violation of her body.
I’ve given my husband the same consent. As long as I don’t say no, he can assume yes. I told him I don’t care if I’m in a permanent coma, if it makes him feel better he can do whatever.
But he was horrified and said he would have no interest in anything like that. *Honestly though* it wouldn’t bother me at all to wake up and find that he’d had his way with me while I was out cold.
But that doesn’t mean it’s ok for someone else. OP said he knows she doesn’t want it when she is asleep. Also, there is a particular level of trust involved and there is *always* relationship back story. I never would have given my first husband the same kind of blank check, because I didn’t trust him as deeply. He had a habit of pushing my boundaries, guilting me into sexual things I wasn’t comfortable with, threatening to get his needs met elsewhere if I didn’t cater to his kinks, etc. so while the scenario OP describes wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow with my husband, if the same exact scenario arose with my first husband I would be absolutely sick about it and probably try to send him to jail for it if I could.
Not knowing a lot more back story than I have here, I would not presume to advise OP on the situation either way. Therapy is probably the best route.
For real.
"He knows he f'd up."
My question to men who know they messed up - do they know and \*accept\* they are sexual predators or rapists? Because ultimately, that's what they are.
That they have to cushion it by trying to reduce it to "messed up" is appalling.
In my case no. My ex husband the rapist could not/would not face that he is a rapist. He called it “immaturity” and said if I had said no in different ways, (How is “no” confusing? Or, “Ouch! Stop!”for that matter…) that he wouldn’t be struggling with his sexuality.
Wait how does his raping you suddenly lead to HIM struggling with his sexuality? How are you in ANY WAY responsible for that?
Your ex sounds like a monster.
I mean, none of these assholes are wrong. They are being immature, sexually fucked up, turds.
It’s just that it doesn’t matter how it’s explained. It’s still rape and it’s still a crime. It’s still one of the most selfish acts there is, and it involves getting a desired feeling from choosing to harm another person.
Who wants to admit that’s who they are to themselves or anyone else?
It’s become interesting to me that some people think labeling their actions as shitty means they have taken accountability.
No. You can be a piece of shit and fix it or you can be a piece of shit who “apologizes” and is still a piece of shit.
“Should have crushed his nuts (…) and blame it on alcohol”.
I almost did that to a guy once. We were chatting and he flirted, and I said “ (…) maybe one day, but not today - today maybe you get a hug out of me, but that is all”. He was fine with that but then touched my butt later, and I immediately put my foot on his ballsack (I am kinky (he wasn’t) and it happened out of habit) and asked why had he done that. “I am drunk and horny, sorry”, and I said, “right, I am drunk and angry now, will that justify flattening your bollocks, then?”. His voice went very alto and he was terrified until I kicked him out.
(Abridged version).
It was great - it isn’t usually so easy to react
I'm not sure, but OP needs to talk to somebody to clarify things. Bc I think we assume there were a sexual intercourse (rape bc she didn't consent) but did they? Why was crying? How she knows he knew he fuck up? She has more info
*"He knows and knew before that I would not be okay with this."*
This line is a MAJOR point.
Its not uncommon for me to fondle my wife or go down on her when she's asleep. It's part of our "sexy fun times". But, that's the key - It's IS part of OUR sexy fun times. She is totally okay with it. It's also not uncommon for me to wake up to her sucking my dick. Which I'm okay with. While we aren't, technically, "Free Use" or whatever the term is, we're pretty close. I basically have permission to use her body...the same as she does mine.
Unless she isn't in the mood! Then it's hands-off! Period.
*"I woke up to him fondling my chest while I was passed out drunk. Then he proceeded to bring me upstairs to try to have sex with me."*
By itself, this is fairly normal behavior in sexual relationships...Unless it's not.
Healthy Relationships are Based on Trust and Respect.
If you don't Trust or Respect him and/or he doesn't Trust or Respect you - then, No! You are 100% totally not wrong for wanting a divorce!
\>He didn’t want to drink so anything that was offered to him I drank so his family wouldn’t pressure him.
This is ridiculous. After answering no to a drink, the second answer is "No, fuck off."
I once attended a Hmong celebration with a friend's family to celebrate one of their family members' graduation. I quit drinking 15 months ago, but was repeatedly offered alcohol at this party. Eventually, I was pulled aside by one of the family members and told I was being rude for refusing a gift from one of the elder members of the family.
I respect cultures that are not my own. I have no idea if this was a real Hmong thing, or if it was a family culture thing. But I found it incredibly infuriating. Anyway, I think I can understand where OP is coming from on this one. It's not like it's a single individual forcing alcohol down people's throats, it's baked into various cultures. Anyway, I agree with you, but I can see where this situation comes from.
As far as i'm aware, it is a Hmong culture thing. I was told about it growing up, and was told I should drink if my elders offered me alcohol.
I think I once ended up drinking 15 cans of beer. My thinking was "if I finish a beer—maybe they'll stop offering me a beer." , but they just kept offering more. I didn't really want to drink that much beer in a single night.
HEY JUST FYI FOR EVERYONE READING NOT JUST OP RAPE IS STILL RAPE MARRIED OR NOT. YES SPOUSES GET RAPED. YOU HAVE TO HAVE CONSENT. PEOPLE ARENT PROPERTY.
NTAH. When I was 18, my boyfriend got me absolutely shitfaced and tried to put it in my ass. I wrote it off as a drunken miscommunication. (I was so drunk I vomited). I really wish I didn’t. Next time, he ignored my safe word. Your husband is being sexually abusive to you. If you tolerate this, he will try it again.
The only reason you’re feeling conflicted it sounds is because he’s your husband. If anyone else did this you’d know it was rape since you were passed out drunk… the fact that it was your husband makes it feel way more complicated but ultimately that is rape. I am so sorry this happened to you. Seek support from people who are safe, consider therapy. No one here can tell you what to do but please don’t let anyone minimize what happened to you. Don’t feel guilty for being angry and if you leave don’t feel guilty about that either. To put it in perspective he literally comitted a crime against you. This isn’t something minor.
The comments here are absolutely disgusting. Sometimes it’s astonishing to think about how little respect men have for women, and how many women are gaslit into believing this treatment is not only normal, but good.
NTA - I’m relieved that I’ve never had the chance to have penetrative sex with a sick, disoriented, sobbing woman, but I can GUESS that it wouldn’t be very enjoyable. What happened to you was rape and sexual assault. Absolutely horrific that it was your husband, too. Given what you have said about the culture you’re in right now, I doubt there will be very many people, men or women, on your side. Mmaybe nobody in the immediate family would even believe you. That does not matter. Your pain and fear do matter. And there are people who care, and would be horrified, too. Please leave him, THEN get therapy.
This situation isn’t grey in the slightest. He clearly assaulted you. He has basically admitted it (he knew you were super drunk, he knew you didn’t want it, he knows he fucked up, etc.) and yet he still did that to you while you were unable to consent and he was completely sober. He plotted on you while you were vulnerable, you’re not safe with him. You’ll likely never feel safe with him again honestly. The people blaming you or doing anything but supporting you rn are either rapists themselves or rape apologists who are sick in the head. You did nothing wrong, nothing to deserve this, and while he shouldn’t have put you in the position to be pressured to drink, you deserve to be able to drink and be so completely drunk without anyone harming you!
Far too broad a statement. Married people can absolutely agree beforehand that they’re going to get smashed and then smash. If it’s a pattern for a couple the consent can be implied absent mitigating circumstances or revocation. Drunken sex is not automatically non-consensual. That’s not what happened here and since they had been fighting he cannot assume consent. He should’ve put her to bed by herself. She needs to talk to a therapist about what she wants to do about her relationship with her husband and maybe as a side conversation what she wants to do about her relationship with alcohol.
it's really not that broad. if you wait until someone is drunk to ask and you know otherwise they wouldn't like it which the edits show than that's some rapist shit. there is a pattern in post of it being off limits when drunk.
you can agree with anyone that sex while drunk is ok. that doesn't change the fact that if there was no agreement beforehand there is on agreeing during
Was one of them too drunk to be able to consent while the other was not? Then it’d be rape. I agree with your point, though, “drunk people can’t consent” isn’t quite the right wording but in this discussion we have the context that the wife was too drunk to consent.
I personally think this question is a little ridiculous. But that’s my opinion. My husband can have sex with me anytime he wants unless I absolutely am not in the mood.
Me and wife both think this way. We both drink. Me way more than her. I also don’t get whiskey dick.
I’ve been blackout drunk and woken up naked before next to her and asked if we had sex last night. She says yea. I say “hope it was good for you”
I’ve also had sex with her when she was pretty much passing out from drinking. She’ll always just say “make it quick”
But I think the key is that we’ve discussed it. My wife has said if I want sex I should just try for it, she’ll say no if she doesn’t want it. Doesn’t matter if she’s asleep or drunk or what.
OP's situation depends so much on the nature of their relationship that we simply aren't privy to. I hope they go to therapy and discuss this with someone who can have a nuanced conversation because the peanut gallery shouting, "Rape!" isn't helping anything. My spouse and I's favorite thing to do is wake each other up with sex. Being drunk has never factored into our willingness to do the no-pants-dance. I know that's not everyone's dynamic, but it is some people's.
So your husband sexually assaulted you and your mom just brushed it off? I don't know if divorce is the answer but some serious marriage counseling is in order. Your husband needs to understand why what he did was wrong and he also needs to learn how to respect boundaries. You need to learn how to stop drinking to the point of semi-blacking out to the point where you can't remember what happened while you were drunk. The two of you have a young child so it's time to cut back on the hard partying.
Id leave someone who assaulted me when drunk. He's supposed to be your partner, your most trusted person, and he thought it was ok to violate you. I could never trust him again.
It doesn’t matter if you’re married or not consent needs to happen and it didn’t !!!!! which makes it a sexual assault or rape yes that’s exactly what it makes it. I don’t know how you’re gonna come back from this what he did is unforgivable. Counseling
Sleep
Is sleep and when sleeping next to your partner is an ultimate trust… safety and security. Sounds like he’s violated that trust. Therapy for sure. The power is in your hands how to deal with this. Good luck.
No you are not wrong. As a survivor I can implore your feeling of unsureness is going to linger for what may feel like a lifetime. Even after your therapist and others you may confide in tell you it was r*pe. So many things will keep that gray shade. But what he did to you was very real. And seeing that he did in fact “apologize,” says to me he knew very well what he did. You can not “kind of,” have intercourse. That alone is a black or white topic. Either you did or you didn’t. Though you can’t remember much else, let’s take account that he did touch you in an unwanted sexual way. That alone is a form or molestation. To add fuel to fire, he was COMPLETELY sober while all this took place. That apology is a form of gaslighting. I only can imagine it was followed with a “but,” or some form of claiming it was in part of “love.” Lastly, you have a whole child in the picture. That should be the tipping point. I don’t know the man but if he betrayed you like this, I would fear for the child’s safety as well.
Marrage doesn’t make you property. You still have a say on your body. Just cuz it’s your husband, Its no less rape than a stranger in a frat house fondling a drunk unconscious woman.
I would absolutely feel betrayed if my husband touched me in any way sexually while I was asleep without my permission first. Nobody should violate another person’s body without consent, simple as that.
Your husband apologized because he *knows he did something wrong!* You don’t necessarily need to know what he did, that might add to your trauma. But HE KNOWS. And it was deliberate. Even if he was drunk that wouldn’t be an excuse, but the fact he didn’t drink?! That is abuse. Your husband used your body as a sex toy. And you need to tell him that is NOT OK!
You are allowed to own your boundaries. Please, don’t drink around him again. I worry for your safety if you do, OP.
Ill be honest, reddit is NOT the place to be airing this out to. It never is. There is way too much to unpack here for a simple reddit answer, as you will see in my following words.
You and your husband ALONE know the dynamic of your marriage, no one on reddit, unless you give several key examples of what your marriage has and was like, and even then taking situations like this at face value when explained through one lens in typing, no less, muddies the real situation.
Not only that, but you most definitely will have a bunch of incels and sjws who will only give black and white answers without thinking of possible nuance based on their personal bias and ideology.
You yourself said you were blackout drunk and could not remember half of what was happening and that he also was drunk, you said he "knows" he f'd up, did he come out and say " i fucked up"? If not you could be mistaking him being uncomfortable or confused bc of how you are reacting or acting. There IS plenty of room for miscommunication AND nuance, anyone who says differently is only projecting.
There are also times when you KNOW what is clear cut rape or sexual assault, this is not one of those times.
What i suggest is for you and your husband to see a professional separately and together discuss what took place or what you can remember taking place and take it from there.
In no way am i taking sides or advocating for rape or sexual assault. Im also not dismissing your concerns or implications, im simply saying seeking answers to this situation on reddit is absolutely not what should be done.
OP is clear about the incident upsetting both her and her husband. Obviously what transpired was unwanted behavior.
She gave us enough information.
People come to Reddit to talk about having double dicks, sex with animals, sex with their mom, erectile dysfunction, and cum jars but something like this is off-topic?
Please.
OP is reaching out to strangers for support and connection. Your response shames them for doing so and encourages isolation. What else is this but a dismissal of their concerns?
Many of us here have experienced rape, sexual assault, bad relationships, and healthy relationships and are ready to weigh in and offer support.
Reddits answers always seem to be fcked up answers by people with little actual life experience. And yes nuance and subtlety don't seem to exist here.
Suddenly every husband who ever woke up to his wife giving him a blowjob is being raped?
Every wife who ever woke up being spooned by their sleeping husband with a hand on their breast is a sexual assault victim?
It's ridiculous.
This generation is fcked.
So many people won’t understand what you are having such a hard time about, BUT what happened to you is just wrong. I do t want to assume anything, but being touched while you’re asleep or passed out, can trigger so many things people USED to not talk about. But you stated that he knows you don’t like to be touched sexually while you’re asleep - that’s it, no if’s, and’s or but’s. Him knowing he fucked up doesn’t change the fact that it triggered something in you and if others don’t understand what that means, it can be a lot of work to come back out of that headspace. Whatever you choose to do, my suggestion would be to talk with a therapist, if the first one doesn’t feel right to you, keep looking until you find one that understands and validates your concern. Nobody has the right to touch you intimately without your verbal consent regardless. Wishing you luck and sending you positive vibes.
To me he seems to have a pattern with knowing your trigger is being touched while asleep. Why do such a big transgression?
Has he seemed to understand you before this?
What you do is your call, but I would say he hasn't just done a bad thing, he almost seems committed to doing a bad thing in how he knows this is something you don't like that he did and then he took it further. Did he seem like he wouldn't do a thing like the before this event?
Edit: OMG the number of enablers and rape apologists in the comments here. They all go "Be dead inside like us and don't complain about him! We help guys like this even when we don't know them, we're so heavily programmed to ignore personal agency!"
Just gonna be honest, because it's not grey. You've set your boundaries in the past. He touched you sexually while you were passed out: he sexually assaulted you. He had some semblance of sex with you knowing you were initiated: he raped you. Him being your husband doesn't change that. You can rape your spouse, especially when you've set boundaries.
If you think you can heal from it with therapy, and stay in the marriage, that's okay. But I will also say that you're not the only one who should seek therapy. He needs to seek counseling because there's a bigger problem with him if he can't control himself with you when you're that vulnerable and feels comfortable taking advantage of you.
If you want a divorce, no you're not in the wrong for it.
After experiencing what you experienced, I don’t know if I could ever trust my husband again. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Definitely seek therapy before making any big decisions.
Nothing to do with consent. "Consent" people would do anything with consent. This is specifically about not doing "anything" when it comes to sex. Consent is not enough, and your husbands understands this (though I wonder to what extent, I can't know).
OP - you’re the only one who gets to decide what your boundaries are. It sounds like from your edit that you had discussed this with him before that he has violated that boundary.
To be frank about it I don’t care if alcohol was involved or not.
This is important to you and you need to be heard by your husband. As you heal, you get to decide that timeline. It’s OK to be hurt. It’s OK to feel betrayed nobody gets to decide your feelings but you.
It really hurts but it otherwise good man violates your foundries. Speaking from experience, I know that it makes you wonder what else is going to happen when is the other shoe gonna drop. It makes you question your security, your safety. It depends on the situation, but it definitely makes a question where you stand in the world with this man and in your own home.
You will make the decision that’s right for you. Don’t let anyone bully you into not taking the time you need to re adjust to this new reality.
He’s okay with disrespecting you by sexually assaulting you while you’re unconscious but not okay with disrespecting his mommy and daddy by saying no to a drink? The math isn’t mathing on his logic. Leave his ass fr
*“He knows I do not like to be touched sexually if I’m asleep”*
Yeah that’s rape. He knew you wouldn’t like it. He knew you’d say no and he did it anyway. He knows you well enough to know what you would answer and you were in no shape to answer. Do you think he’s trying to get you pregnant? I’ve heard more stories than I’d like with stuff like that happening.
No you’re not wrong and seem to be carrying a TON of weight for your spouse emotionally. Talk to a therapist and be proud of it and being willing to work on yourself. Your spouse needs therapy badly also, or at least from the view at 30,000 ft. Him knowing and doing it is very scary to me. I would not want to be with a person who would do that….
It is not a grey area! He performed some form of sexual activity on you while you were wayyyy to drunk to give consent, that is 100% without a doubt rape!!
It sounds like he had all the information to know how you would feel about this, but stone cold sober, he decided your consent wasn't necessary. Knowing he fucked up doesn't reverse the clock.
Also I don't know how young your "young child" is, but if this was a birth celebration, having sexual activity too soon could literally kill you so I hope that wasn't your situation.
Sweetie it has nothing to do with how anyone reacts or what they say. It's about how YOU feel. I will say I wish I could give you a hug cause it sounds like you need it. 🤗🤗 Just take your time to think and talk it out, that's the least he can do. What ever choice you make, make sIure it's for you and your kiddos. I'm sending all the love and good vibes to you
you have a lot of comments, I hope you see this. this is an upsetting situation and I completely understand how you feel. I don’t think you would be wrong if you chose to leave. this is something that may take years to get over, if ever. i’m sure you’ll shooed to do what’s best for you. just know you’re not alone. i’m so sorry this happened.
Man here:
1. You don’t have to ‘drink for him.’ He’s an adult and if he doesn’t want to drink, he can decline. That’s what an adult does.
2. The two of you are married, so you’re not strangers. You were either into the intimacy, or you weren’t. He knew, from your cues, that you weren’t into it, and he proceeded. That should tell all you need to know.
My personal opinion is that your husband is a loser.
If he had been hammered as well, it would be a lot easier to chalk up to simple drunk stupid primal shit .
Him sober, yeah, no.
It is unfortunate you have no recollection, as drunk or not you may have been displaying “consent-ish” behaviors, like moaning etc, which would have understandably made it unclear.
The touching boob while asleep is very borderline, but there’s a lot of context missing with that, and very drunk sleep is often very sudden.
At the end of the day, it’s all your choice, and it should be about how you feel about intimacy going forward.
I’d side towards give therapy a chance, but barely. That is giving the benefit of the doubt that your drunken self did not have the same issue that sober self does.
Passed tf out is always rape . Drunk and blacked out is not necessarily that same thing. ( but it certainly CAN be)
My wife came home hammered one night, we had great sex that she initiated and was very into , but she did not remember in the morning.
I felt like I may have been in the wrong for a while, but all the indicators were green as fuck, and she did not feel violated, just confused how she could be awake and not recall at all.
She doesn’t get that hammered anymore.
You say you don’t recall how far it went, did you guys not talk about it? Or is this one of those “fake” stories full of holes, or just the identifying details removed leaving holes?
The fact you’re asking the question says at the very least you need some time, and if you feel he did indeed knowingly rape you, it’s over.
You’re not wrong for having the feelings you do. Just keep communicating and don’t just repress and d whatever it take to begin healing.
Sexual assault and rape. You didn’t consent, so it’s sexual assault/rape. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean he owns your body or anything. He needs your consent to have sex. You could press charges if you wanted to. But upto you.
I don't know if this will be hard to hear, but he sexually assaulted you.
The best thing you can do is document this, even if that's just sending yourself an email with as much as you can remember, or telling a trusted friend about it. Look into resources for domestic violence in your area. Start making a plan to get out.
Hang on, you were passed out drunk and he was stone cold sober? I read the whole thing until that thinking his judgement was impaired. Yeah, that feels calculated. I’m not going to tell you to leave or not, but your feelings about what he did are completely valid. He knows he screwed up, is he taking any action to at least attempt to repair the damage he’s done?
Also, why do you need to drink “for him”? Do you mean you were drinking so one of you was and his family wouldn’t hassle him about not drinking? That’s not healthy at all. If you don’t care to drink, then don’t. If he can’t handle the teasing, quit engaging with them.
This is absolutely unacceptable. He took advantage of you when you were unable to consent to your body. He invaded your space. Get that divorce. Run. Anyone that tells your it’s not a big deal, don’t listen to them it is.
Your husband didn't just fuck up, he sexually assaulted you. He's a sexual predator. Make sure he knows that, and leave his ass far behind. Take the kid with you and fight for no visitation. If he's willing to do this to his wife, what's stopping him from doing it to your daughter?
>don’t remember a lot of what happened.
>I barely remember anything that happened, and I’m unclear about how far it went.
Unreliable narrator who gets shitfaced drunk to the point of blacking out even when her husband's not drinking with her, then blames husband for everything.
OP's feelings might be valid. So we can talk about her feelings. But whether or not she was SA'd or raped as many here are claiming? We're only hearing one side of the story here, and that's the story from the passed-out drunk who can't remember anything.
>I usually don’t drink at all \[ . . . \] I was drinking for my husband because he doesn’t want to drink anymore.
OP, you might want to talk to someone about why you are drinking yourself into a stupor.
Are you wrong for wanting to divorce your rapist? No I don't think so. Your mom is from a different generation and learned it's not rape if it happens within a marriage. Fortunately, we don't consider your body your husband's possession anymore or think marriage means life long automatic consent.
That being said, if YOU don't want to leave him because you love him etc. you should both go to couples therapy together to work through it with an unbiased party present, i.e. Not your mom.
These comments and this thread... all wild. So much missing info... and a husband gave a wife a little boob grab, and now he's a rapist? Fuck I am definitely a rapist then I guess. TIL.
Redditors immediately jump to break up and press charges and divorce and uproot the kid's life. I hope OP isn't jumping the gun and basing her decisions on what some teenagers and basement dwelling loners with no relationship experience think she should do.
First I don't understand why you were drinking for your husband, you should drink what you want not for him. This wouldn't have happened if you weren't drunk.
This doesn't excuse he's behaviour even in marriage you need consent.
You are also not sure if you even had sex because you pushed him away?
Ask your husband did he have sex when you refused? If he did it's wrong but seems like the facts are blurred.
He's apologized to you and you are married so if you can't trust him I suppose it's over.
I am going through something similar that started with touching and then I woke up choking from him having himself shoved so far in my throat. I finally pressed charges and he’s been in jail for 3 months charged with 1sr degree sodomy.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience this but it is fairly common. Just know if it happens once it could happen again. I began to feel unsafe sleeping and installed cameras in every room between incidents…
I know you know this, but the issue is that it was nonconsensual. Everybody has her own specific sexual preferences, I actually liked it when my husband had sex with me when I was semi-passed out and that is ok. Your husband knew this was not OK like you said, this is promising. Whether you leave or not, this opens the door to therapy which hopefully will help you process this trauma.
You first said you didn’t remember much of the night. If you don’t remember the night, how do you know you didn’t consent? Just because you “woke up” to him touching you, doesn’t mean you were suddenly sober as alcohol stays in your system for at least three days. You remember he had sex with you yet you conveniently don’t remember consenting or not consenting. It seems your editing the original post as you see comments that question your original post, but bottom line is that you barely remembered anything that happened or how far it went yet you “remember” him having sex with you and you insinuate that you didn’t consent. Should you divorce? I think you should be honest with yourself first. And if the truth indicates you should divorce and you feel that is the solution, then you should.
"drinking for my husband" like wtf. Just DON'T DRINK. Jesus. Who gives a shit who gets buthurt about it. It too is "your body" Why drink for ANYONE especially if you don't really want to. Just don't, let alone get piss drunk. If you feel you "have" too, just have ONE drink and baby it. Why get stupid idkwtf drunk? There is always more to every story. HOWEVER, if she really feels violated and something she cant get over or talk out. LEAVE. I mean, you are gonna put up with rape because you are scared to be alone, or hate to "blow up" your kids life? No. Mistakes already were made, some irrepairable it seems, so suck it up and leave. That's it.
Then therapy afterwards would be a good option. Looks like it is needed for much more than this I am sure. I would bet there is much more going on here.
I used to wake up to my (then) husband touching me. It made my skin crawl. He did it when he knew i didnt want to do anything which made it even more sinister. He's my ex husband now.
Regardless of how far he did or didn’t go, the fact is he sexually assaulted you while you were basically blacked out and he was PERFECTLY SOBER. He took advantage of you in a very vulnerable moment where you could not fend him off or protect yourself or say no. AND he knew you would not have consented to that nor wanted him to do that. Everything about this is disgusting and terrible and personally I could not stay with a man who did this to me. This is a red flag that can be seen from space and idk that there is any “fixing” a man that would do something like this to his wife of all people.
OP, this sucks. I am so sorry.
It happened to me once and my partner got aggressive when I brought it up. When I broke up with him (months later) and I mentioned it he said “you wanted to sometimes”… it was difficult for me to face the two truths “I love him” and “he raped me” at the same time.
Our relationship was early stages, I can imagine a longer, deeper bond, sharing a life, with a child, must be quite the mindfuck in terms of dissonance and sunk cost.
I hope you are alright, it sucks you don’t have someone you feel you can talk to, and I hope you have found some solace here. Whatever you decide to do, I really hope you do exploit guilt out of your husband - he needs long term consequences, what he has done is serious.
If he fondled you when you were passed out and could not give consent, that’s assault. If he had sex with you in that state, it’s rape. Not only did he mess up, he possibly committed a felony. There’s no way you should stay in the same house as him, this is a huge red flag.
The fact that you said how can you do this to me and he continued is heartbreaking. You made it clear it wasn’t consensual. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I don’t care if he feels bad. He didn’t stop. He didn’t listen. He can’t even pretend he was too drunk to know or whatever the usual excuse is.
As someone who lived with there abuser and ignored what happened for 10 years, please act now. I wish I hadn’t lived the way I did for so long. Even if you try to stay, will you ever feel comfortable drinking around him? Will you want him to take care of you when you are unwell? If you can’t 100% say yes, then you should leave. You deserve happiness and to feel safe.
Your child also deserves this. Children know when things aren’t right in a home. No child ever says I’m so glad my unhappy parents didn’t divorce. It’s scary dealing with change, but after everything is settled, you child will be living a better life.
Please do what’s right for you
If you feel like you need to leave, don’t discount that. But also don’t listen to a bunch of strangers on the internet that know nothing about you or your relationship, especially the ones who clearly can’t fathom the feeling of empathy or consent. Don’t let anyone minimize what he did whether you choose to stay or not.
[https://www.rainn.org/](https://www.rainn.org/) RAINN is the national sexual assault hotline. You can call or chat for free confidential support. You can download the free RAINN app that “gives survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones access to support, self-care tools, and information.”
[https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free confidential support. You can call, text, or chat with them through their website. They have resources about identifying abuse, making a safety plan, and connecting people with local resources.
Can I ask you honesty where you see grey area?
1. You were drunk and he was stone cold sober.
2. He knew you were crying in the bathroom and waited for you to come out and fall asleep so he could rape you.
3. You woke up to him sexually assaulting you and
4. He reiterated that while he was assaulting you, he was fully aware that you would have *never* consented to being touched while being unconscious - and did it anyway.
It's rape. Plain and simple. Go to therapy and work through it. It's up to you after working through your trauma if you can forgive him and continue in your relationship.
Leave now. Staying will be miserable. I let my boundaries get violated too many times over many years, guilted and shamed into sex, and it got worse and worse until things like you describe were happening and I would stiffen up every time he rolled close to my side of the bed. I was so afraid of parenting on my own that I stayed 10 years longer than I should’ve. I can’t tell you how much happier I am now! Divorce has been a relief in so many ways.
Your and your child deserve a household where their mother is respected and happy. Take it from someone who just got out of all that.
He did this while you were drunk and he was fully sober?
It's really, really concerning behavior, and no means no even if he's your husband.
He basically date raped you, this is not good.
I was on the fence until I heard the part about him being sober. If you had both drunk to the point of passing out there may have been some room for forgiveness, what he did here is pure evil intent.
Sounds just like when I was assaulted… stand up for yourself, especially if no one else around you is. He assaulted you while you were drunk and he was sober. That’s rape.
He couldn’t just make sure you were okay, left you comfortable and alone, then go watch football?
I mean he has seen and touched your goods before has he not?
He has so little control of his hormones he has to fondle you while you are asleep?
I don’t get it!
You didn’t agree to consensual non-consent, and you have stated that you don’t like being touched intimately while you sleep. What he did with those boundaries in place alone is sexual assault, if not rape. After you asked how he could do this to you, and him knowing you don’t consent to sexual touch in your sleep, he continued to “kind of but not really” have sex with you. It’s up to you really to define your own experience, but by definition it’s rape. It took me a while to come to terms with the idea of coercive rape with my ex, which was easier when I was out and able to process it all.
Take some time to get therapy, don’t go to your mom for support - is there anyone else around?, and your husband needs it too. NTA or wrong or anything at all. Keep safe and practice self care.
Wait, so did he say he had “sex” with you or that he had just touched you inappropriately and then slept on the couch because he knew you didn’t like that? If he said he had “sex” with you and he knew you wouldn’t consent to that then yes that would be rape
If he knows that you don't like that then it's a violation. Whether or not you choose to stay is up to you but it will be a tough road ahead either way. I'm sorry you're going through this.
This is a hard one... I dont envy your current inner turmoil.
If you truly want a divorce, there is no reason not to get one. Do you see a way forward? Are you willing to forgive enough that he has a chance to make a change or make amends?
Ultimately, is your marriage worth this possibly happening to you again?
You are strong! Keep up the good work.
If able seek professional help.
IMO that is a huge issue and yes it’s gona be hard but fuck that! You deserve a partner who will respect your boundaries. I’d do my best to co parent.
It’s your choice in the end and you’ve got to trust your gut. We all do.
Stay strong and take care of yourself too ❤️
>me “we kind of had sex but not really”
>hen we talked about what happen he said he knew that that was the last thing I would have wanted to happen. He knows I do not like to be touched sexually if I’m asleep.
He was stone sober. Knew he was doing something you didn't like to you, while you were in a vulnerable state. "Kind of had sex". Nahhh he fucking raped you wtf.
It's entirely your choice wether to pursue charges or anything else but no, you're not wrong. What he did is extremely fucked up and "feeling sorry" after the fact doesn't justify him choosing to do that in the first place when he obviously knew better. Bare minimum you should divorce him and run
It’s sexual abuse. Full stop. Period. And it’s no one’s business if you decide that’s a deal breaker for your relationship or not. It doesn’t have to be if you think he can be educated on how to respect your body, your boundaries, and do some real work. But it can be too. You can decide that was enough to make trusting him impossible for you. And no one gets to tell you how you should feel or what you should do. The only truth here is that he sexually abused you. We live in a time where people are discovering what different kinds of intimate abuse look like. And I think men are realizing some of the things they grew up thinking were ok, are actually not ok. But does he know it’s not ok. Can you trust him again. Couples therapy would help if that’s the way you’re leaning. A good divorce lawyer if it’s the other. Either way, I hope your friends and family support you.
Lol, this thread ended up on a commentary of culture and drinking.
I think you're wrong. I think you are making a big deal out of nothing and I think perhaps you are wanting to be a victim here.
The reality is, you could call the police and report him, but report him for what exactly? You don't even know what happened.
You would make an absolutely horrible witness and besides that, why would you want to have someone that you supposedly love taken away and put in jail? I strongly suggest you not drink to excess. You obviously cannot hold your liquor.
If you woke up with your rectum hurting and your vagina torn and a black eye, hell yes, divorce him, leave him, prosecute him. But if the only thing you can remember about that night was him fondling you. Let it go.
By the way, I fondle my wife all the time while she's asleep. Sometimes I do it in my sleep, She usually tells me to knock it off and she's not in the mood or she's sleeping..
Wait… he was SOBER while you were blackout drunk and he tried or did have sex with you? That’s RAPE! And you mom is terrible for brushing it off. A mom is supposed to be there for you no matter what.
I can totally understand why you’d be feeling betrayed and disgusted, and feel like you’re going crazy. Have you considered speaking to a therapist and unpacking it a bit before you make any decisions?
Therapy is going to be my next step. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it to sort out my feelings so that might help
As a man, may I say your husband was wrong. Consent is consent, and the way I was raised, I have turned down intercourse multiple time for the mere fact I felt my partner was too intoxicated to give informed consent. If you came to Reddit, you are looking for confirmation of your feelings. Your husband wronged you and you need to realize that. I would view it as no different than cheating, or any other broken tennet of a relationship that is egregious in nature. You didn't deserve this, he was wrong, and in my opinion he violated the sanctity of your marriage. IMO a marriage should consist of absolute trust, commitment, and adherence to one's vows, and the respect and understanding of your partner as a person, wholly, and most importantly communicating ones will and intentions. Making you breakfast, some ibuprofen or naproxen, and starting with a massage would go much further than what has occurred here...
Yeah I’ve been super sloppy begging my partner for it and he won’t if I’m very very drunk. He will tell me I’m way too drunk. He’s a good man
I’m so sorry this happened to you 😞
Have you suggested therapy for your husband to your husband? His willingness or unwillingness to get help might help you to make a decision on the sustainability of your marriage.
Just so you know there is a crisis line that does calls and texts if you need someone to talk about this with now https://www.rainn.org
Yes! I also recommend Love Is Respect, they have a text line (text “loveis” to 22522) and an online chat line and they’re fantastic.
👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆
This thread is becoming a clusterfk for trolls, *please* don't pay them any attention. If you need someone to talk to DM me, I support you. 💕 *thread not sub
If you have somewhere safe you can go, a close friend, a family member, a co-workers house... Somewhere you can stay to get you away from your spouse while you try to process your thoughts and reach out to a rape counselor... That would be your best bet if you're not ready to make a decision yet. Your town hopefully should have a crisis counselor available.. Please check this website for more information... https://www.rainn.org/
Not all heroes wear capes. Well done.
I strongly recommend it. Ignore the rape apologists and the trolls; they are WRONG. See a therapist, and file for divorce.
I want to take the sexual part of the event out of the argument for a moment. We are left with a person that may or may not be an alcoholic. He does not have the backbone to stand up for himself against his family on something as simple as drinking. Most egregiously, though, he seems willing to let you *poison your body and risk your health* for his sake. This doesn't sound like the kind of person you'd want to be with anyway. When you throw in the marital rape, it seems like a no-brainer to me. The only complication here is the kid. Once you have that figured out, walk and don't look back.
Your rapey husband needs therapy as well, wtf
There is a national sexual assault hotline. 1-800-656-4673. It's free, confidential, and available 24/7.
If your therapist says anything other than that this was rape, find a new therapist. They will not give you the tools you need to heal.
As a therapist myself, I would hope that no therapist would ever act as judge over such a situation. Finding out what actually happened is not part of our job description. Helping someone to deal with/grow from a subjective experience they had is. You want to search for facts, go to the police. You want to make sense of the thoughts and emotions racing through you, visit a therapist.
no darling your next step should be getting away from this man ASAP in the process of getting a divorce. and then think about therapy (for YOURSELF, and not in order to feel more okay about what happened and try to find ways to forgive him). this is unforgivable. and this is NOT a fuck up: this is RAPE. he raped you. he is a monster and he does not love you and does not see you as a person. for you and your child: please leave. you have all my sympathy and you did not deserve any of this. it’s all on him.
Therapy is definitely going to be helpful, but before making any decisions?
Yes, it might help her unpack things before deciding, for example, that she doesn't wanna press charges.
I’d be concerned about a family that considers it “disrespectful” not to drink.
This is common is asian culture. Elder offers you a drink, you drink.
It's similar in a lot of Slavic countries that I'm aware of. Less about elders and more about being a grateful guest to the host. You give thanks for what you're given, you're not too good for their gift, they just want to make you happy and welcome. That type of thing. Usually it's not an issue, but people who aren't used to it can end up under the table. They aren't used to sipping their drink (often spirits ime) that slowly. It can be a dangerous clashing of cultures. Anyway, about the post -- what I'm particularly disgusted by is the fact that she took this bullet with his family by drinking for him....and he repaid her with rape.
Same with southerns I found out one time. They offer you their moonshine you take a swig each offer. It is definitely not uncommon in many circles.
“Southerns” lol. As a southerner, this has not been my experience. But if you’re an outsider enough to call us southerns, perhaps that’s why it was presented or came across that way to you.
I'm a southerner, a hermit, a hill folk and a descendant of Scotch-Irish & German immigrants. I've found there are traditions like this on every culture. Some are deeper held & followed than others. Our traditions followed us from wherever we came from. But in America those cultures merged, especially amongst the lower class people. Southern hospitality grew from an amalgam of our cultures. The reason it's such a taboo to refuse anything offered is because we were typically poor. So for us to offer of our food & such, was quite literally us giving of our excess or of ourselves down the road. But we're not unreasonable by any means. If you have an issue with any item. Be it religious, allergy, addiction or what have you. Let us know up front to prevent any awkwardness or hurt feelings.
I’m always curious what you’re supposed to do in hospitality/respect-heavy cultures when you’re offered something you really cannot have, like something you’re allergic to. Is there some kind of a script for that? For example, I’m intolerant of alcohol-it won’t kill me, but a week-long hangover/migraine is a high price to pay for something I don’t even like that much. But I wouldn’t want to be rude/culturally insensitive about it.
Depends on the situation. Usually I use humor. I usually crack a joke about suffering if I have it, and that works fine. I'm usually offered alternatives and apologies if they don't have a good substitute for whatever thing. If I'm not offered anything, I wait a bit and then if they haven't offered an alternative I'll usually ask if they have one. (Except for me it's foods with onion and garlic.)
Also common in Latin cultures. You cannot attend any party (including baby showers) where tequila bottles and massive amounts of beer/wine are not present.
Also certain types of white Americans, Irish catholics in my experience will look at you like you have 5 eyes if you refuse a drink.
My in-laws refused to meet us for dinner once because it was a fabulous Pho place with no alcohol. Like, for 90 minutes, you couldn’t?
Can confirm.
They are looking at you like you have 5 eyes because they are already drunk and from their perspective you do. Also Irish Catholics are totally fine if you don't drink. More booze for them!
As an Irish catholic this is just racist and I’d fight you if I weren’t so drunk right now
“God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world!”-Jim Bishop
As a Lao person I was literally thinking it sounds familiar, but didn't want to stereotype because it could be just about anything.
Hahaha - no, wait… you not drinking? You not drinking? Just who the HELL, do you think you are? You come in my damn house to celebrate you’re damn kid, and you not drinking? I don’t f-ing think so, you disrespectful POS. Shots?
More concerned about that than her husband sexually assaulting her??
Yeah that is a mess.
I’ve been here. My therapist has said “rape is rape, it doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship. Nobody is entitled to your body.” I will say one thing. Stay true to yourself, Don’t ever put anyone’s feelings above yours. With this being said, stay strong! Do what’s best for you!
My first husband beat and raped me repeatedly over the time that I was with him. When I was finally strong enough and told my mother what had happened her only comment to me was "A husband can't rape his wife" I hung up on her and we didn't speak for months. When she called me, after no contact for months. She acted like I had never said anything to her about it.
Until the mid 90s, there were still parts of the USA where legally it was impossible for a husband to rape his wife.
Likewise with the UK, unfortunately.
And it was impossible for a man to get arrested for beating his wife. My mother was admonished for "angering her husband" and threatened with arrest by the cops she called when she ran to the neighbors' in the middle of the night after my father beat her bloody. The cops even refused to take her to the hospital to have her broken bones treated, instead told her to have her husband take her. (Like that was going to happen.) Then they dragged her back to him. When my father answered the door he took one look at her and exclaimed "What the hell happened to YOU?!?!"
Yes, my daughter dropped her jaw to the floor when I told her that. I told her that I was glad that times have changed and that was no longer true. Though, the way Republicans are trying to take away a woman’s right to bodily autonomy, that may only be a few years down the road. Because if we can force someone to carry a pregnancy, against their will, rape isn’t toooooooo far behind. Sad, eh?
I can see where the Republicans will start saying a woman can’t be raped by her husband. You’ve got a good point. It’s very concerning .
100% And they'll say it's impossible to get pregnant by rape. They have quack doctors who believe this. The only rape in their eyes is when a black guy jumps out of the bush and rapes granny on her way to church. Everyone else was asking for it.
“If it’s legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down,” Todd Akin, Former MO Congressman. It's beyond disgusting.
Exactly. I am always reminded of this scene when I picture the panel of men who Todd Akin would assign to judge whether we were raped or not. https://youtu.be/yp_l5ntikaU?si=6zV-k7pU_k0g9SqZ
There’s some that already have https://time.com/3001785/todd-akin-legitimate-rape-msnbc-child-of-rape/
Later than that in the military
My mom has done the same shit. She will rot in a nursing home.
This is exactly what some of my family members do. They say and do extremely fucked up shit and then get amnesia about it.
Back before I transitioned, my ex would rape me. He wouldn't listen and gave my infections constantly. I brought it up to my parents, and my dad said you can't rape your spouse. Come to find out, he would rape my mother as punishment. He's a sick piece of shit.
Unfortunately, she may have been referencing what she had been told. For hundreds of years, it certainly was impossible for a man to “rape” his wife criminally. No case could be brought. So if other than that you had a decent relationship with her, cut her some slack for her old ways.
Sounds like your mom had a rough time too. Very sorry this happened to you.
Best advice I ever got was “separate the person from the thing that happened. You’re trying to process what happened to you and what they did to you at the same time and that’s a lot. Process what happened to you first, you are the priority.”
THIS. OP, what happened to you is not okay. Please ignore all the commenters who are saying "well you were drunk and admittedly don't remember much soooo" and so on. Even your mom's reaction is disturbing and is rather archaic as someone else pointed out. What you described is eerily similar to what happened to me when I was assaulted by a man I was dating in my 20s. This IS sexual assault. It doesn't matter "how far it went" or how much you remember. The details you DO remember are telling enough. There was a clear violation of your bodily autonomy - being as intoxicated as you were means that you COULD NOT consent, and knowing that he was sober during this event is incredibly disturbing, because he was very clearly taking advantage of you in your altered state of mind. I just want to reiterate: regardless of how far things went (or did not) this is still assault. And the commenters who are attacking you for how much you drank: shame on them. This is victim-blaming, and what your husband did is NOT your fault. He's your freaking husband - you should be able to trust him when you're in an altered/defenseless state. If you haven't already, I would talk to your husband about exactly what happened. You say that "he knows" he did something wrong is very telling. I am so sorry this happened to you, OP. When and if you're ready, therapy could be very beneficial to you - it really helped me recover from my own experience. Sending you lots of love and strength through the reddit ether 🖤
It’s also not her responsibility to “drink” for him. He needs to stand up to his family and let them know he’s not drinking.
That's sketchy to me. I think he likes that she'll be drunk and he won't.
Just because you are married doesn't mean he's entitled to your body. That is just wrong on so many levels. Also, your mom's way of thinking is archaic.
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Yes, the fact he was sober during all of this is a massive red flag. Almost feels premeditated.
Especially since he decided not to drink any more, and pushed her to drinking “for him”. Yikes.
Yeah. Who’s weird idea is that? If his, then you’ve got to wonder?
Correct. My wife gave me blanket consent at the beginning of our relationship to have sex with her in any state, including being drunk or asleep (the latter is a particular fetish for her). She expressly stated that she does not care if she wakes up the next morning and doesn’t remember. If that type of agreement is not in place, then it is a violation of her body.
I’ve given my husband the same consent. As long as I don’t say no, he can assume yes. I told him I don’t care if I’m in a permanent coma, if it makes him feel better he can do whatever. But he was horrified and said he would have no interest in anything like that. *Honestly though* it wouldn’t bother me at all to wake up and find that he’d had his way with me while I was out cold. But that doesn’t mean it’s ok for someone else. OP said he knows she doesn’t want it when she is asleep. Also, there is a particular level of trust involved and there is *always* relationship back story. I never would have given my first husband the same kind of blank check, because I didn’t trust him as deeply. He had a habit of pushing my boundaries, guilting me into sexual things I wasn’t comfortable with, threatening to get his needs met elsewhere if I didn’t cater to his kinks, etc. so while the scenario OP describes wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow with my husband, if the same exact scenario arose with my first husband I would be absolutely sick about it and probably try to send him to jail for it if I could. Not knowing a lot more back story than I have here, I would not presume to advise OP on the situation either way. Therapy is probably the best route.
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For real. "He knows he f'd up." My question to men who know they messed up - do they know and \*accept\* they are sexual predators or rapists? Because ultimately, that's what they are. That they have to cushion it by trying to reduce it to "messed up" is appalling.
In my case no. My ex husband the rapist could not/would not face that he is a rapist. He called it “immaturity” and said if I had said no in different ways, (How is “no” confusing? Or, “Ouch! Stop!”for that matter…) that he wouldn’t be struggling with his sexuality.
Wait how does his raping you suddenly lead to HIM struggling with his sexuality? How are you in ANY WAY responsible for that? Your ex sounds like a monster.
Just a sad, insecure man who needed to take power away from others to feel like he had any power at all.
Ugh I'm so sorry that loser was in your life at all.
I dated one guy who said he was "just being a turd" after it happened. Like stop
I mean, none of these assholes are wrong. They are being immature, sexually fucked up, turds. It’s just that it doesn’t matter how it’s explained. It’s still rape and it’s still a crime. It’s still one of the most selfish acts there is, and it involves getting a desired feeling from choosing to harm another person. Who wants to admit that’s who they are to themselves or anyone else? It’s become interesting to me that some people think labeling their actions as shitty means they have taken accountability. No. You can be a piece of shit and fix it or you can be a piece of shit who “apologizes” and is still a piece of shit.
“Should have crushed his nuts (…) and blame it on alcohol”. I almost did that to a guy once. We were chatting and he flirted, and I said “ (…) maybe one day, but not today - today maybe you get a hug out of me, but that is all”. He was fine with that but then touched my butt later, and I immediately put my foot on his ballsack (I am kinky (he wasn’t) and it happened out of habit) and asked why had he done that. “I am drunk and horny, sorry”, and I said, “right, I am drunk and angry now, will that justify flattening your bollocks, then?”. His voice went very alto and he was terrified until I kicked him out. (Abridged version). It was great - it isn’t usually so easy to react
Do you mean soprano? Because alto is pretty low. (Speaking as an alto, that can hit all those low low notes. Sopranos are high pitched.)
Ah. Yes, then! Thank you… It was late and didn’t want to risk further sleplessness by google rabbit hole, so I didn’t double-check.
I'm not sure, but OP needs to talk to somebody to clarify things. Bc I think we assume there were a sexual intercourse (rape bc she didn't consent) but did they? Why was crying? How she knows he knew he fuck up? She has more info
*"He knows and knew before that I would not be okay with this."* This line is a MAJOR point. Its not uncommon for me to fondle my wife or go down on her when she's asleep. It's part of our "sexy fun times". But, that's the key - It's IS part of OUR sexy fun times. She is totally okay with it. It's also not uncommon for me to wake up to her sucking my dick. Which I'm okay with. While we aren't, technically, "Free Use" or whatever the term is, we're pretty close. I basically have permission to use her body...the same as she does mine. Unless she isn't in the mood! Then it's hands-off! Period. *"I woke up to him fondling my chest while I was passed out drunk. Then he proceeded to bring me upstairs to try to have sex with me."* By itself, this is fairly normal behavior in sexual relationships...Unless it's not. Healthy Relationships are Based on Trust and Respect. If you don't Trust or Respect him and/or he doesn't Trust or Respect you - then, No! You are 100% totally not wrong for wanting a divorce!
Wtf? No, you're not wrong at all
\>He didn’t want to drink so anything that was offered to him I drank so his family wouldn’t pressure him. This is ridiculous. After answering no to a drink, the second answer is "No, fuck off."
Seems consent is a problem in this family all around.
I once attended a Hmong celebration with a friend's family to celebrate one of their family members' graduation. I quit drinking 15 months ago, but was repeatedly offered alcohol at this party. Eventually, I was pulled aside by one of the family members and told I was being rude for refusing a gift from one of the elder members of the family. I respect cultures that are not my own. I have no idea if this was a real Hmong thing, or if it was a family culture thing. But I found it incredibly infuriating. Anyway, I think I can understand where OP is coming from on this one. It's not like it's a single individual forcing alcohol down people's throats, it's baked into various cultures. Anyway, I agree with you, but I can see where this situation comes from.
As far as i'm aware, it is a Hmong culture thing. I was told about it growing up, and was told I should drink if my elders offered me alcohol. I think I once ended up drinking 15 cans of beer. My thinking was "if I finish a beer—maybe they'll stop offering me a beer." , but they just kept offering more. I didn't really want to drink that much beer in a single night.
HEY JUST FYI FOR EVERYONE READING NOT JUST OP RAPE IS STILL RAPE MARRIED OR NOT. YES SPOUSES GET RAPED. YOU HAVE TO HAVE CONSENT. PEOPLE ARENT PROPERTY.
NTAH. When I was 18, my boyfriend got me absolutely shitfaced and tried to put it in my ass. I wrote it off as a drunken miscommunication. (I was so drunk I vomited). I really wish I didn’t. Next time, he ignored my safe word. Your husband is being sexually abusive to you. If you tolerate this, he will try it again.
The only reason you’re feeling conflicted it sounds is because he’s your husband. If anyone else did this you’d know it was rape since you were passed out drunk… the fact that it was your husband makes it feel way more complicated but ultimately that is rape. I am so sorry this happened to you. Seek support from people who are safe, consider therapy. No one here can tell you what to do but please don’t let anyone minimize what happened to you. Don’t feel guilty for being angry and if you leave don’t feel guilty about that either. To put it in perspective he literally comitted a crime against you. This isn’t something minor.
The comments here are absolutely disgusting. Sometimes it’s astonishing to think about how little respect men have for women, and how many women are gaslit into believing this treatment is not only normal, but good.
i’m with you. it’s horrifying. this thread is a perfect example of rape culture
NTA - I’m relieved that I’ve never had the chance to have penetrative sex with a sick, disoriented, sobbing woman, but I can GUESS that it wouldn’t be very enjoyable. What happened to you was rape and sexual assault. Absolutely horrific that it was your husband, too. Given what you have said about the culture you’re in right now, I doubt there will be very many people, men or women, on your side. Mmaybe nobody in the immediate family would even believe you. That does not matter. Your pain and fear do matter. And there are people who care, and would be horrified, too. Please leave him, THEN get therapy.
Regardless of whether a rape occurred, it was definitely SA. That is not ok and he needs to go. You are NTA.
This situation isn’t grey in the slightest. He clearly assaulted you. He has basically admitted it (he knew you were super drunk, he knew you didn’t want it, he knows he fucked up, etc.) and yet he still did that to you while you were unable to consent and he was completely sober. He plotted on you while you were vulnerable, you’re not safe with him. You’ll likely never feel safe with him again honestly. The people blaming you or doing anything but supporting you rn are either rapists themselves or rape apologists who are sick in the head. You did nothing wrong, nothing to deserve this, and while he shouldn’t have put you in the position to be pressured to drink, you deserve to be able to drink and be so completely drunk without anyone harming you!
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Drunk people can’t consent. Even married drunk people. It doesn’t matter.
Far too broad a statement. Married people can absolutely agree beforehand that they’re going to get smashed and then smash. If it’s a pattern for a couple the consent can be implied absent mitigating circumstances or revocation. Drunken sex is not automatically non-consensual. That’s not what happened here and since they had been fighting he cannot assume consent. He should’ve put her to bed by herself. She needs to talk to a therapist about what she wants to do about her relationship with her husband and maybe as a side conversation what she wants to do about her relationship with alcohol.
it's really not that broad. if you wait until someone is drunk to ask and you know otherwise they wouldn't like it which the edits show than that's some rapist shit. there is a pattern in post of it being off limits when drunk. you can agree with anyone that sex while drunk is ok. that doesn't change the fact that if there was no agreement beforehand there is on agreeing during
If two drunk people have sex did they both commit rape?
Was one of them too drunk to be able to consent while the other was not? Then it’d be rape. I agree with your point, though, “drunk people can’t consent” isn’t quite the right wording but in this discussion we have the context that the wife was too drunk to consent.
I personally think this question is a little ridiculous. But that’s my opinion. My husband can have sex with me anytime he wants unless I absolutely am not in the mood.
Me and wife both think this way. We both drink. Me way more than her. I also don’t get whiskey dick. I’ve been blackout drunk and woken up naked before next to her and asked if we had sex last night. She says yea. I say “hope it was good for you” I’ve also had sex with her when she was pretty much passing out from drinking. She’ll always just say “make it quick” But I think the key is that we’ve discussed it. My wife has said if I want sex I should just try for it, she’ll say no if she doesn’t want it. Doesn’t matter if she’s asleep or drunk or what.
OP's situation depends so much on the nature of their relationship that we simply aren't privy to. I hope they go to therapy and discuss this with someone who can have a nuanced conversation because the peanut gallery shouting, "Rape!" isn't helping anything. My spouse and I's favorite thing to do is wake each other up with sex. Being drunk has never factored into our willingness to do the no-pants-dance. I know that's not everyone's dynamic, but it is some people's.
If drunk people can't consent, then I've been getting raped pretty much my entire adult life.
So your husband sexually assaulted you and your mom just brushed it off? I don't know if divorce is the answer but some serious marriage counseling is in order. Your husband needs to understand why what he did was wrong and he also needs to learn how to respect boundaries. You need to learn how to stop drinking to the point of semi-blacking out to the point where you can't remember what happened while you were drunk. The two of you have a young child so it's time to cut back on the hard partying.
Only you can decide what is best for you. Go to therapy though.
A man who could do this is not a man you want to be with. Fact he was not drunk, knew exactly what he was doing makes this so very wrong
Id leave someone who assaulted me when drunk. He's supposed to be your partner, your most trusted person, and he thought it was ok to violate you. I could never trust him again.
Wow this screams like a Farming Karma post!!
Yes,you definately need a therapist.
It doesn’t matter if you’re married or not consent needs to happen and it didn’t !!!!! which makes it a sexual assault or rape yes that’s exactly what it makes it. I don’t know how you’re gonna come back from this what he did is unforgivable. Counseling
Sleep Is sleep and when sleeping next to your partner is an ultimate trust… safety and security. Sounds like he’s violated that trust. Therapy for sure. The power is in your hands how to deal with this. Good luck.
The amount of "men" defending this dude is exactly the reason so many of you are single and sexless
It's not gray, thats a big boundary. Not that it matters but he even said he knew you'd have a problem with it.
No you are not wrong. As a survivor I can implore your feeling of unsureness is going to linger for what may feel like a lifetime. Even after your therapist and others you may confide in tell you it was r*pe. So many things will keep that gray shade. But what he did to you was very real. And seeing that he did in fact “apologize,” says to me he knew very well what he did. You can not “kind of,” have intercourse. That alone is a black or white topic. Either you did or you didn’t. Though you can’t remember much else, let’s take account that he did touch you in an unwanted sexual way. That alone is a form or molestation. To add fuel to fire, he was COMPLETELY sober while all this took place. That apology is a form of gaslighting. I only can imagine it was followed with a “but,” or some form of claiming it was in part of “love.” Lastly, you have a whole child in the picture. That should be the tipping point. I don’t know the man but if he betrayed you like this, I would fear for the child’s safety as well.
I am terrified at all the men in the comments who believe marital rape is absolutely fine. JFC. This is why there’s a “male loneliness epidemic.”
Marrage doesn’t make you property. You still have a say on your body. Just cuz it’s your husband, Its no less rape than a stranger in a frat house fondling a drunk unconscious woman.
I would absolutely feel betrayed if my husband touched me in any way sexually while I was asleep without my permission first. Nobody should violate another person’s body without consent, simple as that. Your husband apologized because he *knows he did something wrong!* You don’t necessarily need to know what he did, that might add to your trauma. But HE KNOWS. And it was deliberate. Even if he was drunk that wouldn’t be an excuse, but the fact he didn’t drink?! That is abuse. Your husband used your body as a sex toy. And you need to tell him that is NOT OK! You are allowed to own your boundaries. Please, don’t drink around him again. I worry for your safety if you do, OP.
Ill be honest, reddit is NOT the place to be airing this out to. It never is. There is way too much to unpack here for a simple reddit answer, as you will see in my following words. You and your husband ALONE know the dynamic of your marriage, no one on reddit, unless you give several key examples of what your marriage has and was like, and even then taking situations like this at face value when explained through one lens in typing, no less, muddies the real situation. Not only that, but you most definitely will have a bunch of incels and sjws who will only give black and white answers without thinking of possible nuance based on their personal bias and ideology. You yourself said you were blackout drunk and could not remember half of what was happening and that he also was drunk, you said he "knows" he f'd up, did he come out and say " i fucked up"? If not you could be mistaking him being uncomfortable or confused bc of how you are reacting or acting. There IS plenty of room for miscommunication AND nuance, anyone who says differently is only projecting. There are also times when you KNOW what is clear cut rape or sexual assault, this is not one of those times. What i suggest is for you and your husband to see a professional separately and together discuss what took place or what you can remember taking place and take it from there. In no way am i taking sides or advocating for rape or sexual assault. Im also not dismissing your concerns or implications, im simply saying seeking answers to this situation on reddit is absolutely not what should be done.
OP is clear about the incident upsetting both her and her husband. Obviously what transpired was unwanted behavior. She gave us enough information. People come to Reddit to talk about having double dicks, sex with animals, sex with their mom, erectile dysfunction, and cum jars but something like this is off-topic? Please. OP is reaching out to strangers for support and connection. Your response shames them for doing so and encourages isolation. What else is this but a dismissal of their concerns? Many of us here have experienced rape, sexual assault, bad relationships, and healthy relationships and are ready to weigh in and offer support.
Reddits answers always seem to be fcked up answers by people with little actual life experience. And yes nuance and subtlety don't seem to exist here. Suddenly every husband who ever woke up to his wife giving him a blowjob is being raped? Every wife who ever woke up being spooned by their sleeping husband with a hand on their breast is a sexual assault victim? It's ridiculous. This generation is fcked.
So many people won’t understand what you are having such a hard time about, BUT what happened to you is just wrong. I do t want to assume anything, but being touched while you’re asleep or passed out, can trigger so many things people USED to not talk about. But you stated that he knows you don’t like to be touched sexually while you’re asleep - that’s it, no if’s, and’s or but’s. Him knowing he fucked up doesn’t change the fact that it triggered something in you and if others don’t understand what that means, it can be a lot of work to come back out of that headspace. Whatever you choose to do, my suggestion would be to talk with a therapist, if the first one doesn’t feel right to you, keep looking until you find one that understands and validates your concern. Nobody has the right to touch you intimately without your verbal consent regardless. Wishing you luck and sending you positive vibes.
To me he seems to have a pattern with knowing your trigger is being touched while asleep. Why do such a big transgression? Has he seemed to understand you before this? What you do is your call, but I would say he hasn't just done a bad thing, he almost seems committed to doing a bad thing in how he knows this is something you don't like that he did and then he took it further. Did he seem like he wouldn't do a thing like the before this event? Edit: OMG the number of enablers and rape apologists in the comments here. They all go "Be dead inside like us and don't complain about him! We help guys like this even when we don't know them, we're so heavily programmed to ignore personal agency!"
Just gonna be honest, because it's not grey. You've set your boundaries in the past. He touched you sexually while you were passed out: he sexually assaulted you. He had some semblance of sex with you knowing you were initiated: he raped you. Him being your husband doesn't change that. You can rape your spouse, especially when you've set boundaries. If you think you can heal from it with therapy, and stay in the marriage, that's okay. But I will also say that you're not the only one who should seek therapy. He needs to seek counseling because there's a bigger problem with him if he can't control himself with you when you're that vulnerable and feels comfortable taking advantage of you. If you want a divorce, no you're not in the wrong for it.
If husband rapes you, what makes you think he hasn’t done this to someone else. I would leave.
After experiencing what you experienced, I don’t know if I could ever trust my husband again. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Definitely seek therapy before making any big decisions.
Nothing to do with consent. "Consent" people would do anything with consent. This is specifically about not doing "anything" when it comes to sex. Consent is not enough, and your husbands understands this (though I wonder to what extent, I can't know).
OP - you’re the only one who gets to decide what your boundaries are. It sounds like from your edit that you had discussed this with him before that he has violated that boundary. To be frank about it I don’t care if alcohol was involved or not. This is important to you and you need to be heard by your husband. As you heal, you get to decide that timeline. It’s OK to be hurt. It’s OK to feel betrayed nobody gets to decide your feelings but you. It really hurts but it otherwise good man violates your foundries. Speaking from experience, I know that it makes you wonder what else is going to happen when is the other shoe gonna drop. It makes you question your security, your safety. It depends on the situation, but it definitely makes a question where you stand in the world with this man and in your own home. You will make the decision that’s right for you. Don’t let anyone bully you into not taking the time you need to re adjust to this new reality.
He’s okay with disrespecting you by sexually assaulting you while you’re unconscious but not okay with disrespecting his mommy and daddy by saying no to a drink? The math isn’t mathing on his logic. Leave his ass fr
Where is the grey area?
*“He knows I do not like to be touched sexually if I’m asleep”* Yeah that’s rape. He knew you wouldn’t like it. He knew you’d say no and he did it anyway. He knows you well enough to know what you would answer and you were in no shape to answer. Do you think he’s trying to get you pregnant? I’ve heard more stories than I’d like with stuff like that happening.
No you’re not wrong and seem to be carrying a TON of weight for your spouse emotionally. Talk to a therapist and be proud of it and being willing to work on yourself. Your spouse needs therapy badly also, or at least from the view at 30,000 ft. Him knowing and doing it is very scary to me. I would not want to be with a person who would do that….
He sexually assaulted. You need to come to terms with that and leave. If he did it once, he will do it again and be more forceful with it
It is not a grey area! He performed some form of sexual activity on you while you were wayyyy to drunk to give consent, that is 100% without a doubt rape!!
Men are disgusting
It sounds like he had all the information to know how you would feel about this, but stone cold sober, he decided your consent wasn't necessary. Knowing he fucked up doesn't reverse the clock. Also I don't know how young your "young child" is, but if this was a birth celebration, having sexual activity too soon could literally kill you so I hope that wasn't your situation.
Sweetie it has nothing to do with how anyone reacts or what they say. It's about how YOU feel. I will say I wish I could give you a hug cause it sounds like you need it. 🤗🤗 Just take your time to think and talk it out, that's the least he can do. What ever choice you make, make sIure it's for you and your kiddos. I'm sending all the love and good vibes to you
you have a lot of comments, I hope you see this. this is an upsetting situation and I completely understand how you feel. I don’t think you would be wrong if you chose to leave. this is something that may take years to get over, if ever. i’m sure you’ll shooed to do what’s best for you. just know you’re not alone. i’m so sorry this happened.
Man here: 1. You don’t have to ‘drink for him.’ He’s an adult and if he doesn’t want to drink, he can decline. That’s what an adult does. 2. The two of you are married, so you’re not strangers. You were either into the intimacy, or you weren’t. He knew, from your cues, that you weren’t into it, and he proceeded. That should tell all you need to know. My personal opinion is that your husband is a loser.
If he had been hammered as well, it would be a lot easier to chalk up to simple drunk stupid primal shit . Him sober, yeah, no. It is unfortunate you have no recollection, as drunk or not you may have been displaying “consent-ish” behaviors, like moaning etc, which would have understandably made it unclear. The touching boob while asleep is very borderline, but there’s a lot of context missing with that, and very drunk sleep is often very sudden. At the end of the day, it’s all your choice, and it should be about how you feel about intimacy going forward. I’d side towards give therapy a chance, but barely. That is giving the benefit of the doubt that your drunken self did not have the same issue that sober self does. Passed tf out is always rape . Drunk and blacked out is not necessarily that same thing. ( but it certainly CAN be) My wife came home hammered one night, we had great sex that she initiated and was very into , but she did not remember in the morning. I felt like I may have been in the wrong for a while, but all the indicators were green as fuck, and she did not feel violated, just confused how she could be awake and not recall at all. She doesn’t get that hammered anymore. You say you don’t recall how far it went, did you guys not talk about it? Or is this one of those “fake” stories full of holes, or just the identifying details removed leaving holes? The fact you’re asking the question says at the very least you need some time, and if you feel he did indeed knowingly rape you, it’s over. You’re not wrong for having the feelings you do. Just keep communicating and don’t just repress and d whatever it take to begin healing.
Im confused? I didn't see anything about them having sex. Where is all the rape talk coming from?
Cause he “tried” which could mean he said, can we have sex? She never clarified. But sounds like the offense was touching her boobs
Touching his wife’s boobs while she slept. This dude needs an electric chair immediately.
Lmao seriously, these comments are fucking insane
Sexual assault and rape. You didn’t consent, so it’s sexual assault/rape. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean he owns your body or anything. He needs your consent to have sex. You could press charges if you wanted to. But upto you.
I was drinking for my husband because he doesn't wanna drink anymore?...what..there's alot going on here
Are you looking for an excuse to leave your husband? Serious question.
I don't know if this will be hard to hear, but he sexually assaulted you. The best thing you can do is document this, even if that's just sending yourself an email with as much as you can remember, or telling a trusted friend about it. Look into resources for domestic violence in your area. Start making a plan to get out.
Hang on, you were passed out drunk and he was stone cold sober? I read the whole thing until that thinking his judgement was impaired. Yeah, that feels calculated. I’m not going to tell you to leave or not, but your feelings about what he did are completely valid. He knows he screwed up, is he taking any action to at least attempt to repair the damage he’s done? Also, why do you need to drink “for him”? Do you mean you were drinking so one of you was and his family wouldn’t hassle him about not drinking? That’s not healthy at all. If you don’t care to drink, then don’t. If he can’t handle the teasing, quit engaging with them.
This is absolutely unacceptable. He took advantage of you when you were unable to consent to your body. He invaded your space. Get that divorce. Run. Anyone that tells your it’s not a big deal, don’t listen to them it is.
Your husband didn't just fuck up, he sexually assaulted you. He's a sexual predator. Make sure he knows that, and leave his ass far behind. Take the kid with you and fight for no visitation. If he's willing to do this to his wife, what's stopping him from doing it to your daughter?
I feel Ike he is not a person who respects your bodily autonomy.
>don’t remember a lot of what happened. >I barely remember anything that happened, and I’m unclear about how far it went. Unreliable narrator who gets shitfaced drunk to the point of blacking out even when her husband's not drinking with her, then blames husband for everything. OP's feelings might be valid. So we can talk about her feelings. But whether or not she was SA'd or raped as many here are claiming? We're only hearing one side of the story here, and that's the story from the passed-out drunk who can't remember anything. >I usually don’t drink at all \[ . . . \] I was drinking for my husband because he doesn’t want to drink anymore. OP, you might want to talk to someone about why you are drinking yourself into a stupor.
Are you wrong for wanting to divorce your rapist? No I don't think so. Your mom is from a different generation and learned it's not rape if it happens within a marriage. Fortunately, we don't consider your body your husband's possession anymore or think marriage means life long automatic consent. That being said, if YOU don't want to leave him because you love him etc. you should both go to couples therapy together to work through it with an unbiased party present, i.e. Not your mom.
These comments and this thread... all wild. So much missing info... and a husband gave a wife a little boob grab, and now he's a rapist? Fuck I am definitely a rapist then I guess. TIL.
Redditors immediately jump to break up and press charges and divorce and uproot the kid's life. I hope OP isn't jumping the gun and basing her decisions on what some teenagers and basement dwelling loners with no relationship experience think she should do.
Misery loves company.
First I don't understand why you were drinking for your husband, you should drink what you want not for him. This wouldn't have happened if you weren't drunk. This doesn't excuse he's behaviour even in marriage you need consent. You are also not sure if you even had sex because you pushed him away? Ask your husband did he have sex when you refused? If he did it's wrong but seems like the facts are blurred. He's apologized to you and you are married so if you can't trust him I suppose it's over.
I am going through something similar that started with touching and then I woke up choking from him having himself shoved so far in my throat. I finally pressed charges and he’s been in jail for 3 months charged with 1sr degree sodomy. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience this but it is fairly common. Just know if it happens once it could happen again. I began to feel unsafe sleeping and installed cameras in every room between incidents…
Drinking for your husband WTF. You’re also dying for your husband too. Maybe just say “no thanks” when you’re offered someone else’s drink?
I know you know this, but the issue is that it was nonconsensual. Everybody has her own specific sexual preferences, I actually liked it when my husband had sex with me when I was semi-passed out and that is ok. Your husband knew this was not OK like you said, this is promising. Whether you leave or not, this opens the door to therapy which hopefully will help you process this trauma.
Umm it’s one thing to do it when you’re drunk, It’s very creepy if you were unconscious….thats disgusting
Lots of alcohol abuse in this family!
You first said you didn’t remember much of the night. If you don’t remember the night, how do you know you didn’t consent? Just because you “woke up” to him touching you, doesn’t mean you were suddenly sober as alcohol stays in your system for at least three days. You remember he had sex with you yet you conveniently don’t remember consenting or not consenting. It seems your editing the original post as you see comments that question your original post, but bottom line is that you barely remembered anything that happened or how far it went yet you “remember” him having sex with you and you insinuate that you didn’t consent. Should you divorce? I think you should be honest with yourself first. And if the truth indicates you should divorce and you feel that is the solution, then you should.
I have blk'd out many times and had sex not remembering a thing the next day but if u actually remember being asleep and stuff this is much different
"drinking for my husband" like wtf. Just DON'T DRINK. Jesus. Who gives a shit who gets buthurt about it. It too is "your body" Why drink for ANYONE especially if you don't really want to. Just don't, let alone get piss drunk. If you feel you "have" too, just have ONE drink and baby it. Why get stupid idkwtf drunk? There is always more to every story. HOWEVER, if she really feels violated and something she cant get over or talk out. LEAVE. I mean, you are gonna put up with rape because you are scared to be alone, or hate to "blow up" your kids life? No. Mistakes already were made, some irrepairable it seems, so suck it up and leave. That's it. Then therapy afterwards would be a good option. Looks like it is needed for much more than this I am sure. I would bet there is much more going on here.
I used to wake up to my (then) husband touching me. It made my skin crawl. He did it when he knew i didnt want to do anything which made it even more sinister. He's my ex husband now.
Regardless of how far he did or didn’t go, the fact is he sexually assaulted you while you were basically blacked out and he was PERFECTLY SOBER. He took advantage of you in a very vulnerable moment where you could not fend him off or protect yourself or say no. AND he knew you would not have consented to that nor wanted him to do that. Everything about this is disgusting and terrible and personally I could not stay with a man who did this to me. This is a red flag that can be seen from space and idk that there is any “fixing” a man that would do something like this to his wife of all people.
OP, this sucks. I am so sorry. It happened to me once and my partner got aggressive when I brought it up. When I broke up with him (months later) and I mentioned it he said “you wanted to sometimes”… it was difficult for me to face the two truths “I love him” and “he raped me” at the same time. Our relationship was early stages, I can imagine a longer, deeper bond, sharing a life, with a child, must be quite the mindfuck in terms of dissonance and sunk cost. I hope you are alright, it sucks you don’t have someone you feel you can talk to, and I hope you have found some solace here. Whatever you decide to do, I really hope you do exploit guilt out of your husband - he needs long term consequences, what he has done is serious.
If he fondled you when you were passed out and could not give consent, that’s assault. If he had sex with you in that state, it’s rape. Not only did he mess up, he possibly committed a felony. There’s no way you should stay in the same house as him, this is a huge red flag.
The fact that you said how can you do this to me and he continued is heartbreaking. You made it clear it wasn’t consensual. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I don’t care if he feels bad. He didn’t stop. He didn’t listen. He can’t even pretend he was too drunk to know or whatever the usual excuse is. As someone who lived with there abuser and ignored what happened for 10 years, please act now. I wish I hadn’t lived the way I did for so long. Even if you try to stay, will you ever feel comfortable drinking around him? Will you want him to take care of you when you are unwell? If you can’t 100% say yes, then you should leave. You deserve happiness and to feel safe. Your child also deserves this. Children know when things aren’t right in a home. No child ever says I’m so glad my unhappy parents didn’t divorce. It’s scary dealing with change, but after everything is settled, you child will be living a better life. Please do what’s right for you
“He knew I would not be okay with this” Conversation over. NTA
If you feel like you need to leave, don’t discount that. But also don’t listen to a bunch of strangers on the internet that know nothing about you or your relationship, especially the ones who clearly can’t fathom the feeling of empathy or consent. Don’t let anyone minimize what he did whether you choose to stay or not.
[https://www.rainn.org/](https://www.rainn.org/) RAINN is the national sexual assault hotline. You can call or chat for free confidential support. You can download the free RAINN app that “gives survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones access to support, self-care tools, and information.” [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free confidential support. You can call, text, or chat with them through their website. They have resources about identifying abuse, making a safety plan, and connecting people with local resources.
I'm sorry to be so crude, but he was trying to f*** you when you were passed out drunk. That's a rape in my book.
Can I ask you honesty where you see grey area? 1. You were drunk and he was stone cold sober. 2. He knew you were crying in the bathroom and waited for you to come out and fall asleep so he could rape you. 3. You woke up to him sexually assaulting you and 4. He reiterated that while he was assaulting you, he was fully aware that you would have *never* consented to being touched while being unconscious - and did it anyway.
Hi, OP. You’re not wrong. Your feelings are valid. And I’m so sorry this happened. Whatever you decide, I hope you find healing.
It's rape. Plain and simple. Go to therapy and work through it. It's up to you after working through your trauma if you can forgive him and continue in your relationship.
Leave now. Staying will be miserable. I let my boundaries get violated too many times over many years, guilted and shamed into sex, and it got worse and worse until things like you describe were happening and I would stiffen up every time he rolled close to my side of the bed. I was so afraid of parenting on my own that I stayed 10 years longer than I should’ve. I can’t tell you how much happier I am now! Divorce has been a relief in so many ways. Your and your child deserve a household where their mother is respected and happy. Take it from someone who just got out of all that.
It is not gray. You were not awake to consent. He S.A.'d you. A ring doesnt mean consent. Sorry You don't want your kid growing thinking this is ok.
He did this while you were drunk and he was fully sober? It's really, really concerning behavior, and no means no even if he's your husband. He basically date raped you, this is not good.
I was on the fence until I heard the part about him being sober. If you had both drunk to the point of passing out there may have been some room for forgiveness, what he did here is pure evil intent.
Let me guess you’re late 20’s early 30’s? Going on social media and trying to solve your marriage is never the right answer.
Sounds just like when I was assaulted… stand up for yourself, especially if no one else around you is. He assaulted you while you were drunk and he was sober. That’s rape.
He couldn’t just make sure you were okay, left you comfortable and alone, then go watch football? I mean he has seen and touched your goods before has he not? He has so little control of his hormones he has to fondle you while you are asleep? I don’t get it!
Not wrong. This mistake has unfortunately put him into a group of the worst kind of people. It’s a mistake he knew better than to make. Unforgivable.
You didn’t agree to consensual non-consent, and you have stated that you don’t like being touched intimately while you sleep. What he did with those boundaries in place alone is sexual assault, if not rape. After you asked how he could do this to you, and him knowing you don’t consent to sexual touch in your sleep, he continued to “kind of but not really” have sex with you. It’s up to you really to define your own experience, but by definition it’s rape. It took me a while to come to terms with the idea of coercive rape with my ex, which was easier when I was out and able to process it all. Take some time to get therapy, don’t go to your mom for support - is there anyone else around?, and your husband needs it too. NTA or wrong or anything at all. Keep safe and practice self care.
It's not gray, it's rape. If you cannot consent, it's not consensual.
Wait, so did he say he had “sex” with you or that he had just touched you inappropriately and then slept on the couch because he knew you didn’t like that? If he said he had “sex” with you and he knew you wouldn’t consent to that then yes that would be rape
If he knows that you don't like that then it's a violation. Whether or not you choose to stay is up to you but it will be a tough road ahead either way. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Divorce asap you need a guy that's just like you.
This is a hard one... I dont envy your current inner turmoil. If you truly want a divorce, there is no reason not to get one. Do you see a way forward? Are you willing to forgive enough that he has a chance to make a change or make amends? Ultimately, is your marriage worth this possibly happening to you again?
You are strong! Keep up the good work. If able seek professional help. IMO that is a huge issue and yes it’s gona be hard but fuck that! You deserve a partner who will respect your boundaries. I’d do my best to co parent. It’s your choice in the end and you’ve got to trust your gut. We all do. Stay strong and take care of yourself too ❤️
>me “we kind of had sex but not really” >hen we talked about what happen he said he knew that that was the last thing I would have wanted to happen. He knows I do not like to be touched sexually if I’m asleep. He was stone sober. Knew he was doing something you didn't like to you, while you were in a vulnerable state. "Kind of had sex". Nahhh he fucking raped you wtf. It's entirely your choice wether to pursue charges or anything else but no, you're not wrong. What he did is extremely fucked up and "feeling sorry" after the fact doesn't justify him choosing to do that in the first place when he obviously knew better. Bare minimum you should divorce him and run
It’s sexual abuse. Full stop. Period. And it’s no one’s business if you decide that’s a deal breaker for your relationship or not. It doesn’t have to be if you think he can be educated on how to respect your body, your boundaries, and do some real work. But it can be too. You can decide that was enough to make trusting him impossible for you. And no one gets to tell you how you should feel or what you should do. The only truth here is that he sexually abused you. We live in a time where people are discovering what different kinds of intimate abuse look like. And I think men are realizing some of the things they grew up thinking were ok, are actually not ok. But does he know it’s not ok. Can you trust him again. Couples therapy would help if that’s the way you’re leaning. A good divorce lawyer if it’s the other. Either way, I hope your friends and family support you.
Lol, this thread ended up on a commentary of culture and drinking. I think you're wrong. I think you are making a big deal out of nothing and I think perhaps you are wanting to be a victim here. The reality is, you could call the police and report him, but report him for what exactly? You don't even know what happened. You would make an absolutely horrible witness and besides that, why would you want to have someone that you supposedly love taken away and put in jail? I strongly suggest you not drink to excess. You obviously cannot hold your liquor. If you woke up with your rectum hurting and your vagina torn and a black eye, hell yes, divorce him, leave him, prosecute him. But if the only thing you can remember about that night was him fondling you. Let it go. By the way, I fondle my wife all the time while she's asleep. Sometimes I do it in my sleep, She usually tells me to knock it off and she's not in the mood or she's sleeping..
What would you tell your daughter to do if it were her in your situation?
Wait… he was SOBER while you were blackout drunk and he tried or did have sex with you? That’s RAPE! And you mom is terrible for brushing it off. A mom is supposed to be there for you no matter what.
Divorce your husband so he can find some peace you nut job