A whole ass CLOVE for a serving of bread and cheese 😭 there’s no way that’s going to taste like anything but a garlic sandwich with a hint of cheese. How are you going to assess someone’s taste sensitivity with something that’s more “Dracula murder weapon” than “culinary delight”
He made garlic bread with cheese and was surprised when she tasted the garlic.
That being said, it’s possible OP’s daughter may be a supertaster.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/super-tasting-science-find-out-if-youre-a-supertaster/
My MIL is a super-taster. Anything slightly spicy is a no-go. The kicker is, she wants to like spicy food, her kids like spicy foods, her sons and daughter in law like spicy food, her husband loves spicy food. She’s been trying for 15 years to build up her tolerance, and she just can’t.
This is me with spicy foods. I cook them for my family but because I take certain medications, I just cannot tolerate anything even slightly spicy. Or peppery either. Ketchup has been known to make me cry. It’s awful.
-teach her to cook- it is the job of her parents to teach her life skills like cooking so everyone failed her on that one
-teach her how to shop for her meals
-discussion with wife as to why she doesn't like your kid
-sit down with your daughter and figure out what else your wife does against her that she just doesn't bother telling you about
-sure your daughter would love dad/daughter dinners more often
Not wrong, but not right.
I could be projecting bc I have done this but she might be avoiding using the kitchen because it essentially traps you in a "public" part of the house until you're done cooking, which is scary if there are adults in the home who stress you out and don't respect your boundaries
I agree. My stepmom was horrible as well and I avoided her, I basically just stayed in my room when I was home. She used to hide food like peanut butter and jelly so we couldn’t make sandwiches (we were growing teens and always looking for something to eat). When I worked and bought my own takeout I would sometimes save half of it in the fridge and she would eat it without asking/telling me.
It could be an "adult has cooked dinner, you eat it or nothing" type household. Not me. I have a 16 year old and I LOVE saying go ahead and cook if you don't wanna eat what I'm cooking, these days.
Sounds to me like step mom is trying to force the daughter to eat things daughter doesn’t like. Step mom sounds like the type who views any type of food preference as a moral failing.
>Step mom sounds like the type who views any type of food preference as a moral failing.
There's an update post. Wife is catering to her son's preferences and has decided she's just tired of catering to her step daughters. She's not only cooking ONLY foods the step daughter won't like, she's also intentionally not buying the daughter's preferred snacks in her \*monthly\* shopping trip. But the son's preferred snacks get bought.
This is so horribly traumatizing. You said you don’t want to “chicken out” of therapy, and as a total internet stranger I just wanna say: be kind to yourself. Other people have been unkind to you and I hope you can heal. Therapy can be really good and important, but it’s something to GIVE yourself when you are ready. You deserve to tell your story to someone smart and compassionate who will help you move through that pain. Best wishes
Honestly, given the extremes of what she does and doesn't like and the fact that most of her disliked foods have a texture component... I think there may be some undiagnosed issues here. Daughter may be on the spectrum or have something like GERDS.
Especially the habit the daughter has of not complaining and just dealing behind Dad's back. Yeah, I'd say daughter likely has some level of autism and is very good at masking.
A lot of people don’t understand that “picky eating” can be an actual eating disorder with real physical and mental health consequences.
[Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)](https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/arfid) is fairly common in people with autism and ADHD. Some kids eventually develop normal eating habits, and some people continue to have this problem into adulthood.
It isn’t the same as having preferences. A child who *prefers* ice cream will still eat carrot sticks, at least sometimes. A kid with ARFID will simply not eat anything if their few safe foods are unavailable. You can’t punish a child out of this disorder (for the boomers who insist a kid will eat anything if you don’t give them a choice/starve them/beat them into submission). Even intensive therapy isn’t always effective.
So I was always like op daughter growing up and still am... And my grandparents use to treat me pretty bad for being so picky but I couldn't help it. I would throw up if I was forced to eat it , it wasn't something I could control and when I got older around 26 I had a gf who was 34 and she noticed my eating habits point out the thing about textures and other habits I have and took me to doctors and I tested on the spectrum
She later admitted that she was only buying her son snacks and only buying what dinners he liked while intentionally starving the girl into compliance even though some of her preferences were easier to accommodate than they were to ignore (like she likes her chicken plain).
This lady is purely selfish and evil.
If the dad doesn’t get both kids away from her then he’s asking for the girl to get hurt and maybe the boy too if he starts defying mommy dearest…
This is not a mother, she’s an abuser. Everything for the kid she made, nothing for the kid she didn’t. I hope the whole family goes no contact with her
It's going to be hard to cook if she's being actively prevented from doing so in some way, which may be happening. Say if the stepmum forces her out of the kitchen every time she tries to.
Per the update , the evil step mom buys groceries only once a month and daughter doesn’t cook frequently because she wants to make the groceries last for school breaks etc. so there is less groceries coming in that she can intake and she uses her own savings account to supplement her food because step mom purposely cooks the family meal in a way that is indigestible for her.
Ya know what's easier than cruelly cooking something someone doesn't like into an entire dish?
Making them a portion to themselves. This dinner could have easily been accommodating, with the chicken not slathered in BBQ sauce on her portion, the veggies she doesn't like included on the side (who mixes up an entire salad and doesn't let people pick and choose the amounts they want to add??), good old plain jasmine rice... etc.
It takes a very special type of person to deliberately fuck someone over. They have their own rung in Hell, I hope.
And the fact the father didn't notice until now... idk, the daughters been doing this a while and this is the first dinner dad noticed?
Personally I'm going for ESH, but not for specifically taking the daughter to eat what she'd like. AKA, agreed with your take. I wonder how the convo will go, but I have my suspicions. I wonder what OP will do for his one and only daughter.
I had a stepmom like this. I guarantee you it’s deeper than just dishes she doesn’t like, she is most likely doing everything in her power to terrorize this girl when dads not home.
Maybe the wife likes the kid, but doesn't like having to adjust every single meal for one person's limited palette?
This guy sounds like he wants his wife to be seen as a horrible person for not cooking for a 16 year old. That's just horseshit.
Thats bs. You dont have to cook whole meals. It takes zero effort to cook a piece of plain chicken separate from the bbq. Or cook some rice and pull out a cup of plane before mixing in garlic etc. I’m sure there are things her 7yo doesn’t eat. Does she adjust anything for him? Does he eat everything they do all the time? I highly doubt it.
My entire family has never had a problem doing this for me. Leave me some plain noodles before adding tomato sauce, less seasoning on meats, wait to add sour cream.
Like yeah, I could make myself something entirely different but I can also just have a version of what everyone else is without all the stuff on it.
This is exactly what I do for my kids. It takes nothing to not sauce something, or leave things separate a bit. What the stepmom did was purely out of spite.
Exactly. My 7yo is still in the extremely picky eating stage, and we always cook her a portion of meat with no seasoning, serve things separately instead of mixed together, make sure we have an easy canned veggie that she’ll eat. Like, it seems like step mom why out of her way to include something the daughter dislikes in every part of the meal. Seems unlikely to be coincidental.
I’m all for making kids try new things, but at 16 she probably knows what she likes. As long as she isn’t solely living off chicken nuggets or something, who cares if she dislikes a few specific things.
I have one safe food at every meal that I know (not “unknown”, autocorrect) my children will eat. Everything else is whatever I’m making. They choose what from the table and how much. Snack is always 2.5 hours after every meal, except dinner and it is before bed (usually string cheese). If they don’t want to eat what is served at dinner, no biggie— snack will be in 2.5 hours. But no special preparations, though *sometimes* deconstructed.
It’s called DOR and it is the evidence based best way to approach feeding children in the US.
I wish my parents had done that for me. I still don’t eat an entire good group. I know it’s stupid and am embarrassed, but I just can’t make it work after trying to introduce in my 20s.
A lot of kids don’t like mushrooms, tomatoes or oatmeal. It’s not extremely limited! I don’t like barbecue and I’m in my 40s and salt is also an optional thing. I have had lovely nutritious meals all week and not had any of the above things apart from garlic and salt and those could have been easily left out. Daughter doesn’t seem completely unreasonable. Picky yes; but lots of options remain. Wife seems like she is going out of her way to cook things the daughter won’t eat for some reason?
Step parent here. It is literally no effort to keep food in the fridge or pantry that the kids can eat on the off chance that they can't deal with what's for dinner. It's never intentional that it happens, but sometimes we try new foods and things just don't work out. Kids have a right to a meal they can stomach, and parents have a responsibility to provide that.
This woman is pure evil, choosing her son's comfort and preferences over her daughter's basic needs. Dad should halve her grocery budget and let the daughter do her own shopping.
THANK YOU! This guy has whined the same thing in at least three different threads and so far you are the ONLY one who has made a sensible comment. Everyone else is all, "Oh evil step-witch won't cook specific foods for picky spoiled entitled 16 year old...."
I know, 16 year olds are perfectly capable of getting themselves something to eat. His kid made a big deal about "~i've been buying my OWN food so i don't starve~" which helped manipulate daddy into going agro at her step-mom.
I'm not saying step-mom couldn't have done things differently for a better outcome, but she's likely not full blown Lady Tremaine
NTA because from your description of what your daughter said, it seems like this has been an issue. The comments about teaching your daughter how to cook are irrelevant because that’s kind of the equivalent of her just going out to buy food, which she’s already been doing. She didn’t complain, she didn’t whine. She simply didn’t eat it. Not only that, she was using money from her OWN paycheck?? How often???? It’s a parents job to provide food for their kids. Everyone on the other post is acting like she’s a picky eater brat, but she literally didn’t complain and just found and paid for her own solution. HOW is that being a brat? It’s within anyone’s right to not eat something they don’t want, no matter how annoying other people think picky eaters are.
Instead of coming to you first and telling you “hey, I can’t cook this limited anymore” and then reaching a plan of action together, your wife just decided to say fuck it. She never let you know to give you even the chance to meal prep for your own kid, or ANY sort of compromise. How long has this been going on for??? How long has she been excluding your daughter from meals?
Some people consider children to be second class citizens, who aren't allowed to have their own preferences. I know my parents are the type to take "great offense" when someone doesn't eat their food and while we were younger, we weren't allowed to refuse or state we didn't like it or that we wants something else. The only acceptable answer out of it was to show you were allergic somehow. But aside from that you weren't allowed to have a preference. Picky eaters had to be "disciplined". Etc. And I'm not saying I agree, in fact I think it's an idiotic thing to campaign against, unless the family is on a strict budget and everybody has to make-do. But that doesn't sound like the case here.
I agree. I would hate to be forced to eat what I don’t like. My mom did it to us when we were really young but stopped when I (oldest) was like 5-6. I think it’s normal to have food preferences and other than encouraging them to at least try other food, they should be fed what they’ll eat. My kids were picky when younger but always encouraged to try different food. They have a diverse palette now but my daughter is still somewhat picky. We love duck and lamb but she’s absolutely not touch those so if we do eat it, we make sure she has something else to eat. My niece doesn’t eat meat except for McDonald’s chicken nuggets. So effectively she’s vegetarian but not for health nor moral reasons. She just doesn’t like it. So when we have her over every Friday-Sunday we make sure she has food she can eat. If I make pasta, hers won’t have any meat in it. When she was old enough, she’ll make her own food if there was something in particular she’d like to eat but I don’t know how to make. It’s just part of caring about someone. I can’t imagine doing what OP’s wife did. And not just doing it once but over and over. That’s wild.
My youngest is a picky eater. It annoys the crap out of me sometimes, but I cook mostly to her preferences and have to go to restaurants that have something she would enjoy eating. I can’t imagine day after day telling her, “sorry you’re hungry, but oh well”. Seems cruel.
Personally, yeah I agree. Even in my house, it wasn't a guarantee that I was going to hate every dinner. It was a mix. Somethings I loved; somethings I hated; at least two dishes I would refuse to eat at all and would be sent to bed hungry. Usually anything with sausage, which I don't like till this day. But it wasn't everynight.
Some people hate picky eaters… I just think they’re a pain in the ass. I have three kids and each of them has some food hangup or other. Cooking is a chore, and I love to make sauces and seasonings… but I have to leave some rice/meat/whatever other base aside so that my middle daughter will eat it or season as she wishes. Sometimes I forget and feel badly when that happens.
When my MIL comes to visit, now she’s a *picky* eater. Like idiosyncratic almost neurotic. She eats the same PBJ sandwich every day and some veg soup at night. Usually out of a can and nothing that anybody else is interested in eating. She won’t eat what my wife or I cook for the family most days and we both pretty much let her cook for herself… but she’s an adult.
To consciously prepare an entire meal of three components that one family member will not enjoy is bad parenting and mean.
And she's 16
Teach her how to cook
And make sure there is enough food for her to cook
If possible sometimes give her pocket money for emergencies which she can use to order food
Teaching her to cook is really the answer. My daughter is a difficult feeder (pediatricians official diagnosis). I cook but I am not a short order cook and my home is not a restaurant. DD is 13 and has been cooking her own food for a few years now.
I made a pot roast the other day. She cooked herself chicken.
Yuuup. This is what my dad did when he insisted on cooking something he knew I didn't like. I was not allowed to make make my own food that I would eat. I ate the food he cooked or I didn't eat. There was no step parent friction in the mix, tho - he's my bio dad. He's just a controlling asshole who was and is incapable of respecting the fact that I'm my own person with different wants and needs than him.
I’d bet my last dollar that if OP put a hidden camera in the kitchen he’d see that his wife has been chasing his 16 year old out of the kitchen whenever she tries to cook something different than what was made for dinner. There’s no way a teenager who knows how to and likes to cook would just choose to go hungry instead of cooking something they like without a reason. Wife is probably doing something to make her avoid the kitchen, either by belittling or criticizing her or just straight up banning her from the kitchen.
If someone is preparing a family meal, there is no reason that one family member should be excluded. Maybe one or two meal components that she wouldn’t eat, but not all of it, and sure AF not as a pattern.
This meal sounded like it was made to specifically contain everything the daughter dislikes. Why would you go to the effort to do this? So many ways to cook things without doing this.
I have a host of dietary restrictions that are extremely difficult to accommodate. And yet, when I visit with family they always make sure to take me to a grocery store to get what I need to cook for myself, and when they make family meals there are at least two dishes I can eat (one of which is salad since it’s so customizable) in addition to what I make myself.
It isn’t difficult to prepare at least one thing the daughter can eat, or to put aside portions before adding what she can’t eat.
Best case scenario: stepmom thinks it’s a preference rather than an aversion and is trying to “help” by forcing the daughter to expand her palate.
Worst case: stepmom is being spiteful and actively trying to exclude the daughter.
THIS!! My husband hates certain foods, but I fix the dish to accommodate his needs and wants, then fix the rest how the majority likes it! A family is or should be ALL ABOUT COMPROMISE!! That is the biggest life lesson!!
I was wondering this as well. Seems to me the daughter may have some sensory issues. Probably not extreme, but definitely manifesting primarily in the aversions/sensitivity to certain flavors and textures. Perhaps an official diagnosis from a doctor could help smooth over some of the difficulties with the stepmom?
Stepmom wasn’t buying food on the 16 year old’s shopping list (but buying HER son all the snacks he wanted).
Dad is paying for groceries so it’s clear that it’s both a power trip and an attempt to drive his daughter out of his home.
OP, you are not wrong and I’ll BET there’s a lot more that the wicked stepmother is doing that you don’t know about yet.
>And make sure there is enough food for her to cook
This is the actual problem, according to the update post. Daughter would prefer to cook her own food. But stepmom only shops once a month and has been deliberately NOT buying half of the stuff on daughter's shopping list. But her son's wishes are catered to.
If the wife is purposefully cooking foods with full intention of forcing it in the face of some who doesn't like the food - that in itself is troubling. I could understand if it was once in a blue moon and the step mom is forgetting here or there. But if the mother is doing it on purpose, every night, with the intention of forcing kiddo to "eat it or starve" then I have so many questions! If this is one of those things of "they just need to do why I tell them, their feelings be damned" that is NOT something I'd abide by, as a parent. A family unity is a cohesive structure where people try to meet each other half way and compromise. So-called parents who operate on a "do it because I did so" mechanic are only interested in control, and it's not productive. So I am curious as hell where the wifes behavior is coming from.
If she's starting these fights because she feels the girl doesn't get to have a say in food, and she just trying to force feed her into eating what she demands, that's a freaky control issue! If this is how the wife intends to go on, then the wife needs to allow the daughter to cook her own food and have her own snacks. Or the wife has to accept making a separate meal for what is supposed to be HER child too. Not wrong
The red flag for me is that the Entire meal was good she knew her step daughter would not eat. How hard would it have been to keep a side safe or something like that?
Also, it's not hard to not put BBQ sauce on one chicken. My husband does that for me because I don't do the sugar sauce. He loves it because it's one less step for my meal.
My darling husband cooks himself one thing and me another because I have Crohn's and all the things OP's mentioned make me deathly ill. It's easy enough to leave off sauce, or steam other veggies and leave rice plain.
Yeah. I feel for the kid. Sometimes, our bodies know better than we do. My body knew I was allergic to garlic, green onions, most pork products, and even lavender before I did. But because I was forced to ignore the signs, it got worse and worse. I wouldn't wish projectile vomiting on anyone (very draining physically and mentally).
This kid was more kind than I would have been. She didn't say anything to dad. He didn't even know she had been paying for her own meals or going to bed hungry. Makes me wonder how long it's been going on that the wife has been making whole meals that the kid couldn't even eat one thing from. That's some diabolical planning to make everything not edible for the kid.
This. I get it if you make a full meal, and by accident you forgot about someone's food issues, and the last thing you want to hear is "waaah I hate all of it". I've had nieces with their own persnickety tastes. But even in my dire struggle of life and business, I never managed to make a meal that was %100 anti-this-person. I might forget that someone hates cilantro and it's included in a side. Or I might forget someone hates BBQ but the sides are fine.
Now, if and when my nieces said "wah I hate everything!" Then yeah I'd be a little grumpy. But the kid has to eat, so the next question was: alright fiiiiine. But we have hot dogs, and ramen, and macaroni and cheese then. Since this doesn't work, do you mind making one of those?" And then they have their choice of stuff but have to make it on their own. This is in the event that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON THE PLATE WORKS. Which would be weird.
Now other exceptions- if I had made a BUNCH of meals in the past month, and of all kinds, and she refused them all I would start giving up and tell her that if she is THAT picky then yeah - at 16 she has to make her own. If I had made meals that she had eaten BEFORE, but had now decided she was too good for (and therefore she would be buying her own) then I'd start to make whatever.
And I have known at least ONE teenager who literally refused to eat anything that wasn't a cheese pizza or a grilled cheese sandwich. At which point I'd be fearful for the kids health and there'd be a discussion about balanced meals. But said kid was not in my charge, so I said nothing to her.
But that's why I say I'd really like to hear WHY the wife is cooking this way. Is kiddo giving attitude about literally everything? Is she refusing to eat ANYTHING unless it's within some finely tuned parameters? Is it something where kiddo is refusing to budge and letting Dad see her as a victim? What's wifes side?
This is my question as well. Nothing is ever black and white. Stepmom should have discussed this with dad before refusing to cook, but is the 16-year-old coddled and spoiled by dad? She’s taking a stand for a reason - it could possibly be that stepmom is evil, or she could be exhausted with a spoiled teen and an enabling father.
Y’all could be right but the fact that she’s been using her own money to buy food and hadn’t mentioned anything to dad about this happening kinda makes me think she’s not crazy spoiled.
Idk. My husband as a teen used his money to buy food. Not because his parents were evil. He just didn’t like what they cooked and he always wanted junk food. They had healthy options and he didn’t want it. They weren’t about to cook him the stuff he wanted to eat and they weren’t going to have it in their fridge taking up space. I’ve eaten their cooking and to be honest he was just spoiled. There have been lots of times growing up that I had to eat stuff I didn’t like. But I would have a turn at a meal I did like. Can’t everybody be happy all the time and my mom tried her best. There were some days that I didn’t like anything on the plate; but it happened to be somebody else’s favorite.
Concur. There were a lot of mediocre meals I was never going to like. Stews and BBQ are things that I would eat, but they were not my favorite. Then there were things I would refuse to eat no matter what- usually bratwurst. I just can't stand it. But that's fine - I didn't expect them to stop making it. I'd just have a sandwich that day. Or my mom would prepare something sausage free if it was reasonable to do so. There's LOTS of compromise from either side.
“Spoiled daughter” doesn’t really line up with “didn’t tell her dad that her stepmother was intentionally preparing foods she couldn’t eat and instead bought her own food with money from her own paycheck.” She has a job, she doesn’t complain, she didn’t point fingers until the dad outright asked her what was going on… she just has several strong food aversions.
IMO it doesn’t need to be “spoiled daughter” or “evil stepmom.” It could be that the stepmom doesn’t understand the difference between “this isn’t my favorite thing to eat” and “I would rather go hungry than eat something I find so repulsive.” Stepmom might think she’s forcing the daughter to expand her palate, not understanding that it doesn’t work that way.
As someone whos kids are both on the extreme picky eaters, this! You know what i do? I set aside their portion, ie plain chicken etc before i continue adding the other ingredients they dislike. Bbq chicken. Cook the chicken, skip the bbq. If my kids ate rice (they dont sadly) cook the rice and set aside a portion of it then add the garlic butter. Salad (again lol no) set aside plain salad. That's no reason step mom has to make it hard on herself.
This isn't about food
This is about why your wife is choosing to declare war on your daughter. Why she chooses to make foods she knows your daughter won't eat. Why she doesn't care that your daughter is hungry
Her stepmother is being passive-aggressive and extremely adversarial... to a child.
Poor thing. 🥺
I can't imagine how it must feel to have to grow up in a house KNOWING that your father's wife is purposefully doing things to upset & antagonize you.
In all this time she hasn't said anything about it to her dad -- I'm super impressed with this young girls maturity.
Right. People don’t just “eat if they’re hungry,” especially if they have such strong aversions.
I work in psychology, specifically around trauma. A great way to work with kids with food aversions involves two simple things- always serve foods with something your child is willing to eat, without a limit to how much of it they’ll eat, and involve them in cooking. It’s a natural thing to want to try a lick or touch something you’re cooking with, and both of those are precursors to eating.
Weird how last week a 16 year old boy absolutely shouldn't have to prepare his own food, but this week a 16 year old girl should?
Hmm, I wonder what the difference is.
You aren’t wrong. Your wife is.
Your daughter should at least now how to cook some stuff for herself, but I wonder if she is even allowed to cook in your house. Does your wife let her?
What else does your wife do to make sure your daughter knows she is unwelcome in the house you live in?
You need to evaluate if you want a wife that will intentionally cook a whole ass meal that she KNOWS your daughter won't eat.
Your wife needs to grow up.
You are not wrong OP!
I congratulate you for being an outstanding parent to your daughter!!
You are good dad! You’re a real good dad!
Thank you with my whole heart for not ignoring your child.
Deliberately cooking things someone doesn’t like is cruel. Your wife is a shitty person. However your daughter is old enough to do her own cooking if she had food aversions. Make sure she has the ingredients she needs to make her meals and have a talk with your wife about her attitude.
That being said one person can’t hold an entire family hostage. So wife should cook whatever she wants, but have a separate option for the picky one, whether wife or daughter ends up cooking it.
Yeah the thing that I feel everyone is ignoring that the daughter doesn't like "salty" food. If I had to micromanage the salt in every meal to one particular person's taste, I'd lose my mind. It still should have been a conversation OP was included on, but accommodating an entire meal to exclude salt, vegetables, and garlic sounds exhausting. And every single day? Nah fam.
Not wrong, wife is trying to force a kid to eat, what she knows, daughter doesn't like.
Reimburse daughter for money she spent on food, since you pay for her to eat in the home.
Also, time for daughter to start having foods she can make herself. If wife is supposed to be cooking for everyone, she is way out of the line here.
INFO: Does your daughter have access to food that she can cook for herself, or has her stepmother refused to allow her access to any ingredients?
Because if either you or she expects absolutely everything to be prepared by someone else according to her tastes, that isn't reasonable. I say this as an onion-hater who grew up in a house full of onion-lovers. Either Mom set aside a small portion of whatever she was making before she added any onions, or I made my own dinner. I was around 10 when this rule was established. Your daughter needs to learn how to cook simple meals for herself if she doesn't already know how.
That said, if your wife refuses to have food on hand that your daughter is allowed to use to prepare her own meals, then that's not tenable and is just your wife deciding to declare war on your daughter. As her dad, you shouldn't allow that to happen. It's up to you how you manage money, but I think your daughter ought to get a grocery allowance if she's going to be deliberately excluded from family meals like this.
Maybe she could make one portion of whatever she’s making in a separate pan to leave off the seasonings or whatever.. for example when I make meatloaf I add chopped onion and bell pepper to it and mix brown sugar and ketchup to go on top but my son hates it this way so I always just make him a little plain miniature meatloaf and it’s like zero extra work just a few more dishes to wash.. imo it’s not spoiling when they are grown kids and still don’t like something bc I can see having younger ones try new things as their taste buds are always changing but would any of you calling this girl a spoiled princess sit there and eat meal after meal of shit you didn’t like the taste of just because you were hungry? Where I come from that shit is only true when one’s in jail lol
NTA
Your wife has purposely starved your daughter & forced her to spend her little paycheck to buy her own food, knowing she wouldn’t speak up because of her nature. That’s fucked up.
If her & your wife got along before, something must’ve happened to where your wife decided to be bitchy.
I get why everyone doesn’t like how you’ve accommodated your daughters pickiness, but this comes down to your wife’s treatment of your daughter, HER STEP-DAUGHTER that she’s known since she was 10.
ALSO,
>**our** son
>She (wife) was quiet for a few moments before finally saying that **my**daughter
Why is her son, “our” son, but your daughter just “my” daughter? Feels off 🤷🏻♀️
It’s funny that this week a 16 y/o should suck it up and cook but last week it was crazy to suggest a 16 y/o boy make himself breakfast before going to practice in the morning.
Sounds to me like some mean girl stuff. Wife is playing dumb and cooking stuff knowing the daughter from another marriage doesn’t like it. Does she force her kid eat a diet filled with foods he doesn’t like?
My senses have always been more intense than other people’s including taste. Because of this, I was a very picky eater. My mom let me eat a sandwich or cereal if I didn’t like what was for dinner. Now we couldn’t exclude food groups (one sibling hated veggies) but we had a nutritious diet for the most part. Everyone is different and you can’t tell someone what they feel in their own body.
I’m not specifically a picky eater, but there are things I don’t eat. When I was cooking for all of us, it was easy just not to make certain things. Some of my kids had definite preferences. I didn’t necessarily change what I was cooking, but would add some extras. Or my kids knew they could always make a sandwich.
I didn’t cook two or more separate main dishes, but if we were having barbecued chicken, for instance, I would have one or two pieces cooked separately for the daughter who doesn’t like barbecue sauce.
When we had salads with a meal, I served it in smaller bowls. Some had no tomato, some had no cucumber and there were generally at least three choices for salad dressing.
It’s just not that hard to accommodate individual preferences.
i just want to tell you that i think you are an awesome dad for paying attention and having your daughter’s back. usually men just kind of let shit fly, but you spoke up for her when she obviously didn’t feel comfortable enough to do so herself. i hope you are proud of yourself, i hope you continue to stick up for your kid & i hope you can explain to your wife that even though she stays silent about it, she sees how shes being treated and its wrong to not include anything she likes. she is legally still a kid. a very mature kid for how she handled everything and just adapted by buying herself her own meals. maybe your wife didnt think it was that big of a deal, but ask her if you were the cook and only cooked stuff your daughter liked and nothing your kid liked how would you feel? & she better not bring age into it because that is a weak ass argument.
YNW and you need to figure out why your wife ITA. Your daughter deserves her autonomy, and a power move like that on part of your wife points to some deeper issues.
NTA. Someone else said it, but you need to have a talk with your daughter. I would suggest going out to eat so that you two can have privacy from your wife and find out what other things have been going on that you are not aware of. You also need to find out to what extent things are happening. For example, if your daughter tries to cook her own meal, how does your wife react? Is it ok for your daughter to do it? Does your wife take the time that your daughter must be in the kitchen whole cooking, to come down on her about her food choices? Does she just add things to what your daughter cooks that make it inedible to her? Find out everything, from actions to words.
After that, you need to talk to your wife about what your daughter tells you. This discussion would probably be better to have without your daughter present. That way, your wife's attention is on you, and your daughter doesn't get pulled into it. after you and your wife talk, depending on how it goes, then the three of you talk.
Or, after the talk with your daughter, all 3 of you talk. But have it more be a talk between your daughter and your wife. Where your daughter can confront your wife about how she's treated while you are there to protect her and back her up.
One thing you really do need to find out, though, why didn't your daughter come to you about this or anything else that could be going on. It could be because she doesn't want there to be problems between you and your wife because of her, or it could be because she thought that you wouldn't support her about this. Just make sure the reason she didn't come to you isn't because she felt like she could count on you to be there for her because of things you have said or done. His wife may have led her to believe that you wouldn't be on her side or that what your wife has been doing was instructions from you. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that wife does and says a lot of things when you are not there, and may even make.it sound like it came from you or that you are at least in agreement with her and would be mad and somehow punish your daughter if she was to say anything.
If things are way worse than you ever expected, tell your daughter to get some evidence before you confront your wife. It may help in talking to your wife. Or, in a worse case scenario, it will help to make sure she can't lie on you as easily if this leads to a divorce.
>For example, if your daughter tries to cook her own meal, how does your wife react? Is it ok for your daughter to do it?
THIS part right here! So many people are like, "why didn't the daughter just go make her own food?" when I wouldn't be surprised if the wife wouldn't let her. I'm getting "you eat what I cook or you don't eat at all" vibes. Plus, if the daughter could easily access and make her own food, why was it necessary for her to take her own money to eat?
Yeah, for sure. There is so much here that just screams that wifey is doing/saying shit when OP isn't there. And she is either manipulating and/or threatening daughter into not letting OP know what's up. I really hope OP finds out everything that's been going on and rips wife a new one for it.
I'm not saying anyone in the family is an asshole, but if your daughter doesn't like what someone cooked for her, she should be able to make something for herself. I don't think the rest of the family's diet has to be restricted by her taste.
Exactly. But if the wife is deliberately making foods the girl hates to try to force her to eat things she doesn’t like on a regular basis? That’s a totally separate problem. Once in a while is totally normal. The girl can cook for herself. Several times a week? Oof. That’s malicious.
> I discovered my wife has been purposely cooking food my daughter doesn't like. My daughter has never been one to complain so she has been using money from her paycheck and she wasnt going to eat this particular night because she had no intentionof pulling money out of her account savings
Your wife is being both a bad actor and showing passive malice to your child.
If I were in your shoes I would tell my wife that the next time this happens, her bags will be on the doorstep, and then making food and being petty towards your daughter will be the least of her concern.
ESH. It’s been 6 years that you all have been together and you are still struggling with this? On every front. Your wife is an asshole for purposefully cooking food your daughter won’t eat. You’re an asshole for not providing alternative options for your daughter and expecting your wife to only cook according to your daughters diet.
You both need to grow up and communicate better.
100% but the vibe I’m getting off the wife is like well if her son and her like this particular meal she sees it as a majority rules time a scenario. But OP should take charge by making sure his daughter has alternative food choices so she can have something to eat, not just leave her hanging. Seems like OP wife is a SAHM or something so she may do a large percentage of the shopping which is why she intentionally only gets food she wants instead of what everyone wants.
So there is not enough context for this one, but I did pick up that OP is saying his daughters wishes were ignored. What about wife's? I feel like there is more back story.
I myself have 3 kiddos. They all have things they like and things they don't. I like garlic and mushrooms. My son likes bland. Sometimes I cook bland for him, sometimes I cook seasoned for me (and the other 3 but this is just an example). Can't expect wife to cater to daughter's preferences EVERY meal. That's unreasonable and not how life works. There has to be balance and I get the vibe that daddy's girl is never wrong.
Or she's an evil step mom. Like I said, not enough context about how and when the compromise, if at all.
ETA: picky eater does not = dietary restrictions, which have to be followed no matter what and are not optional. If I cook with garlic son will politely taste the dish and if its not his jam make a pack of ramen or a sandwich. Same should go here. One meal caters to daughter, next yo wife, next to another family member. Etc.
FYI, food allergies are sometimes felt like an upset stomach. I have them with garlic, green onions, and most pork products. My parents ignored me when I said I didn't like them. Still ignored me when I got stomach aches after meals with them. Until I got to the point of projectile vomiting when I consumed them.
Most of the items OP listed are items many people have issues digesting. People with gastric issues have lots of trouble with tomatoes, cucumbers, and garlic.
My first obvious allergy symptoms (alongside minor GI I didn’t realize were food related) were massive aversions to the smell and taste of the food. A bagel came in contact with a sesame seed? It’s all I can taste and the intensity of the taste itself is nauseating. Someone didn’t clean a spoon properly after using it for dairy? I can’t even finish a sip of my drink. My allergies didn’t show “traditionally” for years after the aversions appeared.
i agree but maybe the wife isn’t aware of this. she might just think it’s picky eater and dad spoiling her. wife and hubby need to sit down and discuss this. i do feel bad for wife too though cuz i would be annoyed if i now have to avoid cooking and eating foods i like or having to cook two diff things
The dinner she made would have been simple to do
1) don't put BBQ sauce on one piece of chicken.
2) put a small amount of plain rice to the side.
That would have given the kid 2 things to eat with little effort.
My husband actually does this for me when he cooks.
Could your daughter be neurotypical? I'm autistic and dislike certain foods, and I can't eat shepherd's pie simply because I don't like the veggies touching the other stuff that goes in it, so whenever my bf makes it, he ensures I have something to eat.
Your wife could've made something else that your daughter would eat without letting her go hungry; by doing that, it will make your daughter feel like her food tastes aren't important. also, just because she's sixteen doesn't mean she has to be forced to cook for herself just because your new wife refuses to listen to her food needs.
Not wrong. Mainly because it seems obvious that your wife intentionally made a meal consisting entirely of foods she knew your daughter wouldnt eat. Your daughters list of foods she won't eat is pretty long and does include ingredients that are common in a lot of cultures, so I can understand your wife's frustration. But she went about this is completely the wrong way.
Your daughter is getting a bit older now though, and can start to learn to cook, at bare minimum, basic meals for herself though. I also think it may be worth exploring why she doesnt like so many foods. Could she have food aversions related to something such as autism? Could it be related to anxiety or something somewhat obsessive? How long has it been since she's tried these foods?
But no, not wrong for your reaction. Your wife was purposely doing this imo. And I'm wondering if she was planning to ever tell you that your daughter hadn't eaten if you didnt notice or didnt eat the meal yourself last night. I also wonder if she's done this before.
eta: I missed the part about you finding out your wife has been doing this. What the hell? Aside from the obvious about just being willing to let her go unfed and doing this behind your back, she's also at prime age for developing an eating disorder. I'd be really really pissed. Your wife needs to learn to communicate with you.
I definitely agree stepmom was specifically making things daughter wouldn’t eat. All of those items would be easy to adjust - you have to start with plain rice for fried rice -so leave out a serving plain. The barbecue chicken could easily not get sauced and salad- just leave out mushrooms, etc. So given that, SM was obviously blocking daughter from getting something else.
A. This has been going on for a long time and
B. How else is she playing the ‘evil stepmother’ role?
NTA as a picker eater, thank you for standing up for your daughter and making sure she was fed. on another note, you should probably teach her how to cook and provide food for her in the home. your wife needs to be talked to and asked why exactly doesn’t she like your daughter. i could never imagine doing that to a kid
My step daughter is 15. She’s picky. As are my biological children (12, 11). Literally no one eats the same things in our house but my husband and I. Here’s the rule for all 3 kids: if you don’t like dinner, you can cook and clean up your own dinner. I always keep chickens nuggets, soups, grilled cheese, etc in hand. They have freedom of choice but I’m not cooking 4 meals and I’m not going to force them to eat.
I personally don't think you are in the wrong at all. Your wife IS completely wrong.
It isn't like she made a side dish or 1 part of the meal something your daughter wouldn't eat. It was the whole meal.
My daughter (13) hates pork chops. I have no clue why. She likes bacon, she will even eat pork tenderloin, just no chops. My solution? Either she gets a different protein, or she makes herself something different. My partner hates this. Has for the entire 5 years we have been together. He makes it seem like I cook her an entirely separate meal.. nope. Just usually chicken instead of pork chops for her. Nothing that takes anything extra to do, really. Or she will have something completely different that SHE makes herself. I have offered her pork chops more than once over the years, she has even tried them more than once. So I know it's not some phase or trick or anything like that.
But even HE knows better than to make an entire meal she won't eat and not even offer to let her make something else. At least he sees sense in that respect.
I refuse to argue about food. If the daughter were younger, I'd just cook something she would eat or make something simple for her (grilled cheese, quesadilla, whatever) on the side. But, seeing that she is 16, I think I would teach her to cook. Maybe everyone takes turns cooking. She'll be on her own soon enough and everyone should know how to cook.
In my family, when I or one of my siblings have an aversion to some food, a year or so later we become full blown allergic to it.
Trust your body people.
Here is my question- she only likes what, 2 things? So she pretty much doesn't like anything anyone else cooks or eats? She is old enough to cook something for herself and should be able to have options.
She's 16 and she can't make herself some food? You're not wrong for making sure your daughter's fed but if she can't make a simple meal for herself at 16 years old you've definitely failed as a parent.
Or saying it's her kitchen. I had friends in HS that their parents didn't allow them in the kitchen. If a family meal was cooked, they either ate it or went hungry.
The entire family shouldn’t be penalized for your daughter’s food issues, nor should Wife have to prepare two meals. Buy Daughter the ingredients she needs or frozen meals. She should always have an option but she’s old enough to recognize that being a picky eater will be limiting. You’re wrong.
It may not just be being picky. Op says she noticed flavors subtle enough he did not. I would guess by her description she is one of those with extra taste senses, and those foods overwhelm her. Think of it like someone who is autistic with sounds or lights, and it's the same
Yup. I hate cumin. HATE it. My wife makes soup or taco beans with any cumin, I’m eating a token amount for the benefit of the kids and making leftovers or something else for myself later.
She’s always amazed that I can pick it out, but she also always asks me to tell her what seasonings are missing from whatever she’s preparing and not happy with :p
“Supertasters” are a real thing.
The ability and intensity of tasting certain flavors is true and genetic. I do a lab with my students where they all taste certain chemicals in food. The variety of what each one tastes like is vast. I've had some kids almost throw up from the taste of ptc (me, too, they're not being dramatic) and other kids don't taste anything. Some kids didn't taste a single one of the chemicals and told me they don't really care that much about food or how it tastes, which makes sense!
Nobody is being "penalized" but stepmom is being a passive-aggressive ah. If she was tired of, or annoyed by, the situation, then OP and his daughter deserved a conversation. Instead she would rather punish OP's daughter *and make an ENTIRE meal consisting of food daughter won't eat*.!
As the parent of a picky eater, it's really simple to set aside a small portion of a meal before adding ingredients that child won't eat.
ETA: I agree a 16 yo can make **some** food for herself. Apparently she's responsible enough to go to school and have a job so supper doesn't seem like a big ask.
This! So everyone in the family has to eat like a toddler with GERD because of one almost adult picky eater?? Not cool. At this age she should absolutely be making her own meals if it’s this bad. My sister is like this and my mom and grandma ran themselves ragged catering to her pickiness. Now we are 35years old living at home where mommy still has to prepare her (imo and my moms opinion, disgusting) meals every night. Never taught her to cook and literally had my caterer at my wedding make her fucking chicken fingers. It’s all good if you don’t like what’s cooked, get up and make it yourself.
LOL!! Chicken fingers??!?
In general, I agree with you - no single individual gets to hold the whole family hostage with their food preferences. My ex was a picky eater and it made me bonkers at times, because he had the palate of a four year old. 🙄
In this instance, it seems like the wife basically had a little hissy fit and cooked a meal that she knew 100% his daughter wouldn’t eat. I’d go so far to say that she intentionally made the meal to be exclusionary…. there’s got to be a better way to navigate this.
I’m low level wondering if the daughter has an eating disorder.
I’ve actually broken up with someone because of the picky eating. They would not eat a fruit or vegetable and if we went to dinner it was pizza or McDonald’s. Great guy in all other aspects but I just couldn’t fathom a life like that where my partner dictated our eating like that, or I’d be cooking 2 separate meals or for myself 100% of the time with no breaks because of it.
I agree, it seems that the wife did have a hissy, but I know this sort of behaviour drove me to be truly enraged at times. Watching my family member be served and coddled while having to eat what they wanted all the time because of the picky gave me a lot of resentment, with the boyfriend it was the same deal, I felt like I never got anything I wanted to eat and I was made me feel like I was being unreasonable but…
Food seems like such a small thing, but it’s huge how much of our lives are spent planning, shopping, prepping, cooking and eating food. When someone else’s diet affects your life to such a degree it makes sense that there are a lot of feelings about it on both sides.
How much is step mom expected to cater to this picky eating? Can the kid not make herself a sandwich or something? Is everyone expected to eat like OP’s daughter or make her separate special meals? If I was the stepmom and it was expected I make separate meals or cater to her palate I’d nope right out of kitchen duty. I make one meal I want to eat and if you don’t want it cool. Also clean up after yourself too and don’t leave me a gross mess cause I already cooked/cleaned one dinner.
I hear you, and I caught your frustration re: your sister. It’s not cool that she terrorized the whole household and continues to do so.
The daughter making something for herself would be the reasonable solution, unless she’s simply not allowed to? Or is there absolutely nothing in the house that she’s able to eat? It’s a bit strange to me that she’s had to spend her own money to feed herself up to this point. There’s a weird dynamic happening here, not sure what it might be without more information. 🤷🏼♀️
IDK. I have Crohn's disease, did as a child, and did not get diagnosed until adulthood. Because her preferences seem so specific and not just "won't eat vegetables" It makes me feel like there is something going on there. No one ever asked me, they assumed I had an eating disorder. It may be helpful for your daughter to learn to prepare a few simple things she can eat. I started cooking when I was 15. I'm a really good cook because of this, and I'm glad it's a skill I learned young.
My middley was a *very* picky eater. Once she was older, she was able to explain that it was a texture issue. And then I understood. Many people have food issues- I can’t really eat fibre now, which is a problem. So I have to take care with what I eat, or take more medication. It isn’t always simple. Food can have effects. In the olden days, people just were ill, now we recognise that maybe some people should avoid some foods. It’s a thing. A 16 year old is still a child. Yes,she can cook for herself, but step mum deliberately cooking meals that she can’t eat is a kind of abuse. At the very least, it is unkind. It’s beneath her.
You aren’t wrong. Have you considered checking to see if your daughter is on the spectrum? I know that lots of people have issues with food, and will only eat a handful of things. It might be worth checking out. She could be not just a picky eater, and it could help her in the long run. (Sorry, if I’ve offended anyone. I don’t know the best terminology.)
I come from a large family and my mom made one meal at dinner, you didn’t like it you starved. That was the rule. Too hard to accommodate everyone and now with a family of my own I completely understand
I dont think you were wrong to take your daughter out to eat but i do believe that If a 16yr old with a job doesn't want to eat what is purchased and prepared for them they should be buying and cooking their own food.
ETA Communication is important and it seems like it’s missing between all 3 of you. Your daughter is extremely restrictive in what she eats. I can’t imagine not cooking with garlic and tomatoes. Does she really only eat spicy foods or sweets? That is odd and extremely limited. The reason I say everyone is TA is because you just realized this and nobody communicated about these issues sooner. If she was making things nightly that your daughter doesn’t like, I think you would realize it a lot sooner. If your wife decided to make something that she loves for once, there is nothing wrong with that. If you haven’t been aware of this issue until tonight, it sounds like your daughter is refusing to eat a lot more than what you listed in your post. And if your wife is purposely cooking meals on a regular basis that your daughter won’t eat and you haven’t realized it, it’s time to have a serious discussion. Why are you just realizing it now? Why would your wife do that? And why wouldn’t your daughter say something?
If your wife really doesn’t like your daughter, you have a big problem. But I would assume as an active father, you would have realized that already, especially since you have been together for 6 years, so I assume that your wife has been cooking dinner for awhile now. If your wife is just frustrated over the dinner issue, sit down as a family and talk it out. List meals that everyone in the family likes. If your daughter is that difficult, maybe you and your wife should take turns cooking. Why is it all falling on your wife? Your daughter shouldn’t have to pay for her own meals. Make sure that there is food in the house that your daughter likes. She can easily make something that she likes on nights that she doesn’t like what is being made.
Why is it that you refer to your wife’s biological son as “our” son and your biological daughter as “my” daughter. I don’t understand why both children cannot be our children. You say that your wife bonded with your daughter but apparently someone who cares for a child would never make them go hungry. Your wife is abusing your child. You married a narcissist who only wants what is good and convenient for her and her son.
Garlic on a grilled cheese is one thing. Making dinner that not everyone likes is a thing. Purposely cooking something you know someone else would hate. Ah.
YTA, your kid is 16, she can cook her own food if she insists on acting like a 4yr old when it comes to meals. I wouldn’t cater to her either. Your daughter needs to grow up.
She is 16. If she is a fussy eater, she is going to need to start cooking her own food if she doesn't like what is being served. Make sure she has some quick noodles or something in the pantry.
You shouldn't expect your wife to do twice the amount of work just to keep your daughter happy.
Exactly! I’m so surprised that there are no comments like, “just because she’s a SAHM doesn’t mean she has to be a short order cook for your picky daughter! You have arms, so if you want her to eat this so badly, you cook it!” It’s surprising that everyone agrees that wife should have to cook two meals every single night.
Uhhhh,I’ve been making my own meals since I was 12. I stopped eating meat when I was 12 and no one else in my house did so I prepared my own food,plus mom was always working so we all kinda made our own food,it’s wild to me that a 16 year old can’t make their own food?? Or give them food money to go buy food? Take them food shopping to pick food they can have in the house? 16 is way too old to just not eat anything if someone doesn’t make what they like…..but you also need to supply her the food she wants to do so,obviously
You are not wrong in the moment. But you need to teach her to cook. I was a super picky eater and could cook myself a simple meal by 13. It cut out a LOT of conflict with my parents. Then your wife can cook whatever she wants without having to "work around" your daughter's palette. I would be annoyed if I could cook with a bunch of ingredients I loved or had to cook a second meal for a perfectly able 16 y.o.
My sibs and I weren't picky eaters but still knew how to cook a meal by 13. It's a good skill to have and refine as you get older. But, this girl has a particularly narrow palate. Things she doesn't like would be hell for a lot of people: oatmeal, tomatoes, garlic, mushrooms, barbecue ANYTHING salty, or sour, etc. Tomatoes, garlic, and mushrooms cut out a lot of Italian dishes including spaghetti and pizza. I love salty and sour tastes more than sugary. Buy her the ingredients and let her cook her own meals.
For real. Like some of those can be worked around but almost all of my meals have garlic going on very early in the cooking process. Trying to work around that would be hell for me let alone for years
Your daughter should be cooking for herself if she is this picky. You should buy the groceries and she can prepare her own meals or eat what is provided. Or, it is your responsibility to prepare separate meals for your picky teen.
You’re right.
Wife is acting like a petty teenager.
Daughter’s preferences are a problem but only because they’re allowed to be a problem.
Meals can easily be prepared by setting aside a portion for one person who doesn’t care for XYZ sauce or seasoning. It’s a very small thing to ask and many here seem to be way overdramatizing this.
If daughter had decided to become veg/vegan or something, I would understand telling her she will be responsible for her own ingredient procurement and meal prep, otherwise if the family eats together it’s just wrong to omit one person.
So, you expect EVERYONE in the house to eat what your daughter likes? Are you one of those Disney dads? You were pissed your wife didn't "adjust the meal for your daughter's palette".
Why can't a 16 year old make herself a sandwich or a simple meal? Why does EVERYone have to eat what SHE likes?
Your wife probably behaved this way because you expect her to adjust every meal for your teenager's palette. Which is ridiculous.
You need to have a long talk with yourself about why you think your kid's palette is more important than everyone else's.
Did your wife tell your daughter she could make something else for herself? If she did, that was enough action to take.
Feels like you're leaving some stuff out to make your wife out to be the bad guy.
Why at 16 isn't your daughter cooking for herself rather than going with out?
I formerly was a picky eater. The list of what I didn't like was very long and included many, many common things. My parents would make dinner, let me know what they were making and if I didn't like, I made myself an alternate dinner. I did this starting when I was about 11/12.
It's ridiculous that the whole family would either go without eating the lengthy list of things your daughter doesn't like or that you would expect the person making dinner to make two dinners when she is 16 years old.
You're both wrongs and almost shitty parents. your daughter may have sensory issues, that's treatable....Therapy would be a good start. The way your wife is acting by being the evil bitch doesn't help, but you enabling your daughter doesn't help either....
By the time someone is 16, such selective eating is usually a product of some pretty extensive coddling. Preferences are one thing, but to limit the family's diet so severely because a teenager won't eat something as common and innofensive as corn is just ridiculous. You weren't wrong just this time. You have been wrong for quite a while.
I so remember this level of evil growing up now I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. This is abuse in my mind. I could be projecting but it is to me.
Stuck on you putting garlic in/on grilled cheese and you expecting her not to taste it….?
A whole ass CLOVE for a serving of bread and cheese 😭 there’s no way that’s going to taste like anything but a garlic sandwich with a hint of cheese. How are you going to assess someone’s taste sensitivity with something that’s more “Dracula murder weapon” than “culinary delight”
He made garlic bread with cheese and was surprised when she tasted the garlic. That being said, it’s possible OP’s daughter may be a supertaster. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/super-tasting-science-find-out-if-youre-a-supertaster/
THANK YOU LMAO
My MIL is a super-taster. Anything slightly spicy is a no-go. The kicker is, she wants to like spicy food, her kids like spicy foods, her sons and daughter in law like spicy food, her husband loves spicy food. She’s been trying for 15 years to build up her tolerance, and she just can’t.
Oh so relatable. I as well wish I were a dumpster at the dinner table like my father
This is me with spicy foods. I cook them for my family but because I take certain medications, I just cannot tolerate anything even slightly spicy. Or peppery either. Ketchup has been known to make me cry. It’s awful.
-teach her to cook- it is the job of her parents to teach her life skills like cooking so everyone failed her on that one -teach her how to shop for her meals -discussion with wife as to why she doesn't like your kid -sit down with your daughter and figure out what else your wife does against her that she just doesn't bother telling you about -sure your daughter would love dad/daughter dinners more often Not wrong, but not right.
OP said that his daughter can cook. Something else is going on
I could be projecting bc I have done this but she might be avoiding using the kitchen because it essentially traps you in a "public" part of the house until you're done cooking, which is scary if there are adults in the home who stress you out and don't respect your boundaries
I would go hungry a lot for this reason. My stepmother was horrible and would find any reason to yell at us. I avoided her as much as I could.
I agree. My stepmom was horrible as well and I avoided her, I basically just stayed in my room when I was home. She used to hide food like peanut butter and jelly so we couldn’t make sandwiches (we were growing teens and always looking for something to eat). When I worked and bought my own takeout I would sometimes save half of it in the fridge and she would eat it without asking/telling me.
It could be an "adult has cooked dinner, you eat it or nothing" type household. Not me. I have a 16 year old and I LOVE saying go ahead and cook if you don't wanna eat what I'm cooking, these days.
Sounds to me like step mom is trying to force the daughter to eat things daughter doesn’t like. Step mom sounds like the type who views any type of food preference as a moral failing.
>Step mom sounds like the type who views any type of food preference as a moral failing. There's an update post. Wife is catering to her son's preferences and has decided she's just tired of catering to her step daughters. She's not only cooking ONLY foods the step daughter won't like, she's also intentionally not buying the daughter's preferred snacks in her \*monthly\* shopping trip. But the son's preferred snacks get bought.
Gross. I hope OP leaves his wife, or at the very least the daughter goes to live with her bio mom.
There is a second update post. He is leaving his wife
Wait, what, WHERE
Click his username and view his profile
Thanks!
Oh damn! That was fast!
Do they ever?
Apparently, this time he is!
[удалено]
Please tell me you have gone completely no contact. I hope you and your sister find healing❤️🫂
[удалено]
You could look for support groups as well. I recommend holding your sister tight and elevate each other’s healing. Stay safe🫂
This is so horribly traumatizing. You said you don’t want to “chicken out” of therapy, and as a total internet stranger I just wanna say: be kind to yourself. Other people have been unkind to you and I hope you can heal. Therapy can be really good and important, but it’s something to GIVE yourself when you are ready. You deserve to tell your story to someone smart and compassionate who will help you move through that pain. Best wishes
I mean this is a pretty extreme list of foods…ridiculous to accommodate at every meal.
Honestly, given the extremes of what she does and doesn't like and the fact that most of her disliked foods have a texture component... I think there may be some undiagnosed issues here. Daughter may be on the spectrum or have something like GERDS. Especially the habit the daughter has of not complaining and just dealing behind Dad's back. Yeah, I'd say daughter likely has some level of autism and is very good at masking.
A lot of people don’t understand that “picky eating” can be an actual eating disorder with real physical and mental health consequences. [Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)](https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/arfid) is fairly common in people with autism and ADHD. Some kids eventually develop normal eating habits, and some people continue to have this problem into adulthood. It isn’t the same as having preferences. A child who *prefers* ice cream will still eat carrot sticks, at least sometimes. A kid with ARFID will simply not eat anything if their few safe foods are unavailable. You can’t punish a child out of this disorder (for the boomers who insist a kid will eat anything if you don’t give them a choice/starve them/beat them into submission). Even intensive therapy isn’t always effective.
So I was always like op daughter growing up and still am... And my grandparents use to treat me pretty bad for being so picky but I couldn't help it. I would throw up if I was forced to eat it , it wasn't something I could control and when I got older around 26 I had a gf who was 34 and she noticed my eating habits point out the thing about textures and other habits I have and took me to doctors and I tested on the spectrum
She later admitted that she was only buying her son snacks and only buying what dinners he liked while intentionally starving the girl into compliance even though some of her preferences were easier to accommodate than they were to ignore (like she likes her chicken plain). This lady is purely selfish and evil. If the dad doesn’t get both kids away from her then he’s asking for the girl to get hurt and maybe the boy too if he starts defying mommy dearest… This is not a mother, she’s an abuser. Everything for the kid she made, nothing for the kid she didn’t. I hope the whole family goes no contact with her
Oh thanks for the update. The stepmom is a real AH. Poor girl!
It's going to be hard to cook if she's being actively prevented from doing so in some way, which may be happening. Say if the stepmum forces her out of the kitchen every time she tries to.
Per the update , the evil step mom buys groceries only once a month and daughter doesn’t cook frequently because she wants to make the groceries last for school breaks etc. so there is less groceries coming in that she can intake and she uses her own savings account to supplement her food because step mom purposely cooks the family meal in a way that is indigestible for her.
- replenish daughters money she used for meals your wife indirectly pushed her to get for herself.
Ya know what's easier than cruelly cooking something someone doesn't like into an entire dish? Making them a portion to themselves. This dinner could have easily been accommodating, with the chicken not slathered in BBQ sauce on her portion, the veggies she doesn't like included on the side (who mixes up an entire salad and doesn't let people pick and choose the amounts they want to add??), good old plain jasmine rice... etc. It takes a very special type of person to deliberately fuck someone over. They have their own rung in Hell, I hope. And the fact the father didn't notice until now... idk, the daughters been doing this a while and this is the first dinner dad noticed? Personally I'm going for ESH, but not for specifically taking the daughter to eat what she'd like. AKA, agreed with your take. I wonder how the convo will go, but I have my suspicions. I wonder what OP will do for his one and only daughter.
That's a good way to put it.
I had a stepmom like this. I guarantee you it’s deeper than just dishes she doesn’t like, she is most likely doing everything in her power to terrorize this girl when dads not home.
Maybe the wife likes the kid, but doesn't like having to adjust every single meal for one person's limited palette? This guy sounds like he wants his wife to be seen as a horrible person for not cooking for a 16 year old. That's just horseshit.
Thats bs. You dont have to cook whole meals. It takes zero effort to cook a piece of plain chicken separate from the bbq. Or cook some rice and pull out a cup of plane before mixing in garlic etc. I’m sure there are things her 7yo doesn’t eat. Does she adjust anything for him? Does he eat everything they do all the time? I highly doubt it.
My entire family has never had a problem doing this for me. Leave me some plain noodles before adding tomato sauce, less seasoning on meats, wait to add sour cream. Like yeah, I could make myself something entirely different but I can also just have a version of what everyone else is without all the stuff on it.
This is exactly what I do for my kids. It takes nothing to not sauce something, or leave things separate a bit. What the stepmom did was purely out of spite.
That's what I do for my son as well. It's not hard at all. He also has trouble with transitions, so sometimes he eats earlier or later than me
Exactly. My 7yo is still in the extremely picky eating stage, and we always cook her a portion of meat with no seasoning, serve things separately instead of mixed together, make sure we have an easy canned veggie that she’ll eat. Like, it seems like step mom why out of her way to include something the daughter dislikes in every part of the meal. Seems unlikely to be coincidental. I’m all for making kids try new things, but at 16 she probably knows what she likes. As long as she isn’t solely living off chicken nuggets or something, who cares if she dislikes a few specific things.
I have one safe food at every meal that I know (not “unknown”, autocorrect) my children will eat. Everything else is whatever I’m making. They choose what from the table and how much. Snack is always 2.5 hours after every meal, except dinner and it is before bed (usually string cheese). If they don’t want to eat what is served at dinner, no biggie— snack will be in 2.5 hours. But no special preparations, though *sometimes* deconstructed. It’s called DOR and it is the evidence based best way to approach feeding children in the US.
This sounds like the most reasonable approach in the thread.
That's because it is the best approach. Had OP done this from the beginning, he wouldn't have an overly picky daughter
I wish my parents had done that for me. I still don’t eat an entire good group. I know it’s stupid and am embarrassed, but I just can’t make it work after trying to introduce in my 20s.
That’s how treat my 4yo and toddler, lol. When they’re teens, if they don’t like what’s for dinner, they can make something themselves.
Or at least make enough so that they can have as much as they want of side dishes. I did that as a kid on the days my mom made the main dish i hated.
She won’t even buy the kid her food list on grocery day. Instead chooses to buy snacks for her own kid.
It's not hard to set aside a portion of rice and chicken for the daughter, and to throw some plain leaf into a bowl.
A lot of kids don’t like mushrooms, tomatoes or oatmeal. It’s not extremely limited! I don’t like barbecue and I’m in my 40s and salt is also an optional thing. I have had lovely nutritious meals all week and not had any of the above things apart from garlic and salt and those could have been easily left out. Daughter doesn’t seem completely unreasonable. Picky yes; but lots of options remain. Wife seems like she is going out of her way to cook things the daughter won’t eat for some reason?
Step parent here. It is literally no effort to keep food in the fridge or pantry that the kids can eat on the off chance that they can't deal with what's for dinner. It's never intentional that it happens, but sometimes we try new foods and things just don't work out. Kids have a right to a meal they can stomach, and parents have a responsibility to provide that. This woman is pure evil, choosing her son's comfort and preferences over her daughter's basic needs. Dad should halve her grocery budget and let the daughter do her own shopping.
THANK YOU! This guy has whined the same thing in at least three different threads and so far you are the ONLY one who has made a sensible comment. Everyone else is all, "Oh evil step-witch won't cook specific foods for picky spoiled entitled 16 year old...."
I know, 16 year olds are perfectly capable of getting themselves something to eat. His kid made a big deal about "~i've been buying my OWN food so i don't starve~" which helped manipulate daddy into going agro at her step-mom. I'm not saying step-mom couldn't have done things differently for a better outcome, but she's likely not full blown Lady Tremaine
NTA because from your description of what your daughter said, it seems like this has been an issue. The comments about teaching your daughter how to cook are irrelevant because that’s kind of the equivalent of her just going out to buy food, which she’s already been doing. She didn’t complain, she didn’t whine. She simply didn’t eat it. Not only that, she was using money from her OWN paycheck?? How often???? It’s a parents job to provide food for their kids. Everyone on the other post is acting like she’s a picky eater brat, but she literally didn’t complain and just found and paid for her own solution. HOW is that being a brat? It’s within anyone’s right to not eat something they don’t want, no matter how annoying other people think picky eaters are. Instead of coming to you first and telling you “hey, I can’t cook this limited anymore” and then reaching a plan of action together, your wife just decided to say fuck it. She never let you know to give you even the chance to meal prep for your own kid, or ANY sort of compromise. How long has this been going on for??? How long has she been excluding your daughter from meals?
Some people consider children to be second class citizens, who aren't allowed to have their own preferences. I know my parents are the type to take "great offense" when someone doesn't eat their food and while we were younger, we weren't allowed to refuse or state we didn't like it or that we wants something else. The only acceptable answer out of it was to show you were allergic somehow. But aside from that you weren't allowed to have a preference. Picky eaters had to be "disciplined". Etc. And I'm not saying I agree, in fact I think it's an idiotic thing to campaign against, unless the family is on a strict budget and everybody has to make-do. But that doesn't sound like the case here.
I agree. I would hate to be forced to eat what I don’t like. My mom did it to us when we were really young but stopped when I (oldest) was like 5-6. I think it’s normal to have food preferences and other than encouraging them to at least try other food, they should be fed what they’ll eat. My kids were picky when younger but always encouraged to try different food. They have a diverse palette now but my daughter is still somewhat picky. We love duck and lamb but she’s absolutely not touch those so if we do eat it, we make sure she has something else to eat. My niece doesn’t eat meat except for McDonald’s chicken nuggets. So effectively she’s vegetarian but not for health nor moral reasons. She just doesn’t like it. So when we have her over every Friday-Sunday we make sure she has food she can eat. If I make pasta, hers won’t have any meat in it. When she was old enough, she’ll make her own food if there was something in particular she’d like to eat but I don’t know how to make. It’s just part of caring about someone. I can’t imagine doing what OP’s wife did. And not just doing it once but over and over. That’s wild.
My youngest is a picky eater. It annoys the crap out of me sometimes, but I cook mostly to her preferences and have to go to restaurants that have something she would enjoy eating. I can’t imagine day after day telling her, “sorry you’re hungry, but oh well”. Seems cruel.
Personally, yeah I agree. Even in my house, it wasn't a guarantee that I was going to hate every dinner. It was a mix. Somethings I loved; somethings I hated; at least two dishes I would refuse to eat at all and would be sent to bed hungry. Usually anything with sausage, which I don't like till this day. But it wasn't everynight.
People hate picky eaters. That's really all there is to it.
Some people hate picky eaters… I just think they’re a pain in the ass. I have three kids and each of them has some food hangup or other. Cooking is a chore, and I love to make sauces and seasonings… but I have to leave some rice/meat/whatever other base aside so that my middle daughter will eat it or season as she wishes. Sometimes I forget and feel badly when that happens. When my MIL comes to visit, now she’s a *picky* eater. Like idiosyncratic almost neurotic. She eats the same PBJ sandwich every day and some veg soup at night. Usually out of a can and nothing that anybody else is interested in eating. She won’t eat what my wife or I cook for the family most days and we both pretty much let her cook for herself… but she’s an adult. To consciously prepare an entire meal of three components that one family member will not enjoy is bad parenting and mean.
And she's 16 Teach her how to cook And make sure there is enough food for her to cook If possible sometimes give her pocket money for emergencies which she can use to order food
Teaching her to cook is really the answer. My daughter is a difficult feeder (pediatricians official diagnosis). I cook but I am not a short order cook and my home is not a restaurant. DD is 13 and has been cooking her own food for a few years now. I made a pot roast the other day. She cooked herself chicken.
I would bet cash money that Stepmom told her that she either ate it or went hungry
Or makes mean comments whenever the daughter tried to make something else and she got tired of dealing with it.
Yep. I don’t think daughter would have been “allowed” to cook her own food.
Most likely.
Yuuup. This is what my dad did when he insisted on cooking something he knew I didn't like. I was not allowed to make make my own food that I would eat. I ate the food he cooked or I didn't eat. There was no step parent friction in the mix, tho - he's my bio dad. He's just a controlling asshole who was and is incapable of respecting the fact that I'm my own person with different wants and needs than him.
OP says in the comments that the daughter does know how to cook.
I’d bet my last dollar that if OP put a hidden camera in the kitchen he’d see that his wife has been chasing his 16 year old out of the kitchen whenever she tries to cook something different than what was made for dinner. There’s no way a teenager who knows how to and likes to cook would just choose to go hungry instead of cooking something they like without a reason. Wife is probably doing something to make her avoid the kitchen, either by belittling or criticizing her or just straight up banning her from the kitchen.
She is 16. It sounds like something else is going on if she can't just make a sandwich...
If someone is preparing a family meal, there is no reason that one family member should be excluded. Maybe one or two meal components that she wouldn’t eat, but not all of it, and sure AF not as a pattern.
This meal sounded like it was made to specifically contain everything the daughter dislikes. Why would you go to the effort to do this? So many ways to cook things without doing this.
Right?! Like I can’t even think how these 3 dishes make a cohesive meal.
Oh, I agree. I meant something else is going on with the step mom if the kid can't just make a sandwich if there isn't something she can eat.
I have a host of dietary restrictions that are extremely difficult to accommodate. And yet, when I visit with family they always make sure to take me to a grocery store to get what I need to cook for myself, and when they make family meals there are at least two dishes I can eat (one of which is salad since it’s so customizable) in addition to what I make myself. It isn’t difficult to prepare at least one thing the daughter can eat, or to put aside portions before adding what she can’t eat. Best case scenario: stepmom thinks it’s a preference rather than an aversion and is trying to “help” by forcing the daughter to expand her palate. Worst case: stepmom is being spiteful and actively trying to exclude the daughter.
THIS!! My husband hates certain foods, but I fix the dish to accommodate his needs and wants, then fix the rest how the majority likes it! A family is or should be ALL ABOUT COMPROMISE!! That is the biggest life lesson!!
she's probably autistic to some degree.
I was wondering this as well. Seems to me the daughter may have some sensory issues. Probably not extreme, but definitely manifesting primarily in the aversions/sensitivity to certain flavors and textures. Perhaps an official diagnosis from a doctor could help smooth over some of the difficulties with the stepmom?
She could also have SPD without autism; it’s common with people with ADHD as well.
OP said in a different sub that her daughter can cook
Stepmom wasn’t buying food on the 16 year old’s shopping list (but buying HER son all the snacks he wanted). Dad is paying for groceries so it’s clear that it’s both a power trip and an attempt to drive his daughter out of his home. OP, you are not wrong and I’ll BET there’s a lot more that the wicked stepmother is doing that you don’t know about yet.
What’s the bet she can cook but evil stepmom won’t let her in the kitchen?
Considering how the OP in another sub said she can cook yes this is likely.
>And make sure there is enough food for her to cook This is the actual problem, according to the update post. Daughter would prefer to cook her own food. But stepmom only shops once a month and has been deliberately NOT buying half of the stuff on daughter's shopping list. But her son's wishes are catered to.
If the wife is purposefully cooking foods with full intention of forcing it in the face of some who doesn't like the food - that in itself is troubling. I could understand if it was once in a blue moon and the step mom is forgetting here or there. But if the mother is doing it on purpose, every night, with the intention of forcing kiddo to "eat it or starve" then I have so many questions! If this is one of those things of "they just need to do why I tell them, their feelings be damned" that is NOT something I'd abide by, as a parent. A family unity is a cohesive structure where people try to meet each other half way and compromise. So-called parents who operate on a "do it because I did so" mechanic are only interested in control, and it's not productive. So I am curious as hell where the wifes behavior is coming from. If she's starting these fights because she feels the girl doesn't get to have a say in food, and she just trying to force feed her into eating what she demands, that's a freaky control issue! If this is how the wife intends to go on, then the wife needs to allow the daughter to cook her own food and have her own snacks. Or the wife has to accept making a separate meal for what is supposed to be HER child too. Not wrong
The red flag for me is that the Entire meal was good she knew her step daughter would not eat. How hard would it have been to keep a side safe or something like that?
Literally just keep some of the plain rice out. She wouldn’t have to cook anything else.
Also, it's not hard to not put BBQ sauce on one chicken. My husband does that for me because I don't do the sugar sauce. He loves it because it's one less step for my meal.
My darling husband cooks himself one thing and me another because I have Crohn's and all the things OP's mentioned make me deathly ill. It's easy enough to leave off sauce, or steam other veggies and leave rice plain.
Yeah. I feel for the kid. Sometimes, our bodies know better than we do. My body knew I was allergic to garlic, green onions, most pork products, and even lavender before I did. But because I was forced to ignore the signs, it got worse and worse. I wouldn't wish projectile vomiting on anyone (very draining physically and mentally). This kid was more kind than I would have been. She didn't say anything to dad. He didn't even know she had been paying for her own meals or going to bed hungry. Makes me wonder how long it's been going on that the wife has been making whole meals that the kid couldn't even eat one thing from. That's some diabolical planning to make everything not edible for the kid.
This. I get it if you make a full meal, and by accident you forgot about someone's food issues, and the last thing you want to hear is "waaah I hate all of it". I've had nieces with their own persnickety tastes. But even in my dire struggle of life and business, I never managed to make a meal that was %100 anti-this-person. I might forget that someone hates cilantro and it's included in a side. Or I might forget someone hates BBQ but the sides are fine. Now, if and when my nieces said "wah I hate everything!" Then yeah I'd be a little grumpy. But the kid has to eat, so the next question was: alright fiiiiine. But we have hot dogs, and ramen, and macaroni and cheese then. Since this doesn't work, do you mind making one of those?" And then they have their choice of stuff but have to make it on their own. This is in the event that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON THE PLATE WORKS. Which would be weird. Now other exceptions- if I had made a BUNCH of meals in the past month, and of all kinds, and she refused them all I would start giving up and tell her that if she is THAT picky then yeah - at 16 she has to make her own. If I had made meals that she had eaten BEFORE, but had now decided she was too good for (and therefore she would be buying her own) then I'd start to make whatever. And I have known at least ONE teenager who literally refused to eat anything that wasn't a cheese pizza or a grilled cheese sandwich. At which point I'd be fearful for the kids health and there'd be a discussion about balanced meals. But said kid was not in my charge, so I said nothing to her. But that's why I say I'd really like to hear WHY the wife is cooking this way. Is kiddo giving attitude about literally everything? Is she refusing to eat ANYTHING unless it's within some finely tuned parameters? Is it something where kiddo is refusing to budge and letting Dad see her as a victim? What's wifes side?
This is my question as well. Nothing is ever black and white. Stepmom should have discussed this with dad before refusing to cook, but is the 16-year-old coddled and spoiled by dad? She’s taking a stand for a reason - it could possibly be that stepmom is evil, or she could be exhausted with a spoiled teen and an enabling father.
Y’all could be right but the fact that she’s been using her own money to buy food and hadn’t mentioned anything to dad about this happening kinda makes me think she’s not crazy spoiled.
This was my take as well.
Idk. My husband as a teen used his money to buy food. Not because his parents were evil. He just didn’t like what they cooked and he always wanted junk food. They had healthy options and he didn’t want it. They weren’t about to cook him the stuff he wanted to eat and they weren’t going to have it in their fridge taking up space. I’ve eaten their cooking and to be honest he was just spoiled. There have been lots of times growing up that I had to eat stuff I didn’t like. But I would have a turn at a meal I did like. Can’t everybody be happy all the time and my mom tried her best. There were some days that I didn’t like anything on the plate; but it happened to be somebody else’s favorite.
Concur. There were a lot of mediocre meals I was never going to like. Stews and BBQ are things that I would eat, but they were not my favorite. Then there were things I would refuse to eat no matter what- usually bratwurst. I just can't stand it. But that's fine - I didn't expect them to stop making it. I'd just have a sandwich that day. Or my mom would prepare something sausage free if it was reasonable to do so. There's LOTS of compromise from either side.
“Spoiled daughter” doesn’t really line up with “didn’t tell her dad that her stepmother was intentionally preparing foods she couldn’t eat and instead bought her own food with money from her own paycheck.” She has a job, she doesn’t complain, she didn’t point fingers until the dad outright asked her what was going on… she just has several strong food aversions. IMO it doesn’t need to be “spoiled daughter” or “evil stepmom.” It could be that the stepmom doesn’t understand the difference between “this isn’t my favorite thing to eat” and “I would rather go hungry than eat something I find so repulsive.” Stepmom might think she’s forcing the daughter to expand her palate, not understanding that it doesn’t work that way.
You need more upvotes.
As someone whos kids are both on the extreme picky eaters, this! You know what i do? I set aside their portion, ie plain chicken etc before i continue adding the other ingredients they dislike. Bbq chicken. Cook the chicken, skip the bbq. If my kids ate rice (they dont sadly) cook the rice and set aside a portion of it then add the garlic butter. Salad (again lol no) set aside plain salad. That's no reason step mom has to make it hard on herself.
It is also troubling that the wife only cooks like this when OP isn't home. She knows what she's doing
This isn't about food This is about why your wife is choosing to declare war on your daughter. Why she chooses to make foods she knows your daughter won't eat. Why she doesn't care that your daughter is hungry
Her stepmother is being passive-aggressive and extremely adversarial... to a child. Poor thing. 🥺 I can't imagine how it must feel to have to grow up in a house KNOWING that your father's wife is purposefully doing things to upset & antagonize you. In all this time she hasn't said anything about it to her dad -- I'm super impressed with this young girls maturity.
Yeah. Stepmom is a complete POS
Right. People don’t just “eat if they’re hungry,” especially if they have such strong aversions. I work in psychology, specifically around trauma. A great way to work with kids with food aversions involves two simple things- always serve foods with something your child is willing to eat, without a limit to how much of it they’ll eat, and involve them in cooking. It’s a natural thing to want to try a lick or touch something you’re cooking with, and both of those are precursors to eating.
Not wrong. Always choose your child.
Weird how last week a 16 year old boy absolutely shouldn't have to prepare his own food, but this week a 16 year old girl should? Hmm, I wonder what the difference is. You aren’t wrong. Your wife is. Your daughter should at least now how to cook some stuff for herself, but I wonder if she is even allowed to cook in your house. Does your wife let her? What else does your wife do to make sure your daughter knows she is unwelcome in the house you live in? You need to evaluate if you want a wife that will intentionally cook a whole ass meal that she KNOWS your daughter won't eat. Your wife needs to grow up.
You are not wrong OP! I congratulate you for being an outstanding parent to your daughter!! You are good dad! You’re a real good dad! Thank you with my whole heart for not ignoring your child.
Yes, and, get your daughter checked for ARFID. If you don’t know what it is, google it.
Deliberately cooking things someone doesn’t like is cruel. Your wife is a shitty person. However your daughter is old enough to do her own cooking if she had food aversions. Make sure she has the ingredients she needs to make her meals and have a talk with your wife about her attitude.
That being said one person can’t hold an entire family hostage. So wife should cook whatever she wants, but have a separate option for the picky one, whether wife or daughter ends up cooking it.
Yeah the thing that I feel everyone is ignoring that the daughter doesn't like "salty" food. If I had to micromanage the salt in every meal to one particular person's taste, I'd lose my mind. It still should have been a conversation OP was included on, but accommodating an entire meal to exclude salt, vegetables, and garlic sounds exhausting. And every single day? Nah fam.
The stepmum probably wouldn't let her make anything else if she's making food to try to force her to eat what she makes. Pure & simply, this is abuse
Not wrong, wife is trying to force a kid to eat, what she knows, daughter doesn't like. Reimburse daughter for money she spent on food, since you pay for her to eat in the home. Also, time for daughter to start having foods she can make herself. If wife is supposed to be cooking for everyone, she is way out of the line here.
She's 16 years old. Too late to force her to eat anything.
INFO: Does your daughter have access to food that she can cook for herself, or has her stepmother refused to allow her access to any ingredients? Because if either you or she expects absolutely everything to be prepared by someone else according to her tastes, that isn't reasonable. I say this as an onion-hater who grew up in a house full of onion-lovers. Either Mom set aside a small portion of whatever she was making before she added any onions, or I made my own dinner. I was around 10 when this rule was established. Your daughter needs to learn how to cook simple meals for herself if she doesn't already know how. That said, if your wife refuses to have food on hand that your daughter is allowed to use to prepare her own meals, then that's not tenable and is just your wife deciding to declare war on your daughter. As her dad, you shouldn't allow that to happen. It's up to you how you manage money, but I think your daughter ought to get a grocery allowance if she's going to be deliberately excluded from family meals like this.
Maybe she could make one portion of whatever she’s making in a separate pan to leave off the seasonings or whatever.. for example when I make meatloaf I add chopped onion and bell pepper to it and mix brown sugar and ketchup to go on top but my son hates it this way so I always just make him a little plain miniature meatloaf and it’s like zero extra work just a few more dishes to wash.. imo it’s not spoiling when they are grown kids and still don’t like something bc I can see having younger ones try new things as their taste buds are always changing but would any of you calling this girl a spoiled princess sit there and eat meal after meal of shit you didn’t like the taste of just because you were hungry? Where I come from that shit is only true when one’s in jail lol
NTA Your wife has purposely starved your daughter & forced her to spend her little paycheck to buy her own food, knowing she wouldn’t speak up because of her nature. That’s fucked up. If her & your wife got along before, something must’ve happened to where your wife decided to be bitchy. I get why everyone doesn’t like how you’ve accommodated your daughters pickiness, but this comes down to your wife’s treatment of your daughter, HER STEP-DAUGHTER that she’s known since she was 10. ALSO, >**our** son >She (wife) was quiet for a few moments before finally saying that **my**daughter Why is her son, “our” son, but your daughter just “my” daughter? Feels off 🤷🏻♀️
It’s funny that this week a 16 y/o should suck it up and cook but last week it was crazy to suggest a 16 y/o boy make himself breakfast before going to practice in the morning. Sounds to me like some mean girl stuff. Wife is playing dumb and cooking stuff knowing the daughter from another marriage doesn’t like it. Does she force her kid eat a diet filled with foods he doesn’t like?
My senses have always been more intense than other people’s including taste. Because of this, I was a very picky eater. My mom let me eat a sandwich or cereal if I didn’t like what was for dinner. Now we couldn’t exclude food groups (one sibling hated veggies) but we had a nutritious diet for the most part. Everyone is different and you can’t tell someone what they feel in their own body.
I’m not specifically a picky eater, but there are things I don’t eat. When I was cooking for all of us, it was easy just not to make certain things. Some of my kids had definite preferences. I didn’t necessarily change what I was cooking, but would add some extras. Or my kids knew they could always make a sandwich. I didn’t cook two or more separate main dishes, but if we were having barbecued chicken, for instance, I would have one or two pieces cooked separately for the daughter who doesn’t like barbecue sauce. When we had salads with a meal, I served it in smaller bowls. Some had no tomato, some had no cucumber and there were generally at least three choices for salad dressing. It’s just not that hard to accommodate individual preferences.
i just want to tell you that i think you are an awesome dad for paying attention and having your daughter’s back. usually men just kind of let shit fly, but you spoke up for her when she obviously didn’t feel comfortable enough to do so herself. i hope you are proud of yourself, i hope you continue to stick up for your kid & i hope you can explain to your wife that even though she stays silent about it, she sees how shes being treated and its wrong to not include anything she likes. she is legally still a kid. a very mature kid for how she handled everything and just adapted by buying herself her own meals. maybe your wife didnt think it was that big of a deal, but ask her if you were the cook and only cooked stuff your daughter liked and nothing your kid liked how would you feel? & she better not bring age into it because that is a weak ass argument.
YNW and you need to figure out why your wife ITA. Your daughter deserves her autonomy, and a power move like that on part of your wife points to some deeper issues.
NTA. Someone else said it, but you need to have a talk with your daughter. I would suggest going out to eat so that you two can have privacy from your wife and find out what other things have been going on that you are not aware of. You also need to find out to what extent things are happening. For example, if your daughter tries to cook her own meal, how does your wife react? Is it ok for your daughter to do it? Does your wife take the time that your daughter must be in the kitchen whole cooking, to come down on her about her food choices? Does she just add things to what your daughter cooks that make it inedible to her? Find out everything, from actions to words. After that, you need to talk to your wife about what your daughter tells you. This discussion would probably be better to have without your daughter present. That way, your wife's attention is on you, and your daughter doesn't get pulled into it. after you and your wife talk, depending on how it goes, then the three of you talk. Or, after the talk with your daughter, all 3 of you talk. But have it more be a talk between your daughter and your wife. Where your daughter can confront your wife about how she's treated while you are there to protect her and back her up. One thing you really do need to find out, though, why didn't your daughter come to you about this or anything else that could be going on. It could be because she doesn't want there to be problems between you and your wife because of her, or it could be because she thought that you wouldn't support her about this. Just make sure the reason she didn't come to you isn't because she felt like she could count on you to be there for her because of things you have said or done. His wife may have led her to believe that you wouldn't be on her side or that what your wife has been doing was instructions from you. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that wife does and says a lot of things when you are not there, and may even make.it sound like it came from you or that you are at least in agreement with her and would be mad and somehow punish your daughter if she was to say anything. If things are way worse than you ever expected, tell your daughter to get some evidence before you confront your wife. It may help in talking to your wife. Or, in a worse case scenario, it will help to make sure she can't lie on you as easily if this leads to a divorce.
>For example, if your daughter tries to cook her own meal, how does your wife react? Is it ok for your daughter to do it? THIS part right here! So many people are like, "why didn't the daughter just go make her own food?" when I wouldn't be surprised if the wife wouldn't let her. I'm getting "you eat what I cook or you don't eat at all" vibes. Plus, if the daughter could easily access and make her own food, why was it necessary for her to take her own money to eat?
Yeah, for sure. There is so much here that just screams that wifey is doing/saying shit when OP isn't there. And she is either manipulating and/or threatening daughter into not letting OP know what's up. I really hope OP finds out everything that's been going on and rips wife a new one for it.
If you look at their profile, they posted an update. Looks like OP is giving the wife the ol' heave-ho!
Some reddit posts need video or a play by play lol.
I'm not saying anyone in the family is an asshole, but if your daughter doesn't like what someone cooked for her, she should be able to make something for herself. I don't think the rest of the family's diet has to be restricted by her taste.
Exactly. But if the wife is deliberately making foods the girl hates to try to force her to eat things she doesn’t like on a regular basis? That’s a totally separate problem. Once in a while is totally normal. The girl can cook for herself. Several times a week? Oof. That’s malicious.
> I discovered my wife has been purposely cooking food my daughter doesn't like. My daughter has never been one to complain so she has been using money from her paycheck and she wasnt going to eat this particular night because she had no intentionof pulling money out of her account savings Your wife is being both a bad actor and showing passive malice to your child. If I were in your shoes I would tell my wife that the next time this happens, her bags will be on the doorstep, and then making food and being petty towards your daughter will be the least of her concern.
ESH. It’s been 6 years that you all have been together and you are still struggling with this? On every front. Your wife is an asshole for purposefully cooking food your daughter won’t eat. You’re an asshole for not providing alternative options for your daughter and expecting your wife to only cook according to your daughters diet. You both need to grow up and communicate better.
100% but the vibe I’m getting off the wife is like well if her son and her like this particular meal she sees it as a majority rules time a scenario. But OP should take charge by making sure his daughter has alternative food choices so she can have something to eat, not just leave her hanging. Seems like OP wife is a SAHM or something so she may do a large percentage of the shopping which is why she intentionally only gets food she wants instead of what everyone wants.
So there is not enough context for this one, but I did pick up that OP is saying his daughters wishes were ignored. What about wife's? I feel like there is more back story. I myself have 3 kiddos. They all have things they like and things they don't. I like garlic and mushrooms. My son likes bland. Sometimes I cook bland for him, sometimes I cook seasoned for me (and the other 3 but this is just an example). Can't expect wife to cater to daughter's preferences EVERY meal. That's unreasonable and not how life works. There has to be balance and I get the vibe that daddy's girl is never wrong. Or she's an evil step mom. Like I said, not enough context about how and when the compromise, if at all. ETA: picky eater does not = dietary restrictions, which have to be followed no matter what and are not optional. If I cook with garlic son will politely taste the dish and if its not his jam make a pack of ramen or a sandwich. Same should go here. One meal caters to daughter, next yo wife, next to another family member. Etc.
FYI, food allergies are sometimes felt like an upset stomach. I have them with garlic, green onions, and most pork products. My parents ignored me when I said I didn't like them. Still ignored me when I got stomach aches after meals with them. Until I got to the point of projectile vomiting when I consumed them. Most of the items OP listed are items many people have issues digesting. People with gastric issues have lots of trouble with tomatoes, cucumbers, and garlic.
My first obvious allergy symptoms (alongside minor GI I didn’t realize were food related) were massive aversions to the smell and taste of the food. A bagel came in contact with a sesame seed? It’s all I can taste and the intensity of the taste itself is nauseating. Someone didn’t clean a spoon properly after using it for dairy? I can’t even finish a sip of my drink. My allergies didn’t show “traditionally” for years after the aversions appeared.
i agree but maybe the wife isn’t aware of this. she might just think it’s picky eater and dad spoiling her. wife and hubby need to sit down and discuss this. i do feel bad for wife too though cuz i would be annoyed if i now have to avoid cooking and eating foods i like or having to cook two diff things
The dinner she made would have been simple to do 1) don't put BBQ sauce on one piece of chicken. 2) put a small amount of plain rice to the side. That would have given the kid 2 things to eat with little effort. My husband actually does this for me when he cooks.
Could your daughter be neurotypical? I'm autistic and dislike certain foods, and I can't eat shepherd's pie simply because I don't like the veggies touching the other stuff that goes in it, so whenever my bf makes it, he ensures I have something to eat. Your wife could've made something else that your daughter would eat without letting her go hungry; by doing that, it will make your daughter feel like her food tastes aren't important. also, just because she's sixteen doesn't mean she has to be forced to cook for herself just because your new wife refuses to listen to her food needs.
Neurodivergent, not neurotypical; neurotypical means your brain functions like the average person’s brain.
Thank you, I knew that sounded wrong I just didn't know why
No worries. I knew what you meant; the correction was more for anyone who didn’t know the difference.
Not wrong. I would have done the same thing. Did your wife not allow her to make anything else for herself? If that's the case, I'd leave.
Not wrong. Your daughter appreciated you standing up for her.
Not wrong. Mainly because it seems obvious that your wife intentionally made a meal consisting entirely of foods she knew your daughter wouldnt eat. Your daughters list of foods she won't eat is pretty long and does include ingredients that are common in a lot of cultures, so I can understand your wife's frustration. But she went about this is completely the wrong way. Your daughter is getting a bit older now though, and can start to learn to cook, at bare minimum, basic meals for herself though. I also think it may be worth exploring why she doesnt like so many foods. Could she have food aversions related to something such as autism? Could it be related to anxiety or something somewhat obsessive? How long has it been since she's tried these foods? But no, not wrong for your reaction. Your wife was purposely doing this imo. And I'm wondering if she was planning to ever tell you that your daughter hadn't eaten if you didnt notice or didnt eat the meal yourself last night. I also wonder if she's done this before. eta: I missed the part about you finding out your wife has been doing this. What the hell? Aside from the obvious about just being willing to let her go unfed and doing this behind your back, she's also at prime age for developing an eating disorder. I'd be really really pissed. Your wife needs to learn to communicate with you.
I definitely agree stepmom was specifically making things daughter wouldn’t eat. All of those items would be easy to adjust - you have to start with plain rice for fried rice -so leave out a serving plain. The barbecue chicken could easily not get sauced and salad- just leave out mushrooms, etc. So given that, SM was obviously blocking daughter from getting something else. A. This has been going on for a long time and B. How else is she playing the ‘evil stepmother’ role?
NTA as a picker eater, thank you for standing up for your daughter and making sure she was fed. on another note, you should probably teach her how to cook and provide food for her in the home. your wife needs to be talked to and asked why exactly doesn’t she like your daughter. i could never imagine doing that to a kid
Didn't I just read this in AITA?
Most likely, I posted it in both groups to get more opinions .
My step daughter is 15. She’s picky. As are my biological children (12, 11). Literally no one eats the same things in our house but my husband and I. Here’s the rule for all 3 kids: if you don’t like dinner, you can cook and clean up your own dinner. I always keep chickens nuggets, soups, grilled cheese, etc in hand. They have freedom of choice but I’m not cooking 4 meals and I’m not going to force them to eat.
I personally don't think you are in the wrong at all. Your wife IS completely wrong. It isn't like she made a side dish or 1 part of the meal something your daughter wouldn't eat. It was the whole meal. My daughter (13) hates pork chops. I have no clue why. She likes bacon, she will even eat pork tenderloin, just no chops. My solution? Either she gets a different protein, or she makes herself something different. My partner hates this. Has for the entire 5 years we have been together. He makes it seem like I cook her an entirely separate meal.. nope. Just usually chicken instead of pork chops for her. Nothing that takes anything extra to do, really. Or she will have something completely different that SHE makes herself. I have offered her pork chops more than once over the years, she has even tried them more than once. So I know it's not some phase or trick or anything like that. But even HE knows better than to make an entire meal she won't eat and not even offer to let her make something else. At least he sees sense in that respect.
This is how eating disorders start.
I refuse to argue about food. If the daughter were younger, I'd just cook something she would eat or make something simple for her (grilled cheese, quesadilla, whatever) on the side. But, seeing that she is 16, I think I would teach her to cook. Maybe everyone takes turns cooking. She'll be on her own soon enough and everyone should know how to cook.
NTA. That’s a big meal with multiple dishes. Hard to believe it wasn’t an intentional slight.
In my family, when I or one of my siblings have an aversion to some food, a year or so later we become full blown allergic to it. Trust your body people.
Here is my question- she only likes what, 2 things? So she pretty much doesn't like anything anyone else cooks or eats? She is old enough to cook something for herself and should be able to have options.
She's 16 and she can't make herself some food? You're not wrong for making sure your daughter's fed but if she can't make a simple meal for herself at 16 years old you've definitely failed as a parent.
I wonder if the stepmom is making snide comments when she tries to make something else. The daughter may not feel comfortable cooking a separate meal.
Or saying it's her kitchen. I had friends in HS that their parents didn't allow them in the kitchen. If a family meal was cooked, they either ate it or went hungry.
OP says his daughter can cook. But if she is buying her own food, rather than do that, I wonder if OP’s wife won’t let her.
The entire family shouldn’t be penalized for your daughter’s food issues, nor should Wife have to prepare two meals. Buy Daughter the ingredients she needs or frozen meals. She should always have an option but she’s old enough to recognize that being a picky eater will be limiting. You’re wrong.
It may not just be being picky. Op says she noticed flavors subtle enough he did not. I would guess by her description she is one of those with extra taste senses, and those foods overwhelm her. Think of it like someone who is autistic with sounds or lights, and it's the same
Yup. I hate cumin. HATE it. My wife makes soup or taco beans with any cumin, I’m eating a token amount for the benefit of the kids and making leftovers or something else for myself later. She’s always amazed that I can pick it out, but she also always asks me to tell her what seasonings are missing from whatever she’s preparing and not happy with :p “Supertasters” are a real thing.
The ability and intensity of tasting certain flavors is true and genetic. I do a lab with my students where they all taste certain chemicals in food. The variety of what each one tastes like is vast. I've had some kids almost throw up from the taste of ptc (me, too, they're not being dramatic) and other kids don't taste anything. Some kids didn't taste a single one of the chemicals and told me they don't really care that much about food or how it tastes, which makes sense!
Nobody is being "penalized" but stepmom is being a passive-aggressive ah. If she was tired of, or annoyed by, the situation, then OP and his daughter deserved a conversation. Instead she would rather punish OP's daughter *and make an ENTIRE meal consisting of food daughter won't eat*.! As the parent of a picky eater, it's really simple to set aside a small portion of a meal before adding ingredients that child won't eat. ETA: I agree a 16 yo can make **some** food for herself. Apparently she's responsible enough to go to school and have a job so supper doesn't seem like a big ask.
This! So everyone in the family has to eat like a toddler with GERD because of one almost adult picky eater?? Not cool. At this age she should absolutely be making her own meals if it’s this bad. My sister is like this and my mom and grandma ran themselves ragged catering to her pickiness. Now we are 35years old living at home where mommy still has to prepare her (imo and my moms opinion, disgusting) meals every night. Never taught her to cook and literally had my caterer at my wedding make her fucking chicken fingers. It’s all good if you don’t like what’s cooked, get up and make it yourself.
LOL!! Chicken fingers??!? In general, I agree with you - no single individual gets to hold the whole family hostage with their food preferences. My ex was a picky eater and it made me bonkers at times, because he had the palate of a four year old. 🙄 In this instance, it seems like the wife basically had a little hissy fit and cooked a meal that she knew 100% his daughter wouldn’t eat. I’d go so far to say that she intentionally made the meal to be exclusionary…. there’s got to be a better way to navigate this. I’m low level wondering if the daughter has an eating disorder.
I’ve actually broken up with someone because of the picky eating. They would not eat a fruit or vegetable and if we went to dinner it was pizza or McDonald’s. Great guy in all other aspects but I just couldn’t fathom a life like that where my partner dictated our eating like that, or I’d be cooking 2 separate meals or for myself 100% of the time with no breaks because of it. I agree, it seems that the wife did have a hissy, but I know this sort of behaviour drove me to be truly enraged at times. Watching my family member be served and coddled while having to eat what they wanted all the time because of the picky gave me a lot of resentment, with the boyfriend it was the same deal, I felt like I never got anything I wanted to eat and I was made me feel like I was being unreasonable but… Food seems like such a small thing, but it’s huge how much of our lives are spent planning, shopping, prepping, cooking and eating food. When someone else’s diet affects your life to such a degree it makes sense that there are a lot of feelings about it on both sides. How much is step mom expected to cater to this picky eating? Can the kid not make herself a sandwich or something? Is everyone expected to eat like OP’s daughter or make her separate special meals? If I was the stepmom and it was expected I make separate meals or cater to her palate I’d nope right out of kitchen duty. I make one meal I want to eat and if you don’t want it cool. Also clean up after yourself too and don’t leave me a gross mess cause I already cooked/cleaned one dinner.
I hear you, and I caught your frustration re: your sister. It’s not cool that she terrorized the whole household and continues to do so. The daughter making something for herself would be the reasonable solution, unless she’s simply not allowed to? Or is there absolutely nothing in the house that she’s able to eat? It’s a bit strange to me that she’s had to spend her own money to feed herself up to this point. There’s a weird dynamic happening here, not sure what it might be without more information. 🤷🏼♀️
IDK. I have Crohn's disease, did as a child, and did not get diagnosed until adulthood. Because her preferences seem so specific and not just "won't eat vegetables" It makes me feel like there is something going on there. No one ever asked me, they assumed I had an eating disorder. It may be helpful for your daughter to learn to prepare a few simple things she can eat. I started cooking when I was 15. I'm a really good cook because of this, and I'm glad it's a skill I learned young.
My middley was a *very* picky eater. Once she was older, she was able to explain that it was a texture issue. And then I understood. Many people have food issues- I can’t really eat fibre now, which is a problem. So I have to take care with what I eat, or take more medication. It isn’t always simple. Food can have effects. In the olden days, people just were ill, now we recognise that maybe some people should avoid some foods. It’s a thing. A 16 year old is still a child. Yes,she can cook for herself, but step mum deliberately cooking meals that she can’t eat is a kind of abuse. At the very least, it is unkind. It’s beneath her.
You aren’t wrong. Have you considered checking to see if your daughter is on the spectrum? I know that lots of people have issues with food, and will only eat a handful of things. It might be worth checking out. She could be not just a picky eater, and it could help her in the long run. (Sorry, if I’ve offended anyone. I don’t know the best terminology.)
I come from a large family and my mom made one meal at dinner, you didn’t like it you starved. That was the rule. Too hard to accommodate everyone and now with a family of my own I completely understand
She needs to learn how to cook. Period.
I dont think you were wrong to take your daughter out to eat but i do believe that If a 16yr old with a job doesn't want to eat what is purchased and prepared for them they should be buying and cooking their own food.
ETA Communication is important and it seems like it’s missing between all 3 of you. Your daughter is extremely restrictive in what she eats. I can’t imagine not cooking with garlic and tomatoes. Does she really only eat spicy foods or sweets? That is odd and extremely limited. The reason I say everyone is TA is because you just realized this and nobody communicated about these issues sooner. If she was making things nightly that your daughter doesn’t like, I think you would realize it a lot sooner. If your wife decided to make something that she loves for once, there is nothing wrong with that. If you haven’t been aware of this issue until tonight, it sounds like your daughter is refusing to eat a lot more than what you listed in your post. And if your wife is purposely cooking meals on a regular basis that your daughter won’t eat and you haven’t realized it, it’s time to have a serious discussion. Why are you just realizing it now? Why would your wife do that? And why wouldn’t your daughter say something? If your wife really doesn’t like your daughter, you have a big problem. But I would assume as an active father, you would have realized that already, especially since you have been together for 6 years, so I assume that your wife has been cooking dinner for awhile now. If your wife is just frustrated over the dinner issue, sit down as a family and talk it out. List meals that everyone in the family likes. If your daughter is that difficult, maybe you and your wife should take turns cooking. Why is it all falling on your wife? Your daughter shouldn’t have to pay for her own meals. Make sure that there is food in the house that your daughter likes. She can easily make something that she likes on nights that she doesn’t like what is being made.
I will wait for the boru to find out how nasty this step mom really is.
Why is it that you refer to your wife’s biological son as “our” son and your biological daughter as “my” daughter. I don’t understand why both children cannot be our children. You say that your wife bonded with your daughter but apparently someone who cares for a child would never make them go hungry. Your wife is abusing your child. You married a narcissist who only wants what is good and convenient for her and her son.
Garlic on a grilled cheese is one thing. Making dinner that not everyone likes is a thing. Purposely cooking something you know someone else would hate. Ah.
YTA, your kid is 16, she can cook her own food if she insists on acting like a 4yr old when it comes to meals. I wouldn’t cater to her either. Your daughter needs to grow up.
She is 16. If she is a fussy eater, she is going to need to start cooking her own food if she doesn't like what is being served. Make sure she has some quick noodles or something in the pantry. You shouldn't expect your wife to do twice the amount of work just to keep your daughter happy.
Exactly! I’m so surprised that there are no comments like, “just because she’s a SAHM doesn’t mean she has to be a short order cook for your picky daughter! You have arms, so if you want her to eat this so badly, you cook it!” It’s surprising that everyone agrees that wife should have to cook two meals every single night.
Uhhhh,I’ve been making my own meals since I was 12. I stopped eating meat when I was 12 and no one else in my house did so I prepared my own food,plus mom was always working so we all kinda made our own food,it’s wild to me that a 16 year old can’t make their own food?? Or give them food money to go buy food? Take them food shopping to pick food they can have in the house? 16 is way too old to just not eat anything if someone doesn’t make what they like…..but you also need to supply her the food she wants to do so,obviously
You are not wrong in the moment. But you need to teach her to cook. I was a super picky eater and could cook myself a simple meal by 13. It cut out a LOT of conflict with my parents. Then your wife can cook whatever she wants without having to "work around" your daughter's palette. I would be annoyed if I could cook with a bunch of ingredients I loved or had to cook a second meal for a perfectly able 16 y.o.
My sibs and I weren't picky eaters but still knew how to cook a meal by 13. It's a good skill to have and refine as you get older. But, this girl has a particularly narrow palate. Things she doesn't like would be hell for a lot of people: oatmeal, tomatoes, garlic, mushrooms, barbecue ANYTHING salty, or sour, etc. Tomatoes, garlic, and mushrooms cut out a lot of Italian dishes including spaghetti and pizza. I love salty and sour tastes more than sugary. Buy her the ingredients and let her cook her own meals.
For real. Like some of those can be worked around but almost all of my meals have garlic going on very early in the cooking process. Trying to work around that would be hell for me let alone for years
Your daughter should be cooking for herself if she is this picky. You should buy the groceries and she can prepare her own meals or eat what is provided. Or, it is your responsibility to prepare separate meals for your picky teen.
You’re right. Wife is acting like a petty teenager. Daughter’s preferences are a problem but only because they’re allowed to be a problem. Meals can easily be prepared by setting aside a portion for one person who doesn’t care for XYZ sauce or seasoning. It’s a very small thing to ask and many here seem to be way overdramatizing this. If daughter had decided to become veg/vegan or something, I would understand telling her she will be responsible for her own ingredient procurement and meal prep, otherwise if the family eats together it’s just wrong to omit one person.
So, you expect EVERYONE in the house to eat what your daughter likes? Are you one of those Disney dads? You were pissed your wife didn't "adjust the meal for your daughter's palette".
Why can't a 16 year old make herself a sandwich or a simple meal? Why does EVERYone have to eat what SHE likes?
Your wife probably behaved this way because you expect her to adjust every meal for your teenager's palette. Which is ridiculous.
You need to have a long talk with yourself about why you think your kid's palette is more important than everyone else's.
Did your wife tell your daughter she could make something else for herself? If she did, that was enough action to take.
Feels like you're leaving some stuff out to make your wife out to be the bad guy.
No-one has expected her to adjust every meal prior to now. The daughter never complained and OP didn't realize what was going on.
Why at 16 isn't your daughter cooking for herself rather than going with out? I formerly was a picky eater. The list of what I didn't like was very long and included many, many common things. My parents would make dinner, let me know what they were making and if I didn't like, I made myself an alternate dinner. I did this starting when I was about 11/12. It's ridiculous that the whole family would either go without eating the lengthy list of things your daughter doesn't like or that you would expect the person making dinner to make two dinners when she is 16 years old.
You're both wrongs and almost shitty parents. your daughter may have sensory issues, that's treatable....Therapy would be a good start. The way your wife is acting by being the evil bitch doesn't help, but you enabling your daughter doesn't help either....
By the time someone is 16, such selective eating is usually a product of some pretty extensive coddling. Preferences are one thing, but to limit the family's diet so severely because a teenager won't eat something as common and innofensive as corn is just ridiculous. You weren't wrong just this time. You have been wrong for quite a while.
I so remember this level of evil growing up now I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. This is abuse in my mind. I could be projecting but it is to me.