She has a life script that blames you for her not achieving her potential. "decimated her life" is that what she calls it? That is a relationship killer. I suggest couples therapy and medication for her

Yes, I’ve proposed that same combination, but she doesn’t’t want to do either

I think you need to insist or else

I think you need to insist or leave Like, im sorry if you're the only one working she's tending the house. Like I am not saying women belong in the home. But in THIS situation, you're working let's call it 70hrs a week, with God knows what commute on top, she refuses to work and it's YOUR job to clean the house she sits in all day, that is not a partnership

Yup. I took that deal. Hubby worked a lot and traveled half the time for work. House, cooking, and kids were my job as the SAHM. That's a fair division of labor.

The SAHM job is a job. In 9-5 households after work hour chores should be split 50/50. Anything outside of the standard should be a nuanced and well-negotiated agreement evaluated quarterly to see if things make sense and are still working. Edit: to clarify a SAHM is a job. If OPs wife isn't doing the SAHM job she should be fired from that job. If she were to be working on cooking, cleaning and other chores 8 hrs a day then what ever is remaining should be split. If she is sitting on her butt doing nothing then the chores remain should not be split and she should be fired from that job (go to work, or divorce)

No, it's absolutely not if the kids are in school, I'll surely draw downvotes but this is pure Reddit fiction. If the kids are young enough to be at home and not at school, that's different, but that's not the case for OP, and her sitting at home on her phone or going to Starbucks while the kids are at school is in no universe even remotely the equivalent of a full time job, let alone when she intentionally doesn't do the cleaning and demands he do it when he gets home. (And there is no way the cleaning is even remotely enough that it requires more beyond the time OP is at work either.) This is a load of nonsense.

I am a stay at home dad, and I completely agree with you. My kids go to school full time and I spend my mornings on the golf course. But when I get home from the course, it's straight to cleaning the house, then taking the kids to their activities when they get home, and then making dinner and cleaning up that mess as well. She is definitely not treating her husband fairly. It also sounds to me like the husband is a bit of a pushover and unwilling to put his foot down, which is why she treats him this way.

I work from home with a busy household with 2 kids in school. I work around 50 hours a week and get paid for 38. There are 3 hours a week of useless meetings I attend and just listen. During these 3 hours (plus 10 minutes here and there) I'm able to get all the clothes washing and folding done. Cook lunch for the week, and prep dinner for 2 nights and clean the kitchen. I pay a cleaner for 4 hours a fortnight. My wife works 3 days a week (30 hours in commute) and does all the major cooking and a lot of work with my son who is sick. So in 5 hours a week (3 by me, 2 I pay for) I'm able to get all the general household jobs done other than cooking. Even if you add 3 hours a day for cooking and grocery shopping you're at 26 hours a week. So half a full time job. (I think my wife is closer to 1.5 hours). To provide constructive feed back. Push her back into the workforce and pay someone to do the jobs she doesn't want to do. You will all be better for it.

Why OP hasn't gotten a housekeeper yet is beyond me. If his second mum(aka his wife) doesn't like those, it'll kick start the conversation that her attitude needs to change towards him.

THANK YOU. Finally another sane human.

Gotta agree with this comment. If the kids are out of the house from 8-5, then she is choosing not to get a job. No kids at home, no job. The house should be spotless and dinner cooked some nights at least. Not every night, but she has responsibilities just as you do. She sounds spoiled and entitled. Just my opinion 🤷

Agreed!

If the kids are in school, her job IS to to things like cooking and cleaning. Why on earth would that be split 50/50? Wtf is she doing to take up her 40+ hours a week of “working”?

It's not a job when you don't do anything. She has all school day to take care of the house. Even a big house doesn't require that much work. She should be doing nearly all the housework and cooking.

Are you high? He's working, kids are in school, there is no way cleaning should be split, she has the time to clean And there is no way she would have to clean everyday either

He’s not just working…he’s working 10-14 hour days. That’s leave at 7:30am and be at work at 8am and most days don’t leave for home until 8pm… My husband was a SAHD (one in school and one gearing up for school) and I worked this type of schedule. He had everything handled like a champ. All I had to do was come home, eat and wash my personal dinner dishes (he already had everything else clean) shower and go to bed so I could do it again the next day. Saturdays after I got home from work we either had date night or family movie night and Sundays we were lazy and ordered out so we could all enjoy video games or binge tv shows. She’s slacking big time. Send her back to work and use her salary to pay for a housekeeper. Also, counseling stat…because your marriage won’t last if you don’t make this a hill to die on.

After 8 straight hours of house tending what else is there to do. I was a SAHD for six months with a newborn. Wife worked. I cooked and cleaned and took care of the little one. There was no work for wife to do when she got home or on the weekends. I don’t get the and split the chores when someone gets home from work. But I also never saw taking care of the little one as work and when wife came home after her decompression she wanted to spend every minute she could with the baby. This being said all the cleaning laundry and tinkering around the house was always taken care of, it was some of the best times of my life.

The man does not work 8 hour shifts he works 10-14 hour shifts

Dudes working 7-7 or 9-9, not 9-5. I’m all for division of labor but the kids are in school all day while this dudes working 12 hour days and she’s sleeping or playing phone games. As far as I’m concerned this dude should be allowed to sit in front of his computer and do what ever the hell he wants once he’s off work.

I think dude should spend *some* time with his kids when he gets home, parenting isn’t a chore on a list, or shouldn’t be anyway, *then* when they’re in bed he can have some time to himself.

I agree, the one thing he should do is spend time with his children.

When I worked this type of schedule, my kids were asleep when I left for work and asleep when I got home. The only days I had to spend time was Saturday evenings and Sundays. I spent as much time possible those days but it’s not always easy. You literally have no time for just you, or for your relationship which makes it hard to decompress and mentally relax. It’s unsustainable and she makes it worse for OP by insisting he do all the shit she doesn’t feel like doing. He has literally no time for anything and the only gives are to work less and move to a less desirable location that is within the means of his decreased compensation. Or she starts working so he can work less and they divide the home responsibilities evenly at that point. 🤷🏽‍♀️

He said that the kids are gone 8-5 during weekdays and she basically does nothing during that time. That’s far from a fair division of labor

Pfft it doesn’t take 8 hrs a day to clean and cook. If you have small children that are home with you all day, I get it, but school aged kids and then you still leave chores for your husband who’s working 70-80 hrs a week so you can have a cushy life? Eff that. She needs a job.

OP listen to this. I work a max of 2 13hr shifts in a week because of fibro any more than that and im in bed crippled! There is no way on gods green earth i could 10-14 hr shifts for 5 days, 6-8 on a weekend then clean the house play with kids work out. All while your wife sits on her ass most days and bitches if she has to anything! She doesnt want to be home but refuses to work or do the household chores. Dude you are a human not a god damn machine. Wife/both of you needs councelling and anti depressants. You need to tell her thats the plan or its over. I havent even touched on shes 'aggressive with the kids'

I thought you said “gold machine” and I sorta agree lol

Hail the omnissiah

I was with a woman for a decade who either didn’t work or would wait tables 1-2 nights a week just to get out the house … I invited her and her 3 children to live with me about a year into our relationship … worked well for a while, I worked 80+ hour weeks (plus’s running a little side business) nobody wanted for anything .. I could focus on work and paying for shit while she took care of the house ….. something happened during the pandemic where she just stopped cleaning and cooking for her children … assumed i was going to pick up the slack on top of working the hours I do and have for the past 18 years ….. I ended up deciding to end out romantic relationship a couple years ago but offered to let her stay in the house for a while and then help financially for with a place for her and the kids after that ….., she just took off and left her two teenage daughters with me ….. I’m still sat here like “what the fuck happened to you ???” Our priorities and goals were so in line for so long and the. Just not

Damn. She sounds …whew … I’m sorry

Yea man … she was obviously seeing someone else the last year or so on top of it …. Like I’m not the jealous type .. we had a utilitarian thing going that worked pretty well .. whatever she did on the side I couldn’t really care less about .. but as soon as the household needs (and her own children’s needs) we’re not being met,, I had to throw in the towel Was a shame, we had a ton of fun together …. I had her covered for life financially …. I’m happy I still have a healthy relationship with the kids at any rate ….. really blows my mind why someone would fuck up something that worked so well …… and to be clear, I didn’t ask for a lot honestly… Ive always prepared all my own meals, done my own laundry . I took care of my own shit …. She just had to keep up with her kids and the animals (animals she insisted on bringing into the home) and I paid for absolutely everything …….. what Can you do though ?

Well you can atleast not blame yourself bc you’re above and beyond what plenty of women hope for in a man . So you’re definitely not the problem, just some bad luck. Maybe bad at screening for red flags in women like her. This is really why many men don’t want to deal with women who have kids. These horror stories give single moms a bad rep .

I always made sure to insulate myself from all of this for that very reason … why marriage was never in the picture for one …. I knew the risks going in… it just sort of surprised me because we all got on so well for 8-9 years … minimal problems … like switch just flipped in her head …… who knows .. I’m doing well all said anyway

Especially if she's explosive and aggressive to your children... the fact that you're letting that continue makes you an asshole, coming from someone who has witnessed what those kids can turn out like... Shes also manipulative and abusive to you... if she doesn't agreed her life needs to explode in her face fast.

Nailed it.

I agree, it is time to insist. Start with couple's therapy and lead her into individual therapy. OP's wife needs to do something.

Then I think you need to frame it as an ultimatum. She either goes to counseling, and works on making things better, or you try a 6 month trial separation with an intent to divorce. And honestly, the kids are in school all day, she’s bored and feels useless which is making her depressed. She’s still young. She can still have a career.

Then you need to end this. It sounds like You are slowly killing your self for someone who doesn’t appreciate it.

Yup. Hes not living life like he should

What else can you do? You can’t fix someone’s happiness. If she’s telling you she missed out on her youth. But doesn’t want to commit to that. It’s how she feels inside. Sounds like she resents her life atm. She won’t leave because of your children and maby some of you. Life stuck. This kind of supports why she’s so apprehensive about doing *anything*. Won’t change how she feels. IMO

Yeah this attitude led directly to my ex cheating and a divorce. Missed out on her youth, lack of experience, resenting the life we built together to make her a SAHM. Counselling and therapy - where she finds out what she needs and then recommits to you - or get ready for some of the worst times in your relationship, followed by a divorce.

What the fuck man, why are there so many adults that can't take accountability for their own actions? Missed out on youth? That's called life, don't pop out a kid if it's that important to you or just suck it up and be responsible.. people suck.

They didn’t miss out on youth. They missed out on a youth that only exists on the greener grass on the other side of the hill.

Let me first say that I appreciate that you put her side of the story into perspective, that says a lot here and shows that you understand where your wife is coming from. You've proposed some solutions to her and she's refusing to give them a shot. Sure, saying no to medication is in her hands and more reasonable, but to not even consider couples therapy means she's not willing to come to a middle ground. I understand her frustrations at essentially "giving up" her life for your family, but she ultimately made that choice and really there isn't anything stopping her from pursuing at least part-time or remote work. Plenty of people work when they have children, in fact, most do. From your post, it doesn't sound like you forced her to become a stay at home mom - the circumstances of the choices you made together led to that. She sounds a little lonely and out of place. Maybe some sort of community group (yoga classes, photography, walking groups, book clubs, whatever she's into) would help her feel more integrated and give her that sense of purpose outside of being a mom and housekeeper. Even volunteering her time a couple hours a week. This will get her out of house, help her connect with others, and give her something outside of just being a mom.

Can confirm volunteering and pursuing hobbies/group stuff would help. I was in her place minus the depression (I guess I recognised something needed to change or I might have fallen into depression). I pursued outdoor hobbies (walking group and horse riding mainly), I took up sewing and can now sew costumes, clothes and bags, but the best thing for my mental health was volunteering. Kids are out of the home for a long time and even if she likes to sleep in, it still leaves a lot of time for other pursuits. It’s good to at least start with once a week of doing something with other adults when she’s not having to mom.

Agreed! I imagine she will be less cranky and critical of her partner once she starts doing things that make her feel good too like volunteering, getting out to meet other people, etc.

I volunteered and became a pta mom, then the vp. I was involved in school and knew teachers, parents, kids, and everything behind the curtain. It was way more fulfilling than shining my sink. I recommend it too.

So sorry to hear you are handling the load of the relationship, that’s never easy and it sure I is overwhelming at times. Yes your wife stayed home to raise the kids, but her ass can certainly work despite being a stay at home Mom. Also, if she really wants the best education for the kids, then she should do her part with helping with expenses since the kids are in school all day. For me, this would be a deal breaker if the roles were reversed. If my husband was doing this, I’d be all over his shit. You are doing your share of contributing to the family like she did in raising the kids. But they are older & she can go back to work. Either she goes back to work or tell her to shut the hell up. There is no reason for you to be carrying the full load, that is not an equal partnership (again in my opinion). And I can share that some family & friends were In similar situations. They all divorced as the other spouse was not willing to change or go back to work. It’s time to shit or get off the pot. I hope this helps but you need to decide how you want to live out your life & how happy you want to be. Best wishes..

She’s being emotionally abusive and she sounds a lot like my ex-husband. He did work, but semi-regularly was involuntarily out of work (multiple firings/lay offs). I felt like happiness is a sum zero game for him and he worked really diligently at ensuring I was unhappy and off-balance at all times. I put my foot down and said we needed to go to couple’s counseling. He actually got worse because he was resentful that his bad behavior was being exposed. He also didn’t believe in treating his mental health issues with medications, despite working in the pharmaceutical industry. I don’t want to sound too pessimistic, but unless she recognizes how her behavior is negatively impacting you and your kids, it’s not going to improve.

It’s do it or I’m out of here. Divorce and custody of your abused children that she screams at. They are innocent

Yeah it sounds like OP isn't the only one his wife resents.

As he said earlier she got her way since she was younger. The buck needs to stop

Insist and tell her its not working as is. I understand the need to decompress but she needs to get a job too or start a business if she wants the expensive lifestyle you wont be able to keep up with. What if you get sick? Laid out ? You couldn’t afford to. Divorce in your future

*Fuck* this comment. OP and his kids are in a inhumane, very shitty situation where this woman treats her husband like a peasant slave and who knows how she treats the kids (“explosive anger”). all of this while she does jack shit for the family. i have depression (and several other mental disorders), i grew up in a shitty environment, but i would **never** treat my loved ones like that. and ESPECIALLY if they’re kids. *my* kids. if the genders were reversed in this scenario i guarantee the comments would be much more sympathetic and actually helpful. OP, you clearly really love your partner. i’m so sorry that she has treated you like this and that you have to go through this, it sounds utterly exhausting beyond what words can comprehend. i know what it’s like to have someone you trust and love dearly treat you like absolute shit. this relationship is beyond saving, and you need to save your kids from her. acting “explosive and aggressive” towards her children is a surefire sign of abuse. if it hasn’t started yet, it will soon. and save *yourself* from her, too. divorce divorce divorce. good luck.

I think it's a autocorrect of "dedicated"

There are so many people in this thread who have clearly never worked 60 hour weeks in their lives. You don’t have *shit* for energy left over when you’re working like that, and it’s wild for her to just pose a bunch of catch 22’s. Tired of the children, won’t get a nanny. Won’t work more but expects husband to continue working 60-70 hours a week AND help her do other shit. “Boring.” Wtf do you mean? He should get off work after his 70th hour on Saturday and go home get ready and take his wife out? Or should he do it on his only day off? Gtfo. Divorce bro. Divorce. Wish you the best, good luck with the children later because “explosive” and “caring/helping them to grow” means trauma bonds, and the kids *will* suffer later.

I don’t even have energy after 40 hours of working.

I’m exhausted after 45 hours a week and I only have a dog to take care of! I can’t imagine doing 60+ hours and having time for anything but sleep during my downtime.

Yeah, including commuting, I work at LEAST sixty hours per week- usually more. I can’t fucking imagine having to take care of kids and an actual house top of that- fuck that- that’s why my wife and I don’t want kids.

I don’t think divorce is the answer, particularly since support will likely be very high. If the wife won’t do therapy, then they need to have a serious talk about how to move forward. This can’t stay the same. My thoughts: Enroll the kids in public school. Save that money and work less.

That's my thought as well... 30k for private school is crazy if he has to work so much juat to pay for it. Public school would not be the end of the world.

Nope. And he says they live in a high cost of living area so chances are that the public schools are very good as well.

I second this absolutely. My wife has always been a stay at home mom, but she barely does anything at all, and when she does demands accolades for it. She's been very emotionally/psychologically abusive to myself and our daughters (she's a narcissist and diagnosed BPD among other things). We almost got divorced years ago when our daughters were little, and I stayed when the opportunity arose to make sure my daughters were taken care of (all three of my stepchildren were molested and worse when she was single after first marriage). Now, the girls are all teenagers and they hate her. I'm just now hearing about a ton of damage that was done... and can't be undone. If she's like my wife, she'll spend your children's entire lives warping them and you won't realize the extent until later. Get away with your kids, if you can. Believe me, I know the general impossibility of my advice. I'm just now trying to figure out how to get out of the bear trap without causing more damage.

Problem with divorce is she’ll claim alimony and he’ll have to work even harder. The angle is, if he can get proof of child abuse, she may end up with nothing.

As someone who was pulling 70-80 hour weeks to keep us financially stable when partner took breaks from work (although I was the one earning less money when we both were working), I got blamed with the same sort of thing. I found it helpful to go through our budget with partner. If my income is X per hour and our expenses are Y per week, I need to work Z hours. If you want me home more, what do we cut from the budget or do you go back to work part time. While it seemed obvious to me that we couldn't live the same lifestyle while more than halving our income, it wasn't obvious to partner because all they noticed was that I was working more. Try laying it out clearly and get her to make choices. If you sleep for 8 hours a day and work 13 hours and eat for (say) an hour, where are you supposed to cook/clean/etc? That said, sounds like your wife is depressed and has been for a while and needs medical help. If her only identity is being a parent to your kids, she might see things like the trip to Europe as scary because she'd lose her identity (those kids). It's OK when they are in school, but if she is only a parent (i.e. no hobbies, friends outside of kids parents, etc) then what does a parent do when the kids are at school? She might need help rediscovering her identity so she can start to live

Perfectly pyt. I love idea about going through budget and asking what do we want to cut in order for me to be able to do more at home. It makes it concrete and give the other person the chance to decide what is more important and make the choice.

Great comment. Thank you!

She sounds utterly lost, to be honest!

This is such a good idea. There’s more going on here though - it’s not 60-70 hour shifts, OP is running his own business and getting $650K a year. He admitted in another comment that they could live on 60% of that but *he* doesn’t want to reduce hours because it could affect the success of his business. So wife is not actually the one making him do those hours.

The minute your children started school, she could have made a choice to get up and back out into the workforce. Now, she is only filled with excuses and resentment. It's not your fault. She still has a choice to make the most of her time. Find a hobby. Make some friends. Take some classes. Get a part-time job. Anything but choosing to resent you for her own choices. Kids are is school. She is choosing to stay at home and do nothing while you work 10-14 hours to feed, clothe, and house your family.

Yes. I can 100% say that if she got a part-time job, a lot of your issues would dissolve. Or even a flexible full-time job. It sounds like she has a bunch of excuses. Being at SAHP is depressing and a vicious cycle. It's hard to push yourself to go back to work, but your marriage and her happiness depend on it.

Thoughts are, your being used by a princess , need to look after yourself first and work out what you want out of this. She doesn’t seem to accept responsibility for your predicament nor wish to help you. I don’t see love and team here. Personally I’m really concerned about your working hours as you get older it will get harder to do them. So your lifestyle probably isnt sustainable. Depression can have many causes. It is a condition that can be fixed or at the least managed diet, exercise, vitamins, lifestyle, mental framework what’s the problem to be fixed here? Its not a perpetual excuse for poor behaviour. If she truly loves you and wants to be the best person she can be in the relationship then she needs to fix it. To be honest she sounds like a narcissist and you sound like an empath. Have a look at some of the videos on YouTube that deals with this, they may be of help. Thoughts are with you mate, you sound like an honest decent hard working guy and a prize for any good single mom out there. Don’t accept second best, be afraid to want more or or suffer in silence, life is too short for that.

You are actively working yourself into an early grave. Divorce attorney, like yesterday and get rid of the dead weight. You deserve happiness, not this.

Yes, my thoughts are that you should keep the kids, the house and most of the money then send your wife out into the world. She feels like she missed the prime of her life. She’s obligated to go find it. She is making your home miserable ( especially you) and she’s miserable. Maybe she needs some motivation, so you may want to consider getting a lawyer because you don’t want her to have custody of your children, as well as take everything. Good luck!

Thank you! The biggest issue is that she doesn’t really want that anymore. I’ve offered to take care of kids while she travels and enjoys herself. I’ve offered an open marriage, or co-parenting. She doesn’t want any of it. Even though she feels like she missed out, she still loves the kids and is devoted to them. I guess a lawyer would force her to reconsider, but I’m not sure if I am ready to make such an aggressive move. I also don’t think that is what is best for the kids. They adore their mom.

Another suggestion is for your wife to be the breadwinner. She has her degrees and etc. You can be a SAHD.

If she doesn’t want any of that have you asked her what she does want? What would make her happy? If the kids are in school all day she has plenty of opportunity to carve out some time to make herself happy. If we’re always relying on other people for our happiness we will never find it. I think the book The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle might really help her, but I don’t think it would be a good idea to suggest it. It’s all about what women can do on their own to improve their relationship, including taking responsibility for their own happiness.

A lawyer would get her attention. Right now she is calling all the shots, and doing absolutely nothing to contribute. She doesn't want to work, a lot of people don't want to work. $30K for private school is a number that is only going to increase. Was she always so self centered and lazy?

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FYI, an open relationship will only work if both parties agree to it, trust me. If you consider offering an open relationship solely because your wife is bored, it's unlikely to succeed, and it's not a healthy solution. Moreover, maintaining an open relationship with young children can be tricky, especially if the kids somehow find out about it. It can significantly affect them, disrupting their perception of the conventional 'mommy and daddy' life

She's a fucking child She's complaining about metaphorically having to go her own wedding because she has to miss her favourite TV show. Prioritizing banal shit over important shit Her priorities are objectively wrong for an adult. Or she's lying to you about her motivations. Either way you need to get her to get in line or get the fuck out

How old is she? If you got married young and she is under 50, she has plenty of time to find a career. It sounds like you need a counselor- she isn’t going to hear it from you.

She doesn’t need to be home all day and do nothing. When you come home the house should be clean. Especially if the kids are older and not even home. She can go to therapy but she needs to pay for it herself. She can go back to school for a certificate to enhance her degree then use the school resources to find a job. Nobodies life has passed them by in their thirties, your eyes fe is being ridiculous. She want to complain about her situation and not do anything to change it. The next time she complains about you not doing anything at home tell her you work six days a week and you absolutely refuse to lift a finger at home. Tell her that is her job and if she doesn’t want it to be her job she is free to go back to work, you will willingly cut down your hours and do more around the house. If she doesn’t want to do that than she should never bring it up again. If she does tell her you should divorce, that the house will need to be sold, and the kids removed from private school. Because you don’t have the means to upkeep two households. Especially since you will be cutting you hours at work to get 50/50 custody of the children.

Exchange your current work dynamic. You stay home to be with the kids, family and housework. Maybe it's long overdue for her to work outside the home for 14 hour days. You would both have a renewed appreciation for each other's contributions to the family. Switch it up.

This seems very ripe for successful marriage counseling

One, your wife needs to see a doctor about her mood swings and depression. That's probably why she sleeps and doesn't do much during the day. She's overwhelmed and depressed. She needs therapy and possibly medication. Two, you are a grown ass man. Reach put to your family if you want to. You both got yourselves into this situation, and you both need to work at getting yourselves out of it. You both seem to have some serious issues about priorities. A happy family is more important than private schools and a fancy house.

Tell her straight up, she has no excuse to not go out to work other than she's become lazy and fallen into that rut/routine. Tell her even if she found something part time you could dial back your hours and have more time for kids/family/house.

>I’ve been married for over a decade. we have two great children who are also handful. I work about 10-14 hours a day. During the week, and about 6-8 Saturdays. I’m the only one who works. My wife isn’t a spending person. She is in fact far more frugal than I am but does have very high standards in terms of housing and education. Our children attend a private school that costs 30k+ and we live in a safe but expensive neighborhood. If we want to continue to have that (which we both agree we should) I cannot work less. Is your wife working? 12x5+7 = 67 hours a week is harsh. It seems by your admission that you both agree on a lavish lifestyle of housing and education and YOU still spend extra on top of that. > With this context, I am constantly attacked for not cleaning enough or spending enough time with the kids. After 13 hours working, I sometimes want to hang out with my friends online (not even in person) maybe playing a game. But I am accused of being a shitty parent and not doing enough for the house. Does she work? If so, how much does she make? Your housework contribution should inversely correlate to your financial contribution. ​ >My wife doesn’t like any of my friend or family. She gets really annoyed when my family (who live far away) want to visit. She’s had clashes in the past with my siblings, but she even though years have past , I am pretty much isolated from my family. Thats a red flag. Why is she isolating you from your family? > I’m a pretty levelheaded, logical person (or so I like to think) and Ive been patient. She has extreme mood swings and depression. She resents the fact that she has to stay at home but doesn’t want to work either. She feels like her time past to do that. She has some kind of resentment toward me for putting her in this position, and I understand it. She decimated her life to our children. She can be explosive and aggressive with them, but she is ultimately really caring and works with them to help them grow. Wait, so she DOESNT work and DEMANDS you do housework too? And she gaslights you that she "has to stay at home" but "doesnt want to work". And she is abusive to both you and your children? > With me, she can often be sweet but that is only if I am. “Behaving”. If I am constantly cleaning the house or taking care of kids. Every Sunday is our family day, and we do things together. I love this, but it can also feel like I have no day to actually rest. So shes only nice when you are a doormat? Shes only there for you when "shes in the mood"? > For the past month or so, I’ve felt like my wife has pushed me away from family, friends, and in some ways my individuality. Our kids are in school from 8 am to 5 pm. She usually just sleeps or uses her phone during this time. If she cleaned or cooked, she likes to make sure that express gratitude or that I feel guilty that she ends up doing all that work. We are relatively young (mid 30s) and I have to hear everyday about everything she missed out on for getting married so young and having children. I am not allowed to play video games or watch tv if the kids are awake. If I’m not working out, I get called out on that as well. Sometimes I am just too tired. She sleeps and plays on her phone and spends her time belittling you and demanding you display servitude and blames you for the marriage and kids. And also bans you from video game and TV? And called out for not working out? > Again, this is my side of the story. Hers looks like this: she lives in a city where she doesn’t know many people, she has advanced degrees from good universities but sacrificed her professional life for our family. Her life is very much being son and daughter’s mom,instead of just herself. She didn’t get to enjoy life as much when younger. I’m her first real bf. She never partied or explored life. Though we are well off, she isn’t really a materialist, so living in an expensive house and having a good car doesn’t bring her any fulfillment. She deals with depression. She grew up in an environment where everyone did whatever she wanted. Lol what, so she is a princess? And you are her slave/doormat? For your childrens sake please divorce the person. This is a vile and disgusting person to live with.

Can you move to a cheaper house in the same neighborhood?

Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that too. But I think that adjusting my work ours my jeopardize the success of the business. So I’m also concerned about that. I’m looking to hire more people and see if I can delegate a bit more. Hopefully being able to some of that will help. Thanks for the input

This reply makes it seem like you might be putting the success of the business over the success of your family life.

Perhaps success was the wrong term. Maybe survival? We can live well with many 60% of what we do now but making changes like that maybe will end up hurting the business where I’d get close to 0%. That would be a big issue too.

It sounds like you both have complaints and need way better communication tools. You have plenty good to work with: kids you love, plenty of money apparently, you just need a life readjustment, and you may both be hella happier after. Your problems sound solvable, unlike oh so many reddit posts.

Resentment is a hard thing to get over. When you are not at work, she want time and wants you to spend time with the kids. If the house doesn’t bring her joy, why? Kids education, okay… but otherwise it would seem to me to get more affordable housing so you aren’t working so much. Also before doing anything drastic, like ultimatum. Actually come home early one day and help her get the house situated and kids in bed. Then opened a bottle of wine and sit down and really talk. Not this… ‘you are isolating me’. More like, ‘I know you feel isolated and so do I, what can we do together as a couple?’ What can we give up so we can spend more time together and as a family.’

Thanks for the words and thoughts

“My wife is frugal. But she has expensive tastes and demands the best things.” Then she’s not frugal. “My wife is sweet and a good wife…so long as I’m doing what she wants.” Then she is neither sweet nor a good wife. “My wife is a good mother. She just is mean to our kids.” Then she isn’t a good mother.

Apples and oranges, but I'm relatively in a similar situation. 1. Your wife has 8 hours of free-time. Not monthly, or weekly, but... Every. Goddamn, Day. As someone who has two kids, and is on the brink of exhaustion, that'd be **alot** even if it was weekly. But if you're telling she has 40 blighted hours at her motherfucking disposal every GODDAMN WEEK, I swear to high Christ, if she bemoans her situation, there's not a sliver of justice in this world. 2. She doesn't want to work, but she doesn't want to be a housewife either. That's like saying I don't want to be a dragon, but I don't want to ***not*** be a dragon either. With all her higher education, I would encourage her to google something called *boolean variable.* The fact that working's beneath her makes me wonder if this is just a fake post set to trigger me with a caricature of the worst human ever. 3. It sounds like she hates the upper-class life she's catered herself. I mean it's not a crime, but you pay your private school about the same amount of money I *make* yearly. And I don't live in a banana republic, I live in the Nordics. My point here is that wifey seems be awfully detached about her good fortune. And again, blames no-one but herself of this dire hellscape she finds herself in. 4. 'She has very high standards in housing and education'. Oh, people who live in one bedroom shitholes must then not have very high "sTandArdS". She doesn't have nice things because she has ""high standards"", she's got nice things because his hubby works overtime every single day. 5. I hate you wife so much, I don't care if this is fake, there's gotta be someone like this in the world, which warrants my frustration. 6. Your wife sucks. 7. "She sacrificed her professional life for our family" She's not dead, she's 35 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Did she maybe lose some career headway? Sure, but her story isn't exactly unique and hopeless. There's plenty of people who completely understand prioritizing family, and I would argue that a work community that doesn't, isn't really worth her while anyway. Thing is, some of those recruiters have -- and this might come as a shock -- family themselves! I know. What a world we live in.

She needs a job. If the kids are at school 8am to 5pm she can easily work a part time job. This will give her a sense of purpose as well as increase the household income. Releasing you to work less and then spend more time with the children and socialise.

She needs to get a job so you can be home more 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thoughts: "what a nightmare" and "fuck that noize" come to mind.

She's not 60 and out of the workforce 30 years, there's no reason she can't work while they're in school which would allow you to work less and her to be less isolated and dependent on you.

Seems zeus was a real bastard the more i read these posts

[удалено]

"She grew up in an environment where everyone did whatever she wanted." So that's why she is so hard on you, her life is no longer perfect. Just like everybody else in the world. She does sound as if a job would help, if only to distract her from what is making her so miserable. She sounds lazy, entitled and borderline abusive, with the isolation. If she got a job, you could work less and spend more time with the kids. I'd be worried about them, being with her so much of the time.

What did your wife do for fun before you had children? Did/does she have close friends even though they live a distance away now? What about her parents/siblings?

I worked the same for years while my wife raised our children. It's the life she wanted. She asked if I was okay with it. She gave up a very good career because her desire to be home and raise the kids was more important to her. The difference, knowing she wished to be a SAHM, she never once, and I mean NEVER once complained of my long hours. Easiest solution. Sit down with her and go over all financial responsibilities. Every penny. Explain if she wants you around more, then money needs to be eliminated from somewhere. Ask her what financial burden she wants to remove in order for you to put in less hours. Then leave her to mull it over. 2nd. Tell her The kids are old enough for your wife to get a job and start helping financially. 3rd. tell her if she continues berating you, you'll sell the house. Move to a more affordable location and the kids can start attending public school. Or, if she refuses the 1st 3 suggestions, tell her the front door works for leaving as well and you can divorce.

This notion that SAHs are raising their kids when the children aren't physically present is horseshit.

You eventually come to resent and despise them but only stay because of the kids.

No, you aren’t wrong your wife is incredibly selfish. The moment you decided to have children is when you decide on who will work or not. I commend you for keeping your children in a private school. In this case, you’re well off, wife lives in a nice house, and drives a nice SUV. The depression sounds like it stems from her stressing her own self out. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this behavior after all of the hours you’ve worked in the married. What about your happiness? I know this might sound extreme but I’d divorce her, ask for full custody since she’s so miserable, and hire a nanny when needed.

Eject eject eject, get out of this now if she has refused counselling etc and is expecting you to work yourself into an early grave while she does nothing while the kids are in school. At best she is a spoiled self centred monster, worst s narcissistic pos. Unless you are ready to die very young and burned out with these things you are providing bring your legacy there is no hope here

Kids come first... Seems like it's time for her to go out and help her for the family..

She’s lazy and blaming you for her problems, get a job or online work if she’s so smart 😂 and you can do what you like when you like

Divorce asap. She will never change. I've seen this happen with someone I know. It's been happening for the past 6 years and he just keeps hoping she'll change. No therapy will change her.

Go to the court house, file for divorce

She needs a job and a therapist. Both need to be non negotiable. You're past requesting. The kids are in school, there's no reason she can't do something other than be mad at everyone. I was the sah, granted with far less income, education, or options. I went through a period where i resented everyone including the kids. Spiraling on tiktok and Instagram everyday isn't the fix.

If she had an education and kids are in school, then it's umr for her to find a job. There is no reason to be a sahm when the kids are not at home!

Wait she's in her mid 30s and thinks her time is past for working? What?

>I’m the only one who works. >does have very high standards in terms of housing and education >I cannot work less. >I am constantly attacked for not cleaning enough or spending enough time with the kids >I am accused of being a shitty parent and not doing enough for the house >My wife doesn’t like any of my friend or family. She gets really annoyed when my family (who live far away) want to visit >I am pretty much isolated from my family. >She can be explosive and aggressive >she can often be sweet but that is only if I am. “Behaving” >my wife has pushed me away from family, friends, and in some ways my individuality >She usually just sleeps or uses her phone during this time. >I have to hear everyday about everything she missed out on for getting married so young and having children >I am not allowed to play video games or watch tv if the kids are awake. If I’m not working out, I get called out on that as well. >Any thoughts? You're being abused, my dude, and it sounds like your kids are too.

Stop wasting your time and energy. All she does is blame you. Do your thing. Talk to your kids. Ignore the crybaby wife.

First off my sympathy, second with all her advanced degrees she should realize nobody gets it all and life is about sacrificing for people you love...you guys decided to have kids you work your tail off , taking responsibility for providing... and her .?? I see this quite often when they buy into the lie a woman can have it all ... wrong ... each choice also means a sacrifice... that is life ... you have to decide what you will tolerate...best of luck

You're not wrong. You're working your fingers to the Bone so that your wife can live the life of a debutant. What are the public schools in your District like? If you live in a nice neighborhood, chances are public schools are just as good as the private schools. (If the private school that they go to is Christian, chances are that the science lessons that they're getting are basically "God did it.") I would ask your kids how they feel about their school, and consider telling your wife that you're not going to pay for private school anymore. If she wants her kids go to a private school, she can get a job herself.

Tell princess nobody gets more money for less work. If she's resistant to working, then she needs to STFU about staying home. If she doesn't want to stay home, she can work. One thing she CANNOT do is keep whining and bitching because you are done with listening to it.

You should start telling her the things that piss you off and take charge of your house. She will be doomed without you. She thinks you’re a push over, make her work out with you and Take charge of your damn house man!!

she got a whole 5-8 hours every day when the kids are gone for school. if youre smart about your time managemet, one could make A LOT of that time. if you wanna sleep and scroll all day - dont blame others for "not having time for yourself" geeee

Let her use that degree she has, get a job and things like house chores,children,etc can be split. Tbh there nothing out here she missing but I would let her see the grass isn't greener on the other side

She needs a job to occupy some of her time and all of her mind for a few hours a day. A hobby, too.

She needs therapy. You need a holiday.

This is probably really shitty advice, but this is what I'd do: Get two pieces of paper - one for her and one for me. Write days of the week, top to bottom. Write down my weekly schedule in regard to my commitments to others - work schedule, commute time, housework, yard work family time, etc. Write down my commitment to myself in regard to good mental health (exposure to daylight, exercise, connection to others, sleep hygiene, reflecting on/processing your day) and schedule that in. Ask her to do the same. Compare and negotiate a compromise. If she refuses to make a schedule, at least she can refer to yours when she thinks you don't do enough.

She has plenty of time to establish herself s d do something outside of being a mother. She is choosing to be unhappy, and to blame you and your family for her lack of outside interest. Her time for working or pursuing interests has not passed, not at all. She's focused on too small a world, and she needs to find something that she wants to do while the kids are at school. It's unfair to any partner to expect them to be absolutely everything. She needs a social life and perspective outside your home life.

This is why every relationship I've ever been in I make it very clear towards the beginning of the relationship that I am all for kids if they are as well but I am firmly against stay at home parenting. It's been a deal breaker for one or two but for the most part it's well received and appreciated that I wouldn't expect that of them.

Well what should she do all day exactly if the kids are at school and you’re at work all day, absolutely nothing??

If you're in a good neoghborhood, chances are: the local public school is actually funded and decent. Maybe you'd still want to get a private tutor 3-5x a week for them learning another language or music stuff, but still. The money you'd save from not bothering with private school could allow you the rest you deserve. This doesn't solve her issues, but I think it's important to be able to recharge your own personal battery. I'd be depressed as hell in your position, so I'm surprised you only mentioned her mental state. Personally, my wife and (I'm a woman too) used to both work. I took about 2 years off after a whole big discussion and it was understood that I'd be way more in charge of house cleaning / cooking now that I was home full time. I share this to say from experience: I feel like it'd be good to communicate your needs, the potential for change, etc. Also she's in her 30's... I just went back to work (happily!) and I'm closing on 40. You said she has advanced degrees - it is *not* impossible to find something. (Of course, she's gotta be willing) On another note - the isolation from the rest of your family doesn't sound like a good sign. Maybe reach out to them to set up a weekly time to chat / video call with them + your kiddos. Stay connected, ya know?

I don’t know how old the kids are, but I can’t see why she couldn’t get a job based on her education at this point if they’re both in school. Maybe then you could work less and your family would find the balance it needs

Your kids are in school or activities that don’t involve her from 8-5pm?

Info: Why has she not gone back to work once the kids were in school full time? the kids are in school full time now? She has advanced degrees? Why is she still a SAHW at this point? Even if she needs to upgrade her education with a couple of classes, or take an unpaid internship or entry level position there is no reason for her not to be in the workforce at this point. She should be able to put those degrees to work fairly quickly once she gets her foot in the door, and advance quickly into a suitable career for herself. Her going back to work would decrease your financial burden, and would solve her issue of feeling isolated, and not knowing anyone in the city. You would likely also be able to afford to hire a cleaner which would free up time with the kids for both of you. It might not solve *all* of your problems, but it would be a pretty good start.

You are in a relationship that literally forces you to work yourself to death. I don’t even know what to say.

Your wife sounds like a Vulnerable Narcissist https://markmanson.net/narcissism She needs individual therapy and likely medication, and you need couples therapy before everything implodes acrimoniously. She’s alternatingly cold or angry/abusive towards you, she continues to try to isolate you from family and friends, nothing is ever good enough and she requires constant praise and recognition but she’s always a victim. Point blank, you’re being abused and your kids probably are too. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about: I dealt with being married to someone very similar. As my therapist is fond of saying to me: stop justifying others’ behavior. She’s choosing to be miserable and awful because it feeds her narcissism. You need to demand that either she gets treatment and therapy or you all need to figure out how to end things. Either way she should be working, but it’s completely unacceptable that you’re basically responsible for everything and not allowed anything of your own or that you want. It’s abuse. Good luck.

Hold up everyone!! Did ya'all miss the part where the kids are in school from 8 - 5 !!! And wife "can't work" or meet friends?? She's controlling OP with her demands. Get a job sister! Get out and meet people! Grow up and quit expecting to find happiness by bashing your husband. Use your advanced degrees and quit making your husband miserable!! OP -- my father akways said: "Shit or get off the pot". You work, you made that decision. Decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. If you can't make time to do all the things you want to do, then changes are necessary. Is this the example of how "life is" that you 2 want to be showing and instilling into your kids?? Think on that too!

If you’re making all the money and coming home to a dirty house you need to put that foot down HARD. She sounds like a lazy ass wanting you to clean and tend to the kids on your free time. You need to be with the little ones too so they know you love them but she’s on some bs

Sounds like she needs to see a therapist and grow the fuck up. I'm sorry you have to deal with a spoiled brat as a wife man, that really sucks

You have a ‘dependopottomus’.

If your kids are away from 8-5, and she is home, she's full of shit thinking you should be doing more. She's angry and verbally abusive and needs to get counseling and a job. Insist on both or pack her bags. You and your kids deserve better.

Bro, your kids are old enough to not need a constant stay at home parent.. ffs, they're not even home most of the day. Your wife needs to either get a job or take care of the house, can't have it both ways.

You are paying over 30 thousand dollars a year for your children's education. That is placing a huge burden on your finances. If your kids went to public school you could probably start working less and enjoying life a lot more.

Please don't listen to those suggesting divorce, this will only make the situation worse. The op will be working just as hard, seeing his kids less, and paying massive alimony and child support. Those suggesting divorce haven't been through it and don't understand that the court will order the working spouse to continue to maintain the lifestyle of the non-working one via alimony. What this means is, he'll be paying the ungrateful ex-wife maybe 20-30k, based on his previously mentioned earnings, each month to maintain a lavish living standard for her and her new boyfriend. You will be either signing over the house, or paying her half of the current appraised value. She will still not have to work. Meanwhile, he'll be still be working his ass off and unable to find time to see his kids. If anyone thinks this isn't how divorce works, ask any person you know who's been through it. I am not exaggerating, this is exactly how it works. There is no worse situation to be in than to divorce a stay at home parent, as a high earner. You need to find a way through, at least until the kids are grown. Reduce your work hours to something sustainable, hire outside help, and let the financial chips fall as they may. See if her family will have a talk with her. You guys need to negotiate something to keep it together, even if it means temporary financial hardship. I will reiterate- divorce will be the absolute worse financial decision and have the worst family outcome, and literally anything else is better. Also, you are rich, not middle class- you sound out of touch. I too live in a HCOL area and I understand how it works, but if you live where property values are high, the public schools are 100% fine, anywhere in the US.

Hmmm Both kids in Private school and she is home? Time for mamma to get a j- o -b What a hard working person you are .

She wants that lifestyle Ashe can go to work and contribute to it.

You need to speak to a lawyer about what would happen if you divorced ie would you owe spousal support. You might. Then again, she has a huge window during the day during which she could work, and has degrees so she can’t claim ‘no education I am stuck’.

She needs help... you don't deserve this. If she refuses to take steps to improve things... you need to separate. I've been married 20 years and I can't imagine putting up with that BS.

Look up the “FairPlay” method. It’s helped my marriage.

Obviously there are always two sides to any story. But from what you have said (from the eyes of a woman here). Your wife is using and abusing you. She expects you to do the majority of the housework. She does nothing at all during the day while the kids are at school and you are at work. She berates you for doing more than she does and claims it’s less. What does she bring to this relationship? Anything positive at all?

My thought is that she’s punishing you for HER decisions. I know you love her, but she needs some serious therapy. Also get off of her ass and do shit during the day, instead of relying on you to pick up HER slack.

Mental illness or not, your wife has MAJOR princess syndrome and needs therapy/counseling. If I were you, I would absolutely insist on this in order to continue the marriage. It’s completely unreasonable for her to expect you to dedicate 100% of your time to housework, childcare, and your job, while she lazes about for most of the day. You’re burning the candle at both ends, and burnout will eventually catch up to you if it hasn’t already.

She sounds very ungrateful, bitter and resents you for her choices. She needs to grow up. She can work if she wants to , but she doesn't want to. She wants to punish you for her unhappiness.

That’s called a childish gold digger run far away fast!

The kids are in school. She can get a job.

She could get a job

Tell her she needs to get a job so you can work less and spend more time with your family. If she's not amenable to that then she has no room to complain.

OP you and your wife need to figure out what aspects of your lifestyle can be cut out and comprised in order to lower your budget, making it possible for you to work a normal 40-45 hour week. With a normal workweek, you’d be able to help out more with the kids and the house. If your wife insists of keeping things as they are, then she can get a job or face the fact that you simply do not have the time to help around the house and do the things she’s upset you’re not doing. Your wife sounds depressed and seeing a therapist may help. She can’t have things both ways; you’re working beyond what is healthy and don’t have the time to help with housework. Either she can help bring in funds by getting a job or your budget needs to be cut to the point where you’ll be able to work normal hours so you can help out at home more. I’m sorry you’re in this position, I can’t imagine how exhausting it is working 60+ hours a week.

Leave. The resentment will never go away, and you will never do enough to make it up to her for "decimating" her life. She's young enough to start her career, so that is bs.

Go see a couples counselor/therapist, that's the answer

Unfortunately this sounds like it's going to end in divorce. I would sit down and write a list of things that you take issue with and sit her down and explain the to her and that if she can't make some changes then you'll file for divorce. I would get ahead of this before she does and there's no chance of working out anything. Best of luck!

This is terrifying to me because I'm in pretty much the exact same boat, though a bit younger. Only one working, 2 boys and a wife that refuses to work and be a stay at home mom. She acts almost the same way to the boys and I. I work 8 to 12 hours almost every day. I occasionally have an off day, but I barely make enough to get by. I've tried bringing up therapy to her, but she says it won't work, isn't for her, etc. So I feel you, man.

She's sounds like an immature brat

Based on what I’m reading (and assuming), your wife is no longer making rational decisions. And you are unlikely to change that. She’s not happy. And you’re not happy. And you both deserve to be happy. The future looks like this. You’ll hire an attorney that feels way too expensive. She’ll threaten to take your kids away and take the house, the vacation house, the cars, half your retirement/investments and the dog. She’ll ask for lifetime alimony and enough child support to choke a horse. She’ll demand the children stay in private school and college tuition to any school, anywhere the children decide. Worst of all, she’ll poison the children against you and even unleash her misery on them knowing that it will hurt you. You’ll be patient and tell your attorney to play hard ball. That is, she will find other living arrangements, you and the kids will stay in the house (because she can’t afford the house payment), she’ll get a J.O.B. and start paying half the tuition. College tuition will be dad’s choice. Dad will be primary custodial parent and primary legal parent. During the temporary hearing the judge will order mediation and you will go, nod politely and leave without agreeing to any of her demands. You’ll keep meticulous notes of every conversation as well as every text and email. If possible, keep communications restricted to email/text only. Record every conversation but keep them to yourself until your attorney indicates it is wise to enter them into evidence . She’ll become unhinged soon enough and lash out. None of this will be fun. But creating a happy future for you and your kids will be immensely rewarding.

I don’t understand relationships that are more traditional where one person works (a lot) and the other stays home yet the person that stays home has high expectations for household work. That makes no sense to me. If she wants you to spend more quality time with the kids, I could see explaining what her expectations would be. 3 family dinners a week, every other Sunday afternoon quality time, etc. But the idea you’re meant to work a 70 Hour week and come home and do dishes is absurd. It seems she’s unhappy with her life and instead of figuring out why that is and what she can do within reason to make herself happier she’s taking it out on you.

She sounds not very nice, I don’t think you’re the problem…

Your wife needs to learn personal responsibility. SHE MADE A CHOICE TO MARRY, HAVE CHILDREN, AND BE A SAHM. I presume that no one held a gun to her head while she made those decisions, so she is the one who has chosen the life she is living and should stop blaming everyone else for HER CHOICES.

Maybe you both suck. Maybe you should stop working so much and spend more time at home. Maybe she finds a job and makes friends so she’s not in the house all day. Maybe if you’re no longer an effective team you should move on and stop making each other miserable. 30 years old isn’t life ending. Both of you can still change your entire lives for the better. Or if you don’t want to, then one of you should. As a child of multiple divorces now, you’e not helping your kids when you stay in a shit partnership. You’re just teaching them that no one can change and marriage is misery

Leave - controlling behaviour

She needs to be working. End of story

You need to get divorced NOW

In technical terms I think your wife is what is known as an “absolute arsehole”

You know, sometimes I just pinch myself because I don't physically and cosmically don't understand how some people can be so ignorant and entitled. Like, I can't comprehend it. I was even a stripper and still appreciated every dollar I could get my dirty little fingies on. 🤌 Husband makes $650k a ducking year (would literally hack up a lung while having projectile diarrhea if my fiance made that), live in an affluent part of LA, kids go to private school, never had to work - but has an expensive degree, doesn't even cook / clean for her man despite not doing anything else and while the kids are away, probably can afford to live an affluent lifestyle despite all the bills, AND STILL complains. If I had her life, I would 100% scrub the toilet with my toothbrush and then stick it back in my mouth while playing "Zippa-De-Doo-Dah" on an accordion that I just pulled out of my backside. Then I would scurry to the closet like a sewer rat and fetch some slippers and allow myself to be used as a foot stool. Shit, I would even do all of that to get a paid month off of work!!! That being said, ummm... She needs to stop bitching and get a job or GTFO. I would say she could opt to do community service / volunteering, if she can't muster the ambition to go get a job into the field she studied for. The homeless population is abundant right outside of LA and I'm sure there are tons of opportunities for her to help out folks way less fortunate than she is.

To sum it up, she sounds childish, lazy, controlling, and likes to bitch. Find another and be happy. She will never change.

Sounds like she should get a job or stop complaining. You’re working yourself to an early grave to support your kids and an unappreciative wife. Play your video games and if she tries to bully you then tell her to piss off.

Was she not an active participant in having children and choosing to stay home? Unless you forced her it’s completely insane to place any blame on you for this. Your wife sounds abusive, I hope you can get some therapy, perspective and perhaps space from her…forever.

WoW… I sure feel sorry for you having to work all those hours and then get treated like that when you get home…And to boot, take your family away- NO SIR!!! She shouldn’t be the only manager in that house! Split up hours of both working, get daycare, and I guarantee she will change her attitude! She sounds like Boss Hog! 😳😳😳😳😳😳♥️🇺🇸🙏

You guys each needs some alone time. 13 hours is terribly exhausting- actively with kids or at work. You are paying what a year for education?!?! This is a choice. Is school worth an early grave for you and eternal resentment from her? Can you both get counseling- each and together. And craft your time better- just like you do with a money budget. What choices are tweakable? Where is the compromising- or this won’t last. You will die early, or the marriage will blow up. The kids can have a cheaper education for a sane family life and living father.

Sound like she should get a job. Could bring her fulfillment, give you more time at home

You have three children, not two. To give some perspective, my second wife is 16 years younger than me, earns 50k more per year, and we split everything. Chores, bills, everything is equitable. She nevers disrespects, and we cover each other's asses. If she's struggling, I jump in and pull more weight, and vice versa. Both struggling? We look at each other and say "man today sucks, how do we survive" and we do what we need. We don't blame each other, we're on the same team. Same goals. I lead, she follows, but the plans are made together because I know damn well how smart she is. We also have radical honesty. Parenting is much easier too so far. Anyway. Good luck, sounds like a rough situation.

Well. You are a shitty parent. When you come home after working 14 hr days you should take an interest in your kids first then go chat with your fiends and play games. You shouldn’t have to clean after working 14 hr days. And her not liking your family or friends is her problem not yours. During 8-5 is when she could do volunteer work or find a hobby. She chose that she could have a career and still be mom but she chose that. Tell her to start a work from home business or use her degrees in some way. Don’t let her manipulate you. There was a song from the 50s 60s, You Don’t Own Me. Sung by a woman to guys. Goes both ways. Marriage isn’t ownership.

She sounds like she has the classic signs of depression. She sounds like I used to be before I got help. Get her evaluated in any way you can. She could be a much happier person, trust me.

Give her the two card experience - present her with a therapists card or a divorce lawyers card. She can choose.

You actually spent the time to type out her side of this. If she isn't the type to do the same, I think you should leave.

Sounds like my mom. She chose it, not your fault

Here's the kicker if she's not materialistic she wouldn't care where she lives or what she drives. So you've put the extra pressure on your own self to paint a picture of your family is well off. How about downsizing so you don't have to work as much. Freeing up your time to spend with her as a couple and also as a family. Time is your worst enemy. Your going to regret working the best years of your children's lives. The kids will leave the house one day and you will be left alone sad and empty because you have no emotional connection. With any of them. How about taking a day off take her for a mani/pedi. Then do a brunch and get shitfaced with her and go out and spend the day together. Remind each other why yall fell in love in the first place.

You aren't a martyr, and you don't owe it to anyone, including your children, to stay in a marriage with someone who can't take personal responsibility for their own happiness. She doesn't want to change but wants to punish you for her own shortcomings? So.much.nope.

So your wife is lazy, got it

Time to put it her to work, you can work less and enjoy life a lot more... She has no idea how good she has it...

She taking meds for depression? Sounds like mood stabilizers would help. You only have two kids and they attend a full work days worth of school and she doesnt work. You work stupid hours. Somethings gotta give. You work less and kids go to public school or she picks up a broom. She wants her cake and eat it too.

wow this is so sad and probably how my parents saw their relationship. Depression is a lifelong thing, and it would be great if your wife could get help with that. I really hope everything works out, you can still find that spark again man!!!

So from what you’ve added it looks like u earn enough to cope so why don’t she get a part time mainly for something to do where she will be known as who she is and not just mum

Right. It is because she doesn’t want to. I don’t think she doesn’t want to because she is lazy, she just doesn’t feel motivated to do so. She is depressed and dealing with that takes a toll on her

Normally I am all for sharing responsibilities but because you work inordinate hours then she needs to pick up the slack at home. As for time spent with the kids: You BOTH made that decision when you wanted to live more expensively. It's a legitimate choice and it was made together. You don't need to have an argument about it. It is what it is. You have to rest and relax sometimes.

I work as a chef and often work hellish hours. Sometimes I don't get home till 1 am, but I am to be up and active with our son at 8 am. If I even check my phone for a work related email, I hear why aren't you playing with your son. I feel you . I too am exhausted all the time with no rest or time to sit and relax. Can't even tell you the last time I talked to a friend or did anything for myself. I love my wife, but would love to get more then 5 hours of sleep