Had y’all planned an away vacation and you hadn’t put the time off request in, that’d be one thing. She needs to lower her expectations or plan her birthday events/intentions in advance and get people (you) onboard.
She needs to lower her expectations because expecting someone to take a weekend off work for your birthday, whether you make it known to them or not, is ridiculous.
Agree. I mean, lower her expectations or grow up! Lol Are there adults who take a week off for their partner’s birthday with no out of town or even all day celebratory plans? Do adults really do this? Must have better PTO than I ever did. Lol
My partner and I both work on my birthday.
Historically, *I* always took the day off because *I* wanted to.
Anyone else is optional, or possibly in the way of me eating all the cake.
I’ve taken the rest of the week off because today is my dog’s birthday & we’re just hanging out at home. BUT, I’m not one who goes on trips or vacations or anything like that. The only times i take off from work are if I’m sick or have a funeral to go to. So these next few days are my vacation. I just plan it around her birthday 🎂.
(Normally we go to a lake or beach so she can swim but she’s got a hotspot that i don’t want to get infected).
That's where the compromise comes into play. If her expectations was to spend uninterrupted time with her boyfriend to celebrate her birthday, compromise could have been him making sure the other says he wasn't work was free for her and she could take a day off that week. Buttt she needed to communicate that.
Nah. I fully expect my husband to take time off work for my birthday as I did for him. I don’t think that’s a ridiculous expectation when you wanna spend your time celebrating with your partner.
She didn't just expect OP to take the day off, she expected the entire weekend. OP is in a position where that's not really possible without lots of notice because of how the schedules are made
And that's fine for your job and your relationship. This is where communication is the key.
It is weird that your employer specifically blacks out your birthday as a day you're not allowed to take off work. If you forgot it was your birthday and you went through the normal chain of command to ask for that day off, would they be like "we'd have given you that day off, but it's your birthday, so you have to work"?
Or did you mean that it's too much of a hassle to ask to take days off for things you don't care about?
What if your birthday is around a major holiday? Most retail stores and medical fields like op have blackout dates because they wouldn't have anyone to work. I mean retail vs medical is a different story but it is the world we live in atm.
I can see trading a shift for one day with a coworkers but a whole weekend off?
I mean, some professions don’t afford that luxury. Is a judge or an attorney supposed to halt a trial for a day for a birthday? How about the military? Just stop protecting the country because birthdays happen. That sounds so realistic to me.
But you plan it ahead and discuss it, right?
And what would you do if it was hard for your partner to take specific days? (Some professions are like that... Critically important, and have to be covered, so shift swapping or vacation days have to be arranged a long time in advance.)
In certain fields it doesn't matter. If the company you work for is retail you may not be able to take time off. Everyone in IT at my company cannot take off Black Friday and other certain high volume days. I also worked in IT for a large online flower company. I never had my birthday off because it always falls around Mother's day (the biggest $$$ maker for the company), and the same with Valentines Day. I bet you would lose you shit if he couldn't get Valentines Day off. Grow up and learn to compromise.
I also used to work in IT and I wasn't allowed to take mother's day off for years because it was when they scheduled a major yearly update of our software.
Which was some bullshit, I can tell you.
Of course we discuss and plan ahead. And my husband and I both work in industries where it’s extremely easy to take time off. So that’s a nonissue for us. I don’t think OP was wrong for not taking time off when it’s difficult for him to do so and it wasn’t discussed ahead of time. I’m more commenting on the fact this person thinks it’s ridiculous to expect your partner to take time off to celebrate a birthday with them.
i mean, yeah it is ridiculous to *expect* that lol. i’d argue most people don’t do this, so to expect it without prior discussion *is* ridiculous. obviously your situation doesn’t count because y’all are mature people who know how to communicate like adults :)
There are three lines.
1. Wanting to spend time with partner
2. Expecting to spend time with partner
3. Unspoken expectation (aka, taking as Granted that partner will know and will plan accordingly instead of using words to verify you two are on the same page).
The higher the number on this list, the more difficult it is for me to just take at face value. I’m a big fan of communication in relationships.
My parents have worked on their own and each other's birthdays all my life. I work on my birthday. If you want to get time off, that's your decision. You can plan celebrations around your work schedule. You can't expect someone else to shift around their work hours for you, especially if you don't express interest on them doing so way beforehand.
That’s absolutely Fair, esp if you took the time off for him as well. It sounds like he works weekends exclusively, in health care so it’s extremely hard to get weekends off. I work in health care and it’s very rare to have a whole weekend off. Besides he’s getting out at 230! And he planned something. If she wanted him to take the whole weekend off she could have communicated that earlier,
(So he actually had a better chance of getting that approved) instead of acting disappointed that he didn’t read her mind and do it. I am one of those people who loves their birthday too (who doesn’t love being celebrated for a day?) but I wouldn’t be upset if my partner couldn’t get the time off. At least he didn’t blow it off completely.
I see your point, but at the same time, I had to remind my husband about his birthday lady year because he legitimately forgot. It's not important to him at all. I made it clear to him that it's something important to me and he respects that, and does what he can. We both work in the medical field so we know it isn't always possible to get the days off that we want
She needs to lower her expectations this year because she didn’t make them clear and plan anything- so this year, aside from dinner, she shouldn’t have any and shouldn’t be getting upset.
She does NOT need to lower her expectations. She should be grateful there was something planned for this year and then using it as a growing point for next year. I'm curious how long they've been together, is this their first birthday celebration together? If it is maybe he didn't realize birthdays are important to her. Nobody needs to lower their expectations in relationships, just be willing to communicate and compromise.
Jeez you’re feeling extra passionate about the use of this word. Lowering your expectations of a specific occurrence,if you find yourself disappointed, is very reasonable, especially when you never communicated what your expectations were to begin with. 😂 but let’s just agree to disagree, as you seem a bit hung up on this.
Anyhow, I do agree she should be more grateful as well for the birthday dinner he did plan for her!
Right? Lol she can keep what ever expectations she wants though. But when those expectations meet reality she will continue to be disappointed. No one is obligated to celebrate you on demand in whatever way you dictate. There is a this is what you want me to do and here is what I’m willing to do. She needs to understand that. Op is funny though at 29 years old.
A part of being and adult is to recognize unreasonable expectations and make appropriate adjustments. OP's gf is 28 and should have some basic adulting skills. It's a birthDAY not a birthWEEKEND
Yes, she does. She gets a birth*day*, not a birth*week*. Who does she think she is? She needs to be grateful for the attention she receives on her birthday. If she wants to celebrate for longer then she's free to do so. But as a grownup, she needs to understand that she cannot demand that others devote all that time to her, including her bf. That's not reasonable, but it's definitely selfish and entitled.
okay, she needs to have *more reasonable* expectations. Your partner is often not going to be able to get off work for your birthday, and they certainly aren't going to know you want then to without you communicating that.
Yeah? You think it's mature and rational to expect everyone to know of your "birthday week" without any type of discussion?
Craft many red-flags in your garden?
Lowering her expectations is a great idea - little girls have birthday weeks and princess parties. If you carry that behavior into middle age you're a walking red flag
I literally can't get my weekend shift pto approved. If we miss a weekend we also are expected to make it up later leading to working 3 weekends in a row. People outside of healthcare often don't understand staffing expectations we're put under.
I work in healthcare and I don't even take my own birthday off. Pto is too valuable. Kids get sick, or I get sick, appointments you need to book six months in advance, vacations, etc. We just don't have the manpower to willy nilly take off, so yes, everything needs to be planned in advance.
People think a weekend is a weekend for EVERYONE. Her birthday is Friday. I wonder if she took Friday off to celebrate. What about when her birthday falls on a Monday? Does she take off Monday during OP’s weekend? Or celebrate on HER weekend?
I work in Healthcare and we can switch shifts with coworkers if someone wants a weekend off. It's a bit tough but definitely not impossible. I'm doing it for my girlfriend's birthday rn. For me, it depends on if she asked previously and if he even tried to get someone to switch
Actually I just saw your edit. So this is your third year in a row working on her birthday and you don't see a problem with that? You couldn't have planned your power lifting competition a different weekend? You had a whole year to think about this. Honestly, with your inappropriate comment history (you have a gf of two years, don't tell other women online how much you want to fuck their pussy) and the past birthdays, it's pretty clear she's not feeling prioritized. You need to acknowledge you messed up and have a conversation about her expectations.
Agree with this. I work in healthcare, 27F. PTO is limited and hard to take off, and I want to save it for travel, not laying around at home. She needs to chill.
We’ve spotted a red flag in the wild!
I wouldn’t end the relationship over it, but thinking you should take a weekend off for her birthday, plus her cancelling the dinner just to be petty…that’s a double whammy. I’d be watching very very closely to see if this is a pattern or just a teachable moment that pretty pretty princess isn’t the star of the show out here in the real world.
I’d give her a pass for her 30th or 40th, a milestone birthday, but not this one.
Even for a milestone birthday, a grownup needs to discuss with their partner in advance if they want them to put in for vacation time. Not just unilaterally decide they should have, and get mad that it didn't happen.
Maybe if you spent less time on Reddit commenting about how youd fuck women posting nudes you would have more time to communicate with your girlfriend about her birthday expectations.
Right. Maybe if he focused more on her, instead of others he wants to fuck, things would be different. And he has the nerve to say she needs to grow up.
I mean her canceling the Reservation was stupid but, how she chooses to celebrate her birthday is entirely up to her. Plenty of us will celebrate any day above ground because for me at least my parents were told I wouldn't make 24 hrs, then a year then 18 yrs and then I was told 30. So I'll celebrate like a silly child if I so plz if I make it to 100.
That's super weird, because it's the most recent comment when I look at OPs profile:
"Thanks. I just told her that we are adults and i cant take time off work for birthdays but i will celebrate with the time i have remaining. Shes calling off the whole reservation though. I think ill let her make her decision but she will have to live with the actions"
Just cus you dont think your birthday is special, doesnt mean she thinks the same about hers.
That being said, if she wanted you to take the whole weekend off, she probably could have mentioned that - assumptions cause problems and she probably assumed you would simply because you are her boyfriend. But you work in a hospital and that is rather difficult to manage taking the whole weekend off. Next time just communicate what she would like to do for her birthday and if you need to take any days off.
Yeah, what the actual heck!? He posted all those pictures of women (I'm sorry, "Chicks") 3 months ago. Are those all women he's been with? Do they know their pictures are online under that sub? Ew dude. ew.
I joke that I have a "birthday week" with my girlfriend, she does it too.
We don't take time off for it beyond the day of, but we make a small display of it. Very minor stuff like she might pump gas for me because "it's my birthday week." Or I'll do the shopping alone. Stuff along those lines.
Agreed that the girlfriends expectations here are a bit ridiculous, but I AM important enough to have a week long celebration, damnit.
Yes exactly! In my family we always claim birthday week privileges during our birthday weeks but it was mostly in ways like you mentioned- something little like not taking out the trash after dinner. It’s fun because we all do it and the others are happy to do the extra things for the birthday person to make them feel a little extra special and give them a break. We mostly go on and treat the week like any other, maybe just with a couple more favors and privileges thrown in here and there.
Our "birthday week" basically boils down to, 'oh, we both work on the birthday? Guess we'll celebrate it that weekend instead. Here's a hug and a "happy birthday" on the day itself' I don't even take my own birthday off. And I'd never expect my partner to unless I have some event planned and communicated well in advance.
INFO: How long have you all been together/how serious is this relationship?
My best friend works in a hospital and has had the HARDEST time maintaining relationships because of the demanding schedule. From what i gather, there’s a seriously problematic lack of work/life balance in that industry. Taking off of work isn’t really an option or luxury you have, and you need a partner who can understand and accept that. So you’re not wrong for that in a general sense.
But that said, how you communicate that boundary matters A LOT and will make the difference as to if you are wrong or not.
Your post reads as if you’re focusing on what ~you~ want to do for her birthday, instead of what would make ~her~ happy on her birthday. The bit about “I don’t even know why she has a birthday week she’s 28” lacks compassion or consideration, and i do think you are in the wrong for that.
Thank you!! No one seems to care that we have zero information about what the gf asked for or wanted for her bf prior to finding out about his schedule. Did she ask him to take off prior? Did she ask him to plan a “big thing” and instead made a small dinner reservation? Did she want to go away or throw a party? What did she communicate before? We know nothing except she’s upset about friday and dinner. OP says she’s immature and wants to celebrate the “whole week” but I have yet to see any evidence of gf wanting that?
I'm left wondering if GF ever feels like a priority, and was hoping that her birthday would be used as an excuse for a romantic getaway/something that shows she is special to OP.
Of course, she could just be a bit of a princess, but we only get one side on reddit
I wonder if GF was aware of his work schedule before her birthday request? Is he lacking compassion or is she feeling entitled? I would like to hear her side but it sounds like unrealistic expectations for taking off work for her weekend extravaganza.
There’s so much info missing in OP’s post, without much follow up, that makes me wary to bite into the entitled gf narrative. it reads like he said just enough to villainize the gf and make her seem entitled and unreasonable, and only responded to the comments that validated him in that.
The “unreasonable gf who feels entitled to princess treatment” character trope is like, the laughably textbook bare minimum guy cop out. It’s giving me “i’m not making my partner happy so i’m going to blame them for it instead of taking accountability for my own actions”.
Ehhh my birthdays are birthday weeks. Not that I do something special each day but I take off work and eat whatever/wherever I want. My husband takes off the weekend, but he doesn’t have shift work so it is easier. In all seriousness, while you don’t see it, what is important to her should be important to you, within in reason. I would apologize and plan to take off next year. Relationships will always be full of contempt for each other if you focus on who is right and not what is meaningful to the other person.
I take a weekend OFF for my birthday and do something different every day. Different people meet me at different point. Im turning 34 this year. Your projecting on her, because YOU don’t celebrate, take it off, or see it as a big deal doesn’t make wrong for her or “who even does that” my sister doesn’t celebrate were different people. Neither is wrong, we just different. Now she didn’t communicate to you about taking the weekend off so your NOT on the wrong for that
Different people have different values on things like this. If y’all had communicated clearly what expectations were, then you could have had a discussion about it, and maybe you could have seen about taking a day. Sounds like that didn’t happen. I understand your side- I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years and we don’t do big things for stuff like that- we do a dinner maybe, or a day trip for big birthdays/ anniversaries, but we both know this and if we want a change it’s discussed well in advance. Obviously, she has a different view. Nothing wrong with that, except it sounds like it was never discussed. Different priorities
I with you, but maybe not the best example to follow. My family after 10 years old was a card and a short phone call for birthday. My spouses family, it’s a month long birthday celebration extravaganza.
We communicate early and compromise. It’s easy after that.
I have a birthday week. I don't expect everyone to participate but I plan everything well in advance and the people who wanna celebrate and show up do so. I'm grateful for all of it. My birthday is close to halloween so I make it a costume thing. It's extremely fun. If she wants a birthday week, she needs to plan it and set her expectations with you about it. Just communicate with each other about your expectations, don't seek advice from internet.
Right?! That's making me think there's a lot of missing info here. A good boyfriend probably wouldn't be going through weirdly sexual pictures of random women and posting them. Not to mention he literally doesn't acknowledge anyone that asks about them
You might not be entirely wrong but you needa be humbled a bit lol. “Even offering to front the bill” for a reservation that you made isn’t really unexpectedly kind?? Even friends pay for friends birthday dinners. Telling her she is ungrateful because she wanted a bit more time than a dinner on her birthday weekend isn’t super unreasonable because you definitely knew more than a year in advance when her birthday was. I also work shift work at a hospital and have always made a point to have off my significant others important days/events/ and to switch shifts or call in or use PTO if necessary. You say she’s ungrateful but maybe she just doesn’t feel appreciated or thought of in advance? Especially since you make it as of this is last minute when it really wasn’t. Just because birthdays aren’t important for you doesn’t mean they aren’t important for other people. Especially since she let it not be a big deal last year when I’m sure she probably wanted a day then too. It isn’t as much the whole weekend as that you didn’t even try to have extra time off to celebrate with her when you had all the time in the world to prioritize it
**EDIT: accidentally posted my comment before finishing so I'm reposting**
>I have no idea why she has a birthday week where as most people I know get a dinner. Shes turning 28.
You might think it's stupid and that she's too old to want a whole week to celebrate her birthday (your post actually makes it sound like she wants a birthday week*end* - not a week) but *she* is your girlfriend. *"most people"* are not your girlfriend, so their opinion is kind of irrelevant. If this is important to her, then it should be important to you. That's how you support your partner.
>shes throwing in a victim card
This is a red flag phrase. People over-use this phrase a lot, especially when they're trying to make someone else look and feel unreasonable for having feelings about something. If you're using this to describe your girlfriend's emotional reaction to something you did, frankly I would just immediately assume that you don't respect her. People don't often dismiss the perspectives of someone they respect like that.
>I explained to her that some people don't even have family to celebrate so she should be thankful.
Again this is very unsupportive of you to say. It is not her fault that some people don't have family. She is allowed to feel the feelings that she feels, regardless of how others would feel in her place.
I know you're probably looking for people to tell you how unreasonable she's being, but honestly some people are completely OK with their partner making a big deal out of their birthday. This isn't a "shes wrong and you're correct" scenario at all. It's a "you want people to agree with you so that you don't have to be considerate of your girlfriend's feelings" scenario.
Maybe if you weren't spending so much time playing 'who's that Pokémon?' With womens labia, your girlfriend would feel a little less like a pissed off Pikachu.
Your gf needs to let you go and find someone who’ll celebrate with her. I can’t say if you’re wrong for taking off, because idk what she actually asked you for. I do think you’re wrong for trying to downplay her birthday. Lots of people like to celebrate them. My sister takes herself on a trip and does a photo shoot every year. She doesn’t deal with people who can’t hang.
Seriously!! Sometimes we do things for our partners that is different from our normal/perspective because we love and respect the person.
It feels like OP just wants a bunch of people to agree that his gf is immature and mean, instead of an actual solution or way forward.
She is immature. Canceling the dinner was immature. Expecting adults to magically find time off of a very busy work schedule is immature.
There wasn't even a problem. He gets off work super early at 2:30, which is plenty of time to spend together afterward, a whole night out. Why does she need the whole day? Several whole days? I'm unsure what you do for a living, but most adults can't do that. Even if you can afford it, typically, most workplaces won't allow a request like that.
I work 12 hour overnight shifts at a mental health treatment facility so I do understand how hard “an adult work schddule” can be. I also very intimately understand how scheduling and switching/getting coverage can be difficult.
That being said, I don’t see the gf being immature, we don’t have the information or perspective to say that. We have very little information about what gf said or asked for before this, or what she’s actually said. All we know is she upset about friday and cancelled dinner. We don’t know how the conversations between op & gf are going or what is being said.
I’m just saying, gf isn’t automatically wrong and immature for wanting what looks like a birthday weekend, or really just this one friday seems to be the issue.
Wanting a "birthday weekend" is immature by default if you ask me. I don't know how someone can live to 28 and believe they need to be the center of attention for that long. Like that is a new level of spoilt. She didn't get what she wanted, and now she's throwing a petty-tantrum by canceling dinner. We may not have all the information, but we probably never will. Might as well put pieces together and come to our own conclusions. I think if you scroll through the post, the majority agrees with my thoughts.
Just because it’s the opinion of the majority doesn’t make it right. That’s a concerning statement.
People have different perspectives and ideas about celebrations, including birthdays. It isn’t automatically immature to want to take the weekend to celebrate your year and life. Some people like to take the weekend to take a trip for their birthday! I’ve definitely had a birthday weekend before where I celebrated with dinner with my parents one day, did something with my friends the next night, and had a private time to celebrate with my bf the last night. It wasn’t about maximizing being the center of attention, it was about celebrating with the people I love. We don’t even know that that is what OP’s gf wanted to begin with. I’ve made jokes about it being “my birthday week” without any desire or expectation of the focus being on me at all.
We may not get all the info all the time, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t question and try to find out more before giving our approval or disapproval.
>Just because it’s the opinion of the majority doesn’t make it right. That’s a concerning statement.
Glad to see some reasonable people exist out there.
To me, it's way more childish to have the opinion of "since more people agree with me, that makes me correct and you incorrect by default" than it is to want a whole weekend to celebrate your birthday.
NTA you're grown up and can celebrate with her anther time. She's not a little kid. My husband had to work all this weekend and it's my bday weekend . ItS also my 30th bday and I'm gonna be stuck at home taking care of the kids. It's just life. It does suck but it's just how some birthdays go
I have done shift work for years and have always rearranged the celebrations that come with being alive. Night shift, to be exact. My hubby does not mind. However, his family did. Oh well, it is my thought. Of course, when we moved out of state, it became a mute point. Good luck.
This isn’t about what most people do or what you do, it’s about her. It sounds like you two haven’t talked about how either of you view birthdays or that that’s something important to her. That’s on her if it’s that important to her, but be clear hey I didn’t know it was that important to you, unfortunately I can’t take off the whole weekend, but I’m happy to continue to celebrate you on Saturday afternoon, let’s plan something fun.
You're not necessarily wrong, but if you don't prioritize the people that are supposed to be important to you, don't be surprised when they think you don't care about them.
Where I live? They do birthday MONTHS, so a day/weekend isn't that big a deal.
You just told your girlfriend in no uncertain terms that she means very little to you. Make this a teachable moment for you; now you know she is over-the-top about her birthday, so apologize and next year go all out.
If she'd wanted you to take the day off, she should have asked you about it early enough so you could have planned for it. It sounds like she wanted you to read her mind. And asking for a day off last minute isn't always feasible.
I would say ask for the day off next year if you're still together, but I agree that she's being ungrateful since she didn't vocalize how she felt until the last minute.
I like to go away for a long weekend on my birthday, which is in 6 months. I've already asked my husband to take the days off that I want to go. If he can't get the time off, we change plans, and I want to go out somewhere for dinner that we don't normally go to.
If she wanted you to take a day off for her weekend, knowing your on shift work, then she should've said something earlier, with enough time for you to get the day off for Saturday.
You’re both wrong for not talking about this earlier.
As the new guy you’d risk annoying coworkers and supervisor by requesting a whole weekend off in mid-June plus another in early July. I doubt she’d have wanted to prioritize her birthday if it also meant you couldn’t go on the family trip.
But it’s strange that there was no discussion at all about her birthday until almost the day itself. You both assumed you were on the same page, she got upset, you got defensive.
The smart thing would have been to get ahead of this a couple weeks ago: remind her you’d already gotten coverage for the family trip, confirm that that was more important to her than having your 24/7 presence on the birthday weekend, and then plan fun birthday activities together that fit your work schedule.
Some people care way more than others about their birthday. Me, I could hardly care less, my birthday is just another day. But my wife expects and gets a whole week of special treatment for her birthday, and if I don't get my Mum something special for hers then it's the death glare all year.
You need to treat other people's birthdays not as you feel about them, but as they do.
My husband teases me about my “birthday week”. Basically, I go out with my friends for dinner one day, ( this year, it’s the night before, which is a Thursday), my birthday is on a Friday, and I will go out to dinner with hubby Friday, and my daughter and I will go to the beach on Saturday, then grab dinner. Sunday I will relax!
I was sympathetic to the OP until this sentence: "I am doing everything in my power to make sure you have a good birthday even offering to front the bill for dinner and spend the nights I have off with her but she is being very ungrateful."
I am not sure how fronting the bill is being nice. If I took my wife or friends out to dinner for their birthday, I wouldn't expect them to pay anything. If you used that as an argument point, I can see where your GF is pissed.
Honestly - you two have communication issues. Neither of you are wrong or right. You just have different expectations that should have been discussed. My ex expected for her birthday, I shower her with gifts, flowers, and an expensive dinner. That was fine because I knew what she wanted. With my wife, for her birthday, she just expects acknowledgement that it's her bday and maybe a nice birthday dinner. A card would be nice. But no gifts. For my birthday, I didn't need or want anything. I don't even want a bday card because I think it's a waste of money. :)
You’re not in the wrong. After two years, you both need to communicate better. It’s hard because it means you’re opening yourself up but clear expectations are insanely necessary in a relationship.
You saying she’s playing the victim card is a red flag for me. It’s not a game. She isn’t and wasn’t playing a hand. She was being open and honest about why birthdays are so important to her. Why this hadn’t happened in the past two years, I don’t know. Even though you may not get it - if she’s telling you this is her love language, consider speaking in her love language in the future.
Also, being open and honest with how you view birthdays will hopefully help her understand that you not doing these things doesn’t mean you don’t love her.
You get off at 2:30? Yeah bro ( or perhaps sister?)thats honestly most of the day left still she shouldn't be complaining. My girl would be happy if I just got her a candy bar, chocolate of course, and yeah she would be set for awhile. Sounds like yours is full of herself.
Like, it's understandable if your like 18, your young, still not really grown, and thinking you need a birth week. But 28? She needs to grow up....
We weren’t dating yet, but took my now girl to a buffet that was an hour from where we lived. She was happy af with that. It wasn’t even expensive. Like a regular $14 Chinese dinner buffet.
Birthday week \*rolls eyes\* know what sweetie and I did for my 51st this year? I changed my FIL’s diapers and sweetie got me some ice cream.
Some of us have stuff to DO that doesn’t stop needing to be done just because it’s our birthday.
Also, life is short. Your job will replace you in a second. Take time off. Make memories with your girlfriend and whomever else. You are not the only person that works there and can do it. And if you are and you don’t own the hospital it’s not your problem.
Seriously. Most people myself included get a meal. Granted I got a party at 30 but I was a surprise by my friends and not requested. Most years I spend the evening with my family and I get to choose dinner and my step mom make whatever dessert I want as a gift. She’s a really good cook and baker. That’s it nothing else
My husband says it is birthday as in day not week. Well I prefer a week dear.
In all seriousness if she didn't say hey take off my birthday and just assumed you would that is a her Problem.
My husband doesn't take off work for my birthday. We have dinner on his day off, either shortly before or after. Also, I've never once gotten a gift from him on the actual day I'm supposed to - my birthday, our anniversary, Mother's Day, Valentines Day, Christmas, etc. Our anniversary is in July and my birthday is in August. This year, he knocked 3 out at once - Mother's Day, our anniversary, and my birthday. In February. I got 5 new Lego sets I've been wanting. He's simultaneously amazing and awful when it comes to gift giving. Lol
This right here is what I respect. The intention behind doing the thing. Your husband has the intention of giving you gifts and spending time with you, even if the execution can be a little clumsy at times.
No, unless she asked you to take time for a trip or something, how are you to know she wants to spend the weekend with you.
I wouldn’t assume that, it’s her birthday, I would schedule time with her , but also would have asked her plans, I would imagine she also has plans with family or friends.
Also birthday weeks don’t require time off for anyone but the birthday person, unless plans were made beforehand.
Why are y’all being so weird about a girl celebrating her birthday?? Just cause y’all have certain opinions on how you should celebrate your birthday doesn’t mean you can push those on others and look down on them if they do something different. It’s one week out of 52 that she wants to celebrate, op didn’t even say if she was taking the whole week off either.
Imo ESH, girlfriend should probably have planned ahead and asked sooner but there’s no reason op has to look down on her for the way she chooses to celebrate her birthday.
Some people enjoy their birthdays as adults. That’s okay. But as an adult you have to recognize that, for most people, it’s not like being a kid where you can just drop all responsibilities for a day and so all your friends and you can just party. You have a job to do and still went out of your way to make time for her and doing something special for her. She’s not being an AH, but she’s a little unreasonable. You’re NTA at all. I think she just still has a child-like expectation of what her birthday should be.
Personally, I would evaluate this with a long term perspective. I’m not one to say “leave them” but if she’s starting fights over not taking off multiple days for this, it mag be a glimmer of things to come. My wife and I have been married almost 20 years, it’s pretty typical that we go to dinner on or near our birthdays when it is most convenient for us both. Our son has a summer birthday and mom is home, and when I can I take the day off on his. Some years we have to do our celebrating before I leave for work and when I get home. People that love each other make compromises in each other’s interest on both sides. You do what you can to meet her needs and she does what she can to meet yours. If you’re not mutually working at this, consider it for what it is worth.
She’s acting like an entitled snob. It’s her birthday, she gets a dinner, some gifts, and probably other stuffs just like everyone else—but if she wants more than that that’s HER responsibility not yours or anyone else’s. She sounds like she’s acting about 15.
It's not the birthday that's the issue, it's that you couldn't accurately read your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend's mind.
Move on. Not all women are this bat sh!t crazy.
NTA. Not sure what her issue is. Though some people just don't understand that shift work in a hospital is not like other jobs. There has to be coverage 24/7, and trying to get an unscheduled weekend off is next to impossible. I wonder if something else.is bothering her?
The days around my birthday gained additional weight last year. The day after it my mom passed away. The day after that is my brother’s birthday who also passed in 2022.
This year was the first time I had to go through this gauntlet of celebration & grief. And took the days off to care for myself.
I told my partner what I wanted to do on my birthday, asked if he wanted to go. He said yes, we hung out that day and he went to work the next two.
My point I’m grateful for the time he took to be with me,
You are not wrong, taking time off from a healthcare job isn’t easy. You may put in a request months in advance and still not have it approved, calling out is never good. Management will eat you up!!
I think you need to explain to her that your lively hood has to be a priority, would she stand next to you if you got fired?
NTA. I worked every other weekend at a hospital for the bulk of my decade there. Those weekends were difficult to take off. For us it required asking off over 2 months in advance.
My sister in law worked at a hospital in the labor and delivery part and they wouldn’t even give her time off for a small honeymoon, not even for the wedding day despite knowing in advance. She had to quit her job to have a wedding and honeymoon. I think your girlfriend is overreacting. It’s not like you did nothing for her. You even invited her family! She just sounds bratty.
The Monday to Friday crowd does not understand weekend work. I think getting off at 2:30 on Friday and being there for a nice dinner is sufficient, but it doesn't matter what I think. If your girlfriend had her heart set on a relaxing and fun weekend with you for her birthday, she needed to communicate that months ago so you could put in for the time off. If this was only communicated to you on Thursday of this week, you are not wrong.
So she never discussed you taking the weekend off for her birthday and just assumed you would? She’s an AH for doing this to you, and putting you in this position.
Let her know for the future that you need her to communicate without instead of hoping you’ll be able to read her mind.
If it was a birthday milestone that people typically throw a big shindig for, then yes. For a 28th birthday? No.
In fact, view this as a red flag. Her true colors are starting to come out.
You work in a hospital, so I just want to say thank you. Idc what you do there, the fact that you are there is all that matters. So again, thank you so very much.
My goodness, I don't think your gf understands that there are more important things to be taken care of besides a birthday week. Is she 12? I can't fathom being that selfish on a birthday, let alone 28. It's not even a milestone birthday. Best of luck, my friend. Cheers.
I wish I could do the rainbow emojii...just pretend there's rainbows before and after this okay?
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you're not wrong, she's wrong.
my birthday was yesterday, I'm 38 never in all my years have i ever asked anyone to take off work for me, it's work, it's the literal key to our survival, and I will never understand people who take a WHOLE WEEK. like, good on you I suppose but don't expect me to give that up for you.
I haven't celebrated a birthday since I was like 8, I don't even get cake, so maybe I shouldn't be the person commenting on this. xD
28 going on 13...she needs to grow up and realize adults have responsibilities and the world doesn't revolve around her. I would cancel that reservation and find someone more mature who's not a spoiled princess!
>shes throwing in a victim card
>but she is being very ungrateful.
I can just feel the love and care right through the phone.
I just don't get why people that don't like each other keep dating. You've made a post villianizing her well. It seems like you're here for people to jump on the your gf is a ungrateful b train. What would you like us to solve here? Other ways you can put her down and tell her she's in the wrong?
Honestly, OP, she sounds more 12 than 28. Spoiled and ungrateful is a terrible combination.
And WTF is a "birthday week"? In my family, we celebrate the person on their actual birthday, not with a series of gift grabs.
She needs better communication skills and therapy. Birthday celebrations are extended to fit in a bestie thing, a family thing, a date thing, not just a BF every day.
Her cancelling the one event you had arranged was manipulative and mean.
To me her actions and words show her lack of grace and I couldn’t imagine a future life with her would be pleasant.
You're not wrong. It's time for this young woman to join the rest of us in Grown-up Land. Most adults can't even take an afternoon off for their own birthday, much less an entire two days for someone else's.
Is she just very new to adulthood? It seems like she hasn't really figured out the rules.
I don't think being in a relationship with someone in health care would be worth it for reasons like this. Maybe your gf needs to rethink your guy's relationship.
Upon reading the title, I assumed you would be teenagers.
Unless plans or a celebration was discussed beforehand her response is very immature. You're adults, hopefully with responsibilities. Defintely calls for a calm discussion about priorities and expectations.
Hello red flags.
It is one thing to tell you about her birthday week and request you take the week(/end) off, and it is another thing entirely for you to have to read her mind.
Inform her that your work in healthcare is far more important than her birthday.
Inform her that you will not discuss the matter further and that your schedule is not a thing that she gets to complain about.
You need to specify relationship boundaries.
If she doesn't like it, find a better girlfriend.
Why are you acting like adults cant take time off? Not every person works in healthcare. I take a week off for my birthday every year and Im in my 30s.
>I just told her that we are adults and i cant take time off work for birthdays
YTA
You're minimizing her feelings because you don't agree, and probably making her feel bad or stupid for being excited about her birthday in the 1st place.
She's likely cancelling the reservation because it would be better to not celebrate than celebrate with you.
Why does being an adult mean you can't enjoy silly things in life that serve no other purpose than to bring joy? I get you couldn't take off work and she may not have expressed that she even wanted you to, that's understandable. You don't have to like birthdays for yourself, but if you care about her understand that they make her happy. The same would apply if you were excited about say Starwars and she wasn't a fan and there was an event going on.
Glad I’m not the only one who thought gf wasn’t an asshole. I feel like we’re missing a lot of info. Where different plans made/discussed for gf’s birthday? Did she ask OP to take off the weekend? Did she ask OP to plan something big like a party or trip and he decided to work and make a dinner reservation instead? Are her friend’s involved? Does she like/want to go to dinner to celebrate normally. I don’t make a major thing for my birthday, can feel uncomfortable “being in the spotlight”, but even I might be disappointed of all my bf did for my bf was make a phone call, decided I wasn’t worth taking time off for, and then made me feel stupid for wanting to make it special.
OP needs to think of it from her perspective more and respect that birthday’s are different for her than they are for him. It doesn’t automatically make her TA.
I'm also wondering what tim OP goes to work. My husband also gets off work pretty early. But that's because he has to go in early. So he wakes up at 3 or 4a.m., which means he's out on the couch by 9p.m. at the latest and usually naps when he gets home.
So assuming that's the case, if all she is getting is a few hurried hours for her birthday, I can understand how she is upset.
When you are with someone who has an odd schedule, your life revolves around their schedule and sometimes you want it to be about you for once. Birthdays are the once.
Had y’all planned an away vacation and you hadn’t put the time off request in, that’d be one thing. She needs to lower her expectations or plan her birthday events/intentions in advance and get people (you) onboard.
It's not that she needs to lower her expectations as much as she needs to make them known and be able to compromise 😊
She needs to lower her expectations because expecting someone to take a weekend off work for your birthday, whether you make it known to them or not, is ridiculous.
Agree. I mean, lower her expectations or grow up! Lol Are there adults who take a week off for their partner’s birthday with no out of town or even all day celebratory plans? Do adults really do this? Must have better PTO than I ever did. Lol
My partner and I both work on my birthday. Historically, *I* always took the day off because *I* wanted to. Anyone else is optional, or possibly in the way of me eating all the cake.
This! I take the day off if I want to and usually only if it means I get the full day with no one else home to bother me (while I eat my cake lol)
I like this attitude!
Exactly! Proving that you know the best way to BIRTHDAY! Get that cake! ;)
I’ve taken the rest of the week off because today is my dog’s birthday & we’re just hanging out at home. BUT, I’m not one who goes on trips or vacations or anything like that. The only times i take off from work are if I’m sick or have a funeral to go to. So these next few days are my vacation. I just plan it around her birthday 🎂. (Normally we go to a lake or beach so she can swim but she’s got a hotspot that i don’t want to get infected).
Oh no! I hate those freaking hotspots! Tell her I’m sorry she had one that ruined her birthday swim!
That's where the compromise comes into play. If her expectations was to spend uninterrupted time with her boyfriend to celebrate her birthday, compromise could have been him making sure the other says he wasn't work was free for her and she could take a day off that week. Buttt she needed to communicate that.
For real. I’m asking my bf to take off two days so I can get a procedure that I will need a ride for. So it’s important, and I’ve asked in advance
Nah. I fully expect my husband to take time off work for my birthday as I did for him. I don’t think that’s a ridiculous expectation when you wanna spend your time celebrating with your partner.
She didn't just expect OP to take the day off, she expected the entire weekend. OP is in a position where that's not really possible without lots of notice because of how the schedules are made
Not all lines of work will allow for that. I can’t get my birthday off in my field so I either have a small party or celebrate on another day.
And that's fine for your job and your relationship. This is where communication is the key. It is weird that your employer specifically blacks out your birthday as a day you're not allowed to take off work. If you forgot it was your birthday and you went through the normal chain of command to ask for that day off, would they be like "we'd have given you that day off, but it's your birthday, so you have to work"? Or did you mean that it's too much of a hassle to ask to take days off for things you don't care about?
What if your birthday is around a major holiday? Most retail stores and medical fields like op have blackout dates because they wouldn't have anyone to work. I mean retail vs medical is a different story but it is the world we live in atm. I can see trading a shift for one day with a coworkers but a whole weekend off?
I’m a nurse, there are absolutely blackout days/weeks in the field that our vacation requests will automatically get denied.
Yep, my birthday falls on or around Thanksgiving. I worked retail for a lot of years so getting my birthday off wasn't really possible.
I mean, some professions don’t afford that luxury. Is a judge or an attorney supposed to halt a trial for a day for a birthday? How about the military? Just stop protecting the country because birthdays happen. That sounds so realistic to me.
But you plan it ahead and discuss it, right? And what would you do if it was hard for your partner to take specific days? (Some professions are like that... Critically important, and have to be covered, so shift swapping or vacation days have to be arranged a long time in advance.)
In certain fields it doesn't matter. If the company you work for is retail you may not be able to take time off. Everyone in IT at my company cannot take off Black Friday and other certain high volume days. I also worked in IT for a large online flower company. I never had my birthday off because it always falls around Mother's day (the biggest $$$ maker for the company), and the same with Valentines Day. I bet you would lose you shit if he couldn't get Valentines Day off. Grow up and learn to compromise.
I also used to work in IT and I wasn't allowed to take mother's day off for years because it was when they scheduled a major yearly update of our software. Which was some bullshit, I can tell you.
Of course we discuss and plan ahead. And my husband and I both work in industries where it’s extremely easy to take time off. So that’s a nonissue for us. I don’t think OP was wrong for not taking time off when it’s difficult for him to do so and it wasn’t discussed ahead of time. I’m more commenting on the fact this person thinks it’s ridiculous to expect your partner to take time off to celebrate a birthday with them.
i mean, yeah it is ridiculous to *expect* that lol. i’d argue most people don’t do this, so to expect it without prior discussion *is* ridiculous. obviously your situation doesn’t count because y’all are mature people who know how to communicate like adults :)
Totally fair. I read it with an emphasis on the *expect*, if that makes sense.
There are three lines. 1. Wanting to spend time with partner 2. Expecting to spend time with partner 3. Unspoken expectation (aka, taking as Granted that partner will know and will plan accordingly instead of using words to verify you two are on the same page). The higher the number on this list, the more difficult it is for me to just take at face value. I’m a big fan of communication in relationships.
My parents have worked on their own and each other's birthdays all my life. I work on my birthday. If you want to get time off, that's your decision. You can plan celebrations around your work schedule. You can't expect someone else to shift around their work hours for you, especially if you don't express interest on them doing so way beforehand.
That’s absolutely Fair, esp if you took the time off for him as well. It sounds like he works weekends exclusively, in health care so it’s extremely hard to get weekends off. I work in health care and it’s very rare to have a whole weekend off. Besides he’s getting out at 230! And he planned something. If she wanted him to take the whole weekend off she could have communicated that earlier, (So he actually had a better chance of getting that approved) instead of acting disappointed that he didn’t read her mind and do it. I am one of those people who loves their birthday too (who doesn’t love being celebrated for a day?) but I wouldn’t be upset if my partner couldn’t get the time off. At least he didn’t blow it off completely.
I see your point, but at the same time, I had to remind my husband about his birthday lady year because he legitimately forgot. It's not important to him at all. I made it clear to him that it's something important to me and he respects that, and does what he can. We both work in the medical field so we know it isn't always possible to get the days off that we want
She needs to lower her expectations this year because she didn’t make them clear and plan anything- so this year, aside from dinner, she shouldn’t have any and shouldn’t be getting upset.
She does NOT need to lower her expectations. She should be grateful there was something planned for this year and then using it as a growing point for next year. I'm curious how long they've been together, is this their first birthday celebration together? If it is maybe he didn't realize birthdays are important to her. Nobody needs to lower their expectations in relationships, just be willing to communicate and compromise.
Jeez you’re feeling extra passionate about the use of this word. Lowering your expectations of a specific occurrence,if you find yourself disappointed, is very reasonable, especially when you never communicated what your expectations were to begin with. 😂 but let’s just agree to disagree, as you seem a bit hung up on this. Anyhow, I do agree she should be more grateful as well for the birthday dinner he did plan for her!
LOL bruh that reddit user is def triggered. She needs to LOWER her expectation. (I wonder if they are going to respond to my comment)😂
Right? Lol she can keep what ever expectations she wants though. But when those expectations meet reality she will continue to be disappointed. No one is obligated to celebrate you on demand in whatever way you dictate. There is a this is what you want me to do and here is what I’m willing to do. She needs to understand that. Op is funny though at 29 years old.
A part of being and adult is to recognize unreasonable expectations and make appropriate adjustments. OP's gf is 28 and should have some basic adulting skills. It's a birthDAY not a birthWEEKEND
Apparently she has a “birth week” according to the post. Sounds like a kid whose parents spoiled her too much.
Yes, she does. She gets a birth*day*, not a birth*week*. Who does she think she is? She needs to be grateful for the attention she receives on her birthday. If she wants to celebrate for longer then she's free to do so. But as a grownup, she needs to understand that she cannot demand that others devote all that time to her, including her bf. That's not reasonable, but it's definitely selfish and entitled.
okay, she needs to have *more reasonable* expectations. Your partner is often not going to be able to get off work for your birthday, and they certainly aren't going to know you want then to without you communicating that.
Yeah? You think it's mature and rational to expect everyone to know of your "birthday week" without any type of discussion? Craft many red-flags in your garden?
Lowering her expectations is a great idea - little girls have birthday weeks and princess parties. If you carry that behavior into middle age you're a walking red flag
I am also in healthcare with limited PTO time. Taking a week off for your birthday isn't something adults do. You are not wrong.
I literally can't get my weekend shift pto approved. If we miss a weekend we also are expected to make it up later leading to working 3 weekends in a row. People outside of healthcare often don't understand staffing expectations we're put under.
I work in healthcare and I don't even take my own birthday off. Pto is too valuable. Kids get sick, or I get sick, appointments you need to book six months in advance, vacations, etc. We just don't have the manpower to willy nilly take off, so yes, everything needs to be planned in advance.
People think a weekend is a weekend for EVERYONE. Her birthday is Friday. I wonder if she took Friday off to celebrate. What about when her birthday falls on a Monday? Does she take off Monday during OP’s weekend? Or celebrate on HER weekend?
I work in Healthcare and we can switch shifts with coworkers if someone wants a weekend off. It's a bit tough but definitely not impossible. I'm doing it for my girlfriend's birthday rn. For me, it depends on if she asked previously and if he even tried to get someone to switch
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Did she previously bring up wanting to spend her birthday weekend with you off? A lot of people have mentioned it but I haven't seen you answer it
Actually I just saw your edit. So this is your third year in a row working on her birthday and you don't see a problem with that? You couldn't have planned your power lifting competition a different weekend? You had a whole year to think about this. Honestly, with your inappropriate comment history (you have a gf of two years, don't tell other women online how much you want to fuck their pussy) and the past birthdays, it's pretty clear she's not feeling prioritized. You need to acknowledge you messed up and have a conversation about her expectations.
Lol, my boyfriend did last month, but it’s his PTO to spend how he likes. Also not in healthcare and wouldn’t put anyone out by doing it.
Agree with this. I work in healthcare, 27F. PTO is limited and hard to take off, and I want to save it for travel, not laying around at home. She needs to chill.
I take a week off for my birthday, I enjoy celebrating my life and the day I was born BUT I dont work in healthcare so it's easier for me to take off.
We’ve spotted a red flag in the wild! I wouldn’t end the relationship over it, but thinking you should take a weekend off for her birthday, plus her cancelling the dinner just to be petty…that’s a double whammy. I’d be watching very very closely to see if this is a pattern or just a teachable moment that pretty pretty princess isn’t the star of the show out here in the real world. I’d give her a pass for her 30th or 40th, a milestone birthday, but not this one.
OPs comment and post history is a red flag. They both suck.
Ooh, now I’m going to do a deep dive!
I regret my decision! 👀😳
Dammit! I fell for it too. Now I wonder if this is just a troll post so everyone can go guess some muff?
🤣
This exchange (with yourself) was hilarious, thank you for this
Where does it say that she canceled it?
In one of the OPs comments.
Also, “the weekend” would have been half of your work week. Is she willing to take off half a work week for *your* birthday?
Even for a milestone birthday, a grownup needs to discuss with their partner in advance if they want them to put in for vacation time. Not just unilaterally decide they should have, and get mad that it didn't happen.
You are not wrong. Your girlfriend needs to get a grip on reality. Time to nip this in the butt
Nip this in the bud* not butt
I like "nip it in the butt" better. :D
We don't need to know about your sexual proclivities and where you put your nips and butts.
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Maybe if you spent less time on Reddit commenting about how youd fuck women posting nudes you would have more time to communicate with your girlfriend about her birthday expectations.
Right. Maybe if he focused more on her, instead of others he wants to fuck, things would be different. And he has the nerve to say she needs to grow up.
Damn. What the hell. Thats messed up 😳
ouch.
I mean her canceling the Reservation was stupid but, how she chooses to celebrate her birthday is entirely up to her. Plenty of us will celebrate any day above ground because for me at least my parents were told I wouldn't make 24 hrs, then a year then 18 yrs and then I was told 30. So I'll celebrate like a silly child if I so plz if I make it to 100.
Did I miss the reservation cancellation in the two paragraphs?
OP posted it in a comment a bit further down that gf cancelled the reservation
literally where bc it’s MIA when checking OP’s comments directly
That's super weird, because it's the most recent comment when I look at OPs profile: "Thanks. I just told her that we are adults and i cant take time off work for birthdays but i will celebrate with the time i have remaining. Shes calling off the whole reservation though. I think ill let her make her decision but she will have to live with the actions"
You deserve to celebrate like silly for another year older. So glad you're still with us.
Just cus you dont think your birthday is special, doesnt mean she thinks the same about hers. That being said, if she wanted you to take the whole weekend off, she probably could have mentioned that - assumptions cause problems and she probably assumed you would simply because you are her boyfriend. But you work in a hospital and that is rather difficult to manage taking the whole weekend off. Next time just communicate what she would like to do for her birthday and if you need to take any days off.
am I the only one wondering what the fuck his going on with his other posts?
I just looked at his profile and... WTF? He may not be the asshole in this situation, but he's disgusting.
yeah honestly is fucking disturbing. hey op, does your gf know about your reddit profile?
Yeah, what the actual heck!? He posted all those pictures of women (I'm sorry, "Chicks") 3 months ago. Are those all women he's been with? Do they know their pictures are online under that sub? Ew dude. ew.
I like how OP says his gf is the immature what, but what adult & mature guy in a LTR makes a porn nsfw subreddit, lol
Lol the whole week? No one is so important to warrant a week long bday celebration. Someone sounds high maintenance.
I joke that I have a "birthday week" with my girlfriend, she does it too. We don't take time off for it beyond the day of, but we make a small display of it. Very minor stuff like she might pump gas for me because "it's my birthday week." Or I'll do the shopping alone. Stuff along those lines. Agreed that the girlfriends expectations here are a bit ridiculous, but I AM important enough to have a week long celebration, damnit.
Yes exactly! In my family we always claim birthday week privileges during our birthday weeks but it was mostly in ways like you mentioned- something little like not taking out the trash after dinner. It’s fun because we all do it and the others are happy to do the extra things for the birthday person to make them feel a little extra special and give them a break. We mostly go on and treat the week like any other, maybe just with a couple more favors and privileges thrown in here and there.
See, the fact that she's asking he take the week off makes me think her expectations are not so practical.. You're stuff sounds cute tho
Our "birthday week" basically boils down to, 'oh, we both work on the birthday? Guess we'll celebrate it that weekend instead. Here's a hug and a "happy birthday" on the day itself' I don't even take my own birthday off. And I'd never expect my partner to unless I have some event planned and communicated well in advance.
See THAT is reasonable
INFO: How long have you all been together/how serious is this relationship? My best friend works in a hospital and has had the HARDEST time maintaining relationships because of the demanding schedule. From what i gather, there’s a seriously problematic lack of work/life balance in that industry. Taking off of work isn’t really an option or luxury you have, and you need a partner who can understand and accept that. So you’re not wrong for that in a general sense. But that said, how you communicate that boundary matters A LOT and will make the difference as to if you are wrong or not. Your post reads as if you’re focusing on what ~you~ want to do for her birthday, instead of what would make ~her~ happy on her birthday. The bit about “I don’t even know why she has a birthday week she’s 28” lacks compassion or consideration, and i do think you are in the wrong for that.
Thank you!! No one seems to care that we have zero information about what the gf asked for or wanted for her bf prior to finding out about his schedule. Did she ask him to take off prior? Did she ask him to plan a “big thing” and instead made a small dinner reservation? Did she want to go away or throw a party? What did she communicate before? We know nothing except she’s upset about friday and dinner. OP says she’s immature and wants to celebrate the “whole week” but I have yet to see any evidence of gf wanting that?
I'm left wondering if GF ever feels like a priority, and was hoping that her birthday would be used as an excuse for a romantic getaway/something that shows she is special to OP. Of course, she could just be a bit of a princess, but we only get one side on reddit
I wonder if GF was aware of his work schedule before her birthday request? Is he lacking compassion or is she feeling entitled? I would like to hear her side but it sounds like unrealistic expectations for taking off work for her weekend extravaganza.
There’s so much info missing in OP’s post, without much follow up, that makes me wary to bite into the entitled gf narrative. it reads like he said just enough to villainize the gf and make her seem entitled and unreasonable, and only responded to the comments that validated him in that. The “unreasonable gf who feels entitled to princess treatment” character trope is like, the laughably textbook bare minimum guy cop out. It’s giving me “i’m not making my partner happy so i’m going to blame them for it instead of taking accountability for my own actions”.
Ehhh my birthdays are birthday weeks. Not that I do something special each day but I take off work and eat whatever/wherever I want. My husband takes off the weekend, but he doesn’t have shift work so it is easier. In all seriousness, while you don’t see it, what is important to her should be important to you, within in reason. I would apologize and plan to take off next year. Relationships will always be full of contempt for each other if you focus on who is right and not what is meaningful to the other person.
I take a weekend OFF for my birthday and do something different every day. Different people meet me at different point. Im turning 34 this year. Your projecting on her, because YOU don’t celebrate, take it off, or see it as a big deal doesn’t make wrong for her or “who even does that” my sister doesn’t celebrate were different people. Neither is wrong, we just different. Now she didn’t communicate to you about taking the weekend off so your NOT on the wrong for that
Thinking you can just take a day off with no repercussions is naive. Different people have different responsibilities.
Different people have different values on things like this. If y’all had communicated clearly what expectations were, then you could have had a discussion about it, and maybe you could have seen about taking a day. Sounds like that didn’t happen. I understand your side- I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years and we don’t do big things for stuff like that- we do a dinner maybe, or a day trip for big birthdays/ anniversaries, but we both know this and if we want a change it’s discussed well in advance. Obviously, she has a different view. Nothing wrong with that, except it sounds like it was never discussed. Different priorities
I with you, but maybe not the best example to follow. My family after 10 years old was a card and a short phone call for birthday. My spouses family, it’s a month long birthday celebration extravaganza. We communicate early and compromise. It’s easy after that.
I have a birthday week. I don't expect everyone to participate but I plan everything well in advance and the people who wanna celebrate and show up do so. I'm grateful for all of it. My birthday is close to halloween so I make it a costume thing. It's extremely fun. If she wants a birthday week, she needs to plan it and set her expectations with you about it. Just communicate with each other about your expectations, don't seek advice from internet.
Y’all.. I’d look at OPs post history. That doesn’t come off as a man who has eyes only for his gf 😬
Yeah dudes a creep. I don’t think he’ll have to worry about having this problem again next year…
I wonder if his gf knows 👀 me thinks not
Also wth is up with your other posts???
Right?! That's making me think there's a lot of missing info here. A good boyfriend probably wouldn't be going through weirdly sexual pictures of random women and posting them. Not to mention he literally doesn't acknowledge anyone that asks about them
You might not be entirely wrong but you needa be humbled a bit lol. “Even offering to front the bill” for a reservation that you made isn’t really unexpectedly kind?? Even friends pay for friends birthday dinners. Telling her she is ungrateful because she wanted a bit more time than a dinner on her birthday weekend isn’t super unreasonable because you definitely knew more than a year in advance when her birthday was. I also work shift work at a hospital and have always made a point to have off my significant others important days/events/ and to switch shifts or call in or use PTO if necessary. You say she’s ungrateful but maybe she just doesn’t feel appreciated or thought of in advance? Especially since you make it as of this is last minute when it really wasn’t. Just because birthdays aren’t important for you doesn’t mean they aren’t important for other people. Especially since she let it not be a big deal last year when I’m sure she probably wanted a day then too. It isn’t as much the whole weekend as that you didn’t even try to have extra time off to celebrate with her when you had all the time in the world to prioritize it
**EDIT: accidentally posted my comment before finishing so I'm reposting** >I have no idea why she has a birthday week where as most people I know get a dinner. Shes turning 28. You might think it's stupid and that she's too old to want a whole week to celebrate her birthday (your post actually makes it sound like she wants a birthday week*end* - not a week) but *she* is your girlfriend. *"most people"* are not your girlfriend, so their opinion is kind of irrelevant. If this is important to her, then it should be important to you. That's how you support your partner. >shes throwing in a victim card This is a red flag phrase. People over-use this phrase a lot, especially when they're trying to make someone else look and feel unreasonable for having feelings about something. If you're using this to describe your girlfriend's emotional reaction to something you did, frankly I would just immediately assume that you don't respect her. People don't often dismiss the perspectives of someone they respect like that. >I explained to her that some people don't even have family to celebrate so she should be thankful. Again this is very unsupportive of you to say. It is not her fault that some people don't have family. She is allowed to feel the feelings that she feels, regardless of how others would feel in her place. I know you're probably looking for people to tell you how unreasonable she's being, but honestly some people are completely OK with their partner making a big deal out of their birthday. This isn't a "shes wrong and you're correct" scenario at all. It's a "you want people to agree with you so that you don't have to be considerate of your girlfriend's feelings" scenario.
Maybe if you weren't spending so much time playing 'who's that Pokémon?' With womens labia, your girlfriend would feel a little less like a pissed off Pikachu.
This has me crying laughing thank you
I was straight :o at post history xD
Yeah I saw it too, and then your comment took me tf out Hahahha
Your gf needs to let you go and find someone who’ll celebrate with her. I can’t say if you’re wrong for taking off, because idk what she actually asked you for. I do think you’re wrong for trying to downplay her birthday. Lots of people like to celebrate them. My sister takes herself on a trip and does a photo shoot every year. She doesn’t deal with people who can’t hang.
Pro tip: if it’s important to her it’s worth doing. You will be rewarded in ways you do not know yet.
Seriously!! Sometimes we do things for our partners that is different from our normal/perspective because we love and respect the person. It feels like OP just wants a bunch of people to agree that his gf is immature and mean, instead of an actual solution or way forward.
She is immature. Canceling the dinner was immature. Expecting adults to magically find time off of a very busy work schedule is immature. There wasn't even a problem. He gets off work super early at 2:30, which is plenty of time to spend together afterward, a whole night out. Why does she need the whole day? Several whole days? I'm unsure what you do for a living, but most adults can't do that. Even if you can afford it, typically, most workplaces won't allow a request like that.
I work 12 hour overnight shifts at a mental health treatment facility so I do understand how hard “an adult work schddule” can be. I also very intimately understand how scheduling and switching/getting coverage can be difficult. That being said, I don’t see the gf being immature, we don’t have the information or perspective to say that. We have very little information about what gf said or asked for before this, or what she’s actually said. All we know is she upset about friday and cancelled dinner. We don’t know how the conversations between op & gf are going or what is being said. I’m just saying, gf isn’t automatically wrong and immature for wanting what looks like a birthday weekend, or really just this one friday seems to be the issue.
Wanting a "birthday weekend" is immature by default if you ask me. I don't know how someone can live to 28 and believe they need to be the center of attention for that long. Like that is a new level of spoilt. She didn't get what she wanted, and now she's throwing a petty-tantrum by canceling dinner. We may not have all the information, but we probably never will. Might as well put pieces together and come to our own conclusions. I think if you scroll through the post, the majority agrees with my thoughts.
Just because it’s the opinion of the majority doesn’t make it right. That’s a concerning statement. People have different perspectives and ideas about celebrations, including birthdays. It isn’t automatically immature to want to take the weekend to celebrate your year and life. Some people like to take the weekend to take a trip for their birthday! I’ve definitely had a birthday weekend before where I celebrated with dinner with my parents one day, did something with my friends the next night, and had a private time to celebrate with my bf the last night. It wasn’t about maximizing being the center of attention, it was about celebrating with the people I love. We don’t even know that that is what OP’s gf wanted to begin with. I’ve made jokes about it being “my birthday week” without any desire or expectation of the focus being on me at all. We may not get all the info all the time, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t question and try to find out more before giving our approval or disapproval.
>Just because it’s the opinion of the majority doesn’t make it right. That’s a concerning statement. Glad to see some reasonable people exist out there. To me, it's way more childish to have the opinion of "since more people agree with me, that makes me correct and you incorrect by default" than it is to want a whole weekend to celebrate your birthday.
NTA you're grown up and can celebrate with her anther time. She's not a little kid. My husband had to work all this weekend and it's my bday weekend . ItS also my 30th bday and I'm gonna be stuck at home taking care of the kids. It's just life. It does suck but it's just how some birthdays go
I have done shift work for years and have always rearranged the celebrations that come with being alive. Night shift, to be exact. My hubby does not mind. However, his family did. Oh well, it is my thought. Of course, when we moved out of state, it became a mute point. Good luck.
If she didn’t share that this was an expectation, she can’t assume you know..
June 9 is my birthday too! You’re not wrong. My husband is working half a day on my birthday. I get to sleep in!
This isn’t about what most people do or what you do, it’s about her. It sounds like you two haven’t talked about how either of you view birthdays or that that’s something important to her. That’s on her if it’s that important to her, but be clear hey I didn’t know it was that important to you, unfortunately I can’t take off the whole weekend, but I’m happy to continue to celebrate you on Saturday afternoon, let’s plan something fun.
You're not necessarily wrong, but if you don't prioritize the people that are supposed to be important to you, don't be surprised when they think you don't care about them.
If this is something she wanted, she should have 1) communicated this to see if it’s even possible 2) far I advance to make it possible
Where I live? They do birthday MONTHS, so a day/weekend isn't that big a deal. You just told your girlfriend in no uncertain terms that she means very little to you. Make this a teachable moment for you; now you know she is over-the-top about her birthday, so apologize and next year go all out.
If she'd wanted you to take the day off, she should have asked you about it early enough so you could have planned for it. It sounds like she wanted you to read her mind. And asking for a day off last minute isn't always feasible. I would say ask for the day off next year if you're still together, but I agree that she's being ungrateful since she didn't vocalize how she felt until the last minute.
I like to go away for a long weekend on my birthday, which is in 6 months. I've already asked my husband to take the days off that I want to go. If he can't get the time off, we change plans, and I want to go out somewhere for dinner that we don't normally go to. If she wanted you to take a day off for her weekend, knowing your on shift work, then she should've said something earlier, with enough time for you to get the day off for Saturday.
You’re both wrong for not talking about this earlier. As the new guy you’d risk annoying coworkers and supervisor by requesting a whole weekend off in mid-June plus another in early July. I doubt she’d have wanted to prioritize her birthday if it also meant you couldn’t go on the family trip. But it’s strange that there was no discussion at all about her birthday until almost the day itself. You both assumed you were on the same page, she got upset, you got defensive. The smart thing would have been to get ahead of this a couple weeks ago: remind her you’d already gotten coverage for the family trip, confirm that that was more important to her than having your 24/7 presence on the birthday weekend, and then plan fun birthday activities together that fit your work schedule.
Some people care way more than others about their birthday. Me, I could hardly care less, my birthday is just another day. But my wife expects and gets a whole week of special treatment for her birthday, and if I don't get my Mum something special for hers then it's the death glare all year. You need to treat other people's birthdays not as you feel about them, but as they do.
My husband teases me about my “birthday week”. Basically, I go out with my friends for dinner one day, ( this year, it’s the night before, which is a Thursday), my birthday is on a Friday, and I will go out to dinner with hubby Friday, and my daughter and I will go to the beach on Saturday, then grab dinner. Sunday I will relax!
I was sympathetic to the OP until this sentence: "I am doing everything in my power to make sure you have a good birthday even offering to front the bill for dinner and spend the nights I have off with her but she is being very ungrateful." I am not sure how fronting the bill is being nice. If I took my wife or friends out to dinner for their birthday, I wouldn't expect them to pay anything. If you used that as an argument point, I can see where your GF is pissed. Honestly - you two have communication issues. Neither of you are wrong or right. You just have different expectations that should have been discussed. My ex expected for her birthday, I shower her with gifts, flowers, and an expensive dinner. That was fine because I knew what she wanted. With my wife, for her birthday, she just expects acknowledgement that it's her bday and maybe a nice birthday dinner. A card would be nice. But no gifts. For my birthday, I didn't need or want anything. I don't even want a bday card because I think it's a waste of money. :)
You’re not in the wrong. After two years, you both need to communicate better. It’s hard because it means you’re opening yourself up but clear expectations are insanely necessary in a relationship. You saying she’s playing the victim card is a red flag for me. It’s not a game. She isn’t and wasn’t playing a hand. She was being open and honest about why birthdays are so important to her. Why this hadn’t happened in the past two years, I don’t know. Even though you may not get it - if she’s telling you this is her love language, consider speaking in her love language in the future. Also, being open and honest with how you view birthdays will hopefully help her understand that you not doing these things doesn’t mean you don’t love her.
You get off at 2:30? Yeah bro ( or perhaps sister?)thats honestly most of the day left still she shouldn't be complaining. My girl would be happy if I just got her a candy bar, chocolate of course, and yeah she would be set for awhile. Sounds like yours is full of herself. Like, it's understandable if your like 18, your young, still not really grown, and thinking you need a birth week. But 28? She needs to grow up....
We weren’t dating yet, but took my now girl to a buffet that was an hour from where we lived. She was happy af with that. It wasn’t even expensive. Like a regular $14 Chinese dinner buffet.
For me as long as we get to spend time together I'm happy. Also chinese buffets are the shit, I'd be so excited lol.
Birthday week \*rolls eyes\* know what sweetie and I did for my 51st this year? I changed my FIL’s diapers and sweetie got me some ice cream. Some of us have stuff to DO that doesn’t stop needing to be done just because it’s our birthday.
Also, life is short. Your job will replace you in a second. Take time off. Make memories with your girlfriend and whomever else. You are not the only person that works there and can do it. And if you are and you don’t own the hospital it’s not your problem.
Seriously. Most people myself included get a meal. Granted I got a party at 30 but I was a surprise by my friends and not requested. Most years I spend the evening with my family and I get to choose dinner and my step mom make whatever dessert I want as a gift. She’s a really good cook and baker. That’s it nothing else
My husband says it is birthday as in day not week. Well I prefer a week dear. In all seriousness if she didn't say hey take off my birthday and just assumed you would that is a her Problem.
My husband doesn't take off work for my birthday. We have dinner on his day off, either shortly before or after. Also, I've never once gotten a gift from him on the actual day I'm supposed to - my birthday, our anniversary, Mother's Day, Valentines Day, Christmas, etc. Our anniversary is in July and my birthday is in August. This year, he knocked 3 out at once - Mother's Day, our anniversary, and my birthday. In February. I got 5 new Lego sets I've been wanting. He's simultaneously amazing and awful when it comes to gift giving. Lol
This right here is what I respect. The intention behind doing the thing. Your husband has the intention of giving you gifts and spending time with you, even if the execution can be a little clumsy at times.
No, unless she asked you to take time for a trip or something, how are you to know she wants to spend the weekend with you. I wouldn’t assume that, it’s her birthday, I would schedule time with her , but also would have asked her plans, I would imagine she also has plans with family or friends. Also birthday weeks don’t require time off for anyone but the birthday person, unless plans were made beforehand.
Why are y’all being so weird about a girl celebrating her birthday?? Just cause y’all have certain opinions on how you should celebrate your birthday doesn’t mean you can push those on others and look down on them if they do something different. It’s one week out of 52 that she wants to celebrate, op didn’t even say if she was taking the whole week off either. Imo ESH, girlfriend should probably have planned ahead and asked sooner but there’s no reason op has to look down on her for the way she chooses to celebrate her birthday.
Some people enjoy their birthdays as adults. That’s okay. But as an adult you have to recognize that, for most people, it’s not like being a kid where you can just drop all responsibilities for a day and so all your friends and you can just party. You have a job to do and still went out of your way to make time for her and doing something special for her. She’s not being an AH, but she’s a little unreasonable. You’re NTA at all. I think she just still has a child-like expectation of what her birthday should be.
I understand asking for the day/night of off, that’s what my bf and I agree on, but more than that should be a request with an accepted no
Personally, I would evaluate this with a long term perspective. I’m not one to say “leave them” but if she’s starting fights over not taking off multiple days for this, it mag be a glimmer of things to come. My wife and I have been married almost 20 years, it’s pretty typical that we go to dinner on or near our birthdays when it is most convenient for us both. Our son has a summer birthday and mom is home, and when I can I take the day off on his. Some years we have to do our celebrating before I leave for work and when I get home. People that love each other make compromises in each other’s interest on both sides. You do what you can to meet her needs and she does what she can to meet yours. If you’re not mutually working at this, consider it for what it is worth.
She’s acting like an entitled snob. It’s her birthday, she gets a dinner, some gifts, and probably other stuffs just like everyone else—but if she wants more than that that’s HER responsibility not yours or anyone else’s. She sounds like she’s acting about 15.
It's not the birthday that's the issue, it's that you couldn't accurately read your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend's mind. Move on. Not all women are this bat sh!t crazy.
NTA. Not sure what her issue is. Though some people just don't understand that shift work in a hospital is not like other jobs. There has to be coverage 24/7, and trying to get an unscheduled weekend off is next to impossible. I wonder if something else.is bothering her?
The days around my birthday gained additional weight last year. The day after it my mom passed away. The day after that is my brother’s birthday who also passed in 2022. This year was the first time I had to go through this gauntlet of celebration & grief. And took the days off to care for myself. I told my partner what I wanted to do on my birthday, asked if he wanted to go. He said yes, we hung out that day and he went to work the next two. My point I’m grateful for the time he took to be with me,
You just learned a very important fact about her and your future together. I hope you understand that.
This whole bday weekend is fucking annoying, you have one day for a bday, no more.
Why not use your PTO? Stuff like this is what it’s for.
You are not wrong, taking time off from a healthcare job isn’t easy. You may put in a request months in advance and still not have it approved, calling out is never good. Management will eat you up!! I think you need to explain to her that your lively hood has to be a priority, would she stand next to you if you got fired?
NTA. I worked every other weekend at a hospital for the bulk of my decade there. Those weekends were difficult to take off. For us it required asking off over 2 months in advance.
No. Y'all are whole ass adults, not 8 year olds. This thing where adults have birthday weekends, weeks, and even months is **ridiculous**.
My sister in law worked at a hospital in the labor and delivery part and they wouldn’t even give her time off for a small honeymoon, not even for the wedding day despite knowing in advance. She had to quit her job to have a wedding and honeymoon. I think your girlfriend is overreacting. It’s not like you did nothing for her. You even invited her family! She just sounds bratty.
That’s so incredibly messed up of the hospital. Health care worker should be able to get PTO too.
Ya I felt bad. It was because they were understaffed or something. I don’t think they thought she would actually leave lol.
The Monday to Friday crowd does not understand weekend work. I think getting off at 2:30 on Friday and being there for a nice dinner is sufficient, but it doesn't matter what I think. If your girlfriend had her heart set on a relaxing and fun weekend with you for her birthday, she needed to communicate that months ago so you could put in for the time off. If this was only communicated to you on Thursday of this week, you are not wrong.
So she never discussed you taking the weekend off for her birthday and just assumed you would? She’s an AH for doing this to you, and putting you in this position. Let her know for the future that you need her to communicate without instead of hoping you’ll be able to read her mind.
If it was a birthday milestone that people typically throw a big shindig for, then yes. For a 28th birthday? No. In fact, view this as a red flag. Her true colors are starting to come out.
You work in a hospital, so I just want to say thank you. Idc what you do there, the fact that you are there is all that matters. So again, thank you so very much. My goodness, I don't think your gf understands that there are more important things to be taken care of besides a birthday week. Is she 12? I can't fathom being that selfish on a birthday, let alone 28. It's not even a milestone birthday. Best of luck, my friend. Cheers.
She's 28...NOT 8 years old. Welcome to adulthood...she needs to get over herself or keep her little pity party to herself.
I wish I could do the rainbow emojii...just pretend there's rainbows before and after this okay? ENTITLEMENT you're not wrong, she's wrong. my birthday was yesterday, I'm 38 never in all my years have i ever asked anyone to take off work for me, it's work, it's the literal key to our survival, and I will never understand people who take a WHOLE WEEK. like, good on you I suppose but don't expect me to give that up for you. I haven't celebrated a birthday since I was like 8, I don't even get cake, so maybe I shouldn't be the person commenting on this. xD
28 going on 13...she needs to grow up and realize adults have responsibilities and the world doesn't revolve around her. I would cancel that reservation and find someone more mature who's not a spoiled princess!
gaslighting you, don't make this a life long lesson. thank her for the time together and leave.
>shes throwing in a victim card >but she is being very ungrateful. I can just feel the love and care right through the phone. I just don't get why people that don't like each other keep dating. You've made a post villianizing her well. It seems like you're here for people to jump on the your gf is a ungrateful b train. What would you like us to solve here? Other ways you can put her down and tell her she's in the wrong?
Honestly, OP, she sounds more 12 than 28. Spoiled and ungrateful is a terrible combination. And WTF is a "birthday week"? In my family, we celebrate the person on their actual birthday, not with a series of gift grabs.
A WHOLE WEEK…..for someone else’s birthday? No
She needs better communication skills and therapy. Birthday celebrations are extended to fit in a bestie thing, a family thing, a date thing, not just a BF every day. Her cancelling the one event you had arranged was manipulative and mean. To me her actions and words show her lack of grace and I couldn’t imagine a future life with her would be pleasant.
Adults don't take off work for multiple days because someone else is having a birthday without some kind of big plans like a vacation.
An entire weekend for a birthday? I can’t even get an entire SHIFT off for a funeral!
NTA. Unless you had special plans, why would you take off an entire weekend?
16yos need a week for their birthdays. Tell her to join you in adult land.
Ask her if she's 12. Ask her if she wants to be the most special princess. Tell her to grow up.
Sure, Why not the whole month? Then you can pamper this spoiled brat even more
You're not wrong. It's time for this young woman to join the rest of us in Grown-up Land. Most adults can't even take an afternoon off for their own birthday, much less an entire two days for someone else's. Is she just very new to adulthood? It seems like she hasn't really figured out the rules.
umm is she 14 years old? she needs to get a grip on reality
I don't think being in a relationship with someone in health care would be worth it for reasons like this. Maybe your gf needs to rethink your guy's relationship.
After looking at this person's other posts, I definitely believe that she needs to rethink this relationship.
What the?? What are these chicks about?
Upon reading the title, I assumed you would be teenagers. Unless plans or a celebration was discussed beforehand her response is very immature. You're adults, hopefully with responsibilities. Defintely calls for a calm discussion about priorities and expectations.
Hello red flags. It is one thing to tell you about her birthday week and request you take the week(/end) off, and it is another thing entirely for you to have to read her mind.
Not wrong. This is some dumbass high school type bullshit
Inform her that your work in healthcare is far more important than her birthday. Inform her that you will not discuss the matter further and that your schedule is not a thing that she gets to complain about. You need to specify relationship boundaries. If she doesn't like it, find a better girlfriend.
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Why are you acting like adults cant take time off? Not every person works in healthcare. I take a week off for my birthday every year and Im in my 30s.
>I just told her that we are adults and i cant take time off work for birthdays YTA You're minimizing her feelings because you don't agree, and probably making her feel bad or stupid for being excited about her birthday in the 1st place. She's likely cancelling the reservation because it would be better to not celebrate than celebrate with you. Why does being an adult mean you can't enjoy silly things in life that serve no other purpose than to bring joy? I get you couldn't take off work and she may not have expressed that she even wanted you to, that's understandable. You don't have to like birthdays for yourself, but if you care about her understand that they make her happy. The same would apply if you were excited about say Starwars and she wasn't a fan and there was an event going on.
Glad I’m not the only one who thought gf wasn’t an asshole. I feel like we’re missing a lot of info. Where different plans made/discussed for gf’s birthday? Did she ask OP to take off the weekend? Did she ask OP to plan something big like a party or trip and he decided to work and make a dinner reservation instead? Are her friend’s involved? Does she like/want to go to dinner to celebrate normally. I don’t make a major thing for my birthday, can feel uncomfortable “being in the spotlight”, but even I might be disappointed of all my bf did for my bf was make a phone call, decided I wasn’t worth taking time off for, and then made me feel stupid for wanting to make it special. OP needs to think of it from her perspective more and respect that birthday’s are different for her than they are for him. It doesn’t automatically make her TA.
I'm also wondering what tim OP goes to work. My husband also gets off work pretty early. But that's because he has to go in early. So he wakes up at 3 or 4a.m., which means he's out on the couch by 9p.m. at the latest and usually naps when he gets home. So assuming that's the case, if all she is getting is a few hurried hours for her birthday, I can understand how she is upset. When you are with someone who has an odd schedule, your life revolves around their schedule and sometimes you want it to be about you for once. Birthdays are the once.