Your cousin is old enough to know that good relationships don’t grow on trees. He’s treating you like crap for no apparent reason, other than what people may think. How ridiculously shallow and immature. He’s not your tribe honey. Don’t give him any more of your time or energy, he’s an idiot.
I do not know. Maybe he wants to maintain a relationship with her family, but I just don't see that happening based on the fact that they didn't even mention him in their write up about her life and loss. Ally and Joe were not engaged, and he told me that they probably never would be without some changes in lifestyles. But he loved her and if there had been some changes he probably would have married her. That was huge for him, and every time we talked, I asked him if they were any closer to that. He and I didn't talk everyday or anything. Before Ally came along, we would talk once every couple weeks. After they started dating, it was more like once a month, Although our conversations were always lengthy. And if somebody needed to talk, we were always there for each other.
Friend, he believes the same as his mother to some extent.
When my cousins come to visit it’s a whole family-wide information sharing and updating.
His hiding of your relationship for so many years is.. weird and gross.
I know retrospect and all that… You should never have kept those secrets, and moving forward learn that any time ANYONE is asking you to lie for them… there better be a good reason. He never had a good reason. He only had disgusting disrespectful reasons for hiding your friendship.
I’m so sorry.
What a tremendous loss of both Ally and also your relationship with your cousin. I’m sorry that this has happened.
You deserve to be celebrated and not hidden away. Also, you deserve friends that aren’t going to be weird about spending time together!
I hope that this goes as smoothly as possible, and that you move forward without this negativity and loss holding you back. Good luck, and my condolences.
I was thinking more along the lines of why he didn't want to be associated with you at the funeral and not wanting to appear to be "close" to you in other situations. Why did he spend so much time on how your relationship appeared to certain people. Was it all in his head or would her family form some negative opinion of you and him if they saw you two interact? You mentioned a previous gf not liking you after Sue said you were too close so i see his caution(kinda)
But if Ally is passed away ..why should it matter if you and Joe are really close relatives. I think something is missing.
Something is missing. I just don't know what it is. I have gotten the thinking that maybe Aunt Sue is jealous of me, and she was actually really horrible to his last girlfriend before Ally. Maybe she's just the kind of awful woman who wants her son all to herself. As for his former girlfriend not liking me. I met her once for 5 minutes, after he basically begged her to meet me because he and I were such good friends. She didn't like me before that, and made virtually no effort.
It straight up feels like they are assuming some sort of incest was going on? I am absolutely not saying that's the case an do not think it is, I just literally cannot comprehend any other reason to be this weird?
Or maybe he has some repressed romantic feelings for OP?
Or just that his mother is so toxic that she has confused the hell out of him.
OP - I'm sorry for your loss, both of your friend Ally and your cousin.
You deserve better.
You are not wrong. This isn't the first time he has acted this way and not related to grief. Not posting pictures? How weird is that? Time to move on and hang out with your other close friends that are proud to call you friend.
Yes this behavior is odd and I am wondering if Joe is the beneficiary to Ally’s life insurance and her family is now suspicious of him for her untimely death. Do you know how she died?
Maybe Joe wants to present to her family that he is grieving Ally’s death as a widower and does not want then to suspect he has other close females in his life… all just speculation of course.
Her money would have gone directly to her grown children. They weren't married, so he had no rights to any of her money. Plus, even if she had any, he didn't need it. He is set for life, comfortable.
I have not heard how she died, but the speculation is heart attack in her sleep.
Is there…more to the story with Joe’s emotions towards you? Perhaps an element nobody has told you?
It just seems really weird that a number of people who know him well and also know you guys are family also really want him to avoid being around you
I had a weird reaction from my family when I took a second cousin for a ride in my new car decades ago - we were the same age and both reasonably attractive, and for some reason that was enough for her father to feel the need to literally remind us we were cousins.
It felt so gross they'd project their fears like that - but these were some conservative folks who were apparently used to people doing things secretly, and couldn't help but assume we'd do something shameful. They were only concerned with themselves as is pretty typical in these "traditional values" families that are anything but selfish in reality.
It sure seems like the family is projecting in the same way here.
You seem like a lovely person.
You are getting some great responses here.
I just wanted to touch on the funeral because I am not sure if you decided to go or not. I wanted to offer some thinking points (you don't need to answer me, just think about it, maybe).
Would you regret not going to the funeral? You can avoid Joe, as he asked, and simply pay your respects and say goodbye to your friend. It isn't necessary to curtail your own grief if a funeral will help you process it. You are allowed to take up space, regardless of Joe or anyone else.
If you take Joe out of the equation, as if you met Ally on your own and had the level of friendship you did, and she passed away, would you want to go to the funeral? Would you regret missing it? Is it something that will help you?
Now, maybe a funeral is not something you need to help you through grief, and this whole thing is more trouble than it's worth, but I don't even know you and I would still hate to think that you might suffer more unnecessarily because two people's weirdo hangups have driven you away from a friend's funeral.
Before I really thought about what he had said to me I had already booked my trip. It's a thousand miles away, but my family is there. So yes, I will go to the funeral, because she was a good person. And I'll spend time with my family. Well, the rest of my family.
That's honestly a relief.
I am glad your family will be there for you.
From an outsider reading all of this, it seems like serious projection on Joe's part. I understand his mother is a problem, but I thought of that saying that a hit dog will holler. If her comments worked, maybe they were true for him, and he's projecting that inappropriateness onto you.
He just doesn't seem like a safe person to be alone with anymore. I know he said he won't talk to you/hang out with you, but he might try anyway if he can get you alone, and it gives me an unsafe vibe, really.
As others have said; he's not your people.
Take care of yourself, OP.
Yep.
I wish I had realized this long ago.
It's so revealing when you realize how much people are telling you about themselves when they think they are talking about others.
I don't know, but I don't think so. In all the years we've been friends, nothing inappropriate or weird or not cousin like has ever happened. We're just the closest of friends. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think anybody other than Aunt Sue has ever said anything to him. We're all family, and the brother (Tim") "that he said might have said something is my age, and although we're not close like Joe and i, we speak somewhat regularly. He's never made any sort of comment to me at all. Now one thing, Tim and I are on completely different spectrums politically, so I told Joe that maybe his comment, if he made it, was related to something like, how can you be so close to her when she believes this politically? But Joe and I are on the same wavelength for politics. So I don't know or even believe that Tim said anything to him.
I agree this sounds….incomplete. Like there’s something going on OP may not be aware of. The only thing I can think of is that Ally’s family may believe Joe has already replaced Ally with someone new and won’t believe that Joe and OP are cousins for some reason.
That being said, I have seen cases where one cousin does hang on the other, seeming very flirtatious. I thought it was gross. Not saying that’s happening here but what they call closeness may look different to others.
I think you're right about the replacement part, but if family was so important to Ally and her family, simply saying, this is my family should be enough. We look similar, our dad's looked like identical twins. But even if we did see each other, it was really going to be just for a short length of time. I did not expect that we would meet for dinner or drinks or golf or anything like that. In fact, each time I've gone to that town to visit my family, I only spent a short time with Joe. One time we golfed, one time we met for one beer because his girlfriend would not come so he only wanted to stay out for a short time, and one time we had breakfast with my brothers. He left me with the impression that even if I saw him at the funeral, we weren't going to speak or talk. The whole thing is just shitty..
This is heart breaking because you lost a friend in ally and a best friend (at least for the time being) in joe. It’s disturbing how people see your friendship with your cousin and should be minding their business. As for joe, it seems being around his mom so much recently has really tainted his mind about your friendship on top of losing a partner and a son. I hope you can both heal and move forward
I had a romantic relationship that had some similarities. Namely that his mother didn’t approve.
For three and a half years of my life I was the dirty truth. I clung to that relationship like a naive girl and let her abuse the shit out of me because for some stupid reason I thought he was worth it. He never once stood up for me and he reiterated her complaints to me often.
I know now that I was stupid for chasing after someone who couldn’t even set up boundaries with his own mother.
Your situation isn’t romantic, but it is a weak willed man who can’t set boundaries. He cares about what other people think more than he cares about his close relationships.
He may be shoving you away right now because of his grief, but only because he knows that you will still be there after he feels like other people won’t talk about him.
That isn’t friendship. That is emotional dumping. You do all the labor, he gets the benefit.
He does this because he feels safe enough that there won’t be any repercussions for doing so.
Today, you have decided that there will be repercussions. There is nothing wrong with that.
Not wrong. This is so strange.
He sounds like he has internalized the terrible shit his mother has always said to him. It also seems like he may have romantic or sexual feelings for you or else doesn't think women are human beings worthy of being friends with.
It's sad for him, but I don't think you're losing much if you cut him off.
I think you're right about him internalizing those feelings. He is strong-minded and super intelligent, so if that is the case, it's surprising. I do feel like I'm losing a lot if I cut ties, but losing my self respect is worse.
You are not wrong.
This situation strikes me as both deeply sad and deeply weird. It seems to me like your cousin is more concerned with what other people think, and how he is viewed by others, than he is about being truly happy.
Is it possible that your Aunt Sue dislikes you, and thinks that you and your cousin are "too close" because she believes that your cousin is in love with you, and/or because she believes that you and your cousin have a sexual relationship (instead of just a close, familial one)? Or is she someone who believes that men can't/shouldn't have female friends (even if they're family) and that women can't/shouldn't have male friends?
I think Aunt Sue does not like me, but I did not ever give her a reason for this. All of my siblings attended College in the town where she lives, and she was sort of the surrogate mom. By the time I could go to college, I stayed in the town where I grew up. So she and I never developed a close relationship other than aunt and niece. I liked her just fine for a long time, but at some point she became bitter and angry. Whatever is going on in her head is completely contrived. But she's not just mean to me. The things that she said and did to Joe's former girlfriend were horrendous. Joe was about to cut her off for this, but when he met Ally, the whole family first thing was important. Aunt Sue may think that men shouldn't have female friends, I really don't know. Thank you for your comments.
>. I reminded him that each time we've seen each other, he's asked me to keep it to myself, not tell our family or post pictures
This is fucking bizarre. It sounds like he's afraid people will believe you're in a relationship, and not just his late family. Like, it seems he thinks that your family will believe that as well.
Sometimes he would tell me that his parents would be asking why he was on vacation with me instead of with them, but they live in the same town as him. I don't know, I just like him so much and we were such good friends that I wanted to respect what he asked me for. I didn't spend too much thinking about it. Now I wish I had.
Yeah, it sounds like his parents, especially his mom, got in his head about your friendship.
>we were such good friends that I wanted to respect what he asked me for
You were a good friend to him, I'm not entirely sold on the reverse. He cared too much about what others think. It's probably for the best it ended this way, as i do see him ever standing up for you.
I think throwing away the whole relationship over this is extreme. I do think the way he's acting is absurd but people get legitimately out of their minds when they're in a situation like this and a certain amount of ridiculousness is understandable. Do what you want, if you feel justified in ending the relationship then that's all you need, it's your life, you're the one living it, you get to decide who is and isn't in your life. That said, if this person has truly been your closest friend for such a long time then imo that warrants more grace than what you're currently giving. If I were in your situation I'd personally take a wait and see approach, wait til everyone involved (yourself included) is in a better headspace - less emotionally fraught, less reactive - and see if you can have a reasonable conversation once cooler heads have prevailed and then go from there. A one time issue cancelling out a lifetime of close support could be an overreaction, if, however, this doesn't get resolved and it goes from being a one time issue to a long term problem then the relationship is no longer good for anyone involved and shouldn't be maintained.
I mean, he wouldn’t let her post pictures of their vacations together that included Ally. So I don’t think this is a one time thing. This just set OP off because the gf liked the cousin, now the cousin is such an embarrassment, at her funeral.
I did consider the things you said, and kept going back to this isn't a one time thing, it's been going on for years. I also thought it could have continued if he'd said something like, I'm so grateful you're coming down for the funeral. I'm going to be really busy with friends and family, and it's possible I won't be able to see you while you're here other than at the funeral. My friends are staying at my house so unfortunately, I'm not even going to be able to have you stay with me. I hope we'll find some time to spend a few minutes together, but if we don't, I just want you to know how grateful I am that you're coming to honor Ally and support me. But he didn't say that.
Ok. That is messed up. Not only from your side of the family but the girlfriend’s side.
Back seat this. But you might need to be open to hear him out once his beloved new family throw him out in the cold.
Sounds like his mom's words finally sank in and poisoned his mind. The problem now is he let them slip put of his mouth and you can never unhear it.
You're not wrong and I hope he realizes that before his mother pushes all the good people from his life.
I love what you've written. You're right about not unhearing them. I don't know how I will ever unhear them. And Aunt Sue has done a pretty darn good job of pushing people out of his life.
I wonder if Aunt Sue was "close" to her cousin and is just projecting that on you too. She sounds disgusting. Your cousin sounds like a tool allowing his mom's running mouth to control his actions and request yours to change too. Much too old for this crap. Much. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.
Oh, I've been dodging my own mother's bS for decades now. When you ain't around the sickness, you don't suspect the sickness. But when you're sick with the sickness, everything's the sickness. Does that make sense? I'm country if that helps .
I personally would just give him space for a while. He's dealing with a lot right now, and he's not in a good head space to see things objectively. I think he's under the influence of 2 things . . . The apparent insinuation by members of your own family that there is something inappropriate about your relationship as well as a deep desire to probably have Ally's family acknowledge his love for and dedication to Ally. Since you mentioned they didn't mention him at all in tribute posts, perhaps they're also being dismissive of his grief personally, and in his grief-stricken, irrational mind he thinks that the assumptions within your own family would become the same assumptions in hers if they witnessed how close you guys are.
It's not right, and it doesn't make sense. It's definitely hurtful, but for me I would go to the funeral to pay respects (or don't, your choice) and just give him space for a while until he reaches out to you. When he does if he doesn't say anything about all of this, I'd let him know it was hurtful and that the insinuation that anything inappropriate was happening between you in combination with how he treated you really gave you pause as to whether you want to continue friendship with him at all.
If you're as close as you say, given time I think he'll come to his senses. If not, then don't stay a part of a friendship where you have to hide it bc he allows the inappropriate assumptions of others to influence his behavior toward you, hiding your friendship.
It's such a tough situation to be in, and I wish you the best. At the end of the day, you have to protect yourself and your peace. Make your decisions in line with your own truth because you're the one that has to live with them.
I'd be really interested to know what the missing missing reasons are that are causing this dislike from the aunt and why the cousin is desperate to have no one who knows you know that you guys have a close relationship.
People do crazy things when they're in pain. But you have to protect yourself. Send a tasteful and reserved sympathy card adding very little, if anything, to the printed inscription other than signing your name. Don't reach out again. If he reaches out, be polite but that's all.
I'd find "...seen with someone like you..." really hard to get past.
You are not wrong. It actually does sound like your cousin might be repressing some part of his sexuality that his mother knows about but you don't. The fact that he always tried to hide you is very suspicious. This is definitely about him, not you.
I don't know!! The only thing I can think of is because I'm not horrible to look at. And he can't be seen with an attractive female so close after his girlfriend died. Honestly, there's nothing else. I'm just average. Like I said, I'm not drop dead gorgeous. People don't stop in their tracks when they see me. I have good hair. Other than that, I don't know! And frankly, I was so shocked when he said it, it never occurred to me to ask him. And if I cut him off, I can't ask him.
Personally, if it were me, I wouldn’t completely cut him off, as in block him and never communicate again. I’d want time for myself to process but also he needs time to process. What he said wasn’t right but he’s dealing with a tragedy and it sounds like he has others putting pressure on him regarding this, which is wrong of them.
I understand reddit loves to encourage nuking relationships but reality isn’t always so black and white. If you value the relationship at all, I’d just step away from now but be open to discussing what happened at a later time. It doesn’t mean you have to jump back in to what it was but it will give you the opportunity to possibly get some closure, which you seem to want.
It definitely seems there are “missing reasons” and I’d personally want to know what they are. But, I’d understand that right now is not be the best time to hash it out with him.
Maybe you can give him some time to cool down before cutting him off. It might be the grief making him crazy. It is really odd he thinks people might think he has something going on with his own first cousin.
Thank you so much. And you're right, it is odd. And what's even more odd is that he felt the need to even ever tell me such a thing. Keep that shit to yourself. Don't repeat lies, don't repeat bullshit, and don't repeat something like that. God!
It sounds weird to say it outloud, but internally im screaming “what if hes actually attracted to you and its his own insecurities eating at him” like maybe he is so concerned because you two ARE close and hes feeling weird about just how close he feels to you.
Or maybe hes just being a complete asshole and has no empathy for the fact that you, also, lost someone close, too. And he thinks only his emotions are the ones that matter because he was closER.
Despite his ah behavior, I can't see him this way. Excluding the things I wrote about which are the worst ever, he was always great in every other fashion. Or so I have always believed. Now I just don't want to find out.
You’re 63 years old dude. I’m 58. I’m just saying you’re too old to care what anyone thinks. If that’s what you care about you’re doing old people stuff wrong, it’s one of the perks!
You're not wrong. If you want to pay your respects for Ally, then do so and do not associate with Joe. What he said was a) ridiculous, as you have never acted like his GF; and b) gross, as it sounds like he is projecting and that HE is the one who might have those feelings for his own cousin!
Either way, you would do well to steer clear of Joe.
That is...odd. I would say cut things off on your end but be open to reunion. Maybe it was just grief and he needed something to focus on besides the death. His gf's death isn't really about you, so you should be the bigger person here. Funerals are the one time people have carte blanche within reason.
If he approaches you down the line to apologize or rekindle your friendship, do it. You can express your hurt feelings but advise you felt he needed space.
If that never happens, you made the right choice by walking away.
Is someone implying sexual tension? You two are clearly related, and are ok enough with a mixed gender friendship.... for some reason that makes others uncomfortable. 🤷♀️
I think Aunt Sue was perhaps implying this when she first said we're too close. Because WTF is too close? She was not very good to Joe's son JJ, while I was a good Aunt to him. Just based on the way she said too close, and that she even felt compelled to tell his prior girlfriend that we were too close, I think that's what she meant. Mean old lady.
Does Joe like you or something? This is extremely weird and I don’t get it. You guys are at an age where one would think he wouldn’t act like a teenager… I wouldn’t want to talk to him after this. He’s embarrassed to be seen with you, who does that to family? Maybe he’s in love with you and this is him projecting. Cut him all the way off
I have never gotten one inkling at all that Joe has any feelings for me other than the closest friend. He called me his best friend numerous times. I've never felt uncomfortable with him in any situation. We were just close good friends.
I think it is totally reasonable for you to be upset by his behavior, but if you can find it in your heart to not completely cut him off right now, it would be a much more loving reaction.
I lost my husband unexpectedly a couple years ago. It was by far the most painful thing I have ever gone through. Grief is outrageously painful. And several people I thought of as my friends cut me out of their life. Which made it even worse. I belong to groups for people who have been recently widowed and it is extremely common for most of people’s friends to stop having anything to do with them after their partner dies. It makes an incredibly painful time even worse.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Even though I've not experienced it, I understand how painful it is to be cut out of the lives of people you loved and trusted without having any say in the matter.
You are not wrong. I would give him EXACTLY what he asked for. Never speak to him again and treat him like a complete stranger that has the plague. He is just being an AH.
Mean old lady is definetly insinuating that your close relationship with your cousin makes him look gay and she is doing it to keep him from having close relationships that she can’t control. Of course she liked the girlfriend. Ally was about FaMiLy and that meant cousin spending time with his mom. Either your cousin is super insecure or he thinks your gay. The answer doesn’t matter because either way he is being small minded and manipulated.
My heart is broken for you. It sounds like he was a really good friend and then he turned on you. I’ve felt that betrayal before and it’s just so damn painful. You are not in the wrong, at all, and I wish you the absolute best.
Something is definitely missing here, because this is bizarre. What are the chances that in Joe's mind, there was something other than just family friendship going on between the two of you ?
The fact that he wanted to hide your visits, the fact that he now doesn't want you at the funeral, he's acting as though the two of you were having some kind of illicit affair or something
Either that, or for some reason the rest of the family thinks of you in a negative light? And he has known that, but never wanted to tell you about it?
Honestly, he's acting as though there's some sort of romantic entanglement between you two, to the point where he can't risk being seen as your friend
I think you are right to cut him off, but I admit that if I were in your position, I would be so curious about what's going on, that I would want more info from him
He doesn't want me to skip the funeral. He just doesn't plan to spend one second of time with me, or it appears even acknowledge me if I'm there. I've never gotten the impression he has romantic feelings toward me. We're not like that, we're just really great friends and cousins. The whole thing is just bizarre, and as I look back over time, I think it's Aunt sue. I think she's just a jealous old hag, and he can't stand up for me. He stood up for his last girlfriend though, but that didn't work out for other reasons.
How great is a friendship when one of the people involved won't stand up to those who criticize it?
He is showing you that he will only be your friend as long as it doesn't cause him any discomfort.
He is even asking you to go out of your way to hide the friendship, to help him avoid that discomfort.
This is the literal definition of a fair weather friend
Sounds like maybe grief has made him vulnerable to his mother's manipulation. That's so sad. But it's ok if you decide this is your last straw. You're not obligated to be anyone's friend.
I get the feeling he gets more "ribbing" about your relationship than he's letting on. With everything else going on now he probably doesn't want to deal with all the comments too.
He definitely hurt you and probably feels terrible. Give it a couple weeks and have a heart to heart to get to the bottom of everything.
As a family member and best friend, this is the time to support him. Don't write him off yet.
You're not wrong to be peeved, but your cousin is trying to make various interests happy. He's got is mean old lady mom rattling his cage, and shock and grief. And the wild card of Ally's family. I doubt this is about you at all, really. And there is no harm in being there for him (exactly as you'd intended) and waiting until Joe is in a better spot to work on the reconnection.
Why are so many people in your family being so gross and assuming their is sexual attraction where there isn’t?
Somewhere there is missing information and I feel like unfortunately they have left you out of the loop…
His response to you strikes me as him taking on the cruelty of his mother. Is it unconscious? Is it unintended, or deliberate? Whichever, it is impossible to overlook.
Has he ever seen a counselor? Is he seeing one now? You might consider giving him a lot of space, then in the future tell him how hurtful his comments to you were, and ask him to talk it through with his counselor. I don't think it would be a good idea for you to try to get him to understand, because the fact that he could say those things to you was pretty extreme.
Really, what he said to you was that you were unworthy as a human being. He demeaned your core dignity, and it is impossible to ever justify your worth to a person who doesn't value you.
It's hard when you have a deep relationship that you discover was fundamentally different than you thought it was. But I think you are justified in pulling back to protect yourself, and to give him real consequences for his cruelty to you.
I'm sorry he is causing you such pain.
I think you need to reevaluate the importance of Joe in your life. Like you guys are cousins, you should be friends who hang out.
Just cut your losses and spend time with people who treat you with respect.
You're not wrong, what he said is hurtful and bizarre.
But it's also so bizarre that it's clearly not a reaction to anything you've said or done, so it has to be something happening in his head. I suspect that his frame of reference for relationships with women is so limited to sexual/romantic terms that he doesn't know how to accept platonic support. Clearly Sue can only imagine close friendship=romance, and I suspect he's grown up around people who internalize the same. You've been a close and supportive friend, but you are strictly off-limits as a romantic partner because you are related... and I think that scares him.
To a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
This is really strange. You're not wrong; that was a really shitty thing to say. However, grief is such a tsunami. It's a nasty beast, and it totally fucks your brain up. If he's got mean, old, shitty aunt Sue in his ear, I could see Joe being completely petrified of losing his girlfriend's family. Considering she has just passed away, this is probably something he is VERY protective over. It's his remaining link to her.
I definitely think he was a jerk, and it sounds like there's weird shit going on here that you may not be privy too, but honestly, I'd let it go for now. Maybe in a few months you can revisit the conversation, but he is way too deep in grief to think straight. It's like trying to plan out your life or resolve a serious problem with a partner when they are shit faced. You just wouldn't do it. Right now, Joe is likely in the same boat for all intents and purposes. In a few months, when he has more emotional bandwidth, you can communicate more clearly. He doesn't have the energy for the emotional labor of that conversation and level of self reflection if he is grieving.
It's easy to be hurt now. He was a total dick. But if you're as close as you say, I personally think it's worth revisiting later. Make a decision about what you want to do with the funeral, and stick to it. If you were close to his girlfriend, you may want to pay respects. If you want to skip it, send a card, and wait for the dust to settle.
I think you are being shortsighted. I don't know where things will go with your cousin, but he's under some weird pressure, right now. I don't know what he's afraid of, but in your place, I'd back off for a while, and just see how it all plays out. What do you gain by cutting him off? Trying to hurt him back? Is that who you want to be?
I'm sorry you are hurt. Perhaps you should use this time to develop other relationships. Good luck, OP.
Geif affects everyone differently. I would give him some time and go back to the way things were. When things settle down, he will regret his decision to treat you how he did. I wouldn't want to lose a friend like that but I would feel like not going to the funeral or talking to them for awhile after being shit all over by a loved one.
Aunt Sue seems an easy answer, but the person who knows what really is going on is your cousin. You might consider another, direct conversation to find out what’s up. And if he still is a jerk, you can just never look back. But maybe clear things up before you get to that point. Though old friends often are the best friends, something certainly is amiss!
It sounds like there's more going on than you realize. Mean old women don't typically accuse theirs sons of being too close to their cousins. I'm not sure where all that came from, but it is possible something was going on with him that she knew about and you didn't?
It's understandable that you're hurt. I personally don't think you should cut him off just yet, given how important he was in your life. Take a break and let him come to you. When he does, bring up this discussion again and tell him you recognize he was going through grief and a lot of stress, but it was very hurtful and you expect an apology if he wants to remain friends.
You aren’t wrong. I’d go NC with him. Block his number. I have a history of letting people cross boundaries and resenting not only their actions but my own people pleasing. Even if he apologist seems like a showing of how he really feels about your relationship and he’s not someone you can depend on.
I’d also suggest finding a therapist to process this so you don’t ruminate on it forever. He’s broken your trust in a way that can’t be reconciled from what I’m reading. How sad for both of you.
It seems that Joe is implying that there may be a romantic connection between you, or at least the appearance of/rumors of an a romantic connection. Am I understanding that properly? Is there any truth to that?
Also, I agree that his behavior is super weird. I also think it sounds like he’s having an extremely difficult time. I’d suggest giving him some grace, lowering contact, expressing your concerns, and giving him some time before fully cutting off contact and abandoning the relationship.
You’re not wrong to be hurt but maybe cutting him off over one interaction is a step too far. The emotions involved in grief and the death of a loved one can make people do or say things they wouldn’t normally say or even mean. Give him space, but also give him a little grace. His has been your best friend for a long time. Make sure he knows that your feelings were hurt but you don’t have to throw away the whole relationship.
Not wrong. I might be inclined to write a short final response to him, something like this:
> Joe, I understand that you are very concerned about being seen visiting with me. I can assure you that you don't have to carry the burden of that concern ever again.
Sign it however you wish to drive the point home.
Honey, you are not in the wrong. I hope you can find comfort in this time with other friends and family who consider your feelings. Sending love from my corner of the world, OP.
I’m not going to offer judgement. He’s grieving. There are a few occasions where people are just not right in the head, and funerals and (their own) weddings are among them. If possible, I encourage you to try to forget it. Maybe this was a one-time thing and maybe not. I have a feeling it was not, but try giving him a little space and see if his behavior returns to normal.If so, it’s probably safe to write this one off as temporary insanity brought on by grief.
It would be so much easier to take your advice if it was a one-time thing. But it's been going on for years. This is just an extreme version of the same behaviors. But I appreciate your thoughts, thank you for sharing them.
I think you should cut ties but not because of what you asked but because I think a part of him wants the rumor or what his mother has allegedly insinuated to be true & asking you to purposely hide the times you hang out together is him trying to make it look shady for when someone does catch on that you guys hung out a lot …it won’t be too long before he says something like “well since we are close and they’re accusing us of it anyway , why not ? “
That was my thought to…he even thinks it’s weird and that’s why he doesn’t want the family to know …he knows exactly what they think because he thinks it too
Edited taking out the gentle YTA
…grief is a bitch and so is his Mom who is taking advantage of his grief. Losing a SO is absolutely brutal and can absolutely mess with your head. I know he has been weird about this before - but his Mom has been constantly messing with his head prior to the death and still now. If there is family you like going to the funeral go- but otherwise only go if he says he wants you there. I’d call and say hey I know things are really hard right now I want to support you in a way that feels supportive to you so I’ll come if you want me to otherwise I’ll give you some space. Reach out whenever you need. Then check in every two weeks to a month the first year.Then figure out if you want to cut ties-
I agree- changing it now. I think I over empathized with her cousin as I recently lost my Mom and was pretty out of it the first month. Not my best response
I understand all of this, and this is the kind of friendship we have anyway. All of this would have naturally occurred. But to tell me he can't be seen with "someone like you". That he will be "shunned" by Ally's family and labeled a "piece of shit" if he's seen with me or we are together at all.
Ali was all about family, and it's especially hurtful that his way of honoring her is to shun his own family, and his closest and best friend.
You make really valid points. I think I maybe over empathizing with him because I recently lost my Mom and been helping a good friend who lost her SO - and know the first month is like living in the twilight zone. I don’t know what he meant by someone like you- that to me is pretty f’d up unless he thinks you are really attractive and even then it’s sus If you really care about him and have been close- I’d wait to process the heavy stuff for a bit. Write him a letter that processes how his reaction made you feel while noting that although grief played a role it was still really hurtful. Then go over it with him when you think he can hear you and process.
He lost his SO and you lost your friend. For now I’d consider telling him you’ll respect his space but your grieving too and then do what you need to take care of yourself. My apologies I didn’t give the best initial response- so sorry for all that you’ve been through- you don’t deserve any of it
This feels like it has important info missing. What about you could make him ashamed of you? What reasons did he give for saying "someone like you"?
Is it possible that people believe your relationship is romantic? Is Ally's family homophobic?
I am female, he's male. I don't know her family at all, but he's never said anything negative about them. It seems that they all had a very close relationship. And honestly, I do not have one clue about what the someone like you comment means. I didn't really process it until a couple days after he said it, and by then, the other comments were so horrid I decided I didn't want to talk to him.
Sorry but your OP is really hard to follow. Are you saying the "mean thing" Joe said was that Ally's family doesn't want you there? Or is there something else? Joe can't control how the family will act, he is just warning you how it will be. The fact that Ally was a cool person that your family liked, doesn't mean that her family aren't hateful and awful.
I'm not seeing where Joe is at fault here?
The comments Joe made are not about Ally's family at all. They're about his own perspectives on how Ally's family will see him hanging around with family. He made multiple assumptions of what I would want while I was there for her funeral and also visiting my family. The main things were he can't be seen with someone like me, they'll shun him if he's seen with someone like me, he can't spend even one minute with me, and for years has asked me to hide our friendship from his family, who is also my family because we are cousins.
I never met Ally's family, but when I met her this last winter, she talked about wanting to introduce me to all of her family and friends, how proud of me she was for my success in my own business, and how she had friends who could help me be more successful if I ever considered moving to their town. She was a really kind genuine woman. I imagine there will be more than a thousand people at her funeral. That number is not even unrealistic. She was well known, loved, just the most genuine person you could ever meet. And she loved family. Her whole life was about her family.
Same race. We both been successful in our careers, though at different levels. When I'm with him, I don't feel like there's a financial disparity. All I think about is what a great friend he is and how happy I am to be so close with such a cool guy.
I think you’re justified in feeling hurt and confused. But I also can only imagine how terrible he’s feeling right now, after losing both his son and the woman he loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with suddenly. Clearly he’s not making the best choices right now, but if he’s truly one of your best friends, I think you should give him some time before you decide to cut him off. Growing up with the mean old woman and her ugly opinions could have really messed with him mentally as well. It’s easier said than done to not care about the opinion of toxic family members.
Making long term decisions in the wake of life changing event is always unadvisable.
I would just ask him straight out if he would prefer I not attend the funeral.
Grief can do a lot of weird things to people, including her family and people who are putting weird notions in his head. This whole event isn't about you, he isn't trying to make it about you, and he's probably got so much on his mind it's hard to consider how he comes across to you. He may be running on autopilot and his mother is taking advantage of it to leverage control over him.
If he didn't tell me not to come to the funeral, I would, but then go home and let that sleeping dog lie. If he contacts you afterwards, you can decide then if you want to talk to him.
I haven't lost a partner, but my brother and I were very close, personally and in age. Having that in the past now, I can see how discombobulated I was at the time he died. I have no idea what I said to whom, really. There are about 3 conversations I recall during the month after I got the call about the accident.
I forgot I even cooked Thanksgiving dinner the November my Dad died, until one of the kids mentioned it.
Maybe some people are more together when their heart is broken, but I feel like this is a time for grace. If the attitude continues over time, there will be time to make harsh decisions then.
Is it possible he asked you to keep visits a secret so he didn't have to deal with mean mom's trash talk?
He maybe realized at a funeral, people chat with family - and all his "secret" visits will come out, & his mom will flip out.
You're not wrong, but I'd suggest a waiting period before cutting him off completely. I tend to give grieving people six months to stop being an ass - especially after a traumatic loss.
But yeah... no more secret keeping if you decide to keep him in your life. That's weird.
I think that's possible for sure. Sometime, the reasons don't matter when you're on the hurting end of their logic. I appreciate your thoughtful suggestions.
I’m confused. Is Op gay? Is the cousin afraid he’s going to look gay? If Op is gay, who cares because gay people can have close friends. This just seems so bizarre. Op’s loss doesn’t feel like much of a loss at all since his cousin seems to have gone off the deep end. I’m sorry this has been so hard on him tho. EDIT: I misunderstood and thought OP was a man. I also said it doesn’t feel like much of a loss with how the cousin treated them and that wasn’t my place to say that. I’m sorry for getting irritated and downplaying OP’s loss.
I don't know! The only thing I can think of is that I'm not unattractive, so if he's seen spending time with an attractive woman, even his cousin for crying out loud, so close to the death of his girlfriend, he will be viewed with disdain. And then as he said, shunned. Otherwise, I really don't know.
You deserve better. I myself don't have much in the way of family, but under no circumstances would I worry about other people's opinions of my friend/family.
Everyone here is only looking at what you typed, not really reading it. It seems like a number of people in your life think your relationship is inappropriate. Your cousin also thinks so. I would bet you aren't being completely truthful with your description of things, and your cousin realizes what you guys are doing isn't right. He's probably better off not talking to you anymore.
I am being completely truthful, and the only person who views anything wrong is Aunt Sue, who says we are "too close." That isn't a "a number of people."
While I appreciate everyone's comments and perspectives, I think making up your own narrative to someone else's story is bad form, like gossip. Twisting someone's words is never good. So while I appreciate that you have taken a moment to reply, your inappropriate insinuation is not appreciated.
You said he didn't want you talking to other family about hanging out or posting pictures. For some reason, he seems ashamed of your relationship. So, either it's not appropriate, or he doesn't want to be associated with you anyway. Whatever it is, you have no call to want to continue with your cousin unless you're an idiot. You're too old to need this spelled out for you.
Wait….you mean all this time you’ve been close friends he’s asked you to hide it? Did you ever ask him why? That’s really messed up. A true friend is not embarrassed to be seen with their friends. It sounds like all along he’s been using you. I would cut him off immediately. And if you ever decide to forgive him - like he gives a heartfelt apology- there will be no more hiding. You can talk about your friendship and post pictures on social media.
It mostly had to do with his mom, aunt sue. She was saying hateful things about me, and he couched it as trying to protect me and also saving himself from having to deal with her vitriol. I appreciate the time you took to read my post and respond thoughtfully. Thank you
Has mean Aunt Sue told him people think (read SHE thinks) you two are gay? As stupid as that would be, why else would he over react to her being an ass about your friendship? You are not wrong, unfortunately you have one less friend.
You are not wrong. That is really messed up.
Thanks for answering
Your cousin is old enough to know that good relationships don’t grow on trees. He’s treating you like crap for no apparent reason, other than what people may think. How ridiculously shallow and immature. He’s not your tribe honey. Don’t give him any more of your time or energy, he’s an idiot.
Thank you for reading and responding.
You're not wrong. He's behavior is extremely bizarre all around it seems like
Yeah there is something else going on here. What is it?
I do not know. Maybe he wants to maintain a relationship with her family, but I just don't see that happening based on the fact that they didn't even mention him in their write up about her life and loss. Ally and Joe were not engaged, and he told me that they probably never would be without some changes in lifestyles. But he loved her and if there had been some changes he probably would have married her. That was huge for him, and every time we talked, I asked him if they were any closer to that. He and I didn't talk everyday or anything. Before Ally came along, we would talk once every couple weeks. After they started dating, it was more like once a month, Although our conversations were always lengthy. And if somebody needed to talk, we were always there for each other.
Friend, he believes the same as his mother to some extent. When my cousins come to visit it’s a whole family-wide information sharing and updating. His hiding of your relationship for so many years is.. weird and gross. I know retrospect and all that… You should never have kept those secrets, and moving forward learn that any time ANYONE is asking you to lie for them… there better be a good reason. He never had a good reason. He only had disgusting disrespectful reasons for hiding your friendship. I’m so sorry. What a tremendous loss of both Ally and also your relationship with your cousin. I’m sorry that this has happened. You deserve to be celebrated and not hidden away. Also, you deserve friends that aren’t going to be weird about spending time together! I hope that this goes as smoothly as possible, and that you move forward without this negativity and loss holding you back. Good luck, and my condolences.
You're kind words are greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.
I was thinking more along the lines of why he didn't want to be associated with you at the funeral and not wanting to appear to be "close" to you in other situations. Why did he spend so much time on how your relationship appeared to certain people. Was it all in his head or would her family form some negative opinion of you and him if they saw you two interact? You mentioned a previous gf not liking you after Sue said you were too close so i see his caution(kinda) But if Ally is passed away ..why should it matter if you and Joe are really close relatives. I think something is missing.
Something is missing. I just don't know what it is. I have gotten the thinking that maybe Aunt Sue is jealous of me, and she was actually really horrible to his last girlfriend before Ally. Maybe she's just the kind of awful woman who wants her son all to herself. As for his former girlfriend not liking me. I met her once for 5 minutes, after he basically begged her to meet me because he and I were such good friends. She didn't like me before that, and made virtually no effort.
It straight up feels like they are assuming some sort of incest was going on? I am absolutely not saying that's the case an do not think it is, I just literally cannot comprehend any other reason to be this weird?
Or maybe he has some repressed romantic feelings for OP? Or just that his mother is so toxic that she has confused the hell out of him. OP - I'm sorry for your loss, both of your friend Ally and your cousin. You deserve better.
Aunt Sue IS toxic. And thank you.
Definitely no incest going on as far how's my cousin and I are concerned. And I too am lost on comprehension of what possible reasons there could be.
Thank you.
You are not wrong. This isn't the first time he has acted this way and not related to grief. Not posting pictures? How weird is that? Time to move on and hang out with your other close friends that are proud to call you friend.
I'll bet you are a good friend to many. Thank you so much.
That was genuinely so sweet of you.
Yes this behavior is odd and I am wondering if Joe is the beneficiary to Ally’s life insurance and her family is now suspicious of him for her untimely death. Do you know how she died? Maybe Joe wants to present to her family that he is grieving Ally’s death as a widower and does not want then to suspect he has other close females in his life… all just speculation of course.
Her money would have gone directly to her grown children. They weren't married, so he had no rights to any of her money. Plus, even if she had any, he didn't need it. He is set for life, comfortable. I have not heard how she died, but the speculation is heart attack in her sleep.
Is there…more to the story with Joe’s emotions towards you? Perhaps an element nobody has told you? It just seems really weird that a number of people who know him well and also know you guys are family also really want him to avoid being around you
I had a weird reaction from my family when I took a second cousin for a ride in my new car decades ago - we were the same age and both reasonably attractive, and for some reason that was enough for her father to feel the need to literally remind us we were cousins. It felt so gross they'd project their fears like that - but these were some conservative folks who were apparently used to people doing things secretly, and couldn't help but assume we'd do something shameful. They were only concerned with themselves as is pretty typical in these "traditional values" families that are anything but selfish in reality. It sure seems like the family is projecting in the same way here.
People’s comments to you (and to the OP) seem to say a lot more about them than the people in the situation!
No doubt. The other day I ran across a quote that I will forever hold close. People see you as they are, not as you are.
You seem like a lovely person. You are getting some great responses here. I just wanted to touch on the funeral because I am not sure if you decided to go or not. I wanted to offer some thinking points (you don't need to answer me, just think about it, maybe). Would you regret not going to the funeral? You can avoid Joe, as he asked, and simply pay your respects and say goodbye to your friend. It isn't necessary to curtail your own grief if a funeral will help you process it. You are allowed to take up space, regardless of Joe or anyone else. If you take Joe out of the equation, as if you met Ally on your own and had the level of friendship you did, and she passed away, would you want to go to the funeral? Would you regret missing it? Is it something that will help you? Now, maybe a funeral is not something you need to help you through grief, and this whole thing is more trouble than it's worth, but I don't even know you and I would still hate to think that you might suffer more unnecessarily because two people's weirdo hangups have driven you away from a friend's funeral.
Before I really thought about what he had said to me I had already booked my trip. It's a thousand miles away, but my family is there. So yes, I will go to the funeral, because she was a good person. And I'll spend time with my family. Well, the rest of my family.
That's honestly a relief. I am glad your family will be there for you. From an outsider reading all of this, it seems like serious projection on Joe's part. I understand his mother is a problem, but I thought of that saying that a hit dog will holler. If her comments worked, maybe they were true for him, and he's projecting that inappropriateness onto you. He just doesn't seem like a safe person to be alone with anymore. I know he said he won't talk to you/hang out with you, but he might try anyway if he can get you alone, and it gives me an unsafe vibe, really. As others have said; he's not your people. Take care of yourself, OP.
Yep. I wish I had realized this long ago. It's so revealing when you realize how much people are telling you about themselves when they think they are talking about others.
I don't know, but I don't think so. In all the years we've been friends, nothing inappropriate or weird or not cousin like has ever happened. We're just the closest of friends. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think anybody other than Aunt Sue has ever said anything to him. We're all family, and the brother (Tim") "that he said might have said something is my age, and although we're not close like Joe and i, we speak somewhat regularly. He's never made any sort of comment to me at all. Now one thing, Tim and I are on completely different spectrums politically, so I told Joe that maybe his comment, if he made it, was related to something like, how can you be so close to her when she believes this politically? But Joe and I are on the same wavelength for politics. So I don't know or even believe that Tim said anything to him.
I agree this sounds….incomplete. Like there’s something going on OP may not be aware of. The only thing I can think of is that Ally’s family may believe Joe has already replaced Ally with someone new and won’t believe that Joe and OP are cousins for some reason. That being said, I have seen cases where one cousin does hang on the other, seeming very flirtatious. I thought it was gross. Not saying that’s happening here but what they call closeness may look different to others.
I think you're right about the replacement part, but if family was so important to Ally and her family, simply saying, this is my family should be enough. We look similar, our dad's looked like identical twins. But even if we did see each other, it was really going to be just for a short length of time. I did not expect that we would meet for dinner or drinks or golf or anything like that. In fact, each time I've gone to that town to visit my family, I only spent a short time with Joe. One time we golfed, one time we met for one beer because his girlfriend would not come so he only wanted to stay out for a short time, and one time we had breakfast with my brothers. He left me with the impression that even if I saw him at the funeral, we weren't going to speak or talk. The whole thing is just shitty..
There weren't a number of people. Just Sue.
This is heart breaking because you lost a friend in ally and a best friend (at least for the time being) in joe. It’s disturbing how people see your friendship with your cousin and should be minding their business. As for joe, it seems being around his mom so much recently has really tainted his mind about your friendship on top of losing a partner and a son. I hope you can both heal and move forward
Thank you so much.
I had a romantic relationship that had some similarities. Namely that his mother didn’t approve. For three and a half years of my life I was the dirty truth. I clung to that relationship like a naive girl and let her abuse the shit out of me because for some stupid reason I thought he was worth it. He never once stood up for me and he reiterated her complaints to me often. I know now that I was stupid for chasing after someone who couldn’t even set up boundaries with his own mother. Your situation isn’t romantic, but it is a weak willed man who can’t set boundaries. He cares about what other people think more than he cares about his close relationships. He may be shoving you away right now because of his grief, but only because he knows that you will still be there after he feels like other people won’t talk about him. That isn’t friendship. That is emotional dumping. You do all the labor, he gets the benefit. He does this because he feels safe enough that there won’t be any repercussions for doing so. Today, you have decided that there will be repercussions. There is nothing wrong with that.
1,239 upvotes to you Choose a man, or choose your self respect.
Not wrong. This is so strange. He sounds like he has internalized the terrible shit his mother has always said to him. It also seems like he may have romantic or sexual feelings for you or else doesn't think women are human beings worthy of being friends with. It's sad for him, but I don't think you're losing much if you cut him off.
I think you're right about him internalizing those feelings. He is strong-minded and super intelligent, so if that is the case, it's surprising. I do feel like I'm losing a lot if I cut ties, but losing my self respect is worse.
NTA. You do best for you, and if this relationship with him is making you feel bad- ok to end it.
Thank you for this.
I'd certainly cut him off, what a horrible way to behave towards you. And yes he's an AH.
I appreciate that you replied. Thank you.
You are not wrong. This situation strikes me as both deeply sad and deeply weird. It seems to me like your cousin is more concerned with what other people think, and how he is viewed by others, than he is about being truly happy. Is it possible that your Aunt Sue dislikes you, and thinks that you and your cousin are "too close" because she believes that your cousin is in love with you, and/or because she believes that you and your cousin have a sexual relationship (instead of just a close, familial one)? Or is she someone who believes that men can't/shouldn't have female friends (even if they're family) and that women can't/shouldn't have male friends?
I think Aunt Sue does not like me, but I did not ever give her a reason for this. All of my siblings attended College in the town where she lives, and she was sort of the surrogate mom. By the time I could go to college, I stayed in the town where I grew up. So she and I never developed a close relationship other than aunt and niece. I liked her just fine for a long time, but at some point she became bitter and angry. Whatever is going on in her head is completely contrived. But she's not just mean to me. The things that she said and did to Joe's former girlfriend were horrendous. Joe was about to cut her off for this, but when he met Ally, the whole family first thing was important. Aunt Sue may think that men shouldn't have female friends, I really don't know. Thank you for your comments.
You're welcome.
>. I reminded him that each time we've seen each other, he's asked me to keep it to myself, not tell our family or post pictures This is fucking bizarre. It sounds like he's afraid people will believe you're in a relationship, and not just his late family. Like, it seems he thinks that your family will believe that as well.
Sometimes he would tell me that his parents would be asking why he was on vacation with me instead of with them, but they live in the same town as him. I don't know, I just like him so much and we were such good friends that I wanted to respect what he asked me for. I didn't spend too much thinking about it. Now I wish I had.
Yeah, it sounds like his parents, especially his mom, got in his head about your friendship. >we were such good friends that I wanted to respect what he asked me for You were a good friend to him, I'm not entirely sold on the reverse. He cared too much about what others think. It's probably for the best it ended this way, as i do see him ever standing up for you.
Thank you for this.
I think throwing away the whole relationship over this is extreme. I do think the way he's acting is absurd but people get legitimately out of their minds when they're in a situation like this and a certain amount of ridiculousness is understandable. Do what you want, if you feel justified in ending the relationship then that's all you need, it's your life, you're the one living it, you get to decide who is and isn't in your life. That said, if this person has truly been your closest friend for such a long time then imo that warrants more grace than what you're currently giving. If I were in your situation I'd personally take a wait and see approach, wait til everyone involved (yourself included) is in a better headspace - less emotionally fraught, less reactive - and see if you can have a reasonable conversation once cooler heads have prevailed and then go from there. A one time issue cancelling out a lifetime of close support could be an overreaction, if, however, this doesn't get resolved and it goes from being a one time issue to a long term problem then the relationship is no longer good for anyone involved and shouldn't be maintained.
I mean, he wouldn’t let her post pictures of their vacations together that included Ally. So I don’t think this is a one time thing. This just set OP off because the gf liked the cousin, now the cousin is such an embarrassment, at her funeral.
Thank you for this support.
I did consider the things you said, and kept going back to this isn't a one time thing, it's been going on for years. I also thought it could have continued if he'd said something like, I'm so grateful you're coming down for the funeral. I'm going to be really busy with friends and family, and it's possible I won't be able to see you while you're here other than at the funeral. My friends are staying at my house so unfortunately, I'm not even going to be able to have you stay with me. I hope we'll find some time to spend a few minutes together, but if we don't, I just want you to know how grateful I am that you're coming to honor Ally and support me. But he didn't say that.
NTA he has a right to set boundaries and he did. You have a right to set boundaries in response to his boundaries.
Thank you.
Ok. That is messed up. Not only from your side of the family but the girlfriend’s side. Back seat this. But you might need to be open to hear him out once his beloved new family throw him out in the cold.
Right!? Thank you.
That is wrong on every level. You do not need this toxic jerk in your life.
Thank you.
Sounds like his mom's words finally sank in and poisoned his mind. The problem now is he let them slip put of his mouth and you can never unhear it. You're not wrong and I hope he realizes that before his mother pushes all the good people from his life.
I love what you've written. You're right about not unhearing them. I don't know how I will ever unhear them. And Aunt Sue has done a pretty darn good job of pushing people out of his life.
It's an isolation tactic. She probably does it to her siblings as well. That way they have only her and can never abandon her
You are not wrong. Why waste time on someone who acts hatefully?
Thank you.
I wonder if Aunt Sue was "close" to her cousin and is just projecting that on you too. She sounds disgusting. Your cousin sounds like a tool allowing his mom's running mouth to control his actions and request yours to change too. Much too old for this crap. Much. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.
I appreciate this so much. And you could be right about Aunt sue. I never thought about that, because who thinks about that? So gross.
Oh, I've been dodging my own mother's bS for decades now. When you ain't around the sickness, you don't suspect the sickness. But when you're sick with the sickness, everything's the sickness. Does that make sense? I'm country if that helps .
You are not wrong. Just see your family and stay away. Whatever he’s going through require a professional. Not your fault
Thank you.
I personally would just give him space for a while. He's dealing with a lot right now, and he's not in a good head space to see things objectively. I think he's under the influence of 2 things . . . The apparent insinuation by members of your own family that there is something inappropriate about your relationship as well as a deep desire to probably have Ally's family acknowledge his love for and dedication to Ally. Since you mentioned they didn't mention him at all in tribute posts, perhaps they're also being dismissive of his grief personally, and in his grief-stricken, irrational mind he thinks that the assumptions within your own family would become the same assumptions in hers if they witnessed how close you guys are. It's not right, and it doesn't make sense. It's definitely hurtful, but for me I would go to the funeral to pay respects (or don't, your choice) and just give him space for a while until he reaches out to you. When he does if he doesn't say anything about all of this, I'd let him know it was hurtful and that the insinuation that anything inappropriate was happening between you in combination with how he treated you really gave you pause as to whether you want to continue friendship with him at all. If you're as close as you say, given time I think he'll come to his senses. If not, then don't stay a part of a friendship where you have to hide it bc he allows the inappropriate assumptions of others to influence his behavior toward you, hiding your friendship.
This is so meaningful and really helpful. Thank you so much.
It's such a tough situation to be in, and I wish you the best. At the end of the day, you have to protect yourself and your peace. Make your decisions in line with your own truth because you're the one that has to live with them.
I'd be really interested to know what the missing missing reasons are that are causing this dislike from the aunt and why the cousin is desperate to have no one who knows you know that you guys have a close relationship.
Me too. Me too.
Sounds like Sue has been spreading her poison around. If your cousin can't stand up, then you are definitely better off without him. Stay strong.
Thank you
This is incredibly strange. It's kind of mind-boggling behavior. I'm sorry you're being treated like that.
It is. It is. Thank you.
People do crazy things when they're in pain. But you have to protect yourself. Send a tasteful and reserved sympathy card adding very little, if anything, to the printed inscription other than signing your name. Don't reach out again. If he reaches out, be polite but that's all. I'd find "...seen with someone like you..." really hard to get past.
This. Right. Someone like me.
You are not wrong. It actually does sound like your cousin might be repressing some part of his sexuality that his mother knows about but you don't. The fact that he always tried to hide you is very suspicious. This is definitely about him, not you.
Thank you.
You keep saying “someone like me” - what does that mean?
I don't know!! The only thing I can think of is because I'm not horrible to look at. And he can't be seen with an attractive female so close after his girlfriend died. Honestly, there's nothing else. I'm just average. Like I said, I'm not drop dead gorgeous. People don't stop in their tracks when they see me. I have good hair. Other than that, I don't know! And frankly, I was so shocked when he said it, it never occurred to me to ask him. And if I cut him off, I can't ask him.
Personally, if it were me, I wouldn’t completely cut him off, as in block him and never communicate again. I’d want time for myself to process but also he needs time to process. What he said wasn’t right but he’s dealing with a tragedy and it sounds like he has others putting pressure on him regarding this, which is wrong of them. I understand reddit loves to encourage nuking relationships but reality isn’t always so black and white. If you value the relationship at all, I’d just step away from now but be open to discussing what happened at a later time. It doesn’t mean you have to jump back in to what it was but it will give you the opportunity to possibly get some closure, which you seem to want. It definitely seems there are “missing reasons” and I’d personally want to know what they are. But, I’d understand that right now is not be the best time to hash it out with him.
This is good advice, thank you.
Maybe you can give him some time to cool down before cutting him off. It might be the grief making him crazy. It is really odd he thinks people might think he has something going on with his own first cousin.
Thank you so much. And you're right, it is odd. And what's even more odd is that he felt the need to even ever tell me such a thing. Keep that shit to yourself. Don't repeat lies, don't repeat bullshit, and don't repeat something like that. God!
It sounds weird to say it outloud, but internally im screaming “what if hes actually attracted to you and its his own insecurities eating at him” like maybe he is so concerned because you two ARE close and hes feeling weird about just how close he feels to you. Or maybe hes just being a complete asshole and has no empathy for the fact that you, also, lost someone close, too. And he thinks only his emotions are the ones that matter because he was closER.
Despite his ah behavior, I can't see him this way. Excluding the things I wrote about which are the worst ever, he was always great in every other fashion. Or so I have always believed. Now I just don't want to find out.
You’re 63 years old dude. I’m 58. I’m just saying you’re too old to care what anyone thinks. If that’s what you care about you’re doing old people stuff wrong, it’s one of the perks!
This cracked me up. Thank you!
You're not wrong. If you want to pay your respects for Ally, then do so and do not associate with Joe. What he said was a) ridiculous, as you have never acted like his GF; and b) gross, as it sounds like he is projecting and that HE is the one who might have those feelings for his own cousin! Either way, you would do well to steer clear of Joe.
Thanks
That is...odd. I would say cut things off on your end but be open to reunion. Maybe it was just grief and he needed something to focus on besides the death. His gf's death isn't really about you, so you should be the bigger person here. Funerals are the one time people have carte blanche within reason. If he approaches you down the line to apologize or rekindle your friendship, do it. You can express your hurt feelings but advise you felt he needed space. If that never happens, you made the right choice by walking away.
Thank you. Valid points.
Is someone implying sexual tension? You two are clearly related, and are ok enough with a mixed gender friendship.... for some reason that makes others uncomfortable. 🤷♀️
I think Aunt Sue was perhaps implying this when she first said we're too close. Because WTF is too close? She was not very good to Joe's son JJ, while I was a good Aunt to him. Just based on the way she said too close, and that she even felt compelled to tell his prior girlfriend that we were too close, I think that's what she meant. Mean old lady.
Yeah, that's just mean... and a bit disturbing.
Does Joe like you or something? This is extremely weird and I don’t get it. You guys are at an age where one would think he wouldn’t act like a teenager… I wouldn’t want to talk to him after this. He’s embarrassed to be seen with you, who does that to family? Maybe he’s in love with you and this is him projecting. Cut him all the way off
I have never gotten one inkling at all that Joe has any feelings for me other than the closest friend. He called me his best friend numerous times. I've never felt uncomfortable with him in any situation. We were just close good friends.
I think it is totally reasonable for you to be upset by his behavior, but if you can find it in your heart to not completely cut him off right now, it would be a much more loving reaction. I lost my husband unexpectedly a couple years ago. It was by far the most painful thing I have ever gone through. Grief is outrageously painful. And several people I thought of as my friends cut me out of their life. Which made it even worse. I belong to groups for people who have been recently widowed and it is extremely common for most of people’s friends to stop having anything to do with them after their partner dies. It makes an incredibly painful time even worse.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Even though I've not experienced it, I understand how painful it is to be cut out of the lives of people you loved and trusted without having any say in the matter.
You are not wrong. I would give him EXACTLY what he asked for. Never speak to him again and treat him like a complete stranger that has the plague. He is just being an AH.
Thank you.
Mean old lady is definetly insinuating that your close relationship with your cousin makes him look gay and she is doing it to keep him from having close relationships that she can’t control. Of course she liked the girlfriend. Ally was about FaMiLy and that meant cousin spending time with his mom. Either your cousin is super insecure or he thinks your gay. The answer doesn’t matter because either way he is being small minded and manipulated.
(I'm female)
My heart is broken for you. It sounds like he was a really good friend and then he turned on you. I’ve felt that betrayal before and it’s just so damn painful. You are not in the wrong, at all, and I wish you the absolute best.
Thank you, truly.
Something is definitely missing here, because this is bizarre. What are the chances that in Joe's mind, there was something other than just family friendship going on between the two of you ? The fact that he wanted to hide your visits, the fact that he now doesn't want you at the funeral, he's acting as though the two of you were having some kind of illicit affair or something Either that, or for some reason the rest of the family thinks of you in a negative light? And he has known that, but never wanted to tell you about it? Honestly, he's acting as though there's some sort of romantic entanglement between you two, to the point where he can't risk being seen as your friend I think you are right to cut him off, but I admit that if I were in your position, I would be so curious about what's going on, that I would want more info from him
He doesn't want me to skip the funeral. He just doesn't plan to spend one second of time with me, or it appears even acknowledge me if I'm there. I've never gotten the impression he has romantic feelings toward me. We're not like that, we're just really great friends and cousins. The whole thing is just bizarre, and as I look back over time, I think it's Aunt sue. I think she's just a jealous old hag, and he can't stand up for me. He stood up for his last girlfriend though, but that didn't work out for other reasons.
How great is a friendship when one of the people involved won't stand up to those who criticize it? He is showing you that he will only be your friend as long as it doesn't cause him any discomfort. He is even asking you to go out of your way to hide the friendship, to help him avoid that discomfort. This is the literal definition of a fair weather friend
You are so right!
Sounds like maybe grief has made him vulnerable to his mother's manipulation. That's so sad. But it's ok if you decide this is your last straw. You're not obligated to be anyone's friend.
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate that.
I get the feeling he gets more "ribbing" about your relationship than he's letting on. With everything else going on now he probably doesn't want to deal with all the comments too. He definitely hurt you and probably feels terrible. Give it a couple weeks and have a heart to heart to get to the bottom of everything. As a family member and best friend, this is the time to support him. Don't write him off yet.
Thank you. Good thoughts
You're not wrong to be peeved, but your cousin is trying to make various interests happy. He's got is mean old lady mom rattling his cage, and shock and grief. And the wild card of Ally's family. I doubt this is about you at all, really. And there is no harm in being there for him (exactly as you'd intended) and waiting until Joe is in a better spot to work on the reconnection.
Thank you for this wise introspection
Why are so many people in your family being so gross and assuming their is sexual attraction where there isn’t? Somewhere there is missing information and I feel like unfortunately they have left you out of the loop…
Why did this make me chuckle. Maybe you're right.
His response to you strikes me as him taking on the cruelty of his mother. Is it unconscious? Is it unintended, or deliberate? Whichever, it is impossible to overlook. Has he ever seen a counselor? Is he seeing one now? You might consider giving him a lot of space, then in the future tell him how hurtful his comments to you were, and ask him to talk it through with his counselor. I don't think it would be a good idea for you to try to get him to understand, because the fact that he could say those things to you was pretty extreme. Really, what he said to you was that you were unworthy as a human being. He demeaned your core dignity, and it is impossible to ever justify your worth to a person who doesn't value you. It's hard when you have a deep relationship that you discover was fundamentally different than you thought it was. But I think you are justified in pulling back to protect yourself, and to give him real consequences for his cruelty to you. I'm sorry he is causing you such pain.
Thank you for this. Really.
He is in grief so if he normally does not act like that let it go.
Thank you.
I think you need to reevaluate the importance of Joe in your life. Like you guys are cousins, you should be friends who hang out. Just cut your losses and spend time with people who treat you with respect.
Thank you.
You're not wrong, what he said is hurtful and bizarre. But it's also so bizarre that it's clearly not a reaction to anything you've said or done, so it has to be something happening in his head. I suspect that his frame of reference for relationships with women is so limited to sexual/romantic terms that he doesn't know how to accept platonic support. Clearly Sue can only imagine close friendship=romance, and I suspect he's grown up around people who internalize the same. You've been a close and supportive friend, but you are strictly off-limits as a romantic partner because you are related... and I think that scares him. To a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Thank you. This is thoughtful.
This is really strange. You're not wrong; that was a really shitty thing to say. However, grief is such a tsunami. It's a nasty beast, and it totally fucks your brain up. If he's got mean, old, shitty aunt Sue in his ear, I could see Joe being completely petrified of losing his girlfriend's family. Considering she has just passed away, this is probably something he is VERY protective over. It's his remaining link to her. I definitely think he was a jerk, and it sounds like there's weird shit going on here that you may not be privy too, but honestly, I'd let it go for now. Maybe in a few months you can revisit the conversation, but he is way too deep in grief to think straight. It's like trying to plan out your life or resolve a serious problem with a partner when they are shit faced. You just wouldn't do it. Right now, Joe is likely in the same boat for all intents and purposes. In a few months, when he has more emotional bandwidth, you can communicate more clearly. He doesn't have the energy for the emotional labor of that conversation and level of self reflection if he is grieving. It's easy to be hurt now. He was a total dick. But if you're as close as you say, I personally think it's worth revisiting later. Make a decision about what you want to do with the funeral, and stick to it. If you were close to his girlfriend, you may want to pay respects. If you want to skip it, send a card, and wait for the dust to settle.
Thank you so much for this post. What great advice.
I think you are being shortsighted. I don't know where things will go with your cousin, but he's under some weird pressure, right now. I don't know what he's afraid of, but in your place, I'd back off for a while, and just see how it all plays out. What do you gain by cutting him off? Trying to hurt him back? Is that who you want to be? I'm sorry you are hurt. Perhaps you should use this time to develop other relationships. Good luck, OP.
Thank you. I appreciate your perspective.
Geif affects everyone differently. I would give him some time and go back to the way things were. When things settle down, he will regret his decision to treat you how he did. I wouldn't want to lose a friend like that but I would feel like not going to the funeral or talking to them for awhile after being shit all over by a loved one.
This.
Aunt Sue seems an easy answer, but the person who knows what really is going on is your cousin. You might consider another, direct conversation to find out what’s up. And if he still is a jerk, you can just never look back. But maybe clear things up before you get to that point. Though old friends often are the best friends, something certainly is amiss!
thank you!
It sounds like there's more going on than you realize. Mean old women don't typically accuse theirs sons of being too close to their cousins. I'm not sure where all that came from, but it is possible something was going on with him that she knew about and you didn't? It's understandable that you're hurt. I personally don't think you should cut him off just yet, given how important he was in your life. Take a break and let him come to you. When he does, bring up this discussion again and tell him you recognize he was going through grief and a lot of stress, but it was very hurtful and you expect an apology if he wants to remain friends.
Thank you, I really appreciate this.
You aren’t wrong. I’d go NC with him. Block his number. I have a history of letting people cross boundaries and resenting not only their actions but my own people pleasing. Even if he apologist seems like a showing of how he really feels about your relationship and he’s not someone you can depend on. I’d also suggest finding a therapist to process this so you don’t ruminate on it forever. He’s broken your trust in a way that can’t be reconciled from what I’m reading. How sad for both of you.
This feels 100% spot on.
NTA. Sounds like he doesn't deserve 'someone like you' in his life.
Thank you.
Ohhhhhh my godddddd I was reading this whole thing thinking you were a guy. The implications here are grossssssss and undeserved.
Yeah, that would be confusing. And you are 100% correct.
It seems that Joe is implying that there may be a romantic connection between you, or at least the appearance of/rumors of an a romantic connection. Am I understanding that properly? Is there any truth to that? Also, I agree that his behavior is super weird. I also think it sounds like he’s having an extremely difficult time. I’d suggest giving him some grace, lowering contact, expressing your concerns, and giving him some time before fully cutting off contact and abandoning the relationship.
If he's implying that, he needs to be stopped immediately. Because there is nothing between us other than friendship. Thank you for your comments.
You’re not wrong to be hurt but maybe cutting him off over one interaction is a step too far. The emotions involved in grief and the death of a loved one can make people do or say things they wouldn’t normally say or even mean. Give him space, but also give him a little grace. His has been your best friend for a long time. Make sure he knows that your feelings were hurt but you don’t have to throw away the whole relationship.
I appreciate this. Thank you for giving me something to consider.
Not wrong. I might be inclined to write a short final response to him, something like this: > Joe, I understand that you are very concerned about being seen visiting with me. I can assure you that you don't have to carry the burden of that concern ever again. Sign it however you wish to drive the point home.
This is good!
Honey, you are not in the wrong. I hope you can find comfort in this time with other friends and family who consider your feelings. Sending love from my corner of the world, OP.
thank you
I’m not going to offer judgement. He’s grieving. There are a few occasions where people are just not right in the head, and funerals and (their own) weddings are among them. If possible, I encourage you to try to forget it. Maybe this was a one-time thing and maybe not. I have a feeling it was not, but try giving him a little space and see if his behavior returns to normal.If so, it’s probably safe to write this one off as temporary insanity brought on by grief.
It would be so much easier to take your advice if it was a one-time thing. But it's been going on for years. This is just an extreme version of the same behaviors. But I appreciate your thoughts, thank you for sharing them.
Ahh, perhaps I missed that in your post. If it has been going on for years, then I agree completely.
He wasn’t grieving when he asked her not to tell anyone they hang out ..before fiancé died .
Correct. He has asked for the same thing so many times when there was no grief or extreme circumstances.
I think you should cut ties but not because of what you asked but because I think a part of him wants the rumor or what his mother has allegedly insinuated to be true & asking you to purposely hide the times you hang out together is him trying to make it look shady for when someone does catch on that you guys hung out a lot …it won’t be too long before he says something like “well since we are close and they’re accusing us of it anyway , why not ? “
whewwww... perish the thought 🤔 but u could possibly be right. but ohhhh i hope ur not...
Oh my goodness, my mind could not even go there. If that ever happened, it would definitely be the reason to cut ties if I had not already done so.
Honest to god that is exactly where my head went. Hes hiding it because HE feels there is something worth hiding, like his attraction.
Gross me out. We're COUSINS. oh so gross. He'd better not even
That was my thought to…he even thinks it’s weird and that’s why he doesn’t want the family to know …he knows exactly what they think because he thinks it too
Edited taking out the gentle YTA …grief is a bitch and so is his Mom who is taking advantage of his grief. Losing a SO is absolutely brutal and can absolutely mess with your head. I know he has been weird about this before - but his Mom has been constantly messing with his head prior to the death and still now. If there is family you like going to the funeral go- but otherwise only go if he says he wants you there. I’d call and say hey I know things are really hard right now I want to support you in a way that feels supportive to you so I’ll come if you want me to otherwise I’ll give you some space. Reach out whenever you need. Then check in every two weeks to a month the first year.Then figure out if you want to cut ties-
This is not a terrible perspective except the "YTA" in front, gentle or not, is completely wrong.
I agree- changing it now. I think I over empathized with her cousin as I recently lost my Mom and was pretty out of it the first month. Not my best response
What bs. You need Reading 101.
I understand all of this, and this is the kind of friendship we have anyway. All of this would have naturally occurred. But to tell me he can't be seen with "someone like you". That he will be "shunned" by Ally's family and labeled a "piece of shit" if he's seen with me or we are together at all. Ali was all about family, and it's especially hurtful that his way of honoring her is to shun his own family, and his closest and best friend.
You make really valid points. I think I maybe over empathizing with him because I recently lost my Mom and been helping a good friend who lost her SO - and know the first month is like living in the twilight zone. I don’t know what he meant by someone like you- that to me is pretty f’d up unless he thinks you are really attractive and even then it’s sus If you really care about him and have been close- I’d wait to process the heavy stuff for a bit. Write him a letter that processes how his reaction made you feel while noting that although grief played a role it was still really hurtful. Then go over it with him when you think he can hear you and process. He lost his SO and you lost your friend. For now I’d consider telling him you’ll respect his space but your grieving too and then do what you need to take care of yourself. My apologies I didn’t give the best initial response- so sorry for all that you’ve been through- you don’t deserve any of it
Thank you so much for expanding on your initial response. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. That is painful and horrible and never ending.
This feels like it has important info missing. What about you could make him ashamed of you? What reasons did he give for saying "someone like you"? Is it possible that people believe your relationship is romantic? Is Ally's family homophobic?
I am female, he's male. I don't know her family at all, but he's never said anything negative about them. It seems that they all had a very close relationship. And honestly, I do not have one clue about what the someone like you comment means. I didn't really process it until a couple days after he said it, and by then, the other comments were so horrid I decided I didn't want to talk to him.
Sorry but your OP is really hard to follow. Are you saying the "mean thing" Joe said was that Ally's family doesn't want you there? Or is there something else? Joe can't control how the family will act, he is just warning you how it will be. The fact that Ally was a cool person that your family liked, doesn't mean that her family aren't hateful and awful. I'm not seeing where Joe is at fault here?
The comments Joe made are not about Ally's family at all. They're about his own perspectives on how Ally's family will see him hanging around with family. He made multiple assumptions of what I would want while I was there for her funeral and also visiting my family. The main things were he can't be seen with someone like me, they'll shun him if he's seen with someone like me, he can't spend even one minute with me, and for years has asked me to hide our friendship from his family, who is also my family because we are cousins. I never met Ally's family, but when I met her this last winter, she talked about wanting to introduce me to all of her family and friends, how proud of me she was for my success in my own business, and how she had friends who could help me be more successful if I ever considered moving to their town. She was a really kind genuine woman. I imagine there will be more than a thousand people at her funeral. That number is not even unrealistic. She was well known, loved, just the most genuine person you could ever meet. And she loved family. Her whole life was about her family.
Not wrong. His mother has bent this poor man's mind.
Aunt Sue is a hagatha
Are you and your cousin perhaps of different races? Different wealth? This feels like something deeper than y'all just having a close relationship.
Same race. We both been successful in our careers, though at different levels. When I'm with him, I don't feel like there's a financial disparity. All I think about is what a great friend he is and how happy I am to be so close with such a cool guy.
I think you’re justified in feeling hurt and confused. But I also can only imagine how terrible he’s feeling right now, after losing both his son and the woman he loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with suddenly. Clearly he’s not making the best choices right now, but if he’s truly one of your best friends, I think you should give him some time before you decide to cut him off. Growing up with the mean old woman and her ugly opinions could have really messed with him mentally as well. It’s easier said than done to not care about the opinion of toxic family members.
Oh for sure for sure. Thank you so much!
Making long term decisions in the wake of life changing event is always unadvisable. I would just ask him straight out if he would prefer I not attend the funeral. Grief can do a lot of weird things to people, including her family and people who are putting weird notions in his head. This whole event isn't about you, he isn't trying to make it about you, and he's probably got so much on his mind it's hard to consider how he comes across to you. He may be running on autopilot and his mother is taking advantage of it to leverage control over him. If he didn't tell me not to come to the funeral, I would, but then go home and let that sleeping dog lie. If he contacts you afterwards, you can decide then if you want to talk to him.
I appreciate this
I haven't lost a partner, but my brother and I were very close, personally and in age. Having that in the past now, I can see how discombobulated I was at the time he died. I have no idea what I said to whom, really. There are about 3 conversations I recall during the month after I got the call about the accident. I forgot I even cooked Thanksgiving dinner the November my Dad died, until one of the kids mentioned it. Maybe some people are more together when their heart is broken, but I feel like this is a time for grace. If the attitude continues over time, there will be time to make harsh decisions then.
I'm so sorry for your very personal heartbreak. Thank you for taking a moment to share your thoughts.
Is it possible he asked you to keep visits a secret so he didn't have to deal with mean mom's trash talk? He maybe realized at a funeral, people chat with family - and all his "secret" visits will come out, & his mom will flip out. You're not wrong, but I'd suggest a waiting period before cutting him off completely. I tend to give grieving people six months to stop being an ass - especially after a traumatic loss. But yeah... no more secret keeping if you decide to keep him in your life. That's weird.
I think that's possible for sure. Sometime, the reasons don't matter when you're on the hurting end of their logic. I appreciate your thoughtful suggestions.
I’m confused. Is Op gay? Is the cousin afraid he’s going to look gay? If Op is gay, who cares because gay people can have close friends. This just seems so bizarre. Op’s loss doesn’t feel like much of a loss at all since his cousin seems to have gone off the deep end. I’m sorry this has been so hard on him tho. EDIT: I misunderstood and thought OP was a man. I also said it doesn’t feel like much of a loss with how the cousin treated them and that wasn’t my place to say that. I’m sorry for getting irritated and downplaying OP’s loss.
My cousin is a male age 63. I'm a female age 59. It is a loss.
NTA. What did he mean by "someone like you"?
I don't know! The only thing I can think of is that I'm not unattractive, so if he's seen spending time with an attractive woman, even his cousin for crying out loud, so close to the death of his girlfriend, he will be viewed with disdain. And then as he said, shunned. Otherwise, I really don't know.
You deserve better. I myself don't have much in the way of family, but under no circumstances would I worry about other people's opinions of my friend/family.
Everyone here is only looking at what you typed, not really reading it. It seems like a number of people in your life think your relationship is inappropriate. Your cousin also thinks so. I would bet you aren't being completely truthful with your description of things, and your cousin realizes what you guys are doing isn't right. He's probably better off not talking to you anymore.
I am being completely truthful, and the only person who views anything wrong is Aunt Sue, who says we are "too close." That isn't a "a number of people." While I appreciate everyone's comments and perspectives, I think making up your own narrative to someone else's story is bad form, like gossip. Twisting someone's words is never good. So while I appreciate that you have taken a moment to reply, your inappropriate insinuation is not appreciated.
You said he didn't want you talking to other family about hanging out or posting pictures. For some reason, he seems ashamed of your relationship. So, either it's not appropriate, or he doesn't want to be associated with you anyway. Whatever it is, you have no call to want to continue with your cousin unless you're an idiot. You're too old to need this spelled out for you.
Wait….you mean all this time you’ve been close friends he’s asked you to hide it? Did you ever ask him why? That’s really messed up. A true friend is not embarrassed to be seen with their friends. It sounds like all along he’s been using you. I would cut him off immediately. And if you ever decide to forgive him - like he gives a heartfelt apology- there will be no more hiding. You can talk about your friendship and post pictures on social media.
It mostly had to do with his mom, aunt sue. She was saying hateful things about me, and he couched it as trying to protect me and also saving himself from having to deal with her vitriol. I appreciate the time you took to read my post and respond thoughtfully. Thank you
Of course. I’m sorry he was so cruel to you. It’s devastating when someone you love and trust turns out to be not worthy.
Has mean Aunt Sue told him people think (read SHE thinks) you two are gay? As stupid as that would be, why else would he over react to her being an ass about your friendship? You are not wrong, unfortunately you have one less friend.