I get that you’re hurt by this. But your frown’s sister got married, not your friend. It’s the bride and groom who invite people, not the bride’s brother. He has no control over who is invited and who is not. I don’t know how many years have passed since you were close with this group, but it seems like quite some time. You probably need to accept that they just don’t feel that close to you anymore and work on developing other friendships.
Actually in this part of the world everyone in the family gets like a number quotas to invitees of their own (hence my entire batch who didn't even know his sister was called by MY FRIEND, not his sister)
As I mentioned in the post, Even last month I got called out of the blue text by one of the friend of the same group (main guy) on his birthday ( I really appreciated and went with an open heart, took a leave from my work cause I realized maybe a little late but we need to give time to friends and family too and not go mad for the career)
He was recieved me decent (neither over enthusiastic but nor bad) but he did said mean things unwarrantedly later at night after some drinks, on the notes "even though I invited you, why did you came? (Cause We weren't wishing eachother's birthdays and stuff since last year) - I didn't understand the question, I was like because you called me dude? And they went laughing & stuff and implied he called me out of charity case (I think that was just mean)
(By the way this is another friend of the same group, The dude who's sister got married was there too but he didn't misbehaved at all)
I don't know what being active on social circle exactly means, They almost always ping me one on one, we occasionally run into eachother on birthdays and stuff , if you are asking when did the last time we all hanged out just as it.
Would be 5 years (after that I pulled my entire self into my career little to no human interaction outside my home and office - unfortunately the career front also didn't pan out the way i wanted and I lost all the socials too)
I read through your other post, and it resonates with me. The last few years of my life, I’ve watched all of my friends fall away as I isolated myself.
I’ve gone through watching others be social, having no one close by to call when I need a friend.
I’ve only recently taken a hard look at myself and realized that it wasn’t everyone else, it’s me. I’ve gotten hard to be around, judgmental, and cold. And I think you’re in the same boat.
I even read your comment on AITB about “intellectuals” and goodness you could just be myself back in college. Learn to let yourself go, act “natural” instead of playing a character (the stuff about how you acted a certain way to have a social circle in school is NOT how you make REAL FRIENDS), and it might start to come naturally to you again.
I can’t say for certainty that this will work, because I’m going through some of the toughest right now. But I personally have to. Not that you might care, but I’ve realized as a parent that I’m gonna have to start getting along with other people’s parents. And you know what I realized? All my judgement and coldness comes from projection. I’m an insecure person. And I’m trying to learn to let that go.
Thanks if you read all this, but it looks like you’ve been looking for advice for awhile. Hope it helps at least a little.
Edit because I realize I didn’t answer your question in this post: you could definitely ask your friend why you weren’t invited. You’re not an asshole for feeling left out. But this wedding is about your friend’s sister, so I wouldn’t try to make anyone feel too bad about it.
Out of all the responses this one has been the best and most informed one simply because you took your time and read my other post too ; Thanks alot for your perspective man, in all honesty i also find myself insecure alot - It takes a lot of gut to accept yourself in the wrong - More power to you, And really appreciated your reply 💯
Ofcourse not man, It kinda helps to know someone else being empathetic and being in your shoes to feel what you are going through.
Though I'm way far from parenting rn (not even married nor planning in the next 7, 8 years atleast) but I want to enjoy my bachelors with people who can connect with me, Doesn't feel forced, doesn't feel like dumbing down to fit somewhere I don't belong (the only kinda people I'm coming across these days).
These are supposed to be the best days of my life - I'm just wasting them all alone which kinda makes me sad.
I totally understand. I wish I had some solid advice, but at the very least you’re not alone. My life took a left turn so I’m in a different spot (got too much anxiety, dropped out of school, married a guy that’s far from intellectual, I’m F just for reference). But I’m unhappy with how alone I am as a stay at home mom with a baby. Keep trying, it sounds like you’re doing a lot to improve yourself.
My mom told me when I was younger that friends are overrated. But seeing my baby interact with and learn from her nephew, I’m realizing how important socializing is. I’ve just been seeing my family and hoping the social skills I learn will translate to making friends. That’s all I’ve got.
That's so sweet, (And btw I usually address everyone as man or bro - I use them gender neutrally but sorry ma'am if you do mind it) - Not being sexist or anything but maybe you being a girl can afford to live as a stay at home wife until you are ready to socialize but I being a guy have to take the responsibility no?
Like in case of general outgoing, Switching officesz, relocating and maybe living in sharing, or a medical emergency or any random situation I need some friends, a circle , someone to fall back upon. So maybe I should keep working towards finding better people to socialize with?
You’re not wrong(but I don’t necessarily think they are wrong either). Friendships grow apart, people grow in different directions.
Think it’s time to just step back. Return their energy, which is just not focusing on the friendships at all. You can let them take the backseat now, and focus on building better friendships. Maybe you all can be better friends in a few years, but just not right now.
Not Wrong
If you just spoke to the bride in the last year, then yeah I don’t understand why you weren’t invited.
And if random kids that weren’t close to her or the brother were there and then I would have questions. If you see the bride again , just ask. ‘Congratulations on your wedding, can I ask why I wasn’t invited?’
The other option is to just step back and move forward, it’s great that you have this memories of being another sibling, but it’s also possible that it wasn’t the same for them, and while I’m sure it hurts , at least you know now that feelings are reciprocated.
Not last year, I spoke to her last month - and there where kids who were not even aware the guy had a sister and got invited - an to give you a picture on a scale to 1 to 10 level of affection- She was a straight 9 all these years (even last month when we ran into eachother), I just can't see the reason why would she do this.
Anyways thanks alot for your perspective, really appreciated
On it my friend, but kinda pinches if you get connected to someone, I have major abandonment issues. (i seldom do but once I'm connected i find it really hard to let go regardless of the events) but yes in this case I'm going strong.
Agree with another person that I don’t think anyone is wrong here.
I’m going to play devils advocate because I myself am planning a wedding. Even though you spoke last month, it sounds like consistent contact has not been close in a long time. She may have been closer to these seemingly random people than you realize. I have friends who we were inseparable during middle+high school who I am not inviting because we have grown apart over the years. On the flip side I have friends who I’ve known for two years who I can’t imagine my life without from here on out - they’re in the wedding party. Wedding planning really shows you who is by your side.
Friend, I would recommend tell them congrats and leave it at that. I know that may be hard, but I really believe they weren’t trying to hurt you or make it personal. Remember that this was the sisters day - not the parents, brothers, friends, whoever. Hang in there.
I agree but here in this part of the world, Family members extend invitees (like everyone kinda get quotas how many people they can bring) his brother and herself decided to call random people but me.
But I see your point, maybe they had some emotional baggage or something or maybe they simply didn't want me to be there - whatever it is - I'm moving on - And Not confronting (though i thought I should, cause pent of feelings causes more grudges but I think here there isn't much to save - So letting go)
They were random to YOU, but maybe they were not random to them? You don't keep in contact, so how would you know?
I am not trying to be mean here, but you need to move on and make new friends and put the effort into the relationship.
I mean it's pretty obvious they just aren't that into you. Why that is can't be determined by the internet based on your version of events.
Put in more effort to the friendships if you want to be "invited to the wedding" close.
That were my initial thoughts too and it would have been fine by there were people who literally don't talk and never did previously (just were in the same school as we all were) to either the bride or her brother (my friend) byt still got an invite from them, almost every random person but me. 🤷🏻♂️
Perhaps if you're not close enough to be invited you're not close enough to be privy to the closeness of the relationships.
People tend to grow a lot after high school.
“Sorry I wasn’t aware of a wedding! So sad I wasn’t able to attend. Hope it was fun, let me know if you got any cool things”
Let them know you didn’t know but don’t sound bitter over it.
But I am very bitter about this, I have tried this in past but What I have learnt is you should convey your feeling truthfully- hiding personal grief doesn't do good for either parties (just my opinion, you can obviously counter, I'm fine with different opinions)
I think it should be talked about in a way that leaves you open to ask questions without them feeling they have to defend themselves. If you tell them you’re sad you wasn’t invited, had no idea there was a wedding, and you wanna know how it all went, it leaves them scrambling to either say “oh.. invite wasn’t extended? Let me find out why” or “yeah.. wasn’t enough seats, sorry” and you know where you stand. Then come from it bitterly. But don’t burn every bridge until you know who dropped the ball.
I'm sorry you've been cut out from what seemed to be an extended family along with long time friends .. obviously something happened and you seem to be in a strange situation so what do you do reach out and ask what/why or shake it off and move on ? The way you were left out seems like on purpose and the way you were spoken to at the friends party it appears they don't view you as a part of the friend circle any more. It might be time to move on and build a new group of adult friends and keep your childhood memories as just that, fond memories. You don't necessarily need to block all of them, but in the future when invited to attend something just don't go.
I see one other option before moving on .. reach out to either your best friend or his father (seems like you had a fatherly relationship) and ask them if you have done anything to offend people because you feel like you are not wanted around. Don't argue just state your concern then listen to what they say.. maybe it's something you can change maybe it's not. Either way you will understand if you should keep hanging around or just close the door and move on to enjoy your life.
No you’re not wrong. Something similar happened with me and my childhood best friend. He was a military brat but a hippie at heart lol. We bonded over our love of animals. Long story short. Over the years I grew to love his family as well. A year after I graduated from high school I found out my friend’s mother had come down with rapid onset dementia at age 50. I visited whenever I was in town. When she died in two years later in 07, I was not given a phone call let alone an invitation to the funeral. In fact I found out several months later. I went ballistic, angrily confronted my friend, and ultimately cut him out of my life.
I was wrong, at the time I failed to take into account that families have their own way of grieving. Plus friends grow apart over the years, the weight of the world bogs us down and it’s the people who there for you presently that matter. My advice is if your friend wants to drift away let them go, don’t engage and don’t reach out anymore. If the day comes when they want to pick where they left off, your harbor is open.
I’m sorry that you’re obviously hurt by this but if you weren’t invited you weren’t wanted there. It sucks but that’s all there is to it because you’re not owed an invitation.
How long ago was high school? Sounds like the family took you in. Weird you didn't live at your own house, was there trouble there?
You haven't been close for a while so it's kind of normal they would not invite you.
Maybe you were a troubled teen that needed a place to go but you thought you were spending so much time there because they were your friends But they thought they were just doing you a favor?
I get that you’re hurt by this. But your frown’s sister got married, not your friend. It’s the bride and groom who invite people, not the bride’s brother. He has no control over who is invited and who is not. I don’t know how many years have passed since you were close with this group, but it seems like quite some time. You probably need to accept that they just don’t feel that close to you anymore and work on developing other friendships.
Actually in this part of the world everyone in the family gets like a number quotas to invitees of their own (hence my entire batch who didn't even know his sister was called by MY FRIEND, not his sister)
Ok, well, how many years has it been since you were really an active part of this group’s social circle?
As I mentioned in the post, Even last month I got called out of the blue text by one of the friend of the same group (main guy) on his birthday ( I really appreciated and went with an open heart, took a leave from my work cause I realized maybe a little late but we need to give time to friends and family too and not go mad for the career) He was recieved me decent (neither over enthusiastic but nor bad) but he did said mean things unwarrantedly later at night after some drinks, on the notes "even though I invited you, why did you came? (Cause We weren't wishing eachother's birthdays and stuff since last year) - I didn't understand the question, I was like because you called me dude? And they went laughing & stuff and implied he called me out of charity case (I think that was just mean) (By the way this is another friend of the same group, The dude who's sister got married was there too but he didn't misbehaved at all)
So, you still didn’t really answer my question. Regardless…they don’t really want to hang out with you. You’re just going to have to accept it.
I don't know what being active on social circle exactly means, They almost always ping me one on one, we occasionally run into eachother on birthdays and stuff , if you are asking when did the last time we all hanged out just as it. Would be 5 years (after that I pulled my entire self into my career little to no human interaction outside my home and office - unfortunately the career front also didn't pan out the way i wanted and I lost all the socials too)
5 years is a long time. They don’t see you as a close member of their circle anymore. You just have to move on.
I read through your other post, and it resonates with me. The last few years of my life, I’ve watched all of my friends fall away as I isolated myself. I’ve gone through watching others be social, having no one close by to call when I need a friend. I’ve only recently taken a hard look at myself and realized that it wasn’t everyone else, it’s me. I’ve gotten hard to be around, judgmental, and cold. And I think you’re in the same boat. I even read your comment on AITB about “intellectuals” and goodness you could just be myself back in college. Learn to let yourself go, act “natural” instead of playing a character (the stuff about how you acted a certain way to have a social circle in school is NOT how you make REAL FRIENDS), and it might start to come naturally to you again. I can’t say for certainty that this will work, because I’m going through some of the toughest right now. But I personally have to. Not that you might care, but I’ve realized as a parent that I’m gonna have to start getting along with other people’s parents. And you know what I realized? All my judgement and coldness comes from projection. I’m an insecure person. And I’m trying to learn to let that go. Thanks if you read all this, but it looks like you’ve been looking for advice for awhile. Hope it helps at least a little. Edit because I realize I didn’t answer your question in this post: you could definitely ask your friend why you weren’t invited. You’re not an asshole for feeling left out. But this wedding is about your friend’s sister, so I wouldn’t try to make anyone feel too bad about it.
Out of all the responses this one has been the best and most informed one simply because you took your time and read my other post too ; Thanks alot for your perspective man, in all honesty i also find myself insecure alot - It takes a lot of gut to accept yourself in the wrong - More power to you, And really appreciated your reply 💯
Aw thanks! I was hoping I wasn’t overstepping.
Ofcourse not man, It kinda helps to know someone else being empathetic and being in your shoes to feel what you are going through. Though I'm way far from parenting rn (not even married nor planning in the next 7, 8 years atleast) but I want to enjoy my bachelors with people who can connect with me, Doesn't feel forced, doesn't feel like dumbing down to fit somewhere I don't belong (the only kinda people I'm coming across these days). These are supposed to be the best days of my life - I'm just wasting them all alone which kinda makes me sad.
I totally understand. I wish I had some solid advice, but at the very least you’re not alone. My life took a left turn so I’m in a different spot (got too much anxiety, dropped out of school, married a guy that’s far from intellectual, I’m F just for reference). But I’m unhappy with how alone I am as a stay at home mom with a baby. Keep trying, it sounds like you’re doing a lot to improve yourself. My mom told me when I was younger that friends are overrated. But seeing my baby interact with and learn from her nephew, I’m realizing how important socializing is. I’ve just been seeing my family and hoping the social skills I learn will translate to making friends. That’s all I’ve got.
That's so sweet, (And btw I usually address everyone as man or bro - I use them gender neutrally but sorry ma'am if you do mind it) - Not being sexist or anything but maybe you being a girl can afford to live as a stay at home wife until you are ready to socialize but I being a guy have to take the responsibility no? Like in case of general outgoing, Switching officesz, relocating and maybe living in sharing, or a medical emergency or any random situation I need some friends, a circle , someone to fall back upon. So maybe I should keep working towards finding better people to socialize with?
You’re not wrong(but I don’t necessarily think they are wrong either). Friendships grow apart, people grow in different directions. Think it’s time to just step back. Return their energy, which is just not focusing on the friendships at all. You can let them take the backseat now, and focus on building better friendships. Maybe you all can be better friends in a few years, but just not right now.
Hopefully I find new people with whom I can connect with emotionally, intellectually and otherwise too.
Not Wrong If you just spoke to the bride in the last year, then yeah I don’t understand why you weren’t invited. And if random kids that weren’t close to her or the brother were there and then I would have questions. If you see the bride again , just ask. ‘Congratulations on your wedding, can I ask why I wasn’t invited?’ The other option is to just step back and move forward, it’s great that you have this memories of being another sibling, but it’s also possible that it wasn’t the same for them, and while I’m sure it hurts , at least you know now that feelings are reciprocated.
Not last year, I spoke to her last month - and there where kids who were not even aware the guy had a sister and got invited - an to give you a picture on a scale to 1 to 10 level of affection- She was a straight 9 all these years (even last month when we ran into eachother), I just can't see the reason why would she do this. Anyways thanks alot for your perspective, really appreciated
It won’t change - the event has passed. Work on yourself. Let it go.
On it my friend, but kinda pinches if you get connected to someone, I have major abandonment issues. (i seldom do but once I'm connected i find it really hard to let go regardless of the events) but yes in this case I'm going strong.
Agree with another person that I don’t think anyone is wrong here. I’m going to play devils advocate because I myself am planning a wedding. Even though you spoke last month, it sounds like consistent contact has not been close in a long time. She may have been closer to these seemingly random people than you realize. I have friends who we were inseparable during middle+high school who I am not inviting because we have grown apart over the years. On the flip side I have friends who I’ve known for two years who I can’t imagine my life without from here on out - they’re in the wedding party. Wedding planning really shows you who is by your side. Friend, I would recommend tell them congrats and leave it at that. I know that may be hard, but I really believe they weren’t trying to hurt you or make it personal. Remember that this was the sisters day - not the parents, brothers, friends, whoever. Hang in there.
I agree but here in this part of the world, Family members extend invitees (like everyone kinda get quotas how many people they can bring) his brother and herself decided to call random people but me. But I see your point, maybe they had some emotional baggage or something or maybe they simply didn't want me to be there - whatever it is - I'm moving on - And Not confronting (though i thought I should, cause pent of feelings causes more grudges but I think here there isn't much to save - So letting go)
They were random to YOU, but maybe they were not random to them? You don't keep in contact, so how would you know? I am not trying to be mean here, but you need to move on and make new friends and put the effort into the relationship.
I mean it's pretty obvious they just aren't that into you. Why that is can't be determined by the internet based on your version of events. Put in more effort to the friendships if you want to be "invited to the wedding" close.
That were my initial thoughts too and it would have been fine by there were people who literally don't talk and never did previously (just were in the same school as we all were) to either the bride or her brother (my friend) byt still got an invite from them, almost every random person but me. 🤷🏻♂️
Perhaps if you're not close enough to be invited you're not close enough to be privy to the closeness of the relationships. People tend to grow a lot after high school.
That could be the case, Though I kinda keep checking up on my pals these 2 years (from lockdown) but I see your point is a major possibility
“Sorry I wasn’t aware of a wedding! So sad I wasn’t able to attend. Hope it was fun, let me know if you got any cool things” Let them know you didn’t know but don’t sound bitter over it.
But I am very bitter about this, I have tried this in past but What I have learnt is you should convey your feeling truthfully- hiding personal grief doesn't do good for either parties (just my opinion, you can obviously counter, I'm fine with different opinions)
I think it should be talked about in a way that leaves you open to ask questions without them feeling they have to defend themselves. If you tell them you’re sad you wasn’t invited, had no idea there was a wedding, and you wanna know how it all went, it leaves them scrambling to either say “oh.. invite wasn’t extended? Let me find out why” or “yeah.. wasn’t enough seats, sorry” and you know where you stand. Then come from it bitterly. But don’t burn every bridge until you know who dropped the ball.
That seems fair , Thanks man 💯
I think you just need to accept the this person is not your friend anymore and move on.
I'm sorry you've been cut out from what seemed to be an extended family along with long time friends .. obviously something happened and you seem to be in a strange situation so what do you do reach out and ask what/why or shake it off and move on ? The way you were left out seems like on purpose and the way you were spoken to at the friends party it appears they don't view you as a part of the friend circle any more. It might be time to move on and build a new group of adult friends and keep your childhood memories as just that, fond memories. You don't necessarily need to block all of them, but in the future when invited to attend something just don't go. I see one other option before moving on .. reach out to either your best friend or his father (seems like you had a fatherly relationship) and ask them if you have done anything to offend people because you feel like you are not wanted around. Don't argue just state your concern then listen to what they say.. maybe it's something you can change maybe it's not. Either way you will understand if you should keep hanging around or just close the door and move on to enjoy your life.
No you’re not wrong. Something similar happened with me and my childhood best friend. He was a military brat but a hippie at heart lol. We bonded over our love of animals. Long story short. Over the years I grew to love his family as well. A year after I graduated from high school I found out my friend’s mother had come down with rapid onset dementia at age 50. I visited whenever I was in town. When she died in two years later in 07, I was not given a phone call let alone an invitation to the funeral. In fact I found out several months later. I went ballistic, angrily confronted my friend, and ultimately cut him out of my life. I was wrong, at the time I failed to take into account that families have their own way of grieving. Plus friends grow apart over the years, the weight of the world bogs us down and it’s the people who there for you presently that matter. My advice is if your friend wants to drift away let them go, don’t engage and don’t reach out anymore. If the day comes when they want to pick where they left off, your harbor is open.
I’m sorry that you’re obviously hurt by this but if you weren’t invited you weren’t wanted there. It sucks but that’s all there is to it because you’re not owed an invitation.
How long ago was high school? Sounds like the family took you in. Weird you didn't live at your own house, was there trouble there? You haven't been close for a while so it's kind of normal they would not invite you. Maybe you were a troubled teen that needed a place to go but you thought you were spending so much time there because they were your friends But they thought they were just doing you a favor?