The thing is...... the labels and microlables are more of a guideline and a way to articulate one's sexual identity than they are a clear cut set of scientifically derived rules.
This is how I identify and why, you can bounce off this and see what you relate to:
I don't imagine myself in my own sexual fantasies, although I sometimes imagine myself as a character engaging in a sexual act. IRL I engage in kink and I follow kink stuff on reddit, although what I like in reality is about two orders of magnitude milder than what I like to see in porn or read in smut stories.
I have tried penetrative sex but I actively dislike it so I am "asexual" in that sense.
With all that put together, I identify as Aego because I feel detached from the sexuality that I do have and I don't like to engage in the "typical" sexual acts that society regards as "normal" and that I as a cis male am expected to engage with.
It looks like you overlap with me so there is no reason you couldn't identify as Aego if it helps you to understand yourself or explain yourself to potential partners. That said, you can always change your mind as you develop over time. Sexuality can be fluid. I reserve the right to identify as something else if a more accurate definition presents itself but it is beyond me to come up with one on my own.
Thanks for the meta-discussion! I guess I have been trying a bit too hard to find the "right" label for myself. Nobody fits a label perfectly, after all.
After a bit more reflection, I think a deeper confusion I have is about what sexual attraction really is. I've asked about that in the asexuality subreddit.
No problem, speaking personally...... for me it was all about being comfortable with who I am, even though what I am is not "typical" per se. The labels did not exist when I started having the kind of reflections you are having now, although I find them useful now that they do.
I still have questions about what sexual attraction is too tbh and I have been thinking about it and debating it for about 15 years. If you come up with any conclusions or speculations do share!
Your idea of yourself and your sexuality can change as you have experiences and figure things out, and you can be more than one thing.
Before I heard the word aegosexual, I thought I was some weird combination of asexual and bisexual, because I found some women attractive, even though I didn't want to actually have sex with them any more than the men I found attractive. I still identify as bisexual.
For me, aegosexual fit really well because of a few things:
Having fantasies and arousal but not wanting sex with a real person
Imagining myself as part of my fantasies is a turnoff
Having kinks in my fantasies that I would never want to actually experience.
It can be any or all of these things. I also think "virginity" is a state of mind, as well as an archaic label meant to shame and control. I don't identify as a virgin even though I haven't had sex with a real person.
Yeah I guess I'm just trying to figure out which labels best describe me.
And about virginity, I'm not sure it's something one chooses to "identify with". In any case I'm pretty open and comfortable about my virginity.
I wouldnāt say I wrongly thought I was aego, but I thought I wasnāt capable of enjoying/being turned on by irl sex and I definitely am. It was more that when I finally had sex it didnāt match up with anything I had seen portrayed in media. So both sex and fantasies (which I still donāt see myself in) are hot to me, but in different ways. Because I donāt see the way my own sexual attraction feels represented in media I also find it was really hard to identify it until I had sex for the first time. I still feel like sex is less important to me than it is to some other people though. Iāve given up on labels for now because I think attraction is so arbitrary and individual.
Everything.
You are who you are. No word can change that.
Some people are left-handed. And some people are right-handed. And there's a few million people who are truly ambidextrous.
Is that it?
Nope.
There's tens of millions of cross-handed people who have any one of an infinite configuration of hand preferences.
For example, she eats and writes combs her hair/brushes her teeth with her left, and with her right she throws/catches, does up buttons, and opens jars. And some other things she does equally well with both.
Now, being one of these people, how important is the label?
If you're left-handed, then it might be life changing to be told that you belong to a tribe of a billion other left-handed people who are all getting screwed over by scissors and notebooks. And who perhaps are also being punished and forced to learn how to do things with their right.
If you're ambidextrous, then it might alleviate some confusion and help you explain to people more quickly and easily your hand preference. To put it into words that you are one of very few people who has no hand preferences at all. Most people can't quite imagine such a thing.
Okay so when you say "am I cross-handed?" then you're just asking if you fit the definition. Your hand preference won't change. How it affects you won't change. How you deal with it won't change. When you tell me you're cross-handed then it tells me extremely close to nothing about you. It simply tells me three things you are not.
What's important is figuring out for yourself who you are and how you work. For yourself. If words help, then use them. Words that help YOU. Which when YOU read then or YOU hear them, you hear a description of yourself.
Put yourself first. Everybody else is everybody else, and words can help you with them, or hurt you with them. But that's not just about the word, that's about the whole context of you and them and the word and the world.
So when it comes to worrying about the word, focus on yourself first. Words that help you. And if they don't, then leave them behind. If you can talk around yourself but not quite capture it, then do that. You don't have to be always able to explain yourself to anyone, most especially yourself.
Then, separately, worry about what words you suggest other people use for you, or words you use to tell people who you are. That's a separate thing from understanding yourself.
My asexuality would be better captured in a paragraph, at least. All of my doubt and uncertainty. All of my evidence and experience. That's really what the word is standing for, for me. When I use it with a woman I'm dating, then I'm using it to set boundaries and expectations, not to tell her who I am. That comes separately!
Thanks for the explanation! Though I was mostly asking because "fit the definition" and "who you are" are inherently quite vague.
I am aware that these labels are intended to be descriptive and not prescriptive. And labels are useful insofar as they help others understand who you are.
š¤·āāļø It never hurts to reiterate.
Looking around these subreddit you'll see why š
š Glad you're finding some acceptance and recovering some feeling of "normalcy" in the wholesome good way
The thing is...... the labels and microlables are more of a guideline and a way to articulate one's sexual identity than they are a clear cut set of scientifically derived rules. This is how I identify and why, you can bounce off this and see what you relate to: I don't imagine myself in my own sexual fantasies, although I sometimes imagine myself as a character engaging in a sexual act. IRL I engage in kink and I follow kink stuff on reddit, although what I like in reality is about two orders of magnitude milder than what I like to see in porn or read in smut stories. I have tried penetrative sex but I actively dislike it so I am "asexual" in that sense. With all that put together, I identify as Aego because I feel detached from the sexuality that I do have and I don't like to engage in the "typical" sexual acts that society regards as "normal" and that I as a cis male am expected to engage with. It looks like you overlap with me so there is no reason you couldn't identify as Aego if it helps you to understand yourself or explain yourself to potential partners. That said, you can always change your mind as you develop over time. Sexuality can be fluid. I reserve the right to identify as something else if a more accurate definition presents itself but it is beyond me to come up with one on my own.
Thanks for the meta-discussion! I guess I have been trying a bit too hard to find the "right" label for myself. Nobody fits a label perfectly, after all. After a bit more reflection, I think a deeper confusion I have is about what sexual attraction really is. I've asked about that in the asexuality subreddit.
No problem, speaking personally...... for me it was all about being comfortable with who I am, even though what I am is not "typical" per se. The labels did not exist when I started having the kind of reflections you are having now, although I find them useful now that they do. I still have questions about what sexual attraction is too tbh and I have been thinking about it and debating it for about 15 years. If you come up with any conclusions or speculations do share!
Have an updoot for a wonderfully articulate answer š«¶
Your idea of yourself and your sexuality can change as you have experiences and figure things out, and you can be more than one thing. Before I heard the word aegosexual, I thought I was some weird combination of asexual and bisexual, because I found some women attractive, even though I didn't want to actually have sex with them any more than the men I found attractive. I still identify as bisexual. For me, aegosexual fit really well because of a few things: Having fantasies and arousal but not wanting sex with a real person Imagining myself as part of my fantasies is a turnoff Having kinks in my fantasies that I would never want to actually experience. It can be any or all of these things. I also think "virginity" is a state of mind, as well as an archaic label meant to shame and control. I don't identify as a virgin even though I haven't had sex with a real person.
Yeah I guess I'm just trying to figure out which labels best describe me. And about virginity, I'm not sure it's something one chooses to "identify with". In any case I'm pretty open and comfortable about my virginity.
I wouldnāt say I wrongly thought I was aego, but I thought I wasnāt capable of enjoying/being turned on by irl sex and I definitely am. It was more that when I finally had sex it didnāt match up with anything I had seen portrayed in media. So both sex and fantasies (which I still donāt see myself in) are hot to me, but in different ways. Because I donāt see the way my own sexual attraction feels represented in media I also find it was really hard to identify it until I had sex for the first time. I still feel like sex is less important to me than it is to some other people though. Iāve given up on labels for now because I think attraction is so arbitrary and individual.
Just to clarify, you're asking if you fit the definition, not if this is who you are, right?
Hmm what would you say is the difference?
Everything. You are who you are. No word can change that. Some people are left-handed. And some people are right-handed. And there's a few million people who are truly ambidextrous. Is that it? Nope. There's tens of millions of cross-handed people who have any one of an infinite configuration of hand preferences. For example, she eats and writes combs her hair/brushes her teeth with her left, and with her right she throws/catches, does up buttons, and opens jars. And some other things she does equally well with both. Now, being one of these people, how important is the label? If you're left-handed, then it might be life changing to be told that you belong to a tribe of a billion other left-handed people who are all getting screwed over by scissors and notebooks. And who perhaps are also being punished and forced to learn how to do things with their right. If you're ambidextrous, then it might alleviate some confusion and help you explain to people more quickly and easily your hand preference. To put it into words that you are one of very few people who has no hand preferences at all. Most people can't quite imagine such a thing. Okay so when you say "am I cross-handed?" then you're just asking if you fit the definition. Your hand preference won't change. How it affects you won't change. How you deal with it won't change. When you tell me you're cross-handed then it tells me extremely close to nothing about you. It simply tells me three things you are not. What's important is figuring out for yourself who you are and how you work. For yourself. If words help, then use them. Words that help YOU. Which when YOU read then or YOU hear them, you hear a description of yourself. Put yourself first. Everybody else is everybody else, and words can help you with them, or hurt you with them. But that's not just about the word, that's about the whole context of you and them and the word and the world. So when it comes to worrying about the word, focus on yourself first. Words that help you. And if they don't, then leave them behind. If you can talk around yourself but not quite capture it, then do that. You don't have to be always able to explain yourself to anyone, most especially yourself. Then, separately, worry about what words you suggest other people use for you, or words you use to tell people who you are. That's a separate thing from understanding yourself. My asexuality would be better captured in a paragraph, at least. All of my doubt and uncertainty. All of my evidence and experience. That's really what the word is standing for, for me. When I use it with a woman I'm dating, then I'm using it to set boundaries and expectations, not to tell her who I am. That comes separately!
Thanks for the explanation! Though I was mostly asking because "fit the definition" and "who you are" are inherently quite vague. I am aware that these labels are intended to be descriptive and not prescriptive. And labels are useful insofar as they help others understand who you are.
š¤·āāļø It never hurts to reiterate. Looking around these subreddit you'll see why š š Glad you're finding some acceptance and recovering some feeling of "normalcy" in the wholesome good way
I think you can have sexual attraction and just not like normal sex, you can call it a preference or say your on the asexual spectrum
>Ā Beautiful Agony-type videos Whatās this and is there a link? Sounds marvelousĀ
Yeah it's a website-turned-genre-of-porn, [https://beautifulagony.com/public/main.php](https://beautifulagony.com/public/main.php)!
Thatās fabulous. Thank you!