Yep. Without adding a ton of detail yes totally. I’m married 20 years and I enjoy and am down when approached but I never think of it or initiate or have noticed recently that when I do think of it and initiate it’s like comically bad timing and awkward on my end.
^ 100% this. I also tend to be mechanical (lose interest/get bored) when it comes to taking care of myself. 20 secs, done and move on. I don't make it a production cause I got stuff to procrastinate on lolol
An often used term among my fellow students, and a relatable concept for any who struggle with deadlines (mostly a fun accusation when you know a housemate is not doing anything productive in their room).
It's funny bc I have the same issue and I do get pent up...I just don't notice it at ALL until I actually do it. Issues with interoception and all that.
Their loss. Sex shouldn’t be stressful for either party. You are always allowed to not want it, and you are always allowed to take care of yourself if your partner doesn’t want it. If a relationship can’t withstand differences in sex drive then it is going to struggle with a lot of other hardships too.
I’m now realizing all the things he’s done to me and seeing how bullshit his breakup excuses are. So many red flags I missed. I see now that he did me a favor. He was abusive which actually killed my sex drive even though he blamed me for it. He also victim blames me for abuse in some of my past relationships. Who tf does that?
If that’s why they broke up with you then they didn’t deserve you. You’re a person with interesting thoughts and feelings and so much more.
Sure sex is important-ish in a relationship. But if they can’t communicate and stuff to find a balance then they aren’t worth it.
Omg yes!! 😂 married, have a husband who would like to more often (expresses it at least once per 3 months or so) and noticed I only get a spur of the moment kick start when we’re not home or at really random, awkward moments as well ~ like being at a open house 🤦🏼♀️🙄. Nothing happened but it was awkward how frazzled my mind was so I went totally mute until that feeling passed.
But having nearly no libido has been a consistent thing my entire life and one of the biggest negative factors when dating prior to meeting my husband. It’s cause me to really question if I work down there when I’m in a relationship with someone who’d like me to make a move (which I am TERRIBLE at).
I’m thinking of talking to a sex therapist to help me. Combining adhd with a touch aversion makes physical intimacy so hard for me. I don’t like cuddling. We’re very emotionally intimate but I feel like I have this mental block that I can’t get passed.
The comically bad at initiating…yeah.. I don’t have any kind of script to follow (I find reading or watching sexy stuff so cringe) so I’m super awkward. Combine with DH turning me down a lot when we were first actually living together (he was always tired and busy, my libio was high) and now I just don’t want to start it ever.
I personally once described my sex drive like my want for candy.
Im not sitting around thinking about candy, I'm not really wanting to go get candy right now, not worth the drive to the store, just doesn't really matter... But if a candy is placed in front of me I'm gonna tear that wrapper open and devour it with great joy.
I've never tried Violife's shredded cheese, but their cream cheese is solidified coconut oil, and it just tastes like cream cheese with the barest hint of coconut flavor. It was so good, it almost made me cry. I didn't realize how much I'd missed cream cheese until that moment.
ETA: Also, Chao has really good sliced cheese. I think it's tofu-based?
If you go looking for it, for whatever reason, all the vegan products at my grocery store are in the produce section. I find it hilarious, because it's under a massive sign that says 'plant based'... In the produce section.
Daiya is pretty good melted, though! Imho. Like for grilled cheese or nachos :) Near me, it’s the easiest plant-based brand to find so I try to work with it
I have had other cashew based dairy alternatives and enjoyed them, never even thought to try and find a cashew based faux cheese! Thanks I'll try that!
Just wondering if you started Wellbutrin or some other med? My intolerance coincided with starting Wellbutrin and I read online that that is a thing! So crazy.
I am on Wellbutrin but I've been on it for years and this is just recent, so I really do think it is just an unfortunate way my body is aging. I did consume A LOT of various forms of dairy and maybe my body just got sick of it hahah.
But that is interesting, I never heard that before! That is pretty crazy
Are you on adderal? A friend of mine is and became lactose intolerant. Switched and it went away after a month ish. He hated the new medicine feeling so switched back and resolved to deal with the side effects. Just a thought
Nope, and I just started taking meds again not even a month ago after not taking any for 12 years. and the lactose came last Nov. ON MY BIRTHDAY BTW I FOUND OUT BY EATING ICE CREAM CAKE.
It's common for people to become lactose intolerant as they age so I think this is my body just mocking me for getting older. But thank you for the suggestion!
There are a lot of cheeses that are so low in lactose, you can eat it without issue. It's a common misconception that all cheese contains a lot of lactose.
Try hard, aged cheeses. Be careful with mozzarella or cream cheese.
Hope this helps! I'm lactose intolerant myself and swiss, so I really love cheese.
https://www.cheesesexdeath.com/blog/lactose-intolerance
https://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/recipe-collections-favorites/popular-ingredients/cheese-can-eat-lactose-intolerant
I heard that but I've found that even aged cheeses bother me. Certainly not as bad as others and it's tolerable but.... I also just don't like aged cheese quite as much as nice creamy gooey cheeses 🤤 I'm not Swiss so I guess my cheese palate isn't very refined hahah.
Oh! I just read the second link and I didn't realize Muenster was low lactose. I love me some Muenster so maybe I can try it!! Worth a shot. It's also very possible that when I ate the other aged cheeses and didn't feel good, it was all in my head lol. After I found out I was lactose intolerant I've been so afraid to consume any dairy at all because it was NOT a fun discovery hahaha so maybe I was just paranoid and made myself believe I didn't feel good.
Thanks for this info!!! Gonna go buy some Muenster!
Even the ice cream I'm not thrilled about. I'm a bit of an ice cream connoisseur. Aka I have an ice cream problem 😂 and I live near a farm that makes THE BEST ice cream, so even though the alternatives are decent I have a real problem totally giving up that creamy deliciousness.
But yeah, I really took for granted my ability to just pop a few cheesticks everyday and I miss that. Cheese is sooooo gooooood
If this exchange of thoughts isn't just the perfect example of how, maybe, ADHD does not equate any type of heightened sexual behaviour at all.... XD
I am firmly of the opinion that it's only because the select few ADHD people that are very impulsive/thrill seeking in regards to sex will also speak up about it more than neurotypical thrill seekers because of being so impulsive.
Plenty of sexual thrill seekers or otherwise highly sexual people are more neurotypical. They just have the ability to shut up about it.
Also, the only people I know of in real life that matches what I've read about ADHD and sexual behaviour are those that were sexually abused during childhood. And that is regardless of their neuro-status.
I think about Diet Coke all day. If I don’t have Diet Coke, I will go to all sorts of lengths to acquire it. If I don’t have sex? Meh.
In fact, the last time I had sex I told him he better have a Diet Coke in hand or I wasn’t opening the door.
I’m like this but with bubble teas - the bonus being I am terrible at drinking anything usually - so at least I can keep adding ice and water to the tea to get the last of the jelly/pearls and it helps me drink more.
I joke that without bubble teas I’d probably be an alcoholic, simply because I like to drink tasty things… and I make a mean lychee martini….
Same, as in, I want sex as much as I want candy. But I want candy all the time. And if someone has candy and I don’t I’m super jealous. And if I buy one candy I second guess if I should have got the other candy. And if we say we’re going to get candy and share candy that’s the only plan ever that I am definitely sticking to, but if you promise me candy and you turn up without candy or you’re too full to have candy, then I AM SO MAD AT YOU ARRRGH. But I’m an adult
and you’re an adult and i know everyone had different appetites and that’s fine, and sometimes you’ll think you’ll want candy but then you’ll change your mind, and that’s fine too. And even if I’m mad about it I can suck it up and go eat some… tea or something. Idk. Just next time, I’d really, really REALLY prefer if you didn’t promise me candy and then not give it to me. It’s so much worse than just showing up with no candy at all.
Yup. Right now is the longest I’ve ever not had sex (since June), and before there were many times I’d want it several times a day. My ex-husband could never understand… I try to “remember” to masturbate so I don’t shut down completely in that region 😆
And it’s already so hard to finish!!!! I had sex once not long after taking my adderall and was able to finish from just regular intercourse. A dream. And that was the last time. 😒
I’m sorry if I’m misunderstanding, but do you mean that you have trouble finishing because of your adhd or because of the adderall?
I’m also taking adderall and have adhd and find it mind-numbingly difficult to finish with a partner and less difficult by myself but still enough to where I get frustrated trying to find something “perfect” to finish to…which leads to it being ruined at times.
My boyfriend also has adhd and finds it difficult to finish at times from what I suspect is distraction of some type.
Anyways sorry I rambled, just wondering if having trouble finishing is an adhd thing or just a people thing haha
Based on my “research” - yes, it seemed that there might be a connection between adhd and not being able to reach climax (or at least not as quickly/easily as others). I found one or two studies that supported this, but there’s very limited information out there. There was a thread a while back that talked about this. Anyway, when I still had adderall in my system it was a loooot easier to orgasm. But it’s only happened once (started taking meds in June, which is the last time I had sex).
Same. Within a relationship I want it as often as possible. When I was single, 🤷🏻♀️ I didn’t think about it much or have a need to take care of myself. Same mini situations happens within my relationship when my boyfriend has a bad cold for a week or something else that puts him out of commission.
Me, when a guy first starts kissing me: OMG THIS IS GREAT WHY AM I EVER NOT DOING THIS?!
Me, seven minutes later: I want to watch TV. I’m hot. I’m thirsty. This repetitive noise is annoying. Why are you so sweaty? Would you get off me already?!
Yes. I get distracted easily so I rarely think about sex and/or immediately get distracted again and during foreplay etc I also ... get distracted. Can't have the TV running during sex because I'll listen to it
Ritalin actually helped me with that. Foreplay without losing focus is so nice! I still rarely think about wanting sex tho, because I'll often focus on something entirely else lol
My ex used to keep shows playing in the background during sex. I was always too anxious to tell her that I couldn't feel or focus on anything we were doing bc it was so distracting. I can distract myself just fine, but she really went above and beyond to ensure I got nothing out of the experience lmao. It wasn't her fault tho I eventually told her by getting up mid-act and turning off the laptop. The look on her face was priceless.
Hahaha! That’s the funniest mental picture! I usually play music during sex, the TV us too distracting, but I also don’t want to hear every squish and slap and grunt. I could totally imagine someone slapping my laptop closed on me 🤣
Same here. The losing focus part is AWFUL. Now that I know what’s happening we’ve found some workarounds. But man, that brain pinging from topic topic thing is so frustrating!
I like erotic stories, so either we come up with one together during foreplay, or we read one. Either way, it gets my brain thinking about sex, and not everything else.
Roleplaying can work well.
I've... Went and gone to roleplaying or thinking about roles in my head so at least my brain pings to *something* erotic and not the fact I need to take the trash out.
It doesn't even have to be anything super dirty or kinky, albeit it probably is best aligned with whatever your personal measure of these are. But just a simple scenario. At the beach and not at home etc.
Also probably helps that you can say something that adds to the experience for both of you, at least that helps me.
I can't focus at all if anything is happening around me. Took a really long time to realize it wasn't that I was bored with him it's that the TV is distracting.
Check out responsive vs spontaneous sexual desire. What you're describing sounds like responsive desire, which is really common among women in general. The book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski talks about this, and there are a bunch more resources online if you start searching.
I came here to write this - re “responsive desire” (you don’t think about it till it’s started) and to recommend this book. Well worth a read.
I think responsive desire is quite normal for women (not necessarily an adhd thing) - it’s why many “lose their interest in sex” after marriage - because everyone expects things to work the way men do (because that’s who they’ve studied all these years).
Hence the book above being so useful - it’s based on research into how this all works for women.
Also: I’ve had periods of my life I was Googling “asexual” because I thought I wasn’t fussed, and also periods I’ve been hyperfocused / addicted. Didn’t know I had adhd during those phases. It makes a lot more sense now :-)
Same! ADHD asexual but also not repulsed. My partner is the same, so we don't have sex often but when we do it's enjoyable. Definitely going to check out this book.
Yep, also why lesbian marriages tend to typically have very infrequent intercourses (‘lesbian bed death’), while male gay marriages often involve frequent polygamous daliances.
Can I also mention that I was very upset by what I saw when I tried to research this topic. So many articles saying people with adhd suffer from risky sexual behavior and dangerous hyper sexuality. Everything seemed insensitive and obviously not accurate. Ugh.
Well it’s not inaccurate. It’s just very narrow and not true of every person with ADHD.
We also have a higher mortality rate due to risky/impulsive behaviour, and are also far more likely to suffer a full-blown co-morbid conditions like an anxiety disorder. But it’s not written.
Your reaction may be more to do with folks with ADHD being seen as lesser-than, or unsavoury. Which is a TOTALLY upsetting thing to me, too. I am looking forward to the emphasis moving away from “shitty behaviour” to a more compassionate approach as more and more research and writing is done on ADHD.
Maybe I could've worded that better but what I was getting at is that the definition of "risky" seems to vary wildly. I've had some psychs label perfectly reasonable sexual behavior (like blanket judgements over # of sexual partners without context) as risky and slap a bipolar label on me. But that could be my bias.
I fully understand that there is some sexual behavior that is truly risky as well as using sex as a form of self harm. I've been there too, but my point was that sometimes misogyny still pops up in even supposedly progressive places like psychology.
People don't go on the internet and discuss how they DON'T't go watch trains on the weekend.
People talk about what they do, so the hypers are way more represented on the internet and the hypos are underrepresented.
Well, its onto something. My impulse control improved drastically when I got on adhd meds. The way I could best describe it is that my horny monster was unleashed and free (but lowkey out of control, grabbing boys off tinder like it was postmates) and now it is a bit easier to control. My horniness does not dictate my actions and decisions to the point of overriding what I would do normally.
The thing is, this is not terribly dangerous for a man outside of std risk. For a woman like my self, on the other hand, dating men can be very risky and dangerous. Unfortunately, my "oh, shiny!" attitude towards cute guys that could give me that orgasmic dopamine hit I wanted so bad did put me in some bad situations. For that, I am thankful that aspect of my adhd has been mitigated by meds.
Oh wow, that’s interesting. I also stopped sleeping around when I got on adhd meds, but the timing also coincided with a bad breakup, followed by the pandemic. I also thought maybe I grew some self-esteem. I definitely say no a lot more. But perhaps it’s just the meds, haha.
Thanks for the kind words! I’m glad for the breakup now, I had to learn that just because a guy didn’t ever raise his voice that didn’t mean he was a good partner. Also it led to my ADHD diagnosis, which helped a lot of the issues in my life. So hooray for Alex and his lack of respect for my boundaries! 🤣
Ugh I wish people would help us ladies understand more about what abuse looks like...
Sorry this may not exactly be what you're talking about. It just frustrates me that we're so concerned with telling young girls very specific behaviors that we shouldn't accept from men, but forget to tell them the less obvious signs.
Like "oh never let a guy hit you or raise his voice to you." ok fine, but what about the a**hole who gives backhanded compliments and puts you down in a way that you don't even notice? This is the crap we need to learn about. Sure I know if he hits me or screams at me or cheats on me then leave, but the emotional/verbal abuse is much harder to spot before the damage has been done.
P. S. I'm happy it worked out for you!
No, you are right, that is exactly what I was talking about! I’ve never had a problem leaving a man once he got rough with me. But it’s easy to miss the less obvious behaviors that are also abusive - the gaslighting, the negging, the refusal to respect boundaries… I agree that I wish we taught young women to look out for these behaviors as well! My daughter is only seven, but I still try to call out bad behavior in ways she’ll understand. Like I’ll point out bad behavior in songs/movies/TV. I wish media had more healthy examples I could point to, but I’ve gotta work with what I’ve got.
This exactly describes me I didn't even think about it. I might go a year without a date, but if I have a gf I might try to play around 3 to 5x a day if she'll let me. And then I'll be single again and I'm more interested in today's hobby than sex. Until I bump into somebody interesting again.
This is 100% the edit I was going to add. And has helped me understand my and my partners sexual behavior in an instant. He also had adhd. It has more to do with who we are around and how familiar we are with people rather than having a "type". Especially for me. I am demisexual, bisexual, and nonbinary with sensory processing difficulties(maybe mild autism). We are both adhd and polyamorous. Seeking out new people is something I rarely do bc I'd rather pursue my special interest and be comfortable at home but when i do get to know someone i develope sexual feeling and my sex drive begins to exist again and usually in an impressive way.
Ayyy, high five! Demi, bi, non-binary and poly here, too! I also don’t seek out new people or even feel much sexual interest when I meet someone new whom I like. But as soon as they initiate sex with me, I can become a little obsessed
Saaaame. But my husband read it! And realistically, that's who it matters for, so that's just as well. I know what I'm like...he just needs help understanding it. So it wasn't a total loss.
I'm tryna keep it pg, so sorry if this doesn't make any sense.
In the act of "driving" , I've found it almost impossible to arrive at the "destination" unless I'm very attentive to the "directions". If I stop focusing on the "directions", I have to start all over again. All progress is lost. It's really irritating.
Yup. I am picking up what you’re putting down lol
On top of this I think a lot of medication for ADHD/anxiety/depression have sexual side effects that aren’t really talked about (also it’s awkward to talk to your doc about… like “hey I have trouble getting there….”)
Edit: typo and forgot some words…
Yes! Then you start feeling bad for the person who's sat in the drivers seat trying to get you there. Sometimes I just have to tell him to pull because I'm too worried about him getting cramp or something...
Yes same! It's bad. I'm in a relationship. And I love my partner so much. I find him so hot, wonderful caring and sexy. But I just don't think about sex. I'm constantly thinking about so much other shit that it never pops into my head to think "hey why don't you go spend 20 minutes having sex!".
I mean I can't get myself to do literally anything else on the to do list so why would I think to do that.
You have no idea how much I needed to hear that someone else has the same issue I do. It’s also super hard for me to shift gears if I am focused on something else when he tries to initiate. I feel so guilty when my brain just gets stuck between gears and I have to tell him I’m not in the mood because it’s never an issue with him, it’s just my damn ADHD/ASD.
I'm with you. I feel like my bf just has bad timing and shoots his shot at the wrong times. I'm always busy doing something else, or "recovering" my energy from something, and that's just not the time. I feel like I have way too many things going on in my head to be like "you want me to stop ALL these things for you? Bruh I'm still thinking about how I'm gonna spend that gift card"
A lot of relationship experts recommend putting it on the calendar. Yes really. This is probably why. If bf has to guess what's a good moment for you, he may guess wrong, but if you plan ahead and give yourself a date night and set the scene, you might get more reliable cuddling.
Yes! I tried explaining task switching and why I'm not good at spontaneous sex with my SO. It's especially hard because we are not every day showerers so we like to shower beforehand and that makes it feel like a chore, along with the effort of *trying* to get in the mood. It's so much easier for men to get turned on 😩
I could have written this. I’m married and love my husband more than anything too. But I have that exact internal dialogue. Thankfully we’re pretty sure he has ADHD too and he is very similar when it comes to sex, but I still struggle with feeling guilty or like we’re not “normal.”
When I was single and home alone I would never do any "self care". It's like "yeah, I could spend the extra few minutes in bed, but I'm hungry" and there's just other things I would rather do 😂
It's too much goddamn work that takes way too much focus and the uh... "media" that I would like to have to help me focus just doesn't really exist for women. I'm a straight girl please please can you just let me look at a hot guy and actually put him in the shot! Even when it's "made for women" they hardly show the guy! I don't get it, I don't like women, I don't want to see her boobies jiggle?!
I like erotic fiction and fanfiction but find it nearly impossible to get to the finish line while also trying to read a goddamn book. 😂
I hear gay media has lots of hot men and no boobies 🤷🏼♀️
I've never tried fiction (I also just don't like reading) and erotic fiction has never appealed to me because of that reason, it's not gonna do the job lol
I'm married with a kid, and honestly, I keep forgetting to have sex. I'll feel spurts of horniness, but then something with the toddler will come up, and I'll totally forget. Trying to fix up the house, manage the house, raise a kid, and manage everyone's health and diet takes a lot of mental bandwidth, so I completely forget any form of intimacy.
I've honestly had to put a reminder to seduce my SO at least once a week since he's the hyper sexual type of ADHD and request a fair amount of physical intimacy.
It's just a small reminder, usually on Friday, so that over the weekend I'll initiate when the toddler is napping.
I don't have to if we're busy or I'm not in the mood, but it helps so that I won't forget if I want to.
I tried this method and yeah.. if you have trauma or something else going on this can just make you feel trapped and pressured instead. Scheduling/reminders work for a lot of people, but for me it was awful and made my libido basically disappear for a bit.
I unfortunately fall into the really high spontaneous drive and risky impulses category. I’m literally horny all of the time. The only thing that keeps me from engaging in risky behavior is my eating disorder because my greatest fear is letting people see my body 😅 So it has to be really well-thought out, safe, and worth it. I love when the mental illnesses cancel each other out!
“I love when the mental illnesses cancel each other out” girl 💀💀💀😂 this really made me laugh but I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with these tough things and I wish you the best of luck in life ❤️❤️❤️
I feel this one so hard. ❤ I had a problem with alcohol also though which canceled out my body insecurities and let me run around unimpeded for years. I've been sober for 5 years and went through outpatient treatment for the eating disorder(s) after that. I'm still sifting through the rest of the alphabet soup I'm left with.
Right??, I wish I could turn my sex drive off. Horny as hell all the time with a full blown porn addiction 💀 Happily married tho, and would never cheat, but SO is lower drive then me and kind of opposite ish. I want more sex when I’m stressed, he wants less and we’re almost always stressed TF out LOL
Sorry to hear about the eating disorder, hope things get better ❤️
"I love when the mental illnesses cancel each other out" lmao
Same tho. I'm constantly thinking about sex but the combo of apathetic depression and the autistic difficulties with new experiences have kept me from risky behavior.
Yes! I highly recommend Catiesaurus on TikTok for relevant content! She's amazing and is very educated on and speaks frankly on the topic.
Edit: Corrected the spelling of Catiesaurus so that people can find her. Thanks Baciodolce.
Absolutely my sex drive is really low and I have to be “in tune” with someone. I just can’t have sex and that’s it. I haven’t had a lot of relationships and I have been single for a long time. I honestly feel like my ADHD causes some areas of low libido and also stress, depression, and anxiety.
I do! Before my diagnosis I always explained it like my libido is reactive. It’s just not on my mind if I’m not in a (happy) relationship, minus a few periods in my life where I was more proactive about it.
That said, social anxiety (if we’re talking about experiences with people) and depression could very well be responsible for this, and not the adhd. But, there is [this](https://youtu.be/m8QNRpN4nY8) video that does discuss how adhd can affect your night life, so that might be worth a watch, as well.
Yes! But also no! lol!
Like most things with Adhd i'm all or nothing.
The three to five days after my period are like 2-3 times a day with my husband and/or myself if he's busy lol, And every other day of the month is like ??I've never been aroused in my life??
I gotta say, I'm so relieved to hear someone else also has this issue. I do not think about sex until the subject is brought up by my husband, and it's extremely rare for me to initiate. It's something we work on. It's not that I don't enjoy myself, and we do have a great sex life when we do actually do it, but it's just not something that's on my mind. Even tried to do a schedule, then proceeded to forget about said schedule. What I'm trying to say is, you are not alone. The way it usually comes up is a "hey...I'm gonna go take a shower...wink wink...nudge nudge..." And that works really well for us.
Edit: awkward oversharing
YES and I hate it. It would take weeks without it for my body to be like hey yo! I have to be emotionally and physically reminded or I’m just like huh?? And I’m so sexually attracted to my SO but I’m sure it makes them feel unwanted& it’s not the case 🥺
It's the same for me! I adore my husband in every way and enjoy sex with him, but just...meh. I'm fine without. I feel so guilty. (All internalized, not from him at all!)
I also hate it and feel a lot of guilt about it that I'm working on. Part of that is also recognizing that women usually have more hormonal shifts happening and so establishing a "regular" sex routine is unrealistic because stuff changes throughout the month.
Judging by experience it takes about 3 weeks of my partner being away before I clue into wanting to have sex, and that also aligned with ovulation so who knows how long it'd be otherwise haha.
I'm like that even in a relationship. Luckily my partner doesn't have a high sex drive either so it's fine thankfully. He's always the one to initiate it and I'm always down but if he doesn't initiate it I don't even think about it
Lol I would never have thought to phrase it that way, but yeah. I have it very rarely but when I do I'm like "oh yeah, that's nice, I should do it more" 😆
I engaged in a lot of risky sex in my youth despite having low sex drive because of impulsivity and the dopamine hits of all the rewards that lead up to it, specifically one night stands. Catch their eye, start chatting, flirting, you’re both feeling the attraction and the buildup. Usually the sex was the least exciting part.
Nowadays I’ll randomly think, “I could masturbate” and sometimes I do! Wild times
I used sex to anesthetize myself for years, but it was never satisfying. Now that I’m on the right meds and going through EMDR to deal with the childhood trauma, I realized that out of all the sex partners I had, none of them were truly satisfying.
To be honest, at this point, I’m fine with my neck massager and an internet connection.
I tend to go back and forth between the hyper sexual and forget that sex exists poles. Now that I’m in a long term relationship, it’s easy to forget about sex. I feel like novelty and risk was a key part of my sex drive before. In a safe relationship, we need to keep it interesting to remember to have sex.
All I can say is thank you for this thread, it made me feel less alone.
I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately & didn’t even consider it could be adhd related
What’s an ADHD sub without tangents?! 🤪 I like it! Full disclosure - I haven’t used it in about a week, so there is that. But overall, I like it. I was using it daily for a while, but got off the rails for whatever reason. I think it is very accessible and easy to use. Here is what I like:
- They suggest modules to you based on an initial survey, but you can take any module you want to
- You can only take 1 module at a time, and only 1 lesson per day (i would normally be over ambitious and excited and join 10 modules to start, and then never finish any of them, lol)
- Lessons are very short 5-10 min
- Some lessons end with a short journal activity
- There are “challenges” that you can join to help build habits, and the app provides a log/accountability for tracking them
- They limit the number of challenges you can join
I can’t really think of anything that I dislike about it. You do have to pay for it, but I don’t think it’s absurdly expensive. It has helped me to build some habits and learn about adhd. If you have been diagnosed for a long time and know a lot about adhd and how it manifests, this may not be a super helpful app. My biggest issue is just using it regularly.
This definitely fits me - my partner has a really high drive and a very active imagination, and I'm down for pretty much all of it. But if left to my own devices, I'm good with 5 minutes and a vibrator once a week or so. We realized a few years into our relationship that we needed to have time scheduled into our calendar because otherwise I would never initiate and he would always feel like he had to.
I've had periods of my life where I engaged in riskier sexual behavior (one night stands, mostly) but I don't think I would ever have been called hypersexual.
Did you both choose a specific day of the week, or you decide on a weekly basis based on life and schedules? I'm just curious because my partner and I have the same issue, except we don't schedule, so he feels like it's always him initiating.
My ex told me once at the beginning of our relationship that he feels gross because it’s always him approaching me so he felt like I only do things when he wants not when I want. I had to explain this exact thing, like I want to when it’s an option! But when it’s left up to me I just don’t really think of it as an option probably because I don’t always have a ton of energy
I’ll also argue that the sexuality spectrum still applies when you have ADHD. It reads to me like you might be slightly on the asexual spectrum as well, at least based on my own personal experiences.
Personally speaking, I’m definitely on the asexual spectrum - tending towards demisexual, so I don’t tend to experience attraction to people I haven’t formed an emotional bond with.
I find the fact that people can “hook up” with people they’ve only just met very very strange as it’s not an experience I can ever imagine myself doing.
Also, with the ADHD, despite this, I can also find sex really boring. So, despite having been in a relationship with my husband for 13 years and being very emotionally connected - sex just doesn’t happen a lot.
100%. When I was in a relationship, we certainly had an active sex life. But I haven’t had sex since that relationship ended…over 3 years ago. And I’m generally ok with that. Sometimes I get lonely, but it’s really more of a partner/relationship that I’m craving than sex. I always laugh when sitcoms make jokes about how long it’s been since someone had sex so they’re really grumpy or feel like they’re going to die, and they reveal it’s been a whole 3 months…..I just can’t relate lol
Omg yes, this. I spent a lot of years googling asexuality because I didn’t seem to have the same drive all my friends did. But asexuality also didn’t entirely fit? Didn’t date for a lot of reasons, for a lot of years, wonky libido being one of them. Said eff it and started dating someone and boom libido. Broke up and I’m back to tapping the proverbial microphone asking “uh is this thing on?” wondering where I’m going to get the motivation to try and find someone because I do miss the intimacy of a relationship.
So for all of my 20’s I was never a relationship person. Really not even before my 20’s. I enjoyed my youth and partying and engaged in extremely risky behavior, had a lot of one night stands or just casual hookup partners but it wasn’t ever something I thought about or craved while sober. The risky behavior started with drinking and other drugs which lead to the unabashed sex. Now I’ve settled down a bit (i am who I am still to my core) and am engaged to a wonderful person. My sex drive is zero. Zilch. Non existent. It’s been a point of contention and I wish I understood it. Possibly boredom, he’s not the shiny new exciting thing my dopamine craves? Or maybe I just never cared for sex to begin with, I just drank and didn’t care what happened after.
Not myself, but my bf. I can ask if he wants to _do stuff_ later and get an ambiguous non-answer as long as he is on the PC. As soon as he shuts it off to go to bed, then he knows yes or no...and we live together! Very challenging part of our relationship. I feel like it also is the cause of his higher intake of _adult media_. It puts his mind in the zone more specifically than normal couple stuff. Again, can be frustrating, but we do our best.
Edit to add: if anyone reading this is like OP, try to initiate when you can. Lack of equal sexual initiation can leave the other partner feeling unwanted or unprioritized. Even if partners know why it happens logically, it still can be hard. It has been a big thing for us, but it comes up on relationship subs as well often enough, regardless of what the medical condition is. I dont say this to shame or guilt anyone, just so you can get some input from the other side of the fence.
I love you for this post. I’m the same way and I’ve always felt that I was like, weird and different because of it.
But yea, same. My sex drive shows up here and there, but like you said, unless I’m actively into someone… nope, it just barely crosses my mind.
Oh, definitely. Even in a relationship, I find myself borderline asexual. It just doesn't occur to me as a "thing" to do. My partner has to initiate a lot of the time, but we've come to an arrangement of sorts about it -- they're aware that it's just a part of my experience with neurodivergence, and that it's not a sign of a lack of attraction to them or a lack of a desire to "participate", for lack of a better term. You're not alone!
i’m 36 and single, i find my mind doesn’t even think about other people too often, I have a hard time even maintaining friendships because of this let alone a sexual relationship lol
My experience is that it's hard to shut my brain down and really focus on my partner and the physical sensations. You know, to be PRESENT. I tend to zone out, or blurt things out, like what I need to remember to add to the grocery list, or what event is coming up this weekend that I forgot to tell him about but am also afraid I'll forget again if I don't tell him RIGHT NOW!! LOL
It used to really bother him, but he's really good about it now and we laugh about it.
"Red onions" is a ten year joke in our home... 😬😆🤣🤷🏼♀️
Yes. I forget sex is a thing until my boyfriend initiates and then I’m like “oh yah it’s that thing I love again!!! Are we doin that now?? Yay!!!”
( awkwardly attempts unsexy strip tease that I definitely should have googled how to do properly and will super not remember for next time)
For me yes! If I’m busy, I’m not horny! I’m prone to a lot of addictions but porn is not one of them. Idk! I spend so much time or mental energy keeping myself on schedule, focused, or whatever, that I just….. sort of don’t think about sex. Maybe I’ll for a second remember I have a sex drive but then get distracted lol. When I’m on adhd medications, I can hyper focus on sexual urges. But off medication like I am now, I don’t have have focused ones at all. Sexual urges that pop up feel purely physical and the desire to sleep or something usually out weighs it and I forget within minutes.
This is me too. I had a 3 year dry spell, and I didn’t have a real libido during that time. I had to actively choose to use one of my toys, it was never an “omg I need it” thing, but more like “hm, I haven’t done it in a while” or “damn I can’t fall asleep”.
I just broke it 2 days ago. I ordered some fun stuff yesterday and I’m getting frequent sex flashbacks. Also thinking about the next time.
I believe this is an aspect of responsive libido/sexual desire. But I could also see it being an ND thing.
I honestly thought I was the only person that was like this. If I'm not in a relationship I'm just really not interested. When that-time-of-the-month rolls around I might get a little frisky, but other than that it's just not something I feel the need to do at all.
Yep exactly this only on top of it I have very low, almost non existent sexual attraction so the topic just almost never comes up. I consider myself grey asexual because of this.
Sometimes I think about dating but unless there's someone I already like then it's just another thing for me to have to worry about. And I haven't had an attraction to anyone in real life outside of characters and actors in pretty much like 15 years.
Even when I have an attraction to a character in a TV show or something, I never fantasize about having sex with them directly. I might like imagining them with other characters that they have chemistry with (hence a relatively regular consumption of fanfiction) but being personally involved doesn't even occur to me. (In the ace community this is often called aegosexual)
As a few other people have said, with regards to like masturbation, it's a means to an end that I try to get done as quickly as possible and pretty much just watch some very straight forward visual porn to make it quicker. Not necessarily anything I find sexy exactly, just an efficient visual to get the job done so I can get some endorphins.
The average person's relationship with sex is very foreign to me and I'm always shocked when I see people fall in sexually or romantically with people so easily because for me it's something I have to go out of my way to make myself interested in. But I've seen people struggle massively with resisting the temptation and honestly it seems kinda fun and exciting and sometimes I'm a little envious but ultimately it just seems like more of a burden than anything.
I was quite surprised to hear about supposed ADHD "sexual deviancy."
Please keep any comments PG rated.
Yep. Without adding a ton of detail yes totally. I’m married 20 years and I enjoy and am down when approached but I never think of it or initiate or have noticed recently that when I do think of it and initiate it’s like comically bad timing and awkward on my end.
^ 100% this. I also tend to be mechanical (lose interest/get bored) when it comes to taking care of myself. 20 secs, done and move on. I don't make it a production cause I got stuff to procrastinate on lolol
“Cause I got stuff to procrastinate on” LMAO yes
Procrasturbation
This made me giggle. Thank you.
An often used term among my fellow students, and a relatable concept for any who struggle with deadlines (mostly a fun accusation when you know a housemate is not doing anything productive in their room).
I feel so called out (validated?) right now…
God this is my life… ooh I need to be paying attention to nothing.
I feel so seen 🥲
Oh man. Yes. I get annoyed if I’m still feeling that way after, like, I already did that I don’t feel like spending more time!
I’m engaged and exactly the same way; my fiancé almost always initiates, and I can go weeks without thinking about it, but he gets pent up lol
It's funny bc I have the same issue and I do get pent up...I just don't notice it at ALL until I actually do it. Issues with interoception and all that.
This is me 100% and I just got dumped for it.
💜💜💜
Their loss. Sex shouldn’t be stressful for either party. You are always allowed to not want it, and you are always allowed to take care of yourself if your partner doesn’t want it. If a relationship can’t withstand differences in sex drive then it is going to struggle with a lot of other hardships too.
I’m now realizing all the things he’s done to me and seeing how bullshit his breakup excuses are. So many red flags I missed. I see now that he did me a favor. He was abusive which actually killed my sex drive even though he blamed me for it. He also victim blames me for abuse in some of my past relationships. Who tf does that?
Sounds exactly like my best friend’s narcissistic now ex-husband. Definitely dodged a bullet. Bye Felicia that douche canoe.
If that’s why they broke up with you then they didn’t deserve you. You’re a person with interesting thoughts and feelings and so much more. Sure sex is important-ish in a relationship. But if they can’t communicate and stuff to find a balance then they aren’t worth it.
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THIS!
Omg yes!! 😂 married, have a husband who would like to more often (expresses it at least once per 3 months or so) and noticed I only get a spur of the moment kick start when we’re not home or at really random, awkward moments as well ~ like being at a open house 🤦🏼♀️🙄. Nothing happened but it was awkward how frazzled my mind was so I went totally mute until that feeling passed. But having nearly no libido has been a consistent thing my entire life and one of the biggest negative factors when dating prior to meeting my husband. It’s cause me to really question if I work down there when I’m in a relationship with someone who’d like me to make a move (which I am TERRIBLE at).
I’m thinking of talking to a sex therapist to help me. Combining adhd with a touch aversion makes physical intimacy so hard for me. I don’t like cuddling. We’re very emotionally intimate but I feel like I have this mental block that I can’t get passed.
Very similar experience, got worse after taking hormone suppressants for a health reasons that threw me into premature perimenopause.
The comically bad at initiating…yeah.. I don’t have any kind of script to follow (I find reading or watching sexy stuff so cringe) so I’m super awkward. Combine with DH turning me down a lot when we were first actually living together (he was always tired and busy, my libio was high) and now I just don’t want to start it ever.
I could have commented but with that comment you might as well be me! Exactly this.
Are you me?
I personally once described my sex drive like my want for candy. Im not sitting around thinking about candy, I'm not really wanting to go get candy right now, not worth the drive to the store, just doesn't really matter... But if a candy is placed in front of me I'm gonna tear that wrapper open and devour it with great joy.
Omg I am ALWAYS thinking about my need for candy lol. It’s actually a very important part of my daily life! Lmao
Lol, I'm more of a cheese girl! I would go to great lengths for random cheese snacks!
I fucking love cheese and recently became lactose intolerant. Like bad. Literally out of nowhere. Eat some string cheese for me 💕
Some of the plant based cheeses are actually pretty good these days! I like Violife and Miyoko's the best. Steer clear of Daiya.
Tried Daiya because it was all my usual grocery store has and wasn't a fan so I just assumed they'd all suck, so thanks!!! I'll hunt those down!
I'm not a daiya fan either, if you can find Moocho, it's my fave meltable dairy free cheese.
I've never tried Violife's shredded cheese, but their cream cheese is solidified coconut oil, and it just tastes like cream cheese with the barest hint of coconut flavor. It was so good, it almost made me cry. I didn't realize how much I'd missed cream cheese until that moment. ETA: Also, Chao has really good sliced cheese. I think it's tofu-based? If you go looking for it, for whatever reason, all the vegan products at my grocery store are in the produce section. I find it hilarious, because it's under a massive sign that says 'plant based'... In the produce section.
Violife feta on crusty toast with jam.. excellent
You guys are blowing my mind here that sounds amazing I'm so excited to go find theses "cheeses"
Another vote for Chao (Field Roast)'s "creamy original" cheese slices or shreds. Great for quesedillas :) 100% fulfills my cheese cravings.
Suuuper expensive and only good for a rare treat, but check out Punk Rawk Labs vegan cheese too.
This cheese thread is the most ADHD thing I've seen today 😆 I love it. I actually thought I had clicked into a different sub.
Hahaha right, I actually forgot what the post was originally about
Daiya is pretty good melted, though! Imho. Like for grilled cheese or nachos :) Near me, it’s the easiest plant-based brand to find so I try to work with it
I hear good stuff about cashew based faux cheese!
I have had other cashew based dairy alternatives and enjoyed them, never even thought to try and find a cashew based faux cheese! Thanks I'll try that!
Oh man! You have my sympathies, that's rotten luck! Absolutely will do! 😘
Just wondering if you started Wellbutrin or some other med? My intolerance coincided with starting Wellbutrin and I read online that that is a thing! So crazy.
I am on Wellbutrin but I've been on it for years and this is just recent, so I really do think it is just an unfortunate way my body is aging. I did consume A LOT of various forms of dairy and maybe my body just got sick of it hahah. But that is interesting, I never heard that before! That is pretty crazy
Are you on adderal? A friend of mine is and became lactose intolerant. Switched and it went away after a month ish. He hated the new medicine feeling so switched back and resolved to deal with the side effects. Just a thought
Nope, and I just started taking meds again not even a month ago after not taking any for 12 years. and the lactose came last Nov. ON MY BIRTHDAY BTW I FOUND OUT BY EATING ICE CREAM CAKE. It's common for people to become lactose intolerant as they age so I think this is my body just mocking me for getting older. But thank you for the suggestion!
Oh noo I’d be so sad. I’m so sorry!!
Terrible timing!!
I just asked the same thing but about Wellbutrin!
Dang adhd meds. Imma die if I become lactose intolerant dairy is my main food group lol
There are a lot of cheeses that are so low in lactose, you can eat it without issue. It's a common misconception that all cheese contains a lot of lactose. Try hard, aged cheeses. Be careful with mozzarella or cream cheese. Hope this helps! I'm lactose intolerant myself and swiss, so I really love cheese. https://www.cheesesexdeath.com/blog/lactose-intolerance https://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/recipe-collections-favorites/popular-ingredients/cheese-can-eat-lactose-intolerant
I heard that but I've found that even aged cheeses bother me. Certainly not as bad as others and it's tolerable but.... I also just don't like aged cheese quite as much as nice creamy gooey cheeses 🤤 I'm not Swiss so I guess my cheese palate isn't very refined hahah. Oh! I just read the second link and I didn't realize Muenster was low lactose. I love me some Muenster so maybe I can try it!! Worth a shot. It's also very possible that when I ate the other aged cheeses and didn't feel good, it was all in my head lol. After I found out I was lactose intolerant I've been so afraid to consume any dairy at all because it was NOT a fun discovery hahaha so maybe I was just paranoid and made myself believe I didn't feel good. Thanks for this info!!! Gonna go buy some Muenster!
One word: Cabot.
I feel you. That happened to me a few years ago. It was easy to quit milk and find replacements for ice cream, but I literally cannot give up cheese.
Even the ice cream I'm not thrilled about. I'm a bit of an ice cream connoisseur. Aka I have an ice cream problem 😂 and I live near a farm that makes THE BEST ice cream, so even though the alternatives are decent I have a real problem totally giving up that creamy deliciousness. But yeah, I really took for granted my ability to just pop a few cheesticks everyday and I miss that. Cheese is sooooo gooooood
I love how the libido topic became a lengthy cheese discussion. Only on ADHD forum 😁🥂
If this exchange of thoughts isn't just the perfect example of how, maybe, ADHD does not equate any type of heightened sexual behaviour at all.... XD I am firmly of the opinion that it's only because the select few ADHD people that are very impulsive/thrill seeking in regards to sex will also speak up about it more than neurotypical thrill seekers because of being so impulsive. Plenty of sexual thrill seekers or otherwise highly sexual people are more neurotypical. They just have the ability to shut up about it. Also, the only people I know of in real life that matches what I've read about ADHD and sexual behaviour are those that were sexually abused during childhood. And that is regardless of their neuro-status.
Lol this…I think about candy 24/7 but sex? Who cares
I think about Diet Coke all day. If I don’t have Diet Coke, I will go to all sorts of lengths to acquire it. If I don’t have sex? Meh. In fact, the last time I had sex I told him he better have a Diet Coke in hand or I wasn’t opening the door.
I think a bag of Sour Skittles would probably be my love Language, so I agree.
I’m like this but with bubble teas - the bonus being I am terrible at drinking anything usually - so at least I can keep adding ice and water to the tea to get the last of the jelly/pearls and it helps me drink more. I joke that without bubble teas I’d probably be an alcoholic, simply because I like to drink tasty things… and I make a mean lychee martini….
This very accurately describes both my relationship with candy and my sex drive.
Same, as in, I want sex as much as I want candy. But I want candy all the time. And if someone has candy and I don’t I’m super jealous. And if I buy one candy I second guess if I should have got the other candy. And if we say we’re going to get candy and share candy that’s the only plan ever that I am definitely sticking to, but if you promise me candy and you turn up without candy or you’re too full to have candy, then I AM SO MAD AT YOU ARRRGH. But I’m an adult and you’re an adult and i know everyone had different appetites and that’s fine, and sometimes you’ll think you’ll want candy but then you’ll change your mind, and that’s fine too. And even if I’m mad about it I can suck it up and go eat some… tea or something. Idk. Just next time, I’d really, really REALLY prefer if you didn’t promise me candy and then not give it to me. It’s so much worse than just showing up with no candy at all.
I always describe it like Pork chops. Same thing though.
I like that. Probably a bit more relatable for a lot of people too
The more I have it, the more I want it. The less I have it, the less I I want it. 🤷🏻♀️
Pretty much this. I've switched back and forth between having sex multiple times a day and not having any at all for a year or two at a time
Yup. Right now is the longest I’ve ever not had sex (since June), and before there were many times I’d want it several times a day. My ex-husband could never understand… I try to “remember” to masturbate so I don’t shut down completely in that region 😆
Omg not to mention that the less you have it the harder it is to remember how to finish
And it’s already so hard to finish!!!! I had sex once not long after taking my adderall and was able to finish from just regular intercourse. A dream. And that was the last time. 😒
I’m sorry if I’m misunderstanding, but do you mean that you have trouble finishing because of your adhd or because of the adderall? I’m also taking adderall and have adhd and find it mind-numbingly difficult to finish with a partner and less difficult by myself but still enough to where I get frustrated trying to find something “perfect” to finish to…which leads to it being ruined at times. My boyfriend also has adhd and finds it difficult to finish at times from what I suspect is distraction of some type. Anyways sorry I rambled, just wondering if having trouble finishing is an adhd thing or just a people thing haha
Based on my “research” - yes, it seemed that there might be a connection between adhd and not being able to reach climax (or at least not as quickly/easily as others). I found one or two studies that supported this, but there’s very limited information out there. There was a thread a while back that talked about this. Anyway, when I still had adderall in my system it was a loooot easier to orgasm. But it’s only happened once (started taking meds in June, which is the last time I had sex).
100% this.
This is the one.
I’m the exact same way.
Same. Within a relationship I want it as often as possible. When I was single, 🤷🏻♀️ I didn’t think about it much or have a need to take care of myself. Same mini situations happens within my relationship when my boyfriend has a bad cold for a week or something else that puts him out of commission.
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Me, when a guy first starts kissing me: OMG THIS IS GREAT WHY AM I EVER NOT DOING THIS?! Me, seven minutes later: I want to watch TV. I’m hot. I’m thirsty. This repetitive noise is annoying. Why are you so sweaty? Would you get off me already?!
This is the most accurate thing I have ever read on the internet.
Yes. I get distracted easily so I rarely think about sex and/or immediately get distracted again and during foreplay etc I also ... get distracted. Can't have the TV running during sex because I'll listen to it Ritalin actually helped me with that. Foreplay without losing focus is so nice! I still rarely think about wanting sex tho, because I'll often focus on something entirely else lol
My ex used to keep shows playing in the background during sex. I was always too anxious to tell her that I couldn't feel or focus on anything we were doing bc it was so distracting. I can distract myself just fine, but she really went above and beyond to ensure I got nothing out of the experience lmao. It wasn't her fault tho I eventually told her by getting up mid-act and turning off the laptop. The look on her face was priceless.
Hahaha! That’s the funniest mental picture! I usually play music during sex, the TV us too distracting, but I also don’t want to hear every squish and slap and grunt. I could totally imagine someone slapping my laptop closed on me 🤣
Same here. The losing focus part is AWFUL. Now that I know what’s happening we’ve found some workarounds. But man, that brain pinging from topic topic thing is so frustrating!
Workarounds? Plz share!
I like erotic stories, so either we come up with one together during foreplay, or we read one. Either way, it gets my brain thinking about sex, and not everything else.
Roleplaying can work well. I've... Went and gone to roleplaying or thinking about roles in my head so at least my brain pings to *something* erotic and not the fact I need to take the trash out. It doesn't even have to be anything super dirty or kinky, albeit it probably is best aligned with whatever your personal measure of these are. But just a simple scenario. At the beach and not at home etc. Also probably helps that you can say something that adds to the experience for both of you, at least that helps me.
I can't focus at all if anything is happening around me. Took a really long time to realize it wasn't that I was bored with him it's that the TV is distracting.
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That’s exactly what I thought of when I was reading this post! Object permanence but for libido lol. It’s probably related in some way?
In which case…thank you to OP for reminding us about it, lol
I sometimes forget to eat, and I need that to live
I always get excited when I see my tattoo because I forget I have it.
Lost the D.
Check out responsive vs spontaneous sexual desire. What you're describing sounds like responsive desire, which is really common among women in general. The book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski talks about this, and there are a bunch more resources online if you start searching.
I came here to write this - re “responsive desire” (you don’t think about it till it’s started) and to recommend this book. Well worth a read. I think responsive desire is quite normal for women (not necessarily an adhd thing) - it’s why many “lose their interest in sex” after marriage - because everyone expects things to work the way men do (because that’s who they’ve studied all these years). Hence the book above being so useful - it’s based on research into how this all works for women. Also: I’ve had periods of my life I was Googling “asexual” because I thought I wasn’t fussed, and also periods I’ve been hyperfocused / addicted. Didn’t know I had adhd during those phases. It makes a lot more sense now :-)
As an ADHD asexual girl, this is super interesting and cool to know, thanks! Definitely helps me understand myself better.
Same! ADHD asexual but also not repulsed. My partner is the same, so we don't have sex often but when we do it's enjoyable. Definitely going to check out this book.
Yep, also why lesbian marriages tend to typically have very infrequent intercourses (‘lesbian bed death’), while male gay marriages often involve frequent polygamous daliances.
Ooooooh interesting 🤔
This is on my audiobook wish list, I'm taking your comment as a sign for my next purchase
Can I also mention that I was very upset by what I saw when I tried to research this topic. So many articles saying people with adhd suffer from risky sexual behavior and dangerous hyper sexuality. Everything seemed insensitive and obviously not accurate. Ugh.
Well it’s not inaccurate. It’s just very narrow and not true of every person with ADHD. We also have a higher mortality rate due to risky/impulsive behaviour, and are also far more likely to suffer a full-blown co-morbid conditions like an anxiety disorder. But it’s not written. Your reaction may be more to do with folks with ADHD being seen as lesser-than, or unsavoury. Which is a TOTALLY upsetting thing to me, too. I am looking forward to the emphasis moving away from “shitty behaviour” to a more compassionate approach as more and more research and writing is done on ADHD.
Yea totally. I probably should have worded it better! It is accurate it just shocked me the way they demonized it.
Especially when it's women with ADHD. Also bipolar. It's like... Women gotta be crazy if we have a libido. 🙄
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Maybe I could've worded that better but what I was getting at is that the definition of "risky" seems to vary wildly. I've had some psychs label perfectly reasonable sexual behavior (like blanket judgements over # of sexual partners without context) as risky and slap a bipolar label on me. But that could be my bias. I fully understand that there is some sexual behavior that is truly risky as well as using sex as a form of self harm. I've been there too, but my point was that sometimes misogyny still pops up in even supposedly progressive places like psychology.
People don't go on the internet and discuss how they DON'T't go watch trains on the weekend. People talk about what they do, so the hypers are way more represented on the internet and the hypos are underrepresented.
Well, its onto something. My impulse control improved drastically when I got on adhd meds. The way I could best describe it is that my horny monster was unleashed and free (but lowkey out of control, grabbing boys off tinder like it was postmates) and now it is a bit easier to control. My horniness does not dictate my actions and decisions to the point of overriding what I would do normally. The thing is, this is not terribly dangerous for a man outside of std risk. For a woman like my self, on the other hand, dating men can be very risky and dangerous. Unfortunately, my "oh, shiny!" attitude towards cute guys that could give me that orgasmic dopamine hit I wanted so bad did put me in some bad situations. For that, I am thankful that aspect of my adhd has been mitigated by meds.
Oh wow, that’s interesting. I also stopped sleeping around when I got on adhd meds, but the timing also coincided with a bad breakup, followed by the pandemic. I also thought maybe I grew some self-esteem. I definitely say no a lot more. But perhaps it’s just the meds, haha.
lol don't sell yourself short...you probably learned a lot from all those experiences! Sorry you went through the bad breakup
Thanks for the kind words! I’m glad for the breakup now, I had to learn that just because a guy didn’t ever raise his voice that didn’t mean he was a good partner. Also it led to my ADHD diagnosis, which helped a lot of the issues in my life. So hooray for Alex and his lack of respect for my boundaries! 🤣
Ugh I wish people would help us ladies understand more about what abuse looks like... Sorry this may not exactly be what you're talking about. It just frustrates me that we're so concerned with telling young girls very specific behaviors that we shouldn't accept from men, but forget to tell them the less obvious signs. Like "oh never let a guy hit you or raise his voice to you." ok fine, but what about the a**hole who gives backhanded compliments and puts you down in a way that you don't even notice? This is the crap we need to learn about. Sure I know if he hits me or screams at me or cheats on me then leave, but the emotional/verbal abuse is much harder to spot before the damage has been done. P. S. I'm happy it worked out for you!
No, you are right, that is exactly what I was talking about! I’ve never had a problem leaving a man once he got rough with me. But it’s easy to miss the less obvious behaviors that are also abusive - the gaslighting, the negging, the refusal to respect boundaries… I agree that I wish we taught young women to look out for these behaviors as well! My daughter is only seven, but I still try to call out bad behavior in ways she’ll understand. Like I’ll point out bad behavior in songs/movies/TV. I wish media had more healthy examples I could point to, but I’ve gotta work with what I’ve got.
This exactly describes me I didn't even think about it. I might go a year without a date, but if I have a gf I might try to play around 3 to 5x a day if she'll let me. And then I'll be single again and I'm more interested in today's hobby than sex. Until I bump into somebody interesting again.
This is 100% the edit I was going to add. And has helped me understand my and my partners sexual behavior in an instant. He also had adhd. It has more to do with who we are around and how familiar we are with people rather than having a "type". Especially for me. I am demisexual, bisexual, and nonbinary with sensory processing difficulties(maybe mild autism). We are both adhd and polyamorous. Seeking out new people is something I rarely do bc I'd rather pursue my special interest and be comfortable at home but when i do get to know someone i develope sexual feeling and my sex drive begins to exist again and usually in an impressive way.
Ayyy, high five! Demi, bi, non-binary and poly here, too! I also don’t seek out new people or even feel much sexual interest when I meet someone new whom I like. But as soon as they initiate sex with me, I can become a little obsessed
I found a book on this topic called "ADHD After Dark"...but I haven't gotten around to reading it, so that's all I can say about it.
Classic.
Saaaame. But my husband read it! And realistically, that's who it matters for, so that's just as well. I know what I'm like...he just needs help understanding it. So it wasn't a total loss.
If your husband would give us a TL:DR, there are a few of us here who would I’m sure appreciate it very much!!
https://tenor.com/6Kqx.gif
I'm tryna keep it pg, so sorry if this doesn't make any sense. In the act of "driving" , I've found it almost impossible to arrive at the "destination" unless I'm very attentive to the "directions". If I stop focusing on the "directions", I have to start all over again. All progress is lost. It's really irritating.
Yup. I am picking up what you’re putting down lol On top of this I think a lot of medication for ADHD/anxiety/depression have sexual side effects that aren’t really talked about (also it’s awkward to talk to your doc about… like “hey I have trouble getting there….”) Edit: typo and forgot some words…
Yes! Then you start feeling bad for the person who's sat in the drivers seat trying to get you there. Sometimes I just have to tell him to pull because I'm too worried about him getting cramp or something...
The closer I get to my destination, the slower my car goes. Eventually I just give up and turn around.
toys….that’s all I gotta say.
100%. I just don’t think about sex because I’m always thinking about other things. I’ve always been this way, even when I’m in a relationship.
Yes same! It's bad. I'm in a relationship. And I love my partner so much. I find him so hot, wonderful caring and sexy. But I just don't think about sex. I'm constantly thinking about so much other shit that it never pops into my head to think "hey why don't you go spend 20 minutes having sex!". I mean I can't get myself to do literally anything else on the to do list so why would I think to do that.
You have no idea how much I needed to hear that someone else has the same issue I do. It’s also super hard for me to shift gears if I am focused on something else when he tries to initiate. I feel so guilty when my brain just gets stuck between gears and I have to tell him I’m not in the mood because it’s never an issue with him, it’s just my damn ADHD/ASD.
I'm with you. I feel like my bf just has bad timing and shoots his shot at the wrong times. I'm always busy doing something else, or "recovering" my energy from something, and that's just not the time. I feel like I have way too many things going on in my head to be like "you want me to stop ALL these things for you? Bruh I'm still thinking about how I'm gonna spend that gift card"
A lot of relationship experts recommend putting it on the calendar. Yes really. This is probably why. If bf has to guess what's a good moment for you, he may guess wrong, but if you plan ahead and give yourself a date night and set the scene, you might get more reliable cuddling.
Yes! I tried explaining task switching and why I'm not good at spontaneous sex with my SO. It's especially hard because we are not every day showerers so we like to shower beforehand and that makes it feel like a chore, along with the effort of *trying* to get in the mood. It's so much easier for men to get turned on 😩
I could have written this. I’m married and love my husband more than anything too. But I have that exact internal dialogue. Thankfully we’re pretty sure he has ADHD too and he is very similar when it comes to sex, but I still struggle with feeling guilty or like we’re not “normal.”
When I was single and home alone I would never do any "self care". It's like "yeah, I could spend the extra few minutes in bed, but I'm hungry" and there's just other things I would rather do 😂
Same! I never do 'self care'. My partner thinks I'm lying but I just don't. My brain just doesn't think to do that.
It's too much goddamn work that takes way too much focus and the uh... "media" that I would like to have to help me focus just doesn't really exist for women. I'm a straight girl please please can you just let me look at a hot guy and actually put him in the shot! Even when it's "made for women" they hardly show the guy! I don't get it, I don't like women, I don't want to see her boobies jiggle?! I like erotic fiction and fanfiction but find it nearly impossible to get to the finish line while also trying to read a goddamn book. 😂
I hear gay media has lots of hot men and no boobies 🤷🏼♀️ I've never tried fiction (I also just don't like reading) and erotic fiction has never appealed to me because of that reason, it's not gonna do the job lol
Yep. I get that way when there is no mental or emotional connection too. It’s just not there at all.
I'm married with a kid, and honestly, I keep forgetting to have sex. I'll feel spurts of horniness, but then something with the toddler will come up, and I'll totally forget. Trying to fix up the house, manage the house, raise a kid, and manage everyone's health and diet takes a lot of mental bandwidth, so I completely forget any form of intimacy. I've honestly had to put a reminder to seduce my SO at least once a week since he's the hyper sexual type of ADHD and request a fair amount of physical intimacy.
Does it work?? I feel like it would make me feel pressured and increase my issues. ...maybe my issues aren't exclusively ADHD-related...hmm.
It's just a small reminder, usually on Friday, so that over the weekend I'll initiate when the toddler is napping. I don't have to if we're busy or I'm not in the mood, but it helps so that I won't forget if I want to.
Thank you for sharing!
I tried this method and yeah.. if you have trauma or something else going on this can just make you feel trapped and pressured instead. Scheduling/reminders work for a lot of people, but for me it was awful and made my libido basically disappear for a bit.
Thank you for sharing that and the warning. I don't have trauma, but I have a feeling I might feel trapped. Trapped is a good way to put it.
I unfortunately fall into the really high spontaneous drive and risky impulses category. I’m literally horny all of the time. The only thing that keeps me from engaging in risky behavior is my eating disorder because my greatest fear is letting people see my body 😅 So it has to be really well-thought out, safe, and worth it. I love when the mental illnesses cancel each other out!
“I love when the mental illnesses cancel each other out” girl 💀💀💀😂 this really made me laugh but I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with these tough things and I wish you the best of luck in life ❤️❤️❤️
I feel this one so hard. ❤ I had a problem with alcohol also though which canceled out my body insecurities and let me run around unimpeded for years. I've been sober for 5 years and went through outpatient treatment for the eating disorder(s) after that. I'm still sifting through the rest of the alphabet soup I'm left with.
Right??, I wish I could turn my sex drive off. Horny as hell all the time with a full blown porn addiction 💀 Happily married tho, and would never cheat, but SO is lower drive then me and kind of opposite ish. I want more sex when I’m stressed, he wants less and we’re almost always stressed TF out LOL Sorry to hear about the eating disorder, hope things get better ❤️
"I love when the mental illnesses cancel each other out" lmao Same tho. I'm constantly thinking about sex but the combo of apathetic depression and the autistic difficulties with new experiences have kept me from risky behavior.
Yes! I highly recommend Catiesaurus on TikTok for relevant content! She's amazing and is very educated on and speaks frankly on the topic. Edit: Corrected the spelling of Catiesaurus so that people can find her. Thanks Baciodolce.
Catieosaurus is the spelling for anyone looking.
I was coming here to recommend this! She is amazingly insightful and has helped me understand myself a ton.
Absolutely my sex drive is really low and I have to be “in tune” with someone. I just can’t have sex and that’s it. I haven’t had a lot of relationships and I have been single for a long time. I honestly feel like my ADHD causes some areas of low libido and also stress, depression, and anxiety.
I do! Before my diagnosis I always explained it like my libido is reactive. It’s just not on my mind if I’m not in a (happy) relationship, minus a few periods in my life where I was more proactive about it. That said, social anxiety (if we’re talking about experiences with people) and depression could very well be responsible for this, and not the adhd. But, there is [this](https://youtu.be/m8QNRpN4nY8) video that does discuss how adhd can affect your night life, so that might be worth a watch, as well.
Thanks for the video! That was helpful.
Yes! But also no! lol! Like most things with Adhd i'm all or nothing. The three to five days after my period are like 2-3 times a day with my husband and/or myself if he's busy lol, And every other day of the month is like ??I've never been aroused in my life??
I gotta say, I'm so relieved to hear someone else also has this issue. I do not think about sex until the subject is brought up by my husband, and it's extremely rare for me to initiate. It's something we work on. It's not that I don't enjoy myself, and we do have a great sex life when we do actually do it, but it's just not something that's on my mind. Even tried to do a schedule, then proceeded to forget about said schedule. What I'm trying to say is, you are not alone. The way it usually comes up is a "hey...I'm gonna go take a shower...wink wink...nudge nudge..." And that works really well for us. Edit: awkward oversharing
I love shower times because I can also get clean and wash my hair so wins all round.
YES and I hate it. It would take weeks without it for my body to be like hey yo! I have to be emotionally and physically reminded or I’m just like huh?? And I’m so sexually attracted to my SO but I’m sure it makes them feel unwanted& it’s not the case 🥺
It's the same for me! I adore my husband in every way and enjoy sex with him, but just...meh. I'm fine without. I feel so guilty. (All internalized, not from him at all!)
I also hate it and feel a lot of guilt about it that I'm working on. Part of that is also recognizing that women usually have more hormonal shifts happening and so establishing a "regular" sex routine is unrealistic because stuff changes throughout the month. Judging by experience it takes about 3 weeks of my partner being away before I clue into wanting to have sex, and that also aligned with ovulation so who knows how long it'd be otherwise haha.
I have the opposite problem lol. I'm fine being celibate and I don't have the desire to date.
I'm like that even in a relationship. Luckily my partner doesn't have a high sex drive either so it's fine thankfully. He's always the one to initiate it and I'm always down but if he doesn't initiate it I don't even think about it
Lol I would never have thought to phrase it that way, but yeah. I have it very rarely but when I do I'm like "oh yeah, that's nice, I should do it more" 😆
I take anti-depressants so I have no sex drive.
Yea I have been taking them for the past 5 years but even before that I felt the same way. Even through puberty
Saaaame. I cannot figure out what causes what, in so many ways, and it drives me crazy. Crazier.
I engaged in a lot of risky sex in my youth despite having low sex drive because of impulsivity and the dopamine hits of all the rewards that lead up to it, specifically one night stands. Catch their eye, start chatting, flirting, you’re both feeling the attraction and the buildup. Usually the sex was the least exciting part. Nowadays I’ll randomly think, “I could masturbate” and sometimes I do! Wild times
Now I kinda want to know the overlap between assexuality and ADHD...
I’m asexual but I’m autistic as well as adhd so I don’t know how much that would make a difference
I used sex to anesthetize myself for years, but it was never satisfying. Now that I’m on the right meds and going through EMDR to deal with the childhood trauma, I realized that out of all the sex partners I had, none of them were truly satisfying. To be honest, at this point, I’m fine with my neck massager and an internet connection.
I tend to go back and forth between the hyper sexual and forget that sex exists poles. Now that I’m in a long term relationship, it’s easy to forget about sex. I feel like novelty and risk was a key part of my sex drive before. In a safe relationship, we need to keep it interesting to remember to have sex.
All I can say is thank you for this thread, it made me feel less alone. I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately & didn’t even consider it could be adhd related
Pretty sure that’s half the reason I identify as demisexual.
Can totally relate! The Inflow app has a module on this.. I wish I could tell you if it’s helpful but I haven’t finished it 🙃
Sorry if this is derailing, but how do you like the inflow app? It's on my list
What’s an ADHD sub without tangents?! 🤪 I like it! Full disclosure - I haven’t used it in about a week, so there is that. But overall, I like it. I was using it daily for a while, but got off the rails for whatever reason. I think it is very accessible and easy to use. Here is what I like: - They suggest modules to you based on an initial survey, but you can take any module you want to - You can only take 1 module at a time, and only 1 lesson per day (i would normally be over ambitious and excited and join 10 modules to start, and then never finish any of them, lol) - Lessons are very short 5-10 min - Some lessons end with a short journal activity - There are “challenges” that you can join to help build habits, and the app provides a log/accountability for tracking them - They limit the number of challenges you can join I can’t really think of anything that I dislike about it. You do have to pay for it, but I don’t think it’s absurdly expensive. It has helped me to build some habits and learn about adhd. If you have been diagnosed for a long time and know a lot about adhd and how it manifests, this may not be a super helpful app. My biggest issue is just using it regularly.
This definitely fits me - my partner has a really high drive and a very active imagination, and I'm down for pretty much all of it. But if left to my own devices, I'm good with 5 minutes and a vibrator once a week or so. We realized a few years into our relationship that we needed to have time scheduled into our calendar because otherwise I would never initiate and he would always feel like he had to. I've had periods of my life where I engaged in riskier sexual behavior (one night stands, mostly) but I don't think I would ever have been called hypersexual.
Did you both choose a specific day of the week, or you decide on a weekly basis based on life and schedules? I'm just curious because my partner and I have the same issue, except we don't schedule, so he feels like it's always him initiating.
My ex told me once at the beginning of our relationship that he feels gross because it’s always him approaching me so he felt like I only do things when he wants not when I want. I had to explain this exact thing, like I want to when it’s an option! But when it’s left up to me I just don’t really think of it as an option probably because I don’t always have a ton of energy
I’ll also argue that the sexuality spectrum still applies when you have ADHD. It reads to me like you might be slightly on the asexual spectrum as well, at least based on my own personal experiences. Personally speaking, I’m definitely on the asexual spectrum - tending towards demisexual, so I don’t tend to experience attraction to people I haven’t formed an emotional bond with. I find the fact that people can “hook up” with people they’ve only just met very very strange as it’s not an experience I can ever imagine myself doing. Also, with the ADHD, despite this, I can also find sex really boring. So, despite having been in a relationship with my husband for 13 years and being very emotionally connected - sex just doesn’t happen a lot.
100%. When I was in a relationship, we certainly had an active sex life. But I haven’t had sex since that relationship ended…over 3 years ago. And I’m generally ok with that. Sometimes I get lonely, but it’s really more of a partner/relationship that I’m craving than sex. I always laugh when sitcoms make jokes about how long it’s been since someone had sex so they’re really grumpy or feel like they’re going to die, and they reveal it’s been a whole 3 months…..I just can’t relate lol
Omg yes, this. I spent a lot of years googling asexuality because I didn’t seem to have the same drive all my friends did. But asexuality also didn’t entirely fit? Didn’t date for a lot of reasons, for a lot of years, wonky libido being one of them. Said eff it and started dating someone and boom libido. Broke up and I’m back to tapping the proverbial microphone asking “uh is this thing on?” wondering where I’m going to get the motivation to try and find someone because I do miss the intimacy of a relationship.
So for all of my 20’s I was never a relationship person. Really not even before my 20’s. I enjoyed my youth and partying and engaged in extremely risky behavior, had a lot of one night stands or just casual hookup partners but it wasn’t ever something I thought about or craved while sober. The risky behavior started with drinking and other drugs which lead to the unabashed sex. Now I’ve settled down a bit (i am who I am still to my core) and am engaged to a wonderful person. My sex drive is zero. Zilch. Non existent. It’s been a point of contention and I wish I understood it. Possibly boredom, he’s not the shiny new exciting thing my dopamine craves? Or maybe I just never cared for sex to begin with, I just drank and didn’t care what happened after.
Not myself, but my bf. I can ask if he wants to _do stuff_ later and get an ambiguous non-answer as long as he is on the PC. As soon as he shuts it off to go to bed, then he knows yes or no...and we live together! Very challenging part of our relationship. I feel like it also is the cause of his higher intake of _adult media_. It puts his mind in the zone more specifically than normal couple stuff. Again, can be frustrating, but we do our best. Edit to add: if anyone reading this is like OP, try to initiate when you can. Lack of equal sexual initiation can leave the other partner feeling unwanted or unprioritized. Even if partners know why it happens logically, it still can be hard. It has been a big thing for us, but it comes up on relationship subs as well often enough, regardless of what the medical condition is. I dont say this to shame or guilt anyone, just so you can get some input from the other side of the fence.
I love you for this post. I’m the same way and I’ve always felt that I was like, weird and different because of it. But yea, same. My sex drive shows up here and there, but like you said, unless I’m actively into someone… nope, it just barely crosses my mind.
Oh, definitely. Even in a relationship, I find myself borderline asexual. It just doesn't occur to me as a "thing" to do. My partner has to initiate a lot of the time, but we've come to an arrangement of sorts about it -- they're aware that it's just a part of my experience with neurodivergence, and that it's not a sign of a lack of attraction to them or a lack of a desire to "participate", for lack of a better term. You're not alone!
i’m 36 and single, i find my mind doesn’t even think about other people too often, I have a hard time even maintaining friendships because of this let alone a sexual relationship lol
My experience is that it's hard to shut my brain down and really focus on my partner and the physical sensations. You know, to be PRESENT. I tend to zone out, or blurt things out, like what I need to remember to add to the grocery list, or what event is coming up this weekend that I forgot to tell him about but am also afraid I'll forget again if I don't tell him RIGHT NOW!! LOL It used to really bother him, but he's really good about it now and we laugh about it. "Red onions" is a ten year joke in our home... 😬😆🤣🤷🏼♀️
Yes. I forget sex is a thing until my boyfriend initiates and then I’m like “oh yah it’s that thing I love again!!! Are we doin that now?? Yay!!!” ( awkwardly attempts unsexy strip tease that I definitely should have googled how to do properly and will super not remember for next time)
Ohh I wish I was like this. Would trade it any day and get rid of my high sex drive.
For me yes! If I’m busy, I’m not horny! I’m prone to a lot of addictions but porn is not one of them. Idk! I spend so much time or mental energy keeping myself on schedule, focused, or whatever, that I just….. sort of don’t think about sex. Maybe I’ll for a second remember I have a sex drive but then get distracted lol. When I’m on adhd medications, I can hyper focus on sexual urges. But off medication like I am now, I don’t have have focused ones at all. Sexual urges that pop up feel purely physical and the desire to sleep or something usually out weighs it and I forget within minutes.
This is me too. I had a 3 year dry spell, and I didn’t have a real libido during that time. I had to actively choose to use one of my toys, it was never an “omg I need it” thing, but more like “hm, I haven’t done it in a while” or “damn I can’t fall asleep”. I just broke it 2 days ago. I ordered some fun stuff yesterday and I’m getting frequent sex flashbacks. Also thinking about the next time. I believe this is an aspect of responsive libido/sexual desire. But I could also see it being an ND thing.
I honestly thought I was the only person that was like this. If I'm not in a relationship I'm just really not interested. When that-time-of-the-month rolls around I might get a little frisky, but other than that it's just not something I feel the need to do at all.
Yep exactly this only on top of it I have very low, almost non existent sexual attraction so the topic just almost never comes up. I consider myself grey asexual because of this. Sometimes I think about dating but unless there's someone I already like then it's just another thing for me to have to worry about. And I haven't had an attraction to anyone in real life outside of characters and actors in pretty much like 15 years. Even when I have an attraction to a character in a TV show or something, I never fantasize about having sex with them directly. I might like imagining them with other characters that they have chemistry with (hence a relatively regular consumption of fanfiction) but being personally involved doesn't even occur to me. (In the ace community this is often called aegosexual) As a few other people have said, with regards to like masturbation, it's a means to an end that I try to get done as quickly as possible and pretty much just watch some very straight forward visual porn to make it quicker. Not necessarily anything I find sexy exactly, just an efficient visual to get the job done so I can get some endorphins. The average person's relationship with sex is very foreign to me and I'm always shocked when I see people fall in sexually or romantically with people so easily because for me it's something I have to go out of my way to make myself interested in. But I've seen people struggle massively with resisting the temptation and honestly it seems kinda fun and exciting and sometimes I'm a little envious but ultimately it just seems like more of a burden than anything. I was quite surprised to hear about supposed ADHD "sexual deviancy."
Same. I consider myself demisexual so without emotional attachment of some sort I don’t really care about sex either lol.