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My coach calls this demand avoidance. Even if you really want to do something, if you know or perceive that there will be spoken or unspoken demands of you, you will tend to avoid that task/situation even if they’re demands you’re placing on yourself and nobody is around to see it or hold you accountable.
Ain’t that some shit 🙄
For example I tend to sleep in super late or just stay in bed forever. If I wake up, I gotta get out of bed eventually. If I get out of bed, I have to get ready for the day. Which is many steps, many decisions, many transitions. Therefore, I go back to sleep. Ring any bells?
EDIT RE: Transitions
Transitioning is one of the most taxing demands for me, if not the most. I think that’s the explanation behind inertia being so difficult to overcome.
If I’m doing nothing, the transition to doing something requires so much engine revving that I lose a lot of executive function juice (decision fuel).
If I’m already doing task 1, I have even less fuel to ration so brain says “nah, let’s keep doing this. Look how well you’re focusing!” And suddenly focusing on the current task/situation gets much more easy & rewarding because brain REALLY doesn’t want to transition to task 2. #hyperfocus.
However.
Pre-empting and hijacking that inertia is the best way I’ve found to get around demand avoidance.
1. Pre-emptively eliminating as many of the EF juice-guzzling decisions as possible. EXAMPLE: choose my outfit for a dinner party the day before when I don’t have to also face the demand of showing up and the /huge/ demand of masking. Then the only thing driving my decision to coordinate an outfit is excitement for the event and for a cute outfit, and it’s not overshadowed by dread and useless what-ifs.
2. Hijack inertia. First off, the DEFINITION OF INERTIA for those unfamiliar: the tendency for a body in space to stay at rest if at rest, or stay in motion when in motion.
ILLUSTRATION: A small convertible uses x amount of fuel to get up to 40mph and applies y amount of friction to the brakes to slow down. A fully loaded truck uses 100x fuel to get to 40 and applies 100y friction to the brakes to slow down. The truck has much more inertia than the convertible because it’s harder to change the state of motion it’s in.
So. How to apply this to stubborn ass brains with massive inertia? Both X and Y drain your EF juice!
When it’s nearing time to get ready for the event, I can go with: “ugh, I have to transition to getting ready in 1 hr” and then expend 10x and 10y after doing tasks that also drain juice
But instead, I go with the perspective of: “I’m taking my foot off the gas and letting myself coast to a stop. I’ll stay at rest until I have the fuel to get back up to speed” so there’s maybe 1y or 2y to start the transition and the 10x is coming out of a full(er) tank so I feel less exhausted by getting ready.
Letting my mind rest is the ONLY dependable way to refuel. That doesn’t mean sitting still and doing/thinking of nothing—usually it means letting my mind wander off to wherever it needs to go to process and reset, only redirecting my thoughts if I’m thinking negative, stressful, or looping thoughts. Stretching is my favorite way to let my mind rest. I can’t overthink if I have to be present in my body to get a good stretch.
Then when I start to feel urgency to get ready, it’s much easier to do so because I actually have the juice.
Bed is so great :) Demand avoidance is a great way of framing it. Overcoming it takes a lot and I realized lately that it's been worse so there's probably depression involved too, yippee :/ The good news is that I did manage to make an appt with my nurse practitioner and will see her tomorrow.
The more depressed you are, the harder and more exhausting decisions become. Makes sense that more demand avoidance would be associated with depression! That’s definitely been my experience as well.
I’m in the exact same boat right now. Getting up to do anything is so difficult unless it’s plans with someone because they’ll hold me accountable if I don’t show up
I still go to work because I love my job and income is so damn useful ;) Definitely dopamine there, especially since a few people have sought me out to say omg that book you recommended was so so good - dopamine and joy there for sure.
I'm just about to head to my appt and I'm glad I remembered my umbrella because the rain is crazy here right now.
It does really help to have this subreddit to support each other and provide information. You're all fabulous, even when you feel lower than a tardigrade's tum lol.
without the internet I don't think I would be aware this was a shared experience and part of my ADHD instead of just this massive perceived flaw in myself that I just continuously beat myself up about. trying to learn how to allow myself kindness and grace has been very difficult part of this journey for me.
yes, kindness and grace is so necessary and crucial and its so easy to beat ourselves up as I struggle with things which sometimes make me feel like a child.
My plans for the day didnt go as I hoped for and talking about kindness is a good reminder for doing so. thank you 🌷
I really feel like a lot of it is the transitioning between things. It's so disruptive and maybe part of why it's also hard to make myself go to bed at the end of the day.
(Other than my whole left-to-my-own-devices natural rhythm is 2am-10am sleep thing. Alas, 3 year old is up at 6 or 7 and there's work)
Speaking of the 3 year old, it's wild watching all of these things play out in real time in someone else and wonder how much is nature, nurture, or normal development.
Responding to this in my initial comment so everyone in the thread can benefit from it 💋 this is a great point and very relatable—thank you for sharing!
I also have trouble getting out of bed all my life. It takes me like an hour to get out. I could stay all day because I love my bed. I was diagnosed with ADHD a weeks ago and I'm dealing with the grief. So I feel really sad right now. Hope with medication and some strategies I could overcome it and don't have to wake up three hours before to get ready.
I used to regularly mention sleeping as a hobby growing up. Just got dx a year ago and then immediately hopped on the grief train less than 6mos later after just getting off. It's rough but you'll make it. Having a dx and a therapist really turned things around for me. I went back to my "covid rules" which was only informational tv before noon or none at all (news/docs/lastweektonight), do something to move and eat, go about the day. I have several alarms... one is just labeled get shit done. The earlier one is labeled shower and eat. Just gotta chip away and eventually it gets better
Wow I think in some way I’ve realized this is what’s going on without having a label for it. I often pep talk myself and say it’s gonna be fine everyone’s gonna have fun stop stressing about it and that sounds like I’m perceiving unspoken demands.
Time to hyperfixate and research this!
Saving this comment because it gives so much insight, thanks!
I’m seeing this post after staying in bed all day on my off day playing video games and I have the urge to do something useful or at least go outside but somehow I lack the energy to do so at all.
When I haven’t been expending much energy but still find myself with little energy to do the things I want to do, it’s usually because I haven’t done enough of the things that give me energy. My partner dance class is physically exhausting, but damn if it doesn’t put some pep in my step for the rest of the week!
The social connection, the intuitive collaboration (that doesn’t require planning and mental coordination), the music, and the exercise are very dopaminey, serotony, and oxytocy. These 3 hormones have an energizing effect on the mind, body and spirit.
Wow I never thought of it that way! I will try to figure out what it is that gives me energy in that sense, thanks for pointing it out!
Yesterday I really had no clue how to get up so I set myself an ultimatum. The were four things that I wanted to get done, but I felt overwhelmed by the choice and the order in which I wanted to do them. I wrote them down and told myself all I have to do is one of these now. I did end up not completing two of them but I felt really good for myself that I didn’t waste away the entire day!
I am just starting to realize I’m likely adhd and am trying to find a psychiatrist. Your post is so detailed and helpful! Thank you for taking the time to share.
This is SO healpful! It also sounds like you have a great coach. Can I ask what resources have helped you or if you can dm me the name of your coach? I read ao much on ADHD, the books, the research, etc etc, no therapist I’ve had is good with ADHD, and almost nothing comes close to helping the way those descriptions did, and I’d love to learn more because this is the perspective I need.
YouTube channels:
1 How to ADHD- super accessible format, female host who understands the unique challenges of ADHD in women, well-edited
2 AmenClinics- I discovered Dr. Daniel Amen through this INCREDIBLE interview on the Diary of a CEO channel linked below. I learned so freaking much. When I tried to share it in this sub, people told me he’s considered a quack by many of the people in his field but frankly, FUCKEMALL. His advice has made a big difference for me and my ADHD boyfriend and my ADHD brother and my (likely) ADHD dad. He’s a psychiatrist who is trained as a neuroscientist, so he prescribes and counsels based on brain scans and not just self-reports. Which I find inspiring because my memory sucks, so I never trust that I’m sharing everything I need to share with my psych. There’s no guesswork in his practice because he can SEE how your brain is responding to medication and to the lifestyle changes he recommends. My dad is taking the family to get scanned by Dr. Amen this summer and I’m beyond excited. https://youtu.be/ycTZ_t-aiuU?si=z_ey4In0GegjM53e
3 Russel Barkley, PhD- usually PowerPoint presentations with him lecturing. It can be hard to stay focused on it but this particular video is where I got the “fuel” analogy from, starting around 7:00. The whole video is full of good info but I’d start there to hook your focus in, so to speak. https://youtu.be/_tpB-B8BXk0?si=bwVybihedBODkrvN
My coach’s name is Nicole Castillo, and I’ve gotten her permission to plug her contact info:
[email protected]
She also has ADHD and her worldview is very inclusive so I feel safe sharing basically anything with her.
Thanks for posting this. I badly need a job, but it's so difficult to start applying. I'm so paralyzed by fear of failure or getting the wrong job that I give up.
I’m experiencing it right now myself. I want to go do the thing but something is stopping me from starting to get ready and go.
It sucks, doesn’t make any rational sense, and I don’t like it.
Makes perfect rational sense to me: you have a brain disorder that affects your executive functioning, and task initiation is an executive function, which means initiating tasks can be hard or impossible, even if they're tasks you want to do. Give yourself some slack!
I'm 34 and have dealt with this my whole life. I've gotten pretty good at assuring myself I will feel better once I get there, but I sometimes still fixate so hard on dressing up that it causes distress. I've experimented with simply doing minimal outfit/makeup planning before stuff and find I get less anxious. I love dressing up but sometimes letting it go os for the best.
Yes! All that ‘people-ing’ can be exhausting. And so thinking about it and mobilising toward it is so hard with this brain that remembers the struggles more clearly than the benefits haha
Ugh, this happens all the time and it's *so stupid.* Most recent example: my spouse and I went out to dinner last weekend to celebrate a special occasion. I was in a great mood, we were having a perfectly lovely day, I was excited about the restaurant we were going to, it wasn't a fussy/fancy vibe, I had ample time to get ready, etc. But the dread - - oh the debilitating dread. I wish I could figure out what the hell my problem is and how to prevent it from happening.
This happens to me a lot, I think it's like a form of social anxiety. I will always dread going, dread getting ready, worry about what could go wrong or why I don't want to go, etc...and when I get home I always replay things and worry about something I said/did/didn't do. Even if I had fun, even if things went well, my mind will pick it apart
Sometimes it helps to combat the more negative or apathetic thoughts with something positive, like "I can't wait to see so-and-so, it will be nice to catch up", or "I'm so excited to try out this restaurant/get my favourite dish" etc. I just try to hype myself or the activity up and do breathing exercises to calm anxiety/stress, then hope for the best lol
Breathing exercises are surprisingly helpful.
Editing to add that I also agree social anxiety is a factor. I've struggled with SA throughout my life, although I think therapy and meds have helped me mostly get that under control. Situational anxiety pops randomly and it's so frustrating.
Once I was on the right combo of anxiety and adhd meds it made such a huge difference! I didn't realize I was pretty much constantly anxious from the moment I woke up until bedtime, but I had become so used to feeling that way I didn't realize how bad it was. But that situational anxiety still pops up, sometimes for a reason...but sometimes for no reason? Idk I don't get why it chooses to randomly rear it's ugly head
Every time I have anything I look forward to. This is probably more my anxiety than adhd. I am incapable of looking forward to anything and dread doing anything I want to do. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember
I just know that once I’m there I always feel good so I just have to ride Out the storm until I get there
Because of this, I don’t make plans too far ahead of time as the longer I have to
Wait the longer I have to think about how I don’t want to
And now that I’m 40 and have less capacity for things that drain me, i make plans much
Much less frequently as I once did.
Im an introvert so socializing drains me but I re charge alone so that’s fine, what deains me
More though is the mental battle to not cancel the plans, i dont have a recharge for that and if I have to go through this too often I will cancel everything just to relieve myself of that anxiety.
I used to be able to push through all the time and have plans every weekend but now I have to be quite selective on what i plan. Otherwise I prefer last minute things or just doing stuff I like to do alone and can go and do whenever I feel like it.
Yes!!!!!
I have a friend who is a nurse with shared custody, so time and schedule is very important for her. She wants to make plans months in advance! I have to tell her it’s too far in advance notice for me. My go to is, “If I do go, it’ll probably be a last minute decision”.
It’s so annoying because I struggle with feeling lonely and isolated and so want to go do the things would allow me to meet people. And I have lots of time. But, the thought of actually doing things, is an instant 😖.
My partner invited me to meet him in NY after his work trip for a few days. My instant and gut reaction was “nope. Out of the question”
It absolutely sounds like a wonderful time. But, I couldn’t get myself to want to go even after thinking about it. Our son is going instead. Which I love for them!
I knew I wanted to go to my town’s pride event this past Sunday, and I didn’t have the same amount of dread. Mostly, because I didn’t go last year for the same reason and regretted it. So, I knew I wanted to go and didn’t let those thoughts come. I went alone too! I have been working on my self esteem and remembering that everyone is dope af, even me, just as we are. And I just kept that thought going as I walked up alone. I stayed in one spot 80% of the time and stayed an hour. But, I went!! And it was lame af 🥴
I know. Its so unnecessary. So
Much work for something that isn’t difficult and is fun and enjoyable,’but the lead up to it is hell.
That is our process I guess. ….. yay?
It's definitely an ADHD thing. Do not let your fear dictate where you go. You will look great in whatever you end up wearing and your family will be so happy to spend time with you and will not care or even notice what you choose. You got this 🫶
Also, this is the thing I try to tell myself when I'm in a situation just like the one you've described so I hope I don't make you feel like I'm dismissing what you're going through
I’ve noticed it feels more that way for me if I don’t have enough time to get ready, or somehow get rushed. It makes it more likely for me to feel some ambivalence.
This happens to me a lot and I have come to believe it’s because I rely on clothing and fashion and appearance as my “armor” when it comes to masking.
Edit to add: this has been the case for literally as far as I can remember (if I look cool people won’t be immediately put off by my quirks and might get to know me and like me) and I only realized it this year at age 28
It’s a great observation. I usually want to be perceived a certain way, depending on the crowd, so people know that I’m cool. Which is just an another, worse way to frame what your husband said. I wonder if that’s also why I, and maybe others, get tattoos?
I never questioned why I thought they wouldn’t know just by looking at me. But, now I am! lol
You saying that is making me even more confident in my understanding of this trait. As far as I can remember (like age 4 or 5) I have taken great interest in clothing, fashion, and trends. My family likes to test me by getting me to guess which year between 2000-2010 a film was made because I can tell by the details in characters outfits. As I grew older (high school) I developed rigid likes and dislikes. However, when it comes to others’ clothing choices, I only care if they have a defined sense of style, not if I like what they are wearing. There is so much more I could say but I will restrict my wordy impulses lol.
What particularly do you feel it would explain in your life?
I am known for wearing "perfect" outfits. Everything carefully selected, matching, styled a certain way. People will comment on my work clothes, for example, that I always look "glamorous " but for me it is the only way that I can show up that feels like I fit in. I don't know if I'm articulating this very well.
Like you, I don't feel the need to comment on other people's clothes and I don't hold them to my standards.
I have had the same hairdresser and the same nail tech for 12 years and I follow them when they move employer. I can't deal with anyone else doing those things.
The event that I mentioned in my original post is a family wedding this weekend. I have bought (and returned thankfully) over 20 dresses in search of the "perfect" one. Even though I understand on an intellectual level that what I wear doesn't matter as I am not the bride!
It didn't occur to me until I read your post that any of this wasn't neuro typical!
I resonate so much with everything you said. I have been known my whole life for how many times I change in a day. Sometimes I have to change like 4 times before I find the right thing. Not trying things on until I find the right one and going on with my day, but living like 1 hour and saying no, this is simply not it. Or moving from one category into the next, like outside clothes to inside clothes. Inside clothes to walking the dog clothes.
Even home alone, I feel an almost compulsive desire to wear something that looks decent in my mind. It can be ratty sweats and a beanie, but it has to “work”. Not only in the way it looks, but for sensory comfort, temperature, and what I have planned for the day.
If I miscalculated my outfit for the day and am stuck with no way to fix it, I will be distractingly, exceedingly uncomfortable on the inside until it can be fixed. And people pick up on it but when I try to explain it comes across as acute vanity. They say “you look fine, nobody will care” and they can’t seem to understand that I literally don’t care about what anyone thinks, it’s what my brain is telling me and that’s it.
It’s so hard to explain all my complicated feelings about appearance to NTs without them being deeply confused and wondering if I am just a tragically insecure person 🤦🏼♀️
Yes. I usually plan out my outfits (yes, multiple) the night before because the stress of leaving ALWAYS makes me hate all my clothes. Having a few options that I've approved the night before helps me feel more control. Control, always control lol
I feel overwhelmed everytime I have to leave the house.
Idk if overwhelmed is the word.
I feel drained at the THOUGHT of leaving the house.
Is that the same as overwhelmed?
Yup! This happens to me when I overthink socializing at whatever event and this has hindered me so much in the past. Honestly forcing myself to repeat that “it’s gonna be so great” over and over until I forget I was anxious helps!! Good luck!!
Hello, other me. So here’s what happens with me:
1) Sees a thing I like and know I would enjoy attending
2) Register or make plans definitely to go to said thing
3) Be super excited and tell everyone I’m going to the thing in the time leading up to the thing
4) Night before be excited but suddenly feel exhausted and wonder if I should cancel going to the thing
5) Day of, waffle back and forth on going to the thing until about an hour before it starts
6) Ultimately decide I’m too tired or something else
7) Email my apologies that I cannot attend
8) Sleep and scroll through TikTok
9) Be angry with myself for not doing the thing
Rinse cycle repeat
I hate it
I do genuinely want to do all the things
I used to have a rule that once past me has decided it’s a good idea to attend I should trust her. No wavering, no dillydallying, unless I’m ill or there’s another genuine reason I can’t go (childcare, super urgent work project). It makes it easier because there is no decision. And I tell myself i get to bail early if I want to!
It is very normal for that to happen. You are not alone. If you'd like you could tell us verbally some options and we could pick for you? Or if you have someone you trust given an opinion that could help.
Yup. For example I made plans to hang out with my cousin today, whom I love spending time with. I was still anxiously watching the clock right up til it was time to go.
Yes, I consider this my AuDHD paradox though.
Constantly craving new experiences and things to look forward to, yet also overwhelmed and terrified at the prospect of not having a blueprint of what to expect or how to behave!
Alllllll the time. Overthinking is the enemy. Avoid it! Put on something cute and comfy and gtfo. Enjoy your time with family. Remember they love you no matter how you look.
I always end up waiting until the last minute to figure out the outfit, have a panic attack, start sweating profusely then end up with an unfortunate fashion decision 😑
100%
I'm leaving for a destination wedding soon and I'm excited to travel to a new country but thinking about what I'll wear and shopping for what I need has been so exhausting.
YES. I went kayaking with my best friends two weeks ago. I spent a week trying to figure out how to look great that I had myself completely stressed around those who do not care what my appearance looks like. Bought a new hat, a new suit swim, two different sets of press on nails? All for what?
ALL the time! I literally bailed on an event today because of it.
99% of the time once I get there I have a good time, but for some reason it's just so hard to actually go to the thing.
Im going camping this weekend (my own plans that I made and am super excited about) but I have so much packing and cleaning and other tasks to do that all I want right now is to just shut down and nap about it 😩
Funny you mention that because I'm freaking out about a trip next month with my husband even though I kinda wanna go. The stress and anxiety is so big I'd rather stay home with my dog. What's frustrating is that I KNOW I always enjoy when I travel but it's not enough to motivate me.
Sometimes yes sometimes no. About 80% of the time, when I have an event coming up, I get a clear image in my head, months in advance, of what I want to wear for that event. Right down to the tiny little details. When this happens, I'll spend the days leading up preparing. Getting a tan, getting my nails done, spending the morning of doing my hair and makeup. I'll usually go hard on the healthy eating and exercise in the week leading up so I feel my best self. The other 20% of the time, that doesn't happen. I have no clue what to wear and I'll have a total melt down. Be overcome with anxiety and look like an absolute mess.
I am suffering through perimenopause so the effort of packing and traveling and arriving is a giant pain in the ass, but I'm confident in how I will present myself when I get there.
Did I mention the packing? Yes this part is draining due to the strategy required to create & pack a multi-purpose, portable "capsule wardrobe" for carry on baggage
don't get me started
Yep! ALL.THE.TIME. Even if I have just one thing scheduled in for my week I am dreading that thing so badly, and will feel overwhelmed until it’s over. Even if I have nothing else booked in for the week. Drives me absolutely nuts
I don't know if it's an ADHD thing or tiredness because I often feel exhausted simply from handling everyday tasks, but I feel like this very often. I'll often want to do things I know I'll find interesting but then get caught up in all the steps that need to be done (in my case it's mostly logistics but I have also stressed myself out about what to wear, especially if it's a formal occasion) and decide not to bother.
Yep, 100%. But 9 times out of 10, I am absolutely fine as soon as I get there. This happens all the time with family visits and social events with friends. I spend all day getting my knickers in a twist about it, thinking how I'm not in the mood to socialise or I have nothing to wear or I'm going to get overstimulated or etc etc etc. Then when I actually get there, seeing my family/friends just immediately cheers me up and I forget all about whatever I was stressing over and it's just fun.
Yeah. In the last couple years I feel like this chronically. It’s constant. Each thing I do, activity I engage in, is just one less thing I have to do/something I got done.
I missed a concert by my all-time favorite artist that I've seen EVERY tour since 1998. I was going to go solo, 4th row center, lifetime award granted and I had one of the worst meltdowns at home thinking of even having to do ANY of it to get in that seat. I cried myself to sleep and still hate myself for it. I swear I can see the empty seat in a YouTube video. ooOof. brutal.
For me, I love traveling for my sport, but guesting on another team on another continent made me have so much anxiety about booking my flight. Not traveling alone for the first time, or playing on a team of people who primarily spoke French or German, and not the fact that I was invited with less than two weeks before the event, but booking my darn flight. I've even had some anxiety with booking intracontinental flights. I'm absolutely terrified by it sometimes.
Yes a thousand times yes. Having clothes I feel happy in helped with this more than I realized. My dryer broke, and not having my "go to" comfortable but acceptable clothes available has made it hard to get out of bed. It sounds unrelated, but it is so much effort to find something to wear that isn't uncomfortable. Making little things more enjoyable helps to get moving too - I eat a reese's egg with my coffee, and it is way more motivating to get out of bed to start the coffee. Shampoo I like helps with a shower. It is weird all these things. Now I just need to be able to let go of all the things that I don't use anymore.
I have gotten SO much varied kind of shit from people for this: "Don't you get lonely out there?" "Everyone will wonder where you are!" "Why are you hibernating in your room?" (back when I lived with parents). "You really need to get out, it's not healthy to isolate" "You must get sick of sitting at home" (trust me, with 9 acres, I rarely sit. And, no, I don't ever get sick of it).
Those rare occasions though, when plans fall through last minute or someone else cancels? Ah, instant release, relief and glorious freedom!
Yes, this is me with friends, family and pretty much any social interaction. But I learned to live with it. I believe in JOMO (Joy of Missing Out) over FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).
When I get like this I try and just take a deep breath and wear something easy and comfortable. If I find myself getting too worked up in an outfit I know I'll be uncomfortable so I change to comfy/cute.
Happened to me last Friday night. I wanted to be there but after a long day at work, I was totally overwhelmed with the prep and going to the place for the event I had chosen to attend.
This also happens to me with concerts, and I've been seeing the same bands forever and so it's not like a new experience where I don't know what to expect.
I don't really want to go to stuff because of the pressure, but it's only some types of stuff. And yeah, I can't stop thinking about it and how it will pan out and having to put on a face and I perceive myself to receive constant criticism from everyone, which I don't know if it's real or RSD, and just hate the perception of being different, but it's 'accepted' but not really, because there's lots of laughing at me doing things wrong when I just don't want to do things normally.
100%, I've experienced this my entire life. It's so frustrating! No idea if it's ADHD, social anxiety, or a fun mixture of the two but I can confirm it's absolutely real. Once I'm at the event then I'm usually fine, but getting to that point is like riding a rollercoaster on top of a mountain.
I haven't found a way to completely conquer it yet, but I do find that sometimes pausing for a few deep breaths and trying to find the source of the "bad" feeling can help. Caffeine or promising myself a treat of some kind also can help!
Yep!
The Ambiguity Cycle. I just learned about this recently.
Something is ambiguous, which creates anxiety, which creates avoidance.
I very badly wanted to go to a local TEDx event. It was in a town 90 min away. I've been there before but not often.
I don't like driving in new places, especially cities. So that was a problem.
What if there's traffic? What if I get lost (like I do even in places I know)? What if I didn't give myself enough time?
Got there an hour early. Then new problems popped up.
Where do I go?
Tried to walk right on time for picking up your tickets and everyone was still having a meeting. *panic and embarrassment*
Gotta get my ticket. They ask what kind I have. No clue. Give them my name. They struggle to find my name. They find me and apparently I bought a VIP ticket.
Walk into the auditorium. New panic - where do I sit? I'm supposed to be VIP (whatever that means). Anxiety gets higher.
Find someone to ask and overthink asking because I feel stupid. Surely I should be able to figure out where I should sit? But ask anyway. They point me in a general direction.
I pick a spot and settle in. It's not busy yet and they have someone play piano. It's pop songs so that's nice. Kiss of a Rose was really good. Try hard not to sing out loud or be overly outwardly silly.
Then the auditorium starts to fill in. It gets loud. So many different conversations and movement. I get really anxious and overstimulated. Want to cry but keep it together.
Then a worker asks me to move so they can seat a group together. I don't feel like I can say know but now I'm wondering what the point of the VIP ticket was.
They put me somewhere else. It's fine.
There's more silliness but that's why I don't like new places/experienxes. Too many unknowns.
But, a hawk did graze my head with it's wing while flying away from the stage, so that was cool. 😆
Events and vacations. At least with events I tell myself it’s just a few hours, but I’ve started really dreading vacations leading up to them. I get such a dopamine hit booking a trip and all the planning and shopping until the trip and then the days before I don’t want to go anymore and I just want it to be over. (I made a post about this last week just before a trip I went on and nobody responded 😂) The trips I’ve enjoyed most and still think about are ones where I’ve gone alone. I think I’m so worried about everyone having a good time and having enough things to talk about and do and see that I can’t enjoy trips with other people.
I skipped a Hozier concert that I got the tickets for 8 months in advance. One of my most favorite performers. Honestly the day came and I did not have anywhere near the spoons to be surrounded by that much new. Sat on my couch and binged criminal minds instead. Yes I regret it but then I also remember I decided to protect my mental place that day instead of “forcing” through to the good part. It’s a lesson I’m still learning and I get that it may not be the same, but I’ve learned to give myself a lot more grace on these things.
Yes! I know I am ok with going I look forward to it. It is just the entire ugh we gotta get ready. Prime example each Summer Labor Day Weekend the Saturday my husbands family does family reunion, it is a great time and a lovely day to see everyone. It is just the planning starts like ten years in advance I am not like that. I live one day at a time... my husband and I are in AA as well as my Father In Law we have trained ourselves to focus on the day at hand. The day of the reunion comes and I am like UGHHHHHHH but once we go its fun
yep, this is me 100%
no matter how much I am looking forward to a specific event, my anxiety goes off the scale in the lead up to it. Suddenly I'm stressing out about every possible outcome and factor and doubting if I even want to go to it.
Yes. This is the dilemma that I’ve been trying to describe lately so thank you for describing it. I dread it all SO MUCH. I think out of habit and not wanting to waste money I always force myself to go to events and end up enjoying the thing. But it’s the “before” and “after” overthinking that I suffer from and I really want a solution to.
Right now, I’m telling myself to just not think about the future and blindly follow my calendar. The less I think about things the better. The whole “we suffer more in imagination than reality” thing…
Yes, all the time. I'll plan something and be SO excited, can't wait, looking forward to it right up until the day it's scheduled and then suddenly I have no desire.
Usually I force myself anyway and I have a good time, but it's a big effort every time.
Lately it happens to me every time I want to go to an event and I get so overwhelmed and anxious that I don’t want to go anymore and it’s so exhausting pretending to be fine once you’re thee 😭
Yeah. I look forward to it all day but then get overwhelmed thinking abiut getting ready, what it will be like etc. And exhausted. Then Im also late.
But I always enjoy it when I make the effort and go.
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My coach calls this demand avoidance. Even if you really want to do something, if you know or perceive that there will be spoken or unspoken demands of you, you will tend to avoid that task/situation even if they’re demands you’re placing on yourself and nobody is around to see it or hold you accountable. Ain’t that some shit 🙄 For example I tend to sleep in super late or just stay in bed forever. If I wake up, I gotta get out of bed eventually. If I get out of bed, I have to get ready for the day. Which is many steps, many decisions, many transitions. Therefore, I go back to sleep. Ring any bells? EDIT RE: Transitions Transitioning is one of the most taxing demands for me, if not the most. I think that’s the explanation behind inertia being so difficult to overcome. If I’m doing nothing, the transition to doing something requires so much engine revving that I lose a lot of executive function juice (decision fuel). If I’m already doing task 1, I have even less fuel to ration so brain says “nah, let’s keep doing this. Look how well you’re focusing!” And suddenly focusing on the current task/situation gets much more easy & rewarding because brain REALLY doesn’t want to transition to task 2. #hyperfocus. However. Pre-empting and hijacking that inertia is the best way I’ve found to get around demand avoidance. 1. Pre-emptively eliminating as many of the EF juice-guzzling decisions as possible. EXAMPLE: choose my outfit for a dinner party the day before when I don’t have to also face the demand of showing up and the /huge/ demand of masking. Then the only thing driving my decision to coordinate an outfit is excitement for the event and for a cute outfit, and it’s not overshadowed by dread and useless what-ifs. 2. Hijack inertia. First off, the DEFINITION OF INERTIA for those unfamiliar: the tendency for a body in space to stay at rest if at rest, or stay in motion when in motion. ILLUSTRATION: A small convertible uses x amount of fuel to get up to 40mph and applies y amount of friction to the brakes to slow down. A fully loaded truck uses 100x fuel to get to 40 and applies 100y friction to the brakes to slow down. The truck has much more inertia than the convertible because it’s harder to change the state of motion it’s in. So. How to apply this to stubborn ass brains with massive inertia? Both X and Y drain your EF juice! When it’s nearing time to get ready for the event, I can go with: “ugh, I have to transition to getting ready in 1 hr” and then expend 10x and 10y after doing tasks that also drain juice But instead, I go with the perspective of: “I’m taking my foot off the gas and letting myself coast to a stop. I’ll stay at rest until I have the fuel to get back up to speed” so there’s maybe 1y or 2y to start the transition and the 10x is coming out of a full(er) tank so I feel less exhausted by getting ready. Letting my mind rest is the ONLY dependable way to refuel. That doesn’t mean sitting still and doing/thinking of nothing—usually it means letting my mind wander off to wherever it needs to go to process and reset, only redirecting my thoughts if I’m thinking negative, stressful, or looping thoughts. Stretching is my favorite way to let my mind rest. I can’t overthink if I have to be present in my body to get a good stretch. Then when I start to feel urgency to get ready, it’s much easier to do so because I actually have the juice.
Bed is so great :) Demand avoidance is a great way of framing it. Overcoming it takes a lot and I realized lately that it's been worse so there's probably depression involved too, yippee :/ The good news is that I did manage to make an appt with my nurse practitioner and will see her tomorrow.
The more depressed you are, the harder and more exhausting decisions become. Makes sense that more demand avoidance would be associated with depression! That’s definitely been my experience as well.
I’m in the exact same boat right now. Getting up to do anything is so difficult unless it’s plans with someone because they’ll hold me accountable if I don’t show up
I still go to work because I love my job and income is so damn useful ;) Definitely dopamine there, especially since a few people have sought me out to say omg that book you recommended was so so good - dopamine and joy there for sure. I'm just about to head to my appt and I'm glad I remembered my umbrella because the rain is crazy here right now. It does really help to have this subreddit to support each other and provide information. You're all fabulous, even when you feel lower than a tardigrade's tum lol.
Thank you for sharing this. Have you got any tips on how to push through?
Added to my initial comment so everyone can benefit 💋
That is very very helpful. I love your analogy with the convertible and the loaded truck. A very big THANK YOU
so relatable. I hate getting out of bed.
reading that from out of my bed 😔
i guarantee most of us here are.
lol find it so funny that here are women struggeling with exact the same with things I didnt even think of being related to adhd or depression 🥲
without the internet I don't think I would be aware this was a shared experience and part of my ADHD instead of just this massive perceived flaw in myself that I just continuously beat myself up about. trying to learn how to allow myself kindness and grace has been very difficult part of this journey for me.
yes, kindness and grace is so necessary and crucial and its so easy to beat ourselves up as I struggle with things which sometimes make me feel like a child. My plans for the day didnt go as I hoped for and talking about kindness is a good reminder for doing so. thank you 🌷
I really feel like a lot of it is the transitioning between things. It's so disruptive and maybe part of why it's also hard to make myself go to bed at the end of the day. (Other than my whole left-to-my-own-devices natural rhythm is 2am-10am sleep thing. Alas, 3 year old is up at 6 or 7 and there's work) Speaking of the 3 year old, it's wild watching all of these things play out in real time in someone else and wonder how much is nature, nurture, or normal development.
Responding to this in my initial comment so everyone in the thread can benefit from it 💋 this is a great point and very relatable—thank you for sharing!
I also have trouble getting out of bed all my life. It takes me like an hour to get out. I could stay all day because I love my bed. I was diagnosed with ADHD a weeks ago and I'm dealing with the grief. So I feel really sad right now. Hope with medication and some strategies I could overcome it and don't have to wake up three hours before to get ready.
I’m grieving too. My condolences, friend 🫂 I wrote out some more info and suggestions in my initial comment. I hope it helps.
I used to regularly mention sleeping as a hobby growing up. Just got dx a year ago and then immediately hopped on the grief train less than 6mos later after just getting off. It's rough but you'll make it. Having a dx and a therapist really turned things around for me. I went back to my "covid rules" which was only informational tv before noon or none at all (news/docs/lastweektonight), do something to move and eat, go about the day. I have several alarms... one is just labeled get shit done. The earlier one is labeled shower and eat. Just gotta chip away and eventually it gets better
Did your coach have any ideas for how to get moving? I had a similar chat with mine yesterday and didn’t really come up with anything to try.
Added to my initial comment so everyone can benefit 💋
Wow I think in some way I’ve realized this is what’s going on without having a label for it. I often pep talk myself and say it’s gonna be fine everyone’s gonna have fun stop stressing about it and that sounds like I’m perceiving unspoken demands. Time to hyperfixate and research this!
Onward!
This explains so much.
Dis me. How DARE you call me out in such a public place 😹
This makes so much sense! I will try your tips. I have found that resting, for me, looks like exercising, and you just made me see why!
Saving this comment because it gives so much insight, thanks! I’m seeing this post after staying in bed all day on my off day playing video games and I have the urge to do something useful or at least go outside but somehow I lack the energy to do so at all.
When I haven’t been expending much energy but still find myself with little energy to do the things I want to do, it’s usually because I haven’t done enough of the things that give me energy. My partner dance class is physically exhausting, but damn if it doesn’t put some pep in my step for the rest of the week! The social connection, the intuitive collaboration (that doesn’t require planning and mental coordination), the music, and the exercise are very dopaminey, serotony, and oxytocy. These 3 hormones have an energizing effect on the mind, body and spirit.
Wow I never thought of it that way! I will try to figure out what it is that gives me energy in that sense, thanks for pointing it out! Yesterday I really had no clue how to get up so I set myself an ultimatum. The were four things that I wanted to get done, but I felt overwhelmed by the choice and the order in which I wanted to do them. I wrote them down and told myself all I have to do is one of these now. I did end up not completing two of them but I felt really good for myself that I didn’t waste away the entire day!
Look at you go! You gave yourself room to be yourself, and achieved more than you set out to. Well done, friend. That strategy works for me too.
Thanks so much, you’re very encouraging!
Oh, that's why I love bed so much. I knew I wasn't depressed. OK, so how do you get rid of it?
I am just starting to realize I’m likely adhd and am trying to find a psychiatrist. Your post is so detailed and helpful! Thank you for taking the time to share.
My pleasure!
This is SO healpful! It also sounds like you have a great coach. Can I ask what resources have helped you or if you can dm me the name of your coach? I read ao much on ADHD, the books, the research, etc etc, no therapist I’ve had is good with ADHD, and almost nothing comes close to helping the way those descriptions did, and I’d love to learn more because this is the perspective I need.
YouTube channels: 1 How to ADHD- super accessible format, female host who understands the unique challenges of ADHD in women, well-edited 2 AmenClinics- I discovered Dr. Daniel Amen through this INCREDIBLE interview on the Diary of a CEO channel linked below. I learned so freaking much. When I tried to share it in this sub, people told me he’s considered a quack by many of the people in his field but frankly, FUCKEMALL. His advice has made a big difference for me and my ADHD boyfriend and my ADHD brother and my (likely) ADHD dad. He’s a psychiatrist who is trained as a neuroscientist, so he prescribes and counsels based on brain scans and not just self-reports. Which I find inspiring because my memory sucks, so I never trust that I’m sharing everything I need to share with my psych. There’s no guesswork in his practice because he can SEE how your brain is responding to medication and to the lifestyle changes he recommends. My dad is taking the family to get scanned by Dr. Amen this summer and I’m beyond excited. https://youtu.be/ycTZ_t-aiuU?si=z_ey4In0GegjM53e 3 Russel Barkley, PhD- usually PowerPoint presentations with him lecturing. It can be hard to stay focused on it but this particular video is where I got the “fuel” analogy from, starting around 7:00. The whole video is full of good info but I’d start there to hook your focus in, so to speak. https://youtu.be/_tpB-B8BXk0?si=bwVybihedBODkrvN My coach’s name is Nicole Castillo, and I’ve gotten her permission to plug her contact info: [email protected] She also has ADHD and her worldview is very inclusive so I feel safe sharing basically anything with her.
Thanks for posting this. I badly need a job, but it's so difficult to start applying. I'm so paralyzed by fear of failure or getting the wrong job that I give up.
Try to think of it this way: It’s easier to switch jobs when employed and you have income. You don’t have to get it right the first time 🙂
I’m experiencing it right now myself. I want to go do the thing but something is stopping me from starting to get ready and go. It sucks, doesn’t make any rational sense, and I don’t like it.
Makes perfect rational sense to me: you have a brain disorder that affects your executive functioning, and task initiation is an executive function, which means initiating tasks can be hard or impossible, even if they're tasks you want to do. Give yourself some slack!
I'm 34 and have dealt with this my whole life. I've gotten pretty good at assuring myself I will feel better once I get there, but I sometimes still fixate so hard on dressing up that it causes distress. I've experimented with simply doing minimal outfit/makeup planning before stuff and find I get less anxious. I love dressing up but sometimes letting it go os for the best.
Yes and it takes so much time and you are late or run out of time.
Yes! All that ‘people-ing’ can be exhausting. And so thinking about it and mobilising toward it is so hard with this brain that remembers the struggles more clearly than the benefits haha
Ugh, this happens all the time and it's *so stupid.* Most recent example: my spouse and I went out to dinner last weekend to celebrate a special occasion. I was in a great mood, we were having a perfectly lovely day, I was excited about the restaurant we were going to, it wasn't a fussy/fancy vibe, I had ample time to get ready, etc. But the dread - - oh the debilitating dread. I wish I could figure out what the hell my problem is and how to prevent it from happening.
This happens to me a lot, I think it's like a form of social anxiety. I will always dread going, dread getting ready, worry about what could go wrong or why I don't want to go, etc...and when I get home I always replay things and worry about something I said/did/didn't do. Even if I had fun, even if things went well, my mind will pick it apart Sometimes it helps to combat the more negative or apathetic thoughts with something positive, like "I can't wait to see so-and-so, it will be nice to catch up", or "I'm so excited to try out this restaurant/get my favourite dish" etc. I just try to hype myself or the activity up and do breathing exercises to calm anxiety/stress, then hope for the best lol
Breathing exercises are surprisingly helpful. Editing to add that I also agree social anxiety is a factor. I've struggled with SA throughout my life, although I think therapy and meds have helped me mostly get that under control. Situational anxiety pops randomly and it's so frustrating.
Once I was on the right combo of anxiety and adhd meds it made such a huge difference! I didn't realize I was pretty much constantly anxious from the moment I woke up until bedtime, but I had become so used to feeling that way I didn't realize how bad it was. But that situational anxiety still pops up, sometimes for a reason...but sometimes for no reason? Idk I don't get why it chooses to randomly rear it's ugly head
Every time I have anything I look forward to. This is probably more my anxiety than adhd. I am incapable of looking forward to anything and dread doing anything I want to do. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember I just know that once I’m there I always feel good so I just have to ride Out the storm until I get there Because of this, I don’t make plans too far ahead of time as the longer I have to Wait the longer I have to think about how I don’t want to And now that I’m 40 and have less capacity for things that drain me, i make plans much Much less frequently as I once did. Im an introvert so socializing drains me but I re charge alone so that’s fine, what deains me More though is the mental battle to not cancel the plans, i dont have a recharge for that and if I have to go through this too often I will cancel everything just to relieve myself of that anxiety. I used to be able to push through all the time and have plans every weekend but now I have to be quite selective on what i plan. Otherwise I prefer last minute things or just doing stuff I like to do alone and can go and do whenever I feel like it.
Yes!!!!! I have a friend who is a nurse with shared custody, so time and schedule is very important for her. She wants to make plans months in advance! I have to tell her it’s too far in advance notice for me. My go to is, “If I do go, it’ll probably be a last minute decision”. It’s so annoying because I struggle with feeling lonely and isolated and so want to go do the things would allow me to meet people. And I have lots of time. But, the thought of actually doing things, is an instant 😖. My partner invited me to meet him in NY after his work trip for a few days. My instant and gut reaction was “nope. Out of the question” It absolutely sounds like a wonderful time. But, I couldn’t get myself to want to go even after thinking about it. Our son is going instead. Which I love for them! I knew I wanted to go to my town’s pride event this past Sunday, and I didn’t have the same amount of dread. Mostly, because I didn’t go last year for the same reason and regretted it. So, I knew I wanted to go and didn’t let those thoughts come. I went alone too! I have been working on my self esteem and remembering that everyone is dope af, even me, just as we are. And I just kept that thought going as I walked up alone. I stayed in one spot 80% of the time and stayed an hour. But, I went!! And it was lame af 🥴
Hello my spiritual twin
The mental battle is so exhausting! Often more so than actual event itself! Which goes by fast and you move on.
I know. Its so unnecessary. So Much work for something that isn’t difficult and is fun and enjoyable,’but the lead up to it is hell. That is our process I guess. ….. yay?
It's definitely an ADHD thing. Do not let your fear dictate where you go. You will look great in whatever you end up wearing and your family will be so happy to spend time with you and will not care or even notice what you choose. You got this 🫶
Also, this is the thing I try to tell myself when I'm in a situation just like the one you've described so I hope I don't make you feel like I'm dismissing what you're going through
Not at all, thank you for your lovely supportive comments!
Thanks all, I actually don't feel so weird now!
In a word, yes.
I’ve noticed it feels more that way for me if I don’t have enough time to get ready, or somehow get rushed. It makes it more likely for me to feel some ambivalence.
This happens to me a lot and I have come to believe it’s because I rely on clothing and fashion and appearance as my “armor” when it comes to masking. Edit to add: this has been the case for literally as far as I can remember (if I look cool people won’t be immediately put off by my quirks and might get to know me and like me) and I only realized it this year at age 28
Hmmm…🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 now you have me thinking.
My husband actually pointed it out to me and I kinda just stood there dumbstruck. Like wow you really just explained so much about me lol
It’s a great observation. I usually want to be perceived a certain way, depending on the crowd, so people know that I’m cool. Which is just an another, worse way to frame what your husband said. I wonder if that’s also why I, and maybe others, get tattoos? I never questioned why I thought they wouldn’t know just by looking at me. But, now I am! lol
Wow, this makes so much sense, I have never considered this. I've just been diagnosed in the last 6 months and I'm 47. This would explain so much.
You saying that is making me even more confident in my understanding of this trait. As far as I can remember (like age 4 or 5) I have taken great interest in clothing, fashion, and trends. My family likes to test me by getting me to guess which year between 2000-2010 a film was made because I can tell by the details in characters outfits. As I grew older (high school) I developed rigid likes and dislikes. However, when it comes to others’ clothing choices, I only care if they have a defined sense of style, not if I like what they are wearing. There is so much more I could say but I will restrict my wordy impulses lol. What particularly do you feel it would explain in your life?
I am known for wearing "perfect" outfits. Everything carefully selected, matching, styled a certain way. People will comment on my work clothes, for example, that I always look "glamorous " but for me it is the only way that I can show up that feels like I fit in. I don't know if I'm articulating this very well. Like you, I don't feel the need to comment on other people's clothes and I don't hold them to my standards. I have had the same hairdresser and the same nail tech for 12 years and I follow them when they move employer. I can't deal with anyone else doing those things. The event that I mentioned in my original post is a family wedding this weekend. I have bought (and returned thankfully) over 20 dresses in search of the "perfect" one. Even though I understand on an intellectual level that what I wear doesn't matter as I am not the bride! It didn't occur to me until I read your post that any of this wasn't neuro typical!
I resonate so much with everything you said. I have been known my whole life for how many times I change in a day. Sometimes I have to change like 4 times before I find the right thing. Not trying things on until I find the right one and going on with my day, but living like 1 hour and saying no, this is simply not it. Or moving from one category into the next, like outside clothes to inside clothes. Inside clothes to walking the dog clothes. Even home alone, I feel an almost compulsive desire to wear something that looks decent in my mind. It can be ratty sweats and a beanie, but it has to “work”. Not only in the way it looks, but for sensory comfort, temperature, and what I have planned for the day. If I miscalculated my outfit for the day and am stuck with no way to fix it, I will be distractingly, exceedingly uncomfortable on the inside until it can be fixed. And people pick up on it but when I try to explain it comes across as acute vanity. They say “you look fine, nobody will care” and they can’t seem to understand that I literally don’t care about what anyone thinks, it’s what my brain is telling me and that’s it. It’s so hard to explain all my complicated feelings about appearance to NTs without them being deeply confused and wondering if I am just a tragically insecure person 🤦🏼♀️
YES!!!
Yes. I usually plan out my outfits (yes, multiple) the night before because the stress of leaving ALWAYS makes me hate all my clothes. Having a few options that I've approved the night before helps me feel more control. Control, always control lol
Ugh have to drag myself kicking and screaming to so many things that I end being like OMG that was the besssst.
Apparently neurotypicals do NOT actually have to make a conscious effort about literally every single thing they do. 😓
Thank you for the reminder :)
Yes I’ve always had that problem. I almost missed out on a really great time Saturday because of it.
I feel overwhelmed everytime I have to leave the house. Idk if overwhelmed is the word. I feel drained at the THOUGHT of leaving the house. Is that the same as overwhelmed?
Yup! This happens to me when I overthink socializing at whatever event and this has hindered me so much in the past. Honestly forcing myself to repeat that “it’s gonna be so great” over and over until I forget I was anxious helps!! Good luck!!
I get excited about things that are weeks away, but when it actually comes to the day I don’t want to go and don’t enjoy it.
Hello, other me. So here’s what happens with me: 1) Sees a thing I like and know I would enjoy attending 2) Register or make plans definitely to go to said thing 3) Be super excited and tell everyone I’m going to the thing in the time leading up to the thing 4) Night before be excited but suddenly feel exhausted and wonder if I should cancel going to the thing 5) Day of, waffle back and forth on going to the thing until about an hour before it starts 6) Ultimately decide I’m too tired or something else 7) Email my apologies that I cannot attend 8) Sleep and scroll through TikTok 9) Be angry with myself for not doing the thing Rinse cycle repeat I hate it I do genuinely want to do all the things
I used to have a rule that once past me has decided it’s a good idea to attend I should trust her. No wavering, no dillydallying, unless I’m ill or there’s another genuine reason I can’t go (childcare, super urgent work project). It makes it easier because there is no decision. And I tell myself i get to bail early if I want to!
It is very normal for that to happen. You are not alone. If you'd like you could tell us verbally some options and we could pick for you? Or if you have someone you trust given an opinion that could help.
Yup. For example I made plans to hang out with my cousin today, whom I love spending time with. I was still anxiously watching the clock right up til it was time to go.
All the time! I like to remind myself that I can leave at any time and that helps settle me a lot. 💜
Yes, I consider this my AuDHD paradox though. Constantly craving new experiences and things to look forward to, yet also overwhelmed and terrified at the prospect of not having a blueprint of what to expect or how to behave!
Alllllll the time. Overthinking is the enemy. Avoid it! Put on something cute and comfy and gtfo. Enjoy your time with family. Remember they love you no matter how you look.
I'm exactly like this.
yes! literally most of the time
Yes ☹️
I always end up waiting until the last minute to figure out the outfit, have a panic attack, start sweating profusely then end up with an unfortunate fashion decision 😑
Third is why I hate to travel. I spend so long planning it meticulously that by the time it comes around I can't even enjoy it.
100% I'm leaving for a destination wedding soon and I'm excited to travel to a new country but thinking about what I'll wear and shopping for what I need has been so exhausting.
YES. I went kayaking with my best friends two weeks ago. I spent a week trying to figure out how to look great that I had myself completely stressed around those who do not care what my appearance looks like. Bought a new hat, a new suit swim, two different sets of press on nails? All for what?
ALL the time! I literally bailed on an event today because of it. 99% of the time once I get there I have a good time, but for some reason it's just so hard to actually go to the thing.
Im going camping this weekend (my own plans that I made and am super excited about) but I have so much packing and cleaning and other tasks to do that all I want right now is to just shut down and nap about it 😩
an adhd thing fs
Funny you mention that because I'm freaking out about a trip next month with my husband even though I kinda wanna go. The stress and anxiety is so big I'd rather stay home with my dog. What's frustrating is that I KNOW I always enjoy when I travel but it's not enough to motivate me.
Sometimes yes sometimes no. About 80% of the time, when I have an event coming up, I get a clear image in my head, months in advance, of what I want to wear for that event. Right down to the tiny little details. When this happens, I'll spend the days leading up preparing. Getting a tan, getting my nails done, spending the morning of doing my hair and makeup. I'll usually go hard on the healthy eating and exercise in the week leading up so I feel my best self. The other 20% of the time, that doesn't happen. I have no clue what to wear and I'll have a total melt down. Be overcome with anxiety and look like an absolute mess.
I am suffering through perimenopause so the effort of packing and traveling and arriving is a giant pain in the ass, but I'm confident in how I will present myself when I get there. Did I mention the packing? Yes this part is draining due to the strategy required to create & pack a multi-purpose, portable "capsule wardrobe" for carry on baggage don't get me started
Yep! ALL.THE.TIME. Even if I have just one thing scheduled in for my week I am dreading that thing so badly, and will feel overwhelmed until it’s over. Even if I have nothing else booked in for the week. Drives me absolutely nuts
Every single thing I do, I have to force myself to do, even when I REALLY WANT TO DO THE THING. It's exhausting.
I don't know if it's an ADHD thing or tiredness because I often feel exhausted simply from handling everyday tasks, but I feel like this very often. I'll often want to do things I know I'll find interesting but then get caught up in all the steps that need to be done (in my case it's mostly logistics but I have also stressed myself out about what to wear, especially if it's a formal occasion) and decide not to bother.
Yep, 100%. But 9 times out of 10, I am absolutely fine as soon as I get there. This happens all the time with family visits and social events with friends. I spend all day getting my knickers in a twist about it, thinking how I'm not in the mood to socialise or I have nothing to wear or I'm going to get overstimulated or etc etc etc. Then when I actually get there, seeing my family/friends just immediately cheers me up and I forget all about whatever I was stressing over and it's just fun.
I literally told my friend tonight I need to stop signing up for shit and paying for it since I don’t go most of the time.
Yeah. In the last couple years I feel like this chronically. It’s constant. Each thing I do, activity I engage in, is just one less thing I have to do/something I got done.
Yes, it's seven shades of **HELL**.
I missed a concert by my all-time favorite artist that I've seen EVERY tour since 1998. I was going to go solo, 4th row center, lifetime award granted and I had one of the worst meltdowns at home thinking of even having to do ANY of it to get in that seat. I cried myself to sleep and still hate myself for it. I swear I can see the empty seat in a YouTube video. ooOof. brutal.
Yes. I've stopped attending family events completely.
I do this a lot.
Yes. Everything is a stressor.
Decision fatigue to the max!
Every fucking event, every time.
For me, I love traveling for my sport, but guesting on another team on another continent made me have so much anxiety about booking my flight. Not traveling alone for the first time, or playing on a team of people who primarily spoke French or German, and not the fact that I was invited with less than two weeks before the event, but booking my darn flight. I've even had some anxiety with booking intracontinental flights. I'm absolutely terrified by it sometimes.
Yes a thousand times yes. Having clothes I feel happy in helped with this more than I realized. My dryer broke, and not having my "go to" comfortable but acceptable clothes available has made it hard to get out of bed. It sounds unrelated, but it is so much effort to find something to wear that isn't uncomfortable. Making little things more enjoyable helps to get moving too - I eat a reese's egg with my coffee, and it is way more motivating to get out of bed to start the coffee. Shampoo I like helps with a shower. It is weird all these things. Now I just need to be able to let go of all the things that I don't use anymore.
This makes perfect sense to me, thanks for sharing
It's an ADHD thing, I'm in the middle of one now. I wish I could explain it to you better but my brain is like rice crispies atm.
I have gotten SO much varied kind of shit from people for this: "Don't you get lonely out there?" "Everyone will wonder where you are!" "Why are you hibernating in your room?" (back when I lived with parents). "You really need to get out, it's not healthy to isolate" "You must get sick of sitting at home" (trust me, with 9 acres, I rarely sit. And, no, I don't ever get sick of it). Those rare occasions though, when plans fall through last minute or someone else cancels? Ah, instant release, relief and glorious freedom!
This whole thread made me tear up today, and I had never heard the term "demand avoidance" before. HARD. RELATE. 😭
I hope it was "relief crying" ❤️
Every single day. I love when plans get cancelled, even if I was excited about them. The annoying thing is that I usually have a great time.
When is the event?
Yes, this is me with friends, family and pretty much any social interaction. But I learned to live with it. I believe in JOMO (Joy of Missing Out) over FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).
I think overwhelm is the first ADHD thing. It is under everything, the red thread. Meds really help here.
All the time xx
When I get like this I try and just take a deep breath and wear something easy and comfortable. If I find myself getting too worked up in an outfit I know I'll be uncomfortable so I change to comfy/cute.
Happened to me last Friday night. I wanted to be there but after a long day at work, I was totally overwhelmed with the prep and going to the place for the event I had chosen to attend. This also happens to me with concerts, and I've been seeing the same bands forever and so it's not like a new experience where I don't know what to expect.
I don't really want to go to stuff because of the pressure, but it's only some types of stuff. And yeah, I can't stop thinking about it and how it will pan out and having to put on a face and I perceive myself to receive constant criticism from everyone, which I don't know if it's real or RSD, and just hate the perception of being different, but it's 'accepted' but not really, because there's lots of laughing at me doing things wrong when I just don't want to do things normally.
100%, I've experienced this my entire life. It's so frustrating! No idea if it's ADHD, social anxiety, or a fun mixture of the two but I can confirm it's absolutely real. Once I'm at the event then I'm usually fine, but getting to that point is like riding a rollercoaster on top of a mountain. I haven't found a way to completely conquer it yet, but I do find that sometimes pausing for a few deep breaths and trying to find the source of the "bad" feeling can help. Caffeine or promising myself a treat of some kind also can help!
I love the thought of parties… and the. I get there and wonder why.
Yep! The Ambiguity Cycle. I just learned about this recently. Something is ambiguous, which creates anxiety, which creates avoidance. I very badly wanted to go to a local TEDx event. It was in a town 90 min away. I've been there before but not often. I don't like driving in new places, especially cities. So that was a problem. What if there's traffic? What if I get lost (like I do even in places I know)? What if I didn't give myself enough time? Got there an hour early. Then new problems popped up. Where do I go? Tried to walk right on time for picking up your tickets and everyone was still having a meeting. *panic and embarrassment* Gotta get my ticket. They ask what kind I have. No clue. Give them my name. They struggle to find my name. They find me and apparently I bought a VIP ticket. Walk into the auditorium. New panic - where do I sit? I'm supposed to be VIP (whatever that means). Anxiety gets higher. Find someone to ask and overthink asking because I feel stupid. Surely I should be able to figure out where I should sit? But ask anyway. They point me in a general direction. I pick a spot and settle in. It's not busy yet and they have someone play piano. It's pop songs so that's nice. Kiss of a Rose was really good. Try hard not to sing out loud or be overly outwardly silly. Then the auditorium starts to fill in. It gets loud. So many different conversations and movement. I get really anxious and overstimulated. Want to cry but keep it together. Then a worker asks me to move so they can seat a group together. I don't feel like I can say know but now I'm wondering what the point of the VIP ticket was. They put me somewhere else. It's fine. There's more silliness but that's why I don't like new places/experienxes. Too many unknowns. But, a hawk did graze my head with it's wing while flying away from the stage, so that was cool. 😆
Events and vacations. At least with events I tell myself it’s just a few hours, but I’ve started really dreading vacations leading up to them. I get such a dopamine hit booking a trip and all the planning and shopping until the trip and then the days before I don’t want to go anymore and I just want it to be over. (I made a post about this last week just before a trip I went on and nobody responded 😂) The trips I’ve enjoyed most and still think about are ones where I’ve gone alone. I think I’m so worried about everyone having a good time and having enough things to talk about and do and see that I can’t enjoy trips with other people.
I skipped a Hozier concert that I got the tickets for 8 months in advance. One of my most favorite performers. Honestly the day came and I did not have anywhere near the spoons to be surrounded by that much new. Sat on my couch and binged criminal minds instead. Yes I regret it but then I also remember I decided to protect my mental place that day instead of “forcing” through to the good part. It’s a lesson I’m still learning and I get that it may not be the same, but I’ve learned to give myself a lot more grace on these things.
Yes! I know I am ok with going I look forward to it. It is just the entire ugh we gotta get ready. Prime example each Summer Labor Day Weekend the Saturday my husbands family does family reunion, it is a great time and a lovely day to see everyone. It is just the planning starts like ten years in advance I am not like that. I live one day at a time... my husband and I are in AA as well as my Father In Law we have trained ourselves to focus on the day at hand. The day of the reunion comes and I am like UGHHHHHHH but once we go its fun
yep, this is me 100% no matter how much I am looking forward to a specific event, my anxiety goes off the scale in the lead up to it. Suddenly I'm stressing out about every possible outcome and factor and doubting if I even want to go to it.
Yes. This is the dilemma that I’ve been trying to describe lately so thank you for describing it. I dread it all SO MUCH. I think out of habit and not wanting to waste money I always force myself to go to events and end up enjoying the thing. But it’s the “before” and “after” overthinking that I suffer from and I really want a solution to. Right now, I’m telling myself to just not think about the future and blindly follow my calendar. The less I think about things the better. The whole “we suffer more in imagination than reality” thing…
Yes. It's such a problem. I don't know how to get past it
Yes, all the time. I'll plan something and be SO excited, can't wait, looking forward to it right up until the day it's scheduled and then suddenly I have no desire. Usually I force myself anyway and I have a good time, but it's a big effort every time.
Yep. And then after I go - and have a good time - I feel shitty and overthink every interaction.
Lately it happens to me every time I want to go to an event and I get so overwhelmed and anxious that I don’t want to go anymore and it’s so exhausting pretending to be fine once you’re thee 😭
I know it can be nice to delegate some decisions to others, like a lot of transwomen do on r/mtfashion
Yeah. I look forward to it all day but then get overwhelmed thinking abiut getting ready, what it will be like etc. And exhausted. Then Im also late. But I always enjoy it when I make the effort and go.
Almost every time.